Maybe your 5-pounds friend is looking for a little compliment like "no way, you look great, you always look great" because no one is stroking her ego? You could just do that, or you could go with "Just put down the fork! Just go for a walk!"

For some reason I was giggling as I typed that. Thanks for the laugh today.

I've had that happen to me. I suspect that skinny folk think I can understand and will commiserate because of my excess weight. (Sigh) I usually just say I haven't noticed any weight gain and try to change the subject - away from food or exercise.

Whee! Yay March! And yay on you for being able to recognize that you're making progress! That has to feel awesome!

I've been on both sides of the weight issue...I think more than anything else your friend just wanted some empathy. =) You don't have to agree or disagree with her...acknowledging her feelings is probably enough. You can even just mirror/repeat back to her what she said so she feels like she has been heard. (I don't know if you've read Nonviolent Communication, but it is an idea pulled almost straight from that book and it works (almost) without fail - it's awesome!)

Not sure about what to say to the weight-obsessed skinnies, but have a suggestion for the inner you:
I found this great little book called Fit from Within by Victoria Moran. I didn't even read the whole book, and I don't know if it was a coincidence or not, but I somehow found the willpower to lose the menopause weight that had been creeping up over 3-4 years. And it stuck with me somehow too- I don't always make the best choices, but I do more often than not these days, and without really putting much energy into it. I think it's worth a try!

I'm so glad to hear that your signing went well! Congratulations!!

Oh man, roasted vegetables. YUM. I am thinking that tonight may have to be a roasted carrots night, and the rest of dinner will get figured out later!

Side note: carrots, cut into nickles, boiled briefly until they're kinda soft (you know, that firm but soft carroty feeling) and then drained and dumped into a casserole dish and drizzled with honey and a leeetle bit of salt? SO GOOD.

Also: brussles sprouts, cut in half, half a cup to a cup (depending on how big your roasting pan is) of apple cider with a thin-sliced vidalia onion mixed in, covered and roasted. Delicious, and I don't even /like/ brussles sprouts!

I too struggle with weight and agree with everything you wrote. Then one day I was bagging on about the weight I've gained back, how crappy I was feeling and then I realized I should keep my mouth shut because I work with a woman who is a good 100 lbs heavier than I. I'm sure she was looking at me thinking "I'd love to be that size 18, what the hell is she complaining about".
That was a big reality check for me, and my goal is to eat healthier, walk more, and drink less. So I"m doing ok on the first two.... ;-)

I really wish I knew how to respond or react to those people. I don't and I cringe at those comments, too, because it really makes me wonder what they think about me and my size. I think I mostly ignore those comments and try to change the subject. I don't understand why they make a public issue of their weight when I am trying everything I can to make my size less noticeable.

I love your response to those people who make comments about how to lose weight or get healthier - I couldn't agree with you more that of course we know what to do and they are not the ones inside our heads dealing with whatever issue! If it were just that easy, we would all be thin and they wouldn't be worrying about that extra 5 pounds.

I am so happy for you that you are working towards your goals! To make a different choice, to react to something differently is a huge step!

Hi. Totally not about your post today - I just got your book from Amazon and I'm trying to sneak read at my desk - which is not at all sneaky cause I'm giggling like a lunatic! Love it! Thanks so much!

Thanks for being so "real" about what goes on in your life -- love your books and enjoy your blog. I think you are absolutely correct about the weight loss surgery -- the problem is in your head (at least in my case it most certainly is).

Thank you so much for this great post! As someone who has struggled with her weight for years, I am so happy to see you mention that the problem is "between the ears." I also know what I NEED to do to lose the weight and become healthier (and thus, happier), but I also do not do it.
Regarding your skinny friend complaining about her weight, let's hold her down and shove french fries and Twinkies down her throat! haha

It's all about "body image" & those skinny folks with 5 extra pounds are just as unhappy with themselves as those of us caring 40-something or more pounds. I think your approach to find the positive things in your day & work day-by-day to do healthy things is exactly the right thing. It's a much healthier way to live no matter what weight you have at any given day. I say - Carry on!!!

It's just a different body view--being thin doesn't mean we're in shape, doesn't mean we don't obsess, doesn't mean we don't look at America's next top model or the magazine covers and feel bad about ourselves.

Can she totally understand how you feel? No, but neither can you grasp her. Gaining five pounds is a huge amount for someone at her size (a full five-six percent body weight increase?) and she's probably concerned about becoming unhealthy. Hopefully you can help her focus on being healthy, rather than being a certain number on the scale.

That's why I don't own a scale. I'm one of those skinny girls who still worries about her appearance because the magazines like to make you have a poor self image, and people around me who like to insult "compliment" me because I'm thin. Going on and on about someone being thin can be just as insulting as going on and on about someone being fat.

If I may about skinny minnies complaining about weight? A lot of them have the same "between the ears" problem. Though it manifests differently for them. They obsess about food/weight/body image etc so they "see" any fluctuation away from their ideal of perfection it throws them for a loop. People who worry that much about their appearance (beyond being healthy) have much deeper issues than said love handles or what have you.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your approach. As usual loving your introspection, self inspection and honesty. You are AMAZING!

p.s. I used to be a skinny minny... hated it! Too skinny. was mocked for it. Now I am soft and loose and love my muffin top!

Your skinny friend obviously does not "see you" as fat. She has a perfect image of you in her head and she is ignoring the fact that it is probably awkward for you. On the other hand, being a relatively bone skinny person who has never said I'm getting fat to anyone, there are downsides to being thin. Being skin and bones all of my life for no reason of my own, I have heard "you look anorexic!" Men have said for me to "put some meat on my bones", and have made fun for lack of junk in the trunk. But I am just me, and hasn't anyone noticed that I have milkshakes once a week and am a total junk food freak? It's genetics. Fat or skinny people are going to have issues. Particularly women because we are always nitpicked about our looks because we are supposedly living in a superficial society where everything is supposed to be about how we look. How we deal with them is what is important. So I think you handled your friend well, and if she is really a friend, next time say - who do you really think you are talking to when you say that? Maybe she will realize the irony of the situation. If not, tell her she looks anorexic and walk away!

When my very thin friends complain about weight gain or binging, I try to remember that if your clothes are tight, you feel fat, regardless of your size. Some days I am better at remembering this than others.

I say, yes, the last 5 (or 10 or 15) pounds are very hard to lose because you are so close to your weight goal. Your body thinks it is done. That makes them feel heard and they are usually willing to change the subject.

Food scientists, or maybe I mean endocrinologists, are finding that our brains sabotage our weight loss efforts with dopamine. There is a readable article at: http://www.oprah.com/health/How-to-Change-Your-Bad-Habits/print/1 that has been very helpful to me in making changes and in self-forgiveness.

You may find with #1, #2 follows. I am still trying too.

I may adopt your suggestion of a walk every day - it sounds more positive than 'a daily walk'.

Re: the skinny friend who thinks she's fat. You don't want to make her feel worse and you shouldn't participate in the body-shaming either so this is difficult territory. I think changing the subject is the right approach. In fact, I would not participate in the weight conversation at all. I wouldn't tell her she's skinny or that I didn’t notice the five pounds. I would try to introduce a new topic immediately. If she insisted on talking about weight, I might say that I thought she looked good. No advice, no encouragement to lose weight, no telling her that she actually needed to gain weight: NOTHING about weight at all. Just, "You look good to me! My, what a lot of rain we're getting. Have you seen this wonderful thing I've knitted?"

Also, I think you're too hard on yourself earlier in the post: some bodies want to be fat. As long as you're taking care of yourself, I hope you can let go of the pressure to be thin--sounds like you're there--AND the pressure to think that it's your messed up thinking. It may just be your genetics. And, even if it’s not, think of how much energy it would take for you to be “thin”—is that really how you want to spend your time? I am very impressed that you’ve decoupled exercise and eating well from the weight loss goal. I’m trying to get there myself.

Good luck. :)

I think we should not worry about how we respond when thin people openly worry about 5-pound weight gains. I think, instead, we should LEARN from them. This is why thin people stay thin -- by getting concerned at 5 pounds over optimum and dealing with it then. She'll never get to the 100 lb overweight mark. She is a teacher. We need to listen to her.

I am reading a fabulous book.
The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. If you haven't already read it go and buy it on Amazon now! They have it at the library too but I know it's one of those books I'm glad I bought. I am finding it inspirational. Get Happy!(Heh heh, that sounds like Get Shorty.)

I'm also focusing on eating healthy...and trying to solve some health issuse....and not focus on the weight I gained last year. I probably fall in between the super thin and the terribly overweight, but I don't really care about anyone else...we've all got our own sh*t...and my issue is mine alone.

I figure if you're adding honey and cinnamon to yogurt, that you're eating plain yogurt...or greek. My new favorite thing is greek yogurt with some honey and if I have it some blueberry mucelli. I do want to share my other fab. breakfast with you. Unless you're celiac, then you couldn't eat this. I found out that you can make steel cut (irish) oats in a crock pot. I put the 8c of water and 2c. oats in the crockpot at 10pm when I head off to bed. It cooks on low all night and my breakfast is warm when I wake up. I will confess that I make this on a weekend and heat up the left overs during the week. I like it with a little cinnamon and almond milk. I know you heart your crock pot too...hope you like this.

For thinner friends who complain (although very few of my friends complain about weight), I believe their freak out over the weight issue is sincere and a real problem for them. However, after I listen to their complaints, I usually ask, "Okay, so what's your plan of action to deal with this problem? What have you thought about doing differently to perhaps prevent another problem like this in the future?" More often than not they haven't thought it all the way through and we end up discussing options. And they do appreciate that I view their problem as a real concern.

I'm going to agree with Metta in that thin doesn't equal in shape. I'm what fitness people and docs call "skinny-fat" where I look smaller and thinner in regular clothing, but in reality it's fat and not muscle. I'm also on the border line between sizes and since I'm trying not to spend money, every time my weight fluctuates, it can push me out of my jeans. Plus, being thin, I get alot of "do you have an eating disorder?" and the insulting "complements". Those make me so mad.

Oh and that stupid "REAL women have Curves" saying. No. REAL women come in ALL sizes. I get that they want people to feel good about themselves but MUST there be a need to insult those who aren't bigger? Sigh. But that's a rant for another day.

If it was me, I'd just want acknowledgment of my feelings, and perhaps (if she's not eating right) express concern that shes eating healthy more than trying to lose weight. I'm fine with my weight fluctuating as long as I know I'm healthy.

One of my best friends said to me "My cousin is HUGE now, she wears a size 14!" Since I was an 18 I was a little flabbergasted. I don't think I answered her, just turned away for a moment. Said friend is now my size and for some reason I find great mirth in that. Me bad!

