Wow. That just banged me right over the head.

Thanks.

YES!!!!! EXACTLY!

I love this, Laurie. Every word.

Laurie,
I've been reading your blog for a long time and never, ever comment, but today's blog made me feel really happy for you. Your "not dieting" plan will undoubtedly work much better than any diet, and I've found myself that making small changes to my life ends up leading to larger overall changes than trying to go all out in an unsustainable way.
Small change #1 for me in 2007: comment on blogs I like!

I've been reading for ages and not commenting as well. But I'm so happy for you! In all my life I'm almost positive I haven't been on a diet. I don't think you can call anorexia a diet but that's neither here nor there. I eat what I want, when I want... it's not always healthy, but it is for the most part. Hey, I was vegetarian for 2.5 years, I can manage anything LOL
But this is what more people need to realize. I want to strangle all those calorie counters (did I just say that out loud?). I may not quite have my size 5 pre-pregnancy body back yet, but darnit I'm only 25 and this is a whole new year (let me not mention that my son is turning 3 on Wednesday haha).
I love you Laurie!

*Stands up and cheers and then gives you a hug*

Perfect, dear. This is simply perfect. I see really good things for you this year. You're on the right path!

Continuing to cheer for ya!

This made me teary. Granted, Aunt Flo just visited and she makes me weepy, but still. A friend once told me that I'd be able to lose my weight when I could get my head around the idea. I think you may have just helped me start to do that. Thank you!

*Stands up and cheers and then gives you a hug*

Perfect, dear. This is simply perfect. I see really good things for you this year. You're on the right path!

Continuing to cheer for ya!

Laurie, you are such a good cook...I mean you told me (us) how to make fried chicken... I know fried chicken isn't the healthiest thing there is, but, face it, you know how to make things taste good... healthy things, too. And you live where you can get interesting ingredients and good produce (well maybe not so much the citrus now) so maybe you should embark on some fun and healthy cooking. I've tried and it's hard for just one person, but it can be rewarding. I've just started on some medications that will probably cause weight gain and I'm really worried about that so I am trying to eat more healthy myself without making myself
anorexic. I'm with you on that.

This year I made a resolution for myself - to find balance. And its so similar to what you say here. Its not about auditing your performance on a blow by blow basis but on an overall sense. Bringing things back in when they get a little too far out but liking yourself enough to cut yourself slack.

Good luck and I hope you feel better on the inside as a result!

By the way, did you get snow?

No snow in the valley or downtown, but we tried ... it was COLD!

I feel like I have spent my whole life on a diet to meet someone else's expectations. I just want to learn how to be normal. I know that in itself sounds crazy.

It's like I forgot eating was something natural we did to replish our bodies. And I'm so very tired of not being good enough, on anyone's diet. I'm exhausted of dieting. I'm trying to find my own personal "good enough." It is sometimes terrifying.

I think that THIS is what I needed to hear.

Once upon a time, my kidney died. It was one I had gotten from my mom when I was six because my original ones died. I felt sick all the time and I remember being astounded that right after my second transplant, I was 114 pounds. It was the scariest thing in my life to be THAT light. I'm only 5'2" so I was just a little underweight then but I've bounced back. I'm...MUCH more than that now.

And now, I'm done being so large. I'm done giving into my cherry cordial Hershey Kisses cravings and giving into One More Row-itis while the treadmill goes on ignored in the basement.

We have the right to be happy with who we are. And as you said, it's a choice. We need to choose to do right by this life we're given, by this body we inhabit.

So rock on, Purly girly. Let's be happy.

First of all: I so totally share your obsession with the 740-pound shar-pei faced women who, after some surgeries, emerge from under the knife as taut-as-plastic Barbie. And I've been there, as well, a serial dieter finally building up the fat as an insulation--against a dysfunctional relationship. I think it's important not to see food as a weapon, against oneself or other people, but to see it from a more radical perspective: As a way of nourishing the body with good, clean stuff to make it stronger and healthier. Hence: SUPER CONGRATS on ditching the junk food and making your own lunches! Oh, and when I grow up, I want to be like you: Step on the scale just once a month (sheesh, even the thought of that right now sends chills down my weight-obsessed spine). You're my hero!

What an awesome post. Your words ring true to many women out there who find themselves struggling with the same issue - myself included. And I think your approach is a healthy one - focus on the good you're doing for your body, not for some arbitrary milestone (e.g. fitting into this dress by this date). Brava!

Anyhoo. I'm pretty new to your blog. Love it!

Oh dear Lord what an idea! I LOVE IT!!! I don't have to loose X ammount by such and such a date?!? WOW!

I get so obsessed with looking good enough to wear an outfit in time for an event that it is all or nothing. Which usually translates to nothing. And then I hate myself just a little more.

I do believe I shall try your plan of a little is better than nothing. And I bet that all of that little will add up to a whole lot of good.

=)

Good for you! It seems like you are really getting back to you now and taking care of you so I say "You Go Girl!" (yeah, pretty lame saying but I wanted to cheer you on)

You are beautiful, witty, and smart. And this is no dress rehearsal, it's your life. Congrats on deciding to live it.

"You become bigger, yet somehow more invisible." It was that line that made me tear up. I share your feelings and also have that insulating layer except mine's been there since I was 10 years old. Long story and yet not a 740 lb one. ;)

I too bought the Dr. Oz book but have only skimmed it. Time to put the yarn down and pick up the book.

You on a Diet is a pretty interesting book. I'm glad you are already seeing benefits from living a healthier lifestyle. I get what you mean about knowing all the right things to do but not doing them. I recently heard someone speaking about weight issues who mentioned something about this. The person said that many times we know what to do, but lack the self esteem to do it.

I really think you're onto something. And I know that you will find a happy HEALTHY Laurie by taking care of yourself, by lavishing yourself with thoughtful good food (instead of fast "comfort" food-voids.)
And I can't promise or predict, but I'd be willing to be a whole lotta yarn that you'll turn around and find yourself thinner and fitter than all the other diets combined.
Thank you for being inspiring!

Balou -- it's not a *great* book, just a ... book. But at least it got me thinking, "What is good for my intestines? For my liver?" I'm better when I think of my body as these organs sustaining me, rather than just this thing I'll get around to later.

And the ONE reason I loved that book? Dr. Oz says losing weight is not about dieting -- it is about 100 calories a DAY. That seems like maybe the only do-able thing I can do :) 100 calories? For a lifetime dieter that is small potatoes (literally). It makes it seem manageable. Normal. Just part of life. That's what I needed.

And funny, I was so scared to post this "out loud." Thanks for your nice words. I hate talking about my weight, it feels so embarrassing.

i've been fat for awhile now. lessie. since the ubersuck struck...six years? only, i think i made a deal with myself, 'cause i've been okay with it.

lately i've been so darn happy that i've decided i should be all hot and sexy too. i just can't hide the hot and sexy i've got hiding 'round here any more.

i read that post you made not long ago about dr. oz. and then i saw him on the oprah show ('cause i'm all mom at home watching oprah these days) and i thought...that purl...she sure has a good idea there.

and so? just this very day? uhm...about five hours afore you posted? i bought myownsef a copy of the book. i can't wait to notdiet, too.

maybe i should take some discovery channel worthy before pictures...

I'm ok on the food side... but I used to get all all-or-nothing about working out. Three weeks ago, I started a couch-to-5k running plan that only involves half an hour 3 times a week. I told myself that all I have to do is do those 3 little half hour workouts on schedule. I don't have to live at the gym, or feel bad if I dont. Lo and behold, I have stuck to my plan for three solid weeks, which is pretty awesome.

Ah, Dearling! A great salute to you. That's what you call "right thinking". Your perception is incredible always, and in one so young! Another bit, which is not *advice* but which I have found very pleasant: eat more slowly, and relish every bite. Someone told me that, NOT as a weight-loss thing, just as a healthy thing to do, and you know - it makes a meal much more enjoyable, whatever it is. In the 15th century, the height of fashion was to be heavy, plump, rotund, "Ruebenesque". Of course, food was sparse, hard to come by, available only to the upper classes in quantity. Now, we have fresh food available to us year-round in great quantity, and fashion (!) is to be so painfully thin as to emulate death. Go figure!

