I agree completely. You rock. Keep me thinkin', Valley Girl!

I had the same problem, both when I lost weight and again when I gained weight after an eating disorder. People meant well...but every comment about my weight was painful to me, no matter how kindly intended. I finally got to the point of just saying "Oh, that's just boring stuff. Let's talk about something INTERESTING. Did you know I was thinking about taking a class in....?" etc. Most people get the point without my having to go on to answer number 2: "I'm sorry, but I really don't like to invest my energy in talking about my weight. Let's talk about something else."

I agree with you completely. Three years ago, I was about 40 pounds thinner. I had just graduated college, and I also had massive debt from student loans and credit cards, was working two really crappy jobs, and would binge-drink several times a week like I was still in college. Now, I have an awesome job. I am way more stable when it comes to dating and drinking. I spend money a lot more responsibly, and am starting to pay down my debt and actually save money. But for some reason, I have to make myself think of all the positive changes in my life, of which there have been many. My first inclination is always to think, "I wish I weighed what I did 3 years ago."

Laurie, you are beautiful at any size. I have been enjoying your blog for quite some time now, and I just love you.

You are right on about the weight. Sometimes we use it to hide, and when it is time to come out again from behind our weight it can be scary. However, it can also be very exciting. I, too, have pictures that I have hidden and torn up, and for quite a few years I have looked at a picture or in the mirror and said, "Who is that person? (cos that can't be me!)"

But right now I am getting healthy and losing weight and taking some of my life back (from everyone else who wants a piece of me) and learning to eat not because the kids are making me crazy or someone is stressing me out but because I am hungry.

It is a step in the right direction, and I am very proud of myself. I am very proud of you too.

Thank you for writing about the things we are afraid to admit. You don't know how much you help us.

I've not posted before, but I just had to after reading this one. Thank you. Simply, thank you.

Oh wow, I'm #3.

I'm always lurking, but I can't resist. It's hard, isn't it? When someone means to compliment you by saying "wow you lost weight!", they are also noting that you were heavy before - and that heavy-before was not a good thing, whereas lighter-now is a good thing. It's one thing to say "I LOVE that outfit, you look great." - it's nother to imply that you are better because you have less weight.

I try my best to gauge my weight by how comfortable I feel, whether I feel out of shape or too constricted in my favorite clothes. Others often do not see me as "big" (at least in US, at least in non-metro suburbia) but I don't feel "small", and I always try to focus on whether I'm taking care of myself as a whole - skin, exercise, nutrients, mind, heart, soul, money, work... - rather than on the number on the scale... but it's hard.

I think your friend Faith has the best solution. As for those who insist on digging into "HOW-HOW-HOW?" - I think you should just lower your voice and say, "well... I found this pair of red shoes... and I clicked the heel three times and said 'there's no place like home'... and here I am!"

Happy Saturday from the FREEZING Northeast!

Two years ago, after my daughter was born, I developed a thyroid problem. I was extremely ill and lost 45 lbs in 2 months. I was so thin I looked sick, and people had an odd reaction to it. They would say, "oh wow, you look really thin. Are you ok? You could stand to put on some weight!" BUT in the next breath they would say something totally stupid like, "I wish I could have a thyroid problem."

I just can't understand why people feel the need to comment on someone's weight, whether they're heavy or skinny. Why can't people just say, "hey, you look great!" or say nothing at all?

It is wonderful to read of your new attitude. You're absolutely right, you have to do it for YOU and no one else. Best wishes for a new, healthy lifestyle!

I wish I had some spiffy or witty comment to convey how much I relate to your post. Alas, I do not. All I can say is I'm right there with you, on every single word you typed.

You rock beyond words.

Hey Gorgeous!
You're beautiful if you're a size 2 or size 22! Reading your entries about your weight is like reading about myself! I have struggled with my weight since I was about 12, and have always managed to have friends that are half the size I am. Some are wonderful, and have helped me realize that I'm beautiful because of who I am not what I look like. And some friends have been not so good, and couldn't understand why I didn't like going shopping for clothes with them! (Um, because I CAN'T buy clothes for myself at Forever 21?)

Anyway, my point is to just let you know that you're beautiful and wonderful! Look, the majority of us that read your posts everyday don't know exactly what you look like, and we alll love you!

Have a great day!

Laurie - you hit the nail right on the head, as you usually do!! Be happy with yourself - love yourself, I know, this is darn hard to do!

My favorite thing to say when someone says to me - have you lost weight - is no, I don't think so, why? Puts the ball right back in their court!

Here's to ya - cheers.

"you don't ever actually win that prize"- still trying to get that one thru my thick skull...
thanks for the honesty, it helps so much with others of us on the same long path.

Laurie...

I too have struggled with my weight over the last 12 years. After I had my daughter, I gained 30 pounds. I went from being a 10-12 to an 18 pushing 20.

Instead of going into stores like the Gap to buy clothes, I had to go to Lane Bryant. After every trip I would end up in tears. How did I get so fat? How did I let myself get to this point?

The worst was the first time my father flew back East to visit me. The look on his face was horrifying. You could tell he thought I looked awful, but didn't want to say anything.

I finally decided to go on a diet and lose some weight. At first it was just to shed the weight that was making me feel so horrible. I changed the way I ate and I joined Curves so I could work out.

Slowly I realized I wasn't doing this just for my weight. I was doing it for my overall health, and that is when I started to feel happier and healthier.

I don't know how much weight I've lost, and frankly I don't care. I'm down to a 12, but some times I have to buy a 14 for a better fit. I know in my heart that it is just a number and doesn't mean a damn thing. I know I'm a beautiful woman, inside and out. And so are you. Beautiful for who you are, and how you connet with so many people through your blog.

You are a wonderful person who makes the day of so many people, and that is what really counts. :)

well said. if we could just get our image of ourselves in our heads to change as quickly as we change our appearance!

Amen.

You're right, and I'm guilty of inflicting the same hurt on you that people do to me, and I'm sorry. People who've read my blog (mostly my Diaryland one) know that I had gastric bypass surgery in 2003. I've lost 150 lbs and can barely fit into a size 16. After 150 lbs, I'm pretty sick and tired of people saying, "Yeah, I can really see it in your face. Your face is slimmer."

Dude.

Also, my little sister and I have red, curly hair (she straightens hers now, but that's an entirely different set of morals). I never felt so close to her as when, 10 years ago, we were Christmas shopping at the mall and ran into an old neighbor who'd moved away. We never were that close, because Neighbor was of the snooty, spoiled sort and we were not. Neighbor gave us the family report (how's mommanem and all that) and then proceeded to gush about our red hair, omg such beautiful red hair, and the curls, and she wishes she had red hair like that. And my sister (then 16 or 17) looked her in the eye and said, "We have great personalities, too."

So proud.

Laurie, I only left what I thought was an encouraging comment about your size because you recently started saying that you feel like you're overweight. I wasn't thinking about how it would actually affect you - and trust me, I feel stupid now because I hate when anyone so much as acknowledges that I have a size, whether it's larger or smaller than the last time they saw me. I would prefer to exist as a noncorporeal entity that wisps her way through the world, graceful and light on her feet. Sadly, I feel more like Peter Griffin. Meh-eh-eh.

I *so* know what you mean. I lost quite a bit of weight bout 4-5 years ago and for years people looked at me in surprise everytime they saw me -- first because I lost the weight and then becasue I kept it off maybe?!?! I don't know. I guess you have to just learn to not worry about what other people do or say.

The weirdest thing was realizing that I had lost weight. For the longest time I still thought I was my old weight even though I wasn't. I think once I came to terms with that, dealing with other people was a breeze!

My therapist once tried to get me to understand that I am not my body. When you are overweight, that is so hard to get, especially since people don't really see you, they just see a "FAT". Not a person, just an adjective. ANd when I lose weight and they say- whoa, you've lost a ton! I feel awful, like I should join in and trash my former self. Oprah WInfrey once said "My personality is not in my thighs" and while I agree, I also feel less of a person, because I am heavy.

Bravo to you for figuring out a way to alter things in a weigh you can manage over the long haul. You are fabulous, regardless of size, and it irritates me when people tell me that, too.

I just want to thank you for continuing to share your thoughts. I've been overweight at varying degrees all my life, and for the first time, you're making me look at it and think about it in new ways.

I do think we are more than our size - unfortunately, getting too caught up in that train of thought can lead to people like me. I tend to find ways to authorize what I'm doing by reminding myself that people should see beyond the fat me - they should see the me inside. It's just not how society is, though.

And more importantly, I need to be more healthier and more active - for me. Not for them.

Thank you for always being so candid.

