Well, Congratulations!

You know...for not smoking.. right now!

whoot

Now *that* is a brilliant plan, CAP! Pause it till 60.

Keep the pause (and yourself) alive, sister!

Oh, god love ya for figuring out a plan that works for you. I so do not understand how you can love smoking, because just the smell of the smoke makes me feel physically ill, but we're all different and that's cool and I think you made a great plan. And if it's working for you, that's wonderful!

I've been in that exact same place. I only quit because my husband wanted me to, although I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. Anyway, it's been over ten years for me and I can truthfully report that the desire to resume, ever, is completely gone. Plus think how much more yarn you can buy with the money saved!

Hm - a friend of mine says the hardest thing to do is to give up the cigarette when you have a drink in your hand (I personally just hold the drink in one hand and food in the other - thanks for asking). The ability to "pause" is quite a feat - can there be a more difficult addiction? So hang in there - if you don't want to smoke, California is a GREAT place to live (but no more vacations in Paris!)

I LOVE cigs too. LOVE em'. I'd smoke them all the time if I wasn't afraid of cancer. So sometimes I smoke, sometimes I don't. But I'm always thinking of them. Sigh.

For what it's worth, I am an alcoholic (just did a post about it today, ironically!), and I think your frequent jokes about teh wine are perfectly harmless and healthy. :) Like you said, if you really had a drinking problem, you wouldn't be able to laugh about it.

But then again, like the Aries woman I am, I never got involved in any kind of 12-step program. Maybe I'd be preachier if I had. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I have to admit the smell of certain cigarettes appeals to me. Over half of the guys I've dated have been smokers. If I were not slightly asthmatic, I would probably be a smoker. (When I tried Marlboro Lights way back when, it made my lungs feel like there was an elephant sitting on them)

My current SO smokes hand-rolled cigs, which he switched to in a delusional attempt cut back (not wanting to fuss with rolling one). Rather, he got really good at rolling them! :P He can even roll them while walking down the street in a high wind. It is really quite amazing to see.

Anyhow, I'm glad to see that you've found a way that works for you, and like one of the other comments said, maybe you won't have the desire in 10 years. In the mean time, enjoy breathing, and running, and not having the "hack your lungs up" type cough. By the time you're 60, you might not feel like running so much...so it will all work out! :P

I did the exact same thing. I cannot live in LA, be asthmatic and smoke - so I paused. Or quit for now. Its been almost 8 years and I still identify to myself as a smoker (chain smoking, 2 pack a day smoker) who just doesnt smoke - right now. It has come full circle right now, though. I can't imagine smoking again - right now - I don't want it and it grosses me out - right now. Can you tell its all about right now?????

I had to quit last fall -- emphysema -- but I dearly love smoking the damn things. My answer is now a deep and heartfelt commitment to "cig candy", those lozenges with nicotine in them. I spend as much on those as I ever did on cigs, but at least I can breathe (somewhat). I gotta say to stick with it, but I surely understand the other.

Smoking is something I've never tried. My husband used to smoke,and he told me that he quit - before we met - when he realized that he *needed* it. He loved it, and he misses it, but he didn't want to need to do something, without having a choice - he's a former commitmentphobe. So he quit. I don't know if he will ever start again, I hope he doesn't. Smaoking has always been a turn off for me.
I hope that it's everything you want it to be when you get there again, and enjoy your self in the meantime.

Gotta say, I have not smoked for a good 18 years and if reading your post right now doesn't make me want to, then there's hope for you!!! That said, I can still discern my old favorite brand in a crowded room--not that that happens very often here in California--sniff sniff, yup, that was my brand!

Good for you for pausing! You crack me up.

Congrats! I miss it after a great meal with friends...even after 6 years of being smoke free. (My goal was to start smoking again at 80 yrs old.)

Smoking. I dearly miss smoking. A lot. I will still cross the street to get a good blast of second hand smoke, you know--- that vicarious bit of enjoyment.

Giving up smoking is horrible, and I know that you will find whatever means to deal with it. I think that pause might just work!

Now about that boogerin' alcohol problem! (Haaaaaaa!)

I can totally identify with you. Kudos on the pause technique. That's very creative. I quit 21 years (and almost 6 months) ago. In my dreams, I still smoke. And it feels SOOO good. And then I totally panic.... oh no! all those years of sacrifice down the drain! I know I'll go right back to it now.... Then I wake up and remember what and addict I am. When we were short on grocery money, there was money for smokes. I was definitely going to quit when I got pregnant.... well, sort of. OK, turns out not really. But I didn't want to die, and I didn't want to hurt my kids (any more). I was 26 and had had chronic bronchitis for years. Cancer runs in our family. Today, I am smokeless like a recovering alcoholic is dry. I will always be a smoker; I just won't smoke. I dream the feeling less often, and I have come to believe that I PROBABLY will never smoke again. probably...

I totally relate to what you are saying. I loved smoking. I had to quit because when my sister died, I took her two daughters to raise. Of course, I could not smoke with them around. I had decided to start again when I turned 80. I quit on July 4th, 13 years ago. Now I see July 4 as my personal independence day. It took a few years, but eventually I got over the feeling of wanting to smoke. At one time I had identified myself as a smoker, now I just feel like it was something I used to do, not who I was. However, smoking is not illegal and it is a personal choice. It really bugs when people judge and try to tell others how to live.

Oh, how I miss smoking. Especially reading this. But it's funny -- the more time has passed from when I quit, the more actual smoking and my nostalgic idea of smoking diverge. I can get stressed, or lonely, and really crave a cigarette and the ritual of smoking, but then when I'm actually *around* people who are smoking, it's not at all appealing anymore. (It helps that the remaining smokers among my friends mostly prefer American Spirits, which make me want to barf.) I remember when I quit, I told myself I could smoke at my bachelorette party, whenever that might be. But three years later, when said party came around, it didn't even cross my mind.

That is such a creative way to "quit" smoking--well done!

Also, reading your blog has inspired me to take up knitting. I signed up for a class just this morning.

Smoking is as bad for you as Mr. X was!

My 64 year old dad stopped smoking cold after his bypass surgery in April 2005. He had smoked since he was 16. He says that it's the best thing he has ever done.

I smoked for a year in college and gave it up on National Smoke-Out Day in 1983. It was hard and I slipped a few times but I know it was for the best.

I love the way you're counting the days until 60!! Could you BE any funnier????

Laurie,

Kudos to you for "pausing" LOL I cannot relate to your feeling as I have never been a "smoker" I find the taste and smell repulsive however, I can tolerate the ocassional "hand Rolled" ;)cigarette which I LOVE!!!! LMAO

I don't smoke, but sometimes I have such a craving for a cigarette! I don't like the smell or the taste and I'm afraid my teeth will get all yellowed (I have a thing about teeth), but some days all I want to do is sit on my porch with a cigarette in hand.

I so know how you feel. I quite 12 years ago, and I still miss it. I can't wait to be a little old lady in a nursing home so I can start smoking again.

I started smoking when I was 16 years old and that was almost half of my lifetime ago. I thought I would smoke through HS and college maybe and that would be it. But then…well, time passed and now I am thirty-mumble mumble and it is part of the person I have become.

I want to want to quit. I really, really do. And, sometimes I go weeks at a time without a cigarette since my family has *no idea* even after all this time. I would hate to disappoint them so I go without whenever I visit them. The worst part is that I love the cigarette so much. Like you, I think I could physically quit any time, but the mental part….. whoa. I love having the time alone to sit on my deck and think. I love when you meet another closet smoker and you have that special bond that comes from being social outcasts and sharing your secret shame. I love the click of the lighter, the flick of the match, the first inhale, the rhythm and the ritual. I love being able to gesture emphatically with fire. I love being able to make a point and then crush out my cigarette with finality. I love it. I really, really do and it makes me ashamed sometimes because I know how weak it looks to love something that is so unhealthy, so wrong. But it’s like a bad boyfriend. Sometimes it’s just hard to let go even when you know you should. So maybe you have the right idea. Just take a break, get a little distance and a little perspective. A little time to fall out of love.

I smoked for a year or so in college. It was a VERY BAD year. Going back to grad school & life in general have me craving cigs again. My husband, aka The Nose Who Smells All, keeps me clean tho. Which is probably for the best.

That's the best part about getting old; we'll be able to do whatever we want! My 78 year old mother picked up smoking again a couple years ago. She also unapologetically eats dessert. I think it probably makes up for all the times you realize that you're no longer a youngster.

I'm on the one cigarette a month plan, although when I lived with a smoker I'd have one about once a week, maybe more. I go through phases. After I moved out of the smoker's house, I hated the smell and taste for a long time and thought I had quit for good. And then I had one, um, yesterday, and really enjoyed it. (Damn.) So...you know. The odd thing is, I don't think of myself as a smoker anymore--I think of myself as a non-smoker. That occasionally smokes, I guess.

