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April 25, 2007

New! York! City! ... Do you have any pie, please?


First... We broke the comments with LOVE. It was awesome! That is the power of love. And breaking things! But I have a FABULOUS hosting company and Jamie from Pair's Tech Support fixed it right up. Thank you, Jamie!

Second... Tomorrow we return to urgently cute cat pictures and important questions concerning the sneezer on the bus. But there was one last thing to tell you. It's like when your best friend is on vacation in some out-of-network country for two weeks and you save up ALL details of everything that happened while she was away and spill them all at once in one huge breath, up to and including the time you semi-flirted with the Trader Joe's checkout guy and does she think his smile back was also flirting? But anyway tomorrow I promise we'll go back to normal YET IMPORTANT issues regarding the safety of my bus while The Sneezer is present.

So then. On the first weekend of June there is some kind of publishing convention in New York City and guess who got invited! Cracker Ass McCracker.

I immediately called up my parents and begged them to come with me, because I don't want to go to big, scary New York City by myself because I am ten. And the truth is, I want my family to be a part of every single inch of this. It's their story, too, especially the 2700 words I had to cut about that time we were all in Texas a few years back. (I still do not understand why a paperback can't be 4000 pages long. I mean really now.)

Our conversation went went something like this:

Me: Daddy! We are all going to New York City for a book thing!

Dad: That is very exciting! New York City, eh? Do you think they'll be able to understand my talking there?

Me: I don't know dad. They don't even call pizza "pizza" up there. They call it "pie."

Dad: I know. But doesn't that make you wonder ... what on earth do they call their pie?

Me: It is all very perplexing. I think we'll have to order some and find out!

Ya'll know I never travel light so in addition to my parents my Aunt Pam is coming to New York City for this thing, and so is Faith, and Jennifer. It's called Book Expo America and I will be at the HCI booth on Friday and again Saturday and later that day I will be in the main autographing area attempting not to die of nervousness while words try to come out my mouth. I believe they call this a "reading." I am already sweating just thinking of it.

Lord help me.

I am so nervous. I don't do well "in public." I called up Kim Weiss one day on the phone, she runs the whole publicity department at the book company so she is a professional and very busy lady with a whole lot on her mind. I'm sure she loved a spontaneous phone call in which I told I was having nightmares that I would show up at the booth and there would be the Chicken Soup For The Soul creator and famous-guy-who-was-on-Oprah, Jack Canfield, and I would probably accidentally stumble into a box or something and loose my footing and then my whole enormous self would fall into a load-bearing booth beam and the whole HCI booth would come down on Jack Canfield's head.

"Kim," I said urgently. "This is my worst nightmare."

And apparently my reputation of grace and efforless three-stoogery precedes me, because she did not even bat an eyelash. Just said, "Oh, well, if that happens I'm sure everything will be okay, Jack is the nicest man you will ever meet."

I may have also accidentally sent both her and Allison an urgent middle-of-the-night email asking what on earth does the publishing world wear, and was it formal? promwear? hootchiewear? business formal? business casual? help me!

And Kim wrote back suggesting I just be myself, as long as myself did not include hootchie wear.

So, I am very nervous and have already started purchasing shoes I can't afford.

This whole upcoming trip brought on a crisis last month, when I was complaining to Jennifer that I had forgotten New York was a humid place and how bad that was, because I had to wear the extra-heavy duty Spanx.

"Why do you need the Spanx again?" she asked.

"Because of my buddha," I replied. That is my nickname for the part of your tummy that pooches out.

"Well," she said, "It's still three months away, you could do some sit-ups or something ..."

"Oh GOD NO, I would never! Why would you even say that! That's terrible! I just want to throw money at this problem and complain about it ... I don't want to do a SIT-UP. Are you crazy?"

"Uh... okay," said Jennifer. "Weirdo."

And so as the date approaches and I get nervouser and nervouser, I thought maybe Jennifer was on to something. So I did try to do a sit-up last night, finally, in desperation. I got about halfway up. I could not go all the way up.

Then I called Drew, to tell him I had done an almost-sit up.

"You mean, like a crunch?" he asked.

"YES!! YES, that's it! I did a crunch!"

"Wow, a whole crunch?" he asked.

"Hey, look, that is a major accomplishment for me," I said. "I haven't done sit-ups in like five years."

"Five years? Are you sure?" How does Drew always know when I am maybe exaggerating?

"Fine. Maybe it was seven years."


"OKAY, ten. Ten, are you happ... no, fine! It was twelve. I HAVE NOT DONE A SIT-UP IN TWELVE YEARS."

"That's my girl," he said.

So anyway. If you want to come to New York City and see a flabby, country, nervously sweating bad public speaker accidentally knock an entire publishing company's booth down on Jack Canfield or similar, you can investigate it here. I don't know if it's open to the public or what, it might be some kind of trade show. I have no idea. But there will be actual, real famous people there, too, Judy Blume is on the list (!!!). And of course my parents will be there!

And later, if we are lucky, there will be pie. Of some sort.

Posted by laurie at April 25, 2007 6:56 AM