i saw a wreck today on the way to school; a person in the straight lane turned right on a red, cutting across the right turn lane (where he was supposed to be to begin with) and t-boned the person who was on-coming and had a green light. duh
wowsers! am i 1st? im never first

Did you purposefully pose your windshield wiper to block out that guy's license plate? That is pretty impressive!

This is unrelated to your post, but I bought your book last night! I read it on the bus this morning (the bus that is the only way I stay sane during my commute), and I love it so far!

First!?! Is it possible?

My secret to dealing with traffic is to bring a crossword puzzle with me. Whenever there is stoppage, I can focus on my little alzheimer-delaying exercise. It makes waiting MUCH easier for me and for some reason, the buttheads don't bother me nearly as much.

I do have to struggle not to key the car of the guy who deliberately takes up 2 parking spaces because he's so much more important than everyone else. Not really, but I really, really, really want to slap an "I park like an a$$hole!" bumper sticker on his shiny car.

Also? I suspect Deepak would understand.

I watched Point of Impact last nite on Court TV (I think). If I hadn't already mellowed out on my aggressive driving (due to advanced age, no doubt), that certainly would have swayed me. You'd be (I AM!) amazed at the stuff I let go of, since moving to LA.

And also? His penis is prolly already so small falling off wouldn't make a difference. That's why he's such a dick.

BTW - I am in DC. We're #2 on that list I think.

Oh Laurie, I feel your pain! I live in California too and the drivers are like that everywhere! We get a the "Woohooo! I'm goin' to Vegas!" drivers every weekend.

Love your prayers too!

I don't know where NYC lands in the ratings of bad traffic, but I know what you mean about traffic refining/changing personality. I drive a Mini Cooper, and I find myself having to be careful not to call too many people dumbass while driving. Especially in the seasons when the windows are down. I just keep telling myself that venting keeps my blood pressure from going too high. But maybe I should try some prayer!

May i borrow the
"And if his penis falls off later that would be OK, too."
prayer? Pretty please?
My divorce was final as of 10:22 this morning. i think that prayer could come in handy . . .
Send wine. Oh, God - send wine. Does that count as a prayer?

Traffic sucks here in Atlanta too. I have a 5.4 mile commute. It takes me 40 minutes (at least). One night last week it took me 58 minutes to go 1.8 miles from my office to the expressway.

Totally off topic Laurie, but I know how you love okra. Have you heard of the Okra Strut Festival in South Carolina? http://www.irmookrastrut.com/ I've never been but thought of you when a link for it popped up on some site I was browsing recently.

Most frequently heard comment in my car: "Moooooooom! You shouldn't be calling people bad names!" Quickly followed by "Mom, what does ***** mean?" Momma has a bit of a potty mouth in traffic ;)

A few weeks ago, someone honked at US because he ran a stop sign, which he didn't see because he was sending text messages while he was driving. I swear, some days, it is all I can do not to strap a rocket launcer on my car.

Laurie, I find having something prepared and taped to the dash is easier than trying to make something up (especially when all you really want to do is kick in their windsheild--girl you know I live in L.A. too). I'd make a copy of the serenity prayer and tape it to the dash. Just leave it to the Lord because you know Karma is a bitch.

You know, I think it is ok to direct a wee bit of hate towards the drivers who do rude, illegal DUMBASS things on purpose. We all have little brain lapses while driving, but there are those who act as though they are the most important person on the road at all times, with no regard for the safety of others. So I hate on them. Because when traffic is crazy stalled due to an accident and it takes me THREE HOURS to get home, it is their fault. Also, I thought I was the only one who ever said "Christ on a cracker". Good to know I'm in good company!

Oh my god! I am always wishing for dude's penises to fall off too! (The bad drivers, anyway) Thank god I'm not the only one.

Don't feel too bad about the road rage. I think even the Dalai Lama himself would get road rage in Los Angeles.

This is why when I fly out to LA tomorrow I'm being picked up by my friend at LAX and I will not drive while I am there. No freaking way. We're going to hang out for 3 days and knit.

Well, I'm going to knit. She's going to spin.

And play with kittens. Very cute kittens.

All of this makes me glad that my commute is down the stairs to the office, in my PJs.

That's my brother!!! (or maybe not)...just call him "Needle-Dick" and let it go. Boston's no better...

That is too funny!
I frequently am hateful to other drivers because they do tres dumass things like not use their blinkers or cut me off or speed around me when I am already going 10 miles over the speed limit and my little car won't go any faster.
sometimes I think my car is invisible!

My policy on road-rage is to keep all cussing and hand-gestures out of ear-shot/view of the other cars. After all, I'm in Austin and Texas is a concealed-weapon state. You never know who's packing heat in the glove compartment and it's possible that the jerk who's driving so badly around you has just been dumped by his girlfriend/been fired/lost his dog/had a horrible day in general and your middle finger is his last straw.

In some ways, Texas is still the Wild West and I figure it's self-preservation to just let it go.

His karma will be getting a carpool ticket.

Hey Laurie,

Thought you might get a kick out of this - just picture the guy as the one in the green car...
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

That makes LA driving nearly on par with driving in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where I'm from. I could drive like Colin McRae and I still would refuse to drive there because I would rather not be killed.

By the way, I'm glad I'm not the only one whose minimal hate declaration is, "I hope your bollocks fall off."

I used to try to calm my husband down when he would get rageful at other drivers. "It's over now, honey," I'd say, patting his arm. That just made him more upset. "Why aren't you on my side?" he asked in frustration.

Now, when he cusses out another driver, I pat his arm and say, "That's right, honey. And he's got a saggy ass and hairy ears, too."

This is exactly who no one should carry a gun in their car. I mean, who could resist?

And also, I have a theory that this is why I'm not granted magical powers. Because I wouldn't be able to resist giving the guy a case of terrible diarrea.

In fact, based on that I amuse myself in the car with my "magical powers." If someone does something nasty, I wave my hand at them and say outloud, "diarrea for you today." If someone does something nice (or just deserves a good wish because they are cycling in the rain or something), then I wave my hand and wish chocolate chip cookies their way today.

