I agree completely. You rock. Keep me thinkin', Valley Girl!

I had the same problem, both when I lost weight and again when I gained weight after an eating disorder. People meant well...but every comment about my weight was painful to me, no matter how kindly intended. I finally got to the point of just saying "Oh, that's just boring stuff. Let's talk about something INTERESTING. Did you know I was thinking about taking a class in....?" etc. Most people get the point without my having to go on to answer number 2: "I'm sorry, but I really don't like to invest my energy in talking about my weight. Let's talk about something else."

I agree with you completely. Three years ago, I was about 40 pounds thinner. I had just graduated college, and I also had massive debt from student loans and credit cards, was working two really crappy jobs, and would binge-drink several times a week like I was still in college. Now, I have an awesome job. I am way more stable when it comes to dating and drinking. I spend money a lot more responsibly, and am starting to pay down my debt and actually save money. But for some reason, I have to make myself think of all the positive changes in my life, of which there have been many. My first inclination is always to think, "I wish I weighed what I did 3 years ago."

Laurie, you are beautiful at any size. I have been enjoying your blog for quite some time now, and I just love you.

You are right on about the weight. Sometimes we use it to hide, and when it is time to come out again from behind our weight it can be scary. However, it can also be very exciting. I, too, have pictures that I have hidden and torn up, and for quite a few years I have looked at a picture or in the mirror and said, "Who is that person? (cos that can't be me!)"

But right now I am getting healthy and losing weight and taking some of my life back (from everyone else who wants a piece of me) and learning to eat not because the kids are making me crazy or someone is stressing me out but because I am hungry.

It is a step in the right direction, and I am very proud of myself. I am very proud of you too.

Thank you for writing about the things we are afraid to admit. You don't know how much you help us.

I've not posted before, but I just had to after reading this one. Thank you. Simply, thank you.

Oh wow, I'm #3.

I'm always lurking, but I can't resist. It's hard, isn't it? When someone means to compliment you by saying "wow you lost weight!", they are also noting that you were heavy before - and that heavy-before was not a good thing, whereas lighter-now is a good thing. It's one thing to say "I LOVE that outfit, you look great." - it's nother to imply that you are better because you have less weight.

I try my best to gauge my weight by how comfortable I feel, whether I feel out of shape or too constricted in my favorite clothes. Others often do not see me as "big" (at least in US, at least in non-metro suburbia) but I don't feel "small", and I always try to focus on whether I'm taking care of myself as a whole - skin, exercise, nutrients, mind, heart, soul, money, work... - rather than on the number on the scale... but it's hard.

I think your friend Faith has the best solution. As for those who insist on digging into "HOW-HOW-HOW?" - I think you should just lower your voice and say, "well... I found this pair of red shoes... and I clicked the heel three times and said 'there's no place like home'... and here I am!"

Happy Saturday from the FREEZING Northeast!

Two years ago, after my daughter was born, I developed a thyroid problem. I was extremely ill and lost 45 lbs in 2 months. I was so thin I looked sick, and people had an odd reaction to it. They would say, "oh wow, you look really thin. Are you ok? You could stand to put on some weight!" BUT in the next breath they would say something totally stupid like, "I wish I could have a thyroid problem."

I just can't understand why people feel the need to comment on someone's weight, whether they're heavy or skinny. Why can't people just say, "hey, you look great!" or say nothing at all?

It is wonderful to read of your new attitude. You're absolutely right, you have to do it for YOU and no one else. Best wishes for a new, healthy lifestyle!

I wish I had some spiffy or witty comment to convey how much I relate to your post. Alas, I do not. All I can say is I'm right there with you, on every single word you typed.

You rock beyond words.

Hey Gorgeous!
You're beautiful if you're a size 2 or size 22! Reading your entries about your weight is like reading about myself! I have struggled with my weight since I was about 12, and have always managed to have friends that are half the size I am. Some are wonderful, and have helped me realize that I'm beautiful because of who I am not what I look like. And some friends have been not so good, and couldn't understand why I didn't like going shopping for clothes with them! (Um, because I CAN'T buy clothes for myself at Forever 21?)

Anyway, my point is to just let you know that you're beautiful and wonderful! Look, the majority of us that read your posts everyday don't know exactly what you look like, and we alll love you!

Have a great day!

Laurie - you hit the nail right on the head, as you usually do!! Be happy with yourself - love yourself, I know, this is darn hard to do!

My favorite thing to say when someone says to me - have you lost weight - is no, I don't think so, why? Puts the ball right back in their court!

Here's to ya - cheers.

"you don't ever actually win that prize"- still trying to get that one thru my thick skull...
thanks for the honesty, it helps so much with others of us on the same long path.

Laurie...

I too have struggled with my weight over the last 12 years. After I had my daughter, I gained 30 pounds. I went from being a 10-12 to an 18 pushing 20.

Instead of going into stores like the Gap to buy clothes, I had to go to Lane Bryant. After every trip I would end up in tears. How did I get so fat? How did I let myself get to this point?

The worst was the first time my father flew back East to visit me. The look on his face was horrifying. You could tell he thought I looked awful, but didn't want to say anything.

I finally decided to go on a diet and lose some weight. At first it was just to shed the weight that was making me feel so horrible. I changed the way I ate and I joined Curves so I could work out.

Slowly I realized I wasn't doing this just for my weight. I was doing it for my overall health, and that is when I started to feel happier and healthier.

I don't know how much weight I've lost, and frankly I don't care. I'm down to a 12, but some times I have to buy a 14 for a better fit. I know in my heart that it is just a number and doesn't mean a damn thing. I know I'm a beautiful woman, inside and out. And so are you. Beautiful for who you are, and how you connet with so many people through your blog.

You are a wonderful person who makes the day of so many people, and that is what really counts. :)

well said. if we could just get our image of ourselves in our heads to change as quickly as we change our appearance!

Amen.

You're right, and I'm guilty of inflicting the same hurt on you that people do to me, and I'm sorry. People who've read my blog (mostly my Diaryland one) know that I had gastric bypass surgery in 2003. I've lost 150 lbs and can barely fit into a size 16. After 150 lbs, I'm pretty sick and tired of people saying, "Yeah, I can really see it in your face. Your face is slimmer."

Dude.

Also, my little sister and I have red, curly hair (she straightens hers now, but that's an entirely different set of morals). I never felt so close to her as when, 10 years ago, we were Christmas shopping at the mall and ran into an old neighbor who'd moved away. We never were that close, because Neighbor was of the snooty, spoiled sort and we were not. Neighbor gave us the family report (how's mommanem and all that) and then proceeded to gush about our red hair, omg such beautiful red hair, and the curls, and she wishes she had red hair like that. And my sister (then 16 or 17) looked her in the eye and said, "We have great personalities, too."

So proud.

Laurie, I only left what I thought was an encouraging comment about your size because you recently started saying that you feel like you're overweight. I wasn't thinking about how it would actually affect you - and trust me, I feel stupid now because I hate when anyone so much as acknowledges that I have a size, whether it's larger or smaller than the last time they saw me. I would prefer to exist as a noncorporeal entity that wisps her way through the world, graceful and light on her feet. Sadly, I feel more like Peter Griffin. Meh-eh-eh.

I *so* know what you mean. I lost quite a bit of weight bout 4-5 years ago and for years people looked at me in surprise everytime they saw me -- first because I lost the weight and then becasue I kept it off maybe?!?! I don't know. I guess you have to just learn to not worry about what other people do or say.

The weirdest thing was realizing that I had lost weight. For the longest time I still thought I was my old weight even though I wasn't. I think once I came to terms with that, dealing with other people was a breeze!

My therapist once tried to get me to understand that I am not my body. When you are overweight, that is so hard to get, especially since people don't really see you, they just see a "FAT". Not a person, just an adjective. ANd when I lose weight and they say- whoa, you've lost a ton! I feel awful, like I should join in and trash my former self. Oprah WInfrey once said "My personality is not in my thighs" and while I agree, I also feel less of a person, because I am heavy.

Bravo to you for figuring out a way to alter things in a weigh you can manage over the long haul. You are fabulous, regardless of size, and it irritates me when people tell me that, too.

I just want to thank you for continuing to share your thoughts. I've been overweight at varying degrees all my life, and for the first time, you're making me look at it and think about it in new ways.

I do think we are more than our size - unfortunately, getting too caught up in that train of thought can lead to people like me. I tend to find ways to authorize what I'm doing by reminding myself that people should see beyond the fat me - they should see the me inside. It's just not how society is, though.

And more importantly, I need to be more healthier and more active - for me. Not for them.

Thank you for always being so candid.

You chould check out Fat Girl's Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker. I was having body issues, and had for quite some time, and this book kinda made me realize that it doesn't matter.

"We are all so much more than a number, or a jeans size, or a list of what we ate one day."

...or our jobs or our bank accounts or how clean our houses are or what kind of car we have. Fear and self-esteem issues come in many packages.

Thanks for sharing, you and all the commenters. It's hard to remember sometimes that there are a whole lot of us who share so many things. It sure helps me to come here every day and not feel so alone.

Hi Laurie

I know too well of the weight struggles. When I comment on someone's weight loss and what to know HOW HOW HOW??? It's because I want to do it too. But you know what? I already know how. I just need to do it.

But what I really wanted to say and I mean this most sincerely and I am not JUST saying it:
When I looked at that picture you are the one that stood out and NOT because of your size. It is this glow that you have. You look more alive than anyone in that picture. It is like light comes off of you. I compare it to Meg Ryan- you have that same type of glow and light. Really. you do.

Yes! Thank you for saying it so well.

Oh, I just thought of a reply to "HOW HOW HOW?"

"Gnomes!"

Laurie; You have said exactly what I would have were I eloquent enough. That having been said, there only one answer to, "are you dieting". That answer is, "just trying to be healthier" and change the subject. Have one ready just for this akward social situation. My subject? "How 'bout those Bears (as in football)?" Not that I could care less about football - but people get the idea. "None of your business. Love to chat, but not on this topic!"

Dr. Oz has lots to say on this issue. I have heard him say on Oprah that heavy people will seem healthy as far as test results. However, there is still no reason to be that big. I go to Weight Watchers and follow the YOU plan myself. Yes, the brain is the big eating machine! Good for you for beating that one down, keep it up!

When they ask how you did it, lean in conspiratorially and whisper, "Tapeworms."

i've been lurking for a while, but i just had to say thank you. Thank you for being so brave and honest and open. You rock. So hard.

Ah, Laurie, Once again we crabby-ladies are travelling a similar path. I am slowly working to refind the adult, healthy, strong, happy body that I owned a couple decades ago. Part of that plan is to convert about 44 lbs. of excess fat into about 10-15 pounds of strong muscle.

It's not "losing weight".. it's refinding myself. Yet it's always "voiced" by others.. and too often by myself.. in terms of weight and size, though in my head I know it's something different.

I'm happier now that I've started this journey. I hurt less, and finding more confidence. I have given away almost all my elastic waist paints (except for workout sweats).

Still, I just recently put a photo of my face online. Why? I couldn't deal with seeing my father jowls on my face. I couldn't (and still can't) deal with people seeing my face the way it really is. It's not the face I have in my head.

Someday I will make down to SoCal and we will have to have drink together. Two stronger, more confident, happier broads.

Yep, it's hard enough to do this without being made a public spectacle of. My own moment came when my doctor handed me a prescription and said "I'm supposed to tell you to lose weight/change your diet first, but nobody ever really does that so here's your pills and do let me know if you experience any of the irreversible side effects." Oh, challenge my stubbornness, why don't you? So I did the whole healthiness thing and everyone remarked on how I looked and when "thank you" didn't shut them up (and some, mostly those who weren't at the right beginning place themselves, were pretty ugly about their accusations that it was a vanity thing rather than health) I just looked at them and said "I'm a diabetic." No one argues with diabetics. Sure, it's sort of a lie (although I could have achieved diabetic if I had kept on where I was eating my way to), but it shuts them up and they leave me alone. Which is the point.

I agree. :)

"I'm trying not to be insane, and trying not to eat my emotions."

That's better advice than a truckload of diet books. I also love the "trying" part. We just do our best. :) Nobody can do or be everything!

Thank you so much for your insights, your candor, and your pompom instructions! We *heart* you.

P.S.

You are so quotable, but I want to give you another quote that has helped me:

"The standard is not perfection, it is fulfillment and liberation."

I won't tell you what you already know, but I will tell you that you have inspired me to -
1) Live out loud.
2) Take control (I too love my wine... and beer... and mudslides... drool...)
3) Be better to ME!

I picked up You On A Diet, and now I can see what you mean. Not hurting myself by shoving food in to shut up the hurt and pain inside - that was a huge moment for me to admit that I have done that for years.

Every day is a chance to be better to ME, to eat food that I love but not so much I feel it actually slamming into place on my tush, to be enjoy what I eat, not eat because I am unhappy.

Thank you Purl. By posting the words I have carried around inside of me for so long, you have shown me a way out.

And now I'm off to find my walnuts, who knew they could work that well?

Keep talking it thru, Laurie! And keep at it. Say "thanks" when people notice. When people ask about your diet, tell them you are making lifestyle changes, you are living healthy. Over the past two years I have dropped 60 pounds (two years!) but when I shop I still reach for my old sizes. In my head, and in the mirror, I still see the BIG me. It takes such a long time to re-program the thinking!!

Know what I did? I started knitting instead of eating! LOL When I have a knitting needle in each hand, I can't snarf down comfort food. Some days/evenings I knit a lot!

I didn't post on the last post about weight, even though I thought it was amazing. But I had to post here. I really, really empathize with your weight issues. I've never been super-thin naturally, but I kicked off a life of dieting with a 3-year struggle with anorexia when I was 10. I was fortunate to recover before things got too bad, and for the most part, ever since then, I've bounced between relatively thin and a little heavy. Until four years ago, when I went through a major depression. Just before that depression, I had stabilized at a pretty great weight and was training to teach yoga. But not getting out of bed for three months, I found myself in a very different place. Even after the depression started to lift, everything about what I had and who I was before was pretty much shattered. And I gained 120 pounds over the course of the next 4 years. Basically, I doubled in size.