You are a wise woman for realizing how to make it work FOR YOU. Everybody has their own path, and it looks like you've found yours. Hurrah!

I've known so many people who were more addicted to the ritual of smoking than to the physical part of smoking, and I think it's the ritual that's hardest to break. But I commend you for "pausing"---I lost my dad to emphysema last September, and so I applaud everyone who quits smoking, no matter how they do it.

Laurie, I said the same thing - I'm stopping for now, but once I hit eighty, I'm smoking again. (I come from long-lived people, at eighty I'll likely have about fifteen good smokey years left in me.)

If they ever came out with a healthy cigarette, the ex-smokers would line up in droves to buy them.

Hey, I paused as well, except my resuming smoking could occur at any time, or when I am around other smokers, because that is when the temptation will strike the hardest, and I will cave. I know this, I accept it, and I move on. I love to smoke as well, and those nights after my heart was broken into a million pieces and my daughter was in bed, those blissful moments alone with my cigarettes were some of the most peaceful, the least hurtful, and the most cherished quiet moments of my life thus far. I will not give those away wontonly, knowing that I would deny myself that one small luxury.

smokey treats are a sometimes food! (that was my mantra!) i told everyone i did not quit. i refused to tell myself that i quit. if i 'quit,' i knew i'd smoke one little cigarette and feel like a total disappointment... like dieting. so! i haven't quit, i stopped for now, just like you. i smoke when i want to, which now is maybe one every 2 weeks or so and no one gives me crap about it. i'm 26! i'm totally legal to smoke, drink *and* be out past curfew. i enjoy smoking and drinking (maybe not as much as 5 years ago, heh) and i smile and nod politely when my parents or friends say otherwise. as for the "no withdrawl symptoms?" oh, how i envy you.

I'm JUST like BethM. I quit smoking 18 years ago after being a 1-1/2 to 2 pack per day smoker for 23 years. I have those smoking dreams where I have 1 little cig and I'm instantly (and happily) addicted again. I wake up in full panic mode.

About a year after I quit I started to dislike the smell of smoke. Now I find it absolutely disgusting and can't stand to be around it. But I don't wake up coughing, I'm not clearing my throat all the time, I get way less colds and I can run marathons. Yeah, that didn't happen while I was smoking!

But I tell ya, if they didn't cause the whole lung disease/cancer thing, I'd probably start again tomorrow!

I feel ya. I'd love to quite for good just cause it's bad for me...I had to not smoke when I was out of town the past week and I'm going to see if I can go a looooog time without my darling little ciggies!

Well done Laurie!

You crack me up!
.

Girl.. you are genius. So it's been 6 years and 101 days (not that I ever count)... since I stopped smoking. Big deal.. I love the idea of starting again when I turn 60, because yanno what, I miss it too!

Oh Lord, yes -- the smell of cigarette smoke in its fresh form is still so tempting and delicious. My kids must see it in my face, because they are always quick to say "That's so disgusting, isn't it?" And I am quick to agree, because the thought of them partaking truly is disgusting. (What hypocrites we parents are!)

I quit for my husband 17 years ago, but I secretly harbored the same plan (LOL!!) -- when I am an old lady and I just don't care anymore, I will resume. Until I started to become truly revolted by the smell of stale smoke on people and their things. (Ugh! Knitted items from a smoker's home!) And I didn't want me and my stuff to smell that way. And so now just live vicariously through the smoke of strangers...

My sister LOVED cigarettes. She smoked each and every one as if it was her last one ever. The smoke would just nestle in her lungs till she was forced to let it out. Watching her smoke was like watching a fat kid with a box of donuts - she was totally focused and didn't need anything (or anyone) else.

If she could quit, so can you.

Congratulations on "pausing" smoking! That's wonderful. You know, I bet you will get to a point (in a few years) where the smell of smoke grosses you out, and the thought of smoking becomes much less appealing. I love your method, by the way--so clever.

Both my mom and my father-in-law quit smoking and both describe how they feel about smoking much the way you do.

I think the pause is a fantastic idea.

Grant quit a two-pack-a-day, 10-year habit when he got pneumonia. Our son was a few months old at the time, and I'd kicked smoking out of the house when I got pregnant, so there he was, flat on his back, barely mustering the energy even to use the facilities every few hours, and he figured if he couldn't smoke for a week anyway he might as well get a good jump on the withdrawal symptoms.

What made him *stay* quit, though, was remembering what it felt like to struggle for every breath. For a long time he kept a pack around the house: as he explained it to me, if there were cigarettes in the house and he didn't smoke them, that meant he was a nonsmoker. That worked for him (it's been 13 years almost to the day), and if pausing till 60 works for you, more power to you.

I've never smoked tobacco, but I set my clock 10 minutes fast so I always have an extra 10 minutes. Grant does not understand this at all.

I had trouble quitting too. I took up knitting the same week I quit smoking. I didn't need the nicotine or anything. I just wanted something to do with my hands, and that is why I smoked. The reasons are different for everyone. I was able to quit because I had found something else to do with my hands. And now I am quite literally addicted to knitting. I still haven't decided which is more expensive... But I sure do make some pretty stuff.

I do wish I could "pause" eating.

I was wondering how that was going. Because nothing goes better with a glass of red wine than a cigarette.

Do ya'll have any idea how I could just weep with happiness right now realizing there are other humans out there who felt the same way about smoking as I do? I thought I was the only lone, horrible, disgusting person who loved the ritual and peace that came from smoking. I, too, think of that long lonely period of insomnia and sheer misery as my secret, silent time with smoking and thinking, and in a million ways it helped me get better somehow.

hee. closet smokers. we all should go to the same nursing home so we can smoke sociably together when we are older and loonier.

My big stop-smoking plan was to stop smoking alone, only be a social smoker, and it worked for *years* until slowly over time it became socially unacceptable to smoke. My work passed a smoking ban during your shift hours (and enough before that you didn't walk in smelling smoky...I work in a children's hospital.) Then my county passed a smoking ban for all public places. Then Ohio passed a state wide smoking ban. And suddenly I was faced with the only way I could smoke was to be home, alone, and my lovely little plan went out the window. So I guess I quit. It doesn't feel like I quit, because I still have a few packs here and there, but I haven't smoked lately. As in recent memory.

Wonder how those leftover cigs will be in thirty years, my 60th? Because Laurie, that is one excellent idea!

i was a smoker who quit when i became pregnant with my first child. back when i started smoking, packs didn't come with terroristic warning labels on them. my favorite smoke of the day was always the one right after dinner(dessert? who needs dessert?)and i still miss it 23 years later. with all the knowledge we have now, (thanks alot dr. surgeon general) i always told my kids that if i ever saw them smoking, it had better be because they were on fire. i'm happy to have raised my little non-smokers, and that's probably what keeps me, like many others, a recovering smokaholic. keep the faith laurie, you are amazing.

You're right, cigarettes are lovely. I'm always amazed when I work out how long it is since I stopped, because I can still remember so clearly how lovely they were. I gave up without any trouble, on my first attempt, and my mother, who was the strongest-willed person in the history of the world, a woman to whom wild horses looked in admiration, struggled with giving up all her life. You're lucky, as well as deeply admirable, that you can pause.

It was that one after dinner that I loved...

Oh, babydoll, you are a lovely horrible person.

Horrible mostly because your description of the continuing love affair with cigarettes is so right on the nose that you ripped my heart out.

Lovely because, well, you are.

I have dreams wherein I smoke and it only turns into a nightmare when I realize I either have to hide it completely from the people in my life (and thus, be able to continue smoking yay) or go thru the hideous worse than divorce or being broke or broken or possibly stoned to death quitting process again. I wake up totally uncertain if I actually smoked (and therefore can continue duh) and disappointed when I realize it was one of those stoopid dreams. Okay, also sort of glad that I didn't 'fall off the wagon', but not very much.

I am still a smoker also. I just don't smoke. Excellent piece that I will never read again like I do some of yours. Thank you.

i just (as in, yesterday) passed the one year mark of quitting smoke. not a single cigarette in 365 days. and believe me, not a day goes by that i don't want one. that's what really sucks about quitting smoking -- you don't just quit once and be done with it, you have to continue to quit every single day. but my lungs don't rattle like they used to, and that feels pretty darn good.

Here, HERE sister! Smoking is just the effing BEST! I am also a paused smoker. We'll be back.

Wait--we're going to get loonier??

WOOOO HOOOO.

yay.