I tend to amuse easily.

I always kinda secretly wish that I'm going to pass them later on the freeway, stopped by a cop. VERY rarely, it happens and then it makes my day! In another life I'll be a really good person, this one's just too short. :)

I've learned to be a little more tolerant of bad drivers when my sons started driving and I realized that there are rookie drivers out there and they may not be Idiots but rather Ignorant or Inexperienced. Or they could be someone you know (like the coworker I flipped off (when he cut me off) only to have to meet up with him in the parking lot, he didn't appologize and neither did I).

For those true Idiots you can always report them by calling #DWI on your cell phone, just pull over first.

I bet Deepak would pray for him to be reincarnated as a higher life form. Like, say, a bug. And then maybe Deepak could come back as a windshield.

Traffic in Boston is bad as well. I regularly perform death-defying feats to get to work in one piece while driving on the Pike.

Love the prayers. Mine often sound like that.

i don't know about in LA, but in boston cops hang out in the carpool lane on the lookout for asshats who think that their fat asses are another person.

Seriously, Laurie, this one did it.

I am a less then perfect knitter, yet your posts regarding knitting frustrations and the remedies of simple, lovely patterns did not move me to comment.

While not divorced, I have seen/had/crushed/been crushed by my fair share of men. And like you, drank wine to cushion it all. Yet I stayed silent.

Cats and dogs. I have lost one of each recently, and yet your heartbreak over Roy, while it made me hot-faced and crying at work, did not cause me to reach out to you.

But this. The cracker and the penis and the turning into someone angry behind the wheel at all the WRONG RUDE DRIVERS. Me. That’s SO me. And I'm Canadian.

Thanks for this entry and for this blog.

Yes well the Dalai Lama doesn't have to drive in LA does he? Hell I live in Oregon and there are people here who would have made Mother Teresa curse and use her middle finger had she ever had to drive near them, and I have the deepest respect for BOTH Mother Teresa and the Dalai Lama. Dunno about Deepak though, who knows? Maybe he kicks kittens when no one is looking.

eh.. mary's a wimp. the pike is child's play. route 128 where people are ALLOWED to drive in the breakdown lane, now that's scary.

Small towns aren't immune, either. We've got quite the elderly/out-of-town visitor population. They either have no idea where they're going or they just can't see where they're going. Lots of swearing in the car. The Husband's worse than I am. I'm ok with them in town. But get me out on my twisty back roads & I get super pissed at the f'ing morons who are terrified of the f'ing road and insist on driving 25 mph (in a 45) and riding the brakes b/c the road has slight bends. Most of them then speed up on the straight parts, making passing impossible. Although I managed to pass 2 people today, who looked really surprised as I blew past them. That felt really good. :)

It's so hard teaching my son how to drive PROPERLY (acknowledging and/or obeying stop signs, red lights, yield signs and merging) when it seem that EVERYONE ELSE ON THE F&$%ING ROAD is either on the phone, texting on the phone, eating, picking their nose or sleeping while driving. I find myself, while driving with my 16 year old, telling him about what NOT to do using the many examples surrounding us on the road instead of telling him how to manuever correctly!

I believe that anytime you see a smashed up car (like that lovely gentleman that flipped you off) odds are the dents are ALL HIS FAULT. Just a theory of course!!

Oh and? I swear in traffic more than anyone I know. I am NOT NICE when I'm in my car.

My kids? They giggle and count how many times I say the "f word".

Maryse, yer funny!!! I'm just grateful I'm not on 128 to go to work. Or Rte 3. Egads. That road truly scares me.

Boston is really bad, too! And the roads are all curvey and one way and there are no street signs so you don't know where you are going and sometimes you have to navigate by the sun! But, I lived in L.A. for five years, and it wins for being worst ... hands down (or penis down)!

I have said a prayer similar to that many times sitting in the GOD AWFUL ATLANTA RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. Or the never ending construction here. My prayer goes more like this:

"Dear God. Please let that person find something foul permanently attached to his/her nether regions the next time they are in the shower. Thank you, I love you!"

I get so unbelievably angry in traffic too. My passive aggressive rage outlet is to flip off bad drivers below the steering wheel where they can't see it. It's incredibly silly (especially with others in the car) but it helps!

Living in the second place metropolis (Washington DC) in the traffic study, I fully understand your prayers. I keep praying for a magical machine that allows me to give those people 2 flat tires at least 5 miles from their destination, nowhere near a service station or tire store, and off to the side of the road where they can't block traffic. The tires would not go flat at the same time because that wouldn't be enough justice. The 2nd tire would go flat about 5 blocks after the 1st one was replaced and of course, no one has 2 spare tires (or at least almost no one does because as soon as I post this someone will write that they have 2 spares) so it would completely stop the idiots and allow the rest of us drive by gloating. It seems like such a simple request and the sense of justice I'd have would be so satisfying.

Of all the things that piss me off in traffic, the worst one is the asshat who thinks he is better than the rest of us and speeds around us, only to cut in at the front of the line.

Yes, I am not nice in traffic, either. And I like the penis-falling-off prayer, I'll be using that one.

I am blissfully all but free from bit city traffic, BUT... I so remember the pain.
And my solution for what I affectionately called Stop and Pause traffic. You know the drill, you're on the highway, traffic is stopped for no apparent reason. Every so often everyone gets to move forward just under one car-length, and you stop again. I live it now in line to drop off or pick up my kids from school (don't ask). My solution to the rage that welled up inside me every day? Knitting.
I'd keep a small project in the car at all times.
When stopping happened, I'd grab it, and knit until I actually got to not only take my foot off the brake, but apply pressure to the gas pedal. This often meant knitting while rolling forward, but I watched where I was going...
I found that knowing I made progress (even a row on a sock), made me more forgiving of the idiots, no... the assholes... oops... the .... persons driving the vehicles ahead of me, and the ones who cut me off just when I thought I'd get to go... etc. "Okay, you go ahead, I wanted to finish this row/needle/round/cable crossing anyway"
Once I found that, I stopped swearing a deep blue streak at all the other drivers. Likely saved my kids from becoming potty mouths.

