great "growth" post! Good for you for seeing beyond the past. Hang in there and keep walking. Loved the Bob tail photo!

I'm so glad you were able to be so copasetic. Kudos to you! Oh and if that were my boot I would have left it for atleast two days :)

Having suffered through the last few weeks after finding out that I CAN NO LONGER HAVE SUGAR IN ANY FORM WHATSOEVER for the rest of my life I agree that not having your most favoritist of coping mechanisms taken away SUCKS! Especially when the rest of your family continues to enjoy it RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

You seem so happy lately and I'm thrilled for you. You've come a long way, baby (apologies to Virginia Slims) (damn cigarettes) and I'm so proud and ecstatic for you!! One bad day amongst many good ones is wonderful!!

See, not *all* voices in your head are bad! :) There's always stuff to do. It'll keep.

We've got several pics like that. Although some of them are of a cat running away. And mine hate dancing, too.

Congratulations! One choice at a time is the way to go. I get the same frustrated feeling, only mine is no junk food, no shopping, now what? Good for you!

Good on ya Laurie. Good on ya.

It is so helpful to hear about a normal person going through the process of changing. Not some glitzy size two who is preaching to the world about how she thought positive and her life magically changed.

But to hear about how you wanted to do the old comfortable stuff, were angry and still chose to be healthy makes it so tangible.

Thanks once again for reading all those books, interpreting them for us, showing us how its done by a real person and letting us see it can be done!

You rock!

I just want to hug you.

Great post. : )

Are you sure that the really bad smell in the backyard is not from the boot you pitched back there?

I just want to hug you, too. You are so inspiring. I kind of want to be you when I grow up.

I am SO going to burn this post into my brain. I am such a stress eater. Last night I got a good look at myself in the mirror at the gym and WHOA, what's my mother's body doing attached to my head? It's time for me to find a new way to cope.

Hmmm... taking a walk. That sounds like a much better plan than the one I employed this morning, which involved me shutting my office door and then kicking my desk really hard (on purpose), which really hurt my foot.

I am glad the no smoking and no diet thing is working for you!

Ugh, I had one of those days last week. I cried and went to bed at 8. I think your solution was healthier and more productive.

I hate those "nibbled to death by ducks" days, where it's all these "little" nasty things that just pile up, and yeah, you can see that they are small bits of awfulness, & temporary, & nothing compared to the luck and happiness that abounds elsewhere in your life but somehow feels nowhere to be found that day...and it almost makes it feel worse. That whole I-should-be-rising-up-and-overcoming guilty feeling. We're allowed to have bad days. When someone asks what's wrong and it comes out like a whiny list of petty little things, oy, it sucks, but there you go. Thank goodness for their relative rarity.

As one who gave up my favorite coping/comforting mechanisms, I can appreciate this post. You continue to be inspiring. I'm so very happy for you. You are awesome! Great post.

Thank You. I also want to be you when I grow up. I wish I was a quarter as insightful as you are. I love you Laurie!!!

I quit smoking 15 years ago and STILL have days when I wish I could just sit down with a cig and a bottle of vodka. Even though I'm now one of the most annoying ex-smokers around, glaring at anyone whose smoke invades my private space. I still remember those relaxing moments, inhaling that sweet drug, playing with the cig ... yeah, relaxing habits are really hard to break.

I'm so happy for you that you found walking as a coping mechanism. TWO HOURS?? Good for you, you deserved that (large) glass of wine!

You have become a friend to yourself. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

When I have a very bad no good rotten day I have a tendency to take it out on the treadmill - it usually doesn't take long - pounding away - before I've gotten it out. Then I take a hot bath and read a trashy novel and forget that my day ever happened.

I do think about cheeto's, captain dietcoke, camel lights, and a bigmac while I'm headed to the treadmill though.

great job, laurie! you show us all how to be better people.

just a suggestion for days when it's raining, or you don't feel like leaving the house. there's always...knitting?

You mean you aren't supposed to hear voices talking to you? My kid actually has a t-shirt that says: "Shut up voices, or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip again" We both have lots of folks in our heads!

Good on you for learning (and using) new coping skills. It's tough learning to take care of yourself, but if you don't who will. Congrats!

Yeah! That's so amazing. I'm sending a link to a girlfriend of mine who could use your wisdom today!

I have been reading your blog for a while now (you don't know me) and while your posts always entertain and inspire me, this one was just incredible. This was my day yesterday. Neighbors have a batting cage and were hitting balls into it that sound like a cannon going off, I was SO HUNGRY and annoyed and grumpy. I wanted to EAT and I walked instead.
Knowing someone else is going through this and I am not the only one who just wants to get a huge delivered pizza and watch movies and zone out--it just helps so much.
You are so amazing.

It is incredibly hard to make the positive changes. All through exercise class last night, my voices were saying, "food, wine, food, wine, food, Nathan Fillion ;-), food, wine, food, wine...

And when I got home, I had no wine and lots of vegetables. It was hard, hard, hard. It's good of you to share your process. Makes me hopeful.

Carry on. (luv you Bob)

At least once a week, I go off on the, "Dang it! Why did I quit smoking? I really want a cigarette now!" jag. Okay, maybe once a day. So, yeah. But, I can walk up that steep hill without praying for an oxygen tank at the top of it. I take great pleasure in not actually dying.

Look for an email from me. Blanket #2 is on its way!!

I love Wendy's "nibbled to death by ducks" comment. I have never thought of it that way but it's true. I can deal with the big crises a whole lot better than the continuous tedious challenges. I'm glad to hear about your walk.

Man, you rock! You have inspired me once again and I don't even know you (the POWER of your words). I feel like I'm all alone in this sometimes and knowing I'm not the only one wanting to eat a bag of chips to make me feel better makes me feel better. I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life and while I have lost some, I've been on a plateau since January and I've been on this I'll eat whatever I damn well like because I can and I deserve it! kick and you know what? I felt crappy after eating fries...I don't DESERVE that!