I threw over any concept of "fashion" years ago...I do not dress traditionally at all, and I look like ME. I really enjoy my meals, and you know, I'm a healthy weight (I'm also 4'11", so it'd be way unhealthy to be very heavy.) I quit dieting too (what a depressing thing that is to do) and when I quit caring, I lost some weight.

I've never seen you, Dearling, but I can tell you that you're BEAUTIFUL, because like fresh tangerines, it's what's inside that's fine. I'm old and can tell you from the vantage point of Advanced Age that those are not empty words: cleverness, humour, perception and kindness are the elements of beauty. (And loving cats is a plus too!)

Also from my Advanced Age: people's OUTSIDES are irrelevant, be they wide or narrow, tall or short, black, white, red or yellow (or any combination thereof). When all of *them* realize that, it'll be a better world.

You thought YOU were wordy? You've done a lot of people a great service today, Dearling. Keep marching on! Now, where did I put my knitting???

I'm glad that you're doing this and already feeling better, and I hope that things keep progressing!

I hope you keep posting about how you're doing with it, too. When I got out of the hospital after my brain surgery, I was down to 72 lbs. I'm 5'4. I've been sick ever since, which makes it so hard to take the time to eat properly, which I'm guessing you probably know all about. A year later I'm up to 85 lbs. You have no idea how much I hope that hearing you talk about how good you feel will help me with my weight problem too - because it is a problem.

Thanks Laurie.

Hurrah! Someone who makes sense! You have the right attitude in how to view food and exercise: to get yourself healthy. Diets are crazy. Eating whole foods and exercising regularly is so much better...ho ho, if you start eating more stuff like beans, you'll be farty, but don't give up! Think of it as jet propulsion for your walks.

But I digress.

Ignoring diets and just taking care of yourself is the smartest decision you could make for your health. Going on a diet is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg.

And by the way, Iove love love love LUURRRRVVVV your blog! LAHVE EET! I found it last month while looking for knitting blogs and you are even better than Cartoon Network! You supply me with things I that make me happy: knitting, cats, and a twisted sense of humor. All I need to make my life complete is Aragorn giving me a back rub. woo.

amen.

Hooray for you! And I KNOW what you mean about insulating yourself with da pudge.

I never could diet. Never could do the Diet Coke and Salad for lunch. Or the Slim-Fast or other diet du jour. I feel like I am missing some female gene on one of my chromosomes or something.

But I wanna hear more about the aggressive men you've encountered and how that made you feel and how you dealt with it!

I've commented once or twice but I feel like a weird stalker. You see, its sometimes surreal to think that I see new posts by you on bloglines and I read these things about your life. So I feel that I know you sort of then I realize. "Hey, jackass, she has no idea who YOU are." So, I feel weird commenting.

I just want you to know that I truly appreciate all your posts. You're so freaking funny and often I forward links to posts to my husband. Then you get all serious and it makes me value your posts even more. You often say what so many women are thinking/feeling and you do it in such a way that make us laugh and be able to laugh at ourselves (I ADORED your "hairstory").

About the weight. I thought it funny that you mentioned your weight being padding. Have you read anything by Louise L. Hay? She talks about weight being padding/protection. And how we become insecure about our weight and how we need more padding because of it. Vicious cycle. A lot of what I've been reading is about being happy now because otherwise you'll just be waiting for the next anything before you decide to be happy. This has been huge for me and its funny how when you're learning about stuff you see other people learning the same stuff and it makes it ring that much more true.

Anyway... thanks for this blog.

Dieting is a "quick" fix and doesn't usually work. I am proud that you are open about your eating. A lot of women have the same problem, myself included, but we don't talk honestly about it. It is as if it doesn't exist. I know I have a few pounds that I could lose but, I just don't want to diet either. So I am trying to eat healthy, stay away from ice cream, which is my downfall. And walk more.

thanks so much for giving us a peek into your personal paper diary! boy do i know from this subject.

plus, i really think you're on to something with the health-centric changes, rather than the goal-oriented, do or die approach. but what a massive change of mindset it requires for us list-maker types :(

anyhow, i wanted to ask you a question about the logistics of bringing your own lunch. did you have to get out of the habit of going out to lunch with work friends? that would be the toughest part for me.

ooh, also: I have a book recommendation for you. It's called _The Velveteen Principles, A Guide to Becoming Real_ by Toni Raiten-D'Antonio. Maybe it's because the Velveteen Rabbit is my favorite children's book, but boy is it good (so far).

hugs to you and the kitties!!

Sweetheart,
could you try out the possibility that you are perfect the way you are and if you want to do something different that's ok but your already beautiful, and perfect.

xoxox,
Amy

Hooray for you! That's a HUGE epiphany (hey- an epiphany during epiphany!) and I'm proud of you!
I have a dear friend who's a therapist, and she says the exact same thing about extra weight--it's like an invisibility cloak and "It's not me, its the fat" insulation at the same time.
Another book I've heard good things about (I just ordered it off of Amazon) is "Body Clutter" by the lady and the nutritionist behind Flylady.com. I'll let you know how it goes.
And Laurie- while you and I BOTH know that being over a size 10 is tough in Los Angeles (why lie?)- the best thing is that YOU ROCK --and everyone who meets you online or in person knows it. You deserved the time in extra insulation to sort stuff out- and now that you're really ready, it'll just start to fall away as you treat yourself like the treasure you are. Never forget that you are loved.

You always seem to hit exactly how so many of us are feeling. I was always the skinny hot one. I didn't realize how much of my self esteem was tied into how I looked, until I got one of those Depo shots and ballooned up over 60 pounds. In an effort to lose the weight, I too have tried all the diets you mentioned. And have just in the last month decided we (my whole family and I) were going to eat 'heathy', and not diet.

I love your willingness to share your intermost thoughts and feelings with us. I always end up saying, damn she's so right on.

We love you Laurie. You inspire us all.

Isn't it crazy that people who want to be normal feel crazy? You're not crazy and this sounds like an excellent non-crazy plan. Living in LA especially makes it difficult, I wasn't strong enough to get off the food insanity merry go round until I was well out of the area.

Best of luck.

What oft' was thought but ne'er so well expressed.

and I LOVE Discovery Health Channel; Dr G: Medical Examiner on Fridays, Mystery Diagnosis- fun!

Hooray for NOT dieting!!! That's the answer. I treat eating disorders and weight management and you have hit the nail on the head! There is a good workbook since you like to read and write lists called the Don't Diet, Live It! workbook that touches on many of the things that you brought up. And you are right, most people who struggle with weight are experts when it comes to food which proves it has really nothing to do with food - good luck in your journey!

Long-time lurker, first-time poster.

Wow. Separated at birth? Discovery health is like my favorite channel of all time. I can't stop watching. Every time Jackie's story comes on, I'm there.

I decided to lose weight last year. I just wrote junk food out of my life and started walking 30 minutes a day. That was it. Oh, and try weighing yourself every day -- once you get used to the normal day-to-day fluctuations, it makes it easy to track how you're doing.

I started taking a daily walk, for all the good reasons and discovered a new opportunity to bond with my dogs. Now I go every day just to be with them!

Faithful lurker.

Hope I don't end up anonymous again - the name is Bess, like the queen.

Great post. I recently heard an author interviewed (her book is This Year I Will:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780767920087 )
about New Year's resolutions. You hit on her most important point: giving up the all or nothing. If you can say that you ate better last week than you did the week before (or the year before), you have succeeded, even if you didn't eat perfectly.
If you walked 30 minutes only once last week, but it was more than the week or year before, you succeeded.

Congratulations on your new outlook. The melting pounds will be a side effect of a healthier lifestyle, not the goal.

I have recently come to a realization similar to yours. I have been everywhere from too thin to extremely overweight. Right now I am somewhere in between. I would like to be thinner, but more importantly, I would like to be healthier. I want to be around to see my kids all grown up. In order to do so, I need to start building healthier habits. In turn, I think this will result in a happier me!

