Ah, what we women will do to avoid the VPL!

And, just so you know, I have uttered the EXACT same words "His face is too small for his head"! :)

LOL! I just did that yesterday. And, yes, I made the wildly inappropriate remark ;-)

I am willing to bet that your coworkers love you as much as we do and would be VERY disappointed if you did not talk about your thong panty or batteries, or.....we'll be expecting a full report.

Good luck with your holiday party. Ours was last Saturday night and included a lively discussion about clitorises. Yes, I'm serious. So if nothing else, take comfort that you are not alone with the embarrassing talk.

Good luck with your holiday party. Ours was last Saturday night and included a lively discussion about clitorises. Yes, I'm serious. So if nothing else, take comfort that you are not alone with the embarrassing talk.

ok, so now I have to wipe all the coke off my monitor -- too funny! And I don't see anything wrong with putting 16 inch spikes on your Jeep.

See, every time I read your blog I crack up and then think "That girl should move to Alaska!" Except for the missing your job thing, you'd fit right in - and by the way, I think the 16" spike thing is a really good idea. You should patent it.

Frankly, I don't find any of your party chatter appalling. In fact, I think you're funny (and fun) enough be the life of the party. Of course, that's probably a dubious honor at an office party. Have fun, anyway -- life is short!

It's tough being a chick (but the alternative is unthinkable). My work holidaze party is today, too, although I've got VPL. Bas a la thong! (grrrr) Load up on your fark.com-isms and good luck with the small talk!

You could always talk about the butt-painting art teacher (from here in Richmond, of course) and whether or not he should be fired. He also paints with another part of his anatomy that is VERY close to his, uh, butt.

It's embarassing, I know. But at least it's not about you and thongs (or batteries.)

Just an idea.

Thank goodness I'm old and don't own one pair of "string" underwear and I also threw away all of my "semi-uncomfortable" shoes.

Enjoy while you are young and have a great time!

Again.

I love you.

How about going to a Christmas Party with your new husband and he gets belligerent and drunk and ARRESTED....let's talk embarrassing!

It's tough being a chick (but the alternative is unthinkable). My work holidaze party is today, too, although I've got VPL. Bas a la thong! (grrrr) Load up on your fark.com-isms and good luck with the small talk!

You could talk about the butt-painting art teacher (from here in Richmond, of course!) and whether or not he should be fired for his extra-curricular activities. He also uses another part of his anatomy to paint with (that is thisclose to his, uh, butt).

I know that it's an embarrassing topic as well but at least it's not about thongs, batteries or weight.

Just an idea. Have a fun party!!

Now I am embarrassed. Sorry for the double post. Damn internets.

PORN PORN PORN

Say it now and get it out of you system.

My sister says according to the charts, she is the appropriate height and weight for a medium man.

At my work holiday party this year, I'm going to bring up porn at least once...just for you.

What is wrong with saying that about putting spikes on your Jeep? Actually, I think that's a pretty darned good idea!

I'm sure that your co-workers think you're as wonderful as we do! C'mon! We read about your underwear and we still love you...how could they not?

What is wrong with saying that about putting spikes on your Jeep? Actually, I think that's a pretty darned good idea!

I'm sure that your co-workers think you're as wonderful as we do! C'mon! We read about your underwear and we still love you...how could they not?

Our lunch is tomorrow and I'm not coming back to work so I will have a beer with the boys. I just hope another woman shows up. Lunch with engineers. Oh Boy (literally).

I love the idea of putting spikes on the back of your jeep. I say run with it girlfriend.

You never cease to crack me up. I personally am not in the spirit this year and anxiously await 12/26.

I am also proud to say that I have not donned a pair of pantyhose in 7 YEARS, and will never again do so in this lifetime. I refuse to endure any more torture. Have a nice lunch!

Years ago at my father-in-law's office holiday party, a woman was showing off the fur coat she had bought for herself. As the party wore on she got drunker and drunker, until she yelled out "it would just be PERFECT if I had someone to FUCK while I'm lying on top of it (the coat)!

Of course she was mortified the next day when she had to show her face at work.

