July 14, 2007

Astrological tidbit

I need to have some of the sad stuff get off this homepage so I will just be posting random tidbits here and there. Ya'll understand.

Today is July 14, and the new moon is in Cancer. This is a pretty big deal for all my fellow crabs out there, you only get one new moon a year in your sign.

Susan Miller of AstrologyZone writes:

Ancient astrologers always wrote that the birthday new moon has the power to materialize wishes that are near and dear. Choose the one desire that is most important to you. Set your cell phone alarm for this date - July 14 - and be sure to make an initiation in the days that follow. What you do just after that new moon appears will affect you for the full year ahead. It's that important. Incredibly, this year, the moon will be in elegant angle to Uranus, planet of unexpected developments and lucky breaks.

Who am I to argue with the elegant angle of Uranus?

And for the other eleven signs, um ... hi! Hope you get a new moon in your sign soon! And may Uranus be elegant on that day. And don't forget, you can always get your forecast at AstrologyZone or from my lovely friend Astrologer Phyllis.

Posted by laurie at 08:28 AM | Comments (85)

April 01, 2007

Special Edition: April Hor-O-Scopes!

Ya'll know I do love to write my little horoscopes and throw around some ghetto slang while working in things that seem vaguely horoscopey, such as "Put your panties on during Mercury transiting your House Of Margaritas." Yes, indeed.

And while this is a fine way to live your life, sometimes you have the good luck and planetary bingo to stumble on actual, real bonafide Astrological Greatness! This month I am so excited to share with you REAL and AWESOME Horoscopes written by Astrologer Phyllis!

PHYLLIS F. MITZ, M.A., has had a flourishing astrology practice for close to 30 years now. Her unique blend of astrology, psychology (in which she holds her master’s degree) and spiritual focus (in which she is pursuing a Doctorate Degree) gives counsel to thousands of people from all walks of life, including celebrities, politicians, and corporate executives (she would not tell me WHO EXACTLY, but I plan to get her drunk sometime in the future, see "House of Margaritas," and find out and as soon as I do I will let ya'll know) (because I am giving that way).

She wrote these April forecasts just for Crazy Ol' Aunt Readers, and I hope ya'll will give her a big happy welcome and also go visit her website, astrologerphyllis.com. There she does trend reports and all kinds of planetary goodness on a very regular basis.

With that I now present to you.... drumroll please.....

Phyllis F. Mitz, M.A’s
ASTROLOGICAL FORECASTS FOR APRIL 2007 (!!!)

Aries (March 21st-April 19th)
Despite having to deal with some annoying insecurities and/or behind-the-scenes-disruptions April can end up being a pretty great month for you. What makes it great? Movement! Between April 11th-27th Mercury ignites the good decisions, excellent communications, and fun trips that inspire your favorite feeling: The Thrill of Beginning Something New – possibly with someone new. You might be especially empowered April 16,17,and 20 as your ideas catch fire and lead to strong, expansive success. Go for it! What to do about those pesky fears or unexpected issues popping up? Treat them like you do everything else: as a challenge to become even more of a hero. But don’t be afraid to plan on good stuff happening in 2007 -you’ve (finally!) got plenty of forward motion coming!

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Taurus (April 20 –May 21st)
No – it hasn’t been your imagination – the astrological energies have been kinda tough on you ... even bringing matters of your career, home life, and heck, even your relationships to an "either this changes or I’m leaving!" showdown. Well, good news: Life will be calming down and easing up ...a little. Venus traveling through your sign will make you wonderfully magnetic, appealing and even savvier at negotiating matters to get your way through April 11th. Then she helps strengthen your favorite Taurus subjects of security and finances through the end of the month and even allures some valuable relationships into your court as well. All in all your social life will be perked up in April with some amazing dynamics with friends and generous folks who want to help you to reach your goals. Be cautious, however, during the wild energies of April 27th - April 29th, as someone might exit your life as quickly as they entered it. If they were that shaky, you didn’t want them anyway, sweet Taurus.

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Gemini (May 22nd- June21st)
Thank God you’re as savvy as you are, Gemini, and as flexible and eager to change, too! You’ll need those gifts through most of April as there’ll be shake-ups galore happening all around you – especially in your career and relationships. Many are surprising, some might be anticipated, but all are trying to lead you to capitalizing on the new ideas and alliances that are now starting to hover. Let’s put it this way: If something isn’t going to work, or if someone isn’t going to stick around, you’ll most likely realize it April 1st, 2nd, 7th, 20th, 21st, and April 27th-29th. Forget looking back, as whatever falls apart can open doors for even better prospects and relationships. That’s especially true from April 13th on as Venus transits your sign and amplifies that attractive, witty allure that you’re famous for! Capitalize on that. In fact, this whole year of 2007 is chock full of powerful, inspiring people and partners (and some mysterious strangers) who can help make your life fascinating and deliver amazing projects to your doorstep. Just don’t be so seduced by others’ power that you give them yours. Do what Geminis do best: Watch and learn from others and make it your own.

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Cancer (June 22nd – July 22nd)
Even though you’re quite a strong creature, Cancer, your recent money, health, and/or relationship issues may be wearing you a little thin. Plus, since so many of your challenges have come as a result of other people’s choices (or lack of them) you can feel left hanging - rarely a welcome position for a security-oriented crab! Not to worry – the picture is changing! New ideas are percolating, helpful people are coming to the rescue, and inspired realizations are returning that can show you what new steps to take to create more abundance and professional success. What should you do? Use your instincts and intuition to flesh out what is really important to you and what you really should let go of in order to move on. Even the abrupt shifts in plans and expectations that might pop up April 1st - 2nd, 27th – 29th can end up resulting in lucky opportunities and insights that promote your dreams even further. Travel, write that book (or letter) and take a class in something that inspires you and you’ll start to see that doors magically opening for you that you wouldn’t dream of even knocking on!

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Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd)
Wow! Having Saturn, the Personal Trainer of the zodiac, traveling through your sign has forced you to work hard this past year and to grow in ways you weren’t even sure you were capable of. Plus, the very thing that makes your world go ‘round - partnerships and love – might have been a little tough, too, if not weird and disappointing. All this could have deflated your normal sassy confidence, but there’s good news: The energies that have been challenging, delaying, and even blocking you are (finally!) moving forward! New ideas, contacts, and opportunities are beginning to materialize that show you why all that ordinary drudgery you’ve been enduring has been worth it. Positive momentum begins around April 11th with really exciting spikes of goodness hitting April 20th, 21st, 24th, 25th. Will everyone around you settle down and do what you expect them to do? No. Expect some sudden shifts with money, sex, or other people’s crises affecting you, especially April 2nd, 3rd, 27th -29th. Just use your magnificent largesse so any differences between you and they can be worked out in that win-win gain you’re famous for. That way, even if you discover you have to let someone or something go, you’ll know you have tried your best.

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Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd)
The good news is you are growing and stretching like mad this year, Virgo! The challenging news is it might be wackier, faster, and messier than your orderly self would have ever imagined or even preferred. Take the ride, keep reaching for the brass ring, and forget about getting it all perfect. (The trick is understanding everything really is perfect…just not the way you might define perfection!) You’re experiencing transits from many different angles that are prompting amazing changes in your life: On the one hand, powerful energies are pushing you to get into a bigger game (possibly at work), even if you don’t feel certain how to play, especially April 7th, 8th, 20th,21st, and 22nd. On the other hand, the relationships and structures you’ve depended on are suddenly shifting or even ending, leaving you to deal with a whole new set of circumstances and expectations, especially April 1st-3rd, and 28th-30th. Your job is to be smart enough to adjust your self image to meet these new challenges and to be creative enough to make positive use out of whatever goes on around you, which you certainly are, Virgo! Look at it this way: You’re in a personal growth marathon. You might not think you signed up for it, but you did. Prove something great to yourself.

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Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd)
People! Trips! Love! Friendship! Phone Calls! Opportunities! …and other glorious and social activities are aspected for you most of this month of April, Libra! Indeed, your ideas are bright, your communications are clear, and adoring people are all around, making good relationships ripe for the picking. So use your delightful attitude and social contacts to negotiate, make plans, travel and seal deals, especially on April 20th - 21st, and 29th -30th. Your challenge might be sorting out how much time to devote to every (new) opportunity, invitation, and offer you receive. That said, there’s still some issues in your life that even your most charming and devoted concerns can’t fix, since they’re not really your problem, (even if they affect you). Take care of your health, be super flexible about your working conditions and if anything points to a need for changes in those areas, make them. You are on an upswing. Have fun.

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Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 22nd)
No doubt about it: The past few months have been intense and dramatic for you, Scorpio. Confrontations and crises might have been rampant: some involved you and affected you, others didn’t involve you, but still affected you anyway. The good news is that, although your changes are far from over, at least most of the shoes that were going to drop have done so, leaving you with a clearer picture of what you’re dealing with. Even better, the energies gathering now are working more for your benefit. So use your characteristic of being the “Phoenix” - one who rises from the ashes into something more glorious - and carry on. Even during the dates when surprises and unexpected shifts are erupting, matters can end up promoting you, supporting your goals, or bringing people into your life who love you and who are compassionate to your wants and needs, especially April 2nd-5th and 26th-30th. Use the innovative ideas on the 20th and 22nd to further your goals, possibly financially, and use the revelations on the 26th-28th to discover who’s in your court and who isn’t. And then do what you must.

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Sagittarius (Nov. 23rd- Dec. 22nd)
Lucky you! Your expansive ruling planet, Jupiter, is transiting Sagittarius all year, promising you substantial growth, meaningful inspirations, and fascinating connections. Your challenge is to keep your passions focused on growing what’s really worthwhile to you, while avoiding going overboard in activities that won’t really benefit you. Fortunately, the astrological energies this April will help you figure all this out. Abrupt course corrections the first 11days of April and from April 26th-30th show you what or who you might have to let go of or change in order to meet with success. But between April 12th-27th there are loads of powerful, creative, and yes, lucky aspects that will fire you up, promote your creativity, tingle your love life, and help you to expand most anything else you want to express. So do what Sagittarians do best: Look upon the changes, surprises and course alterations as learning experiences that teach you something truly valuable about yourself and life. And enjoy the ride!

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Capricorn (Dec.23rd – Jan 20th)
Money, security, things you share with others, including sex, and all that correlates with those issues may have been a little tricky lately, as you may not have been able to control the circumstances involved there. Good news: While April still holds loads of surprises in your plans, agreements, and contracts, they can end up being good surprises that help promote your plans in ways you wouldn’t have imagined. You might even discover you have some behind-the-scenes allies working for you, even if their methods aren’t always what you expect or agree with, especially between April 20th-22nd. Continue to use your characteristic caution and patient checking things out and know that later in the year you’ll able to direct matters in much more solid ways. Life is riled up for a reason now, Capricorn: You’re finding out how clever and adaptable you really are and how your problem-solving skills can work matters so everyone gains, including you, from what at first might appear as a problem.

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Aquarius (Jan.21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s been a weird time for you, Aquarius: Neptune, the planet that brings a “surrender” influence to it has been playing havoc with your sense of control. Mars transiting your sign, too, through April 6th makes you sexy, but also riles up situations and relationship dynamics that call for quite a bit of finesse and negotiations. Don’t take any of the relationship or financial challenges you’ve been experiencing personally – they’re either there to strengthen your resolve or to be an agent of your change in destiny. But do expect some shifts this month that show you what will work and what won’t. The good news is innovative ideas and clever alliances jumpstart new projects and solutions that can really benefit you, especially after April 11th. You might even find yourself quite popular and magnetic! Just be sure that you get all the facts straight and have some “plan b’s” in your back pocket incase someone or something doesn’t work the way you’ve planned.

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Pisces (Feb. 19th- March 20th)
Perhaps more than anyone else, you have been experiencing both the restlessness and the wild surprises that come from having many planets in your sign, including Uranus, the planet of freedom and of sudden changes. It’s likely changes are happening in many areas of your life, some planned and ignited by you, and others unplanned and ignited by others. The great news is you’ll be unusually super-charged for the entire month of April! Mercury traveling through your sign will prompt loads of communications, activities, and decisions through April 10th. Then Mars further empowers you to take all sorts of actions and flaunt your sex appeal from April 7th through mid-May. These planets help build your confidence and magnetism, and stimulate your enthusiasm for new goals. Just watch you don’t go overboard, or count on things happening in certain ways you expect them to, especially April 1st-4th and 27th-29th when shake-ups are likely. Look upon whatever happens with this attitude: How can I use this to become even more free?

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So those are April forecasts from Astrologer Phyllis. She has a new book out right now, too, called Astrology's Secrets to Hot Romance... And Long-Lasting Relationships, Too.

And in the spirit of full disclosure ... nobody paid me to promote this or sent me free planets or threatened me with a mercury retrograde. I just happen to think Astrologer Phyllis is really quality and awfully good people and thought ya'll should meet her!

Oh! And before you make my bagel-covered sex mistake of last month (see: Rabbi Shmuley's Kosher Sex, hrmph! Not about sex in a bagel factory after all!) this is not some raunchy "Ram Meets Crab" (hah) sex book. It's a thoughtful, usable handbook on how to understand, love and yes ... sometimes tolerate members of every sign.

The Official Descrition (which has no bagel implications) says:
Astrology’s Secrets To Hot Romance … (And Long Lasting Relationships, Too!) Is incredibly fun reading and brimming with the juicy truths, insightful revelations, and good-to-know facts that reveal how you can attract, love and deeply connect with members of every sign of the zodiac. Hot Romance not only describes specific ways to make your love life flourish, it also gives you countless techniques and insider’s advice on making all of your relationships successful and satisfying from friendships to family to coworkers. It’s the must-have relationship book! 520 pages. Here it is on Amazon.com

I was really excited to get the hook-up with Astrologer Phyllis this month, it's such an honor to have a well-respected and published astrologer writing horoscopes here. It almost makes me a little embarrassed about all the times I tried to form the Cancers into a street gang, or tried to get the Pisces folks to re-enlist for random hugging, or the time I tried to convince ya'll there was a Planet Of Mr. X.

But you know next month I'll be back doing it all over again. Maybe in Haiku format as I have been threatening for months now. Yo, yo!

Ya'll, I don't know why the pictures don't show up in Microsoft internet explorer. Blame some egghead somewhere. Then go download Mozilla Firefox, that's the web browser I use. Lord help me and the technology.

Posted by laurie at 08:53 AM | Comments (63)

March 07, 2007

March 2007 Hor-O-Scopes

At Stitch 'n Bitch last week I met a really nice gal from Ireland. She's here working for JPL-NASA in Pasadena and came to SnB to meet folks. She was so nice! When she said she worked at NASA, I didn't even hesitate to be a dumbass. I just let it pop right out.

I just looked right at her with awe and wonderment and said in my finest Country Fried Tater voice, "Wow, you must be smart!"

Also, in addition to having the unfiltered things spring forth from my talking regions, notice I often say my dumbass conversation starters... as declarative sentences. Not as questions. I just go off and declare some idiocy. I declare! You must be purty smart!

ANYWAY. She was real nice about it and just laughed. Gwen laughed too, but at me not with me. Still love you Gwen ... but, uh, don't hold your breath on a nice wedding gift now.(Oh! Just kidding! You are so getting yarn! Don't tell you husband-to-be!) And then I asked the nice Irish lady whose name I wrote down but promptly lost what she does at NASA and she is an astro-biologist. Looking for life in all the wrong planets. And then I made Gwen ask her if she had anything to do with Pluto getting demoted, which she did not, and so I breathed a sigh of astrological relief as I could now be friends with her.

That is, if I find out her name again and the whole dumbass part didn't scare her.

But I still have not accepted Pluto's fate as a planetary stepchild, just as I don't want Saturn back in my House of Anything or care to ever see Jupiter sit his wide load self down in my House of Rolling Nekkid In Money ever again.

Apparently, one of them is in my House of Run-On Sentences, though. Oops.

I think next month all the horoscopes will be in Haiku, which ought to drive your little noggins insane. "What does it mean? Why does this Haiku rhyme? And have twenty-nine syllables?" And also because these horoscope things take me a while and I don't like my diary to be work. I already have work. BOY DO I. In fact, my performance review at my job was pushed back from today to next Monday. What does this mean? Does this mean they are delaying telling me that I will now have to moonlight as the company mascot, a giant walking tie? Or does it mean that I will be moved to the basement with the storage boxes and my red stapler? Or do you think they're delaying anticipation of telling me I got a prize, like perhaps... "Most Improved in 2006 for not saying 'porn' in meetings" ???

Hey, it could happen. Although it's more likely that on Monday I will be handed my giant oversized tie costume with clown feet and told to shake a tailfeather in the lunchroom.

Ah, work. I love you.

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March 2007, better late than never


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Dr. Weil recommends that every once in a while you go on a news diet and purge your life of the obsessive need to know every. single. detail. of Anna Nicole Smith's burial drama trials and babydaddy issues. Okay, maybe he didn't phrase it exactly that way, but still you get the idea. Yes, I said it... a News Diet. And a gossip diet. I can't quite put my finger on what it is in your chart that's making me spout forth with this, except it seems like there's a little ripple of dissatisfaction, a tiny undercurrent of unhappy and all the distractions around you are well-meaning enough, like the news and the chitchat, but instead of making you feel more contentment and happiness... well, it's having the opposite effect. If you've been doing something to take your mid of your deep-seated discomfort, it's not working. The upside is that in March (particularly around the equinox on the 21st) it will be easier than ever for you to pick up some new activities, meet new people, or find new ways of getting happiness into your life. But really, all that Anna Nicole news is not helping. I am just saying is all.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You know how people will take on projects, like home improvement stuff and even crafty things, and they just go at this endeavor with every free moment, spending all their time and energy happily puttering away? I call this "taking something on as an art project." We do it all the time, and Pisces is great at it! There's something magic about a Pisces and their ability to transform something into real art. So I think that this month (and all the way into the summer) you need to take YOURSELF on as an art project. Evaluate your raw materials, make a list (both a to-do list and a shopping list) and get to work excavating the treasure within. I love Pisces and I love that this is your birthday time and so I hope you consider this a little task for your new year ahead -- I say "task" because Lord knows ya'll can't think of it as a present to yourselves (I know how you are, Pisces.) You need to take some time appraising yourself, your life, your situation. Sizing yourself up as well (and often) as you do your closest companions. Think of what you'd like this art project to one day look like, then set yourself out to make your art project come to life.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
I love me a good avoidance mechanism. You and I have this in common, Aries. Now, we also have in common the fact that I married me an Aries a long time ago and ya'll know I did you wrong for many months during "my sad time" since your horoscope looked something like, "Hope you fall over from an oozing social disease. Seeya, wouldn't want to be ya." Now that I am all healed and moved on and full of happiness and also Girl Scout Cookies (damn you, office cookie bringer! damn you!) I will share a secret: I first was attracted to an Aries because of the dynamic, creative and innate fun-ness associated with ya'll. You have ideas and concepts and whole philosophies (and you know I love me a good philosophy!) and there is something so attractive about this quality that it led even me astray into thinking Aries = Action! But sometimes ya'll = Avoidance! Now would be a good time to plug back into your life, plug back into the fun, charismatic, finger-guns toting you and less of the "Let me think of a reason why I can't do that" you. Just a suggestion. And sorry for the months of bad astrology.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus folks have a chatty happiness that instantly attracts me. I know that like Cancers, ya'll have your little homebody issues sometimes but I love the way you move through life with a happy medium always perched solidly in your middle. You teeter to one end, roll to the other and yet somehow always manage to get upright in the end. Much like a Weeble! Weebles wobble but they do not fall down. That is my Taurus folks in a nutshell. You have a teensy bit of teeter in your chart, there are family obligations pulling you in all directions and some strangely misplaced expectations from your friends to look forward to, but in the end (which is to say, at the end of March through all of Mid-April) you will once again find yourself wobbling back up to the middle, where you and your Weeble-Taurus goodness will find a solid middle ground.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I have a Gemini friend who just put out an offer on a house in the Valley, just a few blocks from me! And he has a girlfriend, and his sister just had twins so he's an uncle twice over. He went through a messy and prolonged divorce right around the same time I did, and he constantly amazed me with his resiliency (read: ability to go out and date waaaay before I was ever ready.) He's moving onward and happierward with his life every day and it's so much fun to see the surprise on his face every time he says out loud something new and exciting that's going on in his life. It's like he's constantly amazed that this is his life. Gemini has the ability to do that -- focus so clearly on happy amazement and satisfaction -- as well as focus on the exact opposite, lack and despair. Twins and split personalities and all that. The ability to see the happy AND the sad is more of an asset than you might imagine, though. The secret no one wants to share in the astrology world is that Gemini isn't a split personality at all. Gemini just sees both sides of the proverbial clichéd coin better than any other sign in the zodiac. The trick is to decide which view you dwell on. It's your choice!