You chould check out Fat Girl's Guide to Life by Wendy Shanker. I was having body issues, and had for quite some time, and this book kinda made me realize that it doesn't matter.

"We are all so much more than a number, or a jeans size, or a list of what we ate one day."

...or our jobs or our bank accounts or how clean our houses are or what kind of car we have. Fear and self-esteem issues come in many packages.

Thanks for sharing, you and all the commenters. It's hard to remember sometimes that there are a whole lot of us who share so many things. It sure helps me to come here every day and not feel so alone.

Hi Laurie

I know too well of the weight struggles. When I comment on someone's weight loss and what to know HOW HOW HOW??? It's because I want to do it too. But you know what? I already know how. I just need to do it.

But what I really wanted to say and I mean this most sincerely and I am not JUST saying it:
When I looked at that picture you are the one that stood out and NOT because of your size. It is this glow that you have. You look more alive than anyone in that picture. It is like light comes off of you. I compare it to Meg Ryan- you have that same type of glow and light. Really. you do.

Yes! Thank you for saying it so well.

Oh, I just thought of a reply to "HOW HOW HOW?"

"Gnomes!"

Laurie; You have said exactly what I would have were I eloquent enough. That having been said, there only one answer to, "are you dieting". That answer is, "just trying to be healthier" and change the subject. Have one ready just for this akward social situation. My subject? "How 'bout those Bears (as in football)?" Not that I could care less about football - but people get the idea. "None of your business. Love to chat, but not on this topic!"

Dr. Oz has lots to say on this issue. I have heard him say on Oprah that heavy people will seem healthy as far as test results. However, there is still no reason to be that big. I go to Weight Watchers and follow the YOU plan myself. Yes, the brain is the big eating machine! Good for you for beating that one down, keep it up!

When they ask how you did it, lean in conspiratorially and whisper, "Tapeworms."

i've been lurking for a while, but i just had to say thank you. Thank you for being so brave and honest and open. You rock. So hard.

Ah, Laurie, Once again we crabby-ladies are travelling a similar path. I am slowly working to refind the adult, healthy, strong, happy body that I owned a couple decades ago. Part of that plan is to convert about 44 lbs. of excess fat into about 10-15 pounds of strong muscle.

It's not "losing weight".. it's refinding myself. Yet it's always "voiced" by others.. and too often by myself.. in terms of weight and size, though in my head I know it's something different.

I'm happier now that I've started this journey. I hurt less, and finding more confidence. I have given away almost all my elastic waist paints (except for workout sweats).

Still, I just recently put a photo of my face online. Why? I couldn't deal with seeing my father jowls on my face. I couldn't (and still can't) deal with people seeing my face the way it really is. It's not the face I have in my head.

Someday I will make down to SoCal and we will have to have drink together. Two stronger, more confident, happier broads.

Yep, it's hard enough to do this without being made a public spectacle of. My own moment came when my doctor handed me a prescription and said "I'm supposed to tell you to lose weight/change your diet first, but nobody ever really does that so here's your pills and do let me know if you experience any of the irreversible side effects." Oh, challenge my stubbornness, why don't you? So I did the whole healthiness thing and everyone remarked on how I looked and when "thank you" didn't shut them up (and some, mostly those who weren't at the right beginning place themselves, were pretty ugly about their accusations that it was a vanity thing rather than health) I just looked at them and said "I'm a diabetic." No one argues with diabetics. Sure, it's sort of a lie (although I could have achieved diabetic if I had kept on where I was eating my way to), but it shuts them up and they leave me alone. Which is the point.

I agree. :)

"I'm trying not to be insane, and trying not to eat my emotions."

That's better advice than a truckload of diet books. I also love the "trying" part. We just do our best. :) Nobody can do or be everything!

Thank you so much for your insights, your candor, and your pompom instructions! We *heart* you.

P.S.

You are so quotable, but I want to give you another quote that has helped me:

"The standard is not perfection, it is fulfillment and liberation."

I won't tell you what you already know, but I will tell you that you have inspired me to -
1) Live out loud.
2) Take control (I too love my wine... and beer... and mudslides... drool...)
3) Be better to ME!

I picked up You On A Diet, and now I can see what you mean. Not hurting myself by shoving food in to shut up the hurt and pain inside - that was a huge moment for me to admit that I have done that for years.

Every day is a chance to be better to ME, to eat food that I love but not so much I feel it actually slamming into place on my tush, to be enjoy what I eat, not eat because I am unhappy.

Thank you Purl. By posting the words I have carried around inside of me for so long, you have shown me a way out.

And now I'm off to find my walnuts, who knew they could work that well?

Keep talking it thru, Laurie! And keep at it. Say "thanks" when people notice. When people ask about your diet, tell them you are making lifestyle changes, you are living healthy. Over the past two years I have dropped 60 pounds (two years!) but when I shop I still reach for my old sizes. In my head, and in the mirror, I still see the BIG me. It takes such a long time to re-program the thinking!!

Know what I did? I started knitting instead of eating! LOL When I have a knitting needle in each hand, I can't snarf down comfort food. Some days/evenings I knit a lot!

I didn't post on the last post about weight, even though I thought it was amazing. But I had to post here. I really, really empathize with your weight issues. I've never been super-thin naturally, but I kicked off a life of dieting with a 3-year struggle with anorexia when I was 10. I was fortunate to recover before things got too bad, and for the most part, ever since then, I've bounced between relatively thin and a little heavy. Until four years ago, when I went through a major depression. Just before that depression, I had stabilized at a pretty great weight and was training to teach yoga. But not getting out of bed for three months, I found myself in a very different place. Even after the depression started to lift, everything about what I had and who I was before was pretty much shattered. And I gained 120 pounds over the course of the next 4 years. Basically, I doubled in size.

I knew I had gained a good deal of weight, but since that had happened countless times before, I wasn't so worried. I was still wearing size 16 dresses, so I didn't think it could be *too* bad. Until I saw pictures. I cried, too. I think the very lowest point, for me, was getting portraits taken with my (very elderly) grandparents, who I may not get to see again. Because when I saw them, I knew that I would never, never put those portraits up. I just could not face the image I saw. And I felt so sad that I hated the way I look that much.

Since that experience, I have come to face my weight, and I've started to peel it away. As I lose the weight, I feel better, and I am trying so hard to focus on health, not pants size. But damn, that is hard to do. It's even harder with other people's input interfering. Whether it is positive or negative, commentary from others really kind of blurs the line between something I am doing for myself and something I am doing for others. My dad still won't put up any pictures of me that are from the last 5 years. And I still remember him saying how great I looked at 102 pounds (at 5'9), right at the height of my eating disorder (for the record, I looked really awful---some people might be meant to be that skinny, but I was not). It's very, very difficult to keep reinforcing positive thoughts and my own health when I hear his voice in my head. And when it is so obvious how differently all the people around me treat me depending on my weight. But I am trying, and I am determined to succeed.

Anyway, eating in secret, hiding behind the weight, I really understand where you're coming from, and where you want to be (especially the focusing on health, not weight--damn, I am so done with thinking about how fat I am). And I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you've found a path that is working to take you away from those things.

As for the comments, when people ask me what I've been doing to lose weight, I just say "eating better and exercising more." Even though it's the truth, that answer tends to shut down the conversation---I think most people want to hear you say some magic solution (though I've noticed that when they do hear about some unusual tactic, they are quick to shoot it down). But doing just normal, little things? No one wants to believe that that will work. Because it is so simple, and so straightforward. And how could it be so easy? But it is. So that's what I say, and it tends to bring things to a halt really quickly.

Sorry this is so long. Really what I wanted to say is just that I wish you all the best in supporting your health. And in adapting to the new emotional and social terrain that you encounter along that path. Thank you so much for sharing what you're experiencing. It is so helpful to the hundreds of us that are experiencing it too.

Hey, you're still hot enough that a cutie with DIMPLES would lie about his age just so you'd go out with him. Here's a free program that I just started, make sure you add them to your white list because for some reason goes straight into your Spam folder
http://www.scaletheworld.com/

Damn, you're a good writer.

Isn't funny the vision you hav of yourself looking out and what you "see" when you look in the mirror doesn't match what the camera captures?

I actually gained weight - but I've battled weight my entire life. Only I didn't have a divorce to blame.

I finally had a co-worker start cooking for me - best money I EVER spent! She loves to cook. I hate it. Portions are right. Food is healthy. I've lost 40 pounds over the course of about a year. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to eat for dinner...it's all done. I also have a lot more energy.

And everyone that sees me keeps asking me you've lost what weight, what have you done? Nothing really...it's been so slow. Way less than a pound a week and I've got like another 75 to go!

