July 14, 2007

Astrological tidbit

I need to have some of the sad stuff get off this homepage so I will just be posting random tidbits here and there. Ya'll understand.

Today is July 14, and the new moon is in Cancer. This is a pretty big deal for all my fellow crabs out there, you only get one new moon a year in your sign.

Susan Miller of AstrologyZone writes:

Ancient astrologers always wrote that the birthday new moon has the power to materialize wishes that are near and dear. Choose the one desire that is most important to you. Set your cell phone alarm for this date - July 14 - and be sure to make an initiation in the days that follow. What you do just after that new moon appears will affect you for the full year ahead. It's that important. Incredibly, this year, the moon will be in elegant angle to Uranus, planet of unexpected developments and lucky breaks.

Who am I to argue with the elegant angle of Uranus?

And for the other eleven signs, um ... hi! Hope you get a new moon in your sign soon! And may Uranus be elegant on that day. And don't forget, you can always get your forecast at AstrologyZone or from my lovely friend Astrologer Phyllis.

Posted by laurie at 08:28 AM | Comments (85)

April 01, 2007

Special Edition: April Hor-O-Scopes!

Ya'll know I do love to write my little horoscopes and throw around some ghetto slang while working in things that seem vaguely horoscopey, such as "Put your panties on during Mercury transiting your House Of Margaritas." Yes, indeed.

And while this is a fine way to live your life, sometimes you have the good luck and planetary bingo to stumble on actual, real bonafide Astrological Greatness! This month I am so excited to share with you REAL and AWESOME Horoscopes written by Astrologer Phyllis!

PHYLLIS F. MITZ, M.A., has had a flourishing astrology practice for close to 30 years now. Her unique blend of astrology, psychology (in which she holds her master’s degree) and spiritual focus (in which she is pursuing a Doctorate Degree) gives counsel to thousands of people from all walks of life, including celebrities, politicians, and corporate executives (she would not tell me WHO EXACTLY, but I plan to get her drunk sometime in the future, see "House of Margaritas," and find out and as soon as I do I will let ya'll know) (because I am giving that way).

She wrote these April forecasts just for Crazy Ol' Aunt Readers, and I hope ya'll will give her a big happy welcome and also go visit her website, astrologerphyllis.com. There she does trend reports and all kinds of planetary goodness on a very regular basis.

With that I now present to you.... drumroll please.....

Phyllis F. Mitz, M.A’s
ASTROLOGICAL FORECASTS FOR APRIL 2007 (!!!)

Aries (March 21st-April 19th)
Despite having to deal with some annoying insecurities and/or behind-the-scenes-disruptions April can end up being a pretty great month for you. What makes it great? Movement! Between April 11th-27th Mercury ignites the good decisions, excellent communications, and fun trips that inspire your favorite feeling: The Thrill of Beginning Something New – possibly with someone new. You might be especially empowered April 16,17,and 20 as your ideas catch fire and lead to strong, expansive success. Go for it! What to do about those pesky fears or unexpected issues popping up? Treat them like you do everything else: as a challenge to become even more of a hero. But don’t be afraid to plan on good stuff happening in 2007 -you’ve (finally!) got plenty of forward motion coming!

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Taurus (April 20 –May 21st)
No – it hasn’t been your imagination – the astrological energies have been kinda tough on you ... even bringing matters of your career, home life, and heck, even your relationships to an "either this changes or I’m leaving!" showdown. Well, good news: Life will be calming down and easing up ...a little. Venus traveling through your sign will make you wonderfully magnetic, appealing and even savvier at negotiating matters to get your way through April 11th. Then she helps strengthen your favorite Taurus subjects of security and finances through the end of the month and even allures some valuable relationships into your court as well. All in all your social life will be perked up in April with some amazing dynamics with friends and generous folks who want to help you to reach your goals. Be cautious, however, during the wild energies of April 27th - April 29th, as someone might exit your life as quickly as they entered it. If they were that shaky, you didn’t want them anyway, sweet Taurus.

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Gemini (May 22nd- June21st)
Thank God you’re as savvy as you are, Gemini, and as flexible and eager to change, too! You’ll need those gifts through most of April as there’ll be shake-ups galore happening all around you – especially in your career and relationships. Many are surprising, some might be anticipated, but all are trying to lead you to capitalizing on the new ideas and alliances that are now starting to hover. Let’s put it this way: If something isn’t going to work, or if someone isn’t going to stick around, you’ll most likely realize it April 1st, 2nd, 7th, 20th, 21st, and April 27th-29th. Forget looking back, as whatever falls apart can open doors for even better prospects and relationships. That’s especially true from April 13th on as Venus transits your sign and amplifies that attractive, witty allure that you’re famous for! Capitalize on that. In fact, this whole year of 2007 is chock full of powerful, inspiring people and partners (and some mysterious strangers) who can help make your life fascinating and deliver amazing projects to your doorstep. Just don’t be so seduced by others’ power that you give them yours. Do what Geminis do best: Watch and learn from others and make it your own.

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Cancer (June 22nd – July 22nd)
Even though you’re quite a strong creature, Cancer, your recent money, health, and/or relationship issues may be wearing you a little thin. Plus, since so many of your challenges have come as a result of other people’s choices (or lack of them) you can feel left hanging - rarely a welcome position for a security-oriented crab! Not to worry – the picture is changing! New ideas are percolating, helpful people are coming to the rescue, and inspired realizations are returning that can show you what new steps to take to create more abundance and professional success. What should you do? Use your instincts and intuition to flesh out what is really important to you and what you really should let go of in order to move on. Even the abrupt shifts in plans and expectations that might pop up April 1st - 2nd, 27th – 29th can end up resulting in lucky opportunities and insights that promote your dreams even further. Travel, write that book (or letter) and take a class in something that inspires you and you’ll start to see that doors magically opening for you that you wouldn’t dream of even knocking on!

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Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd)
Wow! Having Saturn, the Personal Trainer of the zodiac, traveling through your sign has forced you to work hard this past year and to grow in ways you weren’t even sure you were capable of. Plus, the very thing that makes your world go ‘round - partnerships and love – might have been a little tough, too, if not weird and disappointing. All this could have deflated your normal sassy confidence, but there’s good news: The energies that have been challenging, delaying, and even blocking you are (finally!) moving forward! New ideas, contacts, and opportunities are beginning to materialize that show you why all that ordinary drudgery you’ve been enduring has been worth it. Positive momentum begins around April 11th with really exciting spikes of goodness hitting April 20th, 21st, 24th, 25th. Will everyone around you settle down and do what you expect them to do? No. Expect some sudden shifts with money, sex, or other people’s crises affecting you, especially April 2nd, 3rd, 27th -29th. Just use your magnificent largesse so any differences between you and they can be worked out in that win-win gain you’re famous for. That way, even if you discover you have to let someone or something go, you’ll know you have tried your best.

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Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd)
The good news is you are growing and stretching like mad this year, Virgo! The challenging news is it might be wackier, faster, and messier than your orderly self would have ever imagined or even preferred. Take the ride, keep reaching for the brass ring, and forget about getting it all perfect. (The trick is understanding everything really is perfect…just not the way you might define perfection!) You’re experiencing transits from many different angles that are prompting amazing changes in your life: On the one hand, powerful energies are pushing you to get into a bigger game (possibly at work), even if you don’t feel certain how to play, especially April 7th, 8th, 20th,21st, and 22nd. On the other hand, the relationships and structures you’ve depended on are suddenly shifting or even ending, leaving you to deal with a whole new set of circumstances and expectations, especially April 1st-3rd, and 28th-30th. Your job is to be smart enough to adjust your self image to meet these new challenges and to be creative enough to make positive use out of whatever goes on around you, which you certainly are, Virgo! Look at it this way: You’re in a personal growth marathon. You might not think you signed up for it, but you did. Prove something great to yourself.

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Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd)
People! Trips! Love! Friendship! Phone Calls! Opportunities! …and other glorious and social activities are aspected for you most of this month of April, Libra! Indeed, your ideas are bright, your communications are clear, and adoring people are all around, making good relationships ripe for the picking. So use your delightful attitude and social contacts to negotiate, make plans, travel and seal deals, especially on April 20th - 21st, and 29th -30th. Your challenge might be sorting out how much time to devote to every (new) opportunity, invitation, and offer you receive. That said, there’s still some issues in your life that even your most charming and devoted concerns can’t fix, since they’re not really your problem, (even if they affect you). Take care of your health, be super flexible about your working conditions and if anything points to a need for changes in those areas, make them. You are on an upswing. Have fun.

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Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 22nd)
No doubt about it: The past few months have been intense and dramatic for you, Scorpio. Confrontations and crises might have been rampant: some involved you and affected you, others didn’t involve you, but still affected you anyway. The good news is that, although your changes are far from over, at least most of the shoes that were going to drop have done so, leaving you with a clearer picture of what you’re dealing with. Even better, the energies gathering now are working more for your benefit. So use your characteristic of being the “Phoenix” - one who rises from the ashes into something more glorious - and carry on. Even during the dates when surprises and unexpected shifts are erupting, matters can end up promoting you, supporting your goals, or bringing people into your life who love you and who are compassionate to your wants and needs, especially April 2nd-5th and 26th-30th. Use the innovative ideas on the 20th and 22nd to further your goals, possibly financially, and use the revelations on the 26th-28th to discover who’s in your court and who isn’t. And then do what you must.

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Sagittarius (Nov. 23rd- Dec. 22nd)
Lucky you! Your expansive ruling planet, Jupiter, is transiting Sagittarius all year, promising you substantial growth, meaningful inspirations, and fascinating connections. Your challenge is to keep your passions focused on growing what’s really worthwhile to you, while avoiding going overboard in activities that won’t really benefit you. Fortunately, the astrological energies this April will help you figure all this out. Abrupt course corrections the first 11days of April and from April 26th-30th show you what or who you might have to let go of or change in order to meet with success. But between April 12th-27th there are loads of powerful, creative, and yes, lucky aspects that will fire you up, promote your creativity, tingle your love life, and help you to expand most anything else you want to express. So do what Sagittarians do best: Look upon the changes, surprises and course alterations as learning experiences that teach you something truly valuable about yourself and life. And enjoy the ride!

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Capricorn (Dec.23rd – Jan 20th)
Money, security, things you share with others, including sex, and all that correlates with those issues may have been a little tricky lately, as you may not have been able to control the circumstances involved there. Good news: While April still holds loads of surprises in your plans, agreements, and contracts, they can end up being good surprises that help promote your plans in ways you wouldn’t have imagined. You might even discover you have some behind-the-scenes allies working for you, even if their methods aren’t always what you expect or agree with, especially between April 20th-22nd. Continue to use your characteristic caution and patient checking things out and know that later in the year you’ll able to direct matters in much more solid ways. Life is riled up for a reason now, Capricorn: You’re finding out how clever and adaptable you really are and how your problem-solving skills can work matters so everyone gains, including you, from what at first might appear as a problem.

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Aquarius (Jan.21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s been a weird time for you, Aquarius: Neptune, the planet that brings a “surrender” influence to it has been playing havoc with your sense of control. Mars transiting your sign, too, through April 6th makes you sexy, but also riles up situations and relationship dynamics that call for quite a bit of finesse and negotiations. Don’t take any of the relationship or financial challenges you’ve been experiencing personally – they’re either there to strengthen your resolve or to be an agent of your change in destiny. But do expect some shifts this month that show you what will work and what won’t. The good news is innovative ideas and clever alliances jumpstart new projects and solutions that can really benefit you, especially after April 11th. You might even find yourself quite popular and magnetic! Just be sure that you get all the facts straight and have some “plan b’s” in your back pocket incase someone or something doesn’t work the way you’ve planned.