Have enjoyed reading this post so much ! You've really managed to sum up so many of the feelings we (women) have about our bodies.It's sometimes difficult to grasp that food is good for us,when the cult of THIN is given to be the answer to all our problems.Now you own your body , I hope you enjoy what you eat....I will aim to follow your example.

Just loved it. Got every word. Been right there, AM RIGHT THERE - You are a Lovely lovely person. THANKS

I was so happy to read this because it reminded me of one of the happiest times of my life. Having been bullemic and OBSESSED with food for years I finally decided that I was going to focus on being healthy. I now let myself eat anything I like but the difference is I care about my own welfare so I WANT to eat foods which will do me good. Over the couple of years since that moment, my weight has stopped fluctuating and I now feel better than ever. Because i don't binge I weigh less too. (I only know that from looking in the mirror because I threw out my scales.) I feel excited for you!

You read my mind exactly. I still feel very stuck in the whole thing, but it's inspiring to see you moving ahead!

You must be a perfectionist. I can so identify with all or nothing mentality to eating and exercise. So many times our goals are so high, we don't even try because we know we can't even begin to meet them. I also have a personal mantra I stole from a friend when my perfectionism gets in the way, "it's good enought."

My focus this year too has been healthier choices and not being so hung up on the "perfect" workout but just getting some time in. My motto is 3-3-3 and I am OK with that. 30 minutes, 3 miles and/or 300 calories. Don't analyze it too much. It was my way of not getting too hung up about the perfect workout but making some small consistent changes - remember slow and steady wins the race LOL. I think too once you have a routine, more will come without if feeling like a major hurdle. It is working for me.

Thanks.

I was in an airport this week and bought "You on a Diet". I can't put it down. Your pouring out today has had a huge effect on me. You just said what I feel but can't put it into words or even figure out how to say it. I love Dr. OZ and I think this book will really change the way I look at eatting. Here's to being healthy, happy, and great friends!

Good for you! Excellent approach to living an all around more healthy life and enjoyment of your life.

"We know exactly what to do, we just don't do it."

There is absolutely no one on the planet who cannot relate to this. Male or female, fat or thin, old or young... NO ONE.

It seems that your last few posts have had a theme, "will you people quit trying already to @(#%&@#$^ FIX me, because I am just fine the way I am, and any changes I might make are for MY benefit and no one else's business, thank you very much." I love this attitude, and I may print it out in Comic Sans 14 million point type and hang it on my wall the next time my parents come to visit (I love my parents dearly, heaven knows, but one of them was a border collie in a former life, and maybe in this one too). So let me just say that it is entirely your choice and none of my business if you write a book or not, but if you did, I would buy quite a few copies.

I've given up trying to lose 30 lbs, and now I am trying to have "a better relationship with food." Mostly, that means eating less crap, more fruits and veggies, and NOT BEATING MYSELF UP when I slip up and eat Taco Bell.

Yay to not dieting! It's a word I hate and which has been abused beyond all context. I work offshore on the oil rigs in the North Sea as a Health Educator helping folk to make small changes which can lead to a long-term benefit. I've discovered that comfort eating is not the preserve of women in this 99% male environment. These guys who are stuck out on rusting hulks of metal for 2-3 weeks at a time get bored, miss their families, have issues that same as many women back home. They can't turn to alcohol (not allowed offshore) so food is their only option. But with a wee bit of help they do start to see that they don't have to give up everything to be healthy - just cut back a little bit. Or as my technical term for it goes "don't shove so much down your neck and shoogle (Scottish for 'move') about a bit more". We also pacify them that it takes time as anything that promises instant results is often a con and will turn round to bit us on the bum in the long-run.

Stay healthy - we want you around for a long time yet Ms Purl!

I too have come to that conclusion. I don't realy care about my weight, but I do care about being healthy. If I had a fairy godmother who came up to me and said "I'll make you as healthy as you can be, no diabieties (spelling?), no arthritis, no heart problems, nothing, but you'll gain 30 more pounds" I'd take her up on it in a heartbeat.
Since I don't have a fairy godmother, I'll settle for eating healthy, and if I lose weight as a side effect, GREAT!

I usually just lurk (because like you, I don't want to scare people being all stalkerly), but you know everytime you write anything about your weight everybody has something to say, right?

All I have to say is that I think it's great that you're going to focus on your health and well being instead of on "dieting". Good for you! I've noticed a lot of women taking this point of view lately, and it warms the cockles of my little feminist heart. It's like we all woke up one day and looked at our stack of diet paraphernalia and finally figured out that it's not working!

I don't watch the Discovery channel, but I have vivid memories of watching a talk show in the early 90's that featured a woman who weighed about 800 pounds and was literally trapped inside her mobile home. She had to be cut out my rescue workers. I remember Richard Simmons made her clap her hands for exercise because that was the only thing she could do! That still gives me nightmares. Last March, I weighed about 180 pounds above what I'm "supposed" to weigh, and that woman in the trailer was all I could think about.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for rambling and hogging up comment space. I know you can be healthy and happy! Don't get discouraged and don't give up!

I love this post, I seriously do, because it rings so true in my heart. I remember in highschool (gah- 12 YEARS ago) that I was a super sexy svelte supalicious size 8/9. I thought I was super fat then, but now I longingly wish to be that size again. Damn you wisdom that I have to wait to get you. A trap that I have fallen into is the baby trap. Now cooking baby #3 for me, I've been trying to eat better for me and the squirt. Before, I used pregnancy as my excuse to binge- because hey, I'm eating for two.
I don't like it when other people lie to me, but why is it acceptable for me to lie to myself? Truth is, i'ts not.
My New Years Resoloution was not to lose weight, or lose 'x' amount of pounds. My NYR was to be nicer to my husband (and his to be nicer to me)- part of that is being nicer to myself, so that all in all I feel better about myself.... AND if I feel better about me, I'm nicer to others. Because frankly its true, your outside shows your inside... and if your inside ain't happy.... well, you know the rest.

a.m.e.n. I wish everyone who pushes us to lose weight could read this and really, really understand. It's not like we don't try, folks.

Wow, that sounds so much better that the other options... Heck, I think even I can walk 30 minutes a day...

The Germans have a word for the fat that you gain while under emotional distress. It's called "Kummerspek". It directly translates to "Grief Bacon". For some reason knowing there is a word for it makes it easier to deal with for me.

Having a ton of my own grief bacon, I can relate.

Good job on taking it healthy! It's the sane way to go.

You're on the right way! I had the same idea a while ago... why should I diet until a certain date to look good then, and think I would be happier then? Especially as diets don't work very long. Taking small steps is better, and then keeping up eating better, healthier. I just started ordering a box of organic fruit and vegetables once a week, delivered to my door. I've only had 2 boxes so far, but I think it's great! It works like a subscription; maybe there's a similar box scheme in L.A.
And even if I have some fast food once in a while, so be it! There's no use trying to indulge while trying to keep the bad conscience away (although having watched Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me" has kept me from buying fast food for 2 years now); I'd rather enjoy the "bad" food, and then go back to normal.

Thank you Laurie! You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me feel like there is a kindred spirit in the world on days when I'm sure no one gets me. I read your writing but don't comment. Well, you drove me out of hiding with this post. Thank you for putting words to feelings that usually are lonely, dark, late night, boogie monsters.

Best of health and luck to you on your mission!

I just want to chime in and say THANKS for your honesty and for being Real. It encourages me so much. I'm NOT trying to recommend anything to you - just telling my story to say why I think you are on the right track - I lost 50 pounds a few years ago; for me WW online worked, but I know it's not for everyone; what I came out of that thinking is that I had to do things I can live with. I can't live with going to the gym 5x a week for the rest of my life, but I can live with a daily walk. I can't live without ever eating pizza again, but I can live with 2 pieces at a time. I started out trying to do every small thing I could to improve my health and they became habit for me. Effort over time really does seem to work...for me it was like I treated myself as though I was healthy and my body just sort of caught up.

I think you have it right at last. It's never a question for me if I can do something - it's "will I." Very difficult!