What am I suppose to say? Well, I'm really a moron and even though I can cook and know what I'm suppose to do and how to do it, I can't handle it so I now have someone do my cooking?

Why can't they come up with a better compliment? Like wow, you look so happy? or every time I see you you get younger and younger? Anything people!!!

Thank you, Laurie.

Wow, wow, wow...and exactly! I have taught myself not to see weight. Not that I'm not aware of it but that it is not what defines me or the people around me. That's a tough one in a society that dictates size matters. And I had to gain weight to come to this realization so I thank my thigh size every day for that knowledge and insight. Fat really isn't anything more than fat just like skin is skin or the grass is grass. Why we attach so much meaning to it is beyond me - people are not defined by fat molecules.

carrie, *snort*!

Yay you! :) (From an incidentally-heavier-than-I-want-to-be me who also refuses to "diet".)

I've struggled for 45 years with weight issues. At various times I've been what is considered "normal" but it didn't last because of just what you said today. It's not our bodies that betray us, it's our heads. Thank goodness you're not going to spend another 20 years figuring it out, but have started now. Each time I start again I learn more.

Laurie - Good for you for working on you, for the right reason....YOU! Because above and beyond everything else that is all that really matters!!

Braveheart - that's you, dear Laurie. I know how much courage it took to post that picture, but in the end it's liberating. So true that we are much more than just a number on a scale. And as always, you said it beautifully.

Love to read your blog. During and after my weight loss, I struggled with what to say to some people when they would ask nosy questions. I wanted to say 'Good lord, what did you have for breakfast?' Instead, I looked each and every one of them in the eye and in a deadpan voice told them there is no secret to weight loss... eating healthy foods in the right amounts and exercise.

Not only do I agree whole-heartedly, what I think is particularly amazing is how you're changing other people's lives by describing the struggles. Being a woman at this time in our society/culture is really, really hard in lots of ways, and we're all trying our best to deal.

There's so much to say about it. You inspired me to go back and post something from last year that I had written, posted briefly, and then taken down about this very thing.

I agree. You rock. And you will keep on rocking. Of this we can be sure.

When my sister lost weight recently, people commented to her relentlessly about it. Not a huge amount, 15 pounds or so, but significant nonetheless. Her response was always, "I used to eat enough food for two people, and now I eat enough for one." It never failed to shock people which usually shut them right up. I loved it! Regardless, you look happy, which is the best way to look, I think.

Amen sister!

I know exactly what you mean about the people commenting on weight loss thing. Since I moved to San Francisco a year ago, I have done a lot more walking (thanks to not living in the 'burbs and needing to drive everywhere), but according to my scale I have not lost more than about 3 lbs. I am still rockin' my own size 22 LB pants (and thank god for them, or I would not be able to dress anywhere near decent), yet many people INSIST I am thinner. I was telling them, "Oh no no no, you're wrong!" for a while, but recently I have just been saying, "I guess so! Thanks!" and moving on. It seems to work, and keeps me from thiking about my weight all the time.

AMEN!! Because I too have struggled with this issue if I feel the need to say something to someone for encouragement in the weight loss issue I comment on the outfit, the hair style the skin tone, I take it all away from "Wow you lost weight"
Weight is such a personal thing and when you are losing it it makes it hard to stay focussed when people are REMINDING you

My thoughts on your picture were what beautiful yarn, sure wish I had a boatload of that....and how adorable you were.
Knit on.....

You do indeed have so many interesting things to talk about, and I love rading whatever they may be, but here's one more Thank You for your honesty about how you're feeling. You are amazing, and inspirational, and cool beyond cool.

{{{hugs}}}

Oh, what a perfect post about weight! Weight is such an issue for us: Get it off, put it on, move it up, move it down, eat the right kind of fat, avoid the wrong kind of fat, play find-the-fat in the ingredients ... well, you know. These days, I'm not worrying about my weight. I'm focusing, instead, on eating healthy. Well, mostly. And while I'm not losing, I'm also not gaining. At all. For a long time. So something better is happening here. Now if only I could harness this power for good!

Always fun to read your blog. So glad to hear you're eating better and feeling better too. I absolutely loved your red scarf with the pom poms (pom pons?) too!

I'm a lurker, but I do want to say that I am truly proud of you. Not for the weight loss, but for the attitude change. It's wonderful to see you really taking care of yourself, and doing it for the right reasons. Keep it up, because you deserve to be happy about who you are.

What great changes you've made. The change has to come from the inside out and you are doing it. I've been exactly where you are...divorced, overweight in size 22, alone and with cats. Doing it for ME was the most important thing I've EVER done. It took me awhile, but it was so worth it.

I remarried, had babies and have had to conquer those same demons again, but I'm doing it. I'm about 20 lbs from the weight I'd like to be. Doing it even MORE slowly this time, to try to work through those demons that like to play around in my head. Not eating my emotions is the hardest part of this.

I'm so glad you are doing this and just remember that as you go through this learning process it is a LEARNING process. Learning means you don't always succeed at each and every incident, BUT you learn from that and keep on going, so that you get better and better and better at succeeding for life!

And I'm SOOO with you on the eating alone (or closet eating as I call it). That is when it is the hardest for me...but I'm still learning. :)

P

It doesn't help that we live in a culture that embraces anorexia and external physical beauty as "virtues".
And living here, in L.A. only magnifies that.
PS. Uncomfortable or not, you're the only one actually smiling at that table.

Oh, honey. You're beautiful. I'm so jealous of your long, lovely blonde hair to tell you the truth in all your pictures! And you'll have that no matter WHAT size you are!

I've lost over 60 lb. in the last couple of years and to be perfectly honest, although it's been nice for the most part, it's only one piece of the puzzle. I'm still the same person with a little less fat on my ass. The other emotional baggage is still there.

I think that I thought that if I lost all the weight all my other problems would disappear and, oh my god, that isn't true! But I'm working on the other stuff. It IS a relief to not have to haul that extra weight around. I went skiing for the first time in six years a couple of weeks ago and it was so awesome to have the strength and agility and stamina to go!

Keep up the awesome work!

People just don't know what to say; we're so obsessed with weight in this culture and it's hard not to notice. But I have at least learned to shut my big mouth and just tell my friends hello.

Here's something you can say when people pry that lets you off the hook without having to confront people, on those days that you don't want to:

"Oh, I'm just taking better care of myself: eating right and trying to get enough sleep and living a balanced life. That's more important than the numbers on the scale. How are you doing? You look great!"

Believe me, NOBODY wants you telling them how to balance their life. They'll change the topic faster than a stinky diaper.

I like the sound of Dr. Oz; the advice seems like the kind of common sense that we all know deep down but manage to ignore until someone brings it to our attention.

I got Paul McKennas book a few weeks ago, which also talks about (amongst other things) emotional eating. It becomes such a habit doesn't it? Telling the difference between genuine hunger and feeling crap in one way or another is not so hard once you realise what's going on.

Having said that, sometimes only a doughnut will do, and that's ok too :-)

Katie

Dear Skinny People: If you want to compliment a friend who has lost a boatload of weight, tell him or her, "Hey, you look fantastic!" That way we can convince ourselves that you mean our new hairstyle is really great, or our skin has really cleared up, or our outfit is particularly spectacular. We can pretend that you haven't noticed that we're not Fatty Mobatty anymore. We can believe that it's not all about our weight, which is a hard thing for us to believe, so help us out, wouldja? Thank you! Love, Your Pudgy Friend.

Can you tell I've had some weight issues of my own? I hope that wasn't too subtle. :) Today's post spoke to me, Laurie. You are absolutely right: I add up to much, much more than the "size 18" tag in my jeans. We all do.

((((((hugs))))))

Way to go, you remind me that I do this not to meet others expectations, but to feel better the next time I am at a wedding and I have to be in photos of the family.

We do this for ourselves, and is there anyone more deserving!?!?!
Thank you.

"I may never fit back into my skinny jeans but I will hopefully never have to eat in secret again, or hide myself with my own fat, or hide my vacation pictures, justify my weight to anyone"

AMEN!!

After reading "You on a diet" I discovered that a lot of what was going on in my world was in my head. I stopped "trying to loose weight" and I started to "try to eat more healthy" and the weight seems to be coming off and staying off like never before.....interesting!

Yea for your journey!! You are not alone!

i could not agree with you more. and this is why, when i see someone who has clearly lost weight, all i say is, "you look great."

you amaze me on a daily basis. Can I be your stalker? I am about 3 months behind you ont he thought process but I am keeping steady...

