Still snorting...you did good, there, thinking on your feet like that! I'm not sure I could have managed that.

And Happy Valentine's Day!

That was a great story. Nice way to get out of signing such a document.

You certainly had some colorful dates!

If it makes you feel any better, my Vday plans involve learning about the pathology of endocrine and reproductive diseases. Because I'm a med student and we're in our block of time allocated to study for boards. I didn't realize today that I scheduled STDs and gynecologic cancer for Valentine's Day. It only seems appropriate.

Only you can make something so mortifying seem so funny. Trolling the yarn aisles is a lot more rewarding.

Is your snail mail address still the one listed in 2005 blog entries?

Not stalking, I promise

"And I went home and never told my dad that Brent and his mama and Daddy had tried to get me to sign a deed on my cootchie for the Lord."

OMYHELL - I'm dying of laughter over here in all this snow and cold reading your post today - Happy Valentine's, dearheart!

Drat! Thought I was gonna be first for a change!

Anyway...great save! I never would have been able to think of something like that and probably would have signed the paper out of sheer embarrassment.

On the other hand, at least you had an actual date. I am being taken to lunch by my parents today because I am pathetic-single-divorced-loser-girl.

Sigh.

And the whole while Brent was thinking "Dontsigndontsigndontsign...YES!" In my experience, pastor's kids were always the worst - thank God!

Oh my God....how awful! I thought the time my date showed with a half-eaten box of chocolates was bad. Good lord.

That is awesome! I hope you really did say that to Married Coworker. There is nothing worse than married people (or people in relationships period) acting as though there is only one way to spend Valentines Day, and if you aren't getting flowers/chocolate/cards you must be suicidally depressed. Because you know, you can't be both single AND happy, oh no. What a load of crap. I like the idea of what Valentine's Day CAN be if people choose to celebrate it in a way that is meaningful to them (or not to celebrate it at all, 'cause to each their own) but I DO NOT like what commercial V-Day has come to represent. I am in a relationship and I still don't like people asking me my plans - it's none of your business people!!
Ahem.

Did you make that up???? Did you??????!!!!!!!!!

Adding that story to the one about your date that later went on to rob a bank--you were all gussied up then too as I remember.....

Pam, I am from the south, we gussy for all our dates!! LOL

Roses are red
Knitters do knit
We love Laurie
For her great wit

(I could have gone another way, but I know this is a PG-13 blog)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Firstly: My 13 year old daughter is NEVER GOING TO THE MOVIES WITHOUT ME EVER AGAIN. Period.

Secondly: I still love and use Anais Anais. If this makes me look old and completely uncool, so be it.

Thirdly: blaming your Dad for not signing the virginity promise is pure, unadulterated genius. It is an early sign of your superior intelligence and colorful imagination.

Fourthly: that response to the married co-worker? Exactly what we old married fuddy-duddies DON'T want to hear. It just reminds us of how immensely boring our sex lives are. Now I'm depressed.

What did the cats get you for Valentine's Day?? Something from the litter box, I suppose??

Happy Valentine's Day to all ya'll, too. My big plans tonight: leave work early (which is a treat for me!!) and go for a nice long walk, followed by an entire evening of snuggle-cats and catching up on my Tivo.

And honestly? I am SO looking forward to it!!

Oh my god. Best valentine's day story EVER.

ROTFLMAO!!!!! Laurie that was awesome! Thanks!

Liz -- I LOVE Anais Anais. I just used to put it on, uh, a bit liberally... hehehehe.

And my cats gave me lots of meows and poop, as usual :)

Damn, that was a good one ;)

Girl I used to think (along with others) you needed to write a BOOK but now I also think writing for a comedy show is your calling. I picture you sitting around with a group of writers and y'all just feeding off one another for a rip roaring good ole belly laugh.

You're in the right part of the country.

Happy VaJayJay Day!!!

Oh my God!

Glad I decided to postpone lunch so I could read today's post first. Didn't wanna choke on my food!

Gaaa, this was funny! I don't think on my feet that fast. What I probably would have done was to sign it right then and there to get them off my back but with no intention of abiding by it! Little deceiver, that was me!

We don't do much for Vday anymore and I'm fine with it but I hate it when people ask me what our plans are. And when you tell them you have none they're all, "oh, why not? You should do something! Go out to eat! Make him give you flowers!"

Leave me alone! heh.

I once asked my sunday school teacher what an aphrodisiac was.
Pretty sure I wasn't asked if I had any more questions after that!

If it makes you feel any better--the BEST Valentine's Day I ever had was about four years ago when I spent it with George Clooney (on the tube, not in the room) and my kitties. I just got married last month at 41, for the first time--and I think that smug married co-worker needs a good poke from a spackle-covered needle.

P.S. I read your blog regularly but don't often post--especially twice in two days.

laughing soooo freakin' hard here in west hills. if you weren't downtown, separated from me by miles of brown air, you would definitely hear me.

happy love yourself day.

I can see a Crazy Aunt Purl sitcom. There's Laurie, sitting at her desk at Formal White Guys, Inc., when something jogs her memory and wavy-fade-out-dreamy-music to a flashback of a comic situation from her past (distant or recent). Hilarity ensues.