I knew I had gained a good deal of weight, but since that had happened countless times before, I wasn't so worried. I was still wearing size 16 dresses, so I didn't think it could be *too* bad. Until I saw pictures. I cried, too. I think the very lowest point, for me, was getting portraits taken with my (very elderly) grandparents, who I may not get to see again. Because when I saw them, I knew that I would never, never put those portraits up. I just could not face the image I saw. And I felt so sad that I hated the way I look that much.

Since that experience, I have come to face my weight, and I've started to peel it away. As I lose the weight, I feel better, and I am trying so hard to focus on health, not pants size. But damn, that is hard to do. It's even harder with other people's input interfering. Whether it is positive or negative, commentary from others really kind of blurs the line between something I am doing for myself and something I am doing for others. My dad still won't put up any pictures of me that are from the last 5 years. And I still remember him saying how great I looked at 102 pounds (at 5'9), right at the height of my eating disorder (for the record, I looked really awful---some people might be meant to be that skinny, but I was not). It's very, very difficult to keep reinforcing positive thoughts and my own health when I hear his voice in my head. And when it is so obvious how differently all the people around me treat me depending on my weight. But I am trying, and I am determined to succeed.

Anyway, eating in secret, hiding behind the weight, I really understand where you're coming from, and where you want to be (especially the focusing on health, not weight--damn, I am so done with thinking about how fat I am). And I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you've found a path that is working to take you away from those things.

As for the comments, when people ask me what I've been doing to lose weight, I just say "eating better and exercising more." Even though it's the truth, that answer tends to shut down the conversation---I think most people want to hear you say some magic solution (though I've noticed that when they do hear about some unusual tactic, they are quick to shoot it down). But doing just normal, little things? No one wants to believe that that will work. Because it is so simple, and so straightforward. And how could it be so easy? But it is. So that's what I say, and it tends to bring things to a halt really quickly.

Sorry this is so long. Really what I wanted to say is just that I wish you all the best in supporting your health. And in adapting to the new emotional and social terrain that you encounter along that path. Thank you so much for sharing what you're experiencing. It is so helpful to the hundreds of us that are experiencing it too.

Hey, you're still hot enough that a cutie with DIMPLES would lie about his age just so you'd go out with him. Here's a free program that I just started, make sure you add them to your white list because for some reason goes straight into your Spam folder
http://www.scaletheworld.com/

Damn, you're a good writer.

Isn't funny the vision you hav of yourself looking out and what you "see" when you look in the mirror doesn't match what the camera captures?

I actually gained weight - but I've battled weight my entire life. Only I didn't have a divorce to blame.

I finally had a co-worker start cooking for me - best money I EVER spent! She loves to cook. I hate it. Portions are right. Food is healthy. I've lost 40 pounds over the course of about a year. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat for dinner...it's all done. I also have a lot more energy.

And everyone that sees me keeps asking me you've lost what weight, what have you done? Nothing really...it's been so slow. Way less than a pound a week and I've got like another 75 to go!

What am I suppose to say? Well, I'm really a moron and even though I can cook and know what I'm suppose to do and how to do it, I can't handle it so I now have someone do my cooking?

Why can't they come up with a better compliment? Like wow, you look so happy? or every time I see you you get younger and younger? Anything people!!!

Thank you, Laurie.

Wow, wow, wow...and exactly! I have taught myself not to see weight. Not that I'm not aware of it but that it is not what defines me or the people around me. That's a tough one in a society that dictates size matters. And I had to gain weight to come to this realization so I thank my thigh size every day for that knowledge and insight. Fat really isn't anything more than fat just like skin is skin or the grass is grass. Why we attach so much meaning to it is beyond me - people are not defined by fat molecules.

carrie, *snort*!

Yay you! :) (From an incidentally-heavier-than-I-want-to-be me who also refuses to "diet".)

I've struggled for 45 years with weight issues. At various times I've been what is considered "normal" but it didn't last because of just what you said today. It's not our bodies that betray us, it's our heads. Thank goodness you're not going to spend another 20 years figuring it out, but have started now. Each time I start again I learn more.

Laurie - Good for you for working on you, for the right reason....YOU! Because above and beyond everything else that is all that really matters!!

Braveheart - that's you, dear Laurie. I know how much courage it took to post that picture, but in the end it's liberating. So true that we are much more than just a number on a scale. And as always, you said it beautifully.

Love to read your blog. During and after my weight loss, I struggled with what to say to some people when they would ask nosy questions. I wanted to say 'Good lord, what did you have for breakfast?' Instead, I looked each and every one of them in the eye and in a deadpan voice told them there is no secret to weight loss... eating healthy foods in the right amounts and exercise.

Not only do I agree whole-heartedly, what I think is particularly amazing is how you're changing other people's lives by describing the struggles. Being a woman at this time in our society/culture is really, really hard in lots of ways, and we're all trying our best to deal.

There's so much to say about it. You inspired me to go back and post something from last year that I had written, posted briefly, and then taken down about this very thing.

I agree. You rock. And you will keep on rocking. Of this we can be sure.

When my sister lost weight recently, people commented to her relentlessly about it. Not a huge amount, 15 pounds or so, but significant nonetheless. Her response was always, "I used to eat enough food for two people, and now I eat enough for one." It never failed to shock people which usually shut them right up. I loved it! Regardless, you look happy, which is the best way to look, I think.

Amen sister!

I know exactly what you mean about the people commenting on weight loss thing. Since I moved to San Francisco a year ago, I have done a lot more walking (thanks to not living in the 'burbs and needing to drive everywhere), but according to my scale I have not lost more than about 3 lbs. I am still rockin' my own size 22 LB pants (and thank god for them, or I would not be able to dress anywhere near decent), yet many people INSIST I am thinner. I was telling them, "Oh no no no, you're wrong!" for a while, but recently I have just been saying, "I guess so! Thanks!" and moving on. It seems to work, and keeps me from thiking about my weight all the time.

AMEN!! Because I too have struggled with this issue if I feel the need to say something to someone for encouragement in the weight loss issue I comment on the outfit, the hair style the skin tone, I take it all away from "Wow you lost weight"
Weight is such a personal thing and when you are losing it it makes it hard to stay focussed when people are REMINDING you

My thoughts on your picture were what beautiful yarn, sure wish I had a boatload of that....and how adorable you were.
Knit on.....

You do indeed have so many interesting things to talk about, and I love rading whatever they may be, but here's one more Thank You for your honesty about how you're feeling. You are amazing, and inspirational, and cool beyond cool.

{{{hugs}}}

Oh, what a perfect post about weight! Weight is such an issue for us: Get it off, put it on, move it up, move it down, eat the right kind of fat, avoid the wrong kind of fat, play find-the-fat in the ingredients ... well, you know. These days, I'm not worrying about my weight. I'm focusing, instead, on eating healthy. Well, mostly. And while I'm not losing, I'm also not gaining. At all. For a long time. So something better is happening here. Now if only I could harness this power for good!

Always fun to read your blog. So glad to hear you're eating better and feeling better too. I absolutely loved your red scarf with the pom poms (pom pons?) too!

I'm a lurker, but I do want to say that I am truly proud of you. Not for the weight loss, but for the attitude change. It's wonderful to see you really taking care of yourself, and doing it for the right reasons. Keep it up, because you deserve to be happy about who you are.

What great changes you've made. The change has to come from the inside out and you are doing it. I've been exactly where you are...divorced, overweight in size 22, alone and with cats. Doing it for ME was the most important thing I've EVER done. It took me awhile, but it was so worth it.

I remarried, had babies and have had to conquer those same demons again, but I'm doing it. I'm about 20 lbs from the weight I'd like to be. Doing it even MORE slowly this time, to try to work through those demons that like to play around in my head. Not eating my emotions is the hardest part of this.

I'm so glad you are doing this and just remember that as you go through this learning process it is a LEARNING process. Learning means you don't always succeed at each and every incident, BUT you learn from that and keep on going, so that you get better and better and better at succeeding for life!

And I'm SOOO with you on the eating alone (or closet eating as I call it). That is when it is the hardest for me...but I'm still learning. :)

P

It doesn't help that we live in a culture that embraces anorexia and external physical beauty as "virtues".
And living here, in L.A. only magnifies that.
PS. Uncomfortable or not, you're the only one actually smiling at that table.

Oh, honey. You're beautiful. I'm so jealous of your long, lovely blonde hair to tell you the truth in all your pictures! And you'll have that no matter WHAT size you are!

I've lost over 60 lb. in the last couple of years and to be perfectly honest, although it's been nice for the most part, it's only one piece of the puzzle. I'm still the same person with a little less fat on my ass. The other emotional baggage is still there.

I think that I thought that if I lost all the weight all my other problems would disappear and, oh my god, that isn't true! But I'm working on the other stuff. It IS a relief to not have to haul that extra weight around. I went skiing for the first time in six years a couple of weeks ago and it was so awesome to have the strength and agility and stamina to go!

Keep up the awesome work!

People just don't know what to say; we're so obsessed with weight in this culture and it's hard not to notice. But I have at least learned to shut my big mouth and just tell my friends hello.

Here's something you can say when people pry that lets you off the hook without having to confront people, on those days that you don't want to:

"Oh, I'm just taking better care of myself: eating right and trying to get enough sleep and living a balanced life. That's more important than the numbers on the scale. How are you doing? You look great!"

Believe me, NOBODY wants you telling them how to balance their life. They'll change the topic faster than a stinky diaper.

I like the sound of Dr. Oz; the advice seems like the kind of common sense that we all know deep down but manage to ignore until someone brings it to our attention.

I got Paul McKennas book a few weeks ago, which also talks about (amongst other things) emotional eating. It becomes such a habit doesn't it? Telling the difference between genuine hunger and feeling crap in one way or another is not so hard once you realise what's going on.

Having said that, sometimes only a doughnut will do, and that's ok too :-)

Katie

Dear Skinny People: If you want to compliment a friend who has lost a boatload of weight, tell him or her, "Hey, you look fantastic!" That way we can convince ourselves that you mean our new hairstyle is really great, or our skin has really cleared up, or our outfit is particularly spectacular. We can pretend that you haven't noticed that we're not Fatty Mobatty anymore. We can believe that it's not all about our weight, which is a hard thing for us to believe, so help us out, wouldja? Thank you! Love, Your Pudgy Friend.

Can you tell I've had some weight issues of my own? I hope that wasn't too subtle. :) Today's post spoke to me, Laurie. You are absolutely right: I add up to much, much more than the "size 18" tag in my jeans. We all do.

((((((hugs))))))

Way to go, you remind me that I do this not to meet others expectations, but to feel better the next time I am at a wedding and I have to be in photos of the family.

We do this for ourselves, and is there anyone more deserving!?!?!
Thank you.

"I may never fit back into my skinny jeans but I will hopefully never have to eat in secret again, or hide myself with my own fat, or hide my vacation pictures, justify my weight to anyone"

AMEN!!

After reading "You on a diet" I discovered that a lot of what was going on in my world was in my head. I stopped "trying to loose weight" and I started to "try to eat more healthy" and the weight seems to be coming off and staying off like never before.....interesting!

Yea for your journey!! You are not alone!

i could not agree with you more. and this is why, when i see someone who has clearly lost weight, all i say is, "you look great."

you amaze me on a daily basis. Can I be your stalker? I am about 3 months behind you ont he thought process but I am keeping steady...

OK - Just read 63 notes all saying how much we love you, and it's TRUE! You're all those positive things and inspiring to boot. The 'problem', Dearling, is not you, it's those who say stupid things. I must admit, I agree with any who suggest a sarcastic answer, passive-aggressive that I am: "Have I lost weight? No, I'm just older". I LOVE that picture - for one thing, that may be as close as I ever get to Paris; for another thing, my first and only thought was "What a dazzling smile!" I always wonder at people who are concerned with other people's weight, color, sexual orientation, religion.....they have empty heads, empty hearts, and waaaay too much time on their hands. I'll add my remarks to the others: YOU ROCK!

This is one area I very strangely rarely notice about people (if they have gained/lost weight). Although if someone I know has lost a significant amount of weight and it's really obvious I will say something like "wow, you look great!" and leave it at that.

Believe it or not people of all sizes get this. I am considered "skinny" and pretty steady with weight, never dieted, always pretty active blah blah but guess what I also get the comments! People sometimes say "have you lost weight?" "you look great!" "are you working out?"and I'll be like huh? wha? No..? Doing nothing new or different...? No idea what's up with that.

I really appreciated this post. I sure could use a knock over the head for the lack of sensitivity I demonstrate some days. I hope I can learn from you to just leave some things alone and let people be. We ARE more than just a size or what we ate that day. Adult education is alive and well!

Many hugs,

Laurie, when I was young, my best friend was my cousin who lived several hours away. We would see each other only a few times a year and we couldn't wait! Except she was really, really skinny, and I was a little bit chubby (at least I thought so) and whenever I found out that we would be seeing each other, I would go on a crash diet so that I wouldn't look so fat next to her. Mind you, you can only lose so much weight in a week, but that didn't matter, the panic set in and I had to pray that pounds would miraculously melt off. It would almost ruin the visit. In time, I realized that it didn't matter that she was a stick and I wasn't and I gradually let that issue go. I'm still a bit heavier than I'd like to be but I'm dealing with it; the irony is that my cousin is nearly twice my size, now. And the beauty of it is that it doesn't faze her in the least. Go figure.

I read your blog every day and I just love you!

The first thing I noticed when I looked at that photo was just how happy you seemed to be there. Even if you say it was Uncomfortable Smile #437. You truly looked happy.

I know it's cliche but true beauty comes from within. I have found that being different in any way can make you the object of people's insults. It took many years for me to get over being the tallest and skinniest girl in school when growing up. Kids can be so cruel. I think we all walk around with our own inner demons.

Oh, honey, I know. I really do. All too well. I applaud you for taking this on!

I'm gonna be blunt; tell people who talk about your weight to fuck off. At the end of the day even the skinniest, poptart eating vodka drinking model can and will still be unhappy with her body if she's not happy with herself. Easy to say, hard to put into practice. You're beautiful, smart and funny as hell.

So I've erased a few lines I put here just because nothing seems right to say. This is probably a good thing, though. It was all about how right you are and how I understand. Of course for me, I'm still at the fat girl stage but hope eventually I'll love myself a little more and let go a little more and just BE. Its all work, right? Its good to see that you are learning to love yourself a little more too. Also, I understand how hard it can be to just say, "thank you."