OK - Just read 63 notes all saying how much we love you, and it's TRUE! You're all those positive things and inspiring to boot. The 'problem', Dearling, is not you, it's those who say stupid things. I must admit, I agree with any who suggest a sarcastic answer, passive-aggressive that I am: "Have I lost weight? No, I'm just older". I LOVE that picture - for one thing, that may be as close as I ever get to Paris; for another thing, my first and only thought was "What a dazzling smile!" I always wonder at people who are concerned with other people's weight, color, sexual orientation, religion.....they have empty heads, empty hearts, and waaaay too much time on their hands. I'll add my remarks to the others: YOU ROCK!

This is one area I very strangely rarely notice about people (if they have gained/lost weight). Although if someone I know has lost a significant amount of weight and it's really obvious I will say something like "wow, you look great!" and leave it at that.

Believe it or not people of all sizes get this. I am considered "skinny" and pretty steady with weight, never dieted, always pretty active blah blah but guess what I also get the comments! People sometimes say "have you lost weight?" "you look great!" "are you working out?"and I'll be like huh? wha? No..? Doing nothing new or different...? No idea what's up with that.

I really appreciated this post. I sure could use a knock over the head for the lack of sensitivity I demonstrate some days. I hope I can learn from you to just leave some things alone and let people be. We ARE more than just a size or what we ate that day. Adult education is alive and well!

Many hugs,

Laurie, when I was young, my best friend was my cousin who lived several hours away. We would see each other only a few times a year and we couldn't wait! Except she was really, really skinny, and I was a little bit chubby (at least I thought so) and whenever I found out that we would be seeing each other, I would go on a crash diet so that I wouldn't look so fat next to her. Mind you, you can only lose so much weight in a week, but that didn't matter, the panic set in and I had to pray that pounds would miraculously melt off. It would almost ruin the visit. In time, I realized that it didn't matter that she was a stick and I wasn't and I gradually let that issue go. I'm still a bit heavier than I'd like to be but I'm dealing with it; the irony is that my cousin is nearly twice my size, now. And the beauty of it is that it doesn't faze her in the least. Go figure.

I read your blog every day and I just love you!

The first thing I noticed when I looked at that photo was just how happy you seemed to be there. Even if you say it was Uncomfortable Smile #437. You truly looked happy.

I know it's cliche but true beauty comes from within. I have found that being different in any way can make you the object of people's insults. It took many years for me to get over being the tallest and skinniest girl in school when growing up. Kids can be so cruel. I think we all walk around with our own inner demons.

Oh, honey, I know. I really do. All too well. I applaud you for taking this on!

I'm gonna be blunt; tell people who talk about your weight to fuck off. At the end of the day even the skinniest, poptart eating vodka drinking model can and will still be unhappy with her body if she's not happy with herself. Easy to say, hard to put into practice. You're beautiful, smart and funny as hell.

So I've erased a few lines I put here just because nothing seems right to say. This is probably a good thing, though. It was all about how right you are and how I understand. Of course for me, I'm still at the fat girl stage but hope eventually I'll love myself a little more and let go a little more and just BE. Its all work, right? Its good to see that you are learning to love yourself a little more too. Also, I understand how hard it can be to just say, "thank you."

Your words are going to stick with me. No matter how our weight fluctuates, we are who we are.

Thanks, once again for your poignant post.

*shutting up now*

I completely understand how you feel. I hate it when I see people and want to compliment them on how great they look, while at the same time I don't want them to think I thought they were fat. So in the long run, most of the time, I just keep the comment to myself, or focus on their whole being, rather than "Hey, you're skinny now, where'd your butt fat go?" And I guess I'd want people to do that same for me. It's not the size of our bodies that matter, be they skinny or small.

I think you have a great outlook on things, and I appreciate that you shared about it :) It makes me look at things in a different perspective.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing your journey, your fears, your upside and downside.

I totally get the 'being afraid' thing. Unfortunately, I'm still hiding. I seem to go one step forward and two steps back instead of the other way around...

Strumming my pain with her fingers,
Singing my life with her words....

Why does every woman (and many men) on the planet obsess about this topic? Why does it consume our thoughts and our lives and our entire self-concept, when it has NOTHING to do with what kind of person we are? It makes me fucking insane.

I, too, have had dramatic size swings. I, too, loathe the HOW HOW HOW conversations. These days, if someone persists, I say kindly but firmly, "this is one of my least favorite topics IN THE WORLD. Can we find another one?" Honesty works surprisingly well.

Although I really like the "tapeworms" idea...

Thanks for sharing this. I have a lot to think about with this... and your post came at a great time.

Stunning. I'm not even going to read everyone else's words yet, I simply have to tell you again what an amazing writer you are.

Weight. I was refrigerator-shaped for about ten years and then lost the weight; had to do with wanting to live, the pain of remaining the same finally becoming smaller than my fear of 'what if'. What IF I become my 'best' and it isn't good enough? What IF the feelings eclipse my soul. I'd given that magic poundage such power...like a mirage of perfect life. Anyrate, I became smaller and you are right, all those personal questions came flying at me. I eventually just said things like "getting healthy - just like the books say - exercise, water and good food". The boring response wld stop the questions.

I did/do enjoy the benefits e.g., tying my shoelaces without exhaling all my breath, my knees touch when I sleep at night and pulling on my jeans is a more vertical process :) etc.,

The identify of a heavy, naturally overwhelmed, over-eating person has taken a bit longer to join this new life, but it is happening. This life feels so much more authentic, real and vulnerable - the choices aren't as scary anymore.

Thank you for posting the vacation picture - it sheds a whole new light on this journey you've been writing about and my admiration for you is quantified by light years.

hmmm...just thinking...I bet your parents are thrilled to have you for a daughter. I hope their trip to the coast will be fun.

I have only recently discovered your blog, but I have to say Thank You. For the humor, warmth, and honesty of the voice with which you write.

I have found myself deeply identifying with many of the topics and perspectives you share, and it has been a real gift to know that there are probably LOTS of other women out there who've been where I am-- and got past it-- whatever the issue is. And to have the wry humor of my perspective (or situation) pointed out... and to be able to acknowledge that we DO a lot of hiding our true reactions to holidays or to divorces or to body-image comments because we aren't reacting the way we are "supposed to." But that those feelings underneath-- they are normal, too.

You should bottle this post and sell it, every word is wise.

Like most who have commented you have put into words what I have been feeling but had not identified for decades. Thank you.

Another member of the "Laurie-you-rock" fan club! You rock in size 22 Lane Bryant pants and in size 10 pants from wherever...

I've been though all the things you talked about, and I just want to say thanks for expressing it so well for the rest of us!

When I was first diagnosed with my autoimmune problems ten years ago I was depressed and in a lot of pain. I had gained some weight after having 2 babies in 2 years. I lost about 30 pounds in a few months; I was in very bad shape both physically and emotionally. I was appalled how so many people couldn't see how truly awful I was but always commented on how "great" I looked and wondered if they got "sick like me" if they would end up being skinny, too. I was horrified.

Ten years later I gained it all back and then some. Battling age, medications, early menopause and disease have added up to being about 65 pounds overweight. I feel awful about the way I look and usually cover it up with self-depricating humor and wise cracks. I am very lucky that I have an amazing husband who has never ever made my weight an issue. He's always said that he'd rather see me fat and healthy than skinny and sick. He is truly my angel.

Laurie, you are beautiful. When you're as loving and giving and amazing inside it shines brightly through the outside. You shine so bright that you should be designated as an official star in the sky!

Laurie, you rock! You are a wonderful, and also a very brave, writer. (Not to mention hilariously funny --- have I mentioned I'm jealous of all your wonderfully witty, silly posts?) We all keep coming back to your diary not just to be entertained but because you can teach us something really wise about ourselves, and inspire us.

Your feelings about your weight are the same feelings I have about my skin. When I hear people with beautiful skin talk about their little zits I just want to disappear and hide in my home. All these years of bad skin have left scars that get I to face everyday when I look in the mirror. To be able to take pictures of myself have helped me to feel a little less ashamed of my face. Make-up can hide the scars and discoloration but I would like to have the courage to leave the house without it.

Sometimes I wish we were all blind to the physical looks of others. Some are, that is why I enjoy visiting here. Everybody here is usually nice and understanding. Thanks, I need nice.

HUZZAH! Three Cheers for Laurie! Good for you, girl, for posting the post that we all need the most.

Laurie, I just love you. You're the best. I sure wish that I knew you for real. You make me really think about things.

Hey, how's the weather over there? It is UNcharacteristicly (sp?) FREEZING down here in Florida.

Every time I read your blog, I want to go grab my crochet needle and get started, but I don't ever do it. I think maybe today I might...

