After my giving up on grad school and divorce (both in close proximity), I found myself "leaking tears" in a couple of situations - always so randomly, it seemed at the time.

Letting go is wonderful, but still hard.

*I* am so proud of you Laurie.

The roads we are all on are mysteries, and finding out where we are headed is sometimes very surprising. I'm so glad your path is bringing you joy.

And self-judgement is hard to let go of too - I just read my previous post and thought, "Did that sound hokey and insincere? Do I sound like a marshmallow hug rather than serious and everything?"

*headdesk*

Laurie - the most empowering thing to take away from your own self judgements is realizing how much you've grown over the last couple of years. You can choose to take or leave whatever other people may have to offer, but at the end of the day, it's ultimately your opinion that matters most. And no matter what, you will always be God in the eyes of your cats. Sometimes that's all that matters.

Isn't great to finally love yourself enough to let go?

Yup, yup. What you said. That "letting go" is still something I have to remind myself about. The judgement of others still bugs me, but I'm slowly learning to shrug it off and leave it behind--as much as I'm capable, anyway.

And I do understand foot in mouth disease. I've said things to people that sounded mean, but in retrospect were me trying to make a joke, or it was just a poorly worded thought. No malice was meant.

There's a part of Buddhist philosophy that admonishes "not to be too attached to the outcome". You can read what you like into it, but it's something I repeat to myself when I'm twisted up into knots of anxiety. I breathe, remind myself to do the best I can, and it will work out however it works out. I can only influence so much.

Laurie, I am so glad I was shown to your site, and that I came to your reading, and all. You are absolutely helping me find my way back to the mouthy, smart, opinionated person I used to be before opera took over my life and removed all my edges. I, too, have been attempting to please everyone, like if I just work hard enough and read enough books about how I am supposed to be, I will figure out all the rules and I won't have any more problems. But I actually have MORE problems because that's what life is made of and I have given away my defense, plus I'm too scared to have friends. Which is maybe a good definition of stupid.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your journey. And no, you are not "perfect," but you are completely you and that is why so many people totally adore you. Just go where you want and post about it along the way, and we'll be happy to see what you do.

Many hugs!

OH what a wonderful post. I have noticed that some commenters seem to make judgements about you, your writing, your grammar, your clothes...and I always get so irritated with them (as you know). I want to say to them...open up your heart, stop judging, and just LISTEN to what she is saying.

I had a smaller version of this happen to me this morning, and I am still at a loss as to what the appropriate response should be (since I suffer from the Pleasing Disease as well, I couldn't go with my gut reaction of F*** you). Sorry, long wind up to the incident, which was, I was playing tennis and the guys who have the court next to us came onto the court and got ready to play. At a break in the action, one of them says to me, "Hi Aileen...boy, you sure are moving slow today". WTF? He had only seen 1 point in the whole game but somehow decides that is what he should say to me by way of a morning greeting (I should add that we start at 7:30 AM and I should get bonus points just for getting there on time - he, on the other hand, starts an hour later). Anyway, all that to say, I appreciate the post and I need to remember to let stuff like that slide on by...it is their issue, not mine. Right?

Have a great weekend!

Thank you. I start a new job, in a really exciting and intimidating place, on Monday; and I left my old job last Friday; and I've spent the week wondering if I need to become a different person, after 14 years at the old job, and nobody in the new place knowing about my history... And this post was so apposite... I can keep what's actually me; and get rid of all the built-up Stuff people have shovelled on me about How I Am at Work...

And gah! about the woman who thought the book was hokey.

Hon, I used to be that way. Trying to please everyone and live up to everyone's expectations of what I should be doing. In the past (almost) year-and-a-half, my attitude has started changing. (Baby steps, though.)

I am MUCH happier now. MUCH.

>

Cheers !

You are one of the most inspiring women I have ever known, uhhhhh read. Keep on keepin on, cause you are a rock star!

Oh, Laurie! I adore you! I love your book, and if its hokey, then so am I - and very proud of it too!

love you
go girl

You're the best. DON'T FORGET THIS. This is an epiphany I've had and then forgot, and you just reminded me. So thanks, sweets. You rock.

Hokey, schmokey... You are simply wonderful. I've had so many signs/messages from everywhere telling me to 'let it go'... now, Crazy Aunt Purl is lighting up the giant neon "LET IT GO" sign in my mind. Epiphany with a giant club. Thank you! and Check, Please!

I started reading your blog about a year ago, and on the first night I came across it, I stayed up until some silly hour, reading all the archives. You are so funny, and sometimes so desperate, and quite bonkers, and so unbelievably *brave*. To do what you do, to put yourself out there like this, takes some serious guts. As someone probably quite wise once said (and I can't be arsed to look up who right now!): you can please all of the people some of the time; you can please some of the people all of the time; but you can't please *all* of the people *all* of the time. So as far I can figure out, that means that you might as well just please yourself ;) And good on you for it.

You have such a wonderful way with words.

My divorce had much the same effect on me. I finally realized that I only had to do what I liked, go where I wanted, wore what I chose and ate (sometimes EVERYTHING) whatever I wanted for dinner. After being married for over half my life, the freedom to be just ME is exilarating!

Like Ricky Nelson said, 'You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself.' (It's from Garden Party, to save you looking.) But it's one of those simple things that you don't understand until you've tried really, really hard to please everyone else first.

It's been a treat to read you the last few weeks, Laurie, while you've not only tackled all these things you were afraid of, but have actually enjoyed them too. You really deserve all the fun and appreciation.

I just bought your book, am reading it while I have a rare Sat. off and I can say unequivocally that it is NOT hokey...I've been thru this & emerged successfully (ok, took me a couple decades, but..)wish I had had your book to read to help me thru and/or written my own book! And, yes there are others of us out there that say the "check, please" thang too!! Hope to see you at the booksigning in Miami...Kate

Aunty darlin' I think Eleanor Roosevelt had the same thought. She phrased it as 'No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent'. Now that has to be a credo to live by.

i love a bit of self-realisation.

Hiya Laurie, I'm one of those dreaded silent lurker types but I wish I could hug you for this wonderfuuuuul entry :) Thanks for being so honest... I am on the verge of author-dom too, and recently realised why I've been feeling so terrified of publication day - it's knowing i'll never be able to control everyone's reaction to it, that there's no way i can be likeable to everyone who gets their mitts on it. And after writing in my pyjamas for so long, the thought of getting out there and selling my wares and being scrutinised is incredibly daunting. But now I feel determined to enjoy the process.

Thanks so bloody for for sharing this epiphany - and good on you for letting go and relishing all these crazy changes and well-earned rewards in your life, woohoo! :)

(that should have been "thanks so bloody much..." - my thoughts raced faster than my fingers :)

Oh, Honey, you speak for so many of us..we women..both young and old, when you write of this stuff. You can so eloquently put into words what we go through; being dumped, suffering loss, starting over, pleasers from birth, taking chances.

You are a shining beacon. I adore you.

Oh, sweetie. Now I'm crying. Most of the time it takes sadness or a crisis to reach the point where one realizes that it's so much easier just to be who you are inside on the outside as well. I am so proud of you and how you've come. You are perfect and I don't want you to ever forget that.

And I adore you.

This is how I am too. 100 people can think you are wonderful, but you are always taken aback by the person who finds fault. The few faulters enter your mind more than the masses of positive people. You never feel totally good enough. I guess part of this is the mess left from jerky Mr. Xes, part from childhood.

The posters above have great things to say. It's hard when you come from a Southern, people-pleasing, caretaking background. As I get older, it is more and more true - you will never please everyone. It is impossible, and why bother. It is so hard to change this, but what freedom it is to just please yourself. So you try to spend more time with people who make you feel good, less with those critical people with their own issues who make you feel bad.

