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September 19, 2007

Back to life, back to reality, back to the here and now again...

Another study was released recently proving once and for all again that Los Angeles has the worst traffic in America. It's so reassuring, in a crazy-making way, that you are not crazy and exaggerating but that you are merely observant. There's something about being number one, isn't there?

I wish I were a better person in so many ways and I'm trying to reach for all kinds of enlightened even though I still think cute shoes are a real priority (and recently I bought a book by the Dalai Lama where he mentions that true enlightenment is connected to your body temple and that a vegetarian diet is best and I thought to myself, "Oh Dalai Lama. I love you. But I was born in TEXAS. I am so sorry. I am not sure if Southern Barbecue Karma can be transmuted. We have such good sauces! I know, I know. I'm hopeless. I'll try to eat more grean beans. Love, Laurie.")

But anyway, the point of all this was to tell you one area where I am failing miserably on the enlightenment (aside from vegetarianism and cute shoes.) (And men selection.) (Wow, this could be a long list.) And that ONE area I want to share is my really unfortunate and awful driving hatefulness.

Some people call this "road rage" but I am not rageful. I am just downright hateful in traffic ... toward other people. BAD people. While I'm sure I am not the world's best driver I do try very hard not to piss people off in traffic. For example, I not only know where the blinkers are I EVEN USE THEM. This alone makes me a rarity in the Los Angeles car culture. In addition, I don't talk on the cell phone and drive at the same time, unless we are in stopped traffic and I'm just idling in first gear or neutral. But if real driving is happening, there is no phone talking -- another feature which makes me a rare species of vehicular operators in this city.

Finally, I am never a deliberate jerk in traffic. I don't cut people off, tailgate or leave too far of a gap between me and the person ahead of me (thereby ensuring the person behind me will need to swerve all around just to get ahead of me out of frustration.) In general, I watch the road and do the best I can.

But I am hateful mad at those who do not try to be decent drivers. Like this guy:


In this picture, you may notice he is not only cutting me off, he is also fully blocking the lane next to me. In morning rush-hour traffic, he decided he was better than the rest of us lame-o drivers who actually waited patiently in our lane to get on the freeway. So, using his powers of Dumbassery, he left the line of drivers turning onto the freeway and got into the main driving lanes then slammed on his brakes, jack-knifed ahead of me and almost caused the guy behind him to hit him and almost caused me to hit him. When there was honking, this fine individual FLIPPED US OFF.

So I extracted my revenge by uh, you know. Taking pictures of him. Perhaps not as satisfying as beating him soundly with my handbag, but still mildly satisfying in the "Well this will at least keep me out of prison" way.

I was REALLY mad about this guy. He almost caused two accidents and also was just being a real piece of work. Then I felt bad for being so hateful again in traffic. In other areas of my life I try to give folks the benefit of the doubt, but in traffic there is just not a nice sweet bone in my body. So I thought, "What would Deepak Chopra do? He's probably not hateful in traffic." And because I am full-up on my self-help, I knew Deepak would send the dude a little prayer.

So I tried. I tried, I really did. "Dear God, this ugly dude is pissing me off and I hate him and his banged up car ... gee no wonder his car is all smooshed, look how he drives!...oh crap this is so not how Deepak would do it. Let me try again..."

I sat there and tried to breathe. After all, traffic wasn't moving. It's not like we were going anywhere. I had time to get my Deepak on.

"OK, God, it's me again trying to be nicer. See, I am trying to pray for this HEY YOU SH*THEAD THE LIGHT IS GREEN YOU WANTED IN HERE THAT MEANS GO JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER ARE YOU BRAIN DEAD oh crap!! God that was so not part of the prayer!! I am so sorry, let me try again. But seriously, the light was green. Also sorry about the Jesus part."

(Sitting at the red light. Waiting.)

"Ok, God, I am doing the best I can here. How about we just forget the green car guy and call it a day."

The light turned finally to a green arrow. Green car guy whipped illegally into the carpool on-ramp and vanished.

"Thanks, God. I appreciate it."

So, I guess getting my Deepak on helped a little. I tried to take back the prayer that came next but it was too late, it had already formed into consciousness.

"And if his penis falls off later that would be OK, too."

Whoopsy. Please don't tell Deepak.

Posted by laurie at September 19, 2007 7:06 AM