Your words are going to stick with me. No matter how our weight fluctuates, we are who we are.

Thanks, once again for your poignant post.

*shutting up now*

I completely understand how you feel. I hate it when I see people and want to compliment them on how great they look, while at the same time I don't want them to think I thought they were fat. So in the long run, most of the time, I just keep the comment to myself, or focus on their whole being, rather than "Hey, you're skinny now, where'd your butt fat go?" And I guess I'd want people to do that same for me. It's not the size of our bodies that matter, be they skinny or small.

I think you have a great outlook on things, and I appreciate that you shared about it :) It makes me look at things in a different perspective.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing your journey, your fears, your upside and downside.

I totally get the 'being afraid' thing. Unfortunately, I'm still hiding. I seem to go one step forward and two steps back instead of the other way around...

Strumming my pain with her fingers,
Singing my life with her words....

Why does every woman (and many men) on the planet obsess about this topic? Why does it consume our thoughts and our lives and our entire self-concept, when it has NOTHING to do with what kind of person we are? It makes me fucking insane.

I, too, have had dramatic size swings. I, too, loathe the HOW HOW HOW conversations. These days, if someone persists, I say kindly but firmly, "this is one of my least favorite topics IN THE WORLD. Can we find another one?" Honesty works surprisingly well.

Although I really like the "tapeworms" idea...

Thanks for sharing this. I have a lot to think about with this... and your post came at a great time.

Stunning. I'm not even going to read everyone else's words yet, I simply have to tell you again what an amazing writer you are.

Weight. I was refrigerator-shaped for about ten years and then lost the weight; had to do with wanting to live, the pain of remaining the same finally becoming smaller than my fear of 'what if'. What IF I become my 'best' and it isn't good enough? What IF the feelings eclipse my soul. I'd given that magic poundage such power...like a mirage of perfect life. Anyrate, I became smaller and you are right, all those personal questions came flying at me. I eventually just said things like "getting healthy - just like the books say - exercise, water and good food". The boring response wld stop the questions.

I did/do enjoy the benefits e.g., tying my shoelaces without exhaling all my breath, my knees touch when I sleep at night and pulling on my jeans is a more vertical process :) etc.,

The identify of a heavy, naturally overwhelmed, over-eating person has taken a bit longer to join this new life, but it is happening. This life feels so much more authentic, real and vulnerable - the choices aren't as scary anymore.

Thank you for posting the vacation picture - it sheds a whole new light on this journey you've been writing about and my admiration for you is quantified by light years.

hmmm...just thinking...I bet your parents are thrilled to have you for a daughter. I hope their trip to the coast will be fun.

I have only recently discovered your blog, but I have to say Thank You. For the humor, warmth, and honesty of the voice with which you write.

I have found myself deeply identifying with many of the topics and perspectives you share, and it has been a real gift to know that there are probably LOTS of other women out there who've been where I am-- and got past it-- whatever the issue is. And to have the wry humor of my perspective (or situation) pointed out... and to be able to acknowledge that we DO a lot of hiding our true reactions to holidays or to divorces or to body-image comments because we aren't reacting the way we are "supposed to." But that those feelings underneath-- they are normal, too.

You should bottle this post and sell it, every word is wise.

Like most who have commented you have put into words what I have been feeling but had not identified for decades. Thank you.

Another member of the "Laurie-you-rock" fan club! You rock in size 22 Lane Bryant pants and in size 10 pants from wherever...

I've been though all the things you talked about, and I just want to say thanks for expressing it so well for the rest of us!

When I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune problems ten years ago I was depressed and in a lot of pain. I had gained some weight after having 2 babies in 2 years. I lost about 30 pounds in a few months; I was in very bad shape both physically and emotionally. I was appalled how so many people couldn't see how truly awful I was but always commented on how "great" I looked and wondered if they got "sick like me" if they would end up being skinny, too. I was horrified.

Ten years later I gained it all back and then some. Battling age, medications, early menopause and disease have added up to being about 65 pounds overweight. I feel awful about the way I look and usually cover it up with self-depricating humor and wise cracks. I am very lucky that I have an amazing husband who has never ever made my weight an issue. He's always said that he'd rather see me fat and healthy than skinny and sick. He is truly my angel.

Laurie, you are beautiful. When you're as loving and giving and amazing inside it shines brightly through the outside. You shine so bright that you should be designated as an official star in the sky!

Laurie, you rock! You are a wonderful, and also a very brave, writer. (Not to mention hilariously funny --- have I mentioned I'm jealous of all your wonderfully witty, silly posts?) We all keep coming back to your diary not just to be entertained but because you can teach us something really wise about ourselves, and inspire us.

Your feelings about your weight are the same feelings I have about my skin. When I hear people with beautiful skin talk about their little zits I just want to disappear and hide in my home. All these years of bad skin have left scars that get I to face everyday when I look in the mirror. To be able to take pictures of myself have helped me to feel a little less ashamed of my face. Make-up can hide the scars and discoloration but I would like to have the courage to leave the house without it.

Sometimes I wish we were all blind to the physical looks of others. Some are, that is why I enjoy visiting here. Everybody here is usually nice and understanding. Thanks, I need nice.

HUZZAH! Three Cheers for Laurie! Good for you, girl, for posting the post that we all need the most.

Laurie, I just love you. You're the best. I sure wish that I knew you for real. You make me really think about things.

Hey, how's the weather over there? It is UNcharacteristicly (sp?) FREEZING down here in Florida.

Every time I read your blog, I want to go grab my crochet needle and get started, but I don't ever do it. I think maybe today I might...

That scarf you made is absolutely the most beautiful thing ever. I wish I could make stuff like that really fast so I could sell them, you know what I mean? I figured out how to make little purses one time, but it took like two whole days working at a feverish pace just to make one, so needless to say I just made a couple and gave them to my two daughters.

Have you got a book deal yet?

[creaky voice]Wait until you're my age[/creaky voice]. I'm far from the first to remark that when a woman turns 40 or so, even if she is white and thinnish, she becomes invisible -- so 1) you can dress and eat however the hell you want, 2) the ONLY reason to change eating and exercise habits is because YOU want to, for your own self-satisfaction or health or (as in my case) out of mortal fear of having to buy new pants. (Clothing manufacturers of America: why have you completely forgotten how to make skirts with pockets, with pants headed in the same direction, and why do you not seem to understand that a woman's waist and hips are almost never the same size? Why, why, why? but I digress.) I find it quite liberating.

I did sort of vaguely notice in that picture that you didn't look especially overweight, but my main thoughts were "how can a mirror picture have that much panache, and she may not be able to make socks but DAMN that is a beautiful scarf!"

As for responding to weight/diet queries, you could try telling people you have terminal cancer, but that would be mean, wouldn't it? Probably "just healthy living," followed by a rapid change of subject ("let me tell you about the class I want to take" is a good one) would be a better bet, especially at work.

And 'tis true: you do glow.

Laurie! You are soooo my sister! We could be twins, actually, down to the skinny friends, pants and long blond hair. I am 35 as well and just came to the same realizations that you have. But the pictures that did me in were my wedding photos. I was the dreaded "FAT BRIDE" and the funny thing was I knew for a year up until then that I was getting married, but I was in big fat major denial. There is major heartbreak knowing that I didn't have the courage to deal with this before those photos were taken...

I want the same thing as you - I don't want this to be an issue in my life. It is difficult, even for the most brave person, to endure daily judgments from others. I am so unbelievably sensitive, too, that I have built up some effective defense mechanisms to deflect some of it (humor, being a hermit, dressing in black from head to toe), but it still drains the energy from me and ultimately does more harm than good.

My sister-in-law has had long term success with weight loss and she still struggles every day. I know that this will be my issue every day for the rest of my life. I just think that coming to terms with it is the hardest part because it is a big life change.

I think one of the great things is that when we are successful, we will look back on all of the uncomfortable bits and realize that they were necessary, and we learned something about ourselves from it.

But I will NEVER wear those god-dam-awful-ridiculous skinny leg jeans. So, help me gawd!

I love you, Laurie. I truly do. You are so wise.

yes, over the last five years i have lost 60 pounds. and i did it because school was 1 mile from the train station. and i just felt like eating better. sure, i still go up and down five or so pounds, but i'm steady, which i like. of course i want to be a size smaller or whatever. but i do enjoy myself now, as does my fiance. so we must stop beating up on ourselves! but now even when i feel heavy, people will ask if i have lost more weight and i just say thanks and smile.

This topic hit home. I embraced a much healthier lifestyle about ten months ago and have dropped close to fifty pounds and a bunch of sizes. Mostly because I turned around my lifestyle - I run a lot, walk and hike pretty much every day (dog and baby), and took on a yoga and pilates practice. I was motivated by a bad spine injury to get myself in shape. Then I added on the healthier eating and basically created this whole new lifestyle that is way, way more active and where I take the time to really shop and cook for myself and to eat when I am actually hungry. I also eat stuff that supports my newly active lifestyle.

Anyhooo.... I still feel like the same old fat me. Even though, I bought my first pair of six jeans (I am sure the are totally vanity sized)in my entire life (OK, they are super tight) and wear a whole slew of eights these days- only not on top.

Even though I was just selected to do a little before and after success story thing (I am so not after -I still have 15-30 pounds to lose- trust me when I say that I am heavy for my size)on living healthier - I still feel like that LB girl.

Despite feeling fat, I don't beat myself up anymore. I celebrate eating healthy choices and love that I am eating (essentially Dr. Oz foods) in a healthy, guilt-free and fulfilling manner.

I love that my social life is built around hiking, running, yoga and the like. I am, however, acutely uncomfortable talking about this whole weight thing in non-virtual reality. And its definately arising more and more these days.

I just wanted to say I love your blog. You're so much fun! And so talented.

I have a friend who lost 90 pounds on WW after years of being overweight and she said that she actually loved the compliments that people gave her for losing weight and loved to share with others on how they could do it too when they asked. I always felt like people would be hurt if I DIDN'T compliment them on their hard work??? I wanted to double check with her to see what her thoughts were so I asked her before I posted this.

As for people asking how you do it, I think the reason they ask is so that they can learn from you. People are always looking for help and if they see that something works well for someone, they are hoping that you will share with them. And what a great gift you can give!

Just another point of view. I don't think that people are trying to be hurtful, but supportive and encouraging. I can't speak for everybody who asks and compliments, but that's my "motive" anyway. :)

Of course you are totally on target - what's not to love, admire, empathize with, applaud?

But also... you know where you say "we are all so much more than a number"?

Well, fair's fair. Might that not also be equallly true of Cute Dimply Delivery Guy? Maybe you should have given him a chance.

I am pretty new to your blog, but I am really enjoying it already.

You wrote: "I find it weird to talk about the SIZE OF MY BODY with coworkers."

And I could not agree with you more! I have said this so many times. What people talk to me about is how "slim," "thin," "tiny," whatever I am. And it makes me really uncomfortable. I'll be making popcorn in the microwave and someone will say: "Oh, popcorn. Is that how you stay so slim?" And I'll be like: STOP LOOKING AT MY BODY!

I find this kind of scrutiny overly personal and just...creepy.

Anyway, thanks for writing this blog. I think you're a beautiful person.

Well said! "Thanks" is the perfect response.

Now I feel like a sh*t fo rmentioning the "S" word twice in as many days. I read your blog, because you have a uniquely humorous way of looking at the world - you mad eme laugh about commuting for petes sake! Not because of your diet or lack of a diet or eating healthy or any other - don't most of us eat comments.

Oh I also read because of the cats & the horrorscopes! Keepin it real.

Not too many topics conjure up such strong emotion in women as weight. It's a psychological mindbender, and we all have our our own issues with it, no matter what size each of us is. There have been so many times you've helped the rest of us in working through your own struggles. Thank you.

Laurie,

First and foremost: you rock! I lovelovelove your blog + or - knitting content...

And I identify with so many of your weight issues, and am still trying to work to a place where I am not insulating myself (my reasons are too numerous to count!) But what I wanted to add was my quick funny/troubling story about my weight.

My gf and I had moved out of state for a few years and just moved back to the same town my mom lived in. Anyway, while my gf and I were away we both gained weight (her more than me, funny enough). So one day my mom was talking to our mutual hairdresser and explained to her that, basically, my gf liked her girls big and so had purposefully fattened me up! Like she's a feeder or something! I was so angry and offended, but at the same time I still have to laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing...

And my mom is one of those that always says to me "So, you've lost weight, haven't you?", and my answer is always the same: "Huh, I don't know. Maybe. Probably not."

Thank You.

and yes I agree.

Hi Laurie, long time lurker, first time poster :-D

Wonderful Gorgeous Women the world over ponder this stuff - I've done many a course on it over the years, mostly with friends, but even after all these years and all these courses, we / they still COMPARE and JUDGE them /ourselves against everyone else in order to decimate our / their self esteem. I recently found this info, hope it helps: "How to acknowledge weight loss" http://www.naturalstrength.com/nutrition/detail.asp?ArticleID=244
Blessings Gorgeous Sister Woman xx
Cat :-)

You are wise beyond your years and my heart is very full upon reading your post.

melissa- "Fat Bride", me totally, except all I see is the look in my husband's face, he didn't care. I'll lose the weight when I'm ready, and that's good enough for him.

Laurie- I just finished a book that I have to recommend- it's "Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, has anyone read it? This woman takes a year to go to Italy, India, and Indonesia to get over her trainwreck divorce and learn to like herself again. Best quote? "They've got mosquitoes 'round here big enough to rape chickens!"

Wow. Laurie, you really hit the target there. (
The secret eating bit really tagged me. Um...anyone ELSE suddenly realize that sneaking around into the kitchen to get another bite of cookie/ice cream/brownie and eating it before you get back to the TV with your family might just be...um..HIDING SOMETHING??? (um...here's where I smack my forehead and say "Well-DUH!" to myself).

As for the fielding unwanted-but-well-meant questions, it's tough to walk that line between protecting your privacy and the silence-with-crickets conversational smack-down. Humor works best for me. Like "Gnomes!" (brilliant, Carrie!),"I'd tell you- but my thighs might hear you and want the fat back!" or a straight-faced, "My covenant with Satan forbids me to speak of it." (that last one is funniest with an ultra-conservative in the room!). Then if they press, say, "No, seriously, I appreciate your noticing , but I don't want to jinx my success by talking about it." then ask THEM a question. Usually that last bit will get a sympathetic and supportive response without making the well-meaning dork feel like they should just slink into a corner and die.

