"I have been waiting until conditions were perfectly right to live fully. Apparently I think somewhere off in the future there is a really good life and if I wait long enough I will get to it."

This is not crazy. This is so true, I cannot even begin to tell you.

(((Laurie)))

Wow Laurie. This is a great post. I've only come out of the "wait until conditions are perfect to do/be/try my heart's desire" myself, and this had me cheering (silently) while bouncing in my seat (not so silently).

Breaking with lurking to say: You GO girl! Thanks for giving me a laugh so many days and something to think about today. I'm looking forward to the updates. Good luck!

Sometimes it takes an event, such as the death of a beloved pet, to make us move forward, sometimes in surprising ways. My darling Harry, the most fabulous Maine coon cat in the world, died 5 years ago and within 2 weeks I realized I had been holding on to a marriage that was not working, nor would it ever work because my ex did not want to admit there were problems, which were fixable, and I took a deep breath and asked him to leave. He went, and while it's not been quite what I thought it would be, it was the best hardest thing I ever did and I'm much better off now. Just keep moving forward, and remember that some days it's just enough to get up and be in the world and maybe that's all you can do for a while.

That was very beautiful, and touching, and spoke volumes to me--and no, you're not crazy; you'd be surprised at how many people feel exactly the way you do, how your words are our words (just written more eloquently). Thank you, thank you, thank you. And good luck!

This is an unbelievably powerful post, Laurie. Since March 9, I have been living with my in-laws, in their converted 1-car garage. My husband lost his job, we sold our home to save money, put our stuff in storage and moved back to CA and in with his parents. For 5 months I've felt like my life has been on hold...like I was holding my breath, waiting for the next thing to happen to me. It's only been in the past few weeks that I've felt like I can start living again, that the world is moving on without me if I let it and that, although the circumstances aren't ideal, I might as well jump in and get on with things. I'm so happy that you will no longer be waiting for "whatever" either.

I'll come with you if that's alright.

There are lots of people who feel the way you do, who spend their lives in a holding pattern. But keep in mind the immortal words of Buckaroo Banzai, "wherever you go, there you are." You're the only one who has the power of living your life, the only one who can make it be all that it can be, who can change the things that need to be changed. And when you feel down, and think that life's a bowl of pits, remember that thousands of total strangers love you just the way you are.

As an unrelated aside, I have a yak story for you. My brother attended Johns Hopkins University, supposedly a place where smart folks go. Well, it was close to Thanksgiving and he and his buddies were discussing the delicious foods that awaited them when they went home for the holiday - turkey, stuffing, yams with marshmallows. One of the friends, Stu, said, "everyone knows that a yam is a hairy four-legged animal!" with some conviction. He looked around to see his friends staring at him as if he were insane. Stu then realized his mistake and said quietly, "um, no, that's a yak."

There is a lot in that post, but I am responding to the bit about Roy's blanket. When our little cat Buffy had to go to the vet for the last time I didn't think ahead, just cuddled her up in my favorite of the old towels. As we were left the vet's office in tears I realized that I had relinquished that towel and wished I hadn't grabbed that one. But now when I remember that day I see Buffy lying quietly on that pretty background of faded coral and I don't regret it.

dang!

I used to wait, I still catch myself doing it frequently. But I have figured out that when I stop waiting and I just *am*, I find that I am actually content - most of the time.

I am right with you, hon; as we all are. How tragic that Roy is gone, but how wonderful that his passing was the catalyst (can I write that without the caveat "pun not intended"?) for a positive change in your life! Live for today, indeed, the future will take care of itself.

Your current circumstances remind me of one of my favorite poems:

The tide goes out, but leaves behind
bright seashells on the sand;
The sun goes down, but gentle warmth
still lingers on the land;
The music stops, but yet it echoes on
in sweet refrains;
For every joy that passes
something beautiful remains.

I look forward to reading about your progress!

Thanks. I really needed that wakeup call today. Maybe we can both have the August we deserve!

Laurie, Everyday you break my heart but then you magically heal it back up better than ever. I'm going to exercise my grateful muscle to say Thank You for always sharing with us-- even the hard stuff-- or maybe *especially* the hard stuff.

I think a lot of us aren't living in the present. I think maybe you've inspired me to declutter my current condo instead of saving stuff for a future house where it may look nice. I guess we'll see when I get home with wine and boxes if I really do it!

Laurie, I feel exactly the same way, only you say it much better than I ever could. And for some reason I can't fully explain, I have this belief that if I could only go to Ireland, my life would be so much better and I would figure out my life's meaning. I think I'm scared to go because I'd realize that it's up to me, not Ireland, to figure everything out. *Sigh*

Cassidy wrote what I feel, far better than I could have said it. Bravo to Cassidy, and bravo to you, Laurie.

Do you have any idea HOW BADLY I NEEDED TO READ THIS TODAY????? Sorry for yelling. I'm just excited to see (once again) you're putting words to my thoughts and propelling me forward.

Have you read or listened to Sarah Vowell's book, "Take the Cannoli"? You MUST. It's hilarious. You'll love it.

Isn't it interesting how many of us find this truth within ourselves? You do a beautiful and powerful job of expressing some of my innermost thoughts and it's liberating to know that others have these same feelings. Good luck!

Brava! and thanks
I'm in kind of a funk right now, even though I can see a way out, am working on getting out of the funk, and am getting there.
This post helps.

I think it's almost a preconditioning when we were children. It's
Happily Ever AFTER
no
Happily Now.

After what? The bills are paid? THe huge house is bought? The weight is lost? The baby is born? The baby sleeps the night through?

So many Afters that you don't enjoy the Now.

It's a hard attitude to break.

Whew. Yes. What you said.

And, of course, yak!

longtime lurker, raised southern but much happier in ohio:

THANK YOU for your post. It came at a very opportune moment. DH is in his final year of a 3 year compressed acupuncture program, and the work and the waiting and the stress is taking its toll on both of us.

Your post is a giant karmic baseball bat to the head to remember to live in the RIGHT NOW, as well as thinking for the future...

Thank you.
Phyllis

It is such a strange moment of relief, hope, and feeling dumb when we have those moments of awareness and suspect that everyone else already knew that-- but trust me, they don't. I was lucky-- realizing that I wanted to be happy TODAY is what got me out of a very bad marriage two years ago. I didn't want to wait for something external to change so I could be happy anymore. It just doesn't work like that (though having enough money to make the budget helps a lot).

Similar to your August decision, I've been paring down and trying to fit my happy today mentality into my here's where I live now location. It's going well-- yours will too-- but remember this one piece of advice: don't let the bag of potatoes get rotten on the bottom, because fruit fly colonies are harder to get rid of than clutter, and harder to ignore than a bad self-image. And they like cat food. At least, mine do.

I'll be adding "bug bomb" to my list of get-comfortable-in-your-own-home chores for today. And just so you know, my accidental kitchen garlic plant is still limping along on my back patio. I miss Victor. =) (I think I'm telling you about my embarrassing fruit fly story so you know that crazy gets around...)

Thanks for living out loud.

Laurie. Man, there are so many things I feel like I could say here. I am so in this place right now and I so don't want to start decluttering. I see the reasoning though, and this post of yours might just be the impetus that I need to move on with my life.

Aside from me me me, this is a lovely post, full of beautiful feelings. I sure hope you get the life you deserve, honey chile, because you are one special lady.

How wonderfully poignant that Roy left you one last amazing gift. He was a very special cat. I'm walking the walk with you....I am a person who collects "things" too. I'll be decluttering and making my house *mine* this month. Looking forward to seeing what you do! Please post many many photos! Thank you for putting into words what many of us are feeling.

Amazing. Simply perfect. Happy Housewarming!

thank you for the inspiration (again) laurie.

Did you see the Oprah rerun of yesterday? It was lovely Nate redoing very small spaces, like NYC apartments. Made me sort of want to go smaller. I hope you get to watch it; the discussions about deciding what is really necessary to live were inspirational to me. I need to pare down, seriously.

Living in the moment is one of life's most difficult tasks. It is one of the guiding principles in Buddhism. Thank you for this beautiful post.
Namaste.

Thank you for such a well written, powerful and thought provoking post. You have given me a lot to think about.

Good luck with your 'moving'.

Kate

You never have to apologize for writing a long post. Don't you know we're all out here loving every word (cuz work sucks and you rock).

And, um, "Waiting for my real life to begin" (Colin Hay song) is the sorry story of my life right now.

Maybe we can have a home-a-long? Because everything you said up there, so true! Except I am unable to see lines, or cross lines, or find my own truth. August is the time for me to cross the line! And I'm so printing out this post to help me do it.

Thank you for always saying what so many people (me) need to hear. I will be visiting LA on August 19th and 20th with my niece to take in a play and "do the tourist thing". No stalking, I promise, but if you would like a visitor/new friend, email me.

I'm all sitting here in my cubicle bawling my face off.

I had to move in with my parents for a little while (but still too goddamn long if you ask me) and thought that would be my "halfway house" after that nasty stupid breakup.

But! I realized I couldn't sit around moping, and started shedding layers of extraneous crap and it does feel so so good.

Kudos to you on moving into your existing house :) Best of luck!

If I owned pom poms I would be doing a high kick and a giant cheer (possibly a cartwheel, what the hell).

"Go LAURIE!!!!!"

Wow. So true. So, so true. I was just thinking that I've been in my apartment 3 months (ok, so it's a lot shorter than 3 years) and I'm still living out of boxes. And it's all about the waiting. Waiting until my job started. Waiting until I saved money. Waiting until I made friends. Waiting until..what?

If nothing else, my cats deserve a nice clean apartment with room to run, especially since they're stuck with a Mama who works crazy hours and feels like she barely sees them anymore. Poor furbabies.

I'm there with you, Laurie, and from the comments, it sounds like we've got lots of company. Thanks for this post; it is _exactly_ the kick in the pants that I needed. I have been trying to declutter for over a year, and finally gave myself July off, to try to stop beating myself up about not having succeeded. Your post today will help me get back to it in August with a will!

Thanks again for sharing; you've done so much for me! Best of luck in your endeavors!

i think it was mary albright poster or something that said: "wherever you go, there you are."

i know it's nothing compared to how you feel, but i really miss Roy.

Laurie, your post reminded me of a talk given by another Southern lady, Rita Davenport (ritadavenport.com): "Life is not a practice; this is it. This is the Super Bowl and the World Series -- today." And if you ever want to have a laugh and many remedies for household clutter, "Clutter's Last Stand", by Don Aslett, will have you in stitches.

I've been to that place with the imaginary line. Do I live in the current hurtful place where everything is crazy bad, but I know it is and stay there? Or do I lean a little to the unknown, scariest place that I am terrified to go to. I chose the unkown, I closed my eyes and just went with it. I had no hand to hold and lead me but my own. Life threw some unexpected stuff my way, stuff I thought surely would have destroyed me before...but I'm here now, stronger and happier. I had to lean that way to experience the fullness of my life now. I'm so glad I did. I learned soooo much about myself. There was nothing anyone could say or do, I had to do it all for me. Laurie... you described my situation to a " T " about 5 years ago. I hope your message reaches others as it has me to cross that line and experince the life ahead of you.

Laurie, we don't automatically grow up when we turn 21, get married, graduate, or any of those mileposts that are supposed to be signs of adulthood. It takes a lot of living to become grown up. Congratulations on your personal milestone.

Oh, Laurie, you are right on, as always. Lovely.

But, as an aside, those of us living in Northeastern cities are thinking "800 square feet? That's huge!!!"

I love you... and I am so very proud of you. You are not crazy. You are brave and smart enough to take care of yourself and the kitties in the life you have now. No point in waiting for that 'what if' day because, ready or not, 'today' lands of us every single morning. *hugs*

I am right there with you - July sucked ass and I, too, have been trying to move but apparently the Big Cannolli (the Universe) has other plans for me. I feel better knowing that it's not just me - I'm blaming the planetary aspects of 2007...