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
In his book called "Kosher Sex," Rabbi Shmuley writes that human beings need separation and reunion in order to sustain passionate love. "Even the slightest taste of absence will make the heart grow much stronger," he says. And he's right. Cancers would do well to remember such a wisdom in March and in life (and also, stop right this second looking at me in that tone of voice. I can read "Kosher Sex" if I want to! Granted, I thought it was a book about having sex and then eating bagels, but whatever! I learned some stuff!) We Cancers tend to want love and affection and adoration, so we often substitute closeness and proximity and ... well, it's a poor substitute. I think the trick may be that in your friendships, your relationships, even with your family you give yourself some room and space to breathe. Apply it to your job, too. If you work 60+ hours a week (ahem) ... you need time off! You need that time to avoid burnout. Stay at home moms? I am talking to you, too. All ya'll! Cancer, I know how you can be. Take the time away to be still and breathe and let a little air into your life. That way you can better enjoy the Kosher Sex...uh. I mean bagels. Or whatever.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Mercury is still doing its crazy thing until the middle of next week, or thereabouts, I always like to give Mercury a wide aisle to walk down since we've had our run-ins in the past. Anyway, I'm putting this right at the very tip-top of your forecast since I am late on the telling of forecasts this month (I do have to work for a living and by "work" I do not mean "sit around on the sofa pondering my bellybutton and eating astrological cheetos") and you don't want to step in any post-Mercury goo if you can avoid it. That means pay attention to financial and work-related stuff a little more closely, especially stuff that happens on days ending in "y." After the solar eclipse on the 18th, everything will be gravy in Leo. Or tuna in Leo? Or maybe ice cream in Leo. I don't know the correct metaphor (see: "Mercury harshes my linguistic buzz") but I do know that solar eclipses do funny things to Leos and ya'll are in for an excellent few weeks from the beginning of spring (March 21) onward. Whew, I am almost worn out from all the planetary chitchat going on in this horoscope. I need to get back to my cheetos.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Manners are for rebels. That's why I love me a Virgo. Ya'll have manners but in the STRANGEST and loveliest ways. For example, you can always count on a Virgo to have an opinion. And share it. But a Virgo opinion isn't a character assassination, it's merely fact and logic formed with interest. Ya'll manage to say things that others could never get away with because your manners are on the inside, closest to the heart, and you never desire to hurt folks or drag 'em down. Some signs could take a lesson in this department though I will try to mind my manners and not mention which ones. Interestingly enough, your candor and honesty (which is almost always spot-on) can make people think you have no soft spots of your own. But your ability to see into others with a new light is second to your ability to be wounded deeply by those who can't see you clearly at all. Try to offer forth a little patience with these characters. Not everyone will understand you because you are unique, and different from them, and it might take a while for that to shine out. It's not personal. And they'll get some manners of their own, eventually.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
We all have so much stress wrapped up in money. Libra is no different, even with all the balance and Zen and so on associated with Libra folks, money can still bring up all sorts of tricky issues. Toward the end of the month, money will loom large and in charge, and you can cower, cry in a corner eating cheetos, or decide that money is just math, not magic, and while you yourself may not feel all mathy and brilliant in the moment, they have these new-fangled things called calculators which do the adding, and in this case, subtracting. The upside is that you are better prepared right now than most to handle some weird financial blip and your Zen will return right after tax day in mid-April. That's not long to wait for Zen, now is it? You Libras and your ability to remain upright in a flood, I tell you what. Share a little of that rowboat with a Cancer girl? please?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Scorpio folks are at better at justification than anyone! Ya'll rock the self-propelled visionary bunch o' baloney. A songwriter friend of mine from back home and I were on the phone the other night and he was telling me a story, telling me he had to get out of a particular personal situation real soon. And he said, "What you never meant can become your life." Leave it to a songwriter to sum up some profound sh*t in one line. March is a good month for Scorpios to tie up some loose ends (and that is a nice way of saying "Get rid of the stuff you don't want to become your whole life.") It's real easy to fall into the comfort of a thing, the rhythm and cadence and measure of something because it's ... well, because it's there. It's available. It happens to be there at the time and you're too lazy or unmotivated to change it so you let it go on, then go on for too long. Don't allow something you never meant to become your whole life just because you're real real good at making up an excellent justification bunch o' baloney excuse.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
I wrote your forecast last this month, usually I write Cancer or Capricorn last. But Sag has an interesting chart (say that like you mean it and you, too, can be a prognosticator) for March and April. Maybe it's because my own family is coming out to visit that I get a family vibe strong over here, but ya'll will have family either in your hair, on your mind, in in your house for some or part of this time and they will teeter between driving you insane and making you insanely happy to have them. Also, after the solar eclipse on the 18th there's the big ol' spring equinox on the 21st and after this turning point, and it is a turning point not just on the axis of the planet but on the axis of your well-being, you are off and set for a REALLY REALLY good rest of the year. It will be in so many ways what you've been looking toward for all these long months, what you've been hoping for and praying to happen. It's like the calmness you really wanted and wished for your home life will truly, really, madly materialize and you'll get the small, calm center you held out hope for. I feel really excited about Sagittarius in '07. I will even share my Year of The Pig with ya'll.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
"When you change, people either change with you or they leave your life forever." I heard a friend say that recently and it immediately reminded me of a Capricorn in March. Capricorns have had a change rollercoaster going on since about this time last fall and I know it felt like everything was moving too fast and out of control for your little control enthusiast hands to grab onto. Things dipped and slowed into a holding pattern or horror for a brief period last month, and now you're back on the ride. You're maybe wondering if it WILL EVER STOP. When will you regain control? When will you be back in the driver's seat motoring the car of your life? I hate to give advice based upon such things as vernal equinoxes and planets and ache in my bones and so on, but here goes. You are already in the driver's seat! You are already firmly inside your own life. The trick is to find the parts of this rollercoaster that are fun and exciting and new and instead of saying, "Oh God. What the hell is coming next?" you say, "Hmmm. That was inneresting! Wonder what the heck is up next! I hope it comes with chocolate! and shopping!" It really is that simple. (I didn't say it was easy... just simple. Very different thing.)

Posted by laurie at 01:38 PM | Comments (84)

February 01, 2007

February2007 Horoscopes

I really wish they would have let Pluto stay a planet and would have taken stupid Mercury out of the mix, always retrograding like it's just having a party over there in the fifth house of "Make Your Life A Horror Movie." But that's okay, that's fine. I'm going to pretend Pluto is still a planet. You might want to remember that when you read my prognostications. And then later I may have some real estate to sell you, beachfront property! and we can have a sleepover where we do a séance to talk to your childhood puppy.

But in all seriousness, because that is how I am you know, very serious, February has a LOT going on for such a short month:

• Stupid Mercury, always retrograding when the rest of us want to par-tay! That is from February 13 to March 7.
• Full moon on February 2nd to taunt us.
• Groundhog Day, while not astrological in nature, still. It's a day.
• Valentine's Day. Let's just face it.
• New Moon on February 17.
• Oh, and Mardi Gras. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

And it keeps going into March, I guess since February was short there was some astrological spillover:
• Major eclipse on March 3 in Virgo. Go Virgo, Go Virgo!
• On March 7, Mercury turns direct. Then we all have wine.

Actually, the really scary part of all this is that I woke up this morning and ... it was already FEBRUARY! How the heck did it get here so fast?

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Happy Birthday! My older brother is an Aquarius and he is often just a puzzle to me. He's one of the smartest people I know, and he's also very complex, with a soft heart but no one would ever guess. Typical Aquarius! Anyway, February is a big big financial month for you, although you might not see the results until mid-March when a whole bunch of planets hang out together and hand out karma dollars. I do want to gently caution that your soft heart, well-hidden as it may be, may find itself being pulled on this month, especially between now and mid-February. Luckily for you, there's a big new moon in your sign around that time which makes all the difference between merely trudging onward and actually walking for enjoyment. You have a lot of compassion inside, and I assure you that compassion doesn't have an end. You were blessed with endless amounts of it, you'll just need to trust that you won't run out.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Well, color me surprised and hand me a cocktail. I do believe our friend Pisces here has finally had exactly E-NOUGH of the craziness, the instability, the forever limbo. I think in fact Pisces may have just gotten what we refer to in highly secretive astrological lingo as "a backbone." It has always been there, of course, you're just not real fond of using it ... not because Pisces is weak, mind you, but because more than any other sign on the wheel, Pisces folks do understand the ripple effect of every action, every word, every thought. So they do their darndest to make sure they don't screw stuff up, thereby ending the universe as we know it. But all that fear of making a misstep can be paralyzing, and you end up mired in your own indecision. Like I'm telling you something you don't know. Anyway! That's all just talking, since you are DEFINITELY no longer mired down this month. I'm quite pleased with what I see, I think you'll be right proud of your backbone by month's end. Then you can get back to your old familiar worrywart self.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
You're more focused on the day-to-day aspects of your life than ever before. For an Aries, this is like the death knell of creativity. Ya'll are so dramatic! Merely resist the urge to think you're drowning in the mundane! I like to think of the really basic pieces of our day-to-day lives as our "kitchen reality" and the beauty of kitchen reality is that you develop an appreciation for the art, the beauty of life, even if it happens in your kitchen, your copy room at work, or your cubicle. Retrograding Mercury gives you the ability to rest for a moment and see your life for the very beauty it holds in the smallest places. Enjoy it.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I'm sorry about Mercury going all notrograde on you. Stupid astrology! But the thing about Taurus (taurii?) is that when you are pushed into a corner and feel completely pressured, ya'll manage to be absolutely, hands down the BEST VERSION OF YOU EVER! Your primary issue all month will be your core fear vs. your core reality. (I make that sound so easy. But really it's kind of HUGE.) For example, if your core fear is that you are unworthy, your main challenge all month will be trusting your own instincts in the face of a million naysayers all trying to foist their unworthy solutions upon you. Simply rely upon your Taurii vibe for innate goodness, and plow through them when they are wrong. Because really? They are wrong. You are innately good, Taurus. Defend your gut!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I like to base all my fauxrriscopes on the people I am closest to from the astrological wheel. Gemini is always close to my heart because I was born right on the cusp, and I feel responsible for knowing what my neighbors are up to. This will be a trying and frustrating month for Gemini because dumb Mercury is in notrograde, making life difficult. Interestingly enough, Geminis will have a weirdly cohesive month, with strange opportunities showing up around every corner. It's ball in your court month, Gemini. Your challenge is to chase after the odd and unusual opportunities February will bring. Also, FYI. One of them may be very very goodlooking.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Oh crap. You got me again as your ASTROLOGER! Didn't you learn, last year, when I wanted us to start a gang called the Cancer Crips? All I can say about February is resist the temptation to ostrich! You may well want to bury your head in the sand, but truth is you're smarter and more pragmatic than anyone on Team Problem, so do not hide from your primary challenge this month. (It is hard for me to take my own advice, but I try.) The good news is that although we are prone to forget the past only when it suits us, truth is we are having a MUCH better year so far than we were having this time last year. If you need proof, just browse backward through your old diaries, old reciepts, old memories. And for a Cancer, that is progress! Also, on an unrelated note: Perfect flawed Cancer, forget about this Valentine’s Day horsesh*t. Just enjoy the discount pink items on the 15th, remember that love does not get one designated day, and rise above any expectations of forced romance. Hallmark holidays are not for crabs. We prefer our maudlin romanticism on unexpected Tuesdays in June or October or March, thankyouverymuch.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I wanted to put an exclamation sign after your name like Leo! Woohoo! You have made serious progress so far this year and 2007 is in the hizzey! (I don’t know what hizzey means either, but in hiphop lingo apparently it is good.) So just love and know and appreciate your greatness. February only sucks because stupid Mercury does its hiding thing, and you'll have some financial integrity issues. Let me ask you a question. Do you rely upon your own judgment, or the judgment of others? Might I suggest that you begin to voice some Leo prowess, even in finances? You have way more roar than the other guys. You may want to inform them you are in the financial "hizz-ay" now and you will be making your own monetary decisions, yo yo. (I really have to get a handle on the bad slang. Sorry!)

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Resourceful. Lovely. Ready. These are the three words popping up in your House Of Adjectives this month. I often don't "get" the Virgo chart, ya'll are so unlike Cancer and sometimes it feels like I'm staring into a book full of Greek and Latin words mixed in together. But this month I can see your adjectives, and that is a good start. Resourceful: Virgos are rockstars at making silk out of hay. You manage to take some rather unappealing junk in life and make it into really unique (and valuable) opportunities. You're more ready right now for financial success than you have maybe ever been, and you deserve every penny of it. You worked hard and didn't give up when life handed you junk during that three-month period last year. Lovely: Well, you are! Ready: Let me say it again, you are ready for the good and happy pieces. Your chart is very clear on this one, and those pieces are on their way.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Libras are some of the least confrontational folks on the entire planet. Even the few Libras who will engage in an altercation from time to time are nothing compared to a deceptively nice Cancer who has finally had ENOUGH or a raging Scorpio on like, any given Monday. Ya'll just don't let emotions build and build inside you, you're far too cerebral for that nonsense. But February has all sorts of craziness attached to it, there's stuff retrograding and there's other stuff eclipsing within mere weeks and full moons, and good grief. By mid-month you may just want to haul off and hurl at someone. I don't usually advise anyone to say what's on their mind in the heat of anger, since I am Southern and we are all about repressing our feelings. However, this month would be a really good time to try expressing your emotions ... start by just writing it down, and then feel all proud of yourself for having the self-control to get over it. Because you will, of course. You're a Libra!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I LOVE Scorpios. I don't talk about my adoration of the Scorpio very often, but the truth is my very first true love is a Scorpio and ya'll forever hold a place in my heart. Having said that, I do tend to see ya'lls little pitfalls and personality snares as mere particulars. Others, however, are not always as forgiving. There is a weird angle in your astrological chart this month, like your eleventeenth house of home and family has its panties in a bunch. Might I suggest biting your tongue with either a close friend or family member midmonth when there will be a little tension? Trust me. It would be REALLY A GOOD IDEA. Yes, you are passionate and fabulous, but also sometimes it is good to hold back a little on the passion, verbally, and let others just say what's on their minds.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
How is the year of no secrets, no darkness, no messes going? Ahem. I am merely going to give you a gentle reminder that you are absolutely better than what you think of yourself at this very moment and you need to stop worrying over all the still-incomplete To Do lists from last December. I know the first month of this year went by a little fast, but real quicklike it will be spring, then summer, then you'll be saying, Holy Crap! It's going to be my birthday! And you'll wonder where another year went. Change your scenery to change your outlook. There is no other sign in the zodiac that could benefit from a little time off more than you, Sagittarius! Consider planning a vacation (ASAP) even if it is just a one day getaway, a long drive on a beautiful road, a field trip to a place you love nearby, or a full-fledged vacay to a new city. You need change right now as much as you need food or water.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Two of my best friends are Caps and so is my Dad. These are the people closest to me in the world, and I love watching the changes in their lives as they move through their days, each so different as people yet so much alike! January was a really interesting month for Capricorns (hint: "inneresting" is the word we use to describe things that were crucial, but not always easy.) Ya'll have gotten some major enlightenment in the past few weeks, followed by periods of real frustration. It's because you hate change, and change is ALL AROUND YOU. Well, let me be more specific. You like change that you fully control, but a lot of what's happening involves your future which right now is an unwritten book and the more you try to write it down, the more changier it gets. You must MUST relax your grip a tiny bit or your head will pop off. If it makes you feel any better, Saturn (which is causing all this trouble for you) comes out of its sneaky phase in April and all these things that have been murky and scary become clear and fresh and comforting.

Posted by laurie at 10:05 AM | Comments (86)

January 02, 2007

January 2007 Hor-O-Scopes

Ya'll know I love my lists and my list-making.

Perhaps that's why horoscopes appeal to me, they're nothing more than a bunch of lists anyway. And for 2007 everyone gets a resolution! Like it or not every sign has its own little list to bear, a burden of To-Dos and To-Don'ts. I will not be detailing the full annotated version of each sign here, naturally, since I do believe it would rival War & Peace for both length and scariness. Instead, I have merely settled in on a manageable January (and Aught-Seven) To-Do or To-Don't for each sign of the zodiac.

This is very self-helpy. I tried to pick the things that most stood out in each chart (in the general spirit of New Year's Resolutions) and since we're all fixer-uppers, each of us, it's a little on the Chicken Soup For The Horoscope side. Whoops! I promise there will be more cussing in the future, just to balance the cosmos. I don't know if I will keep writing these or not (they take hours! head is hurty!) but we'll see. I'm all cliffhanger that way.

- - - - - - -

January 2007


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Long-term goals are odd things for Aquarians. On the one hand, ya'll can see forward into the possibility of the future better than a lot of signs. On the other hand, Lord ya'll are stubborn. Sure you see what COULD be possible, but stubbornly insist your path is on some other, parallel universe where nothing has been determined yet. Your 2007 To-Do: Create some peace in your day-to-day life by accepting a little routine. Routine is not synonymous with slow death, it's just where we spend a lot of time, between Big Ups and Big Downs. Learn to embrace even a little of your routine and you'll feel smoother on the inside, less like you're missing out on your big potential. To Don't: Don't miss out on your Big Potential. Aquarians occassionally need a good flogging to get them back on the straight and narrow path to personal greatness. Do you? Are you stubbornly resisting your own best life? (Told you this was self-helpy. Sorry!)

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
To Do: Actually pick sides. I mean, sure, you always have an opinion hidden deep inside you, and sometimes you'll express a preference, or a hope, but just fully coming out with a Win-Place-Show card is tougher for you than any other sign. It's because you're kind, and can see both sides (and all twenty-seven, in fact) of a situation, and you don't want to hurt anyone or misstep or say or do a wrong thing. In 2007, you must take a stand, or pick a side, or choose one way or the other in your life. To Don't: Don't get paralyzed with the ominous sound of your year. (Choosing! ARGH!) Truth is, Pisces knows more about human emotion and creative solutions for problems than just about any other sign. If anyone can get through this upcoming year of choice with their dignity and cuteness intact, it is Pisces. And probably Cancer, too, but I am biased.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
No one has ever accused an Aries of being too Pisces, too unable to take a stand or have an opinion or make up a big ol' Aries mind. No one ever confuses Aries with Cancer, always dreaming of the future or the past and never fully present. Aries can make decisions quickly, right now! In the moment! But Aries has a bit of an impulse-control issue, too, so in 2007 your To-Don't is clear: Don't live entirely based on your impulses. Use your big Aries brain and your equally big heart to balance out your decisions. Acting on impulse may be fine at the grocery store or the shoe store, but it gets harder to justify "I just wanted to!" with family and friends and work. Your To-Do for 2007 is a good one, though: Do spend more time indulging your snooty, refined, prissy self. Aries make excellent foodies, and great wine lovers, and fabulous art critics. Aries folks can enjoy the finer parts of life like nobody's business. Make it your business!



TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
My Mom is a Taurus and she's alternately thrilled about the big year ahead, terrified of what could go wrong at any moment, or in complete "I'll think about that later" mode. Typical Taurus. This 2007 To Don't will be very tough for you: Don't minimize your own fear, or anxiety, for a minute longer. Ya'll tend to get nervous (or anxious, worried or scared) and suppress it to new and unknown nether regions of the psyche, where it rears up and wakes you in the middle of the night and then you lay awake and have no way to deal with it at three a.m. It's completely okay to be a basket case inside sometimes. Myself, I embrace this wholeheartedly. It's not weak to have worries or doubts, and it doesn't make you a wimpy old failure to fear something. Your 2007 To Do is happier: Do something on a regular basis just for you, something that pleases you and makes you happy and relaxes you. Ya'll are some of the best do-ers in the zodiac, so make your own comfort a project and put yourself at the top of the list of people you need to "do" for.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Your inherent love of love itself and tackling challenges and seeing new things and EXPERIENCING (!!!) LIFE can leave you, my little Gemini, a bit on the broker-than-an-8-track side. The year 2007 has a very simple DO for you: Do seriously get serious, I mean seriously, about finances. And your Don't is a natural, too: Don't automatically assume that fiscal integrity comes with a death sentence at Riker's. You can be fiscally responsible and still have a Gemini life! All you have to do is look at it this way: You are dealing with your finances so that you can find ALL the extra money available to have EVEN more fun and vacation and new cameras and excellent wine and all those little things that make a Gemini so much damn fun to be around.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Sometimes I save Cancer for the last, either because I can't see that far ahead into my own month or because it's too personal. This time, I rushed right to Cancer first, ready to tell all crabs everywhere that finally, hello, 2007 is here! That means we get a whole new list, a whole new year, a whole 'nother chance at love and happy and all those things we secretly wish for deep down in our crabby little hearts. Your January To-Don't is simple: Every time you start beating yourself up over something you said or did in the past, or start replaying a past mistake or bad situation in your head, STOP. And your To-Do is equally simple, but very satisfying: Use this month to exercise your future-tense daydream muscles. In place of all that time you spend in your head trying to fix or re-live the past, now just actively focus on daydreaming your future. See it in your mind, down to the shoes you'll wear. Be whoever you want to be in your futures, your fantasies, your imagination. Us crabs never fully live in the present, so if you have to choose between obsessing over the past (which you can never change) or daydreaming a beautiful future... always, always pick the future. (And yes, my daydreams include what shoes I will be wearing. Indeed!)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ah, Leo, whose heart was broken in so many pieces. Luckily, 2007 is here and with it is a new chance, a new way to live, and love, and drive. Yes, drive. Ya'll need to be more careful with the driving, Lord! Your 2007 To-Do: Pick something you've always wanted to do, something you love, a place you want to visit, or a hobby you want to try, something. You are a creative and energetic wanna-be worrywart who needs new challenges, especially this year. It's up to you to find something to light your fire back up. Try a whole new variety of things, read, talk to new people, listen to different music. You need some place to go that is forward *and* outward, at the same time. Your 2007 To-Don't: Forget writing a lovesong to bring back the past happiness. You have to let go, it's over, it was meant to be over and done with. You lived it, you loved it, you're long past it. Now say it until you believe it. Then, finally, just say goodbye.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a friend who is a complete and lovely Virgo, and her 2007 is shaping up to be a changey year, full of adventure in the quiet, controlled ways Virgo loves. People forget that Virgoes do love an adventure, because ya'll are more quiet and personal about it, which is not a bad thing. Your 2007 To-Do is a part of that: Do indulge your wandering gypsy side. There is a part of every Virgo that wants to be free and go forth to learn, and see new things, and get the chance to know more than anyone else. SO GO DO IT. You have a big brain, and you often are a know-it-all because, well, you do know a lot. (Capricorns give you a run for the know-it-all money). This year you'll have a life-changing move, it's in your chart. Make it matter. Your 2007 To-Don't: Don't let your quietness (about finances, or emotions, or sex, or a problem you have with your car/job/spouse) keep you from getting help if you need it. Even if it's just reaching out to a friend, or going to a good mechanic or doctor, don't keep something quiet that could be helped by talking.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
One of the interesting things about Libra is how well they seem to play with others. Libras really get a feel for people, and they can see an almost eerily clear picture of another's personality in record time. Your To-Do this year is a side-effect of all that philosophizing and summarizing you do: Turn your crystal-clear human perception skills on YOURSELF. Spend some time figuring out your own whys and hows, what you want for the future, get a very clear picture in your head of who you are and who you want to be. By the way, this is like asking a Libra to cut off a leg. So easy! To Don't: Don't keep a list in your head of all the wrongdoing or misdeeds or he-said she-said so-and-so. It's a natural and normal part of your people skills, you see people for who they are, and sometimes you don't like a lot of it. But we're all just human, including you, which is why this year it would be a good idea to stop making lists of all the ways others are broken (or need fixing, depending on whether or not you are a glass half-full sort of Libra) and focus on your own personal list.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Last year ya'll about worked yourselves into a frenzy and you had such a busy (and stressful) year, it's hard to look back and see all good. But it wasn't all bad. You certainly accomplished a lot! The Scorpio 2007 To-Don't is a tough one, but it's doable and it will forever shape your days and weeks and years into something good: STOP THAT ONE THING YOU DO. You know what I mean. You have one key overriding personality trait that makes your life insane. Some of ya'll are jealous, some of you are angry, or grudge-holders, or mean arguers, or leavers-before-I-get-hurters. You know who you are. You have one needling issue that gets you in trouble over and over. STOP IT. And your 2007 To-Do is an extension of that mantra: Channel all your intensity (and that ONE THING YOU DO, dammit) into something healthy or fun or decadent or artsy or profitable. Scorpios have more passion than just about any folks I know. If you could spend less time trying to get out of situations you "somehow got in" and spend more time funneling your hot-headedness into your happy/fun/entertaining/work life, 2007 would be the perfect year.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
To Do: Make fact-checking a part of your 2007. It's easy for adorable little Sag to get into all sorts of scrapes and messes because you believed someone, took a thing at face value, or worse yet -- didn't do your research. So, the coming year is all about getting your facts straight, seeing things for what they are instead of what you hope they end up being. Ask questions, look for second opinions, make sure someone is who they claim to be before you walk into a (metaphorical) dark alley with them. To Don't: Really. Don't go walking down any dark alleys, either real or metaphorical, if you can at all avoid it. This year is Sag's year of light and openness and there's just no need for darkened rooms anymore, or secrets, or messes.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
I love me some Capricorns. I have all kinds of Cappy friends, and my Dad is a Capricorn, too. Your 2007 is marked by change, good change, and I keep reminding myself (so I will remind you, too) that all change -- even when it's awesome, and expected, and anticipated -- creates stress. It's just stress. You don't have to plan it away, or worry it away, or decision it away. You can actually have stress and that's it, no to-do list at all. Of course, you are a Capricorn so you would shoot me if I just left you hanging there. Your 2007 To Don't: Don't rush headfirst into a thing just because you have the deep, scary sense that life is careening along out of your immediate control and you MUST MAKE A DECISION NOW. Truth is, this will be a busy and chang-y year for Cappies, so you're going to feel crazy sometimes. Don't make decisions just to assuage your crazy self. To Do: Breathe. Roll along with it for a while, see what your options are, and when you start feeling pressured (ya'll always put more pressure on yourselves than anyone else does!) make it your absolute priority to have some quiet time to think. Your one best asset this year will be your brain, use it! Your second best asset is your heiney. Do with it what you will.