That scarf you made is absolutely the most beautiful thing ever. I wish I could make stuff like that really fast so I could sell them, you know what I mean? I figured out how to make little purses one time, but it took like two whole days working at a feverish pace just to make one, so needless to say I just made a couple and gave them to my two daughters.

Have you got a book deal yet?

[creaky voice]Wait until you're my age[/creaky voice]. I'm far from the first to remark that when a woman turns 40 or so, even if she is white and thinnish, she becomes invisible -- so 1) you can dress and eat however the hell you want, 2) the ONLY reason to change eating and exercise habits is because YOU want to, for your own self-satisfaction or health or (as in my case) out of mortal fear of having to buy new pants. (Clothing manufacturers of America: why have you completely forgotten how to make skirts with pockets, with pants headed in the same direction, and why do you not seem to understand that a woman's waist and hips are almost never the same size? Why, why, why? but I digress.) I find it quite liberating.

I did sort of vaguely notice in that picture that you didn't look especially overweight, but my main thoughts were "how can a mirror picture have that much panache, and she may not be able to make socks but DAMN that is a beautiful scarf!"

As for responding to weight/diet queries, you could try telling people you have terminal cancer, but that would be mean, wouldn't it? Probably "just healthy living," followed by a rapid change of subject ("let me tell you about the class I want to take" is a good one) would be a better bet, especially at work.

And 'tis true: you do glow.

Laurie! You are soooo my sister! We could be twins, actually, down to the skinny friends, pants and long blond hair. I am 35 as well and just came to the same realizations that you have. But the pictures that did me in were my wedding photos. I was the dreaded "FAT BRIDE" and the funny thing was I knew for a year up until then that I was getting married, but I was in big fat major denial. There is major heartbreak knowing that I didn't have the courage to deal with this before those photos were taken...

I want the same thing as you - I don't want this to be an issue in my life. It is difficult, even for the most brave person, to endure daily judgments from others. I am so unbelievably sensitive, too, that I have built up some effective defense mechanisms to deflect some of it (humor, being a hermit, dressing in black from head to toe), but it still drains the energy from me and ultimately does more harm than good.

My sister-in-law has had long term success with weight loss and she still struggles every day. I know that this will be my issue every day for the rest of my life. I just think that coming to terms with it is the hardest part because it is a big life change.

I think one of the great things is that when we are successful, we will look back on all of the uncomfortable bits and realize that they were necessary, and we learned something about ourselves from it.

But I will NEVER wear those god-dam-awful-ridiculous skinny leg jeans. So, help me gawd!

I love you, Laurie. I truly do. You are so wise.

yes, over the last five years i have lost 60 pounds. and i did it because school was 1 mile from the train station. and i just felt like eating better. sure, i still go up and down five or so pounds, but i'm steady, which i like. of course i want to be a size smaller or whatever. but i do enjoy myself now, as does my fiance. so we must stop beating up on ourselves! but now even when i feel heavy, people will ask if i have lost more weight and i just say thanks and smile.

This topic hit home. I embraced a much healthier lifestyle about ten months ago and have dropped close to fifty pounds and a bunch of sizes. Mostly because I turned around my lifestyle - I run a lot, walk and hike pretty much every day (dog and baby), and took on a yoga and pilates practice. I was motivated by a bad spine injury to get myself in shape. Then I added on the healthier eating and basically created this whole new lifestyle that is way, way more active and where I take the time to really shop and cook for myself and to eat when I am actually hungry. I also eat stuff that supports my newly active lifestyle.

Anyhooo.... I still feel like the same old fat me. Even though, I bought my first pair of six jeans (I am sure the are totally vanity sized)in my entire life (OK, they are super tight) and wear a whole slew of eights these days- only not on top.

Even though I was just selected to do a little before and after success story thing (I am so not after -I still have 15-30 pounds to lose- trust me when I say that I am heavy for my size)on living healthier - I still feel like that LB girl.

Despite feeling fat, I don't beat myself up anymore. I celebrate eating healthy choices and love that I am eating (essentially Dr. Oz foods) in a healthy, guilt-free and fulfilling manner.

I love that my social life is built around hiking, running, yoga and the like. I am, however, acutely uncomfortable talking about this whole weight thing in non-virtual reality. And its definately arising more and more these days.

I just wanted to say I love your blog. You're so much fun! And so talented.

I have a friend who lost 90 pounds on WW after years of being overweight and she said that she actually loved the compliments that people gave her for losing weight and loved to share with others on how they could do it too when they asked. I always felt like people would be hurt if I DIDN'T compliment them on their hard work??? I wanted to double check with her to see what her thoughts were so I asked her before I posted this.

As for people asking how you do it, I think the reason they ask is so that they can learn from you. People are always looking for help and if they see that something works well for someone, they are hoping that you will share with them. And what a great gift you can give!

Just another point of view. I don't think that people are trying to be hurtful, but supportive and encouraging. I can't speak for everybody who asks and compliments, but that's my "motive" anyway. :)

Of course you are totally on target - what's not to love, admire, empathize with, applaud?

But also... you know where you say "we are all so much more than a number"?

Well, fair's fair. Might that not also be equallly true of Cute Dimply Delivery Guy? Maybe you should have given him a chance.

I am pretty new to your blog, but I am really enjoying it already.

You wrote: "I find it weird to talk about the SIZE OF MY BODY with coworkers."

And I could not agree with you more! I have said this so many times. What people talk to me about is how "slim," "thin," "tiny," whatever I am. And it makes me really uncomfortable. I'll be making popcorn in the microwave and someone will say: "Oh, popcorn. Is that how you stay so slim?" And I'll be like: STOP LOOKING AT MY BODY!

I find this kind of scrutiny overly personal and just...creepy.

Anyway, thanks for writing this blog. I think you're a beautiful person.

Well said! "Thanks" is the perfect response.

Now I feel like a sh*t fo rmentioning the "S" word twice in as many days. I read your blog, because you have a uniquely humorous way of looking at the world - you mad eme laugh about commuting for petes sake! Not because of your diet or lack of a diet or eating healthy or any other - don't most of us eat comments.

Oh I also read because of the cats & the horrorscopes! Keepin it real.

Not too many topics conjure up such strong emotion in women as weight. It's a psychological mindbender, and we all have our our own issues with it, no matter what size each of us is. There have been so many times you've helped the rest of us in working through your own struggles. Thank you.

Laurie,

First and foremost: you rock! I lovelovelove your blog + or - knitting content...

And I identify with so many of your weight issues, and am still trying to work to a place where I am not insulating myself (my reasons are too numerous to count!) But what I wanted to add was my quick funny/troubling story about my weight.

My gf and I had moved out of state for a few years and just moved back to the same town my mom lived in. Anyway, while my gf and I were away we both gained weight (her more than me, funny enough). So one day my mom was talking to our mutual hairdresser and explained to her that, basically, my gf liked her girls big and so had purposefully fattened me up! Like she's a feeder or something! I was so angry and offended, but at the same time I still have to laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing...

And my mom is one of those that always says to me "So, you've lost weight, haven't you?", and my answer is always the same: "Huh, I don't know. Maybe. Probably not."

Thank You.

and yes I agree.

Hi Laurie, long time lurker, first time poster :-D

Wonderful Gorgeous Women the world over ponder this stuff - I've done many a course on it over the years, mostly with friends, but even after all these years and all these courses, we / they still COMPARE and JUDGE them /ourselves against everyone else in order to decimate our / their self esteem. I recently found this info, hope it helps: "How to acknowledge weight loss" http://www.naturalstrength.com/nutrition/detail.asp?ArticleID=244
Blessings Gorgeous Sister Woman xx
Cat :-)

You are wise beyond your years and my heart is very full upon reading your post.

melissa- "Fat Bride", me totally, except all I see is the look in my husband's face, he didn't care. I'll lose the weight when I'm ready, and that's good enough for him.

Laurie- I just finished a book that I have to recommend- it's "Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, has anyone read it? This woman takes a year to go to Italy, India, and Indonesia to get over her trainwreck divorce and learn to like herself again. Best quote? "They've got mosquitoes 'round here big enough to rape chickens!"

Wow. Laurie, you really hit the target there. (
The secret eating bit really tagged me. Um...anyone ELSE suddenly realize that sneaking around into the kitchen to get another bite of cookie/ice cream/brownie and eating it before you get back to the TV with your family might just be...um..HIDING SOMETHING??? (um...here's where I smack my forehead and say "Well-DUH!" to myself).

