Wow. That just banged me right over the head.

Thanks.

YES!!!!! EXACTLY!

I love this, Laurie. Every word.

Laurie,
I've been reading your blog for a long time and never, ever comment, but today's blog made me feel really happy for you. Your "not dieting" plan will undoubtedly work much better than any diet, and I've found myself that making small changes to my life ends up leading to larger overall changes than trying to go all out in an unsustainable way.
Small change #1 for me in 2007: comment on blogs I like!

I've been reading for ages and not commenting as well. But I'm so happy for you! In all my life I'm almost positive I haven't been on a diet. I don't think you can call anorexia a diet but that's neither here nor there. I eat what I want, when I want... it's not always healthy, but it is for the most part. Hey, I was vegetarian for 2.5 years, I can manage anything LOL
But this is what more people need to realize. I want to strangle all those calorie counters (did I just say that out loud?). I may not quite have my size 5 pre-pregnancy body back yet, but darnit I'm only 25 and this is a whole new year (let me not mention that my son is turning 3 on Wednesday haha).
I love you Laurie!

*Stands up and cheers and then gives you a hug*

Perfect, dear. This is simply perfect. I see really good things for you this year. You're on the right path!

Continuing to cheer for ya!

This made me teary. Granted, Aunt Flo just visited and she makes me weepy, but still. A friend once told me that I'd be able to lose my weight when I could get my head around the idea. I think you may have just helped me start to do that. Thank you!

*Stands up and cheers and then gives you a hug*

Perfect, dear. This is simply perfect. I see really good things for you this year. You're on the right path!

Continuing to cheer for ya!

Laurie, you are such a good cook...I mean you told me (us) how to make fried chicken... I know fried chicken isn't the healthiest thing there is, but, face it, you know how to make things taste good... healthy things, too. And you live where you can get interesting ingredients and good produce (well maybe not so much the citrus now) so maybe you should embark on some fun and healthy cooking. I've tried and it's hard for just one person, but it can be rewarding. I've just started on some medications that will probably cause weight gain and I'm really worried about that so I am trying to eat more healthy myself without making myself
anorexic. I'm with you on that.

This year I made a resolution for myself - to find balance. And its so similar to what you say here. Its not about auditing your performance on a blow by blow basis but on an overall sense. Bringing things back in when they get a little too far out but liking yourself enough to cut yourself slack.

Good luck and I hope you feel better on the inside as a result!

By the way, did you get snow?

No snow in the valley or downtown, but we tried ... it was COLD!

I feel like I have spent my whole life on a diet to meet someone else's expectations. I just want to learn how to be normal. I know that in itself sounds crazy.

It's like I forgot eating was something natural we did to replish our bodies. And I'm so very tired of not being good enough, on anyone's diet. I'm exhausted of dieting. I'm trying to find my own personal "good enough." It is sometimes terrifying.

I think that THIS is what I needed to hear.

Once upon a time, my kidney died. It was one I had gotten from my mom when I was six because my original ones died. I felt sick all the time and I remember being astounded that right after my second transplant, I was 114 pounds. It was the scariest thing in my life to be THAT light. I'm only 5'2" so I was just a little underweight then but I've bounced back. I'm...MUCH more than that now.

And now, I'm done being so large. I'm done giving into my cherry cordial Hershey Kisses cravings and giving into One More Row-itis while the treadmill goes on ignored in the basement.

We have the right to be happy with who we are. And as you said, it's a choice. We need to choose to do right by this life we're given, by this body we inhabit.

So rock on, Purly girly. Let's be happy.

First of all: I so totally share your obsession with the 740-pound shar-pei faced women who, after some surgeries, emerge from under the knife as taut-as-plastic Barbie. And I've been there, as well, a serial dieter finally building up the fat as an insulation--against a dysfunctional relationship. I think it's important not to see food as a weapon, against oneself or other people, but to see it from a more radical perspective: As a way of nourishing the body with good, clean stuff to make it stronger and healthier. Hence: SUPER CONGRATS on ditching the junk food and making your own lunches! Oh, and when I grow up, I want to be like you: Step on the scale just once a month (sheesh, even the thought of that right now sends chills down my weight-obsessed spine). You're my hero!

What an awesome post. Your words ring true to many women out there who find themselves struggling with the same issue - myself included. And I think your approach is a healthy one - focus on the good you're doing for your body, not for some arbitrary milestone (e.g. fitting into this dress by this date). Brava!

Anyhoo. I'm pretty new to your blog. Love it!

Oh dear Lord what an idea! I LOVE IT!!! I don't have to loose X ammount by such and such a date?!? WOW!

I get so obsessed with looking good enough to wear an outfit in time for an event that it is all or nothing. Which usually translates to nothing. And then I hate myself just a little more.

I do believe I shall try your plan of a little is better than nothing. And I bet that all of that little will add up to a whole lot of good.

=)

Good for you! It seems like you are really getting back to you now and taking care of you so I say "You Go Girl!" (yeah, pretty lame saying but I wanted to cheer you on)

You are beautiful, witty, and smart. And this is no dress rehearsal, it's your life. Congrats on deciding to live it.

"You become bigger, yet somehow more invisible." It was that line that made me tear up. I share your feelings and also have that insulating layer except mine's been there since I was 10 years old. Long story and yet not a 740 lb one. ;)

I too bought the Dr. Oz book but have only skimmed it. Time to put the yarn down and pick up the book.

You on a Diet is a pretty interesting book. I'm glad you are already seeing benefits from living a healthier lifestyle. I get what you mean about knowing all the right things to do but not doing them. I recently heard someone speaking about weight issues who mentioned something about this. The person said that many times we know what to do, but lack the self esteem to do it.

I really think you're onto something. And I know that you will find a happy HEALTHY Laurie by taking care of yourself, by lavishing yourself with thoughtful good food (instead of fast "comfort" food-voids.)
And I can't promise or predict, but I'd be willing to be a whole lotta yarn that you'll turn around and find yourself thinner and fitter than all the other diets combined.
Thank you for being inspiring!

Balou -- it's not a *great* book, just a ... book. But at least it got me thinking, "What is good for my intestines? For my liver?" I'm better when I think of my body as these organs sustaining me, rather than just this thing I'll get around to later.

And the ONE reason I loved that book? Dr. Oz says losing weight is not about dieting -- it is about 100 calories a DAY. That seems like maybe the only do-able thing I can do :) 100 calories? For a lifetime dieter that is small potatoes (literally). It makes it seem manageable. Normal. Just part of life. That's what I needed.

And funny, I was so scared to post this "out loud." Thanks for your nice words. I hate talking about my weight, it feels so embarrassing.

i've been fat for awhile now. lessie. since the ubersuck struck...six years? only, i think i made a deal with myself, 'cause i've been okay with it.

lately i've been so darn happy that i've decided i should be all hot and sexy too. i just can't hide the hot and sexy i've got hiding 'round here any more.

i read that post you made not long ago about dr. oz. and then i saw him on the oprah show ('cause i'm all mom at home watching oprah these days) and i thought...that purl...she sure has a good idea there.

and so? just this very day? uhm...about five hours afore you posted? i bought myownsef a copy of the book. i can't wait to notdiet, too.

maybe i should take some discovery channel worthy before pictures...

I'm ok on the food side... but I used to get all all-or-nothing about working out. Three weeks ago, I started a couch-to-5k running plan that only involves half an hour 3 times a week. I told myself that all I have to do is do those 3 little half hour workouts on schedule. I don't have to live at the gym, or feel bad if I dont. Lo and behold, I have stuck to my plan for three solid weeks, which is pretty awesome.

Ah, Dearling! A great salute to you. That's what you call "right thinking". Your perception is incredible always, and in one so young! Another bit, which is not *advice* but which I have found very pleasant: eat more slowly, and relish every bite. Someone told me that, NOT as a weight-loss thing, just as a healthy thing to do, and you know - it makes a meal much more enjoyable, whatever it is. In the 15th century, the height of fashion was to be heavy, plump, rotund, "Ruebenesque". Of course, food was sparse, hard to come by, available only to the upper classes in quantity. Now, we have fresh food available to us year-round in great quantity, and fashion (!) is to be so painfully thin as to emulate death. Go figure!

I threw over any concept of "fashion" years ago...I do not dress traditionally at all, and I look like ME. I really enjoy my meals, and you know, I'm a healthy weight (I'm also 4'11", so it'd be way unhealthy to be very heavy.) I quit dieting too (what a depressing thing that is to do) and when I quit caring, I lost some weight.

I've never seen you, Dearling, but I can tell you that you're BEAUTIFUL, because like fresh tangerines, it's what's inside that's fine. I'm old and can tell you from the vantage point of Advanced Age that those are not empty words: cleverness, humour, perception and kindness are the elements of beauty. (And loving cats is a plus too!)

Also from my Advanced Age: people's OUTSIDES are irrelevant, be they wide or narrow, tall or short, black, white, red or yellow (or any combination thereof). When all of *them* realize that, it'll be a better world.

You thought YOU were wordy? You've done a lot of people a great service today, Dearling. Keep marching on! Now, where did I put my knitting???

I'm glad that you're doing this and already feeling better, and I hope that things keep progressing!

I hope you keep posting about how you're doing with it, too. When I got out of the hospital after my brain surgery, I was down to 72 lbs. I'm 5'4. I've been sick ever since, which makes it so hard to take the time to eat properly, which I'm guessing you probably know all about. A year later I'm up to 85 lbs. You have no idea how much I hope that hearing you talk about how good you feel will help me with my weight problem too - because it is a problem.

Thanks Laurie.

Hurrah! Someone who makes sense! You have the right attitude in how to view food and exercise: to get yourself healthy. Diets are crazy. Eating whole foods and exercising regularly is so much better...ho ho, if you start eating more stuff like beans, you'll be farty, but don't give up! Think of it as jet propulsion for your walks.

But I digress.

Ignoring diets and just taking care of yourself is the smartest decision you could make for your health. Going on a diet is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg.

And by the way, Iove love love love LUURRRRVVVV your blog! LAHVE EET! I found it last month while looking for knitting blogs and you are even better than Cartoon Network! You supply me with things I that make me happy: knitting, cats, and a twisted sense of humor. All I need to make my life complete is Aragorn giving me a back rub. woo.

amen.

Hooray for you! And I KNOW what you mean about insulating yourself with da pudge.

I never could diet. Never could do the Diet Coke and Salad for lunch. Or the Slim-Fast or other diet du jour. I feel like I am missing some female gene on one of my chromosomes or something.

But I wanna hear more about the aggressive men you've encountered and how that made you feel and how you dealt with it!

I've commented once or twice but I feel like a weird stalker. You see, its sometimes surreal to think that I see new posts by you on bloglines and I read these things about your life. So I feel that I know you sort of then I realize. "Hey, jackass, she has no idea who YOU are." So, I feel weird commenting.

I just want you to know that I truly appreciate all your posts. You're so freaking funny and often I forward links to posts to my husband. Then you get all serious and it makes me value your posts even more. You often say what so many women are thinking/feeling and you do it in such a way that make us laugh and be able to laugh at ourselves (I ADORED your "hairstory").

About the weight. I thought it funny that you mentioned your weight being padding. Have you read anything by Louise L. Hay? She talks about weight being padding/protection. And how we become insecure about our weight and how we need more padding because of it. Vicious cycle. A lot of what I've been reading is about being happy now because otherwise you'll just be waiting for the next anything before you decide to be happy. This has been huge for me and its funny how when you're learning about stuff you see other people learning the same stuff and it makes it ring that much more true.

Anyway... thanks for this blog.

Dieting is a "quick" fix and doesn't usually work. I am proud that you are open about your eating. A lot of women have the same problem, myself included, but we don't talk honestly about it. It is as if it doesn't exist. I know I have a few pounds that I could lose but, I just don't want to diet either. So I am trying to eat healthy, stay away from ice cream, which is my downfall. And walk more.

thanks so much for giving us a peek into your personal paper diary! boy do i know from this subject.

plus, i really think you're on to something with the health-centric changes, rather than the goal-oriented, do or die approach. but what a massive change of mindset it requires for us list-maker types :(

anyhow, i wanted to ask you a question about the logistics of bringing your own lunch. did you have to get out of the habit of going out to lunch with work friends? that would be the toughest part for me.

ooh, also: I have a book recommendation for you. It's called _The Velveteen Principles, A Guide to Becoming Real_ by Toni Raiten-D'Antonio. Maybe it's because the Velveteen Rabbit is my favorite children's book, but boy is it good (so far).

hugs to you and the kitties!!

Sweetheart,
could you try out the possibility that you are perfect the way you are and if you want to do something different that's ok but your already beautiful, and perfect.

xoxox,
Amy

Hooray for you! That's a HUGE epiphany (hey- an epiphany during epiphany!) and I'm proud of you!
I have a dear friend who's a therapist, and she says the exact same thing about extra weight--it's like an invisibility cloak and "It's not me, its the fat" insulation at the same time.
Another book I've heard good things about (I just ordered it off of Amazon) is "Body Clutter" by the lady and the nutritionist behind Flylady.com. I'll let you know how it goes.
And Laurie- while you and I BOTH know that being over a size 10 is tough in Los Angeles (why lie?)- the best thing is that YOU ROCK --and everyone who meets you online or in person knows it. You deserved the time in extra insulation to sort stuff out- and now that you're really ready, it'll just start to fall away as you treat yourself like the treasure you are. Never forget that you are loved.

You always seem to hit exactly how so many of us are feeling. I was always the skinny hot one. I didn't realize how much of my self esteem was tied into how I looked, until I got one of those Depo shots and ballooned up over 60 pounds. In an effort to lose the weight, I too have tried all the diets you mentioned. And have just in the last month decided we (my whole family and I) were going to eat 'heathy', and not diet.

I love your willingness to share your intermost thoughts and feelings with us. I always end up saying, damn she's so right on.

We love you Laurie. You inspire us all.

Isn't it crazy that people who want to be normal feel crazy? You're not crazy and this sounds like an excellent non-crazy plan. Living in LA especially makes it difficult, I wasn't strong enough to get off the food insanity merry go round until I was well out of the area.

Best of luck.

What oft' was thought but ne'er so well expressed.

and I LOVE Discovery Health Channel; Dr G: Medical Examiner on Fridays, Mystery Diagnosis- fun!

Hooray for NOT dieting!!! That's the answer. I treat eating disorders and weight management and you have hit the nail on the head! There is a good workbook since you like to read and write lists called the Don't Diet, Live It! workbook that touches on many of the things that you brought up. And you are right, most people who struggle with weight are experts when it comes to food which proves it has really nothing to do with food - good luck in your journey!

Long-time lurker, first-time poster.

Wow. Separated at birth? Discovery health is like my favorite channel of all time. I can't stop watching. Every time Jackie's story comes on, I'm there.

I decided to lose weight last year. I just wrote junk food out of my life and started walking 30 minutes a day. That was it. Oh, and try weighing yourself every day -- once you get used to the normal day-to-day fluctuations, it makes it easy to track how you're doing.

I started taking a daily walk, for all the good reasons and discovered a new opportunity to bond with my dogs. Now I go every day just to be with them!

Faithful lurker.

Hope I don't end up anonymous again - the name is Bess, like the queen.

Great post. I recently heard an author interviewed (her book is This Year I Will:
http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780767920087 )
about New Year's resolutions. You hit on her most important point: giving up the all or nothing. If you can say that you ate better last week than you did the week before (or the year before), you have succeeded, even if you didn't eat perfectly.
If you walked 30 minutes only once last week, but it was more than the week or year before, you succeeded.

Congratulations on your new outlook. The melting pounds will be a side effect of a healthier lifestyle, not the goal.

I have recently come to a realization similar to yours. I have been everywhere from too thin to extremely overweight. Right now I am somewhere in between. I would like to be thinner, but more importantly, I would like to be healthier. I want to be around to see my kids all grown up. In order to do so, I need to start building healthier habits. In turn, I think this will result in a happier me!

Have enjoyed reading this post so much ! You've really managed to sum up so many of the feelings we (women) have about our bodies.It's sometimes difficult to grasp that food is good for us,when the cult of THIN is given to be the answer to all our problems.Now you own your body , I hope you enjoy what you eat....I will aim to follow your example.

Just loved it. Got every word. Been right there, AM RIGHT THERE - You are a Lovely lovely person. THANKS

I was so happy to read this because it reminded me of one of the happiest times of my life. Having been bullemic and OBSESSED with food for years I finally decided that I was going to focus on being healthy. I now let myself eat anything I like but the difference is I care about my own welfare so I WANT to eat foods which will do me good. Over the couple of years since that moment, my weight has stopped fluctuating and I now feel better than ever. Because i don't binge I weigh less too. (I only know that from looking in the mirror because I threw out my scales.) I feel excited for you!