Posted by laurie at 12:49 PM | Comments (78)

October 02, 2006

October Spooky-scopes

No, I did not forget about the very important stars and moons and planets and Pluto happening in October! But it's soon to be Halloween, and no time like the present for detailing all the ways in which we, as astrological profiles, kind of bite. We're all vampires in our own ways, sucking the life right out of life and there's no excuse for it. UNLESS you want to blame it all on being born under an unlucky star, or Pluto, which I wholly 100% endorse.

Happy scary Rocktober!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Have ya'll heard about this Congressman guy who sent all kinds of salacious emails to underage boys? Mmmm. I love scandals. They're so... scandalous. I half wondered if ole Representative Foley wasn't an Aquarius, because man ya'll can be impulsive. Left alone in a room with a computer and an innernet connection, ya'll will be up to no good in about three seconds flat. Now, this isn't a comment on your goodness, deep down ya'll are good as gold and have a kindness streak a mile wide. But Lord you do some boneheaded things (no pun intended). Most of the zodiac needs a five-second rule: give yourself five seconds before you act on that impulse. Aquarians need a seventeen day rule. And even then sometimes ya'll surprise the pants off me (whoops, with the puns again!)

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
I know a cute Pisces guy who is so darn adorable you want to just hug him until he needs chiropractic help to disentangle. Problem is, he's a Pisces, so it's real real hard to get close enough to hug, and if hugging were to occur he'd break away before medical intervention were necessary. Not that ya'll aren't warm and affectionate. It's just that once you've been hurt -- and come on, by now if your old enough to be sitting upright and reading words in a sentence, you have been hurt -- you're about as excited to let someone else into your heart as you are to jump headfirst into an empty swimming pool. Unlike us Cancers who just keep volunteering for more heartache and sorrow on our World Quest For Love and Attention, you Pisces folks want the same thing but are most reluctant volunteers. Explain to me how you're going to get the Recommended Daily Allowance Of Lovin' if you're too scared to re-enlist for hugging?

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Listen, I know we've had a rough year. First, there was all the months I held back on you because my Mr. X was a big ol' Aries. Then there was the whole Jupiter issue which I may or may not have forgotten to mention because people! I do not control the planets! I know you need self-indulgence and attention, and I was all about Me, Me, Me. Fortunately for us we can't get divorced because I'm not even your Legally Wed Astrologer! I'm just the person who needlessly reminds you that you are someone who needs self-indulgence. Which is not an entirely bad quality, I have it myself, but if you could see past that little flaw of mine, you'll see that I'm trying to tell you something valuable here. Aries, you have been maligned, misunderstood, and un-indulged. Oh, haven't we all. Your acting ability is second to none, so you haven't shown how misunderstood you truly are. You've been playing a role, it had nothing at all to do with Jupiter or Planet Mr. X, and now you want to know when we'll get down to the real business of unearthing the Aries Truth. Maybe when you get down to the business of showing your true colors on a more regular basis. People only misunderstand because they don't see the real you. How can they indulge an act?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
According to Love Astrology, Taurus would be an excellent match for me. I've yet to date a Taurus (surprisingly) but I do think I would enjoy your also tenacious character, the way you secretly like to save things, your conflicted relationship with money. I do wonder if we'd be able to move around our house, though, cluttered as it would be with my memories and your stuff. Whoops! I just crossed a Taurus line, calling all that stuff you've been saving "stuff" instead of Treasured Valuable Items. I like the way you rationalize holding on to the weirdest junk, the same way I do. I'm betting that you have a little spreadsheet in your mind of the justification, purpose, and history of each thing/person/piece of paper in your collection. Oh my little Taurus, where are you? You might be the only person in the world who I could help by throwing things away. Your things, of course. Gosh... we're not getting rid of mine!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
My most favorite Gemini recently turned 62, cashed out all his stock in a Big High-Tech Company, and bought himself a brand new Corvette. HE IS SUCH A GEMINI. Hi wife, a darling Cancer, probably had a near heart attack. Geminis are always being characterized as impulsive and selfish. But I'm going to teach ya'll a great Southernism you must embrace: ya'll are just particular. It's not that you fly by the seat of your pants, always running afoul of the boring signs with your hedonism and impracticality. Ya'll are just particular, see? You have needs, and while they may not mesh with anyone else's vision of reality, ya'll just keep on down the path to crazybones because you know, you KNOW, that when you find happiness you better damn well be driving a fun car. Amen.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
If you've spent even five minutes ever reading the astrological profile of Cancer, you know what they like to say abut us. If you believe all that crap, we're just a bunch of loveable oafs who want to mother the world and we tentatively watch from the sidelines for stray cats to take in, in between violent mood swings. What they don't tell you is that we are really deep down inside just in search of one thing, pure and simple: adoration. We don't want it the way Leos do (read: obedience) or the way Taurus does (smoochy acquiescence), no, we want -- nay, demand! -- full adoration and we need it ya'll. We NEED it. Which is why we're so damn hard to get to know, really know, Lord can we keep secrets. What we love to do most is think about how sad and maudlin we're going to be around the holidays, since there's no adoration in sight and here it is October and the Halloween candy is in the aisles and we know. We know what's coming. YOU CANNOT FOOL A CANCER. I say, let's make everyone else miserable, too. Let's start telling all the Jolly Hi Ho people of other zodiacal dimensions that, oh yeah, Christmas is just X days away. It will freak them out and make you so, so pleased.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Well, Leo, in the words of your arch-nemesis Dr. Phil, let me ask the question of the month: How's THAT workin' for you? You know what I mean. You're very exact these days, very precise, very Leo (which is why the last man I dated for a while was a Leo, I did enjoy his confidence) (until he forgot he needed the audience, needed my attention, and just went out catting off as Leos are prone to do.) It's all fine and good to be the Big Cheese, but no one can eat an entire wheel of cheese. One must break it down into bite size pieces, savory tidbits, sometimes inexactly sliced and yummy. Cheese is always more palatable when mixed in with a nice salty cracker or a glass of wine, mix! Enjoy the other hors d 'oeuvres! You must relax, or the cheese metaphors will continue and you will be constipated, alone in your greatness, alone with no one to admire you, alone with no cracker to complement your cheesy goodness. And how would THAT work for you?

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Virgo is one of my favorite signs on the wheel because, like Cancer, people think they have you pigeonholed into an exact Type, they think you're stuck in this prurient rut of cleanliness and sanctity. OH IF THEY ONLY KNEW. If they only knew you the way I do! I love your icky spots best. How you can be secretly very judgmental of the oddest things. You'll forgive a lot, but with you there are absolute, hidden dealbreakers and I love the way you keep them totally unarticulated so the rest of the world is always running afoul of your little internal barometer. Don't you dare change. Or, if you do change, don't tell anyone. Best to always keep people wondering where they've gone awry.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The scales of justice thing? Total crock of youknowwhat. All that "fair and balanced" stuff applies to you as much as to the network that trademarked it. You're a thinker, that's for sure, but you also get annoyed easily and in fact I am annoying you right this very minute. Hi! Maybe now I'll talk too much, and tell you about this really boring long involved dream I had (you = not a fan) and then by the end of this paragraph you won't even bother to tell me what an idiot I am, you'll just look at me in that Libra way -- ya'll have THE most expressive expressions -- and I Will Know. You're very discerning that way. Weeding out the flotsam. Problem is, we all have our flotsam (what the hell IS flotsam, anyway? Is it green? Like that stuff sitting on top of the swamp in Bayou Lafayette?) and even you, Oh Wise Libra, have flotsam. YES YOU DO. Flotsam. Don't look at me like that! This is your horror-scope, not your fair and balancedscope!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
If only I could hold a grudge the way you do. Problem with Cancers is that while we DO hold our grudges, we're just not hard as nails on the follow through. I mean, sure, we can harbor resentment and hurt, but you Scorpios really know how to zing it to 'em. Interestingly enough, fewer Scorpios have road rage than other signs, because ya'll get your issues out in your day-to-day just fine, thankyouverymuch. It's those one or two nagging doubts you have, about the time you got so mad and just gave a big F-you to so-and-so, or said what was REALLY on your mind to you-know-who -- that keep you from being really happy with yourself. Which is good! Trust me, Guilt Cancer, on this one. The guilt of how you behaved that one time keeps you from being the total jerk you aspire to be when jerkiness is called for. I know you may not believe me, but that guilt can keep you happy. In a really roundabout and messed-up way.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The best way to get rid of a Sag is to start telling them exactly what to do. So I won't do that today, seeing as I have already alienated for sure the Libras and Aries and Aquarius folks. Hi ya'll! Don't change a thing! Except... wow, ya'll. Don't you ever WANT to plan obsessively like the Cappies and Cancers and Virgos do? I mean, you don't have to get all Excel spreadsheet on us or anything. But you could try to make a list, maybe, pros and cons of your latest greatest good idea? Actually -- wait -- I have an idea. Just embrace your inner Unplanner, and hook your wagon to one of the more neurotic signs in the zodiac family. We'll do all your planning for you. The downside is that we will nag. A lot. And tell you what to do. So, you must invest in a really good Selective Hearing Aid. Oh hell, there I go again, telling you what to do. Whoops.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
So, the very last date I went on was with a guy who is a Capricorn through and through. I thought we'd be great together, after all, my dad is a Cap and my best friend is a Cappy, and why did this not work out? Oh, I could blame myself (hey, I am a Cancer, that's what we do) (Until we start blaming you) and then I realized he was TOO Capricorn. You see, I love jokes. I adore goofyass ridiculous jokes, and I often make fun of myself, because in my Cancer mind I'm able to joke about the things that I am most okay with, like, say, calling myself a big nerd or a goobernut. As an ubercapricorn, however, my date was unnerved by my dorkiness, wondering when the spotlight would shine on him and reveal his Inner Flaws. I know ya'll say you don't mind your little quirks, but boy are ya'll sensitive to even implied future criticism. Are you sure you aren't just a bunch of Cancers in disguise? Look, the bottom line is that we are not making fun of you, and even if we are we do it because we're callous dorks who love you. Embrace the love. Embrace the dork inside.

Posted by laurie at 06:47 PM | Comments (80)

August 02, 2006

August 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Is it really August already?

Every day I look up from a pile of work and suddenly it's already 2 p.m. and WHERE IS THE SUMMER GOING? Not that I mind the passing of the hottest months of the year, of course, what with my thick Nordic-Germanic blood making me predisposed on a genetic level to sit on an iceberg swathed in furs and drinking vodka, but it's more that I need a vacation because ya'll I am tired. I visit travel websites and pray for "Cheap Flight To Anywhere." When one cannot feasibly take a vacation, one plans phantom getaways online. It's like porn, really, as secretive and guilty as I feel about it, always going online to get a quick fix (Dubai! Prague! Boston!) and then after I get my fix, I feel calm, transported, even if just for a minute.

What does this have to do with Astrology, you may ask? Nothing.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Home repair, car repair, footwear malfunctioning, even the sunglasses/handbag/new thing you just bought is askew. Fun, eh? How's it going over there, Aquarius? What's broken today in your world? I know it feels like it won't stop (oh, and by the way, for those of you who are not experiencing any technical difficulties at all, ah. yes. Well, sorry to break the news to you. August is "Stuff Breaks" month.) but it will stop, it will! even though it feels like the world has conspired against you. It hasn't ... it's just something in Uranus. Besides, whatever breaks can be replaced, and maybe you'll find something better anyway ... next month, of course, when it's likely to last longer than a day and a half.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Now would be a really good time to start some sort of art project. There's a wide variety of really artsy rivers running through the Pisces world: the obvious painting, drawing, scrapbooking, knitting, crochet, etc. But Pisces has a real artistic-crazy streak this month, that extends to designing items from scratch, cooking up gourmet creations, making cakes shaped like Monopoly games. Don't rule out the more adventurous art-crazy, either, like carving stuff with power tools or making electronic devices, or building a car from scratch. It's your month to go a little nutty in the creative realm, and you should take advantage of it before your inspiration diminishes with the end of summer.


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The good thing about you Aries folks is that you really don't hold life-long grudges. It's kind of nice to see someone forget (forgive?) past transgressions. Oh, ya'll may think I am smoking the astro-weed, but if you had any idea what real grudge-holding was you'd realize what a fine specimen of forgiveness you can be (ask a Scorpio or a Cancer, we'll tell you who wronged us back in third grade, I kid you not.) The only problem with your approach to past wrongs, and wrong-doers, is that often you give people a little too much leeway, and a chance to re-wrong you. This month, particularly between the full moon on the 9th and the new moon on the 23rd, watch out for backstabbers who are going in for Kill Number Two. I don't trust them, and neither should you.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Everyone gets these weird financial ripples from time to time, where they either feel surprisingly on top of the money issue or surprisingly (and woefully) behind the curve. You've been in both of those places, and obviously it's better on your psyche if you are moneyful instead of moneyless. This month you might find that you're moneyful for a short while, and moneyless for what feels like forever. The good news: there's a planetary accountant who likes you and September will bring a real relief to some particularly unexpected money issue you've had. The bad news is that apparently the good planetary accountant is on vacay in August.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
No matter how many vacations you take, or adventures you have, there's always a desire in you to see more, do more, know more. Know-It-All-Ism is a real Gemini trait, but because you're so likable nobody really minds letting you pontificate and excitedly explain things. The problem comes when you get bored, and need new inspiration, and you're stuck without a vacation to plan or anyplace at all to roam. In these times, like, say... August, you have to get creative with your escapism and take a new look at your home, your own city, the people around you who might Know It All about something you'd find totally fascinating. Then of course you can pick their brain for info, and you'll Know It All. As it should be.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ya'll, what the HELL has happened to the romance sector of our astrological lives? Is someone up there just MAD at us? Have we offended the Gods, bringing about a kind of planetary hokey-pokey where every single romantic possibility is one foot in, one foot out, try to shake it off but don't fall down! Because then you will cry! And if you get us crying this month, we're likely to never stop. It's been romance-free over here in Chez Spinster, I don't know how ya'll are making out. (hah. making out.) But this entire situation caused me to do some long-range astrological planning for us crabs. As it turns out, when the cold weather returns and the nesting urge is strongest, things will make a slight turnaround in the Love House. There's going to be some kind of odd late-November love vive around the last new moon and if this falls through, I am going to sue the Astrology. And then I will cry.



LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Happy birthday! Leo and Virgo are two of my favorite signs, aside from my obvious soft spot for all things Cancerian. Leo is so unlike Cancer in so many ways: feisty, fast-moving, always on to a new exciting thing, and good-naturedly lazy when you're comfortable (actually, we have that in common, too, except that Cancers begin to worry incessantly when they feel their lazybones, whereas Leo just stretches out and relaxes. We could maybe learn a thing or two from each other.) This August is a good time to focus on the lazybones and relaxing, it's been an exhausting few weeks (have you had a lot of unexpected commitments come up? too many missed connections to count them all?) Everyone needs an emotional nap from time to time, and your time is right now.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Hello Virgo! Happy birthday and birthday-to-be from me, a Cancer who always seems to get your chart wrong. I can't help it. Ya'll are so mysterious to me, you're particular without being really finicky, you're organized but sometimes no one can tell that but you, and you have a real system for evaluating the world whereas I proceed emotionally on every issue. I like the way you Virgo folks do things, it's just a real hard pattern for me to understand. Perhaps that's what's the new moon right on the 23rd is all about, letting folks inside, letting us crazy non-Virgo types have a little insight on why you are the way you are. Don't be afraid to confide a little this month, to let down the Virgo walls a tiny bit, let someone get to know you, the inside-you. It's a good (if somewhat scary) way to start a new birthday-year, wouldn't you agree?

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Dear Libra, Do not go careening down winding roads in a fast car while under the influence of alcohol and then get arrested and say nasty things to the police because it may end up ruining the great image people had of you from your "Mad Max" and "Patriot" days. Whoops, sorry, that was my Hollywood Big Shot forecast. I got it confused with Libra because ya'll are thinking about going a little buckwild crazy right now, and not always looking ahead to the consequences. It's OK, though, because after the full moon next week your impulse to pack your bags and head off to ANYWHERE BUT HERE will subside, and you probably won't have to issue an apology that's printed in Variety or the Times. Luckily. Too bad Hollywood Big Shot couldn't have heard this advice about a week ago, eh?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
All work and no play makes Scorpio so irritated and tired and annoyed that at any minute ya'll are about to fling off and snatch someone baldheaded. I know that the work you're doing is VERY good, and this whole period from about March onward has been exhausting, and kind of rewarding but still, you're tired, and why can't you just get some peace and quiet already! but you just have to endure a few more weeks of nose-to-grindstone and then you can take a much needed rest. If it's any consolation, this entire Jupiter-infused period of your life has been really excellent for your future financial picture. Does that help? A little?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
My best friend from college is a Sag, and she always told me that this last part of summer seemed a bit sad and nostalgic. I can see that whole swirl of memories-of-summers-past piling up on you around the full moon next week. Next weekend and the ten days after that in particular are going to be kind of maudlin and "remember when...?" I'm warning ya'll right now, because although you aren't the sad sack romantics that Cancers are, or the prone-to-wistful Pisces, ya'll still have a tendency to get soft about the past at unexpected moments, and it creeps up on you and makes you feel dissatisfied with your present life, or sends you into a tailspin wondering WHY ON EARTH AM I THINKING OF THIS STUFF RIGHT NOW? So I felt it my duty to warn you, so you can see it's just normal, and not an indicator that your present-day life is off-track. It's just nostalgia, and it might make you want to call folks you haven't talked to in a while, or check in on your far-flung family. It's not an existential crisis. It's just the full moon.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If you are any kind of Capricorn at all, you have spent at least one day this week doing the following: thinking obsessively about your finances, thinking obsessively about your housing situation, thinking obsessively about your transportation situation, thinking obsessively about your love life. Or, perhaps, you have done ALL THESE THINGS and still, you have arrived at no solution at all, and you are ready to do any of the following: change your hairstyle, go on a crazy shopping spree, move to (insert city), change your career, smack someone upside the head when they look at you even a teensy bit crossways. I would say that Capricorns are maybe not to be messed with this month. Ya'll are maybe a wee bit on the tense side. HOWEVER. Might I point out (before you smack me upside the head) that August brings with it a lot of actual logistical change in your life, and planning for the future is a good thing, and you'll be more relaxed at month's end than you can even envision right now. Once the new moon on the 23rd passes, you'll be ready for September and ready for fall without all the obsessive worrying. Try not to assault too many people between now and then.

Posted by laurie at 11:38 AM | Comments (85)

July 05, 2006

July 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Hi! Happy July! Or not, you know, depending on where Uranus is. (HAH HAH! Sorry, I am nine years old, apparently.)

Summer is always my busiest time at work, so I blame the slackage on this here website squarely on my need to bring home a paycheck. It truly does interfere with my star-gazing and faux-austrologizing and drinking and carrying on. However, if someone would PLEASE invent a car that runs on cat poop, I know I could be the richest woman in America with the finest renewable energy source ever. Or invent something that runs on cat hair. Cause my Uranus is covered in it.

Happy horoscopes!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
I had something else here, but realized I had recently used a Tom Jones metaphor in another horoscope not very long ago and that's so sad, ya'll, I'm THAT IN LOVE with Tom Jones. Never fear! Your chart is still as Aquarius as ever, with the same general concept for all of July (oh, but I love saying "pelvic thrust" ... it's so unfair that I can't talk about Tom Jones in staff meetings!) Anyway. Your July is hot, an "I live in the valley" sort of hot, because you have self-confidence sitting squarely in the House of Hoochie this month. (So you see why I immediately thought of "sex-bomb" ... right?) Let your fans adore you, but don't be surprised if you're somewhat worn out by all the attention near month's end. It's fine... everyone has to return to the green green grass of home and lay their head down... SORRY. I'll stop now. Tom Jones. mmmmm.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
A few years ago, McNeil Consumer Healthcare released a "GUT list" -- a roster of the top ten cities where folks were suffering from tummy problems. Los Angeles took the number one spot, which proved my completely fact-less theory that Hollywood causes nausea when taken too seriously. For example, movies that twist our sweet tooth with romance and send us into a sugar coma with sappy completely unrealistic plots are not to be ingested when it's hot and sunny summer (a notoriously bad time to make a lasting love connection, anyway). Fantasies are lovely, but they're simply empty calories and as long as you're trying to make the movie in your head be real, you'll never truly inhabit your life. You're not meant to be a plot point in someone else's story. (I have to remind myself of that same thing, too, all the time. We're all kindred and stuff that way. Must be a water sign thing.)

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The election drama our country went through in 2000 has changed the world. Now, everyone gets a recount! Mexico, our friendly neighbor to the south, is recounting the votes of their presidential election as we speak. This has shown the world two things: One, never stop counting until you're declared the winner. And two, bring along enough provisions to sustain you through weeks of indecision. This little lesson in mathematics and snack preparedness will serve all Aries children well in the long summer months. If your options appear to be dwindling, do some creative counting (or find some misplaced absentee options to see you through.) When you can't seem to make any decision at all, use stalling tactics to buy yourself some time. Snack wisely. Be willing to wait it out. Some might argue that there's a third lesson to be learned by all this political snafu-ing, but I'm still awaiting their prepared arguments before the supreme astrological court.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Earlier this month an astronomer in Australia announced that Asteroid 2004 XP14 may or may not hit earth in another century. Apparently, even monstrous chunks of ice and rock can float around for eons without bumping into anything, completely unnoticed, until the fateful day when somebody with time and patience looks into exactly the right spot. (If you didn't get the message in that moralistic, heavy-handed last sentence then you are denser than a chunk of space matter.) This is not the time to avoid exploration, Taurus. Take your eyes off the floor and look up, scrutinize, peer closely at your circle of orbit. You will encounter and collide with a substantial force in your personal life, a positive encounter for you both, but you have to be looking to see it.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
As seen on TV! Get rich quick! Not available in stores! Hurry, supplies are limited! Stop unsightly razor burn, solve all your problems and never sweat again -- all in four easy payments! Oh, we should be so lucky. Why can't all our panaceas come in four easy payments? Personally, I'd put a down-payment on a case of Lonely Buster or the Patented Creep Clapper (when someone annoys you just clap on, clap off!) But alas, there is no infomercial to address the needs of a Gemini this month. Nothing you can purchase will make your mailaise less real. That slightly out-of-touch feeling may be accompanied by pangs of loneliness, uncontrolled channel surfing and visible panty lines. Be advised --don't waste your money on impulse buys that will leave you feeling emptier. Instead, take pictures this month, recording forever all the things you already have that make you happy (like your friends, and your adventures and projects and travel, because even though we know you can't buy happiness, no one says you can't encounter it along the way, right?) Also! Just FYI... there is no free gift with this horrorscope. But I do accept everything in four easy payments.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Have you ever tried to figure out someone's password so you could snoop in their email for proof of a romantic tryst or other indescretion? No. Of course you haven't. Because that would be wrong, wouldn't it? HAH HAH. I know you so well because I am Cancer Personified, remember? Your sleuthing skills are second to none, and I'm sure that while you have never actually sat at your beloved's computer and snooped his files (or backpack, glove compartment, desk drawer, etc.) you'd still like some small comfort that you are not the crazy one, we all have these impulses. It's so hard for us little Cancers, we need to know the truth, we want to know, but we're never sure people are telling us the absolute, honest truthy truth, and pragmatic as we are we just need some ... proof. Keep your impulses in check during July and choose to trust, choose to stay out of the factfinding business. You'll just find items you don't want to see, and then have to explain how you found them. Better to keep the object of your interest busy with happy-trusting you than with wannabe-stalker you.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
The planets have aligned for you in such a way that July will be an excellent personal shopping month, should you choose to exercise that credit card. Your talent for bargain-hunting has been heightened by a lovely full moon mid-month, ripe for half-off sales and hidden handbag gems. Or power tools, because for some reason there may be power tools in your month. I do not know! Either way, you will have the strength to fend off buyer's remorse, the fortuitous happy moment of avoiding a poor impulse buy, and the good luck to shop without fear because somehow you have money in your moon. Take advantage of it, but for God's sake -- avoid pleather! Your planets do not look good seated on pleather, especially Uranus (sorry! could not resist!)

