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February 11, 2008

The early warning signs of VD

It starts with red, puffy heart-shaped protrusions in supermarkets and drugstores. It spreads and covers everything in pustules of pink, even the Sunday newspaper is filled with signs of its oncoming pink chocalateyness.

Yes, Valentine's Day is coming.

Now I do not so much mind this holiday, if it can be called a "holiday." While I personally prefer my holidays to come with government-mandated vacation days (love you, O Day of Presidents!) I don't really mind a day devoted to chocolate, especially if that chocolate will all be half-price at Rite-Aid come Friday morning. But I do know that for the drunk, or feline-encrusted, or recently dumped, it can be treacherous. I in fact wrote the book on such treachery. heh. My publicist would like to remind you it makes an excellent Valentine's Day gift. (Hi Kim! Happy Early VD!)

However, there is more than one kind of helpyness for VD. You can try the pink champagne for your sorrows, you can medicate with Reese's peanut butter cups individually wrapped in pink and silver, or you can reach for a nice, warming cup of self-help book such as "I love you ... but I'm not in love with you." Or how about good old fashioned "Men are $$#%\$." Hmmm, maybe that particular author needed to meet up with Dr. Stan and discuss how to "Say Goodbye to your Personality Disordered Individual." (By the way, I totally gave that book to one of my relatives this Christmas. We had quite a laugh over that one, I tell you what!)

Of course, there's Life After Divorce. Some people will even wish you Congratulations On Your Divorce. (No one said that to me, maybe because of the part where I went crazy and tried to tell the pizza guy my life story.) I'm sure the pizza guy was understanding though. I may be able to learn more about the mysterious pizza guy, if I can just finally understand It's A Guy Thing. (Oh poor pizza man of years past, I hope you recovered from being accosted by sadness.)

But as for me, I think I'll face the pinkness and loveyness with my favorite star lady, Astrologer Phyllis and her newest book "Astrology's Secrets to Hot Romance." Mmmm. Hot Romance. Sounds much better than some personality disordered guy thing.

Self-help is a weird, wacky world. I love it. Do you think the rest of the world reads as much self-help as we Americans do? I hope so. In fact, I am thinking my next book should be "Who moved my cheese sandwich that accompanies my Chicken Soup which gives me The Secret to seven laws of highly successful worldwide drankin'?"

Ok, maybe I need to work on the title a little. But I think I am on to something.

ALSO! You could be the proud owner of this full set of strangely compelling books! Yes, it's true, VD isn't just coming, I myself am spreading it via the internet! Everyone who comments today while comments remain open (it's all vaguely mysterious, note to self, find The Secret To Internet) will be entered into a completely random drawing to win all these books, and the winner will be announced tomorrow. So be careful, if you do not want this much self-help, so not hit the send key! And I will sign a copy of my cat-hair book and add it in to the pile. Heck, if I have enough chocolate, I may sign all these books .... I'll sign anything. Hand me the phone book, I'll sign it.

Good luck! May the most in need of self-help win!

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Posted by laurie at February 11, 2008 7:38 AM