You read my mind exactly. I still feel very stuck in the whole thing, but it's inspiring to see you moving ahead!

You must be a perfectionist. I can so identify with all or nothing mentality to eating and exercise. So many times our goals are so high, we don't even try because we know we can't even begin to meet them. I also have a personal mantra I stole from a friend when my perfectionism gets in the way, "it's good enought."

My focus this year too has been healthier choices and not being so hung up on the "perfect" workout but just getting some time in. My motto is 3-3-3 and I am OK with that. 30 minutes, 3 miles and/or 300 calories. Don't analyze it too much. It was my way of not getting too hung up about the perfect workout but making some small consistent changes - remember slow and steady wins the race LOL. I think too once you have a routine, more will come without if feeling like a major hurdle. It is working for me.

Thanks.

I was in an airport this week and bought "You on a Diet". I can't put it down. Your pouring out today has had a huge effect on me. You just said what I feel but can't put it into words or even figure out how to say it. I love Dr. OZ and I think this book will really change the way I look at eatting. Here's to being healthy, happy, and great friends!

Good for you! Excellent approach to living an all around more healthy life and enjoyment of your life.

"We know exactly what to do, we just don't do it."

There is absolutely no one on the planet who cannot relate to this. Male or female, fat or thin, old or young... NO ONE.

It seems that your last few posts have had a theme, "will you people quit trying already to @(#%&@#$^ FIX me, because I am just fine the way I am, and any changes I might make are for MY benefit and no one else's business, thank you very much." I love this attitude, and I may print it out in Comic Sans 14 million point type and hang it on my wall the next time my parents come to visit (I love my parents dearly, heaven knows, but one of them was a border collie in a former life, and maybe in this one too). So let me just say that it is entirely your choice and none of my business if you write a book or not, but if you did, I would buy quite a few copies.

I've given up trying to lose 30 lbs, and now I am trying to have "a better relationship with food." Mostly, that means eating less crap, more fruits and veggies, and NOT BEATING MYSELF UP when I slip up and eat Taco Bell.

Yay to not dieting! It's a word I hate and which has been abused beyond all context. I work offshore on the oil rigs in the North Sea as a Health Educator helping folk to make small changes which can lead to a long-term benefit. I've discovered that comfort eating is not the preserve of women in this 99% male environment. These guys who are stuck out on rusting hulks of metal for 2-3 weeks at a time get bored, miss their families, have issues that same as many women back home. They can't turn to alcohol (not allowed offshore) so food is their only option. But with a wee bit of help they do start to see that they don't have to give up everything to be healthy - just cut back a little bit. Or as my technical term for it goes "don't shove so much down your neck and shoogle (Scottish for 'move') about a bit more". We also pacify them that it takes time as anything that promises instant results is often a con and will turn round to bit us on the bum in the long-run.

Stay healthy - we want you around for a long time yet Ms Purl!

I too have come to that conclusion. I don't realy care about my weight, but I do care about being healthy. If I had a fairy godmother who came up to me and said "I'll make you as healthy as you can be, no diabieties (spelling?), no arthritis, no heart problems, nothing, but you'll gain 30 more pounds" I'd take her up on it in a heartbeat.
Since I don't have a fairy godmother, I'll settle for eating healthy, and if I lose weight as a side effect, GREAT!

I usually just lurk (because like you, I don't want to scare people being all stalkerly), but you know everytime you write anything about your weight everybody has something to say, right?

All I have to say is that I think it's great that you're going to focus on your health and well being instead of on "dieting". Good for you! I've noticed a lot of women taking this point of view lately, and it warms the cockles of my little feminist heart. It's like we all woke up one day and looked at our stack of diet paraphernalia and finally figured out that it's not working!

I don't watch the Discovery channel, but I have vivid memories of watching a talk show in the early 90's that featured a woman who weighed about 800 pounds and was literally trapped inside her mobile home. She had to be cut out my rescue workers. I remember Richard Simmons made her clap her hands for exercise because that was the only thing she could do! That still gives me nightmares. Last March, I weighed about 180 pounds above what I'm "supposed" to weigh, and that woman in the trailer was all I could think about.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for rambling and hogging up comment space. I know you can be healthy and happy! Don't get discouraged and don't give up!

I love this post, I seriously do, because it rings so true in my heart. I remember in highschool (gah- 12 YEARS ago) that I was a super sexy svelte supalicious size 8/9. I thought I was super fat then, but now I longingly wish to be that size again. Damn you wisdom that I have to wait to get you. A trap that I have fallen into is the baby trap. Now cooking baby #3 for me, I've been trying to eat better for me and the squirt. Before, I used pregnancy as my excuse to binge- because hey, I'm eating for two.
I don't like it when other people lie to me, but why is it acceptable for me to lie to myself? Truth is, i'ts not.
My New Years Resoloution was not to lose weight, or lose 'x' amount of pounds. My NYR was to be nicer to my husband (and his to be nicer to me)- part of that is being nicer to myself, so that all in all I feel better about myself.... AND if I feel better about me, I'm nicer to others. Because frankly its true, your outside shows your inside... and if your inside ain't happy.... well, you know the rest.

a.m.e.n. I wish everyone who pushes us to lose weight could read this and really, really understand. It's not like we don't try, folks.

Wow, that sounds so much better that the other options... Heck, I think even I can walk 30 minutes a day...

The Germans have a word for the fat that you gain while under emotional distress. It's called "Kummerspek". It directly translates to "Grief Bacon". For some reason knowing there is a word for it makes it easier to deal with for me.

Having a ton of my own grief bacon, I can relate.

Good job on taking it healthy! It's the sane way to go.

You're on the right way! I had the same idea a while ago... why should I diet until a certain date to look good then, and think I would be happier then? Especially as diets don't work very long. Taking small steps is better, and then keeping up eating better, healthier. I just started ordering a box of organic fruit and vegetables once a week, delivered to my door. I've only had 2 boxes so far, but I think it's great! It works like a subscription; maybe there's a similar box scheme in L.A.
And even if I have some fast food once in a while, so be it! There's no use trying to indulge while trying to keep the bad conscience away (although having watched Morgan Spurlock's "Super Size Me" has kept me from buying fast food for 2 years now); I'd rather enjoy the "bad" food, and then go back to normal.

Thank you Laurie! You make me laugh, you make me cry, you make me feel like there is a kindred spirit in the world on days when I'm sure no one gets me. I read your writing but don't comment. Well, you drove me out of hiding with this post. Thank you for putting words to feelings that usually are lonely, dark, late night, boogie monsters.

Best of health and luck to you on your mission!

I just want to chime in and say THANKS for your honesty and for being Real. It encourages me so much. I'm NOT trying to recommend anything to you - just telling my story to say why I think you are on the right track - I lost 50 pounds a few years ago; for me WW online worked, but I know it's not for everyone; what I came out of that thinking is that I had to do things I can live with. I can't live with going to the gym 5x a week for the rest of my life, but I can live with a daily walk. I can't live without ever eating pizza again, but I can live with 2 pieces at a time. I started out trying to do every small thing I could to improve my health and they became habit for me. Effort over time really does seem to work...for me it was like I treated myself as though I was healthy and my body just sort of caught up.

I think you have it right at last. It's never a question for me if I can do something - it's "will I." Very difficult!

Anyway, thanks again - you really encouraged me a lot. :o)

AMEN SISTER! I too am a professional dieter. I know how to do it, but just keep holding back. I once had someone tell me "during the throes of passion" (don't you love that description?) that he'd "make love to me if I lost the weight --all of it". So that is always in my mind-- having to prove yourself for love, to produce, to lose weight.
Loved your post today (and everyday, honestly). Thanks for the insight.

You've hit the nail right on the head. I used to eat to smother my emotions too. Eat eat eat, but only when no one else was around. So during the other hours of the day, I watched what I ate like crazy, and it drove ME crazy!! For about a year, I've been on the no-diet diet (the second word 'diet' being what I eat, not what I do), partly because I'm in therapy now too and I'm actually dealing with my emotions. I feel 100% better. And I'm sure you will too.

Maybe someday this 'diet' will catch on and then eating for nourishment will become normal??? One can hope.

(And I just want to add - I *love* your blog. I stumbled upon it a few months ago and always look forward to your posts.)

Fantastic insight! I've been considering buying the book "Body Clutter" (already suggesteed by somebody) because she talks about the same thing - looking inside and finding out _why_ we've gained weight! Maybe she asks the remaining questions you haven't found yet...

Thank you for your frank and open essays. This one definately made me think (I've gained weight since my divorce, too), others make me laugh, and many of them make me notice something in my own life.

Keep up this kind of introspective and you'll continue to be an extremely healthy, strong woman. Love yourself first. You can't love anyone else more than you love yourself. That didn't make sense to me for the longest time...

Oh my GOD!!!!! I so know exactly what you are talking about. Being invisible as a form of protection has been my whole life. And like you it was because I was terribly hurt by a man, although my man was my father. Now, I realize I am just hurting myself.

W. :)

Oh my GOD!!!!! I so know exactly what you are talking about. Being invisible as a form of protection has been my whole life. And like you it was because I was terribly hurt by a man, although my man was my father. Now, I realize I am just hurting myself.

W. :)

Wow! Good for you for choosing to be good to yourself. You obviously respect yourself a good deal, and that's great. I enjoyed my cup of coffee and your blog immensely. But it made me put away the potato chips. Hmm.

I think you are on the right track now, i totally understand you wanting to be invisible and your weight helped you do that. I think emotional hiding we all do to some degree and we all do it in a different way. I wish you all the best and just remember it is you that needs to be happy with you, don't care what other people think or say.

This post has nothing but positive vibes all over it! This is the way I live and I feel it's rewards every day - I wish you the same.

Yay, you!!

Dearling and All Readers: Having read all the msgs I love you ALL! :o) Let me pass along one thought for you (us) all. A VERY wise person once said we should live by the Stewardess Directions School: In case of a problem, put your OWN oxygen mask on FIRST.....then help the folks around you. It is neither selfish, thoughtless or uncaring to take care of Number One first; then you'll be able to care for anyone or anything else. (Repeat three times)

We love you just the way you are! Way to go on viewing life as life and truly wanting a good quailty of life. You have just driven home to me a concept I've been battling with. How do you NOT diet?

I think you've finally found the answer. I've always struggled with weight as well, and thought I looked like the 720 pound woman even though I was about 500 pounds less. So after years of what you've described, trying every fad diet known to man, and exercising myself crazy... I resorted to bariatric surgery. HUGE mistake. The surgery went VERY wrong (after 3 surgeries in two weeks, I ended up in a coma and on life support).. a year of recovery and now into my third year post surgery with extreme post traumatic stress disorder related to that whole ordeal...(that I'm just NOW getting enough courage to finally start trying to deal with it) not to mention some pretty damn hideous scars.. I have also learned that what you have just started doing is the ONLY way to ever achieve any kind of a healthy weight. No fads, no self punishment... just plain old healthy eating.. everything in moderation. It's the only way no matter HOW many diet books are on the shelf saying otherwise. So glad that you're learning it in a much easier way than I did.

You're in my prayers girl. Give yourself this gift of just being good to you.

I found your blog yesterday while looking for a knitted hat pattern. (it will be my first) Your walk-through of the easy roll brim hat had me in tears. Thanks. It also made me want to read more!
I went on to read the most recent 2 months of blogs and I'm hooked. I look forward to the time when I can go back and start from the beginning.

You seem to be a very strong woman who has some insights into life that have really hit home for me.

Thank you for sharing.

Here's to a Healthy & Happy 2007!

I'm working my way out of a 'not good enough/don't deserve to be happy' state of apathy right now myself. This post helps. Thank you. And good for you.

Thanks Laurie. I am so there with you. I think I may take a walk today and forgo the elevator.

Go you!! Yay for being healthy and happy!

Great job Laurie. Thanks for writing and being who you are. You make my days better. Daryl

Thanks for sharing that, Laurie. It sounds like you've really rounded a bend there, one that can be really hard to do. It's just a whole different paradigm, isn't it? Sometimes this just be healthy approach feels like it just isn't enough (all or nothing! all or nothing!), but in the end it really is far, far, healthier. It's fantastic that you've been able to find that place where each meal is just a meal, not a make it or break it situation. Kudos to you!

you go girl!

Loved this post - and all the comments. I've been lurking for a couple weeks - can't even remember how I found your blog, but I absolutely love it, even tho' I'm neither a cat person, nor a knitter. I was, however, single until age 42. I've been thinking a lot lately about nutrition and fitness and feeling discouraged that I can't lose the 10 pounds I really should lose. All the shows/books seem to focus on the 100-pound weight loss and that's wonderful, but what about us who are just slowly creeping up? WHen does that STOP? WHy can't I do what it takes to lose 10 freaking pounds? I have slowly been coming to the same conclusions - take the pressure off with all the rules and goals and just take a day at a time for a lifetime. I am doing so much better than I was 5 years ago as far as consistently keeping active and really watching what I eat (yah, even counting calories - trying to do that until I get a better idea of what's going in) Someone commented on the "It's good ENOUGH" and "Slow and Steady Wins the Race" mantras - I think they must have been peeking in my brain as those are my new "rules" too - oops, had to have SOME rules!

Your blog is the first one I click when Bloglines says there's a new post. Your honesty, insights, and humor inspire me so much!

I've been practicing "eat to live, not live to eat" in the last couple years. It takes a long time to scrape away the layers of bad, old habits, but once in a while I see the progress and know I'm sculpting a better life. Onward!

Yeah yeah yeah!

And me too. Yeah, I guess me, too.

Good for you Laurie!

Focus on your health, which is something you do for YOU and not dieting, which seems to be about pleasing other people. Your blog hit me over the head - it hits home my struggles over the past few years. Good luck with your positive approach - be healthy, eat healthy, and walks!

By the way - looking at your pictures on this website over the past 2 years - you are really beautiful. My wish for you in 2007 is that you will realize it and believe it and not beat yourself up about your looks. Live out loud as a gorgeous, strong, blonde lady!

Bravo. Just deciding to forego fast food and the 7-11 will make a tremendous difference. I didn't have a weight issue my whole life until the past 5 years. I've never been skinny, but no issues. All of a sudden whether it is my age or what, something changed. I always ate pretty healthily. Rarely eat out. Cook at home a lot. But it didn't matter. In my case, apparently, my body has decided it doesn't like carbs much anymore. It took countless sessions at Weight Watchers (who I endorse whole heartedly) LA Weightloss (where I felt like I joined the Moonies) and hours of walking without losing even one lb, before I broke down and made an appointment with the nutritionist in my doc's office. (A doctor with a nutritionist, a revelation.) Did bloodwork and noticed a few changes, all within normal, but changes, and suggested I withdraw ALL carbs for a few weeks to see what happened. (I regret to tell you that it included not a drop of alcohol.) It worked. I'm now adjusting to a "new normal". Wine however is definitely part of the new normal.

Everybody is different. Do what fits you! That is the best "diet" you can choose.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant Laurie. I was not bored at all by this condensed version of your paper diary. Hundreds, perhaps thousands, of men and women are going through the exact same struggle that you are experiencing right now. I think you have made a healthy choice, a holistic choice, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will benefit from it. Listen to your body more than you listen to your mind, and you will soon become the person you'd like to be.

{{{{HUG}}}}
What a great post, wordiness and all ;) You've once again blogged my life.

Enjoy the food. Taste it. Savor it. Pair it with a nice wine occasionally. Eat to be healthy and enjoy life? What a crazy idea!!!! lol

The "all or nothing" mentality has gotten me in the same trap my whole life, too. congratulations on noticing it and starting to break the habit as early as you are. It will save you tons in therapy time!

Thanks so much for this - you've hit so many nails on the head I don't know where to start! So just... thanks! And being able to drag it from your head and put it into words is an amazing talent!

You are a wise woman, Laurie, and getting wiser by the minute.

Thanks so much for this - you've hit so many nails on the head I don't know where to start! So just... thanks! And being able to drag it from your head and put it into words is an amazing talent!

You have such amazing honesty and heart, Laurie.

I haven't read Oz's book, but the philosophy sounds similar to one of my favorites, Superfoods Rx. It's here on Amazon. It's about 14 foods that are just really good for your body AND it includes substitutions for those foods if you want to mix it up. And it has some recipes. It's not something I live my life by or anything, but it's definitely a worthwhile reference.

Yay for you! I hear you on the "helpful advice" part. Regardless of whatever it is, weight, health, allergies, people want to help, but I also start fantasizing about innappropriate responses.

Thank you, Laurie. I am in the midst of a binge cycle of eating. And I am *so* tired of it. I never wanted to be like this.

Every word of that post rang so true, and was so beautiful, I have nothing to add but a heartfelt "Amen!!" While I'm sure you don't consciously aspire to it, you are amazingly inspiring, Laurie.

