I am making a penguin themed gift basket for one of my friends for xmas this year. I have a box to send to you and the kitties. But the line at the Post Office scares me. I am determined to get it off to you before Xmas though.

Love Ya - Whine away,
C

Hugs, Laurie! You've become such a strong person. I hope you have a happy Christmas and find someone worthy of your hugs in the new year!

I heart you Crystal :) Come visit me. I have penguins!

Thank you Melissa :)

Maybe I will write up the story of how the last fellow I dated turned out to be a serial murderer. Ok, maybe not a serial MURDERER but definitely a jerk. heh. Because I am beginning to wonder if hugging will ever come back into my life. Or if I will maybe end up being one of those weirdoes who everyone thought was real nice until she started thinking she was able to communicate to animals with her mind or something. We'll see. Should make for some funny jokes if it does happen, I guess.

If the timing in all other areas in your life isn't perfect, you've picked a good year to go pro-penguin...they're everywhere! I notice because I love puffins, specifically the Atlantic Puffin, which look close enough to penguins from afar that my heart gets all fluttery, but alas, no puffin.

Yes. Exactly. "But ... hello. Universe? I am kind of tired of lessons. I would like some hugging now. Thank you." is exactly how I am feeling right now. Thanks.

And your tree is lovely.

For a long time I didn't even want hugs or to see people. That time has passed and I'm on my 5th christmas without someone. I am ready to share again but haven't found the special him yet so it's a little depressing. But I'd rather be in this place than that other place.

penguins are way cool. and so are you. you're such an excellent writer! you!

internet hugs (from a girl).

I've been learning a lot of "lessons" recently, and I've kind of had it with them. When you decide to end a decent but not quite right relationship after 4.5 years, people have a lot of commentary. At this point, I'm like, "You know what? I am FINE, damnit! And even if I wasn't, I refuse to feel guilty about it!".

Yeah life lessons bite.
Didn't we have enough lessons in school?
Lovely, lovely tree.
There should be a national be kind to the penguin day.
They are so cute and cuddly!
:)

I think it's okay to just feel bad and not learn any stupid lessons from it.

My parents always used to tell me "life isn't fair" when I was a kid. It's a pretty crappy motto, I have to say.

I think we all deserved to be loved, in whatever way we want to be. I hope next year finds you with the relationship that you want that makes you feel fulfilled inside.

Okay, so I haven't read the whole post yet, but had to comment on how much your tree looks like mine! (Photo posted on my blog 2 days ago.) You even included the extreme close up shot (I love that!), but your photos came out better than mine. Okay, off to read the rest of the post.

When I read these type of posts by you I fantasize hard about getting some eggs and driving past certain houses and doing juvenile things like messing up the yards of certain people and stuff. Because I know that's probably what I would do in this situation. So I guess I don't have any good adult advice to give you. All I can say is I hope you get through the holidays in the happiest way you can.

Hang in there Honey! It's ok to have a hard time. It sucks, but it's better to roll with it than try to cover it up in 'I should be gratefuls' and 'my life isn't so bads'. Just because you have it better than someone living under a bridge doesn't mean your sadness isn't valid, too. I hate it when people say not to be unhappy because someone else has things harder. Someone else will always have it harder. It doesn't make your pain less real!

I'm sorry you are lonely; I think everyone here is pulling for you and wants you to be happy. You bring a lot of joy to the rest of us. I just wish there was a decent guy there for you. Maybe you need to make an expedition back to Texas to find a southern gentleman you can expatriate out to Los Angeles :)

I am so glad I have read your blog. I am right now where you were a year ago and it is wonderful to see that it does get better. But what I wouldn't give to be "free to contemplate my navel without any distractions whatsoever" seeing as how there are 3 children in the house with me all of the time. No distractions here!!!

Proud of your progress, and happy to see the all new Christmas Tree.

Aw. I know that internet hugs are so not what you were talking about when you said you want hugs, but here ((((((((HUGS!))))))))

Hang in there, Laurie. I've been through this, too. My first Chirstmas alone, I had my best friend stay over because I couldn't stand the thought of being the only one there to put gifts under the tree and then hand them out the next morning. Holidays make hard times tough.

But, you're way strong. And you'll be just fine. You'll find someone to give you all the hugs you want, but take your time -- you wouldn't want hugs but from someone who makes you miserable!

Oh, and P.S. Your tree is lovely!

This will be my fourth Christmas "alone." And ditto on EVERYTHING you said. Yup, strong, come a long way, better off, all that. Got it. But really, can't we please move on with the hugging and such? And how come he got to?