Anyway, thanks again - you really encouraged me a lot. :o)

AMEN SISTER! I too am a professional dieter. I know how to do it, but just keep holding back. I once had someone tell me "during the throes of passion" (don't you love that description?) that he'd "make love to me if I lost the weight --all of it". So that is always in my mind-- having to prove yourself for love, to produce, to lose weight.
Loved your post today (and everyday, honestly). Thanks for the insight.

You've hit the nail right on the head. I used to eat to smother my emotions too. Eat eat eat, but only when no one else was around. So during the other hours of the day, I watched what I ate like crazy, and it drove ME crazy!! For about a year, I've been on the no-diet diet (the second word 'diet' being what I eat, not what I do), partly because I'm in therapy now too and I'm actually dealing with my emotions. I feel 100% better. And I'm sure you will too.

Maybe someday this 'diet' will catch on and then eating for nourishment will become normal??? One can hope.

(And I just want to add - I *love* your blog. I stumbled upon it a few months ago and always look forward to your posts.)

Fantastic insight! I've been considering buying the book "Body Clutter" (already suggesteed by somebody) because she talks about the same thing - looking inside and finding out _why_ we've gained weight! Maybe she asks the remaining questions you haven't found yet...

Thank you for your frank and open essays. This one definately made me think (I've gained weight since my divorce, too), others make me laugh, and many of them make me notice something in my own life.

Keep up this kind of introspective and you'll continue to be an extremely healthy, strong woman. Love yourself first. You can't love anyone else more than you love yourself. That didn't make sense to me for the longest time...

Oh my GOD!!!!! I so know exactly what you are talking about. Being invisible as a form of protection has been my whole life. And like you it was because I was terribly hurt by a man, although my man was my father. Now, I realize I am just hurting myself.

W. :)

Oh my GOD!!!!! I so know exactly what you are talking about. Being invisible as a form of protection has been my whole life. And like you it was because I was terribly hurt by a man, although my man was my father. Now, I realize I am just hurting myself.

W. :)

Wow! Good for you for choosing to be good to yourself. You obviously respect yourself a good deal, and that's great. I enjoyed my cup of coffee and your blog immensely. But it made me put away the potato chips. Hmm.

I think you are on the right track now, i totally understand you wanting to be invisible and your weight helped you do that. I think emotional hiding we all do to some degree and we all do it in a different way. I wish you all the best and just remember it is you that needs to be happy with you, don't care what other people think or say.

This post has nothing but positive vibes all over it! This is the way I live and I feel it's rewards every day - I wish you the same.

Yay, you!!

Dearling and All Readers: Having read all the msgs I love you ALL! :o) Let me pass along one thought for you (us) all. A VERY wise person once said we should live by the Stewardess Directions School: In case of a problem, put your OWN oxygen mask on FIRST.....then help the folks around you. It is neither selfish, thoughtless or uncaring to take care of Number One first; then you'll be able to care for anyone or anything else. (Repeat three times)

We love you just the way you are! Way to go on viewing life as life and truly wanting a good quailty of life. You have just driven home to me a concept I've been battling with. How do you NOT diet?

I think you've finally found the answer. I've always struggled with weight as well, and thought I looked like the 720 pound woman even though I was about 500 pounds less. So after years of what you've described, trying every fad diet known to man, and exercising myself crazy... I resorted to bariatric surgery. HUGE mistake. The surgery went VERY wrong (after 3 surgeries in two weeks, I ended up in a coma and on life support).. a year of recovery and now into my third year post surgery with extreme post traumatic stress disorder related to that whole ordeal...(that I'm just NOW getting enough courage to finally start trying to deal with it) not to mention some pretty damn hideous scars.. I have also learned that what you have just started doing is the ONLY way to ever achieve any kind of a healthy weight. No fads, no self punishment... just plain old healthy eating.. everything in moderation. It's the only way no matter HOW many diet books are on the shelf saying otherwise. So glad that you're learning it in a much easier way than I did.

You're in my prayers girl. Give yourself this gift of just being good to you.

I found your blog yesterday while looking for a knitted hat pattern. (it will be my first) Your walk-through of the easy roll brim hat had me in tears. Thanks. It also made me want to read more!
I went on to read the most recent 2 months of blogs and I'm hooked. I look forward to the time when I can go back and start from the beginning.

You seem to be a very strong woman who has some insights into life that have really hit home for me.

Thank you for sharing.

Here's to a Healthy & Happy 2007!

I'm working my way out of a 'not good enough/don't deserve to be happy' state of apathy right now myself. This post helps. Thank you. And good for you.

Thanks Laurie. I am so there with you. I think I may take a walk today and forgo the elevator.

Go you!! Yay for being healthy and happy!

Great job Laurie. Thanks for writing and being who you are. You make my days better. Daryl

Thanks for sharing that, Laurie. It sounds like you've really rounded a bend there, one that can be really hard to do. It's just a whole different paradigm, isn't it? Sometimes this just be healthy approach feels like it just isn't enough (all or nothing! all or nothing!), but in the end it really is far, far, healthier. It's fantastic that you've been able to find that place where each meal is just a meal, not a make it or break it situation. Kudos to you!

you go girl!

Loved this post - and all the comments. I've been lurking for a couple weeks - can't even remember how I found your blog, but I absolutely love it, even tho' I'm neither a cat person, nor a knitter. I was, however, single until age 42. I've been thinking a lot lately about nutrition and fitness and feeling discouraged that I can't lose the 10 pounds I really should lose. All the shows/books seem to focus on the 100-pound weight loss and that's wonderful, but what about us who are just slowly creeping up? WHen does that STOP? WHy can't I do what it takes to lose 10 freaking pounds? I have slowly been coming to the same conclusions - take the pressure off with all the rules and goals and just take a day at a time for a lifetime. I am doing so much better than I was 5 years ago as far as consistently keeping active and really watching what I eat (yah, even counting calories - trying to do that until I get a better idea of what's going in) Someone commented on the "It's good ENOUGH" and "Slow and Steady Wins the Race" mantras - I think they must have been peeking in my brain as those are my new "rules" too - oops, had to have SOME rules!

Your blog is the first one I click when Bloglines says there's a new post. Your honesty, insights, and humor inspire me so much!

I've been practicing "eat to live, not live to eat" in the last couple years. It takes a long time to scrape away the layers of bad, old habits, but once in a while I see the progress and know I'm sculpting a better life. Onward!

Yeah yeah yeah!

And me too. Yeah, I guess me, too.

Good for you Laurie!

Focus on your health, which is something you do for YOU and not dieting, which seems to be about pleasing other people. Your blog hit me over the head - it hits home my struggles over the past few years. Good luck with your positive approach - be healthy, eat healthy, and walks!

By the way - looking at your pictures on this website over the past 2 years - you are really beautiful. My wish for you in 2007 is that you will realize it and believe it and not beat yourself up about your looks. Live out loud as a gorgeous, strong, blonde lady!

Bravo. Just deciding to forego fast food and the 7-11 will make a tremendous difference. I didn't have a weight issue my whole life until the past 5 years. I've never been skinny, but no issues. All of a sudden whether it is my age or what, something changed. I always ate pretty healthily. Rarely eat out. Cook at home a lot. But it didn't matter. In my case, apparently, my body has decided it doesn't like carbs much anymore. It took countless sessions at Weight Watchers (who I endorse whole heartedly) LA Weightloss (where I felt like I joined the Moonies) and hours of walking without losing even one lb, before I broke down and made an appointment with the nutritionist in my doc's office. (A doctor with a nutritionist, a revelation.) Did bloodwork and noticed a few changes, all within normal, but changes, and suggested I withdraw ALL carbs for a few weeks to see what happened. (I regret to tell you that it included not a drop of alcohol.) It worked. I'm now adjusting to a "new normal". Wine however is definitely part of the new normal.

Everybody is different. Do what fits you! That is the best "diet" you can choose.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant Laurie. I was not bored at all by this condensed version of your paper diary. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of men and women are going through the exact same struggle that you are experiencing right now. I think you have made a healthy choice, a holistic choice, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will benefit from it. Listen to your body more than you listen to your mind, and you will soon become the person you'd like to be.