I still love AnaisAnais!
And that story is too funny... I can't believe they were going to have you sign your "coochie" to the Lord! You are a marvel, Aunt Purl, Valentine's Day, and every day!

Oh, dear Lord! That was too funny! So smart of you brining in your dad as an excuse to not sign away "your cootchie to the Lord".

Happy Valentines Day!

This is officially the best Valentine's Day entry, ever.

Have a great V-day. May the wine flow endlessly from your cup, and may the Lord box the ears of every person that says some stupid dumbass thing to you today.

I was going to say beware of boys in Firebirds, but um...never mind.

Very quick Thinking! Impressive.
Ya'll called them Ducks - We called them Duckheads over in Georgia. (usually because the khaki's were made by the Duckhead Clothing company. Remember? They had the little duck emblem above the back pocket?).

Have a Happy Day!

Ah, the dilemmas of our youth! My first boyfriend gave me a Valentine that said "dear sweatheart". My last husband used to ask, as in more than once, "Do I have to get you flowers AND a card?" Finally I just replied "Only if you want to have sex!".

KJ: From one pathetic-single-divorced-loser-girl to another, nothing wrong with enjoying your parents, no matter how old you are!

As for me, I received flowers from 2 different men and I'll still be eating pizza, drinking wine and watching TV with my cat Fred tonight..how wrong is that?!

LIZZIE -- THANK YOU!!!! Yes, that is it exactly, we called 'em Ducks because of the duck on the tag. Thank you for validating my memory here, sometimes I think I have killed the necessary rememory cells with all the wine LOL.

KJ -- I have to second Christa. I would love to be having dinner with my folks tonight :) As long as they did not ask where I was all those times I said I was at the movies.

F.Y.I. the best part about being "older" is that V-day becomes just another day. You really don't give it any thought at all other than to be thankful that at least YOU won't be in the checkout line at Target with a pair of fake silk boxers with cupids on them, and BEST YET, you don't have to put out unless you absolutely feel like it ;-)

This one was almost as funny as the bank robber story...except I think the phrase "sign a deed on my coochie for the Lord" might be the best thing I've ever heard, so maybe this one wins after all.

So I'm guessing that wasn't going on at the Catholic Church in town (what with the wife & kid thing). Also we Catholics never muddy a dance with things like "punch".

I love what you're doing doing for Valentines - partucularly the getting out of work early thing. I'm going to have a wildly romantic valentines - I'll be doing laundry. Including underwear (since I haven't cornered the market on undies like some bloggers I know).

That is hilarious!! Good thinking with the wiggle-out excuse. I know from experience that southern christians are pro's at sneak-attacks on your cooter.

rock on girlfriend.. that was the best laugh I had all day. And my hat is keeping my head nice and toasty each time I have to go out and shovel 5 more inches of snow... (in the midst of all this love .. the gods sent us a blizzard)

those Valentine "Dances" still happen. Here's the article from February's Glamour

http://www.glamour.com/news/articles/2007/01/purityballs07feb?currentPage=1

yuck!

I'm from south Texas and we call them khakis or duckies (depends which generation and where in texas you're from). I'm glad you didn't sign your VaJayJay away!! Enjoy your evening with the kitties. Mine will be just as full of kitty meows and poops.

BRILLIANT. Aunt Purl, this is just further evidence that you have always been a smart cookie.

I am discovering that if I go into V-day with a sense of loathing and dread, the reality can be surprisingly less awful than anticipated. Though I feel sick because I ate too much chocolate.

And your response to the married coworker... swoon...

I'm LMAO over here in my office. Thank you for the story, and happy V-day to you too!

I. am. roaring.

That was the best Valentine's Day story ever. :)

Can you just please put out a book of your journal entries already. I don't have a laptop, therefore, I have sit in my office to read your blogs. Between the work I have piled up, bills pinned up that I hav not paid, and the emails from people I need to answer it can truely be a monumental experience to read more then a couple paragraphs without guilt setting in.

I mean it. Put the shiz together, publish and then sell me a copy. I promise I can find 30 women down here who would pay 12.95 for a copy too.

needy in San Diego

VAYJAYJAY!??????Seriously!! Never ever before have I heard such a thing!!In these here parts THEM PARTS IS BUS-JYNA!!!!!!! bwaaaaahahahahahahhhaaaaaaa

Way too funny!
I went through something similar.My mom gave me a promise ring that I never wore out of rebellion. It is interesting to look back on this things some 20 years later though.
And here it is 20 years later and I am chez spinster spending Valentine's alone (again), albeit with a brutal head cold and flannel pj's and Bella the cat.

Oh NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

That is all.

Happy V day to you and your kitties! Loooooooved the fancy panty story..Awesome!

Hee hee... none of us ACTUALLY went to the movies at that age. I "saw" Rumble in the Bronx so often that it became a joke amongst my friends... (still have never seen it. whoops)
My town also had an indoor theatre that showed double features when I was 15 through 17 (we also have a drive-in - but that's just too obvious)Double features consistantly bought me at least 4 hours of "parental approved activity" - good times, good times.
p.s... the church that tried to get me to promise my virginity? resorted to silver dollar coins as a "trade" for your promise. I let them keep their dollar.

