Thank you for that.

You can do it. It will be scary, and then it will have been great, and you will be glad you went! I promise.

Great post!

Thank you Laurie. You have no idea how appropriate your post today is for me.

Boy did I need to read this today...I have hit all time high and must find my own path to peace with the body. Thank you so much for sharing.

Amen, sister. Have a ball on your trip!!!

"I would also like to say I stopped praying to God with swear words but you know ... work in progress."

I'm working on that too! Ha ha! Let me know how that goes.

You are such a gifted writer! I'm glad you've written a book and I hope you have the opportunity to write many more. You have something to say that I want to hear. Have a great trip and keep on keepin' on!

You are wonderful, inside and out and you write beautifully! I was enraptured reading this post. I wish I could write even half that well! I say again, you are wonderful!! Thank you for sharing yourself with us, we are better for it.

Have a terrific holiday!

I think that somewhere along the line, what has been lost in size from your hips has gone directly to even further expand the goodness of your heart and soul... I wonder if you have any idea how meaningful this post will be to so many of us... how inspirational it is... how much so many of us are feeling exactly the same things you are in our struggles with self-image... and what an incredible inspiration you are to all of us.

You go girl... :-)

The thing is to find someone who adores you just the way you are, whatever size that may be, and to hell with anyone who doesn't appreciate the many wonderful aspects of you (or any of us). Being at peace with your size helps, too--a lot of it is pure genetics and we spend years of our lives starving and being miserable until we get too tired and just STOP. If it's any consolation, most men really do like something to grab hold of, and consider skinny women about as comforting as a pile of coat hangers!

My first husband was always obsessed with my size, at the time I was really quite thin but we divorced and he tried to rekindle a romance with me almost 20 years, and 40 lbs, later and there was no way I was going back down that road, especially when he said he'd split with his longtime girlfriend because she'd gotten fat.....like I needed another go-round with the Body Police!

Yup, that naked co-worker dream is a familiar one...you just want to crawl under your desk for awhile.

I think you're getting to the point where you're realizing its not about fat or skinny but about how you feel about yourself. Skinny people hate their bodies too - I think all women do...we all want to have someone else's body, because surely there's a better one than what we've got, right? The best body is a happy bad - skinny or fat, it doesn't matter!

Yes! Yes! Yes! So many of us have been there. Your words are so inspirational. Thank you

Beautiful and brilliant.

I wish I hadn't been reading this at work, because then I could sit here and let myself do the sobbing that this essay has inspired in me.

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've never been on Atkins, but when I was 16 I gave up chocolate for a year. And I had vivid dreams that candy bars and hostess cupcakes and fudge poptarts were floating around my head, and I ate them and then woke up scared and ashamed of myself, and then completely relieved when I realized it was just a dream and I was still "good."

I know all about the blaming the fat for things that I'm just really too darn scared to try.

I guess what I'm trying to say is "thank you" for writing this. You so rock! :o)

Laurie, you rock! never forget that!

So well said Laurie, have a great time, we're all rooting for you.

P.S. Often you can find EF on sale at discount stores and on the web, now that you know your EF pants size you're good to go! I wear mine with Spanx and cowgirl boots ;)

Laurie, you must get out of my head. :-) I'm a fat girl too, with absolutely no idea what size I really am. When I go shopping everything I think will fit me is either too big (on top) or way too small (on the bottom.) Of course the women's clothing industry with its completely inconsistent sizing doesn't help matters any. But you know what? I love food. I love to cook it and boy do I love to eat it. It's been the one thing I could always count on to be there for me. I work on making healthier choices and watching portion sizes, but the bottom line is that I just can't do the diet thing or I too dream of carbs - and huge, chocolatey desserts. Oh, wait, I do anyway. ;-)

Thank you for putting words to all these crazy feelings. And I love your cat stories too. Someday I too may be smart enough to put captions on my cat pix, but that day is not today. Actually I'd be happy if I could just motivate myself to update my blog more than twice a month. It's good to have goals, right? :-)

Have you ever read Good In Bed by Jennifer Weiner? It's the best fat girl book I've ever read. Even better than In Her Shoes.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us! You touch so many people every time you write.

I can't think of anything eloquent to say in response to your post ... so how about short and sweet: Yep, been there. Yep, ditto. Yep, constant battle with the emotions and the weight. And thanks for making me feel not alone!

Thanks! You're an exellent writer.
Have a lovely trip!

You brought tears to my eyes, and I am not a cryer. What an inspiration you are.

Very wonderfully put, I've been going through a somewhat similar process myself for the last two years and have felt much the same way for as long as I can remember. It's so reassuring that my crazy fears and ordeals are shared by someone I look forward to reading every day!

I know I am supposed to say how proud I am of you, or how you are so talented at writing, or a million other "appropriate" things but I won't. I will say I fucking love you. Your rad. I will also say Get out of my head and stop reading my mind. Reading your blogs, prevents me from writing, because I feel the same sturdy satisfaction after I read something like this, as I would if I went to write myself. So your terrible for my writing, but wonderful for me.

Laurie, I love your entries on your body image/issues/weight loss/whatever. They make me feel a little less crazy and a little more like change is possible. I am so thrilled that you're feeling better about yourself, since that's what counts, really... I hope your next book is about being sturdy happy and proud. :)

Laurie, I love this post and am forwarding it to every woman I know! During my divorce after a 16 year marriage I lost 25 lbs in 6 weeks and I was 108 and my doctor said if I went down three more pounds I was going to the hospital. I had a friend call and ask me what was wrong as she had just seen me and, and, and, then she burst into tears. She didn't know about the separation and she thought I had cancer -- that's how bad I looked after 6 weeks.

But my ex (still husband at the time) kept telling me how great I looked since I had lost "all that weight". I am 5'5" and I weighed 130 lbs. All that weight indeed. (Insert bad word here.)

People are all messed up about weight. Although I've never been overweight, I have gone thru a divorce, been extremely underweight as a result, had a slight social alcohol issue and a manic chain smoking habit -- and let me tell you, healthy is better than skinny. In my eyes, size 0 sucks. When I finally got divorced, quit drinking vodka for breakfast, and quit smoking I gained all the weight back, and now I walk in the mornings and eat as well as I can and enjoy my life.

I am strong and sturdy and happy too! And when you've been thru the hell we've been thru -- well that's the most amazing thing ever!

Oh yeah ... and the co-worker dream? ditto on that too ... oh god ... that sucks.

Thanks for writing about dieting. Last year I went on my first diet ever, counting calories till I dropped, depriving myself of everything I wanted, I know that there's a way to stop, but sometimes I feel that the only way to get back in control is the Diet. But it's not, and I am only using it as a crutch. Thanks for sharing.

Laurie, I adore you! You do look beautiful in those Stitch n Pitch pictures! You look great! You are so brave! I love reading your blog because I see a lot of my own thoughts and feelings here and watching you grow and figure it all out is really inspiring!

Wow. I did the Atkins and dreamt of bread (all kinds) and petted my bread machine *a lot* during that insane 4 weeks.

And I have a recurring (oh yes, once every few months) inappropriate coworker dream. Same dream, same coworker - good thing we get along otherwise it might be extremely uncomfortable. You're no more weird than the rest of us.

And btw, congrats on trying to find peace with yourself and the way you're built. The only way I could do it was to give my scale the heave-ho on my 40th bday this year...and I'm doing just fine without it.

I was a size 4 before I got pregnant with my first kid and I thought I was huge. Now I am a size 10 and I love how I look. Of course, I still have bad days, but as soon as I let go of the "ideal" body image and stopped mentally competing with the rest of the world, I started truly seeing myself as beautiful. You don't look fat to me. You look beautiful too.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Beautiful. This post and you.

Oh....I just want to hug you. I have a few extra pounds myself, and my husband always struggles with his weight. And can you imagine all the shallow people that I meet who keep asking me why I am still with him (because he has gained alot since we met). IT IS BECAUSE I LOVE WHO HE IS. Not what he is. I can't emphasize that enough.

I would have laughed my a** off if my date brought up that subject. Sounds to me like your dates and ex-husband are too uptight.

I think we have gotten too far away from enjoying food and loving ourselves in this country. Your no-diet diet is all about lifestyle changes and being happy. That is most important; not obsessing over food. I am trying to do the same thing. I don't eat alot of fries, but I do have a few every now and then to satisfy the craving. My mom is a nurse, and she says the side effects of Atkins are horrible for your health in the long run!

Thank God for you, Laurie.

Oh....I just want to hug you. I have a few extra pounds myself, and my husband always struggles with his weight. And can you imagine all the shallow people that I meet who keep asking me why I am still with him (because he has gained alot since we met). IT IS BECAUSE I LOVE WHO HE IS. Not what he is. I can't emphasize that enough.

I would have laughed my a** off if my date brought up that subject. Sounds to me like your dates and ex-husband are too uptight.

I think we have gotten too far away from enjoying food and loving ourselves in this country. Your no-diet diet is all about lifestyle changes and being happy. That is most important; not obsessing over food. I am trying to do the same thing. I don't eat alot of fries, but I do have a few every now and then to satisfy the craving. My mom is a nurse, and she says the side effects of Atkins are horrible for your health in the long run!

Wow. Thanks so much! I needed this today like you wouldn't believe. And I love when it comes from unexpected places like my "knitting blog list", not my "weight loss blog list".

I had a very similar first date experience a while back. I was at my 'thinnest' - about a size 12. We were in a sports bar and a commercial for the Dukes of Hazzard movie came on. I made a comment about how I thought Jessica Simpson had gotten a little too thin for that movie - that I thought she was much cuter when she had some curves. And the guy says "No way. She's hot now. She was kind of a porker before."

I got an "emergency" call from a friend not too long after that comment and had to cut our date short!

What a fabulous post. And again, you are blogging my life in a much more betterer way than I do.

This made me laugh out loud: "I would also like to say I stopped praying to God with swear words..."

Sometimes those are the best prayers. No pretense. No politeness. Real. Don't be afraid to be really you in that relationship.

you're me! that's how I feel. Wow! you put words to a feeling (fear) that I could never really explain to myself. thank you. I don't know what to say. I feel like you're a really close friend and I don't even know you, Laurie. :)

Thank you. This post made a huge difference to me today. I can't say how much I needed to hear this. Thank you!

