first?

Okay, I can no longer crush on you; you are obviously a serial killer. That DMV *knows* what they are doing.......

(What color scarf goes well with orange skin? Do you want to complement it or go with contrasting? We need to know!!)

Wowza! That is bad!

You look like that serial killer! The woman who killed all those men. Can't remember her name. What a horrid photo. So very sorry you have to suffer that one.

(hehe--mrs beasley)

(how did the baby's surgery go?)

OMG...I'm laughing out loud at that pix. I've often wondered what it looked like, as you have referenced it often. The pix does not disappoint - you get the prize! The eyes do seem to tell of strange and mysterious powers; perhaps the Soba got you in a mind meld that morning?

hmm..what are the Texas foods that must be eaten?

oh, sorry. hmm...didn't mean laughing 'at' the picture of you. I gasped and jumped. I did not 'laugh at'.

Well, it looks a lot better than the CA license I had for years with MY EYES CLOSED! Those were the days when we wrote checks and had to show I.D., and I got *so tired* of people asking me if I drove like that, too. Hardy-har-har. About the southern sayings, I'm originally from New Jersey, and my father had the most colorful (often vulgar) sayings I've ever heard. I've been saying for years that I should write them down when I remember them. I need to do that. (Dad has been gone since 1988.) P.S. I lied about my weight on my license, too. It's a girl thing.

Cecelia, it was so funny I immediately called Drew because I was laughing so hard I was crying. It's hee-freaking-larious!

I for one believe that is the best look to have on your driver's license. I mean, when the cops pull me over for anything, that is the look I would have on my face. I have always sworn that for my next license renewal pic, I would be sobbing uncontrollably. That way when I am pulled there would be no doubt that's me in the photo!

You look like you are drawing back from the worst smell ever.

Or maybe you are drawing back to kill someone in a serial-like manner.

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry about that picture. Of course, my picture is just fine, except for the CA holograph that slices DIRECTLY across my face in such a manner as to make it look like I either have a glass eye or a lazy eye or that I might just be mentally incapable of operating heavy machinery such as a car...

*hugs* so sorry about the pic!

nice deer in the headlights look. I can beat you though...I look like a chimp, a smiling chimp AND it is an 8 year DL. I have that baby until 2011.

ROTFL... I'm sorry! I'm actually laughing my butt out at work - everyone's looking at me, of course, but I can't help it. Really, so sorry!

You're great, laurie!!!!!!

That picture looks like someone just told you that your date just got out of jail for being a serial killer.

Wow. That's all. Wow.

Laurie, ignore the following. 'Kay?

(Tina B., that's hilarious. Between your statement and Laurie's picture I will be laughing the rest of the day. thanks.)

ROTFLMAO!!!!! No, it's not just you. You look like someone just slapped you, or you just saw Dick Cheney naked.

Now I'm laughing again....

Your hair looks lovely.

Your eyes scare the bejeezus outta me...

Oh my God, I think I almost just died laughing! First from your story about you and Jennifer and then from the picture!

It's not so much that the picture is bad, as that you look like maybe you are about to go on a bit of a shooting spree...

Oh, and YAY Wennifer. When does she learn to knit? B/c you *know* it's only a matter of time...

Well, you could say it's a photo of your evil twin who looks nothing at all like you. Seriously, that photo looks nothing like the candid shots of you sprinkled throughout your blog. It looks a bit like a rabid Sally Struthers about to mug someone for their sugary hi-carb snack. My old driver's license was on the same abysmal level as yours only I had all my hair scraped back into a clip and looked like I just took a huge toke off a big-ass joint and while holding my breath and squinting my eyes said "take the picture dude". Yeah. I really tried hard to not show that one around. Now I have a lovely photo (truly, I practiced for days in front of my mirror before my renewal month) with creative weight numbers as well.

Laurie.. you look so.. stunned! Kinda startled like.. I think its the eyes. This is a reason (one of many.. most of which I make up on the spot thankyouverymuch!) for not having a driver's license ;)

Sadly, mine is worse. And the DMV guy that took the picture, laughed when he saw it. I should have jumped up and slapped him.

oh! those eyes!

priceless.

sadly, my corporate id makes me look like ted bundy. not a good look on a woman.

I totally understand you on the bad ID photo predicament. My driver's licence is so horrifying! I had been having a horrible day, having been yelled at by my father three times, and when I got to the place where they take your picture, there was a little sign with smiley-faces all over it saying, of course "SMILE!" And I all I could think of was, "eff-you, smiley faces!"

So I look pretty angry in the shot. It's also very funny, after you get over it.

In my driver's license photo, my eyes are going in two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT directions. Now, we've met in person. You know that my eyes point in the same direction. Not in my driver's license photo.

In my defense, the guy who was taking the photo had either been in a bad fire or some kind of chemical accident and his entire head was covered in some serious scar tissue. I so badly didn't want to be rude and stare at him that I apparently overcame the limits of my own anatomy and looked in two places that weren't at him, just to drive home the point that I wasn't staring. He didn't let me know when he was taking the picture and I was caught like that forever.

OMG I've got to walk out of the office before I just bust into laughter out of nowhere! LMAO silently

why won't she stop looking at me!!!

here eyes are following me around the room!!!

aaaaaaaaa!

Why, oh WHY do all California DMV photos have that lovely orange hue now?

Oh my. Bless your little heart. Speaking of which, my husband's grandmother used to make wine and said it would "make a chipmunk slap a bear." I never got to taste it, darn it.

I also like, as a reply when someone asks how you're feeling when you're hungover or something, "I feel like I've been et by a wolf and s**t over a cliff."

Step away from the tanning bed!

I think I see your brain up your nostrils.

I wonder if I still have my license where I swear my brother posed for my picture. It was not a fake ID but I was constantly not let into bars because they didn't believe it was me.

I know one (but only one) person who has an ID photo worse than yours, but he won't let me scan it, damn him.