The people who text while they drive need to have all their joints broken one by one and then sent to run marathons while carrying their cars on their backs. On another board, there was a post from a woman who'd lost her 28-year-old sister on Saturday - killed by someone who was texting while driving, leaving her sister's 5-year-old son an orphan, since his father was killed last year in Iraq.

Whatever it is, it can wait. IT CAN WAIT. Don't text and drive!!!

I am with Laustin! I have lived in Texas way too long to be rude on the road, or honk-y, or anything but extremely polite and patient.

Even when I wave to thank someone that let me in, I make sure that my fingers are straight and scrunched together, lest anyone think I am flipping them off.

The solution to rude drivers? Concealed handgun laws!!

The first time I ever said "f**k" in front of my grandmother, I was driving her car (with her as my passenger) and was nearly sideswiped by a woman in a SUV. I swore loudly, apolgized, and then commented that at least the SUV was the same color, so there would be no noticable exchange of paint. I think Nana had no idea what was going on.

I tend to have a constant snarky/obscene commentary going when I drive, especially when I drive alone (boyfriend is a bit weirded out by the volume of profanity I use), but my favorite thing to see is when the speeding jerk who is engaging in dangerous merge-ery gets caught up in some rubbernecking down the road, and I get to zip on by.....

I try to channel peace and serenity when I drive, but I mostly get stuck on the contempt and superiority stations, as in "How dare you endanger my life with your mobile stupidity?" We all have things to work towards. :)

Oh honey, I drive in Massachusetts which is just as bad. One of the rules here is to never use your turn signals... that is like giving information to the enemy. The other rule is to never make eye contact.

HA HA - I love that last prayer. I have a uni-sex prayer; p.s. I pray their hemorroids fall out. I'm real careful about selfish idiots on the road; sometimes I get the feeling they've got nothing to lose. I do often talk to myself about being glad ONE of us has a brain and some manners etc., etc.,

One time I was driving in rush hour traffic through The Canyon in downtown Dallas (which is not a geological canyon but a vast concrete trench that I-30 passes through) and some imbecile was weaving through the lanes, going waaay faster than any of the rest of us. He disappeared ahead of me, then the traffic got even slower. When I finally reached the slowdown, it was 3 cars -- the imbecile's car accordioned between 2 others. Finally, some justice.

Jenn -- when you find that car-mounted rocket launcher on the innernets, send us the link.

So funny. First off, I was just listening to the song from your title this morning for the first time in like 12 years. No kidding!

Secondly, I hate shitty drivers too, but here is what I try to do (occasionally)... I imagine that they are on the way to the hospital, either because their wife is there in labor or they just heard that their kid fell out a window or something.

Then I sort-of, kind-of, sometimes find myself hoping they get there safely. That's the best prayer (and self-delusion, but who's it hurting?) that I can muster. It's as Buddhist as I can get (no vegetarianism for me, either.) When I get mad, it doesn't stop them from being crap drivers, but it does cause me stress. So, it's what I do to change my opinion of the situation.

Oh, Laurie. I'm so impressed that you were calm enough to take that picture. Yesterday, I was in the left-turn lane, and a guy pulled in front of me from the right to make a left turn. Today, I was in the right-turn lane and someone pulled in front of me from the left lane to turn right.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?????
(Yes, I live in Southern California, too, though not in LA.)

This is why I long for use-able public transportation system in our city...and I don't even commute during rush hour.

I've lived in Las Vegas, Miami and Denver, plus I've had the fine time of driving in LA. It's ridiculous there. It's not a freeway, it's a parking lot.

I'm so glad I am now a mom and don't have to commute. And I think there are more than likely a few more live jerks because of it. Honey I didn't have road-hate...nope..I had road rage and was so happy I never had a gun in the glovebox!!!!

I'm only hoping Anna-Liza reads this post. She doesn't understand why I'm so reluctant to be driving into LA all the time for various exciting things, like your KnB and your book signing coming up.

Having learned to drive in Texas, and with the drive-by shootings in the news here so much, I repress my anger. I like your prayer though... hee hee...

you can out bad drivers by posting their plate numbers here: http://www.platewire.com/location/?California

its a nice little piece of revenge fur sure.

I don't know where Detroit falls on the list, but it has to be in the top 10. drivers here suck rocks. I wish I had a giant cow catcher on the front of my car so that I could shove people out of the way. I would be fair & just, and only torment those who deserved it.
But then again, I might get shot at.
I bought your book today at B&N. I almost had to have a coniption fit...their computer said it was in stock, and I couldn't find it. They had it alphabetized under 'C'. Crazy crackers. Maybe you should go to all your local bookstores and make sure they know how to spell. :)

They drive dumb as a sack of hammers down here too. Too bad you missed that jerk-off's license plate number. You could start a weekly post of "braindead drivers of the week" and put up all their license plates. Um... as long as none of them know where you live... My sympathies. Oh, I pray a lot of those prayers too!

I have to deal with some dumbass drivers, living in the Motor city.
Once somebody was trying to help me figure out what my life goals were; one thing I wrote was "Be less materialistic" the next thing I wrote was "Ignore that last rule and buy some sexy heels"
I applaud you attempting to go green with your cleaning products. I'm getting my family to start recycling, I don't think I can try to green clean until I've got my own place...

So with you all on this one. Houston traffic is horrible, and filled with more "I'm better than you" entitlement than I have ever seen. I'm usually in a small car or on a motorcycle, and it can be terrifying and infuriating and often is both. My vitriol in response to this has gotten so intense lately my poor husband started researching menopause ON HIS OWN. It isn't that, sweetie. Houston moved up to 7 on the list.
And I am SO stealing detaching penises and diarrhea for you today (thanks Laurie D. I laughed out loud). My personal fave--"May you never have another orgasm!"

I am very fortunate to have just a 12 minute drive to work, and very UNfortunate to have to get on the highway (for one exit) with others who have at least an hour of stop & go into the city (SF). If I had to go more than one exit, I'd have to shoot myself. You are doing quite well just to swear a bit and take pictures. The Dalai and Deepak have nothing on you.

the suckiest thing is about the near accident is if you hit any of the cars you would have been at fault for following too close and not controlling your vehicle.