*applause!*

Wow.

Just. Wow.

(and AMEN!)

Yet another reason to be happy I'm Jewish. We don't have the pledging of your coochie to anyone!!!

I am seriously hysterical over here!!!

Hi Laurie,

Thanks for the laughs!

This year, my best friend, sister and I decided to get all gussied up, and go out to dinner.

We picked names, and will get gifts for the name we picked.

I'm really excited about spending the evening with people I care about, and who don't have very high expectations of me ;)

Enjoy the cats and TIVO!!!

Ha ha!! Hilarious! I think the title of this post should have been "deed on my cootchie for the Lord."

Ha ha!! Hilarious! I think the title of this post should have been "deed on my cootchie for the Lord."

Is it wrong that I actually went to the movies from age 13 - 17?

Of course, I had parents who tried to tell me about the different birth control methods I should use and educate me on how to drink alcohol without getting drunk--and this is in EAST TENNESSEE!!!! So it was probably rebellion.

I read this a few minutes ago, walked away giggling about VaJayJay contracts, went and got myself a snack, came back to the computer, and am still giggling about VaJayJays contracts!

I am still gigglesnorting from that hilarious tale!

Thank you thank you thank you!

I should have known to not check Laurie's blog before leaving for my doctor's appointment.

I'm supposed to have a full bladder when I get to the doctor, but after reading that blog entry...I dont think I'll be able to make that. I'm STILL laughing and that MAY present a problem within the next few minutes.

at least I still have another hour, I might not have to disappoint my doctor.

I can't even begin to tell you how hard I have laughed at this. You are hilarious and need a book deal. :)

That is really kind of creepy. Sometimes I think that churches mean well, but really. It isn't their business.

I think I would have been praying for a quick and painful death rather than wind up like that. Your brain works a lot faster than mine.

I love that story. I admire your fast thinking under stress.

Only the Lord, you and the boy, that is!

In honor of this not-so-hilarious day, I give you the following item:
http://marysvirginwool.blogspot.com/2007/02/not-really.html

Doesn't loose cat hair stick to the chocolate?

I bet they used Brent as a trap to drag girls to those 'dances'. And his car!

I just wanted to take this Hallmark-sanctioned moment to THANK you for your wonderful blog.

Two years ago, when I started to have a nervous breakdown because I was so bored that my entire life revolved around cleaning (It's Tuesday! We get to clean the bathrooms today!!), I decided to teach myself to knit. Then I discovered blogs. I have been reading yours ever since.

Fast forward to six months ago... My boyfriend gained full time custody of his fourteen year old son, and suddenly my house was full of testosterone. Having just come from a nine year lesbian relationship, living with one man was hard enough, but now I also had an emotionally needy, smelly teen age boy with which to contend. Because of the custody, I changed jobs and wound up in a place where the people that I supervised would call me up on the weekend to cuss me out on the the phone and then hang up. Repeatedly. And my boss was no better. After crying every day for months, I up and quit.

Since then, I have been out of school. SIGH. I was halfway to my bachelors in Fashion Marketing and Merchandising. (Imagine, shopping was homework, and watching tv while flipping through Vogue was studying.) I am unemployed and can't seem to find work anywhere. And I recently lost my much beloved 20 year old kitty to cancer. She was my best friend, and probably the reason why I am still alive today.

Some days, the only reason I got out of bed was to see if you posted anything new on your blog. You make me laugh, and you make me cry. And yours is the only blog that I read out loud to my boyfriend and quote like its Shakespeare. But most of all, you make me feel less broken.

When I am rich, I am going to hire you to write for me everyday. And if things don't work out with my boyfriend, I'm moving my last two kitties and my rat to California to try and convince you to play for the other team.

If noone else has asked, would you (and the kitties) be my valentine?

"Pastor T., I'll have to take this home. My daddy says I can't sign any documents without parental consent."

Purl, that's the funniest thing I've read in days. Thank you so much; I really needed a good laugh today. Happy Valentine's Day to you and your cooch. :D

Oh my god, you are hilarious.

That's really all I had to say.

VaJayJay! I love it! It's right up there with my "Bajingo" and "Hoo-Hoo" (both of which I have actually used in casual conversations on an - unfortunately - regular basis)
I work in a medical lab and someone here brought in cute red heart-shaped stickers that say "Happy VD" Which, of course, is quite amusing to those of us who work with STD's every day. :)

Also - I will be doing chocolate and wine with my cat tonight. He's my favorite VD-date!

Purl, All I can say is HOLY SHIT!

And your friendly lawyer fan says good thinking, espeically under the Pressure of the Pastor!

I would actually go to the movies as a teenager...

But once got busted by an usher with a flashlight for too raucously making out in the back row. oops.

Your talent is awesome. And with that v...comment, you should be able to appear on Oprah, who I believe coined the term. At any rate, she overuses it.

I don't know what it will take to convince you to publish a book, but do it...for the luv of God, do it!