(Which state is the smoking knitting nursing home going to be in? Gotta make plans, ya know....)

smoking knitting nursing home with cats
can't forget the cats
sign me up!
I am also a pauser, altho I never thought of it that way. Perfect description. With the extra benefit of not sounding holier-than-thou. :)

wow, that's a creative approach! :D You certainly know yourself, congrats on that :D

I hate cigarettes -can't stand the smell - but my mother smokes 2 packs a day. It's difficult, because every time she lights one up, I see the clear image of her killing herself. But I also know that some habits/addictions die way too hard.

its been a few years since my last cigarette, (quit Jan of 2001, but i worked downtown NY, and i smoked a pack on Sept 11th/12) nothing since then again. but.. i too am still a smoker.. i am just not smoking right now

one day at a time, girlfriend. one day at a time.

Laurie, I loved smoking too. When I quit, the thing I missed about it was exactly what you describe - the act of smoking, the whole ceremony of it. How it helped me through my feelings, how I could settle in with my thoughts and a cigarette. But, I quit anyway, knowing I was quitting something I dearly loved. I quit smoking in December of 1999 and I've made it this far!

I enjoyed it too, but my body remembers and was more addicted and therefore I can not flirt with the idea to have just one, at any time. Ya, maybe when I'm 60 and healthy, then, why not. Maybe.

I *LOVE* the idea of a cigarette smoking, knitting, cat-loving nursing home.
My sister and I would like to sign up - please can you book us in for 2037 ?
Thank you.
Oh and will they be serving Gin and Tonics for breakfast ? I do hope so.

I remember when I was a wee five year old and smelled my dad's Belair cigarettes when he would light up ... I would want to eat them, they smelled so good. I started smoking at the age of 12. I'm now almost 43 - and still smoke. Wish I could find the guts to "pause". I so can relate to the "I loved to smoke." Too bad they can't come up with a cigarette that's good for you. Well, I can dream ...

I used to smoke... and I loved it. I quit when I realized I "needed" it. But I really do miss it. It's the most comforting habit... I'm kinda on board with the smoking at age 60 thing :)

I am de-lurking for this one. YES, that is exactly how I quit as well. Except I said 70...most of the time... sometimes I would be 65 or even 60. But on good days 70. My sister in law is the same. She gave up temporarily as well... My Dad is 65 and has tried to quit many times. When my Mom gives him a hard time he answers "but I like smoking! You don't understand, I REALLY, REALLY like it." And I understand exactly what he means.

Your writing just takes me away - thank you. I smoked for about 9 months (my mother put the first cigarette in my hand as I was on the phone with my first ex-husband as he caterwauled, wanting me back). At 9 months, the smoking started making me sick as a dog. I was shocked and forced to cut back, timing the hours inbetween cigarettes, but to no avail. I did love a drink and smoke. However, it is better for my lungs and my quality of life. I honestly don't think I could have stopped if it didn't make me sick. I love the 'pause'...just perfect.

Maybe you could try those patches...

I love smoking. I quit almost 2 years ago because I decided that I should be healthier by the time I turned 40. 40 is just 23 days away and I guess I am healthier because I quit smoking but I also weigh more. *sigh* Not so healthy.

The one thing about smoking that I do not miss is the smell. I liked the smell while in the midst of smoking a cigarette but I did not like the way my apartment, car, clothes, hair and especially the kitties smelled.

It gets worse.

I'm one of those people who can smoke a cigarette every now and then without totally falling off of the wagon. In fact, if I have more than one, my stomach doesn't feel so good. So, I smoke now and then but because I know that more than one will make me feel sick, I don't want more than one now and then.

My brother quits all of the time. I feel badly for him as he really struggles with it. He does what you did; he hasn't really quit, he's just taking a break until he turns 70.

Fortunately, a nice glass of chardonnay after work isn't smelly. It's funny...my doctors always want to know if I'm still a non-smoker but they don't give a whit about my wine habit ;-)

laurie, my love, sign me up for that nursing home, 'kay? I miss smoking so bad sometimes I could about cry. I gave it up YEARS AND YEARS ago, my last cig was...oh gosh...twelve years ago? something like that?

But I still sometimes find myself thinking longingly of that sharp, crisp "first lit" smell, and the long, deep drag that seals the "I am smoking you now" pact between smoker and cig, and sitting there watching the smoke drift and lazy all around me.

I quit to save my lung capacity (singer + smoking = bad plan) and kept on quitting to keep my children from getting any ideas.

But sometimes...sometimes in the quietest corners of my heart...I think I would about KILL for a cigarette, just one (or possibly two).

I agree. I truly miss smoking. In fact, I never take a break now because I quit smoking. Now it's just rush rush rush until it's time to go to sleep. I've also decided to smoke again - so I can take a break again...I just haven't picked the date. When, oh when, will someone discover a way for smoking to not have such a serious effect on your physical health. You'd thing the tabacco companies could come up with something!

Wow. Just WOW. Hugs to you, Laurie! I can't identify with the love of smoking part, but I can relate to the feeling of pain and loneliness of not being able to conquer a habit you know is bad for you.

You are so wise! And your self-knowledge is just simply amazing. Even with all your flaws, you are 100 percent more interesting and "together" than most people are.

"I know I can joke and laugh and have fun with things only when they don't trouble me at all. Folks often forget we talk openly and happily about stuff we actually have no problem with, and we hide our troubling parts."

What a brilliant observation!! You hit it right on the head!

I had a life long love affair (addiction) with the devils beverage "Coca Cola". I could drink it anytime of day. Loved it so much! But I finally realized what it was doing my thin boned tall frame. I had to say goodbye to my beloved carmel beverage.... Don't laugh, I had to do hypno-therapy to accomplish that. I turn 50 next month, I am making myself wait until I am 65 to start drinking it again.

Good for you for pausing the smokes...

Nancy, I can SO relate. I'm also one who can enjoy a cigarette now and then(maybe 3-30 cigs per year) with no problems. I started in college with my lovely roommate's help but never really smoked more than 1/2 a pack a day. I *paused* when I was pregnant with my son, almost 15 years ago! Some years I have more than others, my brother smokes so when I am around him I tend to have a dozen or so during a visit. Usually that many makes me feel bad so I try to watch it. I LOVE smoking, the act, the pause in the day, the quietness and... maybe it is because you have to pay attention to it, I don't know...

Laurie, I love love love how you meet life on your terms and make it work for you! You are an inspiration. {{{hugs}}}

I doubt that anyone could have made the case for having a cigarette NOW any better. I only have 6 years and three months till I'm 60. We'll see.

I quit in 1995. Fall. I remember the last pack I bought. I said, Self, this is IT. I started when I was 14 and quit when I was 19. For years after I was a casual smoker. Only smoking when I was so drunk that only a smoke could make things better. I stopped that about 5 years ago. One of the reasons I never went back was that in the fall of 1997 I bought a sweet kitty named Rozz. He has a bit of a smoke allergy. He keeps me honest.

Although that isn't really true anymore. Now that I am so far out, well, I don't miss it much. I sometimes miss the feeling of a cig between my fingers, but I lack the desire to smoke. On vacation last year, The Boy (who also quit years ago but is still a casual smoker) was smoking. I was fine with it, but when we went to bed I announced he was stinking up the place and had to go shower. I had turned in a couple hours earlier than he did and when he came in I was like UGH!

Weird how things change.

Here is an idea - if the pause begins to feel tooooo long and you can't stand it, maybe you can "allow" yourself to smoke for some period of time, say a month, and then pause again for a year or something. It is said the body repairs itself when you stop so you would fix all the damage in the off times. Is this crazy logic? I was just thinking it might be helpful to have a Plan B. But I want CAP around as long as possible so I am all for the pausing, as long as it works for you! And I have to also say that your phrasing was so darn eloquent when you said "..I know that folks read what *they* are living..." - sums it up beautifully. Keep on with the wine and jokes and everything else that makes you the best blog on the Web!

Aileen, I tried that strategy in Paris and failed, alas. Turns out I am not a person who can just smoke on occassion. I am well and very committed to it ;)

So I'm paused until I am 60. I'm fine, I mean I don't sit around all day bellyaching about smoking. Oh! Although there was one very stressful period in New York City last month when we couldn't get a cab anywhere in the whole city and had to walk back to Times Square all the way from the Javits Center (in 3-inch heels) (in 95 degree heat) (with 300 pounds of books) for an important meeting and the pressure was crazy and we walked by these folks on the street smoking and I almost took the cig right out of this one guy's hand.

Luckily, my logical(er) brain kicked in at the last moment. Because he was like a scary guy. Who wouldn't have appreciated my cig-theft.

I paused smoking myself, over two years ago. Good for you fellow pauser! Pauser? Is that a word? Oh well. I hope that the pause lasts until I'm at least 75. I've already hit the 40 mark, so 60 doesn't seem that far away...