Our lunch is tomorrow and I'm not coming back to work so I will have a beer with the boys. I just hope another woman shows up. Lunch with engineers. Oh Boy (literally).

Holiday parties at work. Ugh.

I've posted on my blog what would make a Holiday party SUPER interesting!

http://rosi-g.com/soapyknitter/?p=380

I figure if someone is looking at where my pantyline is, they get what they deserve. If they are turned to stone by VPL, that's okay by me.

So funny I didn't see anything wrong with you sample remarks.lol.

Yes, well, I work at a VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY conservative place. Did I mention REALLY VERY conservative? Business formal at all times. So my remarks and general tomfoolery may be amusing to you, but EXTRAORDINARILY VERY FORMAL (but nice, very nice) businessmen do not always find me so amusing. To them, I hail from Planet Freakazoid.

Dear Laurie,
Please come to my office holiday party. All my co-workers can talk about at parties is Derivatives. As I'm not even sure what a derivative IS, I need someone besides myself around to make inappropriate comments about bunched up lace and Nike-Air heels and giggle while the Co-works look on unamused.

Because we will be the only people at the party drinking something other than Perrier, I can promise to provide plenty of wine (of dubious vintage, unfortunately).

Please bring reinforcements.

I'm laughing so hard that I swear my cube neighor thinks I cracked open a bottle.
Thanks again for making my day.

speaking of Alaska.... you drive a jeep. Just pretend like you have just bought long poles at the Home Depots and stick them out the back window. you just have to tie a red flag on the end so when some jackalope impales themselves while drinking latte, putting on mascara, and talking on the phone while driving, it will be their fault.

I'm laughing so hard that I swear my cube neighor thinks I cracked open a bottle.
Thanks again for making my day.

Those are all legitimate conversation topics. And like you, I'm also short for my weight, 16 inch spikes on the back of a car for tailgating is the most ingenious idea EVER, and there are many whose faces are too small for their heads (I'm pretty sure they're aliens).

I work in a Urology clinic. NOTHING is sacred. My co-worker was talking about his cat at yesterday's party. Cat has a UTI-stone-bladder problem. Another co-worker asked, "Did you pull his catheter yourself, or take him to the vet?" CW #2 turned to me and said, "Well, he does it to humans all the time."

When all else fails, you can talk about your cats ... usually. [ahem] Just not their catheters.

Laurie, All I can say is if your mom is reading this she should be most proud, since for the formal office party you are A)WEARING underwear and B)they are most likely clean (in case of an accident).

Paris Hilton's mom wishes you were her daughter.

Speaking of saying innappropriate things in public, I managed to say this at a recent knitting retreat.

"Well, the new boy came over, and we watched the Christmas Penis special."

I was _trying_ to say Christmas Peanuts Special, but something went very wrong in my head. Very Very Wrong.

I want to hear about the land-walking cannibalistic fish.

CHRISTMAS party!!!

With that out of the way, I have to say that you are the funniest person I know. Love you, Laurie!!!

laurie,

I am eating lunch at my desk while rading your blog...LET ME WARN EVERYONE!!!!! THAT IS NOT A SAFE THING TO DO, MY CO-WORKER THOUGHT SHE WOULD HAVE TO DO THE HEMLICH....I laughed so hard..I choked on my rice!!!!!!!

u r hillarious and the comments are funny as hell too!!! ur mom should be proud!! rock on!!!!

Laurie, I love your blog. I think we were seperated at birth.
Just to let you know, there is this amazing new underwear product called "Assets" (ha!) made by the same woman who makes Spanx. They run for about $15 at Target. I bought the underwear shorts (which are basically like the tops of control-top hose) to have something to wear under dresses when I went to Vegas (chafing!), but they work really well under pants.

ladies, I have one word for you that will banish both thong and vpl from your life: spanx.
http://www.spanx.com/
They rule.

Too funny! I'm with you on the crazy things that come out of your mouth. I met a guy at a party who told me he worked at the school for the blind and I asked him if you have to know sign language for that. Clearly I'm a genius.

Just be glad you have a huggable butt.

I recently announced that his face is too small for his head - about Tom Hanks, whom I adore, by the way. I didn't mean it as an insult, though it sounded like one - it was just an observation. I heart Tom Hanks. With his tiny, tiny face.

