Laurie, it's all about finding out who we are, and I wonder if some of us never find out? And what if we didn't, would we never be happy then? Just when I think I know who I am, something happens and I have to start over. I think that's the way life is, you get to have as many do overs as you need until the end. Have a great holiday, girl! You rock!

Maybe it's like the wagon. There is no map. There's just BEING. May this season continue to bring you the hope, light and joy you deserve.

It's good for the push pin to keep moving. When it stops that means it's over.

I loved your post....It made me think and re-examine my life road map. Laurie Have a Wonderful Christmas you deserve it! You Rock!

I am forwarding this post to my husband who one day not too long ago took out his life map and saw he wasn't where he wanted to be 10 years ago and decided that he wasn't happy and left us....No pity, as I am not sad or bitter....I think I am just where I should be and not where I thought I would have like to be!!! I am going to take the dust off my map tonite and look at it closely!! LMAO

Oh my goodness this post is so squarely right on the points I have been pondering lately. When I turned 40 a few years ago I developed an acute awareness that sprang up overnight that life is not limitless, that our time in fact is finite (somehow I didn't get that when I was younger). If I don't like something about my life, I need to change it now. Right now. If not NOW, then when? What was I waiting for? I think that I thought that Happiness would eventually find me if I waited long enough. Now I believe that you are correct...we have to pursue Happiness each day, all along the journey. That it is not a destination after all. You are very wise Laurie -you figured it out years before I did! Here is to happiness TODAY! Cheers!

Laurie, I am so with you on this one. Life isn't a destination, it's a journey!

Have you read "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert? She has much the same awakening, about how she realized that she didn't want all the things she was "supposed" to want and the steps she took to get where she is today. Fabulous book!

First time commenting (finally)...and now I hardly know what to say. Yes, you rock. Hard. Yes, you've 'come a long way', and I'm so proud of you...which is kind of strange and yet wonderful, too, since we don't know each other a-tall. And yes, we've all 'been there', one way or another, and when we recognize that, we can better help each other along.

But what I've wanted to say for ages is this: You're GOOD, girl. REALLY good. Your writing is a pleasure to read--do you know how RARE that is, anymore? Well, hen's teeth come to mind. Just wanted you to know the words themselves are appreciated.

Peace.

Hey Crazy Aunt Purl: I'm proud of you. You finally get the big picture. And you are getting it at such a young age. I'm 22 years your senior and can say "been there, done that". In between point "here" and point "there" is the security of knowing that you are an intelligent, loving, fun, happy adult and you don't have to accept other's opinions or desires for your life. It's your life and I think you've got your act pretty well together. As a caveat--family members will always think they know what is best for your life because they can't under-stand you being happy without all the "normal" accoutrements. Hell, my mother is 92 and she still is trying to get me married off for the 3rd time. I just smile and let her think she's right.

Laurie, isn't it interesting where life takes you? I too had a road map with push pins of milestones I was supposed to hit along the way. After my happy ever after marriage went sour, leaving me a single mom, my life push pins changed.
I think every phase of life, every day of life, can be a "milestone" of some type. You can chose either to be happy or not be happy. Make the best of things that happen to you. Life is what you make it.
I hope you have a great holiday season. You have had some awesome experiences - who would have guesed you would have done all the public speaking you have done this year? And gone to all the wonderful places you did this year?

I think many of us go through this realization and it feels very comforting to know that others are learning similar things. Learning that happiness comes from within me and that it's not based on societal norms and expectations and other people's goals has been the most profound experience of a difficult situation I've been in for a few years. Thanks for sharing this.

Hi, I've been a silent reader for a long while...
I just wanted to say, I've been feeling the same way- upheaval has been a way of life lately. And my constant mantra is "I am where I am, and that's okay." It seems so little, but it's everything. The present is really all we have, and if I keep looking into the distance, and say, I'll be happy when I accomplish that thing, then I'll never be happy, because there's always something more. So, I'm making peace with where I am. I'm embracing the gap. I'm saying, life is good, and this moment is good, and right here, I can find things to be happy about. Because I will never finish, I'll never get it done. I'm finally okay with that.

I think this may be my favourite post of yours. With the possible exception of the Wilson Phillips earworm.

Cheers to liking being in your life. And thanks for letting us come over and join you.

Kris -- I think I surprised myself most of all. I had no idea I could do it, and beyond that I had no idea I could do it and enjoy it.

To Liz in IN, thank you!

Thank you Laurie, You have no idea how you have opened up my eyes today.

I am "there". After many years of rearranging those pins on my map. Either me moving the pins, or someone else moving them for me. I'm where I always wanted to be and you made me open my eyes and realize it!

Thank you....

Thank you....

thank you...

This brings up a lot for me. First...one of my clients relayed a saying to me that she resonated with..."if you have one foot in the past and one in the future then you are pissing on the present." Mind you, she's young and, to her, it's funny. But it's actually so true. Living in the present and appreciating what have in the here and now is so valuable.

The other thing this brings up is a laminated sheet that I bought at a recovery store. I have it up in my kitchen and read over it once in a while to remind myself of these important things. It's called "Rules for Being Human" and rule #6 is "THERE is no better than HERE....When your 'there' has become a 'here' you will simply obtain another 'there' that will, again, look better than 'here'". Well said. Great blog today. Thanks! :O)

Once upon a time my husband and I lived in half of a two-family house with a tiny back yard (smaller than yours, as best I can tell) in a so-so neighborhood, and a coworker asked me how I could stand it. I've learned to be content with what I have, I said. (And there were things I hated about that house, but also things I loved.) She told me that in her opinion that's something you're born with or not, rather than something you can learn.

In my observation that was true for her, but it's not true for you. And a huge brava to you, Laurie, because I know all too well that it's not easy, and I have to rededicate myself to it all the time.