Laurie, I understand how you feel about this subject. I have tried to stop quite a few times. I never thought of "pausing" though. Maybe I'll give it a whirl. But on the subject of how you feel about smoking a quote comes to mind. This is from the movie Triple X with Vin Deisel, "I love to smoke, I'll smoke Forever, I would even smoke in my sleeep if I could." Kudos to you for pausing.

I first quit smoking in college, in 1979. Then again in 1982 when my fiance told me he would not marry a smoker. I quit again a few years later after my husband told me he'd divorce me if I didn't quit, again. I did quit smoking, again, then divorced his controlling, abusive ass.

I quit several more times while dating a chain smoker who plied me with boxed wine, to keep me in his stanky hole of addiction.

I quit again when I was pregnant with my daughter and then again when she was two years old.

Up until the last quit just 3 years ago, I had the same affection for smoking as you describe. The feel, the taste, the comfort of knowing it was waiting for me at the end of the day, hour, meal, etc.

Every time I started up again, my inner voice did not say the expected "What the hell are you doing? We were free and clear!" but instead, "Hello, old friend."

The longest I ever went without was 10 years, but I thought about it almost every day of those years.

There was once a this anti-smoking T.V. commercial where they showed a close up of a woman smoking. There was just her mouth and the cig and what they wanted to present as filthy smoke and smutty ash. They showed her inhaling and exhaling. I guess it was supposed to show smokers how disgusting it is, but it gave me the Jones. Bad. I think it was a short-lived commercial.

I've been smoke free for a few years now. I didn't even keep track of the date. I still have a full pack of marlboro lights in the freezer. (Oh yeah...and the feel of a full pack, just opened? Or the finding of one more little buddy hiding in the corner of the pack,when you thought you were out? Oh baby, I remember.)

Through all those quits, this is the first time I have never looked back. I don't miss it. I don't crave it. I don't long for the feel of it between my fingers or the taste of it with a good red wine. I keep the box as a reminder, I guess. I still have a one sheet of nicorette lozenges in my cupboard. I'm not sure why I'm hanging on to them either.

I don't know why I'm sharing all this except to say at some point your heart and soul will turn its back on it too.

And do you notice how much fresher your skin looks?

You crack me up. As a person who never even had the desire to try smoking, I don't get it, but it cracks me up, and I promise not to judge (I've twirled my hair in a really funky way since I was two, so who am I to judge someone else's addiction?).

I'm all for the clean living, though. It's all about loving and respecting yourself the way you would love and respect those near and dear to you (I guess if you save them the trauma of living with some illness you accidental inflict on yourself, you are eventually showing your love for them by taking good care of yourself now, right?), and that I think is wonderful. So, keep it up and congrats on making it this far.

Oh heck, I "paused' at age 37 after smoking since college - 2 packs a day and edging up in times of stress. I promosed myself I could start back up at age 70 ... only 18 years to go.

You perfectly described what smoking is like, what non-smokers just don't understand. I think it took about 15 tries, and a couple of times I went without for years, then started again.

In 10 days it will be 10 years since I stopped, but I still miss it every day.

And Krista? I used to twirl my hair, too, till I started smoking!

I paused too. In that very same way, by making a little deal with myself that I can start again when I turn 70. And every single day I think about it. I think about the little sizzling sound a cigarette makes when you light it. I think about sitting alone on the porch in the dark, watching the little glowing tip move with my hand. I think about opening a new pack and seeing all the smooth, white, papery little friends in there all lined up neatly, just waiting for me. I think about that glorious moment of anticipation just before you light the cigarette. I'd never be able to handle it, if I couldn't tell myself: "just four more decades. That's not too long. Just a few more years and you can have all the smokes you want."

You are such a hoot. I have this vision of you swooping by and stealthily stealing the cig in one smooth move...he is left staring at his hand, puzzled...

I know, I know, I know so what you are talking about. I have paused before, and I will pause again.

Luckily, you live in California, where it is illegal to smoke practically anywhere, even the beach. The only safe place would be your house, but you don't want your cats to get second-hand smoke, do you? Whenever you have an urge to smoke or to put something in your mouth, may I suggest carrots, or just French-kissing strange men in the supermarket?

Hypnosis helped me 'pause' and somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge that someday I just might light up...my mum quit for over two years and her brother visited one day, threw her a cig, she'd smoked half before she realised what she was doing!! She was so pissed, but couldn't decide if she was cross with herself or her brother.

I used to sneak a ciggy butt at lunch during HS. Not much more than that but it could have gotten out of hand once I moved out of the folks' prison...I mean house. What stopped me? Guy R. He was standing next to me in line one day, looked down, wrinkled his nose and said "Do you smoke?" Stammer, stumble, stutter "Uh...no?" "You sure SMELL like it." Last cigarette I ever smoked.

The pausing thing- genius. I have often pondered that people who are mentally ready to stop smoking just stop doing it, and all the patches, gum,lozenges, and classes don't cut it for people who don't really want to give it up.

Also a giver upperer and I well remember just loving to smoke. After 8 years I have stopped dreaming of smoking.

At 30, I did the same thing -- gave it up until I was 65. Now 66, I rejoice that I live in Ohio that has banned smoking in many places, and hate to travel to states where smoke is everywhere. I wish you well!
Sue

Good job, Laurie! It is tough to quit. It took me three serious attempts, a bout with pneumonia, and four months of recurring bronchitis before I finally did it. I've been smoke-free since October 30, 1999. I'm not on Pause, I've already hit Eject, but if it works for you, that's beautiful.

Wow, are you reading my mind, or are you secretly me?

I too am a smoker who loves the act and ritual of smoking, just not how it makes me feel (or look). I don't smoke too heavily and I have "quit" a few times, but this last time I finally just realized that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Having a cigarette here and there is not the worst thing in the world and it doesn't make me a failure or a bad person. I honestly think that I will probably continue my pattern of pausing for six months to a year then smoking for a few months then going back on pause.

I'm a smoker who doesn't smoke too! I gave up ten years ago (next February) as it was a straight choice between my new man (who is very anti-cigarette) or the smokes. (It had been a long loooong dry spell!)

I miss it every day. I don't like the smell of other people's smoke but I still miss the holding, the inhaling, the time out of my life to stop and puff.

Every year I go away for a girly weekend with my sisters (all ex-smokers too) and we SMOKE (and drink) for two days. We don't do it at home and we don't tell our partners (they actually know but understand the wisdom of not arguing with four nicotine deprived women for the rest of the year). But every year, for two days, we puff away and love every minute of it.

I don't know if I could wait till I'm 65 but I know I can wait till next May!

"so that when I start smoking again at 60 I will be SO HEALTHY that I can live a LONG LONG time just so I can enjoy more smoking!"

I love the way your mind works! Maybe this philosophy will help me in my endeavors to be a non smoker... at least for a while. :)

Both of my in-laws finally quit smoking. . . one died of lung cancer, the other from emphysema. The best quote on smoking came from my father-in-law: "I always knew cigarettes would kill
me, I just didn't know it would take so damn long." It's a nasty, painful death and horrible for your family to watch and endure.
Please "pause" forever. . . 60 really isn't that "old". We want you around for a long, long time.

Bravo! How ever you did it, glad you are a non-smoker now. Anything with that many chemicals can't be healthy! Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. I always enjoy reading your posts.

I paused, too, but with wine and beer. Told myself that the last half of my life (until I'm 70) would be without alcohol. The time has flown by, with only 9 years left of the pause. Sometimes I think about it, but not seriously. We'll see what happens when I turn 70. I can't predict where I'll be, with whom I'll be, and how I'll feel. I miss the taste, but not once have I missed overdoing the drinking. May your pause be as painless and as filled with fun and adventure as mine has been.

It was much the same for me - no physical withdrawal symptoms, but the habit was hard to break anyway!

Alas, I am a closet smoker. I have been smoking for 7 years and the day i quit cold turkey 3 days after i found out I was preggo. In my mind I could do it so easily because I was only pausing till after I had the baby. Well Now the baby's 3 months old, I wanna stop breast feeding and start drinking and smoking. Well SO continually gives me shit. Makes me cry almost daily about wanting to do it. My body is not addicted and I had no ill effects quiting. Its totally the mental thing. Now with the stress of dealing with the baby and his LAMEA$$ dad I secretly smoke during my breaks at work and in the car when im by myself.
*ANYWAYS*
Point of the story is I get where your coming from and more power to ya. When I smoke my ciggerette on the drive home from work in 8 min I will think of you and your pauseness.

Little does Neil know. I have made many a friend by standing outside of bars, smoking. Oh, and when I worked in offices and needed someone to do something for me quickly? Always go to your fellow smokers first. It took my boss forever to realize how I knew all these folks in other departments, especially IT. Because IT always seems to have its fair share of smokers.

So yeah, California has made it practically illegal to smoke but that just means we rebels have formed a closer bond.

