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April 5, 2007

Dear Fashion World: I would like to speak to your Supervisor, please!

I know we talked about this last year.

And I know that the world has many important and troubling issues and most people do not come to this here personal diary expecting to see VULGAR and VILE and PROFANE things. So, I apologize for being both redundant and PROFANE, but here is actual photographic proof that the fashion world has lost their damn minds:

badfashion-formalshorts.jpg


Listen, Fashion World, I did not want your formal shorts last year when you tried to tell me my ample hiney should be encased in dry-clean-only polyester blend cuffed short-shorts. Because hi! Nothing will emphasize the wideness (and for that matter, mayonaisse whiteness) of my dimpled thighs like the oh-so-useful FORMAL SHORTS.

I scoffed last year because scoffing is what I do when faced with four inches of nasty rayon posing as pants. These are not pants. These are like panties with belt loops. This is not helping me, people. I NEED REAL CLOTHING OPTIONS.

Since I started Not Dieting and stopped having my McDonald's dinner-before-dinner (so many drive throughs, so little time) and since I started walking every day, I have very slowly little-by-little come to notice that my work clothes are maybe a tad looser. And it was fine at first, barely able to notice it, really, but lately it's more obvious that I need pants which will stay up on their own without the help of safety pins. And normally I would be very happy about this development, except I am now at that awkward in-between size:

Not quite a Woman, not yet a Misses.

I walked all around the downtown Macy's checking out the newest styles and trying desperately to find something work-appropriate that fit (read: "plain black trousers.") There were racks and racks of size 2s hanging out, but all the larger sizes in the "normal" section were long gone. (Question: Why do stores only order ONE pair of size 16s and ONE pair of size 14s, and then twelve pairs of size 2? WHY?)

Then I went to the Women's section and interestingly enough, none of the clothes looked even remotely the same as the clothes elsewhere in the store. It's as if all designers think if you grow beyond a size 12 or 14 0r -- OH NO-- even a 16, God Forbid, you immediately give up all desire to look like a normal human being and want desperately to cover yourself in flammable fabrics that have all or one of the following:

GLITTER
badfashion-sparkly.jpg


APPLIQUES
badfashion-applique.jpg


RHINESTONES
badfashion-rhinestones.jpg


PSYCHEDELIC LACE POLYESTER
badfashion-prints.jpg


These pictures are all sort of blurry and weirdly lit because I did not want to be hauled into Macy's Jail for taking pictures. Because if this is what is on the display floor in Macy's ... imagine what is in the JAIL.

And also: Hey Fashion Designers ... ARE YOU ALL WOMAN HATERS?

Because that is the only explanation I can come up with.

One day Faith and I were talking about her jeans. She was having some trouble with her brand-new Calvin Klein jeans, which fit her great through the hip and thigh and legs, but the waist was baggy and way, way too big.

"It's called The Gap," I informed her flatly.

"No," she said. "These aren't from The Gap, they're from Calvin Klein."

"That gap between your waist and the waistband on jeans, it's The Gap," I explained. "It's what happens when women-haters make jeans. They cut them to fit such objects as very thin straight planks of wood, legal-size paper and also yardsticks. But women? We have to get our jeans tailored at the waist or deal with The Gap."

"But WHY?" asked Faith.

"Because Fashion hates us."

And we laughed, because of course Fashion doesn't really hate us! Right? ... right?

THEN EXPLAIN THIS TO ME:
badfashion-reddress.jpg


It is enough to make you eat a mall pretzel and slink back home, isn't it?

Posted by laurie at April 5, 2007 9:44 AM