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December 22, 2010

Notes from Hollyweird

Last night the local evening news ran an entire segment about how to drive in our nasty, winter weather. Meaning rain.

A trusted source with the auto association gave us tips, like how we should use our windshield wipers and turn on our headlights and also, if the window begins to get fogged up, drivers can use the defroster or run the air conditioner.

I believe that says everything you need to know about my beloved city.

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I Twitter. Tweeter? Tweet? Twit?

I don't know how you follow me. I'm at http://twitter.com/#!/crazyauntpurl if that means anything. Mostly I drunk tweet. I admit it, no shame. Two glasses of red wine I'm I'm all "We are so maudlin because of the weather..." Also I talk about star sightings because that's my protein.

I read everything people twitter back at me because now I have it on my phone and I love my phone. If it were possible to overturn Prop 8 in California, I would marry my gay girlie phone. Of course then we'd probably divorce and I'd owe contract money. This is actually my main argument to fervently support gay marriage -- every human being should have the right to fall in love, get married and later writhe and suffer through 18 months of hideous, soul-sucking divorce. NO EXEMPTIONS. Equal rights for all people.

But about my phone. Back in the day you used to have to work at being smart. If you had a lot of trivia stored in your brain you attained a certain level of standing at parties. But now everyone has an iphone or similar and so anyone can be a know-it-all with the help of IMDB and wikipedia. It has freed me of know-it-allism and allowed me to pursue my hobbies of obsessive handwashing, knitting, reciting '80s rap song lyrics and making up songs about my cats. I LOVE THE INNERNET. Even though it is full of crazies.

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SPEAKING of crazy, did you see the episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills where the real Allison Dubois turns out not to be blonde, or sweet like Patricia Arquette, or sane, but is instead a hot pot of drunken madness? I have never loved television so much. Also, it was so not mean of Kyle to make Kim ride alone in a limo, since Kim lives out in Agoura or Westlake Village or something and that is really a traffic consideration. I am just saying, traffic trumps sisterhood. And even if it was retribution for Kim's way of, well, Kim's way, I still think a time out served in a limo is not really that painful. Especially if the limo has a stocked bar and is free from psychics.

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I cannot believe it is almost Christmas and I can't believe it is still RAINING and I can't believe 2010 is just about over and I can't believe I have yet to make a resolution because you know I love a list.

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YES, IT IS STILL RAINING. In Los Angeles. Our city hasn't experienced six consecutive days of non-sunny weather in my whole life of living here, that's fifteen years now. I had to go to Whole Foods yesterday even though it was raining because, seriously people. There was a lack of organic potatoes in Chez Catpants, and when it's gloomy and overcast I am a woman who needs a potato.

Anyway, at the store all I heard anyone talking about was the horrible, life-altering weather. You know, the rain.

"It's so hard," said one shopper on her cellphone. I was behind her in the soup aisle as she chatted. I love listening to people talking loudly on their phones at the grocery store. It's free entertainment.

"The rain is everywhere, even if you valet park you still have to be in it! And my yard is flooded. And the corner of Coldwater and Moorpark was like a scene out of that... remember that bad Kevin Costner movie? What was it? YES! Waterworld! Thank you! You know his agent once told my husband that he's cheap... like he bought his wife a used engagement ring or something."

Wasn't Waterworld about mailmen? My mailman almost had a nervous breakdown yesterday when I asked him how he was. It's a superficial question, folks. The answer is always, "Fine!" Here in LA we value the superficial. We believe deeply in it.

And you know it's bad because yesterday I asked the mailman how he was, "Hi! How are you today?" and he said, "POSTAL. THIS RAIN. IT HAS NOT STOPPED. I CALLED MY AGENT FOUR TIMES ABOUT A CALLBACK. IS IT THE RAIN? ARE YOU GETTING BAD RECEPTION?"

I touched him on the arm, which is something I never do. I don't touch people, because of my handwashing. I do hug inappropriately, but that seemed like an overzealous response, so I put a hand on his forearm.

I said, "Your agent will call. You have the look that is perfect for Modern Family." And he smiled at me like I gave him crack-covered chocolate or something.

"Thank you," he said. "My callback is for Mike & Molly. But I feel like I'm Modern Family material, too."

Send sun. We need our Vitamin D.


Posted by laurie at December 22, 2010 10:54 AM