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March 7, 2007

March 2007 Hor-O-Scopes

At Stitch 'n Bitch last week I met a really nice gal from Ireland. She's here working for JPL-NASA in Pasadena and came to SnB to meet folks. She was so nice! When she said she worked at NASA, I didn't even hesitate to be a dumbass. I just let it pop right out.

I just looked right at her with awe and wonderment and said in my finest Country Fried Tater voice, "Wow, you must be smart!"

Also, in addition to having the unfiltered things spring forth from my talking regions, notice I often say my dumbass conversation starters... as declarative sentences. Not as questions. I just go off and declare some idiocy. I declare! You must be purty smart!

ANYWAY. She was real nice about it and just laughed. Gwen laughed too, but at me not with me. Still love you Gwen ... but, uh, don't hold your breath on a nice wedding gift now.(Oh! Just kidding! You are so getting yarn! Don't tell you husband-to-be!) And then I asked the nice Irish lady whose name I wrote down but promptly lost what she does at NASA and she is an astro-biologist. Looking for life in all the wrong planets. And then I made Gwen ask her if she had anything to do with Pluto getting demoted, which she did not, and so I breathed a sigh of astrological relief as I could now be friends with her.

That is, if I find out her name again and the whole dumbass part didn't scare her.

But I still have not accepted Pluto's fate as a planetary stepchild, just as I don't want Saturn back in my House of Anything or care to ever see Jupiter sit his wide load self down in my House of Rolling Nekkid In Money ever again.

Apparently, one of them is in my House of Run-On Sentences, though. Oops.

I think next month all the horoscopes will be in Haiku, which ought to drive your little noggins insane. "What does it mean? Why does this Haiku rhyme? And have twenty-nine syllables?" And also because these horoscope things take me a while and I don't like my diary to be work. I already have work. BOY DO I. In fact, my performance review at my job was pushed back from today to next Monday. What does this mean? Does this mean they are delaying telling me that I will now have to moonlight as the company mascot, a giant walking tie? Or does it mean that I will be moved to the basement with the storage boxes and my red stapler? Or do you think they're delaying anticipation of telling me I got a prize, like perhaps... "Most Improved in 2006 for not saying 'porn' in meetings" ???

Hey, it could happen. Although it's more likely that on Monday I will be handed my giant oversized tie costume with clown feet and told to shake a tailfeather in the lunchroom.

Ah, work. I love you.

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March 2007, better late than never


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Dr. Weil recommends that every once in a while you go on a news diet and purge your life of the obsessive need to know every. single. detail. of Anna Nicole Smith's burial drama trials and babydaddy issues. Okay, maybe he didn't phrase it exactly that way, but still you get the idea. Yes, I said it... a News Diet. And a gossip diet. I can't quite put my finger on what it is in your chart that's making me spout forth with this, except it seems like there's a little ripple of dissatisfaction, a tiny undercurrent of unhappy and all the distractions around you are well-meaning enough, like the news and the chitchat, but instead of making you feel more contentment and happiness... well, it's having the opposite effect. If you've been doing something to take your mid of your deep-seated discomfort, it's not working. The upside is that in March (particularly around the equinox on the 21st) it will be easier than ever for you to pick up some new activities, meet new people, or find new ways of getting happiness into your life. But really, all that Anna Nicole news is not helping. I am just saying is all.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
You know how people will take on projects, like home improvement stuff and even crafty things, and they just go at this endeavor with every free moment, spending all their time and energy happily puttering away? I call this "taking something on as an art project." We do it all the time, and Pisces is great at it! There's something magic about a Pisces and their ability to transform something into real art. So I think that this month (and all the way into the summer) you need to take YOURSELF on as an art project. Evaluate your raw materials, make a list (both a to-do list and a shopping list) and get to work excavating the treasure within. I love Pisces and I love that this is your birthday time and so I hope you consider this a little task for your new year ahead -- I say "task" because Lord knows ya'll can't think of it as a present to yourselves (I know how you are, Pisces.) You need to take some time appraising yourself, your life, your situation. Sizing yourself up as well (and often) as you do your closest companions. Think of what you'd like this art project to one day look like, then set yourself out to make your art project come to life.