Laurie, Laurie, Laurie, you always beat me to the punch! I've been planning out my Monday blog post about a few things I have figured out about myself in the last week, that I should have figured out long ago. But yes, I so agree. Why are we treated so differently based on our weight? If that weren't the case, we would probably be much more comfortable in our own skins and would have much better self images. In high School, when I lost all that weight, I still continued to look in the mirror and see the fat girl. Only now, when I look at pictures of myself back then, do I realize how good I looked (other than the bad feathered back hair and braces), but only maturity could make me see that. Then again, to be honest, I'm scared to death of losing weight this time (which I will!) and still seeing the fat person I have been nearly all of my life. It's scary to not KNOW what it feels like to be of normal size and I honestly have no clue.

I guess it all comes down to wanting to feel good about ourselves, no matter what size we are and I think it is going to take a lot of time for me to work through that. But I'm trying. Thanks for being there with me. It's nice to not feel alone.

AMEN! totally hearing and understanding over here in west hills.

Oh, Laurie! You are awesome!

First of all, I think every woman has photos like that - that's why I am always the one with the camera for the last few years.

Love the "tapeworms" come-back, but I also like your comeback about "not trying to eat my emotions." It's honest and it's more accurate than "Oh, I'm on this or that diet." Of course, Susan's "contract with Satan" lie is good too. If they get offended and accuse you of wanting to keep "the secret" all to yourself, yawn and tell them, "It's BORING to talk about weight! Geez! Only Hollywood poseurs talk about weight!"

Or you could be a smart alec and do this:

Obnoxious Coworker: "My! You look fantastic? Have you lost weight?"
You: "No, why, did you find some?"

OK, you probably would never say that. You Southern ladies have more manners than us Yankee brats.

My Frank lost 80 pounds over the course of a year, and he got LOTS of people commenting on it, which didn't make him feel too bad because he's a guy. But he did feel weird when a woman cornered him and made him write down exactly what he did to lose weight.

One other weird food-related observation: when my former Mother-in-law was just getting to know me, she found out I was a good cook, and told my then husband, "Be careful - if you eat too much of her good cooking, you're going to get fat."

Now, I LIKED my MIL, and my ex- remained 150 pounds the entire 12 years we were married.

So now I'm getting married to Frank and what does his delightful aunt say to him? "You're going to get fat on her good cooking!"

Grrrrrrrrrrr! Not likely, since he helps me decide what to cook and we both want to lose weight!

But what IS that about people???? Sheesh! You'd think they'd be glad their male relative has someone who knows how to boil water!

I am 38 and still stunned by the chubby girl in the photos. That isn't me. Not the me I see in my head. Good for you, loving it all and being comfortable with it. I wish I could just do that.

"I'm happy to finally accept my body at any size"

Bingo.

I'm finally there, too. It's a nice place, I wish more women would visit.

And thank you for writing such a wonderfully witty, heart-felt, honest and open blog. :)

Oh Laurie,
Big hug to you! How did you loose all that weight?
I am DOWN to an 18 right now.....I used to be a 5-7 for most of my life.
Its up to you what size you wanna be but personally I like your size. I mean super skinny waif look is GROSS! You are so right about the motivation thing. When my husband died and I had to move home to moms house with my 3 children she actually said "You know you will never get a husband unless you take better care of yourself. Men like skinny women" It crushed me. I know my mom well enough to know she meant it as constructive critisism but it hurt. The funny thing (funny strange) was that a few months later at the same size I meant a marvelous man who didnt seem to care about anything but who I was inside. January 26th we celebrated 5 years of marriage. I am still large wishing to be small but...it doesn't define who I am.

You know what? I love you. I know how you feel. Very Much So. I had lost about 30lbs and it took me months of being at that size before I would post pictures of myself, much less older pics of me. What would bother me is when people would tell me I wasn't fat. I knew I was fat, and them saying that I wasn't didn't change anything. It didn't help, if anything it made things worse. I finally had to become comfortable with who I was at that weight before I was able to change it. I still have along way to go, both weight wise and confidence wise. You aren't alone, and you aren't doing this alone. Keep it up, and remember, you are doing this for you, not anyone else.

Go on with your bad self. That's all I have to say. Yup, it may be corny, but it is definitely applicable. Love your blog.

I think the mental part of weight loss is almost more difficult than the physical. It's hard to convince your brain that you're not big anymore. Also, with other people commenting on it, it does become such a focus that you wonder "was I really that BIG"?? But good for you for doing something about it when you felt bad. Here's the link to my former weight loss blog http://shrinkslowly.blogspot.com

Hi Aunt Purl! Finally coming out of the shadows to say hello!

Your thread on weight loss sounds so much like me that it's thrown me out of the complacency of lurkdom into the bright lights. You see, I am a veteran of the same struggles you recount now.

One of the things that I learned during my weight loss and that you are clearly grappling with is that despite all protests to the contrary, you don't stay the same. The world treats you differently, but you treat you -and the world - differently in return. As I lost weight, I also lost a lot of my anger and gained a lot of both love and friends to replace it.

That was the scariest part of my weight journey... accepting that a lot of the basic premises of my life were completely off base. I was wrong about how the world works. Once I started relaxing and just accepting the changes instead of being so uncomfortable about them (and trust me, I KNOW what you are contending with right now because I hated discussing my weight too), the weight part of the process became less daunting although the emotional impact of losing weight was harder than I ever imagined it could be. But if I never speak here again, know that for every pound I lost; for every emotional assult I endured; it was worth it in the end. I have more friends now than I know what to do with, and I have a love interest for the very first time in all of my 50 years.

Ok, now you've done it. You've asked me how much I've lost. Let's leave it at well over 200 pounds. If you're really curious, since you confessed that you're a cable weight-loss junkie in a prior post, you may have seen me on Walgreen's Health Corner on Lifetime last month. What I said there stands. This has been the toughest journey I have ever made because it ended up being way more than just weight. But it transformed my life and is definately worth every struggle I endured and continue to deal with.

Fight on, sister. You haven't quite accepted it yet, but you really are doing this for you, not them. I can tell in every post you put on line.

I will join the chorus of commenters who say "You Rock!" - how many hundreds of us (and thousands of lurkers) love you no matter what number is on the tag of your pants! Keep concentrating on "being healthy", mind and body.

I've just gone through my own traumatic experience. My life was spinning out of control, and I was desperately looking for something, anything, to help me before my mind went spinning out of control, too. I was at the library and found a book called "It's a Meaningful Life - It Just Takes Practice" by Bo Lozoff. Well, five hours and 267 pages later I had read it cover to cover and found that really, I already had tools right inside me to battle the chaos. He calls it "spiritual practice: the point of [which] is not to escape pressures or get our minds off our problems... [but] to strengthen our presence of mind right here and now... [to] help us handle what Zorba the Greek called 'the full catastrophe' - anything that comes our way in the rip-roaring roller coaster of life". And that is what I was looking for: calmness, equanimity, a way to quiet my mind so I could feel strong, courageous, and know that I could get through this - or anything.

I just thought I'd suggest the book since it helped me so much.

Once again, you've spoken for so many of us. Whatever your weight, you are a rockstar. Truly. And I hope you'll post your pictures of Paris, because we'd love to see them.

I do agree!! I'm am in the same boat as you and I really understand where you are coming from. Thanks so much for sharing the same thoughts I know alot of women have.

When I first tried internet dating, I would often describe my body as "I am very happy with my body." Many friends who looked at my comment and reacted strangely. They didn't want me to say that in my ad. Personally, I think it's a comment that should describe more women.

It took me so long to be happy with my body, I spent years in middle and high school agonizing over my body and not eating, so I could just get a little bit thinner. And then, after college, I saw some photos of me in high school. I finally saw how pretty I was that whole time and never knew it. I realized that in 20 years I would look back at myself and think how pretty I was now. And that was when I decided I should be happy with myself in the present, not 20 years later after the fact. After the fact happiness combined with self-hate in the present wasn't going to make me happy at all.

So, now I'm happy with me. I like being happy with me, and knowing that when, in 20 yeas, I look back at my photos taken now, I'll know I was happy with me back then too.

It's still hard to be happy with me all the time, but I keep reminding myself, "I'm only going to get more wrinkles, so really, why not love the few I've got now, for just being a few."

It seems like you've been finding your happiness. I'm really glad. Maybe we can help others find theirs, rather than forgetting ours.

Learning how to accept compliments is actually very hard to do for a lot of people for a variety of reasons. I believe it's hard for people who've been brought up to want the best for themselves, while at the same time, not brag about themselves. So that just makes you the result of good parenting!! Yay Mom and Dad!!

laurie, i don't know if you have a scale, but the best thing i ever did was throw mine away. i used to check my weight constantly and if i gained even a pound i would feel angry and sick. then one day i thought, "why am i doing this to myself?" it's been five years since i've known my weight. i even refuse to weigh in at the doctors.( i always get a weird look from the nurse) i know by how i look and feel if i need to lay off the donuts. i would recommend this to everyone.

Laurie,

Thanks for another eye/brain opening post. My "diet"...don't eat crap.

S. in Alaska where it's a scorching hot 20F.

Oh yeah! I agree. I'm a plus size girl and when I started my blog I decided to post pictures of myself, big as I am, and never, NEVER, apologize for my size or shape.

I am also trying to be healthier. I'm proud to say I reached my baby-steps goal last week, which was to get to the gym three times, instead of two. I've decided to extend that little goal to the rest of February. I aim to make it a habit.

Getting healthy is hard work, just realize most comments are made in kindness and keep your eye on whatever goals you have. Each day we conquer an addiction is a plus for our body and our life.
You are a beautiful soul - packaging can change.

Amy hit the nail on the head for me when she said, "Isn't funny the vision you have of yourself looking out and what you "see" when you look in the mirror doesn't match what the camera captures?"

That's me. The body and face I see in the mirror is a different one than people see, when they see me in person. For pretty much my whole grown up life. I've never been a thin adult. From the time I hit puberty I have just been getting bigger every year. Sometimes, no matter what I seem to be eating, not eating, how much excercise I do, etc. (but I'm working on what I *think* is the solution, I just won't bore you with the details).

I don't like what the camera shows, but I think my problem stems from being a bit "too comfortable" in my skin, pretty much the opposite of what most women feel about their bodies.

Many commenters point out a question as to why women's body size is constantly such an issue of discussion? It's because of all the negative connotations that being 'larger' means you lack control of yourself, or of your eating, or that you are less of a person, dumber or less intelligent. Fat people are (it seems) an invisible enemy that people avoid like a disease.

Even though I've always been overweight, seems the last year or so I've noticed more instances when I'm out with people or at group function,s that I go unnoticed, ignored and sometimes even experienced people going out of their way to avoid being around me or talking to me, and for the simple fact that I'm a fatty. I have always had thin, gorgeous friends who when I'm with, do the same things that your friends did in Paris. I tune it out. Sometimes it seems that some people I know, do this almost on purpose (NOTE: not friends, but coworkers or group members), as though they are making me feel bad. I'm bigger than that and could care less about those shallow idiots!

I'm also very aware of the stares and even come-on's, pickup lines, etc. that my thinner chums experience when I'm out and about with them, while I go totally unnoticed and practically ignored. I'm sure it's very annoying for them, but I wouldn't know because it doesn't happen to me, for the most part. I couldn't stop traffic if I laid down in the street.

But enough about me.

YOU are a beautiful lady, inside and out and you *will* get through this! Kudos to you on not only recognizing & accepting your issues and nipping them in the bud, but also on top of it all, having the courage to share how you feel about it! Hot damn, good for you, chick!

Yes Laurie, I agree completely. You are one of the most interesting people I've * never* met and you have a lot more to say and talk about than the size of your thighs, or mine for that matter! That's what I enjoy about the internet: the concept that you can get to know someone not for their physicality, but for who they might be as a person on the inside. And when you posted that picture of yourself in Paris, my first thought was, "She has the nicest smile."

Auntie Purl is wise. Oprah of the blogosphere.

At the risk of sounding like a crazy stalker - I read your blog all the time and I think you are great. I really admire you for taking some negative things that have happened to you and turning them into a chance to learn about yourself. Good for you, girl. You may not think so, but you really know who you are. And you are proud of it.

Laurie- I’m so happy for you that you see how important it is to take care of yourself! The numbers on a scale and a pair of jeans mean nothing when compared to a healthy heart, mind, and soul. When the core of what makes you is whole, you will radiate with some powerful juju like a beacon of light, chicky poo! That beacon will draw all levels of goodness to you (and yes, the occasional weird guy on the bus, but oh well, such is life)!

When people pay you a compliment, I agree with your friend to simply say, "Thank you." It all depends on your perspective- if someone pays you a sincere compliment, think about what else is behind those words: the intention to make you smile, to give you encouragement, to show support, to be happy for you. Since we don’t wear signs showing our HDL and LDL levels and blood pressure, your appearance is really one of the few things a person sees. Personality is what counts, but since you’re obviously funny, kind, and cool, people you run into won’t comment on what has always remained constant in you. Ha- which would you prefer: "Wow- you look great! Did you lose weight?" or "Wow- you’re not a bitch anymore. Did you have a near-death experience?"

I think sometimes people want details on your weight loss because they are looking for answers for themselves. Chances are they aren’t happy with how they look either (no matter what their weight is). In this case, their compliment is a little sad since they have yet to adopt a healthy attitude towards their bodies and the fuel they put in it.

You’ll find healthy ways to deal your emotions and your anxiety- look at how far you’ve come! You have a wicked and sick sense of humor- that alone gives you an advantage! Your sense of humor (and your cats) are what caught my attention when I found your blog in December. I came for the knitting, but I stayed for the twisted mind that is Laurie! Keep on truckin’ sistah!

I also get the "OMG, You've lost weight" from certain people EVERY time I see them. Sometimes I say no, I haven't lost weight, but I appreciate their dellusional thinking. Sometimes I say thank you, you're very kind. But, my all time favorite response was, at the time, the truth since I had gone through a particularly icky heartbreak, which no one ever wants to hear: "I stopped eating."