God bless friends like Faith!!

Question - does Mr. X know you write this blog? and does he read it? Happiness and Success are the greatest revenge against those who've hurt us. I've always wanted my Ex to know I've moved on and found Happy. I hope yours knows how incredibly amazing and wonderful and valuable you are and that he is one stupid putz for letting you go!

Have a GREAT TRIP!

I. You will find someone who loves your magical qualities. "I want to date an 18 year old" is not him.
II. funny how the 'control' you gained didn't give you the result you wanted. It's funny how it doesn't work that way.
III. Good for you and your non-atkins self! congratulations on that success. And your hair is beautiful. Don't let it fall out!

but it's good that you aren't with him anymore. You're not a putz for not being with him. You did good. He did bad. You know. phew...

Thank you for continuing to share with us. You may feel shy and "not good enough", but it takes a lot of courage to put all this out there. You are so inspirational, as all these comments can attest.

Best of luck on your trip!

I am so proud of you Laurie
Strong,sturdy,and happy.....AMEN SISTER...

You are going to have an awesome time in NY, can't wait to hear about it...

There are so many differences between you and me, Laurie (age, marital status, Yankeeness, one cat), but that one magic word that unites us is *control*. We've both been bludgeoned with the fact that we don't have it, and I've barely skimmed the comments but I'll bet you Bill Gates's daily coffee money we're far from alone.

And that's why self-help books are such a huge industry: come right down to it, not one of us chickens is driving the bus, and we can't stand it. So we have 10 steps to financial freedom and 7 habits of highly effective people and 28 days to a thinner you.

But I digress. Have a fantastic time, enjoy, and did you know there are some awesome restaurants in New York? Please drink really good coffee and eat something chocolate for me, I am on the Diet From Hell (not for weight loss, for plumbing problems).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

Have you seen this?

Been there, been there, been there. Am still there, but (like you) am working on it slowly, with conscious thought into (almost) every bite I take. Recently, my SIL lost a lot of weight and commented that her size 6 pants were "two sizes too big!" She is skin and bones. Her ass looks like an 8 year old's. She has no figure whatsoever. I told my husband I was concerned that she was losing too much weight and she didn't need to lose any more. He responded that he thought she looked "Great! She's always been THIN!" I was mad at him for days, but wouldn't tell him why. If he thinks someone who's 5'9 and probably weighs 120 lbs. looks "Great!", then I can only imagine what he thinks of me. I stopped changing clothes in front of him. I'm just so sick of our society idolizing waifish, dangerously-thin women, instead of health and vitality. I'm glad you're being smart and sharing your story! :o)

LAURIE!! I am SO loving you, so proud of you - I brag on you. "Yeah, you should read what my friend Aunt Purlie wrote about...." Calling you *my friend* is a huge ego trip for me. I think the not-dieting is the best way to get healthy, which is way more important than getting skinny (which usually isn't truly healthy anyway); loving one's own company and independence can wind up with meeting your Perfect Complement too. Loved your post today more than I can say. I'm at work - when I get home (and DH fixes my broken wireless {sobbing briefly} I'll print it out.

Also - I'm not a bread eater. If I can't get out of it (like it's holding up my tuna salad) I eat it, but nevermind the basket of rolls thenk yew. EXCEPT during Passover when I have truly obscene full-color scented dreams of Parker House rolls dripping in melted butter. Oy.

What a wonderful entry. I recently lost a significant amount of weight. I'm wearing sizes I haven't worn since junior high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy with the weight loss, but it's not the same feeling I thought it would be. Lots of people keep telling me how great I look now, and I know they say it as a compelement but it makes me feel wierd and awkward. It embarasses me. I try to avoid answering them when they ask "So how did you do it?".

The real kicker is that even though I reached my goal, the high has worn off and I've started looking at myself in the mirror and thinking "Well actually another ten or fifteen wouldn't hurt." So, I guess what I'm saying is, you're right. Being thinner won't magically make you happy and more confident, like I always thought it would.

Thank you for this post. Here I was, enjoying a quiet day off and talking myself out of going to exercise, because I only lost an inch and a half the past month! I was thinking "Why bother?" It wasn't doing much good and crazy people I once went to church with were flaming me on my own blog and I just couldn't deal with it because they must not have ever liked me because I'm fat.

Then I read this and am getting ready to leave to go work out. Thanks for the motivation and the reminder that it is not about the number on the scale. It's about how healthy we are and how we feel about ourselves.
Have a safe and wonderful trip, Laurie.

Laurie:

Your words are so true. I wish they could get to a wider forum so more women/girls could read them. I have a teenaged daughter, and I spend a lot of energy showing her how unwell those 98 pound models really look. "You can see her ribs, do you think that looks healthy?". We don't even have an operational scale in the house. If we take the words "fat" and "skinny" out of our vocabulary, and substitute "healthy" we would be much better off. By the way, my mother delights in giving me clothes that are too big for her (I'm a size 12 or 14 or something), then telling me how fat she is. How is MY self esteem?

I too went through a divorce and took two kids with me. Did my best to stay up on my feet without them buckling from the immense mourning of what "could have been". After two years I was happier, healthier and gained a huge amount of confidence. (I found out my ex-husband was cheating with a teeeeeeny tiny itty bitty little thing....... knocked me on my ass!). I can now say that I'm so glad my ex cheated. It was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. His evil character was exposed and there were no more lies he could tell. Why would I want to mourn him?

You'll figure this out for yourself very soon and when you do, you'll want to seek your Mr. X out and thank him. I promise!

Now, I have found a sugar pie of a husband and have a two year old baby girl. Love happens in unexpected places!

These are the kind of posts I love, because I can knit and read! No pesky photos, just pages of good, quality writing. This is why we like you.

Personally, I think you're fabulously beautiful. Of course, I'm same-sex inclined, but I know there are tons of other men out there who must feel the same way about you who *aren't*. And, of course, there's no reason for you to even consider measuring your self-worth by my or anyone else's standards. Which you obviously know and which you so aptly demonstrated by your response to Mr. 18 Year Old.

PS, I'm an ex-knitter and a chubby guy who has gone through some of what you've described above. Thanks for being and sharing!

You are a true inspiration. Thank you.

That was really, really beautiful. You know what? I have very similar feelings. You've met me, you know by normal standards I wouldn't be considered "fat". But even though I know it's crazy, I use that word inside my head, because I'm 15 pounds over the weight I'd like to be (which isn't the same as "healthy") and because I don't like my body. I think probably I never really did, but now that I'm middle-aged I'm realizing it. So reading what you wrote is such a help for me and other women whose body issues might be different on the surface, but are really the same.

Oh, and the coworker dream ... no, that's not weird. What would be weird is if that never happened. Supposedly, if you don't have any real-life attraction to that person, the dream means that person has some quality that you would like to have yourself. (There's an out for you!)

You speak my life and say the things I think and feel and I'm terrified that I will never find my place in the sun the way you have. Thank you for being you and being able to share these things. Have a great trip!

Thank you, Auntie. ♥

1) "But there is no control. Control is just an illusion."
2) "They are not evil, they are fries."

How much happier we would all be if we remembered these things.

Laurie, you are a wonderful, sexy, amazing woman who makes all of us laugh, cry and think on a daily basis.

And remember, ICD (inappropriate coworker dreams) are SOO much better than actually sleeping with said coworker.

Please update us on "youse" New Yawk plans...

Well, at least you got a great story out of the um, awkward date. Halleluja! Someone else has had one of those dreams! I feel so vindicated. And so much less guilty. I had a kiss dream once about a new hire (it stopped there), and it made all future encounters with this person intolerable. It was even worse some years later, after he wasn't a "new hire" anymore and I actually got to know him and COULDN'T STAND him. Yucccckkk!!

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. I get so disappointed in myself by regaining those 65 lbs I'd lost 5 years ago. When I do go walking, which I should do more often since I actually enjoy it, I think to myself..."My life is pretty wonderful. My biggest problem is that I have too much too eat." Hmmm, as problems go, not bad at all. I love your attitude about diets. I like my food and booze too much to give them up, but moderation I can do.

People are weird. I know I am.

I don't have fat to blame my social awkwardness on. Just a bit of a mommy belly and hips, but hey, I spent nine months and labour earning those. I am just scared of saying something redneck and insulting or laughing really loud in public just as everything goes silent.

A-men, sister. Life is about learning, and I'd say you are doing a damn good job. Have a wonderful trip.

fantastic post. The whole thing: the realisation of his expectations, the dreaming about food (man I have been there and I never want to go back - nothing like an eating disorder to make you freezing and bitchy all the time because you are STARVING) and then ultimately, of course, the realisation that most of it is in our heads, not on the scale or in the dressing room. Body image is tough, and a realistic view of your own body ... I don't know if it'll ever happen for me. And I've never been overweight by any standards, just messed up about thinking that at 5'7", I should weigh the same as Kate Moss. 105 pounds. Right? Right?

my darling fiance took a sweet picture of me sleeping nekkid atop the covers. When I first saw it I ... almost didn't recognize myself, except the tattoo and the cats around me made it pretty obvious. And then my next response was: Mom is wrong. I'm not too skinny. I'm not too fat. I'm perfect.

(then in yoga ten hours later I wondered if maybe my thights looked a little chubby ...then I reminded myself of the picture. It's a constant struggle, but I think I'm finally starting to win more ground than I lose.)

Wow, it scares me how similarly we think, about feeling too scared to go into the world b/c you feel fat. But at the same time it's comforting to know that I'm not the only person who has felt that way. I really try to be happy w/ my body, but then there are moments when i'll catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and it all goes to the crapper. Thanks for sharing your struggles. You really are an inspiration.

After all this time, I really shouldn't be amazed at how brilliant and funny and cool you are (you would think I'd know by now...) But I am still awed by you - and your ability to be honest and inspiring and beautiful and self-depricated and self-confident all in one big breath. I am so happy for you that you are in a happier place. Also, I'm so happy for all of us not size zero girls because of what you said to your date. You are so cool. ;)

And if you find a few spare minutes and want to, stop by my blog. I recently had a run in with the police while dying yarn. http://okwhatnext.blogspot.com/2007/05/my-run-in-with-law.html

You rock!