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
"Yeast" is just one of those words I hate to hear. It's right up there with "bloated" "crampy" "purge" and "raw umber." We all have words we avoid ... of course, your words seem to be "no" "too busy" "all booked up" and "some other time, thanks!" Do you really want to spend another summer frazzled, fried and all-around crampy? Of course not. Grow a backbone and start using that word NO. It isn't a dirty word, it is in fact the nicest music to your ears ... it will take some practice, however. Try reciting these phrases until you're numb with joy, "No I'm completely busy but some other time." "No, but thanks for asking!" and my personal favorite -- "No, I have plans but be sure to let me know how it turned out for you!"


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I need to talk to you about the male mid-life crisis. It starts around age 37 and lasts well into age 43 or 44, and is characterized by the following: constant pondering of bellybutton, dismal moments spent wondering if the past 20 years of his life have been a total waste, wondering if hot young yoga chicks will date him, inability to be an adult, and just the general ridiculousness of his death-grip on extended adolescence. Add x-box or addiction to online porn and shake well. Voila! Male mid-life crisis! So, why am I telling this to Libra in July? Because you are currently wondering if the past number of years was a waste, and you're questioning yourself when you know deep down inside that the only way to be the full-grown best you possible is by facing up to the past, not staring at it in a doubting funk. Those things happened to make you into the well-rounded grown up you are today (even when you doubt yourself.) And for the record, the answer is no: hot yoga chicks don't like 40 year old men who play x-box and can't grow up. I'm just saying is all.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
It's Independence Day, and Happy July! Break out the party mix of nuts. Usually our hero Scorpio is forced to work with the peanuts and cashews and occasional chesnut during the summer months of socializing and carrying on. Buck up, little camper. Family, neighbors, friends and co-workers get lazy and slack off this time of year and you'll have room to breathe for the next few weeks, but try not to slack off completely. Late Scorpio summer is deceptively busy with some project on your list, starting around the new moon on the 25th, but until then you should make appointments with yourself for some quiet time alone in a room with your sloth of choice. Nuts optional.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Like bad chick lit (or the even worse and so much more appealing gossip magazines), your month is a mix of rock meets hard place meets in sordid, chatty episodes. Your family or close circle of friends is about to have a major alteration in the batting lineup. I see some kind of off-center power play happening around you, and I highly recommend that you remain "unavailable for comment." This is one of those sticky situations you won't be able to pry yourself out of once you get involved, so if you want to save yourself trauma and years of therapy bills, stay out of it. Not sure how to politely decline being sucked into World War Three? A simple "I like you both and this isn't something I can solve, so I need to stay out of it ..." will suffice. Curb the urge to speak your mind on this one (a surprise case of laryngitis wouldn't hurt.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Have you ever seen the magazine horoscopes that list your "best" and "worst" days of the upcoming month? On the "best" days you'll be sure to find true love, win the lottery and get a great haircut. On "worst" days, you should stay in bed while your true love sleeps with your best friend, your boss threatens to fire you and you get a zit the size of Mt. Everest. I think these color-by-number predictions are ridiculous. Usually. But I have to warn you to be prepared for unsightly happiness for one shimmering July day near the new moon. Due to time zone changes and the international date line dilemma, I am unable to predict the exact date. Things are going to line up in Capricornland and you'll get one of those mysterious days when everything just clicks. However, two days later you will get a zit. Small price to pay for perfection. Agreed?

Posted by laurie at 12:01 PM | Comments (57)

June 01, 2006

June 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

Ok ya'll. I know I wishful-horoscoped May (especially for Cancers) and I'll tell you what happened in May. BIG PILES OF CRAP. So, I have decided -- nay, I have DETERMINED, through introspection and also wine -- that June of 2006 will hereby by a glorious month full of happiness and tomfoolery and so on. And just as I set my mind to this, I discovered that this here very website was mentioned in an article on blogging, featured in the Wall Street Journal's "Personal Journal" section. On the one hand, I had to snake this section off my boss's desk out of his morning copy of the WSJ on the off chance he may take up an interest in so-called knitting blogs. On the other hand, Wall Street Journal! Maybe we can get Mars out of our Uranus after all.

Also. Here is the thing. June and July are Cancer birthday months (and Gemini, hi! yes, I know!) but I'm a Cancer and ya'll know how I can be. So. Around birthday time crabs become … melancholy? dour? moaning piles of self-loathing and pity? woe is me nobody loves me here let me eat this whole pie? I'm addressing that this month in the crab forecast. Just so you know, we're now the largest street gang in America. Hi!

Oh! I kind of went buckwild crazy with cliches this month in all the prognostications. Whoops.

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
There’s no business like show business! Ya'll may think this cliché could never apply to you, but haven’t you heard the old saying “Never say never”? Your performance anxiety will vanish in June, and you’ll be the life of the party if you choose to be. That’s the catch, the old “break a leg” superstition: you will have to put yourself on display instead of sinking into the globby little pit of your inner life. Rich and exciting as that mental habitat of yours is, the only way others can appreciate it is through your risk. So -- in June, risk failure. Risk rejection. I have not seen a finer forecast in a long while, because the risks will pay off. Even if you find it uncomfortable to share your views with others, the stars say you’ll look good doing it.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
By fits and starts. This should aptly sum up not only June but all of the past spring, too. Two steps forward and one step back. That little snag you hit sometime in March sent you into a rather unwelcome Sisyphus-at-the-bottom-of-the-mountain phase (hah! the first time I typed that, you were syphillis at the bottom of the mountain. Which is like the WORST spring I can imagine. Except maybe Herpes at the bottom of the mountain. Or adult-onset acne. Boy I am such a good astrologer right now, aren't I? Should we discuss movies? Whether or not I should get bangs? Ok. Moving on!) Where were we, syphillus? (Ha!! never gets dull!!!) Ok. Every time you rolled the rock up to the pinnacle and felt you’d made progress, you looked back and saw the boulder on it’s slow slide down the hill again (towards Hercules/Herpes!!) Don’t despair, as long as you put one foot in front of the other you’ll soon find yourself actually making real progress mid-month, which is when this whole cycle of getting nowhere fast will end as unexpectedly as it began. Sorry about all the parentheticals. Mars in Uranus!

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
“Money, money changes everything...” But you already know that by now, don’t you? Anxiety over money, or the lack thereof, makes Aries cranky. Right now, I’m sure you’d gladly volunteer to evaluate the old cliché about money being the root of all evil, in hopes that someone would give you a big pile of dinero and let you exercise your shopping muscles. It would be like a scientific experiment, really, in which you set out to prove that money CAN IN FACT BUY HAPPINESS. I think you could start with a gold tooth, maybe some bling on your Honda Accord, a big-screen TV in the bathroom. You could go on MTV's Cribs (do they still have that show? Or is this just another way I am showing my tragically unhip self to the world?) and show us your collection of gold-plated basketballs or something. However! I advise you to back away slowly from the fantasy, and steer clear of propositions that aim to line your pocket at the expense of your soul. For you, I offer up a new Purl cliché: What good is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow if it’s all covered in poop? Even if that poop is being dispensed as you watch a giant high-def flatscreen in your poop domicile?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Forewarned is forearmed. (Fore-armed! Four armed?) Or, better yet, in the great words of Lil’ Kim, “I’m one step ahead of all y’all haters.” June heightens the uncanny radar of the Taurus intuition. While most of your acquaintances will be stuck with the cliches of such fine rapper prognosticators as Vanilla Ice and the Lite Funky Ones, you’ll have insight and spooky psychic tremors in 2Pac proportions. (I'm listening to Power 106 right now as I write this. Sorry, it's harshing my astrological shui.) This is the month to make that little inner voice your closest confidante. Listen to your fears, because they hold a kernel of truth. Use your power of observation to stay focused, and you’ll find that recognition you both deserve and need. Of course if your little inner voice sounds like it’s coming from Elvis, seek help immediately. Otherwise, trust your gut and you won’t misstep once all month. If 2pac speaks to you, tell him I said hello and to please stop being so damn prolific from the grave. It's freaky. Makes me feel all lazy and stuff, seeing as I am alive and have no best-selling anything to my name. Yet. TAKE THAT 2PAC!!!!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
This month you are naked as a jaybird. Also, that is a metaphor. Unless you live in the Valley like moi and need to be buck nekkid to survive the infernal heat, hi! Almost a hundred degrees today! Your naked Gemini-truth is spread out for the world to see right now. You just survived a spring of pure indecision and uncertainty, and this summer -- June in particular -- is the time to declare yourself once and for all. That’s not to say you can’t change your mind next month, of course. What is a Gemini without constant change? But flux and indecision are two very different things -- you’ve finally reached some conclusions, and it’s time to become the person you hope to be someday. Your nagging doubt (“Am I doing the right thing?”) will never go away, it’s a fact of life. Take it from me, Cautionary Tale Girl. But I trust that you’ve reached this point through some serious soul-searching, and you -- of all people -- should know you’re right. And when you do decide to change your mind, you’ll do it emphatically. But that won’t happen until September, so forget I mentioned it.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
This month, you may have the feeling that you need to ask others what’s been going on in your own personal life since they’re all up in your bidness. (See me with the cool slang? That is how I roll, people. Don't hate.) Cancer folks have a knack for appearing too soft for this world, but people are always surprised (and maybe you are, too) to find that when the going gets tough, crabs get tougher. Do not mess with us, world! We will bust a claw up in yo nether regions!! I’ve always thought that the last (wo)man standing will probably be a Cancer. When it comes to clichés, we are truly born with the knowledge that success is its own greatest revenge. Learn it, live it, love it ... for this June is our month! Listen, I have a PLAN here, OK? The stars have been fucking with us for MONTHS, and I for one am sick of it. So tell me what you think: There are a WHOLE LOT OF CANCERS in this world. We're very stubborn. We can be the most tenacious and committed people you will ever meet. Right? So if we band together and put our collective weight behind this whole DO NOT MESS WITH CANCERS thing, surely June can end up being the month of me, and you, too? We'll be like ... a gang. The Cancercrips. Or something. We can have a gang sign, we can have a tattoo (or maybe just a logo? a logo would be good), we'll be rep'ing the hood down in the 12th house of KICKING ASS. What do you think? Are you in?

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
The next real holiday on the American horizon is July 4th. I never really liked July 4th as far as holidays went … it was already in the middle of summer vacation, so we didn’t get the day off school. Plus, the whole weekend was spent with minor relatives and badly charred hotdogs accompanied by mosquito bites and cool-whip topped mystery cake. But then I discovered Independence Day, an entirely different way of celebrating the 4th in which you declare your independence as a person and generally piss off those who seek to control you. It’s great fun. Take some time out in the next 34 days to think about what you’ll be declaring come stars and stripes day. Begin with swearing off cool whip when relatives are involved. Heh.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
When push comes to shove, Virgo will choose to stand still and yell “I don’t want to push or shove!” Be that as it may, you will find yourself in the midst of a June self-exploration that will rival the first climb of Mt. Everest. You are an explorer, discovering new ways of thinking and living, and all this enlightenment may put a wrench in your finely oiled machine. (Cliche alert!!) The surprise: you secretly like it. The cliched plot twist: you make contact with that wild alter-ego you’ve been denying. The outcome: you’ll actually evolve as a result. Everything that happens to you this month is part of a collective growth spurt. My advice: Write it down, you’ll need your notes to see how far you’ve come. Then maybe you can hook up with a Taurus, who will turn it into a rap tune and ya'll can finally outsell that crafty 2Pak.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I like those little clichés that help you look for silver linings. On days when you’re feeling particularly strong and confident, you should write yourself a cliché-filled note for future reference. Start with something tried and true like “Everyone has the right to be stupid but some people abuse that right.” Once you’re on a roll you may find these clichés are so well-known for a reason ... I have a close friend whose father truly believes nothing can sum up life better than a one-line platitude. And fathers are generally right about such things (my own father's truest advice, which fits all situations? "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye." Indeed!) Your June (and the first half of July) can be summed up as follows: “Man bites dog.” (weird stuff happens.) “Live and let live.” (at least that weird stuff isn’t happening to me.) “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.” (I’m sorry weird stuff happened to you, but I gotta get on with my life.) Now put that in your pipe and smoke it!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I heard it through the Pissed-Off-At-Astrology Grapevine that Scorpios were really unhappy with the way most of last month went. How do I know this? Did you not hear all the Cancers also complaining that Astrology had FAILED us, and we were giving up stars altogether, and also, hand me that bottle of Cabernet right now before I smack you upside the head with this here mean and ugly stick? So, June is here, and I know you're still kind of mad about May, but you simply cannot get revenge on a whole month, so you must let it go. The problem is of course Saturn (Damn you, fat planet of hardship!) and take it from someone who just spent seven long years wandering in the desert of Saturn, it does get better. The best thing about you and June is your real willingness to try new things to revitalize your life. It's rare that ya'll don't dissect through the consequences or results of all your actions, and this month you will feel liberated and (mostly) care-free, willing to travel to a new place, meet new people, all of it with a who-knows-what-could-happen attitude. This, Scorpio, is a very positive development. Walk lightly, and leave the mean and ugly stick for someone else. Maybe the Virgos could use it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that long, uncomfortable sensation you have during a particularly engrossing movie that’s got you on the edge of your seat... not because of plot points, but because you really have to pee? Think of June as your edge-of-the-seat month. Discomfort, followed by relief, followed by some shifting from one foot to the other, followed by relaxation and so on. Perhaps that’s the “lump it” portion of the cosmos. Nothing life-altering, just the awkward stops and starts of summer's most ungainly month. There’s nothing you can do to avoid the transitional weirdness of June, but if you choose to spend more time enjoying the ride and less time bitching about the potty breaks, you’ll come out at the other end of summer with at least one great story to tell. In which case, please take your camera with you because all my Sag friends seems to find themselves in all kinds of foolishness and "this will be a great story to tell someday when I am sober and no longer have this bruise on my behind" kind of events, and I would like to see some photo documentation!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Peacemaker isn’t your favorite roll, I know you too well. It’s always easier to sit on the sidelines and watch others beat each other over the head with their proverbial big sticks. (What is it with the mean and ugly stick this month?) But right now your job, unwelcome as it may be, is to step in and be the lone voice of reason. You’re the only one firmly planted in reality right now, and by the way, this job does not pay well! Take it from a middle child! But Head Honcho Of Dispute Resolution has great benefits and growth potential. Plus, Cappies like to feel that everything has been settled and changed and happily re-charted with their expert eye, you know it's true. Luckily, you do have an expert eye when it comes to deciphering people and your heart is in the right place, so I predict that by the new moon at month's end you'll have managed to completely smooth over whatever prickly, uncomfortable issue it is that's got you in knots. Also, according to this thing called a "chart" which I am supposed to carefully read before making this wide-flung predictions, the first few weeks of June will be excellent for hanky panky, if hanky panky is present. Just so you know.

Posted by laurie at 10:57 AM | Comments (118)

May 01, 2006

May 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

It's May Day! I know that today is filled with all kinds of protest activity and so on, but today is also my mom's birthday, so ... let us all eat cake! Cake is truly one of the most underrated aspects of the American dream. Where once you had to slave over a hot stove, beating eggs into submission and... uh, other cooking stuff, now you can just go to the deli and get a giant slice of chocolate cake. It could be German chocolate, or Mexican chocolate, or Hershey Pennsylvania Chocolate... we are the equal opportunity cake country!

Astrologically speaking, this is supposed to be a really good month for us Cancer folks. It's all about Mars and Uranus, and Jupiter, and some other stuff with planets aligning and a full moon on the 13th and ya'll. I'm treating May as my personal wishing well, giving this whole month up to divine intervention and cake. I suggest that everyone enjoy some cake early in the month, when planets are more shiny and happy, and bathing suit season still seems far away. Unless you live in the Valley of course, where it was so hot yesterday you'd swear it was August, and like me you've sworn of bathing suits forever. But I digress. Happy May Day, and Birthday! And cake! (This is what happens when you prognosticate too close to lunchtime.)

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
This is the month of long-lost-someones popping back into your life just like one of those annoying whack-a-mole games at Chuck E. Cheese (which has great pizza, by the way... mmm. cheese. pepperoni.) You can count on someone from the past popping up in an unexpected form in the next two weeks, and the trip down memory lane won’t end until mid-June. In fact, it may have already begun. I’m fuzzy on the timeline but I can tell you this: it will stir up some weird inner emotional stuff. (I prescribe cake! Stat!) Interestingly enough, the weird emotional stuff won't be all bad. In fact, it may have you looking back over the past little while with new eyes, and seeing all the good, and how far you've come. You may find yourself happily realizing how much you've changed. Come to think of it, I haven't been to Chuck E. Cheese in a while. Maybe we should meet there and you can give me a list of all the positives to have come into your life since you last saw your blast from the past. Or we could just have lunch. Because you know. Lunch!


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Like sands from the hourglass, so are the places of our lives. Some geographical region is calling out to you, your wanderlust is getting to you in night sweats and daydreams. I have never seen a sign more in need of a vacation. A little change of locale will make an enormous change in your perspective. Take the urge seriously and make a weekend getaway a reality. It doesn’t have to be expensive or far away to give you the little jolt you need … in fact, the oasis you’re looking far is closer to home than ya'll may expect. The month of May has the planets just-so for a perfect Pisces diversion. Pack your bags, and some snacks, I like those Cheeze-Its in little individual-sized bags, or! oh! Goldfish. mmmm. Goldfish. Perfect for a Pisces vacation. Oh yeah.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Time to save early and save often. This is a wonky time, little Aries, when once-dormant financial warts begin to grow prickly hairs. But ya'll don’t throw yourselves on the fire of monetary ruin just yet. Lean times make you even more creative and wily, you crafty little beast. By summer’s end you’ll be out of debt’s dark shadow if you use your talent for resolving dilemmas on yourself (instead of focusing all your problem-solving energy on you-know-who). Also! When warts are in your forecast it is no time to kiss frogs. Instead, use some of that pent-up energy and desire to relax over the long weekend at the end of May, I think a barbecue sounds good. Maybe a thick, juicy cheeseburger or some grilled shrimp? This lunchtime astrology thing is tough. I'll have to go with burgers.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I look at your end-of-May chart and all I see is … feet. I haven’t had a great deal of time to ponder the meaning of this clearly significant sign. Feet. It can mean so many things! Begin walking? Walk away? Tired feet? Foot traffic? Foot soldier? Go shoe shopping? Foot the bill? Foot in mouth? Footsteps? Beat feet to the food court? Follow or lead? Ah, yes, follow or lead! A question you’ve given some thought to. I believe this symbol can mean anything you choose - progress, change, or Roxy flip-flops in a Hawaiian print. But then again, I’m not standing in your shoes, and neither is anyone else. So how can anyone but you decide what is best for your own feet? You know your true direction, deep down, and you can trust your own decisions this month, and let others follow in your footsteps. Maybe those footsteps will lead to cake. I do not know.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I have had some automobile issues as of late. Large, cumbersome automobile issues. You, on the other hand, are having road issues. Well, path issues, to be more specific. Summer brings out the two parts of you that tamer seasons manage to dull: wistfulness and ants-in-your-pants-edness. You see how important it is, that I had to go and make up a word like ants-in-you-pants-edness. I love Gemeni folks, because ya'll are always just one step ahead of the rest of us, unfortunately ya'll don't handle anxiety very well. The anxiety you feel right now over your future is only going to give you a headache and something akin to perma-PMS, so lighten up on yourself just a little bit and indulge your wistfulness by planning a Memorial Holiday weekend, and use the last days of May to formulate a Plan, even if you end up scrapping it in August. Oh! Invite me to the party. I will bring... um? Cake?

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
More UFOs appear to Cancerians than to any other sign in the zodiac. Perhaps we're so damn evolved that we naturally attract intelligent life from other planets. On the other hand, maybe we're just a little oversensitive and we "see" things that aren't there. This is the dual nature of the crab. May is shaping up to be a stellar month for crabs, and boy have we needed it. I think we should spend this month actively communicating with intelligent beings. Instead of seeing aliens all around us, or trying to beam ourselves far away from the current situation (whatever it may be) (and right now personally it is my dire lack of lunch), we ought to try seeking some human contact. Whether it's in relationships (hrmph), career issues, or family and home stuff, the results could be out of this world. (Hah hah! Get it! Out of this world!) (Sorry. Low blood sugar.)

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Remember those little orange baby aspirin? I used to pretend to be sick just so I could take one. And then there was the attention. Plus I got to stay home and watch General Hospital. I thought I really had a good thing going by faking it, and so do you. The problem is that we’re not in third grade anymore and while you’re faking IT, the real thing is out there passing you by. The more time you spend fooling people for attention, the more time you’ve lost having really genuine experiences. You may not think you’re faking anything, but take a closer look at a key relationship as June nears. Are you being completely honest? Are you getting all your needs met? Are you feeling the love, the attention, the cake? Whoops! Did I say cake? I meant pie. Anyway, this month is a good time to stop faking it, fooling yourself and anyone else along the way. You really are good enough just the way you are. Chew on that one. Then take two baby aspirin and call me in the morning.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Predictions are clumsy animals. I always get the exact dates slightly skewed, which led me to believe the notion that perhaps our sign is actually determined at conception, instead of birth. Don’t you often feel that your astrological prediction in the daily paper is, well, slightly askew? Not totally wrong, but not right, either. So, for the month of May, I backtracked nine months to give you a clearer prediction. But that was confusing as hell, and I simply fell into befuddlement (followed closely by some mint-choco-chip ice cream.) Then today, I was cogitating on this whole thing, and all I could think about was Mint Chocochip ice cream, of which I have none. Final analysis: it is not wise to rely on astrology to make decisions for you, especially when the magic 8-ball is so close at hand. You won't need divinity this month, because you'll have good astro-luck! May has some well-placed planets in your House Of Working For The Man, and you'll be happily surprised by some work-related stuff around the full moon mid-month. Much cause for happiness and ice cream.