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Pisces (Feb. 19th- March 20th)
Perhaps more than anyone else, you have been experiencing both the restlessness and the wild surprises that come from having many planets in your sign, including Uranus, the planet of freedom and of sudden changes. It’s likely changes are happening in many areas of your life, some planned and ignited by you, and others unplanned and ignited by others. The great news is you’ll be unusually super-charged for the entire month of April! Mercury traveling through your sign will prompt loads of communications, activities, and decisions through April 10th. Then Mars further empowers you to take all sorts of actions and flaunt your sex appeal from April 7th through mid-May. These planets help build your confidence and magnetism, and stimulate your enthusiasm for new goals. Just watch you don’t go overboard, or count on things happening in certain ways you expect them to, especially April 1st-4th and 27th-29th when shake-ups are likely. Look upon whatever happens with this attitude: How can I use this to become even more free?

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So those are April forecasts from Astrologer Phyllis. She has a new book out right now, too, called Astrology's Secrets to Hot Romance... And Long-Lasting Relationships, Too.

And in the spirit of full disclosure ... nobody paid me to promote this or sent me free planets or threatened me with a mercury retrograde. I just happen to think Astrologer Phyllis is really quality and awfully good people and thought ya'll should meet her!

Oh! And before you make my bagel-covered sex mistake of last month (see: Rabbi Shmuley's Kosher Sex, hrmph! Not about sex in a bagel factory after all!) this is not some raunchy "Ram Meets Crab" (hah) sex book. It's a thoughtful, usable handbook on how to understand, love and yes ... sometimes tolerate members of every sign.

The Official Descrition (which has no bagel implications) says:
Astrology’s Secrets To Hot Romance … (And Long Lasting Relationships, Too!) Is incredibly fun reading and brimming with the juicy truths, insightful revelations, and good-to-know facts that reveal how you can attract, love and deeply connect with members of every sign of the zodiac. Hot Romance not only describes specific ways to make your love life flourish, it also gives you countless techniques and insider’s advice on making all of your relationships successful and satisfying from friendships to family to coworkers. It’s the must-have relationship book! 520 pages. Here it is on Amazon.com

I was really excited to get the hook-up with Astrologer Phyllis this month, it's such an honor to have a well-respected and published astrologer writing horoscopes here. It almost makes me a little embarrassed about all the times I tried to form the Cancers into a street gang, or tried to get the Pisces folks to re-enlist for random hugging, or the time I tried to convince ya'll there was a Planet Of Mr. X.

But you know next month I'll be back doing it all over again. Maybe in Haiku format as I have been threatening for months now. Yo, yo!

Ya'll, I don't know why the pictures don't show up in Microsoft internet explorer. Blame some egghead somewhere. Then go download Mozilla Firefox, that's the web browser I use. Lord help me and the technology.

Posted by laurie at 08:53 AM | Comments (63)

March 07, 2007

March 2007 Hor-O-Scopes

At Stitch 'n Bitch last week I met a really nice gal from Ireland. She's here working for JPL-NASA in Pasadena and came to SnB to meet folks. She was so nice! When she said she worked at NASA, I didn't even hesitate to be a dumbass. I just let it pop right out.

I just looked right at her with awe and wonderment and said in my finest Country Fried Tater voice, "Wow, you must be smart!"

Also, in addition to having the unfiltered things spring forth from my talking regions, notice I often say my dumbass conversation starters... as declarative sentences. Not as questions. I just go off and declare some idiocy. I declare! You must be purty smart!

ANYWAY. She was real nice about it and just laughed. Gwen laughed too, but at me not with me. Still love you Gwen ... but, uh, don't hold your breath on a nice wedding gift now.(Oh! Just kidding! You are so getting yarn! Don't tell you husband-to-be!) And then I asked the nice Irish lady whose name I wrote down but promptly lost what she does at NASA and she is an astro-biologist. Looking for life in all the wrong planets. And then I made Gwen ask her if she had anything to do with Pluto getting demoted, which she did not, and so I breathed a sigh of astrological relief as I could now be friends with her.

That is, if I find out her name again and the whole dumbass part didn't scare her.

But I still have not accepted Pluto's fate as a planetary stepchild, just as I don't want Saturn back in my House of Anything or care to ever see Jupiter sit his wide load self down in my House of Rolling Nekkid In Money ever again.

Apparently, one of them is in my House of Run-On Sentences, though. Oops.

I think next month all the horoscopes will be in Haiku, which ought to drive your little noggins insane. "What does it mean? Why does this Haiku rhyme? And have twenty-nine syllables?" And also because these horoscope things take me a while and I don't like my diary to be work. I already have work. BOY DO I. In fact, my performance review at my job was pushed back from today to next Monday. What does this mean? Does this mean they are delaying telling me that I will now have to moonlight as the company mascot, a giant walking tie? Or does it mean that I will be moved to the basement with the storage boxes and my red stapler? Or do you think they're delaying anticipation of telling me I got a prize, like perhaps... "Most Improved in 2006 for not saying 'porn' in meetings" ???

Hey, it could happen. Although it's more likely that on Monday I will be handed my giant oversized tie costume with clown feet and told to shake a tailfeather in the lunchroom.

Ah, work. I love you.

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March 2007, better late than never


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Dr. Weil recommends that every once in a while you go on a news diet and purge your life of the obsessive need to know every. single. detail. of Anna Nicole Smith's burial drama trials and babydaddy issues. Okay, maybe he didn't phrase it exactly that way, but still you get the idea. Yes, I said it... a News Diet. And a gossip diet. I can't quite put my finger on what it is in your chart that's making me spout forth with this, except it seems like there's a little ripple of dissatisfaction, a tiny undercurrent of unhappy and all the distractions around you are well-meaning enough, like the news and the chitchat, but instead of making you feel more contentment and happiness... well, it's having the opposite effect. If you've been doing something to take your mid of your deep-seated discomfort, it's not working. The upside is that in March (particularly around the equinox on the 21st) it will be easier than ever for you to pick up some new activities, meet new people, or find new ways of getting happiness into your life. But really, all that Anna Nicole news is not helping. I am just saying is all.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You know how people will take on projects, like home improvement stuff and even crafty things, and they just go at this endeavor with every free moment, spending all their time and energy happily puttering away? I call this "taking something on as an art project." We do it all the time, and Pisces is great at it! There's something magic about a Pisces and their ability to transform something into real art. So I think that this month (and all the way into the summer) you need to take YOURSELF on as an art project. Evaluate your raw materials, make a list (both a to-do list and a shopping list) and get to work excavating the treasure within. I love Pisces and I love that this is your birthday time and so I hope you consider this a little task for your new year ahead -- I say "task" because Lord knows ya'll can't think of it as a present to yourselves (I know how you are, Pisces.) You need to take some time appraising yourself, your life, your situation. Sizing yourself up as well (and often) as you do your closest companions. Think of what you'd like this art project to one day look like, then set yourself out to make your art project come to life.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
I love me a good avoidance mechanism. You and I have this in common, Aries. Now, we also have in common the fact that I married me an Aries a long time ago and ya'll know I did you wrong for many months during "my sad time" since your horoscope looked something like, "Hope you fall over from an oozing social disease. Seeya, wouldn't want to be ya." Now that I am all healed and moved on and full of happiness and also Girl Scout Cookies (damn you, office cookie bringer! damn you!) I will share a secret: I first was attracted to an Aries because of the dynamic, creative and innate fun-ness associated with ya'll. You have ideas and concepts and whole philosophies (and you know I love me a good philosophy!) and there is something so attractive about this quality that it led even me astray into thinking Aries = Action! But sometimes ya'll = Avoidance! Now would be a good time to plug back into your life, plug back into the fun, charismatic, finger-guns toting you and less of the "Let me think of a reason why I can't do that" you. Just a suggestion. And sorry for the months of bad astrology.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus folks have a chatty happiness that instantly attracts me. I know that like Cancers, ya'll have your little homebody issues sometimes but I love the way you move through life with a happy medium always perched solidly in your middle. You teeter to one end, roll to the other and yet somehow always manage to get upright in the end. Much like a Weeble! Weebles wobble but they do not fall down. That is my Taurus folks in a nutshell. You have a teensy bit of teeter in your chart, there are family obligations pulling you in all directions and some strangely misplaced expectations from your friends to look forward to, but in the end (which is to say, at the end of March through all of Mid-April) you will once again find yourself wobbling back up to the middle, where you and your Weeble-Taurus goodness will find a solid middle ground.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I have a Gemini friend who just put out an offer on a house in the Valley, just a few blocks from me! And he has a girlfriend, and his sister just had twins so he's an uncle twice over. He went through a messy and prolonged divorce right around the same time I did, and he constantly amazed me with his resiliency (read: ability to go out and date waaaay before I was ever ready.) He's moving onward and happierward with his life every day and it's so much fun to see the surprise on his face every time he says out loud something new and exciting that's going on in his life. It's like he's constantly amazed that this is his life. Gemini has the ability to do that -- focus so clearly on happy amazement and satisfaction -- as well as focus on the exact opposite, lack and despair. Twins and split personalities and all that. The ability to see the happy AND the sad is more of an asset than you might imagine, though. The secret no one wants to share in the astrology world is that Gemini isn't a split personality at all. Gemini just sees both sides of the proverbial clichéd coin better than any other sign in the zodiac. The trick is to decide which view you dwell on. It's your choice!