You are exactly where you're supposed to be.

what a wonderful reminder of the journey we're all on. that it's not about the "there" but about the here.

i'm gonna take a break, and enjoy my here and now a little more.

thank you.

Sometimes you get to THAT point in life that you've always wanted and life throws you a curveball. I just finished making Gingerbread cookies. I know it doesn't sound very profound but it's the first time I've done that since my mother (the Christmas Cookie Queen) died in 2003. I have a stack of all of her recipes with her notes in her handwriting and every year I try to bring myself to bake some of them and I just can't. This year I decided that I have to honor her by making those damn cookies. I cried while measuring and mixing and baking but I made those damn cookies and I made them for HER. My grief lifted a bit and I felt thankful for her and her Christmas cheer and made her cookies for her beloved granchildren. A little taste of Grandma Em. I can't wait for my sweeties to get home!!

Laurie, you are doing so well. I know I say it all the time but I am truly so proud of you. I know I couldn't have handled the past few years you've had with nearly as much grace, love and understanding. I wish you a continuation of the wonderfulness that 2007 has brought you. To quote Ricki Lake, "you go girl!!"

Laurie, you are such a sweet creature. I am so glad that you write so honestly for us. Thank you.

I learned at the tender age of 23 with the death of my mother that life never turns out the way you think it should, but...it turns out ok. Life happens, it keeps us on our toes and while it is happening, hopefully we become who and what we are truly suppose to be.....

"Here" is okay and the Valley is okay! I have lived 67 years and I am still trying to figure it out. The beauty of push pins is that they can be pulled out and moved!
Thank you for this post. It is something we all need to remember - I want to be who I want me to be, NOT be someone I think others think I should be. I live with me 24/7 and most only breeze in and out of my Valley!

I remember that heart-breaking post from circa-2005 Christmas, and I just want to say how happy I am for you that you're happy. I knew only time could bring you healing.

They say that great art comes from great suffering. Your art -- your writing, came out of the most painful period of your life, and look at that -- the product of your suffering -- your writing, has brought you to one of the happiest periods of your life. Amazing how that works!

I think happiness has less to do with a twirling-in-circles blissfulness and more to do with quiet contentment in our current situation, whatever it may be. Again -- I'm so glad you've found it. I've been rooting for you ever since I first started reading you.

you are a bona fide genius.
Right now, my map is crumpled up in the glove compartment, neglected and needing to be refolded and repurposed.I just have to figure out the how.
we got an inch of snow yesterday and all the idiots came out to play.I totally get the traffic frustration. ;)

You know, where ever you go, there you are.

I've learned recently that life isn't the mileposts you think of when you're growing up. It's all the little things that happen in between that you really never anticipated.

After all, if you spend your entire life wishing you were somewhere else, how can THAT be happiness?

Exactly, exactly!! I used to keep a mental list of my own plot points and the happiness I'd earn when I reached each one. But I've gradually realized, like you said, that you have to make your own happiness along the way, along each journey. What good is life if we're forever trying to reach some goal in the future and forget to live in the here and now? What if we, heaven forbid, die before we get to that point, having squandered our precious moments in the present? I wouldn't want to leave this world with regrets like that. Life is what we make it and we have a choice in either living well or being miserable and/or discontent and missing what life has to offer us now, right here where we live.

Wow, what a thought provoking post this morning!

I reached my destination (or thought I had) in a surprisingly short time, having met Mr. Right, married and born three children by the time I was twenty-five. For a while I thought I'd run out of map. I can remember thinking that I'd already experienced all the big events in my life--graduation, marriage, children, house--and that from then on there'd be nothing "big" to look forward to. This observation--naive, to say the least--was made with a vague sense of diappointment, even though I didn't regret my life choices so far (and thankfully still don't). I couldn't help wondering, "Was this it, then? Was this all there was?"

Of coure, it turned out that I had not yet reached my final destination at all, only one of many stops along the way. Although the core of me has remained the same, I have grown and changed as I've journeyed through my life, all the while becoming increasingly more comfortable with myself.

There is a Bryan Adam's song that goes: "Here I am; this is me; there's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be". This has become my mantra, only I've rewritten the last line to read, "There's no-one else on earth I'd rather be". This is not to say that I am always entirely satisfied with my life but I've come to accept that "I yam what I yam" and only I have the ability to control just what that is.

'At my very first Q&A session after the reading in Los Angeles, a lovely young woman in the audience asked me about happiness. She asked, "How do we find happiness if we're not married, don't have children, when we are single women of a certain age...?"'

If she read "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" she would know.

http://www.amazon.com/Singled-Out-Singles-Stereotyped-Stigmatized/dp/0312340818

Amen!!!!!

Amen to that. I may not be doing exactly what I thought I'd be doing with my life at the age of 26, but I think I'm doing pretty well at following my dreams one by one, as opposed to all at the same time. All I've got to do is walk 5 minutes in any direction in order to remember I'm in London, I'm so proud of myself, and I love it here!

ps we need pictures of this year's War Of Christmas!

I'm just putting up my new tiny little tacky Christmas tree with all the decorations I have gathered on my travels (they make really good tacky souvenirs). Now THAT makes me happy.

I've never lived my life by plot points...some may say that a lack of ambition, but I just prefer to think of it as "one day at a time thinking".
It's almost completely stress free!

The secret to happiness during the holidays was a shock for me to discover. I'd always thought that one had to have the perfect house, the perfect present, the perfect gift-wrap, appropriate holiday music, etc. But I one day I realized that is is all just marketing CRAP!

If you've ever seen the movie "The Jerk" with Steve Martin, he nails this perfectly. His character thought he would be happy with the perfect drink, the one with the little umbrella in it.. But when he finally "arrived" and was able to afford it, he just looked confused and sad.

