February 3, 2012

Ridiculous New Software

Is it working?
Want to test the comments?
It says it is accepting comments, but a global setting may be in override. Let me fiddle with it... more to come...

UPDATE: Some brainiac at MT thinks it's a good idea to make you approve each comment? Really? This is what ya'll call advancement in software?

If someone can give me a quick fix for problem #1 of 5,0000 let me know. All comments should flow with no filter. JEEZ MUTHAEFFING PLEEZE.

Posted by laurie at 8:23 PM | Comments (7)

January 20, 2012

And then there was the time I pressed that button.

Comments have been disabled site-wide in preparation for the upcoming software overhaul. It's not a precursor or a dark foreshadowing of a comment-free future, it's just for a few days. So we don't break anything. (Again.)

While prepping my server for the upgrade this morning, guess what happened! I sort of deleted the entire database. Yes, that's right, I pressed a button and *poof* like magic all eight years of writing and cat pictures and navel-gazing and comma splices disappeared. Gone. Finished.

Luckily I have a remarkable server company (pair.com, if you need the best hosting on the planet) and John at the help desk was able to restore my database from a backup and he didn't even laugh at me (much) when I offered to come to his house in Pennsylvania and show him my thanks in person. By cleaning his house of course! Duh.

It sounds all funny and whoopsy and easypeasy now but readers, what I experienced this morning was a full thermonuclear meltdown. When I realized my error -- just after ruining years of work but just before finding solace in the soothing dulcet tones of Help Desk John -- I experienced a mix of physical and psychological insanity that I have only felt once before in my life.

When I was thirteen my mom left my adorable, perfect, blonde baby brother Eric in my care at the Acadiana Mall in Lafayette, Louisiana for one hour. It was hard being a mom to two awful teenagers and one crying (but adorable) baby, so I do not blame her for trusting her youngest and most adorable child to a permed, bracefaced kid with a deep obsession for Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes. While I was using my allowance to buy a pair of acid-washed denim jeans with zippers at the ankles, my little brother vanished in the middle of Express. He was only hiding under a rounder of long, flammable rayon dresses but those few minutes when he was missing and not answering my frantic calls were the worst moments of my life. My adorable brother was missing, and probably being sold on the black market, and I was SO GROUNDED and would never be able to live with myself or wear my cute new jeans.

Then of course we found him and I made him promise to never tell what happened. As soon as our mom picked us up in the food court he told her exactly what happened and I was SO GROUNDED. But it didn't matter, really, because I had my little brother safe and sound and I had my acid washed jeans with the tiny ankle zippers and all was well in the universe and one day Nick Rhodes would come to Bayou Nowhere, Louisiana and marry me.

My point here is that you should never push the delete button without first backing up the database. And even then, go shopping instead of deleting. Listen to some old Duran Duran songs. Call your mother. Do whatever it takes to keep from nuking your life's work. There is more to life than a tidy file structure, OK?

Posted by laurie at 2:28 PM

January 9, 2012

Mayan Calendars, Mayan Onions

Did you make any New Year's resolutions?

I made a few small goals for 2012, assuming the planet stays intact. I love that NASA felt the need to issue a press release stating that the world will not actually end in 2012, it was comforting to those of us who enjoy a good press release with a glass of merlot. Those crazy Mayan onions and calendars! Predicting nothing but onion rings and apocalypse.

Since many people use the new year as a time to berate themselves for the onion rings of months past and start a new exercise regime, I thought this email from reader Kathryn was timely:

How do you separate the idea of exercise for weight loss from the idea of exercise just for the sake of it? Who exercises just for the sake of it?

You can almost hear the unspoken, "... you crazy weirdo!" at the end of the note. I can appreciate the strangeness of this idea, it's like getting a Brazilian bikini wax without getting any lovin' the next weekend. Who does that wacky nonsense?

Well, some folks.

Try to think back to a time before exercise was a mandatory condition for fitting into an arbitrary pair of jeans. What was it like to be a kid and want to go ride bikes? Or roller skate? Remember in the summer when all you wanted to do was stay in the pool just five more minutes? Please, mom? Just five more minutes!

When I was a teenager something fizzled and went wrong with the messages because exercise became about looks and sizes and weight. Untangling that took some time but was well worth it. (When I say it took some time, I mean "years.") I'm not sure the best way to untangle it for yourself. You may have to experiment with different activities and new motivations. What I can tell you for sure is that there are psychological benefits from exercise that you simply can't get from a diet. Bodies were meant to be moved around. I happened to find a simple, cheap thing I enjoy -- walking -- but it can be anything as long as it makes you feel good. Gardening is exercise. Cleaning house is an excellent workout (there's a little shout-out to my OCD homies! woot woot!) Yoga, swimming, softball, playing with the dog in the backyard, chasing a kid, these are all activities that can be as weight-neutral as nail polish.

Over the weekend I was walking in the Hollywood Hills and as I was midway up a particularly challenging slope, I heard the sound of bicycles wheezing up the hill.

"You can do it, Jonah!" said the dad. "Keep pedaling, buddy!"

It was a dad and two pre-teen-ish kids, a boy and a girl. The dad kept saying encouraging things to both kids to get them up the hill, and as they passed me I heard him say something that gave me a little stab.

"OK, Justine, we're almost to the top, make it this far and you've earned that ice cream!"

I cringed. I thought about how careless it was as a remark, certainly not intended to give a kid body issues for the next 30 years. But all the same it was the subtle beginning of associating a bike ride with work, earning, payoff. And associating food with work, burn, sweat it off. Can't a kid just go for a bike ride anymore? Do we really have to earn our ice cream? What the heck happened to us, people?

It used to be fun just to get on the bike and pedal hard up a hill. Remember? Before the Mayans had us on our last onion ring?

Posted by laurie at 2:38 PM | Comments (67)

January 6, 2012

One foot in front of the other

This first week of the year is known in my neighborhood for the appearance of two things:

1) Mysteriously growing piles of poor, dried-out Christmas trees on the curb.

2) A flood of new exercisers on the sidewalks each morning who are hell-bent on fulfilling New Year's Resolutions but haven't yet figured out you must push the button for the crosswalk to give you a walk sign. PUSH THE BUTTON.

Yes, it is true, if you arrive at the crosswalk first it is your duty to push the button. If you do not push the button in Los Angeles, you do not get the crosswalk man. Without the crosswalk man, people in cars think it is OK to drive into you. New exercisers, take heed.

A few days ago I got this message from Karen on Twitter who nudged me to say,

@crazyauntpurl, I could sure use another inspiring post about walking.

I'm not sure if this will inspire you or entice you to send me heavy medication, but below is a little graph, courtesy of Nike.com, that shows how much pavement-pounding I did in 2011:

(click to enlarge)

(Oh, so many things I wish we could merely click to enlarge.)

According to my Nike+ chip, in 2011 I completed 246 workouts, walked for 331 hours and 47 minutes and burned 187,681 calories. The calorie count is not accurate at all but is still amusing.

What's crazypants is that I walked an astonishing 1, 172.93 miles, which is just about the distance from my home here in Los Angeles to Oklahoma City. That tally doesn't count all the shlepping I did in Washington, D.C. (I forgot my sportsband that weekend) and it is all the more impressive since apparently I didn't move from my sofa for the entire month of January. Take that, New Year's Resolutions!

This is the time of year when every magazine and TV news program and website and weight-loss business cashes in on our perennial self-loathing and peppermint bark regrets and showers us with information on diet and exercise. Every cover story mentions cutting calories, working out, celebrity diet secrets and "Half their size!" (I bought it, by the way. I always buy that issue of People magazine. I am not immune.)

Inevitably each success story includes gems about "portion control" and "strength training twice a week" and "I allow myself a small piece of chocolate, but don't overindulge." I am waiting for the article that talks about accidentally ordering a large pepperoni lover's pizza to celebrate the day so-and-so made it through her first spinning class. Oh wait! That was me!

I feel proud of my imbalanced and simultaneously impressive graph of footsteps. It reminds me that one does not have to be perfect or even completely consistent to be successful at something. (No matter how you stack it, walking over 1100 miles in one year is a success.) But look at January -- nothing. Nada. And there were some slow dips mid-year when it was eleventy-nine hundred degrees outside and I was less than motivated to move. Still, by year's end I was a little walking machine. Lacing up my shoes and getting on the road is my favorite part of the day.

Now it's 2012 and I have so many goals for this year, so many hopes and keep-my-fingers-crossed dreams and to-do lists and tasks and work, work, work. At the beginning of every year I feel optimistic and hopeful. Secretly I also feel scared and worried about momentum. What does the year ahead hold?

When a slump comes or a month brings a whole lot of nothing, I want to look back at my little 2011 walking chart and remind myself that as long as I don't give up I can actually walk all the way from Hollywood to Oklahoma City one step at a time. It is perhaps one of my cheesier metaphors, and I don't care, I am the one after all who celebrated spinning class with a pizza.

It is important to note that two years ago I could barely walk around the block without needing a sherpa. For a whole year I would get up on the first day of each month and challenge myself: this month, take a small walk each day. I consistently failed. I would miss a day here, a day there, I don't think I ever made it the full 30 days for a whole year! But I never gave up. I just kept going, and one day I stopped counting days because all days were walking days.

Like most people I used to mix up exercise and weight loss. I thought that I had to exercise so I could lose weight, and that just made me irritated and guilty. I'm not sure when exercise and weight loss started to become separate ideas, but that split has certainly changed my outlook on movement. I like being outside and seeing all the people with their dogs and looking at the yards and storefronts and flowering trees. I like going to yoga (even though I have the worst Downward Dog in the whole class) (who sucks at Downward Dog??) I like my weird dance classes and I like hula-hooping.

On New Year's Day, instead of getting up and resolving once again to start a desperately determined exercise program I just laced up my shoes and went for a walk.

No one has time to exercise, you make time. I made time. I moved my whole life around to make time. No one likes getting started and realizing they're out of shape. No one enjoys the first trip around the block. And no one ever becomes perfect. Some people still order pizza as a reward for pedaling a bike to nowhere.

The chart reminds me that perfection isn't the goal and that perfection will never happen. I finally get that you don't have to be perfect to accomplish something. I look at the chart and I realize I was flawed, I was erratic some days, I was not even on the pavement for a whole month -- and still I walked 1, 172.93 miles.

I just didn't give up. That's all I have to remember for 2012. Keep walking. Don't give up.

And push the button!

Posted by laurie at 10:54 AM | Comments (96)

December 29, 2011

Listmaking, Bonhomme Janvier, and other crazy white people things

By now you already know this little stretch on the calendar is one of my favorites, the end of an old year and the crisp optimism that comes with a brand-new set of months. All possibilities are back in play.

Yesterday I was at Umberto getting my hair cut and absorbing the wise counsel of Aharon, hair stylist extraordinaire, who knows more about people and human nature than almost anyone I have ever met. He also knows quite a bit about the right shade of blonde. Aharon has an assistant named Troy who is exactly the picture I have formed in my head of what the perfect assistant should be: funny, easy-going, happy and ridiculously good looking.

People, I plan to have an assistant one day. Along with a hefty insurance policy covering sexual harassment claims. And also I want to get a horn for my Dad that plays "Deep in the heart of Texas..." What can I tell you. I have lofty aspirations over here.

ANYWAY. Troy and I were chitchatting about New Year's Eve, I love to hear what everyone has planned for that night. Some folks are very contemplative and nesty on that night, some care nothing for it, some plan dramatic excursions to Hawaii or Las Vegas or go to big parties in the Hollywood Hills.

"Are you going out?" I asked Troy. "Your girlfriend is still in town on winter break, right?"

"Yeah, we might go out to a party." he said. "But I think my mom wants us to be with her. It's a Korean thing."

This is probably a good time in the story to mention Troy is Korean.

"What is a Korean New Year thing?" I asked.

"My mom wants us to go to church with her," he said. "In our culture we have a service just before midnight, like to get rid of the old year. Then there is another service right after midnight, bringing in the new year."

I thought this was one of the best things I had ever heard and I said so. I was so taken in by this idea that I was just about to invite myself along until he mentioned the whole service is in Korean and all of it lasts about three hours.

"Do white people have any crazy traditions like that?" he asked. "I've never heard any, not about New Year's anyway."

I enjoy being the representative for all white people, especially crazy white people. I feel I could take it on as an ambassadorship of some kind.

"Well," I said, "Southerners have all kinds of weird superstitions around the New Year, like you have to eat black-eyed peas on New Year's Day for good luck and even if you hate black-eyed peas you have to eat at least a spoonful or the year is done before it starts."

"Black Eyed Peas? Like the band?" he laughed.

"Oh they're better," I said. "Especially with hot sauce. And Cajun superstition is a whole 'nother ball of wax, because for Cajun people New Year's Eve was when Bonhomme Janvier brought little presents."

"Bahn ome who?" he asked.

"Bonhomme Janvier, he's the Cajun Santa," I explained. "And down in the bayou there's all kinds of stuff about sweeping bad news off your porch, and there's one superstition about whatever tasks you do on January first set the tone for the whole year. So you don't want to bury a body or scrub toilets or get scabies. You can only do happy things like eat and drink and get naked."

Troy tipped his head back and laughed.

"I don't think I've ever met any Cajun people, but they sound almost as nuts as us Koreans," he said.

"Oh trust me," I said. "Southern people and Cajun people are much crazier than Koreans. We might both be from cultures with good food, and you might even have the edge on spare ribs, but we have you beat on crazy. We invented drinking, I'm pretty sure."

He started to argue but I hit him with the last and very final word in crazy.

"We invented country music," I said.

I had won the argument. Do not even get me started on Zydeco!

Eventually I left, of course, one inevitably must leave the comfort of the Beverly Hills flat iron and return to the Valley floor. It was so warm outside that I zipped the windows off the Jeep and cranked up the radio. Driving up and around and through the canyon roads of Los Angeles on a balmy December day is like pure honey, there is nothing better. When traffic is moving and a good song is on the radio there is no other place in the world you want to be.

I thought about the few little squares left on my calendar, the last days of the year. In my head I started making a list, all my resolutions, my goals, my tasks, people I need to email, people I need to call, bills I need to pay, stuff I need at the market, I'm almost out of half-n-half.

I came around a curve on Crescent Heights and I was singing along with the radio, making my list, and out of nowhere I saw a guy on rollerblades walking a giant black poodle up a driveway. Or maybe the poodle was walking him. And it was 78 degrees on a December day at the very end of 2011 and in that one absurd moment it didn't matter who I needed to call. Everything would still be there in a few days.

All I had to do was stop at Ralph's and get a can of black-eyed peas. The only thing you must must do on New Year's Day is eat your black-eyed peas.

That and avoid burying bodies.

---

So tell me, I want to know: What is your New Year's tradition? What is your unique superstition? What is on your list? Do you eat your black-eyed peas, do you go to church at midnight, do you sweep the porch?

I love the New Year because it is the one night and day that everyone (all of us, hot Koreans and crazy white people and Cajuns and everyone in between) mark in the same way, flipping a new page on the calendar, recognizing the dawn of a new year.

How do you do it in your house?

Do tell.

Posted by laurie at 10:36 PM | Comments (198)

December 21, 2011

Three good things

There are eleven days left in 2011. The end of the year is always a tangled time especially for those of us who naturally bend toward insanity, but I like the dusting out of the old year and finishing up the last odds and ends. And this year has certainly had its odds and ends.

I'm going to spend the next eleven days finishing what I started, thinking ahead to a fresh new year, and on at least one occasion I will paint my nails bright red while watching a Nick & Nora movie.

My three things for today:

1) The weather is sunny and chilly and clear and I get to wear my Uggs, and that makes me happy.

2) I figured something out that I couldn't see until just this morning and I feel relieved and freed up by it. I love the way the brain works, all wrapped up in confusion and mystery and emotion and then one morning you wake up and *click*

3) Barbecue sauce.

What are your three things?

xo
laurie

Posted by laurie at 2:16 PM | Comments (170)

December 16, 2011

Earrings always fit

Yesterday I was at the mall returning a T-shirt. I'm not sure which Einstein in the fashion world thought it was a good idea to create a black T-shirt that requires dry cleaning but I can assure you, dear friends at Macy's, no matter how cute that little top is I will not be dry cleaning a shapeless pocket-front T-shirt.

While I was standing at the sales desk waiting for my return to be processed a man approached the sales clerk.

"What size is a large?" he asked, holding up a dress for the clerk to see. "Is this a large?"

She checked the tag inside.

"Large is really more, well, anything starting at size eight and up is the large range," she said. "Eight, ten, twelve..."

I must have cocked my head to the side like a puzzled basset hound. A size eight is a large? Perhaps my brain was working so hard on digesting it that I made noise, because the man looked right at me.

"What size are you?" he asked.

"UH. WELL," I said. "It often depends on the item."

(And the crowd goes wild, with an excellent save from Perry out of left field!)

The poor man was just standing there, holding up a hanger with a black dress, looking exhausted and defeated by the mysterious world of women's sizing. And in that moment I felt his pain. Because women's sizing is just ridiculous and it's Christmas and anyway the fourteen-year-old sales girl thinks a size eight is a LARGE.

"OK," I said. I turned to face him. "Is she smaller than I am? Or bigger?"

"Oh thank you," he said. "I'm completely lost here." He scrutinized me for a minute.

"She's taller than you are," he said. "And she's definitely bigger than you are. Maybe not on top but bigger in the middle."

The clerk made a little giggle and the man suddenly realized what he'd just said. His face started to turn red. I couldn't help it. I laughed.

"Well let's all be glad you're not lingerie shopping today," I said. "OK, if she's taller this isn't the right section anyway, this is all petites. Is it a gift? Does she need a dress for sure?"

"She likes dresses," he said. "Petites? I don't understand. Where does it even say that?" His voice had taken on the desperate sound of a man who had hit the shopping wall. He was out of oomph, his shoulders dropped even deeper into his collarbone. He'd been beaten.

In a moment of Christmas kindness I decided to level with the poor man.

"Look, unless you know for sure she needs a dress and unless you know her size and favorite style and unless you can be absolutely certain she won't clock you for buying her a LARGE, therefore telling her she is a LARGE, I highly recommend you go with jewelry. You can never, ever go wrong with jewelry," I said. "Or a gift card. One size fits all."

It was like seeing a man come out of a fugue state. He must have been trapped in the dresses section of the Sherman Oaks Macy's for a lifetime because the look of pure gratitude on his face was something out of coffee commercial. In that one moment you could see his brain forever abandon the gift of clothing, perhaps remembering some time in the not-so-distant past when his wife or girlfriend or concubine surprise-attacked him with a stealth does this dress make me look fat, honey?

"You're right," he said. "THIS IS NUTS."

"Jewelry is one floor down," said the helpful size-zero clerk, the one who believes a size eight is a tent dress. She handed me my return receipt and the man handed her the now-abandoned dress.

"OH! And just for the record," I said, smiling, "a size eight is a solid medium. It is definitely a MEDIUM."

Good grief, people.

Posted by laurie at 7:24 AM | Comments (155)

December 15, 2011

Thursday, the best day of the week

There must be a scientific reason that Thursday is the best day of the week. Perhaps it's all those good TV shows programmed for Thursday nights combined with the psychological midspace between week and weekend and the proximity to the future. Thursday feels closer to the future.

Here is Frankie relaxing in a single sunbeam:

She's been doing some light reading with If The Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D. Literate cats, what can you do? Speaking of dating, I'm wrapping up the magazine article I've been writing about digital dating so if you have any last burning questions you want to see addressed in print be sure to post them in the comments. And what about you? Since we last talked have you been dating? Have your experiences been good ones, funny ones, creepy ones? Are you still too terrified of the full-body picture to even begin?

I've discovered a through line in all the research I've done for this article. Most men and women simply want to feel appreciated and happy and attractive, no secret there. Some find the only way to be happy or feel good is to see themselves reflected back in the eyes of a partner. Others are on the very opposite end of the stick, at the first feeling of closeness or intimacy they close up tight, they bolt in self-protection. Human beings are fascinating little creations, aren't they? So much mysterious stuff all swirled up in a pair of jeans or a suit jacket.

Speaking of swirled up, the hippie downstairs has a new ladyfriend. She's a musician, too, and I've bumped into them several times at the locked gate, always fumbling for his keys. He's got his wild hair and funky T-shirts on, she's small and dark-haired with delicate features and her guitar strap has flowers embroidered across it. Yesterday they sat in his living room and they must have had the sliding patio door open because when I walked past his apartment on my way to the laundry I could hear them singing. It sounded pretty. It sounded like two people falling in love.

Posted by laurie at 7:58 AM | Comments (57)

December 13, 2011

Nineteen days

The year 2012 is just nineteen days away. Have you started pondering the fresh new year ahead or are you still mired down in traffic and giftwrap? Here in Los Angeles traffic intensifies as we crawl closer to Christmas, by Christmas Eve everyone is honking and gesturing madly at each other with the sign-language finger.

Today, however, it's beautiful in Hollyweird. The rain washed away the brown air and brought snow to the mountains and on my walk I had the perfect view of the city with mountains framing it, if I go back out later today I'll take my camera. There's a good resolution -- take more pictures. (You know you're a listmaker when you add "make new year's resolutions" to your to-do list.)

I made a special point of going to the grocery store yesterday when it was raining so that I could observe my fellow Angelenos in their rainy-day gear: plaid shirts, sweatshirts, pajama bottoms, Ugg boots. Everyone looked bedraggled and askew and sleepy.

This is such a funny place.

Posted by laurie at 1:11 PM | Comments (40)

December 5, 2011

Uh, just the cutest thing you will ever see in your life. That is all.

My brother texted this to me:

Puff the Christmas dog!

Posted by laurie at 1:15 PM | Comments (175)

November 28, 2011

Operation Occupy Honeybaked Ham: Successful!

I'm back in Los Angeles after a happyhappy trip to Florida to see my family.

There were nephews:

Andrew, cracking me UP.

Brett, handsome as always.

There was the boat:

My brother, the real captain.

Me, driving backwards.

Kelli and Brett just rolling with it.

Notice we aren't actually going anywhere. And how happy I am.

There was kid art:

Because honestly, what else is there but God, Mom and Xbox?

And of course there was Puff:

And a good time was had by all! Hope your Thanksgiving was happy and fluffy.

Posted by laurie at 1:28 PM | Comments (128)

November 13, 2011

The Process

When I was a little girl we lived in the country and I didn't go to school. I read everything and anything -- to this day I believe this is why I am terrible at math and positively enamored of words. We would make trips every few weeks to the public library and I was allowed to check out any book that interested me, no matter the appropriate age range. I read books the way people eat food, to live. I loved the smell, the feel, the escape of a book. Books were my life.

My job at age seven -- I took it quite seriously -- was to check the salt licks on the farm. A salt lick is a cinder-block sized chunk of salt and minerals used to attract the cows and wildlife. Can you believe I live in Los Angeles now, where we use Botox to attract the fawns? As a child I would walk out into the pastures through fields of cedar trees and scrub and I would walk and walk and walk and in my head I composed my stories. I was obsessed with the Little House books and I would roam the fields with thoughts of pioneer girls and create my mental scenes and I would work them in my head over and over and over until I couldn't contain it anymore. Then I would walk home and scribble it all down in neat little cursive in a dime-store notebook. My notebooks were my whole life, I kept them under my bed. I would pay anything today to have one of those notebooks.

Now I am forty years old and I write the same way I did as a small child. I get an idea and I work it in my head obsessively, walking, walking across the Valley, walking in a loop, on a path, cross here, pause there. I chew the dialogue, the ideas, the very words, all of it inside my head with comma splices included and I hear the sound of it and then one day I'm ready and I come home and sit down (usually with a glass of wine, but sometimes coffee) and it all comes out in a rush. I run it over an over inside my head as I walk and then I write, usually in a gush.

Writing essays was a natural fit, but a novel has been a test. How do you write a whole novel? I don't outline or card sort or spec out. I walk and I obsess. I have gleaned enough from other writers to know my process is infinitely weird but it works for me. And of course all that matters is what works for you, even if you are a ghost who roams the streets of the Valley to work out your dialogue issues.

There's no wrong way, that is what I'm saying. I have no idea if I'll make it. I have no idea if this risk I took will pan out. I worry, I wonder, and in the end none of us knows. But today I walked and I brought my characters with me and I had conversations in my head. What do you do with that? How do you live when your head is full of scenes? I have conversations in my head with my future, I have envisioned myself down to the shoes. Every minute and beautiful detail is measured out in words. All I want is a happy ending. But how can you know until you go through the scene?

Posted by laurie at 7:55 PM | Comments (315)

November 10, 2011

Snapshots in the Valley

Just some Tuesday things on a Thursday.

1) Seen in the parking lot of the Galleria:

You're a few states off, bud. But since we have no football team we'll let it stand.

2) The weeklong manicure, caught in a shadowy low-light iphone picture:

This photo of my little pink nails is solely for the benefit of those two picky people who constantly warn me I am single-handedly ruining feminism with my love of nailpolish and mascara and smooth beaches on the ladypond. Let's be free to be you and me, people. And when I am free to be me I will have on pink nail polish (that is Opi soft shades "sweetie pie" for those of you who also get your manicure on.)

A few weeks ago I read a little piece in Newsweek (I think, correct me if I'm wrong) about nail polish being the recession splurge. It's like the lipstick splurge of the war years, that one little luxury that makes you feel pretty in lean, grey times. I would post a picture of my red toes to prove the point that you really can dress up a pair of feet as ugly as mine, but since I prefer to believe feet don't exist I will skip that.

3) Rainbow in Sherman Oaks:

That's the view from the patio at Crave on Ventura and Van Nuys in Sherman Oaks. It was rainy and then sunny and then rainbow! People honked at it. That is how we roll around here.

4) Hat made entirely of discarded Taiyo colors:

I've been making a zillion and one hats out of Noro Taiyo (free pattern here) and in one of the colorways there is a spontaneous weird jolt of black and green and white. It shows up in the middle of purples, blues and pinks and it's just Noro-certified weird. So I started snipping the acid green and black parts and tying them together to make a big ball of goofy, funky yarn which is turning into an excellent goofy, funky hat. And you get some wildlife in the background just for kicks.

Posted by laurie at 11:35 AM | Comments (238)

November 6, 2011

Time Change

It's raining in Los Angeles. A rainy, lonely Sunday. It's good weather for drinking coffee, for writing, for feeling vaguely sorry for yourself.

The past three weeks have been a mini roller coaster, one that ended with a thud. So instead of talking about that, let's talk about good things. And there are good things: I got a manicure that lasted an entire week. I finally made it to the 900-mile mark (!) of walking on my Nike+ tracker. Bones is back on and Brennan is pregnant. My jeans fit. The Ralph's in my neighborhood started carrying my favorite kale salad.

What's on your good list?

Posted by laurie at 8:36 AM | Comments (288)

October 17, 2011

R. Lee Ermey learns to knit

Just got back from Washington, D.C. and on the plane to Burbank I sat next to a nice fellow who took an interest in my knitting. It took me two glasses of wine and about sixteen people gasping and asking the man for his autograph before it dawned on me he might be Someone. I did not know he was Someone, I just thought he was quite a character with his red boots and his salty language. He loved my knitting and he thought it would he high-larious for an ex-Marine such as himself to take up knitting as a hobby, proving once again that yarn unites everyone.

D.C. pics coming soon!

Posted by laurie at 9:50 AM

October 11, 2011

That's a lot of miles.

It's hard to get out of bed sometimes.

Early last week reader Liz posted this message:

This is just a note to say how inspiring it is to hear about your exercise. Not just this post, where you are "talking about it" but other posts where you casually refer to your walk that morning, as an ordinary part of your life. You are doing what we should all do - make a change so that exercise is part of our lives. Not something we really will get around to doing some day, or some super special new thing, but a genuine life change. It's harder to do than to say, or we'd all be doing it, so congratulations Laurie.

--Liz

Sometimes a comment sticks with me for a while, and I have thought about this one on and off during the week. I keep asking myself, "Have I made a lifestyle change?" It doesn't feel that way. Instead, it feels more like I have a lifestyle -- an unhealthy one -- and I'm just choosing to do the opposite of it.

According to my Nike sports band, so far in 2011 I have walked a total of 756.02 miles. That is a lot of miles and it's only early October! Also, apparently I didn't walk any in January (is that true? I think I still had an ankle injury then.)

My goal is to walk every single day. It doesn't always pan out, I might be injured or it's a million degrees or I just want to take a yoga class that day. But I walk a lot. For someone who is a serious couch potato at heart that is a giant accomplishment.

However, I'm not certain it's the grand lifestyle change we hear about on those TV reports about healthy living. As long as I can remember, every single diet book and article and news story about health talks up "lifestyle changes" as the key to good living. Obviously my lifestyle has seriously changed, but it's not the new autopilot. I didn't suddenly become a fitness enthusiast or a traveling preacher talking about the sin of the sofa. I love sitting on the sofa and watching TV. I love potato chips with a deep passion that no man has ever rivaled. I love food and wine and general sloth and gluttony. That hasn't changed one bit.

My "lifestyle change" is that I wake up every day and decide all over again that today I should go for a walk or take a class or ride the exercise bike while watching TV. It's a daily thing. Sometimes it's a daily slog.

I'm sure there are some people who do make a lifestyle change in the spirit that the diet books suggest. Perhaps these folks were more moderate in their lifestyle to begin with, so for them it's just a matter of trimming a little bit here or there and before long they have a new normal. I was way out of whack, though, on the extreme end of things and so I had to perform a gigantic lifestyle overhaul. I couldn't just cut out a soda a day, lose the miraculous ten pounds in a year and be balanced and happy. (For one thing, I don't drink soda. And I had way more than a ten pound problem.) Overhauling my life was scary and sometimes hard. Everything changed. And it didn't take root immediately -- several months passed before I got into it for real, and started making that daily decision to lace up my shoes and walk. There were long periods of backsliding.

Walking isn't just an activity for me, it's symbolic. It's a decision that starts the day and every other decision flows from it. Today I will move around. Today I will accomplish something. Today I'll take vitamins. Today I'll write, work, read a good book, declutter a drawer, have a healthy dinner. I know there's still the hovering ever-present problem of personal sloth: it's easy enough to go one or two days without a walk and string them together into a month. It's easy to eat too much or drink too much when you have a weekend guest and let that bleed over into next week, and next weekend.

Truthfully, my lifestyle default setting is textbook unhealthy and I have to work to make it different. I wish I were one of those people who genuinely lived to exercise, who only ate for fuel and nourishment. I like to eat because I'm hungry, or sad, or happy, or tired, or anxious, or because it's Tuesday. It's been over a year now of Lifestyle Changing and I'm basically the same old me. I still want to eat when I'm upset, I still want to stay in bed and watch TV every morning -- I just choose not to most of the time. I get up and decide to walk. I decide to have a good lunch. I decide that if I'm going to slink into a TV coma I better be on the exercise bike during half of it. I make the choice because it gives me hope for the future and happier feelings during the day.

While doing this thing I'm doing I've had to accept I may never find it exciting and awesome to exercise daily. It might be a decision I have to re-make every day forever. It's more routine these days and of course the effort is easier because my body is more fit and can do more activities. But it gets boring sometimes! BORING. Losing weight and gaining fitness through incremental diet and exercise changes is a slooooooow process. SLOW.

Sometimes I get bored and want to stop. Sometimes I get tired and want to stay in bed, or knit in front of the TV, or eat nothing but fast food. On those days I worry I will careen off into a ditch and never recover. Those are the days I walk even when I'm not motivated, I just do it because I promised myself I would. Maybe that is the lifestyle change -- keeping a promise to myself.

Even though it is slow and can be a drag sometimes it's worth it. In a few days I'm going to be seeing some of my family, an event which would normally make me panic about my weight. I grew up in a family that is obsessed with weight and slimness and I have always been the "fat" one, even when I was nowhere near overweight. Usually I get so nervous before seeing my family that I go on a crash diet, or I buy new fat-hiding clothes or I start a wine IV. Sometimes I just cancel, waiting until the magic day when I am skinny to visit with them. (Oh that magic day. It never comes.)

There's still a remnant part of me that feels worried and nervous I won't measure up but more than anything I feel happy to see my family. I haven't been crash dieting or hiding under a new pair of Spanx or drowning in skinnygirl margaritas (yet, always give myself the option!) I know I'm not rail-thin and never will be and that's life. I'm healthy. Or at least I feel healthy. I just walked 756.02 miles this year, of course I feel healthy! My main motivation for exercising every day is that I don't have to put off my life anymore, I don't have to panic. And since I still have a long way to go, panic isn't really a great option anyway.

How do you stay motivated over the long haul? What gets you up each morning making healthy decisions? What do you do when you feel the deep urge to hide under the covers with a bottle of wine and a snickers chaser? How do you motivate yourself to stay the course? I'd love to hear what's working for you!

Bob will nap while we discuss this.

Posted by laurie at 8:03 AM

October 10, 2011

That's going to be my spy name.

Posted by laurie at 12:59 PM | Comments (773)

October 2, 2011

Eighty-three days until Christmas!

I don't watch scary movies, but I do love the sensational fright that comes with the traditional October scare-fest known as OH CRAP THERE ARE ONLY EIGHTY-THREE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. Which there are as of today.

You're welcome, you're welcome.

This is going to be a productive month, I hereby declare it so. I'm finishing a scarf for my sister-in-law, which precipitated this conversation:

Me: I don't know if you wear scarves or even like them, but I made you one and I'm going to give it to you and you have to wear it at least long enough for me to take a picture.

Kelli: Alrighty then! Gotta run!

I'm also still walking each day, though I've broken it up with some stationary bicycling in the afternoons because it's less jarring on my poor aching back (and I can watch TV while exercising). In October I'm going to write, declutter and at least start to think about updating the database. That is my to-do list and I have it written on paper in colorful sharpies and posted in my office so I can see it yelling at me every day. Productivity, you will be mine!

The cats are unimpressed.

Earlier this morning I called Jennifer, she was in her car listening to Christmas music.

"Are you listening to Christmas music?" I asked.

"I couldn't help it," she said. "I went to Michael's for some craft supplies and I saw all the holiday stuff and I had to. I broke out the carols."

"It's supposed to get cold here and rain later this week," I said. "I am TOTALLY going to make hot spiced tea and listen to Christmas music and freak out my neighbors!"

"It is the most wonderful time of the year," she said.

It does feel that way, here on October 2nd, when the holidays still seem far away and unreal and there's still plenty of time to finish that scarf. But it's only 83 short days from today! Frightful!

Posted by laurie at 12:25 PM | Comments (596)

September 28, 2011

Wednesday: Winner and cat pictures

Good morning, Wednesday!

WINNER
The winner of yesterday's super-cute baby gift give-away is ... penis enlargement! OH JUST KIDDING. Though the spam is more aggressive that usual, don't you agree? The REAL WINNER is commenter Marie B. who has already been alerted by email. Congratulations! Plus, your prize is being delivered by someone other than me so it should arrive much sooner.

Thanks so much to the folks at Citrus Lane for offering up this sweet prize, and thanks to Kristy and Robin at Clever Girls Collective for getting me hooked up with it. Most of all thanks to all of you who participated! The comments were hilarious.

I set aside a whole pile of good stuff for great giveaways in October, including a ton of knitting books and scary books and yarn donated from readers and some yarn from my stash because I WILL be downsizing. (October -- I am looking at you. I see you. I will not beclutter you.)

And for the CAT PICTURE portion of the program... I am calling this series, "Frankie mourns the loss of toast."

Posted by laurie at 11:33 AM

September 27, 2011

Tuesday Give Away: FREE Deluxe Citrus Lane prize box of baby goodies

Oh, I love giving stuff away. I recently got a whole pile of stuff ranging from books to yarn to baby goodies to give away and today we're starting with this awesome gift box from CitrusLane.com:

In this box:

* SwaddleDesigns Marquisette Swaddle Blanket
* Pearhead Babyprints Tin
* Green Sprouts Organic Cotton Mitts
* Canopy Cards Baby Love Letter
* Cloud B Sleep Sheep Rattle
* Zoe Organics Mommy-to-be Bath Tea
* $50 Minted Gift Card

I'm always curious with these things if the box actually looks anything like the prize in the picture, so I got one in the mail and it totally rocks:

Granted, I have no idea what a lot of this stuff is for (Marquisette Swaddle Blanket? Is that different than cheap Target blanket avec cat hair?) but this box would make an AMAZING baby shower gift. I don't know about you, but I struggle at baby showers. Usually I don't want to go to them to begin with because people sit around talking about gross things like amniotic waters and placentas and there is a CAKE present. I understand that birth is part of the circle of life and you're happy you got knocked up and a baby is cute and so on. But I still have PTSD from the baby shower of 2003 where I was made to sit around a conference table at the bank while my old boss Mark talked about his wife's mucus plug, then four minutes late everyone cut the cake. I had to leave the room on an important conference call to anyone other than you people. Then I barfed a little bit in the trashcan.

Babies come out and it's messy and I am down with that, but not while cake is in the room, people. Let's have some boundaries.

So I have a tough time with the pre-baby parties and gifts. This may explain why I have often been the only person giving the new mom a bottle of tequila and a box of condoms with a card that reads "Better luck next time!" (Much appreciated, I'm sure.) The Citrus Lane box is not only adorably packaged but has all kinds of baby and mommy goodies in there I would never be clever enough to think of buying on my own.

And the best part? You can enter to win one deluxe gift box today! One lucky winner will win a super cute prize box with an assortment of neat-o new mom and new baby stuff.

Simply post a comment on this post to be entered to win. Please include a real email address with your comment, because that's how I will contact you. I never re-use or abuse your email addresses, it's a one-time only entry for this prize. If you do not want your email address to show on your comment (people complain about that, among other things, awesome) just put a URL in the URL field and your email address will be hidden in a trick-the-innernet kind of way.

Giveaway ends tomorrow morning when I close comments.

This promotion is a sponsored giveaway for my site so that means there is all sorts of fine print:

Read the Official Rules.
Variable Promotion Terms & Conditions:
Promotion Sponsor: Citrus Lane, Inc.
Promotion Start Date: variable by blog between 9/9/2011 and 9/30/2011
Promotion End Date: variable by blog between 9/12/2011 and 10/12/2011
How to Enter: Leave an entry on the Clever Girls Network blog post stating that you are interested in winning a Citrus Lane box.
Prizes: One Citrus Lane gift box
Total approximate retail value of all prizes: $45 (actual value may vary).
Winner Selection Date variable by blog between 9/12/2011 and 10/12/2011
Prize Selection: Administrator will randomly select the winner(s) from all eligible entries

Good luck! happy Tuesday!

- - -

This sweepstakes has now closed, with a winner to be announced soon. Thanks to everyone who participated!

Posted by laurie at 11:04 AM

September 22, 2011

Reader Q &A: I would like a dating timeline, please!

Today's reader question is one I get frequently, and it comes up every time I write about dating:

I just have a question that you totally don't have to answer. I obviously read your blog, and I've got your books. I'm two years out post-divorce and still really struggling with the whole thing. He's moved on already (read: he has a new lady) and you had a post a while ago about online dating. I know it's different for everyone, but how long did it take you to feel like you were ready to date? --Julie

Here is another version:

I am SO happy -- and unhappy -- to hear that you have found a way to date again ... I know that sounds horrible, but let me explain. I have been divorced for 6 years (and separated for way longer than that) and have yet to be able to get myself back into the dating game. I do have a child, so for years I have been using that as an excuse....YES it is TOTALLY an excuse. Over the last few months a few of my other single mom friends have started dating and then I visited your site to see that you also were taking the plunge. So I hated it only because I felt like more of a loser that I haven't been able to do it. All of this on top of the fact that I think my ex-husband will be getting remarried within the next year. With all that said -- HOW DID YOU GET YOURSELF TO REENGAGE?
Love you,
B.

Ladies, as much as I would love to give you a powerpoint slide with a dating graph and bullet points, I can't be your benchmark. What you read about me in a few carefully worded paragraphs each week is not a complete picture of my life. Comparing yourself to anyone -- especially a well-edited stranger -- is a recipe for disaster. One person could read this site and believe I got divorced and sat home alone for six years while another could read and believe I'm out every night of the week with a mystery man I keep private. Using another human being as your relationship pace car is a bad idea. The only person who can set your pace is YOU.

I could tell you my timeline in great historical detail but it wouldn't help. You will be ready when you're ready. That's the short answer.

One of the trickiest things about dating is all the input you get from well-meaning folks in your life. They want you to be happy, and they may believe the definition of being happy is being paired up so they urge you to pair up. "Date!" they say. "Go out, meet men, get back in the game! You'll meet someone!"

And sure, you will meet someone. It is not hard to meet someone, anyone can meet someone.

Loss and sadness and vulnerability are normal after divorce. After a split, you may feel empty, lost, sad, jaded, worried, restless, or all of the above. If you're picking a new partner from that vantage point, you'll make mistakes, like sleeping with a man too soon. Overlooking red flags. Agreeing to things you would normally hate. Ingratiating yourself. Focusing only on being asked on a second date. Pretending to be something you're not. Not even knowing who you are or what you want. Taking on another person's life (and drama) to fill a hole in your own. Picking men who aren't respectful. Looking for something to hold onto, even if it's a sinking ship.

You already know this. I'm not telling you new, groundbreaking information here. If you haven't been interested in dating again, there is probably a reason. You might not be ready. You might be happy with the life you have right now. You might be scared. You might be worried you're too fat/old/shy/busy. You might think dating is some big, huge life altering decision and that going on a date means you're ready to re-marry and settle down and that freaks you out.

Whatever it is, here are a few things to keep in mind about dating after divorce:

• You're not legally obligated to date again.
Yeah, I know, crazy, right? But you can stay single your whole life long if that is what makes you happy.

• Just because your ex moved on doesn't mean he is living on a love rainbow.
A man may move on five minutes before the divorce is even final, but it doesn't mean he is now living in a rose-scented land of unicorns and sparkles and bliss. It might mean he just upgraded to Bad Marriage Version 2.0 really quickly.

