HOORAY!!

HOORAY!!

well, it is a revelation that deserves at least four hoorays but what happened was the computer kept telling me to wait a while and try again. i can take direction, by golly.

Wow, that was a life afirming experience. Good for you!!

well, it is a revelation that deserves at least four hoorays but what happened was the computer kept telling me to wait a while and try again. i can take direction, by golly.

You are spot on. I needed that, too. Thanks.

You've got it--you're the best friend you have, and you'll always be there for yourself. I myself am a world-class, often extremely awkward dork, but it's just part of my charm. My daughter is ten, and is very much an individual who doesn't follow the crowd. I commented yesterday how I don't care so much about what others think of me, and it dawned on me that my own daughter is an influence there as well. If she can do it, I can too! I'm really proud of that little girl! I only hope she doesn't lose that quality as she hits adolescence...Way to go Laurie!

Amen!!

*Cheers and applauds then wipes the tears from her own eyes*

Brava, CAP. And thank you. I needed to hear it, too.

At age 55 the people pleasing gene still looms strong in my life, but I made major strides in putting me first when my husband and I sold everything to go on the road full time as RVers. Left the kids, the parents and the grandkids to fend for themselves so we could live a dream. Guilt, yes, but I got over it.

Good on ya, kiddo.

We love you, Laurie. But more importantly, you love yourself and this life that you have forged and built for yourself. Be a Laurie-pleaser, and you will never go wrong.

Laurie,
I have recently started reading your blog, and attempting to start my own. But I want to tell you that you are such an inspiration and your stories are always so enthralling. I sometimes feel down about myself too and then look back on where I was and where i am and very happy to be the person i have become.

I am also an aspiring knitter!
Thanks for welcoming me and all of us into your world

What about pleasing your blog audience?

Laurie, you always seem to say just what I need, when I need it. I'm a total people-pleaser - I just CANNOT say no to others, even when it's going to drive me to do the directing-traffic-in-a-nightie thing - and reading that post could NOT have come at a better time, as I was just fishing out a weather-appropriate nightgown... Thanks for being a really great source of laughs and inspiration every day. You really do rock, girl!

Hi, Laurie! I'm a college student who has been reading your blog since she discovered it last summer while procras--I mean, working hard at my fascinating desk job. It kept me sane on the slow days when my boss didn't give me anything to do . . . all day.

I have to say, I've been enjoying your blog more and more in the past few months. I've been learning some of the same things you've been writing about. Being hit over the head with the realization that I measure my self-worth by how well I please everyone is quite the wake-up call.

It's so liberating to make the conscious decision to no longer be the "nice girl."

What do you mean, Sarah?

What a dear, lovely assessment of you, your life and your journey thus far.

Good read there, Girlie.

Kristiana ... it is liberating to be more than just the nice girl!! And AJ, boy I have been there, I have been three minutes from crazy... I guess that's why I needed to write this all down. I figure if I can be where I was, and get to here than anyone can do it.

And happy Sunday everyone :) Year of the pig!

"CrackerAss McCracker" ?!?! LOLOL!! You're about the only thing I read online that makes me fall out of my seat.
But really- I understand. I just turned 34, and I feel the same way. I'm married (and really going through a rough patch), but our conflicting schedules keep us apart a lot. I don't care. I work Friday to Sunday, and from Monday through Thursday, you can usually find me curled up on the couch with the sweetest pit bull in the world nearly on my lap and two cats by my head, looking out the window. I have knitting in my lap, a ridiculously large basket of UFO's and yummy yarn next to me, and a fat stack of DVDs on top of the TV.
I have a few really good friends (and very few not-really good friends), but they're spread out (Missouri, Florida, Los Angeles) and I like it that way. We talk pretty regularly. I want to get my a$$ to Stitch n'Bitch, but something usually comes up (really, I just have'nt felt like going!).
I'm a loner, and I love my life. And I'm happy with the way things are.

*standing ovation*

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

And Happy Year of the Pig, y'all! :)

Hey kiddo, this is the point at which I once said to my best friend and neighbor,
Welcome Home!

Wow! You always hit the nail on the head. I spent so many years (I'm not even that old but it just feels like I've been doing this for so long) trying to please everyone - professors, parents, boyfriends. And I never ever learnt to please them all at one time and I discovered that I was just always unhappy because of that. Then I realised the same thing you have and I'm so much happier and everyone else respects me the same.

Woo hoo indeed girl. Woo hoo indeed.

Glad that you've learnt that life lesson, man. You're your own best friend. Do you, and all that. It's really freeing once you get there. You get more respect that way.

So proud of your breakthrough.

You need to get published. Now.

Yes, right away...

I think I got that evil gene. I think it boils down to the fact that I was taught to introduce myself as, "Mary, para servirle" (Here to serve you.)

And if I didn't? I was a mean spiteful thing. Ah being raised messican...there is a reason I live 1500+ miles from my nearest blood relative. They don't bug me much after the divorce...I am damaged goods after all. At almost 33 I'm getting much better at being just me. I'm the only one around to please after all :).

Thanks for your post today.

Hooray, Laurie! And lucky for you, you are very good company indeed! You're smart, too -- it usually takes women a lot longer to figure that out than it did you...took me until my 50s.

Just because you have the courage to put this out there I think you will help others with their journeys. Laurie, you are better than nice, you are brave and true.

De-lurking here!
Laurie,
I've been reading your blog for about a month. Actually found you through Drew's blog.

I've been waiting for this post from you. I knew you would come out through the other side and realize that your divorce was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

How do I know? I was right where you are 10 years ago. Only differance was I had two small children not four legged loveable fur balls.

I look back now and I realize that the moment I was able to "My divorce was a good thing" my whole life started changing for the best.

I actually got my s*^t together. Went back to school, started a new career, met and married the most wonderful man I could ask for, raised 2 beautiful children and became Mom to 2 wonderful step-chidren.

I feel truly blessed and I attribute it all to day my ex said "I need to move on, you are not what I want in my life."

Yes, I had to question everything about myself to truly find who I really was deep inside. I found that I really like her.

It only gets better from here.

Sorry for the long post but I actually had to cut it short.......before it became a novel.

Angie

BTW I knit and crochet.

I think most women have that people-pleaser gene. Some just learn to ignore it more than others (I can't. There are people I don't even like that I desperately want to like me.) Congratulations on the life-affirming step.

Go on with your bad self, girl!

you are wonderful and amazing... i'm going through a journey like this myself, learning to please myself and to like myself... that the opinions of others don't matter. and when it gets really hard, when i think i can't keep going, i think about you. your diary has given me tremendous comfort.

Hey look, you took all that broken stuff and made a beautiful mosiac. (That was a super cheesy line, but I knew if I didn't inflict in on YOU it would stick in my head all day, and, well...)
Oh yeah, and Jerry MacGuire? LEAST. Romantic. Movie. Ever.