Laurie,

This is wonderful! And cooking healthy can be so much fun. Especially when you live somewhere where you can get yummy fresh produce year round at farmers' markets, you lucky thing. (I'm in Minnesota. We have farmers' markets, ah...May through September, or thereabouts. Currently, "fresh" is defined as "won't spoil before tomorrow".)

Anyway, I wanted to point you and anyone else who might be interested to my favorite free recipe site!

http://www.recipezaar.com/

You can filter recipes by ingredients (got some fresh squash you don't know what to do with?), dietary wants/needs (low-fat, low-cal, vegetarian, etc), preparation (30 minutes or less, grill, bake, crockpot, whatever) and lots of other categories. I've found literally hundreds of lovely healthy recipes here.

P.S. There are even low cal desserts. Mmmmm!

Laurie,
You are always so insightful in everything you write regarding your feelings. I so love that about you. I, too, can relate to your weight "issues."
And, I just want to say, when I read this line: "Why is it that when you weigh less people seem to value you more?" I lost my breath. It.is.so.true. I know this firsthand -- I lost 100 lbs after having my first child (and have since gained many of those pounds back after my second child, divorce, quitting smoking, death of ex-spouse. . . ), and, for realz -- the difference in the way people treated me when I was thin is unbelievable. Sickening, really. I am the same person now, just fluffier. So, thank you for putting that out there -- I'm sure no one really knows the answer to the question, but I"m glad somebody said it.

I love this post. But I have a stupid question for you. Do you change into sneakers for you walk or change your whole outfit or what? I wear a lot of suits, and I feel like walking around in the high heels would not be the best move.

Laurie, you are my hero. Good for you!

The most honest thing I have ever read about weight & food.

I am taking a 20 minute walk most days again & mostly it improves my mental health.

I have been reading your blog now for a couple months. I first started reading because I'm a crazed knitter, but I kept reading because you are a funny, articulate, smart woman and I admire you and your writing skills. You and the Yarn Harlot are part of my daily blog reading routine now. Keep up your self-discovery and grab life and live it for all you're worth.

!YAY!!HUGS!dance around!HUGS!
Ditch the scale and you will be the newest convert to the "no diet" lifestyle. Seriously - toss the scale, muscle weighs more than fat. Get a sewing tape measure, make a few measurments, put the tape and the list away and don't look at them for at LEAST 3 months. You might want to jot down how out-of-breath you are at the top of a flight of stairs too.

I have recently acheved my goal of only having 2 sodas a week (did it for 3 months so now it's a habit) and am now working on 3 fruit/veggies a day.

I too, love your blog - you say what people think but don't/can't/won't say.

no spell checker was opened in this post :-) sorry

It really is that simple isn't it. I have been on a diet my whole life too and yet I'm still overweight. I have given up on diets too. But this may just be the key for me too. I think it'll still be hard to choose healthier foods instead of that pizza with extra cheese - but at least it's not saying all you can eat today is this grapefruit.

Thanks for sharing - I know how hard it is to do!

It never fails to amaze, how well I can relate to everything you write even though some of the things you write about I have no experience with. You have such a great gift for putting what's in your head onto paper (or keyboard). Keep up your hard work, it's paying off SO well. Hugs!

You are right on, girlfriend. I wonder why I do this to myself, too.

The funny thing is, if I ate as healthfully as my son does (because I am VERY careful about what goes in his mouth!), I would easily and naturally get to a healthy weight. Why don't I look after my own health as carefully and lovingly as I do his? Guess it's time to start!

Good for you for rejecting the prepackaged pop culture theme of 'If you're fat/even mildly overweight you are somehow less worthy and therefore must diet posthaste' (except not as wordy).
I think your idea of eating good food and engaging in a moderate amount of exercise is great. I understand the urge to be, if not skinnier, then at least healthier.
Again, I'm happy for you for taking control like this. It's really cool :-)

Yeah, I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I gained weight in my 20s after a date rape experience. Yes, the extra weight (and it doesn't take that much) has kept me safe from the sexual attentions of the wrong men..and probably the right ones too. Though aren't the right ones supposed to see through your weight? Yeah, right.

I lost 25 pounds on WW last year after a senior citizen tried to give her seat up on the bus because she thought I was pregnant. Then I hit a wall. I don't want to spend the rest of my life counting WW points. As Rosie once asked, THIS is living?

I have been trying to find my own plan but I'm still trying. I am a perfectionist too. If I can only walk for 28 minutes I feel like a failure.

I love your blog, but haven't posted until now. I loved this post and it reminded me of an interview I heard not long ago on Craftsanity. This gal sounds like someone you would like

http://www.ourladyofweightloss.com/

Here's the interview

http://www.craftsanity.com/podcast/files/category-31.html

I think the word "diet" should be stricken from the dictionary!

Good luck, sweetheart! You sound so healthy and strong. I'm so glad to have been given the chance to read every single word! Hang brevity.

Delurking to say a big "thank you" for sharing this post with us. I came to the same conclusions several months ago and it's nice to know someone else is on the same page.

Ahhhh, lunch time walks, love them. Wish I worked near you so I could join you.

Please always treat youself like you are #1, nobody else can treat you better than yourself, only you know what truely makes you happy.

Love ya CAP, you are a very wise and beautiful woman.

Amen, you took the words right out of my mouth!!
Good luck and great life!

I bet my diary reads a lot like yours. :) Protection from the world is a big theme in the relationship between food and emotions, but I have also found that I am literally holding myself in sometimes - all of this extra "stuff" between my skin and my bones is my spirit aching to get out. My fear keeps me eating and it inside.
Have you seen Geneen Roth's books? She helped me be a lot more conscious about how I relate to what goes in my mouth (love you white chocolate rasberry cheesecake!)

With the number of comments you receive, I'm often hesitant to add yet another to the mix, but then you express something I can't keep my mouth shut about. Living on the 'skinney' end of scale isn't always a joy either. Trust me, I get my share of wisecracks and remarks. It gets as tiresome, frustrating and resentment building as it is for overweight people getting dieting tips. Excuse me world, but this is the way I was made, so get over it already. Okay, I've ranted. Now, the real heart of the comment is I say I think your developing new attitude towards your weight issues is perfect, and I applaud you. Whatever your size, as long as you're healthy and happy in your own skin, "you" are beautiful. If that state of being doesn't meet the world's requirements for beauty, then, well, %#@& them! And remember, we CAP blog readers think you're grand!

Wow - truth.

Delurking...the best diet advice I've ever received is to view healthfulness as a characteristic. Characteristics are generally true about you, but if you act in an uncharacteristic manner, it's not the end of the world. I.e., I (hypothetically) can be characterized as a healthy person, but I just scarfed a donut, which is okay once in a while because I'm characteristically healthy (hypothetically). Scarfing donuts at every opportunity (less hypothetical, unfortunately) would be more of a junk-food addict characteristic. Sigh.

Oh, Laurie, BTDT! Cheers to you for living healthy each day! Say good-bye to the weight/diet rollercoaster. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.

All it takes is finding what works for YOU. Two years ago it took a challenge from my partner to wake my once fat ass up.

He won, but in the end...didn't we both? (if you consider we both lost around 30lbs, I think so)

I know you don't know me from Adam, but, I am around if you feel like an email buddy to help you through this. I know what it feels like (as many others do, too) and can be a rockin' cheerleader!

My favorite posts are your "wordy", introspective ones. As a life-long dieter I too have "been there, done that, felt that". You put it better than I ever could, though. Good luck with the healthy eating and walking routine--I started walking yesterday. Today I'm getting back into my beloved water aerobics if it warms up enough.

I deserve to be healthy and happy--we all do.

I think you're BRILLIANT. People only go on diets because they're sexy (in their own bizarre way) and they promise instant results, which really, is a little too-slow these days for most everyone's tastes, but hey - we take what we can get, right? What you're talking about, eating smartly to be healthy, isn't sexy, it isn't fast - it is simply smart and it means that you're being as nice to yourself as you probably are to millions of other people on a daily basis. It's also scary as hell because it means that when you get upset or freak out about something from work you realize that yeah, you can eat that peanut-butter cup, but it's just *so* bad for you - so you suddenly realize that if you eat it, the junk at work is STILL THERE and that at the very least if you go for a 30 minute work the junk is still there but at least you're mentally in a better place to deal with it. And realizing that and dealing with all of that really makes you deal with the daily small & big crap in your life instead of just eating through it - which has always been my favorite way to work things.

Eat what is smart, move your butt, and make your peace with the results is my motto - and only my obituary could tell you the final results, because there is no *end* point to this sort of thing - it's a lifetime deal with all of the accompanying ups and downs. Boring but strangely fun at the same time - kind of like my Thursday nights, if truth be told... ;>

Laurie, thanks so much for putting your thoughts out there. I have the same issues with my weight. When I got divorced it was like a free-for-all with my eating. Actually, before then, when things started to get bad in my marriage is when I started to gain weight. I was trying to be invisible...to hide. I am now done (mostly) with hiding, and am becoming a healthier me. I applaud you for your insights, your courage to share them, and your intent to do something about it. You go girl! Thank you for keeping it real and living out loud as you always do.

Rockin' post, as usual. Hiding behind fat? Oh yeah, been there, done that, only instead of doing it to hide from a failed relationship, I was punishing my body for "failing me" through the stillbirth of my first son. Two more pregnancies later (and one healthy birth), my healthy son is almost five, and last year I finally got my head around what I was doing to my body and was ready to stop. I'm forty pounds lighter now and feeling so much better physically for it. But the mental changes are still immensely hard for me... now that I'm thinner, I feel so much more self-conscious about how I look.

People who've never battled their weight just don't get that it's not just about the food. Thank you again, for being so willing to be honest, where so many of us can see that we're not alone.

You realize that "diet" begins with the word "die," right?

The best book on eating well (not dieting) that I've come across lately is the Superfoods RX book. There's some hype in it (there always is -- you can't sell a health book without hype these days), but there's also a lot of good science. While I don't get obsessive about making sure I eat all fourteen categories of Super Foods all the time, I do use it as a general guide when I do the meal planning and shopping for the week. It goes beyond just "eat your fruits and vegetables" and shows you which fruits and vegetables give you the most nutrient "bang" for your calorie "buck," then lumps them into general categories to pick and choose from.

The lunch recipes in the back are sort of useless, because they presume you'll go trotting home at noon to your professionally-designed kitchen and whip up a nice salmon mousse or some such thing. But the rest of the book is useful, and makes for some pretty good reading.

Any book that says to eat lots of blueberries is fine by me. Mmm, byoo-berries!

Laurie,
I've never posted before but have been reading your blog forever it seems, today what I read felt like it came from inside my head.
I have had a miserable relationship with food and my body since I can remember. My mom put me on my first diet when I was 7 years old and I've been hiding from myself (and everyone else) since. I would lose weight (or at least torture myself for a few weeks) for others. When I would be in a skinny phase I was absolutely horrified by how differently people treated me. I also coped with trauma in life by gaining weight and hiding, and then blaming my life's problems on my weight.
Just over the past month I started writing everyday in a journal about this whole issue, documenting every day life so I can find where my unhealthy patterns lie, why I'm so unkind to my body. I have had an epiphany that turns out is very similar to your new way of thinking.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm not the only person who struggles with problems like these and that maybe there is hope for real, lasting, life-long change.
You're a rock-star!
LL

I'm right there with you on the all or nothing extravaganza, but you've given me a lot to think about. Here's to all of us being just a little healthier in the new year.

I love making and eating healthy foods. I quit smoking nearly five years ago because it became more of a pain in the behind than a pay off. It took nearly four years of getting it to be a pain, but I did it. The -40 temps for three months were the death knell for that bad habit. Never thought I'd be happy it was that frickin' cold.
I've been lucky enough not to have a weight problem. I think the Hypoglycemia had more to do with that than my lifestyle or eating habits though. I do have to eat right and pay attention to the benefits of what I eat so I can manage my blood sugar levels though. After a while, it becomes second nature.
Best of luck on a plugged in life. It's a nice place to be.

this is awesome. i have been going through something similar in my own head with regard to weight loss and health. i've been somehow less emotional and more matter-of-fact about things lately. and yes yes yes to seeing your life as a continuum instead of a series of starts and stops defined by your diet and exercise regime! i'm so linking to this post. :)

I could have written this word for word. Thank you for for verbalizing what I have been going through and feeling.

holy crap, it's like you got into my head and pulled out exactly what I've been feeling for the last 3 years, all Professor Dumbledore-style. After my divorce, I decided "you aren't hear to tell me I can't eat this, you're not attracted to me when I'm fat, etc., so I'm going to platform dive into a bag of chips!! TAKE THAT!!"....and now, here I am, feeling good, new life, new man, and still fat. But you inspired me with this post. No huggy, kissy, perky "you can do it!! you just need to believe, etc" crap from a tiny person who doesn't know how it feels to be winded just from making the bed in the morning. Thanks!

This was a fantastic post, and absolutely spot on.

laurie - i've been reading your blog for a while, and this latest post made me want to sing! what a perfect way of putting what so many of us have struggled with for years... thank you for sharing what's going on inside of you, because it made me feel less alone. and i am also an all or nothing girl, so i have many failed diets under my belt.

I am right there with you. I was carefully reading "You on a Diet" with my highlighter and I got through all the nuts and bolts about your digestive system and got to the soul chapter and there was a sentece that said something like, "deep down inside is the paralyzing fear that you don't deserve to be thin." and I burst into tears! And I am not a burst into tears gal at all. It really made me think and think and think some more. I am tired of the food obsession too. Here's to just living our lives! and 30 minute walks, too! Best of luck to everybody struggling with this and Laurie, thanks again for sharing your thoughts. Love your blog and read it every day. Friday hugs to you and your herd.

Amen. And, by the karma of coincidence, this blog entry is a nice follow-up:

http://theseatedview.blogspot.com/2007/01/broken-record.html

Laurie, I have no advice for you, only approval.

Yeah, what you said.

Throw out all those diet books--everyone should just read your blog entry, and they'd have all the info they need. Same goes for all the magazines and media that show the "ideal" women and teen girls...Toss 'em, I say! My ten year old daughter is quite slim, like I used to be, but I am very careful not to talk negatively about weight around her. Just yesterday, I remarked that I will go to her school family night at the waterpark this year and I think I'll wear a suit (last year, no way). She asked why I'd wear one this year but not last? I made a quick save, replying, "Because I'm in better shape now to climb all those stairs up to the slides." I've been doing the 30 minute walk thing, and trying to eat healthy, and I feel pretty good about it. It's taken a long, long time, but it's so worth it! I don't fit the "ideal" you see on TV or magazines, but I think I'm just fine. Thanks so much for your inspirational words!

So interesting that you just posted this today. I have just made this same decision! I have never been a dieter. The only thing I ever did was South Beach. The first time I did it I lost 5 pounds the first week and it was great for my cholesterol. But I couldn’t stay on it (read= I am a carb addict). The second time I did it, I gained 4 pounds.
So NO MORE. Healthy is the way to go. The weight will take care of itself. I’ve only been really paying attention to this for less than a week and I’ve already lost 2 pounds. My problem is portion control. If I like something I want to eat 70 pounds of it.
But a thin (but healthy thin) friend of mine said something that really struck me and makes all the sense in the world. She said, “I don’t eat until I’m full. I only eat until I’m no longer hungry.” I am really trying to do that. But it’s hard. For me anyway.

Hi Laurie
Great post - I am delurking to comment. I was reading an article about this book: http://tinyurl.com/24re5s - Neris and India's Idiot-Proof Diet - earlier today and they were also talking about the emotional side of dieting, which is so often overlooked in diet books. I have to say your new plan to stop dieting, just eat healthy and do a little bit of excercise is great - go for it! I'm really lucky and have never been on a diet, but my flatmate, who has, says she's surprised to find herself eating less now she's eating 'Katie-sized meals', as she's snacking less and feeling less guilty - and my sized meals are farm-worker sized! I think it's down to healthy, homecooked food and a bit of excercise. It's not rocket science. All those books, I reckon, just make people feel guilty. You are definitely on the right track!

Right there with you. Thank you for being so eloquent. I'm currently just trying to make the right choices for each day myself. I am exercising, at home because that way it's solitary still, and I hate it but I do feel better when I do it. Sometimes you need to be alone and sometimes you need to know others are in their aloneness with you. Thank you.

Hi Laurie,

I read your blog faithfully everyday; because you keep me in stitches (I'm also an avid knitter with 5 cats), but I have never posted a comment before.

BRAVO FOR YOU GIRL!! What a wonderfully sensible way to think about it. Like every other woman I know, I think I am "more" worthwhile, the thinner I am. Your words are very powerful. Life is a journey, we shouldn't be thinking about getting skinny for an event; we should be thinking about being healthy for life!!