{{{{HUG}}}}
What a great post, wordiness and all ;) You've once again blogged my life.

Enjoy the food. Taste it. Savor it. Pair it with a nice wine occasionally. Eat to be healthy and enjoy life? What a crazy idea!!!! lol

The "all or nothing" mentality has gotten me in the same trap my whole life, too. congratulations on noticing it and starting to break the habit as early as you are. It will save you tons in therapy time!

Thanks so much for this - you've hit so many nails on the head I don't know where to start! So just... thanks! And being able to drag it from your head and put it into words is an amazing talent!

You are a wise woman, Laurie, and getting wiser by the minute.

Thanks so much for this - you've hit so many nails on the head I don't know where to start! So just... thanks! And being able to drag it from your head and put it into words is an amazing talent!

You have such amazing honesty and heart, Laurie.

I haven't read Oz's book, but the philosophy sounds similar to one of my favorites, Superfoods Rx. It's here on Amazon. It's about 14 foods that are just really good for your body AND it includes substitutions for those foods if you want to mix it up. And it has some recipes. It's not something I live my life by or anything, but it's definitely a worthwhile reference.

Yay for you! I hear you on the "helpful advice" part. Regardless of whatever it is, weight, health, allergies, people want to help, but I also start fantasizing about innappropriate responses.

Thank you, Laurie. I am in the midst of a binge cycle of eating. And I am *so* tired of it. I never wanted to be like this.

Every word of that post rang so true, and was so beautiful, I have nothing to add but a heartfelt "Amen!!" While I'm sure you don't consciously aspire to it, you are amazingly inspiring, Laurie.

Laurie,

This is wonderful! And cooking healthy can be so much fun. Especially when you live somewhere where you can get yummy fresh produce year round at farmers' markets, you lucky thing. (I'm in Minnesota. We have farmers' markets, ah...May through September, or thereabouts. Currently, "fresh" is defined as "won't spoil before tomorrow".)

Anyway, I wanted to point you and anyone else who might be interested to my favorite free recipe site!

http://www.recipezaar.com/

You can filter recipes by ingredients (got some fresh squash you don't know what to do with?), dietary wants/needs (low-fat, low-cal, vegetarian, etc), preparation (30 minutes or less, grill, bake, crockpot, whatever) and lots of other categories. I've found literally hundreds of lovely healthy recipes here.

P.S. There are even low cal desserts. Mmmmm!

Laurie,
You are always so insightful in everything you write regarding your feelings. I so love that about you. I, too, can relate to your weight "issues."
And, I just want to say, when I read this line: "Why is it that when you weigh less people seem to value you more?" I lost my breath. It.is.so.true. I know this firsthand -- I lost 100 lbs after having my first child (and have since gained many of those pounds back after my second child, divorce, quitting smoking, death of ex-spouse. . . ), and, for realz -- the difference in the way people treated me when I was thin is unbelievable. Sickening, really. I am the same person now, just fluffier. So, thank you for putting that out there -- I'm sure no one really knows the answer to the question, but I"m glad somebody said it.

I love this post. But I have a stupid question for you. Do you change into sneakers for you walk or change your whole outfit or what? I wear a lot of suits, and I feel like walking around in the high heels would not be the best move.

Laurie, you are my hero. Good for you!

The most honest thing I have ever read about weight & food.

I am taking a 20 minute walk most days again & mostly it improves my mental health.

I have been reading your blog now for a couple months. I first started reading because I'm a crazed knitter, but I kept reading because you are a funny, articulate, smart woman and I admire you and your writing skills. You and the Yarn Harlot are part of my daily blog reading routine now. Keep up your self-discovery and grab life and live it for all you're worth.

!YAY!!HUGS!dance around!HUGS!
Ditch the scale and you will be the newest convert to the "no diet" lifestyle. Seriously - toss the scale, muscle weighs more than fat. Get a sewing tape measure, make a few measurments, put the tape and the list away and don't look at them for at LEAST 3 months. You might want to jot down how out-of-breath you are at the top of a flight of stairs too.

I have recently acheved my goal of only having 2 sodas a week (did it for 3 months so now it's a habit) and am now working on 3 fruit/veggies a day.

I too, love your blog - you say what people think but don't/can't/won't say.

no spell checker was opened in this post :-) sorry

It really is that simple isn't it. I have been on a diet my whole life too and yet I'm still overweight. I have given up on diets too. But this may just be the key for me too. I think it'll still be hard to choose healthier foods instead of that pizza with extra cheese - but at least it's not saying all you can eat today is this grapefruit.

Thanks for sharing - I know how hard it is to do!

It never fails to amaze, how well I can relate to everything you write even though some of the things you write about I have no experience with. You have such a great gift for putting what's in your head onto paper (or keyboard). Keep up your hard work, it's paying off SO well. Hugs!

You are right on, girlfriend. I wonder why I do this to myself, too.

The funny thing is, if I ate as healthfully as my son does (because I am VERY careful about what goes in his mouth!), I would easily and naturally get to a healthy weight. Why don't I look after my own health as carefully and lovingly as I do his? Guess it's time to start!

Good for you for rejecting the prepackaged pop culture theme of 'If you're fat/even mildly overweight you are somehow less worthy and therefore must diet posthaste' (except not as wordy).
I think your idea of eating good food and engaging in a moderate amount of exercise is great. I understand the urge to be, if not skinnier, then at least healthier.
Again, I'm happy for you for taking control like this. It's really cool :-)

Yeah, I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I gained weight in my 20s after a date rape experience. Yes, the extra weight (and it doesn't take that much) has kept me safe from the sexual attentions of the wrong men..and probably the right ones too. Though aren't the right ones supposed to see through your weight? Yeah, right.

I lost 25 pounds on WW last year after a senior citizen tried to give her seat up on the bus because she thought I was pregnant. Then I hit a wall. I don't want to spend the rest of my life counting WW points. As Rosie once asked, THIS is living?

I have been trying to find my own plan but I'm still trying. I am a perfectionist too. If I can only walk for 28 minutes I feel like a failure.

I love your blog, but haven't posted until now. I loved this post and it reminded me of an interview I heard not long ago on Craftsanity. This gal sounds like someone you would like

http://www.ourladyofweightloss.com/

Here's the interview

http://www.craftsanity.com/podcast/files/category-31.html

I think the word "diet" should be stricken from the dictionary!

Good luck, sweetheart! You sound so healthy and strong. I'm so glad to have been given the chance to read every single word! Hang brevity.

Delurking to say a big "thank you" for sharing this post with us. I came to the same conclusions several months ago and it's nice to know someone else is on the same page.

Ahhhh, lunch time walks, love them. Wish I worked near you so I could join you.

Please always treat youself like you are #1, nobody else can treat you better than yourself, only you know what truely makes you happy.

Love ya CAP, you are a very wise and beautiful woman.

Amen, you took the words right out of my mouth!!
Good luck and great life!

I bet my diary reads a lot like yours. :) Protection from the world is a big theme in the relationship between food and emotions, but I have also found that I am literally holding myself in sometimes - all of this extra "stuff" between my skin and my bones is my spirit aching to get out. My fear keeps me eating and it inside.
Have you seen Geneen Roth's books? She helped me be a lot more conscious about how I relate to what goes in my mouth (love you white chocolate rasberry cheesecake!)

With the number of comments you receive, I'm often hesitant to add yet another to the mix, but then you express something I can't keep my mouth shut about. Living on the 'skinney' end of scale isn't always a joy either. Trust me, I get my share of wisecracks and remarks. It gets as tiresome, frustrating and resentment building as it is for overweight people getting dieting tips. Excuse me world, but this is the way I was made, so get over it already. Okay, I've ranted. Now, the real heart of the comment is I say I think your developing new attitude towards your weight issues is perfect, and I applaud you. Whatever your size, as long as you're healthy and happy in your own skin, "you" are beautiful. If that state of being doesn't meet the world's requirements for beauty, then, well, %#@& them! And remember, we CAP blog readers think you're grand!

Wow - truth.

