Merry Christmas!

there's just something about being happy. i just got married in september, and we've been together for 3 years before that, and new each other for 3 years before that, and i still light up when i see him.

my mom still kisses my dad's high school picture when she sees it (he's been gone 5 1/2 years)

Awesome post darlin'. I've been in recovery from Very Bad Relationships for mmmm, a year and a half now, and I think I'm ready to start the finding an awesome guy part. I've had a false start, and yup, the thought of eating my own head occured to me :)

Thanks for the reminder to keep on trying :) Happy list making!

Awesome post darlin'. I've been in recovery from Very Bad Relationships for mmmm, a year and a half now, and I think I'm ready to start the finding an awesome guy part. I've had a false start, and yup, the thought of eating my own head occured to me (he was a pilot of some kind, and had some very odd assumptions about redheads) :)

Thanks for the reminder to keep on trying :) Happy list making!

Thanks for making me cry - re: the bathroom beauty parlor story!

Yeah!!! That's my girl! Get back UP on that horse! No matter what some may say, there ARE good 'uns out there and you deserve someone absolutely fan-freakin'-tastic. Don't give up, Laurie!

Thanks for making me cry - re: the bathroom beauty parlor story!

During my furst date with my D.H. I told him where I had been emotionally (that I was still pretty damaged), where I was at the time (pretty proud of myself for getting through it), and where I wanted to be in the future (undamaged).

He told me the same story, just with different names involved.

It wasn't a list, but it was full disclosure. And I felt like I could trust him because he came with references from friends. Really!

I think you have a good idea there.

When I was single I had one rule:

ALWAYS maintain personal dignity.

When I felt myself getting all worked up and silly about a guy, or something a guy was doing or not doing, I would take an emotional step back and look at the situation as if from someone else's perspective. If a guy treated me shabbily, he was gone. He could buy me dinner later and apologize and grovel and beg, but that was it. No second chances. If he does it early in a relationship, just imagine what he's like in the long run!

Good on ya!

I have a list of 5 basic criteria that any man I consider dating must meet:

1. single
2. lives alone
3. employed
4. taller than me
5. no drugs

If he passes all of those, I hope he has a sense of humor and is equally "into" me. I haven't met anyone who fit the first five since ... oh god ... 1994. And people ask me why I'm still single.

Are we going to get a CRAP (CRazy Aunt Purl) horrorscope for January (complete with sunsigns - apparently those are important)? It's my birthday month, just sayin' ya know?

This is the post that is making me stop being a lurker on your wonderful, fantastic, I can't get enough of your writing blog...I am still unraveling from a relationship gone bad and you've just convinced me that there can be good times to come.

Yes, definitely horrorscopes are coming for January :)

My mother passed her criteria on to me, and I think they are good ones: Kind, dependable, and able to lift heavy objects. You can go a long way with kind and dependable.

This is the post that is making me stop being a lurker on your wonderful, fantastic, I can't get enough of your writing blog...I am still unraveling from a relationship gone bad and you've just convinced me that there can be good times to come.

Thanks for making me realize how lucky I am. I guess I am a little like your mom...always happy to see my husband walk through the door. But you also made me realize that my husband might not know how I feel...which I can rectify. :-)

Like the say, you have to kiss (in in some cases marry) a few toads before you find your prince. And goodness knows, you deserve a prince. :-)

Amen. That is all.

I read your previous post and Girl, I'm sorry. But I feel your pain.

I went on a date with a guy that I met via the internet. He sounded great on the phone. Intelligent, even. But when we met, I found out that he had gold teeth. AND he was a "former" crackhead...AND he served time in jail for trying to support his "crackheadedness".

Needless to say, I didn't call him back.

So sweetly written. You will find him, just as you have found the true Laurie over these past 24 months....

word, girl.
Thanks for reminding me - its too easy to dwell on the bad parts and forget the good moments too.

merry merry

I just got off the phone with the boyfriend. We're arguing in that "can't seem to be on the same page" way. It could be that both of us quit smoking within the last 3 weeks.... or the fact that the power is about to get shut off unless we can come up with $500 by tomorrow. lovely.
Thanks for reminding me that life isn't all sunshine, and the pure fact that my heart still skips when he calls, means something worthwhile.

That's a great list of things to figure out. Having married young, I sort of made things up as I went along. Cliche alert: you can get through a ton of crud if you have someone who makes you laugh.

Thanks for making me realize how lucky I am. I guess I am a little like your mom...always happy to see my husband walk through the door. But you also made me realize that my husband might not know how I feel...which I can rectify. :-)

Like the say, you have to kiss (in in some cases marry) a few toads before you find your prince. And goodness knows, you deserve a prince. :-)

Thank you for posting this, I know that plenty of women think the same thing. I know for myself, being single and all, I have gone through those emotions too, and you're right, we have to make a list and not settle. I think too many good women settle and we shouldn't, because we derserve more!You're great! I love reading your blog, thank you for being real.

I love the idea of a list, and must include my best friend's mother's advice, given when we were teenagers: never get involved with a guy who spends more time on his hair than you do on yours.