Thank you so much for your inspiring words....yes inspiring. I am always afraid people won't like me and suspect they really don't anyway. I can't believe I am admitting this here for all to read. I think I will start doing what makes me feel good not whether someone else will like it or not.

Thank you for the aahhaa moment.

Woohoo, Laurie! When I was going through a particularly rough patch a few years ago, I discovered a line in a song that stuck in my head the way Dr. Beckwith's line stuck in yours. "Now is greater than the whole of the past." I think that's the moment I started living in the now and not dwelling on what was or could've been. Changed everything.

I am so happy for you....

Its funny....something happened to me on Thursday. Something that would have normally killed me....I disappointed someone. Someone who isnt a relative and not even really a friend. Instead of wanting to die I accepted that they were upset and moved on.....My people pleasing gene is starting to wear out I think...and so is yours!!!! Congrats to you!!!

Laurie I know just what you mean about feeling like you have to please people. When I was with evil ex that's all I thought about - if he would like this movie, or if he would like that restaurant, or if he would like whatever. I was so afraid of disappointing him. Living with that fear was debilitating. When we broke up I felt super lonely (and still do sometimes) but I never felt so free in my whole life. I don't know how I convinced myself to stick around so long in an obviously disfunctional (in other ways as well) relationship. It's not that I don't *want* to make my loved ones happy, I just don't want to feel like I *have* to.

Here's to being free of other people!

You know you may hear it a lot - but you really are an inspiration. I can't even fathom the amount of things you express in words that I feel each day. 34 and living alone with just me and my sweet poochie. It's helpful to know that even though I don't even know you more than the wonderful you that's shared on your blog - there's someone else who can understand how I feel. It's wonderful and amazing of you to share yourself with so many of us.

Oh mercy did I ever need to read this today.

I'm fresh off a two-year relationship that was heading towards the alter...but I pulled the trigger at the last minute because I suspect I may have been settling. Even though the man who wants to marry me is a wonderful person who many people may think I am insane for turning away...he wasn't the wonderful person that I am supposed to be with! My blog is full of self-pity and embarrassing thoughts...sometimes I forget it's not just my own personal diary. Luckily no one reads it as far as I know :)

Thanks for the inspiration. When I feel lonely or sad or start doing the Bridget Jones-style downward-thought-spiral, I pull up an old post from some of your dark days and read it, and say to myself, "SHE can do it and she was MARRIED and got DIVORCED! Waaaay harder than a measly break-up..."

Thanks CAP!

Yippee Laurie! That was beautiful. I was wondering what the Agape Center was about, since I saw Michael Beckwith on Oprah. Have you seen or heard about the Secret DVD? I watched it the other day and it's amazing and good things have been happening ever since, because those are the vibes I'm puttin' out there. Anyway, great, inspiring post. I think your blog is the perfect example of what you put out there comes back to you.

I commend you on taking the time and making the effort to take this hard journey. I'm posting to recommend a glance at Byron Katie's "I need your love - Is that true?".
Please post more on how this works out for you in day-to-day life. That's where I get stuck!
Thanks!

Delurking to congratulate you on your epiphany!

I found you a few weeks ago and thoroughly enjoy reading your posts. When I read your profile and got to the part about your husband leaving you because of stifled creativity, I thought to myself "the only creativity stifled was hers." I'm happy to hear you've come 'round the corner and are in the land of better-for-having-gone-through-it.

As for knitting, I, too, am addicted! It is amazing therapy.

Keep the wonderful posts coming....

so awesome Laurie. From someone who has suffered so much self doubt, it's reassuring to hear that maybe maybe one day I will get it. Thanks!

AMEN!!!

How beautiful is that? And you know, your cats could have told you that all along, but they knew you wouldn't really listen. :)

Now that I think about it, cats are the embodiment of not living to please someone else.

By the way, you please your blog audience very well without trying. Your writing is full of insight and humor. I hang on every post, laugh, agree, empathize, and knit!

You really must write a book.

Well said Laurie, well said.

I was once well-versed in Agape, back in my bible study days of early high school.

Here's a little definition for you:

a·ga·pe 2 Pronunciation (ä-gäp, äg-p)
n.
1. Christianity Love as revealed in Jesus, seen as spiritual and selfless and a model for humanity.

I remember it being described as an unconditional love. I like the way that fits in with the theme of this post. You are learning that the best person to have love you unconditionally is yourself. I'm getting the warm fuzzies just thinking about it.

I must say that I felt freed like you wouldn't believe when I divorced. I was no longer forced to fit the people-pleasing, perfect little nice girl mold everyone had put me in all my life. It's a good thing to be allowed to be flawed. Don't ever doubt that.

I sent you an email after your comment on my blog about not being able to find my email address (about the wine). Just so you're able to sift through the masses of messages you probably have in your inbox, it had a subject heading of "The WINE-Y girl".

Congratulations, Laurie. I sometimes think women would be much happier if we waited until at least age 35 to even consider marriage. It takes ages to learn who we are.

Absolutely true, and more power to you!

Don't take "personal assessments from people I wouldn't take driving directions from." Brilliant! How many times have I tried to please people I don't even like? This will become my new standard. If I don't know and trust you well enough to take driving directions from, you don't get to tell me how I failed. Absolutly brilliant!!

Good for you!

You go girl. I am so happy and proud of you. Love yourself and have tons of fun! God bless you real good.

Sweetheart, you sing to your cats?

Yay! me too, I keep getting sprung doing it too :-D ... oops!

I have special black and fluffy kitty bear songs that only me and my felines understand :)

I stopped caring who I pleased recently, well a year ago this week, but that's another story. I returned to blogging after being "such a nice online bloggy girl" and now no-one can make sense of my lack of online hospitality. I decided to tell the truth, not to make people happy and let the typos fall where they may.
I still find my diatribes amusing, but it can be devisive, again, let the chaff fall where it may.
Power to you sister of shakin off the powderpuff coating and of the feline love-ins xxx
Cat

Good on ya, girl! You're getting there!

Laurie it sounds like you are moving forward with life. And, it sounds like you have a great friend who was willing to meet you at church at that horrible hour - those friends show up when you least expect it and when you need them most. Hold on to her!

Laurie it sounds like you are moving forward with life. And, it sounds like you have a great friend who was willing to meet you at church at that horrible hour - those friends show up when you least expect it and when you need them most. Hold on to her!

Here's a dose of reality for you: 'people-pleasing' is a form of controlling. I know, it doesn't seem that way, and I railed against it myself, but it's true. Your goal to please people is to MAKE them like you. The sad reality is, we have control over no one but ourselves. Of course, that doesn't stop me - but knowing this fact helps me quit before I get hurt or angry.

My break from a certain boyfriend was particularly hard. I was a mess. Worse than you, I think. I had an epiphany one day that if I could just love myself, it would be enough. My friend said I experienced a year worth of therapy with that statement!