It kind of makes you wonder what the photographer was thinking when you posed like that, you know?

Oh, Laurie, the hair is indeed glossy and lovely. The eyes, on the other hand -- well, they are open?

You may want to rethink the "Wennifer," or at least the "Wen" nickname part. A "wen" is a sebaceous gland cyst ( http://www.thefreedictionary.com/wen ). It's associated in literature with witches and, er, old ladies with long-haired moles on their faces.

Well, I've seen better pictures, but it does make your eyes look really big.

I always try to focus on the bright side. I guess that means that if I ever check your Identification (not likely since I'm not in that line of work), I would look deeply into your eyes.

I agree with whoever said you look like you just saw Dick Cheney naked. But I also think you look kind of like someone just pulled a knife on you and you are preparing yourself to steal the knife away and stab the bad person.

hee heeee - you said "Wen"....

I totally love your photo. I love your eyes, they have that "Ya'll better just leave me the hell alone" thing going on. I love how far up your nose I can actually see. Thank you for tweezing. I love your hair, not too flat, not too fluffy. And the orange, oh the orange. My hubby's from FL, and you really just look like a Buccaneer fan from the old days. Anyone remember Buccaneer Bruce? Looks like you just painted your face for a big game. And your neck.

Now that I look at the picture again, maybe you're actually a Florida Gators fan, they're blue and orange. Between the background and you, it's a match!

Seriously, thanks, I needed a birthday laugh. Later, if you want one, take a look at my post of how old my little boy thinks I am.

glad you found a new friend, but OMG, that pic IS pretty bad. It's almost cause for losing the license somewhere and getting a new one!

I love your stories. This one made me laugh out loud at work. Also drawing stares from other offices.

looks like you had a tarantula dangled in your face immediately pre-click. dang. you can always renew in a few years... and my momma always says "slap yo granny!" Have you ever heard of "maypops"? never heard of them until this summer. My mother is taking on southernisms with a vengeance. help me...

I want you to know that when my son saw me looking at that picture he asked "Is that you?" So, take comfort: apparently I look as bad as that photo IN REAL LIFE.

I really don't like to laugh at others misfortune, but I have to say, that is the funniest license picture EVER!! I have coffee all over my keyboard from the snorts......
Thank you for being brave enough to share as the opinion of the folks at my local DMV is now MUCH higher than it was before.

What big eyes you have!

Also? The magic that is the DMV camera managed to make you look about eleventy-thousand years old. Amazing! Hilarious! And also spectacular!

My college sociology professor would have loved that picture! He began the first lecture of the semester by putting up an overhead transparency(does that make me sound old?) of his drivers's license. His hair was a mess, his shirt misbuttoned and it looked as if he had managed to have his eyes focusing in two different directions. His philosophy was that if you needed to be identified by your picture you wouldn't be looking so good anyway. The best part was that apparently no one at the DMV blinked an eye when he walked in looking like that.

FYI, here in Iowa they have eliminated the weight from the license, which took away my goal of someday matching the weight on my drivers license.

HA! I was more stressed then I realized. I just had a really good uncontrolled, not-even-stopping-to-breath laugh at my desk and I'm feeling serene again. Thanks for being strong enough to share this. I actually don't mind it when my ID photos look bad. Then the ID checker can complement me on how I actually look or I can at least read surprise or something like it on their faces when they check from ID to me and back again.

Well! I must say that you look VERY PO'd at the DMV photog. It doesn't even look like you at all!!

Drew, you funny guy!

Crazy Aunt Oompa Loompa?
I was reading this post and saying, "Oh, that Laurie. Always making out like it's worse than it is." And then I saw the photo. And now I can't stop laughing. I'm so sorry. It's only funny because I know how adorable you are up close and personal.
And I thought my "Hello. I've just been arrested for a DUI" photo was bad.

Did they goose you with something really unpleasant and simultaneously take that picture? Gee, the DMV is even most diabolical than I thought!

Holy hell - I was drinking water when I saw that! It would've been easy enough to just spit it back in the cup except I wasn't drinking out of a cup so I had two choices: attempt to swallow without choking or spit water everywhere.
Needless to say I managed to swallow the water, but I choked and sputtered and now I have that icky feeling like I got water up my nose (which I guess I did before I swallowed it - OMG!) and theres some water on the keyboard.
That sure is one - photo though!

I always think that I scrunch up my eyes (that's from being nearsighted since third grade)so I open my eyes REAL WIDE for the camera. The last time I had to get a new license was immediately after I had discovered my wallet was missing. So not only do we have "must make eyes look larger than they really are", you have "woman who has just discovered wallet and ALL credit cards are missing" stress. The DMV lady took it 3 times then told me to come around to look at her computer screen (really) and see what she was seeing. Took deep breath and tried not to look like a deer in the head lights. Only pulled if off slightly. Thanks for the laugh!

"thruthfulness??" I like that word. heehee

ROFL - you SCARE ME!!!!

my mom was licking her lips to get that kissable shine for her photo - this was in the days before the digital photos that you could preview immediately - so when her license arrived ten days later ... yup, permanent tongue-out-giving-raspberries! I'd love to just show that to the cop that pulls me over for speeding.... thpthpthpthpthpthpt
(Read: raspberry noise e-transfer)

Did the person taking the picture tell you not to blink? Boy, they sure did get a deer in the headlights look out of you. And, I think the DMV in several states is investing in orange photography. My daughter's permit (WA state) is eerily the same color. She is also a blue eyed blonde.

Oh my. I have to agree, that's not the most attractive DMV photo I've ever seen.

My license photo isn't horrible. It isn't great either. My photo on my debit card on the other hand....it's bad. You know the sticker that's on a credit or debit card when you get it with the phone number to call to activate it? I left that on my card so as to cover up the picture that makes me look like a homeless crack whore who just got arrested and is good and pissed off about it. Each time a cashier, server, etc. commented on it, I begged them to leave it alone and they did. Then I went to a Mexican restaurant one day and when the server returned my card to the table he had taken it off. I cried.