Just at the point of figuring out what I deserve, what I will put up with, what I will let go, where I will compromise, where I won't...and just hoping that he's out there somewhere. After 14 years (2 relationships) of "letting it slide", I'm aiming for a grown-up relationship this time round. And if he has a flat stomach then so much the better! Bit scary to be in the same place as you Laurie...!

Awww, I love the story about your mom and the curling iron and her eagerness to see your dad at the end of the day.

I had that once. (He wasn't that eager to see me at the end of the day, towards the end of the marriage.)

I hope to find it again someday. And this time, it will be reciprocated.

Amen. It's also good to know what's a dealbreaker with you (e.g. being super bona fide crazy, like my most memorable ex).

"The sooner you get over Mr. Wrong the sooner you can move on to the next Big Loser." - Elizabeth Kuster

(She wrote Exorcising Your Ex -- huh-ighly recommended).

hear, hear!

Amen. And not just to being happy in dating. To being happy in life and with yourself. Because you are the most important person in your life.

Maybe

I know that feeling your mom had, very well. I hope that you find it too. I have confidence that you will; I hope it happens soon.

This entry was just lovely. You made me smile today :)

real love IS a promise, whether there's a ring or certificate involoved. You have to make the promise everyday with OR without those things.

The first date I had after my divorce was the sweetest, most romantic date I have ever been on. ANd it was the only one. We went out once, and that was it. And he had just as much fun, but was convinced I would want a commitment. I didn't, but I wnated hime to want me, like I wanted him. Which he didn't. So there you go. He made me feel beautiful, and alive, and desirable. It was worth all the broken heart I got from it.

As a fellow gal trying to get back into the dating scene, I feel ya. It's hard, it's scary, and I've become so independent that my list is getting harder and harder to meet. Oh well. We deserve to be happy and I've gotten to the place where if that means I'm happy alone, then I'm happy alone (ok, still working on believing that, but whatever).

And I've found an old song from my past sums up what I'm looking for: "My Baby Loves Me" by Martina McBride. :)

You deserve the moon girl! So go get a lasso and get it! It might take some time and practice.. but you will catch it in the end! Settle for nothing less.

Ladies and Gents, Let's troll through our Blackberrys and find a good man* we know who's heart is as big as Laurie's.

*Must have warm lap for catnaps.

Your mother was a very lucky woman. My problem is that I really don't believe we're all going to get that lucky. I'm doing what you've been doing, trying to figure out what the right line is between too high standard and too low. But I've become convinced that the sort of love your mom had, where the couple are still starry-eyed after years together, is a pretty rare thing, like being gifted at music. Everyone can learn to play a little music, but not everyone can be Bob Dylan. I've known two couples in my life (not my parents, though they've stayed together for 45 years) who have been blessed with that. I would like to find it, but I'm not going to give up a good, solid, respectful and warm relationship for it. Maybe I'm just a cynic, but that's my take.

Yay, Laurie...picture yourself finding someone who fits into your list and you are on the way to finding the right person - someone who will more than appreciate all the greatness you have to offer, and a CAT-appreciative one at that!
It has happened for me just recently and it feels great. He's a widower who loved his wife for 35 years and nursed her to the end. He promised her he would begin his life anew with someone who loved him, and after going through lots of grief counseling, and some unfortunate local dating, he placed a post on-line on the same day I did...CLICK! It was magic from the first moment and he is a CAT lover extraordinaire. It will happen for you!!

There seem to be a lot of "not quite" divorced men (& I suppose women, too) here in SoCal that are on the dating market. They seem really confused and even insulted when you imply that maybe they should think about getting divorced BEFORE they go out to make a new Love Connection.

Have you ever heard of quirky alone? It's an awesome book. It voices a lot of the same things, not settling and finding someone right for you.

this is an incredible post - I have been blogging about attempted dating for 6 mos. and you just summarized it all so nicely! I echo you on the not settling - when you get your heart broken, or get out of something that's just not right and realize how much better off you are - you become hyper-sensitive to how many people are settling around you. It's those couples whose faces light up day after day that let me say I would rather be on my own than give up a chance to find that - no matter when it might come into my life - tomorrow or in 15 years.

pyewacket -- my mom and dad are definitely not starry-eyed. They have their moments, sometimes she threatens to smother him with a pie in his sleep. Sometimes he calls her Imelda Marcos... now with purses, too! LOL

But that one moment was such a nice thing to see. It 's an up-and-down thing, I think, sometimes are better than others. But the core, underlying feeling of happiness is there.

I have no illusions that I'll find a starry-eyed kind of love, all roses and wine and white horses. I'm way too imperfect myself and tend to be suspect of "perfect" men (since they often turn out to STILL BE MARRIED. Ahem)

I just wanted to write this because, well. A) I was maybe drinking wine last night and B) dating sucks, but it isn't ALL bad all the time. Every once in a while you get one lovely night, and you need those to hold onto hope.