BTW, I moved on to the stage you're in, became comfortable with being alone - happy, even - and ex-boyfriend soon became Hubbo! Go figure. :-)

Someone told me that my marriage breaking up would be 'the making of me' and most days - it's still breaking - I believe it. Most days is good enough.

Bravo you.

We are all wonderful women!! We all possess wonderful qualities, we just have to look for them and remind ourselves of them, OFTEN. If we do something that makes us happy thats all that counts. No one else is responsible for our happiness except us.

Posted by: MizFriz at February 16, 2007 06:19 PM

My "ex" left me 7 years ago to "find himself" because he felt obligated to me. I was working, taking care of the house and our son, etc. I can now say that his leaving and divorcing me was a true blessing and the best thing that happened to me. I was going to school then, and have continued since the divorce. My son decided a year and a half ago to go and live with his dad. I was finding wonderful things out about myself while my son was here, but I'm finding out even more things since he wanted to go and live with his dad. I do have flaws, but what one person may view as a flaw or "pain," another might find endearing. Keep finding out the great thing's about yourself Laurie! I'm right there with you!! Only I have 2 cats not 4.
Keep 2 seperate journals, one for the oh woe is me stuff, and another for the wonderful thing's you think and find out about yourself. When you are feeling "yucky" about yourself, read the one that you wrote all the good things about yourself about. And list all the things that you have accomplished too!! You'll be amazed at the turn around in your mood.

BRAVO! BRAVO!

I Thank God for having the opportunity to watch an angel grow wings.

Okay, there might be a few 'loose feathers' on them wings but you are soaring!

I stopped pleasing non-family/good friends, people after menopause. If I don't care whether I ever see them again, why should I care whether they like me? Getting along on the surface is just fine. Can you imagine the mire you would be in if you were still married? Gloria Steinem had it right--we grow most when we are alone.

We moved a LOT when I was growing up. No, we weren't military. At every move I was probably the only one of the 6, then 7, then 8 of us with a hope that THIS time the move would work. I'd leave behind the dorky, desperate person I was. *I* would be smarter, popular, prettier, not klutzy, and finally happy.......

But everywhere we moved, I took *me* with us. I was 14 when that realization dawned. I was devastated to realize that I could not and had not actually reinvented myself ever. Was there no hope?......

Well, no, there wasn't. Not as long as I insisted in my own head that who and what I was wasn't good enough to care for, cherish, and support......

Through the years (decades, really) I kept tripping over these mind minefields. Still do. But it is okay, because now I _do_ know that I love me and I am a good person who flubs up, falls down, forgets important things, and then gets back up and tries again. Because I care. Not as a bribe to get you to like me, but because I just do......

Yes, I really do like you. And I thank you for sharing your gift of wordsmithery.

YAY you've come a long way baby! I love days like that... cuddling with my furballs! love reading your blogs...

Hooray Laurie!
Welcome to Self-like-ville: population YOU! We may be occasionally referred to by the People-we're-not-serving "Bitchville", but we don't listen to them- let 'em get their OWN dinner as we happily move on, no longer needing their approval.
It's a good place. Getting here doesn't mean you have the odd relapse now-and-then, but once you've found it, you always find your way back.

I'm so happy for you, sweetie. You made me cry happy tears. I'm unbelievably proud of you.

Dear Laurie,

Just wanted to let you know how much i enjoy reading your blog, how consistently interesting and entertaining it is - it's not just the same old schtick, but continually changing and fascinating schtick (although we all love the recurring characters - francisco et al)... not to imply that your life is schtick but that you manage to write about the pain & the awfulness in a helpfully ridiculous way! I totally agree that the thing you want least can sometimes be the thing you needed most - yay that you have reached the point of feeling it, not just thinking it: enjoy the moment.

Oh, you gorgeous thing, you...

I am so right there with you in this place in my life. I am so happy, really genuinely thrilled that you are experiencing what it is like to be present to the moment, to just be happy to be where you are, who you are. What a gift you have given yourself. Your writing is a gift to us: Thank you for the generous helping you give us every day.

Hugs,

Thank you

Awesome! Hey, speaking of the Year Of The Pig, since you're from the south and all, did you ever go to Atlanta and ride the famous Pink Pig ride at Rich's at Christmas as a little girl? Good times, good times. THAT is a Crackerass McCracker icon, I tell you!

Moving.

You are so very fortunate to have realized this now. For most of us, it comes with middle age, but it's liberating, whenever it comes. Enjoy your new freedom!

What a great post. Thanks for inspiring me with each of your funny, spot-on observations.

darn (no pun) ... you are SO on point about that people-pleaser gene

Dear Laurie, I have been reading your blog for a year or so now, you have been through some tough times and you open your life up to let us see how your doing, reading today I feel a note of caution, firstly with reguard to the Agape Centre, if a group of people are meeting together to lift the name of Jesus Christ and to pursue the scriptures to learn of him and his desire for their lives, then that is a christian church. Jesus also never encouraged people to live for themselves, but to live for him. Please take care Laurie, there is a fine line between having a healthy respect for yourself and spiraling into self-ishness. I have learnt that one the hard way. Keep your heart soft. All the best, Nicole.

Aw, honey, that post just made me so damn happy.

I'm so happy and proud of you for your newfound perspective! I've quoted this before, and will do so again -- "that which does not kill me makes me stronger". -Nietzsche

I have heard that it takes longer to get over a divorce (on average: 2 years) than it does the death of a spouse (on average: 1 year). Odd statistic, isn't it? Anyway, sounds like you're coming out the other side of a rough 2 years and are much better for it. May every day and every year be better and better for you. :-)

Stay strong, Laurie, but also keep your head and your wits about you, in this age of everyone selling something....

Hi Laurie,

I attend Agape as often as possible. Used to go on Sunday mornings but am now working a waitressing shift at that time so I go on Wednesday evenings. Dr. Rev. Michael Bernard Beckwith inspires me constantly.

I think Nicole offering up her caution is cool. However, I wanted to mention that Agape is trans-denominational - those who attend come from all walks of life. Many are practicing Buddhists, Jews, Christians, etc. All are welcome and all who attend are blessed to receive whatever resonates for them.

You know when you can say "My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me," that you've really turned a corner.

At one point my ex-husband apologized "for ruining my life," and I set him straight: NO ONE has the power to "ruin" my life, except me. And I had no intention of curling up and dying, and neither do you! You are making all sorts of wonderful, brave, exciting changes and your life is just going to get better and richer every day.

And I am LAUGHING at the mahi-mahi - "a feline favorite." I thought Frank and I were bad - a certain little kitty not only got her baked chicken today, but also a plate full of freshly roasted salmon Friday night. But I have to say -she was thinner than the other cats before Frank came along, and now she's sleek and sassy, and definitely a bit rounder in the tummy....

Amen Other Lisa!! I thank God everyday that he let me go!

