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December 1, 2010

Next-to-last monthly recap

Yes, here it is, the almost-last monthly roundup and also the first day of the last month of this year. Yikesamighty. Is 2010 really almost over?

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November was the one I have been waiting for all year, the sort of month I think I had in mind when I first created this little resolution of mine to get happy and get healthy. Back in January OH SO LONG AGO I wasn't entirely sure what those goals really meant or how to measure them or what it entailed, realistically, to achieve such goals but November was when it finally all came together for me.

Hey, it only took me 11 months. Word up.

November was: perfect weather, feeling hopeful and content, listening to music, writing, cooking, walking in my neighborhood, not just every day but sometimes twice a day (I clocked just under 85 miles on my Nike + SportBand, which is crazypants.)

This whole year has been a rollercoaster, and not the cool, thrilling Magic Mountain sort of rollercoaster. It's been more like the scary, rickety rides you see at carnivals that spring up overnight in a parking lot in Reseda run by ex-cons and very short men with shaved heads.

I spent several months trying to power through it, which didn't work that well but I SMILED and STAYED POSITIVE BY GOD and EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT ONE DAY. In August I kind of split open majestically and then as the year closed in, all my pieces somehow managed to fit back together, this time even better than they were before. What I am telling you is that it is mysterious and goofy and illogical, but November was not just the best month I have had all year it was the best month I have had in years.

Nothing stupendous happened, I did not go on any dates with Al Gore or take any lush European vacations or get a fabulous haircut or even go to the movies. The source of my happiness didn't come from something I bought or ate or watched on TV. Something changed on the inside. It's been improving steadily these past few months but only recently do I wake up each day feeling good about living. It's not something you can buy or wear or show off (and I ought to know, I spent a lot of years trying to buy me some happiness.) It's not tangible. It didn't cost anything. I am as surprised as you are.

And I feel hopeful and optimistic but not in that vigilant wild-eyed way you get when you're about to fall over. It's more subtle. I think it's ironic and funny that it came to me this way. I've spent most of my adult life hoping I would finally be happy when conditions were right -- when I had enough money or lived in just the right place or had just the right amount of accomplishment. On paper, current conditions are not just right and still I wake up feeling better than I did the day before. Perhaps all that hooey about harmony coming from the inside out might be true. Who knew! What I can say for sure is that I've been away from the bank for five months now and I'm finally exhaling, sleeping, plugging in to my life. It's not perfect and that makes it all the more surprising.

So that was November. In November I just lived my new life and it was good. That's all I wanted. That's all any of us want, right? To have a good day and string several together for a good life.

And now it's December, the last month of this wacky year. Hopefully now I'm at that part of the ride where you step off and thank the good Lord that your rollercoaster didn't get stuck upside-down and you can leave the amusement park and go have a cocktail.

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December Goals: Just do more of the same. And finish the book.

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Posted by laurie at December 1, 2010 9:20 AM