The holidays can be like this. Our childhood memories run head-first into the reality of bills, laundry, kids, and life. We want to leap back into our vision of "the perfect Christmas", but, guess what? Just like the little umbrella in Steve Martin's drink, "perfect" is a fantasy. An illusion, like Brigadoon. You can see it shimmering in the mist, but it floats away in a cloud of reality whenever you try to grab hold of it.

The solution for me was to create my own holiday tradition. Go to the beach, visit an amusement park, fly a kite. Dance like nobody is watching.

Do something very "un-Christmas-like" and you'll feel liberated and oh so much alive. And then next year, guess what? You'll want to do that wacky thing again, because you had such a good time doing it this year! :)

After 40 years, I finally discovered that I was responsible for my own happiness. It doesn't come from a box, bag or gift. It comes from loving the life that you are living, and appreciating those you care about.

Thanks for the writing, Laurie. You really have become the voice for many of us.

"Laurie, Version 2" is robust, capable, and, at long last, ready for the public.

You rock!

And then, there's the Nikki's of the world. Those who have no map. I have no push pins. I just sort of go with it. what IT is and where ever IT takes me and how IT all happens is beyond me and beyond my control, for sure. I was never the 8 year old girl dressing her barbies in wedding gowns and dreaming of perfect weddings and making babies. Infact, I never really gave getting married much thought until my husband proposed to me. and even now, I'm still a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl. I've lived in 5 or 6 different states, went to so many schools I can't remember how many exactly, and sometimes, when I tell a story of my past, I can't always remember what state I was in when it happened.

But I think I do alright, for someone with absolutely no clue of whats going on!!!

then again- I'm only 25. Maybe the day I turn 29 (or whatever!) it'll all just become completely clear to me. But if not, I'm pretty sure I'll survive.

My BFF and I are at the "How did we get here?" points in our lives and it's not at all what we thought it would be. Not in a bad way, but at the same time not what we thought it would be or was "supposed" to be. Your post kind of hits the nail on the head so to speak. Thanks for posting this more eloquently that I could have said.

It's so hard to remember that it's the journey that is worth living for when we've been conditioned to run toward the goal. (Or at least we did in my house when I was growing up.) So my questions are rhetorical... How does one learn to enjoy the journey? How does one learn to slow down and enjoy the sights? How do we do it?

this hits the nail (pin?) on the head for me. i feel as though sometimes i can't even find the freaking valley, i've dropped the map in the creek and the bottle of bourbon is running low. this whole life thing is h.a.r.d. thanks for posting this. it made me nod my head and say "uh-huh".

Sheila -- I am also one of those folks who grew up running toward the goal.

Everyone is different, so obviously there are folks here who, as they say, either don't have a map and don't want one or who don't subscribe to the push-pins theory :)

But for me, I was VERY BIG ON THE MAP IDEA. I still am. So I am trying each day to remember to make today -- right now -- really the best it can be instead of waiting for tomorrow (or hoping for a better future). That sometimes means very small things. Tiny gestures that seem insignificant. I also think it puts you on the right path, this idea of finding things right-here-right-now to like, and doing more of those. It gets you focused on stuff that is happy and good and positive.

I haven't let go of my goals. I just can't wait until I achieve them to begin liking my life, you know? Little things. I found a tea I really like so I enjoy mornings more. I am not so much fond of commuting, so I am learning a language on audio CD while I knit, which makes me feel happy and also makes the commute less awful. That sort of thing. Trying to take what is right now not changing (i.e. my awfully long commute) and make it the best it can be. No .... it's not ideal. But it's happier right now.

Or that's what I got so far, anyway. LOL

Thank you.. i needed to hear that today. So-your writing is a gift, and your sense of humor and perspective are a gift. And I am thankful to you.

at this time of year, not only do i have the holidays to contend with but also another birthday and so i do a lot of navel-gazing and thinking about my past and my future and where i am in relation to where i think i should be, etc. and that's never good. i find that if i think too much about my past -- opportunities missed -- should i have had kids or not; or i think too much about my future -- getting old, burying my parents -- i become very sad and anxious. but if i think about my present -- my life as it is right now, the day to day, the fun of spending time with friends and family just hanging out, playing with wool, taking pictures -- that's when i'm my happiest.

you've come a long way girl. and i'm proud of you.

It took me a lot of years and a lot of heartache (and beer) to finally see that it is not the destination, but the trip on the way to the destination. I try to focus on that daily - sometimes with great success, sometimes not so much.

Excellent posting & I love the valley as your metaphor--so appropriate. And as they say, it is the journey not the destination.

Oh CAP. Now I'm singing Wilson Philipps greatest hits in my head (and I can only think of 2 songs in addtition to "Hold On").

I am going to sing to you...ahem...

Have I told you lately that I love you?

OK, I will stop. But really, like all of your other faithful and doting readers, I love you, Laurie.

I put a push pin in for every damn step along the way, because those are all steps that knit the fabric of who we are and who we become along the way. I live in the midwest and it is a long way to either side of the valley, so far that I can't see either side. Does that mean I have lost my way? Hell no. My way is today, here and now.

Somebody loves you in Minneapolis, but you already knew that.

I read your blog regularly and just ordered your book (yay finally, yes) and really extra loved this post.

A lot because you talk about being a woman without kids and how that *might* be OK and also because the "in between" parts of life are important and no one really cares about them. It's all about The Next Big Thing and my mom asking me if I'm there yet.

Well, damnit, I like the in between parts. Because the only end point is, you know, The End, so what's the big rush anyway?

And it's all the in between times when we build our true character and find out what we're really made of. Not that I loved living on $.13 a week for years while I was working my way up, but I know I can do it if I have to, and that is empowering and makes me less of a wimp now when things don't go right.

