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October 29, 2007

Mouth, not connected to brain. It is a problem. Hi!

I am finally in Nashville!!! Scene of the crimes of my youth! We used to drive up here and try hard to get in trouble but we were a little nerdy for real trouble to befall us, so mostly we did things like tell dumb ghost stories and dare each other to swim in the rock quarry where supposedly men are still to this day sitting in the big industrial machinery that were at the bottom of the quarry when it filled with water. I myself was more afraid of the preternatural "swim in the quarry with your boyfriend and end up preggers" ghost story. Ya'll know of what I speak.

So even though you totally want to watch that cute Sabrina Bryan on Dancing With The Stars tonight, since I am missing it you need to miss it too and come visit with me and chitchat and carryon at Shopryland ...

Tonight! 7:00 PM
Barnes & Noble
515 Opry Mills Drive, Nashville, TN

I will be there and I am on the last leg of the third leg of the tour, which seems auspicious, and so Lord only knows what will come out of my mouth.

It has been trying thus far, what with my mouth being seemingly disconnected from the thinking part of my head...

Totally weirdo thing that came out of my mouth #1:

"I know lots of other speakers here have PhDs I do not know why they invited me. But! I do have a PhD in Drunkenology!"
This was said to an entire roomful of women at a Women's Empowerment Conference in Peoria, Illinois. Why I thought THESE were the credentials to tell a room of people I will never know. Help me.


Totally weirdo thing that came out of my mouth #2:
"I think maybe Roy was reincarnated into a horse."
This one I said in Seattle and the woman who was the recipient of this craziness was kind enough not to call security on me. She just hugged me and informed me she has seven cats. I love cat ladies.


Totally weirdo thing that came out of my mouth #3:

"LIE TO ME."
This was said to the lovely, smart, extraordinary Fran Harris, when she told me she'd been traveling for weeks (she has a multimedia empire, and was one of the speakers at the Women's Convention with a PhD). Then she told me how she'd had to spend the night at O'Hare because of a flight glitch. My response? I didn't utter the normal "Oh, that sucks..." or "Oh, how uncomfortable!" No no no. Instead, I said, "Oh my God, that's not glamorous at all. I need you to tell me this gets glamorous at some point. LIE TO ME. LIE TO ME, WOMAN."


Totally weirdo thing that came out of my mouth #4:
"I wish I could have pulled an 'Eat, Pray, Love' but I was broke and living paycheck-to-paycheck in a rented house in the valley and the closest thing I had to a religious experience was when I found a liquor store that delivered."
Again, said to a room full of people. Well, I am just being honest. (Apparently all the media coaching hasn't helped me at all. See "PhD in Drunkenology.")

Totally weirdo thing that came out of my mouth #5:
"I don't need another escort, Kim. I need a sherpa."
Me to my publicist Kim who is the skinniest, prettiest woman and she travels with a carry-on and I think my luggage actually weighs more than she does. In my defense, I have been in three-inch heels for sixteen days now and all my calories are being burned in my ankles so obviously my brain is not getting enough oxygen.

And speaking of three-inch heels...


Totally weirdo thing that came out of my mouth #6:

"What? Haven't you ever seen a fat girl run across a whole airport in three inch heels?"
Said by oh-so-klassy ("I am classy with a K") me to the gate agent at O'Hare when I was begging him to convert me from the dreaded stand-by to the glorious, amazing fully-ticketed passenger. Also, just in case you were wondering, it should not take seventeen hours to get from Minneapolis to Peoria. Really now. P.S. He took pity on the full-figured and I got on the flight. Yay!


So, anyway. Hi! How are you? Seen any good movies lately? Or airports? Because I have seen a lot of airports. I tried really hard to recreate the Senator-Craig-Is-Not-Gay foot swipe/toilet-paper-clean-up foreplay while I was in the Minneapolis airport, but I have germ issues and even my sense of humor was trumped by my deep need to wash hands and expediently exit the Contaminated Place. I am so sorry to disappoint. Maybe I can get arrested by the TSA for a Explosive Eye Cream or the Lipgloss of Last Resort or something.

(Dear TSA, just kidding! So do not want to get arrested and/or lose my Revlon Colorstay lipgloss!)

Minneapolis was awesome, and I got to see Annie and hang out with Minneapolins (yes? no?) and also have I ever told ya'll I have a list of 100 Things To Do Before I Die? Well, I do. And on this list, I want to visit all 50 states and so I got to cross off another to-do: Visit Minnesota! Which is gorgeous and amazing, even flying there is beautiful. I've traveled a lot in my life, I've been lucky, but most of that travel has been to Europe or Scandinavia and I'm slightly embarrassed that I haven't seen much of our own country. And even as you fly over it, it's breathtakingly beautiful, giant unspoiled areas of canyon and red rock and mountain and then rolling plains and trees changing colors and farmland carved out in squares and irrigated in these funny circles that make the land below the airplane seem like a pac-man convention. I feel so lucky to live some place so huge and diverse and surprising. This kind of traveling hasn't been the most leisurely, but it has been fun to see big chunks of my home country, new places I want to return to and spend more time in.

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I am one of those dorks who takes pictures from the airplane window. I am all about the window seat! Keeps me from feeling claustro, plus... majestic views from above!