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
In his book called "Kosher Sex," Rabbi Shmuley writes that human beings need separation and reunion in order to sustain passionate love. "Even the slightest taste of absence will make the heart grow much stronger," he says. And he's right. Cancers would do well to remember such a wisdom in March and in life (and also, stop right this second looking at me in that tone of voice. I can read "Kosher Sex" if I want to! Granted, I thought it was a book about having sex and then eating bagels, but whatever! I learned some stuff!) We Cancers tend to want love and affection and adoration, so we often substitute closeness and proximity and ... well, it's a poor substitute. I think the trick may be that in your friendships, your relationships, even with your family you give yourself some room and space to breathe. Apply it to your job, too. If you work 60+ hours a week (ahem) ... you need time off! You need that time to avoid burnout. Stay at home moms? I am talking to you, too. All ya'll! Cancer, I know how you can be. Take the time away to be still and breathe and let a little air into your life. That way you can better enjoy the Kosher Sex...uh. I mean bagels. Or whatever.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Mercury is still doing its crazy thing until the middle of next week, or thereabouts, I always like to give Mercury a wide aisle to walk down since we've had our run-ins in the past. Anyway, I'm putting this right at the very tip-top of your forecast since I am late on the telling of forecasts this month (I do have to work for a living and by "work" I do not mean "sit around on the sofa pondering my bellybutton and eating astrological cheetos") and you don't want to step in any post-Mercury goo if you can avoid it. That means pay attention to financial and work-related stuff a little more closely, especially stuff that happens on days ending in "y." After the solar eclipse on the 18th, everything will be gravy in Leo. Or tuna in Leo? Or maybe ice cream in Leo. I don't know the correct metaphor (see: "Mercury harshes my linguistic buzz") but I do know that solar eclipses do funny things to Leos and ya'll are in for an excellent few weeks from the beginning of spring (March 21) onward. Whew, I am almost worn out from all the planetary chitchat going on in this horoscope. I need to get back to my cheetos.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Manners are for rebels. That's why I love me a Virgo. Ya'll have manners but in the STRANGEST and loveliest ways. For example, you can always count on a Virgo to have an opinion. And share it. But a Virgo opinion isn't a character assassination, it's merely fact and logic formed with interest. Ya'll manage to say things that others could never get away with because your manners are on the inside, closest to the heart, and you never desire to hurt folks or drag 'em down. Some signs could take a lesson in this department though I will try to mind my manners and not mention which ones. Interestingly enough, your candor and honesty (which is almost always spot-on) can make people think you have no soft spots of your own. But your ability to see into others with a new light is second to your ability to be wounded deeply by those who can't see you clearly at all. Try to offer forth a little patience with these characters. Not everyone will understand you because you are unique, and different from them, and it might take a while for that to shine out. It's not personal. And they'll get some manners of their own, eventually.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
We all have so much stress wrapped up in money. Libra is no different, even with all the balance and Zen and so on associated with Libra folks, money can still bring up all sorts of tricky issues. Toward the end of the month, money will loom large and in charge, and you can cower, cry in a corner eating cheetos, or decide that money is just math, not magic, and while you yourself may not feel all mathy and brilliant in the moment, they have these new-fangled things called calculators which do the adding, and in this case, subtracting. The upside is that you are better prepared right now than most to handle some weird financial blip and your Zen will return right after tax day in mid-April. That's not long to wait for Zen, now is it? You Libras and your ability to remain upright in a flood, I tell you what. Share a little of that rowboat with a Cancer girl? please?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Scorpio folks are at better at justification than anyone! Ya'll rock the self-propelled visionary bunch o' baloney. A songwriter friend of mine from back home and I were on the phone the other night and he was telling me a story, telling me he had to get out of a particular personal situation real soon. And he said, "What you never meant can become your life." Leave it to a songwriter to sum up some profound sh*t in one line. March is a good month for Scorpios to tie up some loose ends (and that is a nice way of saying "Get rid of the stuff you don't want to become your whole life.") It's real easy to fall into the comfort of a thing, the rhythm and cadence and measure of something because it's ... well, because it's there. It's available. It happens to be there at the time and you're too lazy or unmotivated to change it so you let it go on, then go on for too long. Don't allow something you never meant to become your whole life just because you're real real good at making up an excellent justification bunch o' baloney excuse.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
I wrote your forecast last this month, usually I write Cancer or Capricorn last. But Sag has an interesting chart (say that like you mean it and you, too, can be a prognosticator) for March and April. Maybe it's because my own family is coming out to visit that I get a family vibe strong over here, but ya'll will have family either in your hair, on your mind, in in your house for some or part of this time and they will teeter between driving you insane and making you insanely happy to have them. Also, after the solar eclipse on the 18th there's the big ol' spring equinox on the 21st and after this turning point, and it is a turning point not just on the axis of the planet but on the axis of your well-being, you are off and set for a REALLY REALLY good rest of the year. It will be in so many ways what you've been looking toward for all these long months, what you've been hoping for and praying to happen. It's like the calmness you really wanted and wished for your home life will truly, really, madly materialize and you'll get the small, calm center you held out hope for. I feel really excited about Sagittarius in '07. I will even share my Year of The Pig with ya'll.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
"When you change, people either change with you or they leave your life forever." I heard a friend say that recently and it immediately reminded me of a Capricorn in March. Capricorns have had a change rollercoaster going on since about this time last fall and I know it felt like everything was moving too fast and out of control for your little control enthusiast hands to grab onto. Things dipped and slowed into a holding pattern or horror for a brief period last month, and now you're back on the ride. You're maybe wondering if it WILL EVER STOP. When will you regain control? When will you be back in the driver's seat motoring the car of your life? I hate to give advice based upon such things as vernal equinoxes and planets and ache in my bones and so on, but here goes. You are already in the driver's seat! You are already firmly inside your own life. The trick is to find the parts of this rollercoaster that are fun and exciting and new and instead of saying, "Oh God. What the hell is coming next?" you say, "Hmmm. That was inneresting! Wonder what the heck is up next! I hope it comes with chocolate! and shopping!" It really is that simple. (I didn't say it was easy... just simple. Very different thing.)

Posted by laurie at 01:38 PM | Comments (84)

February 01, 2007

February2007 Horoscopes

I really wish they would have let Pluto stay a planet and would have taken stupid Mercury out of the mix, always retrograding like it's just having a party over there in the fifth house of "Make Your Life A Horror Movie." But that's okay, that's fine. I'm going to pretend Pluto is still a planet. You might want to remember that when you read my prognostications. And then later I may have some real estate to sell you, beachfront property! and we can have a sleepover where we do a séance to talk to your childhood puppy.

But in all seriousness, because that is how I am you know, very serious, February has a LOT going on for such a short month:

• Stupid Mercury, always retrograding when the rest of us want to par-tay! That is from February 13 to March 7.
• Full moon on February 2nd to taunt us.
• Groundhog Day, while not astrological in nature, still. It's a day.
• Valentine's Day. Let's just face it.
• New Moon on February 17.
• Oh, and Mardi Gras. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

And it keeps going into March, I guess since February was short there was some astrological spillover:
• Major eclipse on March 3 in Virgo. Go Virgo, Go Virgo!
• On March 7, Mercury turns direct. Then we all have wine.

Actually, the really scary part of all this is that I woke up this morning and ... it was already FEBRUARY! How the heck did it get here so fast?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Happy Birthday! My older brother is an Aquarius and he is often just a puzzle to me. He's one of the smartest people I know, and he's also very complex, with a soft heart but no one would ever guess. Typical Aquarius! Anyway, February is a big big financial month for you, although you might not see the results until mid-March when a whole bunch of planets hang out together and hand out karma dollars. I do want to gently caution that your soft heart, well-hidden as it may be, may find itself being pulled on this month, especially between now and mid-February. Luckily for you, there's a big new moon in your sign around that time which makes all the difference between merely trudging onward and actually walking for enjoyment. You have a lot of compassion inside, and I assure you that compassion doesn't have an end. You were blessed with endless amounts of it, you'll just need to trust that you won't run out.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Well, color me surprised and hand me a cocktail. I do believe our friend Pisces here has finally had exactly E-NOUGH of the craziness, the instability, the forever limbo. I think in fact Pisces may have just gotten what we refer to in highly secretive astrological lingo as "a backbone." It has always been there, of course, you're just not real fond of using it ... not because Pisces is weak, mind you, but because more than any other sign on the wheel, Pisces folks do understand the ripple effect of every action, every word, every thought. So they do their darndest to make sure they don't screw stuff up, thereby ending the universe as we know it. But all that fear of making a misstep can be paralyzing, and you end up mired in your own indecision. Like I'm telling you something you don't know. Anyway! That's all just talking, since you are DEFINITELY no longer mired down this month. I'm quite pleased with what I see, I think you'll be right proud of your backbone by month's end. Then you can get back to your old familiar worrywart self.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
You're more focused on the day-to-day aspects of your life than ever before. For an Aries, this is like the death knell of creativity. Ya'll are so dramatic! Merely resist the urge to think you're drowning in the mundane! I like to think of the really basic pieces of our day-to-day lives as our "kitchen reality" and the beauty of kitchen reality is that you develop an appreciation for the art, the beauty of life, even if it happens in your kitchen, your copy room at work, or your cubicle. Retrograding Mercury gives you the ability to rest for a moment and see your life for the very beauty it holds in the smallest places. Enjoy it.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I'm sorry about Mercury going all notrograde on you. Stupid astrology! But the thing about Taurus (taurii?) is that when you are pushed into a corner and feel completely pressured, ya'll manage to be absolutely, hands down the BEST VERSION OF YOU EVER! Your primary issue all month will be your core fear vs. your core reality. (I make that sound so easy. But really it's kind of HUGE.) For example, if your core fear is that you are unworthy, your main challenge all month will be trusting your own instincts in the face of a million naysayers all trying to foist their unworthy solutions upon you. Simply rely upon your Taurii vibe for innate goodness, and plow through them when they are wrong. Because really? They are wrong. You are innately good, Taurus. Defend your gut!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I like to base all my fauxrriscopes on the people I am closest to from the astrological wheel. Gemini is always close to my heart because I was born right on the cusp, and I feel responsible for knowing what my neighbors are up to. This will be a trying and frustrating month for Gemini because dumb Mercury is in notrograde, making life difficult. Interestingly enough, Geminis will have a weirdly cohesive month, with strange opportunities showing up around every corner. It's ball in your court month, Gemini. Your challenge is to chase after the odd and unusual opportunities February will bring. Also, FYI. One of them may be very very goodlooking.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Oh crap. You got me again as your ASTROLOGER! Didn't you learn, last year, when I wanted us to start a gang called the Cancer Crips? All I can say about February is resist the temptation to ostrich! You may well want to bury your head in the sand, but truth is you're smarter and more pragmatic than anyone on Team Problem, so do not hide from your primary challenge this month. (It is hard for me to take my own advice, but I try.) The good news is that although we are prone to forget the past only when it suits us, truth is we are having a MUCH better year so far than we were having this time last year. If you need proof, just browse backward through your old diaries, old reciepts, old memories. And for a Cancer, that is progress! Also, on an unrelated note: Perfect flawed Cancer, forget about this Valentine’s Day horsesh*t. Just enjoy the discount pink items on the 15th, remember that love does not get one designated day, and rise above any expectations of forced romance. Hallmark holidays are not for crabs. We prefer our maudlin romanticism on unexpected Tuesdays in June or October or March, thankyouverymuch.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I wanted to put an exclamation sign after your name like Leo! Woohoo! You have made serious progress so far this year and 2007 is in the hizzey! (I don’t know what hizzey means either, but in hiphop lingo apparently it is good.) So just love and know and appreciate your greatness. February only sucks because stupid Mercury does its hiding thing, and you'll have some financial integrity issues. Let me ask you a question. Do you rely upon your own judgment, or the judgment of others? Might I suggest that you begin to voice some Leo prowess, even in finances? You have way more roar than the other guys. You may want to inform them you are in the financial "hizz-ay" now and you will be making your own monetary decisions, yo yo. (I really have to get a handle on the bad slang. Sorry!)

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Resourceful. Lovely. Ready. These are the three words popping up in your House Of Adjectives this month. I often don't "get" the Virgo chart, ya'll are so unlike Cancer and sometimes it feels like I'm staring into a book full of Greek and Latin words mixed in together. But this month I can see your adjectives, and that is a good start. Resourceful: Virgos are rockstars at making silk out of hay. You manage to take some rather unappealing junk in life and make it into really unique (and valuable) opportunities. You're more ready right now for financial success than you have maybe ever been, and you deserve every penny of it. You worked hard and didn't give up when life handed you junk during that three-month period last year. Lovely: Well, you are! Ready: Let me say it again, you are ready for the good and happy pieces. Your chart is very clear on this one, and those pieces are on their way.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Libras are some of the least confrontational folks on the entire planet. Even the few Libras who will engage in an altercation from time to time are nothing compared to a deceptively nice Cancer who has finally had ENOUGH or a raging Scorpio on like, any given Monday. Ya'll just don't let emotions build and build inside you, you're far too cerebral for that nonsense. But February has all sorts of craziness attached to it, there's stuff retrograding and there's other stuff eclipsing within mere weeks and full moons, and good grief. By mid-month you may just want to haul off and hurl at someone. I don't usually advise anyone to say what's on their mind in the heat of anger, since I am Southern and we are all about repressing our feelings. However, this month would be a really good time to try expressing your emotions ... start by just writing it down, and then feel all proud of yourself for having the self-control to get over it. Because you will, of course. You're a Libra!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I LOVE Scorpios. I don't talk about my adoration of the Scorpio very often, but the truth is my very first true love is a Scorpio and ya'll forever hold a place in my heart. Having said that, I do tend to see ya'lls little pitfalls and personality snares as mere particulars. Others, however, are not always as forgiving. There is a weird angle in your astrological chart this month, like your eleventeenth house of home and family has its panties in a bunch. Might I suggest biting your tongue with either a close friend or family member midmonth when there will be a little tension? Trust me. It would be REALLY A GOOD IDEA. Yes, you are passionate and fabulous, but also sometimes it is good to hold back a little on the passion, verbally, and let others just say what's on their minds.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
How is the year of no secrets, no darkness, no messes going? Ahem. I am merely going to give you a gentle reminder that you are absolutely better than what you think of yourself at this very moment and you need to stop worrying over all the still-incomplete To Do lists from last December. I know the first month of this year went by a little fast, but real quicklike it will be spring, then summer, then you'll be saying, Holy Crap! It's going to be my birthday! And you'll wonder where another year went. Change your scenery to change your outlook. There is no other sign in the zodiac that could benefit from a little time off more than you, Sagittarius! Consider planning a vacation (ASAP) even if it is just a one day getaway, a long drive on a beautiful road, a field trip to a place you love nearby, or a full-fledged vacay to a new city. You need change right now as much as you need food or water.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Two of my best friends are Caps and so is my Dad. These are the people closest to me in the world, and I love watching the changes in their lives as they move through their days, each so different as people yet so much alike! January was a really interesting month for Capricorns (hint: "inneresting" is the word we use to describe things that were crucial, but not always easy.) Ya'll have gotten some major enlightenment in the past few weeks, followed by periods of real frustration. It's because you hate change, and change is ALL AROUND YOU. Well, let me be more specific. You like change that you fully control, but a lot of what's happening involves your future which right now is an unwritten book and the more you try to write it down, the more changier it gets. You must MUST relax your grip a tiny bit or your head will pop off. If it makes you feel any better, Saturn (which is causing all this trouble for you) comes out of its sneaky phase in April and all these things that have been murky and scary become clear and fresh and comforting.