Thanks for writing all that down. I'm really glad that you are able to be honest with the Internet and with us, but most importantly with yourself about this issue. It's something that almost everyone has trouble with.

We'll keep reading and supporting you- please keep writing about how it goes!

Every darn time I have a crisis of faith you do a post like this and I am humbled. I go to sleep each night and pray that I will be 75 pounds less in the morning...needless to say that never happens. I check my abdomen to see if it is flatter then last night...was that a hip bone that I felt? I want all of this without doing the work. Even just breathing...I seem to struggle to do that at times. Thanks for helping me to breathe.

How very eloquently you put what so many of us feel. I'm much fatter on the inside than I usually am on the outside. It's taken me many years to realize I'll never be skinny or even thin but I can be strong and healthy instead. I've learned not to always obsess about food and instead to enjoy smaller portions of larger varieties. But still, sometimes I just have to sit down and eat a bag of chips. A whole bag. Hey, we're only human.

You look wonderful, you're bright and funny and just drop kick those loser guys to the sidewalk. If they can't see how great you are they don't deserve you!

I'm always amazed how you can put into words what a lot of us feel. It is so refreshing to hear the thoughts going on inside other heads and realize we are all struggling and learning in our own way.

Can you believe?
I can and will.

Please oh please can you or anyone tell us how to do it? How do you let it go? 30 years of dieting and self hate and all it got me was 425lbs and an inability to walk, stand or breath. Thankfully I've come to a healthier place simply by taking my life back and trying to live a mindful life, but I feel there is one more switch to be flipped. How do you really let it go? Cause i'm beyond tired.

WOW. What a great post. I've battled weight (and all those AWESOME emotional issues) my entire life, and it's funny how for so long I felt so isolated and alone, but since I've started blogging, and reading other blogs, I've realized that there are more people like me than are not -in ALL shapes and sizes. Thank you for writing
this.

Laurie,
You are fantastic! I love you so much even though we've never met. You are such a wonderful person with magnificent way with words. Thank you for saying what many of us can't say. Have a wonderful trip!!

First of all, how kick-ass are you to have responded to that first-date dude *in the moment*?! Super kick-ass! This could've been a situation where you're tortured by it, and you spend all kinds of time later coming up with all the great come-backs. But nope. Not you.

Second of all, this is a brilliant, brilliant thing, this post of yours. Keep on doing your thing, lady. You are an inspiration.

You are so wonderful - inside and out. Thank you for a wonderful post, Laurie. Thank you for sharing so much of your soul - which happens to contain so many of the foibles, strengths and weaknesses we all have. Bless your heart - may you have many more happy healthy days.

although I'm on the other end of the weight spectrum, many of the things I feel regarding my own body image are identical. "I am tired. I need to learn how to just be okay with what you gave me." hit me like a rock and I'm sitting here typing through tears. If I could, I'd give you a hug for this post. Thank you, Laurie.

That was so wonderful to read.

I've got 104 days of nonsmoker under my belt, and while I want to stop every smoker I see to lick the nicotine out from under their fingernails, I'm relishing every day I can breath and smell and live... You're an inspirations. Thanks.

Thank you oh so much. I was transfixed reading your column today (as always); the power of clear truth in it just held me like a Mr. Spock's mind meld. Yep, I agree with the above commentors (sp?,) you've got another book in there.

hmm...Mr. 18 lbs, what a ninny.

I completely lost my 40's to 55 extra lbs (I'm 5', 1.5") Then at 53 yrs old, (few years ago) I weight watchered almost all of it off, became extremely physically fit and it was STILL not 'good enough'. Some weight came back and I now do my best to stay right now...no diet, just life. I loved your phrase of a month or so ago 'there is no wagon' and how you phrased in today's writing 'tomorrow is just like today'... it is sort of sad, letting go of the pretend-control, but it is real and good. I just love your words...I'm sending prayers for an awesome time for you in NYC.

Thanks for analyzing, thinking, doing and then writing with your heart about it. You strike a wonderful chord in many of us and I really appreciate what your writing helps me think and do.

I've read your blog for ages, and always enjoyed the read. But today you brought tears to my eyes. What an amazing post. I love your literary style and your honesty. I identify with your struggle and felt the need to let you know there are others out there on the same journey as you. me. Thank you for the tears and the laughs

Thank you, Laurie, for sharing all that you do. Your insight helps me so much as I vow and re-vow not to let food control me either way. I am tired of obsessing over portion size and how many servings of protein, veggies, bread, etc. I can have today or have had. Tired of feeling guilty if I have a bite of cake or share an ice cream with my son. I don't like how I look, but even when I was thinner than I am now, I didn't like how I looked, either. Your story reminds that I have one life and to enjoy it every day. No matter what my size, I am a good productive person. Food should not be my master.
Thank you.

This post screams from the inside of me, I swear.

Laurie, You Rock!

Thank you for writing this post. You have written important words today.

i needed to hear this. thank you!

I went to the doctor's office yesterday and my weight had climber over "that number." The one we all have as a scare tactic. As in, "I'll never weigh that much." I talked with my doctor about it and told her about your health quest, the not-diet. I've decided that I am going to do something similar - it's the "would I want my daughter to eat that" plan. Thanks for your inspiration and your honesty about the struggle that we all face, Even skinny girls hate parts of themselves and your thoughts tend to transcend size.

Thank you! You are my idol--I am trying so hard to get to where you are, but I'm still struggling with the not-diet.

This is why I read you every day...even when you don't have new posts.

This post was so great for me today. I just came from my Weight Watchers meeting and they were talking about the same things. Fries are just fries and if you eat some it doesn't mean you have to eat everything in site afterwards. I love how you write and I am waiting for book #2!

Wow.

And the co-worker dream thing? I had one of those about a Professor I had. I didn't remember the dream until he leaned across my desk to hand someone a paper and his crotch was RIGHT THERE. Then I remembered my dream and the guy sitting next to me said real loudly, "Why are you turning red?"

WANTED. TO. DIE.

I know no one cares but me, but on my comment I spelled crier wrong. I just couldn't get on with my day without correcting it. Sad isn't it?

I want to do this, get where you are, but how?

My ex-husband used to tell me he was going to stop at McDonalds for a milkshake but that I needed to go home and have a salad. Post-divorce, I had a guy on a FIRST date tell me my ass was the size of a truck and he didn't know how I could fit through my front door (for real). I almost gave up on relationships and life in general. Thank goodness I was "strong and sturdy" enough to realize that what those guys thought and said aloud to me doesn't matter. My weight doesn't make me who I am. It is certainly something I want to change about myself for health reasons, but I'm not as obsessed about it as I once was.

Thank you for putting all of this into such eloquent words.

P.S. I now am with a man who loves my "curves".

Thank you for this post! I have been no-dieting and feeling very happy with myself, but two weeks ago, went on a business trip and a man I'd never met before said, "I see we're going to be a mommy soon!" I kind of laughed it off at the time, watching him squirm when I told him my son is 4-- no, not 4 months, 4 years old-- but later I wanted to cry. I kept thinking, am I that f-ing fat? (No, I am not.) Then I had to talk myself down off the edge: was I going to let some stranger make me doubt all my progress, all my self confidence? (I still can't bear to put on the outfit I was wearing when he said that.) Well, yes, I did. I am just climbing back out of the chocolate and white rice hole I buried myself in and really needed to read your post today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. PS I used to dream about my manager every time he gave me a compliment. Then we hired a new guy that I had to train, and the night before I was to meet with him, I dreamt that I was having sex with him, and my manager walked in on us! I could NOT look him or my manager in the eye for that whole training session. Akward!!!

That date story is hilarious. You are brave and sturdy and strong and funny! Ah Laurie, you continue to inspire. It feels like we’re there with you every step of the way.

After I lost some weight last year I found I couldn’t figure out what size I needed in any clothing store. I used to be able to eyeball the 16 and the 18 and figure which would fit better before I hit the dressing room. For a long time I would keep grabbing the 16 and maybe a 14 in *hopes* I might be able to zip it up. I almost died of glee the day I was able to put something on that said 12 on the tag. Your head will catch up to the physical changes too, and before too long you will no longer be surprised that you can fit into anything at that store. ;)

Part II - Amen. So so so amen.

Laurie, you are truly a beautiful person both in and out. You have such an eloquent way of capturing what so many feel and expressing it in words. Enjoy your trip! I know it'll be a huge success!

Your post reminded me of the song "Fatso" by Jonatha Brooke: Last night I dreamed I ate a chocolate cake, when I woke up I was sure it was true so I weighed myself just to be sure and drank a

diet cooooooke.

It's a great view of what it's like to be on a diet -- never fails to make me smile and remember how defeatest that mindset can be. If you'd like a copy of the song I'd be happy to send it to you.

And thank you. So much.

I read something once that said that one should only have one mission in life and that is to "be who you are." That's it. The mission is not to get rich, or thin, or rack up accomplishments, or even be happy at any given moment but just to live life as completely as yourself as possible. I'd forgotten that recently and have been struggling with all the other things I think I "should be" (reunion coming up...) at this point in my life. Thanks for the reminder.

Ok, we've never met, and probably never will, but you're my hero! And as someone who is working so hard to lose weight (and a lot of it from my end) i know that every half pound makes a difference! you rock, and you are an inspiration!

I've never quite understood people's needs to lose weight. I know I need to lose weight. My knees are going bad and I have an incurable neurological condition (wont kill me, but will make me very uncomfortable the rest of my life)

I've never exactly cared about my weight that much tho...My boyfriend, a short, rotund guy, was freaking out about how much he weighed the other day. (just above 450) I was shocked to hear how much he weighs. I really thought he was just a little over 300. He thinks that I see him as a big unattractive short, balding and extremely fat person. Not so. I think he's adorable, and sweet and I couldnt care less about how much he weighs (except when he's squashing me, but I dont mind that all that much as long as he lets me breathe occasionally)

It's not the size of the person, it's what's inside of the person I care about.

It would also be hypocritical of me to complain about his weight, since I'm a big girl too (220, down from the 250 I was last august) I'd rather be a big girl with a boyfriend who cares about me, than constantly worrying about my weight and whether or not my boyfriend will leave me for a skinnier girl.