• It's a whole new world.
Right after a divorce you're still really focused on marriage -- even if you're focused on the demise of marriage, it's still marriage marriage marriage on the brain. This is a tricky spot. It's hard to see exactly what kind of choices are available for your future. After all, your choice was marriage and it ended and you're probably hurt and disillusioned. So what else is there? Perpetual divorcedom? That doesn't sound very awe-inspiring.

It takes time to let the possibilities percolate again. There are many different lifestyles that work for people -- living together, long-term dating, long-distance love, twice-a-week love, marriage, domestic partnership, friends with benefits, anything in between. Take your time with it. You may discover that what you wanted ten years ago when you were shopping for wedding dresses is not at all what you want or need right now. Give yourself some space to figure out what this new version of you might want from her life.

• You don't have to find THE ONE on your first date.
After my divorce I was a train wreck so instead of looking for The Next Serious Relationship Of My Life, I picked hot guys who were terrible relationship material but a whole lot of superficial fun. This is a totally acceptable strategy! And no one ever tells you about it!

Instead, people say stuff like, "Oh, don't worry, one day you'll meet THE ONE..." or "Just have hope, you're such a nice girl, and after my divorce I met THE ONE and now we're happily married with 2.5 kids and a beautiful home with hardwood floors and one of those kitchens you see in Nora Ephron movies." You will hear these things and secretly want to stab the person saying them. There is a time for many divorced women when the idea of remarrying sounds like the worst thing you have ever heard since they invented butt waxing.

My advice? Go on at least one date just for the hell of it. Go out with a man you never would have dated before you got married because he wasn't perfect husband material. How do you think I ended up at dinner circa 2007 with a 24-year-old Jamaican cricket player? And it was fun. Would I want to walk down the aisle with him and share finances? Of course not. You don't have to be on a marriage mission. It is actually completely healthy to just want to have light, superficial fun when you re-emerge back into dating.

• You get to define fun.
Women get panicked at the word "fun" when combined with the word "dating" because they think it means they have to sleep around. You don't have to sleep with any dude you go out with. It is perfectly OK to go out, laugh, hold hands and not fling your panties off on the first date or on ANY date.

I don't do anything I don't want to do with anyone I don't want to do it with and neither should you. People make too much of all of this. There's no date police out there about to cite you for going too slow or too fast. So keep your head on straight and do what feels right for you. If you don't know what feels right for you, you aren't ready to date yet.

• It's OK to retreat.
You may go on a few dates and abruptly decide you need to go home and knit a sweater for every person in your immediate family before you can go out again. It's fine. There is no graph on a doctor's wall with projected dating progress timelines. You get to take breaks.

• Avoid Dating By Committee
When you start dating again your friends and family may take it on like an art project. It's up to you to manage the amount of information they get about your personal life. It is your responsibility to listen to yourself and trust yourself and not make decisions based on the input of your friend who was last single in the Reagan era. If you think your choices can't be trusted because you've made such bad ones in the past, then get to yourself to therapy. If you cannot bear the idea of going against the advice of your friends or family, then keep your mouth shut and don't ask for their advice in the first place. Dating by committee is doomed to failure. Ask for advice when you need it, share stories when you want to, that's part of the fun. But don't look to a third party to make your decisions.

• And finally...
It's not brain surgery, this dating business. No one will just die if a date goes poorly or if you talk too much or if he's four inches shorter than you. The world will keep spinning on its axis.

I have met some genuinely great guys (both during the Inappropriate Guy time post-divorce and the more Appropriate Guy time of present day). I think people are endlessly fascinating, and I love that it's so much easier to meet people now with the internet -- not just dating sites, but think of hiking meetups, social meetups, any meetups. I'm old-fashioned and still prefer to meet people in real life (airplanes, church, my old standby the grocery store!) but there's a lot to be said for technology. For example, you get to text now instead of talking on the phone! This is technology gone right. No waiting around for the phone to ring, just send a text and be done with it.

Socializing is very hard for me. I'm naturally introverted and I get all nervous and dorky and speedtalk when I'm anxious. But while my natural inclination is to pull a full Emily Dickenson, when I push myself and force myself to get out of my shell I often have a really great time. I hope you do as well. I'm not sure where any of us are going with this, but every possibility is in play. Anything good can happen when you're ready. And only you know when you are ready!

- - -

P.S. I'd like to thank reader Lesle for emailing me a link to this wonderful story in the New York Times, The Plight of American Singles. The title makes it sound more dismal than it is, read it for some interesting insight into the ways single people contribute to the health of a community.

Posted by laurie at 12:35 PM

September 19, 2011

So much TV, so little time

It's Fall TV Time! And also, eventually it will be fall, but more importantly it is the time of year when re-runs go away and TV comes back with all your best old friends and a few new ones.

Which new shows will you be tuning in to this season? Every season I pick one or two new shows which seem to almost immediately get canceled (I am still not over you, Detroit 187) but this year I'm going to try a few comedies (The New Girl, 2 Broke Girls) and then stick with my usual drama diet: Pan Am, Revenge, maybe Person of Interest, and I will probably tune into at least the first episode of Charlie's Angels. I think I'm dropping Dancing With The Stars, it's too much TV and the only "star" I really like is Carson Kressley. Plus that frees up a good four hours a week.

One of my favorite shows is now being rebroadcast on American TV, on the OWN network -- Supersize V. Superskinny. I first caught this show when I was on vacation in London several years ago and I've watched most of the episodes online. What's being shown on OWN is the same show but with an American voiceover (what, do they think we can't understand a British accent?) and with noticeably more demure title graphics. I'm actually surprised it's even on American TV, it seems like exactly the sort of show that people would complain about nonstop, since it's fairly gooby and shows a lot of people in their underwear eating weird food. And people do love to complain.

The returning shows I like are Castle, and Bones (Temperance is preggers!), and both the New York and Vegas CSIs. This morning on my walk I passed four(!) different TV shoots along the boulevard, and one had trailers labeled for CSI but I didn't see any of the stars.

So what's on your Fall TV list? (The first person to smugly announce they have better things to do than watch TV gets the Debbie Downer of the day award, which isn't an award at all but is more like a rash behind the knees.) TV is an insomniac's best friend, yo!

Posted by laurie at 11:22 AM

September 16, 2011

THE STAND

It's time.

Let's talk about it, people ... THE STAND! So, what did you think? Did you start sneezing? Did you stay up all night scared out of your mind? Did you fall in love with Stu? Could you not believe that Molly Ringwald was cast as Frannie in the movie version? Did you think the Walkin' Dude was creepy? Did the descriptions of the flu make you more or less inclined to see Contagion?

Was this your first time with THE STAND or was it an old friend from a bygone day?

The reason I picked this book for our last summertime read is that it's one of my all-time favorite books. I know the ending is, well, not exactly a bow tied up all pretty and pure, but the journey is the best part of this book. I love every creepy, unstable, disgusting moment along the way to Las Vegas. I love the way King can weave you so fully into a character that you feel like you know this person in real life. I love that he mixes real-world real-life elements with goofy, over-the-top fiction bits and makes it all work somehow.

And now, as I'm writing my first piece of fiction, I have even more respect for this book. Here's a piece that is so epic and huge (and LONG!) and full of flavor and description and activity and after all these years at the core it still holds up. That is talent, and commitment, and work.

I often think about what life would be like in Los Angeles after a disaster (an earthquake is usually the impetus for these thoughts.) I wonder if I would be clever or strong or alone -- will I be a Frannie, a Stu, or a Nadine? I wonder how we as a society will work it out. Every time I revisit THE STAND it feels like I'm talking to my old friends, and it's still just as disquieting as ever.

I'm particularly interested to hear how first-time readers got into it. Were you disappointed? Surprised? Scared out of your minds? Taking long showers with disinfecting soap?

Let's chat!

I think the book weighs more than the calico.

Posted by laurie at 12:49 PM

September 14, 2011

Bikini Waxing 101: The way-too-much information guide to waxing the lady cabana

My brief but bright career in the magazine field was based almost entirely on writing articles about hair removal. Not many people want to claim expertise in this field, but hair removal is a subject close to my heart and hootch. I have tried almost every form of hair removal available to the women of Los Angeles, and that is saying so much, but what I am here to discuss today is waxing with particular attention to bikini waxing.

Over the past few weeks as I've talked here and on Twitter about dating and its strange little rituals, one of the questions that comes up over and over is about dating-related hair maintenance:

Hi Laurie! I'm thinking about getting back into the scary world of dating but the last real date I had was around the same time that cell phones were the size of shoes. Times have changed. I'm worried! What are the rules these days on bikini waxing and general hair removal down there?

The most important rule is that any and all grooming you do is for yourself, not for some dude you just met. There will always be dudes. Dudes may say they want a vagina sculpted out of gold and smoothness and pulsating with beams of light, but the truth is that any man getting near your ladyhouse should (and will) be happy to be in the zipcode. In the moment, it will not matter if you are rocking the full Kong or if you are waxed like a shiny apple. Lovin' is lovin'. Do only what you feel comfortable with.

Also I believe by now we have already set the tone for this essay and my dad is somewhere in the middle of Texas wishing he could un-read words from his brain. Hi family! Let's talk waxing!

Before We Get Started
The subject of hair removal -- but especially bikini waxing -- seems to draw out the ire in some women. I want it to be known right here and right now that waxing has nothing to do with your IQ, your morality, your beliefs about feminism or God or sexuality. It's just a cosmetic option for hair. That is all.

I often hear women defiantly say, "I would never wax! If God intended me to be hairless down there he would have made me that way!"

By that reasoning, God intended me to be a near-sighted, mousy-haired molechild with a vitamin-D deficiency and an inability to be in sunlight for more than six minutes. No one freaks out by my liberal use of sunscreen, or my need to take vitamins, or my desire to wear contacts and get highlights now and then. My guess is that God doesn't care what your pubes look like. God probably has other stuff going on. It's a MUCH more compelling argument to just say, "Hey, you know what? I have no desire to pay a stranger to drip hot wax on my twat and rip my hair out from the roots."

I am pretty sure a lot of people will agree with your decision.

So wax or don't wax, it's up to you. I'm just here to pass along the information that might be useful for those gals who want to experiment with ladyhair maintenance.

Baby Got Wax

While there are a majillion ways to get rid of hair -- sugaring, threading, laser -- waxing is available almost anywhere on the planet, is affordable, effective and not that weird of a concept. Even your great-grandmother knows about waxing. Each service is priced differently depending on the intricacy and the salon. An eyebrow wax will run you $8-$10. Bikini waxing starts around $25 for the most basic wax and can run up to $125.

Anything that sprouts hair on the body can be waxed. At different times in my life, I have had my legs, underarms, eyebrows and entire lower body waxed into submission. You will probably need an appointment for a good salon so call ahead. The actual waxing time depends on how much work you're having done, but usually runs anywhere from five minutes (eyebrows) to twenty minutes (full lower body.)

How does it work? What is waxing, exactly?

Wax is warmed until it's soft and spreadable. It is not boiling hot -- doesn't burn the skin and doesn't feel uncomfortably warm. Actually, it feels kind of soothing going on, it's about the same temperature as a heating pad.

Using a wooden stick that looks a lot like a tongue depressor, the warm wax is spread on a hairy part of your body. Usually the wax is applied to small portions at a time. Then a clean white cloth is pressed down on top of the warm wax and the cloth is yanked off quickly, pulling the hair out at the roots with it. It's kind of like pulling off a band-aid on a hairy arm.

Does it hurt?

Yes. It hurts like a MUTHA. But if you go to a reputable place that knows their stuff it will be QUICK. The pain is not crazy overload pain, but it is shocking the first time. The pain is quick and over in mere seconds. My waxer Cindy can get me completely hair free from navel to knees in under 10 minutes. I want to kill a human while it is happening. And she goes where no man has ever gone. But then it is over.

It's my first time! How does a bikini wax work? Am I naked? Can I leave my panties on? Is it weird having a stranger up in your business?

A simple, basic bikini wax just removes the hair that strays outside your panties (this is the bare minimum grooming you want for bathing suit season, for example.)

For a first-time bikini wax, I recommend just a basic procedure. It will be whatever is cheapest on the menu. Wear your tightest, skimpiest panties to the appointment. For the more modest ladies, you can keep your panties on this way but don't wear your old granny pants. Wear something that exposes some skin.

The waxer will generally talk to you a bit beforehand about what you want. You will still have your clothes on. Then she will leave the room and you will take off your pants. Modest ladies, if you keep your panties on the waxer will probably tuck some small pieces of paper towel or kleenex between the cloth and your skin to keep the wax from getting on your drawers. Yes, it will probably be supremely weird for you if it's your first time but like all things in life you get used to it surprisingly fast.

She will spread warm wax on the hairy bits of your body. Press down on the spot with a white cloth and then quickly rip off the cloth and the hair. Yikes! But it's over that quick. There may be some stray hairs above the panties (up to the navel) and this will be removed, too. Some ladies have hair on the upper thigh, and that gets taken off. Then you're done. Put your pants on and go home and shower!

How long does it last?

Depending on how fast your hair grows, a wax can last anywhere from three to six weeks. Some people think the hair grows back finer or softer -- this is because waxing removes hair at the root and there's no stubble. Plus, all hair grows at a different rate so when your hair grows back there appears to be less of it at once, and it seems softer.

The major upside for me is there is no itching during re-growth. I shave my legs daily and sometimes my legs just itch. And if you have ever shaved your wheelhouse you know from itch. But with waxing I find there is very little itching when the hair comes back.

Do I need to trim before I go in?

No. The hairier the better. Your body hair must be at least 1/4" long to get a great result from waxing. This is also the downside of waxing, having to let your hair grow out. I used to get my legs and underarms waxed, but the grow-out period is too much for my girly pride.

Will it hurt the next day?
A little bit. Your bikini area will just be sensitive (underarms, too, though legs seem to recover quickly.) The BEST tip I can give you is to find some Bikini Zone! I use Bikini Zone cream or gel (http://bikinizone.com/) as soon as I get my wax. I buy a tube of this stuff at Rite-Aid ahead of time and I take it with me in my purse to my waxing appointment. After Cindy is done and I have been de-furred down to my esophagus, I slather on Bikini Zone. Then I go home, shower to remove the wax residue (I have very sensitive skin, and you need to get the wax traces off your skin) I dry off and zip on the Bikini Zone again.

You will probably have little red bumps the first day -- this cream helps a lot with that -- and maybe on day two. But by day three everything should be smooth and back to perfect.

How do I find a reputable waxer?

Ask your friends. Look on the internet. The best place in Los Angeles (in my opinion) is Pink Cheeks Salon. Just ask your girlfriends who they trust and who they feel comfortable with. If you want to try someone out, go in for an underarm wax the first time. I think underarm waxing is a great way to try out waxing ... you get a smooth result, the area is less sensitive than bikini, and you don't have to get naked.

OR, call your salon and see if they will do a test strip. That's where you go in and have a little place on your arm waxed as a test. You get to see what it feels like and how your skin reacts. It's essentially a patch test and all reputable salons will do it for you. Usually for free!

Do I tip my waxer?

Yes. 10-20% or whatever you feel is appropriate.

What is a full bikini? Playboy? Brazilian?

When it comes to bikini waxing there are all flavors of intensity. The basic bikini wax I describe above is at the tamest end of the spectrum. At the other end of the rainbow is the full wax -- everything gone, everywhere, including up the butt crack. Yes, people, I said butt crack waxing. And there are variations of intensity. You can leave a triangle, a landing strip, get more or less removed here and there.

For a more vigorous wax, you remove all your clothes from the waist down. Your waxer will delve into places your last husband may never have visited. I am fairly certain that Cindy, my bikini waxer, has seen more of my anatomy than my OB-GYN. If there is hair it can and will be removed. If my lungs sprouted hair I feel certain Cindy would invent a way to remove it.

A full wax (sometimes called a Brazilian) removes all your hair from all parts. You lie on your back on the table as wax is applied to areas you haven't thought about grooming ever in your life. Then you flip over onto all fours and wax is applied to any area that has hair sprouting -- cheeks, up the butt, top of the back thighs, all gone. You can leave some hair at the top or none at all, there are many levels of coverage and removal in the bikini waxing arena. Most salons will have a menu or will be able to explain the options.

My advice here is to start small and work your way up to a waxing intensity level that suits you.

Why on earth would any human choose to get all their hair stripped off the hoohah?
Don't knock it until you try it, friend. I walk out of Pink Cheeks and feel like I lost ten pounds and got two inches taller. Different people like different things. I know many women believe (or perhaps fear) that all this cooch grooming is because of men and their weird sex preferences. I firmly disagree. I have never once been intimate with a man who expressed grooming preferences for my private areas. I don't feel social pressure about my down-there hairdo. I just like keeping myself maintained in ways that make me feel good, whatever that is at the time. I paint my toenails even in winter ... to me it's the same kind of thing. It's a fast, legal, non-permanent, inexpensive way to change it up a little.

Can I get herpes/diseases/die from waxing?
According to the CDC, no. But someone is already writing about it in the comments and they are doing it in a tone that seems full of concern but is really just excitement to tell you YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE FROM THAT BIKINI WAX. Even though they have never had a full wax, they know. YOU WILL DIE.

Listen, it does not matter what you write about or talk about or ponder, a concerned individual somewhere thinks it will kill you or give you a disease. (Someone once wrote to tell me the yarn color I was using had a dye that would cause skin cancer. FO REALS, YO.) I am not a big fan of gloom and doom internet crap. I am, however, a Grade-A OCD germaphobe and I pick all my salon-style services very carefully.

Somewhere on the internet there is a feverish, intense declaration that bikini waxing will give you ebola of the vagina. Here is my advice: Do your own research. Be sure the salon you go to is clean and follows all the safety and sanitation procedures for the industry. Use common sense. I know ... crazy, right? Common sense! Nuts!

If you are someone who is going to freak out and need a Valium from the very idea of a bikini wax, then don't get one. If you are deeply worried you will get vaginaebola from a Brazilian then don't get a Brazilian. There are plenty of at-home waxing kits and lots of other options, including shaving or going full native or dying everything pink. Do what works for you and what you feel comfortable with.

In Conclusion...
There aren't a whole lot of topics where I can claim expertise: catbox scooping, okra frying, Jeep repair bills, hangovers. That's a list right there, my friends. But I have been fixated on hair removal for most of my life and hope my forays into smoothness can help someone out there.

It's not cold fusion or world peace. It's just some hair. Let's keep it in perspective, people.

Posted by laurie at 6:33 AM

September 13, 2011

A few Tuesday things

1) I saw that germ movie, CONTAGION!!! I had to Purell myself repeatedly during the film. I think that every time someone sneezed I became more unhinged. I like to think of this sort of thing as exposure therapy, exposing myself to microbes both real and imagined to build up immunity. Then I needed to go to my home and disinfect the bathroom. Again.

2) In the midst of writing this thing I'm writing I figured out the plot flaw in Katie & Armando, a completely different project that has nothing to do with this one. I have made no money off either and soon will return to the world of work and commutes but until then I've been trying to pack in everything I can with the feverish need of a human being who is not really sure about the future of the future. At all.

3) In a few weeks I'm going to be visiting a different city with some family folks and for some reason it's fallen on me to pick the hotel and I am freaking out because it's a lot of pressure to pick a place other people will like. Usually I just find a hotel I think I will like, and if I hate it I get up and move the next day. But I realize other people need better decision-making from the gitgo and I am paralyzed with fear of disappointing my family. Several excellent things have emerged from this: ONE is that I decided where I am staying and that is a good start. TWO is that I'm excited about this little mini-trip in the fall, I've been so busy and crazy I had forgotten all about it. THREE is that it might be cold enough to wear a coat! If you live in Los Angeles you know how exciting that is for a local. FOUR is that my book will be done by then. And FIVE is that I have had enough therapy to realize I'm not really responsible for other people's fun and I just need to loosen up and bring out my inner hippie right now, so I have, and it is working.

4) SPEAKING of hippies. The hippie downstairs is amazing. If you don't know the story of the hippie downstairs, let me recap: He's a hippie. He gave my whole building a contact high. He favors plaid boxer shorts, patchouli and playing Bob Dylan songs on his guitar on the patio. His make-out music is old Crow Medicine Show, which seems the wrong tempo, but what do I know. He has a different goodlooking ladyfriend over every night. He once charged me $20 to use his garage clicker when mine wasn't working. That should bring you up to speed. So last night there was some crazy police action in our neighborhood and I heard the hippie downstairs tell his newest ladyfriend, "This police state is ruining my voice, man, I have to shout when I am more of a whisper man, you feel me? The whisper is my sweet spot."

And I wanted to die with happiness that I lived long enough to eavesdrop on a man saying those words. And then repeat them on the internet for your pleasure.

5) Finally, it was Sept. 11th again and this time I just didn't write anything. I was going to and then nothing felt appropriate or real so I just decided to keep it inside. Later that night I was watching the news and I saw the story of the airplane that had to be escorted to the airport by fighter jets because some of the passengers were spending too much time in the restroom. It was determined that two of the passengers were just engaging in a little mid-flight nookie. Now I am many things, but a prude is not one of them (germaphobe, yes, mon dieu people, find a cleaner place!). But I think the lesson to be learned here is that if you plan to join the mile-high club you should think twice before doing it on September 11th. Merely a suggestion.

Posted by laurie at 12:53 PM

September 1, 2011

Baby, can you dig your man?

Her face says, "But I am so scared! I do not like this book! You keep washing your hands and disinfecting things! And playing that creepy song about the Reaper!"

- - -

Are you on the road with Frannie and Stu and the bunch? Have you made it to Colorado yet? If you're reading the uncut version you may be trapped inside the dog's brain. I don't know, but I can feel pretty sure at least one of you is now thanking the Purell corporation for existing.

What's even awesomer is that the new Matt Damon outbreak-ish movie "Contagion" comes out next Friday so you can go sit inside a movie theatre and listen to people sneeze and cough during a movie about the deadly spread of bird flu through sneezing and coughing in movie theatres.

The first time I saw the trailer I was on a date. I was sitting in the darkened movie house next to a dude who was pretty much a stranger, really, and someone behind us sneezed and I had to break out the wet wipes and do some hand germ maintenance. He asked me out again, and neither of us got the bird flu, so this story has a happy ending. But I still haven't had enough therapy to share a popcorn with another human being unless I have actually seen them wash their hands with soap for the full singing of the alphabet. Baby steps, people. baby steps.

So our book club chitchat about The Stand is scheduled for Friday, September 16th (to last all weekend) but I wanted to check in with you all and be sure that's enough time for everyone to finish the book. Let me know.

And go wash your hands!

Posted by laurie at 7:57 AM

August 29, 2011

Monday List

1) Complaining is my cardio
My general complaint is that technology has not made my life easier. I don't even like technology. Everything is so interconnected and complicated and always needs updating. I avoid plugging my iPhone into my iMac because even though all I want to do is download a few pictures instead I have to upgrade and reinstall iTunes, then there is a new software update for your iPhone, do you want to download and install it? If you don't download and install it, this icon on your desktop will just jump up and down spastically until you have a seizure anyway, so forget getting that picture of your cat on your blog, lady, you're in for two hours of updates and restarts. And iPhoto is now part of iLife One Million More dollars, want to purchase that now? My God people. Someone invent a button for "quick cat picture transfer."

2) Yet I have no desire to fix my problems or yours.
I find people utterly fascinating. No matter what I complain about -- and sometimes it's just sheer fun to complain humorously about upscale human problems that aren't the least bit dire at all -- there will be someone somewhere who NEEDS to TELL me how to FIX the problem RIGHT NOW. Sometimes of course this is hugely helpful and does actually fix a problem, which is always an unexpected treat. But usually it's useless stuff that only makes the fixer feel smug and vastly more intelligent than me, things like, "Buy a new computer with more memory, upgrade to the new phone and update your shit every day." (By the way, I would totally take that advice if you gave me your credit card number for those purchases.) What is even more fascinating is that I never have the urge to help someone fix their problems. I just assume they are complaining for the sheer joy and exercise of it and will eventually solve their own problems like a normal human being. Perhaps this points to a shallowness in my character. Perhaps it means I just like funny complaining. Perhaps I am also the last person you would ever want trying to fix your technology stuff (see: "That time I stuck a butter knife in the DVD player.")

3) I yelled something really mean to someone in traffic this morning.
No, it was really, really mean. Like I almost felt the fiery flames of hell licking at my heels. I was on Sunset Blvd. and an ambulance was coming in the opposite direction so I moved from the far left lane over to the shoulder like you are supposed to do when an ambulance is coming. Contrary to what most people in Los Angeles think, you do not actually stop in the middle of the road and block traffic when you see shiny red lights. The woman behind me in the silver Mercedes decided to use this opportunity to get ahead sixteen whole awesome inches! And she nearly clipped me in her fervor to leapfrog over traffic. As I pulled to the right I saw with horror that the ambulance had to wait for her as she breezed the intersection. SERIOUSLY.

After the emergency vehicles passed, I began to merge back onto the roadway carefully, just like you are supposed to do according to the California Driver's Handbook. And what do you know, traffic on Sunset wasn't moving and I managed to pull up just beside the horrible Mercedes driver at the next light.

So I moseyed up next to her, waved out my Jeep window until she rolled down her fancypants Mercedes window that cost more than my entire vehicle, and I said some choice words that I won't repeat because I'm sensitive to the amount of hate mail I can generate in a single day. Then I took a picture of her on my cameraphone that I will never be able to download.

4) This morning I woke up still upset about Joe Guidice being a mean drunk.
Sure, I may stop people in traffic to tell them what I think about their driving and tell them emphatically how they need to reevaluate their priorities as a HUMAN BEING, but I would never say that to my purple-fur-wearing wife in front of our kids and all our friends, and especially not after I just chipped my tooth on the marble floor of the foyer while doing drunken gymnastics.

That paragraph alone should be the TV Guide's summer recap of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

I may not ever be able to understand all the ingredientsces that make up Teresa Guidice, and I may deeply fear for the lives of all the Real Housewives castmates once Milania is tall enough to reach the big knives on the countertops, but now I have to add in the implosion and drunken cartwheels of Joe Guidice. It was too much for my delicate sensibilities so soon on the heels of the Hurricane Irene news coverage. During the hurricane, cable news channels showed repeated interviews with New Jersey coastal residents who refused to evacuate even when their scary Governor practically begged them to go to a Sheraton and drink mai tais for the night on the state's dime.

It's pure schadenfreude. As a Southerner who grew up horrified at the continuous, nonstop TV and movie portrayals of unwashed, backwoods rednecks can I just tell you what a relief it is to see someone else in this glorious nation being demonized so thoroughly and with such vigorous bedazzling? When I was a child I never understood why people across the country thought Southerners were all stupid, slow, overall-wearing pig farmers who never owned shoes or had more than three teeth. Didn't they know TV was fake? Mork did not live with Mindy, people!! Alan Alda was not actually in a war!! Southerners do actually have teeth and manners and an excellent vocabulary!!

But now I revel in the sweet certainty that a whole generation of young people from Mississippi to Louisiana to Middle Tennessee will grow up think New Jersey is full of loud, drunk, orange people wearing glitter and clown makeup and dressed in giant fur coats made entirely of skinned psychedelic care bears.

Man, it's good to be alive.

- - -

Bob agrees.

- - -

P.S. Thanks to reader Rachel for emailing me to let me know one of my goofy tweets made The Huffington Post! You can follow my drunken twitterings @crazyauntpurl.

Posted by laurie at 12:42 PM

August 19, 2011

Insert clever title that makes me look less like a slacker

1) Trends in the vernacular
In the past ten days I have had conversations no less than five times with different people where I interject a deeply heartfelt, "Homie don't play that!" Who knew I woke one morning in early August and became the sole blonde, female member of the 1987 Run DMC lineup? YO! Homie Raps! Two decades ago! Yet try it yourself today and you will see that for almost any conversation the interjection, "Say what! Homie don't play that!" is a true crowd pleaser.

2) Books have a lot of words.
That sentence actually had one extra word until I edited out the expletive. I am just saying is all. I'm going to finish this book I'm writing but there may be some drawings of cats in the middle.

3) Experiments in interpersonal, inter-species dinner having and movie seeing
Yeah, when you're ready you should totally date again. I faux dated back that one time during that phase, then I went on that long-ass hiatus ("Homie don't play that!") and now am real dating and ya'll, it's super fun. Yes, it's true that it's goofy and you have to tell your story and they tell their story and there are awkward parts and still -- even with all the newness and so on -- if you are in the right frame of mind it is so much goodness. We will talk more about this. You can ask me your burning questions, if I am doing it you can do it, people. I already got a few good dating questions in my email that I will answer and you know I say I hate giving advice but then I go and give advice like that shit is about to be banned by the FDA. Let's do it.

4) Why am I cussing so much? My parents will be calling later today to discuss.
I blame Corey. Sorry, C-squared, something has to be your fault.

SPEAKING OF COREY. Here we are (two weeks ago, whoops) getting out geek on at DEVO:

Video of the band playing Whip It:

(Uh, I have to figure out how to get this on youtube and then embed it, meaning I forgot my password, so until then here is a link on yfrog: http://yfrog.com/nrebkz)

Corey is on the beat:

She cracks me UP.

Us in the middle of it all, per usual.

IN CONCLUSION. Ladies, if DEVO comes to your town get thee to the venue on time. The show is amazing, the band rocks out, I thought I only knew one Devo song but I knew about 75% of the setlist (including the lyrics, how did that happen? I can't even remember my own phone number.) And the crowd is full of nothing but eligible grown-up goodlooking nerd-men with music in their souls:

These guys were so damn cute, they knew all the words. It was like a big convention of all the guys you actually want to meet. And almost none of them brought girlfriends. Well, there was this one couple:

I have no idea who they are but they were kind enough to let me take a picture. Flowerpot hats. Need I say more?

5) Citizen of The Month does The Valley, like, for sure.
So Neil is in town for a few more weeks and then he's going back to New York. I've already managed to drag him to Hollywood once and last week we went to an amateur stand-up night in the Valley (his idea, not mine, I'm adventurous but even I don't do stand-up.) He lets me take pictures of him because he's a photographer and also a golden god on Instagram and anyway he doesn't complain and really that's my only criteria for success. Me, easy to please!

The view from our table at dinner in LaLa's Argentine restaurant on the boulevard in Studio City:

(Yes, Los Angeles, you are beautiful and I'm back in love with you again.)

After the comedy thing we went for coffee at the Starbucks on Ventura Blvd, which is as specific a location as saying, "We were in a forest and they had some trees there."

As we sat out on the sidewalk cafe, we were approached by a wild-eyed man hopped up on speed who tried to steal a Boston Terrier from the couple at the table beside us and Neil managed to get the crazy guy into a sleeper hold and the dog was saved. And then we finished our coffee.*
(* This did not happen.)

Neil also gives me dating advice, but kind of in the Socratic method. Here is an actual text conversation transcribed for your pleasure:

Neil: How was Date #5 and did he ask about u yet??

Laurie: Supposed to be Wednesday.
Ask about me how?

Neil: Show interest in your life. As weird as it is.
Also, do I want to see Captain America?

Laurie: I love that you manage to insult and compliment me all at the same time. Capt A was OK but mostly sets up Avengers.

Neil: Ha. That's why I changed the subject. I know you already.

6) And, following chronological order, Bonnie and I get mildly lost in downtown and stumble into an alternate universe two days ago.

Bonnie drove in from the depths of Orange County and met me in downtown Los Angeles for a little fun and shopping in the garment district. We went to all the great fabric vendors along 9th Street, Olympic, and Maple, including a long visit to Michael Levine. And we did a little street vendor shopping, too, where Bonnie got the cutest hat ever:

Totally ready for the Kentucky Derby, ya'll! For only five bucks!

I love Bonnie because she is funny as hell and an amazing crafter -- she sews like nobody's business, which I will write a separate post on entirely because girlfriend has inspired me to dust off my Singer and make those sofa pillows I keep saying I'm going to make. But also I love her because she is maybe the only friend I have who makes me look tan in comparison:

Girl fun! (No, seriously, I AM MORE TAN.) (A little.)

And she didn't seem to mind that my sense of direction is nonexistant and we got turned around a few times and kind of sort of had to walk 21 blocks downtown in the scorching sun. BUT that is where we stumbled upon this magical dress shop right in the middle of scrummy downtown off Broadway and 6th:

Those dresses were simply amazing. It was like walking into a fantasy, there was even a hello kitty dress which may or may not be the outfit I wear when I marry Al Gore:

Heartbroken that the picture turned out blurry but happy that such a dress exists. After our long day we ate hotdogs wrapped in bacon and covered in grilled onions and peppers. Can you think of a better way to end a day? No, me neither.

So that is the gap at a glance, summertime in the city, and now I promise not to go another two weeks without updating especially when we are in the midst of something as awesome and terrifying as THE STAND!! I love Stu Redman. The end.

Posted by laurie at 8:30 AM

August 18, 2011

No actor parking!!

Really. We don't want your kind here.

- - -

SO. I am alive! Hello! How are you, good looking and what have you got cooking? It probably says more about me than I care to admit that when I do not write on this here website for one week or perhaps longer I suddenly begin receiving urgent text messages, phone calls, and emails from people asking me if I am ALIVE DAMMIT. This may be a reflection of just how colorful my life is. I like to think of it that way, colorful. In psychology circles that is known as "healthy re-framing."

But I am fine and have not run off to marry Al Gore, or been kidnapped by a roaming band of Swedes, or sold my cute shoes to join a cult. I did find a great pair of jeans, though, that whole Not Your Daughter's Jeans hype is actually true. Go for a dark rinse. Mostly I am working hard to finish my book by Labor Day which is not actually at the end of September like many of us in my head thought. It is mere days away and I have many words yet to type.

Last night I had a long conversation with someone about weapons-grade tear gas because I am now at the part of the writing process known as "any old thing could happen, let's get this piece of work DONE, even if it means we tear gas some people. Maybe there are clowns."

There have been some fun adventures, and since I don't want another phone call from my Dad asking if I have expatriated to Argentina I will start posting pictures tomorrow of all my adventures from the past two weeks including the Devo concert and a fun day yesterday with Bonnie and a night of amateur stand-up comedy in the Valley with Neil (we were in the audience, not performing, as if! Also people did more book readings than acts, but what do I know?) after which he called me a snob but then bought me coffee. Friends! And also this weekend I will type up the whole long list of everything I have been meaning to tell you including how I managed to change my life in a day as ya'll know I enjoy doing every now and then. It will be very helpy.

But now, back to tear gas and clowns! And maybe there should be a steamy sex scene. That's more fun to write than a car chase.

Posted by laurie at 9:37 AM

August 2, 2011

Summer Trashy Goodness Book Club Selection

Here it is, folks, buckle up for a wild ride with Captain Tripps:

That's right. We're reading THE STAND. You can read any version you want, the original, the expanded complete & uncut edition, audiobook, even the streaming Netflix miniseries. This is Stephen King we're talking about, though, so I'd go with the paperback version. Either one will do.

We'll be talking about it a little here and there just to keep the contagion ball rolling but the real deal book club discussion will start on Friday, September 16th, 2011 and last all weekend. I'll probably do a random reader giveaway, too, though I have no idea what yet (if you have regifting stuff you want to throw in the pot email me using the link in the sidebar on the right side of the page.)(Broke authors, such great gift givers!)

I fully expect that 50% of you have already read THE STAND and are itching to re-read it just in time for the upcoming cold and flu season. Forty percent of you will think it's too long, too scary and that King can't write and ending to save his life and the final 10% will be alone in the bathroom taking a full silkwood shower until Christmas.

Love you!

Posted by laurie at 10:59 AM

July 21, 2011

Dude, you have a problem.

Yesterday I was sorting through my pictures when I found a little gem that I snapped on my flight from Atlanta to Daytona Beach last month. I know I posted this on twitter when it happened, but I didn't post it here.

That dude on the aisle read his Playboy magazine during most of the flight. He didn't seem to mind that there were families and small children all around. He even did a full-on head tilt when he got to the centerfold.

Seriously. How bad is your addiction to porn if you can't even sit through a one-hour flight without looking at naked ladies? Mon dieu!

Posted by laurie at 10:45 AM

July 20, 2011

More walk talk

Ya'll know when I get on a topic I am like a dog with a bone so we are still walking and talking! Thanks for sharing your motivators, it's kind of a relief to see that not every human feels particularly thrilled about working out every day, but so many still do it daily and feel good after the fact.

Before I get to some of the Q&A from the comments, I have a question of my own here today:

I found a guided super-beginner level hike that I want to try and the description says to wear pants, bring water, and bring lugsoles.

Uh. I am assuming from the word "soles" that lugsoles are shoes, which made me realize that hiking might require something a little different than my Nike running shoes.

I know that some of you all are avid hikers and outdoorsy folks, and I would love your suggestions and recommendations for whatever the heck a lugsole is. Or whatever hiking shoe you like the best. Or even where to purchase a hiking shoe. I don't have a large amount of money here to spend on supplies, but I would invest in a great pair of shoes if it will help me to not die on my first ever hike.

- - -

I am not very outdoorsy. If I stop posting for a few months, send someone looking for me in the Santa Monica Mountains. Thanks!

- - -

Christi said:

I'll tell what really helps keep you motivated to exercise: having an exercise buddy. On those days when you want to stay in bed, knowing your buddy is waiting for you gets you OUT of bed. And if your exercise buddy is a dog, believe me, they won't let you rest till you've gone on your walk (or run, as the case may be).

I noticed that many of you said the same thing and I am taking this to heart. My friend Corey offered to do a Zumba class with me -- I've never tried it and I often feel ridiculous going to new exercise adventures on my own. So I am taking her up on this offer and just emailed her a whole long list of local classes, days and times we can try. I would probably cancel on my own but if I know she's driving here to meet me I definitely will not cancel.

When I was in Florida last month my sister-in-law invited me to go on her walk one morning over the intercoastal bridge. She meets up there with friends regularly. I tagged along and it was so much fun! Then the next day we went to Curves, something I would never have tried on my own, and I really had fun meeting Kelli's friends and working out with them. I'm famously uncoordinated and that still hasn't changed, but her friends were really nice and funny and laughed with me (not at me, much) as I tried not to fall of the Curves machines.

So, just wanted to thank everyone again for sharing their motivators with me. I'm taking this one to heart -- I even asked Corey and Jen to go on the beginner hike with me so that I won't cancel at the last minute. We haven't set a date yet but we will.

- - -

Allison wrote:

I'm trying to get motivated to do something about my extra 90 pounds before it's an extra 100. I went to the gym after work every day for years, quit when I got laid off and then started back when I got a job. Had to stop. Making less money, but really it was the time. Up at 5, out the door before 7, home a little after 6. Weekends are mostly for all the chores we can't get to during the week. I haven't seen the makeover show, but I have seen Biggest Loser, which ... seems to prove weight loss is only possible if you can exercise 6 to 8 hours a day and eat prepackaged foods. I can't do that, therefore there is no hope. Depressing. I know something would be better than nothing, but when? How do people with no control over their work schedules make fitness happen? I'm as short of sleep as I can go, but that's the only place I see to steal any time from. But I HAVE to figure something out.

I immediately gravitated to this comment because I absolutely know that trapped feeling of desperation when your life becomes a monotony of eat-sleep-work-drive-clean-repeat.

If you have been reading this here diary for any length of time you already know that I have been struggling with my weight and health since my divorce in the ancient year 1775. It was not getting better -- in fact, as time moved on and my schedule became more and more insane, it got worse. I worried I was becoming like one of those ladies you see on the Dr. Oz show who says they still haven't lost the baby weight... and their kid is 25 years old now. After a while I just began to worry that I was dying before I was dead.

I made some very drastic changes to my life last year. Not every person will want or need to go that far -- I live on less than half of my old income, I gave up a lot of security and safety and that can be terrifying. But I had to change. So now I focus on what I've gained instead of what I've lost: I'm alive! I have a positive feeling about the future. I'm healthier than I have been in a ridiculously long time (and I'm only halfway "there" which should give you an idea of how out of sorts I had become.)

That old self-helpy line that "Nothing changes if nothing changes..." is true. It can be a little change -- you could get an exercise bike and put it in front of the TV and commit to ten minutes a day, or buy salad in a bag every day this week instead of fast food, or splurge for one month on a housecleaner, or just decide it's more important to go for a walk each Sunday instead of cleaning the house. You can make a big change like I did and up-end your life with a new kind of working arrangement and a serious reshuffling of priorities. But you have to change your life to change your life.

Here's the best example I can think about to illustrate this:

You hate your job. You work long hours for less money, you're miserable and the only comfort is eating a big, warm meal and de-stressing in front of the TV. You gain weight and feel even worse about your situation. You desperately want to get a new job but you think the weight you've gained will hold you back in job interviews. It makes you feel less confident. You tell yourself you'll start searching for a new job when your life improves, when you lose weight. But nothing is improving. That makes you feel even less in control, and more depressed, and each day is just a tightly compressed coil winding in on itself.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

If nothing changes, then nothing changes. You can start small and build up or go big but you have to do something. I worried that making this huge change would set me back professionally and financially forever but I did it anyway -- I was willing to take that risk to get my life back. I definitely still worry about money and security and my future but you know what? I worried about all that stuff before, too. Now I am just doing it from a healthier vantage point.

All this is to say I understand the desperate, sad, depressed feeling that was so clear in your comment. I was there. The only person who could improve my life was me, I work on it every day. It is work, don't get me wrong, and it takes commitment and time and energy to get healthy when you're almost 100 pounds overweight. But I am telling you it can be done, I do it a little more every day. At least my bus is out of the ditch and going in the right direction.

There are small changes you can make without uprooting your whole life -- I have tried therapy, acupuncture, meditation (I still can't get that one at all), new foods, new ways of approaching problems, new activities. Not everything has worked but just trying different ways of living happier and healthier makes me feel good. Feeling good is the goal, right? You have to find something that makes you light up. I walk because psychologically it makes me have an improved feeling about life and physically it improves my body. I'm not going to turn into a fitness model or run a marathon next week. The goal here is improvement not perfection.