Uhmm... You have pretty eyes.

That picture is truly frightening. And funny. All at once!

uh ... well ... your eyebrows look nicely groomed. yes! lovely eyebrows!

Oh honey. I lied about so much on my driver's license that the only way there could have been any MORE lies on it was if I said I was a guy.

oh dear! i always think of renee zellwegger when i think of you - let me go there now.....
i'm now REALLY scared about my renewal picture cuz you are WAY prettier in all your other pictures!

Oh honey. I lied about so much on my driver's license that the only way there could have been any MORE lies on it was if I said I was a guy.

North Carolina license has NO weight or height. YAY! I don't have to lie. hee.

I won't comment on your mug..errr..license photo. :)

It's not that bad. You do look rather intense, however. Thank you Bevvy. I was trying to think of how to describe my Costco/AmEx card photo. Homeless crack whore is it exactly. Luckily no one ever looks at it.

No worries--I am even more orange in my CA driver's license picture. I like to think of it as "tan." You know, a healthy-glow-from-the-sun-type tan. That just happens to be orange.

Actually, you look a little bit corporate in this picture. And demented.

Funny you should pick today to share this. I was standing in line today on campus with my DL in my hand and noticed that I am due to renew my license next month, UG!

I'm thinking of trying a new tactic, instead of trying to look normal, I am going to go for all out escaped-from-the-nuthouse-and-been-living-under-a-bridge-for-six-months-CRAZY... oh and I'm still going to lie about my weight, but I think I will add 50 pounds instead of subtracting it.

Love ya! (another Jennifer.... yeah, yeah, I know... we were cloned I tell ya!)

Do you ever watch any of those shows with demons (like "Charmed"?) and they all have those black, fathomless eyes? THAT's what you look like -- possessed, or obsessed about your orange skin.

Another good reason not to get my driver's licence!

Okay, now we have just got to hear the story behind Beasley. Seriously, you can't leave us hanging like that.

Dude, that looks nothing like you. Which, as far as I can tell, is the point of government photos, as well as secondary education photos. And also, all pictures taken by my mom.

OMG. Ummmm yeah it is not at all flattering. I swear that they do it on purpose.

Well, I must say, that is a bit--startling. And it looks nothing like you.

I am so glad to encounter someone who uses "girl-crush" in a non-sexual way. No one else ever knows what I am talking about.

Looks like yer fixin' to open a can o' whoop-a**!

WOW! That's sooo far off. How do you get in places or buy alcohol!?! She doesn't even look like a relative.

You look nice, if a little surprised. CA DMV is not exactly Richard Avedon territory, you know! Incidentally, I had a college ID where the guy just said "look up" and I ended up looking like a serial killer. It was very hot, and I had "special day" cramps. This combination just screams "lousy photo." I conveniently "lost" it years ago.

Yay for a Texas visit! When my sister comes back to Austin from New York we are required to stop for cheese enchiladas ON THE WAY to my house from the airport. You have to plan ahead, between the chicken-fried steak and the BBQ and the enchiladas and the margaritas, if you want to fit it all in.

As for the ID, I feel your pain. I just got my new student ID back and I look like a South Park cartoon. Upsetting.

I'm going to Texas in Oct too. Where will you be, I'll be near Austin. Good yarn shops there.
Aunt Gerry

That's so funny! I usually have the big eyes thing, otherwise I tend to look sleepy or high. However, I usually don't pair it with the flared nostrils. Interesting choice.... You should lay off the QT lotion though.

"Crazy Aunt Oompa Loompa"

Oh my GOURD, I am one chuckle away from mass hysteria.

Still not as bad as my mom's passport photo!

Was someone waving a snake at you? 'Cause that's what it looks like! It takes a BRAVE woman to post her DL photo for the world to see. Next time you have to do something that makes you anxious, remember that you were able to do THIS and it will seem like a piece of cake!
(If it makes you feel any better, I am also a strange shade of orange in my new photo. And I had to give up one in which I was 15 years younger to get it!)

Being a proper Southern gal myself, I would never say that was a horrid picture. I would just say that you are "precious" (bless your heart)!

For the Texas food list: Chicken friend steak, fried okra, sweet tea, BBQ, Shiner beer, & Bluebell ice cream.

I'm Amy by the way, the other half of Yarntopia in Katy, TX. Sheryl and I can't wait to meet you in person!

they got that nice low angle nostril accentuating view too. you seriously pissed off the photo person somehow :)

I know I'm being way too nosy, but where are you headed to in Texas? I live in Texas! And I find it hilarious that you used that particular Southernism as your title, because last night my mom proudly showed me her baked chicken in the oven and said, "It's gonna be so good, you're gonna hafta slap me." LOL.

I'm on the ground laughing and snorting. I'm at work right now, It's gonna be a bitch explaining this to my boss.

When I read this, I had just finished eating lunch and had to RUN out of the office to find a deserted restroom in order to laugh. I think caesar salad came out of my nose. Am still weeping slightly.

Eileen Wournos...ack....scary... LOL!

Laurie --
Oh, you don't have the worst driver's license picture, not by a long shot! Mine is MUCH worse than yours. How bad? My husband started making Frankenstein monster-growling sounds when he saw it.......and so does everyone else, after they pick themselves up off the ground after laughing so hard. However, it does keep one humble...

I'm really sorry for laughing outloud!

Any BBQ while in Texas? I'm a huge fan of Saltlick, it's in Driftwood, Texas. Wherever that is. (They come to NYC for the Big Apple BBQ)

OMG...that look you have on your photo...that could kill!

stephanie's comment is making me laugh right out loud. OMG - "overcame the limits of my own anatomy" woo!

That plus this post have made this late afternoon ever so much more fun.

Wow, that's a hell of a drivers' license pic! If you hate it that much cut it up and PRETEND that you lost it.

You do look a little...tense.