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Boy am I glad I wasn't born under a sign that involves scales of any kind. Especially since as soon as I finish these damn hor-o-scopes I plan to eat my way into a lunchtime food coma. Apropos, though, that you're the sign of scales. I know you're aware that deep inside most people there is a scale of usefulness which they use to rank others. You keep your personal ranking system well hidden in the folds of your good nature, but you'd be wise to dust it off and do some serious selfish evaluating of your own. Someone will come to you bearing gifts this month -- decide what it's worth to you before accepting. Tape a $20 bill to your tummy and yell "hot property!" if necessary. Or! Feel free to join me in the food court, once I take care of the Scorps, Sags and Cappies May forecast. Sound good?


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Drink lots of water. Eat many vegetables (Cheetoes, while orange and somewhat carrot-stick-ish, do not count as one of the five essential servings.) Limit salt intake. Blah blah blah. None of this will do you a damn bit of good when you’re reckless with your personal safety. There is something going on with you and it’s compelling you to throw caution to the wind. The next 30 days are like a field of hidden landmines if you don’t start taking care and walking slow. Caution is your watchword. Wear your seatbelt. Wear a condom. Wear sunscreen. Wear panties with a cotton lining. The best advice my mom ever gave me was "Keep your panties on!" and that goes doubly well for Scorpios this month. You'll have more opportunity than usual to get into a pickle, so keep your eyes open for well-lit emergency exits. Oh. Pickles! mmmm.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Snobbery! There is snobbery in your midst, I can just sense it. Contrary to popular belief, snobbery is not some exhibit of the age-old class struggle or an external show of good taste vs. bad taste. No. Snobbery is just simple insecurity. It’s a way for someone to act superior when deep down they’re just a loathsome inner child with a bedwetting problem. So, shrug off the snot - uh, I mean snob - in your midst and use your excellent sense of humor to de-mystify the situation. Rather than try to engage in a pissing match with a bedwetter, simply remove yourself from contention by rising above the occasion. If any sign in the hiz-ouse can do it, it's you, Sag, the finest example of diplomacy and good taste. Good taste. I am so hungry I could gnaw my own arm off right now. Tasty!


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Summer is the season of freckles, sand, sun and blazing hot romantic romps. Well, that’s what Cosmo says, anyway. I read the summer edition of Cosmopolitan magazine every summer, cover to cover, and I think to myself, “Who do they write this stuff for?” But then I was drawing up your stars for May...and June... and even July (!!!) and all those “Shocking Sexy Summer Stories” are about you! You’re a regular little love machine. When you walk, are you accompanied by the faint sound of “Foxy Lady” playing in the background? Do you find folks ready to fling off their clothes at a moment's notice? No? Not yet? Well, as we get through the first week of May, and through to the full-moon at mid-month, your House Of Super Studly heats up and you are like a one-girl pheromone pit this summer. All I can say is… woohoo! And if you haven’t discovered your power already, well, now you know. Care to share? Perhaps over lunch? And cake? Because that's where I'm off to! Bon apetit!

Posted by laurie at 12:36 PM | Comments (68)

April 04, 2006

April 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

It's rainy in Los Angeles and I am a sniffly, sneezy, whiny and also possibly lazy faux-astrologer. However, in my defense I did watch seven Tivo'd episodes of Clean House and I feel I am channeling Necie Nash herself when I say April is the month to dust off, wake up to the messes, and finally cut the foolishness. (Or start the foolishness, depending on your perspecive.)

Mercury has un-retrograded (like the fancy lingo?) and Saturn is coming out of the closet and representing loud and clear for the big-bottom planets. Speaking of big, round planets... Jupiter is here, too and ya'll, I mean really. April better be nicer to the Cancerians than March was, because we are very and well tired. That goes for the Sags and Cappies, too. Buck up little planets!

[heh heh I just re-read this and it made NO SENSE. I think in the next staff meeting I will start peppering my powerpoint presentations with completely senseless astrological lingo. As in: The kiosks have shown a ten percent growth in usage, largely due to the un-retrograde of new content!]

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
A couple of years ago a friend and I worked at a company where we were both miserably unhappy. We had no idea what the buckwild crazy management could possibly want from their shackled and browbeaten employees. The requirements seemed to change from day to day, minute to minute. Eventually we entertained ourselves with devising a resume for the perfect employee at Insanity, Inc. Skills included "Will bend over backwards ... and forwards....." "Proficient in ass-kissing, ego manipulation and general sucking-up" and "Able to blurt 50 flattering words a minute!" "Can multitask: ability to both move and bury bodies." This month you have that little red Mars in your work house, and your days will be busier than they have been in months. The good news, though, is that you will not at any time be required to bury a dead body. Kissing up, however, is totally optional.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Did you know that psychologists say it takes three weeks to break a bad habit? What happens on week four, though? Do you suppose the bad habit comes back from its vacation double recharged and rarin' to go? It's a conundrum. Much like your month ahead: pressure feels most intense around financial issues, but at the same time your outlook is better and more secure than it has been in ages. Now is a good time to review some of your less-than-stellar habits and try to spend the next 21 days freeing yourself of just one. I'll be interested to see how week four goes -- you have both Venus and Jupiter on your side, rare and very good for you. Let me know in May how it all works out.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Would you like a karmic massage? Something to soothe the pain of the past few weeks and make all your tension and worries disappear? I'd like to offer you some wish fulfillment, with easy monthly payments of just $19.95! And, free with purchase, you'll get a valuable gadget capable of sweeping the knots out of your life, and out of your head -- but hurry, act now, this special offer is available for a limited time only! Which is -- of course -- the problem with quick fixes ... they look like a bargain but end up being just another piece of limited-time junk you wasted money on that now sits mocking you and collecting dust, like those Tae-Bo tapes and that tube of eye cream you can't throw away. Instead of a quick fix, heed your impulse to get physical and go for a run, a walk or anything sweat-inducing. Money back guarantee included.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
The only remaining volcano in Tanzania erupted over the weekend, spewing hot air and stinging debris at unexpected intervals. It rumbled to life and forced about 3,000 people to flee, with everyone bracing for disaster and fallout. If any of this behavior sounds familiar, it may be because your own inner geological spring is bubbling to the surface, bringing with it the locked-up emotional rumbling of the past six-months or so. Ya'll just need to blow off some steam. I say go for the big rumble and shake, and enjoy a hearty and well-deserved re-awakening.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Isn't it funny how when you first meet someone and you really, really want them to like you, you're on your best behavior? You're so sweet and nice and such a great listener. Fast forward a year, to when they love you, and watch as you take them for granted and make them feel like an old shoe. Isn't that how you've felt at work lately, the old shoe? In April you get this whole cosmic conflagration of events that will make your work situation improve dramatically, even the crankiest of the cranky will be sufferable for most of the month. Your workmates will break out the polish and shine this month, and maybe you can forgive the most horrible one for being such a heel.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
I have been working on your chart for weeks now. It was unclear to me why I was unable to see a single discernable truth, then I realized: You are me. We are the same, and my utter lack of introspection and self-evaluation is keeping your reading masked from me. And the truth is that while we seem to be caught in some deep psychic fog, we're making progress. Financially, it feels like there's a weight on us we'll never break through. At the same time, we're already making plans for how to get the money situation under control. (Not like the gloomy days of years past when we just hid from these issues, you know?) I say ya'll, we should make a pact to ignore our demons and fears for the month of April and wander blissfully through this month together (well, blissfully as we can, I mean come on -- we're Cancers). Maybe all our old fears will get bored in the waiting room of April and go haunt someone else, like the Libras for a change.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I have a very good rule of thumb when it comes to making choices. Flip a coin. Inevitably, one of the choices will make you sigh and wish (even if just a little bit) that the coin had landed differently .... and so your true feelings are right there for you to see. The choice you're going to make in the coming weeks will not be made lightly -- and your coin will appear mean and ugly on both sides. But avoiding the situation won't make it go away. Flip, flip, flip away -- until the answer becomes clear. Your chart says you do have the answer, and you just need some time to get it out. By month's end you'll be closer to resolving your stuff, and with all those coins you've been flipping you should treat yourself to giant dinner (I'm partial to steak and shrimp) to celebrate your very wise decision.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I wish I could make the world function exactly to my specifications. In my ideal world, no one would smell bad, wear too much perfume, talk in elevators, or chew with open mouths. In my Perfect Land, you'd be popular and gregarious and never feel like a pushover or get cold feet at parties. Now, I wave my magic wand, and poof! You are perfect in my eyes. Dear Virgo, all this change lately has made you even less sure-footed than ever, and you're doubting your perfection and your future. Well, until my magic wand can make it out ya'lls way, you'll have to speak up for yourself and resist the urge to stay home and worry. The bad news: the full moon mid-month will bring a little more change your way, either financially or in some kind of working relationship. The good news: the full moon mid-month will bring a little more change your way, either financially or in some kind of working relationship.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Your month is going to really suck. I mean, ya'll, seriously. Just go home right now and start eating the ice cream. Do they make wine ice cream? Oh Libra... ya'll! I'm just kidding! Truth is, this was a learning experience. See? Any old Joe can give you some wrong advice. You might want to re-consider who you're taking prophecies from these days. After all, the last psychic I visited told me I'd be doing charity work involving water... which, had I followed her advice, would put me wading upstream while begging for money for other people. Not a pretty vision, eh? This is a good time to be careful whose advice you heed. You don't want to end up the proverbial creek because of someone's off-the-cuff armchair mentoring this month, no matter how well-intentioned it may be.


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Would you be terribly surprised if a total stranger became your closest friend this month? Would you be shocked to discover wisdom in small packages? Would you be willing to believe your fortune cookie? Would you be taken aback to see your reflection in your beloved's eyes? Would you be dismayed if your astrological forecast were nothing but a list of questions? Would you be caught off guard to discover that you had the answers all along?


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You are the sexiest sign of the month. I hereby declare you positively seductive. You ooze and exude a self-confidence that is simply irresistible. Believe that you are a nice girl in a bad girl body and picture yourself driving your own clothes wild with abandon. Now, recite seven times, "I am a temple of purity and goodness." Oh yeah. Ya'll can tell I grew up in the buckle of the Bible Belt, full of crazy wanting and the constant threat of sin. But it taught me one true thing: it feels really good to rebel sometimes. It can be so good to be so bad! Rebel against the old you this month, and relish your contradictions.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
The Cast: You and your closest friends, a relative and one love interest. The Location: Your town. The Plot: You try to solve everyone's problems as a way to avoid your own issues while secretly smoldering for love and attention and alternately getting mad at how little attention you yourself are getting. The Surprise Ending: Does our heroine have the guts to make the first move? Or does she get stage fright and watch from the wings while everyone else gets to take a bow? I'm spellbound with a big tub of popcorn, waiting for the grand finale. A preview: It's a pretty darn good ending to the month, especially when Venus and Jupiter hook up and push you right to center stage, into the spotlight. Bravo!

Posted by laurie at 12:21 PM | Comments (74)

March 01, 2006

March 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

I like to blame a lot of stuff on Mercury and its retrograding self. Recently in our weekly staff meeting here at Corporate Job, Inc., I blamed the planet Mercury for breaking the projector. My boss is so used to my brand of crazy that he ignored me completely, and I suggest we all take this tactic when dealing with a retrograded March: ignore the crazy stuff. It won't kill any of us. And if it does kill us, no one can eat us anyway.

For March, Mercury goes into the astrological Bat Cave on the 2nd and doesn't re-emerge until the 25th, and it looks like Uranus is big this month too (HAR HAR) (that never gets old, folks) plus, I'm going international with my crazy and arriving in Paris with a Virgo, two Capricorns and a Gemini. It's a month with a full moon, a new moon, some Ides, a green-beer day and the first day of Spring. We'll all be somewhat manic and moody this March, but we'll find new and ever-drunken ways to cope with it. You can put that in Uranus and smoke it!

- - - - - -

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
The two-step may have been fine for Fred and Ginger, but who wants to be taking two steps forward and two steps back every time they hit the ground? Not me. And not ya'll, I'm just guessing. March is all about breaking out of the box step and break dancing instead ... or maybe a spicy mambo? A tango to work, a rumba to bed? Dare to do something buckwild crazy this spring, and release all the built-up tension of the winter months. Until the new moon at the very end of the month, the only expectations you have to live up to are your own. The most important thing I can tell you right now: Don't spend your life taking instructions on how to live from people that aren't even qualified to give you street directions. Or dance instructions.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
While we're on the dance metaphors, I noticed we had a little internal hokey-pokey in Pisces this month. Ya'll are playing mental and emotional hopscotch: One foot left, one foot right, cross your fingers and hope everything works out. But why? Why are you doing this? Sing it with me: It's your birthday! It's your birthday! Go Pisces! Go Pisces! You have to take the lead this month, both pragmatically and romantically. I can't imagine you stalking your goals zealously, but I can envision you with treats in your pocket to attract some puppy love. I don't mind if you use stealthy and secretive ways to get what you want, as long as you finally start closing in on the prize. Life is short, nights are long, take a chance. Put your right foot in and shake it all around, that's what it's all about.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Reading tea leaves may be a dying art, but I am well-versed at discerning truth and prophecy from the smudges on the top of your Diet Coke can. It was, in fact, the only way I could properly find a reading for you this month. Seems you have some planetary re-alignment, and all that other crap that astrologers talk about. What that means for real people is that you're in a shitload of flux, and you can't make heads or tails of this crazy cycle of change. I wish there was an astrological safe house where you could go to wait out your forecast, but the best I can offer you is a glimpse at the future -- the knowledge that next month the influx of change will continue, but you'll finally begin to see the right decisions you've made. And there are plenty! Until it becomes clear, though, do NOT make ironclad long-term life decisions out of sheer desire to make the flux end. I mean really.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You are such a little free thinker these days, spouting wisdom and exploring new ways of being independent. Ya'll have made your mamas proud, and really have made something of yourselves. Now if we could just do something about that hair! And your aversion to go with the flow. And your cranky disposition when it comes to sticking out from the rest of the zodiac. Just because we watch boring teevee or shop at the mall, it doesn't mean we're all cyborgs. No need to take us to task for not being individualistic Taurus Goddesses like yourselves. Use all that pent-up energy to pick a fight over something more meaningful, will you? The new moon at the end of March will open you up to a whole new set of expectations to rail against. The good news is that you are a Taurus Goddess, worthy opponent, amazing competitor. The bad news is that we haven't all gotten that memo yet. Be patient.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I attended my first horse race not long after moving to Los Angeles. I was shocked and amazed to see rows of people hunched over Jack & Coke while smoking their last three dollars and hoping for a Win, Place or Show. It's a reluctant metaphor for your March -- running around in even more circles, hoping to get neck and neck with your anxiety and win, finally! Or at least place. I meanyou're here, aren't you, so you got "show" covered. In some way, we're all of us hoping for a win, place or show in this life. And, though you don't want to hear it, I would not recommend placing all your money down on one horse (or rider, I know how ya'll are) this spring, until the Mercury horse goes direct on the 25th. While this month may not be the final freedom you were banking on, I can assure you that all is not lost, and by releasing your need to win at all costs perhaps you'll have time to decide if you really wanted the prize anyway. And since you're already here, what with the showing up and all, why not have a Jack & Coke on me.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Shakespeare called astrology "The excellent foppery of the world." Methinks old Shakespeare needed to take ye olde stick out of ye old arse. But this line reminds me of the old saying "Anything can be true as long as you believe it." I'm down with that. Let's believe what we need to be true all month long, shall we? (Oh, ya'll can tell I am a true Cancer, with a Cancer rising, such a dreamy little optimist.) What you -- and I -- need to believe this spring is that magic still exists, that our future can be divinely granted, that fate is smiling upon us. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Fact is, if you believe that the gods are smiling on you, they most likely are. And destiny can be made. And fortune cookies can tell the truth. And people can surprise you, and you can surpass even your own expectations for yourself.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Let's play spin the bottle. I spin, and you bottle up your emotions. Oh wait! Ya'll are already playing that game! Please stop. Now. Not tomorrow or next week or the second Tuesday after you get your teeth cleaned. Stop now. Learn to express yourself today by writing a big mean letter to the world and address it to every single person that has ticked you off. Include your bitter third-grade teacher, the friend who wasn't, the ex that never explained why it ended, the convenience store clerk who was rude. All of them. (Feel free to throw in some jabs at Mr. X, I'm just saying is all.) Spew it all out on paper and then wonder at how you ever kept all that bottled inside. Feel terribly free, self-satisfied, and delighted with your colorful vocabulary. Now isn't that better?

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
What's a nice Virgo like you doing in a joint like this? Do you feel a little tainted by the proximity of so many astrological slackers? You after all, take this life very seriously, and if the rest of us zodiac losers would just get our asses in gear and stop pandering to our weaker aspects, then maybe you'd see fit to grace us with your presence. I don't know how you manage to put up with us. I have three suggestions for helping ease the annoyance factor: don't eat strange candy, don't talk in elevators, and don't wear spandex. And don't compromise your sense of purpose and vision just because we haven't caught up with you yet. We will.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Resist the temptation to get bitchy this month. Do not give into your inner horndog. Break out the halo and be on your best behavior, because someone is eyeing you closely for a leadership role, or a promotion, or some added responsibility you've been asking for. Maybe it's just that your character has come under scrutiny lately, and you don't want to give them fuel for the fire. (There has been a lot of chatter in your life, and almost none of it has been true or real.) Whatever the case may be, think angelically and picture yourself with wings. Libra, ya'll need to move from wild child to angel in 30 days or less! If Drew Barrymore could do it, so can you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
A recent poll shows that 2/3 of all Scorps are Alone-a-phobes. Surrounding yourself with people and things and noise is your favorite way of dealing with Alone-aphobia, but I'm going to suggest something radical. Turn off the TV and the radio, don't answer the phone -- in fact, turn the ringer off -- and be all by your lonesome for at least 20 minutes. Why is it so scary for you? Think of it as a party of one. See! You're such nice company. I like having you around. You ought to come here more often. Baby, what's your sign? Oh. Right. That's how we got here in the first place. Whoops.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
How well do you know your modern Paula Abdul? She was a nice girl from the suburbs who lyricized "He's a cold hearted snake / look into his eyes / uh-oh / he's been telling lies..." You could take a warning from her... after all, you know that sometimes we all need a former cheerleader-turned-choreographer-turned-singer turned-hasbeen-turned-American-Idol to philosophize for us. Well, I know I do, anyway. Besides how many modern-day philosophers were former Laker Girls? But, I digress. The true sum of a month's wisdom comes from one lyric. "All the world's a candy store / he's been trick or treatin'" A line fitting of a Sag, because all the world is your candy store in March. Someone's been trick or treatin' in the past ... but this month it will be you, happy Sag, many treats and no cold-hearted snakes here. Straight up now tell me ... am I forever your girl? (Ok, I'm stopping now! I promise!)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Dearest Capricorn. Welcome to March. You are under emotional House of Blues arrest. You have the right to get angry. You have the right to speak with a real friend, and confess your secrets and your fears. You have the right to late night phone calls. You have the right to ponder, to delve into your emotions. You have the right to broaden your horizons, meet new people, break new laws of attraction. You have the right to drunken introspection. If you cannot afford therapy, you may find that a therapist has been appointed to you by the gods, and will manifest itself in nooks and crannies. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

Posted by laurie at 10:12 AM | Comments (62)

February 02, 2006

February 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

February is funky.

You may think it's because we're in the doldrums of winter, or because February contains Valentine's Day (a.k.a. "the day when I can only assume the rest of the free world is getting lucky and I am watching a CSI re-run and eating microwave popcorn for dinner hate you hate you.") But it's really a planetary issue.

Listen, when Mercury is in Uranus (HAH HAH HAH) we all feel a little uncomfortable in our private parts. Lots of surprise communications. A full moon on the 13th, with Venus un-retrograding and Jupiter humping through the zodiac. Ya'll. There's just a lot going down in the stars for this, the Short Month To Crazy.

Advice to all signs: Chocolate goes great with red wine.

---


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Would you like fries with that Quarter Pounder of Stress? Your commitments to school or work combined with the constant demands from your family and friends have you near the end of your rope this month. That urge to escape your life and run on autopilot is particularly strong near month's end. You might begin harboring serious fantasies of sitting alone on a mountaintop and pondering your navel. Take a deep breath, clear you calendar for at least one full day in February, and commit to some serious alone time before you become commit-able. You may long for a padded room ... but I hear that straightjackets make your butt look big.


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
It's half past backbone time. Remember when you thought your lucky number was 1-800-2PLEASE? Indeed, the people-pleaser gene is so strong in you that I sometimes wonder if you have ever done anything just to please yourself. Have you? Wait, don't answer that. Ya'll just start getting all defensive and that does neither of us any good. Try instead to remember your daydreams, the ones that involve you being successful and happy. Your real wants are right there, beneath the surface. As soon as you realize that the most important person to please is the person in that daydream, which by the way should be YOU, you'll be on your way.


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Sure, some people may think you are self-centered or arrogant, but is it your fault that the universe has called upon you to be a born leader? Yes, sometimes you get so impatient waiting for things to happen that you make impulsive decisions. And, yeah, you often get frustrated when people don't catch on to things as quickly as you do, and so you get a little snappish. But who can blame you, right, it's just your nature. In February, please try to have some patience with those of us not quite up to speed yet. Also, with Mars finally vacating your Money house, you will cease being stressed about money all the time and you can finally take me to dinner. Hi!

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Use or be used. Ever heard that phrase? No? It's a little self-serving as far as mottos go, a relic from the "Me" years of the plastic 1980s (oh, how I loved you, sweet little 1980s. Come back to Crazytown.) During the self-help boom of the 1990s, such crash, selfish mottos became obscure while we dug deep, found the child within, took a course in miracles and Celestine Prophesied. Now it's the mid-to-late 2000s, and we're stuck in a sort of motto-less rut. I hope that February finds you developing a new personal motto, because I think every Taurus needs one. "Because I can!" sounds nice. So does "I am the captain of my own ship!" Aye, aye.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I don't usually start out with actual horoscope-y stuff, but Venus is un-retrograding this month on the 3rd, so that's good. For you. Who will need to sign something or make some decision or hell, just go shopping, and the planets say, "Yes!" After the 3rd, of course. And then Mars is going freaky and moving into Gemini on the 17th, which is Really. Really. Good. For. You. Now, about that shopping ... test drive a new pair of shoes, a skirt, a handbag (mmmm, handbags) or some other unexpected little treat. Whatever power struggle you have found yourself locked in for the past few weeks (months?) will be best resolved by walking away, and I suggest a walk to the nearest mall. The best route might involve a trip to the salon as well, for a pre-spring trim and a manicure. Ya'll have worn yourselves weary with constant over-analysis of a particularly thorny relationship, and you deserve a little retail therapy.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Lots of people talk all kinds of smack about Cancers, like how we're so sensitive, and moody and such little homebodies. But they never talk about the COOL things we are: we're very open to new ideas, we love to get introspective and work on improving ourselves, and we'll get our crazy on in the self-help aisle, ya'll know what I mean. We're creative and funny and know lots of useful trivia. Ok, maybe that last part was just me. So even if Valentine's Day has got you down, I don't want you to buy into the bad press. The skies are real funky for Cancer in February, but it's funky-good -- especially the full moon on the 13th and the New Moon on the 28th. Venus has been screwing with us since December, and we've all been asking, "Where is the love?" Our need to be acknowledged is second only to our need for melancholy, so this is a perplexing state for a Cancer. But everything we're doing now is laying the groundwork for the social upswing and happy summer ahead of us. Jupiter is hanging out in the Love house until the end of November, ya'll, so I might actually go on a date this year. And if I can do it, SO CAN YOU.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
BLAME SATURN. All that stuff that happened and kind of sucked? Blame Saturn. But later this month, once the Hallmark moments of Valentine's Day have faded like a bad memory, you'll begin to see a subtle shift in both your energy and your luck. I feel like I should be sending you HappyGrams or something, since the ick and muck of the past three months is (mostly) finally behind you. The full moon this month is in Leo, and I suspect you may be one of those getting lucky while I am home watching re-runs. I'm just saying is all. But I'm not hating on you -- you deserve this one. The metamorphosis from the grey days of winter to the hopeful weeks of spring may make you feel cocky. Swagger.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Build a shrine to gossip this month... you might as well, since you've been privy to your fair share of grapevine chatter these past few weeks. All the rumors and whispering can't obscure the reality of your situation, however, and setting out on the warpath of truth will do you no good. There is no reasoning with craziness, remember? So before you light a candle at the alter of justice, evaluate your position as clearly as possible and start planning some ways to deal with the invasive lunacy around you. The good news: YOU ARE NOT THE INSANE ONE.