I would like to send you a hug and thank you for sharing yourself through your site.

At the risk of sounding like I don't get it, you know that copacetic *is* a word and it means okay. I think you know what it means. It fits so well with what you are thinking. I'll put my school marm glasses back on and go back to sitting in the corner and letting you do your thing.

Good for you!!!

Self-care is the hardest thing to learn. Keep it up!

I also loved that, Wendy, "Niblled to death by ducks" is the best way of explaining it!!

And Kristy, I feel awful to have not mailed a darn thing yet but I already made labels and actually *found* the items I need to mail (LOL) while cleaning house this past weekend and I Proclaim I will do my darndest to get it all off in the mail on Saturday. As God is my witness and all that. Thank you for being so patient!!

This is such an amazing description of that very specific crazy-making experience that most of us don't handle nearly as well. Keep on with your Meow-Mix-bringing, poop-outscooping self!

neighborhood walks are the best.

Oh, and I usually call it "being smothered by a ton of feathers". Each feather? Very light. One ton of feathers? That'll kill you, even if they are just feathers.

Thank you - this is a very inspiring post. Another former smoker here who totally understands the urge!

Thank you for sharing.

Wow!! This post hit home for me. I LOVE it! Your writing makes me laugh, but it also makes me think. It's true - it's my life, and I am just living it. I make choices each day, and I have to make the ones that work! I'll get there - thanks for sharing your journey!

Oh my. Me too, on so many of the things you talk about. Me too.

Look how far you've come! I'm so proud of you.

Oh I am so in the same boat, I feel your pain!!! You keep walking, I'll keep walking!

"There is a part of me that is tired, and weak, and scared, and not ready for more Growth And Learning. There is a part of me that will always be a smoker, an overeater, someone who likes to take the edge off with a pile of wine and cheetos."

OMG - I know. There's a part of me that wishes I could live semi-unconsciously. This self awareness crap is so completely exhausting sometimes. I got through my twenties, completely excited to be in my thirties, because I thought I would have gotten through a huge learning curve. My twenties were very emotional, very multi-personality disorder come to life. But alas. I am now thirty-one and I would have to say that the learning pace of the last year was just as vigorous as the previous years, but I do find that the life topic of which I'm learning, becomes less all-consuming. Take for example, this last year I learned about having adult friendships, what that looks like, feels like. It was a slightly easier lesson to learn that say, learning how to cope with gross injustice in the workplace, or my personal favorite, "How not to own every decision every one else makes."

I feel ya Sistah friend.

I used to tell you how wonderful walks were and now you have inspired me to put on my walking shoes and take a lunch time walk. It's been a while for me and I really could use one today.

I hate to be the bad influence, but I think you should give into temptation every once in a while.

Do the cats know you pet dogs or do you wash your hands when you get home?

Guess I won't go get that chicken cutlet wrap with doritos to help me deal with our workflow going to goo today. Thanks for the coping perspective.

You're so right, Laurie. There's just us, each one.

There is no wagon.

In fact, when you write your book? That should be the title.

P.S. Don't forget to knit.

I, too have given up dieting and in doing so, stopped drinking red wine every night. It was super hard the first night because it would have been so easy to just pour the wine into my fun new wine glasses but I finally went to bed without doing it. The second night was easier, and now it's been over a month. I stopped low carbing and started buying cereal and bread again and realized I want these things in my life. I don't want to give up foods I like so I thought I would leave some on my plate for every meal and walk a bunch at night. I haven't done the walking but my pants have NOT gotten tighter nor have I gained any weight. I am thrilled cuz I know that not drinking has contributed to my weight staying the same, although I miss going to the grocery store and checking out all the lovely bottles of wine. I am single with one cat and sometimes I come home grouchy and don't want to play even though he brings me his ribbon to hide under the rug until he can just barely grab onto it. It's hard without any more vices to get me through the evening but I'm hanging in there. Thanks for your post.

YOU ROCK SISTA GIRL! You are so inspiring and we all relate to you so much because you are REAL and tell it like it TRULY is! Life is a struggle and saying "NO" to those damn good things in life that make us feel comforted for the moment; cigs, booze and big macs is A HARD LESSON to overcome and YOU are doing it, Laurie. Keep up the good work and keep laughing and showing us pics of those adorable kitty critters! LOVE YA!!! ^..^

One word: tupperware.

It's the best stuff to throw, because it won't break, and if you leave it outside for a few days, it won't be destroyed.

Mary Jo -- I actually meant to write something about the bread, too, and I will soon. I also added toast (my favorite food!) back into my life after years of low carbing and failing miserably. I think the seratonin in bread has made me less crazy LOL.

Well, a little less crazy.

I've read your blog for quite a while, and never commented before. This time I had to, to say CONGRATULATIONS! I bet you will look back on this post in a month or two and realize what a HUGE step you took yesterday (okay, a thousand steps, but still).
Not only did you NOT do all the bad things you wanted to do, you did something incredibly good for both your body and your soul. And it worked, and you felt better, and I hope you are incredibly proud of yourself.
Someday I hope I can get to that point, but for now, I'll cheer you on and envy your strength.

What a lovely post. I am in the baby steps of embarking on a similar "get healthy for life, not just till I lose the weight" program myself. Your statement that "there's no wagon to fall off" really hit home. I hope you don't mind that I am adding that to my mantras that will get me through the days when I really want a chocolate brownie.

It makes a world of difference when YOU are the one who decided to "take away"/change your life by getting rid of the "bad" things. When I quit the smoking...12 years now...I was only failing myself if I slipped. When a doc of mine tried to 'take away' the fried foods for cholesterol's sake, he could kiss my butt. It had to come from me.

Kuddos to the walking. I've taken that up myself...unless it's raining out...then there's ice cream. Cuz I can't be good all the time...

psychomom -- I wash my hands before the cats can tell I have been unfaithful. There is actually a cat one block over that loves me so much, he's like a dog and will walk with me part of the way. I love him and want to catnap him.