I laugh when I see people force their way in - they usually have banged up cars (like your friend) and that makes me smile...

seriously, though, I try to be as courteous as possible - let people in even though they are crowding and cheating and cutting you off... and don't worry about it - it's not your fault that they're psychos and can't drive...

and from time to time, I think how fun it'd be just to hit them over and over until I knock their car off the road :) remember the Kathy Bates line... in Fried Green Tomatoes I think... where she bangs her way into a parking space... banging up the car in it... and her comment.. "I'm older and I've got more insurance"

:)

Too bad you couldn't snap a pic of his license plate and turn him in for reckless driving. Alas, I can imagine how futile that action would be. And you'd somehow get in trouble for doing it. That's what would happen to me anyway.

I don't think the Dalai Lama has to drive. So, you know, it's EASY for him.

My ex husband used to get so pissed because people wouldn't MOVE OVER AND LET HIM IN on the freeway. But he wouldn't use his turn signal! So they had no idea! What, they're supposed to be psychic??? He was just like that in our marriage, too, I'm so glad I'm not married to him anymore.

OK. I'll read all the comments in a minute, but I just have to say this:

DUMBASSERY!

I love it!
.

That last one was me.
.

My approach is to smile real big and wave as if they are my friend. This thoroughly baffles them. I'd like to think they are driving down the road thinking "Oh geez, which one of my friend did I but off?" Ha!

I tried SO hard not to laugh out loud as I read your post ILLEGALLY on my WORK computer... but I failed. Your prayer sounds just like the ones I try to say every morning as I make the 41/180 interchange up here in the central valley. Our traffic is nearly as bad but when the congestion or a tiny drop of rain hits, watch out for the swearing! :)

Hope your drive home is better.

What we need are ISM's: Idiot Seeking Missles. My cousins were going to develop them someday. Maybe I should check up on their progress...

Hi Laurie, I have nothing apropos of your topic to say except I hate driving in LA. But I wanted to let you know that we just had a baby girl and we named her Laurie after you. I hope she's as strong and awesome as you are when she grows up!

Not only would Deepak understand, I know God does also. This post reminds me of one of my favortie sayings about poor behavior "Even Gandhi would smack you!"

hopefully his penis has fallen off by now :)

i notice he's driving a mitsubishi mirage -- maybe he thinks the car has a cloaking device, making him invisible to other drivers. or shields.

Last week I drove several blocks with my window down and my finger in the single salute in resonse to obnoxious people who honk 1/2 sec after the light turns...GEEZ let my foot move...actually I'm pretty sure it was still in the process of changing...well, you can see how I've managed to move on from that @#*# experience....

If there is anything that can ruin a Zen spirit, it is traffic...I bet Deepak himself has uttered a few "JC on a cracker's" under his breath...(love that, by the way!) I mean how much can a person be expected to take...good job with the camera. I would never have thought to take a picture...OHMMMM

The nicest and sweetest of us turn into real bitches when it comes to traffic. If only people weren't so freaking self centered when they drove. Of course I was almost hit the other day by someone who just had to get somewhere before everyone else, so I might be a little biased on the subject.

Oh, Laurie.. THE traffic here (ok, be truthful the drivers here in Korea) are just horrible. They do have actual road rules and the such.. I know because I had to read the ENGLISH TRANSLATION to pass and get a Korean driver's license.. but,

HERE is what they do that makes me 'talk to them' in my stern teacher voice.. (*Yes, I know that they can't hear me or for that matter even understand what I am saying to them-- but, at least I've done my part and it keeps me from getting 'a stroke' from sudden onset high blood pressure.)

THEY love their car horns.. I (from the south) was taught.. you use you horn for 2 reasons:
1. To warm of impeding danger
2. To send a warm, friendly greeting to someone
who might not have seen your 'warm and
friendly wave of hello.'

Well, here.. I have decided that they must have an attached button that they can press to make it oh so much easier to get to than 'the way it is set up in my car' by pressing the center horn area just right...to get the honking sound.

WELL.. here they love to immediately honk as soon as the light turns green.. and there are at least 2-3 cars, buses or whatnot in front of you.. I mutter to myself, "What do YOU WANT ME TO DO?? Suddenly get airborne and crawl over this.... (bus? car? etc.. )

Or.. they'll do it when they light has just turned green and I'm the first car and there are CURRENTLY PEOPLE walking across the street in front of me.. AM I supposed to drive through the walking population??? Just because the light turned green? I just don't get what they think they need to honk their horn.. is it to get the people walking faster? Is it to let me know that they expect me to drive through the people? Is it because I'm not honking the horn myself?

You'll find me sitting in Korean traffic.. wondering if the Korean made cars.. have trigger horn buttons all over the car, maybe even a device attached to your finger than the driver can press.. and why my American made car doesn't have that magic button that I can press that allows my car to suddenly go airborne over buses and cars in my path when the light suddenly turns green.. (as I am expected to do by the honking cars behind me.)

Sigh.. I share the frustration across the globe..

I admit, this is a place where I am also very, very bad. I get outraged at some of the truly disrespectful and thoughtless driving (North Carolina drivers? TEH SUCK.). I've been attempting to be more zen about it - lots of deep breathing and the like. But it's still tough, especially when you just want to PUNCH PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

heh

When I think some is being truly shitty in traffic, my profanity of choice is Jesus f**king Christ! I grew up in Minnesota (have fun at the mall--don't get shopping overload) and most of the drivers there are pretty nice; they let you in if you are merging from an on ramp, they use their turn signals properly, etc. So, when I went to college in Boston, WOW. The traffic there was, um, a bit rough? That is the first time I ever saw anyone tail an AMBULANCE just so they could get past the traffic. INSANITY!

I loved Ucellina's comment "Diarrhea for you today" that was awesome... I'm going to use that.