Cheers for pausing! I quit, myself, but they say no one ever *really* quits, and I tend to agree - I quit until I've been drinking and I get offered one. Or I've been drinking and beg a drag off of a friend's cig, but thats a rare thing these days. But I too think it helps not to think of it being a neverever thing, but instead a notrightnow thing. Good luck! And if you have days you drop the end date down to 50, we won't tell!

So.... if you never smoked, can you still use the, "I'm spending the money I used to spend on cigarettes, on yarn." excuse? If so, I think I'll start smoking for the next day or so, then stop!

OMG Dagny you are SO RIGHT. I know practically half the call center from my days of smoking out behind the building with them....

Aw hon, do I so KNOW where you are. Why? Because I'm right there with you! I smoked for 14 years and have been 'paused' for..hmm ..it's 8 years now. I smoked a pack to a half a pack of Camel Lights a day. I quit using Zyban and going cold turkey. Unlike you, I am/was/forever will be addicted to the lusciousness that is nicotine..and I'm emotionally addicted. I STILL dream about smoking. I still sniff when someone just lights one up..damn..
yes I'm an addicted. Call me when you hit 60 and we'll light up together!

I smoke. A lot. I've been smoking since I was 21, and I'm now 49. I've never coughed, wheezed, or had to clear my throat. And I swim a couple of miles a day without any problems.

I also quit smoking. Every night. Then I start again when I wake up.

OK, so I love smoking. It's the only vice I have, since I don't drink (just lost my taste for it - nothing about being morally outraged about it). And I live in California, which is probably one of the most anti-smoking states there is. However, we just got back from Reno, and I was SHOCKED when I asked for a smoking table in a casino restaurant and was told that Nevada just passed a law banning smoking in all but the gaming floor of a casino. That was my favorite part of going - having a cigarette after my meal or while waiting for my next course. It was civilized. It added to my dining experience. It was a bummer to find out I couldn't do it anymore.

I try to be polite about smoking, but I get tired of hearing about non-smokers' rights. What about smokers rights? Quite frankly, I'm turning into a militant smoker because so many people glare at me, make nasty comments, point at signs telling me I have to stand 30 feet away from doors, etc. I'm beginning to not care. Except around kids. I don't smoke around them, or around people with asthma, or in enclosed public places.

But when I'm outside, all bets are off. Maybe one day I'll quit. I applaud you for doing it. But right now, I love it too much to even think about it. Besides, I'm very ill and my doctor has actually told me to keep smoking because my body can't take the stress of quitting. I think I must be the only person on earth who has a doctor endorsing my horrid habit.

So I guess I'm a degenerate, don't give a shit about my health, evil person. Thank God I haven't changed.

Laurie,
I know exactly what you are talking about...the pausing I mean. I believe I paused at least 20 times but I finally quit. I didn't want to quit. I loved it. ~Sigh~ I still love the thought of it.
It took my husband quitting first. I never in a million years thought he would quit. Ha, I was safe! He was smoking 2 packs a day. Six months later after he threatened to start again I quit. Ahem...paused I mean.

I haven't smoked in a long long time - years & years & years. I can never say when I quit when people ask because I didn't quit. I just decided "I won't have this one cigarette right now that I'm craving". Then the next time I'd want one, I wouldn't have that one. And so on.

Take it one...day...at...a...time.

I totally get that addiction thing. When I was recently talking to my super fit and healthy friend about losing weight, she said "Just eat less."
I don't have a cigerette addiction, but I do have a food addiction...one that is a minute by minute trial with myself.
Good for you for pausing! Progress for your health is progress...no matter what anyone says.

Eat right, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink.

Die anyway.

I need a drink and a hit.

I'm 885 days, 44,282 cigs into my pause...I have money tucked away in an interest bearing account because in 14 years, 12 days, I'm goign to smoke again.

Salute!

Hi Laurie,
I'm a long-time lurker and a different Faith from the one you already know. I wish my father had paused his smoking years earlier; I was with him when he died in February after having been on oxygen for 9 years.
Good for you for figuring out a way to deal with it all! We need you to stay healthy!

Good girl! It's all a game, right?

There's nothing more nasty than stinky knitting! You can't gift stinky knitting.

I am such a smoker. A 'home smoker'. I only smoke at night at home. Few people outside my family realize I smoke. It's such a guilty pleasure! It's funny how it's all the ritual. However, if I don't get a cigarette at 8 pm I start freaking out. My hands shake, I get extremely anxious, sometimes I start pacing. I've actually left dinners and parties early to get home and smoke. Or delay my arrival so I can have one before I go. Maybe a pause would be a good thing...

Hace you seen the film 'Thank You for Smoking'? Too, too funny about the self-righteous hypocracy of the world.

Thank God I never started smoking because I suspect I would not want to give it up. So I'm not going to be self-righteous. I just hope you are enjoying spending every dollar you are not spending on cigarettes on luxury yarn/holiday/deposit for a home, etc. Not to mention all the health stuff.

I think your approach is great; I use a much shorter-term version to talk myself into going to the gym. "I know I don't feel like going to the gym but I will go tonight; I only have to do a very light workout; just 20 minutes; I don't have to kill myself". Then 99/100 once I'm in I'll end up doing the full workout.

I felt the way you do about smoking too. I quit at 40 and now I'm 60. I STILL think maybe when there is less time left, I'll smoke. I'll smoke in the car. I'll smoke over coffee after dinner. It won't result in full ashtrays, burn holes in my clothes, collapsed lungs, and it won't taste or smell bad at all....

Right now heavy smokers smell pretty awful to me, but I'm sure I could get over it :-)

Congratulations. I hope you do something nice for yourself EVERY SINGLE DAY. You deserve it.

Love this! I am a "non-smoking" smoker: the husband doesn't know I do (although I say in front of him in conversation that I "do have one now and then"). It IS a guilty pleasure -- and the *naughty* aspect of it is an added enjoyment. Second, I guess it's not a physical addiction with me because if I don't have one I'm not bothered. But I have a pack secreted in a zipper pocket in my purse, and when the opportunity arises I take it. I have a friend similarly set, and we go out to supper a couple of times a month in a restaurant NEAR our town (which has become an entirely non-smoking fascist state). We enjoy our dinner and a leisurely (if wicked) cigarette. I agree with Pam and resent the state of affairs in which smokers have NO rights and it seems as if it's teetering on the brink of illegality (which, more than anything else, makes me REALLY want a cigarette!). On the other hand it is imperative that smokers be COURTEOUS, and refrain in any situation where anyone will be bothered. I heard of some place in Michigan a while back that threatened to fire employees who smoked *in their own homes* - how 1984 is that?? In fact, I don't know what ever happened with that, as I think that's not constitutionally legal. I know the potential health problems, I have made the decision to enjoy a cigarette now and then. I feel sad that I...or anyone...can drink to the point of black-out legally, get a passle of DWI tickets and keep going. But we-who-smoke are looked upon as causing the damaged health of anyone within 100 feet of us. Having a cigarette won't cause me to drive the wrong way down an exit ramp, hit a van and wipe out a family. OK - I'm climbing off my soapbox. But Lyn? Save me a room in your smoker-friendly, cat-friendly, knitter-friendly nursing home. I'm already over 60!

Hi! me again, the bad blogger who posts more here than on her on page.

I grew up with a mother who smoked and when I was a teen I swiped some of her cigarettes because I had to know just what the attraction was. It wasn't peer pressure or to look cool, cause I hid it from my friends too. I probably smoked a cigarette a day (hiding in the apartment buildings back stairway) for 3 days. Then I shrugged my shoulders because I really didn't get anything out of it other than choked up and some alone time in the stairwell. The funny part is that about 10 years later I was in a stressful situation and out of the blue this voice in the back of my head said "Man I need a smoke". Amazing what the body can remember. I never doubted the addictive aspect of smoking after that.

I so wish I had the energy to read everyone else's comments about this one...but I am suffering from "live-too-close-to-the fireworks-show" and am going to keel over in 36 seconds...

Before I go...When I had a "c" word scare at 29, I decided right then and there I'd take up the rough and tumble "live hard and die young" attitude if it were true. False alarm.

But I did vow that if I made it that far, I'd take up doing all my old nasty little habits when I hit the big 6-0. I am a sick and twisted person at heart, I guess.

Wow, that took some scrolling to get way down here to post a comment :)

You go girl. Excellent idea to pause. Maybe that will work with me - my personal addiction is to sugar, which I am wholly convinced is a drug. I need to change the way I eat for my health's sake, but it's tough. Maybe if I pause it...

Yah, think about how much more "everthing" you can buy!
Dawny-dawn from Vancouver who's mommy and daddy smoked heavily all their lives. In high school I used to walk in to the kitchen with a diving mask on to do the dishes. It was the only thing I could think of to protect myself fom all the smoke. Everyone ignored my antics. I wanted a reaction! I was foiled.