I'm more worried about my age. I just turned 38 (eek!) yesterday, and now I'm freaking out because my hair is going gray (I've actually been going gray since I was 17) and I'm now noticing wrinkles around my eyes.

I dont want to be old!

Wow. Thanks for sharing. It really does help all those of us who deal with the same problems day in and day out. You are not alone, and neither am I.

Thank you, Laurie. Thank you for putting words to some of the mess that is going on in my brain and in my heart.

Wow. why does it take us so long to get straight with ourselves? I once considered the Atkins diet and my doctor told me he would have me committed if he found out about it. As is, I have taken a million classes on nutrition, what our bodies need (and the fact different bodies need different things), body styles, etc.etc.etc. Basically, I will never look like that woman on the magazine page. I can, however, be the healthiest I can be for the way I'm designed. If someone doesn't like it, they know where the door is. I try not to let a number get in my way. Depending on the store, I can be anything from a 12 to a 20...I go by, does it fit and does it fit nicely. I will never be a zero and frankly, I don't want to be one, sorry, I don't want to look like a stick. I've got curves and I love my curves and guys like curves as well. I think you have done fabulously and not only has your physical health improved over this trek, so has your mental as well. People don't realize, the two things are tied together. You looked great at the stadium and you will look great on your trip.

Well thought out, and well said.

Keep on thinking! Hugs!!

I just love you!

What if. . . all women would take that energy that is sucked up with diets and worry and use it for good instead of evil! We definitely would rule the world. There would be world peace. There would be no hunger. We would cure cancer. The list is endless.

Excellent post!

I just finished reading Rethinking Thin, and I highly recommend it--it's a very thorough look at the history of diet research in this country, and what has been shown to work and not work. After reading this, you'd believe even more in the benefits of being healthy, strong, and sane--and not fretting over carbs or calories.

You made me cry. Thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful time on your trip.

Laurie, you are so awesome. I'm proud of you. Every day I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I'm hating it. I think my weight has been something of a badge of honor for me, though, considering the way my parents dealt with it. (Mom had me in Weight Watchers when I was 10. C'mon!) I just remember the day my mom said, "Don't you hate what you see when you look in the mirror? I do!" And my heart broke for her, because in that moment I realized that no, I really didn't hate what I saw. I loved it, and still do. I have kick ass curves! I just wish I could get my mother to see herself the way I do.

Dear Aunt Purl, I just stumbled across your blog by chance and random googling, and I think I'm gonna get hooked. I'm a Weight Watcher as well as a blogger, and my pledge to myself this week is that the only sweets I will eat for the next seven days are beautiful summer fruits: melon, berries, peaches and MANGOS!

I recently started reading your blog, and this post was utterly wonderful. In the past month I have started intuitive/conscious eating after losing 120 pounds and winding up on a rollercoaster of dieting and binge eating. I can really relate to your story and know how you feel. It IS wonderful not to dream about pastries or bread and wake up feeling like you committed a heinous sin. Now I don't dream about them at all!

Congratulations on the upcoming book, the too loose pants (that happened to me this very morning!) and your upcoming trip. Enjoy!

Perception is an amazing thing, when I look at pictures of you, I always think how pretty you are, and what an amazing smile you have. I understand the sleeve thing, and the inappropriate co-worker dream, and even the guy talking about the cute sexy girls at work, when you are on a date. (That inspires the second date!)

Go on your trip and have a blast! Others will see your smile and wonder who the very pretty lady is.

Thank you so much for that post. I can't tell you how much "I've been there". Atkins was my end of marriage and post-divorce OCD. I was OBSESSED because it too was what I could control...that I and I became an OCD cleaning mad-woman. I guess I felt that I could scrub the "failure" out and the control I felt about the weight was me trying to feel like I was in control of my life. It's soooo nice to know that it wasn't just me and that there are others that have gone through the same things!

Thank you Laurie, as ever, for sharing your stories with us. You help me look at my own thought patterns and try to figure out what's really happening.

Here's a story of my own, something to offer you in return: Today I held the door open for a young med. student whose hands were full of coffee cups, and he said "Thank you, Beautiful." I blushed, and then felt jittery and (of all things) kinda sad. In my head, I'm a "fat girl" too (regardless of pant size or bra size or whatever). But really I'm shy and underconfident and don't know how to handle positive attention. I realized hours later that while feeling flattered is normal, the saddness came from one part of me believing he was teasing me, as if we were kids in highschool or something. I think perhaps I need to start trusting in other people as well as in myself: I may not feel beautiful, but chances are strangers won't make a compliment unless it was true to them.

p.s. I have totally had that kind of dream!

Congratulations on how well you're doing! Trust me, not being bruised by armrests on an airplane is a beautiful, slimming, feeling.

Like you, I use fat as an excuse to hide from the world. I am getting a little fed up with myself, frankly. So, I'm going to print out this blog entry and take out to remind me that 1) I am not the only person who feels this way and 2) I can do it.

Thank you! And I hope you have a good trip.

This post made me think of this youtube-video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA

This woman is amazing. I love her confidence. It's really a compliment that you made me think of her. I hope you take it that way after watching it (if you haven't already).

Thank you for that heartwarming essay. I'm 30 years old and single. My parents have been harping about me weight since I was 12. It's been 18 long years and I finally reached a point where my body is my body. If I don't love it who will? So what if there are a few extra pounds? There's more of me to love. And god damnit, that's what I'm going to believe.

I love this post! I have been following the same path of not dieting and listening to my body. It is so wonderful and freeing!

You're amazing, really! I have so enjoyed reading about your forays into not dieting. I have agonized over the weight that I have gained after having two rugrats and it wasn't even that much. But you have a wonderful attitude about your weight. And 1/2 a pound a week is great. Steady and healthy are the way to go. I know this, I just have to work harder to get where you are.

Kudos for you on what you told the dude! Maybe if more people were put into place this way, society would be more tolerant, kind and understanding of any size over zero.

I totally think you handled that crazy date statement perfectly. I'm always a proponent of meeting things head on. That would be the type of thing I *wish* I said after saying nothing and being foolishly, yes, foolishly, humiliated.

Like you and the many commentors above, what we know we should feel and what we do feel are often separated by a cavern so deep and scary. You are so lucky to see that cavern evaporate and we are so lucky to have you share your progress and achievements.

Triple WOW!!!

Helpy rash advice:

When I was young I was exposed to Jewish religious rituals such as the weekly Friday to Saturday Sabbath and the many holidays throughout the year where specific drinks and foods were present. I developed rashes from the sugar alcohols from the Manishevitz wine and maybe even special chocolate.

Shortly after starting the Atkins two years ago I introduced some of their prepared foods into my diet and I wound up breaking in itchy hives. They disappeared quickly after stopping the diet and have not returned. I'm pretty sure it was the same allergy that was exacerbated by the wine and chocolate in my youth.

You're not the fat girl, Laurie. You are the beautiful girl who can write what's inside all our heads. Have a fabulous time on your vacation, and make sure to bring back lots of pictures of beautiful you, having a blast just enjoying life.

i just love ya, laurie.

Thank you for your post. You don't know how much I needed to hear that today.

(((((HUGS)))) for your trip - you will do great!

Thank you for the comments letting me know at least I am not alone in my crazy over here :) I still to this day get scared pushing the "submit" button on topics such as this. So thank you.

To the ones who asked -- I do not know where the switch is or how to flip it, I don't know how to get there (here), I don't have a magic answer but God I wish I did.

The hardest part has been giving up dieting. I wanted desperately to go on a diet as soon as they said "travel" and "be in public" and "meet people." I thought... maybe just a few weeks of slim-fast... or I could do Atkins again, just for April and May...

Giving up dieting forever has been the terrifying piece. Because what if I was incapable of eating well on my own? And isn't that the stupidest thing EVER? To think that without a list and without rules I am incapable of treating myself well?

The other fear was: What if I started eating and never stopped?

It was so sad! Like I was some horribly untrustworthy animal who would eat the world. And I thought about the times in my life when I ate the most... they were either right before or right after going on a diet, and the more restrictive the diet the more I conversely ate as preparation.

Giving up dieting forever felt like giving up hope I would be thin again. I still haven't figured that part out exactly, completely. I'm still in the place where I just concentrate on treating myself the same way I would treat a little child whose care was entrusted to me. I would not feed that child fast food every day, I would make her eat tasty food that was good for her and make her play outside instead of watching TV and I wouldn't give her a cigarette after lunch. Even if she really wants it.

If I find the magic, secret switch I will tell you, I promise that. All I wanted was to find some peace. I think we will find it, I hope we do. I feel closer than I have been, most of the time.

I read your blog once in awhile and always get a good laugh - love the cat pictures, they are adorable. One thing I do have to say tho, is that when I see the pics of you, I don't see fat - sorry, I just don't get it.... I see an absolutly gorgeous woman with a smile that would light up a room ... and a personality and sense of humour that I wish more people around me had ...

Maybe someday you will realize what a service your words have been to all of us. That is my hope anyway as this week has been a big wake up call for me after going to the dr's. I'm making changes and I NEEDED to read this. (((((Laurie)))) (That's a hug!)

Wow, Laurie. I have the same thing going on in my life right now, but with age (not fat). Isn't it amazing how these fears about our bodies reach into our dreams and become our reason not to be "all we can be"?

Wow.

I don't want to be too scary-stalker-lady-esque, but I have printed this and the "There is No Wagon" entries out and have them hanging up to remind me that it's about being healthy and happy, not about size! You rock

Laurie,
These posts are why i keep coming back. You are such an awesome strong woman and I just wanted to tell you that you are such an inspiration to us all!
i love all the posts about your cats, the work stuff, the life stuff, the weight/body image stuff, and the knitting stuff, of course.
and i wanted to comment the past few days when you were posting pictures of yourself bc yes, you indeed look really good! and you don't know how cute you really are, do you?! :o)

so i just wanted to start off this long weekend for you by saying:
1. Laurie, you are a very pretty lady!
2. Laurie, you rock in so many ways, i don't have enough fingers or toes to count them all!
3. Laurie, give your kitties (especially Roy) xoxo for me please. :o)
4. I hope you continue down this wonderful path of yours and continue to include us on your journey.
5. Despite not losing a lot of weight, it sounds like your body/shape has changed in a good way. And that is just as, if not more, awesome as losing weight. why? bc it's quite possible you know, that instead of losing weight, you've converted some of your weight into muscle, which weighs more than fat.
i'd say that is wonderful! congrats!