Anyway, this comment is now more like a soliloquy and I used a lot of special characters, but let me just say, "You're right" and also, "Happy Holidays" in whatever way you chose to celebrate. Me? I'll be getting drunk with The Mister and walking through the neighborhood making fun of our neighbors ugly ass lights.

Cheers!

Good post today - I've done this whole who was I, who am I, who do I want to be map scenario in my head a zillion times. The whole road not taken idea. You think of being 36 and not having kids and not being married and not owning a home as some of those roads. I did do all those things (in fact I've done all of them more than once) and yet here I am at 50 and for the last couple of years I've been looking back and seeing the roads I didn't travel. I didn't pursue my art, or my writing, or my degree. I started off in several major career directions and had life pull the pavement out under my feet and there I sat in the dust on my ass and had to dust myself off and go back to the path I was already on. You look at 36 and think "is it too late to get from here to there" perhaps. I think the same thing standing over there and wondering if I can go the other direction.
Another thing I've just realized is that I've collected all sorts of goals throughout my life. About six years ago I realized that some of them, even some of my favorite ones, were simply never going to happen. I spent a painful year or two setting them by the side of the road and walking away from them. But I still carried with me the ones I had left. And then something completely unexpected happened. I went on a month long trip overseas, something that wasn't even on the first ten pages of my "things to accomplish in life". And, to make a long story short, I was CHANGED. I came back home in shock that maybe, at this late stage of the game, I could want to set all my cherished goals down and find completely NEW ones. Life had taken me in unexpected directions before, that wasn't the unexpected thing. It was the idea that I might choose to change directions not because of some outside catastrophe but because I found unexplored directions INSIDE myself. You think you know the map of your ownself purty darn well by this age and then something happens and you find that the map was all folded and you were only seeing a tiny part of it and there's all this unexplored stuff and WOW.
I don't have any answers. I think the only important answer is something about balancing living in the moment (so you don't miss it even as it's happening) with planning for the future (so you don't get there with only two bits in your pocket and nothing fun to wear). I suspect that even if one finds that balance, the balancing point, the best fulcrum to power your life, keeps changing too.
Well, I rambled on enough. Thanks for the the great food for thought. I think I'll go get some chocolate now to finish off the meal.

If we make it to the other side, the other mountain, what then? I definately believe that happiness is not a state of completion but of little moments. Recognizing those little moments help me get through the not so good ones. "This too shall pass." Merry Christmas, Laurie!

Time heals all wounds....and time wounds all heels....

Another post to make me think. I have found holidays to be easier when I expect less of them. I used to get very upset because I didn't have big plans for the fourth of July, or whatever. Now I just enjoy the long weekend, and have a lot less anxiety. Laurie, thank you so much for continuing to write. I'm so glad I found your blog.

What a great post.

Don't get me wrong, I love my kids (well, er, most of the time, when they are not trying to prove that they can be bigger pains than drivers in LA, *grin*) and my husband. But, oh, Laurie, there are days I am SO envious of you and all the other single, no kids, women... Like when I am surrounded by 9 squeaky Brownies, who all want my undivided attention, and don't know/care that I just had the longest day ever and I'm up to my elbows in "make-up" work for all my classes because I missed two weeks of school to have my gall bladder out, and oh, would you please watch where you put those sharp elbows I'm still healing, and finals are next week and I don't know what I am fixing for dinner when me and my Brownie get home or how late my husband's Grinchy boss is going to keep him tonight, and all I really want to do is curl up with a glass of something stronger than koolaid and read book just because and not because I have a quizz over it to make up.

Gasp...

Sorry World, I may be a bit over stressed at the moment. Please check back sometime after Valentines day. Thanks!

Oh my you have really come a long way my dear. Good for you!

Loved the Knitpicks interview.

P.S. More cat pictures please. I'm going through withdrawal.

Laurie, I love to read your blog because I feel like sometimes you really read my mind. I'm 26, newly divorced, no longer a home owner, and sometimes I feel so...adrift in my own life. Like I know what I want and how I want my life to be, but I'm not sure how to get there. I think the uncertainty about everything is what scares me the most. But reading your book and your blog really help me to realize that I'm not the only one in the world that feels like this and maybe I need to redefine what it is in my life that makes me happy. And also, stop judging myself so much by how other people feel about me. Thank you so much for being an inspiration, I know that I don't know you, but you've really been a lifesaver for me!

At 35 I had two kids under the age of two and I realized I'd done the job, marriage, house, kid thing. I didn't have any other goals for myself.

I've been heads down raising my kids for 15 years now and I'm just looking up. I've not made the million dollars, or able to drive the fancy car. My priorities are so different. My eye is on children's map pins, and the fact that they have grown from kids into people I like to be with.

Someday I'll have to spend a little more time looking at my map pins. It seems mind boggling that I'm 50. Wasn't I just 36?

Traffic around here has been pretty bad of late. I end up yelling very unladylike things in my car. It has been raining all day and I know that it will be even worse tonight. Give me strength.

Thank you for that, Laurie! I am between here and there-getting ready to move to another city because my daughter is there, and hoping that I will find the happy. Thanks for reminding me that it's "not a destination but a day to day job." That was a brilliant and timely statement, and it just might get me through the crazy.

Wow, very very deep and extremely insightful post. I've been a very loyal reader for awhile now....even though I don't knit myself, my friend does and she directed me to your blog. Are you sure all you do is drink? Ever "puff puff give" (quote from the movie Friday)? B/c some of your posts are so deep in meaning - and that's when I get the deepest. Regardless, you are extremely talented and I look forward to reading your blog every single day. I wish you'd make it out here to SC or close to so I could come meet you. I have a few single guy friends who would love to meet you too...one who even loves cats!!