You've gone from a 22 in that pic to an 18 in your more recent pic, you're doing good. Be proud of yourself...all of us in cyberspace are!

You are a fantastic writer! More than a wordsmith, you are willing to be so totally yourself in your posts. Thank you for that.

It may not seem like it, but not everyone sees weight, and not everyone considers other people's weight to be their business. The people who comment on your weight loss are probably fixated on their own issues; they're thinking of themselves when they're asking about you. But there must be people in your life who are saying nothing. Think of them, and know that your size is not important to them. (I looked at that picture of you with your friends and scrutinized all your hairstyles -- that's MY issue.)

Also, gnomes, tapeworms, and sparkly red shoes are great retorts. When someone asks me a Really Inappropriate Question, I look in their eyes, pause, and say, "Pardon Me?" Usually they realize it's not something they should have said, let alone repeat; others require a few "Pardon Me?"'s to finally get the picture: I can't believe you asked it, and no, I'm not going to answer.

It has been said, but you do rock. Keep on writing!

I agree and they will stop talking about your weight and how you lost it after a while.

When I go back to my Maker, I hope to be remembered as someone who was kind and fun to be with-- a good daughter, mom, granny and friend. Not whether I was at my "perfect" weight or up a few pounds.

Oof. Since I blog about dancing, not posting pictures of myself is not an option. But sometimes I feel just awful looking at them. And the worst part is that I know that I look way lumpier in photos than I do in person. No matter what I'm doing, the picture always gets taken at the most unflattering moment possible. So I end up looking at these pictures and fighting with myself about whether or not I *really* look that bad.

Worse than people asking you about your 50-pound weight loss---much worse---is their NOT asking you about it. It means, to my mind, that not only were you invisible then, you're invisible still.

Like everyone else commenting, I'd like to say thank you so much for saying what's on your mind (and on a lot of other people's minds from the look of things). I've been a big gal from a very young age, and the overwhelming societal emphasis on body image has always struck me as utterly pointless given that no one aspect truly defines a person. My whole existence isn't bound up by the fact I'm really white with scads of freckles or that I can't whistle a note or that I'm from the South with the accent to prove it. I refuse to be just a number on a scratchy tag and I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who've gotten to know me as a human with depth, ability, and character.

When I saw your vacation picture, I automatically noticed your smile (and the squinchy eyes of a big, cheesy grin--too cute by far). Of the four, you're the only one that seems to be half-way enjoying yourself. No matter how thin the woman on the far left is, that grumpy look is what stands out to this casual observer.

Being happy, healthy, and well-adjusted is what growing as a person is mostly, if not totally, about and I'm glad when more people see it takes a long process of changing the negative thoughts/habits for more positive ones but it's worth the effort. Thank you for speaking frankly and encouraging us all with these snapshots of your life.

Yes, we agree, you are wise beyond your years, and really when people are being rude with the questions, it is just best to say "thanks" and change the subject. Any one who doesn't get their faux pas at this point is not the kind of people we should be hanging out with any way. *sniff*

Very eloquently and bravely put. And I can so thoroughly relate. In my past I had a dramatic weight loss after an extended period of just eating better and moving more, and had to endure the humiliating awkwardness of the up-down body eye-balling that pauses at the hip area, while they ask the intrusive questions. Never did figure out how to handle that.

Clue us in when you figure out what to do with the once-overs and the questions, and most especially the emotions, because that's a secret for the ages....

Thanks again for livin' out loud.

I like Big Butts and I cannot Lie!!!

Do you think Rubens painted those ladies cuz they were ugly - I don't think so.

The only good reason to lose weight is to be healthier but remember ladies - healthy does not = skinny (ask Dr. Weil.) Personally - if the whole world looked like a Cosmo mag I'd want to take m'self out! A beautiful woman loves herself period and it shows (just ask Dimples.) There's something wrong with this pretentious culture we live in (esp. southern Cal. from what I understand.)I personally have never looked so ridiculous as I did at my skinnyest - head on legs with a giant nose - some of us need a little chubby to feel beautiful. Be healthy, be happy and strut that weight if ya have it. That's it- back to the cab.

Laurie, I think you're awesome and always beautiful, regardless of size, and I want you to know that you've inspired me to undiet, too (thats what I'm telling myself... I'm not dieting, almost nothing is forbidden, I am just choosing to take better care of myself). Someone actually told me today "wow, you're not chubby anymore!" and I almost cried! Whats working for me is stuff incentive, like I bought myself a klean canteen to get myself to drink more water, and I bought myself a gym bag to get me to go to the gym... not the most responsible method, I know, but it's working for me... that, and I'm keeping a food and activity journal, nothing I'll let anyone else lay they're hands on, but it forces me to be accountable to myself... Enough about weight, though! I wish you could see yourself they way we, your loyal readers, see you. If you could, I'm sure you'd never feel bad about yourself again.

Sometimes the best judge of where we are is to let friends tell us. I have had to learn to take them at word value. After many months of berating myself and not "seeing" the results, a doctor finally told me that no matter how much weight I lost, I would still see myself at my heaviest. Therefore, I had to learn to take my most trusted friends words. If they said I looked fine, then fine it was. My eyes are warped when I look at myself.

A lot of friends have this habit of checking out about weight/thinness when we meet again after sometime. It irks me - why are they so shallow? Being thin/fat is not an indicator of cool.

The best approach would be to love yourself and motivate yourself to be healthy and happy. :)

Yes. I know exactly what you mean about certain comments sending making me want to run for the cookies. Why do some of us feel compelled to treat ourselves in a way we would never dream of doing to a friend or family member?

You know what's worse than hiding photos of yourself? When you realize your parents and grandparents have photos of everybody on their walls and shelves, except for you. Because your fat embarrasses them and/or they don't want to look at photos of you as a fat adult. Oh they do have some photos of me, from when I was a skinny child. But look, there are numerous photos of my brothers and their thin wives... sigh.

I've lost 40 pounds in the last 6 months but I have a LONG way to go. I'll know I've "made it" when my mom puts my photo in a frame. :\ This makes me really sad, but the truth is... I don't want them showing photos of the current me either, so I don't make a fuss about it. I hate this.

you've hit the nail on the head again - it's all about a mental change and doing it for YOU rather than for anyone else - getting healthier that is, and if you drop a few dress sizes at the same time, well then that's all well & good.

I hate pictures of me - the irony being that when I was skinny I thought I was fat and hated pictures of me then too. Then I realised there's about 10 years of my life where it looks like I'm absent as I'm not in any photos (I always offered to take them), so made a decision to stop dodging the camera, and now just dodge looking at the resulting photo - I'll get over that eventually too.

Let's face it, none of us will ever be exactly the same shape/size we were aged 18 - but with any luck we won't have the body issues/neediness/self-harming/insert-problem-here we had back then too.
I love your blog!

fat = invisible

I know.

WOW...was Paris almost a year ago?? Have I been stalk....er...reading you THAT long???
wow

I wonder if that guy has forgotten how you attacked him??? (I'm from L.A.!!!) hahahahahaa

That is such an insightful post. I also struggle with similar issues and when my skinny friends go on about how fat they are I just want to tell them to shut up already. Hug xx

I admit it I noticed something but I wasn't sure if you lost weight. I didn't want to say anything for the reasons you posted. (Also, I admit it was kind of a selfish thing, because yours truly is wearing the fat jeans post-baby and I loathe talking about dieting right now.)

Faith is indeed wise: say thanks, enjoy the compliment and turn the conversation back to them and non-diet related topics... Which, in this town, is tough as it's almost as common as chatting about traffic.

Evan sends a big drooly kiss!

YOu are so right - people are more than just a dress size. As a UK 18 ( and 5ft tall) I can relate to everything you have said about weight. I am seriously worried about the perception of young girls these days that you have to be thin, really thin. I work in the education sector and it frightening the number of girls that we are seeing with eating disorders. I know these aren't only brought on by the dieting culture, but it is the thin end of the wedge.

I am so not talking about weight.

I just wanted to mention that I have spent the last 3 days reading every post in your blog. [I have Drew to 'thank' for this.]

And what I want to say is this:

You have grown. [Not weight. I'm not talking about that.]

You have branched out.

You have reached out.

You are learning things about yourself.

There are people who love you.

There are people that YOU make laugh. Who NEED that laughter. [Maybe that's me. I'm just saying. Heh.]

Taking pictures of your divorce papers 'out having a day' was pure genius. Really. Absolutely hysterical and there is now cola all over my keyboard.

I have four cats. I understand perfectly. My evil cat also has many names. Catzilla is his main one. You do the math.

I LOVE pictures.

Not a knitter here, a crocheter. But we are 'fiber artists'. You can talk hats, I'll talk doilies.

And you are spectacular. Remember that.

Chin up, and pour me some of that wine...

I will say, the first thing I thought was not about your weight (although I was terribly impressed with the openness (is that even a word?) you had in talking about something painful to you. )

(yes, I write with parentheses in parentheses. I'm bad that way. Oh God, I'm doing it again!)

I have always thought about how honest and dare I say funny you were on a blog that is so viewable to so many people. I find it both enlightening and amazing!

I will say, the first thing I thought was not about your weight (although I was terribly impressed with the openness (is that even a word?) you had in talking about something painful to you. )

(yes, I write with parentheses in parentheses. I'm bad that way. Oh God, I'm doing it again!)

I have always thought about how honest and dare I say funny you were on a blog that is so viewable to so many people. I find it both enlightening and amazing!

girl, i hate it that in our society that we comment only on weight loss!!!

i myself am a yoyo girl. i go up and down 20-40 pounds every year or so. i want people to just shut the fuck up and say something that matters.

sigh.

i'm planning my first trip to Paris in June. any tips for swampgrrl?

I feel a little similar when someone comments about how good I look lately.

I've been a big girl for awhile (250) and only recently started to lose weight. (down to 229) Altho, the reason why I've started to lose weight isnt because I'm dieting...I just got diagnosed with an incurable neurological disease. It took the entire fall to get diagnosed and during that time I was a bit...stressed out.

So, I'm pretty sure I finally started losing weight because of the stress of all my health problems.

What pisses me off is that when I tell someone that I have (neurological condition) they look at me like I've sprouted 10 heads and say "are you sure? You look SOOOO GOOOOOOD!"

It makes me want to borrow my mom's walker and beat them to death with it. Yes, I might not look sick on the outside, but inside, I'm numb, in pain, and my body keeps twitching and wont let me sleep...and we wont go into the potty issues.

It was annoying before that diagnosis to have people tell me that I need to lose weight, and now it's annoying that they're complimenting me on finally losing weight.

I wasnt worried before about losing weight, but I am now. I was happy the way I was before I developed (neurological condition). I'd rather be my chunky self and not sick, than be my newly lighter self and numb and twitching all the time.

My size never bothered me before, except when people brought it up. I was always polite and never pointed out how rude they are to be commenting on things that arent their business.

I wish you luck in everything.

I agree that at any size you are beautiful. Inside and out!

I agree 100%. I find I do better when I stop obsessing about a scale number, eat healthy and work out moderately. That way, I can enjoy my life and not worry about a number.

I'm never going to be a size 4 again, but I'll never have an eating disorder again, either - so I'm happy with that.

Faith's right - just say "thanks" and move on, and if they want details, just tell them you've been on the 'look at gross photos on the internet first thing in the morning so you lose your appetite for the rest of the day' diet.

I love everything about your post. But the thing I like best is your courage to even do it. I always wanted to be a writer, never had the courage, last week I was in the middle of a binge, I threw away the bologna sandwich and sat down with a pencil and paper and let the story that always wanted to come out of me get written. All I kept thinking was that if you had the courage to write to the whole world, I could find the courage to write to a blank page.
I love that people comment and tell you that you are a great writer, I hope that if I stop eating and keep writing someday someone will say the same about me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Just wanted to say thank you for this!

Amen

I lost about 40lbs since June last year and I could swear my coworkers almost hate me for it. All I did was eat less but it really seems to bother them that I did. They still ask me about it constantly, like they're waiting for me to be 'like them' again. Like I did it on purpose to punish them and I'll get my comeuppance by regaining everything and more.

It's nobody's beeswax how we choose to be healthier.

I read your blog all the time and I think you're a great writer. On to the weight subject, I've been struggling with my weight for the past 10 years. In the last two years or so, I dropped about 50 lbs. Everyone always comments on how good I look now. Guys check me out, which didn't happen before. It's very frustrating. Add to that my best friend who is a size 4 and eats whatever she likes. I'm not the least bit jealous of her, but damn, I wish I could do that.

Anyway, there is this saying I've been following for the last few years that has helped me tremendously. I read it in a book somewhere and I absolutely love it. "You can never control the actions of others, but you could always control your reaction to their actions." I'm not sure if this is the exact quote, but it works. I don't let what others say or do to me have control over me.

So if people are making comments that make you feel uncomfortable, remember that they probably mean the best and would never want to make you feel bad. Some people are insensitive, but they are probably not happy people. The point is you could never control others, only yourself. I hope this helps you out!!

I've been thin and I've been fat. I'm the same person. Thanks for the words; you helped focused me today.

First off--your blog is amazing.
Second--Faith is wise indeed. I've always been reluctant to congratulate someone on weight loss and you've just gone and confirmed it for me. It's really not worth talking about. There are so many more interesting things. Thank you.

CAP, you are amazing. I am a woman who grew up in the USA so, of course, I have also lived with these issues. A couple of things:

When "You've lost weight!" makes you feel bad, remember it's partly because YOU are making a value judgment. When people say "Wow, you're blond now" you wouldn't assume that they thought you looked horrible as a brunette. (I'm not as naturally blessed in the blond dept as you are!)

Also, I agree with the other poster who said that the commments are a reflection of how those people feel about themselves and their own insecurities.

I have struggled with a few extra pounds all my life. In my twenties I dieted down to an unhealthy 9% body fat. I was still unhappy and none of those features of the magical thin life I was anticipating materialized. It was eye opening to discover that I was still the same person thin as I had been fatter. I've been working on loving myself ever since.

Now I'm 45 and I feel pretty good in my skin. I am very active and eat LOTS of fruits and vegetables. As you age, the focus naturally shifts to "healthy", and it's a good thing because you can feel healthier after one day of heathy eating and movement. No more putting life off until you wiegh "x" pounds!