I love you. I'm sending this link to hubby, and he'll love you too. I really need to quit, I know this. HRT and cigarettes do not mix. I understand this. I quit for a week after surgery, didn't even miss it, never even thought about it. I quit for two weeks recently, no problems with withdrawal at all, even with hubby smoking happily not five feet from me. I could handle it. Then we went out to dinner, had a beer and some really great steak, and all I wanted was the feel of that cig, the taste of it, the intimacy of him lighting it for me. I smoke less than ever, not even half a pack (only ever went up to 1/day, and that not often) and I completely and totally feel your pain on this. Thank you so much for saying everything I could never get my head around! Maybe I'll try pausing...tho 60 is still a long way away (she says after stopping to take a drag).

Hi Laurie, Congrats on pausing your smoking. My husband had a heart attack at 48 caused solely by smoking so he HAD to quit. I decided the only fair thing was for me to quit also. It would be too hard for him otherwise. So I did, cold turkey, without problem, except that, like you I did miss it. I missed something to do with my hands. I hadn't realized how much I counted on the smoking to kill the boredom. But then I started knitting again. Cheers, it's been 18 years last January.
Ann Carpenter, Dallas, Texas

Oh, well, how did you come to read my mind? Must be a kind of shared brains. Maybe a side effect of smoking :P
When the price of a packet (containing 24 pcs) climbed over 5 € (that´s $ 6,80) and I needed two a day, I decided to start hand-rolling my cigs and perhaps stop smoking out of sheer lazyness. But it all went wrong and I still hand roll my cigarettes.
I still smoke about 30 a day,and I should not do so, for I am a diabetic- my doc nearly shouts at me when he hears my lungs wheezing.
But, hey, I love the idea to pause... and I love the idea of the cat-loving, knitting-addict and smoker´s paradise for the old... maybe there should be some in Europe, too. Maybe in Spain. Or Russia. Or Paris :-)
You are great, Laurie.

LOL - your opening reminds me of someone who stopped going to AA because she got fed up with the preachy attitude. She finally stood up one day and said, "Maybe you're not drinking, but you're never without a cup of coffee every minute of every damned meeting. You're all addicted to caffeine." Then she walked out. Far as I know, she hasn't had a drink since, and that was about 15 years ago.

I'm a courteous smoker. I grew up in a non-smoking home, so I *know* what it's like for a non-smoker around cigarette smoke. But I'm definitely sick and tired of being a leper, and prices going higher and higher for a sin tax to get revenue the government spends on god knows what - while they preach to me against smoking. The hypocrites. Ok, if I can't smoke a cigarette outside my own home, then you can't use the taxes I pay on every pack for *anything* but universal healthcare - poor people first; howsabout that? Oh, and put some real effort into non-polluting fuels while you're about it. I don't own a car, and only take mass transit or a cab about 3x a month.

See, this is why I usually don't talk about this stuff. I start ranting. ;) If anyone feels a need to stop something, good for them. As long as I'm not blowing smoke in your face, just leave me alone, huh? It's kinda like freedom of religion, or politics. Live and let live. There are worse things I could be doing to my body. Now, are you upwind of me and several feet away while we're here outside? Let me check the wind direction. Ok. ::flick::

8760 - ugh, if that is how long you have until smoking, that is at least how long I have until retirement!

My mom, when asked, does not describe herself as an ex-smoker, but as a smoker who hasn't had a cigarette in about 20 years. I don't think she craves it anymore, but she said there were days when she had it down to seconds, as in 'I can put off having another for just 10 more seconds'. She also said she put on 12 pounds each time she quit, 24 pounds that never came off, so she wishes she could have stopped the first time.

Hate me, but one day I just quit and have never had any desire for another. Just lucky.

I SOOO know where you are at!.. I quit 15+ years ago. Oddly, my turning point was when I came out to San Diego to visit friends.. I felt like a leper, in all clubs and bars... I never realized how 'offending' it was to others in CA... I went back to CT with a different perspective..I would say for the 1st 5 years or so.. I DREAMED of them...I would wake up convinced that I had smoked the night before.. If only all dreams were that convincing!!!! :o)Like yourself, I do like me some wine...My idea of a relaxing night was a big ole glass of Kendall Jackson and a box of Marlboro lights. I still think back and smile... 'good times... goood times..'

That was a great entry! And you're so strong, which comes across throughout your blog. Good for you. I'll be rooting for you when you turn 60! =)

Sometimes it's through compromise that we make the best decisions and it's always better to do what works for you rather than nothing at all. Way to go. Besides, there are worse things than smoking in this world, believe me...

I loved smoking with all my heart. I quit my regular habit in college and I managed to keep it down to a cigarette-with-a-drink deal. Until I dropped out of my PhD program. Then it came back to me, with all the love and companionship only a smoldering stick of tobacco can provide when you're going through a stressful time. I only smoked one or MAYBE two a day, if it was a bad day, and I milked that vice for all it was worth. There was something so wonderful about going outside, by myself, to feel that buzz and relax. It was a moment to sit and observe in a way I didn't without a cigarette.

I quit completely, finally, New Year's Day 2005. I had nearly set my head on fire the evening before (there may have been alcohol involved) lighting a cigarette on the gas stove with a couple of other people. Fortunately Danielle slapped the flaming lock of hair out, and I walked around for the next 2 months with this one little tuft of hair above my right eye that stood straight up. It always reminded me of my New Year's Resolution that year. I haven't had a smoke since, and I have to tell you that it's gotten easier over time. I think if I went to Europe I'd have more trouble, because damn they make it look cool- sitting in an outdoor cafe with a cigarette and an espresso and some sort of sleek little dog lying at their feet and a fabulous scarf tied around their necks. I don't care what the anti-smoking campaigns say- smoking still LOOKS glamorous, especially in old movies.

Keep strong, you're doing a good thing for yourself. And if at 60 you decide to pick it up again, give me a call. We can throw on our Nora Charles gowns, have my husband mix us a few martinis and look glamorous together.

OMG.. you are SO me!!! I loved the smoking too (3 packs a day) got hypnotized to quit about 15 years ago .... but still love it. STILL to this day hold an unlit one when I drink. And just like you... gave myself permission to start again when I'm 60.. (well, at first I decided on 50.. but since I'm getting pretty close to that now.. figured I might as well hang out to 60 ::laughing::)

It's funny cus my dad stopped smoking when I was in 10th grade, after he got laid off. I remember being so excited, "You quit, you quit!" I said.
He looked at me long for a while and said, "No, I didn't quit."
"But, you stopped smoking!"
"Yes, I stopped. That doesn't mean that I won't smoke again. I just don't need to right now."
A few months later, his sister came to visit, and they had a smoke together on the front porch. I haven't seen him smoke since.
I know he does, once in a while, when the stress gets to him, but his attitude about smoking really made me reevaluate the whole "quit" stance. I think hitting "pause" is a lot easier than quitting forever, and you have the right to make that decision for yourself!

You go, girl!

I've never "quit" smoking, but I've "chosen not to smoke right now" for 17 years. I still want one every now and then. But I'm still choosing not to.

Only in America are "we" so worried about ... everything! 12 step for your wine problem? Puh-leeze! In my next life I'm going to be born in Europe where I can drink wine whenever without the whole world freaking out and have 6 weeks of vacation a year! That's what I'm talking about! Oh and if I enjoy a ciggie (though I don't know) big whoop!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE your "pause" theory! I swear, I think you have the healthiest outlook on things. Thank you for sharing with us!!!

I started smoking when I was 18 because I wanted my mom to quit. She never smoked in the house, so every time she would go out, I went with her, hoping that she would be so freaked that I was smoking that she would stop. DIDN'T WORK. We soon found that we had time to ourselves where we could really talk- mother/daughter bonding time.

I stopped when I was 25-one day I just lost the taste for them. Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Go figure. My husband was thrilled, we were having a baby and I no longer had "dragon breath". Well, turns out that our darling daughter died at birth. I couldn't handle the stress and grief and started smoking again. Didn't quit again until I was pregnant with #2. Actually, I was pretty sure I was pregnant, so I did the whole pee on the stick thing, then went outside for what I was pretty sure was my last cigarette, then came in to read the results.

That was six years ago. I haven't smoked since, but I still have the urge to. I dream about it, especially when I'm stressed. It was my little escape, where I could have time just to breathe and think all by myself. I miss that solitude.

I don't know if I'll ever start again (probably not, even my mom quit-last year she had a heart attack), but I still think about it.

BTW: I'm delurking here to tell you my story, and to thank you for a wonderful, witty, heartfelt blog.