Laurie-honey you are NOT alone in the hating-the-meanie-drivers... 'course you probably already figured that out by now. Still... I know I am not Mrs. Perfect when it comes to driving but I always try to be sure I don't cut people off etc etc... people that are DELIBERATE in their awful driving just make my blood boil! The I-am-in-more-of-a-hurry-than-you-so-eff-off... yeah... hate those people.

Cheers Girlfriend. Knit something, you'll feel better ;)

A study I heard on the BBC some years back stated that Australian women drivers are the best in the whole world at 'road rage'. Kinda makes me proud -I'm just saying is all ;-)

Also, do you have those drivers in rural USA who insist on doing 40 miles in a 60 zone only to then do the same in the built-up area 30 mph zone? Drives me nuts.

BTW love the soulIIsoul reference.

Ok, maybe I've figured out all the 'car horn honking' in Seoul, Korea.. IS IT POSSIBLE that the car horn is attached to the brakes?

IF so, that would explain why they seem to honk everytime that they slow down or stop.. hummm, maybe I'm on to something?

I'll keep working on this 'excessive horn honking' (which is the Korean driver's test manual says the horn is to be used to warn other drivers of danger.. maybe the danger is IF YOU DON"T MOVE THEY ARE GOING TO HIT YOUR CAR? :D

Meanwhile, I'll continue my research.. this is Jeannie in Korea (for now) sitting and getting honked at in Seoul, Korea traffic.. news update at 11:00.

I once witnessed a bad driver receiving his karmic kick in the ass.

During college, I worked in a gift shop on the weekends. One winter evening at about 6:30, while driving back to my dorm in the dark on the road that skirted town, I was shoved along at faster than the speed limit. Mind you, the limit there is 50 mph, the road is kind of twisty, there isn't a single street lamp, and the road goes over marshland of the "If I drive off of this, they'll find my corpse in five years, gnawed to bones by herons" variety.

So this jerk in a teeny Honda hatchback aggressively tailgated me until he could take it no more and passed on a double yellow line. He then rocketed off into the darkness. Fine. Good riddance.

About five minutes later, I went around a curve and saw the little Honda stopped in the road, hood crumpled and Mr. Jerk out of the car and cursing at the large deer he'd slammed into. Did I stop? Hell no. I had no cell phone in those days (waaaay back in 1996!), and this guy had already proved his lack of impulse control. I'm sure that someone eventually stopped, or maybe he walked the five miles to the nearest bit of civilization.

On the missile launcher front, a friend and I decided that Vulcan disruptors are the answer--they get rid of the impediment to good traffic flow, and they leave no messy debris to drive through.

Sure you can be a vegetarian, just not a vegan! Hey, cows are dairy, aren't they?

And about the hating-horrid-drivers thing? Ease up on yourself. If you can remember to send a prayer, that's great, but mine is just something like "Hey God, that guy really really pissed me off and I'm too angry to forgive him. So I place myself, my anger, and that guy and his assholeness in your hands because I can't do anything good with it. 'k thx bye!" No, really. It works reasonably well, and I seriously doubt God minds. And he's probably laughing at us all right now, anyway.

I, too, turn into an evil curse-spewing person behind the wheel, and say things in the solitude of my car that I'd never say within earshot of another human being. I wish I could control it better. Prayer is probably the best approach.

It's funny -- I'll be listening and singing along to a radio station playing contemporary Christian music, and then some jerk will do something stupid, and in the same breath, after singing some uplifting lyric, out comes the wretched language, like I'm Sybil, or something. I'm nobody's role model, that's for sure!

P.S. I'm up to Chapter 11 in your book, so far, and so far - loving it! :-)

Howdy from Austin. Yep, worst traffic for a medium sized city. I don't believe in God. So, I just have learned helplessness. It goes something like this: "YOU F-ING AS- sigh, there's nothing I can do about this, anyway." Then I roll down the windows, find a guilty pleasure song and sing it really loudly. That'll learn 'em.

trashalou---YES. And they all seem to live near me. The road leading to our subdivision is 55mph. Every now & then you see the FL plate, and they're doing about 35, even after they cruise past the speed limit sign.
CAP, I just re-ordered your book (since amazon wasn't shipping my preorder any time soon)!
I can't wait!!

Laurie, You just have an old testament style of traffic praying! Check out the Psalms. If you're gonna pray, you may as well be sincere ;-)

Safe driving!

Every morning when I get into my car, I tell my self that today is the day that I will make it to work and back w/out hurling insults at other cars.

It hasn't happened yet.

One of my favorite daydreams about those wonderful people that cut in front of me? Running into them, jumping out of the car and saying "Damn! If only you wouldn't have cut me off I would have hit someone else..."

I'm with Frances up there - living in San Antonio, TX I do all of my sign language under the window where people can't see me. Silly concealed weapons!

Ok, now. Calmly cursing the man with thoughts of his member shriveling and dropping to the ground is so much better than beeping your horn, shaking your fist, or screaming obscenities.

It's all very Deepak. It's fate, karma. Man is a dick, man loses a dick. That is the perfect law of the universe...

LOL! Oh god how I hate driving. I mean, I like driving, but I hate driving with other people. And I yell. At people. Other people. I figure that yelling at them is better than raming my car up their ass so... I guess I call it a compromise. Still, this makes my passengers nervous. So... what I've been trying recently is believing that everyone who is a PRICK is actually a very nice person who probably has someone very dear to them in the hospital right now and they have to get there this very instant because that is how I would probably act if I were in that situation.

It helps, you know, just a little.

OMG, and Mary in Boston is right... Boston traffic is terrifying with it being legal to drive in the breakdown lane on Rt 3 and all... never have I been so terrified to break down on a major highway before...

"also, sorry about the Jesus part..."

HA HA HA.