Sing out, sistah! This is a huge societal problem--way too many women think just this way. It wasn't until my 30s and some crappy shit happened to me that I figured it out too. I'm trying damn hard to make sure my niece doesn't wind up in the same trap! Keep on going!

It's clear--the year of the pig is YOUR year to Oink as no one else could do!! And how incredible to get to go see Michael Beckwith! I just learned about him on Oprah and he was so impressive. Yay for living without the need to please!

You are so gorgeous! This is your year, lady!

Thanks for your authenticity. You are an inspiration to us all.

I am giving you a big hug over the internets! You did it...you discovered you! I went through the same thing a while back. My father and I tried to save 2 boys from drowning in Lake Michigan. I am the only person who is living from that accident. It was alful seeing your father die. Went through some of the same stuff you went through with your divorce. It wasn't easy!! Finally, it dawned on me that I was a better person for what happened. I learned more from my father in death than in life. I am who I am today because of him...and the accident.

Here's a big hug from someone who knows. :)

and Happy New Year to you, dear grrl! What a perfect post for this day, and this year. All the best (from another Boar)
c

Thank you for all the positive words :)

And don't worry, I'm not joining up with some cult or shaving my head a'la Britney Spears or moving off to a shaman's temple, although if ya'll want to do it I want to see the pictures!!

I just wanted to see someone inspired, inspiring, on a beautiful day. It really was a lovely day here in Los Angeles.

And to Nicole: thank you for the caution but I don't think I'm descending into a spiral of selfishness.

I just feel happy. It's not a wrong thing.

Mary, I read what you said about your father and, oh, I love that you said those words.

Hug over the internets to you also.

If you would consider beginning to write mysteries, and including all of the things (including knitting) that you currently write in your blog, I wouldn't have to read anything else. Your writing "voice" is very powerful, as if the other 85 people commenting on this haven't convinced you already....

Thank you.

My favorite sentence: "Always reminding myself not to take personal assessments from people I wouldn't take driving directions from." This one statement alone can change your life.

As it is the Chinese New Year. Let this be your New Year and the first day of the rest of YOUR life!

Amen!

Laurie, there is something about the way you write that compels so many to respond and in their comment open up a little window into their world. I love reading your comments.

halle, halle, hallelujah sister!

i've been learning the same thing, and it rocks!

you go, girl.

Oh God, I wish you were my mother. Is that weird? It's weird -- we're the same age. No, what I really wish is that my mother had your courage and insight and courage and COURAGE! I know you're scared all the time, but you're fighting your way past it with triumphant power and grace.

15 years after my mother's divorce, she's still trying to figure out why she "isn't good enough" for my father. They live 300 miles apart. Their only contact is a monthly alimony check in the mail. Yet she still worries about what he'll think if she does something nice for herself like replace the car whose transmission is about to fall out.

And she lives her life in perpetual fear of what others will think. I love her sincerely, I do, but her children have become her "Jerry Maguire" to lift her up and make her whole and reassure, reassure, reassure, and it is EXHAUSTING.

Thank you for loving yourself, Laurie. It makes loving you that much more of a joyful experience for others.

Amen sister.

Oh, CAP, isn't it such a relief to free yourself from all of that crap? I'm so happy for you!

When that people-pleasing gene (or, in my case, the "I'm not good enough" gene) starts acting up, I use Mother Teresa's Litany of Humility:

Deliver me, O Jesus:

From the desire of being loved,
From the desire of being extolled,
From the desire of being honored,
From the desire of being praised,
From the desire of being preferred,
From the desire of being consulted,
From the desire of being approved,
From the desire of being popular,
From the fear of being humiliated,
From the fear of being despised,
From the fear of suffering rebukes,
From the fear of being calumniated,
From the fear of being forgotten,
From the fear of being wronged,
From the fear of being ridiculed,
From the fear of being suspected.

(From "It's a Meaningful Life, it just takes practice" by Bo Lozoff)

Amazing, what a liberating and exhilarating feeling it is to leave all those desires and fears behind!

I enjoy reading your blog about your journey. God loves you very much and knows that you aren't perfect. He always accepts you for who you are!

I hope your journey leads you to the truth about God. We are ALL loved very much!

Sounds like you had a great day yesterday. I love those kinds of days. Just so you know Laurie, we so totally get you. And we love you!

Atta girl!

You are way ahead of the game. I am much older than you and still have a very strong people pleaser gene. It makes me sad that other people's opinions mean so much to me. I am working on it and I hope someday soon I can say "I'm a great person, even if so-and-so doesn't think so", and that I'll really mean it and believe it! I love your blog.

Way to go, girl. Way to go!!!!!!

Mmm, personal growth. It makes me purr. :-)

I think it is fairly obvious that you are spiffy. I'm glad you are beginning to see it.

I LIKE your CrackerAss McCracker accent....

May there be many more such perfect days. It makes the Sesame Street theme song go through my head (Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away, on my way to where the air is sweet) Well, in LA maybe not so much that last part...

Your post made me want to cry. In a really really good way. I so hope one of your many readers has the connections to help you convert this amazing journal of self-discovery that you have shared so generously with us into a book.

RIGHT ON SISTER!! I haven't read all the comments, but I just wanted to welcome you to the fold of women who are living their lives for their happiness and their completeness and their selves (i know it's not grammatically correct but you know what i mean) and loving pretty much every minute of it! congrats.

Yes, my dear, you are changing and growing...isn't it wonderful. I'm so happy for you..

Janis Joplin said "Be good to yourself. You're all you've got."

Happy year of the pig. Read up on the Chinese astrological sign of the pig. Most of the interpretations are not what a Westerner would expect.

I, myself was born under the most auspicious Chinese sign a knitter can be. I'm a sheep!

From one failure of a people pleaser to another... thanks for that.

Hi Laurie,

I have thought for some time that your divorce was the best thing to happen to you.

I am stuck in a sad marriage, I am no where near having the courage to end it. yet I so yearn for something better. I know I would be a better person without this person dragging me down, but WHOAA......doing anything about it is WAY TOO SCAREY.

I envy you and your growth and your freedom.

Good for you, honey, and thank you so much for sharing this post with all of us.

I was having a bit of a crappy weekend due to someone's opinion of something in my life that, quite frankly, is none of their business, and happened across Rhett Butler's quote, "With enough courage, you can do without a reputation." Rhett isn't exactly my model of humanity, but it cheered me up and reminded me to focus on the notion that I need to set my own goals and live up to them, and not allow other people to set them for me. Thanks again.

Prising God! The angels are singing this morning!

I'm a long time lurker and always feel somewhat connected to your experiences but this one hit me to the soul. My husband has recently said he isn't happy and is seriously considering divorce and I completely lost it... along with my dignity. It was sad. But you give me hope that if he just up and runs one day I can make it, even as a psychotic knitting people pleaser.

Thank you.

so much about this resonates with me right now, and i want to thank you for sharing it. it's truly inspiring and rejuvenating to hear wonderful things about the path we are all on. thanks again, crackerass mccracker.