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
I'm so jealous! All the planets are lining up for Libras this month, first, there's Mars Moving into your Hot Mama house, and ya'll have a full moon in your Shiny Happy House and Venus is un-retrograding just in time to hang out in your house of Big Pimpin' ... now that's Astrology Gone Right. Go ahead and indulge in that post V-day red velvet heart full of chocolates. Feel smug. Your hard work last month is beginning to pay off, and the rewards are part of the goal!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Meet Super Scorpio, crimefighter extraordinaire, destroyer of evil, sole defender of free thinking! Super Scorpio is scouring the planet, making a mental list of who is naughty and who is deplorable, making it safe for the weaker zodiac signs to self-express. Our heroine is fighting off evil left and right! The Bullying Bad Guys are closing in fast, and the Lying Scum she battled just last month has reared his nasty head. Pop those villains like a pimple, Super Scorpio! Use your super-strength powers of intuition to stomp out bad choices! Evil is no match for your ability to accessorize! (Ya'll I am so sorry. I am totally stoned on cough syrup.)


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Unless it's the mental "Bag Lady Meets Flea Market" state you're after, you need to get busy and do some serious house cleaning. You are surrounded by clutter, both physically and metaphorically. One way of dealing with your stuff is to think of how happy it will make you to be free of it. The letting-go process is the easy part, it's the actual down-and-dirty of search and destroy that scares you. Make a list of every single thing that's annoying you -- from your leaning tower of laundry to the whiny friend who complains nonstop -- and get busy paring down. This month is no time for hanging on to the past if the past is kind of moldy and bringing you down. Purge, little Sag. Purge.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
There is a grace period for lethargy -- it's called February. It's the month that isn't really cold deep winter, but it's not yet the thaw of spring. No wonder it's characterized in classical literature by words like "bleak" "grim" and "dreary." This February gives you a full moon in Leo on the 13th, which is good for you to re-charge your little Cappy engine and falls in a peak time of a perfectly direct Venus, so shop now or forever hold your peace. Stupid Mercury is retrograding in March, so Hi, Jennifer? Let's go shopping this month for cute shoes for the Paris trip, because March will be Mercury-icky for shopping. Capricorns also have some love junk in their chart this month, all really good, and I'm not expounding because I'm sort of jealous and kind of need lunch. Love ya'll.

Posted by laurie at 12:32 PM | Comments (80)

January 03, 2006

January 2006 Hor-O-Scopes

I met a lady once on The Farm in Summertown, and she was telling me about the different stages of Venus. I was eight years old. Because all eight-year-olds like to hear about planets moving into their house of so-and-so, right? My childhood. Normal as pie.

Anyway, this lady's name was Barbara, and she wore long skirts and ankle bracelets and had a fondness for zucchinni bread that I still do not understand to this day. She believed, as some do, that the date of birth does not define you astrologically, that in fact the date of conception makes you who you are.

Therefore, if my predicitions are off, blame it on all the zucchini bread, the retrograde of Venus, all the drugs they did back in the 60s ... and on you not knowing your date of conception! (Like I would ask my parents that. EWWWWW.)

Happy January!

---

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
There is nothing like a bikini wax to prove that beauty can be painful. And don't get me started on high heels, pantyhose and the torture we endure known as the thong. So, what is this metaphor and why is it in your horoscope? In January, you discover that nothing is effortless, even artful disguise. The beginning of a new year is daunting to Aquarians because it seems like there's just so much work to do. Luckily, all the effort (and pain) will be accompanied by some possible romance, especially as Venus retrogrades through February. Don't push yourself to make an unnecessary choice... but consider the pain/gain compromise. Even the dreaded thong cures panty lines.


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Your scars are a legend of the places you've been, the roadmap of adventures you have had. The deeper your scars go, the more you need to use them as signposts and monuments to your personal travels. You've seen this month's pitfalls before. Look clearly at your emotional compass and you'll see you're about to run right back into a dead end. The upside is that I caught you just in time, and if you stop, and do a little turn to the left or right, you'll be off in a new direction. Pick your next steps carefully, especially around the new moon on the 29th. Your choices will color the coming months, and you'll either be repeating history or charting new territory.


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If I were eavesdropping on your psyche I'd wager you're grumbling about success, and measuring sticks, and possibly wondering why the vision of your life that you dreamed up so long ago seems to pale in comparison to so-and-so's life? Or maybe your own goals and expectations have you feeling about two inches tall? It's all the same thing. January looks challenging, because someone in your circle will find a way to point out your failures while simultaneously tootin' their own damn horn. Rest assured, you may not actually see the Karma Police in action giving citations to the creeps in your midst, but I dare you to outdo them. Success truly is the best revenge, and it is within your reach. You are way more than two inches tall. I promise.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You have had the psychic flu for way too long. Get out the hot tea and the emotional remedies that worked last year around this time and start doing some serious recuperating. Your addiction to the past is gonna put you in deep inner-rehab, and we can only hope you'll emerge like Drew Barrymore coming out of the Betty... a beautiful butterfly with a great comeback career and toned thighs instead of that withered old worm in the bottom of a fifth of Cuervo. It's your choice, really, and the sooner you realize that health and recovery are all in your own hands the better. The new moon on the 29th is your absolute final bottom-line "snap-out-of-it" day!



GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
What a contradiction, like the way your eyes change colors when you get sleepy or tired or mad as hell. And how you always manage to have a striking good hair day the same exact morning you have an appointment to get the whole mess chopped off. Some people would call it bad timing ... I say it's a hidden blessing. Smolder. Have bed-head, why don't you. What you see as awkward and shy about you is someone else's vision of mystery and gamine charm. Always work the charm angle, it will endear you to women and make men fall at your feet. It isn't manipulative if you really are charming ... and I trust you to be polite and seductive at the same time. Yours is the only contradiction in the zodiac worth exploiting.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Did you know that approximately 3 billion people on the planet have never made or received a telephone call? That's half the earth's population. So before you get run-down and stressed-out and feeling like the world is passing you by on broadband cable while you're stuck on a 28.8 dial-up, take a deep breath and think ... "At least I'm in the phone half." See, you're already way ahead of half the world. Feel better? Understand that you will never know as much as you want to or reach every single goal or even have a perfectly clean house. Forget being in complete control. Take a deep breath make a list of things to do. Throw away the list. Have a cocktail and just breathe.


LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ever noticed what someone might recommend as "good" for you often feels like opression? This month the only advice to take is your own. You're kicking ass. I hope you aren't kicking mine. Lethargy and numbness are stalking you and you're fighting them off! I'm amazed. Bottle that energy and sell it. Hell, I'll buy it. Seriously. I'll buy anything. Financial troubles, romantic tension and too many obligations left you feeling drained after the holidays, and your energetic reach for a fresh start is admirable. But stalkers have a naughty tendency to be tenacious -- and Mr. Lethargy and Ms. Sloth are all over your neighborhood. Use your ass-kicking skills to banish them until summer, when you'll be ready for a well-deserved rest. June will be the best time to plan a get-away, so if you start saving now the whole trip will be virtually free.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I have a very good Virgo friend who once told me that she's a member of the "most boring sign in the zodiac." Say it ain't so. I think there's a simmering discontent right under your skin. You feel like a big slug right now, but you're just going to have to rouse yourself out of your rut and shake a tailfeather, baby. If you try to bury your head you'll end up with car trouble, financial worries and an ulcer. Besides, your namesake planet is retrograding, and even the word "retrograde" sounds sinister, don't you agree? Make like a good Virgo and spend some time organizing your life, un-retrograding yourself. Once you start, you'll feel infinitely better.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Imagine your month as if it were a playoff game in the NFL ... hopelessly unfeminine, brutishly strong, and played out in front of a crowd, half of whom want you to lose and half of whom want you to win. You have a cheerleading squad, and a coach, but when it comes down to it the whole game is up to you -- whether or not you drop the ball is all on your own shoulders. Or shoulderpads, as the metaphor would have it. You'll be caught up in a huddle of competitive spirit and the game can go either way. Remember you'll need your team's support for this to work out in your favor, so don't alienate those who are trying to help you.


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Wanted: One slighty smoldering Scorpio, visionary ideals intact, for a month of romantic possibilities. Charisma a must. A desire to take the lead will get you everywhere. Prefer a strong communicator who makes the first move in January. Artistry and intuition will put you ahead of the competition. Underappreciated Scorps encouraged to apply. No phone calls, please, all daring escapades must be made in person. January is an equal opportunity calendar month for you.


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Car metaphors. Your wheels are turning. Your engine is heating up. Sure, in the cold and long winter months it may take more to get you going than in the sunroof-down-days of summer, but your motor just needs some TLC. I know you have every intention of revving up the new year with your horsepower blazing, horns at the ready, map in hand. Do not get discouraged when the first half of the month brings you stop signs, traffic jams and possibly a moving violation. You still have the keys, you are in the driver's seat, and the road may be curvy, but it;s a lovely view once you get beyond the full moon of the 14th. I'm telling the rest of the zodiac to brake for Sagittarious in January.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
I have a paint-by-numbers vision of who you want to be, but your actions -- your brushstrokes and sketches and ink blobs -- are making the picture muddy and here I am left with paint on my fingers and still no idea where you are. Where will all this avoidance and barely-below-the-surface frustration get you? (Abstract art usually makes the artist rich post-mortem.) (I don't know what that means, either, but it sounded profound.) What I do know is that you must try to clear up the picture and make some bold color appear, after all -- you are the artist here, not me. January is your month to draw a whole new picture of your life, if you choose to see it that way.

Posted by laurie at 03:48 PM | Comments (63)

December 01, 2005

December 2005 Hor-O-Scopes

Last month I got a significant amount of email from nice Aries folks who feel that I am not giving their sign a fair shake, seeing as you-know-who is an Aries and all.

Well.

This led to some discussion at Stitch 'n Bitch (which is tonight by the way, West Hollywood Farmer's Market, 3rd and Fairfax) and after remarks about my crappy Aries prognostications from some nice Aries S-n-B knitters, a brilliant idea was stumbled upon. (This is what happens when you get me and Jen and Gwen talking about astrology over wine and yarn. Brilliance!)

So, I rosined up my bow and played my fiddle hard, chickens in the breadpan pickin' out dough (after all this time I still have NO IDEA what that means) and ... where were we? Oh! Horoscope brilliance! Well, this month each sign has the normal meandering, useless predictions as usual ... PLUS a bonus reading for Evil Exes. Yay! Problem solved!

I don't think I'll do this feature every month since there's only so many ways to say "You suck" in astro-lingo. But it's good for December, a.k.a. "Divorce Month," a.k.a. "Yes I am Spending Christmas Alone" month. Enjoy!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Romance and love and depression are all one thing for you right now, one in the same. The holidays can be lonely and it's definitely the cruddiest time of year to be drinking morning coffee with the cat instead of your companion. But this is just ONE month out of MANY. Getting stuck in the glum will prevent you from enjoying the bright spots this season holds. Exhibit A: Sparkly lights and pretty things. Exhibit B: Half-off sales on the 26th and Exhibit C: Some serious chemistry between you and a date in the first few weeks of 2006. Things will look up, little Aquarian, don't despair. Unless you want to despair. In which case, um, I am right there with you. My drink of despair is a nice Beaujoulais, yours...?

IF YOUR EX IS AN AQUARIUS... Unlike the good side of Aquarius, those who can see both the grey clouds *and* the silver lining, you are just in the dark. Probably because the cloud hovering overhead is REALLY grey. And... probably about to dump rain on you. Too bad so sad!

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Been listening to a lot of music lately? Trying to avoid coming down with a bad case of Holiday Spirit, are you? I suspect all those song lyric cliches are keeping you from truly getting into the moment, living out loud the way we do nowadays. (I'm trying to start the Livin' Out Loud movement... like Scientology only not creepy. Less jumpy on the couchy.) You, pisces, are the psychic of the zodiac. Imagine for a moment that we are all zodiac siblings, a family of 12. You are our listener, the one who feels us. We need you in your true skin, not some put-on-made-up mantra for the season of grieving. Besides, that silver lining in your cloud goes so well with your candor and kindness. Live. Out. Loud! We need to hear what you have to say!

IF YOUR EX IS A PISCES... Actually, we don't need to hear what you have to say. We're happy when you Live Not Out Loud. Or become a Scientologist... which is probably what will happen. You may now commence jumping on the couch.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Like a heat-seeking radar, I am most jealous of you this month. I know you're getting it on. Even if it's just the metaphorical matress mambo. You are emphatically spicy. You have those middle-of-the-night dreams ... and these lingering looks ... and that sultry half-undone look of someone who is gonna get what she wants. You radiate enough heat this month to cook Christmas Dinner. Cook, darlin, and if they show up for the meal all the merrier. Metaphorically speaking. Ya'll know.

IF YOUR EX IS AN ARIES... This holiday season will be all about you you you. AGAIN. Happy! Exciting! Until the one night you wake up. And you are totally alone. And you reach across an empty bed and realize maybe the best years of your life have already passed, and your one true love is sleeping in a different house on the other side of the city, and you can never, ever get her back. Because even though you broke her heart, you did not break her. And she will never, ever love you again.

GOD THAT FELT GOOD TO SAY OUT LOUD.
Whoops! Back to hor-o-scopes! More astrology, less therapy!

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
The U.S. Department of Holidays has declared this "Happy to be Me Month," in which you and YOU ONLY will finally release that pile of grudge, forget about the mean comment you overheard, stop chasing the one who can't remember your phone number and get a full 8 hours of sleep a night. Take a chance and follow the government’s decree of equal opportunity happiness. What do you have to lose besides stress headaches and premature aging? No Retin-A can cure the wrinkles of a thousand bitter grimaces. FREE THE SMILE WITHIN. Indeed.

IF YOUR EX IS A TAURUS... The U.S. Department of Holidays has just revoked your Happiness Card. Please proceed immediately to the "Audits" line, where we shall inventory your good and bad deeds. Thank you, drive through.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Ever heard the old proverb, "She who holds a quarter between her knees never gets screwed." ? Um, well maybe it isn't a proverb, It might be one of my Grandma's famous sayings. (You really have to meet my grandma one day. She's a hoot and a holler!) Still, this proverb is profound in every way. If you are busy holding those knees together you'll have better posture. Better posture leads to better self-image. Better self image leads to ... possible loosening up. Which leads to... whoops! There goes the quarter! Twenty-five cents is a teetiny investment for such a big payoff. Agree?

IF YOUR EX IS A GEMINI... Take this quarter and call someone who cares. Then when that person doesn't answer, and you get the quarter back? You can put it in the place where there is no sunshine.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Ends - Beginnings - the stink of CHANGE. I loathe it. And since you're a Cancer, I know you loathe it, too. Just when you thought you had a grasp on 2005, you're a month from 2006! This makes you crazy, upside-down and ass-over-teakettle. It isn't easy to embrace the coming year and make holidays cozy if you're exhausted from all the denial, and frustrated by hanging on to your comfort zone. My dad was right when he said, "The only thing you can count on is change." Embracing this concept is a radical about-face for Crabs, but I guarantee you once you have fully accepted change as a natural condition, it will transform your whole outlook. Let's go have a nice glass of spiked cider and sit in a cozy room and wear something warm and then, when we feel ok, we'll all try to look forward to a new year of ass-over-teakettle. The good news is: We may actually see a few nice asses.

IF YOUR EX IS A CANCER ... Well, um. I am a Cancer. And I am an Ex. So I am pretty sure we defy the Ex Logic and we just rock all the time. Don't hate.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I broke out the thesaurus just for you. I found something in your size.... Fearless: Courageous, brave, unafraid, bold, undaunted, unflinching, daring, valorous, stout-hearted, bodacious, gutsy, confident, heroic, intrepid, spunky, ballsy. Yeah, try that on and see how you like it. What? Doesn't fit? Oh, you'd rather wear afraid, frightened, spineless, mousy and cowardly? Whatever. Then hear this one: Choice: option, free-will, pick, determination and desire. This is not easy. I can't tell you that choices are going to leave you feeling particularly ballsy, but you sure will know where your spine is. And it's a very nice spine, so pretty! We likey.

IF YOUR EX IS A LEO ... WE NO LIKEY.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Fastidious. Controlled. Serious. hardworking. (Apparently I still have my thesaurus open from Leo, oops!) It's hard to keep up with your perfect standards when the rest of the zodiac is so freaking imperfect, eh? We never return your phone calls on time or send email to your satisfaction, and basically we just don't have our shit together. Then one day you wake up to a flood of needy voices. Phone calls. Letters, email en masse, knocking on the door, someone asking this or wheedling about that, obligations, responsibility, flossing. You just have no time! You are crazy madsick busy and the only thing you can possibly do to reserve any shred of sanity is lock yourself in the bathroom and yell. Now. (If it's any consolation, we only cling to you because we love you.)

IF YOUR EX IS A VIRGO ... Um, the other Virgos have people calling them all the damn time because they're so cool. You have people calling you and demanding things from you because you're ... well, probably a divorce lawyer. SLIME. In fact, I am sure you are a divorce lawyer or some other foul type of soul-sucker. We are going to stop calling you. Now.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You are the vanguard of social change. Your lofty ideals of fairness and equality have yet to permeate the masses, and we're still pretty shallow and contemptuous. For example, I am truly embarrassed that I know every word to MANY Britney Spears songs. You are truly embarrassed that you know someone who knows Britney Spears lyrics. Embarrassment-by-association is one of those things I urge you to leave behind in the coming year. Besides, you have so much fighting spirit -- I'd like to see you champion some great cause or start a mini-rebellion against injustice... in comparison, embarrassment seems a little, um, embarrassing, wouldn't you say?

IF YOUR EX IS A LIBRA ... You are kind of embarrassing yourself, which is why you are now an EX.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I like your lips. You say what's on your mind and that's a change. Why don't others appreciate your candor? I dunno. Maybe you're rude. Maybe they aren't as enlightened as you are. I would say it's half and half. You're half blowsy and half brilliant, and they are half annoyed at your manners. So, in true peace-on-earth form, make some concessions this holiday season: I'll let you be witty and wise as long as you don't bite my head off and make acerbic remarks at my expense. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to ferret out the source of your anxiety and release it before the clock strikes midnight on Dec 31. Your reward: A new era of ass-kicking fueled by self-respect and my never-ending adoration. I do love me a Scorpio. I do!

IF YOUR EX IS A SCORPIO ... Way to go with the "pissing off of everyone who ever liked you." Yeah. Way to go, guy.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Have you finished anything you started this past year? Ok, don't answer that question. You'll start to answer, sure, then get off on a tangent about why you got sidetracked, and before we know it we'll be halfway to next year and you'll still be ruminating over some perceived ill brought on by A: Your terrible financial situation B: Your family or C: something involving seduction. Just answer this: is there ONE thing you really regret NOT doing? Regret is a sneaky sucker who comes up from behind us and steals our happiness, bit by bit. Foul. Once you know what you will regret, the only true regret is being to lazy scared to go after it. If you managed to unravel that last sentence, you deserve to know this one final thing: 2006 has a lovely happiness waiting for you. You can get there. I know it.

IF YOUR EX IS A SAGITTARIUS ... No happiness awaits you in 2006 because you probably incurred some very bad karma and also, I can see your fung shui hanging out over your waistline and it IS NOT PRETTY.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Let's play truth or dare. I'll tell you the truth about why you've been so cerebrally cramped lately, and then I dare you to break out the mental Motrin and be all the woman you can be. Or man. You get the idea. My mother used to say, "confession is good for the soul because it makes room for more sin." So confess away, baby, and make room for a full season of sin that starts with that one single dare, maybe an impulse buy? Something slinky or sparkly or soft, or write the email you've been too reserved to send, or read something naughty, do something in secret that makes you feel pampered. Then confess to someone about it and make room for even more sin! Blame it on Mercury which goes direct on December 3rd. (I had to add that last bit in to make this seem more legit for ya'll. I know how reasonable Cappies are!)

IF YOUR EX IS A CAPRICORN ... You're boring and kind of a tightwad and that's probably why you've been experiencing the worst constipation lately. Hope it all comes out in the end. HAH HAH.

Posted by laurie at 11:04 AM | Comments (77)

November 01, 2005

November Hor-O-Scopes

Please excuse the eleventeen hundred typos, as our Very Big & Important Editing Department is maybe tied up in meetings all day. Plus, astrological tomfoolery is hard. And the pay stinks. But! So much fun!

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Online shopping. Email. TV. The radio you listen to late at night. It's all part of your bubble, helping you achieve your goal of interacting with as few people as possible in the world. Is this really necessary? Do you really need to turn into me, The Hermit Extraordinaire? Don't you need some real-life TLC? Gooey kissing and schmaltzy hand-holding with puppy dog eyes is really good for the complexion. Of course, you are too well-mannered to slurp in public. But I suggest you venture out this month and start making some eye contact. Bedroom eyes suit you.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Oh, to be you. The golden halo of happiness is almost yours -- it is within reach! I'd be envious, but I know how hard you've been working to just move on and goshdarnit, you deserve it. Not to get too Oprah on you or anything, but this is one of those karmic times when you'll really start getting back what you've been putting in. Might I just suggest you share a little of the wealth? It's easier than it sound -- when happiness comes your way, simply don't go stingy on the smiles and ego-strokes that those around you need from time to time. Flattery, as it turns out, gets you everywhere!

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
The answer to the following question is of paramount importance to you right now.... Would you rather be known as the smart one or as the pretty one? Be honest. Here's the thing ... we all want to be both smart and pretty (and rich too, and also SKINNY, HELLO, but let's not get into all that). The truth is that you can be both, but only because pretty is a state of mind. I have no idea what state of mind SKINNY is, but if ya'll find out will you let me know? Pretty please?