Honey I've sooo been there. My worst Christmas ever was the one about a year after my divorce, where I spent the holiday by myself with a box from UPS containing brightly wrapped presents from my family in another state. It felt so lonely. But, for the first time in more than 10 years I finally have someone I'm crazy about who thinks I'm the bees knees. Maybe all the lonely holidays just made me more ready to appreciate all the wonderfullness that is this. My Christmas wish to you is that someday you'll have another holiday season full of giddy happiness with a real live man. Until then, enjoy not having to decide how to split the holiday season and spend it all with your family - two and four-legged!

Ugh. I'm in exactly the same place you are. It sucks down here. But it is nice (sick of me, isn't it?) to have company. I found your blog about a month ago while I was looking for a knitting recipe and have been looking at it every day since. Thanks for becoming of my main ways of procrastinating.
Jess

Don't you wish the life lessons would stop. We get it! Life isn't fair. Stop it with the lessons already!

What? Oh, yeah, it's lunch and I'm sitting here reading your blog and knitting a scarf for someone I am no long in love with. I just love being female.

*hugs Auntie*

Okay, finished the post. You have come a long way Laurie, and you're doing great! But Christmasses alone can always be a little bittersweet. And I think the holidays (except for last year, when I was in a relationship) have always made me feel rather alone, even though I'm surrounded by loved ones. There is just so much stress on the couple-ness thing and the commercials, etc, do not help.

But, we single girls can still have plenty of fun and whatnot on our own (or with our respective families). And it's okay to be melancholy here and there when you feel the pain and frustration popping up again.

Enjoy your puffy happy penguins! They should make everyone smile!

penguins are so sensitive to my needs

Penguins! Brilliant! Will hoist a glass to you at the wine hour...which could be early since it's my day off and I am cleaning like I am possessed. Mom is coming iMonday. Lovely tree....

Wow, has it been a year? It flew by. Probably didn't feel that way to you, though.

So nice to see a decorated Christmas tree. It's been years since I put one up.

Love penguins. Hate jerky guys. A curse upon them.

In my dream last night some hunk and I were giving each other wanting looks and then he hugged me from behind and we started kissing. It was more than I've had in quite a few years and it felt so good. Then I woke up to find I had overslept and hour. Damn daylight.

Your tree is beautiful! I put up a small tree, the kind with the fiber optic lights. It isn't much but it is festive. I thought I was feeling better this year but the blues returned and it is real hard to get into the spirit of things. If it wasn't for my boys pushing me, I don't know how I would survive the holidays.

{{{HUGS}}}

You can complain and whine to me any time you want! Seriously. Type it all up and send it to me in an e-mail. Sometimes venting really does help. I'm so sorry about the sad anniversary.

Your tree is gorgeous! Are the cats upset about the new penguin love? Do your cats enjoy climbing into the tree like mine do?? One of them does it every year and knocks it down with a satisfying crash. I think they takes turns choosing who gets to do it each year. I have 6 cats; since it takes a few years before they each get another chance they make sure their year counts!!!

The penguins are a cute touch! They used to be my class mascots (my h.s. let each class pick its own colors/mascot in addition to the official school colors/mascot). We were a tuxedoed, black-and-white blur for four years. Ack.

Your tree is muy cute, but I have penguin issues.

Merry Xmas!

Just don't fall into a wrong sort of something with the wrong sort of man, that's even worse. I've been divorced 3 times (Young Love, Disastrous Rebound & Taurus, Bad Choice for a Leo)and must say I enjoy every bit of my solitude, except for the occasional 4 pm-on-Sunday-blues fits. Thank god for wine, knitting, books and cats. Keep moving in a forward direction as much as possible and you'll get through this--I know, I've been there myself. And I LOVE your blog, the first and only one I've ever read.

the tree is beautiful!! you are doing better than me as I finally did buy a tree ($9.98 on sale). now just have to finish unpacking enough boxes off the f-ing table to make room to put it up. Much love will be coming your way soon :)

Oh my god, hang in there girl! I know everyone says this to you, but it is so so so so true--there is a fantastic guy out there for you, someone who is worthy of your wonderfulness. And he'll find you when you least expect it. I promise!

Your aquarium analogy is spot on. You just nailed it. You are so wise and right about so many things that I have to believe you won't have to spend too many more holidays counting backwards to where you used to be. Fat load of good that does this year, right? Just swear that you won't become Crazy Penguin-Collecting Aunt Purl, ok?

Your post has me singing "The Facts of Life" theme song. Now it is going to be stuck in my head all day.