I am another “bad” quitter, but I sincerely believe that each smoker has his or her own unique relationship with cigarettes and if they want to quit they have to do it on their own terms. I’d say it’s not even accurate to say I quit smoking, more like I changed my relationship with cigarettes. When I first quit almost three years ago I did not have a single puff for four months, the first two weeks I wanted to crawl out of my skin and felt like I had a low-grade flu. After that, it was my birthday and I was out drinking and I decided I wanted a cigarette. And I had one. And the world didn’t end. And I didn’t get up the next day and buy a pack and smoke the whole thing. Ever since I’ve had an occasional cigarette when I really want one. It kind of surprises me how seldom that actually is. But when I have one when I really want it, every time it feels like the best cigarette I ever smoked. I’m not saying it’s the healthiest thing, but to me it’s worth it and it works.

I'm right there with you. I paused smoking 6 years ago, and am also trying to hold out to a higher age number rolls around. Imagine... *wanting* to be older! That hasn't happened in years!

I plan on turning 75 with a case of beer, a carton of cigs, and a pool boy.

Mmmmm.... pool boy...

I know folks read what they are living, read into my life what they struggle with inside their own lives

God, that is so true. On the rare occasion that I've gotten mean comments from people it's usually got more to do with their own issues than anything to do with me.

I loved smoking too. But then the addiction took over and I hated having to feed the beast, but I did it anyways. Until my dad got lung cancer and they cut out part of his lung (thats what they do now if you catch it early enough). So get a chest x-ray next time your at the doctors. It may save your life- it did for him and I'm am so thankful.

Laurie,
I so loved smoking. I think about it all the time. Then I take a deep breath. Apparently that's one of the things we miss - the deep breaths. Also, I read that most successful smokers quit 7 times before it takes! If I am average, I have a couple more attempts in me yet. I am not smoking right now either. But if I get diagnosed with a terminal disease, I'm buying a carton. I wish I could smoke when I want to and not when the addiction wants me to, that was my biggest problem with smoking. Yeah and the coughing and wheezing and throat junk and the smell about me. So, we're not smoking right now.

Funny thing, I have never smoked, hate the smell of it -- which I can detect on somebody's clothing across a room, even when it is from somebody else's second-hand smoke -- and threaten my children with being disowned if I smell smoke on them, but in my dreams, I sometimes smoke!

I noticed that a pack of cigs now costs about $4 US. You can buy a lot of yarn for that amount of money, especially if you smoke a pack a day or more.

Good for you, I hope for the sake of your health that you have quit forever. I quit in June 1979; best thing I've ever done for myself. My dad died of smoking-related cancer, and now my former mother-in-law is also...after having part of her tongue and throat removed and now living with a feeding tube. I am a social worker for disabled and frail elderly adults, and I've gone through the dying process with many smokers. It's not pretty. So, here's to good health and living without cigarettes! (They stink and they are expensive, plus it supports a death industry.)

I've heard from folks giving up heroin and nicotine that the nicotine addiction is much harder to break. You go girl!

My mom had to quit for health reasons when she was 60, and famously said "I'm starting again when I'm 80." It's her 80th birthday in 2 weeks, and boy am I glad that she's around to see it. I still hope she *doesn't* start again though. I was sick a lot as a kid from the second hand smoke.

I enjoyed the act of smoking (ooh, so rebellious when I was 16/17!), but I didn't enjoy the smell of it, or the way that it seemed to cling to me all day.

Plus, my parents nearly killed me, so I don't smoke simply out of self preservation :)

My parents smoked (Mom still does, Dad died--not from smoking), my grandparents smoked, my brother smokes. My sister and I never did. I'm ok being around it most of the time as long as the place is well ventilated--otherwise I will develop a blinding headache. I know smokers feel persecuted--my mom does. I think any business owner should be able to choose whether his or her business allows smoking, period. If you choose to go there,or work there, you know what you're getting. I can avoid it, you can enjoy it.
When I hit 35, my doctor started taking chest x-rays as part of my physical. Apparently living in a smoke-filled home for 23 years, even though I never smoked, raises my chances for developing lung problems a good bit. "Pause" for your kids if you can, take it back up if you want when they have grown up. Let them make their own choices about what collects in their lungs.

And, good for you, Laurie!

Good for you, Laurie! Live for yourself, and do what makes you happy.

Happy "Pause day"!

Delurking to I love reading about your PRACTICAL and PERSONAL solution to your so-called "problem". And it all resonates so much!

We are a culture of extremes. (Ok, I'm Canadian, but we do share a culture. :-)) Obese or anorexic, alcoholic or teetotaller, smoker or non-smoker, bible-thumper or atheist, overachiever or lazyass - we define ourselves - and drive ourselves to insanity (literally, according to doctors prescribing Paxil and Prozac!)

What's wrong with dabbling?! My partner and I occasionally fret: are we alcoholics? Because we drink wine every day. Sometimes a glass, sometimes two, sometimes we split a bottle, on occasions of celebration (and admittedly we sometimes celebrate the fact that it's Thursday-almost-Friday), we'll uncork the second bottle... And on wine club night, well.

But we love wine. Any and all wine. So why beat ourselves up? It's not about being drunken, it's about enjoying a sensual pleasure. (The way we approach food is the same.)

So we accept that in others' view, or according to a doctor's chart we may "have a problem", but it's not a problem for us, it makes us happy, and we don't feel it's affecting our health (or are willing to accept this denial factor!) and we enjoy ourselves.

On smoking: I know EXACTLY what you mean about loving the "event" and feeling of having a cigarette! I don't actually smoke, though I have occasionally. And when I do, I truly enjoy the complete experience. Well, I'm ambivalent about the taste/smell, but it's the action, the notion, and the cultural romatic nostalgia that I momentarily get to participate in that is a true pleasure. I totally get that.

Lots of things will kill us these days; smoking a pack a day is only one of them (but gets the rap because it's such a known factor). But smoking one or two a day couldn't be any worse than a Coca-Cola addiction, could it? (Another argument in favour of wine consumption!) But being miserable and cut off from pleasure, and/or mentally stressed by rules, will do it as surely as "bad habits".

So I can only applaud your view of moderation, well-rounded healthiness customized to YOUR needs. Keep up the healthy striving, Laurie!

I tell ya, I completely understand the sentiment.

There's something... "romantic" about cigarettes. They calmed me when I was driving, the comforted me when I was depressed, they kept me awake when I was drowsy, they were everything at every moment.

I've been without a cigarette for 195 days, and there has not been a single day that I haven't wanted one.

It's brutal, especially considering that many of my friends still smoke around me every day. I don't need the nicotine (the permanent supply of caffeine surfing my red blood cells has a stranglehold on free space I'm sure).

It really is, though, like missing an old friend.

Ha ha! I definitely left a comment or two about your drinking, but it's the helpy psychologist in me. Being helpy is almost as addictive as nicotine!

As far as quitting smoking that's the best plan I've heard yet! I needed a different plan, and have been clean 4 1/2 years, but a girl has to do what works for her and it sounds like you're on the right course for YOU!

And now that cigarettes are like $5 a pack think of all those SHOOEESSSSS you can buy online with the money saved, and all the exercize you'll get lugging them home from work on the commuter bus!

Rock on CAP!!!

I feel the same way about smoking. I'll quit briefly and then there will be all sorts of caveats and needs to smoke 'just one more'. It's not a pack and a half a day or anything, but whenever I feel on edge which is like 17 times a week or when I'm drinking or something. Eventually, I'll really quit but for now that's just how it is.

And speaking of drinkin, I'm actually shocked that no one has yet to email me about my addiction to grey goose (or ketel one) and red wine. Again, that'll probably happen one day, but as of yet (knock on wood) nothing.

I stopped 10 years ago. I've never said I quit; I always say I stopped, leaving the door open to start again if I want/need to. Wish I'd thought of it when I was your age, you young whippersnapper, you. No matter ... I feel great and I'm glad I hit the pause button.

Mmmmm...thank you for this. I love that there is someone else out there that feels the same way I do about smoking. For me it's not just about how it smells or tastes, it's about having something that brings peace into my body and touches my soul in a subtle but profound way even if it is just for a few minutes a day.

I still have dreams about smoking too (haven't had one since probably 1990, and only then when I was drinking. I bet it's really funny to watch someone dreaming about smoking ... deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath in, pucker lips,
deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath out

I have never been able to quit a bad habit on a national "Quit-Something" day or to join a "Quit-Something" group or program. I have the sort of personality where if I decide to do something, it has to be under my own steam and for my own reasons.

I completely get it.

I don't smoke, but every now and then I get the urge, but mostly so I have a reason to take a break and be alone with my thoughts. And something to do with my hands while I do it.

Oh, wait. That's what knitting is for.