But I already have a herd, and La Soba would not be pleased. :)

Tana, I think you hit it RIGHT ON.

Walking is the single most effective exercise for both body and brain that I have ever found, even a short 10 minute walk does wonders to clear away the cobwebs and I do my best problem-solving (sometimes I just obsess relentlessly as I go, depends on the issue) when I'm walking. I do like my glass or two of wine but find more joy in sitting down with a bit of knitting and maybe just accomplishing a little something is enough, when it's been a no-good, terrible sort of day. Take stock of what's good in your life and keep moving forward.

It happened, and you dealt! Yay you! Thanks for sharing.

Wow, you're becoming such a grown-up! All healthy decisions and such.

Days like that remind me of a great children's book: Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. I can relate to Alexander even though he's a boy in elementary school. We all have them. We all get mad at the world despite our best efforts. I always called them "stop the world I wanna get off for a while" days. Bad days suck.

And kudos to you for dealing with it in a healthy manner by taking a walk!

In the words of Randy on AI, "You know the thing I love about you" Laurie is that you are not only so hysterical, multi-talented (knitting, gardening, cat-caring, writing, etc. etc.) and perceptive, but you are soooo wise. Thanks once again for an inspiring post!

I so love to read your writing. You are an amazingly funny, honest, beautiful person. You put the ugly right out there with the good, and you make us better for knowing that we are not alone in our pain and joy.

W.:)

I feel your pain. Someone(s) has pissed in my cornflakes every day this week. At one point this morning, there was a line to pee in my cornflakes. I'm wondering if Mercury has retrograded again - something is wonky in the world! I'm feeling better knowing that I'm not the only one. Besides that, I have the cutest shoes of anybody today!!

girl, you are such a grown up!
I can only aspire to be so mature some day.
I have 2 kids, and sometimes I act more like the kid than they do. Temper tantrums are my specialty.
walks are good. I need to get back into it. Put on my pod and walk until I am stress free.
oh, and I have a cat or dog butt in roughly 1/3 of every picture I take!

Your right we need to be grateful for what we have I had one of those days yesterday although dealing with my Mom's cancer I came home and unleashed on my blog about it and I forcefully reminded myself about what I have. Sometimes we need to do that, of course petting some dogs and cats along the way helps.:)

I comment here, like, once a year, but I'm delurking to say this: you're awesome. That's all :)

You are truly an inspiration. Thank you for this post.(You drank only 9/10 of a bottle?)

This is so true! Physical activity is the key to a balanced life (says the sage with the wide load sticker on her butt sitting in her comfy office chair).

My boyfriend (who is 59) continually recites his grandmother's saying about this. Whenever your brain is overwrought, she said,

"Grab a hoe and go to work."

At least I hope she spelled it with an "e." :)

After whining and being generally wrapped up in my emotions for a month or two (or a hundred) last year, Valentine's day arrived. When I got home my present was on the kitchen table ... a bright red .... you guessed it: Hoe.

Keep up the good work. BTW, I've used the hoe exactly once. :)

Delurking to tell you that I love the blog. (Love Bob's tail!) Love that you make me feel sane for my own temper tantrums, or at least not alone.

I wish I was half as strong as you are....maybe one day.

Just keep walking...(can't you hear Dorie from Nemo?)

Oh hooray! That's just awesome Laurie. I had a day like that yesterday too. But I hid from my family and just sulked the evening away. I wish I had taken a walk like you did.

The other nice thing about trying to improve your lifestyle is that there is always tomorrow. Perhaps next time I will remember your words and take a walk.

Kudos to you, Laurie! I've also been doing the "not dieting" diet thing for the last year and a half and it totally works! I've lost 75 lbs. doing it so I just wanted to encourage you to keep it up and say kudos for taking that de-stress walk. It's SO hard to do that when all you really want to do is eat an entire box of dougnuts (my personal former coping strategy) or whatever. But the good feeling from the walk will last a LOT longer than the brief sugar (or nicotine or whatever) high would have. Keep it up!

Hi Liz, glad to see you back and hope your feeling better.

Cory, I love his grandmother's saying, as a former hoe(r), it is the only way to clean out the bad garden intruders.

Amen.

You got an AMEN over here, girl. And good for you for summoning the Goddess of Beta Endorphins and Brain Soothing by walking. Got to follow your lead more often over here!

All best to you and skritches to the adorable felines!

My God, that was me last night - well, except for the walk part. But, damn, life has been hard lately. I'm just coming up on the one-year anniversary of my best friend's death, another close friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a few weeks ago, and her chances of surviving even two years are very low, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years, I met a man who made me rethink that whole "love-at-first-sight-is-ridiculous" thing and even got up the courage to email him an invitation for a date and he said yes! only never, ever to call. And I was watching Walking and Talking, which is all about two women in their thirties, best friends for life. One is single and having a hard time being alone and the other is getting married, and I couldn't decide which was more painful, being reminded of how much it sucks to be single when everyone else you know is married or being reminded how nice it is to have a friend who has known you forever and loves you to the core. So I did a hell of a lot of crying and I wanted a cigarette and some bourbon and maybe an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's, but I didn't. I went to bed early and set the alarm to make sure I could go to the goddamned gym before work. And I was proud of myself, but at the same time it's still really, really hard.

You walked. Walking is good. You know what else is good? KNITTING. Add it to your arsenal of non-destructive coping tools. Good for what ails ya, even if it isn't all that aerobic....

This post almost made me do the ugly cry, and I'm not sure why.

But I think it's because I've never before seen anyone who took the walk instead of eating/drinking/smoking before. I've read magazine articles that say you should do it, but I've never seen anyone DO it, and I figured it must not really work.

Holy shit, you mean it WORKS?! I'm not being facetious (much) -- I'm honestly stunned and impressed and desperately, pathetically hopeful that if you can do it, I can too.

So next time I want to eat an entire bag of semi-sweet morsels -- I can take a walk instead. I can. Laurie did it, and I can too.

We'll be copasetic.