Sometimes, Laurie, it seems that we're so much alike that it frightens me. I am a hoarder of good times. I have almost every toy and piece of clothing that my children ever wore. Every book, every school paper, every piece of art they have made over the years. After reading your post I finally realized why. I got sick in 1998, right before we moved into our house. Before 1998 I was thin, healthy and vibrant. I cooked and cleaned and played and seemed to have endless amounts of energy. Over the past 9 years I have become a shell of myself. I truly think that I have hung on to those material things that represent my healthy and happy former self. It seems so simple; why did it take until today for me to figure that out??

I lost my favorite aunt, my mom and grandmother within 5 years of each other. They were both my family and my very best friends. I have boxes and boxes of their stuff in my garage, mostly unopned. It's been 4 years since my mother died and I cannot bring myself to go through her things. It seems so final; owning her things will
forever mean that she is gone. I haven't been able to face that. I have to, though. I can't move on if I don't face the past and what's been lost.

I'm sorry to carry on so today; your post really made me have a revelation about myself. Thank you very much. I love you for it. I have no idea how to fix myself but realizing that I have a problem is the first step, I guess.

My god, you are truly a writer with the ability to speak directly to your audience. You open your life to us, and almost always you touch us in the process. Amazing post, very very true and touching and meaningful.

Woo freakin' hoo Laurie. You deserve to LIVE. Really, really fully live. Today, where ever you are, however much money you have or what ever you weigh. You deserve it because you are you and you are wonderful and you are alive.

love,
Faith

Thank you--I so needed to read this today! Here I am, sitting around knitting and feeling sorry for myself because it's been 72 days since we listed our house for sale and we can't find anyone to buy it (ironic considering your search for a home, huh?). Our "new lives" in another place can't move forward until we sell. So, it's a limbo place every day, waiting for a call, waiting for an appointment, waiting for just one offer to get the ball rolling. And I'm not Living My Life while I'm waiting.

Enough of that! You're right on the money--let's get on with it! (And the cannoli of the universe is just going to have to change its karma for ALL of us this month!)

I've been a lurker for quite some time now and decided today would be the day to comment. Your post hit me like a ton of bricks - I am always waiting until... Thanks for making me realize I'm not alone in that thinking and that I need to start living NOW.

And compared to my 675 square feet 800 is a mansion! ;)

you go, girl!!!

I've been lurking around your blog now for several weeks, but have never felt comfortable posting as of yet. It's so strange to see someone struggling with the exact same things you are and coming to the same conclusions. It's like reading a diary of yourself through someone else's eyes. I usually can't talk about the things you do because it's so painful to see how little progress I've made on things are so vital to my human condition. I hope you can break the vicious waiting cycle that steals your life away. I hope you can beat all your demons.

Wow... I wish I had 800 square feet of living space! My boyfriend and I live together in a 485 square feet apartment - 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, 1 lounge room with a kitchenette. I'm kinda looking forward to when we have enough money to move to a bigger place, but until then, I'm trying not to buy (much) stuff (like yarn... or yarn).

Don't apologize for long posts!

"Work with what I've got. Exercise the grateful muscles. Stop waiting. Conditions are right now, and that is what I have to work with."

I'm convinced that what you wrote is one of life's biggest lessons, particularly for Americans, and is the easiest one to forget.

I am a member of AA, and gratitude and living in the moment are huge parts of the program. If I can get good at incorporating those into my life, I've learned that I'm much happier and peaceful inside.

I think it's important to set goals and "keep your eye on the prize" and all that, but it shouldn't be at the expense of one's current contentment. Or you'll wake up one day to realize that life has passed you buy -- what was it that John Lennon said, "Life happens when you're busy making other plans."

I can SO relate to your post.

I moved into my townhouse 20 years ago with that idea. Temporary, just for now, sometime in the future. Had 2 kids, the ex left, we stayed.

I haven't lived my life on hold for 20 years but this year I started to do some heavy duty improvements. A neighbor asked me why. I told her, "I've lived here for 20 years and apparently I'm not going anywhere." Because in the back of my mind, I still looked at our house as temporary. It feels good to bring your mind to what the universe already knows. Live in the "now."

Thank you.

Yeah! Totally, yeah!

My embarrassing thing? I *bought* a house two years ago that doubled my living space and now, still two years later, my living room sits empty. I have grand plans to get cute, eclectic furnishings that are not matchy-matchy but somehow look great together. Only I haven't even stepped foot in a furniture store. And the neighbor kids get SCARED to walk into the empty living room! LOL

So when my boss offered me her gently used sofa and recliner, I accepted. I got to the point you're at in your post. Yeah, I have grand plans for my living room -- and the rest of the house too, of course -- but we're here *right now* and my poor kiddo needs someplace comfy to sit and watch TV. LOL

I am maybe mental.

Amen, sister.

I don't mean to belittle the seriousness of your post, but can I just say, OMG, every single everloving time you quote Wilson Phillips, it's stuck in my head for the next 12 hours! At least!
"Don't you know/ things will change/ things will go your way..."

you are amazingly at the pulse of where so many of us are. thanks for sharing in your beautiful way.

"I realized in that moment of pure clarity that I have been living my life on credit, on emotional lay-away, waiting for my life to start, waiting for The Future. And now I am 36 years old and here's a newsflash: LIFE HAS ALREADY STARTED. IT IS ALREADY IN PROGRESS. I have been waiting until conditions were perfectly right to live fully. Apparently I think somewhere off in the future there is a really good life and if I wait long enough I will get to it.

IS THAT THE CRAZIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?"

If you are crazy, then so am I! I am a 43 y/o woman, also waiting for my life to start. When did I get this old and what am I waiting for? Love ya Laurie, because you are "every-woman", I would have never thought that I wasn't the only crazy woman waiting for her life to start.

Renata in Iowa (feeling better since reading your post)

First off,Wow.

Second, it's good to get to a place where you realize that you are not living in the now and each day lived for tomorrow is a day that's not ever coming back.

And sometimes, Life. Is. Not. Easy.

Not even when you have an Ikea nearby.

There is so much GEMiness in what you've written today that I can't point out just one.

Let me just say this... the pain will ease, my friend. Be gentle with yourself. The ability to love is only handed out to those who will also be able to handle the pain of loss. And then go on loving anyway even if it sometimes hurts.

It's gonna be OK.
.

You are not crazy you are awesome and very right!!! Thank you so much for writting/feeling what I needed to read/realize! July 2007 was awful bring on August 2007!

Laurie,
It was like you were inside my head and was writing just what I have been thinking. I have so much stuff and all I do is keep moving boxes from one room to another. My son wants friends over, which is so important, and yet I can't deal with all the boxes. Where does this stuff come from? I too keep thinking I can buy happiness somewhere. Just one more skein of yarn, just one more piece of paper, just one more....
I can't throw it away, I might need it some day or I spend good money for that or....
Thank you for being so bold to put your feelings down. It makes me really sit up and think about all the STUFF in my life.
I applaud you for being who you are.

You said it all. I am a fellow clutter-keeper and holder-on-to kind of person. And I am also always thinking I'll do better sometime in the future. Time to get it done is now. Life is not a dress rehearsal and you've just brought that to my attention yet again. Excellent post.

OMG every think that you said is so true. I think many people live in the past/future and not the present. I am one that is guilty of that.

I wish you the best August ever.

I know how you feel about Roy. I had a black lab that I loved so much. Sadly he went to sleep one night and never woke up. I was heart broken and it still gets to me. I just wish I could have done something and helped him, but I didn't know that there was anything wrong. :(

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Wow, just wow, you are amazing! Such valuable insight. You've made me really stop and think today. Thank you.

The Universe has been talking at me a lot lately and I am listening to it (and you).

Today's examples...
Aries
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)
Self-distraction is a technique that people often use to avoid dealing with real problems in their lives -- and that's not necessarily a bad thing. From time to time, it's perfectly fine to keep yourself busy shopping for the perfect pair of flip-flops so that you don't have to clean out the garage. But today, that one problem you've been avoiding so successfully for so long needs to be addressed. It's time for you to tackle this thing with all your might!

Aries
March 20 - April 18
It is a long road to becoming exactly the person you want to be, dear Aries. Remember that you can't change who you are. Input from every person you know, and lessons from every bump in the road all contribute to who you are as a person. Be proud of yourself, but also realize that there is a great deal more developing that needs to be done on an internal level. Meditate or just stick to yourself for a little while to go inward.

great post
you have great view on life, there is a southern
saying that applies it goes like this
"keep on keep'in on"
meening dont let dust settle on you life keep living every day cause you never know how may of those days are left or are howmay are to come.

live now -yeah that was good

The last year my life has been taken up with selling a house buying a house and moving. I have felt like my whole life has been in limbo for a solid year just waiting for things to happen. Now the end is near we are moving out of a temporary apartment and into our next house and I ask myself what do I do now? I have an idea of what I want to do but it's a huge leap out of my comfort zone but I'm going to try, because how I lived before wasn't working for me. Thank-you for this post, it's the reminder I needed to stay the course and move forward and not stay in one place.

It's really amazing how someone can figure out all that stuff in a lifetime, much less in a matter of years/months/weeks. It's even more amazing that someone can figure it out and then write about it and make it make sense. Thanks, Laurie.

P.S. Happy August!

Yup, I've spent various portions of my life waiting for the right moment for whatever.... I don't think I can add any more than what others have already said.

Good luck with moving in and purging stuff- it feels so good to get rid of stuff- and that's all it is- as you said "it's a blanket, not a soul".

A little more Buddhism-
Life is good
Be happy now
Let it go

Dr. Suess's Oh! The Places You Will Go has a section about being stuck in the waiting place. He doesn't paint it as a very nice spot. He is wise that Dr. Suess.

I didn't feel 'moved in' to my house until I got into the crawl space and threw away all the boxes and wrapping that we used to move in.

It amazes me how often you write something that is exactly what I needed to hear, when I need to hear it. It's like the universe (or Luca Brasi...)made sure I read your blog today. I've never fully "moved in" to any of my apartments because I was alway trying to make do and get by, hoping things were going to get better someday. I moved into a new place in June and I owe it to myself to make it my home. Thank you.

"Living in the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles and causes you to bump into people not going your way".........Ferber
Ultimately, my favorite quote.

One question..........

........do you have some zuchhini I can borrow?

You inspire.
Thanks for the "purls" of wisdom.

Wow, your insights and your ability to write them so clearly is amazing. I had been waiting for that elusive "future good life," until a moment when my life was threatened, and that's what it took to realize I hadn't done anything yet. Now I'm trying to learn how to stop waiting. It became a habit because I waited for so long.

Seriously, you're such a talented writer - ever thought of writing a book? ;) Can't wait to see your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th!

I don't know how to begin telling you how great this post is and how much it means to me.

I lost my mother when I was very young and my father quickly remarried a woman who pretty much hated his children. Since then I spent my life waiting to move away from there, waiting to go to art school, waiting to graduate, waiting to get a job, waiting to make more money....and so on. About a year ago I had a similar epiphany, just not as well said. I started claiming my life and getting the second dog I wanted, doing the things that I want to do now. Now when I want to learn something or do it I feel that if I can right now is the time. I try not to wait.

To degrees, since I starting reading your blog about 4 months ago...I liked your commentary and that you knit. I've always wanted to knit...but again was waiting for someone to show me or something to happen first... :) Two weeks ago I took the reigns of my life and started learning. I'm knitting, and quilting and doing things that i want to.

August is huge for me because my boyfriend and I, who already live together are moving into a rented house. I haven't lived in a house since moving out of my parents house about 9 yrs ago...and my boyfriend and I are signing a lease...that's huge to me. I'm really wanting to make this house a home and do what I want to it....even if we are only there for a year I want it to be the best "home" i can make it for that year.

I know this comment seems to ramble on but I just can't tell you how much your post means to me right now in my life.

I wish you the best in making your house your home and I hope that you have the best month ever. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Natalie

dude, it's not crazy because i seem to be "waiting" a lot too. waiting for this project that i'm working on at work to be over before i look for another job. waiting until i'm thin before i can give myself a break. waiting for a sign from god or whatever before signing up for classes -- teaching certification or photography.

and waiting until we replace the windows before i make curtains (ha!)

you aren't alone kiddo. i look forward to hearing more about your "move."