My last license photo was taken while I was going through chemo, so I was bald. When clerks look at it their eyebrows practically shoot into their hairlines. I just tell them I was having a bad hair day.

I like that Wen is honest. How she doesn't even try to pretend that the picture is good.

If I had the courage to post my picture, you'd really feel good about yours.

Trust me.

Actually, it looks like someone just jumped up and slapped you! I think you can pay to get a new one. That may just be a rumor. Or you can treat it as if you have lost your ID and get a new one. But that could be a pain in the boote.

Oh well, at least it's a good conversation piece. :)

Oh you poor thing. My friend's son would call that look "Angry Mommy".

Was there an scary clown with a shotgun or a monkey hurling spiders behind the DMV person??

Oddly enough, my stats on my license are honest. I listed my weight at what it actually was that day. Of course, I've lost 35 lb since then (actually I lost 200+35 through the magic of divorce). But my boyfriend lies about his height on his. Sorry, but NO WAY is he 5'8". I'm 5'8" and at least 2" taller than he is.

Your drivers license photo is admittedly not good, but it's still loads better than my passport photo, which is so bad that I'm afraid to actually use it, for fear that I'll end up on some sort of terrorist watch list.

You are coming to Texas!?!

Strangely enough my husbands is the exact same orange. Must be DMV orange or something. Oh well at least you weren't crying in yours Yes the driver tester guy made me cry. Sad but true. Hey I passed right?

I actually laughed out loud at that photo.

You have my sympathies. ...and empathy! I have only had one good driver's license photo, and that was when I was 16. I always smile in the photos now, ever since the one where I didn't, and someone asked me if I had a birth defect. :(

Ah hun, everyone's comments on your pictures are making me laugh so hard I'm cryin'. All I wanted to do was share with you one of my favorite quotes. It is:

"Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!".

Of course, after seeing your DL photo, now all I picture when I say it is an orange-colored biscuit-butt. Ah well.

Oh, I have always wondered what it looked like. You weren't exagerrating. But, from all the other photos of you that you have posted we all know you are very pretty in real life. That DL picture is total "Night Gallery".

Oh, I forgot to mention, the hologram on my DL makes it look like one of my teeth are greenish black. And its very noticable (I have gotten looks from ID checkers).

well . . .
you do look like a pissed off Zombie woman

I R serious pumpkin. This R serious DMV.

It's really not fair that you are such a funny writer! I always make sure I'm not drinking a dang all thing when I look at your posts!

That's ok. For the longest time I had a mere half an eyebrow over one of my eyes on my license photo. I'm so freakin' glad I finally got a cute photo. But it took freakin' 8 years to be able to get it!

Next time. Think of your face like an emoticon. In this, you were :| (or if you want to include the nostrils, :8| ) Next time go for ;) or :D or even the fun :P

I had an awful DL picture so I cut up my license and told the DMV I lost it. They so kindly charged me $12.00 and send me an exact copy of the one I destroyed. They are on to us!

I used to have a cat named Jennifer. When my daughter was little and said "Jennifer" too fast it would come out as "Fennifer", thus we all started calling her "Fennifer", which was usually shortened to "Fenny Fen". I think Fenny Fen would be a lovely nick name for your new friend. :)

Umm, they want you to use that photo for ID?!?!?! It doesn't even look like you, fer heaven's sake, completely aside from its general horribleness.

Is there any way you could number the comments so that when I take a laugh break and the mouse skids off the pad and scrolls the comments into neverland and I have to run for a paper towel to mop up the spilled Diet Coke and dust the snorted cigarette ash that has been blown from the ashtray to the keyboard I can resume where I left off? Thanks in advance for any assistance in this matter.

Yay! come out and visit us at the Renaissance Festival when you come to Texas!

and, no, i don't think there's ever been a scarier licence photo. The only thing that could have been worse is if your name was Harry Wiener.

Yes, it truly is the worst one I've seen. And you look NOTHING like that! It must be a hassle to have to pull that face every time someone checks your ID.

Maybe I'll post my work ID picture which looks like I have a glass eye and that my hair is falling out of my head. It is beyond a bad look. Even smiling did not help it. I describe it as looking like one of those crack addict/ID thieves' mug shots. And people pretty much agree with me no matter how nice they want to try to be.

I very nearly died from laughing at this post and all the hysterical comments. You need a "danger to your health" warning on this one.

My last DL photo was taken after unloading a U-Haul on a windy day. Ugh. At least your hair is where it's supposed to be.

But think about it... in the land of $3000 hammers, this camera was purchased under government contract from the lowest bidder... it was probably made in China in the same factory where they made all that poison pet food and lead-painted toys. So it's not you... just a cheap-ass camera with a fun-house-mirror-like lens.

Oh, Laurie. It's hard to believe that's you, when every picture we see of you is happy-happy, radiant smiles. Looking at that photo makes me feel like I'm in trouble for something.

that is seriously funny. you should digitally enhance it so that smoke is curling out of your nostrils.

You look like you have a gun in your back........like you're being held up or something.

My driver's license picture is the only picture I've ever had taken that I look half way decent. And getting it renewed every four years, I'm actually that weight. It's like, I can diet and lose 30 lbs and keep it off for 3 years but when it comes time to renew my license, I gain it all back. My sister says it's all in my head (and butt, thighs and chinny-chin-chin)

My favorite line from my hoopie ex-FIL....if someone had a mean look on their face, he would say they "looked like they were weened on a pickle"

Um. Beasley? C'mon... there's got to be a story behind that one!

Sheesh, that picture is too much and it doesn't even look like you. (guess that's a good thing in this case!)

i'm sure forty-eleventy people have said this already, but this doesn't even look like you. every time you post a pic of you (or, more often, a partial you) on your blog, i think "What a pretty girl. Look at that skin. LOOK at that skin." and i know it's entirely not Progressive to think 'girl,' but, really, if i say 'pretty lady' pretty woman' i sound like a stalker or someone unfamiliar with the english language.

but i digress.

at least you're gorgeous in real life.