Can I just say I am constantly amazed at how RUDE people can be? Not to mention how obsessed we are with others' looks? I always felt that if one felt the need to compliment a friend on their improved looks, no matter what you thought the source was, you say, "wow, you look great!" Maybe that's not really good either, but we try. Anyway, if you think that's rude, here's a little story: I am now, at 45, the mother of 5. Now, wait, was your first thought, "this woman does not know how to practice birth control?" And if you did think that, I would bet that you would NOT be rude enough to say so. There are 8 years between my 3rd child and my 4th, and when I was pregnant with him, you would be amazed(maybe not), at how many people ACTUALLY SAID, "gee, was that an 'accident'? Heh, heh." Try to come up with a cute response to that! What's interesting is that by the time I was having my 5th child, 4 years later, we had moved from the big city to a small town, and I only got maybe one or two comments here. People more respectful of one's privacy, I guess.
Think about it: we all have agreed it's rude to comment on another's weight, but how about having the nerve to comment on their sex life/birth control choices?! WOW!

Definitely a weighty issue. heh. Maybe we need to divide ourselves into weight classes for discussion. I'm joking of course, but only sort of.

Through most of my adult life, I was a size 4 or 6, maintained with routine exercise and no dieting.

In the past five years I have gained 25 pounds and gone up two pants and two bra sizes. I know I'm not technically overweight, but I do hate that my stomach looks like an ass stuck on my front. I hate that I can no longer wear clothes in the style I like and that despite walking 20 miles a week through the spring and summer, I lost only 5 pounds, then found them again by Christmas, along with several of their friends. (While still exercising regularly).

I have come to accept it all as part of growing old (I'm 48), but it would be nice if I could share this part of my aging foibles with friends, but I can't. Someone will be offended. Someone will turn with a friendly sneer and say something like, "I wish I had your problems." or "Finally, you get to feel a little of what I've been going through my whole life." And then I feel ashamed for my insensitive vanity or for being such an ingrate in response to my years of skinny blessings.

It's kind of like talking about going through a rough patch and having someone say "Well, there are people with worse problems."

A taboo subject amongst friends with whom I usually feel so connected and revived, makes me feel sad, and lonely.

I'm not looking for any answers here, or permission, or absolution. I guess I'm agreeing with the observations that this is a topic fraught with pain and anger and insecurities, from all stops on the spectrum.

I've been up and down over the years, and my experience is that people really do treat me differently when my weight is down. It angers me.
I wonder why I'm included in things when I'm thin and not when I'm fat. It's like discriminating based upon skin color. The same stupid thing.

Things said to me in the past month while at work:

"I was just talking about you yesterday and you've been disappearing. I was all 'where did Heather go?' you look good"

"You're looking mighty svelte there Miss Barmore"

"Have you lost weight? You look like you've lost quite a bit of weight"

And lord knows that I know they mean well, but still...It's like hearing repeatedly that I've looked like shit for the past year or so and now I finally look 'alright'

(Forgive that my blog is EMPTY. I'm changing stuff over after a lifechanging event... yeah, it's just as shitty as it sounds.)

I just wanted to say THANK YOU, Laurie. I have always been one of those skinny people. Unfortunately my brain does not understand this and I have just, at age 27, managed to kick my eating disorder really hard in the ass and am eating as a normal person for the first time since, well, ever. And I hatehatehate these weight related questions and well. Thank you.

RE: Paris photo. I do not see an uncomfortable smile on Laurie. I do see a one-size-fits-all radiance that is so much brighter than anyone around her. Not insulting your friends, just saying that you outshine them.

Regarding the Paris-photo situation: here is what happened. A group of women have drinks. NO matter how thin or not-thin women are, there is instantaneous subconscious calorie-guilt. EEK! DRINKS! CALORIES!

The women who are thin, because of the culture we are raised in and not because they are bad people, automatically start saying, "oh-my-gawd-this-beer-is-fattening-look-how-big-my-thighs-are" so that other women will, also automatically, say soothing things like "oh-they-are-not-big-I-wish-I-was-as-skinny-as-you."

Few women ever have the courage to change the subject when this automatic cycle of compliments and self-deprecation kicks in, and I thank you for doing that.

I am one of those people who is halfway between "fat" and "thin." I'm 5'8" -- so I have to go over 150 pounds before thighs or my tummy start to poke out. I am what people used to call "stocky." I am about 20 pounds heavier than I'd like to be right now, mainly because 130-ish is the weight I feel best at when I am eating right and excercising. Of course, the fact that I am eating right and exercising is the part that feels good, but I tell myself that 130ish is my "best weight" anyway.

This is what I find interesting: when I was "thin" (130-sih or under) people MY OWN SIZE would say "oh-I-wish-I-was-as-thin-as-you." When I pointed out that they were indeed as thin as me, they would say "oh-I-am-not." Etc.

When I was much younger, I was in a car wreck and broke my jaw. My jaw was wired shut. I had to put every nutrient through a blender. It was awful. I dropped 40 pounds in 8 weeks. I LOOKED TERRIBLE. I was pale, and tired all the time, and I looked like a skeleton with skin. At the time there was a huge famine going on -- the famine that spurred the "We Are the World" song --and honey, if you had wrapped me in burlap and handed me an empty bowl, cued the swarming flies and trained a camera on me, you could have raised MILLIONS for Ethiopia.

And you would not believe how many women told me "you look fantastic." One woman asked me, "Would your doctor wire my jaw shut?" She was my size.

Interestingly, my husband-then-boyfriend thought I looked awful, and was worried about my health, and was encouraging me to drink more milk, etc.

Interestingly, men in general averted their eyes when they saw me, and looked anxious, probably thinking, "that poor woman has cancer!"

Sorry, I'm rambling, but my point is that our culture provides women with a horrifically skewed body image. I don't think any of us know what we really look like. I think the internal lens we turn on oursleves is like a warped and out-of-focus fun-house mirror because of this, and as a result, simply striving for a goal of good health and not a number on a scale or a dress tag is almost impossible for most women. It's a sad commentary on our culture.

But it's why people like you, Laurie, who can FOCUS that lens, shine through so brightly.

Thanks for such a great post.

Thanks for posting the picture. I actually thought you were the cutie dark-haired thing at the top of the blog! Ha! Now I see you're a cutie blonde. Be healthy. Everything else is gravy!

Laurie,
I know the feeling. I am working on cutting my
portion sizes down, drinking water- and well being miserable.
Then i think I found something. Instead of saying to myself - I can ONLY eat this much - I tell myself I HAVE to eat this much to stay healthy. Amazing feeling this gives me. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything.
Keep the good work up - I am not trying to look like a model, but to be at the weight that my joints don't hurt.

You are a vibrant, smart, witty, fun woman. Our society is so flawed that somehow that is not enough and even a woman as delightful as you can be derailed into the abyss of insecurity because of something as insubstantial as her weight. Studies have shown that women who are overweight are less likely to get jobs or promotions as their thinner counterparts (the same goes for shorter men). I have been smart and I have been pretty. As much as I hate it, in the society in which we live, pretty gets you farther.

Laurie, You. Totally. Rock. Sometimes I could hug you til you hollered for mercy--you're just that much of a sweetheart. Yup, you totally stand out in that Paris photo but not for the reason you think--its because that $1 million smile of yours dominates everything else in the picture.

Hang in there girl and keep saying the things the rest of us are thinking but are too inarticulate or bashful to put out there. You totally rock. Oh wait, I already said that, didn't I...

when I read that you recently posted a full lenght picture of yourself, I was wondering if I had missed a post. I clicked on the link and saw the picture. I hadn't missed a post, I remember that picture, but I was checking out the scarf and that huge pom-pom.

Hi, Laurie!
I'm a Florida girl, myself, and I can really identify with you. I know I'm a little late to your blog, but I've been catching up today (at work), and I really feel what you're going through, especially with the divorce. The difference is, I'm still married, but I FEEL like the divorce is imminent. I love him, but he's a jerk, and it seems like he's doing everything to distance himself from me without the actual legal action. I'm not a glutton for punishment, and just keeping a straight home is keeping me sane. That, plus the knitting, the two cats, and my family and wonderful friends.
Last night, I asked him if he loves me, if he really wants to be married (he seems happier acting like a slobby, responsibility-free bachelor) and this morning I woke up to an asshole. I tell you, I don't know why I'm here. I feel like I'm doing that terrible thing you do with boyfriends, right before you break up, where you put up a wall, and get silent and unresponsive, and most of the time he repulses you...I know the other shoe will drop, I'm just waiting for the moment.
Reading your horoscope really put it into perspective for me. I'm a Capricorn. There's already so much change I've gone through this year. I know more is to come. But April is so far away, and I must make lists! Must plan! I'm really trying to lose weight-the good eating habits are there, I'm just a lazy bum about exercising. I've started with the Ipod walking, 30 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week. I already feel better.
I see two big changes in my life this year: First, I'm going to do it. Get my ass back into gear and get my energy back. Start liking myself again. I swear, I don't realize that I'm so big (size 14-16 now, when I was a 8-10 at my healthiest, younger, what-the-hell-is-exercise-ill-never-be-fat self) until I try on certain clothes or see myself naked. Ugh. But I don't sweat it. I know I'm fabulous.
Which brings me to:
Second, I do know I'm fabulous. I have a plan. I feel mournful for a relationship that is technically still alive (are we married? Are we roommates? Am I a maid? I can't live in a pigsty, so I tell myself I clean for me (and feel bitter whilst I do it), but if I left it to him, the house would be condemned)but really feels like my marriage is flailing. He knows how I feel. I used to cry, to beg, to threaten, but now I know that I'll be okay.
As I told my mother, I feel content knowing I was the best wife I could be, and my conscience is clear. I was willing, and am still willing to do (almost) whatever it takes. I can't control his actions.
My mother told me that I would know when enough is enough, and I'll know what to do.
My father, bless his heart, made me cry when he told me I should leave.
I wish my husband could be half the man my father was.
Yes, a change is coming. I really can't wait.
You're awesome, Laurie. Keep going.

I meant, "I wish my husband could be half the man my father IS". Whew. Can't make that mistake.

I'm near to tears reading this. When you discussed your weight, part of me, to be very honest, couldn't see what you were worried about because you have always looked to me to be beautiful. I have always had issues posting pics of myself on my blog because I despise the way I look and yet I continue to do so because if I don't post pictures, I can't be honest with myself about how I look. If I tell the world, there is no hiding how overweight I am. And yet I look at myself everyday and see the same person and knowingly see someone who weighs more than they should, and way more at that, and have difficulty seeing that person the way anyone else would.

I'm not sure what the point of that was, but firstly, you are clearly not alone. And secondly, you are stronger than you realise for actually discussing this. You could have sat back and just ignored all the people commenting and left them to it, thinking 'I know better than you'.

And yeah, why should it be that it is ok for other people to comment on your weight regardless of whether the change is for the better or worse? A member of my family is the worst person for doing this (it doesn't seem to matter about whether I'm healthy or ill, happy or sad, just how fat I am), and one time a co-worker saw me eating grapes and told me to stop stuffing my face as I'd get worse. What part of any of that is ok? So why is it ok to hear any other kind of comment on your appearance when the implication is that you looked shitty before?

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for saying this. And for being so open when you could have just kept quiet and let it be.

Great post! I'm a Lane Bryant gal with "Forever 21" friends...it's tough because we can't share clothes.

When I started college at age 18, I weighed a "hefty" (to my 18 year old mind) 135. I had some unrelated health problems, and was put on medication - by the end of my second year of college, I weighed over 200lbs. For my old friends who hadn't seen me in awhile, the look of shock on their faces when they saw the new me was devastating.

I could go on for pages about weight issues.

The latest is problem though, is I've almost completely lost my appetite (I don't know why - heading to the Dr. on Weds.) and I tell my friends and family that I've lost 10lbs in 2 weeks without trying, and they say "good for you!" and I say "NO! NOT good for me! There is something WRONG with me!" and they say "Well, I wouldn't complain about losing weight without trying". It's not about the weight, it's about health.

I met a woman in the dr's office who had gastric bypass, and she told me she has had so many problems, she would rather weigh 250lbs and be happy/healthy than weigh 135 and have all these health problems. I used to think otherwise, but now after hearing her story, I agree.

Anyway, how's the weather? ;-)

Right On! You know, men have it so easy. Want to buy a pair of jeans? Measure waist and leg length and Voila! Right there it is! But women?? My hubby asked me once what "size 8" means (he was considering bday or christmas gifts along the clothing line). I told him that Size 8 really means... nothing. I hear that it is a secret formula derived by the Fashion Police Moguls. Take the size of hips in inches. Divide by two = how fat each cheek is, then add age in years, subtract (waist divided by chest size) and divide by the 28-day lunar cycle = size 8!

I bet Paris was the trip of a lifetime, correct?

And please please post when the winner of that blog award contest is announced!

First, I love your blog. I am usually a lurker, but I had to share some thoughts. It seems to me that it is almost always OTHER PEOPLE that make you feel bad. I honestly don't believe that I would have the self esteem issues I do had I not encountered people with uncontrollable word vomit on weight issues. I am 5'8 and a size 18/20 but you'd think I was the fattest person alive given some of the comments I've heard. Here's an example: "Julie, you would be the perfect woman if you lost 40 pounds." So mean. Another goodie: "Julie, guys don't ask you out because you're fat."

So,I understand what you are going through. You are a beautiful girl. People tell me I am too, but there are always those two comments that stick in my head ALL THE TIME. Why can't I remember the good things people say? I've heard more good than bad.

Laurie, I have been reading your blog for a while now (and yes commenting like a good non lurkerish stalker. cough.. ahem).. Anyway, you are a strong funny and great person. Yes I weigh just a little too much (im just convinced im too short thats all...ie my weight indicates I should be 6 foot 2 inches). My standard response to people asking or commenting about my size is to say nothing, look at them directly in the eye and politely ask them how their sex lives are... Family and friends just laugh, and move off the subject. Thankfully most of them just never mention it again. Its the total strangers reactions that get interesting lol.