Jesus. I have been living my life on credit, and the payments are coming due. I also allowed myself to become swallowed up in debt thinking that one more pretty thing would make my life pretty...but all it did was build the debt and the pile of shit. I'm with you, Laurie. You don't know me, but when it starts to get hard, just know that Krista's doing it, too. I'll be thinking the same thing as you.

Laurie, you are amazing. And my house-warming gift to you as you 'move in' is to tell you that I am so grateful for you and the way you live life out loud.

I am sitting in the midst of clutter and cat hair in a condo I didn't want to move to that needs tons of work and is the result of a divorce I didn't want. I can stay here forever on the crazy side of the line or I can step over where you are.

Thanks for the invitation.

Congratulations on moving in to your house - into your life, your realization that life starts now, no matter how much you wish it were otherwise. Enjoy the move in - make your house as pretty as you are inside (which, by the way is absolutely gorgeous) and as comfortable as you are becoming with yourself. You deserve it, Laurie.

Wow. Really. You express yourself SOOOO well, and it is so often I read and say to myself, yes, that is exactly what I mean......

This takes the cake though, I think I want to cry a little now.....

I want to go home and throw stuff away! I am glad to see that you are getting to a better place.

And I didn't want to be that woman, the one sleeping in a tiny corner of her own life.

You rock.

I'm so moved by your post. I've lived in my "temporary" teeny tiny apartment for almost *30* years now! I make attempts to get this place from warehouse to home--and with Flylady babysteps, I'm getting there. Toss, toss, toss is my mantra.

House to Home in 31 days! I'm with ya!

thanks Laurie,

as you can see by the comments you are not alone and by extension I am not alone either.

I think I'll fill a few trash bags while I'm feeling inspired.

Love and Laughter,
Amy

Beautiful post, Laurie. A message I took to heart a while back when I, too, realized I was stuck in "What-If" and continually singing "Tomorrow" from "Annie."

And yet...

Although I was in my wrestler fighting pose, thumbing my nose at July and telling August to "bring it on," somehow I didn't expect August to bring it on. Just goes to show. Our beloved (truly) boss just called us all in the office to tell us that she'll be leaving our university in October.

Sh*t.

I really think the Universe is backing you if you want to de-clutter and make a home. My daughter and I have been doing it all day and my sister has been dreaming about it. I think it's just what's in the cards.

And I also think that the Universe has been working through you to inspire all of us!

Thanks so much. You really are a beautiful person.

Just wanted to say thanks for your post today. There are times when I think, "If I lived in LA, I hope that I would know Laurie. It's she's like she's where I am."

I've been on this journey for the past three years, which started after two dear friends moved to different and better lives for them. I spent about 6 months being mad and weepy because they left me here by myself. And then it took a few more months to figure out why I was so unhappy: Like you, I was busy living somewhere in the future.

So in the past year and a half, I've had this mantra: "Let me want only those things that help me grow and become a better me. I live here, now." It's taken that full year and a half to be a little more comfortable, but I'm still working on it. Thanks again for letting me know that I'm not the only one who's in this space. (and decluttering too. This one has taken me much longer.)

Blessings to you.

I'm with you on this one. For the last year I've been waiting for the Big Thing to happen. Waiting waiting waiting. Well now we are in the USA and I'm still waiting. Waiting to see if my application for a work permit will come in. Waiting for Things to Happen. They won't happen if I don't make them happen, or put myself in the way of Things Happening. So just like you, I will make myself a Life.

My wake-up call started years ago when my grandma died. I kept thinking, "Would she be happy knowing that you're living like this?" It took some years after that to get to where I really wanted to be but that was OK. I knew it wouldn't be overnight. And yeah, sometimes I think about moving but then I think, "What could be better than here?"

Well, well. First of all, July SUCKED ARSE all the way around. I am amazed (and a little frightened) at how many people had really, really bad things happen in July. I'm just glad we all made it through, despite being a little worse for the wear.

Secondly, I am supa glad you decided to move into your house. Primarily because it's supa cute, but secondarily because HAVE YOU SEEN RENTAL RATES LATELY?!!!! Even "out there", in the Valley, they are RIDICULOUS!!! And also, Westside Rentals is a rip off. All their listings are old, outdated, or just plain wrong. Craigslist is a much better option, in my opinion. Of course, then you run the risk of acquiring more crap under the "free" section...

I think we all get the moment of clarity at some point where we realize everything will never be perfect and we need to make the NOW as wonderful as it can be. In my last house, I had this discussion with my husband and convinced him it was worth spending a large chunk of change to make our house beautiful for us...not wait until it was time to sell. Live for the now.

I still have setbacks but I guess learning to live for what we have today comes with age. And a good glass of wine!

Congratulations to you - you've accomplished so MUCH in the past several months. You are a strong woman - thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us!

BTW, most of the free (or cheap) stuff on Craigslist is from

{{wait for it}}

Ikea.

:)

Could we have a show of hands on how many people started crying when they read about Roy's blanket?

I sure did. Which may have to do with being a Cancer and tending to be all emotional plus liking to have all my comfy little boxes of stuff all around me. Roy's blanket is going to be my new standard by which I measure keeping my cluttery stuff.

Oh my, Laurie, this is a dangerous post. It's going to start a huge decluttering movement in this country, and the energy released is going to be phenomenal. The people who don't read Crazy Aunt Purl (shame on them!) aren't going to know what hit them.

"or so says Maya Angelou and I do not argue with her." That is such wisdom! I wonder how many times I argue with her a day and don't even know it... She deserves better than that.

This is a fantastic post. As an Air Force kid I never had to have a clean room because I knew it would "clean" itself in a couple of years when we moved again. I also had the urge to move to try and fix things; to start again. You're absolutely right, the future doesn't start with the next house, or haircut, or after this zit pops. It happens when I have friends over to knit and I'm not ashamed of the clutter.

You're awesome.

Laurie, you are channeling me! Stop it!!!LOL No, this post probably has more hot buttons with me than anything else you've ever written. Wow.

Wow.

You are just so awesome, there are no words :)

Thanks Laurie.

You write the things many of us feel but are too ashamed to admit.

What is up with the WAITING? I've been waiting all my life.

I'm really glad that you wrote that. Wordiness and all. And I'm really glad that I chose today to look up that one blog that I used to read and love. This is exactly what I needed.

Laurie -- lotsa times you say exactly what I need to hear. Thanks for this last little life lesson you have learned.

Aside from different life circumstances, I couldn't possibly relate more to what you have written here. Thank you. August is the month that I finally move in to my home and my life.

What a wonderful piece of introspection-it says volumes about you as a person that you have thought it through so well. I have been there and try not to go again. Let me tell you a story, perfect encouragement for the changes you want to make. I spent over 2 months packing, sorting and moving my mother. It was my epiphany about this issue. She is 74 and she has never left the "pretty things make my life perfect" mode. She literally hadn't parted with anything for 50 years. There were my younger brother's tennis shorts from 30 years ago, empty gift boxes from department stores, multiple boxes of (insert noun of your choice, such as soaps, chocolates) ___ from discount department stores,etc.. cramming 7 closets, a 3100 sqaure foot house and an ENTIRE garage. It was a battle to get her to get rid of things(including clothes that were size 0 and mulitple pairs of the same shoes) and to keep her from unpacking the boxes and retrieving things from the trash. I recall saying to her at one point-"It is sad to me that you are allowing possession of material things to dictate the quality of your life."As kids, we weren't permitted to sit on alot of the furniture(antique you know)or touch things. I couldn't bring my 2 boys there because she freaked.I was told to "save"(again, insert your noun) for good and not use it/enjoy it.It has been a hard habit to break. Anyway-she is not past that line in the sand and probably won't be.She has not gotten past the Depression-era childhood and terrible divorce that was 25(!!!) years ago.
It is sad to me because I care about her-and also made me go through my house like the Tasmanian Devil. I tell my kids things can't bring you happiness, that you'll always want more or different, and I remind my self of that because it is so easy to fall into that trap. So the upshot of this treatise is that you don't want this to be you and neither do I. Good luck and I can't wait to hear about your house changes.

Your post has made me all teary and for a few minutes I couldn't figure out why. I have always been very conscious of living in the moment and have always been grateful for all the amazing people and things and opportunities in my life. But I somehow let my awareness of "right now" slip away sometime in the past year or so. I don't know how it happened, but judging by the lump in my throat right now, it did. Thank you so much for the wakeup call.

I am in the progress of selling my current condo so that I can move into the beautiful new house I bought, I am growing out my hair, I am going on two spectacular trips in the next couple of months, then planning to start a family in the spring. Lots to look forward to right? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe it should be about today. And right now. Maybe I will start to feel less stressed out and cranky and anxious, and can just enjoy the fact that I am sitting at my desk, drinking a Diet Coke and reading your fabulous post. That's more than enough to make me happy in this very moment.

Well said!

Amen, and thank you. I moved in February. So far I have put up one picture and one ceramic piece... right.

I've been pushing away all the different things that living here by myself (only one cat, alas) represents. Which is ridiculous, given that this is the only go-round I (or anyone else) gets.

And I am going to carve that Maya Angelou quote on my forehead if I have to. :)

Amen. Namaste. and Om, Baybeee! Go ON with your Bad ole self!

Hurray! And congratulations! The house does not know what is about to hit it. I've been itching to dig into the same thing myself; thanks for the inspiration. No wonder I stalk you...

And check out our blog - in yesterday's post, there are yaks are for you!

What was it about July 13? On that date, I looked around my overfull, over messy, over cluttered, over whelmed house and said "Enough". I vowed to buy nothing other than food and gas for a year. Or perhaps forever. Since then I have bought nothing and I desire nothing. I went instantly from "I want it all" to "I don't need it" and have not been tempted at all. It was a great big lightning bolt and I'm amazed at the results both mentally and physically. I'm decluttering things I never thought I could let go and I don't feel sad, I feel liberated.

Movin' on. Feels good.

Dear Mudfoot,

You have eloquently captured this so-called life we live, oh-so brillantly. And for that I celebrate you...as you celebrate today.

Enjoy this August.

Sincerely,
Laurie

"I have been waiting until conditions were perfectly right to live fully. Apparently I think somewhere off in the future there is a really good life and if I wait long enough I will get to it."

Somehow, that thought is always at the back of my mind. I know what you mean, and I know where I want to be. I have (slowly, slowly) been trying to mesh the somewhere-out-there with now. Despite any imperfections, losses or things we just don't like, let's do this life thing. It's not an easy process, but it sounds delightfully rewarding.

Today I turned my calendar to August and found this quote from Theodore Roosevelt:
"Do what you can with what you have where you are."
Wise words. From him. And from you.

Wow!! Thank you so much for helping me to take a deep breath and take a look around and be thankful for here and now.

Wow. I love everything about this post. You are one of those writers who, when I read what you write, I think, "yes! that's me! you said exactly what I feel!" only I could never think to put it the way you did. You rock.

On my vacation last month, one of my 3 year-old sons had a near-fatal accident. It was a terribly traumatic event, and for five full minutes dh and I actually did think he was dead. When we got him back, alive and okay, it was the Biggest Thing to ever happen to me, and I think it is going to totally reframe my life from here on out. Or it should, if I know what's good for me. I have always wanted more things, wanted to be something other than what I am, always thinking Happiness was out there somewhere. You said it so well - I've been living my whole life on credit, waiting for that someday to come. But getting my little boy back made me realize: how could I ever again want anything that I don't already have? I have everything I need, right now. I need to embrace the life I've got and live it.

I'm with ya, exercising the grateful muscles! And I expect August to be a fabulous month. Best to you, Laurie. You're my hero.

July was quite the month for me as well. Actually, June too. Separation, moving, anxiety, fear...I can't believe I made it through. Your words come at a perfect time for me, Laurie. Thanks for always sharing what everyone else seems to be feeling.

That was one of your best yet, no apology needed. Sometimes wordy is exactly right.