Wow. Isn't it incredibly awful that we have to give so much thought to our weight? Our culture is really sick, imho. When I come up against skinnies complaining about weight gain I always say, you look good to me, but you know, you have to be comfortable with yourself. If you feel heavy you've got to do like the rest of us and try to lose it! What the h****, you know? It's not a contest about who has a greater right to feel bad about out weight. We're all victims! or not, as we choose.

Re: the skinny friend. I don't know--I have a hard time with people who don't really see anything beyond their own stuff. Five pounds when you (and me and a lot of others) need to lose more than that? Maybe she is a nice person, as you say, but I can't help but wonder. Her feelings matter to you. Shouldn't yours matter to her?

It's all about making healthier food decisions at my house this year, hubby found out he has high blood pressure at his last physical, so we want him to lose a few pounds, and me to lose QUITE A FEW. I followed your recipie for fish in papillote from last week OH SO GOOD!

Keep up the good work, Ms Crazypants ... you are an inspiration!

Love the blog! Long-time reader, first-time poster ...

I just want to provide some insight on the skinny folks who lament that they aren't.

In my head, I know I'm a small person. I wear single digit sizes, and often end up in the junior's department because real grown-up lady sizes are just too big.

But in the mirror, or when I look down at my thighs, that is just not what I see. I've managed to come to terms with the fact that my eyes are lying to me, and I work to build my self-esteem on aspects of my being that have nothing to do with my appearance.

Not all skinny-but-in-denial-of-it people are aware of how thin they really are, and this may be where your girlfriends are coming from. You are absolutely right that it has nothing to do with you. They also don't think that you are disgusting. Sadly, they are stuck in a place where they are the disgusting one, and it probably wouldn't matter how much weight they lost, they still won't love their bodies.

You handled it well, with a compliment that she looks great to you. She has a problem that she is too absorbed in to realize how she might be offensive to people with more substantial weight issues. In her head, she is in the same boat as you are.

Re: strange maladies... I don't know what you have, but I had to go gluten-free a year ago this month. I understand the whole "change-your-entire-way-of-eating-and-viewing-food craziness". I'm glad to hear that preparing ahead is working for you... And I have to say I took a page out of your "book", so to speak, and roasted some cauliflower last week and now I CANNOT get enough of the darn stuff. I'm addicted!

:) I'm a chunky monkey and when skinny girls complain to me about being fat I say "oh yes, i see, you're obviously obese" very seriously and they stop talking rubbish :)

Laurie - my husband is one of those "you know, you really need to eat less and move more......." After 3 major blow out fights, and almost walking out on him, I think he finally gets that it really is in my head and not something he can shame me into. (sounds really healthy when I "type" it out loud.... We're all simply WIPS. My WIP is different from his, and let me tell you he's got some serious UFO's.

Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on.
Caroline in Canada

I just have a compliment for you today. This, for me, is one amazing blog post. You said things that I was thinking and couldn't quite articulate, and you made me think about my own issues (as in weight, happiness, etc.) in a way that's just different enough to make me see stuff in a new light. Thank you.

I don't have any super suggestions. I usually resort to "You win! It's awful! How can you go out in public?!?" When they start to argue with me. And, I'm not particularly overweight, just not patient. I'm working on it.... ;)

Two thumbs up on your post today! I hope the health issues aren't serious. My daughter was diagnosed with Crohn's a year ago and it's presented some challenges to us with our diet and general health. Good luck :) Rooting for you and your success!

Hooboy are there lots of us out here in the interwebs who are SO sick and tired of hearing this new, magical cure for weight loss (eat less, exercise more). Strangely, my goals for this year ended up being really similar to your own, so I can relate to how hard they can be.
At the risk of being one of those unsolicited advice people, I am finding the new HealthyGirl.org to be really helpful. Makes you feel a little less alone, and a little more understood.
Good luck with everything!

Maybe skinny people with five extra pounds talk to you because you'll understand that weight is an issue.
I should diet, but there are too many cookies waiting for me. So the rest of what I eat will be healthier, and I'll go for more walks.
And lady! Comments! Yay! I love you!

It might make me obnoxious, but I usually tell all my friends, no matter how much they weigh, that I don't talk about weight and size because I think it's very self-destructive, and that we have way more important and interesting and fun things to talk about than pounds and calories. I've tried to put a lifetime ban on diet talk. It's hard, even for me, because we are so acculturated, as women, to obsess over our bodies, but I'm trying to do my part to change that dialogue, at least with my lady friends.

I would carry a scale with me and when she begins complaining I would stand on it, ask her to look at the weight and then have her stand on it and ask her if she notices any difference. If she doesn't or does and negates it, then she is probably suffering from body dismorphia or some other horrible weight psycho thingy. Tell her you have your own horrible weight psycho thingy and you just can't take on anymore psycho thingies so could you please talk about something else. Like your horrible scheduling psycho thingy or your horrible obsessive/compulsive psycho thingy or your ?

How about this ... when I see someone after a hiatus, they will often say "you look great! did you lose weight?" And here is what goes through my head: Do they remember me as being fat? Is the me of people's memories, a fat me? 'Cause my weight and size have been pretty consistent ... for, like, 20 years.

So I guess the question is, if you think someone looks great, can't you Just Say That, and then shut up? Does weight need to enter into it?

I have plenty of girlfriends who are heavier than me, and I can assure you I don't give a damn *except* in the case of one who is eating herself into an early grave. (And in her case it's overeating, nothing else.)

I think my friends are all beautiful in their own way, and the only reason their weight would concern me is for their health. And not because I'm a nanny by nature (SO NOT) but because I don't want to lose them early.

I heard a great comment the other day about the importance of cooking for weight management (I struggle with my waistline, too, though because I'm 6'3" and a dude it's less visible). I think it was Michael Pollan talking about it, who made the point that if you had to cook everything you eat, you'd change the proportions of when you eat things because some things are really easy and some things are hard to cook. His point was that you might still make french fries occasionally (lord knows I do) but given the mess you have to clean up when you're done...you wouldn't do it all the time.

Which is, of course, not to suggest that you ARE eating fries all the time. Hearing about you learning to cook has been awesome, too.

*removes foot from mouth*

howdy - great post today - thanks. i too struggle with two friends who are teeny tiny, and who also freak out with a 1-5 lb. weight gain. from the first friend, i have learned that she detests being called 'skinny' - she once told me that being called skinny is tantamount to calling someone who has some extra pounds, 'fat'. she much prefers the word 'thin'. okey-dokey.

the second friend bothers me to no end. she is going on 55, and has a 23 year old daughter who recently moved back in with her. they are both tall, blonde and thin. IMHO, said second friend is trying to recapture her youth through her daughter, and is constantly telling me how fat she is, compared to her daughter. (who the hell cares?) she eats v. well, excercises like a fiend, and still, constantly complains about her weight. she has the poorest body image of anyone i know - she wants to be rail thin in hopes of 'getting a man'. sicko! here she is, healthy and fit, looks great in her clothes, and is miserable. me? i could eat healthier, and stand to loose many pounds, and am also single, but i feel fine about the way i look nekkid - fat and all. i would like to loose my extra pounds for health reasons - but would never stoop to wanting to loose them because my body image is so warped that i would do it to 'get a man.' most days, i feel like slapping her silly - instead, i just try and ignore her, or change the subject, and you suggest. keep on keeping on girlfriend!

Ms. Laurie,

You are NOT "very large"! No offense for anyone out there in this category, seriously, but, in my opinion, "very large" is a term for the seriously, morbidly, obese. 500 - 600 pounds and heavier (and may God love them because it can't be easy for them!) The issue with weight may be the same, but you are a functional woman, and very pretty and lovely, and I wish you could see yourself the way we see you. Truly wonderful and NOT very large!!!

Haven't read the other responses, so I may be repeating (or contradicting) something here, but my take would be to approach your skinny friend with a "we're all in this together" attitude. You struggle with your weight, she struggles with hers. You want to lose weight; so does she. Yes, there's a very real difference between wanting to lose five pounds and wanting to lose 100 pounds, but it's also possible that -- to her -- those five pounds are as daunting as the 100 pounds are to you.

As you said earlier in your post (and I'm paraphrasing here) - we all have issues, and we all have different issues. You look at five pounds and think it's child's play - but, of course, there are people who look at 'eat less, exercise more,' and think /that's/ child's play.

Good luck with it, though - it's often hard not to compare ourselves to others and want to say "you think that's bad? Let me tell you about my problem . . .".

Oh, Laurie, you really hit a nerve with that 'skinny friend' thing. My best friend has never (even when she was pregnant!) weighed more than 130. I'd want to hate her if she wasn't such a good friend. It took me a lllooonnnggg time to realize that her weight complaints were just as valid as mine; they were just on a smaller proportion.

oh, Laurie, I hear you about your weight...it is a constant struggle for me also. Constant.struggle.
And I know it's about you and about your mind -- but you looked great at the book signing! The pink scarf was chic and cool and you looked adorable!

Something from left field......

Has anyone told you that Lindsey Vonn (the Olympic skier) looks like you? Or perhaps you look like her, but most every time I saw her on the tv for the past 2 weeks I said 'She looks like Laurie!'. I think it's the smile and the eyes.

Thank you for sharing such personal things about yourself. I also struggle with my weight and know that it will be a life time struggle--either needing to lose or trying to maintain. I am so glad you didn't make your goal to be "losing weight", getting healthy is sooooo much more important. I have tried every diet there is and yes they do work while I am devoted to living within their rules, but as soon as my life gets back to my regular every day living the weight will creep back on. My goal for the last two years has also been to be healthy, start making choices that can be a part of my regular life and will then be a lifetime habit. The weight is slowly coming off, the numbers at my doctors office are getting better and I feel good. I do not feel as though I am sacrificing or doing without because I allow myself anything I want, I just decide if I really want something or not. If I do want that chocolate brownie I have it without feeling like it is the end of the world and that helps me to only have one piece rather than the entire pan.
I find if I don't make my weight a big deal no one else has the right to make it a big deal either. So when you were standing up infront of all those people talking about your book, they were thrilled to be listening to you and meeting you and no one cared what the number on your scale said that morning.
Keep up the good work and thank you for inspiring so many others.

Have you read The Happiness Project? It's worth your time.

They next time a skinny person starts complaining about their weight gain to you, I think you should just tell them to exercise more and eat less.

Don't dismiss weight loss surgery out of hand because you think that all your food issues are in your head. I was afraid of the same thing but, due to high blood pressure and diabetes, I was more than willing to take the chance on the surgery and work on any issues that arose after.

