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September 4, 2008

I cannot imagine why more people don't want to live here

Yesterday New Jersey asked me to define "sig alert." I told him it means there's bad traffic that's worse than usual, like a whole freeway is shut down or something large is on fire. (There is a technical explanation but that is what le google is for.) I also gave him what I thought was a very valid tip: If you are heading toward the freeway and you see more than one traffic helicopter circling around near your on-ramp, MAKE ALTERNATE PLANS.

(begin scene, office location, very beige)

"Traffic is ruining my life," says New Jersey.

"Well," I told him, "this means you are becoming acclimated. It's like base camp at Everest. First you have to get here, which is a trek in itself. Then you test your stamina with the poor circulation of the major freeways during good weather in the summer when school's out. Then as you become more acclimatized, you're able to go farther and longer into the city without dying. Then with the help of a guide and a sherpa you may make it through the holiday driving season..."

"Which begins with Halloween," said my other co-worker. "Halloween is INSANE."

"Oh!" I said, "And don't forget about Daylight Savings Time changing."

"What does Daylight Savings Time have to do with traffic?" asked New Jersey.

"During the long days of summer and fall, people magically forget how to drive in the dark," I told him. "The first Monday after daylight savings time ends is like a traffic parody."

"Now you're just trying to scare me," said New Jersey. "People forget how to drive in the dark? YEAH RIGHT. Next you're going to tell me you have a terrible winter and no one can drive because of all the horrible poor little Los Angeles weather ... it never even rains out here!"

"Uh, I think I hear my phone ringing!"

(end scene)

Posted by laurie at September 4, 2008 8:33 AM