Oh! And you made the right call on pantyhose vs. thong. Pantyhose is evil incarnate. (Or is that "Pantyhose ARE evil incarnate"? Is "pantyhose" singular or plural?)

OMG. I said "huggable butt" online. For whatever consolation it may be, I am worse than you.

Laurie -
you are the funniest blogger ever! I check your page more then once a day to see if these is anything new.
If you ever go on vacation, please give all your loyal readers a heads-up! We'll have withdrawals (aren't we pitiful!)
Hope you enjoyed the party

Ok couple things:

a. If you wear control top hose, you can wear gramma panties. I do it all the time and I'm young. Sounds like Karen's recommendation of "Assets" would be an awesome alternative. Must get to Target asap.

b. I have ended evenings at office parties discussing anything from how I like "it" to the fact that I want to do "it" with [insert hot coworker's name here] if he wasn't married (bonus points if I say it to his face)

c. At least you're not like our receptionist who has done so much blow (or crank or meth or pixie sticks) that she randomly says obnoxious sexual innuendo (in YOUR endo!) while sober. I can't wait to see her with a few drinks in her stripper heels at our party tomorrow.

Love ya Laurie!
Have a great Christmas!! Kisses to the furry ones!

XO

I have found Frederick's of Hollywood thongs (the low rise ones) to be far less "intrusive" than VS. Just sayin'

I, too, am too short for my weight. I think I need to be about 6'2" to balance it all out. But personally I love the holidays - not for the cringeworthy office parties, or the uncomfortable reunions with relatives....no, I'm excited about the eggnog. Made with lots of cream, eggs, freshly grated nutmeg, and spiked with a spiced bourbon-brandy-rum combo.

Bring on the nog, and full steam ahead till Jan. 1!

P.S.: I also fully support the 16" Jeep bumper spikes. When you develop a retail version, please let me know....drivers in my neck of the woods are getting a little clingy, IMHO.

Love the way you rhymed appear and rear. Ha!

Hey, I am glad I finally found you! Another inhabitant of Planet Freakazoid! Too funny!!!

As a new reader, I am in instant blog love with you!

No one told me about our christmas party last friday (im a temp), so i looked like crap, ended up sitting next to the managing director who i had never met before (that happened at last years party too - i seem to be a manager magnet) and i drank almost a full bottle of wine because... well it was free, and i didnt have to drive anywhere. Thank g*d i had to leave before the music started...

so.... why cant you put 16in spikes on the back of your Jeep?

We have a client party as well as an employees only party. A couple of years ago, one of the new employess thought he was at the employee only party, and... well. I believe we lost a client or two.

But the stuff he said is still funny. Maybe it was worth it.

DUDE! My holiday party is today too and to avoid VPL I wore boy cut undies (still sexy because they're lace you see). I have ALWAYS done dumb crap at my holiday parties. Once I hooked with my very 54 yr old boss. Another time I puked (but luckily after the party). Yet a third time I asked my co-worked the question on all of our minds..."do you like girls or boys?"

so you see, it could be much worse. God I need to not drink a lot tonight :)

Thank you for another CAP classic! And just what exactly is wrong with your witty observations? They are just a different way of looking at things. Viva la Laurie!

omg.

i totally *needed* that laugh.

my company bypasses potential pitfalls with a booze free luncheon. which is probably best for so many people.

*note to self* do NOT read this blog with a mouth full of soda OR when suffering from ...well...lets just say a tummy ache *sheepish grin*. OMG you guys are making me laugh so hard I have to pee LOL...oh and yeah, I so get the embarressing chatter at inappropriate times, I prefer to call is "Stupidity Tourettets"

Please write about your batteries! I'd dig learning about other ladies' favorite battery operated devices!

On another note, I've finally posted a picture of my Christmas Dead Bush... check my blog. (and scroll down through my bad day ramblings...)

The fur coat comment!

Jonathan Winters, Robin Williams, and YOU are brilliant comedians whose way of looking at the world is a gift of genius. It's clear to me that turning that natural skill of wit and wondering into a money-making performance is your next step.

