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January 12, 2007

I hate change.

This is not a divorce column, it's just a life dilemma. I do hate change. I hate how you stay the same, or maybe even go through a difficult period (a loss, a death, a life shift, an illness) and emerge out the other end of this thing stronger, maybe more yourself than ever, and yet things around you change just when you got your bearings straight again.

My dad says the only thing you can depend on in this life is change. I mostly want to strangle him when he says that, but I love him so I don't. Also, he's kind of hitting proverbial nail on metaphoriacal head with that one. The only thing you can count on is change. And taxes.

It isn't easy, this path we're on. All of us.

How do people go through life changes with grace and class? Do they secretly drink a lot in the closet while we aren't looking? I wish I could give up my own personal challenge to God, but I am a control enthusiast, I need to craft a plan, write through it, make a list. Does God make lists?

I am alone a lot. I can make connections with people on paper, in words, but in person it is a real struggle for me. My parents are coming out here sometime in the next month or so and I am ready ready READY and excited and I cannot wait until they get here, I just want to see my dad and hug him and I miss him so much it hurts. I want to hang out with my folks and just chitchat and carryon and have cocktails and see them, people who know me (all of me) and love me anyway.

I know I have come so far from where I was two years ago and that's good, a reminder that I can handle change even though I absolutely do not want to thankyouveryuch, but change is really incredibly scary sometimes. You feel up-ended, surprised even if you saw it coming.

No solutions here, just writing it down because I need to tell someone. I hate it when things I liked, felt comfortable with, change on me. I'm not that graceful at handling it. I know I should be kind, but sometimes I want to be selfish and say, "STOP! STOP CHANGING! I just got used to this!"

Posted by laurie at January 12, 2007 9:54 PM