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Mental French kissing. Intimate, but doesn't go too far. Nothing chaste about it, but still .... you haven't crossed the line. Someone in your life is trying to push you too hard, too fast but I think you're in a good place for now. Don't worry so much about keeping up with your peers, we're all pretty screwed up anyway and we'd swap places with you in a heartbeat. Promise!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Information overload! Make way for words and numbers and sayings and reading and books and facts and oh my. You know that urge to run, run like the wind? I have it too (lucky me, my moon is in Gemini!) Let's embrace the footloose, fancyfree vibe (sure, some people call it "flighty" or "scared" ... what do they know? Can I see their PhD, please? THANK YOU.) Forget about coupling up under a full moon, and instead bask in the orange glow of a well-basted turkey and some good friends. With what you're going through right now the last thing you need is to try to distract yourself with romance.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Temptation.
Enough said? Yummy everything ... tasty romance, delicious treats, scrumptious opportunities, delightful new doors, the path not yet ventured down is calling out to you. Interesting, since you usually despise change. But something about the holiday whirlwind and the crisp air is making your adventurous side bubble up with anticipation. Bottom line: candy is good. Don't take it from strangers, or steal it, or eat too much of it. Now, dive in!


LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Ew, you have the ghosts of your past swirling all around you. It's a reflect-on-the-past and what-the-hell-am-I-thankful-for time of the year, and your poor, tired brain is screaming "Go Away!" What does this mean? Your fears about the future won't be solved by avoiding to plan for it. I prefer flats to high heels, but I only realize that because I wore high heels first. You could get your butt kicked by your fear of failure or you could just freeze -- immobile -- unable to go forward or backward. Don't freeze. Be the ball. Start rolling.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
A Virgo friend of mine recently complained that last month's horror-scope was rather unappealing. I decided to make it up to you this month by reading your House of Whimsy, a little-known astrological hideout of mirth. First, you will begin making plans to travel. Next, you will realize that the mantra of this decade is "I don't know." Explore your fickle side by being picky in a possible romantic situation mid-month and don't hesitate to do some serious pre-holiday shopping. Finally, Truths are harder to see right now, but they are worth seeking out. See? That wasn't so bad.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Songs hold lots of philosophical wisdom. For instance, you just can't argue with "I want it my way" or "Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream" or "People of the world, spice up your life!" Ever noticed how just a little groove can get your whole frame of mind to shift? Much like wearing fancy lingerie under an everyday pair of jeans, turning up the volume on your life (musically and literally) can remove you from that rut, even if only temporarily. It's your mission -- should you choose to accept it -- to shake up your own rut this month. Slutty underthings and cheesy Spice Girls songs optional.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Imagine someone sends you a check for ten thousand dollars. It isn't quite enough to quit your job or drop out of school, but it's just enough to get you out of hock and have plenty left over for a spending spree of celebrity proportions. Ok, you're not getting rich this month. But! You do tend to be a little obsessed with money right now, and creative visualization of this kind will help you get your priorities straight. You may discover that you need to budget like a pro and develop some financial goals. Or, you might just say to hell with it and buy some of those non-essentials you've been craving. Either way, you'll be thinking about Retail Therapy, and ... well. It's got the word "therapy" in it, right? So it must be good, right?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Platitudes. Like "Healthy, wealthy and wise" or "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Have ya'll noticed that you're just surrounded by platitudes lately? Nobody seems real anymore. Boredom will strike this month since this is your time for navel-pondering as your birthday is near. It's OK to be introspective. It's Ok to want more from people. Rest up, and pay special attention to your healthy habits or you can look forward to sniffles and blahs late in the month. Cheer up! It's avoidable. Wash your hands a lot.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Wow, you're a whirling dervish of energy, a mad smash of activity, an entire Mars Bar of fun! You are a snack attack this month, and you're energy level is unprecedented. You need to talk! Share your vision! Your excitement! Your absolute clarity with the world! Why won't they heed your advice? Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid? Who cares! You're cool! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. Hear you ROAR. Or... what is it that goats do? Do they roar? WHO CARES! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. You can ROAR if you want to!

Posted by laurie at 02:54 PM | Comments (36)

October 03, 2005

October 2005 Hor-O-Scopes!

Mmmmmm.... fun size snickers. I love October. Except... HOLY CRAP IT'S OCTOBER ALREADY. I'm still kind of stuck back in July. Snickers, anyone?

- - - -

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Yes, it's true. It's October ALREADY. Luckily for you there are a bunch of really technical things going on in your chart that I won't bore you with. But they're Good Things, as Martha would say. Travel things. Telephone things. Exciting things. You think that time is speeding up, and we're traveling too quickly toward some unknown destination. But really, all the phone calls and possibilities of this month -- now and forever known to you as ROCKTOBER!!! -- are going to make you very happy and pleased with yourself by month's end. Accept all invitations, and be gregarious. And can I say it just one more time? ROCKTOBER!!!!

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
My cousin Angie worked on a chicken farm for waaaaay too many years. And she told me many chicken stories, all of which were too boring and gross to repeat here. Anyway, she worked at ye olde feather palace for one reason: MONEY. Needless to say, Angie is not a Pisces. You Pisces are way too artsy and creative to take a job JUST for the money, it hurts your little heart too much. The past few months have been kind of on the lean side, financially speaking, but the planets and stars are now aligning in the House of Dead Presidents and October is Pisces' month for green. Green! No chickens will be involved, either. You can take that to the bank and smoke it.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Confession time. I totally hate writing the Aries hor-o-scope each month because of Mr. X, an infamous Aries. Each month, I secretly hope to look at the charts and see that Aries will be involved in a freak monkeypox epidemic, TOO BAD SO SAD. But I'm trying really hard to turn my bitter psychic frown upside down, so I will start October by 1) making the aforementioned confession and 2) assuming that Mr. X, being an alien, is not really an Aries after all and ergo 3) I can now tell you your forecast without the monkeypox element. Here goes: You have two big eclipses this month, both are super lucky and bode well for luck, happiness and relationships. Lots of smiling! Lots of happiness! Good things all around you! Except for Mr. X. WHO IS EXCLUDED FROM THE GOODNESS. Ok?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
October is sort of the trailer-trash month of the year, when black cats are spooky and black fishnets are tres chic. You don't need to be over-cautious this year -- what you went through last fall is absolutely not going to repeat itself unless you allow it. Yes, I am totally psychic, OK? See, history teaches us things. Like how people can be stupid and make bad decisions and haunted houses are fake. Fake I tell you! That plate of squishy stuff is not brains! The real brains are in your head, where your desion-making skills are. And you now make good decisions, and you will be rewarded for this in the next four weeks. Fishnets optional.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Have you ever wondered why we paint our cars such drab colors -- tan, mauve, khaki, maroon? It's all blah blah blah. Very un-Gemini. If you were a car, you'd be driving through October as BRIGHT NEON MAGENTA or maybe smooth cosmic orange. You'd have as many colors as there are trendy martini names, and you're so HOT PINK all month, no one can resist your charms. Everyone wants a look at Gemini. You're ON FIRE all of October, which is kind of nice, right? Unless you're a real car, and then being on fire would be maybe not so good.


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
FINALLY. The stars and planets and the moon and all that other junk swirling around our cosmos is aligning just so, making October a really neat-o-fragilistic month for Cancerians. We'll be pretty, and happy, and -- say it isn't so! -- we'll be tentatively optimistic. I don't know about ya'll, but I'm already feeling better, even though I'm sort of pissed off that it's October already and I'm not yet prepared for Fall, and holidays, and so on. The little frisson of discontentment with time rapidly marching over me is just a teeny blip on the radar of a pretty damn good month. I AM SO READY FOR A GOOD MONTH. And I said to the universe "Give us happiness! We need it!" and the universe responded with, "All right! Stop your whining! Happy! Happy! Happy it is!"

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Healthy self-expression and obsessive exhibitionism are two entirely different things. Don't get carried away with flaunting your backside now that you have this sudden infusion of self-confidence. Your influence and power grows exponentially when infused with self-restraint. No need to bulldoze over the rest of us in the zodiac just because you're feeling particularly brilliant. Better to let us learn from your genius ways than despise your bossy pointers.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
There was a young Virgo who lived in a shoe, she liked to go shopping and so do you. Beware of Visa, and MasterCard, too, overcharging right now is the worst thing to do! Save your receipts and keep an eye on your cash, and you'll be happy once October has passed. But if you go shopping and spending and buying, within a few weeks you'll be moaning and crying. And although this rhyme was really pathetic, by October's end you'll completely forget it.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Never underestimate the power of creative slouching. Slouch well, and slouch often, that's my motto. But no loafing, or dull dissection of every boring day-to-day detail. You've been wearing the creativity condom for far too long, better to just be done with it, rip it off! Let yourself be impregnated with vitality! And music and painting and dancing and singing! By the way, we're talking in metaphors here, so don't go getting frisky without proper protection ... you're also kind of virile this month. Hey, don't blame the messenger... I just call it as I read it. Also, thank God neither of my parents is a Libra, and they'll totally never read this somewhat risque astrological forecast. Whew.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Depression is interesting only because it's such a powerfully artistic experience. It can be a way for you to figure some serious stuff out, like who you are, and why you ponder your navel as you do. It's not always fun to be the serious one, but I think this weighty, ponderous Scorpio stuff can be really sexy, especially around the holidays. In October, indulge your sweet tooth with copious Halloween candy and just pretend to be in the mood. November kicks off a new Scorpio cycle, and all this gloom and doom stuff will wrap up by month's end. November is just the beginning of the Scorpio ME Decade, albeit a decade that lasts only about a year.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This whole cycle of procrastinating and readying yourself and waiting for your life to begin needs to stop, and stop right now. IT IS TIME. There won't be another tomorrow that's better than today, so do something with your life! Make a list of ten things you have been dreading (like calling for a dentist appointment or getting your oil changed). Make a commitment to get all ten things crossed off during the month of October. Then reward yourself with one big fat selfish day where you indulge your every whim, preferably on the 30th.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)If you don't go out and have at least one wild night of hedonism and fun this month, I'll just give up on you. Stop feeling so self-conscious and in control, it's all a sham and we can all see through it, so there. We like you because you're smart and funny and real. So stop trying to know everything. You can't possibly know it all, take it from me -- I KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. I suggest mini-golf, with lots of cheating. Or silly hats. Or Jell-O for breakfast. This is October -- Halloween! Have some fun, why don't you? Fun! Have fun fun fun 'til your daddy takes the T-bird away!

Posted by laurie at 04:28 PM | Comments (45)

September 06, 2005

Hor-O-Scopes: September, 2005

Hi ya'll! Astrology out of thin air!

So, Jupiter and Pluto are hanging out and having a little planet party on the 17th, and that's right before the full moon, see? And ya'll know how planets can be. Only these guys are like... the party planets. So, some stuff will really suck this month, but the planets will hold a press conference to say it's all getting better and then Uranus or someone will get a DUI and before long, you've got FoxNews trying to tell you that DUIs are good for the economy.

Whatever! The point is, September is here. Labor Day is gone. Whites are safely stored away for another year. Planets are hooking up. Hilarity ensues. Etc. etc.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Back in the old days, during ceremonial precessions people of very high rank were mounted upon horses, presumably to let people know they were the poop. Hence the birth of the delightfully snotty term "up on your high horse." The interesting thing about people who are all superior and arrogant is that they sit on the toilet just like everyone else. My father says it a bit more delicately.. "They take their pants off one leg at a time just like you and me." Trust my dad, he knows what he's talking about. The point? Don't allow someone to intimidate you just because they're way up high in the parade. You have the power here -- you can decide whether or not you'll be wooed by their apparent importance or whether you'll choose to see your own greatness in context. And if that doesn't help you assuage your feelings of intimidation, remember what I said about the toilet.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
John Morton defined a prodigy as a "child who plays the piano when he ought to be in bed." Surely, he was speaking of the prodigal nature of Pisces, creative and driven, passionate and prone to insomnia. Of course he said nothing about that habit you have of constantly changing streams like a little fishy with ADD, never being able to decide which passion it is that you want to pursue. And he cleverly left out the part where you take on three or four or five different passions at once until you're so burned out you can do nothing but stare aimlessly into the walls wondering why nothing ever gets accomplished. But that's ok. You're a prodigy. Now get some sleep.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Remember the old "I'm going on a camping trip..." word game? It goes something like this: I'm going on a camping trip, and I'm bringing Aries, bravado, candor, dogma, effigy, fighting and gossip. But I'm also bringing along hanky-panky, imagination, a journal, know-how, love and magic. Some camping trip, eh? Round out the list with your own campside necessities.... you have a little bit of everything in your bag, Aries, and often it's simply a matter of choosing which parts of yourself you're happy taking along for the trip.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I have a very good friend that once failed her first drug test. She toked the merry weed on graduation night, not realizing that the job market for new liberal arts grads was humiliatingly dim, and she might be forced to apply for a job at State Farm Insurance. Her parents pressured her to fill out an application at the local insurance agency, and a life of secretary spread and 15-minute coffee breaks seemed inevitable. But she failed the required drug test. FAILED. After the humiliation simmered down, she packed her bags and took a writing job in a town 300 miles away. It altered forever the course of her personal history, and she is now a writer and successful editor. Moral of the story: even when you pee in a cup and fail, your life can change for the better.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Like sands from the hourglass, these are the maddening days of our lives. It's the whole white-after-Labor-Day paradox (what? You didn't know there was a paradox? For shame!) I can't go into depth on the paradox here, since that needs wine and ya'll! It's not even 9 a.m.! But let's just say you're feeling fresh as a daisy one day and tired like a faded head of lettuce the next. This is completely understandable in a month that is usually hotter than a witch's tittie, and yet, hello! You can't wear white! The good news: your daisy days will far outweigh the wilted lettuce days this September. Just please put away the white handbags and shoes. For shame!

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Little crabs walk side to side, when they get scared they scoot and hide. With their shells soft underneath, crabs are sweet and good to eat. Beware of sharks and big bad bears, and scary flights of run-down stairs. I like to rhyme with little Cancers, but all they want are some straight answers. Here's a hint, you fellow crabs.... don't mix your stripes with your plaids. Eat your fruits and grains and greens and don't get mad, just get mean. Toughen up that little shell and sometimes say "What the hell..." Take a chance, a risk, a wager and start living now instead of later. My last advice for you to take is to give yourself a worry-break. Oh-- and I promise I'm all through with silly, stinky rhymes for you. Heh. No, really, I am! (Green eggs and ham.) Whoops.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Imagine your house is your own personal game show. When everyone seems defiantly challenging you to fail, you have choices: Behind door number one is pure despondency -- you can fail miserably by not even trying. Hiding behind door number two is your sneaky sense of fear and self doubt -- you half-heartedly move forward expecting to fail, but you blame it on everyone else and are secretly satisfied that you gave 'em what they wanted. OR! Knock knock on door number three ... where you decide once and for all (again) to ignore those who don't have your best interest at heart. You know who I'm talking about, and it's time to show them door number four -- the one that leads out of your life. And make sure you tell them not to let the door hit 'em on the ass on the way out.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
There are some thrills that seem particularly death defying. Like, for instance, riding the giant old roller coaster which sits on the state line between California and Nevada. The rickety ride is enormous, with loops and twists and turns and plunges. You really feel like you're having the thrill of a lifetime by riding that old rollercoaster -- and, in fact, it's so poorly maintained, you suspect you are actually taking your life into your own hands when you ride it. Your thrills for the next few weeks will be marked with this same sense of endorphin gratification -- enjoy it! The ups and downs this month will be a welcome change from the cavernous pit you've been in. It's bumpy, but a wild ride!

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Ever been so lost you had to call the operator just to get a 911 on your location? Ah, then you'll be well prepared for this fall. You're about to embark on a three month cycle of emotional binge and purge, alternately craving attention and hating everyone in sight. While I'm sure there is an astrological term for this cycle, I think I'll call it PMS-on-acid. I'd give you some tips on how to handle this malady, but by now you're already tired of me and I'm getting on your nerves. Now you feel kinda bad about it. But that annoys you too. See what I mean?

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Some guy out in Nebraska had a dream. He looked out upon the cornfields and prairies of Middle America and thought, "This would be the perfect place to build a replica of Stonehenge using CARS instead of ROCKS!" And so he did. He called it CARHENGE, and you can visit it just outside Alliance, Nebraska. I smell a Scorpio here, ya'll. You Scorps are dreamers, but your real talent is being able to make a buck off it. I don't expect you to go off and build a replica of Easter Island using Coke cans and marbles, but I do see a few months ahead of creativity and -- yes -- money. To get your hands on the green stuff make sure you don't keep your ideas all to yourself, and you'll be rolling in the dough, Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
This is your captain speaking. Get your passport, buy your tickets and hold on tight to your Pepto-Bismol, ya'll are in for a trip down memory lane when someone from your past makes an unexpected visit to your present. With summer over and winter looming ahead of you, it would be easy to fall back into your old ways. Keep your eyes on the road and remind yourself that this is merely a detour -- perhaps a scenic drive -- on the way to your final destination. If all else fails, look at where you've been... you know you don't want to go backwards, now, do you? (In fact, this is good advice for Cancers, too, but I was busy Busta Rhymin' up there. Ah well.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
If the Olympics had a category for Zodiac superstars, I have no doubt you'd win the gold medal for Long-Distance Courage. You might even grab the silver medal for the 300-meter Loyalty Dash, edged out of the gold medal only by a tenacious Cancerian or a fiery Scorpio. One of your greatest strengths is your commitment to the finish line. But when it comes to changing courses during the downhill events or cutting corners on the balance beam you need a little practice. Keep in mind that if you want to reach your dreams, you have to be flexible enough to jump for them and willing to make some changes in your dismount.

Posted by laurie at 09:37 AM | Comments (35)

August 03, 2005

August Hor-o-scopes, better late than never!

So, hi! Working! Lots of it! All the time, working and working. Tick tock, eight business days until this thing launches ... and everything keeps breaking. Seriously.

Word has gotten around the office. Like, people have started slowly backing away from me and protecting their valuable cell phones and PDAs from my miraculous powers of BREAKING SHIT. I am the Anti-Tech! Behold my power of ZAP! The hard drive? What hard drive? Oh you mean the broken one? AHAHAHA behold my evil laugh! I am the Anti-Tech!

Not that I would ever discuss WORK or anything -- other than to talk about how much I love my job and practically want to hump my own chair I'm so excited to be an employee and all -- but anyway, if I did talk about work, hypothetically? I would tell ya'll that if just ONE DAY I could come in to work and get 50% of the equipment to function properly, I would... well, well... yes. I would probably hump my own chair. Just 50% of shit working! Would be progress!

Also, since I am NOT talking about work on the Internets, I must tell you that I. Am. So. Tired. Need a vacation. With someone named Man Slave who brings me food, worships my voluptuousness, insists that I have more wine, and of course humps my chair. If you know what I mean. And I believe you do.

So, that is why the moon and stars are late. I know knitters need their astrology. I KNOW. I wanted to give it to you on time... but... did I mention? All the broken things? Like hard drives and motherboards and plasma screens that cost more than my entire car? Broken! Love ya'll! Need a vacation!

---

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
I don't know how to sugarcoat this, so ...um. Saturn? That big planet that hated me for two years? Totally getting into your love live. Yup! Hi! Sorry! Weird relationship stuff this month. (Listen, I am tahred and need sleep, that's the best I can do.) (Also, don't shoot the messenger!) Oh, and this month? You're trying new things left and right, so be careful of indulging your rebellious side by doing things you really couldn't give a shit about. Now. Want to come fix some stuff at my office? Please?


PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
There's something in the water. Oh, it's you Pisces. You've been so quiet lately I almost forgot you were there! So busy. The thing is, I'm over here throwing a hissy because my job is eating me, and yet you? You are working harder than any other sign and not complaining a bit. Also, you're like... organized. And kind of on top of things. And I'm starting to get jealous. So, uh, just keep on keepin' on. P.S. If you get bored, I have some purchase orders I still haven't filled out for some replacement equipment... I'm JUST SAYING is all....


ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Ok, listen. My soon-to-be-ex-husband? An Aries. So I kind of want to just skip Aries all the time. But I do NOT skip you, because I am deeply sensitive to the amount of hateful email that might generate. So. Aside from Mr. X, who will NEVER have a good forecast, August looks good for Aries. Begin the rest of your life today. Right now. If you wait ... you will procrastinate. You're like a Tom Jones concert, in full pelvic thrust, and you really, really don't have to be beautiful to be my girl. I just want your extra time and your kiss. Except for Mr. X. Who is evil and should be destroyed. That's all I have to say about that.


TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Have you ever had an ice-cream headache? Or had a massive toothache from chewing on a Rolo? Well, that's your month in a nutshell! Bye!

Ok, yeah there's more. August: Sometimes sweet, sometimes painful. The upside is that something you thought was sweet -- and later gave you a headache -- only gave you fits because it was ALL WRONG for you. Also, this whole food metaphor? It's all about your house. Living situations, property, moving, owning, buying something, I DON'T KNOW, I'm not psychic! But something will go wrong because it wasn't a good fit for you. And now all I can think about is ice cream. Thanks. Really. Stuck at work and got no ice cream. THANKS A LOT TAURUS.


GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Take pictures this month. Record everything you do for posterity. I'm tired of hearing you say you can't believe the summer is over, the holidays will be here before we know it, blah blah blah. You have so much energy sometimes I fear you'll run yourself ragged, so slow down long enough to take one really great photo a day. You're so lucky. I want to be a Gemini. Your August looks so fun! So much activity! Share? Please? I'm right next door in Cancer....


CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Cancers will work a lot, and stuff they cannot even pronounce will spontaneously break and also, they will want to eat ice cream.

Oh. That was me. Whoops!

Being a Crab, I find it hardest to dish on my crustacean family. But let me tell you this: get your ass off the couch and start making a budget. Money is the word of the day, the month, and the next two years, so the sooner you take the buck by the horns, the sooner you'll be out of debt and flush like the cash whore you dream of being. Also, let's do a Crab experiment this month: For one 24-hour period, don't take shit off anyone. Then wash, rinse and repeat for the next day and the next....

Oh. And um, is it just me? Or are ya;ll breaking stuff, too? With your mere magnetic presence? I'm just curious. Ahem.


LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I know you think you are the only self-centered one in the world, and you also feel a twinge of guilt about it, but darn it, the world does revolve around you! Start making lists this month. If you don't write down all your fabulous ideas, how will we ever be able to applaud them? And buy a nice notebook to write in, it will make you feel more in control. Saturn is in your house for two good years, and Saturn likes you better than it did Cancers, because you won't cry so much as ponder. Best to write it all down from the very beginning. Which is now. In case you didn't get the hint.


VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
I am so happy I have ya'll to keep the house tidy. Thank you for folding the laundry, thank you for putting away the dishes, thank you for arranging my canned goods in the cupboard. But what about you? What have you done for yourself lately? Forget about dusting the goldfish. You might think we will disrespect you, but we really want you to be selfish for a change. This is a good month for lolling around contemplating your navel; Mercury is in retrograde and ya'll are all Mercury people, you Virgos. Think big thoughts, do a little bit of nothing, carve out time to be alone. Loll. It's important.


LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Well, it's August. All these other signs are so energetic. But ya'll, Libra is TIRED. Almost as tired as me and all the breaking technology. You've been working your ass off, too, and yet, look! Baby still got back! Rather than hibernate, start looking for balance in all the wrong places. You'll want to take a vacation ... but at the same time all these new happy social events will call your little Libra name. Go! Do! Be happy! I'll be over here in the Cancer corner dreaming of vacations for us both. And, also, probably breaking the Internts. You go have fun! Mwah!


SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
You electric Scorps are in rare form, and everyone is bowing down to the greatness that is YOU. Have pity on the small people this month, or else you'll find yourself all alone and friendless with no one to love you. Actually, that last part isn't true, I just made it up. You'll always have friends. You sexy damn Scorpios! You really are gonna shine up this August. I wish I were a Scorpio this month. I'd be sexy at work, too, instead of The Girl Who Cannot Use The Phone Because She May Break It. Something is going very right at work for you, or is it a new job? I can't tell. I'm kind of lazy and half-ass hurried this month. But you! On fire!


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
When I was a little girl, my mother gave me only one piece of advice. "Keep your panties on." It's advice you'd be wise to follow this month, since you've been taking off your panties left and right, whoring yourself out at your job, for your family, for your friends, for people you barely know. And yet you haven't had one good shudder for all your trouble. You're a kind soul. Keep your panties on. I love you. But the panties? Seriously. Keep them on.


CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
It must be really hard to be so pragmatic. I like that you never seem to need overdraft protection, but I sure wish you'd remember your dreams in the mornings....

Ok, that's what I started writing.

But whatever, ya'll, I mean yeah, sure I'd like you to be more dreamy and shit, but let's be honest. My two best friends are Cappies and THANK GOD. They help me with all the stuff I suck at, like managing money and setting up the logistics of my life, and that is a beautiful thing. Also, the logistics of life will happen a lot this August for Caps. (Or Corns? What do you think?) Thank you for not getting mad at me when I forget how to add. I love ya'll Cappy Corns.

Posted by laurie at 05:01 PM | Comments (65)

July 01, 2005

July 2005 Hor-O-Scopes

Note to all signs:
That stupendous planetary behemoth named Saturn is finally FINALLY moving out of Cancer on July 16. The big planets way out there in our solar system -- like Saturn and Jupiter and Neptune -- are the Large Marge elements of the zodiac. They come into your house, stay way too fucking long, eat you out of house and home and heart, and teach you all these life lessons you were sure you could live without thankyouverymuch. Even signs not directly in Saturn's path will feel the change at the end of the month. Except, uh, Leo? Hope you made up the guest room, because Saturn is moving into your house. So long and thanks for all the memories, Saturn! Enjoy Leo! See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Saturn has ruled your 6th House for two years, sucking the fun out of your day-to-day. You've learned important lessons. For example, you now know that games are only fun when both players are equally interested. And there are some games that have no winners. Still don't see where this analogy is taking us in July? Spend this month consciously playing mental checkers: Move forward, never backwards, and don't be afraid to double your power. Jump over your obstacles rather than get trapped, and keep your eye on the other side of the playing field. Be flexible. Most importantly -- if it looks like a stalemate, don't play nasty just to win.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Wax museums are clever places. For the price of an entrance fee you can see people posed in all sorts of dioramas, perfectly capturing a moment, forever frozen in time. If you were carved in wax, what scene from your daily life would be assembled around you? Would it be the image of you pouting because no one loves you enough? Or would it be the time you didn't speak up, or the time you didn't make a decision? Ah, Pisces. With Saturn leaving your 5th House (the 5th house rules love, fun and creativity -- which, by the way, Saturn totally sucked dry) on July 16, you're better-placed than ever to solidify a romantic or creative pose. Wax optional.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Lately I have been watching Spanish language TV, well... just the telenovelas. Spanish soap operas have a little something for everyone: tons of dramatic pauses, lost loves, plot twists, longing gazes, ominous music in the background, fantastic sets with great furniture. Imagine that your July is a steamy summer telenovela, set in a lovely villa on the beach. Plenty of bump and grind, rhythm and rhyme, with dialogue like "want, need, desire." Now you get to fill in the blanks ... what is it you want, need, desire, Aries? Before you can indulge in your happy ending, you have to sort out the twists and turns of the plot, made much easier by Saturn leaving your 4th House in mid-July. All the bad luck and high drama you've had with home-related matters will start to smooth out like a well-written season finale. Fantastico!

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Saturn is leaving some of us and encroaching upon others, like you darlin' Taurus. But it won't be the horror story I've had -- in fact, Saturn will move into your House of Home Stuff starting mid-July and all the turmoil you've been getting from your up-in-the-air living situation will calm down a little with the seriousness of Saturn. Now's a great time to make up a new superstition. For example, each time someone tries to make you feel unsettled, knock once on wood and then dump dog poop on their shoes. Your job this month is to conjure up your own little wives' tale. Pretend your wrist-watch is a powerful talisman. Each time you're up against another muckraker or manipulator, use your talisman instead of apologizing for things that aren't your problem. Don't worry, it can be something as simple as "Look at the time! Gotta go!" And Saturn will back you up, you lucky dog. Sans poop.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Summer is here. Take some time to inventory your SPF -- Sabotage Potential Factor. Who or what is currently dragging you down, keeping you burned, blistered and red in the face? Forget about the wave of bad financial karma incurred during Saturn's two-year stay. Saturn -- that pissant of planetary poverty -- is leaving your financial house on July 16 and money matters will begin to turn green and lush by month's end. Now is the time to be the big summertime blockbuster, the sizzling mid-season replacement for mediocrity. It's finally your turn to scrutinize who or what in your life is standing in as your personal Roger Ebert, holding the perpetual thumbs down. Purge! Cleanse! Vaccuum! Do whatever it takes to loosen up, enjoy summer, relax, socialize and be the star of your own summer movie.

* * * * *

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Bye Saturn! Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out of my 12th house of HELL! So long and thanks for NOTHING!

Cancerians get the longest Hor-O-Scope here, because I am a Cancer and because we've had to put up with more crap since early 2003 than any other sign, bar none. Saturn has put the screws to us, sitting right in Cancer since June of 2003 and ya'll, WE ARE TIRED. Even though we've lost some of our softness, lost some of our faith in the world, we're resilient little creatures and the stars say the months ahead will finally let us be happy again. (Of course, as a Cancer who has lost my faith in life, I almost don't believe it. But then again, I'm a Cancer. I NEED to believe it's going to get better. I need to have faith. Such a little contradiction, us crabs.)

So, Saturn is finally exiting on July 16 and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. Crabs born later in the sign (those mid-July babies) won't feel the relief as intensely at first, but it will come. Listen, it hasn't been easy for any of us since early 2003. And the full moon around the 21st will make you think Saturn is back to torment you, but after that you should be able to FINALLY finally, once again, breathe. We're tough little crustaceans of the zodiac, but we're too soft for this Saturn shit. I'm ready for it to be OVER. Aren't you?

* * * * *

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I wish they had a Driver's Ed class for navigating your family. With Saturn moving into your sign and making family a central issue, even a little handbook would be helpful right about now. Suppose you could test drive your family and find out what their speed limits are and how safely they can parallel park before you burden them with too many expectations. You'd know the rules of all the interpersonal highways and byways, and you wouldn't be taken off guard by sirens or strange left turns. Well, while we're waiting for the Interpretive Guide To Driving Your Family Life, let's start by laying down our own ground rules. Respect the currently posted limits, watch for signals, negotiate curves with caution, and try to arrive on time. It's a good start to a two-year Saturnfest, Leo, when you'll be forced to have patience and put a cap on your road rage.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Kin Hubbard once said that "the only way to entertain some people is to listen to them." I know it seems trifling and boring to listen the rest of us, day in and day out. We're not talking fast enough for you, or getting to the point as quickly as you'd like. Your first impulse is to turn a deaf ear to the incessant chattering. But beware -- you could miss out on some valuable eavesdropping. Your next move will be determined by something that will be said to you in conversation this month, let's hope you're listening and not just nodding while mentally planning your grocery list. Saturn's move out of your house of work and career will give you a much-needed break from professional strife... and the office gossip could be juicy, so listen up, Virgo. With both ears.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You are in need of nourishment... not the meat-and-potatoes kind, but a real meal of critical success, a full buffet of acknowledgement and reward. Now is the perfect time to look at the menu and decide to eat all the good stuff life can cook up. There are more vital nutrients and vitamins coming your way now that Saturn is laying off your sign and easing up on the pressure both career-wise and personally. Don't forget to order up a healthy serving of heightened awareness, followed by a dessert of whipped emotions. Oh, and by the way... you can't get this meal home delivered, you have to go out to find it. Hint, hint.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Um, hi. How you doing? Because, well. Saturn. And you. Going to get very close for the next two years as you have this big planet hanging out with you at work. Good news: Boy, will you get a lot accomplished! And people will love you! And you'll be a shining star! Bad news: Dude, a planet is riding shotgun with you to work every day. There's a fair amount of heaping praise coming your way on the career front -- and, because of Saturn, a fair amount of hard work as well. There's only one way to handle this: with a metaphor. Let's say your grandfather's beautiful pocketwatch stops ticking: immediately take it in to be fixed and polished, and always treasure its unique beauty. When you're late to work (again!) because your crappy, ugly, unreliable, piece of junk alarm clock died in the middle of the night, be glad to be free of it. Yes, this is a metaphor for something in your life that is broken and you have to decide whether or not it's worth fixing. And no, it's not an alarm clock.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Some people look great in those loud Hawaiian shirts that have scenes featuring surfboards, coconut trees and pineapples. Other people wear those shirts and look like they had an accident in a bowl of fruit. That's because creative expression is uniquely personal, and when you try to meld into a style that isn't genuine ... well, you can end up looking like a casualty on the Fashion Freeway. Better to trust your instincts, especially in the coming weeks. An outside influence is going to make you believe you're the Hawaiian shirt-wearing kind, even if you're strictly a T-shirt girl at heart. Chin up! Saturn is exiting your money house and you will finally be able to afford to change your look as many times as you need before you get it just right.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Next to Cancer, ya'll have had the worst time with that shitheel, Saturn. It's especially drained your emotional fuel tank these past few weeks. The cost for filling up your Cappy engine can be exorbitant -- gas prices notwithstanding. But finally, the time is right for you to drive the car of your own life. Take an alternate route this summer and you won't be disappointed. Capricorns will be able to see clearly, breathe deeply, enjoy the scenery and maybe even love a little. I can see a road ahead that is marked with gratifying pit stops and unlimited natural resources. There will be people along the way who may be asking for a free ride -- don't let that discourage you. No one can see more clearly into a person's itinerary than you, Capricorn. Trust your internal navigation system and you'll get unlimited miles per gallon.

Posted by laurie at 11:15 AM | Comments (64)

June 01, 2005

Hor-O-Scopes: June 2005

June. Astrology. I still haven't decided about Hor-O-Scopes and their place in knitting, crazy cat lady stuff, whining, wine, and the general poor grammar of my personal manifesto here. But I like doing hor-o-scopes for now and I'm so damn excited about Saturn leaving on July 16 I could just pee my pants. Saturn has tried to kick my ass, along with the collective asses of Sag and Gemini and Capricorns, too, and I really think I'm going to hold a little Bon Voyage & Thanks For All The Crap! party at my house come mid-July.

Not that I have any bitterness. Damn planet of hellfire and brimstone. Mumble mumble.

And, you know, don't let your babies grow up to be astrologers. Don't let 'em light candles and write their own stuff, let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Imagine you're a novel. Part romance, part mystery, part B-list horror. If you want to increase the number of steamy pages between your covers, you'll need to start making your own plotlines and conjure up some serious dialogue this summer. Start small, by picking out a love interest. Oh, wait. You're already one step ahead of me! June is the month to get your butt in the car for a little road trip so the novel of your life contains some travel and adventure, too.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Pisces esta en la casa. Yes, that's right, Pisces is in the house this month! And in the closet, the garage, the bathroom and the kitchen. Every time you turn around you'll see your humble abode as one big Trading Spaces Marathon. Rather than focusing on the imperfections of your home and getting bogged down in detail, show your annoying inner critic the door and change the locks while you're at it. If you loosen up the perfectionism a bit, you will free your artistic side -- or at least channel Bob Vila from time to time.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
If you put up with anymore shit this month I'm seriously going to suggest you invest in a big pair of rubber boots and start calling yourself a pig farmer. What is it with people lately and their obsession with mud-slinging crapfests? Until your name is on the Presidential ballot, declare your life a rumor-free zone. If people want to take potshots at you, tell them to do it to your face or get a new hobby. Then take a well-deserved vacation mid-summer and to hell with 'em.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Have you ever heard of the literary term "the hole in the narrative?" It's the description of a piece of literature that has a missing piece -- the narrator or the main character or the plot itself is simply missing. And you have to fill it in. Your life for the past few months has had a hole in the narrative. Until now, you weren't sure what thread held all the pieces together, because it was the one element totally hidden from you. The bad news is that I don't know what's missing either. The good news is that you'll have no trouble finding it yourself by July 28, even though you may discover someone in your inner circle isn't quite the person your thought they were. More good news: Money money money. Money! Neptune is in your corner and your bank account will enjoy it!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
The famous and rather ill-fated Southern writer Ambrose Bierce once said that beauty is "the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." Ya'll know all mysteriously dead Southern writers are telling the truth about beauty. That is a fact. Attraction could launch a thousand ships, stop a clock and at the same time drive a person mad. This has always fascinated me. Everyone within a ten-mile reach of a Gemini this month will get a taste of attraction, since you have the charm and beauty planets aligning in your favor. You'll also benefit from Saturn leaving my sign -- Cancer -- and you'll have more opportunity for throwing money at your beauty bag by mid-July.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Dear Diary, I'm about tired of this Saturn shit. Saturn has been screwing up my life for almost two years now and I have had ENOUGH. I am so ready for my new boyfriend, Mars. Mars is coming to make sweet love to my house of success starting June 11. And Saturn? Yeah he's trying to stick around. Like the smell of old fish. But come hell or high water, Saturn will leave my house on July 16th and I am throwing a party, FAREWELL BASTARD SATURN!! As usual, us Cancers are looking forward to our birthdays, too, so we can make lists of all the things we need to be and do and have in the coming year. Diary, Birthday Resolutions are so much more powerful than New Year's Resolutions. Don't you agree?

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Your forecast is actually quite simple, not only for the month of June but for the whole damn rest of the year -- stop spending so much time in your own head. Sing out loud, ask questions, say "Yes" when you mean YES and "No" when you mean NO. Work will be a heavy hitter in your life this month and maybe even a little stressful, so when you need to talk ... don't wait for the phone to ring. Instead, try this really ancient Chinese secret: pick up the phone yourself and make the call. Ask for what you need. All this self-analysis and soul-searching really boils down to one thing: We can't read your mind!! We're just a bunch of regular zodiac joes, and you have to be patient with us. Thanks! We really do appreciate it!

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Some people get really fixated on little things, like dust mites. Small, not able to be seen with the naked eye, but ever present and totally annoying. Sound familiar? Your fixations and anxiety are your choice -- don't while away your time and energy this month trying to eliminate a million tiny worries. Instead try this: Pick one big worry, and choose five minutes a day to consciously worry about it. Really concentrate. When your five minutes are up, let it go. (Well, hey, it's worth a try!) With two perfectly aligned full moons in the next six weeks, you're going to have more exciting offers than you can shake a stick at, all career- and job-related and all pretty good. Unless you treat them like dust mites and worry worry worry them to death.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
If I had to associate you with a summer movie right now, we'd probably be showing a cross between National Lampoon's Vacation and Jaws 3 (in 3-D no less!) I'm not suggesting you'll be attacked by a shark driving a station wagon, I'm just saying that you'll have your fair share of travel and adventure before summer is out ... if you don't let your fear of mishaps and near-disasters keep you from getting out of the house. There will be some challenges to your plans that may lead to a slight June Gloom, but by mid-July you will be able to look back and laugh it all off (in 3-D, no less!)

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Count up your nickels and dimes, ya'll, because the mantra this month is "money." Or, rather, the total lack thereof. Don't even bother looking through that catalogue -- and put the mouse down right now! Bad eBay, bad! Relegate your credit cards to the underwear drawer for all of June or you'll be crying in your generic brand Cheerios come July. Cheer up, summer is one of the few times it's easy to be broke -- the great outdoors is calling, and it requires fewer clothes. Plus, Mars is moving on in and making you feel all healthy and energetic so the money crunch won't feel like a complete vise grip.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You know that strategy you've developed for dealing with your life when it seems peculiarly murky and incomprehensible? The one where you lock yourself up in your room with the covers pulled up to your head and watch reruns of "Divorce Court" while groaning from time to time? I hate to be the one to tell you, but your plan won't work this month. The reason? Saturn. Saturn is finally, finally about to leave and you need to be alive and kicking to see it go! Crawl out of hiding, grab a notebook and a pen and plant yourself somewhere outdoors this month for serious contemplate-your-navel time. Don't miss the opportunity to soak in what you think you're missing. Saturn is leaving! By July 16th you won't even remember "Divorce Court." Really!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Any little change will make you feel slightly out-of-step this month, and that's a very, very good thing. All these little quirks that upset your daily routine will just illuminate a hidden gem of your Capricorn Personality To-Do List that you've either checked off or made serious strides on achieving. What I'm saying here is that you've changed a lot more than you give yourself credit for, and when Saturn leaves us (bye Saturn! Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out!) you'll be able to clearly take stock of where you are and where you need to go. More semi-good-news: Another full moon in Capricorn in July will finally wrap up that one nagging situation you just can't seem to control.

Posted by laurie at 12:31 PM | Comments (41)

May 01, 2005

Hor-O-Scopes

In honor of my mom's birthday -- today! May 1st! -- I thought I'd dust off my past career as a faux astrologer (oh, the things ya'll don't know about me ... and the things you never will...) and bust out a May Hor-O-Scope just for her. But I felt sad leaving the other eleven signs out to dry. You know how I am. So, on a trial basis only, here are the May 2005 Hor-O-Scopes, and happy birthday!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
This is a good time to take up a new sport, buy a new bag, sing a new song and try a new perfume. This is not a good time to trust a new love salesman, make strident accusations or get a daring haircut. You might feel all giddy and ready to rumble, but you'll end up with a black eye and a painful headache if you venture out of the comfort zone this month. Plus, any drastic change you make to your hair will be immediately regrettable. Hey, I'm just telling you what the chart says, don't shoot the messenger.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
The word giddy is sorely missing from your vocabulary these days. Make a mental note to bring back some woozy, lightheaded fun to your spring. Each time you find yourself trying to hole up in your little room, you must force yourself to play in the sandbox with the other kids. You don't have to play nice, and you don't have to play fair, but you do have to leave the confines of your solitary little life and have some social interaction. The reason? If you don't get outside and play, you'll see yourself turn into the spitting image of your mother even sooner than you suspected. (Sorry, moms!)

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
I suggest you declare yourself Queen of the Zodiac and have a parade for yourself. You have handled the first quarter of the year with astounding fortitude and although that rocky week or two right after the new year made you feel completely inadequate, you masked it with a wellspring of cockiness. Your newfound energy and enthusiasm is infectious, so why are some people in your radar still dragging behind? Have no fear, your energy this summer will eclipse their moon of sloth. And if your friends still can't get their butts in gear, there's really only one way to cope with such slackerdom: Bribery. Use it as a last resort.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
A recent poll shows that 65% of Taurus girls are undecided. One of my Taurus girlfriends told me last week she felt "very unsure" about her future. Which begs the question -- can you be very not sure? Is it actually possible to feel extremely neither one way or the other? Can something be terribly ambiguous? Are you confused yet? Let's just call a moratorium on wishy-washiness this month and make a decision or two. Shall we?

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I'm part Gemini, did you know that? Ya'll, I'm a half-breed. So I can understand your headstrong and fancy free ways. This month is gonna be a doozy for most signs in the zodiac, and unless you insulate yourself away at Camp Gemini, you'll have to deal with us sooner or later. Rather than give up on all of humankind, just take a step back and don't let yourself be drawn into our petty skirmishes. Go off and do your own thing, and we'll work it out by mid-July when Saturn is finally OUT OF HERE.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
I got a little shiver. Something in your life is giving you cold feet -- it's possible that you have wedged yourself into this situation like an iceberg, and you simply don't want to budge. Feeling cold-hearted as well? That nagging distrust of yours is frosty enough to freeze hell over ... twice. Have all these frigid metaphors left you cold? Whatever you do, don't freeze me out -- I'm just suggesting you need to give this one up cold turkey, and get a move on into some warmer climate. Take that risk while it's still fresh, and spend some time in the warmth of a close friend's company this month. And no cold shoulders, miss! Especially to those who are trying to help you thaw.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
"Necessity is always the easiest excuse..." Isn't it? Lately, you "need" to do this, "should" do that, "must" be more than you are. It's an excuse ... and it's bad for the complexion. Leo girls know it is far easier to rely on other people's expectations than to fully realize your own hopes for yourself. Do you really need to fill all the obligations on your long, long list? Who knows what kind of startling revelations and sexy close-calls you'll have once you stop being a "should" girl. I'd like to see you use a little more "so what?" and a lot less "I'm sorry." Don't apologize to a single soul today. Take the biggest helping, order yours first, cut in line. You might find a little selfishness is a good thing.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Let's see if this sounds familiar: A combination of scientific and spiritual sides, one part of you seeking to believe, another caught in an eternal doubt. A listener who loathes always being the quiet one. A loner who wishes for social graces yet despises public gatherings. Am I getting warm? If someone close to you shocks you this month with a startling revelation that they are in fact the two-headed love child of Barbie and G.I. Joe, do not be alarmed. It is merely the trickery of spring, when people reach out to define themselves before a new summer begins. You can do a little self-defining of your own, you know. Don't leave to fate what you'd rather do yourself.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
The obsessive desire of Americans to own all the space between Plymouth Rock and the Pacific Ocean was called "Manifest Destiny." I like the sound of that phrase, it contains some mythical feeling of God-given rights to spread out and be spacious. I grant you, this month, the right to your own personal Manifest Destiny. Usurp your own power, reclaim forgotten spaces, make room for the wide open expanse of summer. Stake your claim in the future and make strides to get there sometime this century.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
There is an ancient saying, "There's no fool like an old fool." John Heywood first recorded this proverb back in 1546, in the dusty days of ye olde fooles. Since it is nearly summer, Scorpio, and old man Saturn will soon exit the building, I decided to resurrect this saying just for you. My pre-summer advice for scorpions -- don't fall for someone's same old crap this month, even if it's disguised as shiny, new crap. It's still crap.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Isn't there enough mundane and boring stuff in the world? Isn't it nice to have a little drama for a change? After all, even if the mystery and surprise is wrapped in a huge headache, you can simply blame the pain on your mind expanding. I mention this to you because you're always the peacemaker, and this month you'll need an extra dose of Pollyanna to keep your cool when someone tests the boundaries of their favorite shoulder-to-cry-on. But you know, it won't be dull ... and that's something.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Some incense, some chanting, some new-age mumbo jumbo boogie, and you're off on a spring soul cleaning of unparalleled proportions. It's akin to the big 50% price reductions at Bloomingdale's .... out with the old and in with the new. The only problem with all your chanting and singing and wafting of patchouli is that you don't have a serious mantra. I suggest something simple like MAKE HIM ADORE ME to help cleanse the soul and get you in the mood.

OK, so that's the May 1st surprise. A little known nugget about my past as a very poor, but likable, astrologer and a Happy Birthday to my mom. If this was simply the most retarded post you have ever read, or if you think Hor-O-Scopes should make another appearance next month ... I am no longer accepting feedback via mental telepathy and all. Heh.

P.S. Ya'll, don't let your babies grow up to be astrologers. Don't let 'em light candles and write their own stuff, let 'em be doctors and lawyers and such.

Posted by laurie at 05:15 PM | Comments (44)