Wow, I had some similar thoughts last night about how we have to seek our own personal happiness with what we have. It can be so easy to think that if we had x,y,z we would be happy, but it 's not true. I think we have to learn to be happy with what we have right now (even without the "missing" things like husband, kids, home, etc.). It is SO about the steps you take, not the destination, because once you get to x,y,z, it's never exactly what you expected. Thanks for the thoughtful post (and yes, more cat pics, please! perhaps some christmas-themed cat pics?).

Laurie - lovely post. You were a good writer, but your experience writing your book has really honed your innate ability. I love your blog.

A friend of mine's senior quote was, "Happiness is a conscience choice, not an automatic response."

I don't know where she got it, and at 18 I thought it was silly, but now that I am older, I realize how very true it is.

My girl, I hope you have already discovered that your words resonate on so many levels with so many people - maybe we should just admit it: we ARE a tribe! And we rule!

Ah, you make me quote the Dalai Lama:

"There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way."

(from _The Art of Happiness_)

Ah, you make me quote the Dalai Lama:

"There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way." (from _The Art of Happiness_)

He's obviously never experienced LA (or Bay Area) traffic.

Laurie,
I spent up until about last year thinking the same things, and frustrated that I was "36 dammit, and when do I get a real dining room table? When do I get to travel? When do I get to feel finally, blissfully, settled in life?"

Well, my personal feeling after much discussion with a VERY good friend over much wine (because nothing goes with philosophy like merlot) is that the "there", well, that's the end. The last breath. The final day. It's the pinnacle. The valley is the journey to "there" and it's up to us how we make the journey through the valley. I love that saying about wanting to slide into heaven out of breathe and saying "wow, what a ride" (totally paraphrased here, of course...) but here's the thing...the only way you're going to be able to do that is by finding out what makes it a great ride FOR YOU.

Someone else's seat-of-the-pants life may be WalMart on a Saturday afternoon. Mine is totally different, and I'm finally ok with that. I don't need the brand new table or the backpacking across Ireland. It would certainly be wonderful, but I'm not going there right now. So, we have crazy Halloween parties with friends, we drink too much wine on Friday nights, we pack up our cars and drive to the mountains with our kids for a day of snow....we find insane fun in mundane things.

Don't be in a hurry to get to the "there". But when you do get there, make sure you can say "I made the most out of everything I was given".

:)
Cheers!

One day about 15 years ago, on a backpacking trip, I realized that every material thing I really NEEDED could be carried on my back.

I had sat down to hang my legs over a rock, shrug off my pack and admire the waterfall for awhile, and I had made a little fire and boiled some water for tea and lunch. I sat on the rock knitting a sock, and I had that metaphorical moment of angelic singing and clouds parting and a light beaming down into my head. I had a cup of hot tea, cheese and bread. I had something to knit. I had clothes, food, water, bedding, my journal and shelter, all in a backpack. I had everything I truly needed.

Aside from family, friends and pets, of course -- those we need for the love. And although they were not with me at that exact moment, I knew they were waiting for me. And of course that presents the obvious conclusion that you can carry everything you REALLY need on your back and in your heart.

I was not looking for an epiphany that day, but I had one anyway. That was the day I stopped worrying about where I was on Success-O-Meter. I did NOT go home and become perfect that day, or any day since. But I did go home knowing that it simply did not matter if I reached Life Goal Number 37 by the time I was 35, or Life Goal Number 84 by the time I was forty. as long as I appreciated what I had, every single day. It's not always easy but it has made me feel much less crazy in this world.

And you know what? That map really should be a boating chart. On land, you can plonk one foot in front of the other and get from point A to point B eventually. But on the water? Man, you can THINK you're heading from Point A to Point B but between the tides and tailwinds and undertows and rip currents, you very often end up at Point X instead, without having any earthly idea how you got there.

And also? You can tump your canoe over.

Thanks for the fantastic post today.

:-)

I found my prince, got married, bought the castle and had the perfect baby and one day realized that I was not, in fact, living happily ever after just because I had ticked off those Must Do Things. What happens after the fairy tale finishes and we find ourselves not kissing with a sunset backdrop? When our knight in shining armour annoys us so much we want to put a pillow on his head while he sleeps? When the moat traps you inside instead of protecting you from the outside?

We learn to write our own story. And slay our own dragons!

Have you read the little book "The Precious Present" by Spencer Johnson?? One of my daughters gave it to me last year for Christmas and said "Momma--I think you have this figured out!" One of the best compliments I've ever had. It took a good part of my journey to realize I had the "Precious Present", but once you "get" living in the present, it makes the journey worth taking--wherever it leads you. laurie--you may feel old sometimes--but I have a daughter the same age as you and you got "the precious present" a lot sooner than I did. Enjoy it and have a great holiday season!!

I found myself pondering something similar a few years back, when I realized that I spent every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and a good portion of Friday wishing for the weekend, it finally occured to me that I was wishing more than half of my life away. I've since learned to find the little bits of each day that I can make my own and as a result I just take each day as it comes and use the time I have to the best of my ability. Some days that works better than others, but the effort is what counts :)

Laurie, I just love the posts where you show how you are a thoughtful and deep thinking woman. Don't get me wrong, as a Southern Woman, I appreciate shtick and I have two cats and I like my wine. But these posts where you wear your spiritual growth are just... golden. What a wonderful, kind, generous and lovely soul you are. And funny. Did I mention funny? Thank you for sharing your road.

Barb

Laurie, sweetie, it's all about the JOURNEY. Screw the push pins, just take the map, put it on the wall and throw a dart (or two) in the general direction that looks interesting. Then start having fun planning and executing the journey itself. Cuz I can guarantee you that, if you don't have fun and experience enthusiasm traveling from point A to point B, you won't be happen if and when you reach point B. You'll just be tired and cranky and wondering why the hell you bothered.