Posted by laurie at 10:05 AM | Comments (86)

January 02, 2007

January 2007 Hor-O-Scopes

Ya'll know I love my lists and my list-making.

Perhaps that's why horoscopes appeal to me, they're nothing more than a bunch of lists anyway. And for 2007 everyone gets a resolution! Like it or not every sign has its own little list to bear, a burden of To-Dos and To-Don'ts. I will not be detailing the full annotated version of each sign here, naturally, since I do believe it would rival War & Peace for both length and scariness. Instead, I have merely settled in on a manageable January (and Aught-Seven) To-Do or To-Don't for each sign of the zodiac.

This is very self-helpy. I tried to pick the things that most stood out in each chart (in the general spirit of New Year's Resolutions) and since we're all fixer-uppers, each of us, it's a little on the Chicken Soup For The Horoscope side. Whoops! I promise there will be more cussing in the future, just to balance the cosmos. I don't know if I will keep writing these or not (they take hours! head is hurty!) but we'll see. I'm all cliffhanger that way.

- - - - - - -

January 2007


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Long-term goals are odd things for Aquarians. On the one hand, ya'll can see forward into the possibility of the future better than a lot of signs. On the other hand, Lord ya'll are stubborn. Sure you see what COULD be possible, but stubbornly insist your path is on some other, parallel universe where nothing has been determined yet. Your 2007 To-Do: Create some peace in your day-to-day life by accepting a little routine. Routine is not synonymous with slow death, it's just where we spend a lot of time, between Big Ups and Big Downs. Learn to embrace even a little of your routine and you'll feel smoother on the inside, less like you're missing out on your big potential. To Don't: Don't miss out on your Big Potential. Aquarians occassionally need a good flogging to get them back on the straight and narrow path to personal greatness. Do you? Are you stubbornly resisting your own best life? (Told you this was self-helpy. Sorry!)

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
To Do: Actually pick sides. I mean, sure, you always have an opinion hidden deep inside you, and sometimes you'll express a preference, or a hope, but just fully coming out with a Win-Place-Show card is tougher for you than any other sign. It's because you're kind, and can see both sides (and all twenty-seven, in fact) of a situation, and you don't want to hurt anyone or misstep or say or do a wrong thing. In 2007, you must take a stand, or pick a side, or choose one way or the other in your life. To Don't: Don't get paralyzed with the ominous sound of your year. (Choosing! ARGH!) Truth is, Pisces knows more about human emotion and creative solutions for problems than just about any other sign. If anyone can get through this upcoming year of choice with their dignity and cuteness intact, it is Pisces. And probably Cancer, too, but I am biased.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
No one has ever accused an Aries of being too Pisces, too unable to take a stand or have an opinion or make up a big ol' Aries mind. No one ever confuses Aries with Cancer, always dreaming of the future or the past and never fully present. Aries can make decisions quickly, right now! In the moment! But Aries has a bit of an impulse-control issue, too, so in 2007 your To-Don't is clear: Don't live entirely based on your impulses. Use your big Aries brain and your equally big heart to balance out your decisions. Acting on impulse may be fine at the grocery store or the shoe store, but it gets harder to justify "I just wanted to!" with family and friends and work. Your To-Do for 2007 is a good one, though: Do spend more time indulging your snooty, refined, prissy self. Aries make excellent foodies, and great wine lovers, and fabulous art critics. Aries folks can enjoy the finer parts of life like nobody's business. Make it your business!



TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
My Mom is a Taurus and she's alternately thrilled about the big year ahead, terrified of what could go wrong at any moment, or in complete "I'll think about that later" mode. Typical Taurus. This 2007 To Don't will be very tough for you: Don't minimize your own fear, or anxiety, for a minute longer. Ya'll tend to get nervous (or anxious, worried or scared) and suppress it to new and unknown nether regions of the psyche, where it rears up and wakes you in the middle of the night and then you lay awake and have no way to deal with it at three a.m. It's completely okay to be a basket case inside sometimes. Myself, I embrace this wholeheartedly. It's not weak to have worries or doubts, and it doesn't make you a wimpy old failure to fear something. Your 2007 To Do is happier: Do something on a regular basis just for you, something that pleases you and makes you happy and relaxes you. Ya'll are some of the best do-ers in the zodiac, so make your own comfort a project and put yourself at the top of the list of people you need to "do" for.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Your inherent love of love itself and tackling challenges and seeing new things and EXPERIENCING (!!!) LIFE can leave you, my little Gemini, a bit on the broker-than-an-8-track side. The year 2007 has a very simple DO for you: Do seriously get serious, I mean seriously, about finances. And your Don't is a natural, too: Don't automatically assume that fiscal integrity comes with a death sentence at Riker's. You can be fiscally responsible and still have a Gemini life! All you have to do is look at it this way: You are dealing with your finances so that you can find ALL the extra money available to have EVEN more fun and vacation and new cameras and excellent wine and all those little things that make a Gemini so much damn fun to be around.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Sometimes I save Cancer for the last, either because I can't see that far ahead into my own month or because it's too personal. This time, I rushed right to Cancer first, ready to tell all crabs everywhere that finally, hello, 2007 is here! That means we get a whole new list, a whole new year, a whole 'nother chance at love and happy and all those things we secretly wish for deep down in our crabby little hearts. Your January To-Don't is simple: Every time you start beating yourself up over something you said or did in the past, or start replaying a past mistake or bad situation in your head, STOP. And your To-Do is equally simple, but very satisfying: Use this month to exercise your future-tense daydream muscles. In place of all that time you spend in your head trying to fix or re-live the past, now just actively focus on daydreaming your future. See it in your mind, down to the shoes you'll wear. Be whoever you want to be in your futures, your fantasies, your imagination. Us crabs never fully live in the present, so if you have to choose between obsessing over the past (which you can never change) or daydreaming a beautiful future... always, always pick the future. (And yes, my daydreams include what shoes I will be wearing. Indeed!)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ah, Leo, whose heart was broken in so many pieces. Luckily, 2007 is here and with it is a new chance, a new way to live, and love, and drive. Yes, drive. Ya'll need to be more careful with the driving, Lord! Your 2007 To-Do: Pick something you've always wanted to do, something you love, a place you want to visit, or a hobby you want to try, something. You are a creative and energetic wanna-be worrywart who needs new challenges, especially this year. It's up to you to find something to light your fire back up. Try a whole new variety of things, read, talk to new people, listen to different music. You need some place to go that is forward *and* outward, at the same time. Your 2007 To-Don't: Forget writing a lovesong to bring back the past happiness. You have to let go, it's over, it was meant to be over and done with. You lived it, you loved it, you're long past it. Now say it until you believe it. Then, finally, just say goodbye.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a friend who is a complete and lovely Virgo, and her 2007 is shaping up to be a changey year, full of adventure in the quiet, controlled ways Virgo loves. People forget that Virgoes do love an adventure, because ya'll are more quiet and personal about it, which is not a bad thing. Your 2007 To-Do is a part of that: Do indulge your wandering gypsy side. There is a part of every Virgo that wants to be free and go forth to learn, and see new things, and get the chance to know more than anyone else. SO GO DO IT. You have a big brain, and you often are a know-it-all because, well, you do know a lot. (Capricorns give you a run for the know-it-all money). This year you'll have a life-changing move, it's in your chart. Make it matter. Your 2007 To-Don't: Don't let your quietness (about finances, or emotions, or sex, or a problem you have with your car/job/spouse) keep you from getting help if you need it. Even if it's just reaching out to a friend, or going to a good mechanic or doctor, don't keep something quiet that could be helped by talking.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
One of the interesting things about Libra is how well they seem to play with others. Libras really get a feel for people, and they can see an almost eerily clear picture of another's personality in record time. Your To-Do this year is a side-effect of all that philosophizing and summarizing you do: Turn your crystal-clear human perception skills on YOURSELF. Spend some time figuring out your own whys and hows, what you want for the future, get a very clear picture in your head of who you are and who you want to be. By the way, this is like asking a Libra to cut off a leg. So easy! To Don't: Don't keep a list in your head of all the wrongdoing or misdeeds or he-said she-said so-and-so. It's a natural and normal part of your people skills, you see people for who they are, and sometimes you don't like a lot of it. But we're all just human, including you, which is why this year it would be a good idea to stop making lists of all the ways others are broken (or need fixing, depending on whether or not you are a glass half-full sort of Libra) and focus on your own personal list.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Last year ya'll about worked yourselves into a frenzy and you had such a busy (and stressful) year, it's hard to look back and see all good. But it wasn't all bad. You certainly accomplished a lot! The Scorpio 2007 To-Don't is a tough one, but it's doable and it will forever shape your days and weeks and years into something good: STOP THAT ONE THING YOU DO. You know what I mean. You have one key overriding personality trait that makes your life insane. Some of ya'll are jealous, some of you are angry, or grudge-holders, or mean arguers, or leavers-before-I-get-hurters. You know who you are. You have one needling issue that gets you in trouble over and over. STOP IT. And your 2007 To-Do is an extension of that mantra: Channel all your intensity (and that ONE THING YOU DO, dammit) into something healthy or fun or decadent or artsy or profitable. Scorpios have more passion than just about any folks I know. If you could spend less time trying to get out of situations you "somehow got in" and spend more time funneling your hot-headedness into your happy/fun/entertaining/work life, 2007 would be the perfect year.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
To Do: Make fact-checking a part of your 2007. It's easy for adorable little Sag to get into all sorts of scrapes and messes because you believed someone, took a thing at face value, or worse yet -- didn't do your research. So, the coming year is all about getting your facts straight, seeing things for what they are instead of what you hope they end up being. Ask questions, look for second opinions, make sure someone is who they claim to be before you walk into a (metaphorical) dark alley with them. To Don't: Really. Don't go walking down any dark alleys, either real or metaphorical, if you can at all avoid it. This year is Sag's year of light and openness and there's just no need for darkened rooms anymore, or secrets, or messes.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
I love me some Capricorns. I have all kinds of Cappy friends, and my Dad is a Capricorn, too. Your 2007 is marked by change, good change, and I keep reminding myself (so I will remind you, too) that all change -- even when it's awesome, and expected, and anticipated -- creates stress. It's just stress. You don't have to plan it away, or worry it away, or decision it away. You can actually have stress and that's it, no to-do list at all. Of course, you are a Capricorn so you would shoot me if I just left you hanging there. Your 2007 To Don't: Don't rush headfirst into a thing just because you have the deep, scary sense that life is careening along out of your immediate control and you MUST MAKE A DECISION NOW. Truth is, this will be a busy and chang-y year for Cappies, so you're going to feel crazy sometimes. Don't make decisions just to assuage your crazy self. To Do: Breathe. Roll along with it for a while, see what your options are, and when you start feeling pressured (ya'll always put more pressure on yourselves than anyone else does!) make it your absolute priority to have some quiet time to think. Your one best asset this year will be your brain, use it! Your second best asset is your heiney. Do with it what you will.