Also, no one wants you to give up good and solid and warm for... dating. GAH. Believe me, I'm not advertising the JOY of dating here, just trying to offset the impression I may have left from my story about "Dating For Dummies" that the process is all just a waste of time and so why bother at all.

You know? It's mostly for those women who, like me, need faith and hope that things just work out somehow. It's hard at the holidays when you're alone and just found out the guy you were seeing is a certified butthead. So I needed to think back, remember what has been good in all this.

Sometimes the mere fact I left my house is enough to make me feel hopeful LOL.

he *must* love cats. honestly, my cats have been around a lot longer then the men.

Did you go to the Donna Martin yard sale?

I tried to go to Donna Martin's yard sale but there was traffic literally backed all the way out to Laurel Canyon! There were peopel CAMPED OUT overnight for entry... to a yard sale. I had to be in the office by about 11 a.m., so I just turned around and drove into work. *sigh*

Once again foiled by traffic and too many people.

Have you ever heard of quirky alone? It's an awesome book. It voices a lot of the same things, not settling and finding someone right for you.

Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, my best friend made quite a detailed list of the qualities she wanted in a man. She even put a date on it. The day before her deadline, he showed up. And the weird thing is, he also had made a list, with the same deadline. Sounds like a California thang, yes? But it happened on the other side of the country.

I recommend it ... like chicken soup in a car wreck, it can't hurt!

Oh, Laurie, that's so lovely. And so are you! If anybody *could* write a handbook for that sort of thing, it would be you.

My friends instituted an interview process for the men who wanted in to our very close knit group. Some survived - some didn't. I'm proud to say that my husband did. However, before the interview concept, I always thought that a credit report and a nice long chat with Possible-Mr.-Right's sister would be good. Mom's will gloss over their son's short comings. A sister certainly won't!

You wanna meet good men, then get the hell outta California. By your own admission, it's fricken crazy out there, what do you expect? I know you've heard California is like granola, its full of fruits nuts and flakes!!!
You know I love ya, just some tough love, k? =)

You write so wonderfully, and you described my guy perfectly,
"Because I want that! I want to feel squirmy and happy and just pleased to see the look of a person. I just need a real warmth, some good laughing, and loving, someone who can adore me in the manner to which I would like to become accustomed. And hopefully he likes cats."

I keep telling him I need to clone him for other skeptics of love like me. If I succeed in the cloning, I'll send one your way. (He likes, and owns, cats)

Until then, best of luck and God Bless!

Great post! I too was confused about what I could expect out of people, but the fact is, I had the list in my head so I might as well be honest about it. I think "The List" is the beginning of solid self-esteem rearing its gorgeous head.

If you love yourself, BEFORE you start dating, get yourself the book, "Are you the One for me?" by Barbara DeAngelis. In this, she totally makes you take a look at the lists that you should be making to avoid stepping into another relationship disaster. You might be able to find a used copy of it for a penny or so on Amazon--best penny you will ever have spent!

I love that story about your Mom! One of my friends describes her relationship with her husband like that, like that "I can't wait to see him, even on an ordinary day" type of feeling. Ever since she told me that story that's been a point of reference for me, too. Because it puts it all into perspective when I would rather see my cat at the end of the day than the guy I'm dating! Thankfully I have that "can't wait" feeling with the guy I'm dating now and I'm so happy for it. Everything else feels like icing on the cake.

Oh, Laurie - I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking that you were looking for roses and knights on horseback. It's just that I've known only two couples in my whole life who were still clearly in love after a long time together - that doesn't mean they didn't fight or have long, dull tedious evenings by the t.v. But they still had these obvious moments of "in love" - moments when even after thirty years, they looked at each other like there was nothing they wanted more on earth than to be together. My parents are good to each other, loyal and faithful and they will stay together until they die, but they don't have that. In fact, most couples, even the ones who treat each other with decency and respect and who have built a good life together, don't have that. And I've spent a lot of time wondering how much one should look for that, or expect it, and I was just thinking out loud here. Sorry to sound, I don't know, judgmental.

You go girl!

I like that, a LIST. To remind me of things I forget. My recent top of the list

1. More talking less drinking

2. Remember what I am worth

Thanks Laurie!

I don't have a list, although I should, but I did post a questionnaire on my blog back in May which y'all can feel free to use. I haven't actually given it to anyone myself (since I don't want them to think I'm CRAZY) but if you do, let me know how it works out for ya!

http://saunteringsoul.blogspot.com/2006/05/im-thief.html

Laurie, I love the story about your parents. So freakin' sweet!

The way you describe your mom's eagerness to see your dad reminds me of a recent episode of Oprah (I know - can everything in life be compared to an episode of Oprah???), when Julia Roberts was on plugging Charlotte's Web. She talked about how excited she is when her husband walks through the door, and how she's almost in competition with her son to get to him first when he comes home -- she's still that starry-eyed in love. I think that's not such a bad goal to have, to want a love like that.

A few years ago when my parents had their 45th anniversary (they're at 52 years, now, by the way), I asked my mom what it felt like to be married for 45 years. She said with a smile, "it doesn't feel any different than when I was married for 45 days". (And this is after having six kids and 12 grandchildren). Her sweet response really opened my eyes and stuck with me, and has set the bar very har for all my future relationships.