This is all stuff I supposedly "know" but apparently I manage to forget every single day. Thanks so much for the reminder. For me, I'm waiting for ... getting the debts paid off, getting the remodeling done, getting through this week--if I can just get through the week, really, things will be much better! And shopping for happiness--yep, I have been dealing with that impulse for longer than I can remember. Your eloquent reminder has come at the perfect time for me. Is it a Cancer thing?

'Gratitude muscle' - remembering I have choice, no matter what, is such a good thing. Here's to August. Awesome column...wow. Thank you.

Your post--coupled with the re-newed knowledge that Martin Luther King, Jr. was assasinated at age 39--made me sit up and realize I'm not living in the now. Why is my spare bedroom a disaster area? Why is my bathroom in dire need of a fix up? After TEN years in my house?? What the heck am I waiting on? I'm going to be 41, and my life is now. It is definitely started. So I'd better get my butt in gear!!

In "Through the Looking-Glass." Alice (of Wonderland fame) goes to another mad tea party, and asks for jam.

They tell her she can't have any. "The rule is: jam yesterday, or jam tomorrow, but never jam today."

Poking fun at you and at my natural tendencies.

My licence plate says "JAM2DAY" as a reminder.

I try to follow it's advice.

I've been slowly but surely organizing and decorating my apartment, too.

A friend of mine is a hospice worker and cared for an elderly lady until she died. Afterwards she went with the woman's relatives to her apartment to help them clean out her things. In the woman home apart from her everyday clothes was one closet with rows and rows of cashmere sweaters, designer suits and other beautiful things with the tags still on them. The woman had been saving for a special occasion. The first time she ever wore one of those suits was at her funeral.

dude.

That. Was. Deep.

I think I love you and this is my first comment ever.

Laurie,

Thank you for this post. You really spoke to my heart here. This has been something that has been a lot on my mind lately. I've been such a gypsy the last few years (or maybe decade...) and I think that I am never happy where I am at. There is always something else I want to be, someplace else I want to be. It's been an itch I just can't resist scratching. Like I have wandering-tourette's-syndrome.

And I just take my junk with me. Actually - it's so bad now that I have some with me, and some in storage... ugh!

you must be inside my head. I dreamed last week that you blogged about moving....how weird.
I have to constantly fight my urge to add more to my house. (It is tiny 900 sq ft) Yet somehow, I am convinced more will fit. Thanks for reminding me that I don't need more.

getting rid of the beloved's stuff...it's heartbreaking but healing. August will be great...

Wow.

I can honestly say that your heartfelt words truly convey what I have been feeling over the past four years. That is how long it has been since my husband left. I keep feeling like I am waiting for the rest of my life to begin. I only recently found your blog, and this is my first post - but I doubt it will be my last.

You go girl! Hang in there. It helps so much to know that we are not alone.

Thank you!

Having just moved into a new place, I really needed to read this. Not just from a practical, get-those-boxes-unpacked standpoint, but also from an emotional one. We have been living in this area for a year now, and I am in my 3rd temporary job. We keep saying "we'll do that once I get a permanent job," but who knows when that will be? Meanwhile, I want us to live our lives! So yes, we moved, but it didn't make the rest of my life any more secure or stable than it already was(n't). We just have to live with what we've got. And get rid of some of this *stuff!*

A thousand years ago when I was in high school I used to wear this button that said "Life is not a dress rehearsal." I thought I was cool and hip at the time, but I didn't really begin to understand the message until I was older. You've just given yourself the present. (ha! pun!) I'll be toasting you with my own glass of wine tonight.

The line that got me was "But maybe gratitude is like a muscle, like a bicep or something, and I have to exercise it regularly or it gets weak."

Lot of wisdom there.

Along those lines, have you seen this (It'll give you a necessary laugh, I'd think)?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxFx0NzSjWw

It all seems so logical - living in the now - but we often make it so hard on ourselves by coming up with every excuse in the book not to. I am struggling with similar demons in my life these days. I'm happily married with wonderful kids, but we've lived in limbo for the past 7 or 8 years. The temporary nature of our homes was my excuse for not dealing with our clutter. Now that we have a permanent home, I'm running out of excuses. It all just sits here looking me in the face.

I'm coming to find that it's hard to put the excuses aside and just make the necessary changes in my life. We can be so afraid of failure or disappointment, I think, that we make up every excuse we can think of to avoid facing the reality we live and jumping into our own lives like we would have leaped into a swimming pool on a hot day as a kid. It should be so refreshing, but fear keeps me from taking that first step. I'm getting there, and it's encouraging to see others coming to similar conclusions in their own lives, even if the circumstances aren't the same.

There was a short story I read in high school, which was a very long time ago. I'm thinking the author might have been Henry James, but maybe not. Anyway, it was about a guy who was convinced that something VERY BIG would happen to him. He kept waiting for it to happen. He waited his entire life. On his deathbed, he realized that the "thing" that defined him was never having a life at all. You've written that story, only much more engagingly.

Thank you. I too am at a point where I needed to hear this.

You are a wise, wonderful woman. Thanks for saying what so many of us probably suspect is true, but haven't articulated quite as well. And cannolis? Love 'em!

You are always saying that you are crazy, but the fact is that nothing makes more sense than the things you write and the way that you feel. I just cried reading this today, because I feel EXACTLY the same way.

Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one... We aren't crazy.

Laurie,
Like many who have commented here, I have been waiting just like you. It's exhausting -- all this waiting. I wanted you to know that you are such an inspiration to me. I hope I can be brave enough to unpack and settle in. Thank you.

After my divorce, and then after my second husband died, I threw everything out. Both times I wanted to start clean. Reset the clock.

I wanted no reminders messing up my fantasy - the one where I'm actually able to block every undesirable memory.

But then I realized I had thrown out some stuff that had little to do with the relationships and a lot to do with me - mostly crafty stuff, like my sewing machine, my canning pot. In an attempt to wipe out the sad/bad parts, I had erased parts of myself.

So I am now replacing the surprisingly few things I miss. I am cooking and crafting and creating again. Hell, I might even put up a Xmas tree this year.

With new ornaments.

Good luck with your reorganization. It's all going to be ok. It really is.

{{{{CAP}}}}

Now I am motivated to de-clutter, too!

By the way, how are Soba, Frankie and Bob doing?

Waiting for life to be perfect....that resonates a lot with me. That was me 10 years ago. To an extent, it's still me a little bit. I've moved past it, and life is the best it's ever been for me. Today is my 33rd birthday and it's the best birthday I've ever had. In part, because I've moved past that. I just didn't realized I had, nor did I realize at the time what I was doing.

Thank you for crystalizing that idea into such elegant words. It helps give perspective and make me grateful for how I've moved on.

Letting go of stuff - still working on that. :) I have a garage full of stuff from our move this last month that hasn't made it into the house yet, and surprisingly? I haven't missed much of it. Most of the stuff that I need and use day to day is in the house already. We're have a BIG garage/take it to Goodwill weekend coming up in the near future.

Thank you Laurie, for saying so beautifully what most of us either feel, have felt, or are going to be feeling in the future. Far from being crazy or odd, you are just the same as every other woman who has thoughts and feelings. Except maybe the cannoli.

Your post meant so much. My husband and I just relocated from California to Ohio last september and now it looks like we are going to moving back. (all relocating for business too).

Since we were able to buy a 3000sqft house out in the boonies of Ohio and our prospects look around 1500sqft back in CA. So now we are starting to go through the begining of your journey & trying to figure out why we are holding on to junk & why this junk means so much to us.

When we moved out here I packed 3 boxes of rocks for my husband. He is mcuh worst than I am!

Wow.

Dammit, when does your book come out? This post has tears in my eyes and me wondering how the hell you tapped into my brain? I WANT YOUR BOOK. So does my daughter and my mother, tho they don't know it yet.

Thank you Laurie for putting that so clearly into words. I realized that I have been doing the same since my divorce. Even tho' mine was mutually and happily agreed upon and I have gotten used to being on my own, I still feel that I am stuck with waiting for the right time. I plan to radically downsize the last of my "why am I hanging onto things that have been packed in boxes for the last three years", hang up the pictures in my now lived here two years apartment and concentrate on the things that matter in my life.
Thank you for your from the soul look at things. By the way, I am a "universe" gal myself.
Best of everything to you.
Donna
KnitWriteCookGo at Blogger.com

Many parts of your post describe me as well. I've been making inroads on some of it, but there is more yet to be done. Wishing you and awesome August!

I, too have often lived Waiting for the Future. One day, I thought, I will be the perfect weight and have the perfect hair and boyfriend and house, etc. Judging from the comments - it seems like a lot of people feel the same way. I finally realized I have to be able to be happy right Now. How much easier everything would be if we just enjoyed life as it is at this moment instead of waiting for ourselves to become "perfect." Still working on it but getting better.

Totally unrelated: please check out bottlebabies.blogspot.com - another knitter posted a blog of kittens to be adopted through pet rescue in the Burbank area. If I lived in LA I would have adopted Zoot immediately!!!

how do you do it, and do it so well?
I swear you can see my thoughts. It's spooky.
Even though I am not divorced, I have been having the eternal feeling of waiting...waiting to have kids, waiting to move into our permanent house, waiting for the kids to get bigger, waiting for something I want to do come around the bend. I am tired of waiting. I want to live it today too! It doesn't help that I have several women in my family that would be that woman, the one on the corner of the bed. I am one step removed from her. I get her.
Let's hope we all have a kick ass August!

We love you!!!!

I have been fighting with the idea of stuff for ages......my dad is a packrat and living with all his junk as a kid was overwhelming so I try to have no junk....but WAITING! I had never thought of the WAITING PART! Life is now, I had been waiting too....I had forgotten that time is NOW!

Thanks Laurie so much!

THANK YOU!!!

Laurie, I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and I have to tell you that you are a very wise woman. I love your insight and your attitude. Besides, every picture you post of yourself has a huge smile on it. Go for it, Laurie!

if only you could bottle that.....

I loved this post, Laurie. So thoughtful and real. Loved it.

Remembering that scraps of cloth are just scraps of cloth and that souls are more important. Priceless.

Off topic from today's post, but I just came across this news story and thought of you and your neighborhood 'dung' issues. Surely in California there must be similar laws protecting ground water.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070801/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_crime_manure

Just trying to do my civil duty...

I,like so many others, can relate to today's post and I'm also looking forward to making August a month of home/life improvement! Starting with this comment, which is my first ever on your blog. :-)

Jodi

Laurie, what a great post. It literally came on a day when my fiance and I fought, with him asking me why I always seemed "to be waiting for something."

My life so far as been all talk and no action; all planning and no doing, and I vow to change that.

Thanks for this entry.

your crying while the garbagemen took out Roy's blanket reminded me of the time my husband threw out the ZIPLOC BAGS WITH LIPTON TEA BAGS IN THEM right before we moved (how dare he! what a criminal! you say)

well, my mother had died a few years before and I was keeping the (old, stale, somewhat bug infested but we won't talk about that) tea in the cupboard because the baggies were labelled in her handwriting and I liked to look at it sometimes when I was rummaging around looking for salt or oregano or whatever.

Anyway, I'm just glad somebody else gets the crazy. Glad it's not just me. :-)

And Im glad you tossed Roy's blankie. If it were me, it'd probably still be set up as a shrine in the living room.

thanks-just thanks

thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words and thoughts.

I have been having many of the same thoughts about life, the universe and everything...I am turning 35 next year.

This is IT, I am in my prime RIGHT NOW. I'm trying to stop waiting and embrace that.

But secretly I can't help but think everything will be better after I spring clean ;)...

You make my heart happy and you break it all at the same time. My only wish? That you were moving in to a house near me!!

Check out Mezzo Bookcases at Room & Board. They are GORGEOUS, and only $4,000 for three for me! http://www.roomandboard.com/rnb/collection.do?method=get&id=377614&cat=56

Well, I would send you a house-warming present, but that sort of defeats the purpose of the purge...