I don't have all the answers, I only wanted to give you a word-hug and let you know I have been in that place. Every change comes with some discomfort and even fear. It's a trade-off, it's part of life. Perhaps we just get to a point where change becomes preferable to staying the same. My life today isn't perfect and every day isn't rainbows and unicorns, but it is so much better than it was. I hope you can find a way to a better feeling day and string a bunch of them together.

Don't give up! It's never too late to change your life.

- - -

Chris asked:

Now that you've inspired me to get moving, do you have any suggestions for non-chaffing shorts to walk in?

Hi Chris! I saw in Target the other day that they've made the same flat-seam pants I love into knee-length capris and shorts.
• Link to the pants (I wear these everyday! I started in a size XXL and now I'm in a L, thanks in part to the looong walks I can take with no seams chafing my legs!)
• Link to the capri pants version
• Link to the shorts

I have not worn shorts since the earth was a molten ball, but let me know if those work for you! I don't work for Target or make money off these pants, I just like to share when I find a product that actually works. There is no way I could make a 7-mile walk without chafe-free pants!

- - -

Diana asked:

Laurie, a question for you. When you walk, do you walk at a leisurely pace like you're sightseeing, a brisk pace like you're late for something, or a crazy man in spandex shorts powerwalking pace with your hips swinging back and forth? Just want to figure out what I should be aiming for.

I work full-time and have a 2 year old and it's almost impossible to find even 30 minutes to work out. Before baby I went to Jazzercise 3 days a week and loved it. But the class times are no longer convenient for me. I do have a treadmill and an Ipod and am just struggling to fit it in. Once the weather gets to a humanly bearable temperature I'd love to walk outside after the boy's in bed and the dishes are clean.

Hi Diana!

Today I walked at a pretty leisurely pace (3 miles/hour for one hour.) I was overzealous last week when it was so mild outside and I overdid it so this week I'm taking it easy.

Usually I walk at 3.5 miles/hour and do between one and a half or two hours each morning, which is between five and seven miles. At least one day a week I walk in the hills for 3 miles and on flat sidewalks for another 2-3 miles (hills are more strenuous than sidewalks, obviously.) If I am feeling really crazy I might jog (on flat surfaces) just for a tiny bit in little bursts but that almost never happens.

Sometimes I use my exercise bike, too, and I ride for a few minutes while I watch TV. Tonight I'm going to do that since I had a fairly unathletic walk today.

My goal right now is to increase my fitness level a little bit every day and lose weight so I exercise more than an average person would need for maintenance. I don't have any interest in running, but I do want to get in good enough shape to be able to take on a moderately strenuous hike and not keel over or embarrass myself. All those years stuck inside my car three hours a day commuting (and then in an office) made me forget how much I like being outside! I feel happy when I'm outdoors. It seems like hiking would be a really good goal for me and that's my little personal fitness marker.

Since I don't have kids I'm never sure how people fit anything in when they're moms -- most of my friends have kids and their lives amaze me with all they have to do! I have no idea how to incorporate a kid into working out but I'm sure that plenty of readers will have some ideas. My only suggestion would be to forget the dishes until after your walk, I think anything is more fun than doing dishes...

- - -

One last question, this one also from me:

For all you folks in the Pacific Northwest and other rainy areas, do you walk/run/exercise outdoors on rainy days? If so, do you need anything special to wear? I don't want to feel like I can never leave Los Angeles just because I might lump up and melt with some rain.

We haven't had rain in so long I forgot what it looks like!

- -

Thanks everyone for not rolling your eyes dramatically with all this walking talk. I'm sure that tomorrow we'll be back to knitting or cat poop or traffic...

Posted by laurie at 11:23 AM

July 19, 2011

Good Question

First, a little look at the weather here in The San Fernando Valley:

Dude! It's hot!

- - -

So, Karen S. asked me a question on Twitter the other day and it really got me thinking. I mentioned something about walking and she asked:

Can you pinpoint the moment when you went from "this sucks" to "this is amazing." I can't get to the crossover point.

If we're being completely honest here, which we are, I'm not sure there is an exercise tipping point. Or if there is I haven't found it yet. Instead it's more like any activity that you have to do, it has benefits and irritations. There are days I do not want to do it. The biggest hurdle is making time for activity every single day, even for me, and I work from home. While I no longer commute three hours a day I still have to move exercise to the top of the list or else it won't happen.

There's that whole law of motion thing going on -- you know, an object that sits on its butt stays on its butt. If I miss too many days in a row I feel inertia coming on strong, so I try to keep moving even if it's just a little bit here and there. That's how I've have made the transition from sedentary to active. It was definitely a process, it did not happen overnight. It's taken me about a year to really make this my life.

The benefits are worth the trade-offs, though. All the blabby stuff everyone tells you about exercise is actually true. Stamina and fitness will improve and so will sleeping, energy levels, even blood pressure improves. But everyone already knows that stuff. Maybe it's enough to keep some people motivated every day but I need a little more.

So here's my motivation: alleviation of embarrassment. A few days ago I saw one of my neighbors in the parking lot and she was struggling with her groceries so I offered to help carry some of them up for her. We both live on the top floor of the building, up three flights of stairs. In the past I would have been huffing at the top of the stairs (and really embarrassed) but now it's no big thing at all to go up some stairs carrying heavy bags. I wasn't even out of breath. This is a major accomplishment and one I feel really happy about!

I still have a long way to go before I would consider myself truly physically fit so when I notice improvements I hang on to them. Usually it's enough to get me out the door and on the pavement. On days when I don't feel motivated I just do it anyway and hope that motivation eventually shows up.

Has anybody else been walking and seeing improvements in your life? (Comments are open today.) I'd love to hear what keeps you going even on the days you want to stay in bed.

ALSO! Is anyone else watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition? If so, do you also think it is nuts to lose 150 pounds in three months? I wonder if they'll do a follow-up special later in the year to see if people are maintaining their weight. I can't imagine that would be a lifestyle anyone could sustain for long, but I guess anything is possible. The lady in last night's show looked amazing at the end. I am such a sucker for a good transformation story!

Posted by laurie at 7:42 AM | Comments (713)

July 18, 2011

Hot pants

Today I'm nostalgic for 1980s music videos. My whole teen and pre-teen era was filled with a deep longing to be just like the girls in music videos. I remember watching Madonna sing "Dress You Up (in my love)" and desperately needing a bright paisley jacket and some purple lace leggings.

My parents did not feel the same way and I think I am still a little mad about it.

The 1980s were so colorful, especially compared to the drab head-to-toe black ensembles that have become the dress code since post-grunge. When I saw the cover of the latest Anthropologie catalog I had an immediate happy feeling about the bright green jeans.

In the seventh grade I owned a pair of purple jeans that I thought were the absolute ultimate in cool. Seeing the colored skinny jeans on the catalog cover reminded me of them. How I loved those purple jeans. And paisley. I was crazy for paisley and had quite the array of patterned shirts, belts and pants ("the paramecium years.") I never found a Maddonna-esque paisley jacket, though. In the 9th grade my best friend and I saved all our money for six months to buy matching jackets with a big embroidered pyramid and eyeball on the back because we thought they looked a little like Madonna's jacket in the movie Desperately Seeking Susan. I think I wore that jacket every single day the whole winter of my freshman year.

It feels like a stroke of luck that I grew up in the 1980s. For a long time I thought the return of 1980s fashion was a direct sign of mass hysteria, but now I think it's kind of cheerful and hopeful. I could definitely see myself in some purple jeans again.

Posted by laurie at 1:08 PM

July 11, 2011

Monday notes

1) Discovered this little gem at the supermarket:

Although it tastes a lot like a carton of mashed-up fudgesicles, I love any food item that gives you the calorie count for the entire container. This is truth in advertising.

2) No matter the location or size or cost, all my Los Angeles apartments seem to go through the same boring ritual. First, the garbage disposal dies (this usually happens the first week I move in.) Shortly thereafter the A/C dies. It was really hot on Friday and my air conditioning sputtered out around 5 p.m., just in time for everyone to be closed and unavailable to fix it. By a complete stroke of luck I was heading out the door on Saturday morning to buy another fan and I saw the maintenance guy -- the same one who fixed my garbage disposal. He fixed the air conditioning, he is magic. Thank goodness, since this apartment is quite the little heatbox. If I ever decide to leave this crazy city I'm going somewhere cold.

3) Which brings me to hiberknitting. I've been on a hipster hat binge lately, and just last night completed my fourth hat while watching streaming episodes of Friday Night Lights. Jennifer got me irrevocably hooked on that show and it's perfect summer hibernation viewing.

4) The sweater, on the other hand... is stalled. I wanted a really open weave looking sweater which is a much looser gauge than the pattern and so I'm off on my row gauge (obviously) and it was too much headache for me to manipulate the math of the pattern right now. I'll figure it out some other time. Plus the yarn I picked was awfully shiny. I'm not giving up on this project but I'm not sure what I will do next on it, so for now it's on hiatus.

5) Speaking of hiatus, The Closer is back from break and starts the seventh season tonight. I didn't realize this was the final season. Oh, Brenda Leigh Johnson. I'll miss you. I have watched you in four residences at all different weird ass stages of life and you have not disappointed.

6) I think I might knit another pair of Noro gloves. I still have yarn left and I remember how much I loved that project last summer. Those gloves have probably gotten the most wear of all my handknit items, I wore them all winter long whether I needed them or not.

7) Summer also means hibernation for the bears (cats):

BOB NEEDS PEACE AND QUIET NOW.

Posted by laurie at 10:51 AM

July 6, 2011

Florida, part 2

Hello from sweaty Los Angeles which today feels more like Florida than I care to admit. Humidity -- you are no friend of mine. My hair loves you, though.

Today we have more pictures from my vacation to Florida where I visited with my brother and his family, chased their dog around the living room, tried new and unfamiliar things such as fried chicken sushi. I forgot to take a picture of it so you'll have to trust me on this, but one night we went out to dinner and there was sweet potato sushi (which was actually delicious) and fried chicken sushi, which was oddly confusing to my tastebuds. My brain was wondering why there was soy sauce instead of gravy. Old-fashioned brain!

But before sushi and after our drive on the beach where we DROVE A VEHICLE ON THE BEACH right next to human beings and it kind of freaked me out because it's so wrong and so right all at the same time, where was I? Oh yes, we were off to visit Ponce Inlet, Florida where we passed the beautiful Ponce De Leon Inlet Lighthouse:

IT WAS THAT BIG.

As we were driving past the lighthouse I thought I noticed people walking around the tee-tiny-far-away top, so I asked my nephew Andrew if visitors were allowed up the lighthouse. He looked at me for half a second, then yelled, "YES!" with the excitement only ten-year-old boys and dorky aunts get about such things. My brother was a good sport, ready to see the attractions in his home turf and we were off.

Guy and Andrew, looking cute.

The lighthouse has over 200 stairs that wind up in a tight little spiral. I'm not sure you can tell what a climb it is from this picture, but this was taken at the half-way point of the climb:

Just for a moment in our travelogue I want to take a personal detour and tell you how excited and happy I was that I could haul my butt up 200+ stairs in a cramped little room with no air conditioning in the middle of a Florida summer day and not die. In fact I not only lived, I was perfectly fine climbing those stairs at a pretty good clip. I was a little out of breath at the top but it was the normal stuff any person should feel after climbing up a ton of stairs all at one time. I sweated like I was a human waterfall, and that was gross, but I wasn't any more winded or worked up than the average Joe and I cannot tell you how EXCITED I was about this triumph of body over couch potato nature.

It reminded me in big bold letters why I wake up every day and go for a walk no matter what: I love being able to participate in life instead of watching from the sidelines.

Waiting on the sidelines, waiting for one day, all of it becomes a habit. After a while it became my lifestyle. I don't feel sad about it or have regret or feel like I wasted time, all I feel right now is happy that I've progressed. It truly is possible to turn a sinking ship around. It doesn't happen overnight and it requires effort but it's worth every minute. There's something indescribably satisfying about saying I WANT TO CLIMB UP THAT LIGHTHOUSE AND SEE THE VIEW! and knowing that you can actually do it. And then doing it. And I appreciate it so much more now than I did before, before I started sinking.

This is personal stuff and not my most comfortable area of conversation but I tell you all this because somewhere out there someone is wondering if it is possible to get better and it is possible! As long as you are breathing there is still time. If you had seen me this time last year you would have bet cash money on my dying by stairstep #14. Sure, I still fantasize about my life "one day" and what it will be like (out of habit, mostly). I still need some work under the hood. I'm not even half way. But dammit, I am not giving up. At least I'm not a total spectator anymore.

So I figure this is why God gave me a human body, to use it to climb up a metric buttload of stairs and see the beauty of nature and feel good about being alive and then go off and eat fried chicken sushi and tell you all about it.

Back to the travelogue! Here is the view from the top of the lighthouse, so worth it:

You get rewarded for the climb -- not just with a breathtaking view -- but with a big ol' breeze that cools you off:

Guy and Andrew, trying not to blow away.

"I've seen this lighthouse a hundred times from my boat," said Guy. "But I've never been inside it until just today. This is pretty darn cool, sis."

I agreed!

We stayed up there for a long while just enjoying the day. On the climb down you really notice how crazy steep the stairs are. I made the dudes pause midway so I could take a picture:

So it was a perfect vacation, a vacation full of laughing and talking and eating great food and conquering lighthouses and, just in case I didn't already mention it, driving a vehicle on a beach.

Oh, lonely traffic cone.

Can't leave without one last look at the Puff:

WHY COME NOBODY LOVE PUFF ENOUGH TO GIVE PUFF BACON SANDWICH?

Posted by laurie at 4:35 PM

July 5, 2011

FOUND IT

After a week of having no idea at all where my camera had run off to with my beautiful pictures of vacation and family, I discovered it hiding in the bottom of my shoe bowl.

So many exciting things about that sentence, including "shoe bowl."

Some years ago I acquired a huge rattan bowl sculpture thingy that I originally tried to make into a cat bed with no success. Eventually it became my shoe bowl and I keep it by the front door to hold all my orangutans shoes. How my camera came to rest at the bottom of it is a mystery to all of us, even the flip flops.

And now the camera is making some weird mechanical noises when the lens opens and shuts, nice!, but nevermind all that, because I have vacation pictures to share.

For my birthday my brother Guy gave me all his frequent flier miles and I went out to visit him and his wife Kelli and their kids, Brett and Andrew. It was so much fun! Everyone scoffed at me, "Florida in June! You so crazy!" but it was a great little vacation and fun was had by all.

Many shenanigans transpired between yours truly and one Prince Andrew:

He's ten, the perfect age. One cannot be depressed or lethargic or dumbstruck over one's momentous stupid birthday when one is clowning around and discussing Mortal Kombat with a ten year old boy. IMPOSSIBLE.

And I met Puff! This is Puff:

Behind the scenes, Puff silently endured some beautifying for the photo shoot:

My brother and his family live in this amazing beautiful home that would cost one bazillion dollars in Los Angeles County. Their pool has a waterfall, and it's all screened in so you don't have mosquitoes or dust or interlopers, which I think is brilliant:

Basically it was like staying at a five-star resort without the tedious little hassle of having to pay for it. And they drove me around everywhere. By my citified "I have a view of an alley" standards, their home is out in the lush countryside. How do I know this? I present to you their intersection:

Turtle, dude. At a crossroads. So much metaphor.

While I was there Guy took a day off work to show me the sights in Daytona Beach, which includes a beach that you can DRIVE ON. In a CAR. I don't need to tell you the forty-nine hundred reasons this is a bad idea and why it could never be legal in Los Angeles and how much traffic there would be here while people literally drove into the ocean and honked at seagulls and stuff, so I am just going to show you the pretty and also CRAZY pictures of my brother driving his enormous truck on THE BEACH.

Tomorrow I have more pictures of beautiful coastal Florida (seriously, Florida, your beaches are pretty terrific, even though you can apparently DRIVE on them, which is nuts) and I have pictures of a lighthouse which we climbed, my first ever. It had something like seven million stairs and I was completely fine with that but did not realize until too late that very old lighthouses in Florida are not air conditioned. Whoops.

But before I go... MORE PUFF.

Oh, the cute.

Posted by laurie at 10:15 AM

June 20, 2011

List

Lightpost art in L.A.

So far this morning I...

1) walked 8.21 miles. Took me 2 hours, 16 minutes.

2) drank one liter of water.

3) ate 1/4 of a watermelon.

4) smelled bad.

5) showered.

6) packed up some stuff to take to the post office.

7) petted six dogs. I love walking in L.A.

8) emailed everyone I know to tell them I walked eight miles in one go and lived to tell.

9) contemplated going back to bed, having already accomplished something.

10) wrote this ditty as a placeholder.

I do have actual things to tell you about breakfasts and sweater progress and beer but all of that has to wait until I go to the post office, run some errands and buy cat litter.

Poop waits for no man, or woman.

Posted by laurie at 10:40 AM

June 8, 2011

Apparently I just woke up today and wrote a novel about walking

After I wrote all this I went back and re-read it and thought, "How do I manage to take a simple topic like sticking one foot in front of the other and turn it into a telenovela? FASCINATING."

Mad skills, ya'll. And all while wearing earplugs. More on that tomorrow, maybe, unless I kill the guy with the jackhammer first.

- - -

Reader Julie asked, "Just wondering, in terms of an exercise regimen, would you recommend just a walking regimen? And if so, about how many miles a day would you say make a real difference?"

Hi Julie! I'm probably the least qualified person in the world to be giving fitness tips -- this time last year I was a VERY out of shape, unfit, low-energy, depressed, overweight person. Then again, now I am a completely nutty but less depressed, less fat, less unfit person. So I can at least share what's worked for me.

I have been trying to get back into shape ever since my divorce. I guess I just reached a point where I knew it was now or never, and that was in June of last year. I had to make some drastic changes to my life and my schedule and I needed to get my priorities straight.

I started slow (seriously slow, like glacially slow) and plodded along from June, 2010 to August, 2010. August was just kind of a low point, no walking, nothing. I started up walking again in late September, slow at first and worked up to 30 minutes a day. In November I saw a big difference in moving from a 30 minute walk to a 45 minute walk each morning. My body changed and my mood improved dramatically and my energy level went way up. It wasn't an overnight transformation as you can see. It took five months to work up to a 45-minute walk each day and there were lots of stops and starts along the way.

Now I do about 90 minutes each morning, but I'm also trying to lose weight (not simply maintain fitness) so it works for me. This morning the weather was great (cool and cloudy) so I walked for two hours and twenty minutes! And the first three miles were uphill. CRAZY. My stamina has increased dramatically and I'm much faster. Like everyone there are days when I do less and days when I do more but I try to do something active every day, even if it's just walking to the corner and back.

Having said all that, by far the biggest change came when I added walking up and down hills! I just started that recently after my move. I have been doing this for about six weeks now and in that time my legs have become so strong that I can see a visible difference in my calves. And my fitness level has improved, too. The first few times I tried walking up the Hollywood Hills I about died. Now I do it almost every day.

Even after having one for all these years I am astonished at how well the human body works. The first day I walked uphill I could barely breathe. It gets easier and less huff-and-puff with each passing day. It's like my body has become my own personal science experiment.

The most important thing to remember is that this is a long-range thing. You don't have to walk eight miles today or ever. I started with five minutes and just kept at it.

- - -

Reader Faith wrote, "Hi Laurie! I'm so proud of you for getting all that walking in. I've been walking myself for 2 1/2 miles every day. It takes me about 45 min. So...I'm curious, how long is it taking you to walk those 8-9 miles? Sounds like lots of fun walking in the hills!"

Hi there! Oh, the hills are so beautiful. I had to move so fast I just took the first cheap place I could find that was move-in ready and I was not exactly overcome with happiness about it. But then one day I discovered how close I am to the Hollywood Hills and since that day my whole attitude has changed. It's just so darn pretty.

Right now I do the first two or three miles in the hills and it's slower going, then I switch to flat sidewalks. The current loop I'm doing is 5 1/4 to 5 1/2 miles and takes me almost exactly 90 minutes. If I add in an extra walk in the evenings it's usually just on flat sidewalks and I do about an hour (I seem to be keeping a 3.5-mile-per-hour pace on the sidewalk) so that brings a day's mileage to just over eight miles.

There was one day where I got a little turned around and walked seven miles at one time and that took me about two hours. I felt like I had just cured cancer or something. I was so excited I think I texted everyone I knew and told them about it. Then I showered and went back to bed.

Now I try to do a single long walk (about two hours) one morning a week, and it's about seven miles or just under. Today I walked just over eight miles in 2 hours 22 minutes, mixing both hills and sidewalks.

By the way -- and I know you didn't ask this -- but I completely understand that not everyone is going to be able to fit that long of a chunk into a daily routine right away. Obviously I had my own stuff going on and I personally needed to make this massive lifestyle change. I wanted to change my life and not be a morbidly obese person who was mired in depression and lived for "one day" sometime in the elusive future when I was thin and happy.

So I made changes. Therapy, walking, sleeping, cutting my expenses so I could live on less and have more time to get well. It's a process. It's absolutely working. But I'm not going to lie, it did not happen overnight. It's been almost a year and I'm still kind of in the middle of it. The difference is of course that I am now a whole lot closer to the "one day" version of me than I was this time last year.

- - -

Gaile wrote, "Laurie I am sure you told us this already, but how did you get started walking? I live in a rather hilly area, and I want to get in shape, I'm embarrassed when I am winded walking up two flights of stairs at work, but I get discouraged and honestly sometimes I get scared walking. Not of the neighborhood. Of dropping dead from being out of shape! And I'm not that overweight - maybe 20 lbs - and I work a job where I'm on my feet all the time. But I know I'm out of shape, and want to start walking and enjoying it. Would love to hear your thoughts on that. Hi to Bob and the girls!"

Good morning, Gaile! I am SO GLAD you asked this question because I have a goofy story for you. I bought the Nike sport band thing in January of 2009 and my intention was of course to get back into shape. I was still working at the bank and commuting loooong hours and I had no time to sleep or walk or do anything fun. I was very overweight and I used to get winded putting on my pantyhose. I was determined to start the new year right and do some walking before work each day.

Those New Year's resolutions. What can I tell you. I installed the Nike + thingy and the very next day I set my alarm even earlier than usual to get up and go for a walk.

I was a zombie in the morning. I laced up my new shoes and put on the wrist band and did the steps you're supposed to do to get it to track your time. Then I started my walk. Fitness! You will be mine! If I don't die on this walk!

I made it a whopping six minutes. Seriously. I walked up the sidewalk and back and after six minutes I needed to go back to bed. I was so exhausted and beaten down and out of shape. And later that day when I tried to upload my stellar walk on the computer I discovered the sensor had nothing to upload. I was so mad! I'd paid good money for that thingamajig. Plus I'd gotten up at 3:45 in the morning just to take that six-minute walk.

It took me a few days to realize that I had been walking so slow the Nike chip thought I was standing still and didn't record my walk. SO EMBARRASSING. Ah the good ole days when I was a garden slug.

I kept at it, though. After just two weeks of walking every morning I could see real improvements in my stamina and breathing and all that. Getting started was the hardest part. Staying motivated was the next hardest. For the rest of 2009 my walking went in cycles... sometimes I would get my act together and walk a lot in a month and then there would be three or four months of nothing.

As you can see it hasn't been a straight path from slug to daily walker. It took a lot of stops and starts before I got active. I had to change my whole life's structure and routine and it took time. Even right after my move in March I abandoned walking and just marinated in my own sloth for a few days. The difference now is that the periods of sloth are much fewer and shorter. MUCH shorter. What would have been a three-month spiral of doom and poor eating and depression and general couch potatoness lasted about two weeks.

During my long slow many months of start-stop I did discover two things that may be helpful to you:

1) If you walk in the mornings, a cup of coffee before the walk will make a world of difference! I usually wake up, have coffee and then go out. Just one cup of coffee makes my whole day better.

and

2) You will improve. No matter how out of shape you are the first day you will see improvements (noticeable, serious improvements) in your endurance and strength in just two weeks of walking every single day. It may be a small change but the body is sort of incredible and will surprise you.

I still think about that day when I barely made it around the block. Now I walk at least five miles every morning, half of which is uphill! And this is me we're talking about -- a former slug.

- - -

An email from reader Johnny asked, "Do you listen to music or what when you're walking?"

I'm all about the silence. And also pretty sure this makes some people cringe! No music, no tapes, no ipod, no earbuds, no audiobooks here. I use my walking time like other people use meditation. Those walks are my writing time. I compose paragraphs, work out the plot, write and re-write essays for this website all in my head while I walk. It's the closest I can get to meditating. It's also where I worked out the whole plot for my fiction book.

I've been taking two walks a day lately even when it's hot because of the LOUD CRAZYMAKING construction going on next door. Sometimes I just have to escape, so walking is my quiet time.

- - -

Canadian reader SandyB wrote, "Eight and nine miles! That is freaking awesome. Do you know that that is 12.8 and 14.5 kilometers in Canada ... isn't that the best? And then when we convert weight from lbs to kilograms my 150 lbs is 68.8 kilograms. Rock the metric it is win win!"

I LOVE THE METRIC SYSTEM! I mean listen, I'm American so I have no idea how to use it, but I love it for just the reasons you pointed out. I was on skype a while back with a friend who lives in Europe and I told him how many miles I walked then asked him to convert it to kilometers so I could sound like more of a badass. Yes, I really am that superficial.

Also, GO CANADA!

- - - -

So I love that we're all talking about and thinking about walking. There have been lots of interesting questions and chitchat and emails about walking lately. I'm certainly not an expert and Lord knows I'm not a picture of physical fitness, I'm just a regular shmoe trying to get off the couch.

Maybe that's a good perspective, though! I think if a skinny fitness instructor type told me she had just walked seven miles in one go I would not believe I could do it. But this is me we're talking about. I am carrying some good old fashioned American heft up and down those hills. I just started slow and worked up to it and didn't give up and now I can surprise even myself with my own endurance.

Walking is probably the closest I will ever get to real meditation and I like the way my brain clears out and calms down and it helps me sleep better, too. ALL that good stuff. But let's be real, I also want to lose weight and fit into my pants.

Has walking helped me lose weight? Yes. Absolutely. I saw my friend Corey a few weeks ago and she almost didn't recognize me, in a good way. But is it slow going? ALSO YES. And only now, a year later, I've started to become OK with this. I needed this time to get my mind straight and work through my stuff and I think it's been better for me in unexpected ways, going slow, adding incrementally to progress and fitness. I have had times when I've felt impatient, times when I slugged out and wanted to give up.

A few months ago I started to see how I've always associated walking (an activity I love) with weight loss (a topic I frankly hate). So that in my life walking became something I was "supposed" to do and "should" do and that sucked a lot of enjoyment out of it. In fact, I often avoided the activity all together because there is so much mental crap tied up with being fat/being a failure/not exercising enough.

Around this time I made the division between walking because it feels good and walking for weight loss. I decided that if I never lost another ounce I wanted to keep walking every day because it feels so good. And if people don't like the way I look they can stick it up their hoohah.

So yes, I have lost weight. But I am not skinny. I will probably never be skinny. People who think I need to be skinny need to find other things to worry about. I just do. not. care.

These days I walk because I like it, not because anyone is telling me to walk to lose weight. Something about that distinction has made a world of difference to my outlook.

It has been one wild year of changiness!

----

Last one, promise, about legs and pants and then some navel-gazing:

When I get back from my long walks, like this morning, I take a long, hot shower and then I rub my ankles and feet and calves with castor oil. I know it sounds like some weird old wives tale but it really works for muscle soreness and pain and stuff. And it makes your skin soft, too. I bought a bottle of castor oil at Whole Foods for about $6 and it lasts several months. If your feet or legs get sore after a long hike this may work for you. I love it.

And a few people have emailed me to say they tried the same shoes I'm using (Nike Free Run shoes) with great results. I'm so happy! I love sharing a find that works. So that got me thinking about one last thing:

Pants.

I wasn't going to write about this because it seems sort of embarrassing, but then I saw an article about some lady runner and she mentioned how important her special running shorts were (I think she called them "skins" or something) to cut down on chafing. And this lady was seriously thin and athletic, so it made me think that perhaps this is just a human body issue, not just a chub rub issue.

Last October when I really started ramping up my walking routine, I knew it was time to advance from brief 30-minute and 40-minute walks to longer walks of up to an hour or longer. But the first time I did a long walk I got some serious chafing issues halfway through the walk and had to hobble back two-plus miles home and that was a sad sight. I was just wearing regular old black track pants from Target, and the seams on my pants legs were thick double-knit bumps that rubbed and hurt.

So I went to Target and found these pants with flat seams. Now I know some of you are saying, $36 for a pair of track pants? Are you out of your mind? But hear me out.

If you pay $36 for a pair of pants that don't chafe or rub on your skin and that means you take longer and longer walks with no discomfort, then you are more likely to have better and better health from all that walking and exercising, maybe sleep better, maybe lose weight, maybe feel great. And if you keep on doing it (and don't quit because your shoes hurt or your pants rub the wrong way) you will get fitter and healthier and may even add years to your life.

Is that worth $36 to you?

This is how I've rearranged my life, and it's taken a year to get this far but it's working. I ask myself why I'm willing to spend money on Netflix or cable TV or popcorn or whatever and yet I balk at $36 for track pants. It's small things that can make a big difference.

It's been one year almost to the day that I left the bank and all those little changes have made a big turnaround. Yes, I'm poorer and I can't really afford a vacation and freelancing is uncertain. What's also true is that I'm not the same fat, sad, unhappy, lethargic, stressed-out version of me I was this time last year. I used to wake up each day already behind schedule, angry, and ashamed at what I saw in the mirror. I was depressed and I couldn't sleep and I kept breaking out in hives. Now I wake up and wonder if I should hike up the steep hill or the really steep hill, and then I think about this book I'm writing, I write, I wonder what the day will bring and I look forward to it. I have sad moments and happy moments and awkward moments, but that's normal. I'm not a broken, dispirited, gloomy woman anymore. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Maybe I don't want you to lose hope. If I could turn the bus around I believe it's possible for anyone to do it.

It's not just about walking or eating well or doing what you love. You have to plug in, do whatever it takes to make things work harmoniously, take control of your life and body. But you already know that. I wasn't actually sure this year would work, I knew it was a risk (it still is!) but I'm here to tell you it's actually working. Somehow I managed to turn it all around. It's been slow, and it's not even over yet, but at least I am finally going in the right direction. And really, that is enough.

Posted by laurie at 12:42 PM

June 3, 2011

Question of the week

I love my reader email. Ya'll know I am pathologically opposed to giving advice until someone asks for it, and then I give them not just advice but one of my many half-cocked theories. And I have so many theories! One day I plan to write a book of all my theories. I will call it: My Head Had To Be Surgically Removed From My Own Backside!

Here is this week's email:

Hello Ma'am!

I would like to first state that this is NOT a joke. No matter how funny this may seem.

I was a born and raised southerner ( by the grace of God ) I've spend the last and only 22 years of my life in backwoods Georgia, and to be honest, I've loved every second of it. But now I find myself in a bind.

I've met this girl who happens to live in Las Vegas, and I've met her several times. Like face to face. I've been in her home and shook hands with her father.

My main question is this:

How badly does the world outside of the south suck? Is love worth moving out there to be with her? I figured you would know being a member of Dixie, then moving out west yourself.

I suppose that's it. Thank you kindly for your time and your funny knitting related stories,

Benjamin

Hi Benjamin,
I do appreciate your note. And being Southern myself I can appreciate the reason for your letter and simultaneously feel just fine being called ma'am. Even though I have a traumatizing birthday coming up in a couple of weeks. But enough about me!

Your experience moving out west will depend entirely on your attitude. I have noticed that when it comes to Southerners there are two types: hothouse flowers and kudzu. My philosophy here probably applies to all sorts of folks (New Yorkers, I am looking at you) but I only feel comfortable sharing my harebrained theories if they are based on my own experience. And I know Southerners.

Hot house flowers are fascinating, healthy, and lovely. They are also very particular about their circumstances. They like staying in the same location and dealing with a limited number of variables. They enjoy their regular meals and regular admirers. They hate being hauled out to the parched desert and shoved in a car for hours on end and dealing with pests and irritants. This does not mean there is anything wrong with them -- quite the contrary. They know exactly what they like. They know where and how they will best flourish and bloom. They very much prefer to stay in their hometown environment.

Kudzu will grow any damn where. I am kudzu. I was not the loveliest girl from my high school, or the most popular, or the most affluent. Instead, I was vigorous and determined. As soon as I could scare up the will and the way I moved out west. My life is unpredictable, and I have to clench on to any old thing sometimes. But I have seen a whole lot of this planet, beautiful, amazing things. I have met all kinds of people, I have had experiences that swerve from tremendous highs to crazyass lows but it is never boring and I never give up. Kudzo keeps creeping because it just cannot stay still very long. You can cut kudzu at the knees and next week that shit will be back on your porch.

So ask yourself, "Am I kudzo or a hot house flower?" This is not to say you are born and declared one or the other. You get to choose. I think I was born kudzu but once I landed in L.A. and acclimated (it takes a year or two) I slowly developed Hot House Flower tendencies. Now I am a prissy city person who expects everything to be just like L.A. I suck! But I sure love it here.

Now that I have gone on and on with another one of my ridiculous theories, let me break this down for you:

You are 22. Georgia will always be there. Move to Las Vegas. Throw your heart into it. Choose to be kudzu for a while. Approach it like a challenge. Get into it, visit all the amazing places in the West. Learn the lingo, eat the food, figure out how to have an open, happy attitude. You may not live there forever but while you're there you will have an adventure. And what is life without a little adventure?

Do not get this girl knocked up under any circumstances until you have been together a solid five years. I may be crazy in other areas but in this one I am spot on. Wear a condom. EVERY TIME.

Move. Be your inner kudzu. Take this on like a story you're going to tell someday back in Georgia. I have never once regretted anything I did in the name of true love. Be vigorous and determined. Best of luck to you!

xo
laurie

Posted by laurie at 2:28 PM

June 1, 2011

June first!

Just a quick list with lots of exclamation points!!:

One!
It is June first!

Two!
Vera is a miracle worker and has made lots of progress on that boho boutique sweater! You can follow all the magic here on her blog. Vera! Rocks!

Three!
Reader Dorothy said it best:

Just when you think the innernet is full of weirdos and bossy types, the good shines through in a huge flash of awesome.

AGREED!

Posted by laurie at 9:47 AM

May 28, 2011

Glamour Shots

Perfection.

Perfection that poops.

Posted by laurie at 9:09 AM

May 23, 2011

Book Club: The Great Gatsby

The first time I read The Great Gatsby was in high school. The next time I picked up my worn paperback copy was probably sometime in the pretentious college years when I read classics to look smart and literary but really would have preferred to be reading a grocery store paperback.

I was surprised then how little of this book I remembered when I dusted it off this go around and read it. I felt so much more connected to the story this time. Maybe it was a side effect of reading A Moveable Feast so recently, Hemingway's chapters about his relationship with Scott Fitzgerald were fascinating and after I finished that book I got caught up in a wikipedia loop reading about his life and his marriage to crazy Zelda and her life.

Jay Gatsby doesn't seem that far off to me, he's the Jazz Age precursor to the Kardashians. Or maybe it's more accurate to portray him like any number of wealthy, self-made powerful men who fall from grace in a spectacular burnout (the recent news about the IMF chief come to mind for anyone else?) I thought this novel would read like a relic but has much changed, really? Rich, bored people are the stuff of TV these days. The Real Housewives might as well be a Hamptons garden party .. OH WAIT. It kind of is one.

What stood out to me most on my re-read of this book is the way the author sculpts a scene out of words. You can feel the place. I think this is one of those books that was wasted on me as a young reader, I just didn't have the appreciation for it the first go round but I'm so happy I re-read it. It's a version of the American dream in its own underbelly kind of way.

So what did you think? Had you read the book in high school, too, and what was your impression while re-reading it? What did you think of Jay and Daisy -- sympathetic or vapid? Did the inside peek into Fitzgerald's life from A Moveable Feast enhance your impression of the story? Did you have a moment where you wished you'd been alive in the 1920s? What did you think of Nick?

And finally, did you enjoy the book? Or did it leave you feeling a little sad at the end?

Posted by laurie at 8:44 AM

May 14, 2011

A New Day

After my proclamation freeing myself, I woke up this morning feeling physically lighter. Which is not usually how I feel after a dinner of all tater tots. Lighter! Free!

Then I walked 6.94 miles this morning or so says the shoe sensor. It's all May grey and cloudy so the weather is cool and I feel like I could walk forever. While out and about I took this picture for you:

The whole block of this sidewalk is covered in beautiful blooming bougainvillea. Before coming to Los Angeles I'd never seen this kind of flower and I still think it's one of the prettiest things about L.A.

Here is a home up in the hills with two colors of bougainvillea covering the gate:

This morning on my walk I was thinking maybe all those people who say getting older has its benefits are right after all. Oprah says turning 40 is the best ever and all this time I suspected she was smoking a bowl or just rolling around naked in a pile of money every night. But now I see she was on to something. Perhaps this is the part of life where you decide once and for all to let your freak flag fly and you don't give a damn because you just spent 40 years playing nice and being a good girl and now you're done. DONE, I tell you.

It is so liberating! I even feel taller, people. Maybe later today I will take over a small country! I hope they have watermelon.

As promised comments will re-open in a while, probably next week (definitely for Gatsby) but with a big change, which is that we have all made a solemn pact not to tell each other how to live, who to love, where to worship, what to drive or how to be a "better" human being. There is a whole world of awesome commentation that can go on instead in that space. I am up to this challenge, I hope you are, too.

If this is any indication turning 40 is going to be EPIC. Is this what happens to women when we get older? If so I am totally into it. We will discuss this in the future, I am very interested to hear if you also just woke up one morning and discovered you'd had it up to here with being a good girl who lets people say any old thing they want at any old time. Especially Southern girls, which is a whole special flavor of repressed crazypants. Then we will write a book about it and make ONE MAGILLION DOLLARS.

Now, cat picture:

I was born being over it, lady.

And one last flower picture. This is a rather scrummy and sketchy portion of the city and smack in the middle of it there is a wall tumbling over full of pure white roses that smell like rosewater and rain:

I love city life.

Posted by laurie at 12:40 PM

May 13, 2011

The art project has ended. Officially.

The first online diary I started was in 1998. It was bright pink. Back then I wrote my daily essays using a pseudonym. It was a character I played, no one knew my real name. There were forums and tons of people posted messages but message boards are not quite as personal and direct as blog comments. Here there is no pseudonym, no buffer. The stuff I write on this site is personal. My name is on it. You know what I look like. The comments feel more like a conversation.

Most of the time I love that conversation. I love reading about your lives and kids and dogs and cats and shoes and what you're eating. I adore those comments because they make me feel like I have a social life! Through the blog comments I have learned about all kinds of great products and recipes and websites. I appreciate it and it makes me feel good about life and about writing. I like the way you see the world.

Then there are all the shoulds. You should do this, no you should do that, no you shouldn't clean your house so much, you have OCD and should be on medication, you're an alcoholic and should be at a meeting, you should find Christ, you should buy a new car, you should have a baby, you should leave L.A., you should you should blah blah blah.

It makes me insane. Some folks thrive on that kind of feedback. I do not. It makes me want to stab someone with a knitting needle. It makes me want to end this website and start a new website but with a fake name where I can be free to be myself and not have strangers pee on my cornflakes.

And that is absurd because I already have a great website. And most people who comment are fantastic and I love them. Why should I leave my own house because one or two or 200 people have no filter? This is nuts! So things are changing. Today. Now.

While the rational portion of my brain reminds me people are just trying to be helpful in their own way, and while I constantly remind myself not to be sensitive it isn't working. I am sensitive. The louder part of my brain says SHUT IT DOWN. It's changing the way I write and not in a good way. I self-edit in anticipation of what the naysayers and pickers and pedants will say, sometimes to the point that I give up altogether on a topic and just post a cat picture.

No more. I need to be still and quiet and real and I need to write. That's how I stay sane. In the past month and a half I lost a home, a friend, a lot of money, and now my car. That is a lot of fucking turmoil. It's perfectly normal and natural to be a little fragile when your whole life goes berserk. So listen, I have not handled the recent shoulds all that well. I'm sorry I snapped at people. I know I have been touchy. It's not your fault. This is my responsibility. I made the mistake of letting the comments stand, thinking I could will myself to be a different person that I am. And I didn't set any clear ground rules.

Most days I feel like running off to Mexico to join a cartel and wear billowly MC Hammer Pants and call myself Senorita Gatita. This is a sign that I need to settle down and clear my head. I need time spent in the pure pleasure of writing -- not worrying or defending myself or explaining myself or carefully wording things so that people don't peck at them.

I know other people are awesome at accepting all the advice of the internet. It's just not my strength. That's never going to be my movie. Let's accept it for what it is and move on.

I am no longer going to be the world's largest ongoing communal art project. It isn't working. What does work is this: you share your life, I'll share mine and let's make a pact not to tell each other what kind of car to drive or who to love or where to live or how to worship or where to volunteer. Also, let's all recognize that it's just rude to tell a woman she needs to be medicated because she likes a clean house. That is mad ridiculous, ya'll! Cleaning is great cardio!

The should chapter of this diary is officially over and done. Comments that should me will be deleted and IP addresses will be filtered. I don't need everyone to love me or agree with me or even like what I like. I do need to stop allowing crazyass finger-wagging from people I would not even ask for directions to the store. Like they say, good fences make good neighbors and this is my fence. I'm going to be in a whole new age bracket soon, this is as fine a time as any to start drawing big lines on how I allow people to talk to me.

Wow, I kind of sounded like a badass there. Go me.

And sometimes I may just want to write and not have chitchat, like now, and comments will be closed. That is not a bad thing. Not everything in life has to be a committee vote. Toni Morrison is right, she says each of us needs a place to breathe, a sacred space to cultivate and grow exactly as we wish. This is mine. I want to keep it and not have to run off and join a Mexican drug cartel and assume a new identity. Even though I do secretly think I would look awesome in some MC Hammer pants.

Posted by laurie at 10:17 PM

About comments

We need to talk.

Since everyone gets supremely interested in the comments on/off thing (and since I pretty much hate addressing it) no one ever really knows what's going on with me. So let's address it once and for all. Here is what's really going on.