Cracking up downsouth...

un-fucking-believable. haha.

oh and i wore anais anais too once.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

(which is a bad thing since my two toddlers have finally gone to sleep for their afternoon nap, and I swear I'm on the verge of waking them up laughing about you being asked to sign a deed to the Lord on your VaJayJay)

I swear. You need to write a book.

Cracking up here in Idaho.
Deed to your coochie is priceless....
Thanks for the gigglesnort, I needed it
Happy Valentines Day to you and the kitties.

oh goodness that's funny. That's *almost* as bad as my whole jr high "secret admirer" decbacle. Oye! I'm still wishing for that memory to magicaly be vacuumed from my mind.

I'll have you know that I just read your Valentine's Dance story out loud to my department of co-workers (only occassionally editing out the VaJayJay type words, in the interest of a semblance of professionalism). They loved it.

Yes, you need to write a book. Just self-publish your blog entries and then I can stop telling people to go to your blog and can just hand them the book.

Plus, I live in the Georgia, so you know there are lots of people here who understand you.

Hi-lar-i-ous.

Really Laurie you tell the best stories- which is saying a lot coming from me because I come from a family that routinely sits around the living room and swaps funny stories trying to out-funny each other. I almost choked on my lunch laughing so hard....

Really where do you find these guys? You have the best date stories....

I wore Anais-Anais...I think I still have a bottle.

Oh honey, you made me laugh so hard I almost smeared my mascara.

Another classic CAP posting - thank you, Laurie, and Happy Valentine's Day!

P.S. Could you please pass this note to Bob when you get home.

Bob, do you want to be my Valentine? Check one.

Yes ___
No ___

With all due respect (and total agreement!) to the other posters' comments above, may I just add that your entry for Annie's site gave me goose bumps.

None of us ever realize in the moment what effect we might be having on those around us, big or small, for better or worse. But that has to be among the greatest, sweetest Valentines I've ever read, and I'd be surprised if reading it wasn't also one of the most gratifying moments of her life.

Congratulations on discovering, over the past couple of years as we've all watched and cheered, who your most important lover is. You'll have a great time together tonight. :) Hugs

Purl, you have about eleventy hundred valentines out here from those of us who love the opportunity to share your wonderfully rich outlook on life and we love you for it!

Merle Norman?? OMG I used to have to cake that nastiness on everytime I gussied-up for a date. Were you ever subjected to the misery of the MN red mask? The one that smelled like toxic waste and caused your face to feel like it was burning and shrinking? My mom used to chase me down and force me to use this so I wouldn't have break-outs. I actually think it make the acne worse! Was this just a Southern thang?

OMG! I need new mascara.... That should have had a warning on it.

Well, have a good day!

I think I would have ran at the sight of his parents... can't be good news with them along, praise God.

Happy Valentine's Day Laurie! Thanks for the love and laughs everyday! Kitty hugs for Roy, Bob, Miss Frankie and Soba!

This is so hilarious! I almost choked on my ice cream.
Did the boys have to sign that virginity paper too? Or did they rely on the girls remaining chaste?

Thank you for the nice words about the Valentine on Annie's site. It is all very true -- sometimes just living life the best way you know how and with joy and love can set a profound change spinning in another person. She inspired me, and gave me hope without her even knowing it.

And Jo Ann, I had to shut my door here at my office and have a cry after that. Thank you. I am so grateful I could make you laugh when you needed a smile, that's ... it's just perfect. It makes me happy to my toes. Thank you.

Ya'll now I am feeling all mushy and everything.

Thank you. Please hold on to the deed to your coochie.

That is a great story! You had me laughing out loud for real.

Dorothee!! That is the rub! Damn boys didn;'t have to sign ANYTHING. Apparently chastity was the sole responsibility of the girl children. Niiiiice.

AWESOME story.

For the record, I think yarn shopping and downing a bottle of wine all by yourself is a night well-spent, any night!

I recently joined myspace, and got a rash of men who want to be my friends.

Lets just say their passionate, nauseating lovenotes have reminded me why I'm so glad to be watching TV with my knitting and a fuzzy naval wine cooler tonight.

There are apparently a lot of us in the same boat tonight. We should all take a moment sometime tonight and feel the closeness and friendship of women everywhere who are home with their knitting, TV, and beverage of choice because they are doing what the want to do.

I would normally try to write something funny, but you didn't have to read the drek in those letters. "Sweet dove of peace" my foot!

Your stories are the BEST!

Purity Balls? I just call them testicles.
I sure do hate it when the churches ambushes you like that.

LOL put it on thick for the coworkers, tell them you expect you'll have to take the day off tomorrow. hehe he

how's the yard looking? any plants left alive?

aarlene, about 1/2 the plants died in the big deep freeze of '07, but that's okay... I have decided to attempt herb gardening this year! So now I just have to get Francisco not to cut down anything I plant. We'll se how that goes.