Here's hoping we each have relationships like that.

pyewacket, I never for a minute thought you were being judgemental! Plus, part of this whole thing is me trying to figure out what's even realistic to expect, you know?

I liked your comment. I like it when something makes me think :) No worries at all!

oh so true!

pyewacket -- I don't think *anyone* stays in love their whole life, or for more than a few years (especially if they live together). I also don't know that you can tell from the outside if people have or don't have that "nothing more on earth" feeling. A friend of mine has been with her husband over 30 years, and they bicker now the same way they did when I met them 12 years ago. I really don't know if they feel that way or not. I bet they do, but who can tell?

I had a very odd experience this morning: DH and I usually carpool to work together (we work at different companies about a mile apart), but today he had an appointment and one vehicle was in the shop, so I hitched a ride with a coworker. I hardly know him, but he's a nice guy, we had a nice conversation, and it beat driving in alone. However, it did not hold a candle to driving in with DH, a practice we began with the sole goal of conserving energy and reducing GHG emissions. Now even if I were offered a job I could walk to that paid twice the money, I'd really hate to give up that driving time. *Because* we have been together since time began and are easy together, I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else under the sun. I'm not explaining this very well, but when I'm with him I just feel warm.

Lucia, lucky, blessed Lucia -- you've got what I'm holding out for! :-)

What an awesome memory of your parents, that at 14 you were able to see a visual of what love looks like. You're right, we all deserve a little slice of happy.

Do.Not.Settle. The man who can adore you in the manner to which you would like to become accustomed is out there. He will probably be the man who scares you a little at first and you think he might be a stalker but it's only that he's so smitten with you. Okay, so that's what happened to me. We're celebrating our 18th anniversary on Saturday. Also, he HAS to love cats. That should be your second question before you go out with someone (after "Are you married?"). You know, "Must Love Cats."

-A crazy cat lady from the South who also has 4 cats. And likes wine. And who knits.

Believe me, I know how lucky I am. I wish he had a whole passel of brothers that I could set you all up with.

So one of my friends and I figured it out. If the person is one sign away from you. Like Taurus/Gemini you're more likely to have issues. Of course if you both have worked on the issues carried in those signs and/or have complimentary other signs it should all be just fine.

Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself. I really look forward to reading your posts. I'm so glad you had such a good example of relationships,I did too. I'm grateful every day for it. Dating is hard enough without good examples of what you should have.

Kindly get out of my head, Auntie.

I keep thinking about that line from Four Weddings and a Funeral about wanting to say I was adored too. Love would be nicer, but that whole knowing your worth thingy is worth more, I think.

Oh, and my list has changed as I've gotten older. I like to think that's a good thing, but only time will tell.

I'm all for the lists! And if answering a few carefully thought-out questions on the first date is going to freak them out then they are clearly too feeble to be viable dating stock anyway. If they think THAT'S weird, imagine what they will say when they see the stash or meet your family!

I'm a compulsive list writer. I took a LONG one with me and he answered every one. I took notes. He thought I was charming. I thought he was possible. 9 years and counting...

And there are still good men out there! I can vouch for the prescence of at least one in NY. Secondhand, bit creased around the edges, no longer skinny but a nice guy, no perversions, doesn't drink, drug or gamble, no criminal past, respectably employed and a good parent (kid lives on the other side of the planet with very nice ex-wife) who has no weird habits and LIKES CATS. Comes with references and bona fide decree absolut. Can vacuum, feed himself, good at ironing and has learnt not to give the lady in his life a new frying pan for her birthday. British, 45 and knitter-friendly.

Ah, yes, the list. I am one that totally believes in it (now). After my last breakup, my best friend insisted I make one. So I did. Very detailed without any expectation that I would actually meet a person that fit those things.

But then I did! And, granted it's early yet, I am excited to see her EVERY day, even when we've only been apart for a few hours.

So, I would say don't give up and don't settle!

And thank you for sharing your angst with us, and your kitties :)

we all deserve someone to look forward to seeing again, especially when it is after a long 9 hours of work. I have lived with my fella for 26 years. We were babies when we started this thing and there were times we almost didn't make it through to the next year. I still find him the most interesting person to talk to and he STILL laughs at my jokes.
Have faith in love my dear, someone as charming, funny and enchanting as you won't be alone too long.

I was thinking about you last night, Laurie. I was trying to clean my bathrooms when my daughter dumped her dirty brushes and paint-splattered palettes into my just-cleaned sink (she is an ARTEEST!) The dog insisted on coming in and out and in and out of our back door and my son's room still looked like an A-bomb had been detonated that morning (I had been yelling at him ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY to clean it) and my husband was on his way home and there was NO DINNER made yet!!

It was them that I thought "boy, Laurie has no idea how lucky she is....no teenagers, no others except herself to clean up after, proper dinners are optional, and no husband to look at you as if you've lost your ever-living mind!!"