I started this online diary for one reason: I love to write. I didn't write it for other people or for approval or for feedback or to start a career or a platform or to "social network" or for any reason at all other than my deep desire to blab. I love to yammer on and on about all kinds of things and I needed an outlet and that's how this particular website started. Prior to this blog, a word I still don't much like, I used to write a small, quirky online diary with no comments. That site was funny and kind of bitchy and mostly focused on how much I wanted to eat carbs and how dumb I thought the corporate dress code was. I stopped writing that website when my marriage fell apart.

Before the grumpy carb-crazed diary I wrote and managed an online magazine that was gigantic and had a huge message board community. But even with its massive size there was a buffer for me -- I wrote my daily essays using a pseudonym. It was a character I played, no one knew my real name. And message boards are not quite as personal and direct as comments. The stuff I write here is very personal. My name is on it. You know what I look like. The comments here feel more like a conversation.

Most of the time I love that conversation. I love reading about your lives and kids and dogs and cats and shoes and what you're eating. I adore those comments because they make me feel like I have a social life! Through the blog comments I have learned about all kinds of great products and recipes and websites. I appreciate it and it makes me feel good about life and about writing. I like the way you see the world.

Then there are all the shoulds. You should do this, no you should do that, no you shouldn't clean your house so much, you have OCD and should be on medication, you're an alcoholic and should be at a meeting, you should find Christ, you should buy a new car, you should have a baby, you should leave L.A., you should you should blah blah blah.

It makes me insane. Some folks thrive on that kind of feedback. I do not. It makes me want to stab Debbie Downer with a knitting needle. It makes me want to end this website and start a new website but with a fake name where I can be free to be myself and not have strangers pee on my cornflakes.

And that is absurd because I already have a great website. And most people are fantastic and I love them. Why should I leave my own house because one or two or 200 people have no filter? This is nuts! So things are changing. Today. Now.

I have tried to be graceful and accepting and shrug off the barrage of shoulds. The rational portion of my brain reminds me people are just trying to be helpful in their own way, and I remind myself not to be sensitive but it isn't working. The louder part of my brain says SHUT IT DOWN. It's changing the way I write and not in a good way. I self-edit in anticipation of what the naysayers and pickers and pedants will say, sometimes to the point that I give up altogether on a topic and just post a cat picture.

On the Friday episode of Oprah the great Toni Morrison spoke softly about her need for one sacred space that was all hers, where she was free to be herself. She said that everyone needs a small thing in life that is theirs, something they can put their whole self into. Something nobody else can dictate. And for me that's writing. Especially this website. I built it, I wrote it, I (poorly) programmed the database, I made the goofy artwork. It's imperfect and sometimes the writing is whiny or dorky or badly punctuated or way too selfhelpy but it's all mine. And I get to shape it into what works for me.

What works for me is using this online diary as an outlet, not as a forum for strangers to tell me how to live. I need to be still and quiet and real and I need to write. That's how I stay sane. In the past month and a half I lost a home, a friend and now my car. That is a lot of fucking turmoil. It's perfectly normal and natural to be a little fragile when your whole life goes beserk. I have not handled the recent shoulds all that well. I'm sorry if I snapped at people. It's not your fault. This is my responsibiliy. I made the mistake of letting the comments stand, thinking I could will myself to be a different person that I am. And I didn't set any clear ground rules. Obviously it didn't work.

I need room and quiet to settle down and clear my head so that I don't feel like running off to Mexico to join a cartel and wear billowly MC Hammer Pants and call myself Senorita Gatita.

I need time spent in the pure pleasure of writing -- not worrying or defending myself or explaining myself or carefully wording things so that people don't peck at them. I know other people are awesome at accepting all the advice of the internet but it's just not my strength. That's never going to be my movie. Let's accept it and move on.

I am no longer the world's largest ongoing communal art project. You share your life, I'll share mine and let's make a pact not to tell each other what kind of car to drive or who to love or where to live or how to worship or where to volunteer. Also, let's all recognize that it's just rude to tell a woman she needs to be medicated because she likes a clean house. That is mad ridiculous, ya'll! Cleaning is great cardio!

That should stuff is now over and done. Those comments will be deleted and IP addresses will be filtered. I don't need everyone to love me or agree with me or even like what I like. I do need to stop allowing crazyass comments from people I would not even ask for directions to the store. I'm going to be in a whole new age bracket soon, this is as fine a time as any to start drawing big lines on how I allow people to talk to me.

Wow, I kind of sounded like a badass there. Go me.

And sometimes I may just want to write and not have chitchat. That is not a bad thing. Not everything in life has to be a committee vote. Toni Morrison is right. Each of us needs to have a place to breathe, a sacred space to cultivate and grow exactly as we wish. This is mine. I want to keep it and not have to run off and join a Mexican drug cartel and assume a new identity. Even though I do secretly think I would look awesome in some MC Hammer pants.

Posted by laurie at 7:55 PM

May 12, 2011

8.72 miles

Yesterday I walked 8.72 miles. I got in a little over five miles in the morning and the rest last night. It wasn't a personal best (that happened on Sunday when I got in just over nine miles) but it's memorable because yesterday afternoon I went for a walk when what I wanted to do was melt into a wineglass. And I even broke into a little jog, which may tell you about the energy I am trying to burn off over here. Later I got to pet a big furry dog on the walk back to my apartment.

- -

Oh! A few days ago reader Lisa T. asked:

Since you mainly walk for fitness, have you tried any of the new toning kind of sneakers? I got a pair and love them. My legs are getting a work-out and they are really comfy (tho they take getting used to.) My daughter asked for a pair and she likes them too. There are a couple of places online that have them at pretty good discounts too.

Hi Lisa!
I've seen those commercials for the toning sneakers and they look so interesting. But I haven't tried them, actually when it comes to walking/running I go the opposite direction -- I wear the Nike Free Run, which is about as close as you can get to a barefoot running shoe without going all the way into Vibram five-finger territory. I am VERY happy with the Nike Free Run shoes, they give me just the right amount of structure but without the bulk of a traditional trainer. I made this switch back several months ago after I injured my ankle (at that time I was still wearing the more traditional Nike Air Max sneaker which has a thick, ultra-stable base).

My acupuncture doctor was the one who turned me on to the Nike Free shoes. I'm paraphrasing here but the theory is that a shoe with less heft and structure can work your foot in a more natural way and strengthen your ankles and tendons and stuff. I figured it was worth a try.

I can't verify scientifically that any of this is true and of course everyone has different feet and a different life and disclaimer disclaimer, but the Nike Free shoes have absolutely worked for me! My ankle is stronger and my feet are stronger. My whole stride has changed and evened out and the shoes are so LIGHT it's crazy. They weigh practically nothing. I LOVE THEM.

Another big and surprising benefit of switching to these shoes has been the total disappearance of all blisters. I used to get a weird blister right in the pad of my foot below my big toe anytime I walked over four miles at one time. I just assumed it was because my feet had to get used to walking that much but when I changed shoes all my blisters disappeared. And my feet don't get tired so quickly, I think it might be because the shoes are so light.

They take a little getting used to but now I am a total convert to the Nike Free thing. Since I do almost all my walking on uneven city streets they offer just enough protection from the road and rocks but still give the kind of workout you'd get from being (almost) barefoot. And of course I get to use my Nike+ Sport Band because I am a nerd and love to know my mileage, time and calories burned and I like to see it uploaded in a neat graph format. Honestly that sportband was the best fifty bucks I ever spent. I've had it for two years now and boy has it held up. One day when I am flush again (Dear Universe, soon, please) I might ante up and get the newer fancier GPS version (nerd alert! I love to map my walks!) but for now I am quite happy with what I have.

Also, apparently I am very passionate about my shoes. Sorry for the Novella of Nike. Thanks for the note!! I'm glad you like your shoes, too!

- -

Yesterday Frankie found The Spider. The Spider was in a box that I unpacked and when I got it out I thought, "Do I need to keep this? Do they even want to play with this weird toy anymore?" The Spider is a big uglyass Halloween decoration with long legs that you can pose. I've had it for a few years. It was in a closet at my other apartment and I kind of forgot about it.

But I guess we're keeping The Spider. Frankie was all over it yesterday, she was killing it:

Then she got some help:

But she vanquished him and later fell asleep still hugging that spider. Until I woke her up for the picture:

Cats!

Posted by laurie at 6:53 AM

May 11, 2011

Gratuitous Cat Picture Wednesday

This week has been mad unstable so instead of transcribing what I hope is the last of my run of bad luck, I have decided instead to post pictures of stuff I like. Take that, Suckadelelic Universe. Anyway what I am thinking here is that things will either make a turnaround real soon (as things do) OR I will be writing my next dispatch from the remote badlands of Sinaloa where I will have run off to to join a drug cartel and write narcocorridos that feature bad 1980s hiphop slang. Represent!

STUFF I LOVE

I love all the bougainvillea growing wild in alleys and on hillsides in Los Angeles:

I love the greasy spoon breakfast and pretty much everything about Dupar's:

I love looking up for no reason at all except maybe feeling like someone is watching me and seeing a cat chilling on the second floor window ledge:

And speaking of felines, I love my fur-wearing sentries who keep all the windows here secure and well-watched at all times:

(Notice my awesome pile of boxes in the background. Decorating. It's a modern art installation, people.)

There is a lot going on across the alley, this new nemesis has proven especially daunting:

Bob has it under control:

What do you love today?

Posted by laurie at 9:43 AM

May 6, 2011

Friday Q&A & Cat

At ease, everyone.

A few recent reader questions:

• On the subject of decluttering, reader Connie asked, "I'm puzzled because no one has mentioned selling/yard or garage sales. Does no one do that any more?"

Hi Connie! I love yard sales. It's what I think of as Southern Recycling. I used to have yard sales from time to time when I lived in that little house in Encino-adjacent and had a yard. There are a lot of similarities between this re-adjustment and that one, like moving from a larger space to a much smaller space. But there's one big difference -- no yard! There's just no logical or appropriate place for something like that out here. And it's fine, I like the slower pace of filling up a bag or a box and putting it aside for charity. But I'm pretty sure there are still plenty of folks out there saling the yard!

- - -

• Reader Margot wrote: "I was mystified about why you were keeping either of the fondue pots or the saws. Going from 2 of each to 1 of each still seems like a giant waste of space and energy toward managing STUFF since you don't need either."

Good morning, Margot! The simplest answer I can give you is this: my goal is not to live a spartan, austere life with no decoration.

I love that cool, 1960s atomic-age fondue pot. It's awesome. It makes me laugh when I think about it and it looks fantastic displayed in my home.

The purpose of decluttering in my life is to fit better into my much smaller home, have less overall stuff to move next time and fewer piles of stuff to clean. For me, that means letting go of things that don't make me happy and letting go of things I can easily borrow elsewhere or do without to make room for the things I love.

There were a few commenters who mentioned they were able to get their entire collection of worldly possessions into two suitcases. Two suitcases! I found that astonishing, and while I was intrigued by it I know I am not someone who ever wants to carry my life in a suitcase or two. BEEN THERE. Maybe my childhood turned me into a person who wants to nest and have things, my poor shrink has her work cut out for her. All I know is that for me a two-suitcase life is not the goal. I enjoy all the worldly pleasures that God created, including decorative kitchenware.

The trick is to find a balance here in my home. My goal is no mystery piles, no stuffed closets, no duplicates, no huge unused items hulking in the corner (treadmill, I'm looking at you.) It's a far cry from austerity, but everyone works at their own pace.

- - -

Janice asked, "I wonder what your thoughts are on Kindles or ebooks? We share a great love for books... I'll never give up reading, but the thought of being able to store thousands of books on one device is very appealing. Then again, I don't know that I want to give up the paper version, or having a bookshelf full of my favorite books to display."

Janice, you and I are sharing a mind meld on this one! I love my paper books, too. This move showed me with a big blazing neon sign that I have to re-think my book strategy. I personally buy books as my way to support authors (my choice for obvious reasons.) But I can't move that many boxes of books again. So I'm still going to buy books (OK, if I ever become flush again, which I will, fingers crossed, and until then will read the massive pile of unread books from my own shelves) and when I finish a book I am going to do my very best to pass it along, either to my grandma or mom or the library.

And I'm going to embrace the eBook. I haven't figured out which reader to go with and it doesn't matter since I wouldn't be buying one right this second anyway. But I am getting on that train. This moving business is crazymaking, but if it helps prod me up the technology food chain I think it's not that bad.

- - -

• Reader Cathy in Wisconsin writes, "Just the paranoia coming out, but do you ever find it dangerous walking in the Hollywood hills? I would have a taser in one hand and a can of pepper spray in the other. This is coming from someone who lives in rural Wisconsin though!"

Hello Cathy! This question is timely as I am just about to hit "send" on this entry and lace up my shoes for a climb up into the hills.

I don't find it dangerous territory, the movie stars and labradoodles of the Hollywood Hills are fairly well-behaved. There is the occasional wild-eyed murder suspect running around but you know in advance because of the throng of helicopters hovering overhead.

The Hollywood Hills are spectacular, probably one of my favorite areas in the city. I love the houses barnacled to the hillsides, the strange architecture, winding dead-end roads and odd landscaping choices. I love the views! And the dubious human flotsam down at street level in Hollywood doesn't seem interested in making the trek uphill so it's surprisingly peaceful. When you come visit from Wisconsin be sure to spend a morning driving around the Hills.

Unless you see a throng of helicopters overhead.

- - -

Have a happy weekend filled with decorative fondue pots or similar!

Cat pants crack me UP.

Posted by laurie at 8:27 AM

May 5, 2011

C'mon shake your body baby do that conga, know you can't control yourself any longer

My little offhanded mention of the TV show Extreme Couponing had so many folks talking about the show that I decided I had to watch an episode or two. Ever the TV overachiever I tuned in for a couple of episodes last night and once I got past my initial disappointment that it was not a show about people cutting coupons while skydiving, motorbiking or climbing Everest I was unable to look away. I wanted to hate the show -- the sheer overuse of the word "couponing" alone predisposed me to dislike it -- but it was oddly riveting.

The first episode I caught featured a single mom in Chicago who seemed really normal and frugal and lovely. It also followed a cute young newlywed couple who used a bazillion coupons to buy a truckload of crap for FREE and then they donated the whole load to charity. I liked them a lot. And they didn't just say they were going to donate it, you actually see them doing it. Not the case with one of the other shows where a woman vaguely mentioned the idea of donating one of her eleventeen hundred tubes of toothpaste but you got the distinct feeling she was never letting go of one item.

They may be hoarders but, wow are they organized. And I kind of admire that commitment even though I can't wrap my mind around purchasing or carrying or storing 900 bottles of liquid detergent. I can barely find space for an extra roll of toilet paper here in Apartment Of Unspecified Location. Mostly though I was shocked to learn that some of these folks spend well over thirty hours a week clipping, sorting and fussing with their coupons! This says more about me than the coupon fanatics but the first thought that popped into my brain was, "Thirty hours! You could be writing a novel, lady!"

Overall it was fascinating, though. One gal bought 93 bags of croutons for free with her coupons and nary a head of lettuce in the bunch. Listen, I love me some croutons. But even a loyal and devout crouton fan such as myself can't eat 93 bags of crunchified bread without some salad. But I couldn't hate on her, she seemed so ridiculously happy with her croutons. Whatever floats your boat. It did strike me that this whole couponing/hoarding situation seems like a distinctly North American thing. What do you think?

Yesterday it was hot as the scorching surface of the sun here in Los Angeles so while I watched my reality TV I did a little knitting. To be more accurate I did a little reknitting. When I first started down this wild road paved with so many skeins of wool I had just no idea what I was doing. Honestly. And I knew that everyone said not to knit a heavy scarf in stockinette because it would allegedly roll into a long tube. Yeah, yeah yeah. Why I thought the rules of physics and alchemy and stockinette did not apply to me is a mystery of my id. Oh the bravado of new crafters! So I knitted myself a longass stockinette scarf with big ol' pompom ends and sure enough I got myself a tube to end all tubes:

The pompoms rock, though.

I carefully unfastened the big poms from the tube and started unknitting the tube and reknitting it into a perfect garter stitch scarf. I don't care how uncultured and uninteresting you think I am, I love me some garter stitch. This is a perfect project for a little afternoon knitting. It makes more sense that I would spend my winters knitting wool items that I can't wear here in my beloved city because it never really gets cold enough to require more than a windbreaker anyway. BUT I prefer to knit in the summer. It's my thing. I like hibernating in the heat of the day with sticks, strings and a furry yarn-holder-downwer:

Aw, I love her.

Posted by laurie at 12:57 PM

May 4, 2011

Bits and Bobs

BITS

There has been so much going on in my TV life! There was of course the Royal Wedding and then the big international Navy SEALS Are Hot news and those crazy real housewives of New York. This is turning out to be a great May sweeps season. I love teevee.

Oh, speaking of New York... have you seen this video on youtube of a woman living in a 90 square foot apartment in Manhattan? I find New Yorkers to be utterly fascinating, like they are from another world. Apparently no one ever cooks in New York City and everyone uses the oven for storage. All I know about New York I have learned from TV and TV never lies.

And there is new Obesity TV, you know I never miss a moment of that. Have you been watching Addicted To Food on OWN? You could not pay me a bazillion dollars to get in front of a camera or sit in a group and talk about my mommy issues but it does make for oddly voyeuristic TV. Also, is it true that there is a television program called Extreme Couponing? Does it feature people with gigantic scissors cutting coupons while skydiving? This is what I imagine.

The most interesting interview I've seen in a long time was yesterday's Oprah show with Shania Twain. Half the time I was thinking, hello! She went through my divorce! Except of course I did not live in a Swiss Chalet. And I didn't personally know the other woman. And also I am not a famous country singer. But still! Such similar emotions. After I saw the interview I recorded a season pass to Shania Twain's new docu-reality-show also on OWN. Oh Oprah Winfrey, you and your network will keep me happily indoors on hot days.

LIKE TODAY.
It's going to be 97 degrees today! Summer came on early and strong! If you're not watching TV it's perfect weather to go to the beach with a book, and my book of choice is of course The Great Gatsby, our book club selection for May. Don't forget to come back on May 23rd to talk about the book! You still have time, it's a very slim little novel and you can read it in a weekend. And you'll feel smart at parties. "What did you do last weekend?" "Oh, just the usual, made spaghetti, did a little shopping, read The Great Gatsby, worked on a cure for cancer."

May 23rd! Great Gatsby Book Club Discussion!

OTHER STUFF

Reader Johann wrote: Can you do a blog post on tips for moving REALLY fast? I'll bet you learned something from your sudden move.

Well, I did learn many things and although I'm not sure how useful they will be I am happy to share.

1) When you have to move FAST -- even if you hate it and don't want to do it and have all kinds of emotional issues about it -- the priority is to move first, fall apart majestically later.

2) The essentials are: find new place, switch utilities, get your mail forwarded (you can do it online), get boxes and tape, get packed, get moving. I didn't have time to sort and file and pare down before the move and I didn't have time to be super organized and color code or label boxes and in fact I didn't even have time to clean this new apartment before moving into it. BUT I LIVED. Take care of the essentials and the rest will follow.

3) Get busy. The natural human tendency is to sit in the closet and gnaw on your arm but the process will go much easier if you just 100% commit to the move and get it done. You can even make a nice running list of stuff to complain about later, and stuff to worry about later. Resist the urge to huddle in a ball under the covers. Pack a box instead.

4) The world will keep spinning on its axis if you just throw all your stuff randomly into boxes. It won't be the easiest move but you will live.

5) Pack one suitcase or special box or bag with your underwear and REMEMBER WHICH ONE IT IS.

6) Ask the movers to move your fridge out last and in first so you can get it plugged in as quickly as possible. (I didn't have time to even clean out my fridge before the move and still, I lived!) (Of course maybe where you live apartments come with refrigerators. Not so in the city of Angels.)

I guess what I am saying here is that even if your move is unexpected and awful and afterward you have to go to therapy twice a week like some people and hide in your closet and cry into a pizza, it's OK. After the big sucking part you will, in time, manage to figure out a new normal. This is not comforting in the moment and probably not helpful during the move. But I figure if an OCD control enthusiast such as myself can do a massive throw-it-together move completely by herself in two-and-a-half days (except for the actual day of the move I hired some guys) and still be standing upright then anyone can do it.

(Wow that last sentence was crazy convoluted. Take that, editors of the world!)

A move doesn't have to be perfectly organized or plotted three months in advance or carefully coordinated. Yes, that would be ideal. But sometimes you just have to go with it and make the very best of what you've got.

I think that's what I learned from this whole experience. There was a part of me that deeply wanted to push against it and resist it and dig my heels in and complain like it was the World Olympic Complaining Marathon. But the very best course of action for me was to go with the flow, accept the reality, get it done and deal with the fallout later. It's been a few weeks now and I'm still worried about how much this cost and I still can't quite fit my sofa in my new living room in any configuration that makes sense, but I'm alive. I'm alive and I have a roof over my head and I finally got the yarn unpacked.

Hope your move goes well. Use the cheapy brown tape instead of the clear moving tape -- it's stickier and works better.

- - -

And now for BOBS:

Posted by laurie at 9:27 AM

April 29, 2011

Oh Happy Day!

You know it's going to be a good day when you wake up, watch a Royal Wedding, go for an almost-five-mile walk up in the hills (!!) and come home to this breakfast:

Seriously, is there a better summertime breakfast than a sweet slice of cold watermelon? It feels like summer already here because it's so warm out. I had my doubts about the early season on-sale melon supply but this was the best $4.22 I have spent in a long time. I think I can probably eat a whole watermelon in a day. Today may be that day.

When Jennifer was last here visiting me a few weeks ago -- she had just moved up to San Francisco and I had just moved into Undisclosed Location -- she saw me at my trainwreck lowest, and she made a suggestion that stuck with me.

"Don't forget about walking, that always seems to make you feel so much better," she said. She's known me a long time and she was absolutely right about the walking.

Last week I found a route that takes me up out of this transient little pocket and up into the winding Hollywood Hills, one of my favorite areas in the entire world. I love the rambling houses precariously tipping down the hillsides, I love the quirkiness of the neighborhoods and the lush quiet.

(It was cloudy and the camera focused on the flower, but the view from that gate was spectacular.)

Walking costs nothing, requires no special equipment (other than comfortable shoes) and takes no studied skill or precision. But after just a few days of walking every day I can feel a huge difference in my attitude, my energy level and my optimism. When my life gets crazy out of control it seems like the first thing to go is anything good for me -- exercise gets pushed aside, I drink too much, I eat crappy food, I stop sleeping. But I have decided that as far as strategies for living go my descend-into-madness routine SUCKS. Next time I hit a stressful patch I'm going to try my humanly best to do at least one positive thing for myself and that is to walk. Walk as often and as long as possible. Walk, and then walk some more.

- - -

Just want to say that my thoughts are with everyone in the South. I can't think of anything scarier than a tornado. Honestly. I saw Maury County on the news last night but they didn't show much, I hope everyone is OK!

Is there some weird life-rattling cosmo stuff going on? Seems like the whole planet is getting it. Usually I don't go out into the Shirley Maclaine territory, much, but my friend Astrologer Phyllis promises that come mid-May life smooths out and becomes sweet. And you know what, I have decided to believe her. That's right. If it is good enough for Nancy Reagan it is good enough for me.

Hang in there, everyone.

- - -

Mysterious Lump On A Friday:

Lump, Uncovered:

Posted by laurie at 10:49 AM

April 26, 2011

Thanks & such

Thanks everyone for chatting with me about your life. It was fascinating, and appreciated.

Veddy inneresting, indeed.

Posted by laurie at 9:37 AM

April 22, 2011

Do you have real-life friends?

Do you have friends, a social circle? Or are you dangling out there alone in this realm?

I'm curious and want to know.

Also, good for this research endeavor: Do you live in a city or a small(ish) town? Are you close to your family? Also are you the kind of person who has Easter plans to be with your kids and extended family or is your Easter about doing laundry and catching up on your Tivo? [Anthropological disclaimer, I will be doing laundry and eating chocolate at breakfast then going for a jog to offset the disgust.]

The other remaining question for my small scientific study: Is your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other the primary occupant of your social circle?

Thank you for participating. Mainly hoping to offset my own perceived failures.

Posted by laurie at 10:07 PM

April 19, 2011

Winner, some chitchat, new book club, cat picture

And the winner of yesterday's giveaway of Knitting Plus: Mastering Fit + Plus-Size Style + 15 Projects by Lisa Shroyer is... DAH DAH DUM! Marjorie at 11:49:44. Check your email. Yay! Book giveaways are fun. Thanks again to Jaime Guthals at Interweave who always sends such unusual and beautiful books to share.

- - -

Reader Catherine in Australia wrote:

Hi Laurie, I really hope that things are settling down again and life is getting better for you (and the kitties too). This is probably the last thing on your mind right now, but I was wondering if you have any plans to continue with the book club? I have almost no chance of getting to an actual bookclub (due to 3 kids, part-time work, no babysitter etc) so I loved the idea of the virtual bookclub. I also have very limited reading time (like 15 minutes after the kids are in bed if I am lucky!) and I like to get a head start on my reading to catch up with everyone else, so I wondered if you might have any books in mind for the club. Lots of goodwill and best wishes, Catherine

This was perfect timing! I was just unpacking a box yesterday and found my high-school copy of The Great Gatsby and I almost abandoned my already marginal attempts at unpacking to go sit in a corner and read about old Tom and Daisy Buchanan. So that's it, it's official:

Book Club for May: The Great Gatsby
(paperback version | kindle version)
Let's meet back here to chitchat and discuss The Great Gatsby on Monday, May 23, 2011.

The "bookclub" is really just an online read-along and anyone who feels like participating can check out the book during the month and then make a date to come back here and comment on the book and read what others think about it. (Yes, comments will be open that day. Har har.) It's by far the best book club I've ever been to because there's no obligation, you don't have to drive anywhere, and you can drink and eat anything you want while reading and writing comments. And if I manage to get some de-stashing back in gear I will send one lucky commenter home with some yarn or a book or some jeggings.

Just kidding. Like I would part with some jeggings.

- - -

OR you could read my manifesto. You're in it.

- - -

Recently reader Bonnie asked me on Twitter:

What are the best positive, empowering, self-helpiest books you can recommend?

That would be a mighty long list. I read self-help for many reasons, including I SO CRAZY. For many years I read helpy books when I wasn't going to a shrink, books were my therapy-by-proxy. Now that I am seeing a professional I don't read as much self-help. Mostly I read Entertainment Weekly and Ready Made and odd collections of essays by writers from the 1960s.

But the self-help books I keep on my shelves are the ones I recommend:

• The Four Agreements - A short book, with concise writing (I get irritated at self-help that's formatted like a legal textbook.) You can breeze through this in an afternoon but the lessons will stick with you.

• The Mind of the Soul: Responsible Choice - You can't get any better than this Gary Zukav book.

A New Earth Before Oprah picked this book for her book club I had flipped through a few pages and put it down, too much work. I think the sentence structure makes the reading more dense than it needs to be. Having said that, I re-picked it up for her book club and reading this book from the beginning to the end made me feel like a new version of myself. There is a passage in this book about sinking below thought vs. rising above your thoughts and that section alone probably changed my life.

• The Book of Awakening - I don't want to oversell this book, because I think it either hits with you or it doesn't. The format itself is one of my favorites, I love a good daybook. Remember when the world was on fire with Sarah Ban Breathnach's daybook Simple Abundance? I love this format and I think Mark Nepo is brilliant and writes lovely paragraphs. I keep it in the bathroom. Is that wrong?

• The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success - Gotta have some Deepak on the list. This is my favorite of his books. The idea that money must flow in and out changed my thinking about money completely.

• Bridge to Terabithia - I know this isn't self-help. But this little piece of perfect makes me think about life in a new way each time I read it.

• Ditto A Wrinkle in Time

That's my short list. Many self-help books directed at women involve self-esteem or finding a man. I don't read those books. I've always been mystified by the cult of self-esteem when (to me) self-mastery is such a better quality to cultivate. And when it comes to bagging a man, I'm waiting for the Laurie's Guide To Marrying Al Gore paperback.

- - -

I fit in this handy carrying case so obviously, I am your new laptop.

- - -

Comments are not available on this entry.

Posted by laurie at 5:33 AM

April 18, 2011

In defense of We Who Clean

Since I had about six hours to find a move-in ready apartment (that was pet friendly) (and affordable) (with covered parking) (in Los Angeles) I took the lightest definition of move-in ready. This apartment was empty and the carpet had been put in but nothing had been cleaned. There was no time to clean it myself ahead of move-in day, move-in day being the next day and all, so I moved in and then cleaned.

Cleaning is therapeutic for me, and every time I mention my love of scouring or scrubbing it sends some folks into a bad place. Readers caution me that I should be on OCD medication, that I need therapy, that it's unnatural to love cleaning house, that my behavior is worrying.

I thought about this last week as I scrubbed the bathroom floor. I wanted to write about the floor, about the sensory experience of that morning, I was as close to happy as I had been in days. The bucket was filled halfway with hot water and swirled inside the bucket was a touch of Dr. Bronner's eucalyptus soap and a sprinkle of baking soda. I wore my heavy-duty rubber gloves and beneath them I wore my moisturizing gloves, giving my poor old hands a break. While Sheryl Crow sang in the background, I used a stiff-bristled brush to scrub away the detritus of the renters who lived here before me. And probably the ones before that, too. Clean tiles, clean grout, clean baseboards, clean and so good-smelling.

After scrubbing for half an hour and wiping down the tile floor with a clean towel I smiled at my handiwork and felt good. My arms were pleasantly tired and aching like they'd had a good workout. The room smelled fresh and the floor and baseboards were finally clean.

Oh yeah, can't write about this, those people already think you lost your damn mind.

But it's no wonder I love cleaning -- it's a physical activity, one that burns more calories than a midday stroll. It's repetitive in the wax on/wax off zen way, it uses different muscle groups, you sweat, you get to use interesting products and tools, and at the end you have a tangible visible result. In that way it's like knitting -- you knit for two hours and something is visibly created from your needles and yarn. You clean for two hours and get the same good feeling of a tangible creation.

Of course I get the luxury of enjoying cleaning because I don't have to do it. No one expects me to wash up or do laundry or dust. No one cares if I have vacuumed today or yesterday or two weeks ago. Not one person on the planet is looking over my shoulder, taking inventory of my homemaker skills. I'm accountable to no one, only myself.

This idea of being accountable to no other soul on earth seems to terrify many people. I mentioned it to my brother once, and I could see him become visibly discomfited.

"That's crazy, sis," he said. "You need that kind of security. I need all those people around me, my wife, my kids, my friends, my business partner, the folks from church."

And he does, and he has built a good life out of his accountability to his wife and children and work and church. He and I are just wired up differently.

Many people believe that if they are accountable to no one -- not a spouse or a roommate or a child or an employer -- they will go entirely off the rails, act out, go crazy.

I like being free and responsible only to myself. I prefer it, really. It made me grow up, for one thing. It brings out the best parts of my personality: self-reliance, fiscal responsibility, acceptance, action, humor. There's no one to blame but me so I'm learning to make better decisions and to cut myself some slack about them.

Since I'm not being checked up on or watched or graded or reviewed I can choose my behavior and do what feels right to me. This has had the odd result of making me more socially aware. For example, I stop at stop signs even when no one is around because it feels right and I like voluntarily participating in the rules of the road. That's a nerdy example, but you get the idea.

With no one asking me to clean up after myself, and with no humans living with me, cleaning is completely optional. I used to hate cleaning my room as a kid, I loathed all the chores I had to do. Clean the bathrooms every Saturday morning, vacuum, do laundry. Every day there were dishes to be done and shoes to be put away. When I got married I did all the housework and resented every minute of it. I got so angry once I went on strike but I was the only one who noticed.

All those years when someone expected me to clean house I was resentful and irritated and didn't want to do it. I tidied up out of obligation and necessity. I loathed it.

A few years after my divorce I went on a particularly zealous cleaning spree in the tiny Encino-adjacent house. I noticed I lost four pounds in six days and slept so hard each night that I woke refreshed and happy. It wasn't from healthy eating or drinking, I can promise that much. So I thought about all the cleaning and scrubbing and floor-refinishing I'd done and looked up the calorie counts online for housecleaning. That was the day I made the connection between cleaning and stress relief. Of course it's stress-relieving! It's a physical workout as good as jogging (especially the way I do it) and at the end you have a visible result, like you do in knitting. And I can clean for hours on end. Put on some great music, open the windows, wear comfortable clothes, get out the good-smelling soap.

It's not OCD gone wild, or part of my scary transformation into Girl Who Lives In Bubble, or some condition of crazy that requires medication. I enjoy having a clean home. The cats very much enjoy it. It's better than starting a heroin addiction. And cheaper.

- - -

My cleaning tools are remarkably low-tech:

Scrub brush, toothbrush, sponge, Mr. Clean Magic eraser, heavy gloves, good bucket and tool caddy.

My go-to cleansers:

I use cleansers that are low or non-toxic. Mostly Dr. Bronner's soap (I love the different scents), vinegar, baking soda, and Shaklee H20. The Shaklee cleanser is very expensive but it lasts forever. I've had this one bottle since 2005. You put a few drops in a spray bottle, add water and it's a glass cleaner and surface spray. It works like a charm and is so non-toxic you can bathe in it. I do not bathe in it, though.

That pizza shaker is full of baking soda. I use baking soda everywhere, it cleans everything! Try it on a sponge to remove soap scum off a shower door. You will be shocked how well it works.

The heavies:

These cleaners are toxic, and I use them sparingly. I use Ajax with bleach for the toilets, especially in a new rental place. Bleach if necessary for sinks, tubs, general disinfecting. To remove the black mildew that was in the tub grout, I wet cotton pads with bleach and pressed them into place and let them stay for a few hours. It worked!

I try to limit the amount of toxic (heavy) cleaners but used sparingly they can help keep your home disinfected and clean.

And this is my main man when it comes to cleaning:

It's also a calorie-burning king.

Posted by laurie at 8:46 AM

April 4, 2011

Therapy Session

Me: So, right. I have two events back-to-back this week and one of them is a signing, on Saturday. And my hands are ... like ... kind of raw. From, uh, you know, the hand washing. Like lots of hand washing. I'm really doing the hand washing. And I want my nails to look pretty but I'm doing some crazy right now.

Shrink: Would you say it's more than the usual hand washing?

Me: Like more than the tenth power of unhinged. Yes. More hand washing.

Shrink: What are you thinking when you're washing your hands?

Me: Uh. Huh?

Shrink: If you can put a voice to your anxiety it will help. What are you anxious about?

Me: How long is our session? Cause I got everything from radiation cloud to money to pizza in the closet.

Shrink: Can say out loud the anxious thought as you go to wash your hands compulsively?

Me: That depends.

Shrink: That depends on what?

Me: CAN I STILL WASH MY HANDS ANYWAY

Shrink: Uh, yes. Sure.

Me: OK. I'm down with verbalizing. As long as I can still wash my hands.

Shrink: How are you on moisturizer?

Posted by laurie at 6:28 PM

April 1, 2011

I pity the April fool!

I don't actually have anything to say, but I have been waiting all year to break out my Mr. T voice and say that line, so there you go. I pity the April Fool!!!

Also, SO MUTHAEFFING HAPPY that March is over.

Posted by laurie at 1:33 PM

March 31, 2011

Happy Birthday, Al Gore

Dear Al Gore,

Happy 63rd birthday! If we go by the Official Law Of Dating Ages, whereby one can date anyone who is at least half your age plus eight, I am inside the safety zone so we can go out. Tomorrow! Call me!

Love,
Laurie

P.S. I just bought a new catalytic converter for the Jeep so it could pass the California emissions test. And GUESS WHAT! Today when I got the (hot, sexy, RED) Jeep re-tested my studmobile not only passed smog testing but its emissions had also fallen below the state averages. I believe I am practically producing pure oxygen from the tailpipe of that sexy little ride. Just think it through. We could be so good together.

P.P.S. Plus I am already completely packed up and could move again, like tomorrow. Love!

Posted by laurie at 3:23 PM

March 23, 2011

It's raining nuts and coconuts

While I tend to suck at fulfillment -- not the hippy dippy kind of fulfillment, but the prize-in-mailbox type -- I just got back from an hourlong marathon at the post office and books have been sent, packages mailed, little notes enclosed!

The winners were:

Monday: Ami Ami Dogs: Seriously Cute Crochet
Winners: Katrina in MA, Melba in TN
Pending: Annie in Norway who needs to check her email!!!

Tuesday: A Knitting Wrapsody
Winners: Janet in NY
and commenter Denise L (at 11:52) who needs to check her email!!

Wednesday: Knitting Block by Block: 150 Blocks for Sweaters, Scarves, Bags, Toys, Afghans, and More
Winner: Rebecca in Washington

Thursday: The Art of Knitted Lace: With Complete Lace How-to and Dozens of Patterns, Warm Knits, Cool Gifts: Celebrate the Love of Knitting and Family with more than 35 Charming Designs, Cables Untangled: An Exploration of Cable Knitting
Winner: Tracy in VA

Friday Bookfest giveaway: One Ball Knits Purses: 20 Stylish Handbags Made with a Single Ball, Skein, Hank, or Spool, One Ball Knits Gifts: 20 Stylish Designs Made with a Single Ball, Skein, Hank, or Spool, Jil Eaton's Knitting School: The Complete Guide to Becoming a Confident Knitter, 60 Quick Knits: 20 Hats*20 Scarves*20 Mittens in Cascade 220, Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair and Home Is Where the Wine Is
Winner: Ethel in California

Thanks again to all the people who played along!

- - -

It's raining again. And I have a philosophical question for you which is not weather-related but seems to fit in with the soggy forecast.

How you deal with crazy stuff? Do you run and hide or do you try to take a stand and hope that truth and sanity will prevail?

I'll be honest, I'm of the run and hide variety. It's not that I'm a coward (much) but that I don't like getting into the mud. I'm Southern at the core, just hoping people will mind their manners and be polite. But sometimes you get dragged into a thing. What do you do then? Pray? Drink? Knit a cloak of invisibility? All of the above?

I know this is sketchy on details, and one day later I will tell you the very true story of March 23rd, 2011. I've just had a hard day and right now I kind of wish I had superpowers, like a lasso of truth and some kind of justice ring. I would even settle for a jetpack to make a speedy exit. But all I have are these cats and my excellent selection of curling irons.

What a day, folks. What a day.

Posted by laurie at 2:37 PM

March 22, 2011

Catch Up

1) We had a storm and my cable and internet both went out, and that was sad, and somehow I feel behind on all things in my life, and then the sun came out, and now I have a to-do list twelve feet long. Not sure what happened!

2) There is an inspection today in my building and people are milling around all over the place and I wonder if the CIA is about to bust in and take over this Russian Spy Ring I call home.

3) Since there was no cable I watched all he Bourne DVDs last night, might explain # 2 there.

4) I have to vacuum.

5) This is just a stopgap post to fill space until I can sit down.

Cat Pants!

Posted by laurie at 11:49 AM

March 18, 2011

Final Freebie Book Day: So many books, so little time!

I just love any headline that ends with an exclamation point. So professional. (!!!)

Today we wrap up the big week of knitting book giveaways with a big pile of knitting awesomeness (and two drunken masterpieces by yours truly.)

All six books go to one lucky winner!

• One Ball Knits Purses: 20 Stylish Handbags Made with a Single Ball, Skein, Hank, or Spool by Fatema, Khadija, and Hajera Habibur-Rahman

• One Ball Knits Gifts: 20 Stylish Designs Made with a Single Ball, Skein, Hank, or Spool by Fatema, Khadija, and Hajera Habibur-Rahman

• Jil Eaton's Knitting School: The Complete Guide to Becoming a Confident Knitter by Jil Eaton

• 60 Quick Knits: 20 Hats*20 Scarves*20 Mittens in Cascade 220

• Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Hair and Home Is Where the Wine Is by Ye Olde Crazypants

Quick overview and credit:
Watson-Guptill publishes such great knitting books, the one-ball series is my favorite, though, because there are so many cute ideas for using up that one last skein in your stash. The Cascade 220 book (60 Quick Knits) surprised me with how much I loved it -- there are tons of fun projects in this book and it's a keeper for any knitter. I highly recommend it! Thanks to the folks at sixth&spring for sending this copy. Potter Craft sent the Jil Eaton book, fantastic for new knitters and a good reference for anyone who likes sticks and string. Jil Eaton has a way of explaining complicated techniques in real words that make sense. And of course there are my two tomes thrown in there for good measure. It's quite a pile of books for your knitting shelf!

Just so you do not believe all hope is lost in the world, I'm going to let you in on a secret. I still have a few other books set aside to give away later so all the giving goodness has not been depleted. Maybe we can do that next month.

RULES
To be eligible to win, post a comment in the comment section of this entry. Comments will close tomorrow. Winner(s) chosen at random and notified by email. Good luck!

NOTE
If you want to win you need to include a valid email address with your comment. IF you do not want your email address to show up beneath your comment name, you must enter some web address in the URL field. This is internet tomfoolery! I'm sorry I am bad with the code. Anyway, you can just type http://www.crazyauntpurl.com in the URL if you want.

ALSO!
If you don't want this book but still want to comment by all means please do, but let me know you aren't interested OR just leave off your email address.

- - -

I'M A CHATTERBOX

• Girly topic of the day: Rimmel London Mascara
Have you seen the ads for this mascara on TV? It promises to make your eyelashes gloriously reminiscent of the swingin' sixties. It's called Lash Accelerator Mascara and cute Zooey Deschanel is the spokesmodel for the line. Have you tried it? I like the idea. I don't wear much makeup but I like mascara as it is the bane of the blonde existence to have light eyelashes. I'm curious if I buy this product will I turn into Twiggy? Or, better yet, Zooey Deschanel?

Hope springs eternal.

My wise friend Jennifer has a wonderful attitude about what we should and shouldn't splurge on in these scary recession belt-tightening times. "Don't deny yourself the nailpolish or similar," she advises. ""This is equivalent to ladies splurging on lipstick in the war days. So much impact for so little cash." And I agree!

