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January 1, 2011

2011: Prime Year Resolutions

The resolutions I made for 2010 were kind of heavy duty so this year I'm lightening up and resolving the following:

• Lighten up!

• Write write write! I will write here on this diary and in my paper one and write books and my first screenplay and maybe I will even write you a letter. And haiku and limericks and everything in between! I will write because I love it and because it is so much easier than dating.

• I will try to say Hey, hey, hey in a Fat Albert voice!

• I will shake my maracas! I do not care if I am large as a country ham as long as I am able to bump and grind. And anyway, I already bought myself a new pair of tennis shoes.

• I will try out a CSA! It's like some kind of communist vegetable proletariat thing and I am all for it, because I think Vladimir Putin is sexy, which my Uncle Truman says makes me a Total Communist. I found a vegetable CSA that has a drop-off site near me and I signed up for a two-week trial run and I will let you know how it goes (see bullet #1, write a lot!) I've gotten pretty good with the cooking and I love vegetables and I support small farms and I worship at the altar of organic so this seems like a good idea.

• I will plant a miniature garden on my rooftop patio! Something small and inexpensive, probably just herbs and peppers and maybe a squash. Because I long to be the proletariat farmer, too! And Vladimir Putin will think this is sexy and ask me on a date, but I will be too busy writing! And waiting for Al Gore to call!

• In 2011 I will either sh*t or get off the pot! Metaphorically! (Also, probably realistically, too.)

• I'm going to try Zumba! Because I like the name, and because it sounds hilarious and because one day when I am famous and married to the leader of mother Russia and/or Al Gore I will probably not be allowed to Zumba in public!

• I'm going to go to the movies a lot and eat popcorn!

• And I picked a word for 2011, because I thought that was a neat idea and could still be a bullet point, so all things considered it's pure listy joy. My word for 2011 is POSSIBILITIES! I will be open to possibilities and have the guts to take them on.

- - -

In my vast wisdom and nosepicking from 2010, I have learned that the universe is mysterious and kind of slapstick. Thanks, Universe. Really appreciated that you sent me a Bill Lumbergh last year. HAVE YOU FILED YOUR TPS REPORTS, UNIVERSE? Also the Universe has a sense of humor because not two hours after I made my whole "Lighten up!" resolution to encompass the whole year my drunken next door neighbors had a party that went from loud revelry to crazyass shouting and police and people being pulled out on stretchers and when that even did not make them stop hollering I went to knock on the landlord's door at 3 a.m. (he was gone of course) and the horrible next door woman saw me and cornered me in her drunken, fuming haze. She was skeery. She was so mad at me. Because clearly I was in the wrong to desire sleep. So thanks Universe for testing me so soon in the new year to lighten up. Really appreciate that! (I failed that test but now the bar has been set low and I have nowhere to go but up. See me lightening up Universe? DO YOU SEE?)

I am glad the Universe has a sense of humor because that goes a long way toward explaining things that cannot exist unless the Creator was having a field day of hilarity, things like gonads and farts and slugs. Seriously. Someone was either drunk or laughing when the testicles got put on the outside.

Thank God I was born a female!

Anyway, those are my resolutions, plus I said TESTICLES and TPS REPORTS. Oh, the innernet, where there is no editor and words are free.

Hello, 2011! Hey, hey, hey! I will be making your acquaintance now. Also, I will be making many vegetable stews thanks to the communist gardening I have signed up for! May we all Zumba and be open to possibilities and get off the pot in a timely fashion!

Posted by laurie at January 1, 2011 9:47 PM