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October 30, 2008

Back to the scene of the narrowly averted awkwardness

Early this morning like usual I typed out my little soliloquy and then pressed "publish" and there was no innernet connection at my house all the suddenlike and poof. POOF! There is nothing more distasteful, unless you have this happen right before going to the dentist's office, AGAIN, this time to be drilled upon with great fervor.

Somewhere in my mid-twenties I developed an aversion to the dentist which eventually evolved into a full-blown phobia. Going to the dentist felt scary, just like going to get a checkup at the regular doctor when you already KNOW you're overweight and you already KNOW you shouldn't eat cold pizza for breakfast. But I avoided the dentist for a good while last year and this year I made it my New Year's resolution to go and not wimp out of any scheduled appointments, and there have been many. Many scheduled appointments of pain!! Now I have shiny happy teeth and all my old hippie-era metal fillings have been replaced with some kind of moonman white polymer and I even learned that this alleged flossing thing is all the rage with the kids these days. Who knew.

Finally I am learning that avoiding some things -- like doctors and checkups -- actually causes more anxiety for me in the long run than just getting stuff done. And afterward I feel so proud of myself for just manning up and getting the damn thing over with. Now I'm here and part of my head is numbed up and I had to take half a Xanax to be able to sit it the scary chair like a big girl but mission accomplished, pass the wine! With a straw of course.

Also the nice ladies who run the front office of Dr. Dentist's practice made sure to note on my chart and youknow's chart not to ever schedule us in the same month, so there is now 100% less chance of running into anyone who divorced me! I also took receptionist Mindy some chocolate because, hey, she deserves it for getting me out of the office before said paths collided. (Can you imagine if we had bumped into each other? "Hi, read any good books lately? Um, I mean, hi! Remember me? The one you said you'd love 'til death do us part? Still kicking!!! But talk about a gift in disguise, right? I mean for me at least. I had no idea how awesome it would be to be single again! It was just that whole year of feeling failed and dumped and abandoned really sucked hard. Like when I cried to the pizza guy. Twice. Ah, good times, good times. But book deal, yay me! I totally used a fake name for you, too. Although anyone who knows you probably totally figured it out. OH GOD THIS IS AWKWARD.")

The way I handle social situations with such grace and ease one can only imagine the level of complete verbal puking that could have taken place, none of it attractive. I prefer to look graceful and aloof from afar ... and by "afar" I mean "never in the same time zone." (And I have no idea what I mean by "graceful" and "aloof," I am assuming those are characteristics I will one day develop along with math skills and tallness.)

The irony of delivering a big box of chocolate truffles to a woman who works for a dentist is also totally not lost on me. Hee.

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Also! I cannot wait six more days to have the final election results. I want to know RIGHT NOW. It seems like this election has dragged on for One Hundred Years of Politude and I need it to be over nownownow so I can know once and for all how it's shaking out. I am someone who reads the end of the book when I start getting stressed out about the outcome of a fictional person ... imagine how hard it is for me to not be able to read the last page of this one!

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FINALLY, this week after years and I do mean YEARS of living with potholes that swallow compact cars, some nice men in orange vests showed up in my neighborhood to make work of the road leading to my house. They scraped off the top layers of the street, removing the superficial layer of potholes and leaving the deep, dangerous subcutaneous potholes along with a dusty pebbly surface.

Then they all packed up and left.

I am trying to figure out who to blame this one on. Blame is truly the eagle of the soul, soaring high out of your cloud of fuming anger and landing squarely on someone else's shoulder, then pooping. A lot. The road leading to my house is now like those pictures of poor little villages in Chechnya, only without the widespread rubble and destruction and burning. And without the tanks and terrified masses. Just the really bad roads. OK, it is nothing like Chechnya (thank God the comments are off, please send hatemail to SomeoneElse@someplaceElse.com) but I am leaning toward blaming this squarely on leftist rebels, encroaching anarchists or those nutty people who have moved to California just to say mean things about Californians and push their icky Prop 8 on us. I MEAN REALLY NOW.

I believe in equal rights for all people. Even though I make jokes about marriage and tell stories about divorce (because that is my way!) I had the legal right to have my betrothed experience and I wouldn't change that decision for anything, it made me who I am today. And I can't imagine eliminating that right for any other consenting adult.

Everyone should have the legal right to fall in love and get married and spend twenty grand on a divorce which has to be stipulated three years later to include custody of the dentist! EVERYONE.

Posted by laurie at October 30, 2008 11:06 AM