Posted by laurie at 12:49 PM | Comments (78)

October 02, 2006

October Spooky-scopes

No, I did not forget about the very important stars and moons and planets and Pluto happening in October! But it's soon to be Halloween, and no time like the present for detailing all the ways in which we, as astrological profiles, kind of bite. We're all vampires in our own ways, sucking the life right out of life and there's no excuse for it. UNLESS you want to blame it all on being born under an unlucky star, or Pluto, which I wholly 100% endorse.

Happy scary Rocktober!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Have ya'll heard about this Congressman guy who sent all kinds of salacious emails to underage boys? Mmmm. I love scandals. They're so... scandalous. I half wondered if ole Representative Foley wasn't an Aquarius, because man ya'll can be impulsive. Left alone in a room with a computer and an innernet connection, ya'll will be up to no good in about three seconds flat. Now, this isn't a comment on your goodness, deep down ya'll are good as gold and have a kindness streak a mile wide. But Lord you do some boneheaded things (no pun intended). Most of the zodiac needs a five-second rule: give yourself five seconds before you act on that impulse. Aquarians need a seventeen day rule. And even then sometimes ya'll surprise the pants off me (whoops, with the puns again!)

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
I know a cute Pisces guy who is so darn adorable you want to just hug him until he needs chiropractic help to disentangle. Problem is, he's a Pisces, so it's real real hard to get close enough to hug, and if hugging were to occur he'd break away before medical intervention were necessary. Not that ya'll aren't warm and affectionate. It's just that once you've been hurt -- and come on, by now if your old enough to be sitting upright and reading words in a sentence, you have been hurt -- you're about as excited to let someone else into your heart as you are to jump headfirst into an empty swimming pool. Unlike us Cancers who just keep volunteering for more heartache and sorrow on our World Quest For Love and Attention, you Pisces folks want the same thing but are most reluctant volunteers. Explain to me how you're going to get the Recommended Daily Allowance Of Lovin' if you're too scared to re-enlist for hugging?

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Listen, I know we've had a rough year. First, there was all the months I held back on you because my Mr. X was a big ol' Aries. Then there was the whole Jupiter issue which I may or may not have forgotten to mention because people! I do not control the planets! I know you need self-indulgence and attention, and I was all about Me, Me, Me. Fortunately for us we can't get divorced because I'm not even your Legally Wed Astrologer! I'm just the person who needlessly reminds you that you are someone who needs self-indulgence. Which is not an entirely bad quality, I have it myself, but if you could see past that little flaw of mine, you'll see that I'm trying to tell you something valuable here. Aries, you have been maligned, misunderstood, and un-indulged. Oh, haven't we all. Your acting ability is second to none, so you haven't shown how misunderstood you truly are. You've been playing a role, it had nothing at all to do with Jupiter or Planet Mr. X, and now you want to know when we'll get down to the real business of unearthing the Aries Truth. Maybe when you get down to the business of showing your true colors on a more regular basis. People only misunderstand because they don't see the real you. How can they indulge an act?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
According to Love Astrology, Taurus would be an excellent match for me. I've yet to date a Taurus (surprisingly) but I do think I would enjoy your also tenacious character, the way you secretly like to save things, your conflicted relationship with money. I do wonder if we'd be able to move around our house, though, cluttered as it would be with my memories and your stuff. Whoops! I just crossed a Taurus line, calling all that stuff you've been saving "stuff" instead of Treasured Valuable Items. I like the way you rationalize holding on to the weirdest junk, the same way I do. I'm betting that you have a little spreadsheet in your mind of the justification, purpose, and history of each thing/person/piece of paper in your collection. Oh my little Taurus, where are you? You might be the only person in the world who I could help by throwing things away. Your things, of course. Gosh... we're not getting rid of mine!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
My most favorite Gemini recently turned 62, cashed out all his stock in a Big High-Tech Company, and bought himself a brand new Corvette. HE IS SUCH A GEMINI. Hi wife, a darling Cancer, probably had a near heart attack. Geminis are always being characterized as impulsive and selfish. But I'm going to teach ya'll a great Southernism you must embrace: ya'll are just particular. It's not that you fly by the seat of your pants, always running afoul of the boring signs with your hedonism and impracticality. Ya'll are just particular, see? You have needs, and while they may not mesh with anyone else's vision of reality, ya'll just keep on down the path to crazybones because you know, you KNOW, that when you find happiness you better damn well be driving a fun car. Amen.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
If you've spent even five minutes ever reading the astrological profile of Cancer, you know what they like to say abut us. If you believe all that crap, we're just a bunch of loveable oafs who want to mother the world and we tentatively watch from the sidelines for stray cats to take in, in between violent mood swings. What they don't tell you is that we are really deep down inside just in search of one thing, pure and simple: adoration. We don't want it the way Leos do (read: obedience) or the way Taurus does (smoochy acquiescence), no, we want -- nay, demand! -- full adoration and we need it ya'll. We NEED it. Which is why we're so damn hard to get to know, really know, Lord can we keep secrets. What we love to do most is think about how sad and maudlin we're going to be around the holidays, since there's no adoration in sight and here it is October and the Halloween candy is in the aisles and we know. We know what's coming. YOU CANNOT FOOL A CANCER. I say, let's make everyone else miserable, too. Let's start telling all the Jolly Hi Ho people of other zodiacal dimensions that, oh yeah, Christmas is just X days away. It will freak them out and make you so, so pleased.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Well, Leo, in the words of your arch-nemesis Dr. Phil, let me ask the question of the month: How's THAT workin' for you? You know what I mean. You're very exact these days, very precise, very Leo (which is why the last man I dated for a while was a Leo, I did enjoy his confidence) (until he forgot he needed the audience, needed my attention, and just went out catting off as Leos are prone to do.) It's all fine and good to be the Big Cheese, but no one can eat an entire wheel of cheese. One must break it down into bite size pieces, savory tidbits, sometimes inexactly sliced and yummy. Cheese is always more palatable when mixed in with a nice salty cracker or a glass of wine, mix! Enjoy the other hors d 'oeuvres! You must relax, or the cheese metaphors will continue and you will be constipated, alone in your greatness, alone with no one to admire you, alone with no cracker to complement your cheesy goodness. And how would THAT work for you?

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Virgo is one of my favorite signs on the wheel because, like Cancer, people think they have you pigeonholed into an exact Type, they think you're stuck in this prurient rut of cleanliness and sanctity. OH IF THEY ONLY KNEW. If they only knew you the way I do! I love your icky spots best. How you can be secretly very judgmental of the oddest things. You'll forgive a lot, but with you there are absolute, hidden dealbreakers and I love the way you keep them totally unarticulated so the rest of the world is always running afoul of your little internal barometer. Don't you dare change. Or, if you do change, don't tell anyone. Best to always keep people wondering where they've gone awry.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The scales of justice thing? Total crock of youknowwhat. All that "fair and balanced" stuff applies to you as much as to the network that trademarked it. You're a thinker, that's for sure, but you also get annoyed easily and in fact I am annoying you right this very minute. Hi! Maybe now I'll talk too much, and tell you about this really boring long involved dream I had (you = not a fan) and then by the end of this paragraph you won't even bother to tell me what an idiot I am, you'll just look at me in that Libra way -- ya'll have THE most expressive expressions -- and I Will Know. You're very discerning that way. Weeding out the flotsam. Problem is, we all have our flotsam (what the hell IS flotsam, anyway? Is it green? Like that stuff sitting on top of the swamp in Bayou Lafayette?) and even you, Oh Wise Libra, have flotsam. YES YOU DO. Flotsam. Don't look at me like that! This is your horror-scope, not your fair and balancedscope!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
If only I could hold a grudge the way you do. Problem with Cancers is that while we DO hold our grudges, we're just not hard as nails on the follow through. I mean, sure, we can harbor resentment and hurt, but you Scorpios really know how to zing it to 'em. Interestingly enough, fewer Scorpios have road rage than other signs, because ya'll get your issues out in your day-to-day just fine, thankyouverymuch. It's those one or two nagging doubts you have, about the time you got so mad and just gave a big F-you to so-and-so, or said what was REALLY on your mind to you-know-who -- that keep you from being really happy with yourself. Which is good! Trust me, Guilt Cancer, on this one. The guilt of how you behaved that one time keeps you from being the total jerk you aspire to be when jerkiness is called for. I know you may not believe me, but that guilt can keep you happy. In a really roundabout and messed-up way.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The best way to get rid of a Sag is to start telling them exactly what to do. So I won't do that today, seeing as I have already alienated for sure the Libras and Aries and Aquarius folks. Hi ya'll! Don't change a thing! Except... wow, ya'll. Don't you ever WANT to plan obsessively like the Cappies and Cancers and Virgos do? I mean, you don't have to get all Excel spreadsheet on us or anything. But you could try to make a list, maybe, pros and cons of your latest greatest good idea? Actually -- wait -- I have an idea. Just embrace your inner Unplanner, and hook your wagon to one of the more neurotic signs in the zodiac family. We'll do all your planning for you. The downside is that we will nag. A lot. And tell you what to do. So, you must invest in a really good Selective Hearing Aid. Oh hell, there I go again, telling you what to do. Whoops.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
So, the very last date I went on was with a guy who is a Capricorn through and through. I thought we'd be great together, after all, my dad is a Cap and my best friend is a Cappy, and why did this not work out? Oh, I could blame myself (hey, I am a Cancer, that's what we do) (Until we start blaming you) and then I realized he was TOO Capricorn. You see, I love jokes. I adore goofyass ridiculous jokes, and I often make fun of myself, because in my Cancer mind I'm able to joke about the things that I am most okay with, like, say, calling myself a big nerd or a goobernut. As an ubercapricorn, however, my date was unnerved by my dorkiness, wondering when the spotlight would shine on him and reveal his Inner Flaws. I know ya'll say you don't mind your little quirks, but boy are ya'll sensitive to even implied future criticism. Are you sure you aren't just a bunch of Cancers in disguise? Look, the bottom line is that we are not making fun of you, and even if we are we do it because we're callous dorks who love you. Embrace the love. Embrace the dork inside.

Posted by laurie at 06:47 PM | Comments (80)

August 02, 2006

August 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Is it really August already?

Every day I look up from a pile of work and suddenly it's already 2 p.m. and WHERE IS THE SUMMER GOING? Not that I mind the passing of the hottest months of the year, of course, what with my thick Nordic-Germanic blood making me predisposed on a genetic level to sit on an iceberg swathed in furs and drinking vodka, but it's more that I need a vacation because ya'll I am tired. I visit travel websites and pray for "Cheap Flight To Anywhere." When one cannot feasibly take a vacation, one plans phantom getaways online. It's like porn, really, as secretive and guilty as I feel about it, always going online to get a quick fix (Dubai! Prague! Boston!) and then after I get my fix, I feel calm, transported, even if just for a minute.