I've been thinking that your blog is like the best book I read; smart, compassionate, strong, funny. And, a most wonderful part about it is that it doesn't end. What a strong perspective and great post - I sent it to my sisters and a friend.

I've adopted my friend's mantra 'the need to eat or imbibe will pass, whether I eat/imbibe or not'.

My heart just stopped when I read your sentence 'there is no wagon'. No more going-to sometime, when I'm well enough, happy enough etc., points of reference. I do agree with the previous post that you've got the title to your book.

Wow and thank you.

Your post today hit me like a brick, "there is no wagon to fall off of". Amazing wake-up moment.
Thank you.

Very healthy. It's all about lifestyle and not diet. And lifestyle says that it's OK to splurge every now and then. Glad you've figured that out.

What a truly amazing woman you are!!

Not needing various anaesthetics, you're now a cope-ascetic! I love Kenneth Cole shoes (the only comfy and very cute thing I can wear), and--so upsetting--would have thrown that boot into the doody pile. But when you calm down entirely, make sure you didn't hurt any of that okra.

Copasetic, hm? I'm presently copaseticizing with my new addiction--Trader Joe's dry roasted edamame (= junk food calories without worries). I think it's not so much about BK or Carl's Junior, but about substituting good stuff for those emotional eating needs ... even if that means chewing one soy bean after the other.

Good going, Laurie. And can you find that heel for the boot and glue it back on?

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm de-lurking because you need to know that you are an inspiration to me. Everything, all the hurt, all the bad coping skills, the sadness - well you know - is me. I'm there right now, and you are many miles ahead of me, having taken one step at a time.

You have done what I need to do and you are a shining example and role model.

I love you. (in a totally non stalker, non-sexual way)

Two words: Thank you.

I have moments of believing that I too could go without the wagon. This is the way it will work for me too but I have to give up the food coping stratedgy. Ouch.

The "Universe with a capital U" has been telling me for a couple of days that I shouldn't be afraid of failure. That I need to take responsibility for my health. You told me today not to label and this is a fantastic reminder to live in the moment.

Message received. Thanks be to the messenger. :)

You are awesome to have gone for a walk instead of indulging an inappropriate urge. Good for you! I bet you even felt a little better for it, and not a wee bit guilty.

As for the boot, take it to a shoe repair place! In fact, if you bought the boots at Nordstrom, do you know they offer free shoe repair for life? So take it there, if you bought it there.

You totally inspired me today. Thanks!

Terrific post. Very inspirational. I'm going through something similar right now. There is no wagon to fall off. It is a scary place to be, but it's also a good place. Hang in there.

I'm starting a Body Makeover aka Boot Camp four week program on Monday. I can't wait! I wish it was today! I've used so many things as excuses for gaining weight and being out of shape - I quit smoking (three times), I've had hormonal issues, dealt with tons of emotional stress, etc., etc., etc. You get the picture. What I've come to realize is that we ALL have issues to deal with and coping mechanisms that are unhealthy. We've all been there. There's a ton of people out there to say "good for you" and MEAN IT and the important thing is...you went for a walk. You made the choice to cope in a positive, healthy way. Yay you!

Thanks Laurie, for living out loud. I hear you! I have been wanting to get in shape and I have been putting it off and denying the fact that I had to actually do something. Finally, last night I came home from work and took a walk. It's a start, and knowing that unless I do it, it won't happen makes a world of difference.

I wanted to know, when it comes to your blog posts, do you write them out ahead of time? I (also) am a life-long reader and writer, so I wanted to see how you go about getting these words out there. It's hard to write and share that writing--the emotional barrier can get in the way. I am inspired by your courage to share it all with us. Thanks so much for what you do. I look forward to CAP: The book. ;-)

Very cool, Laurie. I've been having that sort of week, and apparently left my brain somewhere 'cause I can't find it! I very nearly went over the edge in the "retail therapy" area and will have to withstand temptation at Knit Night tonight. Reading your post made me feel better and not so "deprived".

You might want to go back a few posts and read Phyllis' horoscopes again. April 12th is tomorrow, yay!

Thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this today!

"in excellent order." Did you look it up? Because that's what THAT WORD means. :)

You go girl. You just GO. You rock! I'm all re-inspired. :)

Yea for you! It DOES happen. Last night I did not cope as well as you. There was a stiff drink involved and maybe some fries. I'm not beating myself up though.

Know what else is wonderfully relaxing? I got a swing for my yard. It is so lovely in the evening to sit and swing and listen to yourself and nature and neighbors.

I gave up drinking at 16. I gave up smoking at 26. The sugar and junk food went out about 4 years ago. The only coping mechanism I have left, and I use it often and well, is heavy metal. No calories and no negative physical effects (as long as you wear your earplugs to concerts!). I'm now 35, and I can't get pregnant and, well, lately I've needed it a lot.

The draw of heavy metal for me is that it has enough "bad" attached to it that it really helps. And it's those "bad" things that so often help us when we're angry and frustrated. I can turn on the Korn or the Pantera or, if it's been a really bad day, the Mastodon on the way home from work. And I turn it up really loud (my poor little Prius!). That release is so cathartic.

Maybe you should try?

WAIT!!!!

Did you forget the beloved shopping with money you don't really have coping mechanism??????

Holy cow pies woman!!

I stop at the drive thru on the way to buying things I can't afford (and probably don't need) so's I got enough energy to sign the slightly bouncy check and then I stop at a lovely drive thru after because I did the Bad Thing (well, two actually).

Nope. No issues here. Move along.

(I am proud of you; I have really very much idea how hard all of your post is except for the wine. Go Grrrl.)

Wow.
You so grown up! :)

great post. btw, i've been off the smokes for a year...and i still think about them everyday. but, alas, happines is a choice.

What a great post. I hope I can get to where you are. I'm sure I'll be coming back to re-read this many times.

That picture reminds me of one I took on Easter...

http://www.twango.com/media/Bratfink.public/Bratfink.10056

Only I had no one to blame but myself.

*sigh*

I won't say much but "There is no wagon" is so deep that I have written it on my monitor.