Cool! I think this will work wonders for your happiness and well being.

If you feel like it, would you share what you bring to luch with us. I'd love to bring healthy lunches to work more often, but run out of ideas by Wednesday.

Keep up the un-dieting!

Wow! Look at all these comments! You're never going to see mine...

*pouty face

You are beautiful and I'm sending this link on to my best friend. I think she could use your words of wisdom on this issue. Do you have ANY idea how awesome you are? I mean, really. You rock!

Hooray for you!! You're right on the money - keep on NOT dieting. :)

You have just described me as well. I've been contemplating the same thing. I want to do better for me. And it needs to start with what I take in. Thanks Lady! Big Hugs!

I know all about the insulation/protection/barrier/comfort/invisibility "beneficial" aspects of being overweight. Intimately. At some point I'd like to get to the place where you are. I hope you'll keep writing publicly about this, because as vulnerable as it may make you feel to do so, you can't imagine how much it might be helpful to many others, including me.

Thanks for continuing to live out loud, Laurie. :-)

Thank you so much sharing your story with us! Your thoughts on body issues are so well-put and SANE in this essay...especially compared to all the messages out there about "make-overs" and diets and "self-improvement". I'm going to print it out and look at it every day to fortify myself against all the bad advice that comes my way.

I catch myself putting stuff off and dreaming about the day that I'm back to my undergrad weight. It's so much more important to live in the present and eat because it tastes good and is wholesome and walk because you feel better. I think this is the secret the diet industry doesn't want us to know: We have the power to be healthy and happy without them!

I hope to pass this message on to the high school kids I work with, too.

Thanks!

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Good on ya for stepping out of the cycle - it's tough.

I keep saying out loud that you are one smart cookie, and there you go again - proving my point!

Seriously though, I think your outlook is very wise, and will definitely lead to a healthier, slimmer you. I have the kind of metabolism that makes me gain weight very easily. I also figured out the same thing you have. If I eat healthy foods and THINK about what I'm eating, I stay fairly slender. And my hair and skin looks good too.

So, kudos, kiddo! Keep up the good work!

OK, I know this is the eleventy-billionth comment and what I want to say has been said by a lot of other people but I can't not comment on this post. Think you have been in my head as well! Using food to hide from emotions - check; using fat to keep me invisible - check; using fat to blame things on - check (what the hell happens if I loose weight and still no one shows any interest in me, what can I blame then?). For me I think the hiding from emotion and hiding from myself is the main thing I use food for, that and coping with anger, this then comes out as self loathing which at the extreme hits the binging, purging, self harm cycle I got in when a serious relationship went wrong and this was the only way I could find to cope and haven't been able to move away from over the last 9 years.

I've printed your post off and am going to take it home and do some serious thinking. But it is going to have to wait until after the weekend as I have got a birthday weekend of food and beer to get through first!!

Even if you don't read this, thank youXX

I've been exactly at the place you are right now. It was October 2004. I weighed 250lbs and I am 5'3". Things clicked for me when someone I didn't even know told me, in front of atleast 10 other people, that I was "too fat, and didn't fit in" at this gathering. I was horrified. I sobbed all the way home, and decided that no one was ever going to say that to me again. Not those words.

I could rattle off a list of things I did to lose weight, but you are right... you have to find a lifestyle plan, not just a diet plan. And what works for one may not work for the other. As ironic as it is, the stuff that I did to originally lose weight is not working well as I try and lose the last 20.

You just have to find things that you enjoy. Cooking can be a real pleasure. Get yourself some new spices and toss out the salt. Grabs some healthy cookbooks at the bookstore, and start experimenting. You can make some incredible meals... and healthy cooking can become a favorite pasttime! Just serve yourself using smaller plates, and don't take second helpings. A nice mix of healthy food and small portions.

Find an exercise you enjoy. Walking is phenominal. That is so great that you reap so many benefits from your daytime walk. You could use this new favorite activity in so many ways. Charity walks like March of Dimes. Make a team from Stitch and Bitch, and do your favorite activites with some of your favorite people. You don't have to join a gym. I work out at home with videos. Those work for me. Find what you like, and use it in every way possible. That will help you build a healthy lifestyle.

I lost 100lbs, but that does not make me an expert. But, it does allow me to respond here because I know how you feel. I know what it is like to walk up to a store and no one stops to hold the door for you. But, if there was a thin woman ahead of you, the door would be held. I know how it feels to not have anyone look you in the eye, or have people walk in front of you instead of next to you. My ex used to do that all the time. Like he was ashamed to be seen next to me. I used to try and make small talk with strangers, but noticed that many would not respond very much at all -- they were probably uncomfortable being seen talking to me.

Sure, some of these things could have been my own insecurities sprouting their heads... but you DO get treated differently. You are seen differently. I don't know why either... it just happens. People do it without thinking. You don't have to settle for that crap, hun. You deserve to be treated like a human being.

But... no one is going to treat you like you deserve until YOU do.

I guess I wanted to be disengaged from my own life for a while, and putting on the pounds definitely achieved the goal.

I've never thought of it that way. Gaining weight or in some cases, losing weight, as a means to remove oneself from one's own life. The easist thing to do in times of disengagement is to just bunker down and eat without a care in the world. And in someways it's better than drinking yourself into a stupor, or at least that's how it goes for me.

Nice, Laurie.

Hi Laurie,

Yep, you're certainly not the only one. I put on that fabulous 40 pounds or so slowly, over the last couple years, as I disengaged from life for various reasons (not all of them bad). I hear what you're saying about it serving a purpose for a while, but it not being beneficial any more. I've never been a dieter ("hello, willpower? Are you in there?"), so I would mostly just feel bad about myself and have a cookie. This is probably marginally less effective than dieting.

But this month I've started a new approach. It's a science experiment. I want to see what will happen to my study subject (me) if I track all the inputs and outputs and then change them over time. I have this rather complex Excel spreadsheet that I got from a world-class marathoner. It tracks calories, fat, protein, carbs, fiber, and calcium, as well as daily servings of fruits and vegetables, and any calorie expenditures (like exercise...or sex...or whatever). I'm planning to add columns to track water intake, magnesium, and iron, since I think the study subject is far below the USRDA in those areas. The Excel sheet converts all these numbers into nifty little charts so that you can see the correlations between everything.

I know this sounds slightly obsessive, but I sort of feel about it like you maybe feel about knitting. It's fussy and there's a lot of counting involved, but somehow quantifying it in this way takes all the emotion out of it. It's simply an experiment so that I can understand what's happening in my body when I provide it with different stimulus. The goal isn't to lose weight, but to get healthy by getting the right kinds of nutrients.

A nutritionist friend of mine once said, "If all you want to do is lose 10 pounds, that's easy. Just cut off your arm. But if your goal is to get healthier, I can probably help you with that."

Peace,
DeAnna

You sound so comfortable with this, it must be the right path for you. Well done finding it, and thank you for sharing it with us. This is one of the many things you've written that will come to mind unbidden, and I'll think on it more and learn and grow. Neat-o.

I'd like to share one observation my friend Anne made that just floored me. Okay, two.

One, she says women dress for other women, not men. Still not sure how I feel about that one, but it's different and definitely possible.

Two, people often can tell a lot about another person's esteem in society based on their weight, and Anne says these days, being fit and trim is a sign of financial success and high status, because it takes money and time and freedom from other burdens to attain that level of fitness.

For my part, I would like to allow myself to get used to being a bit bigger - I quit smoking and realized that I had started wearing the refrigerator - now, I've leveled out at a slightly bigger size, and I'm not sure I WANT to lose the weight again. I want to be comfortable with myself and have that comfort come through in my stance and general way of being.

It's all about finding - and keeping - the self respect.

Yay to you again for typing the truth so well.

Best,
Becky

hear, hear! Thank you Laurie for saying it so well: "We know exactly what to do, we just don't do it." The answer to why-do-my-pants-fit-too-tight is simple--I'm not burning more fuel than I put in the tank. And like you, I figured out the harder why of why-DON'T-I-just-do-it. It seems that because of recent "personal growth" (ha,ha) in another area (not a physical one)that I may well actually start just doing it without it seeming like complete torture. I realized that as much as I hate other people putting me in a box and sticking a label on me, I have been doing that TO MYSELF TOO. Too much pressure ON MYSELF to be this, fix this, get it together so that my happy life can start. I swear, I think I saw pretty lights and heard trumpets sound when this thought hit me--I am, physically-mentally-emotionally-financially-whateverly, exactly as I am right now. There will be things that change, there will be things that may not. But it is what it is RIGHT NOW and anyone who can't handle that can just move out of my way. I will no longer refuse to live the life available to me just because it isn't the life I want/wanted/thought I wanted. And I'm thinking that I want to be healthy to live it. I'm guessing that being healthy will have the added benefit of reducing my squishiness. Some days the healthier-ness will be more about what I eat, some days more about my level of physical activity, some days it will be about both! And yes, some days may be about a few choice chocolates, snuggly jammies & being lazy because sometimes that's what's needed for mental health (& by extension physical--stress kills, baby).

Good for you Laurie. Know that you are loved as you are and as you will be!

GRIEF BACON!!!!

*snort*

just joining the chorus of "amen", sister.

Go you!!! This self-same plan totally worked for me, and I've lost almost 30 pounds in 8 months. Good luck to you!

Not that you don't have an ample supply of comments already, but in the spirit of delurking, I thought I would pipe up and say...

Trying to be healthy rather than thin is awesome. So is being happy in your own skin. More women should try to emulate you. Besides, curves are pretty!

Wow. This was a really great entry.

I discovered your blog through a friend of mine who knits. I used to knit but alas, I've fallen out of practice.

You are so brave to put all that into words. Thank you.

I'm just visiting your website for the first today, but I wanted to commend you on writing such an excellent post. I think it's important to write about weight issues, no matter which side of the spectrum you fall on (http://www.zandria.us/archives/000933.html).

I enjoyed reading your "About" page as well. I lived in northern L.A. county for a year (Lancaster/Palmdale area; I returned to the east coast last summer), and I commuted to the Valley to work, so I can relate to the horrendous traffic that you have to endure. :)

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Amen, sister.
Love Your Life.
You are gorgeous.

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What a helpful post...
I fight being thin regularly. That barrier theory is spot on...
I was blaming it on Thyroid issues, but how long can I keep doing that?
I've started taking my lunch to work, cutting out fast food, and practicing portion control... baby steps. I can already see a small weightloss after 2 weeks. My body loves the fresh food, and fast food is starting to sound greasy, heavy, and kinda gross.
Love your posts... and knits and kitties!

A couple of years ago I decided that I was tired of being overweight and I did exactly what you are doing. First I cut out almost 300 lbs of ugly fat and I divorced my husband. Then I cut out junk food, (and OMG was that hard!) and then I started walking. The more you walk, the more you will WANT to walk. Endorphins are a wonderful thing. I decided to let myself become addicted to endorphins instead of Ding Dongs and it has really worked out for me.

The only thing better than just plain walking is walking with an IPOD in your ears. The only problem with that is you have to decide if you really care what the other walkers think about the crazy woman with the IPOD who is singing along with The Killers,(la la la oh..."somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like I girlfriend that I had in February of last year"...la la la.) at the top of her lungs. I have reached the point where I don't. I'm a two time cancer survivor and I've truly decided that if something makes me happy and it's not hurting anyone then I'm going to do it. So, I walk, I sing, I'm happy. Join me, won't you?

Thank you.

Thanks for sharing this Laurie. I especially got what you said about quality. "Is this quality?" I've been thinking alot about quality and that I deserve quality in my life. I realized I never really thought, deep down, that I deserved quality. Quality was for people who were wealthy or outgoing or who understood the arts. Wrong. quality, especially quality food, is for everyone who decides to choose it.

Thank you for your openness to share something so personal. My wife just sent me a note, we both read your blog for the humor and fun and she told me she wants to take dance lessons with me after reading your post. I've asked her numerous times but she said she wants to get in shape first. It’s been a few years now, I think since when we saw “Shall we Dance”. I don't see her size, I just see the love in her eyes for me and that's all I ever wanted. I’ve been gifted with the really tall gene so when I put on 20 lbs it doesn’t show as bad but I have been her partner and done the gym and diets and I agree it's a change to how you live and not a temporary shift in your mentality that can’t give you long term results. You may never realize the difference you have on all the lurkers who read you inspiring words. We pass a dance studio on our way to the Wednesday night knit group (we both knit) and I always admire the people in their later years dancing there and sharing the time together doing something fun. I’m looking forward to being on the inside of the studio instead of just peering in as we drive by, holding the woman I love in my arms and moving as one with the music. I know you will feel good about your self and the feeling will project to others around you and then people start asking you if you changed your hair or something and you will just have an inner smile and know you changed your life. (for the better)

Great plan!
Whatever you do- do NOT waste the Snickers on someone's heiney!

Good girl! Congratulations!

Congratulations on the start of your new life! I guarantee that your decision will be the best one you have ever made! YAY!!

Wow Aunt P, you are making such fantastic choices for yourself, I love it!! The part about eating foods that are good for you but not being OCD about it, the part about going on a daily walk, love it!!

For me it's more about the relationship with food (having a good one) and enjoying the excercise I do (I love walks!)

Congrats on these wonderful changes in your life!

You speak for most of us in your entry today. BRAVO! Standing next to my tiny, petite, size zero girlfriends I always felt like a giant moose, not because I'm necessarily overweight (I'm a size 8 and toned, but realize in our world this is considered fat), but more because I'm naturally athletic and have a different shape than most girls...in other words, I came out of the womb with a J Lo. ass! I used to fight it and cry thinking "Why can't I just look like the other girls in their size zero designer Jeans and have a chalkboard ass?". Then I started to love myself and I realized that being unique is extrordinary (afterall, why flock with the flat-ass herd of sheep?) and that women were envious of traits I had, and never focused on before. This concept was groundbreaking for me - that women envied parts of my body or looks??? I found out they were envious I could climb Half Dome, or run a marathon, or looked like a Marilyn Monroe silouette in a pencil skirt that made men drool (apparently). Their perception was totally different from my own and once I reconized that being different was not a curse but rather made me standout, I started to focus on these traits versus the cellulite on my back thighs. I never thought of these things before they pointed them out to me. Now I embrace my differences.

It's not about diet, what you eat, or how much you run - it's about looking at yourself and focusing on what you love about you. I know you have many beautiful strengths both inside and out - and I don't even know ya! The right man will love everything about you and never criticize you. If he does, then he's a bozo, and it's loss - cut him loose. I used to be paranoid about how men perceived my rear side but now I just say "I'm bootylicious" (thank you Beyonce, my personal saving grace) and wear those pencil skirts. I could give a sh*t less what they think, and the men somehow flock to me now versus before, and I've learned that most men don't want to love a skeleton anyhow. They love curves and softness to a woman's figure - not bones and flat chests. Attitude, attitude!

I don't know you, don't know what you look like, but can tell you from your writing alone that you truly shine! You are hilarious and give me a joyous moment each day at work when there is a new entry! Keep Shining, girl!

Laurie,
You are doing something so fantastic for yourself. As someone who recently returned to school to get a degree in nutrition, I can tell you (from my limited experience in classes) that your "not dieting" plan is probably going to work---it's all about lifestyle changes and making healthy decisions. :)

Also, I get the Discovery Channel, and I usually avoid it but I was completely captivated by True Tales of the E.R. or whatever the show is...some fool man tried to make a homemade cast out of cement (cee-ment as we say down here) to fix his broken ankle, and he used copper wiring to stitch shut a wound in his side. They's some crazy folks out there!

Why is it that when you weigh less people seem to value you more?

I've thought about that a bunch. The only answer I've come up with is because if you appear healthy you appear to value yourself more, if that makes any sense.

You mentioned that you wouldn't treat a friend that poorly, so why would you treat yourself that way? Exactly - why would someone like you if it seems like you don't even like yourself that much?

But that's just me, someone who hovers around "healthy," not "skinny" nor "fat."

I've been reading your blog for quite a while, but never commented. Your post today left me no choice but to chime in with everyone else and tell you how much I appreciated it. Every word could have come out of my own head! I'm sure I'll be rereading it in the future, to remind myself that dieting is really not the answer. When I diet, and then "mess up" then I feel guilty and like I've failed, and return to my favorite old comfort - food. By teaching myself to eat what is good for my body, what gives me energy, what makes me healthy, then I can't mess up, I can only learn. Thank ou!

Heh - I always ate a Snickers in honor of every person that gave me unsolicited dieting advice. Somehow their advice never worked.

Does Dr. Oz still have his show on Discovery Health?