So I know you've seen the purity ball video, right? RIGHT?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZhBSpzK203Q

your post should come with a rating, from one to ten on how likely you are to pee your pants after reading.
I am so glad I was never asked to sign away my cooter. I would never have been able to come up with a good excuse. We messed around with the church boys! (wearing Anais Anais, of course)

When I was a kid, my mom would always make a fancy dinner for Valentine's Day and we would all make cards for each other. My Dad would write a poem for each of us and it always made me cry. It was great, because now Valentine's Day has always been a positive holiday, even when I was newly divorced and miserable. Hey! It's a holiday featuring LOTS OF CHOCOLATE! It can't possibly be bad!

You should do something special just for you today, and I loved your snappy comeback to the smug married coworker.

The uber-cool Unitarian minister Frank and I hired to do our wedding ceremony in October says she and her husband invite their single friends over for Valentine's Day and they reenact their worst dates with sock puppets. She said she thought they'd have to have a lot of wine first to get going, but everyone joined in rather, umm enthusiastically and they all had a howling good time.

Pastor's kids are scary. The woman who broke up my marriage was a pastor's daughter. Nuff said.

oh, herbs are easy-peasy.. I grow herbs. However, I also do the yardwork and don't have to worry about Francisco the axe-murder (shudders)

Words for a VeJayJay - try the Vagina Monologues - they have hundreds.

My wife Allison took me to see it for a wedding anniversary prezzie - we both laughed until we exploded.

Laurie - keep up the good work, it has crossed to this side of the pond!

"sign a deed on my cootchie for the Lord" HAHAHA! Sounds like it could be a country western song! Thanks for another great story! I would have died of embarrasment on the spot.

I want you to know that 1) you did the right thing, way back when, and 2) I will be using the capitalised euphemism "VaJayJay" from now on, even if only in my head, and 3) woman, you are hilarious! I did not think I could possibly laugh harder than I did last year, when I read your fancy-panties story, but I did, I did!

Love to you and all the kitties!

WOW! They beat the "prom promise" with that one!

That story was hilarious...how does all this stuff like your birthday and nature and dating stories happen to you? Shouldn't such things be spread out among the population rather than all happening to the same person? Keep up the great tales, Laurie :)

that was the funniest Valentine's story I've ever heard of!

ah! if only the small leechy baby will let me get nekkid and covered in chocolate!
valentines miracles could happen.... :-)

Funny, funny, funny! You really did talk your way out of that one, huh? So funny. Happy Valentines Day, Laurie!

Sweet Jesus and all that is holy. You are a genius!

Between the Anais-Anais (thanks for *that* flashback. I think I switched to Blue Grass afer that phase.) and the Laura Ashley knock-off (woo, boy! Flowers!), you had me all the way back to back-in-the-day. Scary times with scary ideas, the 80s. Oh, wait. That's right. We've still got those.

Keep on rockin' the amazing stories. Hi-larious!

(Laughing hysterically)
Oh dear and OH MY!
Lordy- Laurie, I didn't KNOW they had those horrid "purity ball" things back when we were in High School! I can't IMAGINE what I would have done if my PK (main-stream preacher's kid turned raving fundy) BF had tried that on me in front of his folks! Perhaps a sweet smile, and a bridge-burning "But Honey, isn't this a bit LATE considering last Saturday?"...but naaaah. His Hate-my-guts-for-dating-her-perfect-boy Momma would have been watching me LIKE A HAWK--and so I'd have signed it...and then TEASED THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS out 'til I made him nigh-on psychotic with unfulfilled lust the rest of his high school days. Oh...wait...I did that anyway.
Ahh..hell have no fury like a pissed off and unwillingly celibate girlfriend....

NFW!!!!!

OMG, that's funny... I don't even know what else to say, I'm still laughing!

oh my gosh..,.. you said Vajayjay
I am laughing so hard right now... love you laurie girl... can you feel the love?
Heidi

Oh. My. God. You ARE amazing! I'd never have the presence of mind at 15 to be that polite! (Though at 15 I was already a budding leftist liberal wacko and not likely to be found at a church...)

Well, times have improved a bit, as far as the chastity pledge. My niece took it at her church, and they're given a ring to wear as a reminder, and her boyfriend also took it -- the boys are asked to take the pledge now, too. I have no problem with that, in fact, I think it's a great idea, but the fact that you were taken to a "dance" under false pretenses and then pressured into something you hadn't even had time to consider, well, that ain't right, in my opinion. Kudos to you for thinking on your feet.

Because of you, I snorted coffee up my nose in mid-laugh, and then proceeded to make it exit said orifice all over my desk. And you know what? It was worth it! Best story eva. EVA.

That's so nasty, with the boys not having to sign anything! Like they're trustworthy enough...

Herbs are easy to grow, especially when you can put them outside. Are you planning herbs in pots? Maybe Francisco would leave them alone then.
You really should consider the book idea!

Laurie, if you and I ever meet in person, I'm so giving you the biggest bear hug.

happy v-day, chica.

Because of you, I snorted coffee up my nose in mid-laugh, and then proceeded to make it exit said orifice all over my desk. And you know what? It was worth it! Best story eva. EVA.

(why are my comments repeating? I'm scared!)

