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April 13, 2010

Hark! And the heavens parted and a Jeep came forth and there was traffic and all was good again!

I have never been so happy to be stuck in traffic. Behold the hood of my red Jeep which is now mobile again and functional and took me home with much blaring of the radio and excitement and honking and people blocking intersections:


Maybe the breaking has ended. In my defense, Your Honor, I bring you exhibit #48: The Final Apex Of Breakage! Perhaps! Maybe!

Yesterday morning in a span of ten minutes I managed to break not one but TWO hair dryers! AMAZING, PEOPLE! Do not invite me over to see your new fancy gadgets!

Yesterday I awoke at four a.m. as usual. Yes they make a "four" twice a day. I fed the cats, I scooped, I washed my hands, twice, I made coffee, I watched a little Garth Kemp, I turned on the remaining working computer, I wrote. Then as the 6 o'clock hour neared, I showered. Got out, toweled off, and at some point applied the special hair gunk mousse. It's so awesome and makes my field of split ends into a silky sheen when blow-dried. When not blow-dried, however, it cakes into a crust of geologic proportions. I got out my hair dryer which had worked just three days ago and plugged it in ... and nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. The silence of the lambdryers. This bell tolls for thee, unless thee has a dead hairdryer and nothing tolls.

I tried pushing and resetting all those buttons on the plug. I tried a new outlet. I pushed more buttons. Tried a power strip. Tried a power strip with surge protection. NOTHING. I knew before I even started. This hair fluffing machine had fallen prone to breakitis and you know what, expletive expletive! Expletive!

I hauled it downstairs and threw it in the trash. But I was wimpy with my toss and it just lightly sat atop last night's garbage. So I retrieved it from my own trash can and re-chucked it -- this time with FERVOR! It made a satisfying clunk and crumble. Plastic actually broke off! Behold the powers of me, breaking broken things!

I returned upstairs where I knew somewhere in the depths of my bathroom there was a travel hair dryer. Expletive you, Karma. I am a hermit, a recluse and a hoarder. I have a BACKUP.

After pulling out the cleaning supplies and backup backup moisturizer and Q-tips from the bathroom cabinet, I found it! The travel hairdryer! It even had the two-pronged Euro plug converter attached from its last trip abroad. The only catch was the hairdryer's little indicator dealy-thingy, the dial you turn from Euro 220 voltage to American 110 voltage. It looks like a flathead screw but it's plastic. I tromped back downstairs and found a flathead screwdriver, tromped back upstairs and totally counted this as a day of exercise on my calendar, and started to change the voltage dial.

Which was made of plastic.

Which crumbled and stripped and got stuck somewhere between voltages. And rendered the machine both useless and dangerous.

It should not surprise you that by this time my hair had hardened into a moussed version of a motorcycle helmet. I took the broken backup hairdryer to the trash and discarded it with the power of a woman coming unglued, a woman on the edge, a woman you'd expect to be painting on eyebrows and wearing something shiny while swigging gin at noon. Things have BROKEN. In the span of ten days I have managed to have my vacation plans upended, my computer break, my backup hard drive die, my car expel metal from its undercarriage, my cat produce a hairball that looks like chewbacca, my apartment need emergency re-piping, my job of seven years got suddenly and without warning changed, I got a new boss, and all my hair dryers have freaked the hell out. It has been very exciting here in Chez Panties Up Your Butt.

Then yesterday I got the call about my Jeep. It's not only fixed, it purrs like a kitten. It smells good -- they threw in a free car wash, which is only free if you ignore all the zeroes on the bill, which I did. The motor practically hums! By midday I learned the magic IT man somehow extracted my files and saved my data. It was expensive but I was so happy about getting all my digital pictures back that I wanted to strip him naked and do Harlequin-Romance-esque paragraphs on him and yet I restrained myself. My vacation gone wonky was offset when I got a call from my house sitter who told me she had just moved CLOSER to me and was so excited to see the kitten posse and could she stop by soon?

And as for my hairdryers, who needs a hairdryer when you have a Jeep, a moving wind machine? Unzip the windows, let the wind in and shake it like your mama made it. Expletive expletive, really awesome expletive! I survived the Great Breakage of April 2010. Sure it's not even mid-April and Lord knows what breakage lies ahead but I have my Jeep back. I drove home with the windows out and it was cold at night so I blasted the heater and I sang like I do, which is sort of Bonnie Raitt being tortured over hot coals, and I knew I was MONEY, baby! Or out of MONEY! But still, has the word MONEY in it! I looked right at the guy stuck next to me in traffic and howled along with the radio at the top of my lungs, "Out on the road today I saw a deadhead sticker on a Cadillac, a little voice inside my head said don't look back, you can never look back..."

And you know what? My bubblehead bleached blonde 'do didn't move an inch because it was permanently moussed in place.

Posted by laurie at April 13, 2010 8:42 AM