Wow! That was an incredible post.
Thank you and good luck.

You are so fucking awesome.

I hope I can accept myself someday... and not blame all my fear on this one thing on my life.

Thanks for writing that out.

Now get outta my head! ;)

*OtterHuggles*

Laurie, I feel you. My story is a little different though, about 11 years ago I was 125lbs and I met a gorgeous man. We've been together ever since. He's a chef, and I turned into 185lbs. In November my Aunt gave me a book called "Ultrametabolism" and as I read it I started adjusting my diet. I don't know how much I weigh now (because my boyfriend hid the scale after I cried for a half an hour) but I can tell you that I've had to put 4 new holes in my belt!!! That's a loss of 6" on my waist. I eat more than I ever did before, and the weight is falling off. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I love your blog, read it every day. Have fun on your trip.

This brought tears to my eyes. You brighten a lot of folks' days, CAP. Thanks for sharing.

This is an awesome post. Thank you.

When I started losing weight my goal was simply to get thin, but now the the weight loss is more incidental because my new goal is simply to live healthy. Strangely, now that I've switched focus I think I'm more likely to keep the pounds of in the long term. A goal like "live healthy" has lots of rewards that lead to my own happiness. I feel so much better, I can bike and run and kickbox. I just *feel* good no matter what I look like. Whereas weight loss in itself is a somewhat empty reward. Sure, I look good, but bad things happen to both fat and thin people. If I am taking care of my body I am better prepared to take on the bad stuff in my life.

Thank you. This meant a lot to me. I don't remember the last time a blog post got to me like this.

You are amazing! Fear cannot control you anymore! Gook Luck!

Amazing post today. Classic.

I think it's a good idea to get the weight issue out in the open on a first date. Many men who seem perfectly nice show their true colors when the subject of women's weight and dieting come up.

A national survey (I forget which one) listed the wife's weight as one of the top 5 things married men worry about all the time. Right up there with terminal disease and violent crime. Sad.

Hi! I've been reading your blog for a while now, but have never posted. I wanted to tell you that I'm pretty thin -- in fact, I'm the kind of thin people comment on as the sort that could stand to gain some -- and this means my hands and arms are somewhat vein-ish and my cheeks are hollow-ish, and I can wear small sizes, and so on and so on. This thin state is not all it's cracked up to be. As I get older, my age shows more than my friends, and I never have the glow that other women have (like I see in pictures of you), for instance!), but, you know, I just want to be healthy and not hate myself. I, too, am shy and need to push myself to be more of an extrovert, which can oddly lead to blurting things out in a weird mixture of confidence and insecurity, but I have always found kind and thoughtful people responsive and supportive to this mixture of strength and humility, or maybe it's just self-deprecation gone haywire; whatever it is cannot be helped and comes from a genuine part of the heart. I was raised (reared -- my mom said to say "reared") in the south, too, and ended up moving to a big city. I read your blog and see a lot of myself in you, if you don't mind, and the conclusion I come to has nothing to do with our respective sizes. I don't even see the difference. The struggle is the same. I don't know if this makes sense or not, but maybe I am the super thin self on the other side here to yelp that it is not the sought-for destination afterall. Let's just, all of us, love ourselves, and read fabulous books, and make friends, and be decent and so on. I've never met you, and I'm really proud of all you've accomplished! You're published! It can only be good for here on out . . . congrats to all your hard-earned effort.

Oh, and: we love you, you will be brilliant, and afterward there will be drinking.

>
Thanks for sharing, dollface. You're an inspiration to many and a truthsayer to us all. Enjoy the wonder that is you -- you're DEFINATELY worth celebrating. I'm so proud of how much you've grown and how strong you are. Keep on keepin' on, sister-friend. You're on the right track. ;)

Thank you! Another awesome post!

I haven't been dreaming about food but I had one nightmare the other night where I kept telling everyone I met, "I have to lose another 10 pounds! I have to lose another 10 pounds!" Wedding anxiety, I guess.

I have NEVER been able to do a diet. Ever! The only thing that has worked for me is to try to eat more sensibly, stay away from the vending machines, walk and swim a lot. On Sundays, I can have pizza and I allow myself one alcoholic beverage a week. And yes, telling myself that if I eat the blasted fries one day I am not a failure DOES help.

I'm also "sturdy." I'm 5' 5" and pretty big-boned. But you know what? There have been more than a few times that I've been walking in the evening and some tiny older woman will walk with me and strike up a conversation - particularly when the neighborhood is not so nice. And nobody ever asks a size zero to help them move! I'm proud I can lift things!

Your date sounds just awful! Men who start dictating how much you are "allowed" to weigh are at heart, big cowards who want to control someone else because they have issues with themselves. Men like that - I say if you scare 'em off, GOOD - you're only scaring off your future ex-husband. What a jerk.

Well, I've suspected it for a little while.. but know I definitely know that I love you.
: )

You go girl! Have fun on your trip. I enjoy your stories. If only there were more women out there who were so empowering as you are! Just think of those half starved waifs who are secretly sticking their fingers down the backs of their throats to barf up their dinners and who secretly crave that big mac and large fry. At least you can say, you aren't a barf-o-matic. Men find women who are quirky quite interesting, at least, I have always found this so. If you aren't afraid to talk to them, they will find you enchanting!

Delurking to say, "You go girl!" I've been there with every single one of your fears. I've been trying to non-diet since reading your first post about it and have actually had some success. The biggest hurdle is not falling into thinking that the non-diet is a diet. Thanks for sharing your success :)

What's sad is that the guy who asked you out instinctively made the right choice; you ARE the one to be with, funny and smart and sturdy and pretty! And you're always going to be that way. Whereas those 18-year-old size 0 girls? Maybe they'll stay zeros, maybe not - but they sure won't stay 18. They'll get older, just like the rest of us. Then what? Then he looks for the next batch of 18-year-olds? And if he's 28 years older than they are, what can he possibly offer them? While it's true that there are plenty of love matches with huge age differences, it's also true that 46-year-old men who are with 18-year-old size zeros are often paying for the privilege - and everyone assumes that, whether they are or not. Poor man! And his impulses were kindly meant, if woefully awkward when expressed. He tried to make you feel less uncomfortable, and he made both of you feel more so. He probably accidentally told you more truth, too, than he ever meant to. Maybe more truth than even he realized.

And I think you HAVE given us Teh Seekrit:
Treat yourself as if someone had entrusted you with the care of a precious child. It means making sure that the child has good food - healthy food, as well as happy food, and water and milk and not just soda or juice or coffee, and some fresh air, and some exercise, and some time to dream.

Take care of yourself as if you're precious, because you surely are.

I'll give you awkward: I had a, a teammate tell me he'd had a dream about me. He didn't tell me the details, he just looked smug. ! Made those workout sessions a touch awkward.

I did Atkins after my divorce( lost 75 lbs).... right up till i got remarried. Then I dive bombed off it. Weigh more now than ever before that 75 lbs came back and brought friends. I remember dreaming about eating an entire meal that consisted of potates, fried, mashed, baked.... russet and sweet. Halfway through the dream I realized what I had done and started freaking out.

I had some hair fall out too, but I blame that on the soy products I was using. I take thyroid hormones and no one told me that soy can block them! I was a zombie for 3 weeks after I quit the soy, it took that long to recover.

I've been thinking of dieting again, or just "not dieting" as you are... but I have a serious sugar addiction and I'm not sure I can do moderation very well... I hit points where I seem to just crumble.

Someday I hope I can be where you are... (PS, I'm 34 now, so You give me hope!!)

Wow, Laurie, you can say it like no one else. You have a fabulous time on your trip, you know we will all be there in spirit supporting you! You deserve the best of everything.

THIS POST is why I read you, sometimes over and over and over. You are so real, and I am tremendously thankful that I found you.

I lost 60lbs over the course of a year. So far, I have maintained the majority of the loss... but have started to creep back up a bit. I never made it to goal... but that was because I gave into laziness and extra cheesy pizzas. I went through the end of a 6 yr relationship and learned to be a single mom to twins... and I have been so exhausted... I haven't felt like moving forward.

Laurie... don't EVER give up. Your ideas on being on a non-diet inspire me so much. You are so right about all of it - you can't learn to live a healthy life and maintain a healthy weight if you rely on bizarre ways of eating. I mean really... GIVE UP BREAD?? I would rather die.

I absolutely ADORE you. You may not have all the things you want in this lifetime (a decent man, a comfy nest egg in your savings bank, or the body of your dreams, etc etc) but the things you do have are priceless - great friends, great experiences, immense talents and this definite air of PEACE about you. I'm so happy for you!!

I don't want to post again and won't in the future -- but the vegetarian diet is extremely useful. There are many resources that I encourage you all to check out ... Vegetarian Times. Many recipies. If you love cats, wonderful graceful felines, why not cows? BESIDES, GRAINS, are the most imprortant aspect of any diet, for energy .... THINK.

Bossy thinks Crazy Aunt Purl is as cute as your empowering successes. Totally. Own it.

YOu are an absolute inspiration to me. As a girl who has always been "fat", hearing someone say that they aren't going to do it anymore, taking back the sanity in their lives, it's an awesome thing.

Your post made me laugh.

Then cry.

I went to check into one of those 'hypnotize you to lost weight' things, and had a panic attack in the car on the way. Admitting my failure to myself is one thing. Admitting it to someone else, another.

I'm going to bookmark this post to help me thru the dark days to come.

Hey, remember that just like your coworker dreams, guys generally don't want their fantasies to come true either. Ok, so a guy might think a skinny 18 year old is hot but does he actually want to spend any time with her?

Half a pound a week sounds like a very healthy amount to lose. What with your "normal" eating and your evening walks it sounds like you are really doing it the healthy way and that is so great.

Oh and hey, I'm in New York at the moment (sadly I'll be in London by the time you're here) and YES, everyone wears flipflops. And it is such a warm and friendly place here, you will be just fine. (it's such a lie about New Yorkers being unfriendly)

Thanks for this post! It and one of your posts from January of this year when you talked about your plan to eat healthier have really helped me get in the right mindset. Like you, my weight has yo-yo'd since puberty. I've also been an emotional eater. I am now 40 pounds heavier due to my mom being sick 2 years ago (at least that's where it started). But anyway, I really like the idea of trying to eat healthier without being on a "diet." Thanks, again!