And then my husband came home, yelled at the kids for me, made dinner and told me how clean the bathrooms looked. It was at that moment that I realized how truly lucky I am to have a man that really cares for me and about me and doesn't seem to mind my insanity that terribly much. He gave me a backrub after dinner and for the first time in a long while I felt really happy.

I just know someday you're going to find the love of your life. In the meantime, though, please promise me that you'll enjoy the freedoms that you have right now. You know, ice cream and wine for dinner, laundry for one and total control over the remote.

You're so generous with your life and thoughts. Thank you for sharing them with me and helping me appreciate my life. You've certainly made a difference for me and a lot of others. The man you eventually choose will be a lucky one, indeed.

Maybe your Mom just wanted to show off her new hairstyle to your Dad. (o:

*cheers*

Now I have to start working on my own list. It shall include this niblet: "enter long-distance relationships with EXTREME CAUTION." Prolly should have done some P.I. work before I began exchanging emails & phone calls with The East Coast Guy Who Shall Remain Nameless, feh.

But until my long-distance powers of B.S. detection have sharpened up, I shall confine myself to the available men within a 100-mile radius. That's still a whole lotta pinheads to sift through.

I used to feel like that about my husband. We adored each other for many years. It's not the same now. Things happened to make me see him more clearly. He hasn't changed, only my perception of him has. It's really sad, but true. We've been separated for five years. I filed for divorce but he wouldn't sign it. It will happen, it will just take more time and money. I am better off without him. It's strange to remember thinking he was the best husband on the planet and how much I looked forward to being with him every day.

"Unrelated note"? I think not. I don't think there's any place outside of CA that a man would walk out on a date for a bad sun sign combo. Freak much?

I know exactly what you mean about the squirminess. With three kids, I'm lucky if I notice my husband when he walks in the room these days. But, when I do, he often takes my breath away. That's where I set the bar.

YAY!!!

You are totally getting it!

I love you :-) and congratulations!

Now go to a knit night or something? will ya? ;-)

I'm sort of scared to say this because of what I've read in these comments, but I'm on the other side of the fence. Here goes. I have been separated for five years. I filed for divorce and my husband wouldn't sign it. I think it's just a power trip on his part. I will get one, but it will take more time and money. Now, I haven't dated yet, but I am starting to think about it. I think that as long as I am up front and honest about my situation, why would it be wrong for me to date? At this point, the reason why I haven't gotten the divorce yet or dated is because I work two jobs and go to school, so not much time. Don't look at me like that! Why would it be wrong if I am not trying to deceive anyone?

I remember right after my husband of 12 years left, watching "Life is Beautiful" and crying my eyes out because the hero kept calling his wife "My princess" and realizing I had never been loved or appreciated like that even though we'd been together for more than a decade.

My sister the Pagan (Wicca has too many rules, she tells me,) told me to make a list of the ideal qualities I wanted in a man, and to meditate on it. So I did, very angrily. And when I did Match.com, I said I wanted a man who was "ethical, honest and kind." The funny thing is, now-fiance saw my posting the day after it went up and e-mailed me right away. He said the way I described myself and what I wanted, he knew I would be perfect for him. And he didn't give up, even when I told him on the second date that maybe we'd be better off as friends. (I thought he was too good to be true.)

He came up with his own nickname for me: "Mi tesoro." (My Treasure, in Spanish.)

They're out there, and don't worry about "what you deserve" or setting the bar "too high."

As the Spanish say, "better alone than in bad company." (I think it's mejor sola que mal acompanada, or something like that.)

Laurie, if you think that great first date and first kiss is fun, wait until you have the first good nooky!
The first time I was with the gentlemen I'm with now was my first time after my ex, and only the second guy I'd ever done it with...anyway, the first time with him was unbelievable! I realized my ex hadn't had a clue what he was doing!
Life post my Mr. X is good.

He's also a wonderful man who treats me like gold. I come first with him...(ahem!) in EVERY way.

Pamela: There is a BIG difference between being honest about your situation, like you are, *or* telling a lie like "Jack" did to me. I think If "Jack" would have told me up front about his situation I would have had more respect for him (I wouldn't have dated him, though, because I'm too sensitive to being the wife who got cheated on, and I'm just weird that way) (but I wouldn't have thought anything worse about him, and would have appreciated his candor).

HOWEVER, when he lied to me (for FIVE months) it made me realize... big lie, little lie. Lie about something that big and you will lie about anything. Now, I fib all the time (about my weight, about how much ice cream I really ate, etc.) but not about my marital status or key life issues. You know? If he lied about that, what else was he hiding?

I don't think anyone at all would judge you for wanting to reclaim your life! It's all relative, you know. It's all in how you handle a thing. And good luck with all this. I can't believe he won't sign the frickin papers!

Other Lisa... I love your stories about you and your guy :) Gives me hope! Same with all ya'll, Lucia your story about made me cry, and you, too Liz. Thanks a lot!! People at work think I'm a big soggy weirdo LOL.

