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March 29, 2009

Top ten nonsense. The part that is funny is that I have not gone missing, just merely insane.

1. I have to produce a manuscript from my nether regions in two days. I am not sleeping. Not because I am writing but because I am praying for earthquakes.

2. Which seems to be working. There was a "swarm" of earthquakes around the Salton Sea last week and just this weekend a whole 'nother swarm near Chino Hills but Lord if you are listening what I need is The Big One, circa now, circa the Encino-adjacent region, no injuries, just massive disruption in manuscript-sending email abilities. Thanks. Love the orange blossoms ... good job on spring.

3. Also is there something wrong in your life when you are praying for a MOTHERFREAKING EARTHQUAKE?

4. Don't answer that.

5. I saw Julie Newmar -- the original Catwoman -- on Saturday and I was like, "Do I know her? Is she my old neighbor from when I lived in Studio City that time?" People, there is something wrong with my celebrometer. Anytime I see someone famous I forget I live in L.A. where famous people grow, and I just think, "Do I know that girl? Did we go to high school together?" which is exactly how I found myself asking Sandra Bullock if we used to work at Disney together one night in a bookstore in Studio City wherein Dweezil Zappa came and rescued her from me, crazy lady, and I was suitably embarrassed. And also, hey, that was Dweezil Zappa!

6. Writing books is a stupid idea. Who does that anyway? Random people just go on amazon.com and pretend to be authorities in litterture and leave their comments about said book with no concern at all to how long that person wrote the book or loved the book or tried REALLY REALLY hard not to suck and because of that now I am hesitant to even say if I slightly do not love a movie because it might get back to the person who wrote it and they will hide under their covers with their cat eating peanut butter from a spoon for a week. NOT LIKE I KNOW OR ANYTHING.

7. I just want to be someone else. Is that so wrong? Like I wanted to be cute little perky Sabrina Bryan when she was on Dancing With The Stars and in luuurve with Mark Ballas and doing cha cha. Or Lindsey Monroe from CSI New York. But I once heard this crazyass theory that if you took a group of people and tossed all their problems out into the open on a hillside and let each person in the group see each other's problems, then you told each person to go out and pick from all the exposed mountain of problems ... each person would run to grab their own bag of crap. Is that true? Are the perfect ones hiding a mountain of problems I would never want to carry around? I do not want to believe this. I do not want your US Weekly tabloid revelations! I want to believe there are people out there living perfect lives!

8. I tried to meditate again. It went like this:

"Ok, I am going to focus on my breathing, in and out. Just sit quietly and breathe. In. Out. Good! In, out. Oh. My leg itches. Is it OK to scratch during meditation? I am breathing. In. Out. And breathing. In and out. And itching. GOT TO SCRATCH. OK! just scratch and get it over with then you can meditate. (scratch scratch scratch yum) In. Out. Breathe. I am meditating! Breathe. Focus on in and out. Exhale. OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO CALL THE DENTIST AND CANCEL. SHIT. Are they going to charge me? Because that stupid ticket for turning right on red which is TOTALLY FREAKING LEGAL was over four hundred dollars and I doubt the cats want to eat ramen noodles all month! MEDITATING SUCKS!!!!!!"

"Breathe in, breathe out...."

9. How is it that when people tell you, "You should be happy that...blah blahblah..." you just start lawyering up and arguing for the insanity defense? It's funny. When someone tells you HOW you should be or feel, it has this weird inversely opposite effect where you start really defending your unhappiness. Why is it so easy for other people to tell you how to be? Is this why monks go off alone in search of solitude?

Makes you wonder.

And finally, a top ten list with ten items!!!!

10. Last week my dad called and said he was converting an airstream trailer into a tamale truck and I said, "Dad! You should get someone to make you a big airstreamy metal sombrero and then you could weld it to the top of the tamale truck!" and my dad was all, "Yes, but we should weld it on top slightly askew, like a sombrero askance..." and in that moment I realized I may never win a Pulitzer but I at least come from a family who all prefer their sombreros welded askance. Or askew. Whichever.

And somehow that was a very comforting thing.

Posted by laurie at March 29, 2009 10:31 PM