As for the fielding unwanted-but-well-meant questions, it's tough to walk that line between protecting your privacy and the silence-with-crickets conversational smack-down. Humor works best for me. Like "Gnomes!" (brilliant, Carrie!),"I'd tell you- but my thighs might hear you and want the fat back!" or a straight-faced, "My covenant with Satan forbids me to speak of it." (that last one is funniest with an ultra-conservative in the room!). Then if they press, say, "No, seriously, I appreciate your noticing , but I don't want to jinx my success by talking about it." then ask THEM a question. Usually that last bit will get a sympathetic and supportive response without making the well-meaning dork feel like they should just slink into a corner and die.

Laurie, Laurie, Laurie, you always beat me to the punch! I've been planning out my Monday blog post about a few things I have figured out about myself in the last week, that I should have figured out long ago. But yes, I so agree. Why are we treated so differently based on our weight? If that weren't the case, we would probably be much more comfortable in our own skins and would have much better self images. In high School, when I lost all that weight, I still continued to look in the mirror and see the fat girl. Only now, when I look at pictures of myself back then, do I realize how good I looked (other than the bad feathered back hair and braces), but only maturity could make me see that. Then again, to be honest, I'm scared to death of losing weight this time (which I will!) and still seeing the fat person I have been nearly all of my life. It's scary to not KNOW what it feels like to be of normal size and I honestly have no clue.

I guess it all comes down to wanting to feel good about ourselves, no matter what size we are and I think it is going to take a lot of time for me to work through that. But I'm trying. Thanks for being there with me. It's nice to not feel alone.

AMEN! totally hearing and understanding over here in west hills.

Oh, Laurie! You are awesome!

First of all, I think every woman has photos like that - that's why I am always the one with the camera for the last few years.

Love the "tapeworms" come-back, but I also like your comeback about "not trying to eat my emotions." It's honest and it's more accurate than "Oh, I'm on this or that diet." Of course, Susan's "contract with Satan" lie is good too. If they get offended and accuse you of wanting to keep "the secret" all to yourself, yawn and tell them, "It's BORING to talk about weight! Geez! Only Hollywood poseurs talk about weight!"

Or you could be a smart alec and do this:

Obnoxious Coworker: "My! You look fantastic? Have you lost weight?"
You: "No, why, did you find some?"

OK, you probably would never say that. You Southern ladies have more manners than us Yankee brats.

My Frank lost 80 pounds over the course of a year, and he got LOTS of people commenting on it, which didn't make him feel too bad because he's a guy. But he did feel weird when a woman cornered him and made him write down exactly what he did to lose weight.

One other weird food-related observation: when my former Mother-in-law was just getting to know me, she found out I was a good cook, and told my then husband, "Be careful - if you eat too much of her good cooking, you're going to get fat."

Now, I LIKED my MIL, and my ex- remained 150 pounds the entire 12 years we were married.

So now I'm getting married to Frank and what does his delightful aunt say to him? "You're going to get fat on her good cooking!"

Grrrrrrrrrrr! Not likely, since he helps me decide what to cook and we both want to lose weight!

But what IS that about people???? Sheesh! You'd think they'd be glad their male relative has someone who knows how to boil water!

I am 38 and still stunned by the chubby girl in the photos. That isn't me. Not the me I see in my head. Good for you, loving it all and being comfortable with it. I wish I could just do that.

"I'm happy to finally accept my body at any size"

Bingo.

I'm finally there, too. It's a nice place, I wish more women would visit.

And thank you for writing such a wonderfully witty, heart-felt, honest and open blog. :)

Oh Laurie,
Big hug to you! How did you loose all that weight?
I am DOWN to an 18 right now.....I used to be a 5-7 for most of my life.
Its up to you what size you wanna be but personally I like your size. I mean super skinny waif look is GROSS! You are so right about the motivation thing. When my husband died and I had to move home to moms house with my 3 children she actually said "You know you will never get a husband unless you take better care of yourself. Men like skinny women" It crushed me. I know my mom well enough to know she meant it as constructive critisism but it hurt. The funny thing (funny strange) was that a few months later at the same size I meant a marvelous man who didnt seem to care about anything but who I was inside. January 26th we celebrated 5 years of marriage. I am still large wishing to be small but...it doesn't define who I am.

You know what? I love you. I know how you feel. Very Much So. I had lost about 30lbs and it took me months of being at that size before I would post pictures of myself, much less older pics of me. What would bother me is when people would tell me I wasn't fat. I knew I was fat, and them saying that I wasn't didn't change anything. It didn't help, if anything it made things worse. I finally had to become comfortable with who I was at that weight before I was able to change it. I still have along way to go, both weight wise and confidence wise. You aren't alone, and you aren't doing this alone. Keep it up, and remember, you are doing this for you, not anyone else.

Go on with your bad self. That's all I have to say. Yup, it may be corny, but it is definitely applicable. Love your blog.

I think the mental part of weight loss is almost more difficult than the physical. It's hard to convince your brain that you're not big anymore. Also, with other people commenting on it, it does become such a focus that you wonder "was I really that BIG"?? But good for you for doing something about it when you felt bad. Here's the link to my former weight loss blog http://shrinkslowly.blogspot.com

Hi Aunt Purl! Finally coming out of the shadows to say hello!

Your thread on weight loss sounds so much like me that it's thrown me out of the complacency of lurkdom into the bright lights. You see, I am a veteran of the same struggles you recount now.

One of the things that I learned during my weight loss and that you are clearly grappling with is that despite all protests to the contrary, you don't stay the same. The world treats you differently, but you treat you -and the world - differently in return. As I lost weight, I also lost a lot of my anger and gained a lot of both love and friends to replace it.

That was the scariest part of my weight journey... accepting that a lot of the basic premises of my life were completely off base. I was wrong about how the world works. Once I started relaxing and just accepting the changes instead of being so uncomfortable about them (and trust me, I KNOW what you are contending with right now because I hated discussing my weight too), the weight part of the process became less daunting although the emotional impact of losing weight was harder than I ever imagined it could be. But if I never speak here again, know that for every pound I lost; for every emotional assult I endured; it was worth it in the end. I have more friends now than I know what to do with, and I have a love interest for the very first time in all of my 50 years.

Ok, now you've done it. You've asked me how much I've lost. Let's leave it at well over 200 pounds. If you're really curious, since you confessed that you're a cable weight-loss junkie in a prior post, you may have seen me on Walgreen's Health Corner on Lifetime last month. What I said there stands. This has been the toughest journey I have ever made because it ended up being way more than just weight. But it transformed my life and is definately worth every struggle I endured and continue to deal with.

Fight on, sister. You haven't quite accepted it yet, but you really are doing this for you, not them. I can tell in every post you put on line.

I will join the chorus of commenters who say "You Rock!" - how many hundreds of us (and thousands of lurkers) love you no matter what number is on the tag of your pants! Keep concentrating on "being healthy", mind and body.

I've just gone through my own traumatic experience. My life was spinning out of control, and I was desperately looking for something, anything, to help me before my mind went spinning out of control, too. I was at the library and found a book called "It's a Meaningful Life - It Just Takes Practice" by Bo Lozoff. Well, five hours and 267 pages later I had read it cover to cover and found that really, I already had tools right inside me to battle the chaos. He calls it "spiritual practice: the point of [which] is not to escape pressures or get our minds off our problems... [but] to strengthen our presence of mind right here and now... [to] help us handle what Zorba the Greek called 'the full catastrophe' - anything that comes our way in the rip-roaring roller coaster of life". And that is what I was looking for: calmness, equanimity, a way to quiet my mind so I could feel strong, courageous, and know that I could get through this - or anything.

I just thought I'd suggest the book since it helped me so much.

Once again, you've spoken for so many of us. Whatever your weight, you are a rockstar. Truly. And I hope you'll post your pictures of Paris, because we'd love to see them.

I do agree!! I'm am in the same boat as you and I really understand where you are coming from. Thanks so much for sharing the same thoughts I know alot of women have.

When I first tried internet dating, I would often describe my body as "I am very happy with my body." Many friends who looked at my comment and reacted strangely. They didn't want me to say that in my ad. Personally, I think it's a comment that should describe more women.

It took me so long to be happy with my body, I spent years in middle and high school agonizing over my body and not eating, so I could just get a little bit thinner. And then, after college, I saw some photos of me in high school. I finally saw how pretty I was that whole time and never knew it. I realized that in 20 years I would look back at myself and think how pretty I was now. And that was when I decided I should be happy with myself in the present, not 20 years later after the fact. After the fact happiness combined with self-hate in the present wasn't going to make me happy at all.

So, now I'm happy with me. I like being happy with me, and knowing that when, in 20 yeas, I look back at my photos taken now, I'll know I was happy with me back then too.

It's still hard to be happy with me all the time, but I keep reminding myself, "I'm only going to get more wrinkles, so really, why not love the few I've got now, for just being a few."

