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July 6, 2007

Houston, we have an infestation.

It started out innocently enough. Everyone but everyone knows I cannot keep any garden plants alive unless they are cactus or cactus relations, or weeds, and anyway once it reaches the fiery temperature of hell in my backyard everything up and withers away, lost dreams for yet another gardening season.

If I am being completely honest here, that is always the best part of summer. I can shrug and blame all the dry crackling leaves on Nature, and just stop pretending I am gardening and instead lay in the inflatable kiddie pool on the weekends with a cold beer and read a book and occasionally look around at what used to be the garden.

This is my plan and has been my plan every year thus far EXCEPT THIS YEAR. This year no matter what I do (or more accurately, do NOT do, such as water, fertilize or even look their way) the zucchini KEEP GROWING. They are in fact growing as I write this, morphing into huge green phallic monsters and they are knocking on the back door and saying, "Let me in, lady!" and frankly ya'll, they scare me.

I think they are staging an insurrection. I think they are plotting with the appliances and the light switches and something untoward will be happening at any moment, demands from an angry and rather enormously fat army of overgrown squash zealots.

They are in the fridge:

They are in the toaster oven:

They are in my knitting bag:

They are in the bathroom sink:

They are in the cat baskets, so Frankie has nowhere to rest her very annoyed furry self:

They are in the chair Roy likes to nap in:

They are also in his crinkle cave, taking over all his soft napping spots:

They are in fact surrounding Roy at all times, since everyone loves Roy, including the creepy gadzukes:

They are in my sock drawer:

They are everywhere except the treadmill, because no one wants to exercise in this heat including even the garden vegetables.

Ya'll. I am only one woman. I cannot handle this amount of vegetation. Send help. Send wine. SEND A FRY DADDY AND SOME HUSH PUPPY MIX.

Your pal,
Infested By Gadzukes

P.S. Thank you for the concern, yes the peppers are still alive! They are small and have provided no peppers thus far but are indeed alive. They are probably getting an inferiority complex from the squash.

Posted by laurie at July 6, 2007 10:27 AM