Your photo reminds me of my college ID. I look like I'm wearing a yellow t-shirt with overalls when I am in fact wearing a green tank top in the photo. I'm not sure how they got me to look quite so jaundiced, but I did have fun asking drunk people what I was wearing in the photo - they *always* got it wrong.

Alas, t's been a looong time since college and I'm not sure were that id went. Hopefully back to the circle of hell it came from.

I think my driver's license pic is worse. I hate to show it to anyone.
I JUST FOUND your blog and I love it! I've been reading knitting blogs for quite some time and I can't believe I missed yours somehow. I feel jipped about all the times I could have read it. Thank goodness for archives!

Actually, you look like you are going to be shot!

Ah Hell Laurie! I had to call my husband in after almost dying right here on the spot after reading this post! My Lord...... the picture...... you poor thing!

The weight on my license hasn't changed since 1988 when I weighed 135lbs...... just a mere 60 pounds less than I truly do now. Everytime I have to renew ...... they always ask if there's anything that's needs changing and I always say, no. I've only been given one funny look all these years.

The last one I had taken I had to take my 6 month old daughter with me..... nobody was there to hold her......... so I had to hold her in front of me down low..... so my neck thingies are all strained and horrible looking.... you know those things that stick out that are long and look like strings or something? What are those things anyway?

I swear I saw THAT. EXACT. SAME. PHOTO. at fbi.gov!

Only there was a banner across it that said something like WANTED.

But I think it was in the top 10, and that's a GOOD thing, right?

Right?
.

I love your photo! It makes me feel so much better about MINE! Really, you look like you might flare your nostrils at any moment, pause, then say something really wild! I don't know how we get such photos at the DMV. Here's a new business idea: someone should contract to do all the photos for the DMV, yes, a real photo studio right there with a blue (or yellow) line for you to stand on when posing, look at a nice photographer (male or female, just nice and friendly and understanding that snapping three or four to choose from is NORMAL for this dire and important process), and the quality would be so good, and the experience so positive that everyone would have 5x7's and 8x10's and wallet size prints made too, and the photo studio would make a fortune and everyone would remember to renew their license because it would be FUN and the photos would be GREAT! Don't you think?!!

Wow, if your hair was green you could pass for an Oompa Loompa. OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO.

Another little ditty Texans are fond of saying would be… Bless her heart as in “Well not all folks can take a great photo… but bless her heart.

Great post.

OK, here I am commenting before I read all the others on account of this is information you should have. I have it on good authority - well, maybe not but go with me here - that there are secret private Universities of Hideous Photograph-Takers, who study really hard for four years and learn how to manipulate their subjects, backgrounds and of course the special cameras they use to take DL pictures. I think they puff you in the face with something so you make a weird face, and then those cameras! Well! They have filters to make you or your eyes or your teeth look bad colors; they have attachments guaranteed to make your hair look awful, and they have a gizmo which adds 20 years to your actual age. Then there's a special little button that allows them to select from stuff like "Crazy", "Demented", "Sociopathic", "Anesthetized.... So of course you AREN'T any of those things (and we DO all know how cute you are for really) but you had a photographer that graduated Magna Cum Betterthaneveryone Else.

Furthermore: I think they try to get a picture that will look like YOU will look if pulled over by the cops at 2:00 a.m. after weaving down the road (to avoid little animals, but they never believe that). So there.

Wow . . . talk about the crazy eyes. Kind of like Lily Munster. Or Morticia Adams. But I mean that in a good way. Really.

:-)

That's really not a bad picture at all Laurie. You should see mine. I look "dizzier than a caged coon!" as they'd say in Virginia.

You win the contest for the world's worst drivers license picture ever! I know you look nothing like that from the pictures on your blog. However, I don't think you look like a serial killer just scared sh*tless!

'kay. I had the laughing under control - really. until I read "looks like you saw Dick Cheney naked." Liz - that killed me. I can't stop laughing!

FWIW, my passport photo rivals your DL, Laurie. I decided PP photo peeps must be trained to make you look like you really would in 10 years (when the thing expires), jet-lagged, and like you've been on a plane for 15 hours. It ain't pretty. I don't know how they DO that!

I never actually lied on my drivers license but it lists my weight as 110. That was my weight at 16 when I got my first license. Now that I'm a little older (O.K., I'm 57) I weigh a little more but, even though I've changed my weight every time I renew my license, it keeps coming back with 110 on it. Not my fault! And if I ever get stopped, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Between the pic, the story (still snerking at the 154 truthfulness), just knowing you were gonna HAVE to show us the picture, and the comments..oh the comments...you have ended my day on a high note.

Thank you dear sweet baby Jesus for Purl.

Another Southernism I just learned was when the food is good, someone says to the cook, "You put your foot all up in that!"

Yup. That is one bad picture and the first thing I thought was "serial killer". LOL and then there it was in writing! Its the crazy eyes that gives it away and plus you look like you are hanging on by one...very..thin..strand.. :oD Good thing we all know how gorgeous you really are.
My last license photo looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot, only me. Sad sad sad. Except that if pulled over and WAS DUI, I'd look JUST like my license and might get off.

Maybe it is a California thing - automatic fake tan application on every licencee who doesn't already have one?

This photo makes you look 10-15 years older than every single other photo you have ever shown on your blog. Including the unflattering ones!

Good lord, I can hardly breathe for laughing so hard. I honestly thought "How bad can it be? She's just being melodramatic." But nope... sure enough, it's crazy eyed, huge nostriled and doesn't look like anyone who could even be related to you. Weird!

My husband always gets stuck with terrible ID photos. He's an actor who often plays scruffy, unpleasant people (it's always hilarious to have to point him out in movies or TV with the caveat that he doesn't REALLY look like that). His most recent DL pic has him with a horrific mustache and his old passport made him look like such a drug dealer that we NEVER ONCE made it through customs without having all of our stuff searched. Ah, the joys of being an actor's wife...