In Minneapolis I was on a TV show where I forgot my beta blocker for the nervousness and was shaking like a leaf:

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Me and the gorgeous Corbin Seitz on the set of Showcase Minnesota, on KARE-NBC. Annie said that she and Gerry watched the show (it was live TV! crazy!) and you could see the trembling a little but not too bad. I loved the host, though. Corbin was awesome and she's originally from Kentucky! Love that.

Later we hit up the Yarnery, a super-cute local yarn shop by Annie's house and if you saw me there please disregard the flop sweat, I thought it was going to be a teetiny "Hi! How are you?" thing but it turned out to be an impromptu big reading and signing and I have not gotten good yet at impromptu. I am the sort of person who enjoys knowing what will be happening in the next few minutes of my life (oh, the consternation this causes) and so ... you know. Lord I was shiny. Also you will notice in this picture I am in a blue shirt:

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That is big face with pretty Sarah from the Yarnery who is so friendly and cute.

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The Yarnery crew!

And later that night for the reading I was in a new, silver shirt because of the aforementioned "sweated nervously through my clothes" issue. For those of you who do not have social anxiety, why don't we switch places? Just for the impromptu stuff? On the other hand, surely I am burning some calories, right? I am going to believe the answer to that one is a vigorous YES INDEEDY!

But oh I had the best time at the Mall of America reading and signing event! Look who it is!!!! Me and Dale-Harriet and her daughter!!!

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I felt like I was meeting family for the first time!

The Barnes & Noble event was beyond fun, plus Annie brought her amazing kids Hannah and Max and Gerry even came, too, which was more of an honor than I can tell you. Annie and I have this crazy connection where we seem to be together on October 25th, which is a kind of auspicious day in my history.

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Annie and I are very serious people. Yo.

After Minneapolis I flew to Chicago. Rather, I waited in the airport while someone built us a new plane and then flew to Chicago where I had by then missed all connecting flights to Peoria and by the time I got there I was so happy and tired I actually accepted a ride to the hotel from a complete stranger. OH YES I DID. He was nice and did not have axe-murdering credentials, plus he knew someone who knew this other person who knew me and it's a long story but I did make it to the hotel in time to wash my face, get dressed and have dinner with the rockin' Empowerment Crew:

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Me, Fran Harris and Kim Weiss and Joy Miller.
Also, doesn't it look like my boobs are trying to make a run for the wine glass?

Kim is my adored and adorable publicist and also the person I most want to do a good job for, she gave the go-ahead for this whole tour thing so you can imagine I want to do well in front of her and not say things such as "I have phD in Drunkenology." I was probably more nervous about Peoria than any other event because I knew she'd be there and I want to not screw up too much and get fired from my own book tour. Although that would make for a funny story.

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Me and Kim!

The Women's Lifestyle Show was a really fun event, with over 10,000 women in attendance! There were booths with tons of free swag and I got to watch Kim speak and got to hear Joy's presentation and had the opportunity to hear Fran present, too, which was good because I even learned a few things! (Fran is also an HCI author, and her book is a good read, empowering and not starting with the word "Drunk." I am trying to start an HCI Author Club, but no one seems that up for it yet. Maybe we need like a gang sign or something. Do you think Jack Canfield, dude who was on Oprah, will go for it? If I promise real hard not to spill things on him?)

My hotel room in Peoria was also larger than my entire house and had two bathrooms. Had I been there longer I could have moved in, made friends, and entertained a room of 50 in that suite. AWESOME. I am going to admit to you right now that I used both bathrooms ... just because. I felt bad because I knew they would have to come in and clean two bathrooms when I left but then again, I kind of hope they do that anyway, and I just couldn't help myself. Two bathrooms! I felt like I was royalty. My little house has one bathroom the size of a closet. I didn't know whatto do with myself in such spaciousness. So I washed my hands a lot in various sinks, what can I say.

And now I am in Nashville and ya'll have to come tonight to tell me if this shirt I am planning to wear is cute or trashy, I honestly cannot tell. On the one hand it's a Karen Kane top and her clothes always fit me so well (she designs for women who have these mysterious things called "boobs" that other designers seem to forget some of us have.) And yet on the other hand it seems like it might be a tee-tiny bit on the Tanya Tucker in her rhinestone days, you know? I decided to save it for Nashville because I knew ya'll would understand the Tanya reference. It is so nice to be in a place where people understand the way I talk! And my escort, this fabulous gentleman named Lex, showed up waiting for me at the airport wearing a suit and he even had a pocket square. I am not lying. He is right out of a Harper Lee story, I am in love with him. I plan to get him liquored up after the event and hear many tall tales.

Well, that's all for now, I have to find some caffeine. Thank you so much for coming to these events so far, I was so worried I would be bad at this and no one would stay afterwards because of the "foot permanently ensconced in mouth" issue, but ya'll have been gracious and not minded that I hug your necks with abandon and I thank you so much to each and every person who I've been blessed enough to meet so far. Thank you!

And for you Middle Tennesseans, I will see you tonight! Look for the one in the Tanya Tucker shirt!

p.s. Comments are currently open as I appear to have a good internet connection today. Woohoo! I can't believe I am saying this, but I actually missed the internet. Good Job Al Gore, you invented something I need! Love you! I'm in Nashville... call me Al...


Peoria & Minneapolis pictures on Flickr here >> (I'm still working on the captions)

Posted by laurie at October 29, 2007 11:03 AM