As a fellow Southerner, I applaud your "CrackerAss McCracker" accent and I hope you never lose it! And as a fellow people-pleaser (who only recently figured out that is what was going on), I appreciate your post. I echo many of your fans when I say that your writing always helps us, whether through uplifing, inspiring, life affirming missives, or just plain humor that makes us laugh until coffee splats all over our monitors...either way, reading your blog always makes the day better. Thank you!

You go girl! I love the pig :)

I just found your blog when you posted on Annie's blog..and am in the process of reading it all.

You write so well..and put yourself out there. I have found that once I lost the people pleasing crap in my life, my relationships have been much more satisfying to ME. It's the honesty, and sometimes the pain but the truth ends up being much more satisfying in the long run.

The good days will still mix with the bad, but, girl, they are all yours. And that brings an authentic life.

Thanks for writing.

Again you hit the nail on the head. My people pleasure gene is also a strong one. I went thru the months of self-doubt when my divorce was new and I had three daughters who needed me every second of the day. I gave it a try with one serious relationship five years after I ended the marriage and that failed miserably two years ago. I had reached the point I just wanted to be alone and live my life, spend time with my children and grandchildren. Then a man came back into my life who I met seven years ago. We tried dating back then but were in the thick of the divorce process when we met and it ended painfully because neither of us was in the right place. He was there for me two years ago when I needed a friend but again, I was such a mess I had no business seeing him at all.

Today we're both in a good place in our lives. We've been in regular contact and have plans to see each other very soon. When he told me he's waited for me all these years it melted my heart instead of making me want to run for the hills. He's a loving, caring, romantic man and I know I'm so lucky he's still around!

I know that man is out there for you when the time is right...but in the meantime...Dance Girl Dance!!!!

You're my hero!

Ok, horray for the best thing that ever happened to you!
The other thing I have been wanting to say is I finally realized why I love you. At first, I thought it was your wit and your writing style, which is hilarious. I have learned not to eat or drink when I read your stuff - I have had to clean my monitor too many times, I learn from my mistakes!!
But then I realized that you opened yourself up to us and shared - truly shared what is in your heart - and that is a gift. You have all of us nodding our heads along with you - thinking you could be me. We are the same. You make my silly life make sense because everything I have gone through, so have you and vice versa. And every single person who reads this has that feeling.

You know, there was another person with this amazing talent who made a fortune - Oprah.

You rock - keep going on with your bad self!! You are an amazing sweetheart and we all love you.
Holly

I got up Sunday morning and decided that I couldn't handle watching one more minute of news, so I turned on Robert Schuler's Hour of Power services. I'm sure it's the first time I've watched it since I was a very young girl and had to watch it at my grandparent's house. I bet I was 10. I didn't have any big moments yesterday, but I did really really enjoy it. A lot.

I am a pleaser too, and read a book called "The Pelasers" in about 1990 that turned my life around. I left my live-in boyfriend, moved "back home" and got the best job of my life. People liked me more than ever becuase I wan't "fake". I hope you understand how much of me I see in you, and I love it!

Dearling! You've come to a wisdom that usually doesn't until you're much older. To you - and to all my fellow CAP blogreaders (I feel like we're all sitting around a table with our tea or coffee & knitting): I'm preparing a presentation on Women's Lot in Life, 1850-1950. Let me tell you, my sweet daughers & sisters, this "people-pleasing" thing just about IS a gene. We're the product of training & conditioning by our ancestors WAAAY back. We carry vestiges of that training even today. (My mother used to say: clean up your room! The way you are now, NO MAN WILL EVER MARRY YOU! Worst threat she could think of.) I've been divorced twice, fooled her!

But we ARE our own best friends, and I'm back to the airline image: "put your OWN oxygen mask on first, THEN you can help those around you." When you really enjoy your own company, happiness follows. I'm married again (!) but the secret of our success is that we live parallel friendly comfortable lives. I never ask his permission or approval nor he mine. We do ask opinions occasionally but are guided by ourselves. If I outlive him I'll grieve, but the firm fabric of my life is enhanced by him, not dependent. (He doesn't read your blog, so I can admit: the one thing is, he doesn't know that I occasionally smoke so I don't at home or where he could detect it. If he goes first, I'm gettin' out my ashtrays!) Laurie, as good a friend as you're being to your sisters here, believe this old Bubbe: you can be confident of every aspect of yourself -- and you perform Mitzvahs, which is big. Major. Big. Love you, dearling.

OH! -- also, in honor of the Year of the Fire Pig, (nevermind the Jewish bit) I'm going out for barbecued ribs, new dentures be $#)@#$()# !

Once again, you hit the nerve! As a victim of the "disease to please", I applaud you for recognizing how limiting this can be. Hope you continue to remind all of us who are "in recovery", how we must value ourselves. For me, even tho I know I'm doing it, it is SO hard to break that habit! My DH is great, really the ONE who loves me with all my faults; it's the other women in my life that I am addicted to pleasing. Mom, daughter, mother-in-law, friends, etc.--how sad. I need a poster of that "driving directions" quote, and I plan to put Mother Teresa's prayer on my mirror--thanks Linda!

Thank you, Laurie.

First of all, that grill is too cute for words. If you weren't on a budget, I'd tell you to go back there and buy it. Because just how cute would that thing be in your backyard this summer when you're grilling up a bunch of stuff for folks who don't care what comes out of your mouth? Because being you and taking care of yourself doesn't mean that you have to be alone. But sometimes being alone is nice. Isn't that when all of life's great epiphanies happen, after all?

my own life-changing event came in june 1989. I was diagnosed with cancer. my family, my then-husband, all deserted me.

fast forward to 2007. I divorced my family, I divorced my spouse, I re-married a better man, I have 2 cats, a nice house, a good job, I run an SnB group.

and I don't give a fat rat's ass what anyone thinks of me.

I wear my hair/clothes the way I want, I say what I feel, I shout out to the world that I am a wonderful person, I let my freak flag fly!

it's liberating to be yourself!

How-DEE .... checking in from Cracker-Ass McCracker Land ... you know, the X-chromosome comes with the people-pleasing gene on one leg of the "X" for all women, and an extra dose on the other leg of the "X" if you are a Southern female.

It. Sucks. And what I have never figured out is how so much common sense can come out of the mouths of the very same Southern women who apologize because it rained on the picnic.

I sincerely hope you have a positive experience with your exposure to Agape -- it sounds like your L.A. group is a nice one. People involved in our local Agape community always remind me of Moonies ... this may just be the way the LOCAL groups are; I am not being negative about anyone else so please don't anyone take offense.

Oh, crap. See? SEE? I just did the Southern-woman-pleasing-everyone thing.

Anyway, there are ding-dong contingents in every religion ... just look at Mel Gibson!