Laurie, I'm sorry you were so hard on yourself in the past. I think most of your readers are in awe of your good looks, talent, and humor -- and wouldn't want you to trade in any of that in order to see you fit into size 4 jeans. It's about time women finally learned from us MEN, and stopped judging themselves and each other so much on diet and food. I think you're awfully pretty in the Paris photo, even if you felt "overweight" compared to your friends. I think less about your weight than wonder what the hell is your natural hair color? Be healthy, eat right, but stop obsessing. Besides which man really wants a skinny woman anyway? She usually has no ass!

I lost 20 lbs once going through two years of the most unbelievable stress. Most of it my own doing. Isn't that the usual cause? Anyway, I drank lots of water, but didn't eat much and couldn't sleep. It was, in a word, an terrible terrible time in my life. Ok so two words.

There was a woman who kept telling me how sexy I looked, how much better I looked, I was so amazingly thin, and "really, what's your secret?" A mere thank you would not suffice. I had to tell her repeatedly that I was worried about my weight loss (not that I'd become unhealthily thin--it was just too fast going from 156 to 135), I was seeing a doctor (I was), I was under tremendous stress, and that if it was a diet plan I didn't recommend it at all, etc. She kept bugging me, sure I was keeping the equivalent of a secret elixir of life from her. And she's a DOCTOR.

Sometimes? You seriously need to just walk away from the conversation, such as it is. It helps to be from the northeast rather than the south, prolly, but... drag out that inner bitch and just turn around and go.

First there was weighing more than most of my friends. Then weighing more than boyfriends. A few weeks ago Rosie O'Donnell mentioned her weight and I was more than a little alarmed to find myself on the far side of her number. And more than Kirstie Alley was, and then Oprah reminded me on a recent episode that her highest weight ever was one pound less than my current weight. Ugh. So I feel ya! But mad props for doing what you're doing and thinking how you're thinking!

You're in inspiration, Laurie. Love your blog. You've helped motivate me.

I totally relate to your post. I have a Master's degree, professional accomplishments galore, and am surrounded by people who love me to bits. So, why is it that the only thing that makes the difference between a good day and a bad one is the number on the scale?!?

Laurie, sweetie, we need to stop beating ourselves up! You are so unbelieveably talented -you're sharp as a tack, perceptive, and funny as all git out. You're one of the few people on this planet who can make me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time. I'm an auditor, and trust me, it ain't easy to do that!

You can't change the fact that the world will always have its share of mean and/or thoughtless people (hey, I'm sure I've offended a few people as I've callously traipsed through life). What you can do is continue being you - brave, honest, and real. Those who are worth knowing will see you are you really are. As the rest... feh.

At the risk of sounding corny, thanks for being an inspiration.

Keep taking care of yourself -- there's a lot of us rootin' for ya.

Laurie,

You are so great! Please don't reduce yourself to your weight. I don't know you personally but I think you are one of the most wonderful people I've never met! I understand what you're talking about. I've never been really "overweight" but I am so small boned, just a small amount of extra weight makes me feel huge. That makes it much harder because people don't see us as overweight. We just feel like we're too big for our tiny bones. Love ya!

Laurie,
Love you, love your blog, and agree with you on "we're more than a number." Great attitude--but how do you make it stick?

Thank you so much for sharing your life and your thoughts with us Laurie...you're a fabulous woman!

Hey Laurie - you look fan-freakin'-tastic - but I don't have to tell you that. 192 people ahead of me already did. And, being someone like you, I don't want to focus on the weight.

I love your scarf and look how damned happy you look with your best girlfriends in one of the most beautiful places on the planet.

You have made some amazing emotional progress in the last year, and deciding to eat healthier was icing on the cake (mmm. cake.). You rock Laurie, and you are inspiration. Thank you for posting some very personal thoughts all over those InnerWebs for all of us to read. You are very loved (hello! Nearly 200 comments!), and you should be very proud of yourself.

And I really do love the scarf. If only I could put down that glass of wine to knit myself one...

XO

beautifully said, laurie. and so very very true.

Ditto ditto ditto to all the posts above.

Thank-you for sharing (everyone!) and showing me that none of us are as alone in our struggles as we think we are.

Laurie, you look beautiful in that photo. Thank-you for sharing what we all struggle with daily. It's a very small world, and living large is not something society supports. At 51 I know it's highly unlikely I will ever fit in those size 7 jeans again, but my goals are to go somewhere from my size 22/2x frame to a smaller size so I can downsize my sweater yarn purchases!
Best wishes to you!

Sometimes I feel like you're in MY head and putting down exactly what I think and feel. I knew something had to change when I was crying at the pictures from what are supposed to be my big memories, too... and cutting myself out of the pictures from my best friends' weddings. I seeing taking care of 'the eating/exercise' thing as both the easiest and hardest thing I've *ever* done, sort of like staying to a budget. You know what you need to do, and how it works, but you have to be at a place in your life and yourself where you are strong enough to make it happen. Thank you.

I think you're being too hard on yourself if you call what you look like in that vacation pic "fat". But, I am glad you are learning not to "eat your emotions". You are giving me some inspiration to work on my quest to eat when I am actually hungry, not just when I am bored or distracted.

Keep it up!

Laurie, you are indeed already very wise. Thanks a million for the inspirations and putting it all into words...

Purl- I don't have time to read all the comments like I usually do, but I am going to assume I am just part of the chorus. I keep saying you are not only very intelligent, but you are very wise as well. Everything you wrote is very logical, perceptive and true. I wish I could find a way to express my moral support in a better way. All I can think of to write is that tired old cliche: "keep on keepin' on." Gawd, did I just write that??

You look so fabulous in those photos and I understand and agree with so much of what you wrote. (Insert "me too" button.)

Someone at work asked another coworker what my "secret" was. I told her to tell anyone that it's the crystal meth diet. :-)

There's no secret but people think there is and they are usually disappointed when I say, "less food, more activity." It is more than that but how can you bottle up your emotions of being fat and being disappointed (to say the least) with yourself? Ms. Johnna Q. Public isn't going to buy that.

Thanks again for a great post.

"We eat, we just don't eat in front of you." You know, I have an aunt who is morbidly obese. She never eats. We don't think she never eats. We know she doesn't eat in front of us.

what I hear is, "Well looky there! Your butt isn't as gigantically fat as it used to be!"
I used to say, "No, you just remembered me fatter than I am." Which was probably true because I had invariably never lost weight when people said that to me. Now I just say thanks and move on too. It's best not to dwell on it. (And may I leave you with a bit of wisdom I have procured while outgrowing my fat clothes? Never have foot surgery over the eating holidays. You can't work out and there's nothing that does damage like eating cookies while you lay about on the couch.)

You give me courage. Thank you.

Every word you wrote hit directly home for me. I'm a fat girl now that had never been "fat" before. It all started when I got pregnant and I've been up and down, down and up since then with my weight.

It is a hard question to answer when someone comments about the weight you lose. My harder question is when my own Mom asks me "So, how you doing on that weight loss?" or "Maybe you should start focusing on that weight loss?" or the ever popular "Maybe you should wait until you start losing weight before you start looking for a new place to work...you will be going on interviews you know?". I know she means best, but seriously do the people in our lives not realize that we own mirrors and that we are usually quite disgusted when we look in them?

Anyway, I think you're beautiful...inside and out!

Years ago, in reaction to my husband leaving my and our kids for another person (a bodybuilder, no less), I lost a tremendous amount of weight. In my depression, I didn't notice. I didn't notice until I went shopping and bought clothes my usual size. I still didn't notice until I tried on one of my new outfits and it totally swallowed me! White knit dress with a henley neckline - I'll never forget! I jumped on the scales (which I've since pitched) and I had lost many pounds. Can't remember how many. I was thrilled. But it later occurred to me, that nothing else had changed. I lost weight - a significant amount of "me" - and nothing else changed. I was still the same person my husband didn't want. But what DID change - eventually, was my mental image of my self. I am so grateful to have had that experience. And when someone comments on changes in my appearance (which they don't, because I'm 44 and invisible), I've often thought of singing the National Anthem. It would get the point across that I don't think it is an issue to discuss and it would alleviate my discomfort of people noticing my body!

Laurie,
being thin is so @#&$*# overrated. What I truly, honestly saw the other day when I looked at your picture???? A beautiful handmade scarf modeled in the BATHROOM at work!

I just read the Paris post for the first time. I wish you were my friend!!!

You're smarter than most nutritionists, Laurie. This article is long, but I believe it's the best article about nutrition ever written. Kudos to the New York Times:

http://tinyurl.com/2uvt3h

Thanks for your well-written blog. It's a joy to find a fellow female gen-xer with such smart, insightful, and funny things to say.

I read you everyday.. and I never comment. I am sure there are plenty like me who do the same.

But this is what I wanted to say. I lost my dad and went through a divorce within 6 months. I lost scads of weight. I got down to a size I never thought I would see again (I have since gained some of it back, but I feel I am more healthy now than then and I am fine with it.. 20 lbs is not as bad as the 60 lbs I was overweight) ANd I got some amazingly RUDE comments from co-workers. I never found the *right* response, except by pointing out that they were asking something even my mother wouldn't ask. Some people got the "I lost my father" response, some got the "I got a divorce" response, and some I just simply said "It isn't any of your business." The only people who said the right thing in the right way without being rude were gay men. They simply looked at me and said "YOU LOOK FABULOUS!!!" The rudest comment I got was "are you sick? do you have cancer??!!" Again, something not even my mother woudl ask. Thanks.

You do not have to answer every question about your weight. It isn't any more their business than it is about you home life, or your cats, or even how your grandmother is doing. You don't have to answer it, simple nod and continue on.

Laurie,
People really can be quite rude and ask very probing, personal questions. I was talking about your post with my husband last night because I am also "trying not to be insane" and "not eat my emotions". He's always been very supportive and very perceptive when I discuss problems like this.
Something he pointed out: when I'm eating the way I should be and getting exercise and making lots of good choices to treat myself well, I radiate. He said I walk taller, smile more, just seem more comfortable and happy with myself. When I'm making good choices to be healthy in all aspects I don't have this dark cloud hanging above me.
So I wonder, is that what people see? Are they simply seeing a happy, well-balanced version of myself? And because people are ignorant and often equate happiness with weight loss or appearance or whatever, they just do the math in their head and then suddenly they are making an insensitive comment. I don't think it's ok that people say so many awkward things, but I think that where it's coming from can be positive.
I try to take the same route as you when people say things. I just say that I'm trying to take care of myself and find some balance. And that's that.
Oh, and how bout them bears?
LL

Totally agree, also. By the looks of things a WHOLE LOTTA people agree with you, too!

Fantastic post.

I have an unconventional response to people who say "Have you lost weight?"

"Oh dear, I certainly hope not."

Depending on the discomfort level you wish to inspire in the person who said this, you can add a sort of glum look, or other indication that you might be truly fearful of losing weight. For all they know, you think you may have been exposed to some parasite on a trip to some exotic locale, and now fear imminent death.

I truly think this is one of those things that is more rude than congratulatory in most cases, so I have no problem in making them feel uncomfortable for having asked. After all, they've made me feel uncomfortable for noticing!

With closer friends, I'd be more upfront and honest, but the random acquaintance/co-worker type? No way. They wouldn't comment if I'd gained weight (not to my face at least) so, so what if I've lost some? Not their business.

I don't think you know how incredibly adorable you are.

Faith is, indeed, wise. You would do well to continue listening to her.

"After all, they didn't mean anything by it. It's just such a common thing we do, isn't it? Complain about our bodies. Berate ourselves."

Even so, what's common is for your friends to be sensitive to your struggles.

A while back a friend of mine was terribly upset because her sister-in-law complained to her non-stop about her own morning sickness, knowing that my friend had just had a still-born child. People just don't THINK. It's terrible to be so insensitive, rude and hurtful, especially to your own friends.

You are so right. I'm 43 and have struggled with weight since I was 14.The other day I saw a WW commercial advertising a free week. I thought for a minute that I should do this, but then I remembered that I weigh 119 lbs. My head forgets that I don't need to lose weight anymore. My head still thinks I'm the fat girl. Our heads get pretty messed up, don't you think? Perhaps it was turning 40, but I no longer care what others think or are stupid enough to say as much as I care what I think. Love your blog!

I never knew what to say when someone loses a lot of weight--I thought they would want acknowledgement, but then my mom set me straight on the subject. She is disabled so she can't exercise much, and takes meds that exacerbate her weight gain, and there is really not much to do about it. She's a very healthy eater, but genetics and her physical condition conspire to keep her heavy. It's very helpful to have that perspective! I now struggle with weight gain, but I'm exercising and trying to set a good example for the kids in terms of healthy eating. Thanks so much for your wonderful blog!

Well said, and I agree absolutely.
Good for you for "getting it".
I just turned 49 and have figured out that by eating in secret, when I was upset, wasn't helping anything. No road-to-Damascus moment, just thot "I'm going to make a healthier choice today". Every day it's a bit easier, I'm even enjoying working out now (most days). It's about getting healthier for the 2nd half of my life, not about how I look. Weird, isn't it, some days you just have a smart moment. Lesson is, listen to yourself when it happens.
Hugs,
V

Do you know what I see in that picture? Four girlfriends (Sex in the City?) in Paris having a great time. Plus it reminded me of the story of you going all LA on a group of lecherous men! Like you said, weight is just a number. Good for you for making healthier decisions in your life. Being healthy is better than being thin. This from a wise old woman of 40! LOL

I've lost 185 pounds in the past two years, so I've had to get used to the compliments & comments too. It's a dichotomy because I like being congratulated on the hard work I've done, but people seem to be *way* more enthusiastic about the loss than they should be. Last time I went to the dentist, two different hygenists stopped me on the way out and treated me like a vision of the Virgin Mary they were so impressed. I thanked them, but it's not like I cured cancer, you know? And when they ask what I'd been doing it was too complex of an answer to distill into a short response. It's like trying to sum up quantum physics in a sentence.

Laurie,
That was an amazing post. I admire your courage to talk about it openly and share these things with us :)
There are two books that I really like and thought you may be interested in reading them; they are just ones that have inspired me. One is _Life in the Fat Lane_ by Cherie Bennett, and the other is _Jemima J_ by Jane Green. Both talk about self-esteem and things you have brought up, but from two different perspectives. Thank you for your post.