It's been a year and there are no issues. Oh sure, sometimes I may want to eat because I'm happy, sad, bored, etc. but I can still only eat a tiny bit. Food doesn't taste the same - some things I love more, some things I love less - and none of it gives me the thrill I used to have. Since I don't get that hungry, I don't spend all my time thinking about food. Since I fill up fast, I have no problem walking away. It really is amazing.

Weight loss surgery isn't for everyone, and I really think it's only appropriate if and when weight truly compromises your health, but a lot of the emotional issues we think we have seem to be based on physical hunger / satiety issues that we just don't understand. Think about it. Attend a seminar. Ask questions. Check out the websites and message boards. Losing the weight has changed my life. I no longer beat myself up for imagined inadequacies. I have more energy. I just feel better.

I'm getting off the soapbox now.

I love this entry! It's so positive.

As for the weight thing, I have a friend who is very tiny, but who is obsessed with her abs. She always feels like her stomach is so fat and she needs to work out more and blah blah. I weigh ten pounds more than she does (which I know isn't a lot, I know I'm not fat but that doesn't make me not feel bloated or doughy sometimes), and I do just smile and nod, because she knows in her heart that she's not fat, as I think most thin people do. I don't think most people talking that way are looking for validation, I think they're just expressing how they feel. Sometimes a little encouragement helps. Like, if this friend says she thinks she needs to go to the gym more, you could just say that sounds like a good idea, she'll probably feel better if she goes. That way you're not agreeing with her that she has a weight problem, but you're acknowledging that she doesn't feel good about herself and needs to fix it. Of course, I'm talking about adults here. Teenage girls definitely just want someone to tell them they're not fat. :)

Maybe "I feel you. It's hard when your body changes in ways you're not ready for." Many women seem to use weight complaints as a way to try to bond with others, assuming a universal adversary. Maybe you could follow up with, "I've been trying to walk every day. Would you like to join me some time? It would be a great chance to hang out, too!" IF she's looking for connection, you've just given her an opening and let her know that you're open to spending time with her. Sometimes making friends is harder as an adult than as a kid.

The funny thing is that all of the comments seem to be focusing on the skinny vs. non-skinny issue, whereas I'm just thinking how well you figured things out in your final sentence - you CAN'T change other people, but you can change the way that you react to them. You are doing great with sticking to your goal of becoming healthier. For one thing, eating breakfast is a huge benefit which really does help in stabilizing your metabolism. You are also right to forget about dieting - which just makes you feel like you're depriving yourself. Honestly, you are so right on about so many things - just trust yourself. And when your skinny friends complain about gaining 2 pounds, just express sympathy and think of it as completely normal. They are self-obsessing, not critiquing you! All they want is for someone to listen to their what they perceive as their "problems."

This entry (and thereby you) inspire me.

Thank you.

Hi Laurie,

Of course, I don't want to assume that your friend has an eating disorder, but at the very least it sounds like she has very distorted body image... and perhaps I can shed some light.

I have struggled with different forms and degrees of an ED for the past decade from severe anorexia to phases of bingeing and purging. During this time, my weight has fluxuated from 87 lbs to 145 lbs. I can proudly say that I am currently in recovery and weigh a healthy 112 lbs (which is appropriate for my height and small frame). But, though I do not engage in ED behaviors anymore, I will always be hyper vigilant to my weight, how I look in the mirror and how my clothes fit. Though it may not be noticeable or seem like a big deal to anyone else, gaining 5 lbs would be a big deal TO ME. I would ruminate on it and this preoccupation would probably lead to me restricting food so I could obsessively try and get back to my "ideal" weight. Perhaps your friend is struggling with similar issues. She could look in the mirror and because of her poor body image, see someone who is overweight, though she clearly isn't. So this makes her worry her own, regardless of the validity that anyone else sees in it.

And also, people with poor self-image usually do not see others as overweight or fat. She may look at you and admire the fact that you accept who you are and have a positive plan to become healthier and happier. Next time she brings up some dismay regarding her own weight, instead of saying how great she looks (because compliments won't matter if she sees something different when she looks in the mirror),instead maybe ask her what is going on for her to make her feel that way. "Oh god, I gained 5 lbs"... your response could be "Really? Did some of your eating habits change recently? Are you stressed about something?" She may not know how to answer, but at least it will seem like you are actively listening to a concern that seems great to her.

Sorry for so much babbling Laurie. It's just that I can empathize with you (I have put my friends through those kind of questions many times) and with your friend. Oh a much lighter note, I love your blog, have been reading it for years and highly respect you as a strong, independent and honest woman. Thank you for that, really. :)

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but your friend was probably not thinking, "geez, Laurie is so huge I shouldn't complain about my 5 pound weight gain because it would offend her". Because she's your friend and probably doesn't define you by your weight or really think that much about your weight. As your friend, she probably realizes you're beautiful the way you are. What she's probably thinking about is her own weight and her own body issues because almost all of us do - regardless of our size.

It's all relative. There must be some woman out there who's larger than you who'd be annoyed with YOU for talking about how you struggle with your weight, because to that person, your weight is nothing.

In the end, even so-called skinny people sometimes want to be able to commiserate with their friends about all the weird feelings they have about their bodies. As a "skinny" person myself (people have called me that, though I don't think of myself that way), it's hard sometimes to be blown off as silly when I have insecurities just like anyone else does. It's hard to sometimes get the feeling like the topic is off limits just because I'm a different size than some other people.

In an ideal world, all women would just inherently believe we're beautiful... I wish that were the case and then this entire topic would be moot. But as usual, you've approached up the topic with thoughtfulness and grace. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with all of us and for making me think.

i choose to think of it like this:

just because she is skinny to you (and perhaps to 99.9% of the rest of the world) does not mean she isn't entitled to have an "i feel/am fat" day. sometimes a person just FEELS gross, and when you FEEL that way logic does not prevail.

perhaps she was not thinking about it in terms of comparison to you, but in comparison to herself.

even if she wasn't, if you think of it that way, it's much easier to give the supportive answer.

"i think you look great, but i know what you mean about the frustration. sometimes it just feels terrible."

DONE.

Laurie, Your book arrived in the mail over the weekend and I'm so excited to read it! I'm taking it with me to the Atlanta Motor Speedway this weekend and plan on reading the whole thing. We camp from Wednesday to Monday so I'll have plenty of relaxing time! Have a great week!

First of all: Great post.
Second: I am on my way out to buy your new book. My local B&N confirmed that they have in stock now.
Third: I worked with a girl who obsessed about a one pound weight fluctuation. She weighed herself night and morning. One morning she came into the office all down and depressed muttering that she had gained a pound overnight. Maybe it was wrong of me but I told her to go pee, it would come right off. She never broached the subject with me again.

I've been bulimic for 33 years now and whole-heartedly agree that all weight problems are in the person's head. I can eat like a "normal" person and be OK, and then sometimes, I'm not OK. It comes, it goes. Therapy has helped me recognize the triggers and how to deal with them more positively, but I am also much more accepting of myself the way I am, and I did lose weight when I made a more concentrated effort to exercise. I try to avoid engaging in conversations about diets, or with people who also have a flawed viewpoint of their bodies. Really, we have so much other important stuff to obsess about!

Something that just became clear to me after all these many years: skinny (or slender or thin) people THINK about their weight differently, and therefore, are not overweight. Thin people with a tendency to gain weight stop at 2 or 3 or 5 pounds and do something about it. They make different choices, and get different results.

Or they have major issues just like me and like you said, those issues don't show.

I am a size 20 who just gained 20 pounds over the fall and holidays. I am working on it.

So I just smile and say, You look great!

We are all so much more than our bodies. And you are great! Looking forward to your new book!

Well, what's wrong with just staying mentally with your friend and not arguing? If she doesn't do it a lot, why not say, "That sounds hard" and then raise a new topic.

I'm "skinny," but 5-10 pounds means my clothes don't fit. So, I need to get it off or buy new clothes.

Surely the two of you have lots to talk about.

Hello Aunt Purl! I really enjoyed your post today. Thoughts, on the cooking, try the Moosewood cookbooks by Mollie Katzen. All vegetarian (you can always add a meat side dish), but very fun and always interesting. Have been a big inspiration to me. On the skinny friend, I've been on both sides of that. People obsess over their weight, period. 200lbs or 100lbs, they will still want different hips, butt, legs, boobs, whatever. Make some friendly conversation with her and move on, it's a personal issue. Nothing you can say will change her mind or her outlook. That's up to her.

First of all, AMEN SISTER!!! To all of the above. The inertia, the well meaning advice from people who have NO IDEA what you're going through, all of it. And good for you for finding a healthy not insane way to deal with it.

And as for skinny friend. I have found, that they are mainly looking for common ground with which to bond with me. I tend to say something like, "yeah, weight problems really suck. Hey did you hear about that thing thats happening at that place with those people?"
Or, she has some form of body dysmorphic disorder, in which case, unless you are a therapist, there isn't a thing in the world you can do for her. Except say "yeah, weight problems really suck. Hey did you hear about that thing thats happening at that place with those people?"

I really enjoyed your post!!

I, too, am making 2010 about being "fit and healthy" trying to derail the feeling of denial and resentment that "being on a diet" has always made me feel. After 10 months of eating right and working out on my Wii Fit nearly every day, I've lost 40# and feel great. I still have 100# to lose to come close to my ideal weight but am trying like the dickens to make this not about weight but about health, and I totally am with you on the "I can gain five pounds by smelling bread baking" bandwagon. It's nice to knew there's someone else fighting the good fight.

I made your roasted cauliflower last weekend--awesome. Next time the brussels sprouts get it!

I'm with you. I hit 38 and the weight started coming on no matter what I did. Here I am, 42, and 30 lbs heavier going "why won't someone listen to me that there's a problem." I finally passed enough thyroid tests that they gave me a glucose intolerance test (I won't STAND for it) and I failed it. But I passed the hemoglobin so no diabetes. I've cut back on sugar and diet soft drinks (it took me about 6 months, I think, of fits & starts), and increased protein and moderated carbs (no more then 30g every 2 hours balanced by 15g of protein), and I'm down 5lbs in 2 months. Part of me thinks "GACK, it'll be 6 years before I'm "normal" again!!" but the other part of me is trying to stuff that part into a box and say "it's about being healthy" So thank you for framing it that way. It does help.
And yes, being happy. Being grateful. You bring joy to those of us who read your blog. Thank you.

Hi! Great post! Love your goals and your progress with them.
I used to be a skinny girl, but that changed. Now I'm freaked out that my body attracts fat, and even more that my mind makes excuses to have dessert when I sincerely want to cut my intake. This loss of control is what I want to whine to someone about, and I expect your skinny friend just wants someone to agree that this is normal. Like you, she probably doesn't actually want advice. :)
Have to say though: it was tacky of her to complain about her weight to someone who might be dissatisfied with their weight.