Laughed so hard...
Last weekend we were out erranding, got in the left turn lane and patiently waited our turn to finally go left. Right when we get there, there's the bleached blonde in the mini-van with soccer magnets on it roaring up on our right trying to cut in front of us. The husband, who was driving, looks over and says "I'll bet that b***ch is from MD" I look at her and she starts cursing at ME because he didn't let her cut in. Us rural folks are nice and all, so I smiled real friendly as I looked her in the eye and said "NO WAY DUMBASS" For some reason she didn't take it well, so I told the husband to keep going so she could wait her turn like everyone else, turned to her smiled, flipped her off and resumed the conversation we were having before. I never get to do that! Usually, I'm the wimp who lets anyone/everyone bully me, but this was too much when she cusses me because she's an idjit. I checked her plates, yes, she was from MD up in rural PA. When I looked back, she was still there because for some reason none of the rural folks let the cussin' hussy in and she did have to wait....

My mother, who hasn't been behind the wheel of a car in forty years for her driver's test, has a driver's license. I don't know why ever driver isn't forced to take a refresher course every year to make sure he knows the rules of the road and to guilt him into not being such a idiot on the road.

Deepak has a driver.

And so does the Dalai Lama

Clearly the answer is that I need a driver!! ;)

At least you wanted it to fall of LATER instead of NOW--see, you're halfway to enlightenment. You are learning to delay gratification, grasshopper....

Hey, if his falls off, does that make him lighter or enlightened....

I will go away and be quiet now...

I can't believe your drivers are rated worse than San Antonio's! There are no such things as turn signals, a yellow light means "step on it," and I swear the legal following distance is 2.7 cm per 100 mph!!! And nobody has insurance, so I'm sure they don't worry about having a license for that concealed handgun.
Tip: if you need to expand your driving vocabulary, watch for HBO to show "Deadwood" reruns.

Your timing, as always Laurie, is impeccable. I swear that I almost eviscerated the lady who turned left in front of my oncoming (right of way) car and then gave me the WTF shoulder shrug. If I'd had a Ginsu, baby, I would have pulled her by her frosted hair out of her minivan, gutted her, got back in my car and finished eating my Wendy's chili without batting an eye. And I would not have felt bad.

Okay, I think I feel better now. Thanks.

WHOOPSY???! You are too freakin' funny.

When I worked at Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY in 1999, Deepak came to speak, and I heard from other employees that he asked to have Coke put into an iced tea bottle (or can). I'm JUS SAYIN' is all.

Have you ever heard of the 3D rule, other than by my telling you about it and now forgetting that I did? Several unrelated Russian people have told me that this rule is taught in all Russian driving schools. It is "dai dorogu duroku," which translates roughly to "give the road to the idiot." (My sincere apologies to any actual native Russian speakers reading this for the cheesy transliteration.) The idea is that you are much safer with the idiot in front of you than behind you, or beside you trying to cut you off. While I think you're also supposed to remain calm and benevolent while doing this, I do not deny that I have been known to mutter, "durok," and even occasionally "ublyudok," while allowing the offending driver free passage. (An ublyudok is, well, a male idiot of the type who thinks he enhances his masculinity each time he cuts someone off in traffic. While many Russian human nouns come in gendered pairs, "student" and "studentka" for example, for "ublyudok" there is no female equivalent, if you catch my drift.)

Whatever happened to knitting on the bus? Al loves it when we take the bus.

ya know, deepak might just well have flown the bird back at the guy! and there is a reason why there is a dent in his car. hate jerks like that

When you hit soggy Seattle, have someone take you to a PCC Natural Market and sidle up to the deli counter. Ask for the BBQ Tempeh. I guar-dam-tee you, it will tickle you taste-budlets (and it makes a tangy substitute for beef)and the texture is just right. Suweeet!

I do, ahem, "pray" (well, as close to praying as a tree hugging witch will get anyway)when subjected to traffic tomfoolery, but it's usually something like "O Angry Diety of Traffic Jams, please visit unto this puerile jackass a 35 ton Mack truck so he may be smited, thus protecting future decades of commuters from the antics of him or any of his potential offspring."

Gotta say, though, I liked the "penis falling off" concept. Clearly, you have Southern Barbecue Karma. It's awesome!

Well, you made me feel better about Norcal traffic. While perhaps this makes me not on the Deepak/Dali path, it may help your Karma.

You are really too funny for words! Thanks for brightening my days.

Love the 'diarhea for you today'!! I think traffic and dickheads on the road must be a global thing.

On another note: bought some revlon colorstay - yeeeey, thank you I love it! was hard to pick a colour though - choice of 30 and they all looked pinkish natural brownish... I went with the pecan.

Hi Laurie,

If it's any reassurance, even the Tibetans themselves have trouble with the Dalai Lama's suggestion to be vegetarian. I live in a Tibetan refugee community up in the Himalayas and the whole meat thing is a HUGE deal here too. Some of the younger born-in-India folks do okay with it, but the folks who were born in Tibet - especially the ones who were yak herder from the really high places (which is a lot of who lives around here) are all about the meat. I mean there were NO vegetables where they grew up. Green stuff is grass. Their stomachs can't even digest a lot of the veg stuff very easily. And the ones who go west? They are loving the barbecue. Seriously. So maybe say a little prayer for the cow or sheep or whatever just laid down his life for your ribs okay?

Joy
Rewalsar, H.P., India
www.customjuju.com/joy/joyblog

ROFLMAO ! "...Perhaps not as satisfying as beating him soundly with my handbag..."

Thought of this when I read that statement:

Go to

http://rock103.com/pages/crew/listen/

On that page, go to the link for "Voice mail of guy witnessing accident". It's HILARIOUS !!

Cheers !

Just starting Chapter 13 - and I foresee tomorrow as a day of not-getting-much-done because I will be reading all day! Thank you for the pleasure!

My usual line is: I guess he is in a bigger hurry than I am. And the rest of the people on the road. And in the buses. Jerk.

Ruth

Freaking brilliant post. LA has the worst traffic and drivers ever. To drive the 5 miles from Venice to West Hollywood for Stitch N Bitch on Thursday it takes about an hour, without fail. I have to play disco music really loudly in order to keep from going postal on someone. It's so bad that I really don't go anywhere anymore unless necessary.

I lived in Miami for a little while and remember sitting in my car sobbing more than once because people were so bent on not showing the least little bit of respect on the road. Now I live in England where British drivers practically stop to apologize if they accidentally forget to use their turn signals.