I always think of myself as thin, until I see a mirror and remember.. or change clothes - ugh! I realized the other day that I've been overweight on and off for nearly 10 years now. I want so much to change the way I eat and the lack of exercise in my life. I told my mom when she was pressuring (yet again) about when I was getting married to my current boyfriend of 3 and a half years - I said "I don't want to get married when I'm this fat" but really I just need to learn to eat better - smaller portions, not as much fatty red meat, etc.

My sister and mom just recently started a "food pyramid" diet, going on the recommended daily allowances of each group and that seems pretty doable really, I like the idea.

Laurie,
I can not tell you how much this post meant to me. I was having almost this exact conversation with a woman in my office that had the lap-band procedure in April of 2006. She feels amazing and I am so proud of her for the leaps and bounds she has made… for her health. Not for some man, not to be able to shop at Anne Taylor Loft, not to fit in… but just for her health. She has always been a larger woman, petite (short) but with about what she says is an extra 125 pounds.
I, on the other hand, was sitting on the edge of my chair in the 5th grade so my thighs wouldn’t spread out… and I was a size 10 slim. I was always skinny, thin, tiny but tall, a ballerina. My mother fed me SlimFast when I was 14 years old and under 100 pounds.
I was thin until about ten years ago. I gained 60 pounds in under 5 months and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. It was a tumor on my pituitary gland, or a hormonal thing… or, or, or… No. None of those things were right. I just started drinking a lot of beer, eating red meat and I stopped dancing. I was sedentary… and the extra weight was almost a relief. I was not the center of attention, I didn’t have to be Miss Teen USA or any of that anymore. I could just live.
I have decided recently to get a bike for myself. I want to enjoy exercising like I did when I was a child. If I never loose a pound, so be it. I just want to be healthy. My doctor says I am healthy and never pushes me to loose weight, which I appreciate beyond belief.
I was just looking for a way to eloquently explain to my own neurosis that I didn’t have to diet. I didn’t have to worry that my mother was going to make a crack that I would be riding a scooter by the time I was 40 if I didn’t lose weight. This is not about other people, it is an individual choice and you put it beautifully. Thank you.

I read your blog and never comment, but today, I'd really love to give you a hug!

Thanks!

OMG - my cats are on a diet! It's horrible! I'm weighing them each week - and consequently weighing myself! EGAD!!!!

Hopefully you'll find that this new healthier attitude will naturally lead you to a healthier diet. You might find that you just crave better healthier foods because you're happier and walking and such! Good luck. What a great new path you are on!

And if that was the condensed version?? I hope you have stock in a paper company! Whew!

A cup of coffee?? Hell, girl, I needed tissues! You just pretty much summed up my life only I need to lose way more than 30 or 40 pounds and like you, I cannot bear to go on another diet. The whole "succeed or fail" mentality is just exhausting. I think I put on my weight from an early age, due to being molested (only once)by my step brother. The pounds started packing on after that. Then after I graduated high school, after losing a ton of weight, I was nearly raped. Once again, on came the pounds and this time I never took them off, but just added more each year. Yes, it is a protective layer as I hated attention from men. They scared me. The man I married, I met over the internet, so that was safe for awhile but once we met, he still had his work cut out for him. Anyway, I'm reading Dr. Oz's book and just got Bob Greene's book as well as both seem to focus on healthy eating instead of dieting. I want to make positive lifetime changes.
Thanks for this post, Laurie. Your honesty touched my life.

Ya know, Laurie, you are my hero. Seriously.

I am a nutritionist and I have, over the years, found it so VERY hard to convince people of what you just wrote so eloquently. If you don't mind I'm going to print your lengthy musings on non-dieting and give a copy to Every Single Person who comes to me to lose weight.

Laurie, Thank you so very much.

So great! I hope you are enjoying your food. I'm reading "My life in France," by Julia Child (not sure I have the title right) and it's just so inspiring and lovely. By not dieting you are giving yourself a chance to eat good food and be happy about it. I hope you are eating lovely food and having fun doing it. Food is so much fun to eat and WE HAVE TO DO IT TO STAY ALIVE. what a great deal! I hope you are enjoying your meals and attaching pleasure and life to the idea of food, not deprivation and guilt. I am very happy for you. So is Julia, if she were alive.

Power to you! I'm working on the same thing here, just trying to make one little better decision at a time. Fad diets are great for dropping 20 pounds to fit into a certain little dress, but we can't live that way and be sane. Breaking it into little decisions (muffin or banana? Brown-bag or Taco Bell?) one day at a time, is what works for me.

And not beating myself up about it when I have a really tough day and order Chinese takeout instead of cooking. That is part of the "living like a sane person" thing.

WOW Laurie that was profound. I understand where your coming from. My DH is a stick, really he is thin. I on the other hand am on the fluffier side. Affter having the baby my weight goal was to just weight what I did before baby. I figured that was a decnet goal. Fast forward 19 months, I am at that goal, but struggle to stay there. I don't like diets, or the thought of giving up certin foods. So I eat smaller portions and TRY my hardest to not eat a bunch of junk or drink a lot of sodas. I'm doing ok but could do better. Christmas got in the way with all the holiday goodies, but now i'm back to working on eating better. Its working and i'm trying. Now if I can just get a walk in evry day I'd be happy.

Awesome post! Diets are bullshit. The secret to staying heathy, (and if you wanna lose weight rock on with that) is eating better and moving more. Duh!! Isn't amazing how we all fall for diet bullshit thinking it's a quick fix? I should know. I was anorexic.

Laurie, I have been on the verge of coming to this same conclusion over the past several weeks but now reading your post has reinforced the issue with me. It makes SO much sense! I've mostly not had a weight issue except when I left Texas to stay with my dad for six months after mom passed away in 2000. That's when my clothes started getting tight due to lack of exercise and snacking more. I just wasn't in a mood to take care of myself. Then when I moved back and my new position at my old company was mostly sedentary, I packed on more pounds. I hated it but I didn't want to make the effort.

It is SO important to be happy with yourself and not beat up on yourself for not being perfect. The older I get the more I want/need my image of myself to be more on the inside and not what's on the outside. Another poster mentioned her self-esteem had been tied up in how attractive others thought her. Same with me. And now with 30 extra pounds I have had to deal with my inner demons and just accept who I am. Dieting is too hard. I want to live well and be happy and reasonably healthy even if that means I can't ever go back to what I was before.

I really love this post! Thanks for it, Laurie, and do please share what you pack for your lunches! :)

We are rowin' the same boat, girl! I am reading "YOU On A Diet" right now. I am also from the "all or nothing" school, which usually eventually leads to the "nothing" part, since we can never keep up with our own requirements, right? So, this book is giving me a teensy bit of hope right now. I'm taking it slow and not trying to devour the book in one sitting (all or nothing again!). Whenever I read your blog, I feel like you have been invading my thoughts---there seem to be so many similarities with my own life! I'm just not brave enough to blog about it---wish I was! Take care and hang in there! :)

Okay- have to post again to what Mia said- I'm a health sciences student, and I hate hate HATE how bariatric surgery is being shilled as THE PERFECT SOLUTION by so many people who:
A-aren't telling the whole truth
and
B- Want to make money from the desperate people they're telling half-truths to.

Great post. I couldn't agree more with the eat healthy approach. I was supposed to go on cholesterol lowering medication and that scared me. My biological grandmother died of a heart attack younger than me, and my biological mother had a quadruple heart bypass a few years ago. But, they are European and eat really bad stuff. I didn't want to end up like that. It scared me but I didn't want to take the cholesterol lowering medication. So I didn't. I cleaned up my diet (it wasn't that bad to start with), and three months later my doctor told me my cholesterol was normal. Now, 10 months later, I have lost 2 clothing sizes as a side effect. I feel really great. I don't count anything or stress about details. I sure feel good though. Your idea of just eating healthy is way more positive than dieting. Good for you.

Also with the lurking and never commenting, but I just wanted to point out that this change in attitude about how you are eating and doing the little things can and will make a huge difference!

It worked for me! It's still working for me! I am proud of you.

I don't have an issue with weight but God knows I have other issues that might not be so visible to the outside world but that are on my mind *all* the time (clear skin, getting up on time, dealing with anxiety and depression). I appreciate your wonderful post because I feel like it can be applied to any issue in our life where we are beating ourselves up, trying to be perfect. Thanks again, Laurie, for reminding us how to be *real* instead.

Wow. Most of your posts strike a chord with me, but this one hit me particularly hard. Like you, I came home one night to get the "our marriage is over" speech out of the blue only instead of the reason being "need to get my creativity back" I got "you're fat and I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you and therefore I'm leaving you and our child because of your fatness."

Like you, I'd tried every diet under the sun and endured all the well-meaning advice, lectures and snickers from my (all obnoxiously thin!) family and friends and I'd finally given up.

While everyone else ordered the plain grilled chicken and saled with fat-free dressing on the side, I was ordering mayo on my sandwiches and 1000 Island dressing on my salads. I was fat - might as well eat whatever the hell I want and at least enjoy my food.

But something happened after the X left. Not only did I reach new levels of anger that I never thought were possible, I realized after a lot of soul-searching that my weight had been a way to protect myself against him. A wall between me and the problems in our marriage.

Funniest thing, after he left and I made that realization, the weight just started to come off. I put the first 10 lbs. down to the stress of the divorce, but then I thought "well, maybe I can make use of this momentum, but I am NOT GOING ON ANOTHER DIET." So, I did what you're doing. I cut out fast food and I walked at lunch. I stopped having waffles for breakfast EVERY MORNING and had cereal instead. Otherwise, I continued to eat whatever I wanted.

I lost 35 lbs. doing just those three things and I never felt deprived for a second or like I was "on a diet."

Once I reached that point, I did some other things to continue the weight loss, but nothing was ever a "traditional diet" and I only did what I felt like doing when I felt like doing it.

My divorce was final on 12/4/06 and I'm proud to say that I walked into the final paper signing meeting 70 lbs. lighter than I was the night he walked out on me a year earlier because he was "embarrassed to be seen in public with me." I used to be a size 20 and now I'm a size 10.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that the whole "non-diet" lifestyle change thing WORKS and that when the reason for your weight is gone, the weight will just come off.

You go girl!

KJ

P.S. As you can see, you are not the only one with "wordy" disease.

i'm hooked on discovery health, too. the joke at my house is 'y'all can't find anything to watch? give ME the remote bwahahaha'. seriously. weds night we watched: a show about a 2 headed baby (he's ok now), the super obese (those poor people!) and a show on another channel about hairstylists in an iron chef style competition, followed at 11:00 by soapnet. i heart cable!

Just when I think you couldn't possibly write any better than you already have, you do it. My best to you.

I am SO with you on this one. I've been on a "diet" for the last 17 years. I have every size between size 10 and size 16 in my closet. I'm either really skinny, or really fat, never a happy medium for very long. Keep us posted so we professional dieters can gleen from your experience. Good luck!

Laurie,

This post really really touched me. I can relate so much to you, as most of your readers can. I have been feeling so down lately and it is nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling and thinking the same things. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.

rock on sister!

Wow, almost 200 comments!

Well, for what it's worth, here's my two (Canadian)cents! (What's that...1.5 American?)

First of all, many congratulations on deciding that you are worth the effort.
You most CERTAINLY are!

Second, I've been in love with the idea of good food for a long time.
Cheap food does NOT belong anywhere in my world...and by cheap I mean fast food/junk food or any food that isn't beautiful, healthy, wholesome and delicious.

Believing that you are valuable enough to have only the best is such a great step.

I did that recently with exercise. Believing that I deserve to have a healty strong body for the rest of my life was compelling enough to start, and now, 2 and a half months later I actually enjoy it.

What a difference this knowledge that we ARE worth the effort of good food and good health for the rest of our lives.

We don't need to be 'perfect', but we need to know that our efforts go a long way in making ourselves happy.
So cheers to you and to all of us!

A very heart felt post.

FanFREAKINtastic. And I mean that sincerely. I lost weight on Weight Watchers several years ago, and have managed to stay more or less at that weight. (A little less, right now.) But despite the fact that I studied the food pyramid in school, I'm sure the crap I put in my body on a daily basis isn't a balanced diet. This is something I need to focus on as well. :)

Bravo!

Thank you for sharing this.

Good for you, Laurie!! I'm happy for you. I've been reading your blog for quite a while and you seem so much happier, and more centered all the time. Bravo!!

(Delurking . . . ) Will you be my new best friend? Actually my true best friend has the best attitude about dieting/exercise I've ever come across and that is (um, here's a real kicker) : moderation in all things and do activities you enjoy. What? No magic starvation diet or (gasp) "exercise." !!! No calories per day, no marathons, no hyperexpectation. NO GOALS???? A LITTLE BUTTER!?? Just a little less here, a little more here. Less of the unhealthy food, more of the enjoyable activity. She is so wise. And healthy. And so are you.

BTW: Because of you I've retaken up knitting (again) and have vowed to not. be. competitive. about. my. knitting. Samplers and scarves only for the forseeable future - or forever if need be. I am convinced that the superorganizer/weight issues/tennis aversion/knitting pressure is all part of the same package: control life! do more! be better! not good enough (yet)! So good to chuck that all. Or just some (remember, moderation in all things). hahaha. OMG if I write more I'll have to get my own blog. LOL. (How do you ever stop, this is fun.)

Laurie

I'm also NOT DIETING & have lost 30 lbs since September. I'm trying to eat healthy nutritious food & make sure that I don't starve myself as I'd head for the crisps. Pots of home made soup are fantastic in the winter & double up as lunch in a flask.

I've just posted a photo of one of our cats who could be Sobakowas' sister. She's got the same stinkin' attitude as almost being her double.

Oh by the way... Tag! You're it. :)

hehe I love Discovery Health Channel. I even have my kids addicted to it. Wanna know how that is going? When I baked some gingerbread cookies and had a couple that broke, I stuck them together. When my kids saw them they were "oh cool you made conjoined twins". Sigh kids sure are funny sometimes.

Thanks so much for sharing that Laurie. You could have been describig my life. Re: the becoming biger yet invisable, I so get it. I was first introduced to the concept by a truck driver who was towing my car after it broke down. As we drove down the highway, I was absolutely gob-smacked by how many people were cutting in front of us and it was only some seriously skillful driving by the truck driver that prevented an accident. "Happens all the time," he said. "For some reason people just can't seem to see a 10-tonne bright yellow truck."

Good.
But whatever you do, don't waste a snicker's bar by sticking it up someone's heinie.
Unless you do it in an aerobic fashion.

I love you.

I mean... I totally hear you on this one.

The back story: I've been on the heavy side, but with disordered eating, most of my life. A few years ago, I was anorexic - my daily diet consisted of Coke and crackers - and I weighed 100lbs. I was so weak that I could barely drag myself out of bed, but I was finally happy with how I looked. (Excuse my language, but how fucking sick is that?!)

Anyway, I was medicated, the anxiety that drove the anorexia went bye-bye... and so did the anorexia. I ate everything in sight. I now weigh twice as much as I did a few years ago.

I've spent the last year of my life - no, I've WASTED the last year of my life - being an all-or-nothing dieter, failing every single time and really beating the crap out of myself over it.

The end of last month, I decided that this retardedry had to stop. January 1 was the day. I started eating... WELL. Healthy. Fresh food, water, all good things. I haven't binged. I haven't starved. I haven't done any of the horrible things I've done to myself in the name of appearance for so many years.

I also haven't lost a single pound, after 3 weeks. But you know what? Slowly, I'm getting to be okay with that too, because I FEEL better - physically, but also emotionally, because I'm being good to my very best friend in the whole wide universe (me!).

Anyway.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're doing a smart thing, and no matter what the results are, be good to yourself! You deserve it more than anyone you know!

HUGS TO YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL POST!

We live in this twisted culture that rewards scrawniness with attention, when what is really sexy and attractive is: health and vitality.
Healthy habits like sensible nutrition, occaisonal treats, and good excercise don't make Hollywood bodies -- they make HEALTHY bodies, and if you feel healthy and good about yourself you will radiate that all around you, and that is what makes other people want to be around you -- friend, lovers and co-workers alike.

When I quit smoking my daily half-hour walk made all the difference in my attitude toward the word. I have a New Year's resolution to lose some weight and get in better shape -- not X pounds by X date, just "some weight," maybe about 20 pounds during the year, so my clothes aren't so tight and so I feel healthier. This means walking, going to the YMCA and eating sensibly. I like the Y because it's full of real people of various ages and sizes who are trying to be healthy and not like some gyms which are full of people with perfect bodies who are just sculpting and toning and posing and preening.

THANK YOU FOR THE MOTIVATION just to live sensibly and not be on the "Dr. Knowitall Diet" all the time.