Laurie, I'd say you handled the matter well, and far more sensitively than I would have done; I would have blown a gasket, having been told to lose weight because of high blood pressure. Regarding that, the phrase from today's blog that I shall long recall is "creativity with excuses". Oh boy, do I get a gold star for that. Great to have the comments back, and the opportunity to show appreciation. Laura UK

Thank you for the paragraph on "the one issue that shames you..." That was beautifully written.

As a very average, not skinny and not fat person, gaining weight is something that gets me down. Not so much because I don't want to be fat, but more because I'm no longer comfortable with myself - my clothes are snug, so I notice it all day long too. And for me, I know that weight gain means I'm not treating my body right and I'm putting the wrong food stuff in and I really might start looking like the couch potato I am. So, while you and I may be different weights, I really relate to the approach you're taking, namely get healthy. I'm fine if I keep the few extra pounds and go up a pants size (really!), I just want to feel good about my body.

Frankly, I think you are beautiful outside, and more importantly, inside. Re: roasting veggies, I've got a big butternut squash in the oven as I type. I just cut it lengthwise, remove seeds, and brush with olive oil, salt and pepper. No peeling, no cutting up. It's awesome. (I've been known to eat half a large one by myself).

When people tell me things (like the 5 pound weight gain) that I can't really relate to because I need to lose about 55+ pounds...I say "Oh, I'm so sorry" and I find I really mean it most of the time. It's works with crying children, too, most of the time...

The issue is not feeling good about yourself, whether it's b/c of five pounds or 50 lbs. A friend of mine who is petite compared to me but is not at her healthiest right now was complaining about it this weekend. I just said, "I totally understand what it's like to not be happy with yourself physically." I think almost everyone can relate to that no matter what size.

Most skinny people call attention to their skinniness by proclaiming their non-existent weight problem. In reality, they are a)really fishing for compliments. Same category as the 'this old thing' response to a dress compliment. Or b) it is like a superiority complex jab at a person who DOES have a weight problem - a somewhat backhanded way of saying 'if I think I'm fat just think what I must think about you'.

This is probably not true 100% of the time, as in the case of anorexics, but for normal people I really believe it comes close.

You should try responding with 'yeah you kinda are' walk away and see what happens - lol!

Oh also- here's what I've been putting in the crock pot: sliced crimini mushrooms (which I think are the same thing as baby portabello), a can of artichoke hearts, a couple of potatoes cut up, and chicken pieces (I use thighs with the skin off but you could use whatever.) Add one cup of broth and a sprinkle of thyme. Yummy yummy yummy.

What an awesome blog -- saying it all and saying it very well.

As far as your skinny friends go, I do have an idea of how to handle them and you're halfway there already. First, their comments are all about them. You already know this. Second, keep it about them -- sympathize with them the way you ask people to sympathize with you by asking them to think about the one issue that shames and stops them in their life. Think about your skinny friend's 5 pounds as the issue that shames and stops her and empathize with what THAT feels like, not the 5 pounds. I think one of the reasons why everyone talks incessantly about weight is because weight has become the stand-in for whatever ails us, and we have a lot that ails us in this society. After expressing your love for her, ask her how she plans to address the 5 pounds. Let her talk. Remain empathic. Don't judge, comment or fix.

I love the way you're going about creating change in your life -- your plan, your way, slowly, kindly and with forgiveness. This approach to yourself is well worth emulating.

Good luck in Marching on! Cheers!

I think you handled it great! Maybe she was fishing for a compliment. I'm sure I would have handled it the same way..."You look wonderful. Did you see such-n-such on tv last night?"

I face the same weight issues that you do, and I'm also mystified by my many stick-thin friends who complain about their weight. The most confusing things is that these are the same friends who minimize my weight issues when I want to talk about them. I am easily 70 pounds overweight. However, they tell me that I look fine, that I'm gorgeous, that I'm crazy for thinking my weight is a barrier to dating, etc. I know they mean well. But, then they complain endlessly about gaining a few pounds when they were a size 2 or 4 or 6 or they make fun of other fat people, such as an overweight guy who wants to date them. Those moments hit me. It makes me think I must be really hideous to them at my overweight state if they are freaking out about gaining a few pounds.

I have every other area of my life together. It's frustrating to wonder how and if I'll ever get the weight thing under control. Sometimes I wish that my struggle/addiction was a less visible one.

I feel your weight pain. I've battled with my weight since I was 12, and never won the battle in any definitive way. But now my blood pressure is up. I have to lose some weight (30-40 lbs, ideally) and I have to exercise, not for weight loss or even fitness, but because it will lower my blood pressure. Period. End of story. It's hard. Really, really hard.
And then there's my daughter. She hit the genetic lottery, getting my (tall) height, and her father's slight build. She was a tall, skinny baby, a tall, skinny kid, and now she's a tall, skinny woman. I was terrified of passing my weight/food issues to her, and bent over backward to give her healthy food, with enough "treats" to keep her from craving only the bad stuff, and not to make an issue of weight with/around her. Somehow I managed it, she likes good food that's good for her, and doesn't overeat, but it wasn't easy. Especially when other parents were not always so tactful. One mom even asked me, at a school event, "Is she anorexic? Does she eat?" At the time, she was 16, she ate as much as 3 teenage boys, but stayed skinny through a naturally fast metabolism and activity. How sad is it that a young woman couldn't be naturally slim without arousing suspicion of an eating disorder?
I know my weight issues are entirely between my ears, and that's where they'll have to be fixed. If it were only that easy.

I think it's very insensitive for your friend to complain to you, especially if she knows that you are unhappy with your current weight. It's like a pregnant woman complaining to an infertile woman about her morning sickness or about how much she hates being pregnant. Okay, maybe that isn't the exact same thing, but either way it's insensitive and potentially hurtful. I don't have any advice. I think changing the subject, like you did, is a good move.

1. Glad your signing went well - I'll bet you felt giddy afterward, didn't you?!

2. You may not be skinny but I will stand here and insist that you are not "very large" either. Not at all.

3. You are adorable looking. Incidentally, this has nothing to do with why I compulsively check for updates on your blog. You are warm and have an interesting life, a hilarious outlook, and the ability to communicate it in a way that makes us all feel like we are sharing in it. It's a good package, I think. Anyone can give up eating and get skinny but they still won't have your package.

One more fat-used-to-be-skinny here. I've gained a lot of weight because I eat too much, and I haven't lost it because it's hard to do, and there are too many more important issues in my life. When I was skinny I worried about getting fat, but not all that much, because I thought it would never happen. I do recall kvetching about a small weight gain to friends who weighed a lot more than I did; I was focusing on myself, not on them, and I thought they looked good at their size and I looked good at mine. And I do recall their telling me to shut up until I weighed more than 17 pounds, and realizing the justice of that.

I really love your approach to getting healthy: it's not about the weight. If you eat right and exercise your body will get to its healthy size, which, are all you skinny people listening? may well be what our thin-obsessed culture thinks of as very large.

I have a weird malady too; it doesn't threaten my life, health, or mobility, but before I got treatment it kept me in constant pain. Suddenly not being in pain after 20 years of constant pain was... truly amazing. Part of the treatment involves diet; there are many very healthful foods (for most people, but not for me) such as tomatoes, strawberries, and asparagus that I have to avoid, and many fat bombs such as white chocolate and pound cake that I can consume with abandon. You can see how this might get a person into trouble. But as time has gone on I've been able to tweak the restrictions a bit, and also to find healthful things that I can both eat and enjoy. It sounds like you are on a similar path.

Really enjoyed your post today. I like the way you've boiled your goals down to something realistic that you can actually accomplish. Mine tend to be more fanciful, like 1) I WILL lose those 50 excess pounds before the wedding I have to attend next month; and 2) I WILL spend 2 hours per day at the gym every day until I'm back to my ideal weight! With your permission, I'd like to adopt your goals instead of mine. Healthy and Happy - I'll take those any day.

As for your skinny friend with the "huge" weight gain....perhaps she was just PMSing and needed a little reassurance. As a woman with more than just a few pounds to lose, I've found that my real friends honestly don't see me as fat. This is as puzzling to me as it is comforting.

PS - I just purchased your latest book - on Kindle, no less. Can't wait to find put my feet up, grab a glass of wine, and start reading.

First of all, Laurie, I met you on your last book tour (Mall of America) and you're a very pretty woman. You're too hard on yourself.

Second, here's something to think about regarding men and weight loss. My partner transitioned from being born female to being a trans-man. When he started taking loads of testosterone, he lost 100 pounds. He needed to lose the weight, but he didn't make any changes in diet or exercise. In other words, hormones give men a 100 pound advantage over women. So when a guy says, "Gee, I gave up french fries for a month and lost 25 pounds, have you ever thought about trying that?", you can tell him to jump in a lake.

I'm overweight, obsessive and not a morning person. The easiest fix was eating oatmeal for breakfast while not being a morning person. The answer is overnight crockpot cooking on low! There are many entries if you Google it. Try it. You might like it.

I don't know if this will help, but I'd like to try to explain at least one person's (I'm talking about me here) desire to take off a 5 to 10 pound weight gain. I know some of my friends have the same reaction as many here seem to have when I comment that I need to lose 5 pounds or so. The thing is, I don't care what a person weighs as long as they are healthy, comfortable with themselves, and able to be active. However, when I'm even 5 pounds heavier than my norm, I don't feel right, my clothes are uncomfortable, I don't have as much energy as I like to have. I assume everyone has a different point at which these things happen. My daughter is heavier than I am but she is quite active and comfortable at her weight and I see nothing wrong with that. And , no, if I comment that I'm trying to lose a little, I'm not looking for people to assure me that I don't look heavy. Actually, that really annoys me. I know how I feel and I'm not trying to say that they should lose too. Of coure, this doesn't help you to know how to answer because what would be great to say to one person, another person might not like at all. You might try just being sympathic and comment how tough it can be to lose even 1 pound.

I'm a big girl. I have a serious health problem. (MS) I am now at the point where I dont care if I'm a big girl, I'm more focused on making sure that I'm capable of walking a few miles a day if I want to. I'm eating healthier because it's probably a good idea to do so with the whole crappy health issue.

I've got a doctor who tells me I should probably lose weight, and he's probably right, but I only have so much energy and dont exactly have a stockpile of extra energy to draw from. So, I try to do some exercise of some sort every day or at least more than 3 times a week...and I try not to eat crap all the time. (hard to do sometimes)

I figure if I can keep myself at a point where I can have the stamina go to the zoo and walk around for a few hours without having to take the next week to recover from all the exertion I'm doing pretty good.