I'm breaking my own rule, answering BEFORE reading all other posts!! VaJayJay - I *love* it and so shall it be evermore! I'm happily married now (took me three tries, and I'm 64 years old - therefore still the generation that "took typing so we'd have a saleable skill in case we didn't get married." Valentine, we're told, was a lovely old monk who simply LOVED. Doesn't have to be Heterosexual Chocolate-Eating-champagne-drinking-diamond-wearing couples. My Life Rule: LOVE IS GOOD. That means how much I love ME (lots, even if I am short, nearsighted and sporting new dentures); how much I adore my kitties and vicie-versie; how much I love YARN and BOOKS; how much I love THIS BLOG and ice-cold milk and my feather tick and my funny clothes. What Husband #3 and I have is common interests, casual attitude towards housework, and we think each other cute (no one else would describe either of us that way). So Laurie - LOVE ON! I'm Old and Experienced, and on Valentine's Day, even love for peanut butter is a celebration. So there. (And add me to ALL of your readers who plain-out love YOU.) VaJayJay...GOTTA love that!

I actually did go to the movies when I was 13-17...though saying I saw the movie might be a stretch.

I second the person who said "Sign a deed on my cootchie for the Lord" should be a country song.

"I'll have to take this home. My daddy says I can't sign any documents without parental consent."

Freakin Brilliant!! I woulda signed the sucker and went straight to hell - because I had no guts back then.

Movies - ha! Just like I always swore it took 40 minutes to get from my bf's house to mine back in high school - "going the speed limit" - you know. What 16 year old boy drives that slow when he know's there is a back country road waiting for him and his lucky girl to park on?

I am impressed that you had actual dates in high school. I was such a wallflower. I am making up for lost time now, of course, as I can't seem to stop getting married.

Let's not miss the real holiday, OK? February 15?? The day the chocolate goes on clearance sale?

I too was swathed in a cloud of Anais Anais until I graduated high school. Yeah, and I think movie is the universal teenage code for doing something naughty with a boy.

When people ask me what I'm doing for Valentine's Day, I tell them that I'm going on a date with Ben & Jerry, or my other friend, Haagen.

I am a long time reader but I have never posted anything on the internet before. I was married twenty years ago today (not because it was romantic, it was the cheapest time of the year to get married twenty years ago-my husband loves a bargain!). My romantic evening? Recovering from a stomach virus, unclogging the sink my husband just jammed up, listening to my three daughters fight, and laughing so hard from this story that my husband thinks there is something wrong with me.

When are you going to write a book? Or at least a sit-com?

OMG Laurie, thanks for the great story, you really do know how to tell them. And the Vajayjay thing had me rotf, that scene from Grey's was soo funny.

Good lord, I just read an article the other day about those VayJayJay balls. They are so creepy and ick. Good on you for quick thinking that day :)

Oh my GAWD, that was truly priceless, and you told it so well!

Well, we'vw been married for a while, but in honor of the BIG DAY, our menu for the evening is leftover lasagna from last night; and a not-leftover dessert, Molten Chocolate Baby Cakes (that was seriously good). Even if we hadn't gotten an ice storm yesterday and been blocked in at home, we'd still have done the same thing! And then snuggle up with cats and dogs on the couch. A darn good VD!

good one.
Ages 13-17 MY parents thought I belonged to Jr. Achievement.
hehehe

holy crap! i snorted so many times when i read this, and called my mom and told her she had to catch up on her blog reading!
my valentine's day (which, i sometimes for got today was) consisted of some tzao "passion" tea, a spicy vosges candy bar, some serious chili (yum! jalapenos), and some red wine ... all, compliments of me ... to be followed up with an evening of knitting and watching my tape of 'boston legal' from last night :)
happy valentine's day!

I remember my own cloud of Anais Anais. Smelled it once years later and now I realize that someone should have taken me to church and tried to make me sign something. Thanks for the story, cracked me right up! Hope you have lots of warm cat love tonight!

ROTFLMAO....
*wipes tears from eyes*
OMG...did you just say VaJayJay???

Oh Laurie, that is an amazing Valentine's story.

I just thought you should know the SOLE REASON I popped by here today (being that I had a snow day from work and was not on the Internet all day) was to tell you I just got back from the craft store. I was cruising the beading aisle b/c I'm stocked up on yarn, but it still made me think of your Michael's Valentine's, and I wanted to share.

I shall now have some shiraz and some fancy raviolis and some beading while I was for my work-a-holic boyfriend to meander home. Very doubtful on the nekkid chocolate rolling for me as well.

You're amazing. You find a way each day to reach out and connect. You make me laugh, cry and ponder - thanks! ... and Happy Valentine's day!

Laurie,

that was such a great story...I giggled so much that I got the hiccups.

I went to catholic school for most of my school life, and I can remember when the "coochie vows" were popular.

For some reason, my school/church never asked me to take the vow (I think they were optional at the time)...which is weird, because I was probably the only virgin left in my school at the time.

My plans for today were to sit and home and crochet (or knit) and then watch CSI: NY, but then my boyfriend called last night and said he got the night off, so I'm just sitting here waiting for him to show up so we can go eat Italian food. (altho, I might try to steer him towards Greek food instead)

The conversation in the beginning is exactly why me, as a single woman, took today off from work and refused to answer the phone. I'm spending my evening watching DVR'd shows with my little brother and goofing around online.