Think of all the cool pictures you've taken from your jeep on your commute to work. The funny ones, the weird ones, even the scary smokey ones. You've had more good stories and pictures from there than you've taken and posted at work. Same with your knitting on the bus. Think of all the stuff you wouldn't have created if you didn't have the time just *going* somewhere. Life is sorta like a commute. We can use the time to create something cool or we can use the time fretting about Mr. Lousy Hygiene in the seat in front of us. Your blog is great and it's all about the stuff you see and think and feel ON THE JOURNEY. Enjoy.

laurie, somehow you can always manage to put how i feel into words. well, i can put how i feel into words too, just you dont end up sounding like your favorite food is crack on a stick. i love your blog, its been my friend since my divorce last year, even when i dont shower and smell, it still associates with me. i think you rock, so keep on rockin'.

i'll just say bravo, well said, and thanks.

mckay

So so so so true. In a back-asswards way it reminds me of a comment I heard at a wedding reception (from one of the other guests): "I wasn't happy, I only thought I was". Uh, if you think you're happy, AREN'T YOU? Clap your hands if you know it! I guess we really are as happy as we make up our minds to be and there's no real reason not to rejoice in little bits of happiness or to feel cheated that they're not one of the great big milestones of happiness that so many of us have been trained to expect.

Hola!

Short-time lurker, first time poster.

I'm a blogger from Denver and at a recent Denver Blogger get-together, one of my buddies said that YOUR blog was her fave new find! Ohh! So I had to swing by to check it out.

I truly admire your spirit and love your blog. I was born and raised in SoCal (represent!) and I hear ya on the traffic. And I don't miss it or the smog one bit.

Ironically, today (7 Dec) is the anniversary of my divorce. I am here to tell ya that life after divorce can be amazingly wonderful. Happy, content, thrilling, fun.

And I don't have a new husband. Kids? Yuck, never wanted them. So I guess by societal standards I should be bummin', but I am so not cause I've never been this happy in my life.

You have a wonderful blog and a matching wonderful outlook on life. Enjoy the ride...cause that is where you'll find the happiness.

One more thing. Thanks to YOU, I bought a bag of Cheetos this week. My former fave snack in the whole wide world. They are almost gone. So thanks for that :-)

Kath :-)

What a nice post, Laurie. The older I get the more I realize - The Joy is in the Journey. There really is no destination - just the journey. One wonders sometimes, why does it take so long and why is it so hard to come to terms with that. I'm old enough to be your Mom and I'm still coming to terms with that!

As the saying goes, "Life is a journey. Enjoy the ride." It may be cliche, but it's very true. It's easy to have days, months and years pass by in the anticipation of getting to the next milestone, goal, whatever, but do you want to get to that milestone and realize how much living you've lost waiting?

This is my first comment to your blog. Have enjoyed your journey but this last one is the first one that made me cry. Loved it. We all need to enjoy the journey, not the distination. Human nature is so hard to change but you are an inspiration to us all. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
PS I started reading your blog because of knitting.

So, a good friend of mine told me once, "You don't need to know where you're going, you just need to figure out the next step." It's wise advice, because it's a theory that completely removes that "you want to be here" push-pin on the map. It removes an unreasonable, arbitrary "you will be happy when..." point and forces you to think about the now and what it takes to be happy now. Since I've started internalizing that advice, I've found myself much happier. And birthdays don't freak me out like they used to...it used to be that a birthday was a regular reminder that I am another year older, but no closer to my "you want to be here" plot point. Now, they are a reminder that I am increasing in wisdom, and a time for me to contemplate just how wonderful things are now. It's great! :-)

you know laurie, the more i listen to friends talk about 'growing' and 'working on themselves' and 'centering themselves' and 'getting it together', the more i realize that many folks hold onto self-helping as another valley. I'm not talking about reading books or understanding yourself or actually 'getting it together'. I think that is the most important thing in the world. I'm talking about talking about it/working on it all the time. They are trading 'being happy' for 'working on happy'.
Sometimes i think that it really is as zen as 'be happy' as much as possible, when you remember to remind yourself. i think, eventually, that happy just happens.

I have a friend right now who is working so hard at 'getting it together' that she is wrapped up in this bubble of talking and talking and talking about all the 'work' she is doing on herself. She doesn't seem any happier. And she's not. She's got this vision that if she works, then 'someday' she's going to be happy. It's so hard to listen to her. I just want to tell her to stop trying to be happy and just 'be happy'. stop thinking and analyzing everything. let go of all the drama. Do you think this is unreasonable?

My husband announced he wanted a separation over Thanksgiving because he wanted to date another woman. This post (and your book) are helping me through.

I know what you mean about people forever perceiving you as a particular age. We have a family friend who in my mind is perpetually 4 years old, dragging his blankie around. Of course, he's all grown up and has served in the United States Navy (I'm assuming he went without the blankie).

I gave up Xmas a long time ago. I don't buy gifts and I don't accept gifts. I donate money to charity (this year's charity is "Give A Day's Pay to AIDS") and we are having a housewarming this weekend to celebrate the completion of our renovations. :)

I am boycotting the firm's Xmas party and all luncheons. I am staying away from the malls and I'm hopping on a plane to Mexico on December 25. I'm through with all the marketing BULLSHIT that tells us we have do certain things on certain days of the year.

Cherish your friends and family year round. Give gifts when you feel like it. Send cards when someone needs a lift. Don't get sucked in by the media or the retail monsters or Entertainment Tonight. Pick your own heroes: Laurie, you're one of mine!