LaDonna! Your comment about personal dignity was exactly what I needed now. Ka-ray-zay dudes out there made me doubt myself.

Jenn! Your list of basic criteria made me assess the guys who have recently been in my life -- in romantic (using THAT word loosely) and friendship capacities and they have, uh, been lacking. Not a one has definitely met all five criteria...and that doesn't even factor in how they score on the annoying or selfish scale!

-Waking up and smelling...what is that? Coffee? Sweet!

Also: damn. Check out my comma splices.

That was really well said! As difficult as it can be, having a long term serious relationship (or marriage) end can be a real eye opener in terms of showing you what is important to you, and what you are willing to put up with (and what you aren't). In my experience, when you find the right person you are willing to put up with things that you wouldn't put up with for someone else. Not 'deal breaker' kinds of things, but little annoyances that would make you want to eat someone else's head, but which you find endearing in the person you have chosen (and who has chosen you).

You're on the right track Laurie!

It really is all about knowing what you want. It's complicated to some degree, because there are big things that are important and also little things, but it is an art to knowing what should be on the List and what shouldn't. There's a handbook I found helpful a while back, after I left my ex-h (14 years of marriage) and started truly creating the vision of what I wanted in a man.

And it works! My wonderful honey and I have that eagerness to see each other, every evening, and every morning, after 3-1/2 years in person (met on the net 4 years ago). :D It is a great measure of how happy you are together.

Oh...and he likes cats. :) Even recently said he would like to have one sometime. He's perfect! :D

I'm sure you'll find your perfect guy. Good riddance to Jack-Ass, I say.

Pamela: Laurie's right. Yeah she is!

Lies... No bueno. Also, what I like to call -- with a slight squint in my eyes and all mysterious like -- =the signs= ... Yesshhhh... The signs...

The signs are, well, for example, after you've had your roll in the hay with Mr. Right Now and you know he's loaded (in a pharmaceutical and monetary way) but you know he's front page bad news and, well, he throws a towel at you to mop up whilst he scurrys off to do who-knows-what and then fixes himself a sandwich in the buff. Yeah, THOSE kinds of signs.

So, I says to myself, "Self, marshal the forces. We're not going to wait around to be inevitably dumped or thrown out or toyed with. We're going to ace his serve. Watchie..." Grab cab at 2 a.m. and make for the door.

Him: "Where are you going?"
Me: "I'm going home."
Him: "Wha?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Him: "You can't leave!"
Me: (blank look)
Him: "Good luck getting a cab!"
Me: "I'll take my chances"

Unfortunately, cab like, never came. So I slept in 'til 9, got morning nookie and then grabbed a cab without saying "buh bye."

As far as I know, he's still bugging his friend for my number, which I have not agreed to give out. Fortunately, his friend is also being my friend and protecting me.

So, Mr. Loaded is probably not used to having the tables turned a little on him and, well, that was fun for me.

Little victories are fun.

I have to agree with solip, LaDonna: what you said about personal dignity made me sit up straight! I'll be filing that one away, for sure. Thank you :)

Laurie: thanks for that, it didn't feel like it would be wrong as long as I didn't deceive anyone. It goes deeper than that. I couldn't deceive anyone about something like that, much less someone I cared about. Oh well, I don't have time for a life anyway.

Ha. Post my own nasty break-up, I assembled my list in the form of a description of Sven, the Perfect Man. It started out as a joke (tall, can crush walnuts with his pecs, professional masseur) and then became a real list: honest, reliable, follows through, mental age matches chronological age, doesn't lie, etc. And lo, I met him. So figure out what your own personal Sven would be like and have at. (Most important quality? Functional adulthood. I kid you not. Rare, but oh, so precious.)

List: Good, no, fantastic idea.

Remembering that when a good guy comes along, the List still inevitably goes out the window: Also good idea. :)

As hard as things have gotten at times in my marriage my heart still flutters when my husband arrives home (well mostly) and without fail when he puts his dan in the small of my back. I just love that. I also still save his messages to my cell phone so I can hear him say 'i love you' over and over again. I am a total nerd that way.

As a fellow Southern girl who has recently dumped her husband because he is Satan, I appreciate tonight's post. Dating scares me to death. And I have a much shallower pool to fish from than you as I'm in a small town filled with retired males and beach bums. Joy! Keep forging the path for us dating newbies!

So what did your Dad say about your Mom's hair? :)

You should pick up the book "Why Men Love Bitches". It is a fabulous read. And, contrary to what the title SOUNDS like, it is actually filled with exactly what you are talking about. How to be a strong, independant woman and deal with men in a way that appeals to their inner beings. It's not a book about being a jerk, it is a book about how to stand up and avoid dating a jerk. It helped me realize that I was tolerating wayyyy too much junk from men. You can get it on amazon.com for wicked cheap. :o)

Aw, you made me tear up. Lovely words. Really.

Only one thing: no "hopefully" about the part of whether he likes cats. That's an unconditional requirement.

When I was old enough to notice boys, my granny told me an exceptionally wise thing that, with VERY few exceptions, has proved unfailingly true.