Sure, I'd like to weigh less, but now I dont care about that as much as I care about staying mobile and able to move.

Great post. Happy March!

Re: the skinny friend, you are right - DO NOT even try to argue. "Oh, really? You look great to me," and a change of subject is super.

I hope this is not your friend's issue, but after skimming the other commenters, I didn't see this mentioned and I have to say, an eating disorder comes in many forms. In H.S. a friend was telling me how fat she was and how her stomach stuck out and she turned sideways to show me -- um, those would be HIP BONES! If it hadn't been so sad it'd've been funny.

Someone already mentioned Nonviolent Communication. Another book along the same lines is "Taking the War out of Our Words." It has suggestions for how to respond sensitively when the conversation goes a bit mindless.

I know just what you mean by your weight problem being between your ears. My workplace decided to bring in a weight loss program, and I signed up. I finally just told the lady-"If I had the self discpline to write down everything I ate and count my points, I wouldn't need the program!

Hey Laurie!

No advice, cuz that shite irritates me too.

Just lots of hugs.

You're doing great!

Now I must got get some sleep. Then I can be funny and insightful again. Or at least just fool myself into thinking I am.

I suppose I'm one of those "fat" girls that want to punch skinny people in the face when they talk about being fat.

I'm very self-aware as well as aware of those around me. I don't ever discuss my fat issues with pretty much anyone. Like you, I've realized that I simply need to do one of two things about my weight... 1) Do something about it (eat better, exercise more, stop with a serving of chocolate instead of multiple handfuls, etc) or 2) Accept that I'm be slightly larger than average, but I'll enjoy a whole lot more chocolate in my lifetime.

I've never had much patience for it, and while I'm mindful of skinny folks having body issues like the rest of us, I don't believe it became the "fat girl's" job to put everyone else's weight fears at ease. I know, a terrible stance to take on the whole thing, but I can't help but feel this way.

A question was asked on the radio this morning, "Would you rather be called fat, or be cheated on?" A doctor came on the radio and explained that for women who have ever had weight issues, they can remember clearly being called fat. Many women will forget that loser of a boyfriend who cheated, but the scars of being called fat lingered over a lifetime.

I wish there was a magic pill or formula to simply change our societal norms regarding weight and shift it back toward acceptance of the individual.

Thank you for always writing what's in my head, though I fail at ever being able to write.

Oh Purlie...I just think you are the BEES KNEES...an I love ya more n' my luggage! I have been struggling with various (midlife crisis)crap since I hit 40 ( hello 6 years ago) and I found this blogsite by Christine Kane..( ChristineKane.com) she is a life coach and has helped me with a lot of shite ( I participated in her program called "Uplevel Your Life") but her blog and e-zine are free and packed with brilliantly useful stuff too..she is totally my go-to-girl-guru!! (has cats!) Hugs from the (still) frozen farmland!

About getting happy: there is research that shows that if you act like you're happy (smiling at people, chatting with them, etc.), you will actually feel happier. I know a lot of people will say that that's ridiculous, but I think it works!

I've lurked here FOREVER and never posted a comment, but today I just have to say that your outlook on life buoys me REGULARLY. Thank you for being so honest. In case it might encourage you even the tiniest bit, I'll tell you that some changes I made in my diet two years ago (because of allergies, not courage) have been a powerful catalyst for positive change in my life.

I like Jamy & Lisa's answers.

When I encounter the skinny-whines-to-fat, I always try to remind myself that their body issues don't have to invoke mine -- or become mine.

If it's not a situation of "fishing for compliments/reassurance from the local available fatty", (and it's mostly not) I always try to respond to what they said, not (my perception of) their body. "It can be really hard when you don't feel like you're in control." Kindly, and briefly, and then move the conversation on.

I think your goals are great and inspiring. I've been reinventing the food wheel here at home. I use a couple of website/blogs for recipes : http://smittenkitchen.com/recipes/ and http://simplyrecipes.com/ and for a magazine Everyday Foods is great. They have shopping lists and all sorts of reviews. I on occasion use recipes from cookinglight.com. What I like about all three (four) they make it seem easy and not intimidating.

Happy March Laurie! You've inspired me to stop feeling sorry for myself for many reasons and stop stuffing my face :) because not only is causing weight issues it's causing health issues. It's supposed to be in the upper 30's possibly 40's this week so I too will be out walking everyday this week. March on :)

Much of the weight issue is about body image, where we get the idea of the perfect body, how each individual views her or his self. I'm overweight and when my skinny friends start complaining about the small amount of weight they gained, I start a political conversation about what is the perfect body, waxing on about how it changes, citing the Rubenesque to Marilyn Monroe to Twiggy (boy does that date me). Then I go on about how white men are the ones that tend to determine "ideal" body shape... all this usually stops the complaining (and reminds me that in some place or time, I'm perfect!).

Hi, Laurie! I'm a girl with a size 12 body, and I frequently ride the line with a size 14. (Like I am right now.) Even I freak out over 5 or 10 pounds because to me, that's a warning sign to me. I have a great ability to swing from my fighting weight up to 190 pounds. I'm 27, and I've gained and lost that 45-50 pounds twice now. (I am with you feeling like my problem is between my ears, too. I know when I've gotten to that place where I am just not making the best choices for myself to be healthy.)

Maybe your friend was panicking and feeling out of control with herself and just needed to vent. I find it a little annoying when skinny women make this complaint, too, but then I realize how much emphasis I put on 5 pounds.

It really is all about doing what's healthy instead of focusing on the numbers. You have it so right with the things you're doing for yourself. You make me want to cook healthy things at home more often!

Wow, this has given me so much to think about, I love it! Thank you!

Also it's somehow very reassuring to know I am not the only one who sometimes gets flummoxed in a conversation about weight. It's such a tricky thing, really.

Thank you for all the thoughtful and thought-proving responses.

It makes my day when I see that you have entered a new post. No matter the subject they are always thought provoking or entertaining. Yours is my FAVORITE blog!! I look forward to it every day!!

I learned recently that when people talk, it's okay to just listen. This probably sounds dumb to a lot of people, but I am a big problem-fixer. And recently I learned that you don't always have to fix people's problems or tell your skinny friends that you can't see their extra five pounds, or whatever. The most important thing is to listen, and another important thing is to not deny or discredit their feelings. So saying, "Don't be crazy, you're such a stick" to your skinny friends isn't helpful. Instead you can just say "Hmm" or "We all have days like that, don't we?" or any neutral thing like that!

A very good blog today. I totally agree with the "between the ears problem" of being overweight. Dealing with it every day. Some days, better progress than others. You rock, and I enjoy your updates. I feel like I just had a short visit with a very sane, honest person who is also very worldly. Thank you.

I think that your skinny friend may be too self-absorbed to notice your size and shape when she is discussing her fear of 5 pounds. She may be consumed by her fear to notice the bigger picture of the situation. I find if I can let go of the crazy idea a person is presenting and focus on what they seems to be feeling, I have a better chance of responding kindly and helpfully.

I don't often, but more often than before.

See, the weight stuff is "between the ears" for most of us, I would think. I have never been overweight much, but I'm often 5 lbs over what I think my "good" weight is -- the weight where my clothes fit well, I feel good about myself, I think I look good in pictures, etc. I'm sure many people think I look fine, but *I* don't feel good about myself, you know?

I do try to refrain from complaining about my weight because who wants to hear about that? It's not like anyone else can lose the 5 lbs for me. But I bet your friend feels as bad about her 5 lbs as some people do about 10, 20, or 50.

Anyway, polite sympathy is all that is needed ... "I know how frustrating it is not to feel good about one's weight!" is true, sympathetic to your friend, and enables the conversation to move on to more interesting topics.

I hope you reach your goal to walk every day -- if it rains, you can mall-walk with seniors! Ha!

Your honesty is very inspiring.

Regarding the skinny person issue.. I am a naturally skinny person who wants to gain 5lbs and more so I don't share your friend's mentality. But I will say that if your friend is 100lbs.. 5lbs is a 20% gain. Definitely not comparable to an actual weight problem, but in her mind, it might be. And I'm sure it was not about you and what she said was in no way a reflection of you. She sounds rather self-centered, actually, to discuss the subject with you. I don't know what you could have done in the situation, and probably would have changed the subject myself! If she brings it up again, maybe just say "I'm not comfortable discussing your body in that way"?

I love the way you put things. Your description of how everyone has "something" that is an issue (mine happens to be overweight)--spot on. Congratulations on your healthy outlook and on continuing to see the glass half full. Onward! :)

Great post for comments today! I cannot resist putting my two cents worth in, because I think this shows something that I forget all the time; that other people, when they talk, are not thinking about me at all! They're not putting themselves in my shoes, or wondering how their comments are going to make me feel. That's not the way it works ... and thank heavens for that. Too much empathy would make the world a very creepy place.

I saw the fabulous flip side of the skinny girl comment on the weekend. A friend of mine who has lost two dress sizes, and is now average-sized, said "Look at these jeans on me! Don't I look incredible!" to another slender gorgeous friend who would shoot herself if she weighed that much ... but my first friend was so happy, and really looked so fantastic in the jeans, that she outshone everyone there. And not in a patronising "yes, haven't you lost a little bit of weight dear" way, but in a genuine, that woman is the hottest in the room, way.

The actual number doesn't really matter.

I'd probably just say "I'm sorry you're frustrated" and either change the subject or say something like "can we not talk about this, the entire topic makes me nutty," grin and change the subject. Being goofy is the best defense! I love your Get Happy campaign, and it makes me think of the Partridge Family singing "come on everyone, get happy!" :-)

As a skinny person with weight issues, first let me say, its really all the same stuff: how you feel about yourself. It doesn't matter if you're overweight or skinny; if you base feeling good about yourself on your weight, you have issues when the reality doesn't match your ideal; when you made some poor food choices, you beat yourself up; when you haven't exercised in days/weeks/whatever, you give yourself a guilt trip.

As for how to deal with it: I don't know. I know I consciously avoid talking about it - to anyone - as I've had too many hurt feelings (mine or the other person's). When someone says something to me; I try to gently point out that this person is doing amazing stuff (whatever it is - find something positive to focus on) and they'll get back on track with their goals when they're ready to focus. So far, that hasn't seemed to piss anyone off.

And I tell myself that too :)

Thanks for posting these monthly reviews. As soon as this fever breaks (ah, the flu!); I'm going to review my own resolutions.

As far as I'm concerned no one should NEVER mention weight to anyone, fat or skinny, unless you are sitting in a doctor's office and it's your doctor who is doing the talking.