Like they say in 12-Step groups, take what you need and leave the rest. If it brings you joy and you don't find yourself shaking a donation can at the airport after signing over your bank account, yippee for you!!!

Sounds like you needed to hear Dr. Beckwith to have an epiphinal moment, just to confirm what you were already saying, really, if you review your own words.

Add my HOORAY to the already long list!!!

How-DEE .... checking in from Cracker-Ass McCracker Land ... you know, the X-chromosome comes with the people-pleasing gene on one leg of the "X" for all women, and an extra dose on the other leg of the "X" if you are a Southern female.

It. Sucks. And what I have never figured out is how so much common sense can come out of the mouths of the very same Southern women who apologize because it rained on the picnic.

I sincerely hope you have a positive experience with your exposure to Agape -- it sounds like your L.A. group is a nice one. People involved in our local Agape community always remind me of Moonies ... this may just be the way the LOCAL groups are; I am not being negative about anyone else so please don't anyone take offense.

Oh, crap. See? SEE? I just did the Southern-woman-pleasing-everyone thing.

Anyway, there are ding-dong contingents in every religion ... just look at Mel Gibson!

Like they say in 12-Step groups, take what you need and leave the rest. If it brings you joy and you don't find yourself shaking a donation can at the airport after signing over your bank account, yippee for you!!!

Sounds like you needed to hear Dr. Beckwith to have an epiphinal moment, just to confirm what you were already saying, really, if you review your own words.

Add my HOORAY to the already long list!!!

YAY! YAY! YAY!

Being alone and happy with yourself is the best thing. There is nothing that can destroy you after you reach that point. (Hurt, maybe, but not destroy.)

Two things helped me: Getting dumped by my fiance for a MAN when I was 32 was the first thing. The second was turning forty in 2005 and realizing not only that I wasn't gonna die even though I was still single, but actually that in fact my four cats and I were pretty damn happy. And that I *didn't* have to be a nice Southern girl all the time.

Ironically (or maybe, not surprisingly), I met this great guy and got married not long after that. I kept telling my now-husband that he was ruining a perfectly good life, but it's actually been good.

Enjoy yourself! You're really lucky.

P.S. We Southerners always have to deal with our religious heritage. I've stayed in the church and have been happy--but please don't go back to the type of people who make you sign away your cootchie to the Lord!!! I've spent years getting away from those guilt trips and would hate to see you set back in your self-esteem.

YES!

I must say, I had taken the people-pleasing thing to a new level, having been programmed to do it by my mother since I was very young. It's had devastating effects, since I now find myself going through a divorce (always putting my feelings last-go figure), and, although I am sucessful in the eyes of others, I am having a VERY rough time trying to find the self-affirmation I need to get through this alone!

I am getting better (thanks therapy!), and I've been recently promoted at work which has really shown me that people who I thought were my friends are really not. That realization cut deep, that not everyone in the world likes me (sad, but true). It took a while, but I've talked myself into not caring what they think of me, since a) they're not really my friends after all if they're acting this way and b) I don't have enough mental energy to deal with them.

Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your blog...I check it every day and feel like I won a jackpot when you've got a new post up ;-)

Bravo! Epiphanies are good things to get !

BUT, do not disparage your "CrackerAss McCracker accent". Southern accents are a blessing and a priveledge and I don't care what anyone thinks, the word ya'll ought to be in Websters dictionary. There is nothing more charming than a Southern accent!Except maybe Crazy Aunt Purl!

Laurie:

Quoting myself:
please don't go back to the type of people who make you sign away your cootchie to the Lord!!! I've spent years getting away from those guilt trips and would hate to see you set back in your self-esteem.

Please forget that last sentence--after I hit "post" I realized that you don't need ANYONE to tell you that. If you can stand up to those cootchie-catchers in high school you can damn well take care of yourself now!

I've gotten to be somewhat less of an approval junkie with age (I think I mentioned I'm a Pig too, and also a Pisces -- I can never decide if Pisces or Cancer is squishier), but I still find myself jonesing for it now and then. Who am I kidding, all the time.

Trouble with epiphanies is, you have to plant the seed and try to make it grow. (How's that for a hokey metaphor?) I find myself having the same epiphanies repeatedly, though. The burst of light feels great, but toting all that manure is a bitch.

You know that Dolby THX logo thing they used to put on DVDs, with the chaotic, cacophanous noise growing louder and louder until it suddenly resolved into glorious symphonic harmony?

That was this post. My heart is just bursting for you today. :)

Congratulations on your many aha moments. You are growing more complete and more beautiful every moment.
But you are wrong about one thing: your imperfection.
Because you were created in the image of God, you are perfect. God doesn't make any junk, and He doesn't make mistakes.
You are the most perfect version of Laurie ever, and you are the only one who can be you. You are perfect right now, as you are. When you can embrace that and love yourself, your life will open up to new world of love.
Love,
Erin

Congratulations. Don't you love these epiphanies? Don't you feel dead when you go along for a long while without experiencing one? Ya know what? I just started counceling again and you know what she (the Dr) said? That I'll never be over my past. That what happens is, I age. As I age, I get a new perspective. When I get that new perspective from my newfound wisdom which comes from aging, I will take the past down off the shelf, open it up, reconsider it from my new perspective, and repackage it. Then I'll put it back on the shelf and go about my business. Wow. So yeah, I think we and you, and everyone, will always have to be aware of "it" and be working on "it". But it's worth it. It's where the epiphanies come from. I LOVE the epiphanies.

Good for you! And quoting my behaviorist (yes, I'm seeing a behaviorist too), "People suck." So yeah, who the f&*! cares what people think!! Hee hee, I do - shhhh, don't tell anyone.

It really struck me when you said "finally in my haze and fog and awkwardness I realized I was always right there." I had that moment a few years ago, but for me it came after decades of being alone and fearing I'd never find "the one." When I first felt comfort that I was always there for me, my first reaction was to question my mental stability--did my twisted mind think there were now two of me? But it gradually dawned on me that I could revel in my own strength and be pleased to be with me. I'm glad to see that you've had that same realization. Lucky you that you get to have Laurie with you every day!

I have been reading your blog since my cuz Chrissy 1st told me about it and YOU GO GIRL!! I AM PROUD OF YOU!!!! I LOVE YOU CRAZY AUNT PERL! :) Kel in IL :)

i like you so much!

Wow, you've just made me realize why I am not putting 100% into my frustrating, unchallenging job (I normally put 150% into any job I have, challenging or not). Without the motivation to be liked and praised by my bosses, I am for the first time putting in the minimum of effort at work, and I hate it. I want to do something interesting and challenging, something *I* like, not something I know I'm good at which I could do half-asleep!

THANK YOU!!

You are absolutely amazing and though we've always known it, now you know it too. I've always said that I don't have any regrets about my past. No matter what happened to me, what decisions I made, who wronged me, etc., as long as I learned something, it was all good. And what you learned were so many wonderful things about yourself. Who can find fault with that?