It seems like you've been finding your happiness. I'm really glad. Maybe we can help others find theirs, rather than forgetting ours.

Learning how to accept compliments is actually very hard to do for a lot of people for a variety of reasons. I believe it's hard for people who've been brought up to want the best for themselves, while at the same time, not brag about themselves. So that just makes you the result of good parenting!! Yay Mom and Dad!!

laurie, i don't know if you have a scale, but the best thing i ever did was throw mine away. i used to check my weight constantly and if i gained even a pound i would feel angry and sick. then one day i thought, "why am i doing this to myself?" it's been five years since i've known my weight. i even refuse to weigh in at the doctors.( i always get a weird look from the nurse) i know by how i look and feel if i need to lay off the donuts. i would recommend this to everyone.

Laurie,

Thanks for another eye/brain opening post. My "diet"...don't eat crap.

S. in Alaska where it's a scorching hot 20F.

Oh yeah! I agree. I'm a plus size girl and when I started my blog I decided to post pictures of myself, big as I am, and never, NEVER, apologize for my size or shape.

I am also trying to be healthier. I'm proud to say I reached my baby-steps goal last week, which was to get to the gym three times, instead of two. I've decided to extend that little goal to the rest of February. I aim to make it a habit.

Getting healthy is hard work, just realize most comments are made in kindness and keep your eye on whatever goals you have. Each day we conquer an addiction is a plus for our body and our life.
You are a beautiful soul - packaging can change.

Amy hit the nail on the head for me when she said, "Isn't funny the vision you have of yourself looking out and what you "see" when you look in the mirror doesn't match what the camera captures?"

That's me. The body and face I see in the mirror is a different one than people see, when they see me in person. For pretty much my whole grown up life. I've never been a thin adult. From the time I hit puberty I have just been getting bigger every year. Sometimes, no matter what I seem to be eating, not eating, how much excercise I do, etc. (but I'm working on what I *think* is the solution, I just won't bore you with the details).

I don't like what the camera shows, but I think my problem stems from being a bit "too comfortable" in my skin, pretty much the opposite of what most women feel about their bodies.

Many commenters point out a question as to why women's body size is constantly such an issue of discussion? It's because of all the negative connotations that being 'larger' means you lack control of yourself, or of your eating, or that you are less of a person, dumber or less intelligent. Fat people are (it seems) an invisible enemy that people avoid like a disease.

Even though I've always been overweight, seems the last year or so I've noticed more instances when I'm out with people or at group function,s that I go unnoticed, ignored and sometimes even experienced people going out of their way to avoid being around me or talking to me, and for the simple fact that I'm a fatty. I have always had thin, gorgeous friends who when I'm with, do the same things that your friends did in Paris. I tune it out. Sometimes it seems that some people I know, do this almost on purpose (NOTE: not friends, but coworkers or group members), as though they are making me feel bad. I'm bigger than that and could care less about those shallow idiots!

I'm also very aware of the stares and even come-on's, pickup lines, etc. that my thinner chums experience when I'm out and about with them, while I go totally unnoticed and practically ignored. I'm sure it's very annoying for them, but I wouldn't know because it doesn't happen to me, for the most part. I couldn't stop traffic if I laid down in the street.

But enough about me.

YOU are a beautiful lady, inside and out and you *will* get through this! Kudos to you on not only recognizing & accepting your issues and nipping them in the bud, but also on top of it all, having the courage to share how you feel about it! Hot damn, good for you, chick!

Yes Laurie, I agree completely. You are one of the most interesting people I've * never* met and you have a lot more to say and talk about than the size of your thighs, or mine for that matter! That's what I enjoy about the internet: the concept that you can get to know someone not for their physicality, but for who they might be as a person on the inside. And when you posted that picture of yourself in Paris, my first thought was, "She has the nicest smile."

Auntie Purl is wise. Oprah of the blogosphere.

At the risk of sounding like a crazy stalker - I read your blog all the time and I think you are great. I really admire you for taking some negative things that have happened to you and turning them into a chance to learn about yourself. Good for you, girl. You may not think so, but you really know who you are. And you are proud of it.

Laurie- I’m so happy for you that you see how important it is to take care of yourself! The numbers on a scale and a pair of jeans mean nothing when compared to a healthy heart, mind, and soul. When the core of what makes you is whole, you will radiate with some powerful juju like a beacon of light, chicky poo! That beacon will draw all levels of goodness to you (and yes, the occasional weird guy on the bus, but oh well, such is life)!

When people pay you a compliment, I agree with your friend to simply say, "Thank you." It all depends on your perspective- if someone pays you a sincere compliment, think about what else is behind those words: the intention to make you smile, to give you encouragement, to show support, to be happy for you. Since we don’t wear signs showing our HDL and LDL levels and blood pressure, your appearance is really one of the few things a person sees. Personality is what counts, but since you’re obviously funny, kind, and cool, people you run into won’t comment on what has always remained constant in you. Ha- which would you prefer: "Wow- you look great! Did you lose weight?" or "Wow- you’re not a bitch anymore. Did you have a near-death experience?"

I think sometimes people want details on your weight loss because they are looking for answers for themselves. Chances are they aren’t happy with how they look either (no matter what their weight is). In this case, their compliment is a little sad since they have yet to adopt a healthy attitude towards their bodies and the fuel they put in it.

You’ll find healthy ways to deal your emotions and your anxiety- look at how far you’ve come! You have a wicked and sick sense of humor- that alone gives you an advantage! Your sense of humor (and your cats) are what caught my attention when I found your blog in December. I came for the knitting, but I stayed for the twisted mind that is Laurie! Keep on truckin’ sistah!

I also get the "OMG, You've lost weight" from certain people EVERY time I see them. Sometimes I say no, I haven't lost weight, but I appreciate their dellusional thinking. Sometimes I say thank you, you're very kind. But, my all time favorite response was, at the time, the truth since I had gone through a particularly icky heartbreak, which no one ever wants to hear: "I stopped eating."

You've gone from a 22 in that pic to an 18 in your more recent pic, you're doing good. Be proud of yourself...all of us in cyberspace are!

You are a fantastic writer! More than a wordsmith, you are willing to be so totally yourself in your posts. Thank you for that.

It may not seem like it, but not everyone sees weight, and not everyone considers other people's weight to be their business. The people who comment on your weight loss are probably fixated on their own issues; they're thinking of themselves when they're asking about you. But there must be people in your life who are saying nothing. Think of them, and know that your size is not important to them. (I looked at that picture of you with your friends and scrutinized all your hairstyles -- that's MY issue.)

Also, gnomes, tapeworms, and sparkly red shoes are great retorts. When someone asks me a Really Inappropriate Question, I look in their eyes, pause, and say, "Pardon Me?" Usually they realize it's not something they should have said, let alone repeat; others require a few "Pardon Me?"'s to finally get the picture: I can't believe you asked it, and no, I'm not going to answer.

It has been said, but you do rock. Keep on writing!

I agree and they will stop talking about your weight and how you lost it after a while.

When I go back to my Maker, I hope to be remembered as someone who was kind and fun to be with-- a good daughter, mom, granny and friend. Not whether I was at my "perfect" weight or up a few pounds.

Oof. Since I blog about dancing, not posting pictures of myself is not an option. But sometimes I feel just awful looking at them. And the worst part is that I know that I look way lumpier in photos than I do in person. No matter what I'm doing, the picture always gets taken at the most unflattering moment possible. So I end up looking at these pictures and fighting with myself about whether or not I *really* look that bad.

Worse than people asking you about your 50-pound weight loss---much worse---is their NOT asking you about it. It means, to my mind, that not only were you invisible then, you're invisible still.

Like everyone else commenting, I'd like to say thank you so much for saying what's on your mind (and on a lot of other people's minds from the look of things). I've been a big gal from a very young age, and the overwhelming societal emphasis on body image has always struck me as utterly pointless given that no one aspect truly defines a person. My whole existence isn't bound up by the fact I'm really white with scads of freckles or that I can't whistle a note or that I'm from the South with the accent to prove it. I refuse to be just a number on a scratchy tag and I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who've gotten to know me as a human with depth, ability, and character.

When I saw your vacation picture, I automatically noticed your smile (and the squinchy eyes of a big, cheesy grin--too cute by far). Of the four, you're the only one that seems to be half-way enjoying yourself. No matter how thin the woman on the far left is, that grumpy look is what stands out to this casual observer.

Being happy, healthy, and well-adjusted is what growing as a person is mostly, if not totally, about and I'm glad when more people see it takes a long process of changing the negative thoughts/habits for more positive ones but it's worth the effort. Thank you for speaking frankly and encouraging us all with these snapshots of your life.