Unfortunately, the person in MY life who does this crap is my sister and she's annoying as hell since she got diabetes and lost a lot of weigh [and damn near died because of her denial]. She's like one of those anti-smoking people who used to smoke and now they feel like they are a better person than you are because they quit and are always coughing and crap when they are around cigarette smoke.

I wish I had a way to shut my sister down when she starts her crap, but I don't. I just hope if YOU find a way you will share it in one of your future posts because you are not the only one who has a 'friend' who pulls this kind of crap.

Hang in there, Baby. It's all any of us can do. But we can choose to smile anyway. :)

Oh wow. Are you sure you're not my long-lost (younger) twin sister? Because I'm doing the same thing! I didn't lose the weight I wanted to lose last year, I didn't get my goals accomplished, so this year I'm also trying to take it month to month so I can stay on track. Frank is being really helpful - he has a lovely way of being supportive without nagging and doesn't try to "fix" me, but has lots of good ideas when I ask him. What I am trying to figure out is: if I know my issues, and I have all these great, workable plans to fix them, why do I then self-sabotage? So this month, I'm trying to think, "What IF I did lose that weight? What about losing weight is so scary that I go for the snacks?" Maybe if I focus on that, I can stick to my goals.

Keep up the great work - you are such an inspiration.

You're great. If you're digging roasted veggies might I recommend fennel, butternut squash and onion. Chop up 1 of each, mix together with a little olive oil, some cayenne pepper, and some salt and then roast it all. They don't really brown or crisp like other roasted veggies because the squash is too wet but they get really really good and the tastes are very complimentary. Good with rice, or barley or quinoa for a meal.

Dah-ling...you look simply fabulous. I forgot to tell you how beautiful I thought you were at your signing. When I went to your signing, it was after I had done some binge eating for a couple of weeks. I had a shitty Valentine's Day date(which began at the Cheesecake Factory at the Grove, coincidentally)...anyway, it is simply amazing how quickly I am able to pack on the pounds...but then they can also be unpacked, so not to worry. Like you said, the dieting issues are all between the ears... I also have a skinny friend who aggressively complains about her weight...I've decided it's not healthy for me to be around this, so I have drawn a nice solid boundary. I love her, but it's too toxic for me to listen to that stuff. Sweetie, if ever there is a movie for your books, Renee Zellweger should play you. Or Reese Witherspoon. You are so cute and blonde! And you look very pretty in pink! Pardon my rambling, I am currently sipping on some Merlot and drunk commenting. :)

I think the media (TV, magazines, etc.) bombard us so constantly with the message "there's something very wrong with you but if you buy our product maybe you will be okay" that we (women especially) go around criticizing themselves because that's the tune that's stuck in our heads.

Laurie, sending lots of good wishes for good health down the 101!

I'm glad your book-signing went well! :)

And I know what you mean about feeling fat and all. I've always struggled with my weight.

Personally, I think that Science will someday discover that for some of us, fat is as addictive as heroin or cocaine. I'm serious.

I've lost weight on Weight Watchers, and so I have had the experience of "eating pure", and then when I'd splurge, I could hear my brain saying to me, eat more, eat more, eat more.

It wasn't hunger, and it wasn't a lack of willpower. I think every cell in my body is sensitive to being hooked and screams for a fix.

I think that could explain why some of us who have a brain do something as illogical as eat too much.

Good luck in your efforts to be healthier. You're not alone -- I'm right there with you! :)

Love, Donna

Check out this NYTimes article on weight issues: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/01/in-obesity-epidemic-whats-one-cookie/?hpw

When I was skinny, it was the days of Twiggy, so naturally I felt fat. It was also the days of the Playboy Bunny, [talk about a double-bind! be really skinny; oh, but not *there*!] and I was late to the game when it came to acquiring boobage (the "girls" woke up and smelled the chocolate around my 17th birthday). After having 5 kids, I am impressively not-skinny [and I still turn the heads of middle-aged Latino and African-American men], with spectacular cholesterol, BP, etc. I am starting to have minor mobility issues, so for the past several months I have been eating more veggies, gradually introducing more whole grains, finding ways to move this body that don't exacerbate the problems, etc. I'm not seeing much change in what the scale says, but I am feeling better. When I find the right mix of food, activity, and rest, I strongly suspect that it will be reflected in what the world sees. So proud of you for taking care of your smart, feisty, lovely self so that you will be around for us to enjoy and appreciate you.

(I like the steamer veggies that a lot of the companies are coming out with.) Just enjoyed half a small package of rosemary potatoes and green beans in butter sauce, not excessively salty, and I have a salmon steak thawing as we speak... I like to nuke fish in parchment, with fresh nutmeg and lots of lemon juice.

Keep the faith, Ms. Purl!

I mentioned a recent weight gain to a friend who is bigger than I am and she just said "uh huh" and changed the subject.

It made me sad because now I know that this friend isn't interested in supporting me when I have body issues as I would certainly be supportive for her. And the only reason for this is that I'm smaller than she is.

I don't think it should matter that one person has more pounds to lose than another, and I'd hate to think that I'm only welcome to talk about my body issues with those friends of mine who are smaller than me...is that the rule?

My mentioning the extra pounds wasn't a judgement about her body, it was me reaching out to a friend who I thought might understand the issue I'm dealing with.

I imagine that your friend mentioned her weight gain to you because she likes and respects you, probably thinks you're smart...and trusts your opinion.

Having been on both sides of the scale, fat and not so fat, the one real difference I've noticed is that when I was fat I compared every single woman to me (is she bigger or smaller than me?) but I don't do that now, I don't notice everyone who is bigger OR smaller than me anymore, I just don't measure people on those terms anymore.

Maybe your friend wasn't thinking about your body at all because she was focused on her own?

Your Skinny Friend issue reminds me of something I was told about dealing with eating-disordered people: Don't make it about the food. Also: Fat is not a feeling. Friend may be upset about gaining weight, but what's it really about? Feeling out of control? Feeling unattractive? Feeling generally down on herself and looking for a reason to pin it on? That anyone can relate to--and maybe even make her feel better about.

Yep. I have a hard time listening to super thin people complain about being fat. Would they just like a kind word, or do they really believe they are fat??? I dunno I had to stop reading a knitting blog because the EXTREMELY thin knitter kept complaining how fat certain of her knitted items made her look. And I'm not talking a slim, or thin person, I'm talking EXTREME. For some reason, I just couldn't handle it anymore. Dumb, I know. (but I sure didn't leave her a comment telling her what I was doing and why, I just quietly went away)

You know what? It's not just about more exercise and fewer calories. It's about genetics and now they are finding it's even about viruses. I've battled the weight issue all of my life. I always come back to my same weight, no more, no less. This is the way God made me. I got tired a long time ago of the endless struggle. If someone has a problem with my weight, well, it's their problem. I'm not spending the rest of my life fighting a losing battle. God didn't make us all the same... so be it. You be your happy self and I'll be mine :)

Hi there...
I just wanted to say a couple of things...
I roasted brussel sprouts the other day because of you. And yes, they were great.
And, I have been reading your blog for years and seeing your lovely photos and I think you are absolutely beautiful!!!
xoxo
Tiffany from Seattle

I had a thin friend who complained about a 5 lb gain to me... I asked her why that was such a problem... its only 5 lbs. She said "If I don't worry about those 5 lbs then it will be another 5 lbs and then another and then before I know it I'll be 50 pounds heavier.. so yes...I worry about those 5 lbs". It stumped me... because she was right.

I've been reading your blog for two years now, but have never commented. . . Just felt like it today, I guess.

I feel better about my resolutions after reading about how you're doing with yours. Like you, I'm making good progress but still struggling. What kind of yogurt do you like? I have greek yogurt (strawberry or peach), with fresh fruit.

My weight, however, has not changed since the day I left the hospital after having my son. (Nov. 2008) But I know I'm healthier, and my jeans fit better.

Today I listened to friends complain and be negative, and instead of adding to the snarkiness, I empathised. Then I rejoiced the homemade soup I made over the weekend.

ok, this has nothing to do with this post really, except I have been meaning to tell you this and I thought of it just now. Have you ever tried Kale chips? THEY ARE THE DELICIOUSNESS. Google it, try it, live it, love it. So easy, so healthy, and kale!

Also, you're awesome. That is all.

Your skinny friend can't see the forest through the trees. She'd probably be very ashamed to know that she has upset you.
I hate how we judge women in this country. The thin are successful, lovable, and really, really smart! If you have 5-10-50 extra pounds, your labeled all sorts of things. I am 6', a size large, sometimes an XL, size 12-14, in plain english, a plus size.
Yes, I am soft in spots, but strong in others. I spent most of my 20s, 30s sneak eating in my car. I weighed 130 lbs until I was 35. (I'm a healthy 160 now :) I kept up the disguise of being thin by eating badly and sporadically. Thank God I realized how much damage I could be doing to myself in my 40s.

Always strive for healthy over weight loss. Yes, it is good to lose some of the weight, but not at the cost of your health. Hang in there. You are delightful and loved AND admired by a lot of people you have never met.

First, I really enjoy your writing and your efforts. You strike me as honest [both with yourself and with your readers]. You seem like you would be a good person, good friend. Thank you for sharing.

Second, perhaps I can shine light on your light weight friend.

I was always on the lighter/normal side. I was only vaguely concerned about my looks and size. Like an average person. I mean,I wanted to look good, sure. I was fine. But I didn't think about weight/food much. Then the weight concern/size/anorexia kicked in. To this day I do not know the source. There was no sexual abuse -- I believe that is a false generality about anorexia. But once this "awareness" kicked in, I thought about my weight and food all the time. All the time. It's a wonder I even functioned and got anything else done. Preoccupation with weight/food is/was a full time job but doesn't pay. I waver between slightly lighter/normal and then underweight. Seems that I last about a year at normal and then lose.

It is a shitty, shitty cycle.
Oddly, I think I am fatter [my word] when I am at my smallest. When I say smallest, I mean barely 90 pounds and 5 foor 6.

My perception of how I look/ed was exact opposite of the truth. It's like my fat head clouded my eyes.

When I am smaller, I feel worse. Worse = fatter. When you say it is in your head, you are right. My weight was in my fat head.

At my smallest, I thought only of food, exercise and my own weight -- not the weight of others. Y'all could be disembodied heads for all that I notice/d. I only see/saw my own body and all it's "flaws".

So when your friend comments on her "excess" weight, perhaps she is coming from a place such as mine. Perhaps she is [like me] normally close to normal weight but her brain has forced her to be even smaller. Her fat head has clouded her eyes.

When that happens to me, I do not see what others see. Even though I have been through the cycle before. It is like weird psyche glasses. She may not see herself as others see her.