The next time (if ever again) I do jello shooters, the first one will be for you Laurie.

Funniest V Day story. EVER.

best. vday. story. EVER.

(damn -- i wrote this before i saw the last comment... damn!)

You just made my v-day perfect. I haven't laughed this hard in days. Thank you.

Ah memories or "pledge" cards dutifully signed by Minnie Mouse, Daisy Duck, Hopalong Cassidy, Miss Notinthislifetime. I always thought it was quite amusing when the youth leaders tried to determine who had signed with such blasphemous aliases. At least if you signed it with an alias, you weren't committing your own virginity to some unknown date of restriction. And everyone knows that Minnie Mouse is always going to be a virgin.

Thanks for the giggle of remembrance.

Cindi

I went to the beginning.
i cannot believe that you used to not get three thousand hits a day.
I can't believe I never went back to the beginning before.
Tell us about the painting sometime, okay?

OMG I am so sending the link to this entry out to every female in my address book!

ROFL!!

There's never TMI where Laurie is concerned, thank God!!!!

Seriously, when does the book come out? I was seduced not once but twice into bizarre religious situations by friends, but I have to say, yours totally beats the hell out of my little crazies. And I must say, my "exotic" Anais Anais always made me feel *sniff* just a bit superior to my Guess and Liz Claiborne wearing friends.

*sigh* I was looking forward to a night out with Grasshopper, swilling down cocktails and making rude comments about folks. But she has a migraine. I thought this was going to be just another evening of watching shows saved on the DVR but then I read your post. Thanks for a hilarious ending to a pretty good day.

A great laugh-out-loud story!! The best thing I've heard all day, girl. Thanks. Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day -- love thyself; or maybe, "put on your own oxygen mask first, THEN help those nearby."

Oh man! I'm snorting tea all over my keyboard. Thanks, Laurie!!!

Happy Valentine's Day, mon cher.

Thank you for making my Valentine's Day! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I love reading your stories here on the internets, Laurie!

Ah! Romantic married Valentines!!! My husband left for truck driving school (700 miles away) two days ago, so I got two 5 minute phone calls bookending his dinner with his parents, where I'm sure I WASN'T brought fondly to mind by the in-laws. I'm the family outlaw.

OMG! This story is hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

Laurie you make me laugh in reminiscence of my teenage years. I hadn't though of Anais Anais in years! I used to wear it back then, it was my "date" perfume. Ha Ha. Your entire posting made me laugh, in a good way. Happy Valentine's Day...and an evening with some furry friends (cats) is a PERFECT Valentine's Day! :-)

my daughter is 15....
we.do.not.let.her.out.of.the.house.

but she DID get a rose this year.

I am not amused.

my daughter is 15....
we.do.not.let.her.out.of.the.house.

but she DID get a rose this year.

I am not amused.

Thanks for such a wonderful witty post.

To Criquette Anne, I do remember the Red Mask, it was called Miracol, my cousin who had severe acne, MADE me use it. Felt like my face was on fire.

GENIUS reply to the co-worker (who was probably hoping to hear that someone at White Guys in Ties Inc was getting some) and F***ING BRILLIANT reply to the pastor. I bet that other commenter was right, the son was the bait for endangered virgins.
Whoops, hit the wrong key there before.

What a great story! And that line would make a good country song.

When I started reading this, I started to think of the churches in my community and none of them would have had a dance. They were strict about drinking and dancing. Why several wouldn't even use wine for communion--Welch's Grape Juice was used instead.

Great thinking on your feet with the contract. You're clever than and still clever and talented. Thanks for a great post.

*chokes on coffee*

Oh that is so funny! When is your book coming out? There must be one... PURLEAZE!

I remember Anais Anais - it was my favourite perfume when I was 16...

Happy Single's Awareness Day!

stunned silence. that's all i got for ya. still laughing about the anais anais though. what a blast from the past. i remember getting the boxed set for christmas with the powder and the soap and the eau de toilette. bet you could smell me a mile away.

Loved the story and the boffo comeback to the married co-worker. Stay happy.

Brent T. is a genius!

What better way to find out which High School Girls will put out, while still looking like an upstanding young man?

If they sign the card, throw 'em back, but if they DON'T sign...How You Doin'?

You have no idea how much I needed this laugh today. . . you are wonderful and funny and how dare ANYONE make you sign your cootchie over to the Lord, anyway? ;-)

Thank you!

i wasn't at the movies, either. ;)

My poor parents. They totally thought I was at the movies from ages 13 through 17.

That made me laugh so loud my co-workers are questioning my sanity. All too true.

See how smart you were? Definitely more sense than a mule. Daddy should be proud.

BOYS DIDN'T HAVE TO SIGN THE PLEDGE???? I can't speak right now, I'm too enraged.

I so love that you spackled your knitting needles.

I don't know, Purl, shopping for yarn and drinking wine with cats like yours sounds like a mighty-fine evening!

I think I once accidentally attended the Mormon version of this... sets you off balance a little, doesn't it? Eesh...