Delurking...the best diet advice I've ever received is to view healthfulness as a characteristic. Characteristics are generally true about you, but if you act in an uncharacteristic manner, it's not the end of the world. I.e., I (hypothetically) can be characterized as a healthy person, but I just scarfed a donut, which is okay once in a while because I'm characteristically healthy (hypothetically). Scarfing donuts at every opportunity (less hypothetical, unfortunately) would be more of a junk-food addict characteristic. Sigh.

Oh, Laurie, BTDT! Cheers to you for living healthy each day! Say good-bye to the weight/diet rollercoaster. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

All it takes is finding what works for YOU. Two years ago it took a challenge from my partner to wake my once fat ass up.

He won, but in the end...didn't we both? (if you consider we both lost around 30lbs, I think so)

I know you don't know me from Adam, but, I am around if you feel like an email buddy to help you through this. I know what it feels like (as many others do, too) and can be a rockin' cheerleader!

My favorite posts are your "wordy", introspective ones. As a life-long dieter I too have "been there, done that, felt that". You put it better than I ever could, though. Good luck with the healthy eating and walking routine--I started walking yesterday. Today I'm getting back into my beloved water aerobics if it warms up enough.

I deserve to be healthy and happy--we all do.

I think you're BRILLIANT. People only go on diets because they're sexy (in their own bizarre way) and they promise instant results, which really, is a little too-slow these days for most everyone's tastes, but hey - we take what we can get, right? What you're talking about, eating smartly to be healthy, isn't sexy, it isn't fast - it is simply smart and it means that you're being as nice to yourself as you probably are to millions of other people on a daily basis. It's also scary as hell because it means that when you get upset or freak out about something from work you realize that yeah, you can eat that peanut-butter cup, but it's just *so* bad for you - so you suddenly realize that if you eat it, the junk at work is STILL THERE and that at the very least if you go for a 30 minute work the junk is still there but at least you're mentally in a better place to deal with it. And realizing that and dealing with all of that really makes you deal with the daily small & big crap in your life instead of just eating through it - which has always been my favorite way to work things.

Eat what is smart, move your butt, and make your peace with the results is my motto - and only my obituary could tell you the final results, because there is no *end* point to this sort of thing - it's a lifetime deal with all of the accompanying ups and downs. Boring but strangely fun at the same time - kind of like my Thursday nights, if truth be told... ;>

Laurie, thanks so much for putting your thoughts out there. I have the same issues with my weight. When I got divorced it was like a free-for-all with my eating. Actually, before then, when things started to get bad in my marriage is when I started to gain weight. I was trying to be invisible...to hide. I am now done (mostly) with hiding, and am becoming a healthier me. I applaud you for your insights, your courage to share them, and your intent to do something about it. You go girl! Thank you for keeping it real and living out loud as you always do.

Rockin' post, as usual. Hiding behind fat? Oh yeah, been there, done that, only instead of doing it to hide from a failed relationship, I was punishing my body for "failing me" through the stillbirth of my first son. Two more pregnancies later (and one healthy birth), my healthy son is almost five, and last year I finally got my head around what I was doing to my body and was ready to stop. I'm forty pounds lighter now and feeling so much better physically for it. But the mental changes are still immensely hard for me... now that I'm thinner, I feel so much more self-conscious about how I look.

People who've never battled their weight just don't get that it's not just about the food. Thank you again, for being so willing to be honest, where so many of us can see that we're not alone.

You realize that "diet" begins with the word "die," right?

The best book on eating well (not dieting) that I've come across lately is the Superfoods RX book. There's some hype in it (there always is -- you can't sell a health book without hype these days), but there's also a lot of good science. While I don't get obsessive about making sure I eat all fourteen categories of Super Foods all the time, I do use it as a general guide when I do the meal planning and shopping for the week. It goes beyond just "eat your fruits and vegetables" and shows you which fruits and vegetables give you the most nutrient "bang" for your calorie "buck," then lumps them into general categories to pick and choose from.

The lunch recipes in the back are sort of useless, because they presume you'll go trotting home at noon to your professionally-designed kitchen and whip up a nice salmon mousse or some such thing. But the rest of the book is useful, and makes for some pretty good reading.

Any book that says to eat lots of blueberries is fine by me. Mmm, byoo-berries!

Laurie,
I've never posted before but have been reading your blog forever it seems, today what I read felt like it came from inside my head.
I have had a miserable relationship with food and my body since I can remember. My mom put me on my first diet when I was 7 years old and I've been hiding from myself (and everyone else) since. I would lose weight (or at least torture myself for a few weeks) for others. When I would be in a skinny phase I was absolutely horrified by how differently people treated me. I also coped with trauma in life by gaining weight and hiding, and then blaming my life's problems on my weight.
Just over the past month I started writing everyday in a journal about this whole issue, documenting every day life so I can find where my unhealthy patterns lie, why I'm so unkind to my body. I have had an epiphany that turns out is very similar to your new way of thinking.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only person who struggles with problems like these and that maybe there is hope for real, lasting, life-long change.
You're a rock-star!
LL

I'm right there with you on the all or nothing extravaganza, but you've given me a lot to think about. Here's to all of us being just a little healthier in the new year.

I love making and eating healthy foods. I quit smoking nearly five years ago because it became more of a pain in the behind than a pay off. It took nearly four years of getting it to be a pain, but I did it. The -40 temps for three months were the death knell for that bad habit. Never thought I'd be happy it was that frickin' cold.
I've been lucky enough not to have a weight problem. I think the Hypoglycemia had more to do with that than my lifestyle or eating habits though. I do have to eat right and pay attention to the benefits of what I eat so I can manage my blood sugar levels though. After a while, it becomes second nature.
Best of luck on a plugged in life. It's a nice place to be.

this is awesome. i have been going through something similar in my own head with regard to weight loss and health. i've been somehow less emotional and more matter-of-fact about things lately. and yes yes yes to seeing your life as a continuum instead of a series of starts and stops defined by your diet and exercise regime! i'm so linking to this post. :)

I could have written this word for word. Thank you for for verbalizing what I have been going through and feeling.

holy crap, it's like you got into my head and pulled out exactly what I've been feeling for the last 3 years, all Professor Dumbledore-style. After my divorce, I decided "you aren't hear to tell me I can't eat this, you're not attracted to me when I'm fat, etc., so I'm going to platform dive into a bag of chips!! TAKE THAT!!"....and now, here I am, feeling good, new life, new man, and still fat. But you inspired me with this post. No huggy, kissy, perky "you can do it!! you just need to believe, etc" crap from a tiny person who doesn't know how it feels to be winded just from making the bed in the morning. Thanks!

This was a fantastic post, and absolutely spot on.

laurie - i've been reading your blog for a while, and this latest post made me want to sing! what a perfect way of putting what so many of us have struggled with for years... thank you for sharing what's going on inside of you, because it made me feel less alone. and i am also an all or nothing girl, so i have many failed diets under my belt.

I am right there with you. I was carefully reading "You on a Diet" with my highlighter and I got through all the nuts and bolts about your digestive system and got to the soul chapter and there was a sentece that said something like, "deep down inside is the paralyzing fear that you don't deserve to be thin." and I burst into tears! And I am not a burst into tears gal at all. It really made me think and think and think some more. I am tired of the food obsession too. Here's to just living our lives! and 30 minute walks, too! Best of luck to everybody struggling with this and Laurie, thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Love your blog and read it every day. Friday hugs to you and your herd.

Amen. And, by the karma of coincidence, this blog entry is a nice follow-up:

http://theseatedview.blogspot.com/2007/01/broken-record.html

Laurie, I have no advice for you, only approval.

Yeah, what you said.

Throw out all those diet books--everyone should just read your blog entry, and they'd have all the info they need. Same goes for all the magazines and media that show the "ideal" women and teen girls...Toss 'em, I say! My ten year old daughter is quite slim, like I used to be, but I am very careful not to talk negatively about weight around her. Just yesterday, I remarked that I will go to her school family night at the waterpark this year and I think I'll wear a suit (last year, no way). She asked why I'd wear one this year but not last? I made a quick save, replying, "Because I'm in better shape now to climb all those stairs up to the slides." I've been doing the 30 minute walk thing, and trying to eat healthy, and I feel pretty good about it. It's taken a long, long time, but it's so worth it! I don't fit the "ideal" you see on TV or magazines, but I think I'm just fine. Thanks so much for your inspirational words!