Laurie--
As usual, you reached me right where I am today. I have lived in our new home for one year this month and I haven't hung a picture yet. I think that I want things to be "perfect." Like you, I also spend my life waiting for everything to be just right so that I can begin to live my life. There's that old saying: "Life is not a dress rehearsal."

You have inspired me to live now and to make my house a home today, not tomorrow or next week or next year.

I totally understand about Roy's blanket. I still have my daughter's "blankie" neatly washed and hanging on a hanger in my closet (she's 24).
But the blanket is not Roy and my daughter is not her blanket. Your memories of Roy will always be there.

I think that it speaks so much of your caring and compassionate nature that you took care of your cats even when taking care of yourself was hard. I have been there.

Take care of yourself and please know that you give so much to so many.

The honesty, humanity, reality, humility, and hello-this-is-your-life-too-ness of this (and other posts) are one of my favorite things about your writing (made up words are pretty great, too). And part of why I appreciate this post is because I feel that it had to be really hard to write. Thank you for doing it. I probably needed it, and I was glad to read it. Good luck with your move!

So wait a minute. I've been in therapy for, like, 10 years because I want to have written this post. Maybe what I need is more wine and cannoli.

I too came to this same conclusion in July. I can't believe how much of my life I have sat by waiting for things to happen so that I can start living.

What a great post, Laurie. And yes, I cried when I read about Roy's blanket. As I read comments, made supper, thought about your post, some random ideas appeared in my little brain. Kids are told to plan for the future. Get good grades so you can get a scholarship. Take part in this activity, it will look good on applications. Dance, play organized sports...it's all going to impact your future. We are to save for our retirement. Starter homes are only the beginning..we must move on or be deemed a failure. In order to survive, some planning ahead is necessary..but maybe we are taking it to an extreme. /shrug..I don't know.

"And I didn't want to be that woman, the one sleeping in a tiny corner of her own life."

Have you been peeping in my windows? You've written about my very existence with pinpoint accuracy. For the last year I've been thinking about moving, because the clutter is crowding me out of house and home.

I still think I'd like a bigger place (with more than one bedroom or bathroom) so that I could have houseguests, and a yarn room, but I suppose that's certainly not a necessity.

Thanks for reminding me to be grateful for what I've already been blessed with.

Incredibly well said. I came to this realization about six years ago, and I still have to work at living it every single day. Hugs and best wishes to you for continuing on the path.

You are not alone. We are not alone. Looking at these posts there are many of us are working on these same issues together. Thank you for sharing your lovely post. I send my best wishes to you and the universe for a productive August; may you be more content September.

I can't tell you how much I needed your post today. I grew up in an 800/sf New Orleans bungalow chock full of boxes, full of mementos from generations gone by, full of "One Day Everything Will Be Fine." I grew up surrounded by boxes, waiting.

Dad died in 2005 and Katrina hit less than three weeks later. When Mom had to make decisions about her belongings, she dug in to de-clutter. Katrina forced a lot of decisions: some things were far too ruined to salvage. But I have watched her go through the process, watched her toss bag after bag after bag of clutter. For both of us, it's been like taking off a lead coat. When the repairs were done and it was time to redecorate, Mom chose an array of bright, happy colors for the walls and curtains -- Chanel pink, daffodil yellow, hyacinth, turquoise -- and brilliant white for the trim and cabinets. Her house is happy, airy and girly now.

25+ years ago, when I moved away from home and was single, I lived without clutter for a long time, but I somehow married a man with a bad case of Accumulationitis. We are working on that.

Thanks again for a wondrous post. You are amazing. But Luca Brasi as the Universe? That's compelling. He was the only person Vito Corleone was afraid of.

"The waiting is the hardest part...
every day you see one more card..."

--Tom Petty

You are wonderful. Go with this. It is the best approach---it fills you with life, brings you closer to God and has a greater chance for happiness and goodness than any I can imagine. I love reading your writing. I miss Roy too and I was barely acquainted.

A home is where your heart is. I completely follow what you are saying, and understand.

My man and I lived in a 'temporary' house for 3 years. We've just recently bought a tiny terrace (the floor plan is less than 100square meters). Deciding to make roots, to make it nice for now, not to wait for it to be perfect, but to try and do something that was good for us to live in, thats made us really happy. Our friends drop by all the time, the place is comfortable, and we love the way it makes us feel to be there.

Good luck.

This September we will have been 11 years in this apartment and have no plans to move anytime soon. And this August, I'm repainting my entire upstairs (a big lofty type open space). After the Chicken Vacation, I realized I've been living in limbo (waiting for the CatMan to finish school)and frankly I'm tired of it. So my 45th birthday gift to myself is getting rid of the stuff I've been carting around, redoing my apartment (with the blessing of a great landlord/lady), and taking care of some physical stuff I've been putting off! Here's to August 2007!

It is funny how reading the writings of another person can turn on a light bulb for another.

I have been in a funk for several years. I thought by quiting my high stress/high paying job I'd get out of that funk. Tried that. Six months later, I'm still in a funk.

Anyways, thank you for your post. It has made me look at my funk in a different light.

Wishing you all the best!

It´s half past one in the middle of the night here in Europe and I just wrote an email to my brother, how tired I am of being alone and stuff, lingering between self-pity and rage, and then I decided to look to your blog before going back to bed. And your post struck like a bomb...
Yes, it is our life, and not just a rehearsal for the real thing. It´s the only life we´ll have.
And now I´m sure I´ll be able to give a home to the poor little kitten I met today. Very small, kind of ugly, mostly fur and bones and bright, blue-green eyes. With a white collar around it´s thin neck. It will live, and so will I.

I still have the t-shirt I was wearing when Basil (my Roy) died in 1998. He dies in my arms after a battle with complications from diabetes. I have never washed it; it's covered in his hair and still has some semblence of his smell left in it. I know exactly where it is in my closet. You're so brave getting rid of Roy's blanket. Maybe I can be brave too.

This post did it...Ya made me delurk Laurie!

You've put into words the very feelings that have been swirling around in my head for the last two days. It's time to make NOW fantastic, to make NOW amazing & to not be afraid of embracing every moment!

Thank you for living your life openly & letting us share in these moments!

Soyi

Laurie, my husband had what was afflicting Roy. My husband died 6 weeks ago. I have the knitted cap I made for him. You have put into beautiful words stuff I haven't been able to touch in my heart. And you have come out the other side - I'm thinking there is hope for me too.

I'm currently de-cluttering so that I can pack my stuff into a storage unit and move from Atlanta to NYC to try to find the next adventure. Thank you thank you for this post today! You are helping me remember that my LIFE is not my STUFF...it's just stuff.

Amen! We finally bought curtains that fit the windows last year, after 12 years living here. I decided if we weren't gonna move, then this place needed to be all it could be, not just passable.

I was sitting at the 3rd Street Promenade waiting for my partner and heard a street singer doing a cover of Bright Eyes' "First Day of My Life". As I was listening, I heard, "But I'd rather be working for a paycheck, Than waiting to win the lottery."

It was like a smack in the head. I, too, keep waiting and dreaming of 'tomorrow' and yet here's today, passing me by. So I've decided to go 'work' and I'll still hope for the 'lottery', but it will be a bonus.

You just blow me away sometimes.

"And I didn't want to be that woman, the one sleeping in a tiny corner of her own life."

"Now I know they do not sell my brand of happy at a store. "

I celebrate your epiphany with you. With a nice bottle of wine, of course.

Laurie, you described it perfectly! I've been reading your blog for a while, but haven't commented (shame on lurker-me) even though I love your writing and you're so good at articulating the same vague feelings I get. I've never really fully moved into a place either - I never decorate and make it mine. It's just a space 'for now'. And whenever I'm frustrated or sad I always want to just go somewhere, anywhere else, because miraculously things would be different there. Thanks for the reminder to go live now, I'm off to knit and listen to Carolyn Dawn Johnson's "This ain't no dress rehearsal" :)

You got it, girlfriend, you got it. The one lesson I managed to figure out when I hit 30 (a few years ago) was that life is happening right now. Now, I'll readily admit to still working on learning my other lessons, but that one I've got. Welcome to August!

what a lovely post, as usual, Laurie. your blog is so inspiring, whether it be to crack me up with laughter (which it consistently does), or to make me really stop and think about my life.

i'm packing for a major move across the country this week, and i've been kind of terrified, getting rid of old things with sentimental value, etc. it's been freeing to get rid of things, but also terrifying. i do think many of us (myself included) fall victim to the "some day" putting off of our lives. i will revisit this post whenever i feel myself slipping into this pattern again. thanks for expressing it so poignantly.

I've been reading your blog for a while now, a lurker, who found you through knitting but stayed for your wit and wisdom and well, frankly, the cats too. I always got a kick out of your cat stories and pictures. I felt a kinship of some sort with you, though I'm an east coaster, a bit older and found myself single at 36 with three kids in addition to my cat.

I cried like a baby when I read about Roy. You see I had recently lost my best friend, Tucker in May. That cat was a part of my life for 16 years (he was around longer than my husband) and I've been feeling really lost and sad and not like myself all summer.
What you wrote today was so moving. My kids are grown now and I realize I've spent a good portion of my life waiting for the right time to live MY LIFE. Thank you for sharing... see what I mean about the wisdom. I knew from the first you were worth it so go get it all!!

Amen. Best of luck with the movin' in hon.

Also, I smoked for fifteen years. I never smoked in my house. Not even at forty below. You aren't alone in that particular brand of crazy. Now, maybe I should do a bit of decorating around here. A house ain't coming along anytime soon.

Thanks for your post today Laurie. Words of wisdom. I've been so tired of trying to get up every day, keep working, keep living my life in spite of the pain and the fear and anxiety which just get so. old. I keep waiting to get through one whole entire day without tears because that will mean... what? exactly? I don't know.

When my Sammie died just a few days after your Roy, i went crazy with the cleanin'. Within 2 days, every cat-related thing in my apt. was gone except for her collar which has been in my purse ever since. It was good for me to do. Now if only I could do a mental clean that was half as thorough I'd be in a lot better shape.

A friend of mine said an amazing thing to me though a few months ago. I was complaining about not being able to enjoy some evening with friends as much as I wanted because of the underlying sad that is with me so much these days. And she told me that however much I was able to enjoy it was just perfect the way it was, just like I was fine the way I was. I really needed to hear that. I can't wait to live my life until I feel better! And I can't beat myself up 'cause I'm not yet where I want to be!! I just gotta live it and know that better days are comin' and wherever I am right now is okay for right now.

PS: Do you have any openings right now for addtl BFFs? 'cause I'd like to submit an application please... ;-)

I, too, often realize I'm waiting for the rest of my life to start and I'm not sure what I should do to start living it. Right after my separation, I moved to another state. I was feeling low about the whole situation and unsure. Well, one Sunday in church I'm trying really hard to keep it together and not wallow too deeply and I'm praying and praying to God about what should I do and where should I go and the every popular WHY??? At that moment the pastor started his sermon about the Isrealites (sp??) and how they were moaning and God flat out told them to go ahead and dig in because this was where they were going to live. It may not be what they wanted, but this was going to be their home and to get over it. (I paraphrase of course!). Talk about a big sledgehammer to my head! I have tried every day to remember that message, dig in because this is home! I'm glad you're taking on the here and now and I congratulate you.

If you read down this far in the comments, please know that you really hit me below the belt today. I have lived in the same house for 35 years--YEARS!!--and hated it the whole time. I have wanted desperately to move back East--I haven't ever felt "at home" in Calif--and things have come up which make that highly unlikely to happen. So. Maybe it's time to claim my house as MINE and MAKE IT HOME, and get my life together. PS, I sleep on a corner of the bed--the cat and the books have the rest of it!

Wow, there are so many wise "wake up" points in this post, I'm printing it out to paste in my journal so I can reread repeatedly.

Thank you!!

Laurie, your insightful post really had an impact on me today and it was perfect timing. I know this sounds kinda weird, but I'm printing it out and carrying it in my purse. When I have quiet moments during the day and I'm feeling less than satisfied with my life, I'm going to re-read it to remind me to live in the moment and be appreciative of what I do have. A huge thank you.