- - -

• Speaking of Jennifer, last night she emailed me a story that I now must share with you. It sparked much debate between us. You can read it here and then come back to weigh in. (Story opens in a new window.)

Jen, being the smart and glamorous lawyer that she is, was intrigued that Game Warden Travis Buttle had spoken to two people on East Street, but not McDonald, about the squirrel. I agreed with her from a legal perspective that this seems like quite a lapse in his investigation.

YET. The core of our lengthy (really lengthy) discussion was about how we both felt sorry for the squirrel. In fact I believe I very much over-identify with the animal, as I myself have felt like clawing and biting people after times in my life of deep betrayal.

The squirrel and I both need help, it seems. Loose cannons abound.

- - -

• Claire Griffiths asked, "What is the next book for the bookclub?"

Hi Claire! I haven't picked it yet. Next week! Promise! Did you have something specific in mind? I'm leaning toward The Great Gatsby. It's short and it's something we've all been saying we need to re-read for a while. What do you think?

- - -

• Theresa P. writes, "Those Noro gloves ... so matchy-matchy. Impressive. How come my Noro always has some wacky color from out of nowhere right in the middle of my otherwise normal color runs?! (Not to mention the knots.) Me and Noro -- not always the best of friends.

Theresa, I have become so neurotic about the Noro. It's partly my personality but also I think something about the colorways brings out the crazy. I honestly searched all the way through the skein to find a matching colorway for the second glove. AND then when it seemed the yellow was going on a bit too long, I snipped the yarn, reconnected it and started knitting again. I am NUTS. Seriously.

- - -

• Mo said, "I've noticed that there are more pictures of the Himbo than the girls. Is it just because he's a total ham for the camera? Or that he's always around for the attention?"

Bob, a true Himbo if ever one existed, is most often the target of my camera because he is my constant little shadow. His favorite thing (other than eating Greenies) is helping me write:

This is my workspace: computer, cat, keyboard. Awesome. If I could teach him to program a database we'd be in business. Below is a shot from earlier in the week. It's my current favorite picture! I love that the magical combination of lighting, focus and adorableness came together all at one time:

- - -

Well, there you have it. A week of freebies! Thanks so much to everyone for playing along. I personally have been a little stressed out (read: sometimes in panic) about current world events and it's so nice to read all your witty comments and hear about your pets, kids, your philisophical stance on nailpolish, and your entrelac feelings. There's a calm reassurance to it all. I do read every single comment and I appreciate all the chitchat. Just brightens up the whole day!

Good luck for the win!

Posted by laurie at 9:08 AM

March 17, 2011

Thursday's Books: Knitted Lace, Warm Knits Cool Gifts, and Cables Untangled

This week of freebie books has been fun, can't believe it's already Thursday! Today I'm giving away two new titles and one tried-and-true:

• The Art of Knitted Lace: With Complete Lace How-to and Dozens of Patterns featuring patterns by Kristin Omdahl, Lisa Llloyd, Annie Modesitt, Phoenix Bess, Berta Karapetyan, and Melissa Matthay

• Warm Knits, Cool Gifts: Celebrate the Love of Knitting and Family with more than 35 Charming Designs by Sally Melville

• Cables Untangled: An Exploration of Cable Knitting by Melissa Leapman (NOTE: The version I'm giving away today is the hardcover original, not the paperback in the amazon.com link)

The first two books mentioned are fairly new releases. The cables book is a classic, this is the hardcover version. All three books will go to one winner. Much love to Potter Craft for the books and for the general awesomeness that is the Potter Craft world.

RULES
To be eligible to win, post a comment in the comment section of this entry. Comments will close tomorrow. Winner(s) chosen at random and notified by email. Good luck!

NOTE
If you want to win you need to include a valid email address with your comment. IF you do not want your email address to show up beneath your comment name, you must enter some web address in the URL field. This is internet tomfoolery! I'm sorry I am bad with the code. Anyway, you can just type http://www.crazyauntpurl.com in the URL if you want.

ALSO!
If you don't want this book but still want to comment by all means please do, but let me know you aren't interested OR just leave off your email address.

- - -

LET'S CHITCHAT

• Polished nails
I stopped polishing my nails when I stopped getting acrylics. About four years ago I had beautiful fake Southern-girl acrylic nails, oh I loved them. One day I went for a fill and something went very, very wrong. Within days my beautiful long nails turned icky colors reminiscent of the bayou swamps of my youth. NOT GOOD.

Mostly I was terrified of my fingers falling off since typing is my life. I woke up in a panic one night wondering how on earth I would type if all my fingers rotted off and the next day I returned to the shop crying and freaking out and made them remove the acrylics (and it HURT) and I never went back. It took months for all that crap to grow out but my fingers did not fall off as you probably guessed. Drama queen that I am.

Now I just keep my nails clipped very short and plain. But last week something came over me and I painted my nails. This week I even bought new nail polish, a garish and quite awful race-car yellow color that I rather like. Something about having polished nails makes me feel girlier, in a good way. (Though not good enough to take a picture of my stubby man hands and post that on the internet, so it seems.) Where do you stand on the nail polish situation?

- - -

• Pawdua says, "I know you don't like to speak in public but too bad you couldn't go to all the Stitches and have a meet the author class and get paid. Then all your blog fans could meet you."

Hi Pawdua! I am really quite terrible at public speaking, and also don't leave the house much, but if that combo is intriguing to you AND if you're local you are in luck! I am doing two back-to-back events in one weekend next month which is almost unheard of with me. The first is Friday, April 8th at the RT Convention (my friend Rachael and I are doing a panel together) and on Saturday, April 9th I'll be at Literary Orange for a memoir panel. I think my session starts at 1 p.m. and there will be some chitchat time at the end.

Hope to see you there. I'm extra-rusty from doing no publicity for over a year so Lord only knows what ridiculous things will exit from my mouth. Fun for the whole family! If the whole family is over 18...

- - -

• Courtney asked, "What happens to all of your finished knitting projects? Do you wear them or give them away? I love the act of knitting but often find that after I've finished I just store it away (or give it away). Do you find the same?"

Hi Courtney. Like you, I give away most of the stuff I knit or pack it away in a drawer. I really love the activity of knitting but unless I move to Siberia I will never be able to wear most of this stuff. I enjoy giving gifts so it works out. I do keep my handknit Noro gloves in my purse, though, because sometimes my hands get cold and they are by far the best thing I've ever knit. They make me happy just to look at them.

- - -

• Rebecca asked, "Have you been to Michael Levine's lately? Now that I'm not living in LA, I so miss that store!"

You know, I haven't been to the garment district in a long time but I still have some fabric here at home from my last trip to Michael Levine's! My sofa pillows are looking a little on the tragic side, so maybe I should give them new slipcovers for spring. I'll keep you posted.

- - -

• Kim wrote, "I just finished a book I thought you might like: The Magician's Assistant. Have you read this? It talks a lot about L.A. You would probably be more familiar with some of the places than I was."

Kim, that book is one of the best novels I have ever read. I LOVED IT. (I wrote about it here.) I could feel the main character's love of this city, and I thought the story itself was a page-turner.

Here's a funny tidbit, your comment made me think of this. So, as most of you know I'm writing my first fiction book and fiction is a whole new world for me, nothing at all like memoir or essay writing. When I initially dreamed up the plot I didn't understand how much more difficult it is to make up a story than just put a funny spin on some real-life thing that happened. ANYWAY. My main character is Southern but she relocates midway through the book. When I first sketched out the bones of the plot I thought she should move to Boston. Boston. A city I have never even visited once in my lifetime.

It's one thing to make up a fictional realm and populate it with your creativity, but it is a whole 'nother ball of wax to write a fiction story set in a real city. One afternoon I remember thinking, "Hmmm, my Boston looks an awful lot like the Valley."

That was the moment I put down the winesack and grew some common sense and now my character relocates to Sherman Oaks. Seriously. What was I thinking?

- - -

• Donna writes, "I have only been knitting for a year and love it. I was hoping your blog would be more of a knitting blog."

Well, Donna, I really hear you on this one. I was hoping my blog would be more of a Gets-Married-To-Al-Gore blog. Failing that, I would have settled for a blog about moving to Paris and becoming a taller and sexier version of me who is also a spy. As you can imagine, I am as disappointed as you are. Luckily tomorrow is a new day and anything could happen!

Like you, when I first started knitting I was just on fire with it and I wanted to read all about knitting and mostly I wanted to talk all about it. I think I have calmed down considerably in this area. I do still knit, though, and one day I plan to write a rockin' entrelac tutorial so don't give up on me altogether. Plus if I marry Al Gore you can read about our hot eco-love. And that may involve hot eco-yarns. Because I am creative that way.

- - -

• Judy wrote, "I have noticed that your writing style has become wonderfully relaxed over the past few months. You no longer seem so frantic."

That is perhaps the nicest thing I have heard in ages. Thank you! I do feel less frantic and crazed and anxious. Things are different and stressful in new ways now, but in general I feel happier.

I never want to go back to that version of me, the one who can't sleep or breathe or enjoy anything. That's not living. I used to get so tied up in knots just from the smallest things, I was wound up tighter than a sprocket. The littlest thing made me feel defeated or angry -- a snarky note, missing the bus, someone cutting me off on the 101.

Now I don't really get all that riled up anymore. Yesterday I was in traffic and there was a lady next to me honking and gesturing and carrying on because I had the nerve to merge onto the freeway. In the past I was that crazy lady so I had mad compassion for her, I kind of stalled on the on-ramp shoulder so she could get ahead of me because clearly she was having a bad day. Then I turned my radio up real loud and thanked God I'm not frantic like that anymore. I still have my crazy stuff but it's a better version of crazy.

- - -

Well, that's it for today folks. You have all been really good sports with Giveaway Week and I thank you. Tomorrow is the last day! I will post a full list of the winners on Saturday because it's taking some time to hear back from everyone and also get my act together. And I know you've already donated where you can with all the stress and anxiety in the world, so I wish I had 6000 copies of everything to give to all ya'll, free books for all. I was thinking that this morning when I woke up. So! I have decided that if I ever become rich I'm just going to have a day where every single person gets a free book. Let's hope this happens and that it somehow involves Al Gore and me having eco-love in Paris. And in the fantasy I am taller. And everyone gets a free knitting book. Wouldn't that be lovely? Yay for having lofty aspirations!

Finally, a little behind-the-scenes peek:

I AM DOING SOME DECORATING, OK?

Posted by laurie at 8:30 AM

March 16, 2011

Knitting Block By Block -- A big ol' Wednesday freebie

Today's book giveaway selection is one of my favorite new knitting books of the year. It's Nicky Epstein's Knitting Block by Block: 150 Blocks for Sweaters, Scarves, Bags, Toys, Afghans, and More.

It's a luscious hardcover book that features my #1 most favorite thing in all of knitting: the knitted block. A block is like a swatch with attitude. You can learn amazing techniques this way and knit yourself a whole blanket. I personally use knit block patterns to expand my handwarmer repertoire ... for what is a handwarmer except a knitted block that is seamed up one side? Leave a hole for the thumb and you're golden.

This book is a tome, really packed with patterns and information. There are a lot of charts in this book, so if you abhor charts and can't bear to knit from one than this is not your giveaway. (I always think it's good to know in advance what you're trying to win, yes?) But if you're into complex and beautiful block patterns this is your book. Thank you so much to Jessica Reich from Crown Publishing Group who hooked me up with a giveaway copy.

RULES
To be eligible to win, post a comment in the comment section of this entry. Comments will close tomorrow. Winner(s) chosen at random and notified by email. Good luck!

NOTE
If you want to win you need to include a valid email address with your comment. IF you do not want your email address to show up beneath your comment name, you must enter some web address in the URL field. This is internet tomfoolery! I'm sorry I am bad with the code. Anyway, you can just type http://www.crazyauntpurl.com in the URL if you want.

ALSO!
If you don't want this book but still want to comment by all means please do, but let me know you aren't interested OR just leave off your email address.

Winners of the crochet book were alerted (still waiting confirmation on one) and yesterday's winners will be selected this morning. Need coffee!

- - -

CHITCHAT, YO

Jen asked: (About yesterday's photo) I love the print on your wall behind the Soba -- where is it from?

Jen, it's a silkscreen that I bought in the Target garden department (I know, right?) about three years ago. I'm sure it would be cooler to make up a story about buying it from some hip local gallery but yeah, I got it on sale at Target for like six bucks. It's actually one of three, all the same print but on different fabric. I have them hanging like a mini-installation above the stairs.

**

Debbie said: Seriously, Dr. Elsey's Precious Cat is the BEST cat litter with a really dumb name. In Cincinnati, the only place I can find it is at PetsMart.

Debbie, I buy it there, too! I mean the L.A. store, as a drive to Cincinnati and back would be crazy even for me. I once bought the 40-pound bag off amazon.com with a free shipping thing and the UPS man practically flipped me off as he delivered it.

**

The Cat Litter Chronicles: A New TV Show
Not really, but it would be funny to show up at a pitch meeting and do a whole spiel on a TV show just about cat litter. Especially since men in Los Angeles seem to be unnaturally terrified of cats.

Yesterday I heard from lots of folks on their favorite brands of cat litter and while the cats here at Chez Hairball love Dr. Elsey's, you will probably have to experiment to find something just right for your own home and herd. The one thing that is ALWAYS true and applies to ALL CATS is that you must keep the litter box clean! It doesn't take long. A quick scoop twice a day will do it. Clean, clean, clean!

**

Heather asked: Wait - by corn based cat litter not sold in California you don't mean World's Best do you??! 'Cause if so, I need to get my cats used to another brand before I make the planned move West in 18 months.

Hi Heather. Don't panic. They sell WBCL here. You can read about the banned brand of corn litter in this old post where I shook my tiny fist of rage. Every other litter company in the world just added a small sticker to the bags which says, "Don't flush!" except the one brand I used to use and WILL NEVER EVER USE AGAIN. That company simply does not care about Californians. I HATE them still. Even though hate is a strong word I believe it applies in this case.

**

Jill said: About... HEAVY. I love the shows both ways and wonder why the switch? The shows had to be taped long before they started airing, so the switch can't be blamed on viewer feedback.

Jill, I think that's what I was most curious about -- why the format switch midseason? Did a bi-polar director helm the season? Or perhaps the show was split between two producers, each with their own vision? So interesting. Unless I am just dreaming up some backstage drama that never happened. But that is what I do when I'm not talking about cat litter.

**

Candice asked: Laurie, are you watching Celebrity Apprentice? The ratio of crazy to not as crazy is unbelievable. Hello, naked guy from Survivor 1, Gary Busey, LaToya Jackson... If you aren't watching it, you should because this coming Sunday they put Gary Busey in charge of it all and that's going to be a hilarious disaster, I can only imagine!

Hi Candice. I don't watch but I am just posting a reply to your comment because you made me laugh. I can only imagine what a world where Busey Is Boss would look like. Teevee brings us so much goodness.

**

Readers Diana in NYC and Zaftiguous both asked what I am knitting these days. I'm into entrelac right now, I have a scarf going. I kind of took a break from knitting from December-February. I've been writing a lot and exercising a lot but not knitting so much and now I'm back into entrelac which seems to either bore or scare my fellow knitters. Sometimes I think I am all alone in my entrelackian world.

**

Kristen said: I just picked up The Book of Awakening, based on your feedback...I like it, some days it's just what I need to hear. I confess that I have been reading ahead, I can't help myself.

Kristen -- I read ahead, too. Some of his essays don't hit me (that day) but I'll skip ahead and find one that just grabs me. I don't do any of the meditation stuff, though. I really suck at meditating and it stresses me out. Go, Team Neurotic.

**

NOW for the Investigative Photo Journalism portion of the day:

If I spoke Cat, I imagine I would have heard this:

Frankie: OM MY GOD, you guys, look, look, I am touching her!!!! I am going to sit here and inhale her sweet, Dictator smell and just be in her presence and look OMFG I am touching her! I am trying to remain CALM. YOU GUYS! I am touching The One! It's like that time when they said there was no spoon, except, like, I am so totally touching The Spoon!

Sobakowa: Do you see the crap I have to put up with?

Posted by laurie at 9:01 AM

March 15, 2011

Today's free book selection: A Knitting Wrapsody

Today's free booktastic giveaway is A Knitting Wrapsody by designer Kristin Omdahl. This is a lovely book with some intricate and detailed wrap patterns. I love knitting pattern books that show each item from a few different angles and this one does that beautifully.

A Knitting Wrapsody also comes with a free instructional DVD illustrating some of the more unusual and detailed techniques. This is the first knitting book I've seen that has a how-to DVD included and I LOVE THAT!! For people like me who love knitting but don't always feel confident in their skills an instructional DVD is invaluable. I would say this is an advanced level book, most of the projects are quite intricate, like wearable works of art.

You can read more about the book and the author on the amazon page for A Knitting Wrapsody: Innovative Designs to Wrap, Drape, and Tie. Special thanks to Jaime Guthals at Interweave, Interweave puts out some of the most beautiful and unique knitting books in the world and Jaime sent me TWO copies for you, so there will be two winners today. Math, I am so onto you!

RULES
To be eligible to win, post a comment in the comment section of this entry. Comments will close tomorrow. Winner(s) chosen at random and notified by email. Good luck!

NOTE
If you want to win you need to include a valid email address with your comment. IF you do not want your email address to show up beneath your comment name, you must enter some web address in the URL field. This is internet tomfoolery! I'm sorry I am bad with the code. Anyway, you can just type http://www.crazyauntpurl.com in the URL if you want.

---

Chitchat:

• I am in the midst of alerting yesterday's winners, and by that I mean I have not yet gotten used to the time change and am running an hour behind on life. Thanks to everyone who participated!

• Reader Marilyn wrote: "I don't understand twitter, I hope you will keep up with your blog, I check it everyday in hope for a chuckle or two!"

Well, Marilyn, I'm not entirely sure I understand the tweeter either, though that has not stopped me from making random proclamations now and then. Having said that, I do not plan to ever stop writing online. I just like typing up my blahblahblah every day and I certainly can't do all that navel gazing in under 140 characters! I do think eventually I might start a new website that works a little better technically but I'm not in any rush.

• Lisa wrote: "I was thinking of you this weekend because I am on the quest for perfect cat litter. I'm trying to find a natural brand that works."

Hi Lisa! I have tried pretty much every cat litter on planet earth. A lot of folks swear by the wheat stuff, it never worked for me, but I did find a corn version that was great until they stopped selling to California and I am still mad about it. Now, I use Dr. Elsey's (Precious Cat) Cat Attract Litter, which has solved 100% of all box mishaps here at the house of Fussy Cats.

Recently I was in the grocery store and saw a new cat litter, Desert's Sand Cat box filler. I bought it more as an experiment than anything else, it's basically a very fine beach sand. The cats LOVED it. By that I mean they rolled around in it for hours making the kittycat version of snow angels and then they got up, covered entirely in powdery sand, and proceeded to track it all over the house. Good times!

I hope you find something that works for you.

• Now for the teevee topic of the day. I think the new episodes of Heavy that feature folks living at Hilton Head Health for half a year are so much better in tone and style than the original episodes. For one thing, the staff in these shows actually show compassion while also helping teach life skills and new ways of coping. It's also weird, though, like these shows have nothing at all in common with the first five or six episodes. Agree? Disagree? Stopped watching because the first episodes were not good?

• Yesterday Sobakowa planted herself at the top of the stairs (along with some toys, a half-chewed emery board and two hair elastics) and wouldn't let anyone pass without a fight. By "anyone" I mean Bob and Frankie.

This is a conundrum, since the food is downstairs but the catboxes and the good sunshine spots are all upstairs. At one point I saw Frankie standing midway on the stairs debating. Cats take a looong time to think things through. Finally she decided to make a run for it. I tried to encourage her by singing horrible song lyrics from the 1980s ("Don't pay the ferryman! Don't even fix a price!") but she didn't heed my calls and ended up losing a bit of fur. Ah well.

Posted by laurie at 9:08 AM

March 14, 2011

Let's give away some BOOKS, people! Today: Ami Ami Dogs!

Perhaps I can't save the world, or adopt any more animals, or men, or both, but I can give away some free books. And that is my plan this week! Because what the world needs now is some giving.

Usually on free book days you have to post a comment to be eligible to win and that is because I am lazy and bad with technology. That has not changed. But since I am giving away books all week long I thought it might get a little boring for you to have to post Hi! Hello! Pick Me! in the comments, so here is the new format:

First I will post a picture and a description of the day's free, awesome book.

Next, I will blather on about some current events and/or TV and/or post cat pictures so we can chitchat, too, and not be bored with crass sweepstakesism.

Today's book is THE CUTEST crochet book I have seen in a long time, Ami Ami Dogs: Seriously Cute Crochet

Ami Ami Dogs: Seriously Cute Crochet
This Amigurumi handbook is filled with adorable photographs of puppies and easy-to-follow patterns to help you create these little crochet works of art. Make an entire family of puppies to keep or give as gifts. The world needs more Ami Ami Dogs!

Thanks to Julia at Harper Collins for hooking us up with the freebies -- and there are three copies, so there will be three winners. Yay! I can do math!

RULES
To be eligible to win, post a comment in the comment section of this entry. Comments will close tomorrow. Winner(s) chosen at random and notified by email. Good luck!

NOTE
If you want to win you need to include a valid email address with your comment. IF you do not want your email address to show up beneath your comment name, you must enter some web address in the URL field. This is internet tomfoolery! I'm sorry I am bad with the code. Anyway, you can just type http://www.crazyauntpurl.com in the URL if you want.

And now for chitchat:

• I'm pretty sure half of the Valley was in the Sherman Oaks Target on Sunday afternoon buying stuff for their earthquake kits. I noticed a lot of other people with cases of bottled water and flashlights in their shopping carts. I stocked up on batteries, water and cat food but when I brought all my stuff home I accidentally left one bag of cat food sitting on the floor by the pantry and two hours later I came downstairs to find the cats lying on the living room floor in a kibble coma like little beachballs. Earthquake Preparedness Score: 6.5, Responsible Pet Owner Score: -2

• Even though I didn't have to be up and on the freeway this morning after losing an hour of my life over the weekend I still feel vaguely uneasy with Daylight Savings Time. It seems antiquated in this post-wristwatch world. I'm going to vote for the presidential candidate who campaigns to stop this madness. (Unless the candidate is awful.)

• Do you even wear a wristwatch anymore? I have never been able to wear one and now I just check my phone if I need to know the time. But I occasionally see someone wearing a watch in public and I casually ask them for the time. I think this makes wristwatch-wearers feel useful. I do what I can, folks.

• Jennifer and I went to see "Battle Los Angeles" this weekend which was kind of exhausting and then I developed some odd Aaron-Eckhart-in-camouflage-fantasies.

• Yesterday I walked seven miles. Not all at one time. I have discovered that when I get stressed out about anything I need to go for a walk and then I feel better. By June I may just walk to Toronto for the afternoon.

• Are you over American Idol or just getting into it?

That's today. Good luck on the books! If today isn't your day there's always Tuesday. And Wednesday. And the rest of the week! (Oh, and if you don't craft and have no interest in these books this week just let me know in your comment. Sweepstakes are so technical around here!)

Posted by laurie at 9:30 AM

March 11, 2011

Q&A with author Pamela Schoenewaldt

Pamela Schoenewaldt, author of this month's Online Book Club selection When We Were Strangers, took some time out this week to answer your questions about the writing process, the research she put into the novel and her thoughts on what may have happened to Carlo along the way.

Sally M. asked: My only question for Pamela is ... when do we get another book from you?

Thank you Sally! I am working on another story, also historical. I’m on chapter 3, more or less. I hope this one goes more quickly – at least I’ve done most of the research. When I was writing When We Were Strangers, I tried not to focus at all on the end product, just kept my nose into Irma’s journey, so it’s especially wonderful to discover that there are people out there who connect with her story – it’s like entering a new dimension of reality.

**
 
Tonya asked: I am still curious about what happened to Carlo. Did you have any thoughts on expanding his story?

I’m pretty sure that Carlo would disagree, but I think that Irma is a better judge of character and situations than he was. For one thing, she never expects something for nothing or quick solutions to difficult problems. Carlo does, and that would probably set him up for trouble. I think that all over the world there are people being protected from their own bad choices by small towns or big families, by people saying, “Let it go, it’s just Carlo’s way.” But outside of Opi, he wouldn’t have that safety net. So I think that Irma is right that somewhere along the line, his temper gets him into trouble. I saw him in big trouble in a tavern in Tripoli. What do you think?
 
**

Ginger asked: Was there any part of the book edited out that you wish could have stayed in and if so what was it?
 
Neither my agent, Courtney nor my editor Amanda ever said, “Take this out.” There was some feeling that the first Cleveland sections were slow so I trimmed some scenes of Irma hanging out with her friends, taking a streetcar to the edge of town, walking out into the country. In the short story that became the first story, I made more of the fact of great grandfather’s boots – generations of women protecting the boots. I think it’s true though, that for a first chapter rather than a short story, the focus is better kept on Irma. And of course, it’s always tempting when you’re researching this or that obscure fact and finally find it to make it too big at first in the novel, almost to say: “Reader, I worked really really hard to get this, so now you have to read all about it.” You have to look at the needs and flow of the whole story and be a little ruthless with your own work. So I had to pull back on a complicated story I had in mind about the fortunes of Niko’s family in Greece and how problems in the Mediterranean wine markets ruined them.

**
 
Tania M. writes: I would love to find out what you are working on for your next book-- I definitely want to check it out.

I’m working on a medieval novel involving an emperor, empress, lute player and chess piece.
 
**

Heather asks: I was also happy Irma got a happy ending, did the author ever think about not having her end up with a happy life?
 
Hum, I guess no. Irma suffers a good deal, but she hold on to fairly basic values: she wants to do work that calls on her skills and best self; she wants a community around her; she wants to live near mountains, and she is willing to work and sacrifice to get these things. Maybe that’s one difference between Carlo and Irma: he has ambitions larger than the work he is willing to devote to reach them.
 
**

Tinare asks: How did you go about researching the time period to get sense of what Irma's life might be like?

 There is a lot of material available about the Victorian age. I do read Italian, so I was able to read about economic and social situations in Italy at the time, medical issues of the day, diet, transportation, prices, and so forth. Then I used a university library, public library and Internet sources. You have to love the research process – but not so much that a novel becomes a dumping ground for all the little factoids you uncover. It’s Irma’s story and that story determines the background material you need. For the feelings of being a stranger – I think most of us have experienced that. I certainly did when I moved from Northern California to Southern Italy. I felt like I had landed on a new planet. So for some of Irma’s emotional life, I drew on my own experience or tried to go into myself to create that reality. That wasn’t always easy and was often painful, but you can’t – or I think you can’t – have your character experience what you can’t profoundly imagine.
 
**

Alison G. asks: Would you write a sequel to the book covering more of Irma's later life? And I would also like to know what happened to Assunta's daughter after her father died.

I played around with that idea and maybe – who knows – will come back to Irma, but basically I felt that she had achieved what she wanted to and it was time to go. Sometimes I wonder how the San Francisco earthquake would affect her. For Assunta’s daughter, her half-sister, Irma will send her money so she can go to school. Perhaps she might come to visit in San Francisco, or to live there. Assunta’s story is a bit more tragic, actually. She loses two husbands, and yet carries on. I always liked Assunta.
 
**

Ann asks: Clearly women traveled alone to America, as you pointed out in the afterward that your own relative (grandmother?) came over for an arranged marriage. But I guess I was still surprised at how independent Irma and her friends were. Was this a typical life for a young woman at that time?

It was my great-grandmother, actually, and just as an aside, it was a pretty unfulfilling marriage, but he died when she was 60 or so and she had another happy 40 years of widowhood and didn’t miss him much. But that wasn’t your question. There were quite a few single women, then as now, and there probably wasn’t much alternative to independence. I read that in the late 1800s an amazingly large percentage of American adults were living in boarding houses. Maybe more than twenty percent. There were factory girls of all sorts. Even if the options for young women weren’t as broad as they are today, there was far, far more freedom than they would have had in “the old countries” and that must have been a heady experience.
 
**

Lisa in TX asks: Why did you feel it necessary for Irma to transform from a seamstress to nurse? In your mind, is Molly married or still single at the end of the book?

Today we might say that Irma became politicized. The art and craft of making fine dresses just couldn’t compensate for the fact of serving the vanity of a few very rich women who treated her as a servant. And of course she has a traumatic consequence of the dressmaker’s art. The medical field was more rewarding and the inspiration and mentoring of Sofia was compelling.

About Molly, I didn’t see her married at the end. She probably has male friends, and maybe she’d find someone, but I think she’s pretty pleased with her life. I’d played around with having her meet Tom, the Irishman from the train, but that was seeming too obvious. I do see her being wound into Irma’s life for a long time. They almost complete each other.
 
**

Susan Q asks: How long did it take you to do the research for the book? Was the research completed before you began writing the novel, or did it continue as you wrote the book?

I was researching as I wrote. I did a good deal about 19th Century life in Italy and then moved into research on the ships and the immigration process. I’d be writing one chapter, revising the earlier ones and also researching for coming chapters and then finding out more material that needed to be worked in or perhaps required changes of material I had already done. I guess it would be way more efficient to research everything all at once, but the story was developing as I was writing and sometimes the research itself suggested new scenes or even characters. Researching the train lines to California and the dangers to the trainmen gave me the idea for the death of Bill, for instance.
  
**

Dani B asked: I know Irma's favorite hobby was sewing, and that this hobby saved her in many situations. But did Irma wish she could afford to dress a bit more stylish? Did she sometimes resent sewing custom-made fashions for others? She seemed to be very grateful, and highly impressed with the fitted dress that Madame Helene sewed for her, but yet I sensed mixed emotions.

I agree about the mixed emotions, Dani. Irma appreciated fine workmanship and good fabrics – she’s an artist and craftswoman, after all. And the green dress makes her feel attractive for practically the first time in her life. That is a powerful experience. But in the end neither sewing nor fashion are enough for her; they simply aren’t fulfilling enough to be her life’s work. She has great talent, but sewing is not her calling. 

*****

I love an author who takes time out to chat with readers and answer their questions. Thank you to everyone who participated in this month's Online Book Club and special thanks to Julia O'Halloran at Harper Collins and of course the author herself, Pamela Schoenewaldt.

The next book club pick will be announced at the end of March. I know that when the world feels like a wild and unstable place, the one thing that always reassures me is diving into a wonderful book. Feel free to comment with your book club selection wishlist.

Thanks again!

Posted by laurie at 9:54 AM | Comments (60)

March 8, 2011

Winners and winners-to-be and cat pictures, because that is how I roll

I am so happy you all (mostly) enjoyed our Book Club selection, When We Were Strangers. The comment winner is ... dah dah dum... Margaret at March 7, 2011 08:42 AM. Please check your email. Congrats! And thanks again to Harper Collins for sending us advance copies to give away for the book club. That was an all-around win-win.

And since I know book giveaways are just as fun as random boxes of knitting stuff, I am hosting an entire week of freebie book giveaways next week!

It has been pointed out to me (kindly and gently) that most of the books I offer in sweepstakes are knitting books and where is the love for the men and women of crochet? WELL. You think I do not listen but LO, I LISTEN, and the first book giveaway on Monday is a crochet book so cute it even made me want to work up a chain in a frenzy.

Next week I am also offering up several luscious knitting books and maybe at the end of the week I will cap it off with a big pile o' books just for fun. The best part about having this here website is that I have no editor and can post endless cat pictures. The second best part is that I get preview copies of delicious books from publishers and I get to share them with you.

- - -

People often ask me why I don't urge all my readers to get books only from their local lending library. This weird topic seemed to come up over and over again this past month (especially as we talked about eReaders.) I know I have addressed it before but here it goes ... again. Like we don't have more pressing things to talk about such as the time I made Ed Begley, Jr. think I was stalking him accidentally.

So I love the public library. Really, I love it. I support my library with events and donations and often with my ridiculous late fees.

But I also BUY books!

I buy books because I write books and I love books and I believe in supporting an author and paying them for their work. It is that simple. It's important to me to use whatever money I have to buy books and support the publishing industry. I'm thrilled when publishers send me free sample books so I can help promote new books on this site, if a little exposure helps an author get paid it makes me feel glad to be a part of that loop. It's a happy karmic wheel for the author and for the reader.

But mostly I buy books. When I find an author I love, I BUY THEIR BOOK. I buy books for friends (I must have bought ten copies of Winter's Bone, I really loved that book. Recently I went on a Mark Nepo binge and bought five copies of The Book of Awakening to give as gifts.)

I buy books to support authors. It is not easy to make a living off publishing these days. A few years ago I made a decision to buy less shoes and more books. Even these days when I don't have money pouring in through the window, I still buy books. It's a trade-off -- yes, I could buy that nice bottle of wine OR I could buy a book and some two-buck-Chuck. Done!

Here's the most important thing, though: I am only telling you this since so many people took me to task and I don't like having a finger wagging at me about something like this. Paint me as anything people, but not a librarian contrarian! Not that! This is my thing and I don't expect it to be yours. I don't expect people to do what I do or like what I like or eat the messed-up food combinations I find pleasing. It's a better world when everyone just does what feels right to them and we all smile and act nice and no one comments that I squeeze lemon juice on rice.

I'm happy to my toes when someone talks with love about their library. Libraries basically raised me as a small child. I love libraries! And you know what, also I BUY BOOKS.

So the next time you wag your finger at some grown-up who buys books rather than borrows only from the library, stop pre-wag and ask yourself if that's really your Waterloo. Is this your final stand, Custer? Will you go down in that Alamo? Can I use any more bad metaphors here?

I LOVE BOOKS. I support people who write, illustrate, bind and publish books. Long live that old-fashioned thing, the paper brick on my shelf. I love you, I love your smell, I drink cheap wine for you. I raise a glass of two-buck-Chuck to you. The end.

- - -

And now cat pictures!

That is such a tough angle, Buddy. Or should I say "Big Buddy."

Posted by laurie at 10:17 AM

March 7, 2011

Book Chat: When We Were Strangers

This month's Online Book Club & Therapy Session featured the debut novel from Pamela Schoenewaldt, When We Were Strangers. In one of the happy accidents created by an online book club, the author herself has agreed to answer many of your reader questions so when you are commenting on the book let me know if you have a question for her. I'll assemble them all in an email tonight and post her replies when I hear back. Fancy, no?

I started reading this book during jury duty. I didn't really think any novel could completely take me out of the smelly feet drudgery that is the Burbank jury holding tank. Imagine my surprise when I looked up from the book and already two hours had passed! It was a bittersweet combination -- the sadness that is Irma's bumpy ride to America and the sweetness that was losing myself in a story and getting out of that smelly room and onto the smelly boat. At least metaphorically.

The writing is just lovely. This author wraps you in the story and doesn't lose you with too much description or drip adjectives all over the page yet she still paints such a clear picture of the scene that you feel like you are on that boat in steerage. You can taste the bread from Opi and feel the fabric of the dresses between your fingers. That's talent with words.

I have to say there were many times during the book when I thought, "Damn. Can't Irma catch a freakin' break already?" but perhaps that is more a critique of my fragile little state of mind than the story itself. I wanted happy things to happen for Irma. What can I say? I'm a sappy sucker for a happy ending. I wish there had been more of the ending -- perhaps stretched out longer. But it's a small complaint. I loved Molly, too, and appreciated the contrast of her energy and bravado against Irma's quieter character.

While reading this book I spent a fair amount of time feeling blessed to be born in this era. My rule of thumb when I get a time machine is that I will never go back to any year without penicillin. It's a good rule. You should think it through.

What did you think of When We Were Strangers? Did you get wrapped into the story or find some of Irma's trials and terrors too much? What did you think of the writing style, the way the author painted the scenery for us? Did you relate to Irma? Did you like the ending? Did you feel connected to the story?

I was pleasantly surprised by the novel. It sucked me in and kept me turning the pages fast so I could find out what happens next -- my benchmark for a great read. I can't wait to hear your feedback!

- - -

Every one who participates in the book chitchat (by posting in the comments below) will be entered into a random drawing for an equally random assortment of knitting doodads from my stash. If you aren't a knitter (and therefore have no use for a pile of Patons Up Country or similar) be sure to mention that in your comment so I can scare up something unusual and less knitterly for you. Let the commenting begin!

Posted by laurie at 1:12 AM

March 4, 2011

New Moon in Uranus

Today is March 4th, the new moon is new though probably not in Uranus. It just never gets old saying Uranus.

Some Very Important Things:

1) Consider That Gauntlet Thrown
So you probably already know this if you're on The Twitter with me (recently I've been abducted by Twitter. I've had The Twitter for a while now but sort of forgot about it for long periods of time. In the past few weeks I've been absconded by the madness. I think it's the combination of all the #winning and #mcLobster. Plus I love the sweet, rich taste of irony I get when I hear stuffy news anchors reading crazy celebrity Twitter feeds as if they are real news.)

SO what I was saying about me throwing down the gauntlet. I decided yesterday that I am no longer going to politely step all the way around those bulldozer people who are walking in the crosswalk or on the sidewalk or at the store or in the mall while their eyes are glued to their smartphones.

On my walk yesterday I had to flatten myself against a palm tree so that I didn't run into a man who was walking forward on the sidewalk quickly and aggressively while typing on his Blackberry. That is when I decided GAME OVER PEOPLE. At the next crosswalk I found myself squared off against an oncoming lady whose eyes were glued to her phone. I braced myself and stayed on my course and Thwap! When we collided she barely looked up.

"Is that your seeing eye phone?" I asked. She didn't even hear me. Nonetheless, I felt victorious. Bruised, but victorious.

I don't think this is a lasting strategy because I don't actually like people touching me. So I'm thinking maybe one of those loud noise maker thingies may do the trick. Or printing myself a bunch of stickers that say "Hang up and walk!" and slapping them on the backs of passing phonebots. What do you think?

2) Or Maybe I'm Just Grumpy
It's been cold in the early mornings so I've been walking midday when more phonebots are clogging the sidewalks. Perhaps when summer is back and I'm walking again at the crack of dawn I will forget all about them.

3) Why I Can't Get Enough Crazy
I've been captivated by Charlie Sheen's antics because he has completely raised the bar for all future meltdowns. If you're going to catch on fire with crazy my philosophy is that you better do it with gusto. Mission Accomplished! I love it. I love good crazy especially when I am not married to it or working for it.

4) More Stuff I Learned From The Innernet
I follow Martha Beck on Twitter, because she's smart and I learn things. Her blog today is all about sleep and how sleep helps your brain get its act together. (You can read it here.) I've been sleeping a lot the past few months -- more than in the past five years. Which isn't all that unusual considering the ridiculous insomnia I had for so long, but I wasn't sure it would ever end (insomnia feels like a bad soundtrack playing constantly over the movie of your life) and now that I can sleep again I started to worry. Am I sleeping too much? Am I wasting my life? How much sleep can one person need? Am I a slacker for not waking up at 4 a.m. every day like clockwork? Is it lame to go to bed before 10 p.m.? I can drive myself batty with this stuff.

But Martha Beck says it's good for the brain. So I am now officially giving myself a break. Thank you, Life Coach From Afar.

5) While we're at it, let's just give ourselves a break all over the place
I'm starting to understand that in my life there are my little problems and then there is all the big, swirly judgment I heap on myself about my little problems. People, it is exhausting. For the rest of March I am going to live my life and hold off on the ladle of extra-juicy judgy that comes with every bite. I feel better already.

6) I'm Running Up That Hill!
Now it's time to untether from the innernet, put down the twittermachine and go for a walk. I've tried many things in my time to get my mojo unwrinkled. I have sampled many fine wines and many bad ones, too. I have eaten, smoked, juiced, fasted, read self-help, written self-help (hah!) and tried to get my hands on that Secret. On my Quest For Calm I have found activities that I enjoy (knitting, reading, TV binges) and activities that make me feel virtuous (yoga, church, going to Whole Foods).

But after all this time the thing I love most is still a good old fashioned walk. No music, no headphones, just me and my shoes and the sidewalk, thinking and walking and breathing until the tension melts out and the only thing I can feel are my legs moving and my lungs filling with crispy, fortified L.A. air.

It's free. It doesn't take any particular skill, it's as close to meditation as I may ever get. And I'm fast, so if you're on your phone and not paying attention I may just meditate right over you. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

- - -

P.S. Book Club On Monday!
Our online book club meets on Monday to talk about When We Were Strangers: A Novel. I'm finding this book a very fast read, so you still have time to slurp it up and join us on Monday!

Posted by laurie at 8:20 AM

February 25, 2011

Yesterday, when my troubles seemed so far away

1) I'm going to the courthouse and I'm gonna' get unmarried...

My stint in jury duty was supposed to take place this week at the Van Nuys Courthouse like a normal Valleyite. Valleyer? Valleykrie? Like, whatever! Totally!

I don't mind Van Nuys. Sure, I blame it for losing us Valleytos the critical 2002 vote on Valley secession (who had the bright idea to make Van Nuys the downtown of the Valley? It should be Sherman Oaks or Studio City ALL THE WAY, people!) but other than that I have only fond memories of the many good tacos I have had in Van Nuys and Van Nuys Adjacent. I find that tacos always taste better when they're in close proximity to a bail bonds shop and brother, you can find both in abundance in beautiful Van Nuys, California.

Much to my dismay and alarm my jury duty service was unceremoniously reassigned to Burbank. There are so many things about this decision that were against nature. For one thing the population/taco shop ratio in Burbank is just pitifully askew and not in favor of the carne asada. Also, the one and only time that I have ever been to the Burbank courthouse was on the day of my divorce hearing which was a very dark day indeed. There were expensive lawyers in short-sleeved dress shirts (oh, the humanity!), there were tears, there were recriminations, there was my angry self in so many pairs of spanx that the oxygen level in my brain dropped precipitously.

That was also the same day I tried to eat a whole lemon icebox pie by myself.