So interesting that you just posted this today. I have just made this same decision! I have never been a dieter. The only thing I ever did was South Beach. The first time I did it I lost 5 pounds the first week and it was great for my cholesterol. But I couldn’t stay on it (read= I am a carb addict). The second time I did it, I gained 4 pounds.
So NO MORE. Healthy is the way to go. The weight will take care of itself. I’ve only been really paying attention to this for less than a week and I’ve already lost 2 pounds. My problem is portion control. If I like something I want to eat 70 pounds of it.
But a thin (but healthy thin) friend of mine said something that really struck me and makes all the sense in the world. She said, “I don’t eat until I’m full. I only eat until I’m no longer hungry.” I am really trying to do that. But it’s hard. For me anyway.

Hi Laurie
Great post - I am delurking to comment. I was reading an article about this book: http://tinyurl.com/24re5s - Neris and India's Idiot-Proof Diet - earlier today and they were also talking about the emotional side of dieting, which is so often overlooked in diet books. I have to say your new plan to stop dieting, just eat healthy and do a little bit of excercise is great - go for it! I'm really lucky and have never been on a diet, but my flatmate, who has, says she's surprised to find herself eating less now she's eating 'Katie-sized meals', as she's snacking less and feeling less guilty - and my sized meals are farm-worker sized! I think it's down to healthy, homecooked food and a bit of excercise. It's not rocket science. All those books, I reckon, just make people feel guilty. You are definitely on the right track!

Right there with you. Thank you for being so eloquent. I'm currently just trying to make the right choices for each day myself. I am exercising, at home because that way it's solitary still, and I hate it but I do feel better when I do it. Sometimes you need to be alone and sometimes you need to know others are in their aloneness with you. Thank you.

Hi Laurie,

I read your blog faithfully everyday; because you keep me in stitches (I'm also an avid knitter with 5 cats), but I have never posted a comment before.

BRAVO FOR YOU GIRL!! What a wonderfully sensible way to think about it. Like every other woman I know, I think I am "more" worthwhile, the thinner I am. Your words are very powerful. Life is a journey, we shouldn't be thinking about getting skinny for an event; we should be thinking about being healthy for life!!

Cool! I think this will work wonders for your happiness and well being.

If you feel like it, would you share what you bring to luch with us. I'd love to bring healthy lunches to work more often, but run out of ideas by Wednesday.

Keep up the un-dieting!

Wow! Look at all these comments! You're never going to see mine...

*pouty face

You are beautiful and I'm sending this link on to my best friend. I think she could use your words of wisdom on this issue. Do you have ANY idea how awesome you are? I mean, really. You rock!

Hooray for you!! You're right on the money - keep on NOT dieting. :)

You have just described me as well. I've been contemplating the same thing. I want to do better for me. And it needs to start with what I take in. Thanks Lady! Big Hugs!

I know all about the insulation/protection/barrier/comfort/invisibility "beneficial" aspects of being overweight. Intimately. At some point I'd like to get to the place where you are. I hope you'll keep writing publicly about this, because as vulnerable as it may make you feel to do so, you can't imagine how much it might be helpful to many others, including me.

Thanks for continuing to live out loud, Laurie. :-)

Thank you so much sharing your story with us! Your thoughts on body issues are so well-put and SANE in this essay...especially compared to all the messages out there about "make-overs" and diets and "self-improvement". I'm going to print it out and look at it every day to fortify myself against all the bad advice that comes my way.

I catch myself putting stuff off and dreaming about the day that I'm back to my undergrad weight. It's so much more important to live in the present and eat because it tastes good and is wholesome and walk because you feel better. I think this is the secret the diet industry doesn't want us to know: We have the power to be healthy and happy without them!

I hope to pass this message on to the high school kids I work with, too.

Thanks!

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Good on ya for stepping out of the cycle - it's tough.

I keep saying out loud that you are one smart cookie, and there you go again - proving my point!

Seriously though, I think your outlook is very wise, and will definitely lead to a healthier, slimmer you. I have the kind of metabolism that makes me gain weight very easily. I also figured out the same thing you have. If I eat healthy foods and THINK about what I'm eating, I stay fairly slender. And my hair and skin looks good too.

So, kudos, kiddo! Keep up the good work!

OK, I know this is the eleventy-billionth comment and what I want to say has been said by a lot of other people but I can't not comment on this post. Think you have been in my head as well! Using food to hide from emotions - check; using fat to keep me invisible - check; using fat to blame things on - check (what the hell happens if I loose weight and still no one shows any interest in me, what can I blame then?). For me I think the hiding from emotion and hiding from myself is the main thing I use food for, that and coping with anger, this then comes out as self loathing which at the extreme hits the binging, purging, self harm cycle I got in when a serious relationship went wrong and this was the only way I could find to cope and haven't been able to move away from over the last 9 years.

I've printed your post off and am going to take it home and do some serious thinking. But it is going to have to wait until after the weekend as I have got a birthday weekend of food and beer to get through first!!

Even if you don't read this, thank youXX

I've been exactly at the place you are right now. It was October 2004. I weighed 250lbs and I am 5'3". Things clicked for me when someone I didn't even know told me, in front of atleast 10 other people, that I was "too fat, and didn't fit in" at this gathering. I was horrified. I sobbed all the way home, and decided that no one was ever going to say that to me again. Not those words.

I could rattle off a list of things I did to lose weight, but you are right... you have to find a lifestyle plan, not just a diet plan. And what works for one may not work for the other. As ironic as it is, the stuff that I did to originally lose weight is not working well as I try and lose the last 20.

You just have to find things that you enjoy. Cooking can be a real pleasure. Get yourself some new spices and toss out the salt. Grabs some healthy cookbooks at the bookstore, and start experimenting. You can make some incredible meals... and healthy cooking can become a favorite pasttime! Just serve yourself using smaller plates, and don't take second helpings. A nice mix of healthy food and small portions.

Find an exercise you enjoy. Walking is phenominal. That is so great that you reap so many benefits from your daytime walk. You could use this new favorite activity in so many ways. Charity walks like March of Dimes. Make a team from Stitch and Bitch, and do your favorite activites with some of your favorite people. You don't have to join a gym. I work out at home with videos. Those work for me. Find what you like, and use it in every way possible. That will help you build a healthy lifestyle.

I lost 100lbs, but that does not make me an expert. But, it does allow me to respond here because I know how you feel. I know what it is like to walk up to a store and no one stops to hold the door for you. But, if there was a thin woman ahead of you, the door would be held. I know how it feels to not have anyone look you in the eye, or have people walk in front of you instead of next to you. My ex used to do that all the time. Like he was ashamed to be seen next to me. I used to try and make small talk with strangers, but noticed that many would not respond very much at all -- they were probably uncomfortable being seen talking to me.

Sure, some of these things could have been my own insecurities sprouting their heads... but you DO get treated differently. You are seen differently. I don't know why either... it just happens. People do it without thinking. You don't have to settle for that crap, hun. You deserve to be treated like a human being.

But... no one is going to treat you like you deserve until YOU do.

I guess I wanted to be disengaged from my own life for a while, and putting on the pounds definitely achieved the goal.

I've never thought of it that way. Gaining weight or in some cases, losing weight, as a means to remove oneself from one's own life. The easist thing to do in times of disengagement is to just bunker down and eat without a care in the world. And in someways it's better than drinking yourself into a stupor, or at least that's how it goes for me.

Nice, Laurie.

Hi Laurie,

Yep, you're certainly not the only one. I put on that fabulous 40 pounds or so slowly, over the last couple years, as I disengaged from life for various reasons (not all of them bad). I hear what you're saying about it serving a purpose for a while, but it not being beneficial any more. I've never been a dieter ("hello, willpower? Are you in there?"), so I would mostly just feel bad about myself and have a cookie. This is probably marginally less effective than dieting.

