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February 1, 2007

February2007 Horoscopes

I really wish they would have let Pluto stay a planet and would have taken stupid Mercury out of the mix, always retrograding like it's just having a party over there in the fifth house of "Make Your Life A Horror Movie." But that's okay, that's fine. I'm going to pretend Pluto is still a planet. You might want to remember that when you read my prognostications. And then later I may have some real estate to sell you, beachfront property! and we can have a sleepover where we do a séance to talk to your childhood puppy.

But in all seriousness, because that is how I am you know, very serious, February has a LOT going on for such a short month:

• Stupid Mercury, always retrograding when the rest of us want to par-tay! That is from February 13 to March 7.
• Full moon on February 2nd to taunt us.
• Groundhog Day, while not astrological in nature, still. It's a day.
• Valentine's Day. Let's just face it.
• New Moon on February 17.
• Oh, and Mardi Gras. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

And it keeps going into March, I guess since February was short there was some astrological spillover:
• Major eclipse on March 3 in Virgo. Go Virgo, Go Virgo!
• On March 7, Mercury turns direct. Then we all have wine.

Actually, the really scary part of all this is that I woke up this morning and ... it was already FEBRUARY! How the heck did it get here so fast?

- - - - - - - - - - -

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Happy Birthday! My older brother is an Aquarius and he is often just a puzzle to me. He's one of the smartest people I know, and he's also very complex, with a soft heart but no one would ever guess. Typical Aquarius! Anyway, February is a big big financial month for you, although you might not see the results until mid-March when a whole bunch of planets hang out together and hand out karma dollars. I do want to gently caution that your soft heart, well-hidden as it may be, may find itself being pulled on this month, especially between now and mid-February. Luckily for you, there's a big new moon in your sign around that time which makes all the difference between merely trudging onward and actually walking for enjoyment. You have a lot of compassion inside, and I assure you that compassion doesn't have an end. You were blessed with endless amounts of it, you'll just need to trust that you won't run out.

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Well, color me surprised and hand me a cocktail. I do believe our friend Pisces here has finally had exactly E-NOUGH of the craziness, the instability, the forever limbo. I think in fact Pisces may have just gotten what we refer to in highly secretive astrological lingo as "a backbone." It has always been there, of course, you're just not real fond of using it ... not because Pisces is weak, mind you, but because more than any other sign on the wheel, Pisces folks do understand the ripple effect of every action, every word, every thought. So they do their darndest to make sure they don't screw stuff up, thereby ending the universe as we know it. But all that fear of making a misstep can be paralyzing, and you end up mired in your own indecision. Like I'm telling you something you don't know. Anyway! That's all just talking, since you are DEFINITELY no longer mired down this month. I'm quite pleased with what I see, I think you'll be right proud of your backbone by month's end. Then you can get back to your old familiar worrywart self.

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
You're more focused on the day-to-day aspects of your life than ever before. For an Aries, this is like the death knell of creativity. Ya'll are so dramatic! Merely resist the urge to think you're drowning in the mundane! I like to think of the really basic pieces of our day-to-day lives as our "kitchen reality" and the beauty of kitchen reality is that you develop an appreciation for the art, the beauty of life, even if it happens in your kitchen, your copy room at work, or your cubicle. Retrograding Mercury gives you the ability to rest for a moment and see your life for the very beauty it holds in the smallest places. Enjoy it.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
I'm sorry about Mercury going all notrograde on you. Stupid astrology! But the thing about Taurus (taurii?) is that when you are pushed into a corner and feel completely pressured, ya'll manage to be absolutely, hands down the BEST VERSION OF YOU EVER! Your primary issue all month will be your core fear vs. your core reality. (I make that sound so easy. But really it's kind of HUGE.) For example, if your core fear is that you are unworthy, your main challenge all month will be trusting your own instincts in the face of a million naysayers all trying to foist their unworthy solutions upon you. Simply rely upon your Taurii vibe for innate goodness, and plow through them when they are wrong. Because really? They are wrong. You are innately good, Taurus. Defend your gut!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
I like to base all my fauxrriscopes on the people I am closest to from the astrological wheel. Gemini is always close to my heart because I was born right on the cusp, and I feel responsible for knowing what my neighbors are up to. This will be a trying and frustrating month for Gemini because dumb Mercury is in notrograde, making life difficult. Interestingly enough, Geminis will have a weirdly cohesive month, with strange opportunities showing up around every corner. It's ball in your court month, Gemini. Your challenge is to chase after the odd and unusual opportunities February will bring. Also, FYI. One of them may be very very goodlooking.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Oh crap. You got me again as your ASTROLOGER! Didn't you learn, last year, when I wanted us to start a gang called the Cancer Crips? All I can say about February is resist the temptation to ostrich! You may well want to bury your head in the sand, but truth is you're smarter and more pragmatic than anyone on Team Problem, so do not hide from your primary challenge this month. (It is hard for me to take my own advice, but I try.) The good news is that although we are prone to forget the past only when it suits us, truth is we are having a MUCH better year so far than we were having this time last year. If you need proof, just browse backward through your old diaries, old reciepts, old memories. And for a Cancer, that is progress! Also, on an unrelated note: Perfect flawed Cancer, forget about this Valentine’s Day horsesh*t. Just enjoy the discount pink items on the 15th, remember that love does not get one designated day, and rise above any expectations of forced romance. Hallmark holidays are not for crabs. We prefer our maudlin romanticism on unexpected Tuesdays in June or October or March, thankyouverymuch.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I wanted to put an exclamation sign after your name like Leo! Woohoo! You have made serious progress so far this year and 2007 is in the hizzey! (I don’t know what hizzey means either, but in hiphop lingo apparently it is good.) So just love and know and appreciate your greatness. February only sucks because stupid Mercury does its hiding thing, and you'll have some financial integrity issues. Let me ask you a question. Do you rely upon your own judgment, or the judgment of others? Might I suggest that you begin to voice some Leo prowess, even in finances? You have way more roar than the other guys. You may want to inform them you are in the financial "hizz-ay" now and you will be making your own monetary decisions, yo yo. (I really have to get a handle on the bad slang. Sorry!)