What does this have to do with Astrology, you may ask? Nothing.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Home repair, car repair, footwear malfunctioning, even the sunglasses/handbag/new thing you just bought is askew. Fun, eh? How's it going over there, Aquarius? What's broken today in your world? I know it feels like it won't stop (oh, and by the way, for those of you who are not experiencing any technical difficulties at all, ah. yes. Well, sorry to break the news to you. August is "Stuff Breaks" month.) but it will stop, it will! even though it feels like the world has conspired against you. It hasn't ... it's just something in Uranus. Besides, whatever breaks can be replaced, and maybe you'll find something better anyway ... next month, of course, when it's likely to last longer than a day and a half.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Now would be a really good time to start some sort of art project. There's a wide variety of really artsy rivers running through the Pisces world: the obvious painting, drawing, scrapbooking, knitting, crochet, etc. But Pisces has a real artistic-crazy streak this month, that extends to designing items from scratch, cooking up gourmet creations, making cakes shaped like Monopoly games. Don't rule out the more adventurous art-crazy, either, like carving stuff with power tools or making electronic devices, or building a car from scratch. It's your month to go a little nutty in the creative realm, and you should take advantage of it before your inspiration diminishes with the end of summer.


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The good thing about you Aries folks is that you really don't hold life-long grudges. It's kind of nice to see someone forget (forgive?) past transgressions. Oh, ya'll may think I am smoking the astro-weed, but if you had any idea what real grudge-holding was you'd realize what a fine specimen of forgiveness you can be (ask a Scorpio or a Cancer, we'll tell you who wronged us back in third grade, I kid you not.) The only problem with your approach to past wrongs, and wrong-doers, is that often you give people a little too much leeway, and a chance to re-wrong you. This month, particularly between the full moon on the 9th and the new moon on the 23rd, watch out for backstabbers who are going in for Kill Number Two. I don't trust them, and neither should you.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Everyone gets these weird financial ripples from time to time, where they either feel surprisingly on top of the money issue or surprisingly (and woefully) behind the curve. You've been in both of those places, and obviously it's better on your psyche if you are moneyful instead of moneyless. This month you might find that you're moneyful for a short while, and moneyless for what feels like forever. The good news: there's a planetary accountant who likes you and September will bring a real relief to some particularly unexpected money issue you've had. The bad news is that apparently the good planetary accountant is on vacay in August.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
No matter how many vacations you take, or adventures you have, there's always a desire in you to see more, do more, know more. Know-It-All-Ism is a real Gemini trait, but because you're so likable nobody really minds letting you pontificate and excitedly explain things. The problem comes when you get bored, and need new inspiration, and you're stuck without a vacation to plan or anyplace at all to roam. In these times, like, say... August, you have to get creative with your escapism and take a new look at your home, your own city, the people around you who might Know It All about something you'd find totally fascinating. Then of course you can pick their brain for info, and you'll Know It All. As it should be.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ya'll, what the HELL has happened to the romance sector of our astrological lives? Is someone up there just MAD at us? Have we offended the Gods, bringing about a kind of planetary hokey-pokey where every single romantic possibility is one foot in, one foot out, try to shake it off but don't fall down! Because then you will cry! And if you get us crying this month, we're likely to never stop. It's been romance-free over here in Chez Spinster, I don't know how ya'll are making out. (hah. making out.) But this entire situation caused me to do some long-range astrological planning for us crabs. As it turns out, when the cold weather returns and the nesting urge is strongest, things will make a slight turnaround in the Love House. There's going to be some kind of odd late-November love vive around the last new moon and if this falls through, I am going to sue the Astrology. And then I will cry.



LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Happy birthday! Leo and Virgo are two of my favorite signs, aside from my obvious soft spot for all things Cancerian. Leo is so unlike Cancer in so many ways: feisty, fast-moving, always on to a new exciting thing, and good-naturedly lazy when you're comfortable (actually, we have that in common, too, except that Cancers begin to worry incessantly when they feel their lazybones, whereas Leo just stretches out and relaxes. We could maybe learn a thing or two from each other.) This August is a good time to focus on the lazybones and relaxing, it's been an exhausting few weeks (have you had a lot of unexpected commitments come up? too many missed connections to count them all?) Everyone needs an emotional nap from time to time, and your time is right now.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Hello Virgo! Happy birthday and birthday-to-be from me, a Cancer who always seems to get your chart wrong. I can't help it. Ya'll are so mysterious to me, you're particular without being really finicky, you're organized but sometimes no one can tell that but you, and you have a real system for evaluating the world whereas I proceed emotionally on every issue. I like the way you Virgo folks do things, it's just a real hard pattern for me to understand. Perhaps that's what's the new moon right on the 23rd is all about, letting folks inside, letting us crazy non-Virgo types have a little insight on why you are the way you are. Don't be afraid to confide a little this month, to let down the Virgo walls a tiny bit, let someone get to know you, the inside-you. It's a good (if somewhat scary) way to start a new birthday-year, wouldn't you agree?

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Dear Libra, Do not go careening down winding roads in a fast car while under the influence of alcohol and then get arrested and say nasty things to the police because it may end up ruining the great image people had of you from your "Mad Max" and "Patriot" days. Whoops, sorry, that was my Hollywood Big Shot forecast. I got it confused with Libra because ya'll are thinking about going a little buckwild crazy right now, and not always looking ahead to the consequences. It's OK, though, because after the full moon next week your impulse to pack your bags and head off to ANYWHERE BUT HERE will subside, and you probably won't have to issue an apology that's printed in Variety or the Times. Luckily. Too bad Hollywood Big Shot couldn't have heard this advice about a week ago, eh?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
All work and no play makes Scorpio so irritated and tired and annoyed that at any minute ya'll are about to fling off and snatch someone baldheaded. I know that the work you're doing is VERY good, and this whole period from about March onward has been exhausting, and kind of rewarding but still, you're tired, and why can't you just get some peace and quiet already! but you just have to endure a few more weeks of nose-to-grindstone and then you can take a much needed rest. If it's any consolation, this entire Jupiter-infused period of your life has been really excellent for your future financial picture. Does that help? A little?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
My best friend from college is a Sag, and she always told me that this last part of summer seemed a bit sad and nostalgic. I can see that whole swirl of memories-of-summers-past piling up on you around the full moon next week. Next weekend and the ten days after that in particular are going to be kind of maudlin and "remember when...?" I'm warning ya'll right now, because although you aren't the sad sack romantics that Cancers are, or the prone-to-wistful Pisces, ya'll still have a tendency to get soft about the past at unexpected moments, and it creeps up on you and makes you feel dissatisfied with your present life, or sends you into a tailspin wondering WHY ON EARTH AM I THINKING OF THIS STUFF RIGHT NOW? So I felt it my duty to warn you, so you can see it's just normal, and not an indicator that your present-day life is off-track. It's just nostalgia, and it might make you want to call folks you haven't talked to in a while, or check in on your far-flung family. It's not an existential crisis. It's just the full moon.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If you are any kind of Capricorn at all, you have spent at least one day this week doing the following: thinking obsessively about your finances, thinking obsessively about your housing situation, thinking obsessively about your transportation situation, thinking obsessively about your love life. Or, perhaps, you have done ALL THESE THINGS and still, you have arrived at no solution at all, and you are ready to do any of the following: change your hairstyle, go on a crazy shopping spree, move to (insert city), change your career, smack someone upside the head when they look at you even a teensy bit crossways. I would say that Capricorns are maybe not to be messed with this month. Ya'll are maybe a wee bit on the tense side. HOWEVER. Might I point out (before you smack me upside the head) that August brings with it a lot of actual logistical change in your life, and planning for the future is a good thing, and you'll be more relaxed at month's end than you can even envision right now. Once the new moon on the 23rd passes, you'll be ready for September and ready for fall without all the obsessive worrying. Try not to assault too many people between now and then.

Posted by laurie at 11:38 AM | Comments (85)

July 05, 2006

July 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Hi! Happy July! Or not, you know, depending on where Uranus is. (HAH HAH! Sorry, I am nine years old, apparently.)

Summer is always my busiest time at work, so I blame the slackage on this here website squarely on my need to bring home a paycheck. It truly does interfere with my star-gazing and faux-austrologizing and drinking and carrying on. However, if someone would PLEASE invent a car that runs on cat poop, I know I could be the richest woman in America with the finest renewable energy source ever. Or invent something that runs on cat hair. Cause my Uranus is covered in it.

Happy horoscopes!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
I had something else here, but realized I had recently used a Tom Jones metaphor in another horoscope not very long ago and that's so sad, ya'll, I'm THAT IN LOVE with Tom Jones. Never fear! Your chart is still as Aquarius as ever, with the same general concept for all of July (oh, but I love saying "pelvic thrust" ... it's so unfair that I can't talk about Tom Jones in staff meetings!) Anyway. Your July is hot, an "I live in the valley" sort of hot, because you have self-confidence sitting squarely in the House of Hoochie this month. (So you see why I immediately thought of "sex-bomb" ... right?) Let your fans adore you, but don't be surprised if you're somewhat worn out by all the attention near month's end. It's fine... everyone has to return to the green green grass of home and lay their head down... SORRY. I'll stop now. Tom Jones. mmmmm.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
A few years ago, McNeil Consumer Healthcare released a "GUT list" -- a roster of the top ten cities where folks were suffering from tummy problems. Los Angeles took the number one spot, which proved my completely fact-less theory that Hollywood causes nausea when taken too seriously. For example, movies that twist our sweet tooth with romance and send us into a sugar coma with sappy completely unrealistic plots are not to be ingested when it's hot and sunny summer (a notoriously bad time to make a lasting love connection, anyway). Fantasies are lovely, but they're simply empty calories and as long as you're trying to make the movie in your head be real, you'll never truly inhabit your life. You're not meant to be a plot point in someone else's story. (I have to remind myself of that same thing, too, all the time. We're all kindred and stuff that way. Must be a water sign thing.)