Oh hell. I threw the map away and got GPS. That voice telling me where I am and how many miles to the next turnoff keeps me company. And I really like how it gives me alternate destinations in case I miss my turn. Want kids but can't have any for whatever reason? Then go volunteer somewhere where you can be surrounded by the little anklebiters. The perfect job? Either make over the one you have, or spend some quality time looking for it. Don't just sit there and bewail your lot. Nothing is ever going to be the way you THINK it should be. It's going to be the way it IS, and you can either accept it and go with it, or fight it your entire life. And for me? The path of least resistance isn't interesting enough, and I'm tired of fighting. So my GPS keeps blurting "next stop 5 miles" and "construction detour ahead". And I wouldn't have it any other way. Blessings of the universe on you and yours.

Oh hell. I threw the map away and got GPS. That voice telling me where I am and how many miles to the next turnoff keeps me company. And I really like how it gives me alternate destinations in case I miss my turn. Want kids but can't have any for whatever reason? Then go volunteer somewhere where you can be surrounded by the little anklebiters. The perfect job? Either make over the one you have, or spend some quality time looking for it. Don't just sit there and bewail your lot. Nothing is ever going to be the way you THINK it should be. It's going to be the way it IS, and you can either accept it and go with it, or fight it your entire life. And for me? The path of least resistance isn't interesting enough, and I'm tired of fighting. So my GPS keeps blurting "next stop 5 miles" and "construction detour ahead". And I wouldn't have it any other way. Blessings of the universe on you and yours.

Laurie, I just love you and your self-helpy-ness. My push pins all fell on the floor ten years ago when my first husband left me and the two teenaged kids. It took me awhile to figure out how to rearrange those push pins, but it was a time of self-growth, finding out who I was, and somehow I muddled through and it all worked itself out. Working as a social worker for the disabled and frail elderly for the last seven years has given me a new perspective on life. Enjoy life while you can, and don't put your life on hold for that magical "someday" or you miss out on a lot. (Someday may never come.) Live life so you will have no regrets. As Ram Dass said, "Be Here Now". At the age of 52 I feel content, and I am grateful for all I have in life, especially my family and friends. I am trying to learn to let go more and more, because in the end, we have to let go anyway. This will be the first year that I will not buy a Christmas tree and I will not be decorating the house. I feel so liberated, because I don't feel obligated to do things just to please other people any more. I guess it sort of comes with age, and I'm embracing it! Thanks for your post, it is most insightful.

Bah, nervous breakdowns and general feelings of ickiness and despair are normal for this time of year. Holiday stress plus the changes in the weather (grey may be flattering, but it's not a cheer-up color, unless it happens to be furry. And purring.) mean that you're just going to feel rotten during this so-called jolly season. That said, I love the opportunities to publicly make and consume baked goods. ^.^ Also, I refuse to travel with a map. The first time I passed a pushpin was over ten years ago, and after seeing the view wasn't worth it, I just go by feel ever since.

This is getting printed out and plastered all over my house.

Thanks for this great post. I think I learned this lesson early, when my mother died (I was 16). Talk about your plans being railroaded.

Life is what happens to you while you are waiting. Waiting for the next thing, waiting for things to get better, waiting for things to get worse - all of it. That is actually incredibly liberating, the idea that a rich life comes from the NOW and our relationship to it, rather than reacting to past or future. Because the past and future exist only in our imaginations.

Whoa. I just blew my own mind.

...and hugs to Angela.

I think the best quote is the one from John Lennon. "Life is what happens while you are making other plans."

I was the girl who played Barbie by having her marry everyone from Ken to GI Joe to the cat. I used to cut pictures wedding dresses out of the Sears catalog. I switched to bridal magazines in my twenties. When I was in my mid-30's I walked by a bridal store one day and it just hit me like a ton of bricks how ridiculous I would actually look in one of those white fairy princess wedding gowns. I really started to question at that time if I wanted to be married or if I just wanted a big party, a diamond ring and a fancy dress. I am in my 40's now and I would trade the fancy wedding dress for a plane ticket to someplace interesting, French lessoms, dancing lessons, a box of cashmere yarn or a hundred other things.

Ya'll, shit happens. You hold onto the pain until it transforms you into who you are meant to be. Live in the moment, enjoying every moment, because that's exactly where you are supposed to be at that moment. The only thing we can control is our attitude -- how we choose to see things. See things rosy. Life can be so much bigger than anything WE plan -- let it happen, let it happen big. Crazy Aunt Purl sure has.

sorry - totally off topic, but I can't think of anyone else to show this to -- wigs for cats!?

http://www.kittywigs.com/index.html

Jenny - totally fab kitty wigs. :)

I think the key concerning where you are and where you want to be is to live your life like you're already there. If you've defined the destination in broad enough and important enough terms, it's pretty easy.

Enjoy my job (doesn't matter what it is, just that I like it). Be comfortable with myself (doesn't matter about all the superficial stuff, just being OK with me). Enjoy my friends (doesn't matter how many, just that they are people that I honest to God choose to be with).

Choosing to be happy without achieving all the 'socially acceptable' norms freaks the rest of the world out. There's no telling what you may do if you're not following the rule book.

From the content of all your posts, you sound like you're there, where ever that is.

You're SO right...it's actually possible to have a great life without having a conventional life. Check out a terrific book by Bella DePaulo: "Singled Out" -- http://www.belladepaulo.com/singledout.htm. It's funny and true and refreshing and debunks all the myths about the single life. Maybe a person is single for a while or single forever -- either way, the single state is something to cherish, not something to hurry through en route to something else.