ARIES (March 21- April 19)
I love me a good avoidance mechanism. You and I have this in common, Aries. Now, we also have in common the fact that I married me an Aries a long time ago and ya'll know I did you wrong for many months during "my sad time" since your horoscope looked something like, "Hope you fall over from an oozing social disease. Seeya, wouldn't want to be ya." Now that I am all healed and moved on and full of happiness and also Girl Scout Cookies (damn you, office cookie bringer! damn you!) I will share a secret: I first was attracted to an Aries because of the dynamic, creative and innate fun-ness associated with ya'll. You have ideas and concepts and whole philosophies (and you know I love me a good philosophy!) and there is something so attractive about this quality that it led even me astray into thinking Aries = Action! But sometimes ya'll = Avoidance! Now would be a good time to plug back into your life, plug back into the fun, charismatic, finger-guns toting you and less of the "Let me think of a reason why I can't do that" you. Just a suggestion. And sorry for the months of bad astrology.




TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Taurus folks have a chatty happiness that instantly attracts me. I know that like Cancers, ya'll have your little homebody issues sometimes but I love the way you move through life with a happy medium always perched solidly in your middle. You teeter to one end, roll to the other and yet somehow always manage to get upright in the end. Much like a Weeble! Weebles wobble but they do not fall down. That is my Taurus folks in a nutshell. You have a teensy bit of teeter in your chart, there are family obligations pulling you in all directions and some strangely misplaced expectations from your friends to look forward to, but in the end (which is to say, at the end of March through all of Mid-April) you will once again find yourself wobbling back up to the middle, where you and your Weeble-Taurus goodness will find a solid middle ground.



GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I have a Gemini friend who just put out an offer on a house in the Valley, just a few blocks from me! And he has a girlfriend, and his sister just had twins so he's an uncle twice over. He went through a messy and prolonged divorce right around the same time I did, and he constantly amazed me with his resiliency (read: ability to go out and date waaaay before I was ever ready.) He's moving onward and happierward with his life every day and it's so much fun to see the surprise on his face every time he says out loud something new and exciting that's going on in his life. It's like he's constantly amazed that this is his life. Gemini has the ability to do that -- focus so clearly on happy amazement and satisfaction -- as well as focus on the exact opposite, lack and despair. Twins and split personalities and all that. The ability to see the happy AND the sad is more of an asset than you might imagine, though. The secret no one wants to share in the astrology world is that Gemini isn't a split personality at all. Gemini just sees both sides of the proverbial clich├ęd coin better than any other sign in the zodiac. The trick is to decide which view you dwell on. It's your choice!

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
In his book called "Kosher Sex," Rabbi Shmuley writes that human beings need separation and reunion in order to sustain passionate love. "Even the slightest taste of absence will make the heart grow much stronger," he says. And he's right. Cancers would do well to remember such a wisdom in March and in life (and also, stop right this second looking at me in that tone of voice. I can read "Kosher Sex" if I want to! Granted, I thought it was a book about having sex and then eating bagels, but whatever! I learned some stuff!) We Cancers tend to want love and affection and adoration, so we often substitute closeness and proximity and ... well, it's a poor substitute. I think the trick may be that in your friendships, your relationships, even with your family you give yourself some room and space to breathe. Apply it to your job, too. If you work 60+ hours a week (ahem) ... you need time off! You need that time to avoid burnout. Stay at home moms? I am talking to you, too. All ya'll! Cancer, I know how you can be. Take the time away to be still and breathe and let a little air into your life. That way you can better enjoy the Kosher Sex...uh. I mean bagels. Or whatever.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Mercury is still doing its crazy thing until the middle of next week, or thereabouts, I always like to give Mercury a wide aisle to walk down since we've had our run-ins in the past. Anyway, I'm putting this right at the very tip-top of your forecast since I am late on the telling of forecasts this month (I do have to work for a living and by "work" I do not mean "sit around on the sofa pondering my bellybutton and eating astrological cheetos") and you don't want to step in any post-Mercury goo if you can avoid it. That means pay attention to financial and work-related stuff a little more closely, especially stuff that happens on days ending in "y." After the solar eclipse on the 18th, everything will be gravy in Leo. Or tuna in Leo? Or maybe ice cream in Leo. I don't know the correct metaphor (see: "Mercury harshes my linguistic buzz") but I do know that solar eclipses do funny things to Leos and ya'll are in for an excellent few weeks from the beginning of spring (March 21) onward. Whew, I am almost worn out from all the planetary chitchat going on in this horoscope. I need to get back to my cheetos.

