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January 25, 2007


I just accidentally told my boss he was funky fresh dressed to impress ready to party. Then, if I'm not mistaken, I believe I did some jazz hands.

It is kind of a miracle I am still employed here at Formal Business Corporation. I hope it's because I do good work and not because they're afraid to fire the mentally challenged girl.

Since I have been awkward most of my life (it started around about three hours of age) I have gotten used to the stupid stuff that comes out of my mouth. It is the physical awkwardness that is really problematic. Like the inappropriate hugging.

Now, following the life law of "I can talk about my mama but you can't talk about my mama," I do hate anyone strange (i.e. men on the subway) making advances at me. But if I accidentally inappropriately hug someone I don't think it's pervy, mostly because
A) It's from me (see life law, above) and
B) My hugs are not sexual in nature, just weirdly timed.

Like at Stitch 'n Bitch sometimes I will sit next to Faith the whole time and barely talk then all the sudden she goes to get a coke and comes back and I hug her. She is nice about it though. At least I am not doing jazz hands. Also, there are people who I am too shy to talk to at stitch 'n bitch ... I am unable to eek out a word to them for three months then one day I am hugging them hello.

Also, this happens with strangers.

I had to get my Jeep smog checked again. Last time I got smogged it was two years ago and I was having a rather long and surprising run of bad luck and of course I failed the test. When that happened, I cried. Not just small tears. NOSIREE. I was sobbing hysterically and I believe I mentioned something about "God" and "smite" and also "husband who left me to get his creativity back" and "merlot." It was really uncomfortable for the poor smog technician who was not sure what to do with a hysterical woman at 10 a.m.

This year when I got the smog notice in my registration renewal, I sighed. But that was pretty much the extent of my emotional reaction. Of course I did have to find a different place to get smogged, since I was too embarrassed to go back to the first guy.

I took my Jeep to New Place, where I met Pham. He was approximately 100 years old and four inches shorter than me and he was wearing a cowboy hat. I knew I was in the right place.

He took my keys and my DMV smog form and assured me I was next in line.

Me: I hope I pass.
Pham: I hope so, too.
Me: Last time I failed, and also... I cried.
Pham: Well, I hope I won't make you cry today.
Me: I'm in a much better place emotionally, so I think I probably won't cry. But just in case I do, it's nothing personal, okay?
Pham: Okay miss. You want I make coffee?

I waited for what seemed like three hours but finally he got to my Jeep. I admit I was kind of worried, mostly because repairing whatever failed on the last smog test cost me A LOT of money. But, unlike last time, it did not seem like a direct sign from the universe that my entire life is failing and I should immediately embark on a life of crime and/or join a nunnery and/or revive the side ponytail.

From my perspective, this is progress.

After an excruciating million hours of testing, my Jeep passed! And when Pham gave me this news, you know what happened. I inappropriately hugged him.

Then he gave me a $15 discount on the smog test, so in the end it wasn't that bad of a hug, I guess.

I called Jennifer, who was studying for a degree in THE LAW and probably learning very valuable information, and made her leave the library so she could hear my exciting news.

Me: I had to take my car to get smogged.
Jen: Oh no. I'm so sorry. Did you cry?
Me: I PASSED!!! I didn't cry!
Jen: That's awesome!!!
Me: I did inappropriately hug the smog check guy.
Jen: Well, that's progress!

And, as far as I recall, I didn't do jazz hands when he gave me my keys back. Now if I could just bring that remarkable self-control to the office environment, I'd be golden.

Posted by laurie at January 25, 2007 9:58 AM