Rachel,
When I have something tangled up inside me, I write to get it out or it just sits in there all messy until I do. I have been like this since I was real little, and it's kind of like therapy, just write the guts of it until it's out there. Then you feel all clean inside! I do most of that in a private, paper diary.

For this website, I will sometimes write things (the personal stuff) and hold onto it for a day or week or two, making sure I feel okay sharing it. I have things sitting in the "Future" pile that I wrote a year ago and I'm still not okay with releasing LOL. But I needed to write it down all the same.

I have learned now that I really have to be centered and okay with the topic before I can let it out for public comment.

Diary-writing is (in my opinion) one of the best things on the whole planet! You're not obligated to publish it, share it, though the most awesome thing about the internet is that I think it's encouraged folks to start writing in a more daily fashion, with all this blog stuff.

You're right about the emotional barrier -- so I say, write just for you! Make some things private, or if you must do it online, create an anonymous blog. Purge. Get it all down in words and don't worry about what someone says (this is why a paper diary is the BEST invention ever.)

About 1/8 of what I write goes online, the rest is private and that's just fine with me. I'm a weirdo, though -- I get the itch to write something down and I cannot stop, I do it on napkins, on the back of the light bill, once I was in a bar in Canada on vacation with my ex-husband and had to go to the ladies room and scribble some thoughts on the back of a menu!

Anyway I hope that helps. I always feel real weird talking about "blogging" stuff because I'm such a technological dumbass, but I love to talk about writing stuff down. I know I never spellcheck and have comma splices and people get hives from all the "ya'll"ing and all that junk. I don't even care, it's the sheer love of just putting words together. It's such good therapy and way cheaper LOL.
--laurie

damn but I am wordy!!!

No, you are verbose.

Wordy is for people who have nothing to say. :)

Good work! Running's even better...

Just saying that I am so, so proud of you. Weird as that is.

And also? Have been there with the heel breaking off. Only in my case the heel was lost in the mud of a cemetary while visiting the somewhat recently departed. Drats.

I don't comment often, but I read faithfully, and I say GOOD FOR YOU. Your post made me laugh, tear up a bit (sniff), and want to go for a walk even though at this point in my day I am not stressed out. (I'm sure this will change momentarily.)

Again, I am going to print out this post and give it to my clients who are "not-dieting". So many of them don't get it, and you are so much more eloquent than I.

~smooch~

Oooh, I had a boot heel break off a couple off weeks ago too! Like you, I had no idea it really happened outside of books and movies. I was so angry about having to stomp around with just one heel.

This post is the best "I really get it" statement I've ever read! You are awesome! Dealing with simultaneous opposite cravings is just the way this Universe works--and you're doing it!

You know, there's something incredibly therapeutic about breaking plates. Go to Goodwill or Salvation Army and stock up on cheap plates. Those hideous thick plates in patterns that don't match that you can get for about 10 cents each. Smash them! I usually don't do it, because I'm afraid I'll leave a shard in the driveway and run over it and end up with a flat tire (therefore needing to smash more plates in frustration). But sometimes you just gotta cut loose and do it! Maybe you could do it in the crackhead's driveway or something. A less messy alternative is to hold it in one hand partway in the trashcan and smack it real good with a hammer. That way you get the satisfaction of breaking the plate, while the pieces fall right into the trash.

How is it that someone that is seven years younger than me is so much wiser?

Once again -- thanks for living out loud. You will never know how many you help....

Seems like the vast pile of dog poop from yesterday's post is a pretty good image for the way stuff sometimes piles up in our lives.

No matter how the it got there, it's how we cope with the shit pile that makes us or breaks us.

Gonna unhitch my wagons sometime soon, too.

Thanks.

um maybe you fell off of the "heel" wagon.

[ducking the flying heel-less boot]

that was good.

Thanks!

Hey, remember that email I sent you about my Mom?

*sigh*

Hopefully that is not your lasting impression of me (please delete it).

You've just covered today for me. From the moment I woke up it's just been one of those days. All day of it has pretty much reeked...until I read your post. Thank you sister for saying exactly what I've been feeling. I quit smoking, quit drinking and am trying to quit "dieting". Today I was thinking that maybe after work I'd go buy me some ice cream and some peach schapps and whip the two together and have me the best dinner evah! Now, I think I'll just go to my first SnB get together and maybe have some tea and a good time.

You had me laughing out loud for the first time today and believe me, that's just worth more than I can say right now!

Thank you Laurie! You ROCK!!

You are just awesome.
And I know walking is a lot better, but I find when I'm really stressed, cross stitching really makes my brain quiet. Plus, it's a lot cheaper than yarn.

I'm cheering for you. Not that you need it, mind you. :)

Copasetic means "completely satisfactory"

As in, "As a friend, Laurie is more than copasetic."

:)

- Rodger

Laurie-
I read your post on Bloglines this morning, and was moved. I got on with my day, but kept thinking about your statement 'there isn't a wagon to fall off of.' Your post was moving and timely, and I appreciate not only that you have a blog that's humorous and clever, but that you're not afraid to be fallibe, and that you're learning and willing to share with the rest of us out here struggling along. Cheers.

This is one of the most beautiful and inspiring blog posts I have ever read - thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences with us. And you are right, there really is no wagon to fall off of, you just have to decide to take care of yourself the best way you know how and keep on keepin' on with it. You rock!

You are great!
The cats are lovely!!!
And- I've broken the heel of my shoes at least three times ...

Regular lurker here - rare commenter. I too struggle often with making the right choices, every time. I have the following poem on my wall. I read it daily.

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/Healing/auto.htm

Thanks for sharing your journey.

I actually own a copy of "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible Very Bad No Good Day," and have been known to break it out and read it outloud to Frank when we are having one of those - or several in a row.

I walk home from work most days - it's three miles and takes about an hour and it takes a lot of the edge off. Plus, I gotta get home somehow, so it's kind of built-in exercise you don't really notice.