This line is priceless and is now stuck in my mind as so much BETTER than the original: "and what to my wondering eyes should appear but some visible panty lines right on my rear."

Sorry to break it to all of you, but there is such a thing as "visible thong line" and it's not pretty. I've observed that the thong lifts and separates the butt, which shows off two nice bulbous fat things flapping each other in back and allows the world to enjoy a teeny triangle to top it all off. Not to mention the dimples and cellulite. I would much rather have nice smooth panty lines and a thin extra layer of fabric between peoples' posterior and the outside world.

darcidoodle

Wins the quote of the year -- my year, anyway -- derby.

"It's tough being a chick (but the alternative is unthinkable).

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hee!Hee! on the appropriate underwear. I went to the store on lunch to buy just that for my holiday party!

I LUV'd 'wondering eyes should appear...tee hee hee. I laughed out loud. Thank goodness there is a paucity of engineers today. Your blog is just tops. Ah well...have fun at the party.

On the thong topic --
I have never put one on. Why? Not sure. I do have a question though. Does anyone else think that PANTY LINERS for thongs is weird? When it's your time-o-the-month, and you are prone to possible leakage, can't you forego thong-wearing? :| Please help me understand.

I'm with Gwyndolyn - I work in an HIV clinic. Absolutely anything - really, anything goes. I wish I could give examples, but this is a family friendly blog.

At least you didn't choose to go commando. Imagine the thoughts running through your head if you'd have done that???
Save that for another party.
:)

I used to work in a clinical laboratory. More recently, I do healthcare I.T. consulting, and was out with a few colleagues at a pub one night after work when we were swapping stories of the grossest thing we'd ever seen in a hospital. I won't share here the story I told them, but it was pretty darn disgusting. A few weeks later, at a big formal dinner with lots of V.P.'s in suits, I was mortified when the idiot PM said, in front of everyone, "Hey, Mary, tell that story you were telling us at the pub the other night...". It was highly inappropriate, so I refused. Good thing I don't drink at those formal things, I guess....

Perhaps listening to Leroy the Redneck Reindeer would put you in more of a holiday mood? Just a suggestion:

http://www.rienzihills.com/ChristmasSing
/leroytheredneckreindeer.htm

The Innernets are something else sometimes. "Mix jingle bells with a rebel yell" ... snicker.

eww. We had our lunch yesterday. I tried to pass, but my boss talked me in to it.
The underwear thing? Must be an LA thong - I mean thing. :-D
oh, ps- I waited for anyone else to order wine, beer, anything - and they did not. Oh well.

I can't believe you didn't even mention porn. You know it's a bad idea to keep the talking-about-porn bottled up inside; it's likely to pop out like a champagne cork right there at the buffet table.

And, I'm sure I'm by no means the first to say this to you but girl, y'all should be writing a book. Really.

Indeed...first-time poster here, what a hilarious blog! I can see that happening to me *all* too well. No reason to be nervous around your coworkers right? :)

And you never mentioned the title's reference to duct tape in your post..?

Pretty funny Laurie! I know how you feel, I am a "blurter" also. I work in a fairly conservative office (thank God it is casual dress) but oh my, sometimes the things I say shock "the Ladies" I work with. I bet you are adored by all the buckled down people you work with. They wish they could be a little more like you...

If it's any consolation I went to the gym and worked out today - with my shirt on inside out!
Have a good one.

If you don't embarrass yourself at an office party, you're not doing it right!

Coworker R: I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow, we're going to the Virgin Islands.

Me: Oh, are you so excited to lay on a beach and have a man in little red bikini pants bring you drinks with umbrellas in them?

Coworker R: ...huh?

Other Coworkers: (silence)

Me: Uh, am I the only one that has that fantasy?

My Boss: So, you heard Alan Iverson is going to the Miami Heat next year?

Laurie, when you said conservative, you meant conservative. No one in my office would even notice that one. OK, if I said it they would, since for some odd reason I give people who don't know me well the impression of being normal and somewhat uptight. (Well, that depends on the context, I guess: remind me to tell you my nudist-resort story sometime.)

I wonder what Alan Iverson would look like in little red bikini pants...

