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October 23, 2007

Airport Terror Level Threat Color: Waterproof Barely Brown

The fires scorching across Southern California are scary. I don't want to talk about them. I have to leave my house tomorrow and fly to Minnesota and I am scared to leave the cats with poor air quality and a state that is on fire. So I am not going to think about the fires this morning.

Nope. Instead I am going to tell you about an even scarier thing, one that should put the fear of God and also cosmetics right into you the next time you fly. I am talking about what is clearly the greatest threat to our national security at this time:


Yes. It is the Mascara of Mass Destruction.

I would like to formally apologize to the people who were nearly tragically harmed by this obviously killer cosmetic. It had escaped my makeup bag and somehow in the madness of the past few weeks ended up at the bottom of my handbag, my vast labyrinthine handbag of fabulousness and apparently, terror.

I tried. I tried so hard to assure the TSA screener at the airport that it was an oversight, not intended to divert my plane from its destination, merely a way to get my stupid blonde eyelashes to show up in public.

The TSA man searched my bag for a full twenty minutes for the offending terror tool, and when he emerged, triumphant, thoroughly exhausted and also suspicious of me, The One Who Was Obviously A Terrorist, he held the nuclear mascara of death in his gloved hand and said, "This is unacceptable."

And I said, "Dude, it may be from the drugstore but in consumer ranking reports it is always the clear winner in the mascara trials. I have the Bourgeous Brown Velvet mascara that I got from Sephora for $22 when I though I could buy happiness and let me tell you. It does not work. I need Maybelline."

And he said, "That is not what I meant."

And I said, "Please don't arrest me. Not all of us have naturally velvety brown eyelashes."

Unfortunately, as it turns out, while the TSA has many things such as blue plastic gloves, big x-ray machines and trashcans filled with water bottles, it does not have one crucial component and that is ... sense of humor. Do not joke with the TSA about your eyelashes. You will be pulled aside into a personal screening area where you are fondled and well, actually he was kind of cute so that wasn't too bad, but it really does put a crimp in the time you can spend drinking at the airport bar. I am just suggesting. If it happens to you and all.

But this story has a happy ending because along with the help of a supervisor and another be-gloved TSA screener (plus let us not forget the cute guy whose sole job it is to fondle the mascara-weilding passengers) we were all finally FINALLY able to neutralize the threat by safely encasing it in a ziploc baggie.

I wasn't sure we would survive, but as it turns out what stands between the human race and total thermonuclear annihilation is... the ziploc baggie. Quart size.


I apologize, America. I did not mean to raise the terror threat to Waterproof Barely Brown. I'll be calling a press conference later next week and explaining why I was caught next Friday in the bathroom stall in Minneapolis sluttily applying said mascara to my eyelashes and when doing so conveyed that I was a gay senator from Idaho. Or Iowa. Or somewhere definitely not on fire. I did not even seek counsel.

I have shamed my constituents, my family, and most of all my blonde eyelashes.

I beg for forgiveness. And thank God for the ziploc baggie.

Posted by laurie at October 23, 2007 9:55 AM