I don't know if you'll read this since there are like 160 replies before me, but that is exactly how I quit smoking, or I should say, paused smoking, 26 years ago. I had quit twice before but gone back to it when things got rough. So this time I told myself I was only quitting for a while - I could smoke again later on. And it worked. And I too have a plan to take it up again in old age. But since I'm 53 now, 60 is not old age so I'm aiming for 80. Also? I quit drinking my wine two years ago because of a (very small, thankfully) oral cancer - and that too I don't intend to be forever. That one I'm aiming more for starting again once I'm cancer-free for 5 years! Hmmm, I'll be 56 then, that's decent!

DH quit smoking over a year ago. He has been so unhappy. He knows it is a healthy thing to, to quit. But he is so sad. And I never really understood his sadness until I read your description of smoking as a spiritual craving. I wonder if I should share this with him...or will it just make him sadder?

Down here at the bottom of the comments I can tell you that this is the precise pact my husband and I struck.

When we turn 70, I can go tanning (oh the sheer skin frying joy - lurve) and he can smoke AS MUCH AS WE WANT.

Hey, it's a dream. Small, wreckless, distructive - but it's a dream, ok.

I like what Dagny said about meeting people. My office is completely like that--if I have a problem, I look around, and the first people that pop up for me are the smokers--not that a non-smoker can't help, but because the smokers are practically kin, I've known them longer and spent more time with them--I am comfortable with them.

I too, really, really love smoking. I have had a number of pauses in my smoking life, so I don't worry too much about it--I smoke for a couple of years, then pause for a couple of years, then maybe smoke again. My body tells me when it is quitting time, and I just do it, with hardly any physical withdrawal. We should all just listen to our bodies--some people should never, ever smoke. Some of us are maybe more rugged. I don't know.

My last pause was about 4 years long. I'm so casual about the smoke/not smoke thing that I never mark the date, never celebrate an anniversary of starting or stopping. It is just a thing that comes and goes. Just a personal thing. I don't remember the date I quit any more than I remember the date I decided to wear my hair short.

What I miss the most during the non-smoking times is definitely the social aspect of it--being with other people who also smoke. Strange how we are all so immediately friendly with one another--one shared habit makes us feel like we've known each other forever.

And there is something about being able to be alone with your cigarette, too, when you need a mental break. It is not easily replaced during the pause times--of course, I EAT!

This was a great post.

I crave cigarettes right now...which I haven't usually, but I am pregnant and it is the only thing I crave. Talk about wanting the thing you can't have....

I feel this exact same way about wine. Only, I'm only giving it up for this next week after having been on vacation in a small town in Alabama where there was nothing to do but drink wine until we left there.

Well, drink wine AND visit Columbus, Mississippi so I could go to Yarns Downtown. I had a little accident there with my debit card. It was worth it. I knew you'd approve.

Well...Its like this. I've never smoked. Seriously. Not ANYTHING. Not cigs, not pot, not cornsilk, nuffin'. So I cant really say anything about stopping.
I'll tell you though. I have enough friends that smoke to be able to say, Good Job!

What is UP with Americans and their extreme prissiness about alcohol? I can't believe you get e-mails telling you you're an alcoholic. Seriously, I've never met such a puritanical breed when it comes to enjoying the odd glass of wine. Here in the UK, drinking is the national hobby. Of course, that's not all good, but you're a lot weirder if you don't drink than if you do.

Honestly, some people.

Good for you on the pausing - I've got a friend who's a natural born smoker, and she's just waiting for her kids to grow up and go to college before she starts again.

You are one smart cookie!

I am so with you on this! I stopped smoking more than five years ago, and have said from the day I stopped that I would start again when I was older. I figure by then, it'll be like I never smoked in my life, so how much damage could I possibly do?

Also, your post REALLY made me want a cigarette.

Laurie, I made the same deal with myself last year! That's hilarious! Except I'm going start tanning too. When I'm 60 I am smoking and tanning.

4 Weeks smoke free today - I get it - I really really get it. I'm so glad someone can put into words what I thought was crazy and strange.

congrats on the pause. i "paused" for almost 13 years - till my divorce! then i just ran over to my son's (!) house, and grabbed one of his smokes. i've been in "un-pause" now for 5 years, but i figure i gave myself a bit more time. in all those 13 years, i never got to where i didn't want one, dream of one, etc. you'd think if they wanted us to quit, they'd come up with something to help us. you know they can if they wanted to. pause for as long as you can. when you're ready, let me know and i'll bring the wine!

Taking a break, I much prefer to think about it that way rather than quitting. Quitting sounds so negative, like you've been defeated. "OK I give up I quit..." I'm on a break now, about 6 weeks. Every day I think I am going to go insane. Nicotine gum helps, but its the physical getting it out of the pack, sticking it in that nice gap that developed in my lip (oh yeah, take a close look in the mirror), cupping my hands lighting the lighter and inhale deeply and exhale....And then the situational... ok sock one finished lets go have a smoke - crap... ok start sock 2... > I'm on pair 15...

I just got a chance to read this Laurie, Thank You!
My secret (22 days now) was that I fasted (very controversial master cleanse) and used the food lust to mask the cravings for nicotine.
(I lost weight instead of gaining it, and after breaking the fast, ended up at the same weight as before I began)
I, too, am a passionate lover of smoking and have to remind my near 30 year old self that the bad things are coming if I keep it up.
For today I focus on the smell of my hair and my clothes (I'm still "regenerating" healthy lung capacity eeewww), but I smell much nicer than my stale smoke friends do. So I feel prettier.
For the next decade I focus on the wrinkles I'm saving myself, and hope that I'm actually keeping my insides tidy and functioning.
But, I'm now quite looking forward to a Parisian vacation at 60....
I'd be down to have a "paused-smoker" meet-up in Paris when you turn 60. I picture us all looking fabulous with our favorite brands, our secret best friend, reunited in the city of lights.

*I just read an article in "Skunk" magazine - not an exceptionally popular publication in this crowd - which addressed the "good" effects of tobacco smoking. Such as decreased anxiety in patients with nervous disorders, and that although smokers are more likely to have a heart attack, they are also more likely to survive a heart attack. I can't find a link to the article on their site, but I showed it to my smoker housemate who laughed and said "see? I told you so", as she lit up.

Me too. I *heart* my cigs. And for those who cant understand or stomach even the smell, that's because you don't smoke. Its like some one who's not hooked on meth not understanding the pull of the addiction. Fortunatly, I dont smoke a pack a day like a I used to, but still. I doubt I will ever quit. I love the taste, the feel of it in my hand, its a security blanket. I love the head rush that comes with the first morning smoke.

I gave up smoking 5 years ago - it was so hard. I smoked off and on for 20 years, but I had to go on hormones to regulate my cycle and it was either 1) chance having a stroke or 2) give up smoking, so I gave it up. I loved it too, and I don't think I was ever addicted to the nicotine - I just loved the whole process of smoking a cigarette - every bit of it, including the fact that my then-husband disapproved.
And now I really hate it - I don't think I'll ever go back because I never felt this way when I 'paused' before. I always wanted one desparately when I was stressed or when I drank. Now, I hate the smell, I hate walking through other people's smoke, I hate the smell of it on other people around me even when they aren't smoking. Maybe someday, I'll permanently rid myself of my food addiction too. I guess there is hope.

Good for you for pausing. Your plan reminds me of my plan for taking a helicopter tour of Kauai - not until I'm 65, because by then I've lived a good life and it's not a big deal if we crash into the jungle. Plus, my grandkids can say "oh, my grandmother died falling out of a helicopter into the ocean." Pretty awesome, if you ask me. :)

I smoked for a long time and loved it. Quit almost 5 years ago and have reached the point where most days, I don't think of it. Then there are the days where I follow a smoker down the street (in an entirely non-creepy fashion), inhaling the remnants floating in the air, loving the second-degree hit.

Recently, for reasons to long and irrelevant to get into here, I bought a pack of cigarettes and the ritual of opening it? Taking off the cellophane and pushing open the pack was an instant flashback. The first whiff of tobacco felt like coming home and made my knees weak. Then I tried holding one and that's when I called a friend who lives down the hall (and who smokes) and told her to come get the pack NOW and I've been missing it all over again since. I have come to realize that I cannot ever again go anywhere near a cigarette because I will apparently always be an ex-smoker, never a non-smoker.

Or maybe I'll start again when I'm 60. ;)

Yeah, If it weren't for the premature aging and cancer thing, I NEVER would have quit. In fact, if it weren't for that I bet loads more people would pick it up.

Also--my condolences about Roy--that's always a tough one.

how utterly refreshing to see someone admitting that they enjoy smoking!

Glad to see someone else in the 60th BDay smoking club. I am also abstaining until I turn 60. I plan on getting a carton of camel lights and a big bottle of gin. I have a friend who is only waiting until she is 50. I am jealous of her.