My advice? I would lead with a statement like: "us women! We are all so hard on ourselves" and steer the conversation toward perception is not reality. Keep the conversation short unless you sense she wants to talk. You can certainly say "you look fine" and maybe ask "are you ok?" and then [depending on her answers] try to move the conversation away [or not, depending on her replies].

It is best not to feed [bad word choice] into people's body/food issues. Some who point out their "flaws" [body, hair, whatever] »might« be fishing for compliments because they are insecure. But they might really have a problem. If someone continually points to invisible "flaws" [no matter of what type] you can ask them what steps they are taking to correct it and/or suggest that they find someone to talk to.

Where does this fixation with body size and self-worth come from? Magazines and movie stars? Maybe. But that wasn't always the case [hello, Marilyn]. I don't think it comes from men, in general, either. Ask any man and most will say they like "meat and curves". Is it in our heads? Is it competition? Other women and their catty remarks or dismissive looks? It's probably a little of a lot of things. If I knew, I wouldn't be in my boat.

Really, I think "women are too hard on themselves". That would be my response.

Because it is the truth.

It breaks my heart.

The truth is always the best place to start.

I wish you luck and pleasure on your journeys, Laurie. Thank you again for sharing [and, by doing so, encouraging the rest of us to dealwith our own issues. You are right, not everyone struggles with weight, but we ALL have something].

Bless you... Karen

I think you answered your own question about your friend when you wrote that brilliant paragraph asking people to think of their own shameful issue before telling someone to "just put down the fork." The problem is between your friend's ears' too. She is prob talking about it because she can't stop thinking about it.

I've been guilty of it-- complained about gaining 5 or 10 pounds to friends who were larger. The truth is I can get obsessed. But I have a specific policy on this which is: my rich friends are allowed to complain about money. I agree it is insensitive to complain about money to someone who just lost a job, but crises aside, I decided a while ago that if a friend with a lot more money feels insecure, or is worried about remodeling her million-dollar house, I can listen sympathetically. Because she is a separate person from me.

I guess what I am trying to say is this. I try to put the facts aside and listen to the feelings. So whether someone is complaining (possibly insensitively) about five pounds or $50k, what they are saying is usually something like: I am scared. Or, I don't feel like I am at my best, or I don't know who I am right now. You know?

One other thought that others have touched on. I can tell you honestly that I used to make a certain dumb mistake all the time and assume that most women felt great about how they looked. That was my assumption. I felt like my own body dissatisfaction was somewhat unique to me. Does that make any sense? Right now I want ten pounds off me, pronto, but I don't look at every woman 30 pounds heavier and think she needs to lose 40...

Hey Laurie -
Great post today. It really got me thinking. When I was in my eating disorder and really skinny, I totally thought I was fat. You couldn't convince me otherwise. A 2 lb weight gain would send me over the edge. I carried a scale around in my car trunk so that I could weigh myself any time I felt the urge. I had to do that to hide it from my husband because he would not let me have one at home. Anyway, the weight problem is so between the ears. You hit the nail on the head with that one. It is between the ears with everyone - regardless of weight.
It has been a couple of years for me and I've put on weight - a little more than I needed to, but that is ok. I no longer carry a scale around in my trunk or have one under my desk at work. I'm not nearly as obsessed with weight now. I'm more concerned with general health. I'm much happier too. I hope that you reach your happy/healthy goals as well!
Good luck!

I am in the camp of - if she's your friend and she's genuinely upset about it, you should be able to commiserate with her about it. I'm sure you did exactly the right thing in this situation(and I am a larger person with many skinny friends too.)

I kind of draw a parallel my situation a few years ago - in my friendships with a couple of women who were stuggling with infertility, and here I was pregnant and talking about my pregnancy. Well, really, if they were my friends, this should be an OK topic, just as their infertility issues were also an OK topic. (I guess in this example I am the skinny friend, which is making me laugh.) It depends on your level of friendship. One of my friends said, when I was complaining about some aspect of pregnancy, "You're very lucky to be pregnant," and I received that as it was intended and it made me more thoughtful and grateful. Another friend said my pregnancy made her unhappy and she couldn't be around me, and really she hasn't wanted to be around my kids now either, so really, I suppose she wasn't my friend.

I'm not sure if you have time to read all the comments here, but as a very small boned person I have to say, I hate it when my larger friends think I'm really making comments about them and looking for someone to stroke my ego when i say that I need more gym time, or complain about a few new extra pounds.

As someone who is tiny naturally, one of the above posters was right, 5 pounds is a much larger percent of my bodyweight than it is of many of my friends. Also, their attitude in reacting of, oh you don't have problems, I have a problem, I find to be really insulting. my feelings and issues with body image are just as valid as yours, (not you specifically, just in general!) . In fact, I have often wished I were naturally bigger so there wasn't so much perceived pressure to remain skinny. I often wish I felt ok about gaining 5 pounds, but I don't. and I spend 6 days a week in the gym to keep it off. Plus the amount of calories I can eat to stay this size is proportionally smaller than what you can eat to stay the same weight you've always been. I love food. I wish I looked good with more weight, like all curvy and sexy, but I am sooo unhealthy every time I gain, my asthma is only bearable if I keep myself at the weight I was obviously meant to be.

Another poster suggested listening to your friends rant, be as sympethetic as you can, and then asking them what their action plan is, and I think that is a great idea whether your friend is your own size, bigger OR smaller.

I hope you are able to kick the "weird malady" and feel better soon!

As a person who has always been skinny thanks to genetics (dad is a beanpole).... when I hit my 30s and my metabolism started to fail me (I had to start eating healthily and exercising - which was all very foreign to me), I did start to freak out a bit about this newfound fat on my body which probably no one but be could notice, but I sure noticed it! And I spoke aloud about it to some friends who were larger than me... and you could have heard a pin drop in response. That sucked. Like I wasn't aloud to have fears about my body changing. Skinny people certainly feel all the same body-image pressures as everyone else.

That said - yammering on about weight gain all the time is just boring and lame and I can imagine how much more pervasive the topic is in LA.... so good luck holding that middle ground of being a friend without enabling a whiner. =)

If it helps give you hope about your complaining friend - I've gotten over my initial freak out and now think I look fantabulous, it just took a mental adjustment.

So true about the weight being between the ears. I'm working on getting my thought healthy and the rest wil follow.

My fat might be clogging my brain, but a 5 pound weight gain for a person who weighs 100 pounds is only a 5% increase, not 20%.

Anyway, lol, very thought-provoking post. Being overweight really is one of the last acceptable prejudices. It's no easier for an overweight person to work out an hour a day and eat less than it is for someone with OCD to stop washing their hands. Many times it is truly a case of hidden disease - in my case, a thyroid problem that hasn't fully solved itself.

I love your comments and insight about your weight loss goal. I am in the same boat and I think you had some very smart things to say about what overweight people go through. Everyone has an issue....ours is visible.

Regarding your friend who was upset about her 5lb weight goal, I understand how uncomfortable that may have made you feel. It might help to recognize (and it sounds like you do) that to her this is a big deal. As friends, we don't get to (or rather, we shouldn't) judge whether or not feelings are justified. We just have to love them anyway and be understanding of the fact that this *thing* is bothering them. Possibly you could just tell her something like this, "You know, I think you look great, but if this is bothering you, I encourage you to do something about it now. Believe me, I wish I had acted on it as soon as I felt uncomfortable about the first few pounds I'd gained. It's easier to take off 5 now, rather than 50 later. I know this is stressing you out and I totally support you." .....or something like that. Although I have approx. 100 to drop myself, I was able to encourage my friend who wanted to drop 10lbs. by saying something similiar.

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!

P.S. Yay for roasted vegetables. Try zucchini!

Hi Laurie - I know what you mean about a food rut. I have some regular 'go to' meals when all else fails, but they are getting boring too. There is a food show on PBS - Everyday Food - that airs here in NC on Saturday and Sunday. They have some great, quick, healthy recipes. I'll try to attach the link, but I'm not skilled at that :). Enjoy!!

http://www.pbs.org/everydayfood/

I loved your book and I love the honesty of this post. I just started a blog of my own and am realizing how scary it is to put your thoughts and feelings out in the world. So you are one of my heros.

I'm also one of those skinny women who worry about their weight. It seems that we all worry about our weight and that no one feels pretty enough. Intellectually I see that these feelings are non-productive and are dragging me down, but I even after 50 years I can't get rid of them.

If I had back all the hours, days, weeks, and months that I have dedicated to worrying about my weight, I'd have another lifetime.

Any tips on how to rid myself of these stupid, torturous thoughts are always welcome.

Robin

I am a woman of size, (just read Good in Bed for the second time) and I have a sister who is anorexic. When she weighed 90 pounds, in her eyes, she was still fatter than me! Now she weighs exactly 115 and still sees LARGE in the mirror. So, if that is going on in someone's head
they just need your empathy. She may not be looking down at you but thinking you have the same problem with the 5 pounds.

Sounds like you got it right...change the subject or mirror her words. Great start to the month. I tried the fish in the bag recipe...it turned out dry...it looked so great on your site....great camera by the way. Thanks for sharing your life...it helps me everyday.

I recommend the book "Lessons from the fat-o-sphere: Quit dieting and declare a truce with your body". All of it may not be your cup of tea, but there is an amazing section on how to deal with friends, co-workers, etc, who won't stop talking about weight. There's also a lot of information about why dieting doesn't work long term and by the end of it you realise that the fault isn't so much in YOU, as in the OMG-we-should-all-be-thin mentality. It was a real eye opener for me, and I recommend this book to pretty much everyone I meet. Whether they like it or not.

I remember when my little sister, who has always been thin (as opposed to me, always weight struggling), complained about gaining weight, and I was less than sympathetic - she was up to a size 6, which is what I wanted to be back to! She quietly but firmly pointed out that her weight gain was just as hard for her as mine was for me - none of her clothes fit, and her body didn't move the same, nor did it feel the same (bending over and finding parts of YOU where you never were before, etc.). I was shocked and ashamed, and apologized, because of course she was right; just because the sizes I was dealing with were larger didn't mean it wasn't a real problem for her. And it WAS a real problem; she's significantly shorter, and it meant a gain of two or three sizes. That's no trousers or jeans that fit, that's new bras.

That said? If I'm with someone who is tiny, whose weight gain is in the ONE POUND and/or Not Visible vicinity, I've been known to politely ask if they mind tabling their complaints until later or take them to someone else, since I'm significantly bigger than they are, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

A) You have to except and love yourself for who you are right now, extra pounds and all. That's something I struggle with but as I get older, I find it to be easier.