I am doing a Low-carb-well-sort-of-not-really-a-diet. I HAVE TO HAVE MY OATMEAL in the morning, damnit, and once a week, I eat a banana for the potassium and just because the low-carby folks say no bananas and I think they're very good for you, so there. Also yogurt once a week - it's good for everything. But! I have cut out vending machine food, and if we go to Jack In the Box, the only thing I can order is the Chicken Fajita Pita, which only has 300 calories and is low carb and tastes fantastic.

So if I can't eat candy bars, I'll find something else as a coping mechanism. I'm getting better about the budget but I still build in a few treats.

I just got word from a friend of mine that her husband of 10 plus years is having a midlife crisis and just walked out on her and their three lovely children - he's blaming her for his unhappiness, in a scenario that is like deja vu for what happened to me. I emailed her twice this morning and told her to read your blog so that she will know A) she is not to blame, B) she will get through it, and C) she is not alone.

Thank you for being such an inspiration, Laurie!

Dare I say it: it sounds like the action of a real grown-up.

Hmm....how much poo do you think you can fit in that shoe? I say, fill 'er up and toss it onto the neighbours porch :-D The mate as well since you can't go around with just one shoe...that would just be wierd.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories with us...good and bad. I always look forward to getting home so that I can see what you've gotten yourself into. You crack me up so freakin' hard!

Thank you. I have been having an absolutely rotten few days and this evening on my way home I contemplated a Dairy Queen pit stop. Surely something chocolatey will make everything all right, right? Reading your post made me change my mind and just get on with living my good life, my happy life (I'll be happy even if it hurts!), my new all about caring for me life. Not the old life which involves Dairy Queen or an entire pie. Its too cold here to walk or I would have taken the 2 hour walk. It will all be okay, different, but okay.

Availble alternative paths:

Start assembling the doll house furniture
Start regular piano practice
Start reading the stacks of unread books
Start the screenplay
Start sewing/knitting/crocheting the vast stash.
Start the vegetable garden
Start photographing the inventory for posterity
Start the video catalog
Start taking the prescribed antidepressants
Can't walk-the knees won't support the weight

I don't have to learn how to do any of those things. I already know how. Most of the raw materials are already in place. My question, as much to myself as anyone, is "Given the pleasant and/or productive alternatives to overeating and smoking listed above why is my thinking brain continually overpowered by whatever its evil twin is called?"

Well, I can do what I've intended to do for weeks now. Print out "Food never solved a single problem" on my ancient P-Touch and stick it on the fridge. At the same time print out "There is no wagon to fall off" (as a place to get to) and put it up there too. Print out today's post and hang it on the office wall near the computer. (pause) Ok, did all three.

It's a start.

Thanks Laurie.

thank you for being you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inspiring post -- just what I needed today.

Though thanks to Amy N Texas, I now also am picturing you swinging peacefully back and forth in your back yard, toward the poo mountain, and away from the poo mountain -- into the poo mountain's aura, and out of the poo mountain's aura. Ahh, so peaceful...

If I weren't 12 years older than you, I'd swear we were twins separated at birth. Except you're way funnier. And oh so much healthier. Seriously. This post just blew me away. I'm just now discovering the things you're talking about -- and I've got a decade+ on you... Just think about all that time ahead of you that you won't need to spend in therapy because you're getting it all together now, girl!

The bad news is: some days just suck. The good news is: most don't. The best news is: you know that, and are working with it... and keeping us all laughing and cheering for you (and for the part of you each of us sees in ourselves) in the process.

Hang in there -- and keep on writing -- you're awesome.

Just de-lurking to say, thank you for this post...I really needed to read something like this tonight. Thank you, Crazy Aunt Purl.

It's rather freeing that there is no wagon, isn't it? I'm finding this out myself and you have inspired me so much. I'm being healthy, have given up smoking, am exercising and for the first time in my life, I believe it is totally do-able. Thanks for reinforcing that fact!

You inspire me, and your blog is the last one I read every day. Keep on keepin' on, sister. Womankind needs more ladies like you.

Laurie, you rock!!!

When I first "met" you on your blog you'd only been blogging a few months and everything was still very raw and you were very wounded and still bleeding. Around that time Kelly Clarkson had a song out called "Since U Been Gone" and a little later she came out with "Behind These Hazel Eyes" and both of those songs reminded me of you.

I heard one of them again today and I was thinking that those songs don't describe you any more. They haven't for a long time now. You have moved on and grown and flowered and bloomed.

You are a wonderfully strong example and inspiration to me. I read your blog faithfully. I rejoice in your triumphs and feel sad when you're having a tough go of things.

You are a wise person and I thank you for sharing your wisdom.

I totally appreciate your honesty.
If we were to split 9/10ths, that would be, um, 4.5/10ths each? IM so not good at math. If we dump out 1/10th, we can each have 4/10ths? OH, silly me. nevermind.
Thanks for the post. Fo serious.

You know - I had a lot of the same struggles after a couple of surgeries and some garden variety misery over the last two years. Last January, I just decided to eat clean and just simply be consistent with exercise, not for the way I look but just so that my body could be strong enough to do the things I want it to. And just like Monica Lewinsky, I knit my little heart out and you know? I think it helped. I never weighed myself but my doctor told me I lost 20 pounds. Keep it up - you're doing great.

When you said your heel broke, all I could think of was Kathleen Turner's character in The Jewel of the Nile ... have you seen that movie? Do you remember when she breaks a heel, and then Kurt Russell's character takes a machete and whacks the heel off the other shoe so they match, and then she goes running around in the jungle with these two heelless shoes and they don't even hurt her feet or anything.

You should have asked one of your cow orkers for a machete or something.

Have you ever heard of volksmarching?
Go to ava.org (American Volkssport Association)
to learn about this walking "sport".

You can find an event walk or year-round walk in just about every state.

You follow a map or marked trail designed by a club and you can find interesting walks to do just about anywhere. You do them at your own pace, you can pay a small fee to keep track of walks and earn awards or just walk for FREE.