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The election drama our country went through in 2000 has changed the world. Now, everyone gets a recount! Mexico, our friendly neighbor to the south, is recounting the votes of their presidential election as we speak. This has shown the world two things: One, never stop counting until you're declared the winner. And two, bring along enough provisions to sustain you through weeks of indecision. This little lesson in mathematics and snack preparedness will serve all Aries children well in the long summer months. If your options appear to be dwindling, do some creative counting (or find some misplaced absentee options to see you through.) When you can't seem to make any decision at all, use stalling tactics to buy yourself some time. Snack wisely. Be willing to wait it out. Some might argue that there's a third lesson to be learned by all this political snafu-ing, but I'm still awaiting their prepared arguments before the supreme astrological court.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Earlier this month an astronomer in Australia announced that Asteroid 2004 XP14 may or may not hit earth in another century. Apparently, even monstrous chunks of ice and rock can float around for eons without bumping into anything, completely unnoticed, until the fateful day when somebody with time and patience looks into exactly the right spot. (If you didn't get the message in that moralistic, heavy-handed last sentence then you are denser than a chunk of space matter.) This is not the time to avoid exploration, Taurus. Take your eyes off the floor and look up, scrutinize, peer closely at your circle of orbit. You will encounter and collide with a substantial force in your personal life, a positive encounter for you both, but you have to be looking to see it.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
As seen on TV! Get rich quick! Not available in stores! Hurry, supplies are limited! Stop unsightly razor burn, solve all your problems and never sweat again -- all in four easy payments! Oh, we should be so lucky. Why can't all our panaceas come in four easy payments? Personally, I'd put a down-payment on a case of Lonely Buster or the Patented Creep Clapper (when someone annoys you just clap on, clap off!) But alas, there is no infomercial to address the needs of a Gemini this month. Nothing you can purchase will make your mailaise less real. That slightly out-of-touch feeling may be accompanied by pangs of loneliness, uncontrolled channel surfing and visible panty lines. Be advised --don't waste your money on impulse buys that will leave you feeling emptier. Instead, take pictures this month, recording forever all the things you already have that make you happy (like your friends, and your adventures and projects and travel, because even though we know you can't buy happiness, no one says you can't encounter it along the way, right?) Also! Just FYI... there is no free gift with this horrorscope. But I do accept everything in four easy payments.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Have you ever tried to figure out someone's password so you could snoop in their email for proof of a romantic tryst or other indescretion? No. Of course you haven't. Because that would be wrong, wouldn't it? HAH HAH. I know you so well because I am Cancer Personified, remember? Your sleuthing skills are second to none, and I'm sure that while you have never actually sat at your beloved's computer and snooped his files (or backpack, glove compartment, desk drawer, etc.) you'd still like some small comfort that you are not the crazy one, we all have these impulses. It's so hard for us little Cancers, we need to know the truth, we want to know, but we're never sure people are telling us the absolute, honest truthy truth, and pragmatic as we are we just need some ... proof. Keep your impulses in check during July and choose to trust, choose to stay out of the factfinding business. You'll just find items you don't want to see, and then have to explain how you found them. Better to keep the object of your interest busy with happy-trusting you than with wannabe-stalker you.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
The planets have aligned for you in such a way that July will be an excellent personal shopping month, should you choose to exercise that credit card. Your talent for bargain-hunting has been heightened by a lovely full moon mid-month, ripe for half-off sales and hidden handbag gems. Or power tools, because for some reason there may be power tools in your month. I do not know! Either way, you will have the strength to fend off buyer's remorse, the fortuitous happy moment of avoiding a poor impulse buy, and the good luck to shop without fear because somehow you have money in your moon. Take advantage of it, but for God's sake -- avoid pleather! Your planets do not look good seated on pleather, especially Uranus (sorry! could not resist!)

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
"Yeast" is just one of those words I hate to hear. It's right up there with "bloated" "crampy" "purge" and "raw umber." We all have words we avoid ... of course, your words seem to be "no" "too busy" "all booked up" and "some other time, thanks!" Do you really want to spend another summer frazzled, fried and all-around crampy? Of course not. Grow a backbone and start using that word NO. It isn't a dirty word, it is in fact the nicest music to your ears ... it will take some practice, however. Try reciting these phrases until you're numb with joy, "No I'm completely busy but some other time." "No, but thanks for asking!" and my personal favorite -- "No, I have plans but be sure to let me know how it turned out for you!"


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I need to talk to you about the male mid-life crisis. It starts around age 37 and lasts well into age 43 or 44, and is characterized by the following: constant pondering of bellybutton, dismal moments spent wondering if the past 20 years of his life have been a total waste, wondering if hot young yoga chicks will date him, inability to be an adult, and just the general ridiculousness of his death-grip on extended adolescence. Add x-box or addiction to online porn and shake well. Voila! Male mid-life crisis! So, why am I telling this to Libra in July? Because you are currently wondering if the past number of years was a waste, and you're questioning yourself when you know deep down inside that the only way to be the full-grown best you possible is by facing up to the past, not staring at it in a doubting funk. Those things happened to make you into the well-rounded grown up you are today (even when you doubt yourself.) And for the record, the answer is no: hot yoga chicks don't like 40 year old men who play x-box and can't grow up. I'm just saying is all.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
It's Independence Day, and Happy July! Break out the party mix of nuts. Usually our hero Scorpio is forced to work with the peanuts and cashews and occasional chesnut during the summer months of socializing and carrying on. Buck up, little camper. Family, neighbors, friends and co-workers get lazy and slack off this time of year and you'll have room to breathe for the next few weeks, but try not to slack off completely. Late Scorpio summer is deceptively busy with some project on your list, starting around the new moon on the 25th, but until then you should make appointments with yourself for some quiet time alone in a room with your sloth of choice. Nuts optional.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Like bad chick lit (or the even worse and so much more appealing gossip magazines), your month is a mix of rock meets hard place meets in sordid, chatty episodes. Your family or close circle of friends is about to have a major alteration in the batting lineup. I see some kind of off-center power play happening around you, and I highly recommend that you remain "unavailable for comment." This is one of those sticky situations you won't be able to pry yourself out of once you get involved, so if you want to save yourself trauma and years of therapy bills, stay out of it. Not sure how to politely decline being sucked into World War Three? A simple "I like you both and this isn't something I can solve, so I need to stay out of it ..." will suffice. Curb the urge to speak your mind on this one (a surprise case of laryngitis wouldn't hurt.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Have you ever seen the magazine horoscopes that list your "best" and "worst" days of the upcoming month? On the "best" days you'll be sure to find true love, win the lottery and get a great haircut. On "worst" days, you should stay in bed while your true love sleeps with your best friend, your boss threatens to fire you and you get a zit the size of Mt. Everest. I think these color-by-number predictions are ridiculous. Usually. But I have to warn you to be prepared for unsightly happiness for one shimmering July day near the new moon. Due to time zone changes and the international date line dilemma, I am unable to predict the exact date. Things are going to line up in Capricornland and you'll get one of those mysterious days when everything just clicks. However, two days later you will get a zit. Small price to pay for perfection. Agreed?

Posted by laurie at 12:01 PM | Comments (57)

June 01, 2006

June 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Ok ya'll. I know I wishful-horoscoped May (especially for Cancers) and I'll tell you what happened in May. BIG PILES OF CRAP. So, I have decided -- nay, I have DETERMINED, through introspection and also wine -- that June of 2006 will hereby by a glorious month full of happiness and tomfoolery and so on. And just as I set my mind to this, I discovered that this here very website was mentioned in an article on blogging, featured in the Wall Street Journal's "Personal Journal" section. On the one hand, I had to snake this section off my boss's desk out of his morning copy of the WSJ on the off chance he may take up an interest in so-called knitting blogs. On the other hand, Wall Street Journal! Maybe we can get Mars out of our Uranus after all.

Also. Here is the thing. June and July are Cancer birthday months (and Gemini, hi! yes, I know!) but I'm a Cancer and ya'll know how I can be. So. Around birthday time crabs become … melancholy? dour? moaning piles of self-loathing and pity? woe is me nobody loves me here let me eat this whole pie? I'm addressing that this month in the crab forecast. Just so you know, we're now the largest street gang in America. Hi!

Oh! I kind of went buckwild crazy with cliches this month in all the prognostications. Whoops.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
There’s no business like show business! Ya'll may think this cliché could never apply to you, but haven’t you heard the old saying “Never say never”? Your performance anxiety will vanish in June, and you’ll be the life of the party if you choose to be. That’s the catch, the old “break a leg” superstition: you will have to put yourself on display instead of sinking into the globby little pit of your inner life. Rich and exciting as that mental habitat of yours is, the only way others can appreciate it is through your risk. So -- in June, risk failure. Risk rejection. I have not seen a finer forecast in a long while, because the risks will pay off. Even if you find it uncomfortable to share your views with others, the stars say you’ll look good doing it.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
By fits and starts. This should aptly sum up not only June but all of the past spring, too. Two steps forward and one step back. That little snag you hit sometime in March sent you into a rather unwelcome Sisyphus-at-the-bottom-of-the-mountain phase (hah! the first time I typed that, you were syphillis at the bottom of the mountain. Which is like the WORST spring I can imagine. Except maybe Herpes at the bottom of the mountain. Or adult-onset acne. Boy I am such a good astrologer right now, aren't I? Should we discuss movies? Whether or not I should get bangs? Ok. Moving on!) Where were we, syphillus? (Ha!! never gets dull!!!) Ok. Every time you rolled the rock up to the pinnacle and felt you’d made progress, you looked back and saw the boulder on it’s slow slide down the hill again (towards Hercules/Herpes!!) Don’t despair, as long as you put one foot in front of the other you’ll soon find yourself actually making real progress mid-month, which is when this whole cycle of getting nowhere fast will end as unexpectedly as it began. Sorry about all the parentheticals. Mars in Uranus!

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
“Money, money changes everything...” But you already know that by now, don’t you? Anxiety over money, or the lack thereof, makes Aries cranky. Right now, I’m sure you’d gladly volunteer to evaluate the old cliché about money being the root of all evil, in hopes that someone would give you a big pile of dinero and let you exercise your shopping muscles. It would be like a scientific experiment, really, in which you set out to prove that money CAN IN FACT BUY HAPPINESS. I think you could start with a gold tooth, maybe some bling on your Honda Accord, a big-screen TV in the bathroom. You could go on MTV's Cribs (do they still have that show? Or is this just another way I am showing my tragically unhip self to the world?) and show us your collection of gold-plated basketballs or something. However! I advise you to back away slowly from the fantasy, and steer clear of propositions that aim to line your pocket at the expense of your soul. For you, I offer up a new Purl cliché: What good is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow if it’s all covered in poop? Even if that poop is being dispensed as you watch a giant high-def flatscreen in your poop domicile?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Forewarned is forearmed. (Fore-armed! Four armed?) Or, better yet, in the great words of Lil’ Kim, “I’m one step ahead of all y’all haters.” June heightens the uncanny radar of the Taurus intuition. While most of your acquaintances will be stuck with the cliches of such fine rapper prognosticators as Vanilla Ice and the Lite Funky Ones, you’ll have insight and spooky psychic tremors in 2Pac proportions. (I'm listening to Power 106 right now as I write this. Sorry, it's harshing my astrological shui.) This is the month to make that little inner voice your closest confidante. Listen to your fears, because they hold a kernel of truth. Use your power of observation to stay focused, and you’ll find that recognition you both deserve and need. Of course if your little inner voice sounds like it’s coming from Elvis, seek help immediately. Otherwise, trust your gut and you won’t misstep once all month. If 2pac speaks to you, tell him I said hello and to please stop being so damn prolific from the grave. It's freaky. Makes me feel all lazy and stuff, seeing as I am alive and have no best-selling anything to my name. Yet. TAKE THAT 2PAC!!!!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
This month you are naked as a jaybird. Also, that is a metaphor. Unless you live in the Valley like moi and need to be buck nekkid to survive the infernal heat, hi! Almost a hundred degrees today! Your naked Gemini-truth is spread out for the world to see right now. You just survived a spring of pure indecision and uncertainty, and this summer -- June in particular -- is the time to declare yourself once and for all. That’s not to say you can’t change your mind next month, of course. What is a Gemini without constant change? But flux and indecision are two very different things -- you’ve finally reached some conclusions, and it’s time to become the person you hope to be someday. Your nagging doubt (“Am I doing the right thing?”) will never go away, it’s a fact of life. Take it from me, Cautionary Tale Girl. But I trust that you’ve reached this point through some serious soul-searching, and you -- of all people -- should know you’re right. And when you do decide to change your mind, you’ll do it emphatically. But that won’t happen until September, so forget I mentioned it.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
This month, you may have the feeling that you need to ask others what’s been going on in your own personal life since they’re all up in your bidness. (See me with the cool slang? That is how I roll, people. Don't hate.) Cancer folks have a knack for appearing too soft for this world, but people are always surprised (and maybe you are, too) to find that when the going gets tough, crabs get tougher. Do not mess with us, world! We will bust a claw up in yo nether regions!! I’ve always thought that the last (wo)man standing will probably be a Cancer. When it comes to clichés, we are truly born with the knowledge that success is its own greatest revenge. Learn it, live it, love it ... for this June is our month! Listen, I have a PLAN here, OK? The stars have been fucking with us for MONTHS, and I for one am sick of it. So tell me what you think: There are a WHOLE LOT OF CANCERS in this world. We're very stubborn. We can be the most tenacious and committed people you will ever meet. Right? So if we band together and put our collective weight behind this whole DO NOT MESS WITH CANCERS thing, surely June can end up being the month of me, and you, too? We'll be like ... a gang. The Cancercrips. Or something. We can have a gang sign, we can have a tattoo (or maybe just a logo? a logo would be good), we'll be rep'ing the hood down in the 12th house of KICKING ASS. What do you think? Are you in?