Yes, we agree, you are wise beyond your years, and really when people are being rude with the questions, it is just best to say "thanks" and change the subject. Any one who doesn't get their faux pas at this point is not the kind of people we should be hanging out with any way. *sniff*

Very eloquently and bravely put. And I can so thoroughly relate. In my past I had a dramatic weight loss after an extended period of just eating better and moving more, and had to endure the humiliating awkwardness of the up-down body eye-balling that pauses at the hip area, while they ask the intrusive questions. Never did figure out how to handle that.

Clue us in when you figure out what to do with the once-overs and the questions, and most especially the emotions, because that's a secret for the ages....

Thanks again for livin' out loud.

I like Big Butts and I cannot Lie!!!

Do you think Rubens painted those ladies cuz they were ugly - I don't think so.

The only good reason to lose weight is to be healthier but remember ladies - healthy does not = skinny (ask Dr. Weil.) Personally - if the whole world looked like a Cosmo mag I'd want to take m'self out! A beautiful woman loves herself period and it shows (just ask Dimples.) There's something wrong with this pretentious culture we live in (esp. southern Cal. from what I understand.)I personally have never looked so ridiculous as I did at my skinnyest - head on legs with a giant nose - some of us need a little chubby to feel beautiful. Be healthy, be happy and strut that weight if ya have it. That's it- back to the cab.

Laurie, I think you're awesome and always beautiful, regardless of size, and I want you to know that you've inspired me to undiet, too (thats what I'm telling myself... I'm not dieting, almost nothing is forbidden, I am just choosing to take better care of myself). Someone actually told me today "wow, you're not chubby anymore!" and I almost cried! Whats working for me is stuff incentive, like I bought myself a klean canteen to get myself to drink more water, and I bought myself a gym bag to get me to go to the gym... not the most responsible method, I know, but it's working for me... that, and I'm keeping a food and activity journal, nothing I'll let anyone else lay they're hands on, but it forces me to be accountable to myself... Enough about weight, though! I wish you could see yourself they way we, your loyal readers, see you. If you could, I'm sure you'd never feel bad about yourself again.

Sometimes the best judge of where we are is to let friends tell us. I have had to learn to take them at word value. After many months of berating myself and not "seeing" the results, a doctor finally told me that no matter how much weight I lost, I would still see myself at my heaviest. Therefore, I had to learn to take my most trusted friends words. If they said I looked fine, then fine it was. My eyes are warped when I look at myself.

A lot of friends have this habit of checking out about weight/thinness when we meet again after sometime. It irks me - why are they so shallow? Being thin/fat is not an indicator of cool.

The best approach would be to love yourself and motivate yourself to be healthy and happy. :)

Yes. I know exactly what you mean about certain comments sending making me want to run for the cookies. Why do some of us feel compelled to treat ourselves in a way we would never dream of doing to a friend or family member?

You know what's worse than hiding photos of yourself? When you realize your parents and grandparents have photos of everybody on their walls and shelves, except for you. Because your fat embarrasses them and/or they don't want to look at photos of you as a fat adult. Oh they do have some photos of me, from when I was a skinny child. But look, there are numerous photos of my brothers and their thin wives... sigh.

I've lost 40 pounds in the last 6 months but I have a LONG way to go. I'll know I've "made it" when my mom puts my photo in a frame. :\ This makes me really sad, but the truth is... I don't want them showing photos of the current me either, so I don't make a fuss about it. I hate this.

you've hit the nail on the head again - it's all about a mental change and doing it for YOU rather than for anyone else - getting healthier that is, and if you drop a few dress sizes at the same time, well then that's all well & good.

I hate pictures of me - the irony being that when I was skinny I thought I was fat and hated pictures of me then too. Then I realised there's about 10 years of my life where it looks like I'm absent as I'm not in any photos (I always offered to take them), so made a decision to stop dodging the camera, and now just dodge looking at the resulting photo - I'll get over that eventually too.

Let's face it, none of us will ever be exactly the same shape/size we were aged 18 - but with any luck we won't have the body issues/neediness/self-harming/insert-problem-here we had back then too.
I love your blog!

fat = invisible

I know.

WOW...was Paris almost a year ago?? Have I been stalk....er...reading you THAT long???
wow

I wonder if that guy has forgotten how you attacked him??? (I'm from L.A.!!!) hahahahahaa

That is such an insightful post. I also struggle with similar issues and when my skinny friends go on about how fat they are I just want to tell them to shut up already. Hug xx

I admit it I noticed something but I wasn't sure if you lost weight. I didn't want to say anything for the reasons you posted. (Also, I admit it was kind of a selfish thing, because yours truly is wearing the fat jeans post-baby and I loathe talking about dieting right now.)

Faith is indeed wise: say thanks, enjoy the compliment and turn the conversation back to them and non-diet related topics... Which, in this town, is tough as it's almost as common as chatting about traffic.

Evan sends a big drooly kiss!

YOu are so right - people are more than just a dress size. As a UK 18 ( and 5ft tall) I can relate to everything you have said about weight. I am seriously worried about the perception of young girls these days that you have to be thin, really thin. I work in the education sector and it frightening the number of girls that we are seeing with eating disorders. I know these aren't only brought on by the dieting culture, but it is the thin end of the wedge.

I am so not talking about weight.

I just wanted to mention that I have spent the last 3 days reading every post in your blog. [I have Drew to 'thank' for this.]

And what I want to say is this:

You have grown. [Not weight. I'm not talking about that.]

You have branched out.

You have reached out.

You are learning things about yourself.

There are people who love you.

There are people that YOU make laugh. Who NEED that laughter. [Maybe that's me. I'm just saying. Heh.]

Taking pictures of your divorce papers 'out having a day' was pure genius. Really. Absolutely hysterical and there is now cola all over my keyboard.

I have four cats. I understand perfectly. My evil cat also has many names. Catzilla is his main one. You do the math.

I LOVE pictures.

Not a knitter here, a crocheter. But we are 'fiber artists'. You can talk hats, I'll talk doilies.

And you are spectacular. Remember that.

Chin up, and pour me some of that wine...

I will say, the first thing I thought was not about your weight (although I was terribly impressed with the openness (is that even a word?) you had in talking about something painful to you. )

(yes, I write with parentheses in parentheses. I'm bad that way. Oh God, I'm doing it again!)

I have always thought about how honest and dare I say funny you were on a blog that is so viewable to so many people. I find it both enlightening and amazing!

I will say, the first thing I thought was not about your weight (although I was terribly impressed with the openness (is that even a word?) you had in talking about something painful to you. )

(yes, I write with parentheses in parentheses. I'm bad that way. Oh God, I'm doing it again!)

I have always thought about how honest and dare I say funny you were on a blog that is so viewable to so many people. I find it both enlightening and amazing!

girl, i hate it that in our society that we comment only on weight loss!!!

i myself am a yoyo girl. i go up and down 20-40 pounds every year or so. i want people to just shut the fuck up and say something that matters.

sigh.

i'm planning my first trip to Paris in June. any tips for swampgrrl?

I feel a little similar when someone comments about how good I look lately.

I've been a big girl for awhile (250) and only recently started to lose weight. (down to 229) Altho, the reason why I've started to lose weight isnt because I'm dieting...I just got diagnosed with an incurable neurological disease. It took the entire fall to get diagnosed and during that time I was a bit...stressed out.

So, I'm pretty sure I finally started losing weight because of the stress of all my health problems.

What pisses me off is that when I tell someone that I have (neurological condition) they look at me like I've sprouted 10 heads and say "are you sure? You look SOOOO GOOOOOOD!"

It makes me want to borrow my mom's walker and beat them to death with it. Yes, I might not look sick on the outside, but inside, I'm numb, in pain, and my body keeps twitching and wont let me sleep...and we wont go into the potty issues.

It was annoying before that diagnosis to have people tell me that I need to lose weight, and now it's annoying that they're complimenting me on finally losing weight.

I wasnt worried before about losing weight, but I am now. I was happy the way I was before I developed (neurological condition). I'd rather be my chunky self and not sick, than be my newly lighter self and numb and twitching all the time.

My size never bothered me before, except when people brought it up. I was always polite and never pointed out how rude they are to be commenting on things that arent their business.

I wish you luck in everything.

I agree that at any size you are beautiful. Inside and out!

I agree 100%. I find I do better when I stop obsessing about a scale number, eat healthy and work out moderately. That way, I can enjoy my life and not worry about a number.

I'm never going to be a size 4 again, but I'll never have an eating disorder again, either - so I'm happy with that.

Faith's right - just say "thanks" and move on, and if they want details, just