Lemon icebox pie was the pastry I chose for divorcing, as I thought it was appropriately sweet and sour. And I didn't take the pie to court, I left it at home to wait for me until my tearful return. It was not disappointed. My day in court did not go well. That evening I discovered that I could not in fact eat an entire pie on my own but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Oh, those were the days, when I was crazy and didn't mind who knew about it, like when I shook my tiny fist of rage at the bailiff. I was all, "Yeah! Well I'm going to call 1-800-SCREW-YOU but only replace SCREW with a stronger word that is less family friendly!" And the judge who wasn't even a real judge -- he was a commissioner, what the hell kind of lawyer did I hire again? -- said "You are going to be held in contempt!" and I shook my tiny fist of rage and was buoyed out of court on my spanx legs and the arms of my friends and I was taken home to be alone with the waiting pie.

I know with deep certainty that I'm not even close to the same wacky, unhinged version of myself I was on Divorce Court Day but still, just the thought of it kind of made me want a slice of lemon icebox pie. For old times sake.

2) American Idol took four hours of my life, minus all the time I fast-forwarded

Thank God for Tivo, the only way I can live to love American Idol. I tuned in this year on a day-by-day basis, since last year was an incontinent snooze my expectations were low.

What I have discovered so far is this: Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are kind of awesome. Goofy Southern Belle pageant party dresses from 1987 seem to be making a comeback. Hobbity looking men who play upright bass are kind of sexy. And Colton Dixon was robbed!

I like it. Oh the drama, the tears, the awkward let's-all-hold-hands scenes featuring three boys whose ages when added together equal my own.

3) They say it may snow, say it ain't so

Oh I don't know, some weird rumor is going around that it might snow somewhere. Dallas Raines said the snow levels will drop down to 1500 feet but since none of us living in this city can understand anything other than traffic math, we have no idea where that means the snow will fall.

Freeway distance x hour (rain to the fourth power) - weekends = snow?

A few years ago there were flurries in the Malibu Hills and that was exciting. It was still hot and sunny in the Valley, though, probably because I was still living in Reseda at the time where it stays 118 year round. I'm not worried about the impending weatherageddon, since the newscasters assure us all that everything should clear for The Big Day. The Big Day is coming!!!

4) The Big Day!!
Oscar Sunday is almost here. I have been training for it for months, watching all the best-picture nominees except one, which I have to go see today (Damn you, King's Speech! Making me sprint at the end!)

This is my SuperBowl. I'll be making little nibbly hors d'oeuvre bites and serving sparkling wine and there will be ballots and even a prize for best balloting. There will be fashion commentary and a pre-show and hopefully no snow to mar the red carpet.

Oh, and maybe a lemon icebox pie for dessert. Just for the symmetry of it all.

Posted by laurie at 10:41 AM

February 23, 2011

Perhaps I have a 28.8 brain in a T1 world

Every now and then I write a lot, spilling out words all over the place. It's been like this forever -- it's not like I just recently started being loquacious -- so I'm surprised to see recent comments from people who say things like, "I don't usually read that much in a blog..." or "I usually can only read a paragraph then I get fidgety." Our attention spans have dwindled down to bullet points and 15-second blurbs.

• Here's a bullet point to break up the monotony of sentences and comma splices!

I don't take it personally. I notice my attention span has rapidly diminished, too. I blame it entirely on the smart phone and the increase in fast internet service. Sometimes I catch myself playing scrabble or solitaire on my phone while I watch TV as if one time-wasting activity were not enough. Nope, I have to double time my laziness. I try to stop myself when I notice I'm doing it because I'm not paying full attention to either activity and I feel scattered and restless. This is usually when I put on my tennis shoes and go for a walk. That flighty and restless feeling almost always means I'm anxious or I need to physically burn some energy.

Everything just moves so fast now, our poor little brains have all gone haywire.

• Haywire brain! Needs bullet points! Likes bold a lot!

Remember when we used to have to wait patiently while AOL made its hissing, scrapping, wheezing, dialup sounds? And remember how long it used to take to load a web page? And remember when people could actually read six or eight entire paragraphs without feeling antsy and needing to click over to something new and fresh? Are you still there? Have you clicked over already?

We so crazy.

Oh wait.

• We so crazy!

One night Jennifer and I were leaving my apartment, out on our way to dinner. The restaurant was in close walking distance, so I took only my keys and my wallet. She was shocked and a little horrified that I didn't plan to bring my phone, too.

"You're not bringing your phone with you?" she asked.

"Nope," I said.

"You're just going to go out... without your phone?" The shock! The horror!

"I like to untether," I said. "Keeps me focused."

She looked at me like I had just announced I was donating all my fingers and toes to science.

"You are crazy," she declared.

• Those people in the crosswalks who are hypnotized by their phones better watch out!

Last week I yelled at someone in a crosswalk. Instead of actually paying attention and walking with purpose across a very busy Los Angeles intersection, she was glued to the mysterious device in her hand and was at an almost complete standstill in the intersection as she typed. The world had ceased to spin on its axis, her entire universe had been reduced to an iphone.

I had the windows zipped down so I hollered at her. Real loud.

"Hey! Stop staring at your phone and pay attention! You! You there! WAKE UP!!!!!! The earth is on FIRE!!!!"

She never heard me or heard the people behind me honking. It was amazing. She was just typing away, clicking on her little cellphone while the world swirled around her.

But I guess I should have just been happy she was able to concentrate on any one thing for that long. Maybe it was a rollicking game of Scrabble. Or a really longass wordy blog with comma splices.

Posted by laurie at 1:28 PM

February 22, 2011

The trite stuff

Thank you for the abundant suggestions and input about both the masthead and the eReader dilemma. As far as the masthead goes, I personally love the mysterious be-knitted brunette. Next time I'm procrastinating on something else I might add in one of her equally minxlike model friends and update the text but overall I think the design is just dippy enough for the important content of cat poo and navel gazing.

The eReader comments were fascinating! Even just a few years ago that conversation would have been about a minute and a half long. I'm impressed with all the early adopters out there and I was happy to hear from the folks who admitted they didn't want to like an eReading device but had fallen in love with one. All of this helped me make an immediate decision to not decide. I already have an iphone that I love (I call it "my Scrabble machine") and a netbook that I adore so I think I can hold off on an ipad until the money fairy arrives. I still want an eReader but when I start to get wrapped up in a decision and stall usually one of two things is happening: I am either trapped in a morass of weird rules I made up for myself (like the cauliflower incident) or I am focusing intently on something I don't really need as a way of avoiding other stuff in my life (eReader paralysis).

In a rare moment of clarity I realized that the answer is not to buy some new gadget, at least not today. I'm not traveling a lot, I don't commute and I have way more time on my hands than money. So I'm going to take some of that time and re-arrange all my books, pulling aside all the unread books -- and there are a LOT of unread books in my collection -- and creating one whole section of the shelves just for unread titles. When I get the urge to go buy something new to read I'm going to check out my own personal bookstore. Ideally there will also be some culling and paring down going on along with the re-arranging.

That is one of the selfhelpiest decisions I have made in a long while. Yay me.

- - -

Self-help has all kinds of relatives. There is its close cousin called The Happiness Movement, led by folks like Dr. Richard Carlson and Dan Buettner (though my favorite is probably Gretchen Rubin, whose book The Happiness Project is fantastic.) There's also the Declutter branch of the self-help family, a movement that started under the vague umbrella of "Simple Living" which has grown into TV shows and newsletters and websites and a whole arm of publishing. My favorite in this area is my friend Erin Doland. Her website Unclutterer is just addictive and her book, Unclutter Your Life in One Week, is actually inspiring. I'll have to remember to re-read it when I am going through all my books, a little motivation may be in order.

Self Help's brunette twin sister is the world of sports psychology. Until this morning I hadn't thought about fitness-flavored self help in a LONG time, years probably. Perhaps I've been too busy navel-gazing and recluttering and carrying on. But sporty spice selfhelpyness was once my favorite kind, and it helped keep me sane during the Los Angeles assimilation process.

When I first moved to L.A. I had a job working at the Daily News. There were about five or six other people in the newsroom who were close to my age (I was the youngest, I think) and we all started hanging out together in a sort of misery-loves-company arrangement. The newsroom was brutal, and we formed into a small pack of very well-groomed wolves. During that time my friend Patty got assigned a story about a local athlete who started the Tae Bo fitness craze. She didn't want to go to the Tae Bo class by herself so few of us volunteered to go with her. Since the classes were held in Sherman Oaks (The Billy Blanks World Training Center! Yo!) we all convened in my awesome 500-square-foot Sherman Oaks apartment that literally looked out over the 101 freeway and we carpooled to the gym (a very un-L.A. thing to do, I now realize. But there was NO parking at the Billy Blanks World Training Center and Strip Mall with Dry Cleaners).

That first class completely kicked my butt. It wasn't the exercise as much as the heat. It was an unbearable sweatbox. The workout room of the gym stayed heated like a Bikram yoga class and the sheer amount of people working out in such a small, hot room caused a moist, dense blanket of condensation to hug the walls and drip down the plate-glass windows. I didn't develop my full-blown germaphobia until years later but I hated the heat. It was like working out at noon on a Louisiana summer day.

I didn't die. I did, however, discover that the high I got from surviving class and not actually collapsing and dying of cardiac arrest was amazing.

My friend Patty filed her story and never went back. She and a couple of the other girls made fun of the big, colorful posters that lined every inch of the gym's non-mirrored spaces. The posters were full of the sporty inspirational stuff we used to decorate my sorority dorm with, sayings like "Goals are just dreams with deadlines!" and "Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the prize!" The big posters by the front door said, "There will always be obstacles! They are called learning opportunities!" and "Don't leave your towels on the gym floor!"

At that time I thought the other reporters in the newsroom were much cooler than I was, after all they had lived in L.A. longer and they still made fun of my accent and my deep fear of the freeway. So when they laughed at the selfhelpyness of the gym, I laughed along with them even though secretly I liked the posters. My friend Alicia and I were the only two who kept going to Tae Bo and it wasn't long before I discovered she secretly liked all that sporty-selfhelpy stuff, too. After a few months of Tae Bo we were both in amazing shape. Alicia later left journalism to become a female boxer (!!) and I eventually left to become married and half crazy. Whoops.

I wasn't very introspective back then (and I was incredibly immature) but even in my unenlightened state I understood that physical fitness enthusiasts are almost religious about the mind-body connection. The language of athletes is very much like the language of the self help movement -- there's a lot of focus on positive outcomes, thinking patterns and behavior modification for optimum results. I liked the attitude and the washed-out, calm feeling you got after pushing your body to its limits. Most of all I liked feeling good.

Fast forward fifteen years, one marriage and divorce and about eleventeen different hair colors to this morning. I was outside on a long walk, and I started up a hill in my neighborhood. It was cold this morning and I was pushing hard to get up the hill in long strides. As I got toward the top I had a moment where I felt that little rush you get from exercise, that split second of fully inhabiting your own muscles and skin. I could feel my blood moving and my heart beating.

It was just a split second but it was exquisite.

When I got to the top of the hill I paused to look back and see how far I'd come. That glorious in-my-body feeling reminded me of way back when, back in 1995 when I used to go with Alicia to a cramped, sweaty Tae Bo class every night after work. My life then was not all that great on paper -- I was broke almost all the time, I had no furniture, I was self-conscious about my accent, my education and my writing skills. Oh, and don't forget the tiny apartment on the freeway overpass. But in many ways I was very happy. I was young and relatively ignorant about the logistics of adult life. I just figured things would eventually work out, whatever that meant. I got a lot of pleasure from simple stuff like my kickboxing class and I really liked the platitudes on those posters.

This morning felt like a flashback, the good kind, remembering a version of myself that I haven't been in a while. Back then I didn't have the ability to put words to it but my body knew the spiritual feeling that comes from sheer physical exertion and the calmness that comes when -- for just a moment -- you unplug from your chattering brain and connect fully to your physical self.

I'm not sure when in my life I started to get in my own way. I don't think there's a singular moment when I left my body and started to live totally in my head, it happened gradually, maybe over years. But somewhere along my path I got lost. I suspect this happens to a lot of people. I suspect I am not the only one.

All this time later what is surprising is that the essential stuff is still true: There will always be obstacles, and you will always move forward. Goals are your dreams on a timeline. Keep your eyes on the prize. Walk it off! Push yourself to know yourself.

And it's always a good idea to pick your towels up off the floor.

Posted by laurie at 12:49 PM

February 14, 2011

"Oh yeah, and Happy Valentine's Day..."

After texting back and forth in a fit of panic this morning, I just left an eleventy minute voicemail for Jennifer. It went something like this:

Hi! I'm home already. Yes, it's 10:02. I went to the class, just like I said I would. Because I follow through! I am a followthrougher! I drove my car to the campus, I parked my car, I got out and walked across campus to the aquatic center.

What I failed to realize when I signed up for this swimming class was that community college is a lot like high school. It is high school with ashtrays. There are teenage boys everywhere. The pool is open, outdoors, set right in the middle of campus and there were clumps of teenage boys wearing hoodies and baseball caps and baggy jeans slouching around watching the people in the pool. One of them had his cell phone out and was taking pictures of the hot lifeguard girl cleaning the pool.

I turned around and ran away like the wind. I could hear the voice in my head saying, "Run, Forrest, run!" Think of the calories I burned by NOT GOING TO THIS SWIM CLASS.

We have known each other a long time. There are many things in life I am afraid of. Like dying in an airplane crash. Or dying in a fiery inferno. Or perhaps a fiery airplane crash inferno. But right after that the thing I most fear is having my lardy ass photographed in my swimsuit by teenage boys and having it posted on the internet for laughs and internet captions.

Oprah says you will never see swimsuit pictures of her in the tabloids because she does not even own a swimsuit. Oprah is a wise woman! Why did I deviate from the Oprah? WHY? I am going to continue on my path to health and awesomeness by doing activities that require me to be fully clothed. Until I meet someone I may want to know Biblically and in that case we will do it with the lights off LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

So I'm going to forget this ever happened.

Oh, yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

So that is my Monday so far. I am fully clothed and happy with it.

And oh yeah, Happy Valentine's Day!

Posted by laurie at 10:05 AM

February 10, 2011

A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow!

My little personal mantra is "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow." I'm sure I heard it first from someone smarter and wiser, or maybe the TV. I've been using it for a while.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that a good-enough choice is really good enough.

Today at the grocery store I found myself incapacitated by total indecision in the vegetable aisle. The organic cauliflower was not on sale (as usual) and seemed yuckier looking than normal. The non-organic cauliflower was on sale for only 88 cents a pound. That is a good deal on cauliflower, people. I tried to remember if cauliflower was on the Least 12 List and I just stood there in the produce area like a moron for a ridiculously long amount of time while I went back and forth between organic and non-organic.

OK, this is so not a big life problem. In the scheme of things it's somewhere between "that time my hands were cold" and "the day I learned the real words to that song I was singing wrong." But for perfectionists and crazy people (we look very similar! we are so very hard to tell apart!) the minute daily dilemmas are just an illustration of the way you live life. Your mind tells you to stick to the rules, whatever those rules may be. Of course the rules are often flawed and impossible to keep and arbitrary. Perfection is a myth.

I know all this but I am still hardwired a certain way. Which is why I was standing there at Ralph's until the perplexed produce guy asked me (again) if I needed help.

I grabbed the sale cauliflower and quickly exited the vegetable area. Good grief.

Obviously this little drama wasn't the stuff of novels and headlines, I'm not marching for freedom or solving the world's problems. Not everything in life is a grand moment. Most of living is small, daily life, chores and routines and little choices.

It's the smallest things that show you to yourself.

Posted by laurie at 11:36 AM

February 9, 2011

That's so funky

About a week ago the biggest headline here in Los Angeles was the lawsuit filed against Taco Bell claiming its beef tacos and burritos were not beefy enough to be called beef. Now Lindsay Lohan is the breaking news, because here in Los Angeles we have our priorities: celebrities, traffic, traffic caused by celebrities, awards season, and awards season traffic.

I didn't pay much attention to last week's Fast Foodgate because I don't normally think of Taco Bell as being a purveyor of fine quality protein anyway. The lawsuit reportedly claims that only 35% of the taco meat filling is actual beef. Thirty-five percent, eh? That leaves a whole lot of room for the crack cocaine they add to make the food addictive. Yet still I wasn't that freaked out. I don't eat at Taco Bell often enough for it to really set me off in a panic. I have a few million other things above it on my list of stuff to worry about.

But if you read carefully at the very bottom of this story from the Los Angeles Times (opens in a new window) according to the USDA, the term "beef" can be only be used on products containing at least 40% beef.

Now that gave me pause. Shouldn't something called "beef" be required to contain at least 50% of its namesake? And ideally, 100%? I can give you some leeway on spices, but when I make tacos at home it's still 99% meat and 1% spices.

I am not a scientist or a lawyer or even an ardent fan of Taco Bell. But as a normal(ish) American even I can see that there is something really wrong in a world where the government says it's OK to call something "beef" if it is 60% plastic and heroin and salt. That is like saying I am "tall" because I am at least 40% of the height of a supermodel. Or you could say I am "thin" because I am at least 40% made up of thinness.

Actually, now that I think about it, this new Taco Bell math could work for me! I have a scary birthday coming up eventually and I might not have to face it at all. I am, after all, at least 40% still a baby.

Well, done, Taco Bell math. Thank you.

Posted by laurie at 8:42 AM

February 7, 2011

The smell! Can you smell that smell!

Last week I went to the acupuncture doctor as I have been doing and he worked on my ankle. As he has been doing.

I have sprained and fractured and broken my ankles more times than you can say Toe Touch Jump! So I rehabbed it like you do and the acupuncture seemed to help. One day the goodlooking acupuncture doc even massaged my ankle which led me to proposition him accidentally.

After that he only stuck needles in my foot. No more massage for you!

Last week he came in after our session with a huge, wide piece of white adhesive medical tape. In the middle was a brown schmear the size of a postcard.

"I put this on your ankle, leave on for two days," he said.

"Uh, OK," I said. Because have I mentioned the acupuncture doctor is very goodlooking? I don't talk much around the hotness.

Later that day I was back at home, working at my desk. I noticed an odor and I wondered if the cats had made an extremely generous contribution to the box recently. It happens.

I cleaned the box, no abatement. As I worked the odor grew stronger. Since I am not a fast learner it took a while to realize the smell was coming from me. My ankle, to be exact. Whatever powerful herbal remedy was brewing on the bandage was stinking up my whole office with a vengeance. Was it possible I was sitting in my chair with extruded iguana feces on my ankle? It smelled possible.

I thought about the repercussions of being stinkified. Pros and cons were weighed, mental lists happened, stuff was considered. In the end, I stayed stunk up. AND GLORIOUSLY SO! Why not? I filed this away under Reason 519 that I am happy to be single and not living with another human.

And my ankle feels good today! Bring on the extruded iguana poo!

Posted by laurie at 7:46 PM

February 4, 2011

Winners and thanks and the rest of you get started on the book!

Thank you to everyone who participated in the book club giveaway! The five winners chosen at random were Lacy S., Julia, Trisha R., Ginger and Vikki. I alerted the readers who won by email so if your name is on this short list please check your email for a note. Selection is very scientific. Usually I filter out the duplicates then call my mom and ask her to pick numbers at random. Apparently she had better things to do on a Friday night, so I used random.org to pick today's winners. Isn't the internet a weird and wonderful thing? You can order anything to be shipped to you from just about anywhere, you can get the news, watch cats play piano and have random numbers calculated for you at the click of a button.

How did we live without it all those years? What did we used to do? Have actual conversations with live humans in the flesh? So vintage!

I hope you'll find your way to a copy of When We Were Strangers and check back in on Monday, March 7, 2011 to chitchat about the book. The author, Pamela Schoenewaldt, will be stopping by later that week and answering your questions ... all from the secluded, cozy comfort of your own private internet.

Have a great weekend!

Posted by laurie at 4:40 PM

February 3, 2011

New Book Club Selection: When We Were Strangers

This month's book club selection is When We Were Strangers by Pamela Schoenewaldt. You can get it at amazon.com in paperback format or on your kindle (and also as a Nookbook).

OR, as you can see in the picture, you can win one of five copies right here! Harper Collins was generous enough to send me these copies (plus one for me to read, too) and five lucky readers will win a freebie book.

To enter, just post a hello in the comments section. You do need to include your email address and if you do not want that email address visible (it's only visible as you hover over your name with a mouse) then fill in the field just below email address that says "URL." You can just type in crazyauntpurl.com there if you want. People seem to freak about their email, and I am not a super code machine that can fix much of anything on this website, so I embrace the Buddhist fudge it philosophy.

Anyone of any age on planet earth is eligible to win. I do ask that you restrain yourself, though, if you aren't actually planning to read this book in the next four weeks.

And the best part about this month's book club is that the author has agreed to do a question & answer with all of us. So, on Monday, March 7, 2011 we'll meet back here to talk about the book and you all can ask any questions you might have and later that week (or so, give her some time) the author will chime in with answers to your questions.

Here is the Publisher's Weekly description of the book:

Schoenewaldt's heartbreaking debut is the late 19th century immigrant coming-of-age story of poor, plain Irma Vitale. When Irma's mother dies, she warns her 16-year-old daughter that leaving their little Italian village dooms her to die among strangers. A few years later, Irma, frightened of her increasingly lustful father, leaves her village and, armed only with her sewing skills and a small dowry, secures passage on the Servia, where she meets the first in a series of helpful strangers who will color, shape, and add the occasional zest of danger (her face is scarred by the time she disembarks) to her journeys. In America, her friendships with a few determined women--Lula, an African-American cook; Molly, an Irish maid; and Sofia, an Italian nurse--help keep her afloat and moving from a Cleveland sweatshop, through misery and rejuvenation in Chicago, and, finally, to the lush hills in San Francisco. Though some plot turns are played too melodramatically, Irma's adventures and redeeming evolution make this a serious book club contender.

Well, I personally am into melodramatic (have you heard me tell the story of how I got my first Brazilian bikini wax? It's practically a soap opera!) so I am all in to this book. I will be reading it for the first time along with you and have no idea what to expect. It just seemed like the perfect fiction escape from February.

Pamela, the author, has also offered to share some of her stories about her time living in Italy and so if you have questions about that as you read the book, be sure to ask on book chat day.

So that's this month's Book Club with a twist -- five free books up for grabs! The comments will close tomorrow night so I can email the winners and get the books shipped out on Saturday. Good luck!

Posted by laurie at 10:22 AM

January 25, 2011

I am at the beach in yoga pants

As soon as I put a period on the end of this essay I am getting in my Jeep and driving to the beach. It's January, it's going to be 78 degrees and I love this city.

I know how it sounds, but I don't mean it that way. After a decade and a half of people talking trash about Los Angeles I have learned to love in the moment. This city is my boyfriend. Sure, he's lazy and noncommittal with moments of extreme narcissism. But he is so pretty! And he has so much potential!

Some love to hate L.A. I get it. There have been times when I wanted to leave this city, abandon it, forget it ever happened. But where would I move? All I have is right here. I am wrapped into this place and it's wrapped into me.

I write about Los Angeles because I live here and I'm in a weird abusive relationship with this city. He will love you and leave you and make you call each night at 3 a.m. wanting to know if he misses you. If you could text L.A. he would ignore you. But the next morning you wake up and the sun is shining and you think. "Maybe today will be better."

There are days when I wonder if I have aged out of Los Angeles, when I think maybe I should move on. But how do you move on from L.A.? I went to the grocery store yesterday and saw a movie star and a cholo, both equal in hotness, while a guy on the sidewalk outside the store skateboarded along with his dog. Yes, they were both on the skateboard, the dude and the dog. The cholo saw it and said, "Check it out! That's fu***ed up! Orale!" The movie star kept shopping in his sunglasses.

We have the worst traffic in the nation. We know this. We perversely accept this. We've been to your city and we've heard you complain about traffic and we scoff at you, we laugh at you. Your six-mile stretch of traffic is our trip to the gas station. Los Angeles isn't like other cities. In northeastern cities you pay a toll in flesh and goosedown, you have to survive the cold and live to tell. We know we are wimps and losers with the weather. We put on parkas when it's 67 degrees. We don't care! We think if you choose to live in a deep-freeze you should stop complaining. After all, do we complain about traffic? Of course not! We live in traffic.

Posted by laurie at 8:58 PM | Comments (0)

Me so Tuesday, oh me so Tuesday

Approximately 56% of my readers will not know that the title today is derived from a crude, unimaginative 1980s song that I loved and spent most of 11th grade gyrating to while I applied unhealthy amounts of black eyeliner and blue eyeshadow to my face.

My bangs were four inches tall and even then I was a mere weakling amongst my hair overachiever peers. Oh, the 1980s. Best decade ever.

- - -

Did you watch HEAVY last night? Or am I the only one on Obesity TV Watch? I find this show less horrifying than HOARDERS, yet more unsettling than most obesity TV. Oh come on, you know what I mean: The Biggest Loser, National Body Challenge, True Life, Brookhaven, I Used To Be Fat, etc.

This show is unsettling because you don't really have a sense that the participants will succeed long term, as a viewer you don't really learn anything from it (since none of us will be spending the next six months in a special hermetically sealed facility with a hot trainer, it's not very applicable to real life) and the show feels like it is produced entirely from the perspective of people who have never been overweight. The latter isn't an overt part of the show, it's not like the network is doing a man-on-the street interview about fat people. Something about the show is just off.

Yet I watch.

- - -

Oscar nominations are out! The Oscars are my Super Bowl. How exciting to see that Winter's Bone was nominated for best picture! And Jennifer Lawrence, who plays Ree Dolly, was nominated for a leading actress award. Now aren't you glad we read the book?

When we were talking about Winter's Bone I was surprised by how many readers commented that they disliked the book because of the (gritty/sad/scary) world of meth addiction, something I thought was used rather lightly in the book only to sketch a background. The story (to me) never seemed focused on meth use at all, I thought it was a character study of a teenage girl. The book seemed far less scary or sad or gritty than an episode of CSI or Bones or even the nightly news, all those shows on network TV that show dead bodies and autopsies freak me out.

Anyway, I was really happy to see Winter's Bone get a Best Picture nomination. The book is one of my all-time favorites and I thought the movie was true to the feeling of the characters.

- - -

Yesterday after watching Oprah's show (she announced she had a long-lost sister) I called up my parents to ask if I had any sibling surprises.

"Did you ever have a baby named George Clooney and give him up for adoption?" I asked.

"No," said my mom. "Also, what you're thinking there is illegal, not to mention a little gross."

"OK, did you have a son named Vlad Putin and put him up for adoption?" I asked.

"Just how old do you think I am?" she said. "I'm hanging up on you now."

- - -

Doesn't Soba look like she's having an a-ha moment?

Posted by laurie at 9:55 AM

January 21, 2011

The Anti-Anxiety List

This isn't a new concept. The very birth of the to-do list was probably born out of anxiety, in a cave somewhere, with a Pre-colombian human up late at night scratching out a little stick figure drawing: get food, finish sharpening these arrowheads, perform Gooddess worship rituals, tan hides.

Last week I stayed up late into the night scratching out my own to-do list. On it were all the nagging items that may seem inconsequential but there's always needling at me, slowly, a low-grade anxiety like a sixty-cycle hum in the background of my mind.

I wanted to know if a concerted effort to address the little things that eat at me could add to my happiness. In the past few days I've completed the following tasks:

-- change out those two dead lightbulbs in the dining area
-- go to the post office
-- clean the oven
-- go to the laundromat and wash a pile of bulky blankets and throw rugs (and added in my curtains and a few other things)
-- gather all my 2010 receipts and bills in one box for eventual tax-time sorting
-- make a dentist appointment
-- put away the holiday decorations (I know, I know)
-- and finally, surprisingly, I actually hooked up my printer which led to
-- take the old printer that never worked to a recycle area

None of these tasks was particularly overwhelming in itself, except the printer, I just have a black thumb when it comes to hardware. But even that task was fine, the printer works, I even printed. Some of the tasks were mundane and tine (replacing two lightbulbs) but each day that I flicked that lightswitch I would notice the two dead lightbulbs and that sort of low-grade nag gets under your skin. I borrowed a ladder from the landlord and voila, no nagging.

The oven wasn't dirty like a hoarders oven or something, but the last chicken I roasted in the oven created a horrifying streaky burned-in butter glaze on the door and small oven window:

This picture was taken after I'd tried cleaning it before with all my natural hippydippy products -- scouring powder, steel wool, magic eraser, you name it and still the streaks remained. They weren't dirty to the touch, you could run a white paper towel across the stained area and nothing came off! They just looked so gross. Since the weather has been so beautiful, I opened all the windows and resorted to some Easy-Off oven cleaner. I used the allegedly "fume free" spray, which was still unappealing, and yet so so effective. In fifteen minutes my oven door looked like this:

Beauty to behold. I do not have a self-cleaning oven and while I loathe resorting to using nuclear waste to clean the oven door, I have to say it was worth it. Three times this weekend I just walked by it and looked inside.

Posted by laurie at 12:31 PM | Comments (0)

More bullet points

A formal apology for the bleeping bullet points. This online diary is accidentally turning into a poorly designed powerpoint slide. Oh powerpoint, what would the executives of America do without your bulleted lists and flying pie chart animations?

• Fat fingers
Every now and then I will be typing -- you should see me type, it's like watching a raccoon play piano -- and I will use one of my three typing fingers to press a button and a weird combination of return and shift and perhaps backspace deletes the open essay from the database. It's surprising because I couldn't replicate the keystrokes if I tried (I've tried.) It's happened maybe four times in six (seven?) years of writing this here website, so I usually take it as a sign from the Universe to write something better or different. So I do. I figure if even a soulless computer database hates the essay, it's time for a do-over. And how handy of the Universe to provide a newly empty screen in which to start over. Thanks, Universe!

ANYWAY. Hopefully that will address any lingering concerns anyone had about my mysterious, deep, dark secrets and the shady underbelly of a disappearing doodad. The secret is out: I have sausage hands. And, apparently, I also sort of believe the database is a person who occasionally hates what I write.

• More updates on doing nothing
Yeah, still no clutter management happening in the apartment. My idea was to de-stuffify the office so that when I have a houseguest stay with me that room would be open and inviting. I think some people refer to it as a "guest room." Fascinating. What I have is a yarn and books room.

My first-ever houseguest is arriving in just ten days or so. If I fail in clutter removal, I have a backup plan -- either make the houseguest a cozy bed downstairs and let go of the guest room concept entirely OR go ahead and use the yarn room as a guest room but keep the guest totally intoxicated for the entire visit so that the clutter is less memorable. Always have a backup plan!

• Breaking News: Large Pack of Real Housewives in Beverly Hills Try To Eat The Injured Housewife
Last's night's finale (not true -- the reunion show is always the finale, yes?) featured Sad Kim being encircled and taken down by the other botoxed gazelles. It made me sad. One of my favorite movies from the 1980s was Tuff Turf, and I kept expecting Frankie's scary Adam-Ant lookalike boyfriend to come save her. Life is so much better in the movies. Even if you're a celebrity.

And, finally, no powerpoint diary is complete without some visual aids:

Summertime!

Dapper Dallas says, "Use extra-hold spray this week, folks, we've got a light 45 mph breeze...."

Cats!

Bob making biscuits. So damn cute it offsets all the world's ugliness.

Posted by laurie at 9:19 AM

January 20, 2011

Mysteries around every corner!

The innernet is so funny. I love that people believe it to be mysterious and laced with underlying meaning. Or that anyone could believe that of me, because in person I am about as unmysterious as it gets.

Yesterday I got many emails from curious folks wondering what deep, dark reason caused one late-night essay to vanish and another to appear. To make the waters even murkier it was pointed out to me that this has happened before. So I am about to reveal my deep, dark, mysetious secret to you:

I have really fat fingers.

And there is more. More sharing! You may never have suspected this one, but I type worse than a trained monkey. I don't even know how to touch type. To rattle out my manifestos I use three fingers and one thumb to type and I am surprisingly FAST! People laugh when they first see me typing. I find it annoying, but have learned to live with it. (The laughing, I mean. I find nothing annoying about my typing. It's just how I type, it works for me.)

Also I type with vigor, so I am loud! And I bought that extra-loud springy clackity keyboard so I sound like I am on an old selectric. But I tend to hit multiple keys at once with my fabulous typing, and so I backspace but sometimes I move on faster than the software does and some weird and rare combination of a backspace and a return with a shift key at the wrong place makes the database eat whatever you've just written.

It happens so rarely that I just assume it's a sign from the universe to write something new, and I do, I prefer to keep moving forward with paragraphs instead of trying to reach back and recapture something that probably wasn't great anyway.

I know, it's disappointing that there's not a grand plan, a deep pang of regret, a hidden agenda, a secret personal reason. It's just a fat finger flub. It happens.

Posted by laurie at 1:29 PM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2011

Wednesday List

Because when all else fails you can 1) start a sentence with "because" and 2) write a list. Even a sentence can be a list!

• Happy Making Tasks
Last night I made a list of things I could do that would make me happy. I'm starting to wonder if the state of happiness, which I can only seem to maintain in small bursts, might be amplified by simply doing small things that alleviate anxiety. For example, I have a pile of large items that are too big to be washed in my tiny urban-dweller washing machine, so I have been meaning to take them to the laundromat for eleventy nine days. If I just got up, loaded them in my Jeep and actually went to the laundromat and finished this task, I believe it would contribute to happiness by eliminating the low grade dissatisfaction that comes with being a big old pile of loose ends.

I will not even pretend to you that my list was a short one. But even just writing down the few things that were nagging at me in the background seemed to help. I am going to try out my laundromat theory and get back to you.

• A drought, then a deluge
I have done no publicity events in forever and now with 2011 already here and trucking onward I have two back-to-back events in mere weeks. The first is April 8th at the RT Booklovers Convention and the next day, April 9th, I am at Literary Orange. If you're able to come I'd sure love to see you! All this time to ponder my navel alone has apparently made me more happy about visiting with total strangers. Who knows what dumbass stuff will come out of my mouth! Like the time I told a group of women at an empowerment conference that I had a PhD in Drunkenology. AWESOME.

• Still can't get rid of anything, send Peter Walsh
Really.

• Teevee scares me
Not sure why I watch "Jersey Shore" but it has that trainwreck factor. Do young women really act like that? Do young women really go home with random men they meet in bars and have drunken sex in front of a camera crew and other strangers? If so, we have failed you. We, the people who are the wave just before you, have failed you profoundly. We didn't want you to face the same bad-girl stigma we were imprinted with, but we also didn't want you to lose your damn minds and give away your cookie to every hungry, anonymous stranger that looked sideways at you. We failed you.

• And Teevee burns calories
I started Tivo-ing shows I could watch while riding the exercise bike and my Tivo list has changed a bit. They have to fit a certain criteria -- the show must keep me engaged enough to keep pedaling and the show must be fast-paced enough to keep me pedaling like a hamster. I've been watching Detroit 1-8-7 since it started, and it is so good, and Hawaii 5-0, but now I have added Southland, Off The Map and a few CSIs. Do you have any actiony show suggestions?

• Knitless
I haven't been knitting much at all lately, I think I got slight burnout from the hat-making factory I became back in November. And of course it's been sunny and eighty degrees every day so it feels very un-scarflike. I love winter in Los Angeles. And when summer comes and it's time to hibernate inside a cool air conditioned room I am sure to become a sweatshop of one again.

Posted by laurie at 11:40 AM

January 18, 2011

When in doubt, make a list

• Regis is what?
Regis Philbin announced today that he's retiring from his TV show. I didn't realize I had strong feelings one way or the other about Regis until he decided to up and leave. Apparently, my deep dislike of change extends even to things I pretend to care nothing about!

• So what if I want to change -- I would like everything else to stay the same
Just yesterday I was driving down Magnolia Blvd. in the valley and saw that a garden shop and pottery place that has been there for a million years is going out of business. The first thing that popped into my head was, "No! I don't want my Valley to change!" I felt the exact same pang of personal loss when The Ivy on Ventura Blvd. posted a going out of business sign. Even if I don't shop there. Apparently I want to live in the Barbie Dream House where everything stays the exact same and only Barbie changes her clothes and accidentally gets her hair cut off with manicure scissors.

• Heavy
Did you watch A&E's premiere of the new TV show HEAVY last night? Part of me was thinking that I really want to go spend a month locked in a room with that male personal trainer. And part of me was thinking you could not pay me enough money to get in a bathing suit on national television. Ever.

• I bought a bathing suit
Hey, that could be the opening line for my future horror novel!
Yes, last night I sat in a darkened room and scoured the internet for a bathing suit that would cover all my parts. Apparently those are called "wet suits." Why, you may wonder, would this woman who gets hives just thinking about spandex be contemplating bathing gear?

In early December I sprained my ankle and I haven't been able to walk obsessively every day all day (gosh, I wonder how I sprained my ankle?) so I thought I might visit the local gym which has a pool. Sounds good, yes? Except to get in a pool you need all kinds of mental preparation. If you are me, which I am. There's the bathing suit, for one thing. And there's the Everest-like task of removing all body hair from all parts near and wide, and wider, and then there is the fear that each person at the pool will be a Hollywood actress slash model slash rockstar because this is Los Angeles and I am more of a Mississippi magnolia. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

• Summer
Our weather has been spectacular, like the best parts of summer all rolled into one week. Yesterday I thought I should do some spring cleaning and I tried, I tried to declutter a bit and de-stash but all I did was rearrange my stuff. Why is it that sometimes you just want to cling?

Posted by laurie at 10:12 AM

January 1, 2011

2011: Prime Year Resolutions

The resolutions I made for 2010 were kind of heavy duty so this year I'm lightening up and resolving the following:

• Lighten up!

• Write write write! I will write here on this diary and in my paper one and write books and my first screenplay and maybe I will even write you a letter. And haiku and limericks and everything in between! I will write because I love it and because it is so much easier than dating.

• I will try to say Hey, hey, hey in a Fat Albert voice!

• I will shake my maracas! I do not care if I am large as a country ham as long as I am able to bump and grind. And anyway, I already bought myself a new pair of tennis shoes.

• I will try out a CSA! It's like some kind of communist vegetable proletariat thing and I am all for it, because I think Vladimir Putin is sexy, which my Uncle Truman says makes me a Total Communist. I found a vegetable CSA that has a drop-off site near me and I signed up for a two-week trial run and I will let you know how it goes (see bullet #1, write a lot!) I've gotten pretty good with the cooking and I love vegetables and I support small farms and I worship at the altar of organic so this seems like a good idea.

• I will plant a miniature garden on my rooftop patio! Something small and inexpensive, probably just herbs and peppers and maybe a squash. Because I long to be the proletariat farmer, too! And Vladimir Putin will think this is sexy and ask me on a date, but I will be too busy writing! And waiting for Al Gore to call!

• In 2011 I will either sh*t or get off the pot! Metaphorically! (Also, probably realistically, too.)

• I'm going to try Zumba! Because I like the name, and because it sounds hilarious and because one day when I am famous and married to the leader of mother Russia and/or Al Gore I will probably not be allowed to Zumba in public!

• I'm going to go to the movies a lot and eat popcorn!

• And I picked a word for 2011, because I thought that was a neat idea and could still be a bullet point, so all things considered it's pure listy joy. My word for 2011 is POSSIBILITIES! I will be open to possibilities and have the guts to take them on.

- - -

In my vast wisdom and nosepicking from 2010, I have learned that the universe is mysterious and kind of slapstick. Thanks, Universe. Really appreciated that you sent me a Bill Lumbergh last year. HAVE YOU FILED YOUR TPS REPORTS, UNIVERSE? Also the Universe has a sense of humor because not two hours after I made my whole "Lighten up!" resolution to encompass the whole year my drunken next door neighbors had a party that went from loud revelry to crazyass shouting and police and people being pulled out on stretchers and when that even did not make them stop hollering I went to knock on the landlord's door at 3 a.m. (he was gone of course) and the horrible next door woman saw me and cornered me in her drunken, fuming haze. She was skeery. She was so mad at me. Because clearly I was in the wrong to desire sleep. So thanks Universe for testing me so soon in the new year to lighten up. Really appreciate that! (I failed that test but now the bar has been set low and I have nowhere to go but up. See me lightening up Universe? DO YOU SEE?)

I am glad the Universe has a sense of humor because that goes a long way toward explaining things that cannot exist unless the Creator was having a field day of hilarity, things like gonads and farts and slugs. Seriously. Someone was either drunk or laughing when the testicles got put on the outside.

Thank God I was born a female!

Anyway, those are my resolutions, plus I said TESTICLES and TPS REPORTS. Oh, the innernet, where there is no editor and words are free.

Hello, 2011! Hey, hey, hey! I will be making your acquaintance now. Also, I will be making many vegetable stews thanks to the communist gardening I have signed up for! May we all Zumba and be open to possibilities and get off the pot in a timely fashion!

Posted by laurie at 9:47 PM

December 30, 2010

Little bit of this, little bit of that

Hello and Thursday! Also, even though it is crazypants early, I still have a cat trying to sit on my keyboard. It is Bob. Bob is like the TSA of this little home-based operation. He believes his job here at the shop is to make sure there are no weapons of mass destruction hiding behind the monitor, also he checks for edibles. During his thorough inspections, plenty of cat hair sticks to the monitor. That way we know the monitor is working.

- - -

Reader Marlena asked:

So this Nike band... it looks like there's a piece that needs to attach to your shoe. Have you ever managed to do that on a shoe that doesn't lace up? Or do you just use it with sneakers?

The Nike + shoes have a hidden compartment for the chip, that's the short answer.

The longer answer is this: I think I am one of the rare few who use the Nike+ Sport Band. From what I can tell from people I know who also use the Nike + chip, most run it through their ipods or iphones (here's a link to the Apple Nike + iPod Sport Kit). Those folks listen to music while they work out and the chip coordinates with software running in their iDevice.

I don't listen to music while I walk, that's purely my meditation time. So I got the sportband.

Basically, to get on this bandwagon you need three things:

1) A pair of Nike+ shoes (the plus sign means there is a little pocket inside the shoe to hold the chip) AND/OR you can buy an aftermarket thingamajig to hold the chip on your shoes, like the shoe lace sensor pouch. OR! OR! You could knit one, like my friend Rachael Herron.
2) The chip itself, which is about the size of a plastic fava bean.
3) Some device to read the data off the chip, either an ipod or iphone or a sportsband.