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Resourceful. Lovely. Ready. These are the three words popping up in your House Of Adjectives this month. I often don't "get" the Virgo chart, ya'll are so unlike Cancer and sometimes it feels like I'm staring into a book full of Greek and Latin words mixed in together. But this month I can see your adjectives, and that is a good start. Resourceful: Virgos are rockstars at making silk out of hay. You manage to take some rather unappealing junk in life and make it into really unique (and valuable) opportunities. You're more ready right now for financial success than you have maybe ever been, and you deserve every penny of it. You worked hard and didn't give up when life handed you junk during that three-month period last year. Lovely: Well, you are! Ready: Let me say it again, you are ready for the good and happy pieces. Your chart is very clear on this one, and those pieces are on their way.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
Libras are some of the least confrontational folks on the entire planet. Even the few Libras who will engage in an altercation from time to time are nothing compared to a deceptively nice Cancer who has finally had ENOUGH or a raging Scorpio on like, any given Monday. Ya'll just don't let emotions build and build inside you, you're far too cerebral for that nonsense. But February has all sorts of craziness attached to it, there's stuff retrograding and there's other stuff eclipsing within mere weeks and full moons, and good grief. By mid-month you may just want to haul off and hurl at someone. I don't usually advise anyone to say what's on their mind in the heat of anger, since I am Southern and we are all about repressing our feelings. However, this month would be a really good time to try expressing your emotions ... start by just writing it down, and then feel all proud of yourself for having the self-control to get over it. Because you will, of course. You're a Libra!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
I LOVE Scorpios. I don't talk about my adoration of the Scorpio very often, but the truth is my very first true love is a Scorpio and ya'll forever hold a place in my heart. Having said that, I do tend to see ya'lls little pitfalls and personality snares as mere particulars. Others, however, are not always as forgiving. There is a weird angle in your astrological chart this month, like your eleventeenth house of home and family has its panties in a bunch. Might I suggest biting your tongue with either a close friend or family member midmonth when there will be a little tension? Trust me. It would be REALLY A GOOD IDEA. Yes, you are passionate and fabulous, but also sometimes it is good to hold back a little on the passion, verbally, and let others just say what's on their minds.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
How is the year of no secrets, no darkness, no messes going? Ahem. I am merely going to give you a gentle reminder that you are absolutely better than what you think of yourself at this very moment and you need to stop worrying over all the still-incomplete To Do lists from last December. I know the first month of this year went by a little fast, but real quicklike it will be spring, then summer, then you'll be saying, Holy Crap! It's going to be my birthday! And you'll wonder where another year went. Change your scenery to change your outlook. There is no other sign in the zodiac that could benefit from a little time off more than you, Sagittarius! Consider planning a vacation (ASAP) even if it is just a one day getaway, a long drive on a beautiful road, a field trip to a place you love nearby, or a full-fledged vacay to a new city. You need change right now as much as you need food or water.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Two of my best friends are Caps and so is my Dad. These are the people closest to me in the world, and I love watching the changes in their lives as they move through their days, each so different as people yet so much alike! January was a really interesting month for Capricorns (hint: "inneresting" is the word we use to describe things that were crucial, but not always easy.) Ya'll have gotten some major enlightenment in the past few weeks, followed by periods of real frustration. It's because you hate change, and change is ALL AROUND YOU. Well, let me be more specific. You like change that you fully control, but a lot of what's happening involves your future which right now is an unwritten book and the more you try to write it down, the more changier it gets. You must MUST relax your grip a tiny bit or your head will pop off. If it makes you feel any better, Saturn (which is causing all this trouble for you) comes out of its sneaky phase in April and all these things that have been murky and scary become clear and fresh and comforting.

Posted by laurie at February 1, 2007 10:05 AM