B) Get a dog! Or borrow one. Or go to a shelter on the weekends and walk a few. I'm serious. Since I've had my Corgi I HAVE to walk her every day (I live in New England, so weather permitting) and we walk between 1 1/4 miles to 2 1/2 miles a day (again, depends on the weather). I've dropped weight and lost inches and I haven't altered my eating habits much. It's not even about the weight, it's about how I feel. I have a lot more energy, sleep better and I just all around feel better. Nia is the one thing that's really got me out there consistently. If she isn't walked, she finds her own mischievous ways to get that energy out.

My SIL was calling herself chubby and plus size when she wasn't...and I am. It hurt my feelings. I finally asked her if she called herself plus size, what did she call me? She just looked at me and I said "yes, that's the thought that goes through my mind every time you call yourself plus size." I know she still complains about her weight just not to me :-) Ignorance is bliss! At least in this situation.

I just want to thank you for speaking so openly about your weight issues. I suffer from the same sorts of problems. I know how overweight I am (about 80-100 pounds) and I know exactly what I need to do to lose it. But I don't. I comfort eat. I eat when I'm bored. I do the same routine everyday and I never notice how it's affecting my weight and my health. A health issue has recently brought to light the effect it is having and I have to do better.

So seeing someone who has a similar body structure to me going through the same problems I am is inspiring. Thank you.

Great Post!
I have chronic foot in mouth disease so whenever a skinny friend complains about wanting to lose 5 pounds (I'm working on losing 80 pounds), I usually say "See? I need to lose like, 80 pounds. So I really want to roll my eyes at you right now...but then on the other hand, I feel you. And I know it sucks. And I'm sorry. But hey, you know you can lose it. It's all good. Just don't beat yourself up. It happens."
And THEN I change the subject.
It usually works out okay. :)

In our Brownie troop, we tell all our girls that they have to try new foods at least once because they never know what they will like. I suggest you do the same! I usually do that at most restaurants, too. It drives me crazy that my husband eats the same things all the time and is getting my kids in the same rut, too. It's not healthy to eat the same foods all the time. We all need variety. There could be some fabulous new recipe for a wonderful vegetable that is healthy that may inspire you to improve your life! Look around through some healthy cookbooks for some ideas. Everybody knows you love looking at books!

As far as your skinny friend, tell her your favorite vegetable and move on!

Ah, it is sad when people such as your skinny friend are so egocentric. Wish I could tell you to not let it bother you. You're doing excellent for March! Keep up the good work, babe.

It's fun to think of snappy comebacks, but that person is probably unloading about something that's bothering her and hoping for a sympathetic ear. Active listening can keep you engaged but not defensive: "it sounds like it really bothers you"..."wow, that must be frustrating"..."I can tell you're concerned about this". And just let it run. The conversation will change eventually, I promise.

I don't have anything original to contribute to the discussion that hasn't already been said by the other commentators, so here's a nod of understanding and a hug.

My youngest sister is always thinking she is fat when in fact she looks great and has a terrific figure. She's had this image thing since she was a teen but I don't know where she got it from. I'm a few pounds overweight and whenever she starts complaining about gaining 5 lbs and being fat I am just incredulous. But I always tell her she looks great. I don't really know what else to say.

I'm sorry, that wasn't much help. Just wanted to commiserate with you.

Thanks for this post, Laurie. I will echo the many others and say that I think you are beautiful, full stop. And you know what? I'll bet that's the first thing the majority of people think about you when they meet you, not the shape or size of your body.

I, too, have struggled with body image issues (really, what woman hasn't these days?)--my weight fluctuates up and down about 20 pounds and no matter what healthy activities I engage in, weight gain or loss doesn't seem to be under my control. Finally I decided to try loving myself (corny as it sounds and unfashionable as it may be) no matter what: no matter how I look or feel at any given moment.

I was helped immensely by the Linda Bacon book "Health at Every Size" because reading it allowed me to notice all the negative self talk I engaged in. And it allowed me to acknowledge that probably my body knows what's best for it if I would just listen to it. It decides when to gain/store and when to lose/burn and the wonderful thing is I *don't have to worry about it*, the same way I don't have to consciously try to control my heartbeat. I just have to get out of the way and let it do its thing. Thanks, body!

I am one of the girls that gets upset about 5lbs. When I start going on about how worried I am about my weight my girlfriends usually say something like. Really? Well, don't worry about it, you're totally hot lol That usually works :). Wanted to give you a little perspective though. Not sure if this happens with all petite women but I know it does for me. When I put on 5lbs I jump up 2 pant sizes Im sure jumping that many sizes all of a sudden would freak any woman out regardless of what number the pant size is. So maybe she was just shocked, and if she is petite Im sure she isn't an experienced dieter so probably had no clue what to do. Hope that helps!

Every single woman I know stresses about her weight. An unwanted weight gain, regardless of size, causes stress, and stress is bad.

Why not acknowledge that it's something you're both concerned about? "It's hard to stay healthy, isnt' it?" or "I hate that as women we spend so much time worrying about our size." or "Do you know any men who worry about their weight as much as women?"

Congrats to you! You sound healthy in every way and that's a big accomplishment.

I totally get what you mean about weight issues. Food is many, many things to me and learning to eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full - it's the simplest and one of the hardest things to do.

Have you read Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project? I'm thinking you have. If not, go get it. It's wonderful!

Wow - this brings all of us out of the woodwork, dunnit?

I've been trying to take a HAES (Health at Every Size) approach to people talking about weight, because while I can't change what they say or how they feel, I refuse to participate in conversations about how x lbs = awesome, y lbs = repulsive.

So I tend to just respond with 'well, how are you feeling?' Often, people switch over to how much energy they have, and if they're feeling slow or bloated, sometimes that's what's really bugging them. Other times, people have realized that their exercise regime is making them feel good, even if it's not getting them closer to x lbs.

Hey there. I think this may be my first comment ever here, and I just wanted to say I really like your blog and ... I have no idea how to deal with those conversations either. I have no interest in the size of other people's thighs, and quite strong opinions about people accepting their bodies as they are. I don't force that on anyone, but I hate people forcing the I-hate-this-and-that-about-myself conversations on me.

I have no idea how to handle it ... I usually just change the subject, because I just can't think of anything to say. As you wrote, disagreeing just makes them more vehement about how AWFUL something or other about them is, so it just makes it worse!

Anyway, love your blog, and glad the signing went well!

As someone who was 125 pounds from age 15 to 40 and then ballooned out to 178, I feel your pain. I probably know every calorie in every food, and how many calories you burn for each exercise, the problem is motivation. I will wake up each morning ready to "LOSE THAT WEIGHT" and after a day of crankiness and hunger pangs, I will give in around 7:00 P.M. Oh well, tomorrows another day.:o)

It's perfectly reasonable to tell ultra-thin ladies complaining about being fat that they are crazy and delusional. I just frankly tell them they're not seeing themselves realistically, so we don't need to have that conversation about their 'fatness.'

Maybe they have more specific issues, like, "Even though I'm thin I have cellulite all over the front of my thighs." Even thin people have unsightly parts of their bodies. No one has a perfect body. I can empathize with that. But I do like to remind them that they're off-the-wall nuts if they think they're fat. Then I just change the subject because everyone's better off if we stay in REALITY.

Thank you for this honest post. I injured my back last week and I am now facing the fact that the number one thing I need to do for myself is lose the weight (dear god, how did I get to 227). I'm a comfort eater and I have to control the hunger in my head. Nice not to feel alone.

Perhaps her 5 lbs manifest itself on her "tiny 90 lb body soaking wet" in a way that is much more noticeable to her than your 100 lb weight gain - so she is hyper aware of it whereas you could throw down a few sandwiches, pack on 5 lbs and would you really notice?

Another thought is she may have an eating disorder and her "fishing for compliments" as someone said may be a shout out that she is still maintaining her weight.

You say repeatedly what a lovely woman she is and how much you like her - she doesn't say anything about you weight and may not even consider you to be overweight - she might just want a friendly affirmation that she is still going to fit in her cute jeans.

It is really silly how overweight people think that since we are skinny we don't have weight issues. I don't have an eating disorder, but I certainly know that three pieces of pizza or 6 sodas a day isn't good for anyone - thin or fat.

And you know what? I kind of get tired of being the skinny person in the room when the surrounding company is all overweight - are you to convince me that they ALL have a problem "between their ears"? I don't think so.

Perhaps her 5 lbs manifest itself on her "tiny 90 lb body soaking wet" in a way that is much more noticeable to her than your 100 lb weight gain - so she is hyper aware of it whereas you could throw down a few sandwiches, pack on 5 lbs and would you really notice?

Another thought is she may have an eating disorder and her "fishing for compliments" as someone said may be a shout out that she is still maintaining her weight.

You say repeatedly what a lovely woman she is and how much you like her - she doesn't say anything about you weight and may not even consider you to be overweight - she might just want a friendly affirmation that she is still going to fit in her cute jeans.

It is really silly how overweight people think that since we are skinny we don't have weight issues. I don't have an eating disorder, but I certainly know that three pieces of pizza or 6 sodas a day isn't good for anyone - thin or fat.

And you know what? I kind of get tired of being the skinny person in the room when the surrounding company is all overweight - are you to convince me that they ALL have a problem "between their ears"? I don't think so.

Dear Laurie,
I think you are incredibly brave to open comments on this. I've struggled with my weight all my life and if there is ONE thing everyone (ESPECIALLY women) have is a two bit opinion on it. My self included. But I know how personal it is so I'll leave it alone. I know you are on the right track with the idea that it's all between your ears. I lost alot of weight several years ago when I also decided I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some of it has slowly crept back and it's a constant struggle.
You are a positive energy in this world missy! And a sense of humor is certainly a great tool. You are doing great!

I have to admit I'd take the snippy route and say

" When your BMI comes back as obese you can bitch about being fat, until then shut the heck up "

Or just go make her stand on a Wii Fit board. ;-)

We are who we are and she seems like the kind of person that no mare what you try to say to make her feel better about it, it won't work because she's already decided she's fat, even if many of us would kill for her definition of fat.

I LOVE roasted veggies - especially with a little olive oil and balsamic. I remembered reading your white beans with kale idea, but didn't have an internet connection, so I was sort of winging it. Made it with swiss chard and kielbasa, 'cause that's what was on sale. It turned out great though - I used a lot of garlic in it too...I don't know if the original recipe is supposed to taste like this - mine ended up tasting like pasta fagioli -- but it sure was good.
This winter, I've been rockin' the crock pot with soups - veggie ones, especially. Oh and red beans and rice! Not as low cal, but yum...

Thanks everyone for the comments, comments closed now. Lots to think about! :)