Nike sells the SportBand (which comes with the chip) as a package if you want to go that route. There is also the much more popular Nike+ ipod starter kit. And you can buy replacement chips for about twenty bucks if your chip starts to run out of juice in time. I have heard from other readers that if you wear your athletic shoes (with the chip inside) for doing daily errands and stuff it will dramatically decrease the chip's life.

I wear mostly flipflops in my daily life, so your mileage may vary.

You will also need to download some free software on your computer, or at least I did. It's how I upload my "runs" (which for me are all "walks") and track my progress. I'm just a consumer (not a paid advocate for running products) and I was skeptical if I could even get this thing to work but it was easy enough to get started and I really like it. It can display runs (again for me these are all walks) in a graph or by month, week, or day. You can set goals and the software will track it. The software is free, you do have to register a username with it, though.

Through my years of aggressively optimistic new starts (Hello, New Years Resolutions long past!) I managed to acquire both a treadmill and a recumbent bike and yet still the only exercise I really love is walking outdoors. Thank goodness I live in L.A. where we can walk outdoors just about year round.

Since we're on the subject, though, for those of you doing your own new start who are deciding between the bike and the treadmill, I would say go for the bike. Yes, the treadmill is probably a better workout in theory but I use the recumbent bike much more. It doesn't require electricity, it's easier to move around, less bulky and it's super quiet. And relatively cheap -- less than a quarter the price of a good treadmill! I was even able to put it together myself (I have this bike which was $160: Phoenix 99608 Magnetic Recumbent Exercise Bike).

I use it when I watch TV. It's so quiet and easy to do that I can make it through a whole episode of Hawaii 5-0 just pedaling away.

Honestly, I've never been a huge fan of exercise no matter what the device or machine or the cute new outfit I bought just to do said exercise. I'm no expert but I figure the only exercise that really works is the one you stick with on a pretty regular basis. I like walking best but the stationary bike is a good second.

I exercise because I can tell that it dramatically helps improve my sleep and it's decreased my depression. And one day I may be able to actually walk all the way up to my laundry area on the third floor without huffing and puffing.

- - -

Reader Sheila asked:

How is your dad? Much better I hope!

Yes! And thank you for asking. He is better. He's a tough cookie, and my folks are back on the road adventuring across America. And I saw Grandma on Christmas and she is doing well, too. We decided to go to the movies with Aunt Pam and Uncle Arnie and Grandma picked the movie -- she decided she wanted to see True Grit. Got to love my Grandma wanting to see a Coen Brothers film. It was good, we liked it. I complained about the poor movie horses, but we had a good day.

- - -

Reader Chris asked:

I would love it if you ever felt like posting about your acupuncture experience and if you feel it has helped.

Hello, Chris! You would think a crunchy granola such as myself would be all over acupuncture but I was extremely nervous about it at first. My doctor (read: shrink) suggested it because one of her clients had good results using acupuncture to treat his very intense depression and my doctor thought it may be something I'd want to investigate.

I did not care to investigate. Screw that. You want to put needles in my head you're gonna have to pay me! Or so I said.

Surprisingly enough in all of this my biggest pro-acupuncture cheerleader was my Dad. He had gone years ago and had great results and my Dad kept urging me to go, so finally I decided that if my very conservative un-granola Dad could do it, I could at least try.

It took me a few weeks to get up the nerve, but one day I called the acupuncture doctor and I made an appointment. I decided ahead of time that no matter what I would go at least three times before deciding to quit (I know how I can be.)

The first appointment was just a big ball of crazy. I was so nervous I was literally shaking. Physically. I have not ever once voluntarily asked someone to stick needles in my body. Plus, my acupuncture doctor is kind of hot, and that was a little disconcerting. The doctor will ask you very detailed questions about your health, stuff my own primary care doc never asks. And I was honest, and I told him I was there for depression, hopefully for help with weight issues and also with general health and well-being. I did not have high hopes for this needle thing but whatever. I figured I would try it.

On the first visit I was so incredibly anxious that I'm not sure I got much out of the session. I was just wound up so tight. Plus, lying in a darkened room alone for twenty minutes with needles sticking out of my hands and forehead while trying not to sneeze was just about enough. When he came in to take them out the only thing I felt was relief to have gotten through without bolting.

But I had promised myself to try it three times, so I went back the following week.

The next session was day and night's difference. Since I now knew the drill -- I had already met the doctor, been in the room, had already experienced the slightly odd sensation of having needles placed in your hands and ears -- it was less unknown and that itself made it less anxiety-producing. This time he added a few more needles and I think the session was longer, maybe 30 minutes. By the time it was over I knew I felt calm but as I sat up and reached for my shoes I realized I felt like I had been drugged. The good kind of drugged.

What I mean is that I had a calm, softened, still feeling inside me that I almost never feel. In fact, to feel that still and calm I usually have to numb out with a combination of food, TV and wine. You know that calm feeling I mean? The one where you stop feeling coiled up for just a little bit?

So anyway, that's what acupuncture does for me and now I am hooked. Totally hooked. I think it's a good thing. The obvious question for many people is ... is it worth it? For me, yes. I can't tell you the acupuncture itself is a golden bullet but I love and look forward to it and I think it's part of an overall strategy for good living. When it comes down to the money, I have decided I would rather spend money on my physical wellness and calm and find other ways to cut back on spending. Since I almost never drive anywhere, I'm probably saving so much gas money that it pays for itself.

Also it reminds me how good we are in general at rationalizing spending money on all kinds of crap like DVDs and gadgets and stuff from ebay and cars and handbags and shoes but when it comes to paying a shrink or a massage therapist or an acupuncturist or paying for a service that is not exactly tangible but could lead to long-term happiness, we balk.

Because we humans are funny little people.

- - -

Other Stuff:

• I have a printer still here in a box that I have got to set up today. I have had this printer for months, just there in its box sneering at me. I find tasks like this daunting and require a cocktail. So I have to wait until cocktail hour to get started on it. I have actually managed to exist without a working printer for well over two years but now I have to print something out and that means I got to git 'er done. Oh, technology. Why are we sometimes so hateful of each other?

• Something I wrote the other day got picked up for syndication on BlogHer and here is the link. Also, while I was registering for the site I found what looks like a delicious recipe for jalapeno creamed corn, doesn't that look good? Anyway, I'm sharing because I like what BlogHer is about. It reminds me of back in the day, what we were trying to do with ChickClick even though that sort of fell apart with a thud.

• I have one knitting project that has to get done and shipped by tomorrow and then I have to finish a couple of hats for my nephews oh, and I still need to post that newest hat pattern. What is everyone knitting these days?

• Does anyone have a good recipe that contains butternut squash? I'm not sure I love butternut squash all that much, even though I know it's good for you. But I have one here in the fridge and I want to do something with it other than just roast it. Worst case scenario I guess I could peel it, cut it in cubes and freeze it for later. I wonder if I could shred it and eat it raw in a salad, like you can with beets?

• When the clock strikes midnight tomorrow night and I am not 100% totally done with the manuscript I will look back at this blog and the eleventeen hundred words I have dumped on all you hearty souls lately and think, ah well. Typing is my cardio. And won't it be nice to say, in 2011 I finished my first fiction novel? Oh yeah.

• One of my goals for 2011 may be to learn how to say Hey! Hey! Hey! in a Fat Albert voice.

• It is wacky windy outside! Apparently there were tumbleweeds on the freeway this morning and everything. Very exciting!

And finally, are ya'll getting excited about a new, fresh year coming? I am. I'm ready to be done with 2010 and go on to Prime Year 2011.

Posted by laurie at 5:50 AM

December 29, 2010

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes (and the last roundup of the year)

When I started this wonky little idea, to post a monthly check-in on my 2010 New Year's Resolutions, I thought it would be fairly easy. You know, blah blah blah, life is grand, etcetera. That's what New Year's resolutions do to you, they lure you into easy hope and optimism. I blame it on those little bubbles in the champagne.

My 2010 Resolutions were:

1) Get really healthy
2) Come from a place of yes (later redefined as "Happy!")

January
The first month of 2010 was a big fresh start, two-thousand-ten! It seemed momentous. Like something might happen this year. Oh, how right I was. When I read back on that first roundup, January was a blur.

By far the best thing I bought for myself all year came that month, though -- I purchased the Nike + SportBand to track all my walking. I LOVE this thing. I have used it all year with no glitches or issues, and the battery on the chip is still going strong. I love that I can see how many miles I walked this year and it's a visible chart of my improvement. There were some months where I logged exactly zero miles, but by year's end I was hoofing it 20 miles a week. That and a great pair of shoes were my big investments in exercise and were absolutely the least expensive, most useful wellness-related things I have ever purchased.

By the end of the January 2010, I had the "loosen up/get happy" resolution fresh in my mind but I wasn't exactly the picture of cool, calm zen.

February
In February I did the best I could. The book signing was fun and I got to see lots of old friends. I didn't eat my vegetables and I think chocolate became a food group, whoops.

March
I tried to get it together, a lot, and mostly succeeded in re-arranging my bookshelves and knitting.

April
The slow trajectory of the new year became a wacky train ride.

May
One of the best things I've ever done happened in May -- my mom and I went to Bermuda together for her birthday. It was one of the best trips I have ever taken in my life. We traveled so well together, and the island is spectacular and the hotel was like a dream and room service was amazing and I even got on a boat and was not attacked by Jaws! It was relaxing at a time when what I needed most in the world was the get the hell out of Dodge.

But there were also a few days in May when I wondered, Is it possible to join the circus at my age? Lots of changes on the horizon!

June
My last day at the bank was June 4th. It was so hard and to this day I still miss all the good folks there but I had a great opportunity for change and I took it. It's funny how once you wrap your mind around something, even a huge change like this, you start to make it work. In other news my parents got into town, finally, and my dad was so ill, and my grandmother had another stroke. These are stressful events. So I tried to smile a lot and Stay Positive! and Be Happy! I was thankful that I got to spend time with my family and I went to the mountains for a week with my folks and I made my first pair of handknit gloves(!) and I had the completely new and novel experience of going to the grocery store at 10 a.m. on a weekday, something I can't really ever remember doing. I was completely freaked out seeing my dad so sick, but I pretended I wasn't. Not sure I fooled anyone.

July
I spent a lot of time with my family, and I woke up each day continually astonished that I didn't have to sit in traffic. Also, working from home is a big adjustment! You're near the fridge ... a lot...

August
In August something happened that was nothing short of divine intervention: I got the idea for this book I'm writing. I scrapped the hugely over-ambitious fiction project I had been fixated on and spent the month working out a new plot in my head, over and over, until I knew this character so well I could picture her every nuance. I did it to the exclusion of all other things, well, except chocolate. Yeah. August.

September
In September I wrote, and I wrote and I wrote. My brother came to visit. I didn't see it at the time, but I think things turned a corner for me in the fall, in a good way.

October
October was a fresh month, we have amazing weather in October, sometimes it's so hot you think your brain will melt and sometimes it's so clear and blue you want to snort the sky. It was a month of bittersweet endings and beginnings, my parents left the state and my Grandmother sold her house and moved permanently into a care facility and I don't really love change all that much but something was different with me because I wasn't all puddled up and crazy like I can be. Prelude to good.

November
The month I wanted to have all year long. Beautiful autumn weather, delicious Los Angeles with the Boulevard full of holiday lights and shoppers and people out walking their dogs with little jackets and sweaters on their canine friends. One day I was in my apartment and the cats were stretched out by the fake fireplace and my tree was already up and I was stretching my sore legs after an especially long walk and I knew with absolute certainty that I was happy. Most astonishingly, I was happy on the inside. Not from some achievement or success or money or a hot guy or a new purchase or even a book contract. It wasn't just one contented moment, a fleeting thing. It was the total belief that tomorrow I could have another happy day just like this one if I wanted. And I wanted!

December

Well, here we are.

Goofy, sparkly, finish-what-you started month. It started with the Kansas City surprise party for my Uncle Truman, a mini-family reunion. It's still December right now and I have almost-very-close-to finished my first-ever fiction novel (!!) and I've already plotted the sequel(!!!). I don't know if I will actually completely finish the manuscript by the time it hits midnight in three days, but I will have given it a very good try. I thought I would be really let down if I didn't finish, but I know what I have so far is good, almost 40,000 words and I could hand it over right now and not be embarrassed by it. So that in itself is an accomplishment.

My favorite part of each day is all of it, but especially writing and cooking for friends and waking and sleeping and all the spaces in between. I still have my moments, my dark corners, but in general I feel hopeful and ready.

- - -

So there you have it. On the eve of 2010, I made my two little resolutions -- get happy, get healthy -- because I was so desperately unhappy and unhealthy and I wanted to be better. As each month passed I began to feel more and more desperate, because I seemed to be going in the wrong direction! If you had seen me in August you would have suspected I was two shakes from the rubber room.

But the very lowest point of my year also gave me the most surprise gift, a book idea that lit a fire under me for months. I maybe overdosed on research for a while but I finally plugged into a project and into my real life, this life, the only one I have. My days changed because I changed. And I invested in myself. I did things that were scary and annoying: I went to the doctor, I started acupuncture, I walked, I learned to cook, I learned to breathe instead of taking mallomar infusion. (Well, most of the time. Rome, not built in a day.)

What a weird, freakadelic, unpredictable, unexpected year.

Thanks for hanging in there and living it with me.

Posted by laurie at 2:06 PM

December 27, 2010

My favorite week of the year

This is my favorite week of the year, that little gap between Christmas and the new year. It's calm and the weather is usually lovely and traffic is at a year-end low. For one thing people have calmed the hell down and you don't see so much of the angry GET OUT OF MY WAY I HAVE IMPORTANT ERRANDS tailgating. People are less aggressive and ridiculous in general, after all the rush and stress of the holiday are past and now everyone can sit back, drink the wine and eat all the carbs they want because in just a few days they'll make a New Year's Resolution to get it all together.

I've been thinking about my New Year's Resolutions. I love a list, my tombstone will probably be a bullet-point list. I love lists! They make me feel in control of the world, if I just write it on my list it is possible that I can change around my whole life.

This year I did actually change around my whole life. Not in the way I expected, but still. No complaining from my end.

The cats are happy, too, they've been enjoying their new Christmas present, one furry blanket that they take turns burrowing in until comfortable:

You will notice la Soba is not in these pictures, she can't be bothered with any of this, she is stretched out before the fireplace reading The Art Of War.

Are you making resolutions? I've heard some readers say they're using a single word as a resolution, like a concept for the year. You'd think I'd be all over that like a navel-gazer is all over a mountaintop but I'm more into my bullet points. My favorite resolution was from reader Susie who said a year or so ago she resolved to "Eat more bacon!" which cracked me right up. Anyway, for those of you who hate resolutions with the burning fire of a thousand boiling suns you can just go over to your corner and eat worms and wave your fingers of doom, but I'd love to hear from everyone else on what you hope to accomplish in 2011, or what your word is, or what it is that you want to bring into your life (or get rid of, as the case may be.)

I love resolutions because they're hopeful and speak to what kind of life we want to live. For some of us that hope that tomorrow can be full of some new possibility is the crack cocaine that keeps us living another day.

And anyway, I am living proof that deciding you want to be in a different (better) place in 365 days can actually work. Though not at all in any way I could have ever pictured, plotted or imagined. The universe has a funny sense of humor.

Maybe I too, should vow to eat more bacon.

Posted by laurie at 9:55 AM

December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas! (And Merry Christmas Eve)

The entire staff here at Crazy Aunt Purl wishes you a happy holiday!

There is a lot of help on that desk.

Posted by laurie at 1:25 PM

December 19, 2010

Food criminals part 2

Every time I write something ancillary about my issues with food someone sends me a diet plan.

I eliminated high-fat foods for the most part. I had what I called the White Breakfast, oatmeal with no sugars, a hard-boiled egg and a cup of yogurt, plus coffee. Lunch was a piece of roasted chicken breast and a salad, supper was chicken or fish, a vegetable and a salad, with wine to make it luxurious. Fruit midmorning for a snack, midafternoon for another snack (which helps with the sugar cravings) and a hunk of cheese with wine at bedtime.

You should try the clean-eating diet...

Buying a steamer will change your life. It changed mine. If you steam your veggies you will get more health benefits with less calories.

It always surprises me, though it shouldn't. The intention behind it is kind and good-hearted and I think after all the money I have spent on therapy I am happy to see I can understand these notes are sent with good intentions and well-meaning ideas.

Here's the thing. Have you ever seen the show Hoarders? It's a reality TV show about people who are hoarders and live in terribly cluttered or refuse-filled homes. It boggles the mind. The mind is boggled! You think, My God, people, just clean your house. Get thee to a Swiffer! Of course if they could do that they would not be hoarders. Duh.

What about alcoholics? Would you tell an alcoholic, "Look, there are other things to drink besides alcohol. Next time you are thirsty, drink water or milk or juice. And that will solve your problems!"

Of course not, because alcoholism isn't about thirst. Just like eating disorders are not about food.

Giving a weight-loss diet plan to a person with food issues is like telling an alcoholic to just drink grape juice the next time they get parched. Alcoholics don't have a problem with alcohol because they are terribly confused about what else to drink. Folks who have food issues aren't simply lacking knowledge about steamed vegetables and lean proteins. My belief is that people who have food issues probably know more about food, fat, calories, consumption, and loss than any other people on the planet.

Trust me, another diet won't fix that psychic perplexity.

- - -

Reader Jennifer asked:

I'm right there with you. At this point, I'm not even sure what a balanced meal is or what is or isn't healthy. I've been dieting and restricting what I eat and have heard so much -- that I've lost all track of that. What a relief it must be to "undiet." Good for you! If I took a similar approach, I'd be nervous that I might go crazy and eat whatever I want. Does that make sense? Like I actually might lose all control?

Were you ever afraid of this? and how did you handle it?

It is not a relief to swear off dieting. It is terrifying, it is crazy-making and it's disorienting. Because if you are like me you have spent an entire lifetime eating from someone else's list so you have no idea what to eat if you aren't on plan (those off-plan times you think of as simply anomalies.) I have been trying this for over five years now and it's been up and down. I even went back to low-carbing again just before my second book expo, I think I needed the feeling of control and constraint that comes with restrictive eating.

We're most afraid that without a plan we will never, ever stop eating. I feared I would become unhinged, wild, lost with hunger. I definitely had times of absolute abandon where I worried I would never stop eating (and there were times when I did not).

I think that perhaps you have to be willing to fail. There are days now when I am OK -- I am not crazy restricting or alone in shamed overeating. To get there I think you have to be willing to treat yourself with care and put your own well-being above the approval of others. It is almost bone crushing. For those of us who just want to be lovely, pretty, appealing or accepted... it feels a little like dying to give up the hope you'll ever be just perfect enough.

But it is really, really worth trying.

- - -

Reader India says,

You are right and I so totally agree with everything you said. I'm trying to learn this myself, rather than be disgusted and angry with myself all the time because I don't look the way I want (yes I am overweight, but since when is size 10 or 12 such an awful thing?), or I fall of the wagon and eat something I shouldn't... But I have an appointment with my (skinny) doctor in six weeks and I KNOW she will look at me disapprovingly when she sees that I haven't lost any weight, have in fact maybe gained some. She will blame me for my blood pressure being slightly high, for not exercising enough. I know this because it has already happened before.

I am not a doctor, I am a person with issues. Also I hate giving advice so take this as you will:

CHANGE DOCTORS.

I firmly believe that I have good, sturdy, robust health today because I have a doctor who does not make me feel bad to visit him. I am not denied healthcare because of my weight. (If one avoids a doctor because of weight ... well, you see my logic.)

Several years ago when I started down this path of yanking myself out of disordered eating I asked the nurse at my primary care physician's office to not weigh me. They put a notation in my chart so that it now never comes up. For me, this is good. For people like me, that weigh-in is a barrier to getting actual healthcare. (And let's be honest, it's not like I don't know my weight down to the ounce every day, thank you bathroom scale. Like I said, I got me some issues.)

My doctor never chastises me or makes me feel bad about myself. He cares. I see him regularly for check-ups and routine exams. I have good health care because my doctor does not harass me. He knows that if harassing worked to get people out of food issues then, wow, we'd already be cured.

So if your doctor is not helpful, kind, and respectful of you then JUST CHANGE DOCTORS. NOW.

Some people will think I am giving you bad advice because they believe a doctor's role is to chastise you into better health. In reality all that does is make you avoid the doctor. Find a doctor you like who respects you and doesn't make you want to eat a chocolate Volkswagen after every visit and your life will begin to change as well. It's up to you. You hold the answers, not some third-party who looks at you in deep disapproval.

- - -

About the beet salad, Lenna asks:

I have a question about your salad: do you use the olive oil and red wine vinegar in equal amounts also?

I think I just sprinkle on a little of both. It's not a salad that need a whole lot of dressing, it's pretty darn tasty as-is!

- - - -
Lynn wrote:

I have been thinking about which "diet" to start on January 1st and had decided on Atkins. All my inner alarm bells were clanging at the thought of carrots, potatoes, fruit and my husband's homemade sourdough bread being "dealbreakers". But, I had read about someone who had lost 100lbs and still feels great after 3 yrs. So, I was ready to dive in even though all common sense said don't do it.

Every January 1st since I was eight years old I have resolved to go on a diet. For those of you counting, that is thirty-one years of dieting. Each new year I resolved to be less of myself.

Even my "get healthy" goal for 2010 started out very secretly carved as a weight goal.

So, Atkins. I lost a lot of weight on Atkins. When I went off it I gained at a rate that astonishes me to this day. There are many people for whom a low-carb lifestyle is really appealing. It certainly appealed to my obsessive, crazypants qualities -- it brought out my OCD around food like nothing before or since. Not everyone who goes on a low-carb diet turns into a food-aholic but perhaps it was my wiring, the timing, some underlying unbalance in me. Who knows? All I can say is that to this very day, knowing what I know, I still lean toward restricting carbs when I get stressed out. Four and a half years of hardcore Atkins did me in. I evangelized Atkins, I lived it and breathed it like a religion and to this day I am still trying to unravel it in my brain.

- - -

So that's it. Just a few things today as a follow up. I don't have a lot of answers about food. Most every person I know has qualifiers around eating, a little secret math formula known only to them that decides if they eat this or that or how much. What a complicated equation.

I know I have gotten better because I don't get squalling angry at the strangers who send me diet plans these days. But I also know I still have a long way to go because the new year is approaching and in my head it means a fresh start, a new regime, and I have to really talk myself down from that ledge.

At least now I can see it's a ledge.

Posted by laurie at 12:35 AM

December 15, 2010

Post-Book chat; books, movies and other assorted doodads

What interesting comments on last month's book club selection, Olive Kitteridge. I think I enjoyed reading the comments more than reading the book! (Oh, just kidding. But still.) Our winner was Jennifer (how many Jennifers are there in my life??) who said,

I like the book club idea Laurie, let's keep it up! How about The Portrait of a Lady for next time? I've never read it, and feel like I could use some book club support when I attempt it. :)

Congrats on winning! I don't know what the next book will be, as much as I love Henry James I'm not sure anyone else does. I worry about making people hate me with desperate abandon. But I am taking any and all suggestions for the next classic, although I want a book that meets the following criteria: FREE to all from the internet and have a free audiobook version. I'm open to any suggestions!

My editor inspects my work.

In other news:

• I saw Black Swan and much to my surprise it really was a ballet horror movie. This is something I knew going in and yet still, a ballet horror flick! I'm not going to say what I thought of the film since I don't want to sway you one way or the other but I will say that Natalie Portman's body was like its own character in the story. I think the movie opens nationwide on Christmas.

• Neil at Citizen of the Month is having his Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert today. If you scroll long enough you may see one very famous cat just sitting there staring at people. And Neil, why are all your cabinets open in your video? Why? Why?

• Every time I mention I have gone off traveling somewhere I get lots of questions about the most important part of traveling: Who takes care of the cats? I have a lovely house sitter who is certified pet sitter and to me it is worth every penny. She's been part of my travels for over five years now! I couldn't travel if I didn't think they feline posse were in good hands. If you are looking for a qualified pet sitter, I suggest heading to the website http://www.petsit.com/ to find a professional near you. You may also be able to find someone by contacting your vet's office and asking for a recommendation. The most important thing is to go with your gut. Don't talk yourself into taking on someone you don't trust just because you think it will be hard to find a pet sitter. There are plenty of people in this world who love animals and will respect your home and once you find a good sitter it really frees up your worry space for other important anxieties, like which shoes to pack and which pants make your butt look best.

• As I type this I have a cat in my lap. Sobakowa likes it when I type in the mornings because she fits right into the nook between my body and the desk. She purrs and I type and we do this until my leg falls asleep. Several people have asked me about my keyboard (which has nothing to do with the cat, by the way) and how it looks so different from their mac keyboards. I like apple computers but I hate apple keyboards. I use The Matias Tactile Pro Keyboard, which is much more like an old fashioned keyboard, it clacks as loud as a typewriter. The loudness and springyness of it are its main points of awesomeness for me but I think people who are used to the quiet keyboarding experience of most modern computers will find it too old fashioned. BUT if you miss your old IBM Selectric daily, this is they keyboard for you. I type a lot so I need a perfect typing situation and for me this is it.

• Finally, How did it get to be December 15, 2010? Next year, 2011, is a prime number year. I hope it's a good omen. I think we could all use a good year.

Posted by laurie at 10:31 AM

December 13, 2010

Olive Kitteridge

Good morning! This month (and a half) of online bookishness was spent with Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout.

I first read Elizabeth Strout when Amy and Isabelle was published, and I thought she had a lovely writing style, so crisp at times you could close your eyes and just smell the scene.

I didn't realize at first that this book was a collection of short stories. Once I realized it wasn't a traditional novel I could appreciate the way it was arranged (I tend to like short stories, Alice Munro is a favorite.) I will say I didn't like this book nearly as much as I liked Amy and Isabelle. I'm very curious what you thought about the story collection format. Did you like it? Or do you prefer a solid, singular novel with a more traditional story arc? I often felt that I wanted a little more, but the format itself kind of painted Olive as much as the words: complex, seen in different lights as a different person, incomplete.

And what did you think of the book? Satisfying? Left you wanting? Loved it? couldn't get into it?

No matter what you think of Olive it's hard to deny that Strout is a beautiful writer. I think what I liked most about Olive Kitteridge was the underlying idea that you never really know another person. Of course there are folks who believe you can know someone else fully and completely but I just don't think it's possible. Every person has their secrets, their quiet omissions, their spaces that are unknowable even to themselves. Someone you've known a lifetime may surprise you tomorrow. And that underlying tone of the character makes the book both unsettling and interesting (to me). But then again I like the idea that every human being is a little puzzle of impulses and desires.

- - -

Let me know what you thought of the book and if you have a particular classic in mind you may want to read soon. I think we'll wait until after the new year to get all bookish again, perhaps because some of you are encased in snow and ice and perhaps because some of us have spring fever already with 80-degree sunny days. Or perhaps because neither of us can knit and read at the same time! (You all who can knit and read simultaneously boggle my mind. Boggle!) And I will pick someone from the comments to win a mystery box of goodies, including some Patons Up Country that is rarer than the most priceless gem...

Posted by laurie at 4:55 AM

December 8, 2010

Dude, where's my pat-down?

So I've been off gallivanting and I was sure I would come back with lascivious tales of pat downs and someone (me) making inappropriate sexual remarks to someone (random TSA dude) just doing their job but alas, there was nary an x-ray machine nor a rambunctious pat-down in sight. I had even carefully checked out the TSA attendants while I was standing in line, trying to figure out which one would become my post-pat-down babydaddy. What a surprise to discover that flying is the same old shoeless bore as always.

So yes, I headed off to the airport on Friday for a very early morning flight out to Kansas City. My family was gathering from the far-flung ends of the map to show up for my Uncle Truman's surprise 70th birthday party. (It is a very long story of how an avowed Southerner came to live in Kansas, a story for another time.) My brother flew in from Florida the same day and I timed my flights with his to cut down on the chauffeuring my family had to do. You can guess who got the better end of that deal. Why my vacations always seem to start at 3 a.m. is a constant mystery to me ... can someone please tell my why vacation cannot start at 10 a.m.?

Aside from my departure time, which was still the middle of the night, the flight was just fine. I am one of the few people I know who really loves airports but even I can't find anything good to say about the TSA's full body x-ray scanners so I was going to opt for one of those gynecological pat downs. The only downside is that I deeply believe if you want to get that up-close and personal with my coochie I need a glass of wine first, so I planned to make the TSA buy me a drink. HOWEVER, even I do not drink wine at 5 o'clock in the morning (yet). You can see how flying is very stressful for someone like me. Lots of stress. What with all the neuroses and all.

My cousin Melissa picked up me and my brother at the airport (different states, different airlines, yet still so coordinated! we are a marvel of ingenuity!) and we were off on Mission: Birthday Surprise.

Here are my brother Guy and cousin Melissa at the party:

They were best friends when we were kids. After all this time they are still like peas and carrots.

The three brothers, that's my Uncle Truman, my dad and my Uncle Skipper:

Uncle Truman, Carol (family friend) and Dad checking out the photos:

Paparazzi got you!

Me and my Dad having a self-portrait moment:

You KNOW my parents brought their favorite child along for the family reunion! Here is my mom and the baby:

I LOVE THIS PICTURE.

No family travelogue would be complete without some Corgi butt:

Now, the picture below will not make my Dad happy, since I caught him mid-conversation, but it is the sole image I have of any of the handknits I hauled across the country for my family:

Sorry, Dad. But I have been knitting like a small factory sweatshop of one for weeks now and did I take a single picture of all the handknitted items I made? NO. I completed seven hats, one scarf and one pair of armwarmers. Also in addition to forgetting to take snapshots of the handknits I neglected to take pictures of the scenery, most of the people and most of the events of the long weekend, probably because it was 12 degrees outside. People. I am not used to degrees in the lower end of the 100s. For example, "freezing." I love all ya'll who live in the frozen Arctic tundra but I will not be visiting you again in December because although I thought I was prepared for the cold what with my raincoat and all, as it turns out I do not know from cold. In December here in Los Angeles we have dapper Dallas Raines and our difficult winter weather:

Yeah, that's right, 84 downtown on Sunday. Read it and weep.

After a long and happy and wine-drenched weekend I was so excited to come home to my little family of shorties and my weird city and my bed. Home is a beautiful thing. One of the shorties especially missed me, so much that even when typing this he was all into helping me and making sure I got it right, especially the spell-check:

Bob says, "No pat downs here, but we got all purring at half price!"

Posted by laurie at 6:25 PM

December 1, 2010

Next-to-last monthly recap

Yes, here it is, the almost-last monthly roundup and also the first day of the last month of this year. Yikesamighty. Is 2010 really almost over?

- - -

November was the one I have been waiting for all year, the sort of month I think I had in mind when I first created this little resolution of mine to get happy and get healthy. Back in January OH SO LONG AGO I wasn't entirely sure what those goals really meant or how to measure them or what it entailed, realistically, to achieve such goals but November was when it finally all came together for me.

Hey, it only took me 11 months. Word up.

November was: perfect weather, feeling hopeful and content, listening to music, writing, cooking, walking in my neighborhood, not just every day but sometimes twice a day (I clocked just under 85 miles on my Nike + SportBand, which is crazypants.)

This whole year has been a rollercoaster, and not the cool, thrilling Magic Mountain sort of rollercoaster. It's been more like the scary, rickety rides you see at carnivals that spring up overnight in a parking lot in Reseda run by ex-cons and very short men with shaved heads.

I spent several months trying to power through it, which didn't work that well but I SMILED and STAYED POSITIVE BY GOD and EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT ONE DAY. In August I kind of split open majestically and then as the year closed in, all my pieces somehow managed to fit back together, this time even better than they were before. What I am telling you is that it is mysterious and goofy and illogical, but November was not just the best month I have had all year it was the best month I have had in years.

Nothing stupendous happened, I did not go on any dates with Al Gore or take any lush European vacations or get a fabulous haircut or even go to the movies. The source of my happiness didn't come from something I bought or ate or watched on TV. Something changed on the inside. It's been improving steadily these past few months but only recently do I wake up each day feeling good about living. It's not something you can buy or wear or show off (and I ought to know, I spent a lot of years trying to buy me some happiness.) It's not tangible. It didn't cost anything. I am as surprised as you are.

And I feel hopeful and optimistic but not in that vigilant wild-eyed way you get when you're about to fall over. It's more subtle. I think it's ironic and funny that it came to me this way. I've spent most of my adult life hoping I would finally be happy when conditions were right -- when I had enough money or lived in just the right place or had just the right amount of accomplishment. On paper, current conditions are not just right and still I wake up feeling better than I did the day before. Perhaps all that hooey about harmony coming from the inside out might be true. Who knew! What I can say for sure is that I've been away from the bank for five months now and I'm finally exhaling, sleeping, plugging in to my life. It's not perfect and that makes it all the more surprising.

So that was November. In November I just lived my new life and it was good. That's all I wanted. That's all any of us want, right? To have a good day and string several together for a good life.

And now it's December, the last month of this wacky year. Hopefully now I'm at that part of the ride where you step off and thank the good Lord that your rollercoaster didn't get stuck upside-down and you can leave the amusement park and go have a cocktail.

- - -

December Goals: Just do more of the same. And finish the book.

(Comments are not available today.)

Posted by laurie at 9:20 AM

Congrats to the sock book winners!

The winners of the sock books giveaways were reader Victoria (who shares my love of Fitch from Detroit 1-8-7) and reader Michelle in Colorado, who has made a sock-only pact with a friend, so I do hope these books help you with that. Though I may try to persuade you to try a hat now and then...

Thank you to all the (0ver 800!!) people who participated! In December I have LOTS of knitting books to give away, so stay tuned for more.

Posted by laurie at 9:00 AM

November 29, 2010

"Olive" postponed; Sock knitting books giveaway

Over the past week I started getting letters asking when we were supposed to talk about Olive Kitteridge and could we please add a few days to this month? So, since I wasn't planning to pick a December book anyway, why don't we add a few weeks to our online book club timeline? That way more people can join in! Let's meet back here on Monday, December 13th (which gives you two extra weeks) and we'll chitchat about ol' Olive.

- - -

Today, instead let's have a free book raffle!

TWO lucky winners will each win The Sock Knitter's Workshop and The Enchanted Sole; Legendary Socks for Adventurous Knitters by Janel Laidman. The latter book is even signed by the author!

They are basking beneath my tinsel tree on my desk...

To be eligible to win, just post a hello today in the comments. Good luck! Word to the sock knitters!

Posted by laurie at 8:33 AM

November 24, 2010

Oh, Teevee, How I love Thee

I love that this year's biggest most life-threatening issue in America has been the final three lineup on Dancing With The Stars. Personally I wasn't invested in the outcome, but that is probably because I am still holding a grudge from the season many years ago when Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan was voted off. Fester much?

Mostly I was impressed that Jennifer Grey wasn't just the winner, she was a 50-year old gal who could outrun me twice over. Did you see also-50-year-old Robin Roberts shimmy away on this morning's Good Morning America? I love seeing women in their 50s looking smoking hot, it's awesome. What did you think about the season ... were you morally outraged, slightly bemused or just wondering why all the sudden you wished Kyle would win?

By far my newest TV guilty pleasure is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, even though this is really The Real Housewives of Los Angeles, trust me when I assure you that level of insanity is not particular to the 90210 but is in fact alive and well all over this freakydeaky place. Those fishlips on Taylor and that weird, Frankensteiny blonde twig thing that makes all women of a certain income level look suspiciously alike happens all the way from the 818 to the 714.

The dueling birthday parties episode was high art (Taylor's weird husband, the scene of their kid hanging out alone with the nanny, the terrible despair of getting a new puppy, so tragic!) My favorites are Lisa and her husband and that goofy dog which I believe is half the size of Bob's last hairball.

But it's the former Mrs. Kelsey Grammer that makes this show fascinating and surreal. When she was in her big, hallucinated fight with Kyle (who is truly stop-traffic beautiful) and Camille went on and on and on about how much better her husband was than Kyle's husband I was having fits. My husband won an Emmy and is a celebrity and since I sleep with him I am SO MUCH BETTER than you, you with the beautiful husband and the happy marriage and the cute kids. You don't even have four nannies or eighteen houses or a paid entourage of people to kiss your butt, you are nothing! (smug giggle)

Juicy. Trashy. Teevee!!

As for the new shows, I still watch Hawaii 5-0, mostly for Scott Caan, and sometimes Nikita, along with Detroit 1-8-7 (I have a crush on Fitch), and Hellcats, which I love and don't care what you think of me for admitting it. What are you watching? Have you also been abducted by the Beverly Hills Housewives? Say I'm not the only one...

Posted by laurie at 9:17 AM

November 12, 2010

Name This Movie

My Uncle Truman doesn't use computers. He has never been on the internet and furthermore he is still upset that Walker, Texas Ranger isn't on the TV anymore. He's hilarious. He makes me laugh.

When he needs research, he calls me, because I have "the innernet on a lot." That was how we started talking about this old movie he'd seen this one time and he cannot for the life of him remember the name or who starred in it.

I researched and looked up every keyword combination I could think of but I came up empty-handed. So I'm turning this over to you, Readers Who Mysteriously Know All Kinds Of Crazy Stuff. I can only assume you have more innernets on where you live.

In 1963, my Uncle Truman was a soldier living overseas when he and some Army buddies got sent to West Berlin. He was a 22-year-old kid from South Texas and he said that the most amazing thing he'd ever run across was right there in West Berlin ... not the Brandenburg Gate or Checkpoint Charlie, but a very elegant little nightclub/cafe that he and his friends visited. Inside the club, the tables each had a phone and if you wanted to dance with one of the beautiful women seated there you would call them and ask on the telephone.

Now here's the mystery as-yet unsolved by my home innernets: According to my Uncle there is a black and white movie out there somewhere that has a scene like this, with the bar/club/restaurant that has the phones at the tables.

Have you ever seen this movie? I want to find it for him for his upcoming 70th birthday but I have no idea what the movie is. I asked him if he was thinking of a scene from "Cabaret" but he said no, he'd seen that movie but it wasn't the movie. The movie he's remembering is an old black and white film.

So please post if you have ever seen this movie and know the name. I really do appreciate your help! Besides, I figure that finding this movie for him is the least we can do if we're not going to start a letter writing campaign to get new episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger for him. And we are not doing that. Nosiree.

Posted by laurie at 8:01 AM

November 9, 2010

Is this thing on?

As far as I can tell, my internet service provider has three levels of technical support.

Tier One Help is phone support. "My internet service has stopped working," I tell the nice girl on the phone. We go through the normal routine of unplugging, powering down, reconnecting, rebooting.

"Hmmm," she says. "Looks like your internet isn't working."

Tier Two Help is a nice cable repairman who shows up in person and goes through the same routine from the phone call: unplugging, powering down, reconnecting, rebooting.

"Well," he says. "Looks like your internet isn't working."

Tier Three Help is the person who actually fixes things. That person showed up this afternoon with a big toolkit and fancy devices and took wires out of my walls.

"You have noise on the line," he said.

"It's the CIA reading my email," I said.

"Uh, I'm going to check the outside line," he said. And quickly exited.

Now my service seems to be back online but just in case a special Third Tier To The Second Power team is coming tomorrow to check the neighborhood for special internet blahblah stuff. I'm just letting you know, Government, if you're reading. You may want to clear the line tomorrow.

Posted by laurie at 3:44 PM

November 5, 2010

Mysteries (doors)

I'm in the seated position, in a place that is supposed to be sort of pleasant, and that's when I hear the scratching on the door.

Soon I see a small paw insistently waving underneath it, poking in through the crack between the floor and the door. The paw is saying, "Hey, it's me! It's me over here! Open up! Let me in! Did you forget about me?"

I wonder to myself what it's like to go to the bathroom alone without a cat pawing relentlessly at the bathroom door.

Is it peaceful? Is it lonely? How would I know?

- - -

One of my neighbors has door-related OCD. I'm not sure if she even realizes it, and of course I have never met her or spoken to her so I can't be sure either way, but I know her habits. She's quite loud.

This apartment building is long and narrow and all the apartments open up to a long, tiled outdoor lobby that is also narrow. The apartments aren't spread out one on top of the other like some buildings. Instead, each unit is narrow as well, and goes up vertically, with the kitchen and living area on the main floor, bedrooms up a flight of stairs, and a third flight of stairs leads to a small laundry room and patio.

Since the building is tall, the little tiled courtyard amplifies every noise. Most of the neighbors are quiet and you don't notice the echo chamber very often. But one of my neighbors a few doors down has a doorknob issue. She exits her apartment, shuts the door, locks it, then obsessively pulls the door loudly back and forth seven times (to be sure it's locked, I assume.) Sometimes she has to go back inside and repeat the whole ritual. Shut door, jangle keys, lock door, loudly yank it back and forth seven times. It echoes in the courtyard.

Fascinating.

- - -

The weirdest neighbor of all has to be the woman who recently took her cat into the courtyard on a pink leash, with a matching pink collar.

I never intended to be the lady who walked her cat on a pink leash. One doesn't always choose their crazy. Sometimes it chooses them.

Sobakowa started sitting at the front door and meowing. She isn't a meower, so it startled me. After a while I could tell she thought the front door must lead to something fantastic, like a bathroom.

She's getting older, you know. And I like to make all God's creatures happy in their old age. What could be the harm in letting her walk on the courtyard tile for a minute or two?

But if the lady with the loud doorknob ritual came out, she might scare the cat, who might bolt for cover and so I decided to buy the cat a little leash. The cheapest small leash at the store was pink with a matching pink collar. I assumed the indignity of the vomitous colored leash and collar would embarrass the cat enough to give up this mad yearning for the front door to open.

She was undeterred by the humiliating leash. We walked outside, onto the tile, and she looked at me as if to say, "I have trained you well. I meowed. You went to the store and bought me this leash so I could take you on a walk. And now here we are. This is even better than the bathroom."