"Be sure the boy you marry loves all kinds of animals. A man who dislikes cats does not respect women. A man who dislikes dogs will not be kind to children. And a man who dislikes horses can't handle trouble."

(And when she said "dislikes" she didn't mean people who avoid animals they are allergic to.)

Johanna said, " If the person is one sign away from you. Like Taurus/Gemini you're more likely to have issues. "

OMGosh, girl, you may have ID'd the source of all evil in my marriage - I'm a Taurus, and The Husband is a Gemini. That kind of freaked me out!

In other news, Laurie, I too loved your mom story -and I still feel that way mostly about The Husband. Sadly, he's "lost that loving feeling" so we're in limbo (and counseling)...

I had a list of all the things I didn't want. It may have seemed like a negative thing to do, but somehow necessary at the time. It was somewhere to start, and it morphed into the list that I did want. Balance, I suppose.
After all this time, the lists are out the freaking window anyway. Patterns still creep through and I realize the lists were a reflection of me, myself, and I. Oh lordy, the work it takes to manage my crap, let alone be a good partner in a relationship.

You know what? It's amazing that you would post this today. ESPECIALLY after I finished glancing through "Singled Out: How Singles are Stigmatized, Stereotyped, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" today on amazon.com.

At 25 years of age and after never experiencing a single serious relationship, I wouldn't say that I've settled for being lonely. I can honestly look back on my life and say serious relationships aren't for me. Maybe it's because sex has always been horribly boring to me (and no, I'm not lesbian), or maybe it's because I can't say a single man has ever made me feel as "alive" as you explained in your post....dare I say it; falling in love isn't high up on my priority list. It's not out of fear that I say this, but with complete honesty.

I wish you all the best with your search for love, I just wish it would be more socially acceptable to be single and allow others to do the same (whether it be finding a mate, staying single, getting married, etc.) withOUT passing judgment. Just my 2 ¢.

So long as the list includes things like...
Lives with parents?
Lives with not-even-ex-yet-wife?
Has how many kids?
Wanted for how many things (murder, car jacking, etc)?
Tells lies how often?
Uses deoderant?

And yes, I have had the luck to date the guy who didn't follow that last one there. Yes, I was young and stupid.

You'll find him! I found my guy about 10 years ago--we've been married for seven years in January. His wife left him thinking there were greener pastures after 20 years of marriage (she hadn't dated many other men and a lot of her friends were getting divorces). She was so foolish! I got a man who is kind and trustworthy; he can fix anything; likes to be silly or romantic or both at the same time; loves animals (we have five dogs now); love his own kids and LOVES my kids (a plus); loves his mother (an indicator!)and he loves me. It can't get much better than this. He'll just show up someday and you'll know you were meant to be!

i am going through all that dating stuff, now, too. it's interesting, that's for sure. i have just decided that i am going to try to be happy regardless of if there is a man in my life or not.

Get out of California. 80% are phonies, the other 20% are married from out of state.

The man in your life needs to be your very best friend. A friend that will be there and accept you throughout the changes in your life, the good and bad since nothing stays the same. A friend accepts you no matter what sun sign or political belief, will not run during the down times.

To find this 'friend' you simply need to be yourself and do what 'you' enjoy. There will be your person on that same path if you stay true to yourself.

Do not be discouraged Laurie. The right guy is out there for you somewhere. And please, just because a guy may not have filed or completed his divorce yet, do not count him out (completely). As long as he is open, honest, and upfront with you, give him a chance. He may be a great guy who got screwed around. After my exwife left me, I did not file for divorce for over a year. I did not do this because I was hoping that she and I would get back together, I did this because I knew that she would not take the initiative to file, and that she would not be able to marry the guy that she left me for (someone who was supposedly my friend) until after I filed. What prompted me to file was meeting the wonderful, kind, sweet, intellignet lady that I am now married to (almost 5.5 years).

Just keep your eyes open, and do not necessarily actively seek him, and I promise you that you will find him.

You speak the truth! I just need to remember it when I lose my head (which often happens...) :)

Laurie: love how you word stuff - nice to know that others think/feel the same way.

Anna: sex is only boring with the wrong guy ;-)

I'm going to think over this list idea. Although having to list "not married" shows how shallow the pool is.

I am married to "the one" I love him more than anything, and happy just to have him in the same room. Problem is, he isn't the best at showing emotions or affection and often puts off an air of indifference. I often forget that he feels the same way, until he "acidently" lets his guard down. Ask anyone else, and they will tell you that it is obvous he is simply devoted to me. He was talking to a freind in front of me one time and said "I often tell pepople I have the best marriage ever" OH REALLY, when were you going to tell ME this? When frustrated with this, I think of how he cried when he saw me on our wedding day(only time I have ever seen him cry), or how he doesn't want any more children, simlply because he can't stand to see me ill for that long.

cheers, Laurie--- your parents sound awesome.

Oh, I have to disagree with the comment about people not staying in love after many years. My parents were like that. Sure, they argued some but always in private but my Mom slammed doors when she was mad. But they always made up. They were married 45 years (til Dad died) and right up til the end, they would look across the room at each other and you could just see it. Almost like they were the only people in the room. You could almost reach out and touch it!!

