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February 21, 2007

Sure, I'll join your cult.

There is so much confusion to clear up! First of all, Crackhead Bob still lives on my street, we are neighbors but not right-next-door neighbors. Except I think maybe Drunken Julie moved out or ... something... because I haven't had her knocking on my door at 1 a.m. lately or seen anything set on fire recently.

I do know the new neighbors have had several visits from Crackhead Bob because Mrs. Korean Neigbor once asked me if he was "okay in the head" which I think is a euphemism for "crazy."

So now that we have that cleared up, let us move on to Misconception Number Two which is that I attended one hour (1) of a service at the Agape Center and I have now officially joined the moonies and will be trading my cute shoes for sensible cult sandals and later today will hand out flowers at the airport with my new moonie faced friends.

AS IF there is ever any good parking at the damn airport. And AS IF I would waste an entire day driving up the 405 and trying to find parking at LAX so I could hand out flowers. (!!!) People, remember who we are talking about here. I am many things, but above all ... I am not a joiner.

(Oh, also, I am using "moonies" as a general term to mean cult. If you are a moonie and are offended I am sorry. I once offended a whole group of people for calling a possum a "rodent." Apparently possums are marsupials. I STAND CORRECTED.)

But now that I think about it, even in my lazy and hermity and cat-hair-covered ways, I have managed to join rather a few cults.

I am a member of:

1) The Bloomingdales bra club.
They have EVENTS!!! Bra fitting events. I don't attend these events because I would have to probably go find a therapist afterward. Also, see: "too lazy to shave that closely for bra fitting inspection first thing in the morning." However, I do have a bra club membership card and can save 30% off my next purchase.

2) Stitch 'n Bitch. I attend as often as I can and sometimes bring offerings of yarn or wine. But even as committed as I am to this one, I often don't attend for long stretches of time because you have to drive to the cult, unless another member kidnaps you (Faith) and does a mind meld on you (i.e. "has dinner with you at DuPar's.")

3) The Natural Balance cat food club. You get 15% off any purchase after you buy five bags of dry cat food. I love this club because I still hold out the hope my cats will one day decide only to eat this healthy kibble and fully eschew the Meow Mix. Because that is so going to happen. Also maybe later today they'll scoop their own catbox and then draw me a bath.

4)The clean plate club. Hehehehe.

5) The Unwind cult. You buy a lot of stuff at Unwind and you get a punch card, and when the punch card is full you get $30 off any purchase!! Let it be known I once lost my Driver's License but knew AT ALL TIMES where my Unwind punch card was. I have my priorities.

6) Ralph's Club. There was a movie once where Nick Nolte is asked for I.D. and he pulls out his Ralph's Card. I love Ralph and his grocery store and his club. I am a fan of savings. Represent.

7) BevMo Club. Drew came to L.A. for a visit and we went to Beverages & More, a.k.a. "BevMo," to stock up on alcohol (for, uh, purification rituals of course) (see: cult) and he said, "Do you have a BevMo discount club card?" and I said, "Are you kidding? Did you really ask ME that? It is my greatest single achievement in life! The BevMo card!" And we laughed. And people around us looked sad for me.

8) DSW Shoe Warehouse Savings Card. Oh come on. You know I got the free tote bag back in December and said, Hallelujah!!!

So anyway, just so you know I have not joined another cult. I think between knitting and the bra club and all the many membership cards I already have, I am full up with crazy and can't take on anymore right this minute. However, if your cult comes with yarn and anything over 30% off and I don't have to drive on the 405 to join it, then I will totally sell out the bra club for a new group of friends. That is the kind of gal I am.

In fact, if your cult combined the goodness of the Ralph's Club with the sanctity of the BevMo wine selection and also had 30% off yarn and a free handbag and/or pair of cute shoes, I'd even sell out the cat food club membership! Because, people, please. The cats like their damn Meow Mix ... and mama needs a new bag. Mama will join your cult, but it better come with a free tote bag.

Or a cosmetic gift tote and travel set. I am open to that brand of enlightenment, too. I am just saying is all.

Posted by laurie at February 21, 2007 9:39 AM