Eat a candy cane and have a great saturday! :)

Laurie, you inspire me every time I read. Thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. I'm glad you are enjoying your journey!

laurie-
you rock. thanks for this post...i am in a similar boat, divorced, 32, no kids, (cats), musician/teacher by trade (i.e. working 65-80 hours a week), in graduate school, live far from my family. not doing the socially acceptable things that my mother wants me to do (getting re-married, kids, stable job, stability in general).... but i'm OK with that. i am better off now than i was when i was married. i know that for sure. and i will go to my parents house for christmas with a smile on my face, trying not to bristle at the comments/opinions/unsolicited advice, knowing that i am ME, and if my mom doesn't like it, i can go back home.
thank you for making us think!

Two thoughts after reading your post:

One, I could have written it! Because I'm thinking these very same things. I'm now 30, and still alone, and still going to family gatherings as the singleton. But I'm FINALLY REALIZING that there is no list of "shoulds" that I "should" hit. I have a good life! I don't have everything I want, but that's OK. My life is good RIGHT NOW even without all the "shoulds" (I should be married, should have kids, etc)

Two -- well, I can't think of what else. I'll just add, you rock. :)

AMEN! I couldn't have said it more accurately myself!

My map pins have been changing too recently and its a bit scary how closely our stories match.

I am 36, single and am recently divorced from guilt and shame. Not because of a man, just stuff I put on myself a long time ago.

God has been rearranging the pins on my map. He has quite eloquently changed me and I feel will continue to do so until I meet His vision of me. It is a journey I am willingly sauntering down. His timing doesn't match up with mine; it seems I'm a bit impatient... But I am sure that someday I will make it there. As I am sure that you will too.

I will be praying for you, that when the journey gets too rough you will feel His hands lovingly moving those pins to a better there.

So true how our reflection is imprinted on others lives at the moment in time we meet them or we are processing some tragedy. Over six years ago I survived a year long battle with stage 4 cancer and folks who knew me during that time still comment on how my hair has grown back or ask "How are you really doing?" --in such a serious tone. I am fine really...completely cancer free! Bald was beautiful, but so much has happened in my life since, and I have so much other stuff going on, but it is hard to replace that image in their mind.

Personally, I like the Indigo Girls song that has the line "Every five years I look back on my life and have a good laugh!"

Thanks for sharing your life! I really enjoy reading your blog.

-(the other) Dale

wow! that statement about how your to-do list started looking like someone elses's life really hit the nail on the head! I have been struggling to do my own thing (actually, I guess it's me and hubby) and too many people just assume we are going to do what THEY think is the next thing. Drives me crazy, that assumption.

What a great outlook!

Found your blog from MadeInRichmond's - just stopped by to say hi!

The title of this post made me think of something I say a lot this time of year: 'Tis the season for road rage!

Thank you again for sharing yourself with us as you do. I just bought two more copies of your book to give as christmas gifts!

I'm going through a divorce myself in the near future, and dealing with all the emotions and what-ifs and other people's expectations of me made your post today really resonate with me.

Thanks so much, and hap-happy holidays! :D

Laurie...just wanted you to know that post names are getting scrambled. When I clicked on my previous comment, it shows up as "Sarah Ayars" and takes me to her (very nice) blog. I'm not a knitter and my name is Rachel ;) at http://ahippychick.com.

Just wanted to let you know!

Well, I was at that place...job, husband, house, kids...and I wasn't happy, for lots of very little reasons mostly to do with how it wasn't quite like how it looked in the glossy magazines. Then my elder son (aged 5) got cancer and died two years later. I look back on my old life as a Golden Age that I didn't have the wit to appreciate.

I think we need to spend more time looking around and smelling the flowers Where We Are, instead of constantly looking up towards the horizon. A bit of both is necessary, otherwise we'll be lying there on our deathbed one day and wondering "Where did it all go??"

Oh, I loved this post. You are exactly right - the redefinition of where we want to be can be so terrifying and yet satisfying at the same time.

Merry Christmas, Purly-girl. :)

Thank you for this post. It is something I've been struggling with a lot lately. And I go in phases where I struggle with this about every 4-5 years. I think as I get older I get better with realising that a lot of the things I want are as you say - socially acceptable, what I should be doing, where I should be at this age and I just haven't found that place. Sometimes I get tired of the day-to-day and do wish I had some of that distant happiness (or contentedness really) so that I could feel a bit more relaxed.

What a great post this was today...although, I must confess my favorite all time post is the recent one featuring my "Angel Dog" Gracie...

However, this one is so very touching...without revealing my tender age, let me just say that I did reach what I thought was the perfect point in life...according to my planned directions...I was married to a wealthy successful man, had a fabulous child, lived in a beautiful home in a beautiful place...but, I was not a happy girl...

So, now 10 years later...I'm single, have all of my money invested in a business venture which I LOVE, but, is a bit risky...I no longer own my home...or, live exactly where I want to ... and, although my daughter and I are very close...I'm not really her "Mommy" (my favorite all time job) any more ... BUT, I'm happier most days, than I ever was back then...

I finally got the message of the "joy is in the journey." My little "backpack" will be full this Christmas as well, as I celebrate my incredible wealth of friends and my gratitude at being blessed with so much LIFE...Happy Holidays, Laurie!

Laurie,

What makes your posts so meaningful is that they invite people to reflect on their own lives. Sometimes we go through life on automatic pilot, feeling a little down and not really knowing why and not taking the time to look at what is going on. You look and then you share that looking with us and then we look.

Thank you.

Thank you. Again.

Perfect post. As a fellow 35/6 yr old single, divorced, (not even covered in cat hair) woman, living 3,500 miles from family and spending my first Christmas alone in years... its hard to avoid fixating on 'There'. So thanks for the reminder that we're 'Here' and focusing on 'There'= happiness, isn't probably the best way to live life.

Wow, well put. Wow...thank you. The happiest of years to you!

If you haven't read Dr. Suess' Oh, The Places You'll Go, now would be a good time!