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February 19, 2010

It's like Nashville with a tan.

No tanning today in the city of angels, it's grey and dreary and we even had mist this morning on the 101. Maybe it's more like Nashville than we'd realized. One of the best things about Tennessee weather is that if you don't like it, just wait a few hours and it might change! I went to college in Middle Tennessee and I can't believe how soon after leaving the South I turned into a wimp, acclimated to Los Angeles weather and became personally offended when the sky clouded up. That's the power of perpetual sun.

This is weird, and has nothing to do with anything: Ants. If you live in Southern California you will at some point in your life have an ant problem. The entire region is built on a giant anthill. When I was married we lived in this big house in North Hollywood and had the worst ant problem ever. And in my little house in Encino-adjacent I had problems from time to time, once it rained so hard outside that the ants in the ground all came out and converged on the cement patio, so the whole thing was covered, it was beyond gross. No matter how much you clean, no matter how vigilant you are, if you live here you will get an ant. It happens. I personally declared a holy war against ants and I will do just about anything to eradicate them. I try not to use any poison because of the cats, but I noticed the ants hate vinegar and I will spray them vigorously until my house smells like pickles. Plus it makes the mirrors shiny.

I haven't had any problems at all in my new apartment until this week I noticed about ten ants near the cat food. But the weirdest thing is there is no way to tell where they're coming from. Usually there's a trail and you can find the point of entry and seal it up. This was beyond bizarre, they just appeared randomly with no apparent trail. And just six or ten of them. But where there is one ant there are 12 million, so I've been vigilant, moving the cat food from place to place, confusing the cats and so far avoiding an invasion.

But I'll take California ants any day over the profusion of bug life back in the South, especially my longtime enemy The Horrifying Palmetto Bug. They are gigantic flying roaches, people. They are the Worst Bug Ever, except maybe the camel cricket. Eewwwwww.

I know I have already told this story somewhere, but once when I was about 12, I was living in Louisiana and in the middle of the night I had to get up and go to the bathroom. So there I was just sitting on the pot, half-asleep, and I saw this big long brown thing over by the tub and I thought, "Hmmm, I must have left a barrette in here." I didn't have my glasses on, mind you.

Then the barrette started walking across the floor! I screamed (and woke up the whole house) and I HAD to squash it or something before it attacked but I was in my nightgown and didn't have any shoes on, obviously, and then it started to flap around so I used the only weapon I could find -- a can of Rave Hairspray #4. I sprayed like my life depended on it, until the threat had been neutralized and the bathroom was covered in hairspray and my little brother went into an asthma attack from the fumes. Any time I start feeling full of myself my family likes to remind me of the time I screamed and pitched a hissy and attacked a bug with hairspray and we all had to vacate the house for a while to let it air out.

Good times.


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Mmmm, bugs! Sounds tasty!

Posted by laurie at February 19, 2010 8:42 AM