« O Canada! | Main | Can a purse be TOO BIG? »

May 30, 2007

Perils of mass transportation revealed!!!

Since I went out on a limb and recommended the online shoe store Zappos.com to all ya'll, I thought that the most honest and morally upstanding thing I could do would be to place an order and MAKE SURE that this establishment was the quality, service-oriented place I said they were. Just in case, you know, they had maybe stopped being a good shopping experience since my last Zappos.com purchase of two-point-five weeks ago.

So I did what all extremely dedicated journalists do and I posed as an Average Jane Consumer and went undercover and searched through pages and pages of boots and sandals and wedge-heeled pumps and made some purchases. As a quality control experiment, of course.

Because I am a giver, you know. I got your back. And your shoes.

So, in the name of "journalism" and also "poor fiscal management this whole month long" I got a GIANT box delivered to my office, full of shoes and love and goodness and I was so! freaking! excited! because even though I totally do not have the money for these shoes, I am going to try writing them off as a business expense since ... since everyone knows you need shoes for... like... if you don't have kids or something it counts, right? when you buy shoes instead of children? anyone? Bueller?

And I tried on my shoes in the office and made my boss tell me if he thought my sandals were too Zena Warrior Princess for the office, to which he replied, "Are we really going to have a conversation about your shoes and also where is that logo I asked for ten minutes ago?" And I said something about "but you have a WIFE, you should understand the IMPORTANCE of shoes." And then I got back to work because getting fired is so not good for the zappos, and then I forgot all about my Giant Box until it was time to go catch the bus.

Um, oh yeah. I take the bus ya'll.

I like taking the bus. It is the biggest bullet point on my "I Will Marry Al Gore One Day" resume. So taking the bus has its merits (Hi Al, call me!) and I usually have no big issues with my bus because I am not, say, carrying the box the size of a Toyota Prius. I only ordered three (gasp) pairs of shoes, but one pair came in a bootbox and three is an odd number so they shipped everything together in one HUGE-O box and I tried to find some other method of transport for my footwear other than the GIANT Zappos box but there was nothing close by and I was about to miss the bus so I just decided to pretend it was the most normal thing ever to hoist an enormous cardboard box of shoes on the bus.

It doesn't look that big here, but trust me. Big.

Yes. Well. All was fine and dandy until the people at the bus stop saw me and started laughing. And pointing. And making jokes. Everyone's a comedian, I tell you what. "Hey, if you go broke and homeless from all the shoe-shopping at least you can live in the box!" and "How many feet do you have at home?" har har. Ya'll are just SO DAMN FUNNY.

One of the guys was totally perplexed.

"WHY would you buy so many shoes? At one time?"

"Because they were on sale and cute and I love them and they make me happy."

"But you only have two feet." Clearly this guy did not have a wife or he would know this was a futile conversation. I humored him.

"Yes," I said. "I only have two feet, but I use them all day and must clothe them 365 days a year or else I'll end up like Britney walking barefoot in a gas station. I'm Southern for goshsakes! You know how hard it is to get folks to take me seriously as it is? So I have to stay vigilant on the footwear front at all times or I'm five minutes from pulling a Britney. Do you want that? I mean really? Is that what you want?"

And he just stopped that line of questioning real quicklike. Hee.

So then I got on the bus and the bus driver, Comedian #47, said, "Oh! Maybe I will have to charge you extra, a whole seat for your SHOES young lady!" and we all laughed, har har, except I was sort of wishing I had driven that day, Al Gore and all.

Finally I got to the bus stop and got in my Jeep, and my box was on its way home, where it belonged, where the cats got to appreciate its enormity and I got to try on all my shoes and once and for all again bury the notion that a redneck is contractually obligated to be barefoot or pregnant. We are often sans kidlets and quite well-shoed, thankyouverymuch!

It was dark by the time me and all my shoes got home.

Posted by laurie at May 30, 2007 7:05 AM