Fun, Fitness & Friendship -

Check out ava.org

Good for you! I totally laughed out loud when you got to the "copasetic" part. I gave up smoking altogether about 4 years ago and I still want one everyone once in a while when I'm stressed. (I don't but I sure want one.)

well fuck. here i am, cranky and angry... with my cigarette, budweiser, and girl scout cookies feeling kinda cheap ;) ok ok, i'll go for a walk. but ONLY because my dog wants one too! i am NOT doing this for me, get that?

Hey you, just checking if you ever got my email? Sent it a few weeks back. I bet I ended up in spam!

Well anyway, I've discovered a German knitting blog that I swear is you... in a parallel universe... well, maybe just in Germany. YOU WILL BE FLOORED! Intrigued? Write me to let me know you're alive! :)

(sgotn of lcf, circa 2002? 2003? if that helps!)

eggs are good for smashing.....they are fairly cheap and you can do it in the bathtub if need be.
i am a lurker, but i just wanted to say you inspire me.

Good for you for not giving in to past temptations...I still have my 'last cigarette' in a downstairs cupboard, it has been there since Dec 5, 2004. Knowing it is there, even though I'd never smoke it 'cause it must be pretty disgusting by now, helps me say 'I don't smoke' when I'm tempted, which fortunately isn't very often now.

All I want to know is...did Soba give the BEAT DOWN to Bob for ruining her moment? Ha!

You rock. This post hit home. What an inspiration.

Many times when I am in a pisser of a mood I still want a cigarette. Hell, a big fat stinky stogie, a glass of good white and a gigantic negative bitchfest. Sucks when you have to be the model of how to treat yourself with dignity so your daughter can learn how to do the same thing for herself.

I wait until dark to throw things out into the yard, then at the crack of way too early, I go get it before the Girly wakes up and the others arrive for the day.

Thanks again Aunt Purl. Once again I feel so connected to you. I feel like i am living a parallel life. I too have recently quit smoking, and because the drink makes me want to smoke, i've given up the booze as well. i WAS on a fitness program of both dieting and working out, but i've given it up. I too get so upset with the mean emails and then have nothing to relieve it with any more. Loved your post, loved it. Perhaps it will motivate me to take a walk next time when i'm so mad, and have a fit in front of the kids...better than THAT guilt.
tanks.

hahahahahahaLOL loved the whole muttering while walking. Did anyone follow you, say, dressed in nice white doctor coats? No? Perfect!!

and we finally got a Trader Joe's in the atlanta area! whoohoo!

Cuz I'm allllready standin'
On the ground.

Yay you!
Hmmm... I think I should take a good hard look at the coping mechanisms I use for, let's just call them the stresses of parenting. My life is undoubtedly constrained, but I have a tendency to see constraints that aren't there, to say "I can't do that" without really thinking about whether I really could.

P.S. Did you know that nobody can quite figure out where the word copasetic came from? There are folk etymologies, but no one knows for sure which one (if any) is correct.

Hi Laruie,
walking is great and it's working. Whenever I feel like I am loosing the plot - I walk. Yes it does take at least an hour to get rid off all the negative energy, but the result is worth is.

And a little off subject. Did you ever think about publishing your blog, sort of like a book or something. It will surely be a hit, you are a great writer. I think it could be much bigger than Bridgit Johns (sorry, couldn't help the comparrison).

Hi Laruie,
walking is great and it's working. Whenever I feel like I am loosing the plot - I walk. Yes it does take at least an hour to get rid off all the negative energy, but the result is worth is.

And a little off subject. Did you ever think about publishing your blog, sort of like a book or something. It will surely be a hit, you are a great writer. I think it could be much bigger than Bridgit Johns (sorry, couldn't help the comparrison).

Okay, so this is old buisness, because I've been lurking in your archives for a few months. The whole snakes on a plane thing...I almost died laughing. I'm a college student and the RA's in my hall have taken to calling themselves "Snakes on a Substaff" and it's on posters for everything they sponsor. Old new but still, I didn't think anyone else found it all as funny as I did.

Bossy wrote the caption to your photo: The Tail of Two Kitties.

I am late to the party, but can't help saying what a gift your post is--and the same of the comments, which are uniformly thoughtful, encouraging, and appreciative. You've created a nice little community here!

Thanks so much for posting this, Laurie! "There is no wagon to fall off." It's a reassuring feeling, taking responsibility for my own health rather than putting all my faith in a program or a routine or a diet. Gosh, but I'm bad at diets. But you're right: There is no wagon. It's just a choice, a series of choices. Thanks for being strong and sharing your strength and insights with us!

I love this post. I know all about wishing I still had those “bad” coping skills to get through things. I am so proud of you.

wait wait wait. You walked for 2 hours. Go Girl! Also I have to say, I have a punching bag, that mostly gets used to hang wet laundry on. Although when I feel like that (lack of coping) I close the door, put on my boxing gloves and beat senselessly at it until I am not angry anymore. Or you could try screaming, I hear Madonna does that but I can't seem to let go of the idea that a neighbor might call 911.

Oh, if only you knew how much I needed to read this! I, too, have given up all my old (unhealthy) coping mechanisms, and it leaves you feeling so bereft, at times. Thanks for saying it so clearly; knowing I'm not the only one to feel this way makes it better.

I am also without my coping mechanisms of late and while it's hard (sodding hard), it's gotta be worth it. Well done!

Awesome entry. Wow. I am envious and excited for you at the same time. I too have recently come to some conclusions about me and who I am. And for the first time in 28 years of life, I actually like me. No really! I like me and I like who I am and I realize that I am the only one that I answer to. I have to make myself happy and do what myself wants to do. Yay for you.

Good for you. Reacting in a way that is good for you takes practice. It will help reaffirm all the self-esteem gestures you do everyday which give you the strength to make good desicions.