Laurie -

I have lost 165 pounds and still beat myself up on a daily basis about how I look. I have about 30 more pounds to lose and think I look horrible. In the grand scheme of things I logically know that I don't but the mind has a way of telling us otherwise.

Thank you so much for posting this! Your words have put so much into perspective for me. I really needed to hear this today!

As someone who has been overweight for years and tried almost every diet, I too came to the same resolution you did in January 2006. Since then, every visit to the doctor has show a slow and steady weight loss. It's not fast, but I no longer beat myself up. As I told a friend who constantly hops from one diet to another, if I want pie, I eat pie, only now it is a small slice and not the whole pie. Keep up the good work!

Oh, honey, do I understand! My father insisted I be put on a diet when I was in 5th grade. He is one of those people who has the metabolism of a hummingbird. He'll sit down and eat an entire plate of cookies and lose two pounds from the calories he expended chewing. Needless to say, he just does not get it. (I got the Sturdy Swiss Milkmaid Genes from my mother's side of the family.) I am also trying to do the "eat less, move more" thing. And also realizing that if I really want the damn french fries, then order a small, enjoy every last salty greasy bit and move on. Keep movin' on, sister! Keep movin' on. (Oh and Dad and I are now at peace with the issue. He's learned. And I've learned.)

Ditto to everything above! I am a calories couting woman who has realized that portion sizes and correct choices can also fit in a scoop of ice cream or a small fry.

and for the record when I first saw pictures of you my thought was "Damn she's hot!"

You rock.

Hugs, hugs, hugs. You beautifully capture what so many of us are feeling. Must be that "southern" thing. Love southern writers, especially Truman Capote (and now you!).

I too am FLUFFY, I gave birth to a wonderful baby boy 2 months ago. I was a glutton and gained 70lbs during my pregnancy. I started out at NeverWillSeeAgain 130lbs. Now 45lbs, millions of ugly stretch marks, lots of extra skin & 1 wonderful baby later. I lock the door when i take a shower because im so scared the boyfriend will see me naked. Ive been so unhappy with my body I havnt gotten "any" in over 8 months. Your post today brought tears to my eyes (even at work while on the phones) and gave me hope.
I hope someday you realize how many lives you touch and inspire.

Im so glad i found your blog!!!(you also make me wanna learn how to knit)

Laurie,

I'm so glad we are on this earth at the same time. You seriously rock. I've gone through the same evolution but I'm 10 years older than you. Not sure that I'd even now have the courage to come back at my date the way you did (seriously, are men confused about when they are talking to their guy friends vs. women? What was wrong with him?)

I'm glad you are finding peace in yourself. You deserve all good things.

well ok i will comment even though im like 160 something and u may not read this far...
anyway: i have found that if i am obsessing about food all the time. that is food that i shouldnt eat, food that i want to eat or food that i have eaten, then SOMETHING is wrong and i need a correction conversation with myself.
i too am in a good state at the moment. i dont think about food constantly, because i am not allowing myself to be too harsh and judgemental with myself. i am just trying to make some better choices on a day to day basis. and have been looking forward to adding some extra good green salads to my days. the other trick to my eating is to 1/2 my portions when possible. but i am not a nazi about it. i will eat 1/2 the apple and come back later for the rest if i want it. just doing these few changes have not compromised my happiness or enjoyment of food, and i have lost like 2 lbs. in a month. and thats kewl, cause its no big deal to just be a bit more aware of what i could look for to eat that is healthier for me. theres always a choice. even at mcdonalds!
i also have been trying to get a bit of garden exercise in after work. like digging, planting, watering, pulling weeds, building a stone edging...a bit after work and a bit more on weekends...i like it alot more since its exercise with a quick, obvious, positive outcome. i dont think i will ever be a runner or biker or such...its just too boring and painful. so i will not beat myself up about it. i will do what i can that makes sense in MY OWN happy lifestyle...

Wow. Thank you for that post. It had "me" (and apparently many other women) written all over it. I am glad I found your blog. I have become a faithful reader.

Laurie, GOD BLESS YOU for the "happy, sturdy, healthy" statement! A-FREAKIN'-MEN!!!
And I love you even MORE for laughing and ever-so-nicely telling that foolish man to get the hell outta your store if he didn't like the merchandise!
Hmph! ""eighteen/size zero/so tiny and cute/sexy." You can tell SOME poor loser's been hitting the "Hot! Barely Legal! Asian!" web-pron during a loooong foot-in-mouth inspired dry spell.
What is it about the men in SoCal these days that outside every thin Asian girl is some dumpy middle -aged white guy just dyyying to get in?

Laurie,

I'm currently sitting on my couch with the definition of food obsession - my cat DJ. I got chicken take out for dinner and didn't eat all of it, and DJ has spent the last 45 minutes trying to figure out how to open a plastic take out container with no opposable thumbs. I thought of telling her that she was not going to get any chicken, but I'm scared that she will sit on my face and suffocate me in my sleep.

Thanks for your words, they encourage me mightily. And you are such a good writer! Where'd you learn how to do that? I know you are socially shy, but if you want a good buddy to show you around my NYC, let me know. I would love to meet up with you and your family. A little wine, a little whine... and lots of laughter.

I hope someday I will be less afraid. I am so scared of rejection even writing this. Yes I am fat, but I was fearful before I became fat so I know that's no excuse. I am so envious of you, Laurie. How do you get over the being piss terrified that everyone is going to laugh at you, that you aren't good enough? You have conquered it, it seems, and I wish you all the best. I hope someday I can find that too.

Laurie! You are always awesome. I had to de-lurk to tell you. Have a great trip!

i am in your page. never thought i would. i was always 5'2 120. today i am 5'2 170. i have never been on a diet. i am not sure where to start.

Wow, you're diary really hit home with your readers today. I'm 10 years older and I have finally learned to speak up and live my life the way I want to. It took dumping all the men who made me:
1. feel fat when I weighed less than 120 lbs
2. feel too liberal & out there when I had an opinion different than theirs
3. feel like my boob job wasn't big enough ( A to C )
4. when I had to send them to the store so I could go #2 - I actually had a man tell me "pretty girls don't go to the bathroom."
5. when I had a guy tell me how good I looked when I got really sick and only weighed 98 lbs (5'8")

Now that I am older and not in competition with all the young girls & myself really, I realize life if too short to put up with everyone's BS - I am happy & healthy now, but it didn't happen over night. Love your blog.

Laurie, you are so beautiful. And I mean that both inside and out. You make me laugh and cry and say, "Thank GAWD I'm not the only one who..."

You just keep on "not dieting", OK? I'm going to tell you something: My size 6 jeans are a little too big right now, and I'm "not dieting", too. Just trying to stop and think a little bit and maybe eat the salad FIRST, and the pie AFTERWARD. And a small fry will indeed do ya. Well. Not as well as the hot co-worker dreams will {pause to reflect, oh my goodness...}, but you understand. ;-)

This post ... today's post ... should be on National Public Radio. You can't see me but you have a one-woman standing ovation.

And that man? He wasn't even hearing you. You were asking if he ever had an inappropruate dream about a co-worker he would NEVER consider in that way ... and the first thing he thought of was a couple of hotties.

I've been lurking around here for awhile now, even reading stuff from your archives, laughing out loud and reading snippets to the hubster and Laurie, you are positively effervescent and completely precious. It wouldn't make any difference if you weighed 400 pounds and had the old side-part mohawk (which I actually kind of liked), you'd still be adorable.

Hi Laurie: I am sure you've had lots of people offering their diet tips to you... but in that case one more can't hurt yeah? If you, with your newly-realised 'I am not my weight' tenets, are still working on getting your weight down a bit... because, as much as we don't need to be anorexic, we do make an effort to stay near a certain weight sometimes, and you are still working on it in a healthy way... since the Atkins worked well for you in one way, have you tried a modified version? Like cut down on carbs... limit bread a bit... but cutting out things entirely is not healthy. Although it sounds like your new plan is actually healthy and successfully getting you closer to your healthy weight.
P.S. When I saw your 'Me feeling so fat in Paris' photos I seriously didn't think 'she's overweight'... just a normal-sized woman with fairly thin women. I swear, and I don't fib to make people feel better. Thanks for putting out an idea that deals with weight issues in a healthy way... both nutritionally and emotionally.

Laurie you are positively inspirational. I am so impressed with your courage that I can't say enough. Do you realise the positive impact you are having on your readers' lives? It is HUGE. I know that you must realise how big of a deal it is just to look inside yourself, find out what needs attention, and go fix it, but it is an ENORMOUS thing to put it out there on the 'net and talk about it. So many people don't even have the courage to hold up the mirror and take a good look, and here you are, looking in the mirror, finding the things that need attention, and you're showing us! I applaud you. We know that if you have the courage to make these positive changes, then the rest of us can do it too.

You rock out loud, yo.

Thanks, Laurie, you speak for a lot of us - fat and skinny - who've found peace through yarn. Yarny goodness as you say (how I love that phrase). Mmmmmmm. Sleep tight, girl. You make a lot of people happy just by being you and expressing yourself like we wish we could.

In NYC, you must eat bread in the form of John's Pizza, within walking distance of Times Square, 260 W 44th St, between 7th & 8th Aves.

http://www.johnspizzerianyc.com/index2.htm

Not only is the pizza heavenly, it's one of the few restaurants I could find with a decent beer by the pitcher selection. A beer you must try is Yuengling Lager - it's a wonderful east coast beer. It's dark but smooth and flavorful; not bitter. Promise me you'll try it and drink one for me!

If you can get your hands on an H&H bagel, they are delicious. And a black and white cookie from Zabar's. You can eat whatever you want in NY because you will be walking miles and miles. You won't even notice because it's just so wonderful looking at everything.

OK, I'd better stop. I'm getting homesick.

xo,
Allison

Laurie, you're my hero :)

I love reading your posts about weight, diets, your thoughts on your body - as so many other people have written here, it's incredibly inspirational. And so brave, I think, especially in our world which is so negative about women's bodies, to write openly and honestly about your thoughts on your body and your weight. You rock :-)

Oh, Laurie, I cried the ugly but oddly freeing cry after reading this post. It amazes me how strong and beautiful you are, how you are so brave to be so honest about vulnerabilities that I think most women (including me) have.

