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January 26, 2007

I'm working toward an awkward trifecta. Apparently.

Last night was the West Hollywood Stitch 'n Bitch, and Faith somehow got suckered into picking me up downtown and chauffeuring me to and fro, which was exciting because it's only January and this makes my second Stitch 'n Bitch! Yay me! Go hermit power! Wonder twins activate... form of: WINO KNITTER!

Also, on a side note, I only have one financial goal in life and that is to one day have enough money to just have someone drive me places. This may not actually take very much money. I should probably investigate. Right now I have a chauffeur known as "the bus" but unfortunately I can't seem to talk my current driver into taking me to my house, or to the post office, and also sometimes my ride sort of smells.

Anyway, last night's Stitch 'n Bitch was more awkward than others because there was this weirdo talking all the time who also had flop sweat. Three guesses who. What is funny about all this is that had I been someone else, listening to the dumb stuff coming out of my mouth, I mean ... someone else's mouth... I would have thought it was hilarious in a train wreck way. Then I would have of course found a new knitting group.

I blame this almost entirely on the fact that I was seated near four new people who I had never met and who were new-ish to SnB and so of course they didn't talk a lot and you know what happens when you combine awkward silence and me, right? Because having not harnassed the power of constructive shutting up, I just talk NONSTOP for THREE HOURS. This is merely a statistically accurate sample:

New Girl: I find yoga relaxing.
Me: I can't do yoga in Los Angeles.
New Girl: Why?
Me: Oh, I already went to pretty much every yoga place in the city and I am not welcome back.
New Girl: ...?
New Girl: Why?
Me: Well you know how in yoga people relax and flex stuff and use new muscles, right? And always always in the middle of the relaxing? Someone farts? And I laugh. Out loud. A lot, because apparently I am five and farting is still really funny ... to me. But not to people in Los Angeles, they take their downward dog super seriously.
New Girl:

(awkward silence)

New Girl: What are you making?
Me: Um. Another scarf.
New Girl: Pretty yarn!
Me: Thank you. [knows now is the time to stop talking] [cannot control mouth] I made up this very complicated stitch pattern because that's kind of how I roll you know. Basically, you do the knit stitch for one whole row... THEN YOU PURL.

(awkward silence)

New Girl: So you won't go to a gym because people sweat on the equipment? But aren't you supposed to sweat at a gym?
Me: Uh. Yes?
Me: Except you know I can't sit on something that had someone else's bodily water on it.
New Girl: Yeah, but people are supposed to wipe off the equipment when they're done using it.
Me: AHA!!! They wipe it off with the same towel they use to wipe their sweaty little faces! They are not disinfecting, merely spreading the sweat around.
New Girl: Uh... okay.
Me: Why? Do you think that's weird? I mean that's actually one of the more normal of my issues. That's not even the tip of the weirdness iceberg!

(awkward silence)

So, obviously, they will never return. But I tried to offer a ray of shining hope at the end of the evening by assuring them I pretty much never come on Thursdays since I have to work and commute and also tend to the voices in my head. Hi!

In case you were wondering, here is the magic stitch I invented:
Behold... um, stockinette.

It is really pretty yarn! I bought it while pre-shopping in preparation for my three months of no spending. See even crazy people have moments of brilliance. Anyway it is made by a company called "Rio de la Plata" I think, and it is 100% wool.

(it's longer than this now)

On a happier and less awkward note, I got nominated for some kind of award! The best part of this and what secretly made me SO HAPPY is that they do a little tiny picture of your website by your name, and GUESS WHO is in the picture? Guess who got her little furry dictator self right on the internet?


Do you think there is a prize if I win? Because I hope that the award is a chauffeur. A really hot one named Raoul. Then I could got to Stitch 'n Bitch every Thursday and scare off more new people. Wonder Twins Activate.. form of: yoga fart.

Because seriously, there is nothing funnier than a grown man farting in yoga class. NOTHING, I TELL YOU.

Posted by laurie at January 26, 2007 12:23 PM