It is also true that being a shy person, I have sometimes uttered things that came out wrong and not what I meant at all. Mortifying.

You are doing great. You are so far ahead of me, and I am a dozen years older... I should have been so lucky to come to these conclusions of yours in my 30s... But I didn't have my Mr. X disastrous experiences until my 40s. Your blog rings true for so many - we appreciate you. I read your book, I've read every blog entry; I've laughed, I've cried, I've empathized. And I, like so many others, check in on you everyday. How many people can say that about those they have never even met? You are fab. Hugs.

You make everyone of us who visit you everyday, laugh at your jokes, and cry with you....very proud. Congrats on the letting go. It is a great gift to give yourself! thanks for writing, thanks for the book (loved it, related to it, want the next one, NOW!) thanks for sharing wonderful you! xo

Hey Laurie
Just wanted to let you know that there are some of us who would never judge you!
I had a dream last night that I met you, but instead of signing your book you were signing these fluffy pink bras that you had designed. What the heck is THAT about?!?

I've been lurking for years but I just wanted to say. You are amazing.
Thank you.

OOOOOOOOOOHhhhhhhhh! I would totally buy one of those fluffy pink bras! I bet you could design a helluva bra.

Congrats on the aha! moment.

you are utterly perfect just the way you are.

and IF you take up tennis for Godsakes get a hot tennis instructor.

Brava, Laurie, brava! :)

(PS I second the hot tennis instructor motion.)

Do you know what I don't understand? If you didn't like the book, why did you go to the event? So strange.

This is such a good post, Laurie. I am still waiting for my aha moment, but I think I am going to start trying to assume the best of people, instead of assuming that I am being judged.

Well, I'll tell you what, I just put a hold on your book in my library's online system, and every single copy is checked out! This is a library co-op that serves 8 Michigan counties and parts of 3 more.

And you've sure made my eyes leak more than once.

There's not much I can add, 'cause I agree with all the other comments. It's great to see someone get past something, achieve something, because it means there's hope for us, too. I, too, have read all your posts, eagerly await each new one, and have laughed and cried. I have your book, I read it through the afternoon I bought it. I think you speak to more people than you realize.

I admire you so much and I cannot wait to get your new book. It's on my to do list in the very near future.

I'm originally from middle Tennessee also but I've moved away in the past few years. When I'm back home, people accuse me of "talking like a yankee" and when I'm not, I get jerks who refuse to listen to me because "they can't get past my southern accent." It makes me feel like I'm some sort of traitor when I'm at home, and like I'm supposed to deny who I am when I'm not home. Then, I realize at the end of the day that I just have to be me.

Maybe it is the ozone layer(Al Gore-help us out here!) but there seems to be alot of the judging anxiety out there. I for one so appreciate your putting all of your feelings and discoveries out for us to read.It happens to my children(and I tell them that the person must not feel very good about himself/herself to say/do that). I "left"(that is the word most of the people in the professional community here like to use in reference to me-also"gave up on") the world of career after having my second child(who is now 7+ and has some needs) and STILL have people come up to me(3 weeks ago no less) and ask me if I am "doing anything at all"-IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN or at parties or at professional meetings!!!!! And I have gone through the rage, feelings of inadequacy, etc. too. It is only recently, having passed up a job offer because it would not work for my children, that I decided to let go of that-to not need the title/paycheck to validate me. And I cried too-but in a good way.

You ARE so brave to put yourself out there on the internet, in your book, and on your book tour. I'm glad you're giving up on pleasing everyone because the truth is, you're fantastic and wonderful just the way you are. (Also, who tells someone they're too southern? Or not southern enough? Dude.)

Eh, so you leaked a few tears at the airport. It took me a few weeks, but even I got over being The Girl Who Cried at B&N. Thank you so much for being exactly who you are.

Erin (real name... Noelle is the internet alias)

I love that Roosevelt quote someone gave. NOT giving your consent to a judgmental comment IS power.

It strikes me that it makes any of us crazy to try to please 4 or 8 or 10 people. But with the crowds you're encountering, trying to please 1000 conficting views suddenly makes the insanity of that attempt clear.

Yay for your hokey, crazy willingness to do all this!

ok so that made me leak tears just a little bit. i think we all have those people pleasing tendencies and good for you to be able to let them go! what a release that is!

and no, i havent had the opportunity to read the book yet but i've been a loyal reader of yours for quite some time and i am so proud of you.

and yeah, thats really cheesy and somewhat hokey considering we dont know each other an all, but still.

good for you. :)

Well good for you!

Here's the thing that I have to remind myself - what others say about you says more about *them* than it does *you*, and likewise how you react says more about what *you* believe than what they've said...does that make sense?

It makes sense to me, but it doesn't mean I don't have a normal amount of self loathing compounded by the inane comments of the similarly self loathed. I'm working on it though...:).

Amen! Here's an old Southern-ism for ya: Don't let the turkeys get you down! That's what they are turkeys - and it's so hard to remember that. I'm proud of you for stepping past what the turkeys think and say, and being you on your own terms.

Oh Laurie, good for you. It has been such a wonderful experience to see you go through everything these past few months and to feel like we get to share a little bit of it with you. You are an amazing and strong woman and I hope you always try to remember that.

And to Shauna the "author to be" commenter - congratulations!! That is a huge accomplishment and I know it feels scary but no matter what happens you have achieved something giant and fabulous. No one can take that away from you. I am working on getting my novel published (currently finishing yet another rewrite) so I would love to be where you are now, scary or no. *hugs*

"No one can tell you who you are."

Can I tell you how much I love that? Because I love that. And I'm kind of fond of hokey cheeseball, too. :)

I have been a lurker, but needed to write to say, "thank you. You're just fine and dandy."

Love those Aha moments! I, too, spent years trying to please everyone. It cannot be done. Trust me, you will be soooo much more at peace once this has sunk in. Just be who you are, and be happy. Sounds like you are well on that track.
I loved your book, by the way! No hokey, cheesey stuff there. And if there was, it was probably funny. So there.

kinda scanned cause I could surely tell I would end up boo-hooing. I promise I will read it more later when the prying eyes are safely tucked in. I DID do something for myself yesterday, besides guzzle Diet Coke, that is. I bought your book. I was devastated/ILL that I wasn't able to make it to Nash but I have been sick for a couple o'weeks, and you don't want it, but by golly! I have the book now. I am so excited. I am kinda just savoring it, I opened it and kinda scanned the first little but am trying to hold back a little lest the world fall down around my ears until it is done... thank you for putting into words the past 2 months of my life. you rock!

That was beautiful.

That is all. :-)

I love your book, I think you're amazing, and I really hope that some day I get to meet you in person.

Give your kitties a hug for me. :-)

Laurie thanks for this post. I had exactly this conversation with myself yesterday and it's so comforting to read someone else's take on it and how that journey out of people pleasing can happen. It's a tough road. I wanna let go, too. So thank you. And keep on going with that stuff cos it's hard but worth it (so I hear!)

I guess I'm lucky. I've always - even as a teenager, the worst years for most people - been very secure. I think it must be something you are born with. My sister and I were raised by the same parents and yet she must be wearing the right thing for the right season with her hair just so. And my thought is "why do you care about the opinion of someone who would judge others by the fact that they wore white after Labor Day?". The fact is, I'm a chubby middle-aged woman of average intelligence, average looks and no discernable talents and that's just fine. I'm nice, I'd never hurt anyone's feelings intentionally, and don't judge anyone for anything other than the way they treat other people. Don't let other people get you down. Half the time I don't think they mean what you take them to mean. And if they do, is this really a person whose opinion you should care about? Would you judge another person by what this person said about them? You are wonderful and mean so much to so many people, most of whom have never even met you. And how many people can say that?