And, just like that, I became the weirdest neighbor.

Posted by laurie at 8:01 AM

November 1, 2010

Another month, another roundup

The first day of a new week and the first day of a new month. The freshest of fresh starts.

It used to be that the start of a new month (and then later, every new week) was the beginning of my new diet. I've always liked the possibility of a brand new month, it meant you could start a path to a whole new you. Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if people had thought I was good enough exactly as I was when I was a little kid. Would I have ever gone on a single diet or had any problems with my weight at all? But you can't go back in time. Only forward. Work with what you have, not what you wish you had.

Even though I'm done starting a new diet every week (or month) I still like the feeling that each new calendar page could contain something better or healthier or happier. It's optimistic.

October was fine. It seemed to go by awfully fast, blink and you missed it. In October I had a few friends over for dinner and made my very first roasted chicken (it was good but took much longer to cook than I anticipated), I visited with my parents and with Grandma, I did some other stuff, blah blah blah.

How have I been doing this far into the year 2010 with my two resolutions? With my "Get Happy" resolution I'm not sure where I am. I'm certainly less stressed out about some things. I don't feel like every day is a chore to be endured like I did when I was commuting, and I take a lot more enjoyment in small tasks like grocery shopping and making the bed.

I have discovered there is a direct relationship between how happy I am and how much I'm writing. For the past two or three weeks I've been doing mostly research and it's less satisfying than the real writing, I start feeling like I'm squandering my time. I want to have my first fiction book completed by the end of this year. I thought I would be done two weeks ago! But I'm starting to understand that I can't power through 80,000 words in a weekend or two if I want even 12 of those words to be good ones.

Anyway, this is the first time I've written anything even remotely like this so it's all new and I like setting a deadline for myself. December 31st, 2010. I need that sense of completion, of being able to say, "In 2010 I wrote my first fiction novel."

My "Get Healthy" goal is chugging along. Sometimes (like with writing) I get frustrated that it's not all happening fast enough. I try to remind myself that real progress can take time. Every time I catch myself berating myself for not being where and who and how I want to be I try to soften it and find something more positive to say. It's dorky but it seems to help.

My goals for November are pretty straightforward. Walk and write. Two things I love to do and both make me feel better about myself and about the future. I moved my treadmill in front of the TV so now in the afternoons I can watch Oprah and walk, the ultimate in multitasking. I'm also going to decorate this month and make my apartment a glittering tomb to the holidays. They're coming whether I like it or not, so I figure I might as well put sparkly lights on everything and enjoy. Every day is what you make it.

- - -

November centerfold model Frankie.

Posted by laurie at 10:57 AM

October 27, 2010

The things she carried

This is a picture of my grandma with Uncle Arnie. It's Christmas, surely those sweaters can only be worn at Christmas. It was probably a moment captured on film somewhere in the late 1990s, at least 15 years ago or so. Grandma is raising her glass in a "prost!"

That painting hanging above Grandma's loveseat is now hanging here in my Los Angeles apartment. She gave it to me yesterday and best of all gave me the story of it. The story of how Grandpa had done some work with a few Japanese businessmen and became friends with them (Grandpa was a man who became your lifelong friend if you met him even once, he was that lovely) and at the end of the job they'd gifted him this beautiful painting of 1st Street in downtown Los Angeles.

How it came to be living in my Studio City apartment is still skewered up in anxiety and sadness inside me. Yesterday in the morning I got into my Jeep for a ride down to Orange County to visit the fam. My parents have been staying with Grandma as they tried to transition her back home, and now her house has sold and she's going to live full-time in the nursing home and all her things, her lifetime of things, all with a story and a memory are still in her home and before she leaves she wants to be sure they find good, loving homes.

I've never lied to any of you about my relationship with stuff, and how much I struggle with my emotional attachments to things. And that's just my struggle, my own private crazy. So add in the emotional weight of Grandma leaving her home for good and seeing her truest desire, which is that her beloved, treasured mementos of her life find good homes. Then add me and stir.

Midday my parents left for a few hours and while I was alone with Grandma she asked me to take some things, more things, and I cried. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I felt this big sea change coming and all of it just leaked out of my eyes. But she was good with me, she always is. She didn't well up with tears, just handed me a napkin and asked about me taking the painting, told me how Grandpa came to have it, told me the story of it.

I find this place -- this stage of life -- almost unbearable. I know my parents need my help and I am a reluctant helper, a reluctant participant. I don't handle change well, I want there to always be a Grandma House, I am someone who had no physical roots at all (moving once, twice, sometimes four times a a year when I was a little girl) and so when I see stability I want it to be frozen in time, encased in concrete and remain there forever, for me, because I need it.

But it isn't about me, it's about Grandma and what's best and safest for her. So her home has been sold and things are boxed up and soon my parents will be back on the road and even when I type those words I feel the tears start and my vision get cloudy and I think it was good planning to put a box of kleenex on my desk tonight before I sat down to type.

Grandma and I spent most of the afternoon together, alone, and I got to hear more stories about her and Grandpa (these are my favorites) and we talked about my Mr. X and how she had liked him and he made her laugh, and I agreed I had liked him, too, back then and he made me laugh as well. And how lucky it was I got married to someone who made us both laugh even if it only lasted so long. And we talked about dancing (she loved dancing) and all the plans she and Grandpa still had when he passed away unexpectedly. I realized talking to Grandma yesterday that I have no animosity in my heart for my Mr X. and hope he is well and happy. And Grandma never makes me feel bad for liking my freedom, so there's no pressure. She's a really good Grandma.

I hate this feeling, though, of missing someone yet they're still here. I miss Grandma but she isn't gone. I can't explain it.

Things I love about Grandma:
• She speaks Spanish with wild abandon, and no concern if she's saying anything correctly
• She has always appreciated people who work their way up and make something of themselves. You know, some people are threatened by success but Grandma has always been self-composed enough to know all lights are prettier when they shine brightest. She loves when others shine bright.
• She never once treated me as anything but her truest (and only!) granddaughter, even though I'm her step-granddaughter, technically. I honestly believe she has never said the word "step-granddaughter."
• She taught me how to open a bottle of champagne correctly. I was seven. It was a good life lesson.
• She makes the world's best macaroni and cheese.
• She is always happy to see me.

Yesterday I spent a few hours sitting on the freeway on my ride back up to the Valley and I thought a lot about Grandma, and my parents, and how in some ways they are both leaving me. Because I am five, and that's how I feel things, like they are all leaving me. I don't handle these grown-up conversations about death and dying and funereal wishes well at all, I walk away or tune out or go off and antagonize the dog.

But my parents will soon be moving on, out of California and back to the road, and Grandma will be in the nursing home. The timing of my job ending and my parents arriving fit together so well that I couldn't imagine what a brace it would be. Now of course they're leaving and again it's me alone at the holidays. Yes, of course there are a thousand ways to volunteer and blah blah blah and all that and still at the end of the day you go home alone and it's Christmas Eve. (People who give unsolicited advice about solo holidays haven't done it much, I find.) (In other words, more plainly said, I appreciate that you have lots of thoughts on how I should spend my holidays but that's about you and not me, and I'm not asking.) (I shouldn't have to add that disclaimer, but there it is nonetheless.)

Anyway, I rather like the comfort of knowing I am not alone in feeling blue and empty on a holiday. Why always try so hard to make a blue thing change colors?

And the talk in the house is maudlin to the extreme. They talk about cremation and I walk away. They need a home for the painting and I promise just to keep it for now, until she needs it again.

"Grandma, I will take it for you and give it a good home until you want it back again..." I tell her.

"But I'm not ever going to need it again," she says.

I'm not well-suited to handling ends. I am the person you most want on your side when you need travel advice or you need a bio written in three seconds flat or if there is a huge natural disaster and you need food, water and shelter. I have water, human food and cat food, bubble-wrapped wine, battery-operated lights, crank chargers for cellphones, even a weather-band radio. I am so incredibly prepared for living, but I am ill-equipped for dying.

I wish all this were easier.

Me, Grandma, my mom around 1979.

Posted by laurie at 12:28 AM

October 26, 2010

Brain malfunction

Honestly, I would have sworn good money that our book chat was slated for Monday (yesterday) but when I looked back at my own writing here on this website I clearly said it would be on Friday the 29th. What has happened in my brain? Anyway, many apologies to those of you who thought that the lead bozo set the date for Friday and then showed up on a Monday. Whoops. So perhaps this Friday I'll do a book giveaway in atonement -- knitting books, of course! Book giveaways are just as fun, yes?

Thanks to everyone who chatted yesterday about A Moveable Feast. Our November book is Olive Kitteridge, which I haven't read either so we'll all be surprised. That chat will be on Monday, November 29th. I swear, really I do.

Our winner this month was Anita who wrote:

I absolutely loved this book - I thought the writing was easy to follow and his descriptions so pure that you could lose yourself in Paris (if you would let yourself). My very favorite part was his conversation with Gertrude Stein (pompous?...just a little?)is a segment where she discusses the disgusting life of gay men - but of course gay women are perfectly happy and suited to that lifestyle. I was stunned - then I giggled. Yeow - in 2010 Gertrude, that attitude just wouldn't cut it! Also, she told Hemingway he wasn't good enough to be published in the Atlantic Monthly or the Saturday evening post - her goals. She kept saying his writing was "inaccrochable." What a laugh!

I wanted to mention for those of you who read this book and were concerned for Hadley, his wife, there's a great little piece in Julia Child's memoir My Life in France that describes her impressions of Hadley and also talks about Bumby's wedding. It's another delicious, amazing book about Paris if you're in the mood for more. And of course Julia talks all about the food!

Now here's some pensive, brooding Bob with his little head on his little paws, surely wondering why Hemingway's cats got to be so famous when he is just as litter-ary:

Posted by laurie at 9:50 AM

October 25, 2010

A Moveable Feast

October's read was A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway. I preferred that version to the updated, revised edition, though I bought it as well to compare. (There is also a Kindle version if you decide you want to download it today after reading about it.)

I love this book, it contains what I think is the best last sentence of any book:

But this is how Paris was in the early days when we were very poor and very happy.

My main quibble with the "restored" edition is that it no longer ends with that beautiful sentence. Though that edition does have some additional detail about Scott Fitzgerald. The whole section on the Fitzgeralds was really interesting to me, and after reading I searched online for all the biographical data I could find on Zelda. Mad as a hatter but truly a fascinating person.

But the main reason I love this book and picked it for October was that the location is a leading character in the book. Paris in the 1920s, so perfectly described, the wine they drank, the steaks they ate, the butter sauces and the bars where the poor, smelly drunks congregated became not just a backdrop but another point of the narrative.

The passages where he talks about writing were interesting to me in a way that didn't grab me the first time I read this book about a decade ago. On page 12 he says that when he doesn't know what to write he reminds himself:

"Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."

I think this is probably the best advice anyone could give a writer.

Heminway has always seemed larger than life to me, an icon, an adventurer. But even though I have read up on him, I didn't know until reading A Moveable Feast that he let the cat be his kid Bumby's babysitter. I'm about as crazy as cat ladies come and even I wouldn't do that. Well, maybe Roy could have been up to the task ...

So what did you think of A Moveable Feast? And which version did you read? Did you enjoy reading about Paris? Were you surprised to read about other famous writers through Hemingway's lens? Did you expect to hate this book? (I know there are some avowed Heminway avoiders out there, but to me this book is nothing like any of his fiction work.)

And later I'll pick one commenter out of the comments to win a surprise prize, yarn and books and a mixed CD I made and who knows what-all goodies may be inside. Oh! And a copy of next month's book -- Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout. And to weigh it all down I am including the big hardbook book Martha Stewart's Encyclopedia of Sewing and Fabric Crafts: Basic Techniques for Sewing, Applique, Embroidery, Quilting, Dyeing, and Printing, plus 150 Inspired Projects from A to Z. It's awesome and I wanted to keep it for myself but I got it as a promotional item and promised I would give it away to one of my readers. It weighs about ten tons, so you know it's packed with Martha-y goodness!

Finally, here's a Moveable Bob:

Posted by laurie at 7:29 AM

October 22, 2010

Jingle Dog

When my parents came up for a visit earlier in the week, they brought Wonder Dog and we all went to Petco, which is of course the dog's favorite store. He gets to sniff all the toys and bones and scents of dogs who have come before him.

Well, usually it's his favorite place. This time my mom spotted a little doggie decoration which she promptly bought and put on him so that he jingled and jangled and everyone who saw him laughed uncontrollably. Oh, the doggie indignity!

But so, so funny.

Posted by laurie at 9:36 AM

October 19, 2010

Catch-up Tuesday

Catching up on email...

Hello Crazy Aunt Purl, I have a problem I'm hoping you can help me with. I am not a great knitter but I do like to knit the odd teacup cosy or hat, however I am in the process of becoming vegan and vegans tend not to wear or use wool. Do you know of a non animal derived alternative that I could use instead please? Any advice would be most welcome! Many thanks and happy knitting, Lisa in the UK

Hello, Lisa! I can hear your accent as you type and it is charming. Why is it that an English accent makes everything sound posh? Even the word posh sounds posh and English.

As for your question, you can always go with good old cotton for a natural fiber, or bamboo (which I love) or silk or any of the new soy-derived yarns. And unless you suffer from acrylaphobia, there are plenty of beautiful and affordable acrylic yarns on the market that are excellent alternatives to wool. I myself am not acrylic-phobic but I know many knitters who suffer from this debilitating condition.

But -- and listen, I'm not vegan and I'm from the South so I was practically born at a barbecue -- I guess I'm not sure why vegans avoid wool. As I understand it, the woolgathering process just gives the sheep a haircut. Of course, my entire knowledge of sheep-shearing is taken entirely from The Thorn Birds. So again, consider the source. I understand avoiding leather if you're a vegan, but I don't really get the wool aversion.

Having said that, I firmly believe everyone should do what they want and not get pecked at by ducks. I, for example, avoid sushi and don't want to hear anything about it from anyone. So if you want to avoid wool, more power to you.

Happy knitting! Stay posh!

[Note: I have been corrected! Apparently you cannot use silk if you're vegan because it's from a worm. I just spent about twenty minutes reasoning to myself that if you can't use silk because it comes from worms then surely you can't use cotton because it grows from it dirt enriched with worm casings. And the pesticides used on plants kill bugs. Even organic farms use animal manure to fertilize, and they use pathogens to kill bugs, so can you eat plants? And I kept going, then my head hurt. When I read the comment that vegans aren't allowed to have honey -- which comes from insects -- my little mind melted.

Personally I adore wool, and while I love my animals like an insane person I also eat steak and I kill bugs with great vigor and determination, so I was probably not qualified to answer this question. But the Thorn Birds is a really great book. And an excellent mini-series.]

- - -

Hi! I've read your blog since the beginning and I love it! I have a
question: I'm starting the cheetos scarf and I noticed in your photos that the needle tips are very thin. One of my frustrations with knitting on large size needles is that the tips are so thick I can't get them into the stitch (I have tight knitting issues, too). Can you remember the needles you used on the cheetos scarf?
Thank you so much!
Rhonda in Alabama

Hi Rhonda in Alabama! I can hear your accent too and it is equally as charming. Those needles were a special find that I got here at a local yarn shop. For years and years there was no way to get them online but recently I found out the folks who make these needles (hand made!) have a website: http://www.uncleronnie-penmaker.com/

[Edited to add: I just checked out their site and realized they are no longer making needles. What is up with today? This column started out so well this morning. Well, maybe if you email them something will work out. What a bummer! Those are great needles! I have also heard that KnitPicks needles have pointier tips. Maybe other readers here can chime in and help.]

- - -

Here's a good one from reader Michele:

I'm still a relative beginner and not a good one mind you and I have a question. Does one knit direct from a hank as they would a skein or must you buy a winder contraption to make them into balls and if so, why the heck don't they make them that way in the first place? Okay that became multiple questions.

All very good questions! I have no idea about why the hank exists, though I am sure someone can comment here and let us all know, but I can tell you that knitting from a hank is an adventure into the mindsplittingly awful realm of uber-tangles.

You do need to wind up a hank into a ball or yarn cake before you knit with it. I have one of those winder/spinny things that makes yarn cakes but have never even used it. Seems I prefer to make my own yarn balls. Yarn balls! Hah.

I prefer to make a pretty little center-pull yarn ball, though just winding a hank into a regular old ball o' yarn will do. I have long wanted to make a photo tutorial here for creating a center-pull ball, making hanks into picturesque balls is one of my favorite TV time activities, but it's impossible to take pictures of your own hands while simultaneously making a center-pull ball. So, here is a video tutorial of the process on KnittingHelp.com. (Scroll down on that page to find it.) Hope that helps!

- - -

Finally, this is not yarn-related, but is about one of my favorite subjects -- travel!

I wanted to let you know I am taking a trip to Rome for my 40th birthday over Thanksgiving week and I have actually decided to go it alone. You inspired me! Three times in the past I went with a friend, and just don't really feel like it this time! I've loved reading your posts about your adventures and merits of solo travel.

I'm no stranger to work travel (in fact I'm Sales Road Warrior two nights a week.) I even lived in Europe for three years, but the "comments" from people about my solo trip are making me feel like a lunatic.

I've even started fibbing, saying "Well, I am actually meeting a friend from Italy," or "It's a work trip and I am just staying an extra day or two..." Jeez! What is up with that?
--M

I lied to people when I went to Rome for my first ever solo trip.

I didn't lie about meeting anyone there but I did lie about being scared. I pretended I was totally relaxed about it (inside I was churning about going alone!)

I also didn't tell many people about my trip. I shared the details of my solo vacation with maybe six people and I got furious at one of my friends who I told about the trip and swore her to secrecy... only later to find she told another few people on the side. I was so angry with her because I thought the fewer people who knew about my trip, the fewer people would comment and tell me things to increase my anxiety, nervousness and total terror about going to Italy alone. She just thought I was psychotic.

But traveling alone the first time -- real travel, not work travel -- can be truly scary! I firmly believe that this is one of those things in life we should NOT do by committee. That means don't ask a bazillion different people for their opinions on your solo travel status before you go. You're going anyway, right? No need to ask for committee opinions. And definitely don't share your trip details (before you go) with people who are Debbie Downers. You know these people. They are the ones who have a horror story or tragic ending to every. single. thing. Ever. They're not bad people. They just aren't the ones you want to chat with about your trip before you go. They will have you in fits. Share your travel details with them after your trip.

Do talk to other women who have traveled alone and loved it. Do prepare for your trip by reading a little on the destination beforehand and booking a safe hotel. Do take normal precautions like you would in any big city (in other words, don't wander around alone at night half-drunk and full of cash. Simple stuff.) Do trust that you are able to handle all the adventures of traveling alone. Then do go on your trip!

Next summer I turn 40 and I've been wondering if I'll go on a solo trip for that birthday. I don't know where I'll be in my life. I'm thrilled for you and your upcoming vacation to Italy. Rome is a beautiful, delicious, vibrant city. I loved it and I hope you do, too! Happy birthday!

- - -

Finally, the cutest Bobby socks:

Posted by laurie at 10:29 AM

October 13, 2010

Captivated

I have been completely awed by the mine rescue going on in Chile. I stayed up late last night watching them pull the first miners to safety and I was one of the many people sitting safe at home watching in complete happy astonishment. Leaking from the eyeballs.

I think it's amazing what good things humans are capable of.

Frankie says, "Me, too!"

Posted by laurie at 9:30 AM

October 12, 2010

You so crazy

In the September issue of Travel + Leisure magazine I found this page:

It's a little jaunty fashion layout with some items for fall and winter dressing. For when you travel, I assume. Anyway, notice the hat below:

Yes, that's a terrible picture, cropped from a picture I took of a magazine but anyway, it's a hat. A little brown knit hat. I have a better view of it here in the real magazine image, it's a ribbed brim hat with a stockinette body.

Now look at this price:

Yes. $280 for a wool hat. If you want me to pay $280 for a knit hat, it better be created from silky strands of angel hair gathered after a heavenly harp convention. And it would have to function as a cloak of invisibility when needed. And make my ass smaller. And come with a free massage.

Do people really pay $280 for a plain old brown wool knit hat? Because if so I have a LOT of hats to sell.

- - -

Speaking of hats, I have an error in my hat pattern so I haven't posted it yet. I figure that preemptively fixing the error prior to posting the written pattern will make everyone much happier. And I do aim to make happy this world of ours, the one where people buy $280 hats.

- - -

It's been hot here, really hot. This is the time of year when I start getting tired of the weather and want to teleport myself to somewhere cold and brisk. My friend is in Paris right now and I know she's having a wonderful time, because even a bad time in Paris is a wonderful time. I might vacation to Van Nuys, I hear they have an awesome DMV wait line.

Actually, I do have a vacation dilemma. Not a dilemma so much as a decision to make. Last winter (while still employed) I bought a ticket for a trip that I was supposed to take in June but for all sorts of reasons I needed to postpone the trip, so I rescheduled it for later this year. Eventually "later this year" is going to come around and I haven't decided if I will go on the trip or not. I'm not highly motivated to travel right now, at least not to the general destination of my plane ticket. And of course while the ticket is paid for, there is the expense of a hotel and all that vacationy stuff, plus a house sitter for the kitty posse. I haven't decided what to do. I find that I am ambivalent about it.

Ambivalence isn't uncomfortable, I don't mind not knowing what I plan to do. There are plenty of options. I could go on the trip and just stay very frugal. I could cancel the trip and get a voucher for the balance (minus a fee). I could re-do the ticket again to take me somewhere else altogether. I could stay home, enjoy Los Angeles and leave the traveling to 2011.

It's interesting to me that when I was working go-go-go I was desperate to travel and escape. And even then I did power trips, packing a whole European vacation into a weekend (something I still like the idea of but don't feel propelled into just now.) And now I'm content with the idea of going to the beach or going to the movie one afternoon.

Anyway, I haven't decided what I will do. But if I go anywhere I'll send you a postcard. And I will not be wearing some $280 hat. I mean really!

- - -

Finally, Bob. He likes to shop online:

Posted by laurie at 8:26 AM

October 8, 2010

Hot Dog, very amusing

The Halloween costume I got for the dog amused everyone (except perhaps the wearer of said costume).

Honestly if there is anything funnier than a pissed off Corgi wearing a hotdog suit, I do not know what it is.

Have a great weekend!

- - -
Edited to add that I got it at Target. Here is a link to the costume on amazon.

Posted by laurie at 9:50 AM

October 6, 2010

Rainy Day Q&A

Yes, it is raining today in Los Angeles! It's a perfect day. I woke up to the sound of Frankie whining about the Meow Mix situation, but after that little problem was rectified I got to lay in bed and listen to the rain pattering down on the sidewalks and rooftops.

There are days when I feel triple-decker-happy to be free from commuting into downtown and this is definitely one of those days. When it rains the freeways all become parking lots. Today I am happy at home in my pajamas and some Hemingway.

Reader Debby wrote in to ask which version of the book I'm reading for the book club:

Hi there, Laurie =-) I am wondering if the edition you are reading is the revised one Hemingway's grandson put out or the original, unrevised edition? I have the original in hand that I got from the library today and will probably read that, since most of the recent reviews I've read of the revised edition are not all that favorable, and the original is the one that all the many, many years of reviews have come from. I was just curious which one you are reading as it was hard to tell from the Amazon link whether that edition was the original or not. I'm looking forward to the discussion on the 29th. What a great idea this book talk thing is! Have a good weekend! Debby

Thanks for the note! I am reading the original version of A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway. If you click on the link above, that's even the exact cover that my copy has and the same version I bought for last month's chat winner.

However, while I was in the store I also picked up a copy of the revised version, which is called A Moveable Feast: The Restored Edition. I haven't read it through yet (I figured I should read both since some folks will have read this version) and the one thing I can say is that the ending, in my opinion, was perfect the way it was and shouldn't have been tinkered with. If you have the "restored" version the real ending of the book (to me) is on page 220. I believe everything after that should have been appended or clearly delineated as an addition, not stitched together as a new ending.

But I'm not a Hemingway scholar, just a fan of the original book's beautiful last line.

The version I'm reading.

No matter which one you choose, don't forget to chat with us about this book on Friday, October 29th!

- - -

November Book Selection
I know some folks aren't Hemingway fans or are busy or don't have time to get through a book in three weeks, so I thought I would tell everyone in advance about November's book club pick:

Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

I have not read this novel so I'll be experiencing it for the first time with you but I've heard it's really a good read. I have read Elizabeth Strout's novel Amy and Isabelle, and it's one of my favorite books. I'm looking forward to reading Olive Kitteridge and we'll chat about it on November 30th. I figure that gives people plenty of time to recover from the Thanksgiving turkey hangovers.

- - -

Beverly asked:

Who IS that woman at the top of your blogsite, if I may ask? I don't
think it's you, is it? Just curious. I really enjoy your postings.

That is not me, although I do think she is rockin' a swanky getup. That is a model from a vintage Bernat knitwear catalog. The pictures in some of those vintage pattern books are HEE-larious. I liked her look and her many poses in a sweater.

I also get about one email a week informing me to update the wording in my header but I kind of like it, even though it's no longer exactly perfectly descriptive of this exact day in my life it still makes me laugh and I am a nostalgic, maudlin person by nature. I guess part of me still wants Roy back, he was cat #4. Or cat #1 depending on your way of looking at it.

Eventually I do want to figure out how to get a leaderboard ad in the header without it looking like an adfest but for now, for today, it is what it is.

- - -

Carol asks:

I am writing from Ottawa, Canada. Just wondering if you have any advice for me. I own two cats and just recently one of them is not using his litter box. Has that ever happened you? What did you do. Also I know that you don't use harsh chemicals, what do you use to get rid of the urine smell? Thanks if you can help me out! Carol

Hi Carol!
I have indeed experienced this issue, the Queen Sobakowa had some rather challenging litterbox issues on and off for almost two years of her kittenhood.

The first thing anyone will tell you about litterbox challenges is that you should have the cat checked by a vet. Sometimes infection can be the cause of potty troubles.

I can tell you what worked in my house, though every cat is different!

Soba did not have health issues, she was just being Picky and Regal and needed the litterbox to smell like rainbows and unicorns. if not, she would find alternate places to go. Here's what worked for me:

• The first thing I did was to get rid of the Booda Dome I had been using as a box. The shape and size was not working for our house.

• In fact, I got rid of the enclosed box concept altogether. I have heard from more readers who say doing this one thing alone has eliminated litterbox issues! Here at Chez Poopsalot we have three open litterboxes with plenty of room for lots of cat sand and no cover over them.

• I switched to Dr. Elsey's Precious Cat ''Cat Attract'' Cat Litter which solved the primary problem of getting Soba back into the habit of choosing the litterbox first.

• To get rid of the out-of-box "accidents" I used Nature's Miracle Stain and Odor Remover. There is also a Dr. Elsey's Urine Removal treatment which I hear is great. After you very thoroughly clean the area you may need to cover it with tin foil. Sounds weird but cats hate foil and won't walk on it. If your cat has one spot he just loves, this may be your best bet for re-training him away from it.

• Finally, and most importantly, you must keep the box clean, clean, clean. I scoop twice a day (once in the morning, once in the evening) and change the litter anytime it gets a little ripe. I wouldn't want to do my business in a stinky box and neither do they.

Hope this helps. Knock on wood, but we haven't had any accidents here since making these changes several years ago.

- - -

Nancy writes:

I just finished a hat that I made for my 6 month old granddaughter and even though I measured, it is way too big around. Is there some way to fix it without tearing it all out? Please help!

Ah, the mushrooming hat, it happens to the best of us. Luckily in your situation your recipient will grow into it! So you have the best possible scenario.

There are other ways to fix a too-large hat but they have varying results. You could felt it if it's wool, or try your hand at sewing in some pin tucks and try to make them look decorative, or undo the whole thing and cast on fewer stitches.

But since this is a baby and their heads do grow I'd just say you did it this way on purpose, because you heard it was supposed to be a long winter and the kid will need it in February.

- - -

Speaking of hats, I do plan to post the newest hat patterns this week. With company in town and then my Grandma getting out of the hospital it's been a little busy here and my knitting/TV time has been sorely neglected. I'm going to finish the beanie tonight while catching up on my Tivo and watching the cats jockey for position in front of the fireplace:

Soba wins.

Have a good day!

Posted by laurie at 7:40 AM

October 5, 2010

And the CIA still has not gotten back to me.

I wrote an email to the CIA. They haven't bothered to write back.

Well, it was the right thing to do, since surely they were already monitoring my phone calls and emails. I'm writing this silly little novel and my trashy heroine has a brush with the CIA. And I want it to be as factual as possible. Except... have you ever Googled the org chart for the Covert Ops? No can do. I imagine as soon as I typed the search words in the box some light went off in a basement in Langley and men in dark suits began listening to my phone calls.

Hopefully one of them is cute.

I am sure they were dulled to death when me and Drew spent two hours on the phone discussing everything from his new dishwasher to my deep desire to become skinny and wear pleather. Or when I waxed rhapsodic about the new fall TV lineup.

The phone conversations with me and my mom where we talk about the dog's newest chew toy and the tamale situation are surely government wiretapping dollars well spent.

All I wanted was a little info on some of the Agency colloquialisms. I went through the right channels, emailing their entertainment liaison and even refraining from signing my email with "xxoo, laurie." Apparently I didn't rate high enough for a response. Don't blame me when my trashy fiction book features undercover agents in pleather who knit.

I know you're reading, Very Important CIA Employee. Hit me back with an email. I have booze and yarn. Will trade for lingo. xoxo laurie

Posted by laurie at 10:30 PM

October 1, 2010

New month (end-of-September check in)

Sitting down to write an end-of-September check in means the obvious, that it is October already and soon we'll blink and 2010 will be over. I need one of those cryogenic chambers to sleep in so the passage of time seems less fraught with droop.

September was an improvement over August, which I suppose is apparent since I'm not hiding from my update and waiting until half the month has gone by, dashing off a one-liner on a Sunday night.

I had three big lightbulbs go off in September. I'm not sure how exactly they fit into my get happy/get healthy goals for 2010 but all three seemed important enough that I wanted to take note.

Significant Realization Numero Uno
Life moves in waves, with troughs and crests and the spaces in between. Peaks and valleys for the landlocked. Not every day will be a peak day and not every day will be a valley, most of the time I'm on the way up or on the way down or somewhere in all of that. Of course different people have higher highs and lower lows but in general no one person stays in exact balance and evenness and harmony every single day.

So I had a valley this summer. I was telling Drew about it one day on the phone and he said, "Yes, the valleys. I just wish that when I'm in a valley I could see it's only a valley, only temporary."

Exactly! I need to remind myself to have faith, that things improve and change and rise and fall and it's all natural. I'm not very accepting of my low points, I tend to judge them harshly and find myself lacking on every level. But if I could see that it's only temporary -- especially when it's happening -- I think I would roll with it a little more.

Significant Realization Two
It's a process. I'm not the sort of person who indulges in hokey feel-good stuff like "it's a process." Or at least I didn't used to think that way, but I get it now. It makes sense.

Changing your whole lifestyle in a single day is one thing, but adapting to that change is a process. Losing weight is a process. Writing a novel is a process. Learning new software is a process.

Instead of berating myself for not being THERE, done, finished, accomplished, I am looking at it all with a wider lens. Or at least I am trying to, it's a big change for me. I am the sort of person who wants to wake up and be THERE already! But it's a process. And when I get there, God only knows I will already have moved on from the goal and have a new THERE to be at, pronto.

So, wide lens. Embrace the process.

Significant Realization Three
Honestly, I'm not sure how this fits into anything, but this idea surprised me. And I'm the one who thought of it! It's about stuff.

When I was working full-time and commuting hours a day and trying to squeeze in writing in between, my relationship with my stuff was very stressful. I knew I had a lot of stuff, but I didn't want to let any of it go. I worked hard, you know. And so sometimes I added to my stuff.

I justified it by saying, "I work hard, I'm never home, I don't have a social life... so I deserve this purse/yarn/trip to Timbuktu/pair of expensive shoes that look exactly like two other pairs I already own because I work hard."

It took a while of being at home -- being near all my stuff all day long -- to realize I had been holding on so tightly all that time because I was just visiting my stuff on nights and weekends.

I would buy picture frames but never have time to fill them or hang them. I bought yarn I never had time to use. I bought books I never had time to read. I bought party shoes I didn't wear because I was too tired to party. But I justified it by telling myself I deserved it for working so hard. I deserved to have and to hold my stuff.

Now I'm with my stuff all the time and I still like it but I don't have this whole crazy lady thing happening with it. I am de-stashing books and yarn, putting them aside to give away here online or to send to friends. I haven't bought anything except food and wine and consumables for months (and a Halloween costume for my mom and dad's dog of course) and I don't feel deprived or poor, even though money is not pouring in. I'm listening to the music I bought but never had time for, reading the unread books I've owned for years, making my Christmas presents with the beautiful yarn in my stash. I'm finally cooking that great roast I had in the freezer and hanging pictures. You see where I'm going with this.

It's a trade off. I definitely don't have as much money but I have time and space and I can sleep. And now that I have full-time custody of my stuff, not just visitation, I'm OK with letting a little bit of it go.

- - -

So I'm not sure what all this means for October and for the remaining three months of 2010, a year I knew would somehow change my life forever. I still don't know if it's good change or horrifying ruin-my-credit change, but at least I am changing. I have decided to think that's a good thing, since I don't know what will end up happening either way.

The stress and anxiety I still have about the vast unknowns of my future are softened around the edges. It helps that I finally have time to sleep, that I am finally writing a fiction book (!!) and it has a sequel (!!) and that I may or may not have named the most abhorrent character in the story after my old boss. Like a tribute, yes? Or an effigy. Tomato, tomahto!

Last week I had lunch with a friend and she turned to me in the middle of the conversation and said, "I don't know how to say this without it sounding odd so I'm just going to say it. Everything about you seems happier. When you talk about your book, your day, your sandwich, you just seem like a different person. So much happier."

I'll take it.

Posted by laurie at 1:52 PM

September 28, 2010

Yesterday's winner, next month's book club and the hottest day of our lives.

Thank you to all who participated in our book chat yesterday! I thought the conversation about Winter's Bone was illuminating and I was glad to see there were opinions all over the place, it kept the ideas burbling along. It was interesting to see how much the book drew out each person's private feelings about violence and drugs and parenting and even skirt wearing.

It also reminds me that it's healthy and normal and natural for a book to be loved and hated and everything in between, that no one book will light a fire inside every person. (I say this more as a writer than a reader.) It's a very good thing to keep in mind, it's reassuring.

The randomly-selected winner of our chat yesterday was reader Judy, who will be happy to know the random number picker does not care if you liked the book, only that you read it! Judy wrote:

Sorry sorry sorry! I know this is not going to make me the winner of the great prizes, but so be it. I hated this book. I'm not a book hating person I really love books. When I got to the end all I could think was "that's it? That's all there is?" I like the end of a novel to be neat and tidy, not like this. I really like reading and truthfully at the end, wished I used my time reading something else. But the silver lining is that I read something I probably would not have picked up anyway. I tried really hard to be open to this book and stuck with it to the bitter (for me) end. So using that line of reasoning I'm proud that I stayed with it. Not something that's easy for me, especially when I lose interest. Unfinished knitting projects anyone?

You had me laughing at the last line! Congratulations on your win, and as soon as it is no longer 500 degrees outside I plan to drive to the bookshop on the corner and include in your prize a copy of next month's Book Club selection, too, which is A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway.

But before we move on from Winter's Bone, I wanted to share this quote with you from reader Dawnie:

I loved the descriptive language used in the book it really painted a picture of the bleak, cold, raw, days. The setting matched the tone of the story, bleak, cold lives eaked out amongst drug use and violence. It was just a way of life that they all understood but no outsider ever would. Funny thing is I didn't feel sorry for Ree, she new what her life was all about and carried on in spite of it all.

Yes, I felt the same way about Ree and about the rawness and chill of the language. I thank you all again for reading with me, I knew that book was a bit of a risk to recommend. Thanks for going with me on it.

I love this idea of having a book club without having to leave the house. Introverts of the world unite!

- - -

So, October's Book Club selection is A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway.

I am reading the exact version I linked to above, there is also a Kindle Version here.

The publisher's description of this book says:

Published posthumously in 1964, A Moveable Feast remains one of Ernest Hemingway's most beloved works. It is his classic memoir of Paris in the 1920s, filled with irreverent portraits of other expatriate luminaries such as F. Scott Fitzgerald and Gertrude Stein; tender memories of his first wife, Hadley; and insightful recollections of his own early experiments with his craft. It is a literary feast, brilliantly evoking the exuberant mood of Paris after World War I and the youthful spirit, unbridled creativity, and unquenchable enthusiasm that Hemingway himself epitomized.

If you haven't read Hemingway or didn't like his fiction novels, you may be pleasantly surprised by this book. At just around 200 pages it's a fairly quick read and surprisingly full of amusing gossip about some literary greats. The whole section on F. Scott Fitzgerald and his wife Zelda is fascinating. I haven't read this book in well over a decade, but I can tell you it has what I think is the best final sentence of any book I have ever read.

Let's meet back here (same bat time, same bat place) on Friday, October 29th to chat about it. And we'll keep doing the prize drawing again until I run out of money or yarn.

- - -

Finally, according to the wisdom and wit of Dallas Raines, "We made history here in Los Angeles" yesterday with our record-breaking melt-your-boobs-off heatwave:

Summer came late, all in one week and baked our noodles.

Posted by laurie at 3:02 PM

September 27, 2010

Winter's Bone Book Chat

Today's book club chitchat is Winter's Bone, by Daniel Woodrell.

Usually I loathe books with colloquial dialogue. In my prejudiced and irritable opinion, I think colloquialisms are most often used to paint Southern characters and I hate it, Southerners don't talk that way. I'm extremely defensive on this point because although I took years of voice and diction classes to get rid of my twang, I am still country and can still speak Southern. But we don't talk like most authors portray us. You'd be surprised.

So all of that is to explain that I am not disposed to liking books with slang and colloquialisms, and this one is full of them. I bought Winter's Bone on the recommendation of one of the folks at the Mystery Bookstore in Santa Monica a few years back and it sat on my shelf until June when I found myself in need of a good read. I almost put it down after a few pages of slangy regional dialogue but I'm glad I kept reading -- since first reading this book I have recommended or given it out to everyone I know. I LOVE THIS BOOK. I want everyone I know to read this book.

What almost put me off this book happens right on page 5:

"I'm cold," he said. He rubbed his smarting ear. "Is grits all we got?"

"Butter 'em more. There's still a tat of butter."

I never heard anyone have a "tat" of butter.

Luckily I kept reading. This book made me think about my personal ideas of regional dialogue, too. For example, I'd guess not many Missouri Ozark schoolchildren grow up saying Laissez les bons temps rouler. But that was the phrase splashed across the cover of my 8th grade yearbook. Cajun is one thing, Southern is another, and perhaps Ozark is a different world. Maybe I am not as knowledgeable of Ozark lingo as I imagine. It took me down a needed peg.

Once I backed off the slang thing I saw the genuine love this writer has for his characters. That speaks to me in any dialect. I can't help falling for a writer who feels true affection and empathy for his characters. Woodrell's care for his characters made me feel like I knew them, grew up with them, lived next door to them.

Ree felt very alive to me. Young women carry the burden sometimes in families, it's not unusual to be the full-time babysitter when you're 10 or 11 or 12. And I know this book is cast as a mystery but it's also a character study. Ree is a new American girl, sturdy and determined and not above taking a joint when offered. Doing what has to be done the best you can. All you can do is your best.

I could not put this book down! The moment it ended I wanted to read it again but I had loaned it out -- so I saw the movie version in an art-house theater in the Valley. Usually a movie version of a book I love just lets me down but this one was true to the feeling of the novel, especially the scene where Uncle Teardrop and Ree met up with the policeman.

Ree slid her fingers toward the shotgun, thinking, This was how sudden things happened that haunted forever.

I loved this book because I understand that girl, the one who will do anything it takes to keep it together. By the end of the book I couldn't even see the colloquialisms anymore, the whole countryside had been painted so clearly that I was right there in the mud, in the cold, in the damp. The story stayed with me long after I put the book down.

It also has what I think is a perfect ending. To me, the best ending solves the central mystery but leaves enough of the story open-ended so that the characters can live on in your imagination after the book ends. In Winter's Bone you learn the fate of Ree's father, though not so tidy that you have it all wrapped with a bow (I liked that Teardrop had a moment of recognition and didn't say who exactly he recognized). And the character of Ree lives on past the last page. To write a good book is one thing, to write a great ending is another. I was not disappointed. Were you?

So what did you think? (Hey, if you hated it I want to know. And why.) Did the language put you off or make you feel more drawn to the characters? Do you think Ree is realistic or unbelievable? Were you surprised that meth was so prominent in the storyline? Was it weird that the family was so clannish and closed-off? (My main critique of the story is that I thought the family barriers were odd an unrealistic, in the South at least we don't do things that way. Blood is blood. I can't imagine Ozark families being that much different but perhaps they are.)

What did you think of the relationship between Ree and Uncle Teardrop? Ree and Gail? When Ree is back home after the beating, were you surprised how the family showed up, all with little prescription bottles? What about the scene in the woods with Ree and her mom? What did you think of the ending?

Good or bad or indifferent I am so excited to hear what you have to say. Let's chat!

OH! And one lucky commenter will be chosen at random to win an awesome little prize with some yarn from my stash (it's a funemployment prize!) plus a copy of Drew's new book Crochet It. Love It. Wear It!.

AND if all that werten't grand enough, the winner will also receive a FIFTY DOLLAR gift certificate to use at The Fiber Cooperative. Check out their website, thefibercooperative.com. It's a monthly curated online market with the goal of connecting indie fiber shops too small to do major advertising with avid knitters, spinners and fiber fans who are looking for the fresh, unique products that indie shops offer (without having to sort through millions of pages on etsy to find the gems that stand out). The Fiber Cooperative generously gifted our book club with this prize, so I hope you'll check out the site and think of them next time you make a yarn purchase!

Posted by laurie at 8:32 AM

September 22, 2010

hat & cat

My latest ribbed hat pattern will co