Laurie, I am so glad for you!

Thank you so much for this post. I've lurked here a bit since I started knitting and this is the greatest post I've read in blogland in a while. I'm going through some people pleasing issues right now and I have a good friend in a divorce going through the same crap. I'm going to send her a link. So a big thanks from two very grateful women who needed to hear this, especially said in a McCracker voice.

YEAH! I wish you posted all day long!!

Thanks -- this is an awesome post. I also got divorced early on -- at 28 -- and I went through so much the same thing and came out the other side. You've said it better than I did, though.

Yes - shower steam and all you have finally made it.

{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}
You are healed, Grasshopper!

Not to make light of this epiphany, by any means. When you finally get it (and some of us never do), it is so AWE FUCKING INSPIRING!
It doesn't mean that you'll never be lonely...just that it OKAY with you to BE alone! You don't have this overwhelming NEED to be validated by someone else! Yipee! You're free!
Now you can get on with the rest of YOUR (note emphasis on "YOUR") life! Congrats!

This is not only the year of the pig, it is the year of the GOLDEN pig. That comes every 60 years (5 turns of the 12 year cycle) and is especially auspicious. Laurie, you are set to have a tremendous year!

I thank Goodness for you. I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome you are.
Thank goodness you can see it your own self!
:D

Dear Laurie,

Love your blog, and have seen so much growth in you since you started writing.

I'm not divorced, but I got married pretty late in life--late 30's. And one of the things that I realized about marriage was that I was with someone who I loved and who loved me despite our many imperfections. So I think your minister hit on the same thing. We are all flawed, but we are all worthy of love in spite of that. And to be with someone who love us warts and all is a great feeling.

Living with a false self is very fatiguing. I spent a lot of energy trying to be "perfect". Perfect body, perfect home, etc...but I could never be good enough.

But, as you suggest, loving ourselves is the start. When you are able to spend a day with yourself and feel happy and content with who you are, you have made a huge step. Best of luck in your journey. You are becoming the woman you are meant to be!

Two posts in one day but I was listening to an old Edie Brickell album and thought of you:

"When I'm by myself, it's the best place to be ... when I'm by myself, nobody else can say goodbye..."

Laurie good for you girl..I am really proud of you..I was a people pleaser up into my early 40's..People would ask me to do something and no matter how much it would put me out..I always said yes..Until one day I was volunteering at school and had work for 2 classrooms to do which would take me the whole weekend..The lady that I babysat for asked me if I could babysit that weekend and believe it or not..I said No and explained why..Well of course I was a bitch..but you know what for the first time in my life I didn't care..And I no longer care..If someone doesn't like me..I honestly and truly no longer care..That first time of saying no was a big release to me..People only like you as long as they can dump on and use you..I will never forget the first time I said no and how it has changed my life..Better things are coming your way..Hugs to you

Okay, I like NEVER post when there are over 150 comments. But. I love this line. "Always reminding myself not to take personal assessments from people I wouldn't take driving directions from." That's great! I need to remember that when I find myself caring way too much what other people think of me.

You've come a long way, girl! Congratulations.

Laurie, this is a wonderful post and I am so glad that you are learning to love yourself more each day. I'm a people-pleaser myself and I am inspired to follow your footsteps. I thought about this post for a good hour before writing this because I have a slightly different point of view. As much as I hate my people-pleasing ways, I have to admit that I get some joy out of it. I certainly would want to temper it in order to give myself more confidence, but I don't think I would ever really want to get rid of this tendency completely simply because it is part of myself, however flawed it is. And this post was all about accepting ones flaws, right? So why not our people pleasing? I don't mean the sulky, "I'm no good" people-pleasing, but the "I care for others sometimes to the detriment of my own interest" people-pleasing. If that's how you are, chances are you're never going to totally get rid of it. You seem like an incredibly caring person and your writing wouldn't be half as good if you didn't have such a good soul. You seem to want to help, amuse, entertain, and inform others. And what's so wrong with that? This is not to disagree with anything you said. Always thinking about others can be destructive to the psyche. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think you should make "people-pleaser" into a dirty word. It's like saying chocolate cake is evil because it is bad for you. You shouldn't be eating it all the time, but life without it would be pretty drab. I think sometimes we need to go 360 degrees away from how we are, in order to bring ourselves back. People-pleasing is only bad when it is the only thing in our diet. Maybe you can help transform "people-pleasing" into a positive term, the way kids can turn a curse word into some endearment for their friend.

Neil has a point. But I'd like to emphasize his statement, "I think sometimes we need to go 360 degrees away from how we are, in order to bring ourselves back", because for some people that might be necessary. If it's been tearing a person apart that they've been too much of a people-pleaser for most of their lives (and that would be me) then they (I) might need to back off completely in order to right or settle their souls. Then when they've "found" themselves, become comfortable with themselves, even love themselves, they may come back around and find that they have the resources to give again to others except this time it's not at a cost to their psyche.

I'm still learning this and I think my journey is at the point of travelling to the furthermost end of 180 degrees but I haven't yet rounded the corner and made it back a full 360.

You're really lucky, Laurie, that you are now in the midst of this wonderful awareness. I'm only just beginning to see it in my late 40's. But it's never too late for some valuable introspection that could potentially change your life for the better! Thanks for an eye opening post!

I've only been reading the blog for about a week, and I have to tell you that you have a gift not only for writing, but writing honestly. I think our world needs more stories like yours - people who in the everyday stuff of their lives, find ways to make sense and find grace. It's such a gift to read your words.

The funny thing is, I originally sought you out as a knitting blog! How funny that so many of these alleged 'knitting blogs' are interwoven with the stories of our lives. I'm reading more about parenting, homeowning, heartbreak, loss, pet-owning, gardening, cooking, and faith than knitting and crafting! We have our common thread (ha!) of knitting, and the rest just spills out.

Thanks for your honesty and your story.
- Sara

Well thanks for blowing the lid off my own personal people pleasing myth. Apparently I've been in denial for mumblety-three years. Me, a people pleaser? No way! I don't get up at 4 am to bake bread so they can have fresh toast for breakfast. I don't count the granules of sugar before stirring them into the tea for exact sweetness perfection. I don't plump their pillows just so or meet them at the door with pre-warmed slippers. I don't hold my tongue or my temper...

You've been very philosophic lately what with the You On A (un-)Diet and the Agape center. Thanks for doing the leg-work for the lazy among us. I keep learning things when I stop by here.

And by the way, it appears there are several thousand people who like you, flaws and all, well enough to pop in here daily and leave comments. I think you're officially winning the Do People Like Me? challenge.

All us little girl children are brought up that way. It's really difficult. I tried very hard not to do that to my daughter, and I feel she's a lot more assertive and centered that I was at her age.