Thank you for saying this, and saying it so well. We all need to hear this over and over again, and I'm so happy that this message has found a home in your heart.

Laurie,

Thanks so much for taking all of us on this journey with you. I really appreciate your thoughts on the trials and tribulations of self-discovery, and the fact that you make such wonderful insights with such style is a rare, rare talent indeed. Cheers to you! And thanks for giving me a much-needed perspective adjustment on more than one occasion.

Laurie, my 19 year old son completed the Marine Corps Marathon last weekend. His first marathon, and almost a last-minute decision by him to run it. He confessed (with a little mom-ly interrogation) that he "may have cried a little" when he came across the finish line and a U.S. Marine hung a "Finisher" medal around his neck. I think he would TOTALLY understand your weepiness in O'Charley's!

And I do, too.

I am delurking to tell you how much I appreciate the privilege of following your process as you create your life. And to say that if anyone says something judgmental to/about you, it says WAY more about THEM than about YOU. Chances are good that what they say has NOTHING to do with you at all, in fact.

I'm blaming PMS for the fact that I cried during this entire post. You're amazing and I love your blog and your book (my hubby questioned the title when he saw it - asked if there was something he should know) and you're not hokey and I'm rambling and where are my damn tissues?

Sorry. Again going to blame PMS.

At some point in my life, I realized I had moved from trying to please everyone to just trying to please myself. And most of the time, other people seem to like that person, too. Weird but true!

I also occasionally have leaky eyes for no good reason. Sometimes I can figure out why (the not-so-good reason, I guess), sometimes I can't. But I figure it's part of being human, and now I always make sure I have kleenex in my purse.

I don't think you're cheesy or hokey at all - I think you're strong, inspiring, insightful and talented beyond belief to be able to put into words what so many people go through on their way through life.

And always remember - the people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind :) That's probably cheesy, isn't it? Bugger ;P

my spouse gave me your book for my anniversary. (I am divorced and remarried; my ex left me when I developed cancer; no, he was NOT newt gingrich.)

rick nelson once sang: "see, you can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself." I believe in that phrase. I also had 4 years of self-help. now I love me.

I like you just the way you are. so does mr. rogers and his neighborhood. fuck the rest of the world! rock on with your bad self!

Laurie, your post is so in sync with my world! I'm enduring a storm of my own epiphanies and the more I'm online, the more "help" I find.

You, and everyone on here, need to visit Byron Katie's site and watch this short video about needing approval--it blew my mind:

http://www.byronkatie.com/2007/10/video_i_need_peoples_approval.htm

PS: I HEART HOKEY CHEESEBALL, and the new term for California Southern girls is Valley Belle!

I realised and forgotten this pearl of wisdom so many times...keep reminding yourself (and us too). I'm also going through a time of a bit of crisis (career wise). I've already made the good decision but I was still worrying a bit. This helped. Thanks.

You've got such a great outlook. So far ahead of me. It's great "watching" you grow and develop. You are a good, strong woman, and now you are aware of that. Yippee!! Good for you babe.

It's amazing how few people ever really understand that how you decide to react to a given situation can be a conscious decision. And it's very liberating. Congratulations!

Echoing everyone else here: Good for you! You totally rock! And I am sure the ratio of people that agree with me vs people that think you're "hokey" or "not southern enough" is a million to one.

This was an amazing post and it's such an honor to be allowed this insight into your state of mind.

Whew!

For a little moment there, I thought you were letting us go. A nice way of telling us that you outgrew your need to share your life with (mine at least) our little lives. Some of us live vicariously through you and when you succeed, we do too.
YOU are WE and Where you go, you take us along if only for wine and Cheetos.
Tears cleanse the soul for whatever reason that are shed. They are therapeutic in every sense of the word. If I saw you crying in an airport, I would cry right along with you............sadness, gladness....whatever.

It's time to exhale!

I can tell you the first time I read your blog. It was the "Story of Roy" and I must have cried for 2 hours. I hadn't cried like that for eons but to see that someone else could hurt as much as you made it easier to finally let it go. You will never get over that pain but now it's so much more easier to remember the great stuff without all the pain. And it's okay to remember.

What an awesome post! I'm a wee bit jealous because I know I "shouldn't" care what other people think of me - but I still do. It's so hard to let go of that! One of my favorite quotes ever is by e.e. cummings: "It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are." I'm still working on it.

And just so you know - it has been so awesome reading about how far you've come - both in your blog and your book. But my favorite posts are the ones where you admit your low days, and your weak moments, because then I feel less alone. In the year and change since I left my ex, I've felt like I had to do more! learn more! grow more! be more! - because that's part of why I left - he felt threatened by every new experience I wanted to have. And I was utterly unprepared for how hard everything was going to be.

I wish I'd discovered your blog sooner, because reading what you've done has allowed me to go a little easier on myself. Yeah, I should go out and try this or that new thing, meet those new people - and lots of times I do. But now I give myself permission sometimes to say, "not today, or tonight. Today it's just too much. It's okay to stay home and be hermity and sad and drink wine and cry." So thanks for that. Reading your blog has helped me not to get all judgey on my ownself for not being perfect and strong all the time.

(oh - and a funny airport crying story: I had to go on a business trip - to Nashville! about two weeks after we split. And I REALLY wasn't in a good place at the time. I got to the airport in time to grab a sandwich before my plane, but it ended up being not what I expected or wanted, and I just sat at the little airport restaurant and bawled. Not audibly, but the tears were flowing! I was so embarrassed but I couldn't stop crying. I just hoped that maybe the people who saw me thought I was on my way to a funeral or something.)

Oh, you are such a wonderful writer! You inspire me so much. Especially when you write about anything to do with social anxiety, because that's where I live. When I read your blog, I feel like I'm reading the me-I-want-to-be.

(It's a little bit of a trap, of course, because if you're being the me-I-want-to-be, that means the job is already filled and I don't need to work as hard to fill it myself. But! I know the trap exists and it won't get me. Ha!)

Love you. Hope you don't get too creeped out by the random love of internet strangers.

Hi. I've just started reading your blog since I've just recently gotten totally re-hooked on knitting & crocheting.

Everyone has to be what makes themselves happy & to heck (heck IS a swear word here in ND) with everyone else. I've found it's much easier to live with myself when I don't constantly worry over what someone will think. Occasionally I'm surprised that what they do think isn't what I expected either!

Are you 40 yet? Because that is exactly how I felt/sounded/lived after I hit 40. It was just some kind of magical age, and when I hit it, I quit worrying about everything and started living. Not to say that it was easy and instantaneous, but that once I hit it, I started seeing things differently and I started making changes, positive ones, that have really given me a new look on life.

You are fabulous. When I found your site, I just kept reading and reading the archives. I kept thinking, I can't believe this random woman talking about knitting and divorce is such a bad-ass writer! How can she write so well? How come I can't write like this? Why is she so funny??? Because you are. Engaging and funny and a great writer. Which is why you have a book. Because a LOT of people realized that about you. And I loved your book!

And good for you letting go of it all. Baby steps. Enjoy. :)

Hi Laurie,
To be honest, I have not read your book yet. I just don't have the extra cash right now; however, when The Book came out, I went to B&N and HUGGED it. I adore you for all the little things that make up You. I find So Much Solace in knowing there is someone else Out There who has the same (what some uninformed would call)Weird Thoughts as me! ;)

Be true to yourself only, and only then you shall find true happiness.

OMG, perfect putting into words what we all (we hope) can eventually realize! AMEN!! I, too, am amazed that someone who thought you are hokey actually came to the flippin' signing. cheese and rice. ANYWAY, someone who gets eleventy-million comments a month (a day?) on her blog most definitely is not cheesey. I can still just THINK about your Roy post and tear up. And for such a young-un, you're brilliant in an old-soul kinda way.. Rock on.. with your bad self...

Yup - that spaniel complex (LOve me, Love me - here let me wag my tail a bit more) always there in us girls - guys never seem to have it to the same degree (except for the loser guys we refused to date in high school!) How brave to see it, face it and PUNCH IT IN THE NOSE!!
Well done!

Good for you! Be comfortable in your own skin, and be happy! If anyone doesn't like you the way you are, why would you want to try to please them? They don't deserve your greatness.

Peace.

Laurie, you sound much calmer and more grounded. Maybe the calm is from exhaustion accrued in the past month, but you seem to be in a good place. It is nice to have you home. Once again, you have put words to what many of us have been feeling, but you can actually express it.

I have to wonder, though, about the Hokey lady. Don't you wonder what her story is that she would even say that? There is a fiction book, for you to write - her back story and what brought her to that spot where she would even think of saying something like that out loud. There are issues, obviously!

My response to being called hokey or too southern or too SoCal (etc) would have been a direct look in the eye and a muttered "whatever" with a distinct California/Valley girl twang.

Love you, kid!

I'm a dread lurker, but honestly, I read your blog because I'm in a scary place in my life, and watching you handle your fears with grace and a sense of humor (and the occasional freak-out) helps me know that scary places happen and that they're not always bad.

Fantastic post, Laurie!

At 35 years old, I still struggle with those issues, wanting to please people, often sacrificing my own happiness. I am better than I was. Your posts are an inspiration!

Sorry I missed you in Minneapolis last month. I was closing my shop that week. Established business for 30 years, I had it for only 7 years but it was a tough decision. At any rate I would have liked to have met you. You have changed your position in the world with your new book so you are going to be open for praise and criticism. It's tough to not take it personally but really, people are rude at times and you just keep telling yourself "I am living the life I want and I'm happy." Critical people are usually not happy. I just ordered your book - I now will have time to read. Take care and keep your sense of humor!

You just struck a chord, girlfriend. I won't go into it, but I had a big JUDGEMENT week, people mad at me, people saying not nice things about me. I broke some eggs and I made an omlet. I kicked ass and took names. I stood up for myself and it wasn't easy...and then I LET IT GO! I am more me than I have ever been.

A few years back I was the PTA president of my kid's elementary school (a time consuming volunteer position to be sure!). Even though I was spending about 30 hours a week on school-related programs, activities and meetings, I was BLOWN AWAY by the constant criticism about my performance that I received from my own Executive Board. It was then that I had an ephiphany and realized that "you can never please any of the people most of the time."

So, I stopped trying to please others. The only person you have to answer to is yourself. The people that whine and complain aren't happy with themselves, so don't waste effort on them. And keep up the great work!! You're awesome!

This was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you.

You rock. Period.

I was at your MOA reading. My email to my daughters, who turned me on to your blog, read: "She was completely sweet, totally hilarious, vulnerable, capable of being serious, demonstrated grace and integrity." My young ladies read the comments - they will call me out if this isn't so!

You are amazing. Thanks for puttin' it out there because it helps us all.

Beautiful, beautiful.

As a fellow woman who grew up in the South (KY, specifically), I think that Southern culture is especially predisposed towards making women feel like they have to please everyone. Sure, it's true everywhere, but especially the South. Good for you for overcoming those fears!

Laurie,

I second the vote on the Eleanor Roosevelt quote. Its a good one. (Although it can be hard to achieve sometimes can't it?) A friend of mine has a similar one. it goes like this:

"Sometimes it's best to take what people offer, and respect that it's all that they are prepared to give."

Laurie, all I guess I really wanted to say is that you are doing great and you are an inspiration to me, and others. Don't worry about not being perfect. We like you just the way you are. And I look forward to following along with you on your journey wherever that leads.

I hope you and the kitties are having a grand Sat evening at home. More pics please!

That's awesome. It's a valuable lesson, one I hope I keep on learning until it is a habit. I still hope the lady who called you hokey got a flat tire on the way home ('cause the old habits die hard). ;)

Laurie,

You have helped me so much, by being so open and honest and willing to share so much of yourself. I am glad I could do something for you in return.

Any time you want to come back to Central Illinois, you are more than welcome! We will drink wine and talk about cats and have a good ol' time!

I am so very proud of you and the things you are doing! Embrace your inner hokey-cheesiness and enjoy your new life! :)

Laurie, you are a really good writer, but you also keep getting better. This post blew me away. Isn't it funny how the moments we might have skipped if given the choice are the insight-making ones? Thank you for reminding me of this!

About the accent thing--I get that ALL the time. Southerners say, "You're not a Southerner, are you?" and non-Southerners say, "Wow, you have an accent!" None of them know what in the H-E-double-toothpicks they are talking about! It took me a long time not to take it personally.

You take care, hon, and enjoy being home with the adorable kitties.

How beautifully eloquent. I'd tag that 'hokey' woman right back with 'envy'.

All I can think of to say is... YOU GO, girl!

So glad for you, finding all this out, and at a young age too. It will make your new life even better. And remember, some people are just plain rude. But that's about them, not you. Something I try to remember in my own life. I think you deserve the Mary Tyler Moore moment. You know the one--twirling around while throwing your hat in the air. Cheesy, just the way we like it!

Yeah, you got it.

There's a line from a book that says, "If your happiness depends on what someone else does, I guess you do have a problem." I try to remember that, and make my happiness depend on me. It's not what anyone else does/thinks/says, it's what I do about it.

Of course, it's hard, but worth it.

The whole "you can't please everyone" thing is so annoying, isn't it?

Someone who met you had a picture in their head of you talking to them, and you had a Southern accent. Just something she fixated on for whatever reason--has nothing to do with your reality...and she probably doesn't even know why that stuck in her head! Just some weird thing, not in your control...I mean, what should you have done? Thrown in a drawl, just for her? And how do you explain that to the person in line behind her?

Come to think of it, that would have been sort of entertaining...

Having said all of that, I'm sure if I was in your place at that moment, that little interaction would have bothered me for a week!

I agree that 40 was sort of the magic age for suddenly realizing that every weird thing that happens to you isn't because there is something wrong with you--it was like a light switch went on! Maybe I just started realizing that life is too short to worry about stuff like that.

About the accent thing... My mom moved to Nebraska 42 years ago when she met my dad. My mom is from the very deep South. She's never lost her accent.

I talked to my mom's sister last night, and while she's got a thicker accent (she sounds like Paula Deen) they both have the same speech patterns.

Laurie, I've heard your voice on the videos that you've posted on your blog. You are so Southern sounding...and I never could hear any Californian accent in it.

I might be a Northerner (well, half-Northerner), but I love Southern accents. My favorite Southern accent would have to be male Georgian accents...the kind you hear in movies like the North & South miniseries and Gone With The Wind.

I always find your words so inspiring, and this entry especially hit home. I've been realizing myself that it's impossible to please everyone, and frankly I'm tired of trying. Keep up the good work!

Good girl!!! Um, and I'd like to kick the woman in the shins who said your book was "hokey." Yeah, so your book isn't for everyone, but what book is? All she proved is how ill-mannered she is. Harumph.

Hi Laurie:
I bought your book over the internet, and let me tell you....NOT HOKEY! ! !
I have a hard time putting it down...the chapters are just the right length, I will read several chapters, then knit on my sock's.
I feel stupid asking you this question, but going to do it anyway as want to eventually make the knitted rolled brim hat...On page 211 in the knitting recipe's, it says. Always err...what does err mean? I tryed to find in the abbreviations page in the book, but no luck.
Oh, I am on chapter 28...Going to go read some.
I just wanted to let you know that I have this little saying a Dear friend gave me years ago;
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen nor touched, but are felt in the heart.((((((How true)))))Just keep taking care of #One(Laurie) and the kittys, and things will be alright..don't let ugly people try to put Hokey
vibes into your brain.

Well then, I'm ready to do the hokey pokey cuz I've read your book twice already.

:) Love it. Keep doin' it... your blog, your writing, the whole not pleasing everyone thing. It's all good. :)

Laurie! How can I stalk you if you don't come back to Seattle?!?

I discovered your blog, book, hurricane-force living out loud self three days after you visited Seattle on your tour.

Well. Rats.

I've laughed and cried myself up to the March 2006 posts in your archive. Dang, girlfriend, you and I have some stiching-n-bitching to do in the future! From Louisiana, Mississippi, Bama, etc? Check. Living on the left coast? Check. Been dumped by some bone-headed idiot who has no idea what's what? Check. Adore Paris? Check. Slave to serve kitties, even the evil ones who plot mass mayhem? Check. Sniff yarn...well, you're on your own with that one...but I do love me some crochet.

Anyway, thanks for being such an inspiration to yarn-hoarding folk everywhere.

And come back to Seattle soonest, OK?

It is amazing to me what people feel is okay to say to someone - as a blog comment or in person.

The lovely Jane from Yarnstorm recently published a book and it's amazing the things people are saying to and about her.

I'm sorry, but I think society needs a hefty dosing of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"!!!

Just 'cause ya'll write books or blogs doesn't make you instantly thick skinned and without feelings.

Thanks for reminding me of something I meant to do, wanted to do, and then forgot to do! But you are doing it! Thanks for giving me a phrase to remind me...Check please!!

What an illuminating post. I'm glad you can see the gift in these uncomfortable and judgemental moments. Thanks for reminding me of this. xo

By the way, and not that you care, seeing as how you are letting go of all that...but I think you are lovely too...and if you are hokey, then I love me some hokey!!

woo hoo! you just gotta love it when the light goes on - give yourself the permission not to try to be everything everyone wants. How much happier we would all be if we remembered that little gem. Not like it is humanly possible anyway - maybe that is why everyone is such a wreck!

When I lived in Conn. everyone said I had a really southern accent, when I moved south they all carried on about how I sounded like a Yankee.

How did all the pesto turn out?

You rock girl! I've been there myself - the book, the tour, the interviews, the tv schtick where you feel like everyone sees the pulled thread in your skirt instead of what you're saying. In my case, too TALL, too fat. AND the book was on a controversial subject. Maybe that helped - I could focus any negativity on my subject matter instead of myself. It was fun, exhiliarating, educational, scary as all hell... In the end I personally had to drop it and back away. I chose the private me over the public me. I'm not always sure it was the right choice to tell the truth, but it was my choice, my decision, my life.

May your adventures always reflect YOUR choices, decisions, your wonderful, wonderful life.

Oh and I look forward to the next time I get back to the States for a visit so I can buy your book. I'm living in a tiny village in the Himalayas and there is zero possibility of finding it anywhere within a couple of days' jeep ride! So I'm waiting for next year with anticipation.

Joy
Rewalsar, H.P., India
www.customjuju.com/joy/joyblog

I wonder if the 'having to please everyone' complex is a southern girl thing. I know exactly what you mean.

Also, I just wanted to let you know that there are lots of people out here who read your blog and your book and love you and are proud of you, but just don't post or can't get off work to drive to Nashville and see you.

Beth in Alabama

Delurking to thank you for your post Laurie - I'm so glad that someone out there can articulate these sort of thoughts and epiphanies. I'm a people-pleaser too and kind of need to be reminded sometimes that I can't win that battle. Hugs!

Laurie--

i just want you to know that I read your book the same day I bought it, all curled up in my big purple recliner and reading your book was like listening to one of my best girl friends. I hope to read more of your books in the future regardless of what you write about!

Melissa in Oklahoma (lived in Iowa for 18 years and Oklahoma for seven, who now has a Southern Yankee accent and doesn't care) :)

This post couldn't have been more perfectly timed for me... :)

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and your spirit. It really helps to know there are other people like me out there :)

The best thing to remember when people make random and unwarranted bitchy comments about you (like the hokey book lady) is that insecure people often project onto other people, and also feel the uncontrollable need to take people they envy down a notch. So she was paying you a compliment in twisted, roundabout way--surely she wishes she had a book, a fan base and a tour around the country. That, or she fancies herself a book critic. Either way, she's an idiot.

You've come a long way, baby. How is it that you are wiser in your 30's than most people ever become? Thank you for sharing your outlook and adventures with us. Now just sit back and enjoy the not-all-the-people-pleasing ride!

Wow - what a timely post... how desperately did I need to be reminded of all of this today.

I wonder where that need to please everyone comes from? I feel like its been deeply ingrained my entire life, and has in so many ways crippled me, even down to staying in a rotten marriage with a rotten man who could care less about my heart. But "divorce" is wrong - that's what I always heard, and so I denied my heart, denied the fact that I was being torn apart by the realities of his nastiness, in order to keep up the appearances of having it all together. And now, somehow, I'm getting out. But its dang hard to break free - on one hand, just because of the nature of what it is. But on the other hand, there are those voices from my past cropping up, those unspoken rules that lurk somewhere out "there"... you know, the things "they" say... and they haunt, and entrap. So, in the midst of my wrestling today with more decisions that need to be made, here you are, sharing a piece of your heart... reminding me that its not about anyone else or what they think. Somewhere I think I knew that... I just needed to be reminded.

Laurie, I've been lurking for over a year now. You make me laugh until I cry... sometimes I just plain cry as your posts are transparent and so vulnerable. Most of all, you make me know that its possible to survive, and beyond that, live! You've made lemonaidd from lemons, and its a beautiful thing! I only hope I do so well.

Just wanted to say thank you...

What type of person comes up to you and tells you you don't have enough of an accent, or your book is hokey? Some people's children!

My grandparents and their family are very southern, but my parents grew up here on the coast. I'll get someone every once in a while who asks where I'm from because of my accent- perhaps it's because I use the phrase "all y'all" a little too much? That, or I am the fastest-speaking southern-talking gal on the west coast.

Anyhoo, I LOVED your book, and reading about all the happy southern mentalities. It reminded me how much I appreciate my grandmother, and perhaps shed some light on why she does the things she does. (Also- super funny.)

Laurie,

Always remember that you were created not as an instrument,to be manipulated into everyones' ideal of who/how you SHOULD be/do/act (that way lies only madness!) but as a unique being,
free to listen to her heart. Ignore the pettiness - it is merely a manifestation of envy/jealousy...Your success is testament to your growing strength and courage!

Continued blessings on your journey.

I think I was meant to read this post tonight...I was catching up on Crazy Aunt Purl's adventures after not having had a chance for several days.

You brought me a tear of my own. You're a brave girl Ms. Purl...somedays I hate being a grown up...and, some days I love, love, love it. I wish you many, many days of loving it...and, by the way...@#@$*them if they think you're hokey. Let them write a book about their most personal experiences and dreams...get it published and go on a book tour and let people take pokes at them...I think "Check Please!" works...

thanks for writing the way you do. Believe me, I have felt that way before and woke up this morning to tears streaming down my face for some unknown reason. I think I am crazy sometimes..but at least I know I am living.

I am the big nerd (the friend of Jenna's from Minneapolis who moved to LA) who met you at the Grove and completely stuck my foot in my mouth..so believe it or not, YOU made me nervous. Crazy how some people think, huh?

I also have this insane people pleasing pull, which I struggle with. Sometimes I say "f*ck it" and let it ride, it just becomes too exhausting, but the need to be perfect also pulls. It's a struggle and you are so right, letting go is a fantastic thing..

Thanks for writing the way you do, and sorry for the rambling post. It's late and I have had some wine :).

Thank you so much for this post. It was much needed this morning after a party where somebody made a very rude comment of what I "must" do. Crying helps but now I'm just letting it go!

Have a great Sunday, Laurie! :-)

I am so sad that I was sick and had to miss seeing you in Nashville. My friend said she had you sign a piece of paper to me to stick in my book, how awesome is that! (Thank you!)

It's just good and happy to hear you being real and realizing what you're all about. I'm glad you share.

:)

In the words of Ms. Manners . . . "thank you, I'm sure you meant well"

been my favorite saying for a long time now!

rock on

I am shocked at the lack of class by the woman who criticized your book. I could only assume that she was jealous (even if she doesn't realize it), but even that still doesn't justify acting in such a manner. As others have said, that action says more about her than anything about you or your book. I personally read it and gobbled up every word in it, and my only complaint is that it ended too soon! We are all eagerly awaiting your next book and you can quote me to your publisher on that.

I think one of the many reasons we all love you is because you have such a way of putting your experiences in words as seen in this blog entry. I bet that many people who never comment in other blogs comment on yours. You have an uncanny talent for talking about deeply personal experience that at the same time resonates with so many of us. You give us courage to move forward by showing us your own courage in your personal journey. It touches our soul (see how many of people say "it made me cry" in comments!), and makes us feel that we are not alone in our own journey. Thank you, Laurie, for being the lovely person you are, and for sharing of yourself and your gifts so generously with the rest of the world.

And we also love you because you are "hokey", "cheesy" and so darn cute. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Congratulations and welcome to your life. Enjoy it!

Hokey? NO! Ah Ha? YES! Some people just can't deal with other's who are not thinking the same, talking the same or looking the same as they.
I too, wanted to please everyone. I was a product of a 'broken' home when it wasn't acceptable. Ad to that a move to another state away from all that I knew - my school, the few friends I had, my grandparents and church at an age when everything in life starts to change and boy was I messed up!
It took me decades to have my Ah Ha! moment and I'm still working on my attitude.
A perfect example was last week with the owner of the comany. He was on a rampage and was all over everyone. I was prepared to go toe to toe, nose to nose and be fired. I was not going to let him intimidate me into becoming a quivering blathering crying idiot and get so stressed that my body started to break down.
Reading your post gave me a chance to look back and realize that for me, changing my attitude made me grow up and become ME! Take me or leave me. I am a good person. I don't intentionally hurt people, I pitch in when something needs to be done, I'm not a slave to fashion and I am starting to really really like myself. And if others don't, Oh well, that's there problem.
Keep growing girl and keep up the great work!

"The faint of heart never get to F*** a wildcat."

I have pretty much lived by this motto and it pops in my head whenever I am feeling threatened in any way, or at a crossroads.

Just found your site...great writing!

Thanks for reminding me about the letting go. And thanks for reminding me about John Cusak, hot or what?

Ok, this IS going to sound hokey. YOU are my self help - really. Everytime you do something that I think (thought) I couldn't ever possibly do, then I think, hmm maybe I can. I grew up with "what will people think" practially imprinted on my brain. I wouldn't even step out of the house in sweat pants, even to get the mail, because they look sloppy and make me look even fatter - what would people think? Well, my sweetie and I are having lunch today with a friend who is recently back from Iraq. This friend, while great, thinks women shold be thin. I am more like two thin women welded together. Anyway, I haven't seen him in a couple of years and I was afraid of what he would think of me. (I know, that's either incredible self centered or crazy, or both.) I always thought - I can't help it, I care what people think, I was brought up that way, I can't change. But I'm going to try - so what if he does judge me, why does it matter? Thank you Laurie, for your cheesy hokiness - I, for one, love it and find it helpful (and don't really think you're cheesy or hokey). :-)

I just thought of something else. A very very wise friend of mine, who has been such a support to me as I go through my own divorce and other bad things, was this: You'd worry less about how other people talk about you, if you realized how rarely they do.

It almost sounds mean, but it's more of a Tough Love thing, I think: an awful lot of the time the "stuff other people say" about me, is really what I THINK they're saying! So much of the negative stuff is really only going on in my own head!! Mostly ... I guess mostly people have their own problems to deal with, and I'm just not something they have time to think or talk too much about!

Ok, I promise this is my last response to this post.

*stalker machine powering down*

It really is surprising how rude people can be, though by this time I shouldn't be surprised. After losing 35 pounds(which took 2 years) I had a local shop owner comment that I still needed to lose a few before I could wear the clothes in his shop (since the brands are sized smaller thank some other brands). In one sentence he was helping me shop and breaking my heart.
The critiquing woman really was out of line and I do wonder where she gets the idea anyone would give a sweet Eff allwhat she thinks about anything. Who has given her that power to be mean? Who has she bullied into submission to make her feel like she has the power and the right to be a beotch to you? It is very sad and we should pity all her previous victims but also HER because she IS such a nasty and that must be a lonely existance.
And yet here I sit in judgement of her. Aaah the beat goes on, yes?
Laurie, I know we only know what we see of you but darling, I think that its a pretty darned awesome facet of a pretty darned awesome person.
Also, I liked your costume in the pictures.

I guess I'm one of about a billion people who really reacted to this article. I really liked this one. I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having similar feelings of always being judged. I guess it didn't used to be a big deal for me, but lately, I feel like I talk too much, draw too much attention to myself, am too weird, etc. And then I'm ashamed of myself for not loving me for who I am.

I love that I'm weird and crazy (you kind of have to be in order to be in theatre!), I love that I'm loud and determined, I love that I'm not a girlygirl for the most part, and I love that I'm a strong woman.

Except when someone's looking. Or when someone doesn't laugh at my joke. Or when one of my compatriots in the theatre department looks right past me or doesn't recognize me. It's like constant judgment, obviously not only on the part of other people, but it's a PERCEIVED judgment. If they don't know who I am, how can they be judging me?!

There's more to this, but it's meant to only be a comment saying thank you for taking it into your own hands. I've bookmarked your post so I can remind myself on occasion to stop being afraid of judgment and just be myself.

Thanks.

Well I don't know what was wrong with that 'hokey heifer'!!! Some people just want to drag everyone down with them. Leave them in their misery and be happy with those of us who think you are awesome!

oh, and back in Texas we had a great neighbor with a thick awesome Scottish accent. Sometimes it was a struggle to understand him. Well when he visits home, they tell him he sounds so American!!! We about died laughing. It's all a matter of perspective. :)

---I got a signed copy of your book from Powells. I laughed and cried through it all. There were several moments when I thought, Awww honey and felt I should give you a hug, inappropriately or not. We had the gist of the events from your blog but the 'rest of the story' aspect was riveting; to me anyway, I'm the kind of person who loves extra features on a dvd.
---I hope that lady who said that about your accent was just flustered with meeting you.
I admire you for who you are and the way you get through things.

Laurie, you help all of us when you write a post like this one. Thank you!!! I think women in particular are taught and groomed all of their lives to be people-pleasers, but you are right, we certainly can't please everyone. Maybe, just maybe, we should start trying to please ourselves instead of everyone else. I need to work on this too so I am jumping on your bandwagon. Oh, and thanks for the wonderful book. I really enjoyed reading it; I am so proud of you.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing your insane moments, your laughing moments, your "Ah-Hah!" moments. Your cat moments. You are a gift, just the way you are.

My mom is sixty years old, and she only this year had her "Ah-Hah!" about how not everyone has to like her, and she will still be okay. You are way ahead of the curve, sister. And we all get to benefit from the pieces of your life you choose to share. At least, that's MY judgment! ;)

I'm coming to realize in my own life that liking myself and my decisions is the best part of my new journey. Because if *I* like me, it doesn't matter so much about everybody else.