Laurie, I think you should send your post to the Dalai and to Deepak... I bet they'd both laugh their you-know-whats off. They may be striving for holiness and peace (and doing a good job of it, as far as I can tell) but they're still human and they have a sense of humor. And what's not to laugh at (and try not to cry with because it's so darned true)?

And I so love the prayer. I'm going to remember that one. "May his penis fall off."

:)

Perhaps he is angry at the world because he is driving such a dorky car.

Okay, I'm commenting the next day so don't know if you'll see this but my boss has met Deepak and said he's a jerk in real life. Don't stop wishing bodily harm on idiots just for his sake :) I have gone so far as to wish death, more than once, so you know I have some karma to clean up. Happy commuting!

Like Carol Ann, I try to rationalize, "wow, he's really in a hurry." That doesn't always work, though, so my pet phrase is "A Pox Upon Thee!" (Poxes can develop in many places on the body.)

Um ya, all bad drivers are going to bad driver h*ll where they will live in an eternal fire of people cutting them off, flipping their fingers at them and any of the other things they think they should be doing on this earth while driving in traffic that's just downright horrid anyways. Karma is a dangerous thing to play with - they'll get their own - that's the Chopra lesson that works for me...LOL

Here in New York City the turn signal is a sign of weakness. Often times, I'd let people in if they used their blinkers - what do they think I am, a mind reader???

I swear, nothing makes me more angry than waiting in a line for an on or off ramp only to have people cheating their way to the front of the line to squish in front of me. I share your pain!

My family always "accidentally" wishes a horrible case of diarreah on them in a traffic jam....just a thought.

Oh, dear, you sound just like me, except for the feeling bad and praying to God. I don't bother trying to channel Deepak, I know there's no shot of me being zen about crappy drivers. I'm in Philly, the people around here will flip you off even if you kindly wave them in!

Oh Laurie I so know what you mean about driving hatefulness. And I'm even worse because I usually have MY KIDS in the car and the hear me calling people names like dickwad, dickweed, dickhead, and dumbass. I am so gonna be in that special crap mommy Hell when I kick off.
And what is with people and their love of honking their horn. Where I came from you only used it to prevent and accident"Yo, blindness! I am RIGHT Here!". Here in Montreal if you are jack rabbiting the red light as the other turns yellow they start in with the horns.. And heaven help you if you actually come to a full stop at a stop sign and look for traffic and pedestrians? Run 'em down lady I'm behind you waiting!!
Oh..the horns..Montreal has turned me soooo nasty when driving. And now I HONK BACK! oh dear. Deepak help me.

hey laurie, i would highly recommend the book "buddhism plain and simple." its stripped down to the basics, without all the vegetarianism. i've found it to be extremely helpful, you should check it out.

I am probably your only reader/commenter who doesn't drive. But I do get "PED" rage over stupid drivers who don't give me the right of way. Pedestrians here in Ontario ALWAYS have the right of way. Put it this way: if I were to lie down in the middle of Bay Street and you ran over me, IT WOULD BE YOUR FAULT!

My boyfriend wants me to get my driver's license so that when we drive from Toronto to Mexico, I can help with the driving. But judging from what you all are telling me, I'll be dead or shot before we get there, so what's the point?

I might as well save the $500 course fee and buy a pair of Louboutin's while I'm in Paris ... for my birthday ... in less than two weeks (I never get tired of telling people this!)

I live near DC. Thank god I don't have to commute 2-3 hours each way twice a day like some of my neighbors do....and it's only about 50 miles!! In my neighborhood, turn signals, speed limits and traffic lights are apparently invisible to everyone but me. I'm waiting for the invention of the ray gun that one can point at these asshats and cause them to immediately soil themselves.

You know, if he feels a need to show off while he's driving, he may already have a very small penis. Just saying. But that made me laugh pretty hard, which I needed this morning - thanks!

Drive safe!

Some people are just a**holes. Nothing you can do but maybe pray that something will come along and enlighten them so they will learn how much of an a**hole they are and maybe change their a**hole ways.

Yes, it's as if these turds really do think they are the only humans on the road, and every other car contains some kind of robot. It's individualism gone completely crazy.

Congrats on the book!! Can't wait to read it.

Laurie, honey, here's a song for you:

http://cdbaby.com/cd/adiegrey2 Click and listen to "Grandpa's Advice." If you can't listen, or if you want to sing along, lyrics are here (scroll down)
http://www.heybabymusic.com/adie/music.html

Singing this in traffic is very therapeutic, and it's G-rated, so it can be sung with the kids in the car.

When I get in a situation like that, I remind myself that if they're that hung up and in a hurry, they'll be the ones dying early of high blood pressure and a heart attack at the age of 40. When I'm in my 80s and 90s, I can look back and laugh at all the people who were so stressed out about getting someplace 30 seconds faster that they shaved several years off their life. Whose got the last laugh now? I've also been known to mutter "sorry 'bout your dick" to people like that...I mean, if you're driving like that, you're obviously feeling the need to over compensate for *something* right? And my final thought for the day, my dad has always said that if you live long enough, you'll eventually get to see people get what they deserve. Bad drivers are no exception...

My daughter wants to get a paintball gun to mark the (large!) dogs who roam (and poop) freely in our yard and then leave a large poster on the neighborhood mailbox that says "If your dog came home with paint on its ass, it is because you are an assh*le who thinks the leash laws don't apply to you. If it hadn't growled and tried to bite me IN MY OWN YARD, I would have scooped up the giant pile of sh*t it left and tied it to its collar. Have a nice day." She even drew pictures with arrows and such. My daughter is subtle like that. Now, a paintball GUN in your car might not be too smart in LA, but maybe a paintball slingshot to mark the worst offenders. As a public service. To warn law-abiding motorists. I have to go to Cafe Press now and see if anyone has started selling "I park like an a$$h*le" bumper stickers yet. I need to stock up. :)

Oh my goodness! I KNOW! I don't live in L.A. but my sister does, and I was driving down...Wilshire, I think, and people are all crazy and my 2-year-old nephew is in the back, so I am a little nervous, and believe me, I am not a nervous driver except in L.A. (I live in Chicago, like, almost downtown), and these cars are honking at each other and stuff and then a block down they actually COLLIDE, and I stop within a few feet, so GLAD that it wasn't me and yet thoroughly freaked out...and then...they both drive off! Speed away! They were expensive cars! I don't think they knew each other! It was not just a light tap! Weird. And people not using their signals is my pet peeve.