I am a big girl, and I'm the biggest I've ever been, right now. Two weeks before my brother's wedding in Hawaii, I was still thinking, I have time to do South Beach and drop about 8 pounds before the wedding! My mom offered to pay for Nutrisystem so I would be thinner for the wedding. I was bigger than the bride and the other bridesmaid *put together*.

But...I thought I looked pretty good. I made my dress, so it would fit and be flattering. People were (somewhat unflatteringly) surprised at how good I looked. My aunt said something like, "It's amazing how fat you are, and yet how little of it shows on your face."

You are such an inspiration to me, to so many people. I want to never diet again. I go to the gym pretty regularly now, and I feel healthy, my blood pressure's good, I can easily walk/run 3 miles in an hour, so I may be a big girl, but I'm pretty healthy with it. And I will reread this post on the days I want to run away from home with shame about how I look, and eat entire chocolate cakes to feel better. Thank you, Laurie.

Laurie, this is an amazing post. It so clearl that you are strong, sturdy and happy. I think the only thing that is "weird" about you is that you have such a terrific capacity for honesty; with yourself and with others. Thank you.

thanks for the great post. the always great posts. love ya.

That was incredible!! Thank you!! I am turning 30 next week and I am just below my top weight. The overwhelming feeling that nothing will ever change haunts me. Your post brought me a great amount of hope. I don't have to radically change everything about my life, just take small steps to big change. I finished reading your post, and took a big sigh of relief. Thanks!!

OK, so half my comment vanished - the part leading up to where to go to eat in NYC. Here goes again.

Much of your post resonated with me. Sometimes food is such a numb-ber. In those times (and you know what I mean,) it's not even comfort; you are consuming to make the pain go away. Sadly, I know it well. (Irresponsible shopping is also good for this, too, and with fewer calories.)

I am so excited for you about your upcoming trip. I hope food can be a source of enjoyment in NYC when you are there, since it really is, besides Paris, my all time favorite food destination. When traveling, my theory is that eating to any kind of plan or diet is tough to do, so you may as well enjoy the food at said destination. I just eat half (or less) of whatever's put in front of me and walk as many places as possible. People in NYC are thin and this is why.

Then, I went on to list my favorite NYC places, John's pizza, H&H bagels and Zabar's black and white cookies.

Sorry if that seemed weird!

Allison

I agree with the poster who said this should be on NPR. This post deserves a broader audience. You are a gifted writer, and you touch so many of us. I am seriously overweight, and don't know how to start. I, too,have dieted my entire life and wouldn't recognized a normal approach to food. But I have a borther who is 6'7" who barely hits 200#'s, and he is the bane of my existence. I finally came to the belief that if, when I die, the worst that can be said about me is that I was over weight, I am ok with that. I would rather not be this heavy, but I am tired of hating myself over it.

You are fabulous, and we adore you.

Laurie,

Again, we fellow crabby-crabs are on the same road. I've been watching what I eat (6x a day!) and working my buns off (literally) at the gym. Last week I entered and finished a race. I walked 7.5 miles across San Francisco.

Beforehand all the evil tapes played in my head: settle.. worthless. But as I stepped over the START line, they quieted down. As I walked they flew off my shoulders like a 50# weight.

Everyone commented on how happy I looked and sounded. Almost everyone.

I don't have that exact feeling anymore, but I have the memory. And I know that all I need to do to silence the negatives now is do something.

Congrats on your progress. We deserve it.

Thank you.

Thank you, Laurie. You make my day.

Wow. I'm going for a walk! :o) You are AWESOME!

Laurie, I love you! I sat here, reading through the tears, nodding. Over the past 2.5 years, I have slowly lost 70 lbs. When I look in the mirror, and go to try on new clothes, I still see the old me. It's like my brain hasn't caught on to the fact that there's a smaller body sitting below it. There's serious mental crap that goes on with all the dieting and fat issues! I found that while I'm knitting, and have those two sticks in my hands, I can't shove food in my mouth. :-)

Have a super trip, and keep living well!!

hey lady...keep pluggin' along. 1/2# a week is real good and healthy. Been there with the "D" thing and the weight. Keep open the communication to God in whatever words work. He knows the swear words too.
Love ya!

WOW, this was really powerful. Thank you so much for sharing the story, and congratulations in coming so far in a couple years... not in the weight department, but in the strong and healthy mindset!

I also want to say I *love* what you said to that date in your first story... I would never have been brave or quick enough to say it at the time, I just would have worried about it for weeks! IMO, speaking your mind is pretty damn sexy. So keep it up!

Really, thank you for this. I needed it today.

you made me cry because I've felt the same way. thank you!

Hi Laurie,

Thank you for sharing so much of your true feelings. Great post. Expressive and true. Have a wonderful trip with friends!

Lise (Giulietta)- Montreal

wow judging from the 195 comments ahead of me you have words of wisdom for all of us!

I've been size 0 and size 12 and a happy (most of the time) medium now I've had a baby! weight can rule your life and you've said it much better than I ever could! thanks!!!!

I've never felt the need to leave a comment, but today... I want you to know, you are BEAUTIFUL.

I finally decided to be "healthy" instead of skinny last year. I'm trying to eat better and be more active so I can feel healthy and have enough energy to keep up with my three year old.
I'm the biggest I've ever been, and I think I look fine. I would definitely like there to be less of me (especially my boobs!) but I'd rather be able to eat a piece of chocolate cake if I want to.

And if you want a prime example of how screwed up our vision of beauty is ... take a look at the chick who won America's Next Top Model. She LOOKS AWFUL!! She needs to gain about 25 lbs!

I'm here to tell you that wearing a smaller size pants hasn't made BEA any easier. (Wait, that wasn't very comforting, was it. Never mind. I'll see you there. I'll be the one with frizzy hair who is too short for NY.)

Hi Laurie.

I just read this blog-stalker case about Felicity Jane Lowde vs. Rachel North and remembered that your blog is so free of such nastiness and that is a great thing. Keep up the good work and may no blog stalker/abusers taint this blog!

Laurie, just remember that it's all about lifestyle and not dieting.

And once more I'm going to get on my high horse. If you've ever watched ANTM, you would realize that those "skinny" girls weigh more like 120 pounds, not 98. At my height (5'10"), being 98 pounds would get me hospitalized. Hell, 105 would get me hospitalized. Yes, being 120 is considered underweight but that does not necessarily mean unhealthy. Some of us are naturally this size and we eat plenty. I ate pints of ice cream on a daily basis throughout my early 30s, along with all of the other food that I was eating, just so that I could maintain my weight. Perhaps if I ate more crappy food, I wouldn't have needed the ice cream. Now that I'm in my 40s, I have finally had to drop the ice cream consumption because I'm not burning calories like I used to and I'm happy with my current weight, which is at the low end of normal on the BMI these days.

So please stop making assumptions about thin women. Then again, I have come to expect it. Every time there is a post like this, there are the group of women who say things like, "Those skinny girls are so unhealthy," and whatnot. When are we going to learn to appreciate all women? I know that I do.

I have lost 50 lbs weight and it took about 12 months to make an impact yet reading your blog and comments, the beauty of you is not only outside but inside with the wit, humor, perspective and the personal zeitgeist you create and radiate. Eat healthy, eat with purpose and exercise in a sane manner and allow time and with that good things will happen.

I am in recovery for an eating disorder, it's been 3 months and while I'm still obsessed with food, it's in a whole new different, healthy way. I just wish we could all find peace with ourselves at whatever weight and focus on what's really important in life. I've been bulimic for 30 years, I'm now 42, and it's time to reclaim my life. Since I stopped purging--and that was difficult because the one thing we fear is gaining weight, although most bulimics are not skinny people--I have only gained 2 lbs. That was a miracle in itself. Probably the only time I was thrilled to have gained just 2 lbs! It is possible to do just what you said, Laurie, the un-diet does work because that's just what I've been doing.

You are a WOMAN! (In my circle this is the ultimate compliment)

Dagny, thanks for your insight. Up until my late 30s, I was athletic and thin -- size 6 -- and I could eat whatever I wanted. Not any more. I am now at that certain weight that my doctor says I could stand to lose about ten pounds, but I am medically healthy and shouldn't worry about it too much. He says, "If you want to lose about ten pounds, don't go on a crash diet. Eat healthy, skip the snacks, drink lots of water and walk more."

However, The American Female Standard says that I am "fat," and that I need to lose at least 40 pounds. I am 5'8" and a size 14. Medically that is a moderate weight. My husband thinks I look "chubby," my mom thinks I used to be "too thin," my obese friends tell me not to bitch about it, and my super-thin acquaintances tell me what diet I should be on. My good friends don't say anything. My point? America is divided into two cultures: "fat culture" and "thin culture." I think people who talk about "unhealthy thin people" are not so much making value judgements about thin women as individual human beings, but we are looking at the cultural expectation of extreme thinness as "the enemy." And it's easy to throw barbs at the enemy. As a person who is no linger slim, it amazes me how angry I become when I see the covers of magazines "LOSE TWENTY POUNDS BY SWIMSUIT SEASON!" Honey, that's a cultural COMMAND, not a helpful how-to suggestion. It is everywhere, we are inundated with it: FAT IS BAD!!! And the cultural emphasis is NOT on finding a HEALTHY weight. Fat is bad! Lazy! Ugly! And thin is Good! Sexy! Self-Disciplined! You are also supposed to have a size zero behind AND Dolly Parton boobs ... and rare is the day Mother Nature puts those two together.

Sigh. My point is, it's not a personal attack. It is the defense mechanism of a person who has been backed into a corner. A corner six sizes smaller than she is.

Wendy from LCF again! You know, I know that you have your book (which I can't wait to read), but really... this reads screenplay to me. I think it would touch so many people. And you could have some fabulous cameo... or play yourself... and you could thank your internet friends in the credits... and...

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

THANK-YOU!!!!!