I just wanted to say as a very much not skinny person (although not the 740 lb woman either) I'm very proud of you. I've always had trouble with diets and refuse to go on another. This year I'm working on "being healthy" all the way around.

thanks for the book title, I may have to go check that out :)

thanks for commenting on my blog. it brought me here and this post definitely resonates with me. so much of that goes on in my own head! it's great to read that you are choosing you and choosing to be healthy- for life. that's awesome and inspiring. :)

You.Go.Girl!
Been there. The divorce trauma. The hiding behind the safety of weight and it's seeming invisibility.
I'm proud of you. I'm working it on my end in like kind. I try to choose to live each day fully. Carpe Diem!

thanks for commenting on my blog. it brought me here and this post definitely resonates with me. so much of that goes on in my own head! it's great to read that you are choosing you and choosing to be healthy- for life. that's awesome and inspiring. :)

Well thought out, and well said.
Been there, doing that.
Only took me to age 49, too. You're several years smarter than me.

Awesome, Laurie. I have been making a similar change in the food and exercise places in my life for the last few years, and during the periods when I remember to keep these ideas and goals in mind, I am happier, more energetic and productive, and do indeed slowly lose weight.

I have never dieted per se, but I have had times when I just eat in a self-destructive, in-denial kind of way. I do sometimes fall back into that pit, but it's getting easier and easier to climb out of it and start thinking sensibly about food, and listening to my body.

This is a really excellent entry. You sound like this attitude towards food and your body is bringing you some peace and happiness, I am very happy for you. :)

Laurie, you need to buy the book "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth. Don't let the title decieve you...your post sounded exactly like the basis for her work. Please read it...you won't be sorry!!!! I read your posts every day and have never had the courage to comment.....I hope you see this...her books helped me tremendously!!!!!

Laurie, you need to buy the book "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating" by Geneen Roth. Don't let the title decieve you...your post sounded exactly like the basis for her work. Please read it...you won't be sorry!!!! I read your posts every day and have never had the courage to comment.....I hope you see this...her books helped me tremendously!!!!!

This fall I started a new teaching position. It involves commuting from school to school at lunch. I got in the bad habit of eating fast food for lunch. Now that I've cut that out except once a week, I've dropped 5 lbs in a month.

Holy crap. Do I ever know what you're talking about. Only wish I would have come out of hiding years ago.

Woo Hoooooo! Hurray for letting go of the "all or nothing" mantra! And that little walk every day… or not… can do wonders for your well being! Good for you! Hang in there, we're all rooting for you
1

Since there are more than 220 comments already(and I didn't read them, I'm sorry!) I'll just add that you are a glorious person, and I wish you all the best on your non-diet!

I'm sure I'm not saying anything that hasn't already been said, but -- You ROCK, girlfriend. I think today's manifesto has the potential to have an effect on many women with weight and eating issues. It's certainly had an effect on me.

Kiss your cats for me (I'm Mom to 3),
Laiane

Dear CAP,
224 comments??? You cannot possibly read all of them and have time to work, eat, blog, write in your diary and clean the cat litter box!!
However, I will write this, hoping someone will read it. When you get older no one looks at you anyway. Even when you are 130 lbs. I am 46 (47 in March) and I walk as often as I can on my lunch hour, it really does help the stress factor. BUT, when you get to be middle age, even skinny doesn't help. I'm having a really hard time with getting older, and I STILL have to fight weight issues every day! I HATE middle age!!!
Cathy

I spent most of my life thinking I was gargantuan, but was really normal to slightly above. A few years ago, my body decided to kick things up a notch, I got thyroid cancer, and gained over 50 pounds in three years without a doctor saying a damn thing. So out the window with "slightly above" I'm now bone fide fat, and struggling to find a balence of meds that will help my body deal with that (the thyroid controls metabolism and since I no longer have a thyroid, my body doesn't burn what I eat unless meds are perfectly balenced).

I swear to god I want a tee-shirt that says "My cancer made me fat, what made you an asshole?"

I'm tired of the way fat (or anything less than model thin) people are treated.

Hang in there.

Amen, sister. :)

Now, I have to figure out how to do the same for myself. Keep us posted.

wow...so true..Every now and then I see that i'm waiting...that my real life will be sometime, someday, some weight, but.just.not.now. The whole vision IS difficult to get and hold - the larger arc, the one supported and attained via health and self-acceptance. I so do not want to be the one waiting in the car because I can't climb the steps to the monument, or make it to the end of the beach...or the one to miss out on friends and laughter and being a friend because I wasn't 'done' yet. Thank you for sharing your wisdom...here's to life at a 60 minutes an hour pace - not whole diet books or 10 lbs segments or inches or anything...just right now. Your write beautifully.

Cathy, I read you, I hear you and can relate to you sister. I often have days where I say "I think I'm invisible today". I glanced at your page and saw you on a horse, how cool are you? Hang in there, you know how wonderful you are, right?

You are my freaking hero. Thank you for just being you!

Amazing how far we have to travel to get it. Sometimes someone says a simple thing & it just jells. Thanks.

Also, why don't you have your own TV show yet??

Good luck, Laurie! A favorite writer put up some funny and insightful pieces on losing weight a couple of years ago, and they helped inspire me to start losing when I had given up.
http://www.frolicanddetour.com/losingthecow/archives/2004/06

I don't have time to read the 235 comments before me, I'm sure they're wonderful--I'll be back for those later. I think your post is remarkably honest and wellwitten. I have shifted my views on weight loss lately also and your story touched me and probably a lot of others. I truly think that you've "hit the nail on the head." You have found the answer to feeling better! You go girl!

Wonderful post, Laurie. And I'm right there with you. I had that entire conversation with myself about two weeks ago.

I look forward to your words--funny or serious-- every day. I have 3 daughters--the oldest is your age. I live in a very rural part of Arkansas. I don't knit--I crochet (thanks to Crochet Dude I found this site)--so would seem we have very little in common. I am divorced--I do have 2 hours of commute time every day to the city to work (no public transport.--just drive honey), I have struggled with the 20 or 30 extra pounds up and down all my adult life--and I do have cats! You are on the right track sweetie--stay positive and be good to yourself! You are on to what it takes to be an adult woman in the modern world.

Thank you and I do read every comment!!

I was shocked how many people also felt this way. Overwhelmed. I thought I was sort of a weirdo, thinking food was the enemy, my body was an enemy. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but secretly I feel so happy and relieved not to be alone.

Thank you :)

I read this last night when I got home from work and it was just what I needed. I get so bummed out about my body and self image etc etc, I think you've just said what a ba-zillion people think on a daily or maybe even hourly basis!
thanks again

Laurie,
Don't diet. There is no point to them. They were invented by those little people out there who think they need to lose weight. I am sick of the nutrisystem commercials with the chick who was a size 10 and is now a size 2. I honestly think that is way too small. A perfect size is a 14 to 16. I wish I were that small. I have fought this weight issue for years, it is hereditary in my family to be built like a brick wall. We are the short pudgy people who are completely solid. I have been told by so many people, you need to go on this diet. No, I will dance my way through the day, vacuuming is another great calorie burner. Walking is the best one out there. I lost 4 clothing sizes several years ago and then met my hubby and went back to being a hippo. I am slowly losing the weight now and there is no diet involved. I do my house work and I have supplemented my diet with fruit and lots of crunchy fresh veggies. I was never a celery fan until I paired it with Marzetti's ranch dressing. Oh my, this stuff is sinful. We all need some fat in our diets, otherwise our bodies would fail to function. Our skin would look pasty and dry. Our hair would fall out. Our gums would recede. Nasty stuff like that. I honestly don't see myself as obese, just pleasantly plump. I would love to be a size 16 once again. I think that there are too many self centered shallow people out there who have no idea as to who they are. If you are comfortable in your own skin, then you are a better person than they.
Take a look at Marilyn Monroe, she was considered gorgeous and she wasn't thin. Mae West was a size 18 and she was considered a knock out. I think it all comes down to how you carry yourself.

I installed a walking workstation (http://www.squidoo.com/walkingwhileworking) in my office last September. Really helps get some exercise into the schedule - I am walking ~5 mi/day. If your office environment is amenable, I highly recommend this way of working.

Laurie, thank you for this wonderful, insightful post. Funny how some people think you have no brains and no feelings unless you're stick thin, huh? I also decided to quit dieting--it doesn't work, and I gain back even more weight. I'm never bored by anything you write, and you write so beautifully. I adore you (in a totally big-sister, non-scary, non-stalkerish way!) My best to you and the kitties (I also have four fur children.)

I think the best response to this is just GO YOU!

I wish you best of luck in keeping perspective.. something we are all struggling with!

I'm seconding what several people said above--Geneen Roth has some magic in her typing fingers, because there is something about her books that is just astonishing and moving. (She had a very fat cat that she wrote a lot about, too.)

Jeez. I may stop writing my blog and just put up a link to yours saying "This woman can explain what I think in a much more elegant and funny way'.
Well done on finding out what works for you, and thank you for telling us all about it x

Thank you so much for this post. I feel like you have rummaged around in my head and explained myself to me. It isn't just the weight thing (though that is a big thing)just all the ways I feel I am not acheiving what I want to acheive. You are right it is better to go bit by bit and maintain the change than go all out and backtrack (goes a bit against my Aries nature though...)

On another note I am sure cats don't herd. Somewhere I read a really appropriate collective noun for cats but I can't remember what it was. Maybe a choir of cats or a caterwaul of cats something like that.

Hugs

That crazy place you described--been there, done that, revisit frequently. Wonder what I could have accomplished if I had back all the hours that I spent obsessing about the size of my body, all the hours that I didn't do things because I was too fat? I've been "too fat" in my head since I was three years old. I thought I was freakishly huge even though I was actually normal, and I kept thinking that until I "achieved" 350 pounds. Then, two gastric bypass surgeries--yes, two. Don't ask. Now, I am still overweight by the books, charts, etc. But I feel so normal at 200 pounds. Much more normal than I felt at 150 pounds. It's weird.

Laurie,

You've clearly struck a nerve with this post (which is fantastic, by the way). In skimming over many of the comments I see that so many of us are cut from the same broad bolt of cloth and that is comforting in a solidarity sort of way.

We are all damaged goods to some extent as a result of living life and experiencing both the good and bad in the people we encounter. One of the points that you made that really resonated with me and I hope with other readers is that you are happy with yourself and you like who you are. This reminded me of when my sister quit smoking. I had always harrassed her about it because giving up the fags was so easy for me. Then one day she up and quit. Solidly quit, too. When asked how she managed it, she always responded, "I decided that I just don't hate myself that much." This is a concept that I've found to be instrumental in turning away from self-defeating and self-destructive behavior in many aspects of my life. It sounds like a concept that you are incorporating into yours and I applaud you along with the hundreds of other readers here.

Live well and enjoy what is in front of you but most importantly, be kind to yourself.

Maylin, I have read that the official collective term for cats (as in a sleuth of bears, a skulk of foxes, etc.) is "clowder," which is an obsolete variant form of "clutter." My husband and I long ago concluded that only one cat is needed to make a clowder, but, just to be safe, we have five.

As the proud staff of five cats, I can tell you that while cats can't be herded, they can certainly herd if they feel like it.

Well put!

I read your post and realized that you spoke my heart. Over the last 15 years, I put on 60 pounds, mainly to shield myself from an unpleasant event in my marriage. Five years ago, I realized that I was a SPECTATOR to my life, not a participant. I realized that because of how I felt about myself and my appearance that somehow, I was *less than* and not meant to take part in all the good things that life offered. It was my defining moment. So, I began a journey to lose the weight. So far, I have lost 31 pounds and will be at my healthy weight by my 50th birthday. And the benefits of weight loss are far better than staying blimpsized (I'm 5'1"). Weight loss is in your head. I had to figure out what and why I let myself gain 60 (!) pounds. And even though it took 5 years to work through a ton of baggage, I feel I've turned the corner and I am on the right path.
Sounds like you are too!

Miss Laurie-

Your honesty is an inspiration. May you continue to excel at this new way of life.

I am so proud of you!

bejeezus there are a lot of comments here!

i'm glad that you r learning to b accepting with who you are, in every way.

i remember a few years ago, after a terribly sad break-up, i couldn't eat for a week. a girl at my apt rental office noticed & congratulated me on losing weight. i could have cried.

i want to share something you can relate to... i had my first date since breaking off with my fiance last night! kind of a whirlwind of emo, y'know. i used to think i was done with dating, that those days were behind me.

it was great to not be stuck inside my head for a while. he wasn't really my type afterall, but he treated me nicely on the date, which felt good.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on weight. Sometimes the feelings that are the hardest to share with others are the ones that are the most important to put out there. As someone dealing with weight/health issues myself, it means so much to me to hear someone put into words some of the same things that have been running through my head. Especially about extra weight making you invisible. I've finally decided I don't want to spend my life being unseen and unhappy.
Thanks again, Laurie. You're the best.

I took care of my dad for 8 years, and put on 50 pounds in the process, he died recently and I am dealing with that.

Grief Bacon!!!!! I laughed so hard I spit diet coke all over the cat.

I am sure you will be hearing from the cat's lawyer soon, they sure dont like indignities. Her name is Katie Mcqueen.

This is the very first time I have been on your site and probably would never have found it if a good friend didn't send me a link to this post. To be completely honest with you, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, feeling like I just read about myself. You put everything into perspective that I have been feeling and holding inside my private thoughts. Thank you for sharing this and I will definitely keep visiting your site!

I am in the same boat. I desperately want/need to loose baby weight (2 babies worth, in fact). But trying to measure, weigh, and count my food while getting two little ones to eat seems so overwhelming.

All I know is that I don't want to be a size 16 for the rest of my life.

Thanks for your honestly and eloquence...

I am going through the EXACT same thing. Thanks for having the courage to be so honest and just put it out there. I know that this is your online diary, but, being able to read about someone who has similar thoughts, feelings, etc. as I do, really helps.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Josh

It sounds wonderful...
it sounds like you are, uh, living.

For Amie, who commented above, I have Hypothyroidism, and it's not the same as having NO thyroid, but I've had a taste of your problem.

See if you can get the doctor to prescribe Armor Thyroid instead of Synthroid.

They are not exactly equivalent, so you'll have to go through the balancing act again, but the difference in the way you'll feel is worth it.

I have been told that there are people who can get along on Synthroid, but after taking it and switching to Armor Thyroid, I can tell you that those people "get along" because they've forgotten what it feels like to be healthy.

Get a book on hypothyroidism and read it.

In the same vein, if your cholesterol is too high, your thyroid function is too low. That's not negotiable, it just IS. Find a doctor who will treat the hypothyroidism.

Cholesterol, by the way, is one of the main things you need to stay youthful and healthy. It's one thing that I'm going out of my way to add to my diet in the form of coconut oil for cooking.

I've had some health problems lately (see my blog) and am currently changing my diet to a more healthy one, one step at a time.

I haven't bought potato chips in ages, although I was tempted this week by all-organic white cheddar Cheeto-type things (which I did not buy, but may indulge in rarely in the future). I bought a block of Jack cheese instead.

Keep talking about this, Laurie, but don't stop talking about knitting, cats, the neighbors and life in general.

We all love you and are pulling for you!

For Amie, who commented above, I have Hypothyroidism, and it's not the same as having NO thyroid, but I've had a taste of your problem.

See if you can get the doctor to prescribe Armor Thyroid instead of Synthroid.

They are not exactly equivalent, so you'll have to go through the balancing act again, but the difference in the way you'll feel is worth it.

I have been told that there are people who can get along on Synthroid, but after taking it and switching to Armor Thyroid, I can tell you that those people "get along" because they've forgotten what it feels like to be healthy.

Get a book on hypothyroidism and read it.

In the same vein, if your cholesterol is too high, your thyroid function is too low. That's not negotiable, it just IS. Find a doctor who will treat the hypothyroidism.

Cholesterol, by the way, is one of the main things you need to stay youthful and healthy. It's one thing that I'm going out of my way to add to my diet in the form of coconut oil for cooking.

I've had some health problems lately (see my blog) and am currently changing my diet to a more healthy one, one step at a time.

I haven't bought potato chips in ages, although I was tempted this week by all-organic white cheddar Cheeto-type things (which I did not buy, but may indulge in rarely in the future). I bought a block of Jack cheese instead.

Keep talking about this, Laurie, but don't stop talking about knitting, cats, the neighbors and life in general.

We all love you and are pulling for you!

Well said! Especially the "shove a snickers up their hiney" part ;o) I also LOVE food and purposefully don't weigh myself. I have heard that the book "French Women Don't Get Fat" is also supposed to be amazing. The subtitle is "The secret to eating for pleasure." Sounds like my kind of eating! I have never read it, but I've heard great things. Also found it cheap on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/French-Women-Dont-Get-Fat/dp/1400042127

You are Laurie!