Oh, and God doesn't count swearing in the car. At least, I like to hope that He lets it slide. He probably just likes the extra communication, what with all the "Lord, please don't let me die" prayers...

I just have to say that my step-dad and sister, both born in Texas, are vegetarians. (So am I, but I only lived in Texas a few years, I wasn't born there.) So you see, Southern Barbecue is NOT a genetic thing, just an acquired taste. Oh, by the way, we were at a picnic Sunday where Gardenburgers were graciously provided for my little family (pork and chicken for everyone else), and the homemade sauce was AWESOME! They sent the leftover sauce home with us and promised me the recipe. I'll bet it would make those green beans square dance!

First: I'm well into the book and LOVING it, and you, and the weather...and I can't wait to see you! Second: I decided long ago that, being as nothing *I* do is going to improve the Advanced A**holism in other drivers I may as well try to take knitting or music or something when I drive. Oh, and I mutter at them. You wouldn't believe it's me and not some 400 lb tattooed biker talking. But see, I'm OLD, you do get more patient. No...impatient with other things. (You know people hollering on their cell phones in the book store? Hope I don't see that when we're there to see you - I'm only 4'11" but I carry a heckuva wooden spoon). Also I read this somewhere and you'd be surprised how it works: when someone does some really STOOPID DRIVING thing, honk at them -- and then grin big, nod and waggle your fingers! They suddenly think it's their grandma or someone and you get a wonderful reaction, better than flippin' the bird (although I always do that in my lap while muttering "this is for you") So there.

Oh, Laurie! I heart you!

I'm a sweetheart in real life, but in traffic??? When I had to drive the 405 and the 101 to work every day, I would go through an entire tin of Altoids in three days out of sheer frustration - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. I had minty-fresh breath, but I also ended up with three crowns...

And Frank is a sweetheart too, but his cursing gets very, very colorful in traffic - think your "Jesus Christ on a cracker" but a lot more blasphemous - so I start to worry about whether God's going to get annoyed with us - "You told Me to do what?" and fry us with a lightning bolt right there!

Yesterday was not a good driving day for me, either - even when I was just a passenger in the car, things weren't great. Not nasty drivers, actually just every bad patch of traffic and road construction in the region threw itself in front of me yesterday!

Good Picture of El Jerko, though. And judging by that lovely dent in his passenger door, he has cut off someone riding a motorcycle at some point, too. I recognize the "kick the idiot in the door" dent that experienced motorcycle riders develop as a self-defense mechanism!

PS! What I REALLY want is a paint gun filled with non-washable neon day-glo glow-in-the-dark permanent paint with which to shoot Stoopid Driving Cars. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Proud to say I had the perfect opportunity to honk at and flip off the guy who went around all of us in the left turn lane and then cut us off. So I did.

Oh Laurie, I feel your pain! My number one pet peeve is bad drivers! I just cannot believe how many ignorant people are driving around in their loaded weapon. It never ceases to amaze me how many drivers do not know basic laws on the road. Just coming to a 4 way stop with cars at every sign is enough to make we want to blow my head off. Either people sit there confused and never move, or they dart on out without the slightest regard for who has the right of way. Ahhhhhhh!! Sorry, but it really makes my blood boil. You are soooo not alone!

Let's visualize this: The idiot driver got stopped by the Highway Patrol for driving illegally in the car pool lane, and when he stepped out of his car....whoa, what's that thing that just fell out of your pant leg? Why, it looks like a penis....

I'm a vegetarian who still gets road rage at times. And I live in Ventura and drive into L.A. somewhat regularly. The 405 alone is enough to make both the Pope AND the Dalai Lama cuss a blue streak. My husband and I were supposed to be in the audience for the Bill Maher show last year (on a Friday night, the absolute worse time), but we didn't make it there on time. Uhmmm, why was that? The g*ddamned 405, that's why! Yep, five lanes of parking lot, going nowhere. We can't wait to retire and get out of SoCal in the future. Oh, and put me on the list for a car roof rocket launcher in the meantime...or let me know if you hear of a good deal on a tank, so I can roll over and crush the bastids.

This is why I don't live in LA anymore.

I grew up in and around LA County...population 9 some-odd million people.

I now live in rural Missouri in a town I'm sure nobody has ever heard of...population 9 some-odd hundred (the town is Humansville. See! I told you that you haven't heard of it).

I almost never worry about other drivers. Deer on the other hand...they must get suicidal at times or something. ;)

It is because of guys like that that I WISH I had a paintball gun. I'd have soooo much fun with one... telemarketers, people handing out religeous flyers, homeless guys bugging me for a dollar, and assholes in the general world would all recieve the paintball of DOOOOOOM! POP POP POP

o my gosh, that happens to me all the time...the people who pull that stunt are sooooo reckless...Your prayers for that man were nice by the way, looking at the way his car was positioned that would piss anyone off....

and at least he wasnt driving a hummer, those are the worse ones that think they own the road...

What is it about several tons of metal (or plastic, or whatever) that makes certain people feel invincible? and J - the Hummers? I really want bumper stickers that say "sorry about your dick" - I'd skulk through garages applying them liberally.

I too have a traffic prayer - "may you discover the joys of instant karma."

I feel your pain. No one in Portland uses blinkers, either. :(

Laurie, this is hilarious! I laughed out loud while reading this and then I printed it out to make my mom read it.

We are laughing at the Christ on a cracker phrase and everyone comments!

you have such great fans!

Hey! Is that the on ramp at White Oak Ave and the 101 Fwy?

I used to live in the aparments directly to the right, back in the 80's when big hair and shoulder pads were everyday neccessities.

I went by there recently and was shocked to see that except for about 75% more traffic, nothing else has changed. Scary