OMG, I nearly spit red wine onto my keyboard when I saw that picture. I have to go and renew my driver's license tomorrow morning, no lie. I am very happy to be getting rid of my current photo, which could be in a contest with yours as Worst Photo Ever, but having met you in person, and able therefore to vouch that you look nothing like that photo, I think yours might narrowly beat mine out.

oh my. you look nothing like that, mrs. beasley.

Are you trying to mesmerize the officer with your big (blue) dark eyes? It is not exactly representative of you...
My (australian) driver's licence has one of the best photos ever of me. I look pretty! If CO makes me give it up, I'll cry.

Ah LA County...Apparently we had our picture taken by the same criminally insane person. The man told me to take off my glasses and as I was taking them off my face he snapped the picture and yelled "Next!". My picture is so bad I cried when my license came and thought for a moment about claiming it had been lost so I could go back and get a new one but I didn't want to spend another entire day with my then 2 year old daughter at the lovely DMV offices in Glendale.

Oh, Laurie, that photo looks nothing like your lovely self! My husband had an awful DL photo once where he looked like a demented, mentally and morally deficient, unsuccessful criminal. Interestingly, it was also orange-y. Coincidence? I think not.

Oh no.

Oh, no no no no no.

That is a mugshot, babe. You look like Nick Nolte's mugshot soulmate, waiting to meet him in the fingerprinting room and have him whisk you away to the creepy creepy castle on the hill you two have been spending the last year renovating into a spray-tanning parlor. It is time to "misplace" the license and retake the photo... or at the very least, stop doing anything that requires the use of a photo id.

Holy s***! Did you get the name of that picture taker? That is so bad it is hilarious! I thought my bushwacker look was bad, but that is, wow.

How did you steal Michael Jacksons nose for that photo?

Dear Lord! That is so not YOU!!! We've seen YOU. We know. You are adorable and happy. and thank gawd you gave that poor man his nose back.

Love and Laughter,
Amy

That is quite a horrid photo! I thought you knew that all drivers license employees who take your photo have been pre-screened! They are the ones who go out each and every night after work and cavort too much and generally act in an atrocious manner. Then after they got all drunked up they come into work and take your picture. If you have a better job than they do or are prettier you can bet you will look like a Prison Matron. There is actually a special class in that. The pre-requisite is to come in really and thoroughly drunk or very hung over and learn how to take the worst photo in the known world. I know because I carry one in my wallet. Good thing everyone knows how puredee purty I am in real life!

Lawd Jaysus, Laurie honey, that is a bad bad photo! You look like Aileen Wournoss. I have tears running down my face laughing because I do believe it is nearly as bad as my passport photo in which I look horrified and disgusted, and my eyes are neither the same size nor looking the same way. Plus my hair is plastered to my head as I'd just walked through a snowstorm. It's not a good look. Actually no, I do believe you win, yours is even worse than mine.

Hahaha! That looks nothing like you! How long before you get a new license?

I went for a license photo a couple of years back, and a split second before the flash went off, I thought - 'how does my hair look? I need to do the 'flick' - ... and DID the flick... you can guess what happened next. I now have a photo where a section of my hair on top of my head is simulating a tsunami wave. When I saw it I said you've GOT to be joking.. but the attendent just wove me away, and started helping the next person in line. Done deal.
I had to move states to get that license redone. It has been worth the move.

Oh my word I so needed that laugh I can't even tell you. I thought I had the world's worst driver's license photo. Yours is orange. Mine? Mine is RED. I had, and I do not exaggerate, an extremely aggressive flare up of rosacea that was so bad that I was under a dermatologists care AND a chemical burn from the nasty skin creme that had been prescribed by a prior doctor -- at the same time. I was overjoyed to find it was DL renewal time! (Yea!) And, what was I thinking? I had on a green shirt. Can you say Merry Christmas? And *what* is it with DMV photos that do that weird thing to your chin? I weigh 125 lbs and it looked like I weighed 325 ... all the additional weight in my jowl area, thank you very much. AND I have green eyes, which matched my green shirt, which only accentuated the red tomato face.

I get sympathy gasps whenever I have to show my ID. Oh, honey, how did they make your face that color? I just take the sympathy. Sometimes you just need it.

However, I have read each comment and laughed hysterically...we all go through this. And no way, no how, do I have the guts to put my DL photo on the internet.

Of course I don't look like I'm going to stab somebody... :)

Well, you do look a little Aileen Wuornos around the eyes. If it's any consolation, I also look like I just excaped from the women's prison on my license, except that I had short hair at the time, so I look a little, shall we say, butch. One mean butch, that's me.

As for Southernisms, I had a boyfriend who used to used to say, "That's so good it makes me want to slap my momma" or some such. He also used to say"well shut my mouth wide open." The one that really got me was "I'd walk a mile to eat the peanuts outta her s**t." They don't really say that down there, do they?

The blonde, SoCal cousin of Morticia Addams.

Massachusetts does not have weight listed on drivers' licenses, you can register to vote AND donate your organs. One-stop shopping at your local Registry!

Oh, thank you. I'm just starting my day reading this, and I am in tears laughing.

First, I hear you on missing the food from home. Now that I've been living abroad for several years, trips back to the US seem to be all about eating as many of my favorite foods as I can in the time I'm there and then figuring out how many more I can stuff in my bags.

Second, I love the picture. Very intimidating. You're just daring that cop to give you a ticket... or maybe it's enough cause to search your car for dead bodies. Either way, very entertaining.

I remember when they first started taking those digital ID pictures. My sister-in-law had this gorgeous, just-back-from-the beach, model-with-the-wind-blown-hair look. I looked like a druggy with my eyes half-closed. Maybe that's why I skipped the country. At least that driver's license photo isn't following me around anymore.