(And you are my hero.)

Wow...263 and counting! Thank you for writing this. I want to say so much more, but, just, thanks.

Delurking to say: Amen sister.

If you haven't read this before you must. Margaret Cho is hysterical and what she says is absolutely true. Once I stopped trying to diet I actually started building a healthy relationship with food and found myself eating better and losing weight naturally.

http://www.margaretcho.com/blog/fuckitdiet.htm

AlliMack! I have that book! Laurie, it is a great book! My daughter and I both love it. The author is a French lady who lives in the U.S. and is married to an American. She recalls her childhood in France and how they always had fresh veggies and fruits straight from the garden or the farmer's market in season. Moderation is key, e.g., small amount of butter (way better for you than nasty margarine), real cream, etc. Enough for flavor. She loves a good dessert now and then, and good wine. She had gained weight when she was 18 and visiting the U.S. for the first time. Exercise is key, also, little things like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

She has another book out which I am going to get.

Like some other commenters have mentioned, I also read your blog and never comment, but I felt the need to comment because I found this post really inspiring. I was just the other day telling someone that I am such an "all or nothing" dieter...moderation is not in my vocabulary.

Your outlook on eating and living healthy is definitely an outlook I would like to adopt. I really find your thought about living without the primary goal of "losing weight" in mind, but rather rather eating healthy and enjoying that health, to be a great idea.

I wish you the best of luck as you focus on adopting a new, positive, healthy lifestyle. Keep up the wonderful blog - I read many blogs and this one is my favorite. I particularly love the pictures of your cats. My little "fuzzer" (as I call my feline) is sitting right here with me and I just adore him.

Holy yikes CAP. The whole world blogged you back. I wanted to say that when I moved from So. Cal. to OKLAHOMA, I had a revelation...and gained 30 ish pounds. I wasn't fighting my body anymore. 20 years of Cal. will kill your dieting spirit. I struggled to be a size 10 and broke down at size 12 and MOVED at size 14.

But I did the same thing when I hit the Midwest. I decided screw it I'm never dieting again. I like my Body,a nd no here is judging me. SO now I'm comfortable with me and I eat mostly healthy. No more binges. Good luck hon.

My dad lost 100 pounds over the course of a year not dieting.

Wow, you really hit a nerve with this comment. Ironically, I posted something similar this AM, then caught up on your blog to see something similar. It took me a long time to have a healhty relationship with food, now if only I could have that same relationship with my body! LOL

Congratz!!
On a personal note when we decided to go vegan oh my gosh the pounds melted and a great feeling of health and vitality infused our life...I hope we never go back and I hope you can experience that feeling to with your new habbits too.

I've only been reading your blog for about 1month and I've never posted a comment before. But after reading this one I wanted to. You left me with a smile. Thanks, I guess we all needed you to remind us to be happy and enjoy our lives. Thank you

I don't read diet books or pay any attention to the weight loss culture because it fucking annoys me so much I could eat my own head. About two years ago my resolution was "never EVER say 'thank you' when someone says I look like I've lost weight." Because AS IF there is anything wrong with the way I am, you stupid bloody sheep, and I have NOT lost weight, I have always looked this fabulous - it's not my fault you never noticed before, you blind ignorant fools.

*suddenly noticing I sound very pissed off here*

I'll tell you how to have an appreciation for yourself - join belly dancing. I have never been as riveted by a dancer as I am by what they call "goddess-sized" women...belly dance is made for these girls. Skinny belly dancers look like they are in pain.

And I'm NOT saying "join belly dancing as a way to exercise or lose weight" - that's against my religion. I'm saying that discovering your body's beauty can revolutionize your sense of self worth, and who frickin' cares what you weigh?

My God, this society sucks. I swear the same Board of Fucking Directors is behind everything: half of them are on the "Encourage People to Eat as Much Junk as Possible, then Drive Their Cars Everywhere They Fucking Go" committee, and the other half are on the "Disapproving of Large People and Undermining Their Self-Confidence as a Way to Suck Them Into Addictive Diet Cycles and Sell Them Metabolic-Boosting Pills, Anti-Depressives, and Nicotine" committee.

Sorry for all the cursing. (Not sorry enough to take it out - I think it's punchy. I never swear, but the occasion seemed to call for it.)

- Long-time reader, first-time commenter

Laurie, you are really getting some sense, y'know? You are saying eat foods that are good for you in sensible amounts and get a little exercise and the rest will follow. Halleluyah sister!
(I'd best follow that advice, lol!)

Strong work! I hope these nearly 300 comments inspire you and are evidence that so many people are either a) in the same boat as you are or b) are rooting you on!

You are definitely right, it's not a 6-month race so you can coast for the remainder of your life, it's a marathon till the (bitter) end. Even if you just excercise a little bit, it's better than nothing! Even if you eat only 2 servings of vegetables, it's better than nothing!

I would highly recommend you buy the book "The Encyclopedia of Healing Foods." It is NOT some new-agey, hippie-dippey book. It's totally scientific and legitimate. I'm a surgery resident and cancer researcher and we use a derivative of the spice turmeric as an anti-cancer drug for pancreas cancer because it fights inflammation, and this book talks about the anti-inflammation effects of turmeric, among many other foods, herbs, & spices. It gives good ideas for cooking foods and tells you how to store and select them. It has an appendix that lists the nutritional values (including all the vitamins and minerals) of a huge number of foods. I really think you'll find it helpful and educational in your attempts to be healthy. . .

All the best to you!

Strong work! I hope these nearly 300 comments inspire you and are evidence that so many people are either a) in the same boat as you are or b) are rooting you on!

You are definitely right, it's not a 6-month race so you can coast for the remainder of your life, it's a marathon till the (bitter) end. Even if you just excercise a little bit, it's better than nothing! Even if you eat only 2 servings of vegetables, it's better than nothing!

I would highly recommend you buy the book "The Encyclopedia of Healing Foods." It is NOT some new-agey, hippie-dippey book. It's totally scientific and legitimate. I'm a surgery resident and cancer researcher and we use a derivative of the spice turmeric as an anti-cancer drug for pancreas cancer because it fights inflammation, and this book talks about the anti-inflammation effects of turmeric, among many other foods, herbs, & spices. It gives good ideas for cooking foods and tells you how to store and select them. It has an appendix that lists the nutritional values (including all the vitamins and minerals) of a huge number of foods. I really think you'll find it helpful and educational in your attempts to be healthy. . .

All the best to you!

Laurie - YOU GO SISTER!!! I have actually done the same thing recently. Even bought "You On a Diet" - Dr. Oz IS a total cutie. I just appreciate your honesty and humor. Take care!!!

Sorry, I couldn't help but to add one more thing. . .And this one is really coming from experience. . .

Eat foods with FIBER. Fiber actually slows down the emptying of your stomach so you a) feel fuller longer and b) avoid the sugar rush and then the sugar low, so both ways you don't have as much desire to eat (a bonus when you're spending 8 hours straight in the O.R.). Also, fiber keeps the risk of colon cancer (linked to high-fat diets and obesity) low over the long run!

Cheers again!

Like all the others before me, you really struck a chord - I'm commenting so we can make it to 300!!

It's always amazing to me how alone I feel about something, and then you write about it and everyone comments, and then I realize I'm not as much of a freak as I thought - or else you all are as messed up as I am!!!! Either way, it's nice to have company!!

I just watched Dr. Mike and Dr. Oz's show on Discovery Health - the one about You: own it and You: on a diet. Man, what eye openers about how what we eat affects our bodies. The visuals of the body organs - this is your heart, this is your heart on fat....major ewwww factor. I don't need the slim body, but boy do I want the slim heart!!! It truly is what's on the inside that counts!!

I recently took myself to Costco and bought a scale, You: On a Diet and lots of fruits, and veggies - it seems a lot of great minds are thinking alike!

Thanks for putting voice to what's in all our hearts and minds!!

As a woman who had gastric bypass because she rose to the weight of 426 pounds, I am with ya, sister. I've been writing about my struggles with food since the day I was born, and now I do on the internet! God help me. Anyway, weight is so much more than just fat... it can be everything.

I think a great deal of us simply want to be in a healthy relationship. With food.

I'll be redundant and say how much this post meant to me like every one else. I'm doing WW in my own weird way (i.e., not being a maniac about it). I've lost a lot of weight (~50#) and I say I will never be a WW poster child. I don't log, I don't count points fanatically; maybe I should, maybe I'd have a bigger weight loss but I might be a more unhappy person.

And you know how everything get better and better when you lose weight? Sometimes it does and other times you're just walking around raw and wounded without your armor of fat protecting you. But I'd rather be this way than half asleep and fat.

This is such a great post and it's very motivational. I also agree with the poster that there's no point in wasting a perfectly good Snickers bar like that.

Thanks so much!

I didn't comment the first time I read your post because I was crying. Now I've read down through all of the comments and - more tears, and laughter and - why do so many of us feel this way? Your realisation that you hide behind those extra lbs I'd also admitted to myself several years ago but seem unable (- or unwilling?) to do anything about it. My speciality is self-sabotage. I get to within a few lbs of my goal and then start stuffing, never allowing myself the pleasure of the new clothes, or putting off doing something because 'I'm too fat'. The tragic thing was I wasn't fat, a few lbs over slim but just normal. I wasted my youth, don't waste yours. I wish I could say I've learn't, but I still find I am eating to hide from relationship problems. But, there were a lot of links and suggestions in those comments above so I'm going to go follow some. Not that I don't have a shelf full of self-help books already!

I love reading your blog, I'm only just catching up with all of your other posts, you have a true talent for communication - can you just see the ripples from this one!

You must be a Leo. Take it from a girl who's lost 100 pounds, gained it back (after quitting smoking, and relationship swirling into the toilet) and in the midst of losing it again. You've got the right attitude. You're condensed journal entry has just helped me get over a little hurdle I've been trying to get over for a while. You'll be fine, gurl.

I like the "French Women Don't Get Fat" books... really enjoying what you're eating and being satisfied with less instead of steady pigging out on crap.

Also, it's not about food exactly, but "Living A Beautiful Life" by Alexandra Stoddard is a great book, all about making even the mundane parts of your life special.

Come on, 300!

Wow! Started reading and got through the first few paragraphs when that book came to mind! Love what they have to say and how they impart HOW to do it.
I've never been overweight myself. But my Mom and sisters have always been heavy and are still struggling with their weight. I've seen (and felt) the hardship of 'staying on' a diet. It sucks worst than a Hoover!
That being said, this is also a book for those of us who don't 'need' to lose weight. It's about being as healthy as you can!
Keep us posted and remember not to beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon. It's not going so fast that you can't get back on!

I thought that was post was AWESOME! Good for you! I love that you are focused on the healthy foods and it's not a diet! Thank you for that inspiring wiriting! :)

Grumpy Chair sited this entry in her blog & I'm so glad she did. I LOVE that you've articulated seeing your life as a continuum rather than the next goal & the next one after that. Thank you for giving me something to strive for.

oh frig, u already have 288 comments...i hope u read fast, cause this one will really get tons of feedback. by the time im done, u will already have a few more infront of me...
anyway, i dont think the extra weight makes us more alone, or separates us from others....i think its the reverse: the aloneness and isolation, makes us eat more to feel better and fill the void of caring, fun and love, that we've created. how do u feel when u are very active socially? remember? u feel happy, cared for and busy. so u dont have the empty void to fill with self comforting things. u r not eating form boredom either then.... now stress relief eating/snacking happens when we overload with stuff, like work, AT work under pressure....or whatever....if we can keep ourselves AWARE of our emotional eating times, and learn a new way to self sooth (that doesn't get us arrested...hee,hee,hee) then i think we'll have tackled the heart of the issue.
It's a matter of saying to yourself," What can I do to make myself happy, instead of food"... ahead of time, so u dont get to that point of needing SOMETHING and not knowing what, besides eating. I am not a skinny gal. i have always had Italian padded curves. Thighs always touched since diaper days. I love to be size 8...have been 12-14 alot in recent years. and yes I know how hard it is seeing skinny, super self-controlled people all around you all the time... I think we can get control over our food issues at any point in our lives though....best done before we get diabetes/heart problems though yes?
Please continue to open up about everything...u usually do anyway....everyone is connected, human, & imperfect......and perfectly so! hugs to u!

Your entry was great and inspiring. I havn't commented before (I think..) but I've been reading your blog for a while now (I started after finding your pattern for the Brangelina hat). Your writing 'voice' is so appealing and understandable.

I was never the one to focus on weight loss. As a kid I was the skinniest little boy in the whole school--kindergarten through highschool. I was a stick and I actually hated it. I remained on the verge of underweight until I got to college.

Heard of the freshman 15? My freshman year of college I didn't gain fifteen, I gained fourty. At the end of sophomore year my Body Mass Index passed the "healthy" mark into overweight. And I just kept on gaining.

It's been over a year now since I finished college. I think my weight gain has finally plateaued. It's a hard transition from being able to eat whatever you wanted and not gaining an ounce to just looking at food and feeling your thighs get larger.

Your thoughts and words really touched me. I've never stayed on a diet for longer than a week but choosing to eat foods that are healthy is something I can do and should have started a long time ago. Thanks for turning on my new sense of motivation!

GREAT post! I agree with you 100%. I'm exhausted, too. Know I need to do something and have been DREADING going back on a planned diet - WW, Atkins, etc. Always lose 20-30 lbs. and then put them right back on! But I realized that I don't know how to lose weight without one of these planned diets. I just bought their book and look forward to reading it and having the epiphany that you have had. Thanks for the post!!!

HALLELUJAH!

Not that I think many people will read this, way down at the bottom....but I still want to send my thoughts and energy out there. You GO, girl! You have managed to articulate stuff that's been muddling around in my head for awhile.

My New Year's aspiration - not to "lose weight" but to eat and drink MORE - more veggies, more fruit, more whole grains, more water...and still enjoy a bit of cream in my one or two cups of coffee a day. So very, very encouraging to read that I am not nearly alone in this. Yesterday, I went out and bought a whack of new and new-to-me-clothes that fit my largest-ever-self wonderfully, that make me feel young and sassy and voluptuous, instead of frumpy and fat and doughy. Today: the produce section at our local grocers. I'm rediscovering cooking as an act of self-love and nurturing, instead of a chore. Even if I never get tiny, I'd like (I need!) to get healthy and confident.

Keep sharing - you're not only not alone, but it seems like you've managed to touch and inspire a whole lot of people. I know my day's better for having read your blog!

Me thinks you're about to crash here! I agreed so much with your post Laurie, I ate an entire bag of miniature Reese cups this weekend.

I just bumped into your blog today while seeking others who like Noro yarn. Your entries are GREAT! I really enjoyed reading your profile and agree with your thoughts regarding blog voyuerism. It's true. This particular entry is so close to home I feel like I wrote it. I'm with you on your no-diet stance. I need to lose a good 30 pounds and TODAY I am adapting the no-diet attitude. I, to, will do little things that will make a BIG difference! Looking at the volume of comments it seems you struck many cords. Thanks for the inspiration !!!

This is the first time I'm writing, I want to help you get to 300. I love your blog, it all started with the roll brim hat. Wonderful!

I'm so glad there are so many of us realising that life is about the process and not the outcome. It's taken me so long to get there and the journey has been painful but I think I get it now. How you described your new aproach to food is my new approach to my life and I think I finally have something that makes sense, something I can handle and a situation where I don't always feel as though I've failed myself again.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us.

Yes. Exactly. I too have the all-or-nothing mentality - either you're working out six times a week or there's no point! Sigh.

I have to say that I agree with most of your commenters. It's exactly how I feel and what my resolution is. I am in awe that you do what you do online. You are a brave woman. And an honest woman. I can so see myself in most everything you say. And also, I wanted to boost your ratings up to 299 (or something). LOL

Thank you

I have to say that I agree with all of your commenters. It's exactly how I feel and what my resolution is. I am in awe that you do what you do online. You are a brave woman. And an honest woman. I can so see myself in most everything you say. And also, I wanted to boost your ratings up to 299 (or something). LOL

Thank you

I know I commented twice before, but I just had to be 300!

I admire your courage to write about your weight on you blog. That is something I will never have the guts to do. But then again my mother (who reads my blog) is an aerobics teacher and likes to be "helpful"--that totally f**ks with my head in so many ways I would not know where to begin.

I to have been invisible for years. After being cute skinny and very visible through college. I ould like to blame it on the pill, but it is way more than tat accumulated over 20 years. Dating is hard, shopping is sends me into therapy. But turning 40 plus overweight finally scared the b-Jeezus out of me. Right on with the getting healthy plan. I am with you on this one. I have been really working on my overall health on baby step at a time and have never felt better.

Thanks for sharing, Laurie. You are a beautiful person because of the way you embrace life.