I am struggling (and slowly succeeding!) to make the shift to healthy not-dieting...I am dreading my sister's upcoming wedding, since I'm now the largest member of my family. Sis & Mom have both become hardcore Weight Watchers, and like to preach about it. I know they mean well - there's a recent history of heart and stroke issues in the family - but it makes me feel like such a failure. I'm dreading the photos, dreading seeing extended family for the first time in years...etc.etc. I don't relish wallowing in it all, though - I've found myself an outfit that I feel lovely in, and will get a fabulous new haircut just before I go. This may be the first summer I refuse to wear shorts...it will also be the first summer in a long time that I do some day-hiking and just maybe get my bike out. It's all a big roller-coaster, and reading your blog reminds me to breathe through the scary bits and really enjoy the view. Thanks!

Thank you so much for writing this.

Dez, I do understand that it is a defense mechanism. I can still say that it's not very nice though. Especially when the comments come from folks who, at least in my mind, are asking others to accept them.

On Friday I was having a conversation with coworkers on the cruelty of children. One kid has been ostracized by classmates for most of the school year. A new kid showed up recently and chose to befriend this kid. How does the kid thank his new friend? By publicly picking on him in the same way that he had been.

Point of the story? Same thing as far as I'm concerned.

I just think that there shouldn't be these two camps and we should celebrate women of all shapes and sizes instead of taking barbs at one another. Isn't it time that we stop letting other people define who we are?

BRILLIANT POST! you're an incredible writer. you already have so many comments but i had to add mine.

and i also found this post extremely inspiring. i have about 20 pounds i'd like to lose and just joined weight watchers yesterday!

Dagny, I couldn't agree with you more. I dearly wish we lived in a world where we all celebrated everyone's individuality. I was just saying that it's easy to see how people develop bitter defense mechanisms -- I didn't mean to imply that it was the right thing to do!

No matter how much we, as individuals, choose to reject its influence, the Skinny/Fat divide is thrust in our faces every day. Like you,my big worry is for the kids growing up now -- how will they internalize the increasingly warped sense of body image and self-image imposed on girls? It's scary.

first things first - you write beautifully Laurie.
second - I would never in a million years call you fat! You have a luminous face and to me your look healthy. But I totally understand wanting to be well and to feel healthy and happy, that is a wonderful aim. I too am trying to tell myself that healthy is much much better than skinny.
be well...

hes a doofus. you are great laurie, am so glad that you are realising that you are fine the way you are :)

You really are a fantastic writer. I've never done Atkins, but I have had dreams about eating cream cakes. And I don't even like cream cakes that much. The weird thing about dieting is, I've never eaten so much chocolate (another thing I'm not particularly crazy about) as I have when I've been dieting. Crazy business. I read a study recently that said one of the strongest predictors of weight gain is having been on a diet within the previous two years. I can believe it.

As for naked co-workers, oh my God, so many times, and I'm always CONVINCED that they KNOW, that they somehow had the same dream, too. It has totally ruined a couple of good friendships for me because I feel so guilty about sleeping with them (even though I didn't) that I feel like I shouldn't be friends with them anymore. Damned subconscious!!

Cruising Match.com, I have seen many a listings with normal guys who are attractive to me that are not looking for a sack of bones to love. Thank god, because I have more than curves. How many luscious women do you know who are underweight?

I like bald men...hands down they are far more virile. Men seem to have the same attitudes about their hair as women do about their ass.

Thank you.

Comment #218, and will surely get lost in the shuffle, but just wanted to say that I love you and your livin' out loud. You say things so eloquently that I'm sure we're all thinking, and can't accurately verbalize (at least I can't).

God Bless You, Laurie. (And He can handle swear words -- He's a grown-up and has heard them many times before!) ;-)

Can't wait for your big time in NYC. You will no doubt be a hit, just by being your own true self. Don't be anything different.

Love ya.

I'm not one to publicy talk about myself, especially my perceived weaknesses. In fact I am definetely part of the anti-Oprah nation. But I had to comment on this even if all you readers might see it.

Thank you, so much. You have lived my nightmare, I have lived yours (ok, not the divorce part, but the weight part - you have no idea!) I'm one of those freaks of nature with an over efficient system that needs very little VERY LITTLE to eat - you know just a bit more than air (although someone forgot to tell my stomach that) and an almost nonexistant metabolism. I thought Atkins saved my life, that and exercise 6 times a week and acupuncture (although even with Atkins I had to seriously watch not only what but how much I was eating. Little bites, little bites.) That's *all* it took. No rashes or hair loss but I did have those food dreams. OMG! And I lost over 100 lbs, felt good about myself for the first time in my life, had plastic surgery to get rid of the ROLLS of tummy skin and was so weakened by the whole experience that within a year I had gained most of it back! Months of misery and self loathing, especially cognizant of the $$$ that I had spent on weekly acupuncture (into the thousands!) and the $10K my mom spent on my surgery (because I had proven that I could keep it off!) I face closet loads of clothes that I know will never fit again. But I am trying to get past that. Past the *I'll get back on track tomorrow* and putting it off for weeks. Just trying to eat healthy food and get on with it. Even if the scale doesn't move. I'm about to restart my life, moving back to the US after 10 years and to a new city to boot! And this time I am working hard that my weight, whatever it is, isn't how I or anybody else will define me. And all with a smile on my face and a wisecrack on the tip of my tongue ;)

And oh, yes I have had that dream! Oh, yes.

"You make your health your priority and your ass size a secondary issue."

Amen, Sister! Can I get a halleluyah! They should have those words on the outside of every diet book, food or plan ever invented.

I've had the inappropriate coworker dream too, very embarrassing!

I really liked this post. Body image is a constant struggle for me too and with the health stuff and weight gain because of it over the past year it has been more in my thoughts than usual. I have to remind myself all the time that any body that can do all the stuff mine does (10 mile hikes, running, etc) can't be that bad. It's much harder for me now (recovering my fitness and strength) but I too like to think of myself as strong and sturdy and so what if it's a few pounds more (although I still want to lose it...is that terribe????)

Hugs. And best wishes for your continued improvement of self-esteem.

You're an amazing writer. I LOVE the way you handled your date. Too bad I'm not an eligible bachelor, because it would have made me just fall in love with you all together! Oh, and your story made me love Faith all the more, too. I read her blog religiously (thanks for sending me her way) and she just has the loveliest heart.

OK, pregnant lady hormones here have me getting all weepy. Thanks for that post, sweetie. It was beautiful.

You know, I heard something today that's important. Everyone just wants to be liked. they don't care about what you do or don't have, or how fat or thin you are...they only care about what YOU will think of THEM. Everyone in the whole world is like this. Even those size 0's. Maybe that's why they work so hard to be cute? Yes.
I've been overweight all my life too. It really sucks. I hate meeting new people. But I'm a public librarian and meet new people all day long, every day. Fun! You have to try baby steps. Then make them permanent. then make another baby step. You can do it, I know you can. I've just started blogging about my started-yet-again journey to better eating habits and a healthier life. I'm facing diabetes and heart disease in my near future if I don't lose weight and that has me motivated, for now. I have a 9 year old son, and I want to see 100 years of age, like most of the rest of my family. You might want to try checking out the folks at sparkpeople.com. it's a great site, and free. has lots of cool tools too. for the last 9 years I've never been below 250, and in the first week I've done that. Been hovering between 250 and 260 for a very long time. We'll see how far i get, but it's a promising start. I know you are on the right path, just keep it up. Excellent work!

Loved this post! I've shared it with my friends that can so relate.

I found this info on food dreams today and thought I'd share it:

Chocoholics can rest easy with their dreams -- any dream about chocolate denotes good health and happiness, as well as a fondness for a pampered lifestyle. Obviously, you were meant to live it up in the lap of luxury. Indulge and buy something nice for yourself.

To see a cake or cookies shows friends will soon do something nice for you. If the sweets look ugly or burnt, however, you're in for a short spell of bad luck. You didn't think you were going to have your cake and eat it too, did you?
Dinner's Ready!

For starters, seeing a green, leafy salad is your body's way of telling you to take better care of yourself. Eat better from now on to avoid sickness and bad health.

Carb-cutters may think dreams of pasta are just signs of withdrawal, but macaroni is actually a warning to be frugal and save money. Noodles generally warn of a series of various small losses which, if not planned for, could really add up.

As for the main course, eating a roast is never a good sign (it shows betrayal at home); savoring a helping of any stew means a secret admirer will reveal him or herself to you; fish forces you to make a choice between what you really want and what's practical; and a sandwich suggests you're under a lot of pressure, but that you have the ability to juggle your stresses and come out ahead.

Snack Attack
Grab a handful of crackers during your shut-eye and you're probably too picky when it comes to male companionship. Lay off a little and see your love life shift into high gear.

Salty foods like potato chips or pretzels are a sign of complete chaos. Fights and quarrels could be in your near future, so try to stay cool around family and friends -- and keep future damage control to a minimum.

Breakfast Club
A hearty breakfast has much meaning. Any dream with meat in it (ham, sausage, bacon, etc.) suggests you've overindulged in materialism. Cut back your budget a little, unless, that is, there are eggs on your dream plate as well. Eggs signify excellent financial gains, so you should be back on your feet soon enough.

Like a little fruit or juice with your morning meal? Oranges mean investments will pay off, apples suggest you work too hard and too long for not enough recognition, and grapefruit denotes hidden talents yet to be discovered.

Drinking coffee is also extremely revealing. Drink alone and you need to put in some extra thought before making an important decision. Drink it with someone else, and you likely have stronger feelings for them than you acknowledge.
Who knew food could be so intuitive? So next time the Sandman serves you something to eat in your dreams, take note -- then close your eyes and go back for seconds. Dream on!

Interesting stuff.

Les~

I think you are very brave.

p.s. This is my first time visiting your blog. I read your entry about going to the Stitch and Pitch before I read this one. I saw those pictures of you. My first thought was "she's so pretty, no wonder she doesn't mind posting pictures of herself". This can't be said for all bloggers.

wow. I don't know you, but I was actually looking up Amish pictures (almost an oxymoron, i know. haha) and I stumbled across the cat on the quilt picture. I ended up reading your blog about gaining & loosing weight and being afraid of messing up and all that. You spoke to me on many levels. I just wanted to say thank you. You explained all of the feelings that I couldn't put into words. Keep it up! That's awesome!!! God Bless!

-T