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February 25, 2011

Yesterday, when my troubles seemed so far away

1) I'm going to the courthouse and I'm gonna' get unmarried...

My stint in jury duty was supposed to take place this week at the Van Nuys Courthouse like a normal Valleyite. Valleyer? Valleykrie? Like, whatever! Totally!

I don't mind Van Nuys. Sure, I blame it for losing us Valleytos the critical 2002 vote on Valley secession (who had the bright idea to make Van Nuys the downtown of the Valley? It should be Sherman Oaks or Studio City ALL THE WAY, people!) but other than that I have only fond memories of the many good tacos I have had in Van Nuys and Van Nuys Adjacent. I find that tacos always taste better when they're in close proximity to a bail bonds shop and brother, you can find both in abundance in beautiful Van Nuys, California.

Much to my dismay and alarm my jury duty service was unceremoniously reassigned to Burbank. There are so many things about this decision that were against nature. For one thing the population/taco shop ratio in Burbank is just pitifully askew and not in favor of the carne asada. Also, the one and only time that I have ever been to the Burbank courthouse was on the day of my divorce hearing which was a very dark day indeed. There were expensive lawyers in short-sleeved dress shirts (oh, the humanity!), there were tears, there were recriminations, there was my angry self in so many pairs of spanx that the oxygen level in my brain dropped precipitously.

That was also the same day I tried to eat a whole lemon icebox pie by myself.

Lemon icebox pie was the pastry I chose for divorcing, as I thought it was appropriately sweet and sour. And I didn't take the pie to court, I left it at home to wait for me until my tearful return. It was not disappointed. My day in court did not go well. That evening I discovered that I could not in fact eat an entire pie on my own but it wasn't for lack of trying.

Oh, those were the days, when I was crazy and didn't mind who knew about it, like when I shook my tiny fist of rage at the bailiff. I was all, "Yeah! Well I'm going to call 1-800-SCREW-YOU but only replace SCREW with a stronger word that is less family friendly!" And the judge who wasn't even a real judge -- he was a commissioner, what the hell kind of lawyer did I hire again? -- said "You are going to be held in contempt!" and I shook my tiny fist of rage and was buoyed out of court on my spanx legs and the arms of my friends and I was taken home to be alone with the waiting pie.

I know with deep certainty that I'm not even close to the same wacky, unhinged version of myself I was on Divorce Court Day but still, just the thought of it kind of made me want a slice of lemon icebox pie. For old times sake.


2) American Idol took four hours of my life, minus all the time I fast-forwarded

Thank God for Tivo, the only way I can live to love American Idol. I tuned in this year on a day-by-day basis, since last year was an incontinent snooze my expectations were low.

What I have discovered so far is this: Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are kind of awesome. Goofy Southern Belle pageant party dresses from 1987 seem to be making a comeback. Hobbity looking men who play upright bass are kind of sexy. And Colton Dixon was robbed!

I like it. Oh the drama, the tears, the awkward let's-all-hold-hands scenes featuring three boys whose ages when added together equal my own.

3) They say it may snow, say it ain't so

Oh I don't know, some weird rumor is going around that it might snow somewhere. Dallas Raines said the snow levels will drop down to 1500 feet but since none of us living in this city can understand anything other than traffic math, we have no idea where that means the snow will fall.

Freeway distance x hour (rain to the fourth power) - weekends = snow?

A few years ago there were flurries in the Malibu Hills and that was exciting. It was still hot and sunny in the Valley, though, probably because I was still living in Reseda at the time where it stays 118 year round. I'm not worried about the impending weatherageddon, since the newscasters assure us all that everything should clear for The Big Day. The Big Day is coming!!!

4) The Big Day!!
Oscar Sunday is almost here. I have been training for it for months, watching all the best-picture nominees except one, which I have to go see today (Damn you, King's Speech! Making me sprint at the end!)

This is my SuperBowl. I'll be making little nibbly hors d'oeuvre bites and serving sparkling wine and there will be ballots and even a prize for best balloting. There will be fashion commentary and a pre-show and hopefully no snow to mar the red carpet.

Oh, and maybe a lemon icebox pie for dessert. Just for the symmetry of it all.

Posted by laurie at February 25, 2011 10:41 AM