See? This is what I love about working for a manufacturing facility...NOTHING is off-topic. But since we've been having our Christmas parties in the middle of the work day, the alcohol-related Stupidity Tourettes has been at a minimum. Still, I think I'll bring up the thong pantiliners at tomorrow's festivities..that's gotta be good for a few minutes of talk. Among 6 women and 55 men.
Me: "Thong pantiliners? Why? Talk amongst yourselves."

hey -- at least some of you work where they have fun parties. where i work, the bosses serve some kind of trucked-in lunch and then everyone goes back to the salt mines.

as for thongs, i always think of janet evanovich's character stephanie plum saying something to the effect of thong underwear's great . . . if you like flossing your butt.

I went to the Virgin Islands last summer and had cabana boys bring me drinks with umbrellas and fruit in them. They weren't red bikini pants though. More's the pity.

I agree about the pantyhose, as soon as they invented casual day at work, I shorted Sara Lee stock because I knew that if women had a choice, they would not choose to wear pantyhose! note: Sara Lee owns Leggs pantyhose.

Laurie,

That is so my fantasy too - and I would have gotten it and laughed! You are not alone. Co-R is just obviously very boring and unimaginative...

:)

I hate small talk at parties! Especially parties that are for my husbands work where I don't know anyone.

Kristin, thanks for thwe cat sex change explanation, I was imagining the strangest things. I hope your kitty is doing better now.

I guess I'm just different like that. I don't mind having VPL. Because then folks know that I'm wearing something underneath. This perhaps has something to do with meeting too many women who went au natural in my partying days. And let me tell you, there is not enough alcohol in the world to erase the sight of a drunken woman wearing a white lycra mini with nothing on underneath. Especially when you are later enlisted to get the ho out of your friend's bed because his roommate was doing her there and you have to re-dress said ho. Then you end up with gems like, "Ummm. I don't know how to ask this, but when you arrived here did you have any underwear? Because I can't seem to find any..."

Love, love, love your posts! Especially posts that feature cats and/or bad dates (I've had plenty of both). I'm heading out to our office holiday party right now! We are an incredibly inappropriate bunch and have already started drinking in the office, so I'm sure there will be stories to go along with our hangovers. And, I concur with you regarding the struggle with pantyhose and thongs (I've opted for the latter tonight...). Hope your party was fun. =)

Oh man, my Holiday Party is tomorrow and it's always a random gift exchange. Last year I went all crafty (as is my nature) and much to my dismay it wasn't at all appreciated. This year I bought a random boring gift that will probably go over like gangbusters. Ugh.

And the thong pantyliners always creeped me out too. But not as much as the BLACK ones where the ads specifically market them as being less visible through your cute lacy underwear. As in, hey- let's get undressed and let cute boys see my cute black underwear but wouldn't it be embarassing if they could see the panty liner I am wearing right now? Umm... what?

oh my god, ok. i have been lurking on your blog for well over a year now (ok, maybe well over that, but whatever), and i can't believe that this is the day/subject that I actually can't NOT comment on. i, thong-loving, thong-obsessed, thong-wearer-till-they-rip-them-from-my-rigormortissed-butt-cheeks, gal, feel it is my right as a woman to tell you this: you must get the *correct* thong. i so want to be able to paste a little hand-drawn-in-paint crappy pic in here, but alas (i even tried to find a style # on mine, but there isn't one); you'll have to take my poor description for what it's worth: you must get the kind with the little triange in the back, and then just a thin bit that goes, well, um, you know. don't get the kind that have a big, fat back strap. it's not going anywhere, and i know it's tempting cuz you think, coverage, i need coverage! but you'll hate 'em, and you'll think all of the thongs evil and hurty. try DKNY, and tell the skinny, pretty, nice lady at nordstrom who you wanna hate but can't cuz she's so nice that you want the kind with the little triangle and the thin strap. she'll hook you up, and you'll never go back. she might try to tempt you with the hankie pankie, btw, but don't take the bait. they're good, but advanced. wait 6 months, then go hankie.
good luck.
--dawn from seattle (obsessive knitter and reader of your blog)
p.s.
i just bought the SUPER CUTE magpie T and it came today and i'm wearing it right now. LOVE it.