It's so good to have someone like you going through that. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you ;-), It's just that I've been dealing with all of that myself, and you manage to turn all the mess into words so perfectly that it makes things easier. The part about the comments and compliments on your body size was so accurate to what I have been facing it's creepy.

Thanks for sharing that part of your life with us!

As a person who has almost always struggled with her weight (I don't count those years between birth and 8 years old), I so feel you on this post. Except I have trouble accepting myself because right now, at my heaviest, all I can see is my giant ass. And my giant arms. And my fat face. I am trying very hard to be nicer to myself, to eat healthier things instead of just plain ol' crap. I despise diets and refuse to use that word because that's not what I'm doing. I'm being nice to myself.

At any rate, it's effing tough and when I have bad days, like today (or the past three weeks), all I want to do is go home and put on my eatin' dress (to quote my goddess, Margaret Cho - and really, they're more like uber comfy pajama pants and a giant t-shirt) and just consume everything in the house. And then drive to the nearest Arby's and clean them out as well. Then order some pizza. And Chinese food (extra egg rolls). I try to notice what my brain is really saying in those moments when my brain is screaming "FEED ME! FEED ME!" Usually my brain is saying, "I am very anxious and worried and insecure and sad right now, please cuddle me and love me and make me happy."

You rock, Laurie. You're a goddess.

I so completely understand.

I loved this post! I feel the same way!

At one point in my life, I gained a lot of weight, and didn't even notice. Then I lost said weight, and honestly didn't notice all that much either.

And then my mom started carrying around "then & now" pictures of me to show all her friends. Trying to be nice, right? She was thinking "Look at how much weight she's lost!" I was thinking "Look at how fat she used to be!" All it did was make me notice notice notice.

Now I've gained most of that weight back and I'm almost afraid to go home (she lives in another state) because now I feel like everyone will NOTICE.

It's nice to read that I'm not the only one who thinks about such things.

There's nothing new I could say her about the weight thing that hasn't already been said. So I'll just say this...When are you going to write a book?

One of your recent posts reminded me of an article I'd read recently; I thought you might enjoy it too.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/28/magazine/28nutritionism.t.html?ei=5090&en=a18a7f35515014c7&ex=1327640400&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=all

**I hate that people look at you with new eyes when you're smaller -- after being very heavy for so long.**

Hi - you really touched a lot of deep stuff for a lot of women (and men) in your post. I've been overweight for all of my life (I'm 60) and I've just found out I have severe sleep apena - which has been a major factor in my life long battle with weight and chronic depression. My whole life people have told me (family, drs., the great unwashed, everyone) that if I just had a little more will power, my body wouldn't be overweight. I am bringing up the SLEEP APENA issue because it is often associated with being overweight, but it my case, it made me overweight. Both my brothers have it and they are not overweight. If you feel tired all the time, talk to your doctor about sleep apena. Having a CPAP machine and taking the right kind of anti-depressants for this condition has helped tremendously. There are days when I can even begin to think about eating a balanced diet.

Thank you for sharing this - it made me feel not so alone in my path. Blessing - Hester from Atlanta

It's amazing how a few words can change a probably well meant compliment from something that makes you feel good about yourself to the opposite. The other day a friend/aquintance I see every few months said You look great! (feeling good) You've lost weight (umm, less so). I don't think I weigh much less, though maybe I was wearing a particularly flattering outfit. Why don't people stop at the first comment? Why the need to comment on someone's weight?

You know, when people ask what I'm eating or doing to lose weight, I find sarcasm and making them feel like idiots really helps my mood!

I say: "Yeah, I found this great new diet! It's called Stop Eating So Much and Get Some Freaking Exercise"!

Maybe not great karma, but huge satisfaction.

I am going through the exact same thing right now. Though my "secret" is making dinner in the crockpot ahead of time so there is no eat-everything-in-sight-I'm-so-hungry. & knitting. If I'm knitting while I'm watching a movie or a show I can't snack. dumb but true :P

I do know what you mean. I am very secretive about losing weight and what I'm doing to be healthier. And I imagine that comes from being secretive about what I'm doing that makes me gain weight.

I hate talking about it though. I don't want it to be focused on. I just want it to be second nature.

I DREAD plane trips too.

*sigh* I'm so sassy about so many aspects of myself, how did this one thing grow into such a monster?

This one's handy.

"I figure I HAVE a diet, so why should I go ON one? (and the re-direct:) Do YOU diet?"

Also,

"This color must be especially flattering to me. Thanks! (and the re-direct:) Do YOU have a color like that?"

Plus,

"Well, I've had this amazing craving for salads every day. I think it's a backlash from the e-coli scares. (and the re-direct:) Do you still eat spinach?"

You get the idea, though I think you already have the idea, really.

i've so been the you in that situation telling my thin friends to can it because for the love of god and all that is holy can you not see i am twice the size of you and you are concerned about that .5 cm of chub on your left rear cheek!?

clearly, i'm still working through my feelings on this subject. ahem.

this is another great post- you're so inspirational and i mean that in a totally non-cheesy way. ;)

I don't know if I've ever posted here before; yes, I'm one of those pesky lurkers. I don't know if you're actually going to read comment number umpteen trillion and one, but I just wanted to say:

Exactly! and Thank You!

To anyone who wants to know what they should say to a co-worker/friend/relative that appears to have lost some weight, try "You're looking good today!" It covers every situation including loss of excess weight, more flattering clothes, a new hair cut or maybe the fact that she just feels better about herself and is radiating good vibes.

BTW, Aunt Purl, I followed you link to Faith's blog and spent 4 hours last night reading all the past posts. You are not only amazing; you have amazing friends.

I'm not quite there yet, but you've given me something to think about-- thanks. (And my daughter wants your scarf)

Right on!

Four years ago, I lost 75 pounds (50 or so from pregnancy, the rest from good old-fashioned overeating), and there was an adjustment period. I always just said, "Thank you," and left it at that when the compliments poured on. When they were excessive, I'd get a little irritated, though--I mean, I was exactly the same person. The only change was that I had learned some new skills.

As usual, AMEN SISTER!

This is this the pararaph that made me go "doink!"

You wrote:
"You see, if my goal for losing weight or being a certain size were to make people feel something for me (love, acceptance, jealousy, desire, envy, approval, you name it), I would have zero success in the long run because I could never get enough satisfaction from that goal. It's empty."

Yep. Getting skinny is not going to make my hubby pay anymore attention to me than he does already. He shows just as much affection to me now as a size 14 as he did when i was a size 10. Its not the weight damnit! Now if i can just get that into my head!! Good post. Sometimes I think we were twins seperated at birth. 'cept I'm about 5 years old, there's that. :) Keep rockin!

Oh Laurie - We love you!

You've said it all so great :)

I've started making myself laugh when the conversation turns to weight loss and it ends up coming up that my goal for now is for my size 22 self to "start eating regularly". I'm sure the skinny minnies think I am insane, and go "um, maybe she shouldn't be eating so much"!

But, how is one supposed to get their body to behave when they only feed it caffine until noon and then lunch, sometimes not even dinner, and then of course snacks here and there(because hello - I'm starving here because I didn't eat breakfast and maybe not even dinner last night!)? Fat people have to eat too :) Just maybe not so much junk - or less food more often!

( applause )

rock on!!!! this was really inspiring to read!

Hi! Long time lurker! Love your blog!

I lost 50 pounds a couple of years ago, and I HATED it when co-workers cornered me in the kitchen or whatever to ask how I'd lost weight. I kind of realized after a while that a lot of them were sort of hoping I could give them a magic bullet they could use - like "Oh it's South Beach!" "Jenny Craig!" "A juice diet!" I started shrugging and saying "just trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, thanks!" and scurrying away as fast as possible. Because while it was nice that people noticed or whatever, the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Ugh. I found the whole thing really embarrassing, like every time someone asked me about it I had to admit that I was a slob before or something.

The good news: people get used to "the new you" and it does pass. :)

I had the same reaction to seeing myself in Paris vacation photos! Maybe Paris is to blame... all that butter and wine ;)

Purlie,
You have been making me cry so much lately! I think that people are just looking for the majic bullet. I lost 50 lbs. a few years ago and women in the office always asked how I did it. I answered truthfully I'm eating less (not starving myself) and moving more. People did not beleive me! they just quizzed and quizzed, so finally I started saying (sacastically) that I was on the supermodel diet lots of drugs and chain smoking! that was more acceptable than the truth. Weird huh? I lost weight for all the wrong reasons (Maid of honor in my bestest friends wedding). I have since gained it all back. Now I am invisible again (which is fine). But I am back to eating less and moving more, for myslef. And I'm dreading the barrage of questions when it all begins to show.

I weigh more than my 6' tall bf (I'm 5'1") and that is sooo depressing. He is super supportive though and asked me try not to loose my booty! gotta love him!
Great post you inspire me, I wish we were friends!

Purlie,
You have been making me cry so much lately! I think that people are just looking for the magic bullet. I lost 50 lbs. a few years ago and women in the office always asked how I did it. I answered truthfully I'm eating less (not starving myself) and moving more. People did not believe me! they just quizzed and quizzed, so finally I started saying (sarcastically) that I was on the supermodel diet lots of drugs and chain smoking! that was more acceptable than the truth. Weird huh? I lost weight for all the wrong reasons (Maid of honor in my bestest friends wedding). I have since gained it all back. Now I am invisible again (which is fine). But I am back to eating less and moving more, for myself. And I'm dreading the barrage of questions when it all begins to show.

I weigh more than my 6' tall bf (I'm 5'1") and that is sooo depressing. He is super supportive though and asked me try not to loose my booty! gotta love him!
Great post you inspire me, I wish we were friends!

Yes, yes, and yes! I had someone come up to me at church and say "Boy, you look wonderful, you've lost a tremendous amount of weight." I hadn't lost a pound, in fact, I was (am) at my heaviest ever. What does that mean? Did I look even fatter than I really am? Argh!!! And why do people feel they need to comment, anyway? If they absolutely have to say something, why not just say, "You look great!"

I love reading all the comments and everyone's perspectives and how the way you articulate your thoughts and feelings makes us feel not so alone. I'm glad that you decided to blog for us in the first place and that you share yourself with us. Obviously, we can't ever know the *real* you and you don't know us either but those parts of yourself that you do open up to us are charming, smart, funny and gracious. I am convinced that the entire package that is Laurie is still entirely charming (including quirks and flaws and don't we all have those?). :)

I have gone from a size 10 six years ago to 16W/1X and feel very nearly like I'm creeping up to 2X. Help! How did I let this happen? Like you, I hate pics of me and am profoundly shocked by the way I look in them. I would be happy just to get to a size 14. But I've been inspired by your wonderful, healthy outlook on life and by everyone's stories here, too - AND by your courage in posting the pics that you didn't care for! I love you for that! I am trying to get to the point in my life where I accept my body as I get healthier, NOT *skinny* so that I *look* good. I want to FEEL good more than anything.

Keep sharing, girl, we're rooting for you and for each other!!!

You said all, girl. I am the same person I was when I was size 4, but, well, you know what it is like when you are size 18.

I gained a lot of weight - left my husband - and went back to school. In other words (in my mind) I was thin and stupid and then I got fat and smart (this is way simplified). Am I afraid to lose weight because then I will appear to be stupid again? One of my greatest fears in life is appearing stupid.

I can only speak from my own experience. A few years ago, over the course of 18 months, I lost 120 pounds w/o surgery by eating carefully (and a lot less)and exercising like crazy. I made the decision to do this because I was in my 40s, had been way overweight for 20 years and I felt like I was 75...so purely for health reasons, and not for looks. Hey -- people noticed. When they did, I just told them I was doing it for myself and they either shut up or asked how. I began to notice that many who made comments were actually doing so in an effort to support me as I did this. You just have to watch out for the saboteurs who will try to tempt you "just this once." I've managed to keep it off, in part by rewarding myself with clothes I was never able to wear before, instead of by rewarding myself with food. My advice is to do things for your own reasons. If you feel well physically and like yourself the way you are, then go with it. If you really want to lose weight (for whatever reason) and keep it off, be prepared to change your life. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Hi Laurie,

Man - that post sure hit a nerve with all of us, eh? I just wanted to tell you (like so many others already have) that you are a freakin' goddess. I love your posts, love the way you write, love the way you knit. (Don't worry. I'm not a stalker! Really. Just a big fan.)

I probably have fewer body-image issues than a lot of other women, but it's been a long road to get here. Everything you wrote in that post resonated. Thank you for saying it out loud!

I am SO GLAD that you are feeling better about your weight, and especially (because that is the whole point, right?) about your self. You ROCK.

Keep the posts comin', girlfriend.

:)

V.

It was people telling me "fat? NO, you look AWESOME!" that cost me 10 years of NOT losing weight. Finally I realized that I was NOT the size I wanted to be, NOT as healthy as I wanted to be and that I needed to make changes, even if "they" thought I looked just fine.

Fourty pounds skinnerier, I realize they were either being NICE or were JEALOUS that I might lose weight. I WAS fat and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER now that I made changes to my life (for ME) and lost those fourty pounds. I only wish I'd ignored everyone and done it sooner.

You DO look great, but it is up to YOU if you are at the weight you WANT to be.

When people ask if you lost weight, they are trying to COMPLEMENT you, no matter how awkward it might sound (unless they HATE you and are trying to make you feel uncomfortable, in which case, why are you talking to them?) Say "thank you" and feel good about it. They love you and are trying to encourage you to be the best YOU possible. Learn to take the compliments with grace. That can be difficult for us Southern girls. I heard it all when I was losing weight. Smile and know that it is how people tell you that they love you.

I love your attitude. Thank you for the inspiration! :)

Hi there,

I found you because of your awesome roll brim hat recipe and have since made two hats using it! I'm just starting my third.

I myself am also on a journey to gain better health and lose weight. I read this book, and it really helped me. It's not a diet book it's a "Why we have these weird food behaviors" book. Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think by Brian Wansink. Seriously, this book has helped me a LOT.

Jenn

(Skipping directly to comment, without reading anyone else's.) Amen, congratulations of what you have accomplished, and good luck on further success. Sincerely.

I never measure my friends by the size of their pants, and I know you don't either. Why then, do we measure our own self worth by the size of our pants? It's a challenging mindset to outgrow (so to speak).

It's a matter of the heart. And by the way, yours is looking fantastic!

Hello Laurie,

Thank you.