I told the lady at the DMV I didn't want to smile cause it never turned out well in photos-and she made me laugh then snapped. I sat there waiting, heard people actually laughing and then she called me back up, said she was so sorry and RETOOK my pic(have you ever heard of them doing that?). I never saw the photo but I just know its posted in the center of some horrible corkboard in their office. I try not to remember the whole experience but every now and then the memory surfaces. So really yours is not so bad--I think it could have been alot worse.

Holy CRAP!

That can't be you....
1) this person looks over 40
2) apparently there's a large rat in the corner which has just been spotted and is making this person's eyes pop out

What the heck happened?????
(And why, in God's name, do you not go get a new photo taken??)

You look FIERCE in a Tyra Banks sort of way :P

I'm sorry.....but....the love child of Eileen Wuronos and an OompaLoompa?

Weren't you the lead in an Alfred Hitchcock movie? I swear I've seen that face with that look in an old slasher flick...

:)

You are absolutely not lieing about having the worst DMV photo ever.

My fave Southernism is "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit" to express surprise.

I hate to say that had the worst DMV photo ever; my license expired in '92, the year my eldest daughter was born. She was due on my BIRTHDAY. (She ended up being a few days late, so we don't share the day, but anyway.) I hugely schlepped into the El Toro DMV about five days before my due date/license expiration, stood in the interminable lines, and finally got to the photo station where the woman barked in her best Holly Hunter voice, "Stand with your toes on the red line!" Then she looked up and really saw me, and started laughing. "If you can SEE your toes!"

I lost that license six months later, it was so worth it.

Up until now I thought my Mom's was the worst I'd ever seen, but now I have to look at hers again to make sure. Yours doesn't say "serial killer" to me so much as "cannibal in the throws of a panic attack", but either way you should win some sort of prize!

Mine's not nearly as bad, but does sort of look like a mugshot. Ironically, my actual mug shot was much better....

I bet you couldn't make that face in the mirror rght now if we paid you!

Mine makes me look like I weigh 400 lbs....I like yours better.

Oh...my...
When I got my work ID photo taken, I had really short hair. In the photo my head looks perfectly round. Like Charlie Brown and his friends.

Hey at least your eyebrows look good! :-)

oi. that's orange.

i have concluded that disgruntled civil servants express their general loathing of the public through the only non-lethal emotional outlet available to them: the camera. be concerned when the guy taking your photo is sniggering at the images on his screen. your worst suspicions will be confirmed in 6-8 weeks.

Wow - I won't complain about mine anymore. It's like an serial oompa-loompa killer.
Here in Michigan, they now allow you to re-take your photo if you really hate it. It's kind of a "client satisfaction" program the have at the DMV
:)
That's ok, though. We still love ya!

I am *so* not a fan of my current license or my work ID badge. (it was a bad PMS-ridden casual Friday. I showed up in OVERALLS!! and was in the awkward growing-out stage with my hair. And they decided to now keep the photos on file so if you lose your badge - they can just reprint from the picture they have on disc. Fantastic.)

All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

LMAO ! I feel your pain, Chickie ! Been there. My DL also says 135. Add another 55 and it will be closer to the REAL truthy truthfulness that is the truth. Truthfully.

Cheers !

OMG! I have that same deer-in-the-headlights look on my face, too, in my driver's license photo. What is up with that?!? But I'm not orange, just oddly pale.

The guy at DMV was very sweet. I wrote down 145 for my weight, trying to be honest, and he said, "No, sorry, you don't look a pound over 130." So according to my DL, I'm 130 pounds. HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Check out today's entry on my blog - Southernisms! You will totally appreciate them - food & conversation related.

Just pulled out my driver's license to check my weight...and surprise...Massachusetts doesn't have weight on it!

I look like a floating head in my pic because my shirt is the same color as the background

PS Thanks for reminding me I have to go to the DMV today to renew my registration

You should totally photoshop that picture to look like a mugshot! (that's what it looks like to me!) (and sorry for that)

Thanks for sharing! You are so beautiful and I can't imagine how you got such a terrible picture!

Sorry, did you say something about a driver's license photo? I got stuck on the part about the list of everything you plan to eat while you're in Texas and my mind started to wander...barbecue, barbecue sauce, dry rubs, ribs, brisket, pork tenderloin, sausage, smoked turkey breast, chicken fried steak with cream gravy, rice and gravy, mashed taters and gravy, biscuits, beans, potato salad, coleslaw, okra, black-eyed peas, cornbread, grits, Dr. Pepper, I want me a big ol' glass of sweet tea, no, make it a Lone Star beer, don't forget the peach cobbler, give me some pecan pie, pecan pie...where's the pecan pie at?...brisket...biscuit...I need a biscuit...gimme a biscuit...

dont you just love work friends?
i had worked with a girl, anna, for three years and in the last six months or so started getting close to her. and i hear you on the girl-crush thing, like, anna is just so cool. but she had to go get married and move to the other side of the country just has we started hanging out on a semi-regular basis. but she'll be back in 2 years. and in the mean time i have informed her little brother who now works with me, that he is to be my new best friend. turns out he's as cool as she is.
and while yes, your picture is creepy, it has NOTHING on my drivers license picture. oh the horror.

Dang, Joyce Hanson distracted me. I'm hungry now. Yay for Texas food! When you come to Texas, Laurie, wave in the general direction of the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I'll be waving, too!

OH. MY. GOD. I'm all tuckered out now. Between your post and all these comments I thought I would die laughing! Been hunkered down in front of my monitor so my coworkers passing by don't see the tears in my eyes while I try not to bust a gut laughing. Also, trying not to swallow so that I don't choke on my jown saliva while laughing.

Whew! But you know what? My DL photos have always been great. Really. People comment that they almost never see a good one and are surprised whenever they see mine.

~shy look, shuffles foot~

I think bangs would have helped! Offset the eye-widey-ness.

wink!