But this month I've started a new approach. It's a science experiment. I want to see what will happen to my study subject (me) if I track all the inputs and outputs and then change them over time. I have this rather complex Excel spreadsheet that I got from a world-class marathoner. It tracks calories, fat, protein, carbs, fiber, and calcium, as well as daily servings of fruits and vegetables, and any calorie expenditures (like exercise...or sex...or whatever). I'm planning to add columns to track water intake, magnesium, and iron, since I think the study subject is far below the USRDA in those areas. The Excel sheet converts all these numbers into nifty little charts so that you can see the correlations between everything.

I know this sounds slightly obsessive, but I sort of feel about it like you maybe feel about knitting. It's fussy and there's a lot of counting involved, but somehow quantifying it in this way takes all the emotion out of it. It's simply an experiment so that I can understand what's happening in my body when I provide it with different stimulus. The goal isn't to lose weight, but to get healthy by getting the right kinds of nutrients.

A nutritionist friend of mine once said, "If all you want to do is lose 10 pounds, that's easy. Just cut off your arm. But if your goal is to get healthier, I can probably help you with that."

Peace,
DeAnna

You sound so comfortable with this, it must be the right path for you. Well done finding it, and thank you for sharing it with us. This is one of the many things you've written that will come to mind unbidden, and I'll think on it more and learn and grow. Neat-o.

I'd like to share one observation my friend Anne made that just floored me. Okay, two.

One, she says women dress for other women, not men. Still not sure how I feel about that one, but it's different and definitely possible.

Two, people often can tell a lot about another person's esteem in society based on their weight, and Anne says these days, being fit and trim is a sign of financial success and high status, because it takes money and time and freedom from other burdens to attain that level of fitness.

For my part, I would like to allow myself to get used to being a bit bigger - I quit smoking and realized that I had started wearing the refrigerator - now, I've leveled out at a slightly bigger size, and I'm not sure I WANT to lose the weight again. I want to be comfortable with myself and have that comfort come through in my stance and general way of being.

It's all about finding - and keeping - the self respect.

Yay to you again for typing the truth so well.

Best,
Becky

hear, hear! Thank you Laurie for saying it so well: "We know exactly what to do, we just don't do it." The answer to why-do-my-pants-fit-too-tight is simple--I'm not burning more fuel than I put in the tank. And like you, I figured out the harder why of why-DON'T-I-just-do-it. It seems that because of recent "personal growth" (ha,ha) in another area (not a physical one)that I may well actually start just doing it without it seeming like complete torture. I realized that as much as I hate other people putting me in a box and sticking a label on me, I have been doing that TO MYSELF TOO. Too much pressure ON MYSELF to be this, fix this, get it together so that my happy life can start. I swear, I think I saw pretty lights and heard trumpets sound when this thought hit me--I am, physically-mentally-emotionally-financially-whateverly, exactly as I am right now. There will be things that change, there will be things that may not. But it is what it is RIGHT NOW and anyone who can't handle that can just move out of my way. I will no longer refuse to live the life available to me just because it isn't the life I want/wanted/thought I wanted. And I'm thinking that I want to be healthy to live it. I'm guessing that being healthy will have the added benefit of reducing my squishiness. Some days the healthier-ness will be more about what I eat, some days more about my level of physical activity, some days it will be about both! And yes, some days may be about a few choice chocolates, snuggly jammies & being lazy because sometimes that's what's needed for mental health (& by extension physical--stress kills, baby).

Good for you Laurie. Know that you are loved as you are and as you will be!

GRIEF BACON!!!!

*snort*

just joining the chorus of "amen", sister.

Go you!!! This self-same plan totally worked for me, and I've lost almost 30 pounds in 8 months. Good luck to you!

Not that you don't have an ample supply of comments already, but in the spirit of delurking, I thought I would pipe up and say...

Trying to be healthy rather than thin is awesome. So is being happy in your own skin. More women should try to emulate you. Besides, curves are pretty!

Wow. This was a really great entry.

I discovered your blog through a friend of mine who knits. I used to knit but alas, I've fallen out of practice.

You are so brave to put all that into words. Thank you.

I'm just visiting your website for the first today, but I wanted to commend you on writing such an excellent post. I think it's important to write about weight issues, no matter which side of the spectrum you fall on (http://www.zandria.us/archives/000933.html).

I enjoyed reading your "About" page as well. I lived in northern L.A. county for a year (Lancaster/Palmdale area; I returned to the east coast last summer), and I commuted to the Valley to work, so I can relate to the horrendous traffic that you have to endure. :)

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Amen, sister.
Love Your Life.
You are gorgeous.

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What a helpful post...
I fight being thin regularly. That barrier theory is spot on...
I was blaming it on Thyroid issues, but how long can I keep doing that?
I've started taking my lunch to work, cutting out fast food, and practicing portion control... baby steps. I can already see a small weightloss after 2 weeks. My body loves the fresh food, and fast food is starting to sound greasy, heavy, and kinda gross.
Love your posts... and knits and kitties!

A couple of years ago I decided that I was tired of being overweight and I did exactly what you are doing. First I cut out almost 300 lbs of ugly fat and I divorced my husband. Then I cut out junk food, (and OMG was that hard!) and then I started walking. The more you walk, the more you will WANT to walk. Endorphins are a wonderful thing. I decided to let myself become addicted to endorphins instead of Ding Dongs and it has really worked out for me.

The only thing better than just plain walking is walking with an IPOD in your ears. The only problem with that is you have to decide if you really care what the other walkers think about the crazy woman with the IPOD who is singing along with The Killers,(la la la oh..."somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like I girlfriend that I had in February of last year"...la la la.) at the top of her lungs. I have reached the point where I don't. I'm a two time cancer survivor and I've truly decided that if something makes me happy and it's not hurting anyone then I'm going to do it. So, I walk, I sing, I'm happy. Join me, won't you?

Thank you.

Thanks for sharing this Laurie. I especially got what you said about quality. "Is this quality?" I've been thinking alot about quality and that I deserve quality in my life. I realized I never really thought, deep down, that I deserved quality. Quality was for people who were wealthy or outgoing or who understood the arts. Wrong. quality, especially quality food, is for everyone who decides to choose it.

Thank you for your openness to share something so personal. My wife just sent me a note, we both read your blog for the humor and fun and she told me she wants to take dance lessons with me after reading your post. I've asked her numerous times but she said she wants to get in shape first. It’s been a few years now, I think since when we saw “Shall we Dance”. I don't see her size, I just see the love in her eyes for me and that's all I ever wanted. I’ve been gifted with the really tall gene so when I put on 20 lbs it doesn’t show as bad but I have been her partner and done the gym and diets and I agree it's a change to how you live and not a temporary shift in your mentality that can’t give you long term results. You may never realize the difference you have on all the lurkers who read you inspiring words. We pass a dance studio on our way to the Wednesday night knit group (we both knit) and I always admire the people in their later years dancing there and sharing the time together doing something fun. I’m looking forward to being on the inside of the studio instead of just peering in as we drive by, holding the woman I love in my arms and moving as one with the music. I know you will feel good about your self and the feeling will project to others around you and then people start asking you if you changed your hair or something and you will just have an inner smile and know you changed your life. (for the better)

Great plan!
Whatever you do- do NOT waste the Snickers on someone's heiney!

Good girl! Congratulations!

Congratulations on the start of your new life! I guarantee that your decision will be the best one you have ever made! YAY!!

Wow Aunt P, you are making such fantastic choices for yourself, I love it!! The part about eating foods that are good for you but not being OCD about it, the part about going on a daily walk, love it!!

For me it's more about the relationship with food (having a good one) and enjoying the excercise I do (I love walks!)

Congrats on these wonderful changes in your life!

You speak for most of us in your entry today. BRAVO! Standing next to my tiny, petite, size zero girlfriends I always felt like a giant moose, not because I'm necessarily overweight (I'm a size 8 and toned, but realize in our world this is considered fat), but more because I'm naturally athletic and have a different shape than most girls...in other words,