Neil, I see what you're saying and I'm glad you've found that making folks happy makes you happy too. I mean, yes, of course... I definitely love doing nice things for Grandma and seeing her smile in return, or making my folks happy, I love that good feeling when I've found someone a perfect gift they will love love love.

But what I'm speaking of here is a different sort of pleasing.

I'll never lose the hope and desire of doing nice things to make people I love smile (and wouldn't want to!)

But I want to lose the feeling or belief that my worth as a human is determined by what someone says or thinks about me. These are two VERY different concepts.

For many women, especially southern women, we're brought up to believe you are what people think of you. You are what people praise and criticize.

The truth is, no one knows my heart and soul and intentions except me (and your maker of course, whoever or whatever you define that as) and so if someone out there thinks I'm an ugly, sappy fool and passes such a judgement, then that is her assessment and she's welcome to it, and no I don't want that to be her judgement of me, but hey. It doesn't make or break me or really even have any effect on my life.

That last sentence is the new part. The new thinking. In the past I would have thought, "What have I done to displease her?" and now I think, "I wonder what's going on with her that made her say mean things about me?"

It doesn't mean I never do anything wrong, but I pretty much always know if I've been a jerk and I apologize straight away (see: Southern woman). So when people in life would say something mean or do something mean, I would hurt over it so much, wonder why, wonder what could I do better, etc.

My goal here is to be the best me I can be, know better and do better, so that I don't need outside validation to like my own life or make my own decisions. It's something I work on and have worked on a long time. But it's a very different thing than I think maybe you were talking about, it's a core belief that others dictate how valuable you are. I want to change that belief.

Thanks for setting me straight. I like that we both sort of disagreed, something very un-people-pleasing for people-pleasers! Maybe I just had a problem imagining a scenario where anyone would not like or love someone as cool you, no matter what dorky thing you would do. Oops, I'm being people-pleasing again. Laurie, you and your blog suck! Ha Ha, that felt good! (but you know I didn't mean it. You are the greatest. Damn, I can't stop!)

On a more serious vein, this post touched me as a man. Women are not the only ones who look to others for validation.

Tell it, sistah! You know, I'm going to stop writing my own blog about divorce recovery and just put a link over to your blog. Every time you write something like this I think "YES! That is EXACTLY what I have been trying to say in my own blog except mine sucks and no one reads it." Thanks for saying it so well, always!

thank you Laurie, I have made 2 copies of this post, one to put on my wall and one to keep in my wallet.
Blessings

I started reading your blog last week and love your writing!!! It's my "fix" each day at work while eating lunch.

For many years, I had the need to be liked by everyone and it hurt me when I thought someone didn't.

Something a speaker once said that helped change my life was, "IT WOULD BE NICE IF EVERYONE LIKED ME, BUT IT ISN'T NECESSARY." Funny how one little sentence can end up doing so much for a person. Many times, I would repeat that line in my head. It did alot for me over time and maybe can help someone else.

Thanks for your blog, Laurie!

Laurie,
You did it again. I've got a reflection on this post on my blog.
Thanks for sharing this epiphany.

Laurie,

I've been reading your blog for awhile, but have never commented because, as you see, I'm always late to the party (no computer at home). But I can't let this post go...
Your writing style reminds me a lot of Elizabeth Gilbert - honest, self-effacing, funny as all get-out (have you read Eat Pray Love? If not, I'd recommend it highly). I think you make a great point about being comfortable enough with your own company, which leads you to find your own path in your life, and know that it's a true path for you, despite negative comments from others. Changing your path only to please those negative voices does not help you grow. You have a great way of boiling things down to a common denominator for many of us, so thank you for sharing your insights.

And also, CrackerAss McCracker ! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
There is nothing more wonderful than a Tennessee accent. Just sayin'.

It's a pretty liberating realization, isn't it???

Congratulations, CAP. Knowing that one little secret makes the rest of the road a little bit smoother.

It's ok if "they" don't like you as long as YOU like you.

I can't read 168 responses, and maybe you'll never see mine.

I have been divorced longer than you have (and now remarried) and I understood you this last year or so, when you were sad about your divorce and everyone was saying, "F*(& him! You're better off! Be happy, already!" But you weren't ready, and you were still sad, and that was all right.

Of course, they were right too. You are better off, and you know that now. But just like the rest of us, you had to come to this understanding on your own terms & at your own pace.

Well, now you're finally here. Congratulations! It's so much better here, isn't it? Hope you stay a while.

(Now I hope you'll more seriously consider my favorite thing about being happily divorced - I was going to say "dating", but really, let's be honest. I mean "casual sex." Oh, do I miss it!)

Congratulations Laurie-blue skies ahead (someone said this to me when I was at your point)!
I started reading your blog because I am obsessed with yarn, and your name comes up at knitting circles (in Denver). But I also got divorced at 29 and thought the world had come to an end. At that time, a stranger offered to teach me to knit. I went to her house once a week for a year and have been knitting ever since. I greatly appreciate her friendship, and I really did remember who I am through the knitting. My life has changed so phenomenally in the ensuing 10 years, primarily because every step has been about who I am, not who others want me to be. Breathe, dream, explore and enjoy. The world has suddenly become infinite now that you are outside your "role."
Warm wishes, lmc

Brava!

I, too, suffer from Southern Sister Syndrome. The strength of my desire to please others always puzzled me. Then I realized that I equated being well-liked with being a good, worthwhile person, which is ridiculous considering that the goodest, most worthwhile Person who ever lived was not universally liked. Moreover, I noticed that men couldn't be bothered with trying to live up to this impossible standard. So why should I? I spend less time with those people who drain all my energy and am happier as a result.

Oh man, I know you need another comment like a hole in the head but this made me cry and I was all blurry eyed so I'm going to have to read it again. And again. I have been divorced and sad and alone and without even cats (damn lease) and this blog has been such a beacon of light for me. (hee, I wrote "bacon of life" I think it was the pig. And anyway, the bacon of life is a pretty good title for anyone.)

I love this blog and without being a stalker, wish you and your cats were my friends! If you ever come to boston, let's knit.

I likee the pig.

oink.

You are amazing, even if you have joined a cult (kidding). I was the leaver in the relationship, not the leavee (is that a word?) but I left because he treated me like shit. He treated my family like shit, and my friends like shit, and I just could not defend him any more. And mostly I couldn't defend myself anymore, for staying with him. And now this mean person has embarked on a one-man hate campaign, AND I CARE. I sill want him to like me, even though I don't have even one TINY OUNCE of respect for him.

Thank you for reminding me that I like me, and that's what matters.

And the free-gift-with-purchase part of being a recovering people pleaser? All that energy we spent trying to keep up the facade of being perfect is now available for other things we might actually enjoy doing, like petting our cats, knitting or meeting new people.

it's nice to find a fellow year of the pig knitter like myself. it's a crazy coincidence i know but i was clicking around looking for knitters in oceanside and here you are!

oh sweetheart! you are perfect AND beautiful!!!!!