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March 21, 2007

V is for Victor, and also Very Sleepy

I would like to apologize for my remarkable lack of humor lately. I am tired, and sleep-deprived, and full of visible panty lines and unplucked eyebrows. However, I have been able to eek out some time to spend with my family and it's been awesome! Well, awesome for me ... not so much for my coworkers who have had to experience my tired humorlessness.

These past few weeks have been one of those Crazy Times I will look back on in retrospect one day and see where I got my grey hairs and pickled liver.

For example, on Wednesday of last week I walked into my co-worker's office and asked to borrow his security badge.

"Why do you need my security badge?" he asked.

"I left mine at home," I said. Exasperated. Because... duh!

"You left your security badge at home? You know this building is like the Pentagon..." he wagged a finger at me.

"Look," I said. "I need a security badge so I can go down and get coffee. Yes I forgot mine. I left my house at 4:45 a.m. I have had four hours of sleep and IT IS A MIRACLE I EVEN HAVE PANTS ON."

(awkward silence)

"Was that too much information?" I asked.

- - -

On Thursday, my co-worker popped his head into my office.

"Chitchat la la blah blah blah?" he said.

"Busy, so busy, can't chitchat with you right now unless said chitchat ends in either sex or coffee..." I said.

(awkward silence)

"Was that too much information?" I asked.

- - -

On Friday, Co-worker knocked before daring to enter my cave of grumpy, and then he tentatively sidled around the edge of the doorframe, offering up a wan smile.

"Hey, don't mean to bother you... know you're swamped... but Starbucks is giving away free coffee until noon..."

I got out of my chair and walked to the doorway.

"Coworker, I am going to inappropriately hug you now."

And I did.

(awkward silence)

"Uh," said co-worker. "I'm really happy you have pants on today."

- - -

And that is just how things have been lately, and it really is a miracle each day that I show up without my shirt on backwards, or with a post-it note stuck to my cheek, and of course... fully clothed from the waist down.

It is also a miracle of life that I walked into my kitchen last night, a room I had somewhat forgotten, and noticed that my only vegetable resident had grown a second story:


I have lost my damn mind.


The thing is, I know I KNOW I should just toss this old yellow onion and move on, but I saw it, its little green sprouts of hope, and I marveled at how anything could manage to flourish and grow inside my kitchen. It was like... a miracle. A MIRACLE OF LIFE, PEOPLE. I was maybe drinking.

"Little onion with green stuff on top, as God is my witness I will not throw you into the trash!" I proclaimed. I often get myself in trouble with the proclaiming. Especially late at night. Words to the wise: Stop with the proclaiming when you are two drinks to the wind and 28 hours behind on sleeping.

So anyway, I don't know what to do with this plant-thing. I know one of ya'll out there is an intrepid gardener or farmer, or at least someone who can grow more than mold. (Hey! Did you know that cucumbers can actually liquefy! In your crisper! Who knew! I have all sorts of sciencey things going on over here in my kitchen. Want to come over for dinner?)

Help me, will you? I want my Victory Onion to live. His name is Victor. I even named him for chrissakes.

I don't need to grow real onions or anything, I just need for this one little shooting sprout of oniony hope not to die. It's kind of symbolic in that sleep-deprived wine-drenched way I get sometimes. How anything in my house managed to flourish these past few weeks is a magical mystery, but I want to keep it alive! So if you know what I should do to keep this baby growing, please let me know. I will put it in water, or dirt, or chant to it, or buy it coffee. Just help me keep Victor, and hope, alive.

And also, just keep your fingers crossed I manage to keep showing up at work for the next few days in pants. I feel it is such an accomplishment each day when I remember to wear them.

Or is that too much information?

Posted by laurie at March 21, 2007 9:35 AM