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
The next real holiday on the American horizon is July 4th. I never really liked July 4th as far as holidays went … it was already in the middle of summer vacation, so we didn’t get the day off school. Plus, the whole weekend was spent with minor relatives and badly charred hotdogs accompanied by mosquito bites and cool-whip topped mystery cake. But then I discovered Independence Day, an entirely different way of celebrating the 4th in which you declare your independence as a person and generally piss off those who seek to control you. It’s great fun. Take some time out in the next 34 days to think about what you’ll be declaring come stars and stripes day. Begin with swearing off cool whip when relatives are involved. Heh.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
When push comes to shove, Virgo will choose to stand still and yell “I don’t want to push or shove!” Be that as it may, you will find yourself in the midst of a June self-exploration that will rival the first climb of Mt. Everest. You are an explorer, discovering new ways of thinking and living, and all this enlightenment may put a wrench in your finely oiled machine. (Cliche alert!!) The surprise: you secretly like it. The cliched plot twist: you make contact with that wild alter-ego you’ve been denying. The outcome: you’ll actually evolve as a result. Everything that happens to you this month is part of a collective growth spurt. My advice: Write it down, you’ll need your notes to see how far you’ve come. Then maybe you can hook up with a Taurus, who will turn it into a rap tune and ya'll can finally outsell that crafty 2Pak.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I like those little clichés that help you look for silver linings. On days when you’re feeling particularly strong and confident, you should write yourself a cliché-filled note for future reference. Start with something tried and true like “Everyone has the right to be stupid but some people abuse that right.” Once you’re on a roll you may find these clichés are so well-known for a reason ... I have a close friend whose father truly believes nothing can sum up life better than a one-line platitude. And fathers are generally right about such things (my own father's truest advice, which fits all situations? "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." Indeed!) Your June (and the first half of July) can be summed up as follows: “Man bites dog.” (weird stuff happens.) “Live and let live.” (at least that weird stuff isn’t happening to me.) “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.” (I’m sorry weird stuff happened to you, but I gotta get on with my life.) Now put that in your pipe and smoke it!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I heard it through the Pissed-Off-At-Astrology Grapevine that Scorpios were really unhappy with the way most of last month went. How do I know this? Did you not hear all the Cancers also complaining that Astrology had FAILED us, and we were giving up stars altogether, and also, hand me that bottle of Cabernet right now before I smack you upside the head with this here mean and ugly stick? So, June is here, and I know you're still kind of mad about May, but you simply cannot get revenge on a whole month, so you must let it go. The problem is of course Saturn (Damn you, fat planet of hardship!) and take it from someone who just spent seven long years wandering in the desert of Saturn, it does get better. The best thing about you and June is your real willingness to try new things to revitalize your life. It's rare that ya'll don't dissect through the consequences or results of all your actions, and this month you will feel liberated and (mostly) care-free, willing to travel to a new place, meet new people, all of it with a who-knows-what-could-happen attitude. This, Scorpio, is a very positive development. Walk lightly, and leave the mean and ugly stick for someone else. Maybe the Virgos could use it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that long, uncomfortable sensation you have during a particularly engrossing movie that’s got you on the edge of your seat... not because of plot points, but because you really have to pee? Think of June as your edge-of-the-seat month. Discomfort, followed by relief, followed by some shifting from one foot to the other, followed by relaxation and so on. Perhaps that’s the “lump it” portion of the cosmos. Nothing life-altering, just the awkward stops and starts of summer's most ungainly month. There’s nothing you can do to avoid the transitional weirdness of June, but if you choose to spend more time enjoying the ride and less time bitching about the potty breaks, you’ll come out at the other end of summer with at least one great story to tell. In which case, please take your camera with you because all my Sag friends seems to find themselves in all kinds of foolishness and "this will be a great story to tell someday when I am sober and no longer have this bruise on my behind" kind of events, and I would like to see some photo documentation!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Peacemaker isn’t your favorite roll, I know you too well. It’s always easier to sit on the sidelines and watch others beat each other over the head with their proverbial big sticks. (What is it with the mean and ugly stick this month?) But right now your job, unwelcome as it may be, is to step in and be the lone voice of reason. You’re the only one firmly planted in reality right now, and by the way, this job does not pay well! Take it from a middle child! But Head Honcho Of Dispute Resolution has great benefits and growth potential. Plus, Cappies like to feel that everything has been settled and changed and happily re-charted with their expert eye, you know it's true. Luckily, you do have an expert eye when it comes to deciphering people and your heart is in the right place, so I predict that by the new moon at month's end you'll have managed to completely smooth over whatever prickly, uncomfortable issue it is that's got you in knots. Also, according to this thing called a "chart" which I am supposed to carefully read before making this wide-flung predictions, the first few weeks of June will be excellent for hanky panky, if hanky panky is present. Just so you know.

Posted by laurie at 10:57 AM | Comments (118)

May 01, 2006

May 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

It's May Day! I know that today is filled with all kinds of protest activity and so on, but today is also my mom's birthday, so ... let us all eat cake! Cake is truly one of the most underrated aspects of the American dream. Where once you had to slave over a hot stove, beating eggs into submission and... uh, other cooking stuff, now you can just go to the deli and get a giant slice of chocolate cake. It could be German chocolate, or Mexican chocolate, or Hershey Pennsylvania Chocolate... we are the equal opportunity cake country!

Astrologically speaking, this is supposed to be a really good month for us Cancer folks. It's all about Mars and Uranus, and Jupiter, and some other stuff with planets aligning and a full moon on the 13th and ya'll. I'm treating May as my personal wishing well, giving this whole month up to divine intervention and cake. I suggest that everyone enjoy some cake early in the month, when planets are more shiny and happy, and bathing suit season still seems far away. Unless you live in the Valley of course, where it was so hot yesterday you'd swear it was August, and like me you've sworn of bathing suits forever. But I digress. Happy May Day, and Birthday! And cake! (This is what happens when you prognosticate too close to lunchtime.)

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
This is the month of long-lost-someones popping back into your life just like one of those annoying whack-a-mole games at Chuck E. Cheese (which has great pizza, by the way... mmm. cheese. pepperoni.) You can count on someone from the past popping up in an unexpected form in the next two weeks, and the trip down memory lane won’t end until mid-June. In fact, it may have already begun. I’m fuzzy on the timeline but I can tell you this: it will stir up some weird inner emotional stuff. (I prescribe cake! Stat!) Interestingly enough, the weird emotional stuff won't be all bad. In fact, it may have you looking back over the past little while with new eyes, and seeing all the good, and how far you've come. You may find yourself happily realizing how much you've changed. Come to think of it, I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese in a while. Maybe we should meet there and you can give me a list of all the positives to have come into your life since you last saw your blast from the past. Or we could just have lunch. Because you know. Lunch!


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Like sands from the hourglass, so are the places of our lives. Some geographical region is calling out to you, your wanderlust is getting to you in night sweats and daydreams. I have never seen a sign more in need of a vacation. A little change of locale will make an enormous change in your perspective. Take the urge seriously and make a weekend getaway a reality. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far away to give you the little jolt you need … in fact, the oasis you’re looking far is closer to home than ya'll may expect. The month of May has the planets just-so for a perfect Pisces diversion. Pack your bags, and some snacks, I like those Cheeze-Its in little individual-sized bags, or! oh! Goldfish. mmmm. Goldfish. Perfect for a Pisces vacation. Oh yeah.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Time to save early and save often. This is a wonky time, little Aries, when once-dormant financial warts begin to grow prickly hairs. But ya'll don’t throw yourselves on the fire of monetary ruin just yet. Lean times make you even more creative and wily, you crafty little beast. By summer’s end you’ll be out of debt’s dark shadow if you use your talent for resolving dilemmas on yourself (instead of focusing all your problem-solving energy on you-know-who). Also! When warts are in your forecast it is no time to kiss frogs. Instead, use some of that pent-up energy and desire to relax over the long weekend at the end of May, I think a barbecue sounds good. Maybe a thick, juicy cheeseburger or some grilled shrimp? This lunchtime astrology thing is tough. I'll have to go with burgers.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I look at your end-of-May chart and all I see is … feet. I haven’t had a great deal of time to ponder the meaning of this clearly significant sign. Feet. It can mean so many things! Begin walking? Walk away? Tired feet? Foot traffic? Foot soldier? Go shoe shopping? Foot the bill? Foot in mouth? Footsteps? Beat feet to the food court? Follow or lead? Ah, yes, follow or lead! A question you’ve given some thought to. I believe this symbol can mean anything you choose - progress, change, or Roxy flip-flops in a Hawaiian print. But then again, I’m not standing in your shoes, and neither is anyone else. So how can anyone but you decide what is best for your own feet? You know your true direction, deep down, and you can trust your own decisions this month, and let others follow in your footsteps. Maybe those footsteps will lead to cake. I do not know.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I have had some automobile issues as of late. Large, cumbersome automobile issues. You, on the other hand, are having road issues. Well, path issues, to be more specific. Summer brings out the two parts of you that tamer seasons manage to dull: wistfulness and ants-in-your-pants-edness. You see how important it is, that I had to go and make up a word like ants-in-you-pants-edness. I love Gemeni folks, because ya'll are always just one step ahead of the rest of us, unfortunately ya'll don't handle anxiety very well. The anxiety you feel right now over your future is only going to give you a headache and something akin to perma-PMS, so lighten up on yourself just a little bit and indulge your wistfulness by planning a Memorial Holiday weekend, and use the last days of May to formulate a Plan, even if you end up scrapping it in August. Oh! Invite me to the party. I will bring... um? Cake?

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
More UFOs appear to Cancerians than to any other sign in the zodiac. Perhaps we're so damn evolved that we naturally attract intelligent life from other planets. On the other hand, maybe we're just a little oversensitive and we "see" things that aren't there. This is the dual nature of the crab. May is shaping up to be a stellar month for crabs, and boy have we needed it. I think we should spend this month actively communicating with intelligent beings. Instead of seeing aliens all around us, or trying to beam ourselves far away from the current situation (whatever it may be) (and right now personally it is my dire lack of lunch), we ought to try seeking some human contact. Whether it's in relationships (hrmph), career issues, or family and home stuff, the results could be out of this world. (Hah hah! Get it! Out of this world!) (Sorry. Low blood sugar.)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Remember those little orange baby aspirin? I used to pretend to be sick just so I could take one. And then there was the attention. Plus I got to stay home and watch General Hospital. I thought I really had a good thing going by faking it, and so do you. The problem is that we’re not in third grade anymore and while you’re faking IT, the real thing is out there passing you by. The more time you spend fooling people for attention, the more time you’ve lost having really genuine experiences. You may not think you’re faking anything, but take a closer look at a key relationship as June nears. Are you being completely honest? Are you getting all your needs met? Are you feeling the love, the attention, the cake? Whoops! Did I say cake? I meant pie. Anyway, this month is a good time to stop faking it, fooling yourself and anyone else along the way. You really are good enough just the way you are. Chew on that one. Then take two baby aspirin and call me in the morning.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept.