« The writers are on strike! | Main | About Email »

November 7, 2007

I'm going to Miami! (Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation to have you singing.)

Going to Miami ... Bienvenidos a Miami!

Before I go to the book fair, I'll be yarn shopping! If you live nearby, stop in and say hey ...

The Yarn Tree
Friday, November 9, 2007
3 p.m.
1418 S. Federal Hwy.
Dania Beach, FL 33004

We'll be chatting and signing books and you get to meet Kim, too, who somehow got shackled into driving me places. I haven't warned her that I sing in the car. A LOT. Whoopsy!

And then... drumroll, please...

Miami Book Fair International
Saturday November 10, 2007
Event begins at: 1:30 pm
Miami Dade College
Room 3315 -- Building 3, 3rd Floor

This event has the potential to be hilarious or disastrous or both. I am speaking side by side with the kind, incredibly smart and talented Dr. Michael Adamse, he's an HCI author who wrote an inspirational book called God's Shrink.

Doesn't that seem... funny? Like the jokes kind of write themselves, you know?

1) God's Shrink speaks for 20 minutes, then you get to see my publicist and friend Kim Weiss try to figure out how to gracefully segue way from God and psychiatry to introducing the girl who uses the word cootchie not once but like thirty-seven times in her book.

2) Also, guess which author demanded that if they were coming to Miami (Bienvenidos a Miami...) they better darn well have a naked Ricky Martin lookalike waiting at the hotel. One guess. Go ahead, I'll wait.

3) Guess who got turned down.

4) Which begs the question... if I sit on the lap of God's Shrink, will I be closer to God?

5) And if I try to get God's Shrink liquored up and telling me tales, will that make me closer to divinity or will it get me an engraved placard and permanent table setting in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks?

6) Also, do you think maybe everyone in Miami will be wearing bikinis? Except me of course. Ya'll know I never wear lumpy white after Labor Day HAHAHAHA. Not coincidentally, I need to ask this book publishing world to please send me to places where I can wear a parka.

7) I am going to be sitting next to God's Shrink. And speaking after God's Shrink. And in all of this you know what I am most worried and preoccupied with? That I will possibly have to forego my Spanx because of the humidity. Yes, folks, I am sitting next to a man with a doctorate who will be speaking on divinity and I have to come up with something witty to say that doesn't make me appear like a total dumbaii and all I can think about are my smooshy parts being free to roam about without the comforting bonds of my industrial-strength underwear. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME, PEOPLE.

So there you have it, Welcome to Miami! Ya'll come see someone with a phD and someone without Spanx speak at the Miami International Book Fair. Actually, now that I think about it... one thing Dr. Adamse and I have in common is I bet he'll be without Spanx on, too! Or at least I assume so. (I do believe I just figured out the first question I'm asking Dr. Adamse! "Dear Sir, how does God's Shrink feel about the new trend of girdles disguised as pantyhose?")

Also, I am totally going to start telling people I have a phD in Felineology, which sounds more scientific than Drunkenology, or Bootyology, don't you think?

And because I haven't used the word "also" enough in the past month....

Also -- Cat Sweaters!
I will be announcing the winners of the multiple Drunk, Divorced & Covered in Cat Sweater Sweepstakes on Friday, November 16, 2007. YEE HAW!!! Thanks for your patience, I am kind of having trouble keeping up with my head these days. So this gives me time to assemble the photo gallery, which is not only massive it is also hilarious. Thank God (and his Shrink) for the invention of Flickr, because it will make this gallery not only function correctly, but might even keep my head from exploding. This also gives me time to notify and verify the winners.

Anyway, that's all folks! Comments are currently closed because not only will I be sexually harassing inspirational authors and making self-conscious panty-line checks, I will also be innernetless. C'est la Miami!

Posted by laurie at November 7, 2007 9:30 AM