Southerner living in Ohio here (married a yankee). About the only thing I really miss food-wise is fried okra, and I pig out on that when I visit the fambly. DH learned to make biscuits and friend chicken (since he loves those), and does a fantastic job (yes, I also import white lily flour for the biscuits).

I can't even come close on the DL pix. You win.

I've used butter my butt and call me a biscuit; have you heard the not-for-nice-company version: well, dip me in sh*t and roll me in breadcrumbs.

:)
Phyllis

You poor thing! All of your readers should flash their DL photos now too! Come on everybody :)

Oh man Laurie! You got the "crazy eyes" going there. All the serial killers and weirdos have the "crazy eyes". Eeep!

So what's wrong with looking like a zombie? Did Francisco take that pic?

I am not a Southerner, but am related to quite a few of them. Some of my favorite Southernisms:

used to could - as in one used to be able to do something.

Out for Hair - eg: " You'uns best watch it - Aunt Babe's out for hair." This could just be from my crazy injun relatives. They also call everyone "Cuz".

My mom always said: "That's good enough to slap your Daddy."

She also would say "I'm gonna slap a lung out of you." I found the mental image that conjured terrifying, and I usually straightened right up - even though my mom never hit me at all.

Ooooh, that's where "Crazy Aunt Pearl" comes from.

Oh dear. That's all I can say. On another note, one of the most delightful surprises I had in moving to PA many years ago is that they don't put weight on drivers' licences. Woo-hoo!

Oh honey that is NOTHING, you should see my drivers license. I have to use my debit card for everything in case I am asked for ID on a credit card! Nancy P.

Aileen Wuornos!

I'll see your orange serial killer and raise you elderly hippie serial killer with zombie grin! (Seriously. You are *so* not even in the running in the Worst Driver's License Sweepstakes. Neither is Nancy P.)

I can tell Phyllis is really a Southerner.

I actually laughed out loud when I saw your picture, because you seriously look like a serial killer. Do they have some kind of magic camera that makes everyone look completely different? You always look really sweet and happy in the candid shots you put up on the blog. If I didn't know better, I'd say they had mixed up your picture with your evil twin's. You could go to the DMV and just *say* you lost it - you'd have to pay, I think (I live in Wisconsin and I believe it's $24). But then again, then you couldn't ever win the "I have the WORST driver's license photo EVAR" game.
:-)
p.s. *Warning Sappy cheesiness:* You are such an inspiration! The whole thing with the floors, it just makes me want to get rid of all my clutter and clean everything and have a nice, calm apartment. *Cheesiness Finished*

Can we get a Cafepress mug with that picture on it? teehee

WOW!!! That is the loudest I've laughed in about a week! Of course, it looks nothing like the truly adorable you!!!

One memorable time, long, long ago, I got a DL pic that looked so much better than reality, I continued to show it to people long after it had expired. Long after I had moved from the State where it had been taken. In fact, hold on a minute while I scan it and email it to you... :)

that really does NOT look like the laurie we see and love in your blog...usually from a higher view looking down at that crazy happy grin of yours as you hold the camera on yourself and victim... and where the hell did the jowls come from? you have no jowls! how old is that person? she looks to be in her 50s! laurie, ya'll gotta get psyched up for your next DMV pic....of course it could only be better....t'aint no worse! ha!!!! thanks for the laugh girl!
your commentors, btw, have fabulous sense of humors too! you seem to be attracting fellow comediennes!

My mom once had DL photo that was worse. They snapped the picture while she was talking. Hilarious.

Are you going to the State Fair of Texas? Deep Fried Foods! You can't beat that with a stick. If you're ever in Austin I'm sure there are several devoted readers who would be glad to show you aroudn.

Although I laughed 'til tears ran down my cheeks at your DL photo (you're right - it's horrible, but in a funny way), I laughed even harder at the comments!

Thanks, y'all for chasing the PMS blues away!

Thank you for making my day! I am giggling at work, which hardly ever happens :) Btw...your homey updates are awesome. Keep 'em coming!

Oh, hell, that's nothing. You should see my passport photo; sick as a dog, depressed, and I KNEW it was bad, but just didn't care at the time. Homeland Security thinks I've just come off the set of "Shaun of the Dead" as a zombie extra.

You have such a great sense of humor, laurie!

The first thing I thought was "Manson girl!!" As in Charles Manson. Wow, no doubt that has to be one of the worst photos, EVER! You know you are so much more beautiful in real life!

Just curious-which DMV were you at when they took this pic? I so do not want to go there.

Just got back to LA from the other LA (Lower Alabama.) One of their Southernisms- Do you go "to the house" in Texas? Everywhere else you go home. I brought back a 5lb sack (not bag-it's southernism time) of Jim Dandy grits, and a bottle of Daddy Buck's cane syrup for the hotcakes. Yumm cathead biscuits.

Dude. I thought my DMV photo was bad (none of them are particularly *good*), but that's terrible! You couldn't possibly be that orangey in real life. Lousy camera!

OMG! It kind of reminds me of Michael Jackson for some reason? Maybe the wide eyes and the way it makes your lips and nose look so thin and oddly spaced? If it makes you feel any better my passport photo is worse.

I hate to admit it, but you do look a lot like Ilene Wuornos in that picture. Sorry. At least it is somebody famous - I just look stupid in mine.

Okay - you have to LOSE that driver's license. Flush it down the toilet. (Accidentally, of course.) Go down to DMV and apologize abjectly and give them twenty bucks or whatever they charge for a replacement license and GET A NEW ONE. Been there, done that. I once had a DL photo snapped when I had my mouth open and eyes shut. They refused to re-take it. Guess what - three weeks later, I "lost" it. (That's my story and I'm stickin' with it.)

You know, I used to take passport photos EON's ago, and never took a good one. used to tell people if they looked like their photo they are too sick to travel.. that could work for drivers licence too.. Mine is worse, MUCH WORSE.. I got home and cried cause, although I knew I was no supermodel, I didn't think I was FUGLY UGLY.. but apparently I am!