Of course, sometimes I felt a little left out but it was a marvelous thing to grow up with.

"I figure I can describe/Since I have a choice in the matter/And these are 21 things/that I want/in a lover" Alanis Morrissette, "21 things I want in a lover" from the Album "Under Rug Swept"

Took me a while, but I found the one who met all the criteria and some I hadn't thought of. Until then, this song was my personal mantra. Let it be yours too.
Lesley

Lordy, Amen squared to all that. Some days it's just not possible to get up the energy to even contemplate the idea of starting again. And yet, under the right circumstances, starting again is so much fun. And my parents are like that (antsy to see each other). It's magnificent. :)

Also, having someone spontaneously start kissing your lower back while you're ordering pizza is also not a bad thing to occur on a date...

Ruth -- by not in love that long I meant that the sight of him no longer makes me pant like, well, like I'm panting. I still don't know anyone else I'd rather ride to work with, or have dinner with, or wake up next to. And in all these years I've never met anyone else I could imagine living with.

Laurie -- I'm glad you liked my little story. (It felt like some weird kind of infidelity. At least I didn't knit while he was driving.) I liked Liz's, especially since living alone with four (or five) cats has its moments of appealing to me too. Your day will come! He is out there somewhere, right now, buying Christmas lights.

This is a horrible thing that I did but, you have to understand, I was dating and not married, I had been in the worst relationship possible. I had a list of 7 men I was dating with everything that they had told me about themselves next to their names on the list. I was talking to one of them on the phone and asked how his sister was doing. I hear a pause and realized something was wrong, it turns out that as he was droning on, I had managed to lose my place in the list and I looked at the man's name below his name. He tells me he doesn't have a sister and wanted to know who in the hell I was talking to other than him. Needless to say, he and I never went on another date. I realized at that point that 7 men were just too much to date at one time. I thought I would be clever and have a date for each night of the week. Don't even try it, too confusing!
I am so amazed that my husband even found me. I admit, I put an ad in the paper with all my specifications and he answered it. I was bound and determined to find someone new since I was in, you guessed it, another really bad relationship. I was bound and determined that I wasn't going to date another loser. I used to attract that type and I was really into the bad boys. I married a geek and I haven't looked back. I do tell him some of my stories of dating hell and he just laughs. I could write a book about some of them.
This is what I was always told, if you are looking, you will never find the right one, when you give up and are really disgusted, the right one will find you.

This was fabulous!!!!
Years ago (in California) a friend of mine & I decided to craft a "Relationship Application" like a job application. We had a good time figuring it out, based on very detailed job application....Still a damn good idea :)
Love your site....

Here's something I've learned... watch not only how a man treats his mother, but how his father treats her, as well.

It is good to have a list and stick to it AND know when to break it!

Sometimes I think we women are too accepting (or the other extreme is too rigid, blowing off a wonderful guy cause he doesn't drive the right car or something). I realized that I was too open when I was online dating and got an email from a guy who was into some sort of alien religion (not scientology, even weirder). I actually wrote back to him something like "that sounds interesting if a little out there." What??? Yeah interesting in a "this is a great story to tell my girlfriends, but OK ba bye" kinda way.

I know you'll have more of those small-of-the-back moments!

I had a list. Two pages. Typed and double spaced. I checked it often. I met my list and almost scared him off by telling him about his perfect qualifications ON THE SECOND DATE (stupid, stupid, stupid). Somehow his freak-out-o'-meter was not running that day and he actually asked me out for a third date. We're coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary, though even now we both marvel at the fact that he didn't run screaming after that retarded move. So many cringe-worthy moments, so little time...

I had a list. Two pages. Typed and double spaced. I checked it often. I met my list and almost scared him off by telling him about his perfect qualifications ON THE SECOND DATE (stupid, stupid, stupid). Somehow his freak-out-o'-meter was not running that day and he actually asked me out for a third date. We're coming up on our tenth wedding anniversary, though even now we both marvel at the fact that he didn't run screaming after that retarded move. So many cringe-worthy moments, so little time...

Now, I haven't lived in LA for going on 16 years now, but when I did, and/or would visit more frequently, the best place to meet people of all ages/sizes/creeds, was a bookstore in Pasadena. I can't remember the name anymore but it was the one closest to Fair Oaks and Colorado.

Even if it was for some intelligent conversation and a coffee for the afternoon...I think my list includes something about books and reading.

Hey CAP.. since you seem to be inside my head and speaking the very same words my head is speaking to me.. can ya just share that list with me when you're done..

I have a headache.. it's all just too overwhelming to think about.

And I'm scared.

That. was. perfect. Thanks for saying what I've been meaning to say...but couldn't.

I have been lurking for a while, our lives seem to parallel a lot. Sometimes when I read, you make me laugh so hard that I cry...and sometimes you make me cry so hard that I laugh. I am not sure which this post was. Hang on there, we will make it through!