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Manners are for rebels. That's why I love me a Virgo. Ya'll have manners but in the STRANGEST and loveliest ways. For example, you can always count on a Virgo to have an opinion. And share it. But a Virgo opinion isn't a character assassination, it's merely fact and logic formed with interest. Ya'll manage to say things that others could never get away with because your manners are on the inside, closest to the heart, and you never desire to hurt folks or drag 'em down. Some signs could take a lesson in this department though I will try to mind my manners and not mention which ones. Interestingly enough, your candor and honesty (which is almost always spot-on) can make people think you have no soft spots of your own. But your ability to see into others with a new light is second to your ability to be wounded deeply by those who can't see you clearly at all. Try to offer forth a little patience with these characters. Not everyone will understand you because you are unique, and different from them, and it might take a while for that to shine out. It's not personal. And they'll get some manners of their own, eventually.



LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
We all have so much stress wrapped up in money. Libra is no different, even with all the balance and Zen and so on associated with Libra folks, money can still bring up all sorts of tricky issues. Toward the end of the month, money will loom large and in charge, and you can cower, cry in a corner eating cheetos, or decide that money is just math, not magic, and while you yourself may not feel all mathy and brilliant in the moment, they have these new-fangled things called calculators which do the adding, and in this case, subtracting. The upside is that you are better prepared right now than most to handle some weird financial blip and your Zen will return right after tax day in mid-April. That's not long to wait for Zen, now is it? You Libras and your ability to remain upright in a flood, I tell you what. Share a little of that rowboat with a Cancer girl? please?



SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Scorpio folks are at better at justification than anyone! Ya'll rock the self-propelled visionary bunch o' baloney. A songwriter friend of mine from back home and I were on the phone the other night and he was telling me a story, telling me he had to get out of a particular personal situation real soon. And he said, "What you never meant can become your life." Leave it to a songwriter to sum up some profound sh*t in one line. March is a good month for Scorpios to tie up some loose ends (and that is a nice way of saying "Get rid of the stuff you don't want to become your whole life.") It's real easy to fall into the comfort of a thing, the rhythm and cadence and measure of something because it's ... well, because it's there. It's available. It happens to be there at the time and you're too lazy or unmotivated to change it so you let it go on, then go on for too long. Don't allow something you never meant to become your whole life just because you're real real good at making up an excellent justification bunch o' baloney excuse.



SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
I wrote your forecast last this month, usually I write Cancer or Capricorn last. But Sag has an interesting chart (say that like you mean it and you, too, can be a prognosticator) for March and April. Maybe it's because my own family is coming out to visit that I get a family vibe strong over here, but ya'll will have family either in your hair, on your mind, in in your house for some or part of this time and they will teeter between driving you insane and making you insanely happy to have them. Also, after the solar eclipse on the 18th there's the big ol' spring equinox on the 21st and after this turning point, and it is a turning point not just on the axis of the planet but on the axis of your well-being, you are off and set for a REALLY REALLY good rest of the year. It will be in so many ways what you've been looking toward for all these long months, what you've been hoping for and praying to happen. It's like the calmness you really wanted and wished for your home life will truly, really, madly materialize and you'll get the small, calm center you held out hope for. I feel really excited about Sagittarius in '07. I will even share my Year of The Pig with ya'll.



CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
"When you change, people either change with you or they leave your life forever." I heard a friend say that recently and it immediately reminded me of a Capricorn in March. Capricorns have had a change rollercoaster going on since about this time last fall and I know it felt like everything was moving too fast and out of control for your little control enthusiast hands to grab onto. Things dipped and slowed into a holding pattern or horror for a brief period last month, and now you're back on the ride. You're maybe wondering if it WILL EVER STOP. When will you regain control? When will you be back in the driver's seat motoring the car of your life? I hate to give advice based upon such things as vernal equinoxes and planets and ache in my bones and so on, but here goes. You are already in the driver's seat! You are already firmly inside your own life. The trick is to find the parts of this rollercoaster that are fun and exciting and new and instead of saying, "Oh God. What the hell is coming next?" you say, "Hmmm. That was inneresting! Wonder what the heck is up next! I hope it comes with chocolate! and shopping!" It really is that simple. (I didn't say it was easy... just simple. Very different thing.)

Posted by laurie at March 7, 2007 1:38 PM