Kim

That crazy space surrounded by boxes and clutter could be the description of my home, too, Laurie. (We're both Cancers, maybe that's it.) It's OK to fall asleep envisioning a future home with a better version of a future you—as long as you wake up every morning and take steps that are in alignment with becoming the future "you" rather than staying where you are. I know: because that's what I'm working on myself these days.

I've also finally realized it's pointless to wait to enjoy things "tomorrow" because there is no such thing as tomorrow. Tomorrow never arrives—it just becomes "today".

Good luck to all of us who are just beginning to understand how to stop waiting and live in the "now". Sending major de-cluttering vibes your way.

August 07 must be the month of "epiphanies" because I had one myself today.. about something altogether different. ((hugs to you)). It's been a hard time for you lately... I hope things get better.

Laurie - two years before my Dad died, he threw a clot into one of his renal arteries and almost died. And being that he was a doctor and knew too much for his own good, he knew that he'd drawn the "dialysis forever" card. And he said something to me that changed my life - "You know, the only thing I regret is that I'll never be able to go flyfishing in Montana now."
Shoot. Who knew? He'd never told anyone that he wanted to do that. It had always been "someday." So I sat down and wrote down my list of "things I have always wanted to do but were too scared to do" list and number one was "Learn to play the fiddle." And I went out and bought the first fiddle I could find. It was cheap and brand new and I found a teacher who could handle a 49 year old person with bone spurs and arthitis in the hands and who would teach me. And she had me play and it sounded like crap. And she saw that I was really depressed and ready to give up right away and she took the fiddle and she played it. And this is an artist who has played all over the US and knows probably 6000 different pieces of music from all over. And when she played that fiddle..it sounded like crap too. And she explained to me that brand new fiddles are like that - even the best ones won't sound as good when they are new as when they've been played a lot. You have to pour a lot of music into them. And somehow, by doing that, the vibrations make all the cells in the wood line up somehow and the music gets better and better. And she had me play on HER violin and yep, I sounded like crap, but it was great crap because her fiddle had about 30 years of music whumped into it, so even Twinkle Twinkle sounded pretty damn good. That was six years ago. Am I a terrific player? Nope. Never will be - I don't work hard enough at it. But I sure do have fun and it's a lot more fun playing than sitting at home waiting to "get good" before I do. You are gorgeous enough NOW. You are talented enough NOW. You are productive enough NOW. To do anything you want to do. Someday never comes and if you wait to be good enough to play, then the fiddle will never sound good. So, play NOW. And enjoy NOW. Smooch.

I don't know whether to stand up and applaud or just thank you for so often saying what I need to hear.

If you don't mind, I will join you in the August where I stop waiting for something nameless, and make things happen.

Thank you!!

this post meant more to me than you can possibly know. thank you for finding the words to describe a place i know all too well.

A LOVE LETTER TO YOUR MOM AND DAD

You have raised a special child; a gifted, savy, artistic child. I salute you, Dear Parents. You did everything right. I adore you.

*takes deep breath*
*blows it out*

I really, really needed to hear that.

Message received.

Universe, give me strength to follow through. Or at least some caffeine.

thank you. Your words are very powerful. Here's to a great and wonderful August!

'I know that current conditions will never be perfect, but it will simply have to be good enough.'

This is what my therapist told me yesterday - I could've saved $100 and just read your post!

Love your work :)

Wow...you could have ripped my head open and read my exact thoughts...thanks for putting it all so eloquently. I too have a problem holding on to "stuff" that takes on mythic meaning. But as you say, it's a process and I work on it every...single...day. Good luck.

this was a good reminder post for us all... there are times in everyone's life, when we have to be in an unwanted/uncomfortable position for awhile, and wait to get back to a better place. people that are sick and getting treatment and will be sicker, will have to wait for their health and wellness...sometimes we all have to just grin and bear it...i say," bear it and share it!" that is what friends are for. and in the case of online blogs, sharing with strangers is just as good therapy as sharing with a shrink...maybe better.
i cannot deny that i am waiting for the future. i have great hopes to get back to planning a house renovation, and landscaping this place. i want my happy future yes....yet i find ways to be happy now as well. it is hard to be patient and not get depressed when things seem so distant. but just doing the acts of a normal life: trying to laugh and joke at work with friends, gardening...whatever, must be what we find happiness in now. until the rest comes by eventually. i know i have to work at this usually. it has been hard for me to be completely satisfied with my life in all its stages...maybe i am still trying to make my lil girl dreams come true? i dont know...i wonder if this is either a womans issue, a general humans issue, or maybe just an american issue. maybe this need to move ahead and make ourselves change is a survival of the fittest/ instict thing. ya think?

Is this a Sagittarius thing going on right now? I'm going through the same state of unrest right now...I realized recently that part of the reason I've never really adjusted to my move to CA from the midwest MIGHT have something to do with the fact that I have still (4 years later) not hung a single thing on any walls in the whole place and have NO living room furniture, other than a lawn chair. I sold my (old) furniture before moving west and assumed I'd get all new, but it just never felt "right." So in fact, I've never really "moved in" and in many ways, I'm still a visitor. A job opportunity has come up in North Carolina and while a part of me wants to take it, another part doesn't want to move on when I'm still in a nomadic state...but should I settle in (hang a picture or buy a couch) only to uproot and move cross-country again????

They say it's our year for big (positive) change, so I guess we have to be ready and open to it.

OMG !! You have summed up everything I've been feeling for the past SIX -- count 'em SIX -- years !! I have "wished away" so much damned time. This really cut me to the quick. I have boxes of stuff still boxed from when my (now ex) husband and I first separated. (Yep. "Those" six years ago.) Still in the damned boxes, I tell you. I have been in my current home for almost two years now. As you said, not fully moved in. Let this be the month for me to get off my ass and get it done. I'm with you on this. You have inspired the un-inspireable.

I am so proud of you and your epiphany. (Why can't I get these on my own ?!?) Gal, you would be an excellent therapist. (In your own way, you really are, y'know !) I am crying right now, which is so not "me". Mostly because there is SUCH TRUTH to what you've posted. Honestly, it's as if you can read my mind. I feel ya. Thanks again for such a brutally honest blog. You've really touched me. Chin up to all of us who've been there or are there now. I was the chick sleeping on a small corner of the bed for SUCH a long time. Now, maybe I'll get to enjoy having a whole, uncluttered bedroom (maybe even apartment) before the end of the month AND for the first time in oh-so-many years.

Must show this blog to others and share the wisdom. For, CAP, you are wise.

Much love, and not in a stalkery freakish way...
Margaritavillian

Wow, that was really beautiful, and I can completely relate. I hope you know how much you touch people w/ your honesty and candor. Thank you!!

Go give that little house of yours a hug! It's been your friend all along and now you have the desire to put a "purty new dress" on it. Do it! You're blessed and now you know it. Go, Laurie, go!

Wow. And THANK YOU! Wow.

I don't know how you manage to write exactly what I am going through... again. :)

Thank you, Laurie. That's exactly what I've been feeling...but you are able to write about it in a smart, funny, spot-on way. Movin' on up!

I don't think I'm a lurker, I think I commented at least once before. Your writing is so amazing, I'm sure that you touch so many women with your life story. I'm glad you had that " moment of clarity" that sometimes comes to the more addicted of our friends. It was all you needed. Moving forward is so much better than standing still. I know from experience that your kitty will always be with you, he'll just be there in your mind, waiting for you to reach out for him.

Ditto to all that has been said. You rock. And inspire.

I've just finished an amazing book "The Princess Who Believed in Fairy Tales" by Marcia Grad - classified by my local library as fiction but also very sel-helpy - that you or your readers might like. It's a typical fairy tale but the prince turns out to be a nasty frog and the princess has to go on a personal growth journey much like CAP.

One day I'll have the courage to start mine.

De-lurking to shout YAY!
I'll be over here (Australia) living August one now at a time too. You're right. July sucked.

...wish my mum believed in the internets and could read about 'stuff' not being souls...

Laurie, I needed to hear that. I'm in my childhood home not much bigger than yours... moved in after a disaster move 3 years earlier... 4 years later I am finally working on moving IN. And I really really REALLY need to get rid of stuff and feel paralyzed. Miss Flora is my Purring Teddybear, and I know she is hoping to have more room. Thanks, I look forward to beginning progress in August! Half the house is good... but my room & the kitchen are the really hard parts. Aargh... and thanks again.

Laurie,

And with that decision -- now you begin to live.

It's simply a choice.

I learned this the hard way. Sounds like you did too.

I'm forwarding your post today to a whole lot of people who need to hear it. We will all be cheering you on.

What they said. Me too.

In mute astonishment and gratitude,
Nona

You might like Peter Walsh's book _It's All Too Much_. I just finished it, and it's all about living in the present, dealing with your relationships to things--lots of good advice and food for thought. I've got a fair bit of house keeping to do as well.

That was an amazing and inspiring post. Thank you.

Laurie, I discovered your blog about 2 1/2 years ago and have enjoyed it ever since! On 8/18/06 I filed for divorce after 34+ years. Your blog has been a wonderful source of light and inspiration for me. After reading your 8-1-07 entry I want to thank you for I have hit the same godawfullwalls and giving up stuff I acquired has been a true challenge (fight) for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for today's post because that is where I find my self in a 900 sq. ft. house after a 3000 sq. ft. one and an x that has eluded all forms of support, insurance, and etc. Your post today has given me such hope and perspective that I wanted and had to thank you!!! Thank you!

This post hits home in ways I can't even begin to tell you. Thank you, Laurie.
And somewhere out there, I think Luca Brasi (aka, the Universe) is nodding, smiling wisely.

(although the Universe looks a lot more like Charlton Heston, in my opinion)

Laurie, you are a philosopher.

Your eloquence fills me with joy, even the sad posts - when the sobbing dissipates I am left with the glow of our core humanity expressed so fully.

May the gods shine on your August, your life and your house of 'now'.

I feel like such a stalker. Sheesh.

I went in my back room and cleaned out a Rubbermaid container and am sending what is not garbage to my daughter. Lots of Xmas ornaments and nativity sets [that I have collected over the years].

Me and the SO don't decorate any more since there are no kids around and with 4 cats who find trees too much fun... well, need I say more?

I will tell my daughter she has you to thank, Laurie.

Tomorrow... more boxes! More stuff! Gone!

But I will be SURE to tell my daughter that in the end, IT'S JUST STUFF.

Let me live in your heart... and all will be well...
.

oh, i so get you. and, like everyone else here, i'm so with you. all we have is this moment. we should learn to live in it.

This post is a perfect example of why, as I recently confessed to Bad Hippie, I read your blog every day, have an embarrassingly teenage-ish case of CAP hero worship, and wish you lived next door.

I've got one last thing to get rid of after the judge says it final. I don't think that piano will stand up to my circular saw...I swear she left it just to piss me off.

Good for you all "mooving in" and stuff!

Good for you Laurie! You're going to be amazed at the joys you see right in front of you when you're not so occupied looking too far ahead! Enjoy today...there will always be a tomorrow.

If I believed in fate, destiny or similar I'd say you finally found your destined fate of being a writer Laurie. I've been following your blog for over a year and read it first every day (yes, before I can has cheezburger, thanks for that one!) just hoping for a new entry, but you really got me with the entry when Roy passed. I still well up when I think about it, even reading the entry today the tears come, I can imagine a day in your shoes trying to hold it together. So glad your mind works the way it does, even happier your book comes out soon so I can get an even bigger Laurie fix!

Was it the Beatles who said, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans"?

I gotta say that was an amazing post - truly inspirational. I have more stuff than common sense, but I have a 35x40 shop building to keep it in, so I've been able to procrastinate a loooong time. May God bless you in your life.

http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/rockwinr.html

Sylvia - kind of. It's a line from Beautiful Boy, by John Lennon, and is one of those trueism that resonates deeply with me. Although I don't tend to plan anything ... and then wonder why I seem to be nowhere in my life.