This reminds me of my short and uncomfortable stint as a Rainbow Girl.

When they handed me the ribbon and asked me to "take it to the alter of white light and lay it thereon" I felt just like you.

Tricky church people. You just can't trust 'em.

**as I wipe hot cocoa off my monitor**

OMG! Someone else has the Murphy's Law-like life that I do. It's a good thing you live on the other side of the country. Two of us on the same side would be too much for mere mortals.

I loved your story and that coworker needs to keep his questions to himself! LOL Good answer.

Some poor construction worker hit the sewer line at my Frank's office yesterday afternoon, flooding the labs with raw sewage. He got to leave early, but we had to go back at 9 p.m. last night to reset the computer servers. The poor construction workers were still on the job, trying to fix the sewer lines, poor guys.

There. Can you imagine a WORSE Valentine's Day than that? Fixing a broken sewer line?

That is one of the best Valentine's stories I have ever heard. Thanks for making me laugh.

Oh dear, Laurie, you make me laugh. As I recall, we called them all (khakis) "Ducks" too, because of the "Duckhead" brand pants so many of the guys wore.

I found your website a few days ago, and spent the rest of that night reading your archives. (I didn't get far because hubby kept TALKING to me! Gah.)

Anyway- love your website, and you've inspired me to pull out the afghan I started in Dec. 2005- I haven't gotten very far, but it's out! I also asked my husband for the "knitting for dummies" book for my birthday next week- we'll see if he remembers! hahaha (if not, I'm getting it for myself!)

*
You are brilliant ..
maybe you should start working on publishing a book ..

*

You are hilarious and an excellent writer!

Hahaha...only in the south!!!!

Totally suppressing my giggles since I am reading this at the place where they pay me. Thansk so much for sharing.

I've always found God and cats to be extremely reliable secret-keepers. Thank goodness we have someone to talk to.

From the age of 15 to 17 my parents let me go ANYPLACE as long as I went with my boyfriend John. I could go to parties, to Rocky Horror Picture Show all dressed up and not get home until 2 am, Campfires on the beach, Anyplace. You see, they knew he was gay just about 2 years before I figured it out. Damn it!

Wow! That is a hilarious story! Reminds me of a time in high school a friend's family offered to take me to a concert at their church. It was Christian music being sung in Chinese, which was fine, until they started whispering translations of the words in my ear. I loved your guest blog over at Annie's, by the way.

Oh my GOD you are funny. I'm sorry you had to go through that little ceremony.

First, thank you for your humor. As a fellow thirty-something single with too many animals (2 dogs, 1 pot-roast cat), it's good to know there are others out there thriving.

Second, thanks for the idea to spackle the chewed dpns. My younger dog, the terrible terrier mix that he is, LOVES to chew everything, especially bamboo. When he did it, I just wrote off the old needles, but now I'll try the repair. Thanks again!

Just so you know, I found out about your blog through another (either Carrieoke or the Big Lug, I can't remember), and I thank the universe everyday. I save your entry for last because I know I'll enjoy it so.

You. Have got to write a book. :)

LMAO.

well, no i don't need that morning coffee :-)

no=now....

I had a part-time job and was also in Drama Club, so my evenings were always spent "at work" or "at rehearsal". When I did go "to the movies", I actually SAW the movie.

But there was also a reason why I parked my car in the waaaaaaaaaay back corner of the parking lot at the movie theatre...

Yeah, I never went on a 'double date' in my life. But my mom thought I did.

It always made me sooooo uncomfortable when the church started talking about the Big V. You're already a confused teen, and then they tell you you're going to hell if you do anything with it? No wonder kids are so screwed up...

That was a great story. :)

(BTW: maybe five cats would be?)

:P

Lordy, woman! You are one funny lady! I love the way you write things down and the way that I read them in my head. :)

I am a 100% fan of your blog. :) Great story!

But I must say...why do all parents persist in believing that their daughters are/were at the movies between ages 13 to 17? Becuase we never never are/were. Never. (Except that one time that we did go to the movies but proceeded with our normally scheduled programming in the back of the theatre.)

I love the things you say to people. Like your co-worker, and the silly Pastor T. I also enjoyed clever use of the word hootchie, and VaJayJay. I vote Crazy Aunt Purl for president.

Aaah, I'm running behind again. Just had to let you know that this reminded me of my first official date: Valentine's Day Dance at the kinda-boyfriend-because-he's-always-at-my-house's church. Southern Baptist. So not really a dance, since that's kind of against the rules.

So I'm showering that afternoon, and manage to take a half-inch wide by five inch long strip of skin off the outside of my ankle with the safety razor. A little toilet paper wouldn't do the job; luckily we had a huge band-aid that almost covered the whole thing. It looked so nice under my pantyhose, too.

So I feel your pain. I didn't have to avoid any contract-signing, but I think I had the same amount of fun you did.

Oh dear!!! I'm here at my little office (ok so it's a glorified storage room, geesh!!!) and I am dying!!! I've read all your Valentine's day stories and this one is THE BEST!!! I am college aged and single and nothing better than ringing in this holiday with a little of the alchy and some knitting... i call that love!