I saw this yesterday but didn't read it 'til today. I was having a day like that on Tuesday! And it's funny, how it's easy to do the bad things, and hard to do the good things, because you're out of habit or they take a little momentum to get started, but then, when you finally do them, you're like, "Why don't I do this all the time?" It's weird how we torture ourselves. So, YAY, LAURIE! GO!

yes, yes, yes....thank you.

When I quit smoking (One year and one month ago, woo-hoo!) I joined an online support group. They have milestones that I found kind of dorky at first, but then I started to take comfort in the silliness, like I wasn't alone, even when I felt ridiculous. When I became an "Elder" (told you it was dorky) at the 100 day mark, I wrote a thing in their forums. Here is an excerpt:

Three days ago, running an errand on my bike, I was hit by a car. HAHA! A fat, out-of-shape smoker would NEVER run errands on a bike. I wasn’t seriously injured, but I do need to recover. The old ME would have taken that as a sign that this healthy-living crap is nonsense. But I see it as a minor setback. Everyone has bad days. Smoking would not make: my job easier; my boss smarter; my mother nicer; my bank balance bigger; my mortgage payment smaller; or The Boy’s schedule better. Unpleasant stuff is going to happen, whether or not I choose to smoke. BUT, choosing to NOT smoke, every moment I have with the people I love, in my personal life OR at work, will improve ... Eventually, whether you finally get sick of poisoning yourself or your family; or you’re on oxygen because you DIDN’T LISTEN and the hospital won’t let you go smoke - EVERYBODY HAS TO QUIT. I’m GLAD I chose a longer, healthier life. You will be too - I promise!

When I was reading this post I said "dang, now she should have gone on a walk".

Then I got to the part where that's exactly what you did!!!

FG clapping for CAP!!!!!!!

It took like five minutes to scroll down to the bottom of this comment page to leave a new one. I don't even want to know what number commenter I am.

Anyway, it sounds like that boot REALLY needed a time out.

Oh, and I used to love to go out for a walk around the eclectic neighborhood I lived in in Austin, TX while in grad school. That's how I saw my first real cotton plant. Someone had just planted one little cotton plant in their front yard next to the sidewalk. I was so excited that I actually came back with a camera later. And, this was BEFORE I started knitting. Loved that neighborhood.

I, too, am de-lurking to thank you for sharing this. Thank you for taking the walk, and thank you for writing about it afterwards.

Girl... the river in South America has given up your secret. Congrats!!

Awesome. That is fantastic. I hope I can grow up someday too.

*hugs*

excellent post! But I am actually de-lurking to comment on the comment you wrote about your writing. (whew! lol) I, too, have been curious about your writing methods and was just about to ask the same question. So thank you for elaborating on this! I've been considering the "writing ahead of time and letting it sit awhile before possibly posting" method and I'm glad for my Inner Critic to hear that it really works!

Hi there - I just ran across your post and WHOA! Thank you so much for writing about your coping experience and how to cope. Your thought processes and responses to all the stuff we all go through every day really hit me PING right between the eyes! Funnily, I'm right there with you and have been wondering how to cope, every minute or so, and since I can't hide under my desk and take a nap or go downstairs to the bar in my building, guess I'll go take a walk. Thanks so much, I'm saving your post for future moments like today...

great post...great job!

Laura, no one walks in L.A. Oh, that's right, you live in "the Valley."

Love your blog.

That's the most grown up thing i ever heard anybody say.

Bravo for you Laurie!! We make choices everyday. Whether we want to get up or stay in bed and hide from the world, etc. I like to look at life as an adventure to see what I can learn, but also give back. I am working on the eatting coping mechanism though. (I wonder if cats like to be taken for walks. >^..^< ) Knitting is a wonderful coping mechanism, cross-stitch, needlepoint, reading, yoga, again choices. Keep up the great work Laurie! And don't emotionally beat yourself up if you should "fall off the band wagon," it gets you nowhere. You're human and going to make mistakes. Admit that you made it, learn from it, and go on. Plus, look for the good in your life, remind yourself of the good in your life, and be grateful for it.

I can sooooo identify with the temper tantrum. Like the one I had today because my 6 yo daughter got into a bag 'o b-day gifts for someone else and lost the stupid receipts. And would not look for them. DH was home on a conference call w/ work and came up after and said ' BTW, the Senior VP of Global Crossing wants to know what the kids did.' oops. Perhaps he should try being home for a week with 4 kids when it is too damned cold out (snow! on easter sunday!!! global warming, my ass!) so they are inside, fighting with each other, 24/7. Everyone needs to have a tantrum once in a while. Think of it as a mental version of one of those toxin flush drinks.

Kinda needed to read that, totally get that day you had -- I really need to make some changes too. also grossed out by your neighbors, the yelling, poo-mountain-builders. Mean people suck and animals rock.

laurie,

Who is the A**hole that posted the junk above?

I loved this post... it has really resonated with me the past few days. No one but me suffers from my weaknesses and my self doubt. I have to be a better person for the sake of it. Why is it so hard?

I'm going to keep this post for my own use. For inspiration. I'm going to quit cigarretts tomorrow and not go on a diet. And you are my inspiration. I like the way you word things and it hits home. I have been trying for awhile to quite the cigs and the wine. Now I'm really going to do it. My mom died in Feb of ischemic colon and my father died of cancer. All in the same year. Mom was 44 and Dad was 46. They both smoked. And my mom drank alot. I know it's my time to do for me and that's what I'm going to do. I'm turning 47 on April 19th and I don't want to have these bad habits around when I turn. It will be hard to walk around here because I'm in the woods and the street isn't really made for walking but I need to do it. I used to walk alot and I loved it.

Thank you for writing about you. Because you really do inspire people. Love ya Purl and as long as you keep writing those words of wisdom I will keep listening.

Congratulations!

Of course, one of my frustrations is that I can't go for long walks any more. Or work out the way I used to. Or drink. Or smoke. Or eat sugar. Or pretty much anything, all adding to the frustrations.

I have, at the age of 50, discovered cutting.

Yeah, I know. That's why this is the first post I've ever made without my name on it. But I have nothing else.