Only 16" spikes on the back of your Jeep?

Damn, girl, I wish I had me some of those when that uninsured stripper rear-ended my VW Golf. I wish I'd had big, honking Dark-Ages Visigoth spikes.

See the November 21 post on my blog (www.mambocats.blogspot.com) for full details.

I work in the animal sheltering business. Nothing is sacred. We talk about POOP at Christmas parties.

Dez

HAH!! you are a TRIP!! LOL!!!

I have sent you something in the mail that you probably won't want to let sit in the mailbox too long. It should arrive in the next few days, I would think since it's only coming from San Diego.

Laurie, Darlin'
I avoid alcohol LIKE. THE. PLAGUE. Because it DOES just that to me!! Oy. And oh- the only comfy thong is one you buy a size too big. And butt-floss avoiders of the world- Check it out- and thongs are actually BAD for you! My medical encyclopedia actually has a NEW syndrome called "Dancers bottom" - VERY discreetly described as "a dermatological condition where abcess occurs between the buttocks due to chafing from overly tight dance wear"--OMFG! What they REALLY mean is "Because women are wearing Victoria's Secret products wedged up WAAAAY too tight where the sun don't shine, they're getting ZITS in uncomfy places!" (Heh- just imagine having to go to your internist for THAT one!).
See? I'm mentioning this while SOBER- can you just IMAGINE what I'm like likker'd up?

Our xmas do is tomorrow night at a local hotel, got drunk and fell asleep last year, everyone on our table was driving 'cept us. Don't think I said anything I'd regret! One of the lads was wearing a kilt and got into bother with his wife for flashing people!

Seem to remember we talked about childbirth last year as two on our table were pregnant. Let the blokes squirm, girl, be yourself!

So, what's the deal with the batteries?

LOL I sense a "Night Before Christmas" re-write coming on!

I watched The Knitty Gritty on HGTV yesterday for the first time and thought of you - ever see that show? You should at least come on as a guest star or something, I mean really!

And pantyhose were invented by men. Nuff said.

Yep. I have my company holiday party next Friday. I too suffer from the disorder of "iam nervousinsocial/businesssituationssoisaydumbthingsthatithinkarefunny" Can't wait to see what I come up with. (Although last year it was the #1 head of the company who made the crack joke, so perhaps i am okay!)

You could always go without any...there will be no lines and nothing hiding where it shouldn't be hiding.

You definitely made the right decision, although I don't think I could ever force myself to wear a thong. Lord knows I've tried.

Last night I went to our Christmas party and got all crazy and decided to wear a skirt - with pantyhose. It took me almost 10 minutes to put those damned pantyhose on. For a minute there, I wasn't sure it was going to work out. It was traumatic. Clearly, you were smarter than I was!!

Hilarious! I went through the exact same thing this morning with my outfit - to a T! Love your blog!

Thank God you're wearing pants -- with the party-appropriate undergarments, you may have found yourself atop a copier!

"...and what to my wondering eyes should appear but some visible panty lines right on my rear."

Why, oh why, do I read your blog while I'm at work?! Speaking of un-feminine, I'm going to go out on a limb here at say that snorting at your desk also falls into that category.

Laurie -

I'm a little concerned that all of your embarrassing comment examples involved spatial issues. Perhaps you have an undiagnosed perspective disporder? Then again, I have a minor pinhead phobia, which is why sitting in the front row at the movies and watching "Casino Royale" has given me an unhealthy fear of Daniel Craig.

Yours in skewed perspective -
V

No, no, no. There is never a reason to resort to the actual pantyhose. NEVER! Also, you are a graphic artist, as am I. Ass-pect ratio. Case closed.

No company luncheon or anything at my work, but the husband's holiday party was a gas. It is a rock radio station. Inappropriate was the name of the game. In fact, my husband was in charge of the company video this year (they do one every year) and even though it was relatively mild by office standards, it was racy enough that the production company who edited it, refused to work on some parts of it. Nice, huh?

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Regarding the guy whose face is to small for his head: is his name Dave? Because I swear, he sits down the hall from me.