Laurie - as always, great post. I've never been married let alone divorced, and I only have the two cats, but apart from that, we could be living the same lives 6000 miles apart. I've been in my house for 12 years and still have unpacked boxes with "stuff" in. Really, if I haven't needed it by now, will I ever? Unlikely. Must be time to clear it out. August may well be the month for that.

BRAVO, Laurie. You are an amazing woman and you deserve to live in the moment, in a beautiful house that you love. Your post inspires me to get off my butt and start unpacking all those "eleventy-seven" boxes from our move last month! :) August will be our month of SETTLING IN! Let's go!

What a super wonderful post. I adore reading your blog, but I rarely comment since you get SO many every day. However, what you said in this post is such a good message - it really hits home with me as well. One can wait for the future forever, but it really is better to just go ahead and get living today. Thanks for the reminder.

IS THAT THE CRAZIEST THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OR WHAT.

Yes, yes it is. And look at how many other crazies in the world have found your blog. Imagine how many other crazies in the world would empathize with you if they knew you existed. I could make up a statistic, but instead I'll just say - it's a lot. This particular brand of crazy is something we have been growing for a long, long, long time.

"When you buy this product..."
"When you have a family with the 2.5 kids and a dog..."
"When you're a size 4..."
"When you retire..."
"When you own your own home...."

The list is too long and too varied to put in here, but every one of us has at least one thing that, in their minds, is holding them back from happiness. One thing they must overcome or possess or do, in order to feel successful. That thing might change every day or stay with them for their entire lives, but what we fail to realize is just what you said; life is happening now. Right now. Right as we're sitting here, reading.

It's terrifying. And it's so very easy to look at all the things we haven't done, all the time we've wasted avoiding the things or doing what we think needs to be done to make us happy (find a spouse, have a child, clean the bathroom, collect spoons) and thinking, "I'm close, but not quite there" instead of enjoying and living and being and doing. The concept of living every day to its fullest is just....it's....wow, I can't even imagine how many thing I think I need to change in order to "live." How many things I could be doing instead, or should be doing instead, or....it's overwhelming, which is part of what got me into this habit of avoidance in the first place.

It's huge. It's terrifying. And I imagine it's exhausting. BUT. It's also satisfying, rewarding, and above all, WORTH IT.

Thank you for reminding us. The life we think we should be living keeps getting in the way of us actually living.

Hooray! Thank you for the lesson in life. Sometimes we all need this kind of reminder to live life today.

This is probably the best post I've ever read anywhere and certainly the most relative as far as my life goes. I'm going to bookmark this post and refer to it often so that I remember to exercise my grateful muscles and my August IS going to be a great month whether it wants to be or not.

Thank you for being brave enough to put it all out there, to be honest and open about your life and your experiences. You help a lot of people by doing it.

Nothing like personal growth!
I'm living in a house that is definetly a transition house. My hubby retires in two years and then we will be moving to Washington State where our daughter is. But even though I know its only for a couple of years, I've done what I can to make it my home. And every apartment I've ever lived in I have made into my HOME. Its not about where you live but how you feel about living. And the place you live in, especially to us Cancers, must be a HOME. Good luck in making the place where you live your HOME.

I'm a little late to this party, but I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes with you:

"For a long time it has seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
-- Father Alfred D'Souza

This helped me get through my own divorce trials and tribulations, and it still helps me every day!

Happy August! Cheers!

You have no idea how much this entry spoke to me. Thank you.

>>Now I know they do not sell my brand of happy at a store. (But I do have some great shoes.)<<

I am printing this line out and hanging it on my fridge.

Coming back to add that apparently a lot of your entries speak to me -- I'm getting bangs cut tonight! lol!

I was born in the south, where ties to the past are revered and nothing related to family is deliberatly thrown away, although it may be wrapped in tissue paper and stored in the attic, and closet and under the bed. I have so much of this family stuff in my house now, that my house feels more like a museum than my home. I am past the half-century mark in my life, my children are grown, my husband is almost retired, and I want a house for myself and for him. Thank you for reminding me that stuff is not the person, or soul. I think I can get rid of some boxes now.

Laurie,
This particular post spoke to me today. I could copy and paste much of this post to relate to my life. Thank you. I wish you a wonderful August "moving in" to your home, and "moving on" with your life.

I cut out an excerpt of a letter published in an article from American Cowboy magazine back in 1996 - written from a father to his daughter, cowgirl Julie Hagen. I am not a hoarder, but I have kept this. Here it is paraphrased:

"Many people reach several plateaus during their lives, striking out in new, but probably related directions after having accomplished an objective. We gravitate in the directions we secretly most desire. Don't be disappointed if you can't move like an arrow to a target, especially a distant one. Do what is expedient here and now; it seems to work out. Look ahead as far as you can, but don't let it trouble you. One of the great joys of life is that it is never complete, never quite fulfilled, always something yet to do....You always take yourself with you wherever you go, and as we see it, [Laurie], you're in pretty good company."

Woohooo! Welcome aboard the "Life Train"! You're gonna love this ride :)

Its hard to describe how much this post moved me and made me think of my own life. I realize now how much waiting I have done over the years. Its time to stop waiting and start living or at least think about it a little. Either you are getting really good at this self-helpy stuff or I just am able to understand it better coming from you. Of all people in the world I DO NOT LIKE self-help I find it completly boring but when I read your words I am able to find myself in similar situations and I feel better about who I am or could be.

Thank you Laurie...

Terry

How odd that I would read this on the same day that my 21 year old son tells me that he is spending every penny he has to go to Capetown, South Africa to see his girlfriend that is studying there. When I asked why now- she'll be home in December, he said, "because I need experience it too". Thank you, to both of you, for reminding me that we need to live for here and now more often and to grab goodness out of every minute we are given. You have turned a light bulb on for many of your readers!

Laurie,
Thank you so much for sharing your stories and your wisdom. You have come such a long way and I have admired your courage and strength throughout. This post was really what I needed to read yesterday (and today, again), my life feels like it's in an extraordinarily unstable state right now, and working with what I've got and living in the moment are things that I need to learn how to do.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thanks for the smack up the side of my head. Been thinking about this, for the past few months.

U Go Girl!

I will keep it simple. Thank you.

This could not have come at a better time. The issue of waiting and having to trust/have faith is sure a stressful one, and I'm very glad you had such a happy ephiphany. I'm a college student about to not be a college student and my family friends/relations are constantly asking me "what next" but it feels like "what are you going to do with your life to be worthwhile?" and I don't know either. But I did realize, like you, that at least its mine and i get to go make it.

thank you Laurie! have a happy august.

don't appologize for the length, that was a worthwhile read. The best thing any female can do for herself is learn how to be alone and be OK with it, this does not mean you have to be alone but knowing that you can do it and the world won't come to an end (along with the concept that the world won't end if you state your opinion) are keys to happiness. I'm sure there are others
Now if I can just let go of all my stuff...... we all have something to work on

live for TODAY, baby!

(((((hugs)))))

frankie, bob, and soba will thank you for it.

Laurie,

This sounds a lot like my life. Thanks for giving me something to think about and some motivation to act.

How interesting that you are posting this now, and how right you are. I am working with a professional organizer to get my stuff sorted out and the organizer pointed out to me that I never really unpacked. And I have been living here for 2& 1/2 years. I just couldn't seem to get started, and if I did start going through stuff I would get distracted, hence the organizer. gotta do what you gottaa do, you know?

Please get out of my head it's kind of freaking me out! Actually it's nice to have the company in there. Maybe this weekend I will do something with those plastic containers that have taken over my entryway.....

Yes. Yes. Yes. The whole long process of post-divorce is like that - Seven years later, I realize about the only thing I have left from my previous marriage is the photo albums - and it took me a year to get fully moved in after I moved to LA.

I'm also glad - well, I don't know if "glad" is the right word - to read about Roy and how his death affected you. Make no mistake - he wasn't "just a cat" (how I want to SMACK people who say things like that!!!) and his death is a Very Big Deal indeed. Who knows? You might find you miss him more than you ever missed Mr. X. It certainly sounds like Roy had the better soul! It will hurt for a long time, and I think you will always miss him. Frank still talks about these two wonderful dogs that belonged to a former girlfriend of his - the dogs died years ago, but he still tells stories about them, and now I kind of feel like I know them, too.

Great post - very inspirational! You're doing just fine!

You're amazing.

I think that my mother has been lying all these years and you are actually my twin sister and we were seperated at birth! I have gone through these exact same feelings (I have the unpacked boxes from 10 years ago to prove it).
Ya gotta love the skin you're in!

Fabulous post!! Thank you for writing this and sharing it.

Maybe this August I will move into my house, too. I think I might be ready to start.

You just wrote my story. It's the here and now that matters, thanks for reminding me of that. Hey, I just flexed my gratitude muscle, YAY ME!

So scary, as so many others have said, like you're verbalizing the things in the back of my mind. I moved 2 weeks ago, but had moved 6 months earlier when my BF left me high & dry. Never unpacked in the 6-month apartment, although I expected when I moved in that I would be living there for a while. But as it turned out, I didn't live there - I basically camped there.

And today of all days for me to read this, one year ago today I had to say goodbye to my Savannah, who was as close as I will probably ever come to having a child.

Your observation that holding onto Roy's blanket was not going to bring him back made the little lightbulb go on over my head, and I think my 3 kitties and I will start really trying to dispose of some boxes (well, at least the stuff inside them - the cats seem to think the boxes themselves have value).

Hugs & peace from my 650 sq. feet ~

Yeah for you, Laurie! That's an incredible breakthrough/a-ha! moment. Powerful stuff. Thanks for sharing and keep moving forward, sister! ;)

Love this. Just love love love it. You are so on the right track. Bust it, girlfriend!

This might not mean much, coming from a stranger on the internet, but you are one of my heroes. When things get tough, which has been frequently these past few years, I think about you for inspiration and hope. You've been through so much and you've grown so much as a person. I really, really admire you, Laurie.

See? You are not alone. So many of us go through similar mind bends it isn't even funny(or maybe it is).

It really helps everyone when one of us is brave enough to share their innermost angst. Thank you and way to go.

Oh Jesus, girl! I'm so proud of you; you finally got to this point. ~smooch~ You are going to feel So. Dang. Good. when you have room in your house, when you've got rid of those momentoes, and when you can feel like you're moving forward again because all those "things" aren't holding you back.

Your mantra for today "You only regret what you DON'T do".

Laurie,

I have read your blog for a long time and enjoyed it immensly. At the risk of being totally sappy sound, this post moved me to tears. I am in that very place right now. Waiting, waiting, waiting; stuck and unsure how to move forward. You are not crazy and now I realize neither am I. We all need to make the best of where we are now, shed the things that drag us down and be ever grateful what we do have. I think if we can do these things, the rest might just fall into place on its own. Here's to our future! Thank you.

I read your blog every day. I look forward to seeing what words of wisdom and experience you will share with me. The post about waiting struck me deep in my heart. I've been doing the same thing, putting off my life until...whatever arrives. In the back of my mind I know it's a waste but I can't find the strength, the day, the courage to make the start. To find the first day I have the energy to do something different. This depression is just swallowing me up. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to make the change but I sort of like being able to peek in the windows of your life and see that someone is doing it. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

In honor of your ephiphany, I have just unsubscribed from a number of email sites that send me daily messages. Just realized that I would be a whole lot happier not seeing them--so there! Rock on.

daaaammmmnnnn!

Wow, that was some post, it took me forever to read but i could not stop. Quite an epiphany and congratulatios for coming out the other side in health and with such resolve. It makes me belive theres hope for me too!

Dana

Worded perfectly. You rock.

Laurie. Sweetheart. You're on your way to being that woman you have been meant to be -- who's happy living in her soul, in her body, in her life. The best thing you've done for yourself is to stay right where you are, and live into yourself. I do believe that's the only way a woman becomes herself (and naturally the hard way is the only way).

I grieve with you over Roy; I don't know why the little lives who share a home with us are the hardest to lose, but there it is. I do know that the next cat I adopt will be one of the older cats at the shelter, in Roy's memory.