Thanks for your post. I can relate to so much of what you were saying - and I am interested to hear more about how you find this new lifestyle. Somehow those fast food lunches are just really really hard for me to give up.... but I so want to embrace a more healthy way of eating and NOT focusing on the "diet"

Good. GOOD! Good for you! I'm referring to the workday walk, here (although healthy eating sounds good too). I started going to the gym really halfheartedly to support a friend a couple years ago. She's since moved away, and I still go, still halfheartedly, but I've found that exercising even a few times a week, even if I'm "just" walking, makes me far less crazy. (My favorite flavor of crazy is "anxious and bitchy with a swirl of random crying fits".) And now I can't imagine not going, because I get so weird when I don't move my body around a little. I think I might have lost ten pounds over the course of the first year, and probably won't ever lose any more on this plan. But damn, I feel great. Thanks for sharing your system!

I read this post the other day and came back today to verify that it is the same doctor! It is! Yesterday afternoon, I watched Dr. Oz in You On A Diet on the Discovery Health Channel and was VERY VERY INSPIRED! I even teared up a few times - I felt they were talking to me about my own health. Drs. Oz and Roizen make so much sense with their approach to being healthy. I want to learn more and plan to order - and then read - the You On A Diet book.

I love reading your blog! I've only recently taking up knitting, but I love your sense of humor, and how you describe yourself and having to communicate with people. I myself am always torn between fear that I will say too much, or too little. I love the honesty!! Keep it up!

I hate hate hate being a person that suggests you read one more book and trust me I've read them all, tried them all, failed at them all, totally into the fat being great insulation from the vagaries of the world, stress eating etc. Lately I'm knitting a lot of chocolate coloured things but it just makes me hungry. Anyhow I am reading a new book that is fab - "Mindless Eating" by Wansink or something. It is all about how the devil money-making food giants manipulate the size of the popcorn containers at the movies and various other things that cause us to eat more. It's good to get to know their tactics. So we can fight back!!!!

Beautiful, Laurie. Absolutely beautiful. Thanks. (sniffle, smile)

Laurie-

Just a lurker here, but have read your blog for a while now. Not sure you'll even see my comment, seeing as I might just be the 307th.

Anyway! Was just writing to say that I'm glad to have read this entry, as I have the same problem as yourself. I'm either on a diet and do a really good job for a week, or I go crazy and "who cares, I already messed it up, one more Snickers isn't going to matter!". It kind of felt like I was reading the words in my own mind, that I couldn't figure out how to get out onto paper, er or computer screen.

Anyway, thanks for the post. I know this post was for you, but you have opened a lot of people's eyes about themselves I'm sure. Good luck!

Congratulations on your new outlook on your life. I had a lot of the same issues as you. Weight was a way for me to keep life at bay! But then I woke up one day and couldn't stand the indents my glasses left on the side of my face... It changed my life! The question you said you didn't have the answer to Why do people value you more when you weigh less? It's because WE don't value ourselves. How many truly happy overweight people do you know. Me none. If we don't value ourselves then why should others! Take care and God bless you!

I had to read it again. I may print it out and tap it to the wall above my desk. This is good stuff. Thanks again for posting this. And yes, this is my second comment. You are SO not alone!

AMEN! You ROCK! Do you have this in T-shirt form? I used to think my epitath would read "I wish I had the body I used to hate". Now I will stop looking backwards; I will look ahead and think "Ten years from now I will wish that I have this body that I have right NOW." You have inspired me to get a pedicure.

310 comments so you don't need more. This is day 21 of my new life changing way of eating. I could have written your post today. They way I look at it--it took me a long to get this size and it will take just as long to not be this size. The 30 minute walk is the KEY. Enjoy it!

I think people are losing weight just by having to read through all these comments. Can we kick Dr. Phil off the air so you can replace him? You're inspirational.

Amen to the handful of commenters who reminded us that we are all beautiful as we are RIGHT NOW. I weigh almost 400 pounds and I am leading a happy, normal life. Whatever you weigh, don't let it stop you from doing exactly what you want to do with your life.

Here's a great book: http://www.amazon.com/When-Women-Hating-Their-Bodies/dp/044991058X/sr=8-1/qid=1169490801/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-1570904-4695915?ie=UTF8&s=books

crud..here's the link...copy/paste should work...I think.

http://www.amazon.com/When-Women-Hating-Their-Bodies/dp/044991058X/sr=8-1/
qid=1169490801/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-1570904-4695915?ie=UTF8&s=books

I am really happy for YOU! I just smiled all day Friday when I thought about this post.

Enjoyed reading your blog and comments--YES it is about your health and that 30 minute walk a day is a key start, as is dumping the fridge and automating your choices for health. Hope you succeed with eating and walking for YOU, this time. Mike R

Another de-lurker here. I read this blog entry on Friday and have been thinking about it all weekend. It was probably in the back of my head when I signed up for the 5k race training at my gym. Because in my life of divorcing and entering a new age demographic, I realized I need goals. Not silly, unattainable goals, but a "I can run for 30 minutes in March with my friends cheering me on" type of goal.

Anyway, it's amazing how much self esteem it takes to really love yourself enough to want to eat healthier and exercise. And your comments about hiding and padding and insulation really struck a nerve here too. As I gained 5 or 10 pounds a year for the last few years, I always thought of myself as a skinny chick inside all this padding. Time to let a healthy version break through.

Holy cow there are 318 comments on here. You hit a nerve. As soon as I stopped dieting and started accepting myself as I was (harder than dieting), I lost 15 pounds. And it didn't really matter so much.

HeeHee. Laurie, Dr. Roizen read YOUR blog!

Yeah for you!

You are approching not dieting like I finally got not smoking.
I have stopped trying to quit smoking. Every time I would try to quit I'd do good for 'x' days or even weeks and then I would blow it and smoke so since I failed at quitting I might as well smoke a pack.
I finally realized that if I am a smoker I can choose to smoke as little as I want to and if I have a cigerette then it is okay I am a smoker. I now have about 1 cigerette a year, for the last 5 years. As long as I smoke I can not smoke as much as I want to! It works great for me!
Good luck and thanks for sharing!

Elizabeth

Yay! And such a great discussion in your comments! I hope you don't mind all of us semi-lurkers, but I often enjoy reading the reaction to your posts almost as much as what you originally wrote!

I left my first husband, who was a very sucessful med student/triathlete/gorgeous bod-obsesser, because he was so involved with food and exercise that he had nothing else going on and became a huge, tedious bore. He was beautiful, but quite obnoxious to be around. Obsession = bad.

However, sometimes there is some part of us that needs to feel really involved with something like our health. I eat pretty well and only hit the snack machine a couple times a month these days, but I've been having these binges on very healthy food every once in a while. I will be, like, roasted brussel sprouts! Yay! Must have them all the time! And then I'll eat ridiculous amounts of them for a few weeks. Then I'll move on to blueberries or something like that. In the meantime, I'm pretty good at eating healthy.

I only mention this because I'm not sure that being "all-or-nothing" about BEING "all-or-nothing" is totally necessary. Some of us will always need something like that to add a little touch of intensity to our lives. In my case, I stopped binging on chocolate (and then purging) and started redirecting that need into eating healthier food (or buying knitting magazines...what's wrong with that? Nothing!).

Just brilliant.

Thank you for writing this down.

: )

HUZZAH FOR C.A.P!!!
Your post inspired me to the following:
Eating a kid sized meal (it was just the right portion *I* wanted to eat). I took a walk with a friend along a beach. I smiled all weekend. I let my son sleep in, and told him a joke when I went to wake him up. Bought a new bra that actually fit!! I'm up for doing what is good for me. Eating something yummy, not hating myself, loving my family, kickin' it with my friends...
Thank you for being such an inspiration!!

I haven't read your 8000 comments yet, but I just had to say ~ BRAVO!!!

I'm so proud of you!! It really is all about health, not weight. As someone who struggles with chronic illness and weight problems, I would ALWAYS choose good health over being skinny. To me it's a no-brainer.

Dr. Roizen commenting here........HOW AWESOME!!! YOU are famous!!!

Hugs, Liz

Be sure to avoid watching things like "woman with 300 lb. tumor" and "the boy with his own twin inside his abdomen" on Discovery Health. You cannot UNSEE what has been seen.

Trust me. :oP

More than 300 comments? Think a few of us have issues with this weight thing?

Losing weight is wicked easy -- just eat only that healthy stuff the nutritionists are always pushing because it doesn't taste good and, in the quantities that you can tolerate it, you'll automatically consume about 423 total calories per day. That'll be $23.95 please. Paypal accepted.

I mean, c'mon. Who ever came home late from a crappy day at the office and snarfed a giant bowl of raw mushroom and celery salad dressed with a squirt of lemon juice and an eyedropper drip of olive oil? I will lose weight when they find a way to make candy taste bad and really, really time consuming to prepare.

did you ask Dr. Roizen if he could get Dr. Oz to comment? Or something?

Just wanted to let you know how much you've made me think this weekend! I also think you're brilliant and know that you're going to succeed.

The word "diet" is "die" with a little cross on the end. haha.

saw a commercial yesterday and thought of you. it was the home and garden tv channel and there was a show coming on called Knit Happens

:o)

I hope we haven't scared you off.

I just wanted to give you a shout out: HELL YEAH!
You go, just being good to yourelf.
I am copascetic with the just wanting to shove a snickers where the sun don't shine. I need to get over the anger and learn how to be good to myself.

Thank you for writing this. It really hit home and resonates with what I have been feeling.

Like so many here, I know exactly what you mean. I'm trying to get to a place where food isn't such a big issue, where I can be simply "normal" and blah blah blah. I'm getting there and so will you. After 26 years of dieting, I'm finally here for the long haul.

All the best, Laurie!

Welcome to the Land of Clarity! I am fairly new here myself. A former resident of the State of Denial, I came here by way of Justification, Procrastination, and , finally, Enlightenment. One day, I just figured it out. Like you, I knew that no diet, no matter how magical it seemed, was going to work because there was always an end date attached. End of diet = end of weight loss. I'm not sure what prompted the magical moment, but I just realized one day that, at 38, if I carried the extra 50 pounds into my 40s, there was a good chance I would carry it to my grave. That was unacceptable to me.

Although I have been following the Weight Watchers plan, I have gradually weaned myself off of the daily structure of tracking every morsel of food I put into my mouth, because, realistically, I'm not going to do that forever. I needed to learn how to make a sweeping change in lifestyle. I changed how I shop. I changed how I cook. And, miraculously, I have lost 28.5 pounds with really not that much effort.

Your words rang so true I could have written them myself. Since you beat me to it, I'll just post a link to your entry on my blog, because I think your words are well worth sharing!

Take care of yourself. You're the only one who can.

After reading this post (and all of the comments! it's a good thing I have a 2 hour bus commute) I was inspired.

I bought the book and a couple of other things, and blogged this morning about how starting today, I am not on a diet.

Thank you.

Wow, reading your post sounded like ME talking! You've inspired me girl...truly. Thanks for sharing -

Yep, healthy eating without dieting is the way to go. But I gotta have my cheesecake, 'cuz is life without cheesecake even really living?

You know, my best friend in AU started writing in her blog about You on a Diet. I think i'm going to check it out.

You are very right--eating healthy for the long run is quite a bit more sane than always having to 'watch what you eat'.

I'm a dancer, and I'm about 40 lbs overweight (down from 60 lbs). I don't want to lose weight to be more accepted, i want to lose weight so it's easier for me to dance...and i LOVE to dance.

BTW i just now decided the above after reading your blog entry. Thanks a bunch. :)

I'll be walking with you. pat

I'll be walking with you. pat

There is no way you wrote that. I know for a fact that had to have come directly from my keyboard. You described me exactly - especially that all or nothing BS, and the buying and reading of the book, the attempt to implement wholesome foods into my life, yada, yada. I have been so wrapped up in my weight all my life - I had a girdle at the age of 12 and ended up going to college to become a registered dietitian. Enough already! Let's just live - to the fullest!!

I'll be walking with you, most mornings. pat

hooray for you - this is a really inspiring post. Having the courage to love and take care of yourself is fantastic and I admire you for it.

you = awesome.

I understand you exactly. I've had similar issues my entire life. I recently read a book called "I'm not the new me." Amazing. Read it and let me know what you think. Its not a diet book. Its a womans memoirs/blogs about her struggles and trying to understand who she is when she is overweight and why somehow she's more valuable as a person when she's thin. Well written and quite a quick read.

consider me inspired...

I wanted to let the male readers of Laurie's Blog (Yes, we're out here!) know that guys can also accomplish the non-diet, it just takes time and a massive amount of patience. Me? I was tired of going through life being known as the 240 pound "big guy". Because of my height (I'm over 6'2) I am able to hide my weight better than most. But I wasn't happy about it, and it showed in my outlook towards life, and the abuse on my back, knees, etc. I wouldn't reach out to people, because I didn't think I was worthy of their attention. Dating was out of the question, what if I was rejected? The horror! And then one day I met the perfect woman, and a few months later realized that she was far more important to me than the bag of Dorito chips that I used to cuddle up with when I got home from work. And guess what? That was what it took for me! I still don't exercise (I know! I know! But give me time, people!) but either the pounds are starting to come off, or my clothes are all stretching at the same time. Last month, for the first time in 20 years, I had to go shopping for a new belt - the old one was too big. To most, that doesn't sound like anything major, but to me, it was a milestone. I sincerely hope that all of you here, male or female, will soon find that same joy. Laurie, thanks for changing lives!

Laurie,what a blessing you are.

Not only have you have evinced tremendous courage and Herculian strength in reclaiming your life and waking up to your true worth,
you have inspired hundreds of lives-behind-the-
words-in-the-comments-box as well...

Humanity would be well served to take a few lessons from a woman with a heart as caring
and determined as yours.

Bless you & your "we're too cool for words" kitties!

Good Lordy, Laurie, you are amazing. To say "out loud" what you say, and to know that people really read it (I blog in the ether, readers? what?) - such courage! I've only commented once or twice before, but you just said everything that's in my head about how I feel about my body - I kept you in mind while I walked while the baby slept this past week, and while I was being conscious of what I put in my mouth... I may not really know you, but your voice is starting to take up residence in my head like my Mom's. She, like you, is one hell of a lady, and always says the wisest things. Thanks!

Magnificent post. Don't know how you got it out of my journal! Dr Roizen and Frances Kuffle comments! You GO Girl!

Great post, thanks for saying what I have been feeling.

Thank you, I'm late and didn't feel like I had time to comment when I first read this. You have put into words what I'm feeling about eating healthy and not 'dieting' Part of it is that I now have a young son and I don't want to model for him that all women diet all the time. That what your body weighs is the most important thing about you. I'll stop now and not clog your comments with the rest of these thoughts.

My favorite most important yoga teacher once said to me, that one of HIS favorite most important teachers had said to him...

"When the soul wakes up... get out of the way."

Sounds like you're waking up and girl... there ain't no going back. I spent a lot of years battling with food, but once you're past that, it's hard to imagine how you ever let it run your life. You're destined for way bigger things!

Thanks to your post, I went and bought "you: on a diet" read it in two sittings and am working on shifting my own views about weight, and food and stuff around myself. SO, you really struck a chord with me.

I'm a very rare poster, but regular reader and I'm starting to think that you might be a long lost sister since we've got soooo many life things in common. Bravo to you for being brave, funny, crazy and wonderful you and for sharing all these things with us.

This has been said many times but I wanted to add a personal Thank You for writing about something that can be so challenging in our society.

Good Luck and Congratulations.

way to go! thank you for saying the things i've been thinking. i too bought the YOU book and it was a good read - very enlightening and unstressful. i think it is key not to be stressed when starting to do something different - b/c if we stay stressed out - we'll go back to our "comfort zones" and never change.

thank you! good luck!! keep us posted.

i am SO glad neil sent this link over. it helps to hear someone i have never met/read is thinking the same way i am! :)

here's to this next chapter. sounds like it's going to be awesome. good for you for choosing YOU.

I recently convinced my mom to start exercising and eating better after years of dieting. She's doing really well at trying not to think about whether she's losing weight. The thought of seeing her grandchildren grow up when her parents didn't have that luxury is a very good motivator.

Also, she's put her dogs on a diet, and they've lost tons of weight, which I think has caused her to stumble across THE miracle diet. You just need somebody to be the sole provider of ALL your food, then you have them reduce it to the amount THEY want, and each time you beg for a snack, they toss you a baby carrot. No exercise even involved in this diet, and it's working like a charm. Of course, I am currently waiting for the uprising to start.

And, just so you know, having kids causes that same invisibleness. You don't even have to be that overweight after pregnancy to become invisible. It just happens.

I know this is an old post, and you may not even read this comment, but I haven't had internet lately, so...