Congrats on changing your vision! It took me until age 47 (this year) to realize I am never going to be able to please everyone so maybe I should try making myself happy and see how that goes. It changed my life. More people actually like me now! I'm not miserable any longer.

And for the lady who said your book is "hokey" just think to yourself: She's obviously not the demographic you're targeting and that's okay!

I loved, loved, loved your book and love, love, love your blog!

Congrats on changing your vision! It took me until age 47 (this year) to realize I am never going to be able to please everyone so maybe I should try making myself happy and see how that goes. It changed my life. More people actually like me now! I'm not miserable any longer.

And for the lady who said your book is "hokey" just think to yourself: She's obviously not the demographic you're targeting and that's okay!

I loved, loved, loved your book and love, love, love your blog!

Once again, reality t.v. saves us. I just LOVE Tim Gunn's style show with Veronica Webb, and on one episode, they took the lady they were making over to this self-helpy-cheeseball guy and he told her something that stuck in my head. he said "I cannot control how I am perceived, I can only control how I am presented." It works for interior stuff, not just fashion.

I shudder to think of the day when Laurie is so busy living life that she has to give up this blog. But boy, I'm so glad I was here to experience it.

You make me very proud to be a woman, Laurie.

And if your book is ANYTHING like the 'Chicken Soup' series, then by God, I already know I'm going to LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

I know I will pretty much love ANY book in the 'Chicken Soup' series, and by association, anything those guys publish.

People who don't like the 'hokey' Chicken Soup books are [IMHO] assholes who can't face the tender loving parts of their own souls. Which is why we cry and tear up while reading them.

If 'feeling' is what keeps me from being a cranky old lady who goes to book signings and says rude things, then I'm all for it!
.

laurie, YOU ARE NOT HOKEY. please. you are amazingly talented and honest and brave.that's what you are!

also, i think it's not only about not pleasing everyone, but there are some people out there that just can't say one nice thing. they are just plain negative and miserable and want you to be as miserable as they are. very sad.

I'll have to go back and read the other comments. For now I just want to say you make me laugh AND cry. Thanks for taking us along on your journey. It helps us to grow too.

I thought you might be interested in these September reviews I found:

http://www.tiny.cc/tVyqc

Thanks so much for your writing-- I don't care how anyone describes it--- for me it is sometimes uplifting, sometimes brutally real, always authentic and VERY much a BRIGHT SPOT in my day... no matter how bad a day I am having. I am grateful that you right. We may never meet... you may never even read this-- but i just need to say THANK YOU for writing and sharing so much with all of us in the on-line, kntting and now the reading ...worlds.

Dear Laurie:

I love you just the way you are (in a totally straight, non-stalker kind of way). That lady who criticized you? Besides being incredibly rude, she has to live with herself as a rude person. You get to live with yourself as a kind, caring, wonderful human being.

your book was even better the second time around.

:)

Amen!

Just wanted to let you know that while I am neither drunk nor divorced (being 20 and single) and am only occasionally covered in cat hair (living in a dorm), I enjoyed your book and did not find it one bit hokey. In fact, I was trying to finish it before my roommate woke up, and was laughing so hard I had to shut the door to my half of the suite. Reading your blog entries is one of the highlights of my day. Keep it up. And as an aspiring fiction author, try "something novel" (sorry, pardon my bad puns :D ). It's a lot of fun!

I (like so many others) am so incredibly proud of you -- you've come such a long way and are such an inspiration to us all. Thank you for being our friend, for sharing yourself with us.

You are not a cheeseball but a honeycomb - full of sweet little bits of pure power, intelligence, self-awareness and love for us and yourself.

Blessings on you and yours, furballs included.

Hmmm...hokey woman must really really like cheesy books, 'cause otherwise how would she be able to recognize them so well? She sounds like a positive expert! [g] Bet she read every word of your book and couldn't put it down until she finished!

You are just fine, girl. Don't overthink it, don't sweat the small stuff, and relax and enjoy it. Onward!

BTW: I concur about the alleged 'hokey-ness'. You ain't hokey. You're endearing, to say the least. You also aren't cheesy. However, if you WERE, we'd still love ya to death.

Now, for some real hokey with a side of cheese:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDOFj9yjO7Y

Thought you could use a belly-laugh. I'm in tears. My one-year-old niece has just "discovered" this. It's HER first belly-laugh not induced by some adult RE-duced to her level. Tee-hee !

Cheers !

PS: Sorry about the earworm... I just realized... Damn.

The hardest thing for me to remember is that praise and criticism are two side of the very same coin. I just have to rest in what I am at the moment, not good or bad.

Dear Laurie,

I am so glad you are writing. The Cannolli speaks to me through you sometimes, and man, I need those words.

And everyone knows that life without cheese would be so tasteless and bland. The cheese, it is necessary! Cheese blintzes. Grilled cheese sandwiches. Cheesecake. Fondue. Brie. Macaroni and you-know-what. Cheetos (close enough). So girl, bring the cheese whenever you want, however you want. It will seem like manna from heaven (or the words of the Cannolli) to someone.

Love,

Val (who wanted to see/meet you in Houston but ended up taking care of a sick kiddo! Glad you had a good time here!)

Thank you for this post - I know you wrote it for you - but the timing of reading this post, couldn't be better for me. Here's a possibly inappropriate, but heartfelt ((hug)) for you from me. Thank you.

Hi Laurie,

My favorite sign/t-shirt/quote is "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either."

Go, you!

I am ten years older than you and am just starting to figure out what you said so well.

And the "check please" thing? With a certain group of my friends, it's "Taxi!" It originates with a college friend who sadly is no longer with us.

You may have a lot of L.A. in you after all these years but you are still a dyed-in-the-wool Southern woman. You go, girl.

Laurie, you rock! You will always have a special place in this total stranger's heart for writing what you just did. Bless you.

Pam

Thank you for writing this. I've had a rubbish weekend, where I've sat and blamed myself for lots of things. You've reminded me that I don't have to get everything right all the time. Thank you for being so open, and sharing the good times and the bad times.

Sarah

Thanks for such a great post. I think you do a wonderful job of saying the things most of the rest of us are struggling to say. And that must be why so many people are touched by your writing.

When I was a kid we had an illustrated book of Aesops's fables. The one I remember the most vividly is the one about pleasing people, something I struggle with too as I try to negotiate the liminal space of grad school (no longer a student but not yet a colleague). I will keep your great stories in mind as I work on this next chapter of my dissertation!

So here's one version of the fable. Thank goodness for public domain, it's so hard to relate this (maybe it's the presence of a donkey in the story) in a non-awkward way in my own words.

http://www.aesops-fables.org.uk/aesop-fable-the-man-the-boy-and-the-donkey.htm

All my best wishes,
Anna

I'm proud of you and love hearing of your growing adventures. You go, girl!

Your story reminded me of when I was much younger and struggling with being a people pleaser. One of those "gotcha" moments happened to me -- a phrase a church speaker said (I think his name was Dr. Dobbins) -- anyway, he said one important phrase that became my mantra for many years -- "It would be nice if everybody liked me, but it's not necessary." Simple little sentence, but it did so much to help me. Now, I'm 50-something. By this time in my life, I've progressed to this point -- if someone doesn't like something about me -- I really don't give a Sh#$@!! Would that church man be proud of me or what??? I really don't give...well, you know.

Great post! I love your writing; hokey or cheesy or profound (or profane), doesn't matter a whit.

You rock, and that is all that matters. Thanks for reminding me that I can rock too! It's all a matter of choice.

anyone who says you or your book is hokey, like it's a bad thing, doesn't realize that life is kinda hokey sometimes. It's the hokey bits that get us through the crappy bits.

up with hokey!

"I love that feeling of letting it go"...oh man, am I working on that one! It's one of those feelings that at times is so close and then slips away. But I'm going to keep trying. I've been pondering a new career path and you've really got me thinking.

A suggestion: Next time someone makes that kind of comment, politely ask them why. (You could even use the bless-your-heart phrase, just to demonstrate your Southernness. (giggle)) Once you know why someone makes that kind of judgment, you'll know if it's something you need to pay attention to. Especially since many of those kinds of judgment are a reflection of their past history and have absolutely nothing to do with you. Sometimes their reasons are utterly foolish -- it can be a real eye-opener.

It's good to be free of the people-pleasing urge. Too often we make the wrong kind of decisions based on that desire. I'm glad you've felt yourself grow past that.

Laurie, that Hokey Woman? All righty, she took the time out of her life to: read the book; come BACK to the bookstore; sit through your talk; stand in line; and THEN tell you it was "hokey" ?!?

What's happened in her life that she needed to make that effort to say that?

You can tell anyone in the future, though, that if it's Hokey to them, it's Hokay with you!

And I'm thinking, the California Southern lady? Maybe she's read that you worry that you sound TOO southern sometimes, and that nobody would understand you on the tour, and she was trying to reassure you? That she meant well?

And that, of course, is the best comeback to any line that sounds awful like that: "I'm sure you MEAN well!" Because sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't, and sometimes it'll keep that from doing it to the next one.

Still trying, at fifty, to learn the hard lesson that you CAN'T please all the people. Or, sometimes, any of them. Ever.

Seriously, you are channeling the inner me (that I want to be) and expressing every feeling I have about that exact same situation! In 6 months I will be 40 (dear God) and I am trying so hard to let go. So so hard.
Maybe that lady was struck dumb by meeting a fab-u-less celebrity and something stupid came flying out of her mouth. Or maybe she is just evil.

The woman who used "hokey" in her conversation with you ... that means she read the book ... that means you touched her, too. Perhaps 'hokey' was her way of saying (without knowing her own heart yet) that she wasn't ready to face some of the things that you wrote about in your book. Without a generous heart, others' success can be seen as a reflection of their limitations. You have a generous heart! Thank you for giving of yourself, and taking care of yourself!

(((((hug))))))

Laurie,

Just be "Laurie enough," okay?

The imaginary (but very powerful) black hole of
Not Enough is *never* satisfied. Ignore it.

Just be Laurie. THAT's enough.

P.S. Bought your book. Read it. Loved it. Read it too fast,actually, so I read it AGAIN and loved it even more! It really could be a screen play. Maybe while the WGA is on strike, some screenwriter will read it.

You can't please everyone, so just be yourself. It is hard, though sometimes, so kudos for grabbing the illumination moment! Don't feel alone, though, we love you!

Oddly enough, it was Ozzy Osbourne that gave me some insight to being authentic and absolutely true to myself. It was very freeing when I finally took that to be my internal motto, meaning I didn't have it printed on t-shirts, but I WOULD repeat it to myself when I needed to.

From "Lightning Strikes":

I'm not apologizing
I am what I am
There is no compromising
I don't give a damn

People can be so weird. You're brave for putting yourself out there; it makes me think that the judgey people have some kind of inability to understand the rules of social discourse. Maybe they have Aspergers or something. Or were raised by wolves. If it happens again, I hope you say, "check, please" and move them right along.

The perfect title for your next book -
"You're a brave girl Ms. Purl..."

And I agree with a previous poster, everything is better covered with cheese...........

I've never understood why people think they are entitled to comment on personal aspects. You wrote a book--you didn't ask her what she thought about your accent. Besides, being Southern is a state of mind as much as an accent. I think it's arrogance that makes people give their opinion unsolicited. Like they think we CARE what their opinion is!! I think you're wonderful. I really enjoyed your book and your patterns too. Your blog is sometimes painful but always enlightening. Keep it up!!

Laurie, you are truly inspiring and I am so proud of your "illuminating event". It's something I need to work on too. Thank you for sharing, and putting yourself out there. I feel this book is the tip of the iceburg of more good things to come. Take care!

Laurie, you never fail to make me feel better about myself when you have these kinds of revelations. I am a worrier and a rehasher of everything too. And even now, when I felt a tiny little bit of unexplained panic setting in, I came to your blog and after reading it you've reminded me to just let it go.

Thanks for being you, hon.

xo

Laurie, you are truly inspiring and I am so proud of your "illuminating event". It's something I need to work on too. Thank you for sharing, and putting yourself out there. I feel this book is the tip of the iceburg of more good things to come. Take care!

Laurie, you are truly inspiring and I am so proud of your "illuminating event". It's something I need to work on too. Thank you for sharing, and putting yourself out there. I feel this book is the tip of the iceburg of more good things to come. Take care!

Laurie, you are truly inspiring and I am so proud of your "illuminating event". It's something I need to work on too. Thank you for sharing, and putting yourself out there. I feel this book is the tip of the iceburg of more good things to come. Take care!

Laurie, you are truly inspiring and I am so proud of your "illuminating event". It's something I need to work on too. Thank you for sharing, and putting yourself out there. I feel this book is the tip of the iceburg of more good things to come. Take care!

I love your insights and especially how you communicate them so they inspire the rest of us! It's a talent, a wonderful, special talent.

What's amazing is how when you let go of fearing being judged, you also moved into thinking that the Nashville woman was making chitchat.

I'm finding that the worst judgers are the ones who hate themselves the most. When one learns to love his/her unique eccentricities, how can there be room to judge anyone else's eccentricities?

When a stranger snaps at me, I try to think, maybe s/he got fired, received divorce papers, had an extraordinary bad day - it has nothing to do with me.

Everyone is afraid of not fitting in, of not being liked, of being rejected. In fact, as human beings, it is our NUMBER ONE FEAR. Can you imagine? So if we all feel this way, why do we treat each other so carelessly? :(

Laurie, just when I think I’ve got it all together, my old enemy “self doubt” rears its ugly head and I start worrying about stuff. Then I read your blog, realize there are other women who feel like I do, and I feel better.

So thank you for bringing us all together and helping us to feel better about ourselves. Your journey is unique; yet it is universal. The courage you show in sharing the trip with us is tremendous and I am thankful to you for doing it.

you know, sincerity and earnestness are nowhere near 'hokey.'

also, perfection isn't the eradication of flaws; it's the acceptance of them as part of the whole that makes us.

Dear Laurie,
I'm finally delurking to tell you that I love your blog, and your book is on my 'buy list'. Like many other women, I was raised to be a people pleaser, by my parents. Now that I'm 58, I'm not, which is why I'm still alive. Being a people pleaser can kill you.

Also, what's up with people and accents. I was born and raised in Maine (going home soon!), and have lived in Missouri and Kansas for nearly 40 years. People out here still tell me that I 'talk funny', and my mother tells me that I talk funny. If we speak that language clearly enough that our listeners can understand us, then we don't 'talk funny'!

You are an inspiration to me. Truly. And what is true for you can't be true for everyone, but anyone who can't see the truth shining through your book -- and I don't mean every word literally true, I mean the essential Laurieness -- well. And for you to put that out there for the whole world to get their grubby paws on is just amazing.

And if we ever meet I am taking you out for nachos absolutely dripping with cheese, and maybe a drink or three. And cheesecake for dessert.

I finished your book last week and am now loaning it to a woman who works in my gym who just loved the cover.

It is a great book, and it is OK to have your life good enough to be "hokey".

Enjoy your new life :-) God only knows I still struggle with mine.