LOVE your wordiness--no need to ever apologize! You speak so many things that we all feel inside. Thank you for sharing.

Ps--after seeing your photos of the stitch-n-pitch in your area, I went ahead and went to the stitch-n-pitch in mine. It was great! Thanks for the inspiration.

A very profound and touching post, Laurie. Your way with words and your honesty have once again touched my soul and opened my eyes.
I realize I have been hiding in this place I call my cave for 3 years since I left my abusive fiance. Just recently I had begun to look around and notice that the house is very dark, all drab colors, lots of black and it was a mirror to my soul. When that revelation first came to me, I immediately began decorating with a lighter tone and even made a pretty flowered tablecloth to brighten the table I never sit at...I, too, have just been waiting. You put words to all the feelings I have and I am really inspired to continue "brightening" up my life and living in each beautiful moment. I don't need an event, person, etc to make it bright, I can do it and enjoy it myself! With my sweet cat, of course and my yarn!!
Thank you!

Welcome Home. I love you, and your writing, and most of all how you have shared your self.
Thanks.

A few years ago for Lent instead of giving something up we were encouraged to take on a new habit... find three things each day to be sincerely thankful for. It is absolutely amazing to me how much this changes your outlook and instead of always dwelling on what isn't good enough, I find myself asking what was unique about today that I am grateful for. Some days it really isn't easy, but it is always good to try.

Also, I LOVE throwing stuff away and giving things to Goodwill. It makes me feel so good to purge that stuff. I do it at work, I do it at home, I did it for a friend who had cancer; it just feels good to get down to what is truly important and necessary and to give things to Goodwill so someone else can get use out of those things that clutter my life.

You rock. seriously rock. yay for you!

wow this was really incredible to read... i am so like you in so many ways... wish i could be at the point where you are... right now i feel right on the borderline between the woman who gets her life together and the woman sleeping on a corner of the bed. teetering.

thank you for posting this.

Poignant. Thank you for your honesty. It helps me be honest with myself, I think. Let's all get to living already, damn.

ummm... this has nothing to do with your blog entry for today, but here is a story of someone who has more poop than your neighbor.
http://www.local6.com/news/13804712/detail.html

I have been blogstalking you for a while now, but I have to admit that since Roy died it was soooo sad that I have been avoiding you (not entirely, I have been reading your archives - I am up to March last year!). I couldn't post a message of comfort because I was too busy crying for Roy - my blog cat!

I'm glad I read today. Today is good. Welcome to your house, your new life - you are ready for today. Now you can take a philosophy from your cats - home is where you snuggle and poop with the ones you love and who love you the most. Even if they are furry. Especially if they are furry.

Paula

PS I sniff yarn too

Laurie,

Thanks for this post - as I read it I thought you were talking about me. In fact, I think I didn't cross that line you mentioned. A couple of years ago I decided I needed a change and moved cross country, then things started to go wrong almost inmediately and I've been miserable since. I'm in a two bedroom apartment with half of it dedicated to boxes of stuff I cannot bring myself to go through and dispose of. Not long ago I came to the realization that I spent the first 20 years of my life wishing for a better life and the last 20 doing nothing to get it. I wish life had a rewind button, or like a DVD I could chose which episode to start from. I hope that what you wrote will motivate me to do something about my life soon, maybe I'll start living and stop complaining that "the forces of the universe" have it in for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, maybe this is the push I needed.

I don't have the right words for anything tonight, so I'll just say, damn, right on.  And thank you.

Good heavens Laurie, what an amazing entry. I really needed to read this. Thank you for sharing yourself with us like this.

I am Bratfink's niece, she passed this on to me. I thank you! I cried myself to sleep last night thinking "what now?". Instead of being divorced w/ 4 cats, I have 3 boys! 13, 11 and 2. They are the most awesome kids you could ever meet. (thank god i did SOMETHING right)
I got divorced in Dec of last year, but he moved out only a month and a half ago.
He now takes the boys a couple days every week. I do not sleep when they are at his house. He's a good dad and I know he'll take care of them, but it breaks my heart when my lil guy comes and sits on my lap and tells me not to leave him.
Thank you so much for this! After reading this I am inspired to change my life (cuz i'm the only one that can)
Thanks!

PS I too am in a tiny townhome I HATE!

Thanks! and welcome home.

This is a classic. How many folks say "Can hardly wait for the week-end!" All the sudden you realize that your life is pending five days out of every seven??? That is not living. Buying boxes that you don't know what you will put in?? How did you know that I just did that! Onward with the decluttering and it may even include those same boxes!

Whew! When you sit down to write...woman, you SURELY WRITE! When I read you long, well thought-out posts, I get the vibration in my head right behind my ears, and it says to me GREAT STUFF! The woman is a REAL WRITER! Needless to say, I WILL be buying your book.

Best wishes for the homeification of Encino Adj.

Meredith

you darn well go girl!!

& when you do, come back & tell all of us about it so we can learn from you!!

I am thinking of you with love & warm motivating thoughts

Oh, girl. . . I SO hear you. I've been in that space most of my life, promising myself that I'll really be living when I get thin enough, when I pay off debt, when I get my next bonus, etc., etc. I need to break out of that and make the most of NOW.

Thanks for an inspiring post, and hugs. . . you're awesome!

At the risk of repeating what someone else may have already contributed...I read/heard somewhere recently that all the little things you do all day are how you are living your life. Ok, it was phrased much more eloquently, but the point is that while we're waiting to get to the part where we live our lives, well, we're living our lives. As Mr. Churchill said "We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give." It is startling to wake up one day and be past 30 and think, Oh, this is it. This is my life. I guess that's when we start really finding out what's important, and it's a process that's long and usually seems to begin with some sort of tragic, life shattering event. Then years later we'll look back and say, Wow, I am SO glad my former life was shattered, because this one is so much better than I ever even thought of for myself before. At least I hope that's what we'll say in years to come!

Thanks for sharing yourself with us! It's good cyber-therapy, at least for me, anyway! :)

ummm... wow. I was all set to write an essay just like this. And yet, this is better than anything I could have written.

I too wanted desperately to move out of my current place, which was a refuge post failed marriage. I've been waiting. I've been feeling like it isn't home, just transition. I have way too much crap.

And yet, it was not in the Universe to have me move. So now, I'm moving into my house where I've been living for over a year. I finally cleaned & organized the kitchen yesterday (with help) and I have a car full of good will & trash. And the kitchen looks GREAT. And I have plans for the rest of the house.

I just spent £7.99 of perfectly good money (money that could have been spent on yarn!)for a book that told me in 300 pages what you just said in that one brilliant post

Two years ago, my sister-in-law's brother died after a short battle with cancer. Lou was my age (43) and it was a terrible shock. At the viewing and funeral, his wife displayed their Senior Prom photo and a poem she had written to him on their 20th anniversary, about how he was the love of her life and how happy she was with him. At that moment, I realized that my husband and I were never going to be happy together and that my 'waiting for things to change' in our marriage was ruining my life, killing me. I realized how much I wanted and needed someone to love me like that, and how I didn't have it. So, two months later, after 19 years of marriage, I moved out. It was the hardest, best thing I ever did for me and for my two boys. And we are still moving on with our lives, progressing, not stagnating anymore. Beautifully written - thank you so much.

Thank you.

I never realized until now.

Exercise the grateful muscles - how cool! I've been really annoyed with my whiny self, and tell myself constantly how I should be grateful, but right now I just can't seem to feel that way. I have a long-held belief that while you are in full control of your actions, you are not in full control of your feelings - you feel like you do, and you can try to change it, but it's not often possible. I feel like the way I feel is un-Christian, and that God doesn't want to hear my whining. Then I read this the other night:

I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
I pour out my complaint before him:
Before him I tell my trouble.

When my spirit grows faint within me,
It is you who know my way.
Ps. 142:1-3

And then I realize that God understands when we're down, and wants to share it with us. And I feel a little bit better.

Great post. So true...

Best wishes - I'll be checking in all month for more inspiration!!

This post made me cry. Your posts always do. There are few people who understand my thoughts and fears and fervent prayers as well as you, Laurie. It's a shame we aren't friends.

I've just moved - on my own, at last. I, too, am a 'I'll do it when.... beacuse then it will be perfect' preson. Why do I think difficult tasks will be easier when an arbitrary event has passed? I don't know. But I have been thinking this about moving. So now, I am making myself live up to that. The only way I can make this event the kind of 'after this, then bliss' event I keep dreaming of, is to work at it. I will clean every day, pay my bills on time, get crafty, put in the extra effort at work, be social, all that... and I will enjoy it, dammit!

Thanks for sharing your agonies with us. It's hard to look around and realise that you've just let your life happen to you, but it truly is harder to continue to let it.

Thanks for that post. I WAS that girl you were afraid of becoming... sleeping on a corner of the bed... alone with a future that would never seem to arrive and a past that just wouldn't leave. It's awesome that you were able to have that epiphany. Congrats on making a new world for yourself! HUGGZZZ

True Wisdom!!!

Well, 300 comments in, I doubt you'll see this but I wanted to say thank you. I've just spent an hour in my closet, purging. Anything associated with guilt, obligation, desperation, buyer's remorse or drudgery (things that I wore to death while at my last job, fer instance) are gone. It's a start.
I am now going to sit on-line and shop. I realize that it sounds counter-productive but the wardrobe, at least, will have had an overhaul.

Thank you Laurie! I needed that! I'm not alone through my divorce right now. I have my angel to inspire me but it is so hard to know everytime what is the right thing or not when it comes to gettin over the divorce. Big hugs!!! Thank you! I can't wait till your book comes out!!! I wish I had it now!

Congratulations on your *new* home--I only wish it was closer to mine. You are an inspiration. And you make me howl with laughter.

Laurie.

I'm a bit late posting this, but thought it was more appropriate after this incredible post by you.

I moved to South Carolina in 1990 from Virginia kicking and screaming because of a Mr. X's job transfer. Anyway, my new best friend became The State Newspaper (since I didn't know a soul and used a map to get around) and read it front to back everyday.

Every morning I was excited to read the columns by Erma Bomback and Lewis Grizzard. They did'nt have them in the Va. Pilot/Ledgar Star. Boy was I missin out.

The State alternated the words of wisdom and gut wrenching belly laughs between those two Monday through Friday. Plus, afterwards, I got to watch the antics of Regis and Kathy Lee (boy how I coveted her red hair!!) while my CC kitty slept on my lap. Those were the days. My kids were young and in school and for a short while I was able to enjoy!!

I really grieved when they both passed. Especially Lewis. He was so young.

Just think!!! What a bright and shiny world this would be if the masses (meaning those souls who don't love or know kitties, yarn, great shoes and astrology!!) could start their day with a cup of coffee and a little Crazy Aunt Purl!!! You could so fill that void!!

I'm just thinkin out loud.

God luv ya Laurie and God bless you.

I think I needed to read this. To hear it. Next week it will be 3 years since my husband died. It is time - to clean out the closet, to redecorate the bedroom. To claim this space as "mine" instead of "ours".

Growth change can be just as painful as decay change. It's good to know that others are on the same journey.

Just found your blog through New York Minknit - and just wanted to say that you made me smile today - you made me realise that we are all unique and special and I have to remember to live my life the way I want to and not how I think other people want me to - I think you're fab! - I shall continue reading...

From Paula above: "Now you can take a philosophy from your cats - home is where you snuggle and poop with the ones you love and who love you the most." That was cute, funny and true all at the same time!

My life, also, as with so many of us it seems judging from your comments, has been on hold. Waiting for something better around the corner. That I'll be happy when this or that happens. And all the while missing out on the joy of life in the here and now. What a waste! Just, what a wasted life!

I, too, will exercise my grateful muscle. And I know that we should experience life to the fullest right now, it's just that my "what if's" and "just wait till's" get in the way.

Well, I was going to say more but you really said it best! Thank you so much for this post! And for putting yourself out there and opening up to us. Sometimes a person can express things that another can't but still feels deep inside. And then reading the words, your words, can bring it out and shine a light on it.