Your Christmas tree is beautiful. And even if you have only one good day out 20, at least you've got that.

Suddenly I feel like knitting tiny little scarves for your ornaments.

I didn't think I'd have any crying fits decorating my tree, because the ex-fiance was always a lump during it. So, there I was, happily decorating with the nice new friendly guy, who is proactively helpful with the hooks when I found the...

Engagement Pig Oranament.

I bought it on our engagement trip to the Grand Canyon, and I said at the time that I'd hang it every year to remember our engagement trip.

I swear, I burst out crying and the new guy ended up holding me while trying to find Engagement Pig Solutions, which included:

1. Him rewrapping it so I'd stop crying. (I told him no, it wasn't the pig's fault and he deserved to be on the tree.)
2. He'd repaint the pig so that I'd stop crying. (I told him no, he's not a Native American, and the engagement pig was painted Officially by a Native American.)
3. He'd hang the engagement pig in the very back where I'd only find it if I looked for it.

That worked. And I'd rather have the new guy and a Grand Canyon Pig than the Old Guy and an Engagement Pig.

There you go again, mirroring stuff in my own brain and heart. I'm a penguin too, and always have been. Right now, I'm back & forth between believing all that beautiful stuff is still possible and the opposite, that it's all just an ethereal illusion and pipe dream for me and that I'd best get on with the business of accepting that & live whatever life is available to me. As for the holidays, those two parts of me are battling: Warm Fuzzy Holiday With All The Trimmings versus Tequila Christmas. Don't know which one will prevail, but I'm gonna keep knitting and feeling up the stash in case sanity is still possible. Thinking of you and hoping for peace and love for all of us who need and want it.

engagement pig!

*snort*

i still have a 'relationship' llama. glad the guy is gone.

Hon, please tell me you listen to Dirdre Flint. You remind me of her. She's got some great songs...

Good for you, and cute Christmas tree. It looks perfect. :)

Personally, given your bad day, I still think you are doing great. Here's a fact: true love is worth waiting for and you will find true love. As opposed to some little dick man who has creativity issues.

hey little penguin girl. i wish i could fix things and give you someone to hug you. i can't help it. it's how i am. if i can't fix it, i feel weird. and of course if people expect me to fix it theni just feel resentful. so i feel weird and resentful A LOT!

anyway, i love your tree. and your penguin. and remember, it's only december 6th...14 more days until my birthday, not your divorce anniversary.

I like your aquarium/thirst analogy, and I really like your tree :-) Penguins are neat animals, and supercute too!
Hope you and the kitties have a good Christmas.

Whine away. It ain't fair, and it ain't right, and contrary to everything you ever heard on {talk show of choice here}, emotions do not run their course per anybody's schedule. No matter how many years they've spent studying the subject.

And I second the vote on accepting your own sadness. Perspective is all well and good, but gee whiz - our own pain is important too! Even if it isn't the pain of living under a bridge eating worms. Still real. Still hurts. Still IMPORTANT, and worthy of our attention.

You just keep on keepin' on. You're more OK than you feel. That's my expert (ahem) opinion.

I wish I was a penguin. But a penguin with breasts. So all the other boy penguins would like me.

Wonderful tree, Laurie! I wish you a good Christmas. You've come a long way. You've got alot of self-worth and someday some special someone will appreciate it!

Yes it's fine. Sometimes it's really not, but through gritted teeth It's FINE.

Take it from someone who is over 5 years out from where you are now...there will still be moments...but it really will be "fine".

**hugs**

I love the penguin thing! The analogy! The ornaments! Glad you're doing so well, sweetie! *hug*

Alanis *thought* she made a song about it, but really she made a song about coincidences and bad luck, not irony. You, however, know the meaning of the word. I'm sorry. It's hard, especially around the holidays when you're SUPPOSED to be happy and all. I've been there and thankfully, now I'm in a much better place. But I couldn't be here if I hadn't been there. If that makes any sense. *hugs*

I really do love how you word things. I particularly like the aquarium analogy. I'm about to have my 25th Christmas alone. I never dreamed I'd be single all these years later but here I am. My sister is recently divorced (maybe 3 years) and she was crying on my shoulder about how lonely she was and I couldn't help but say "welcome to my world". Didn't mean to steal her pity spotlight but even though I'm laughing and acting like everything is ok those moments of intense loneliness and wishing I had my own special man are there. And holidays are the worst. Oh well...thank you again for being spunky enough to put it out there. I'm too afraid someone will figure out I am lonely. Weird, huh?

You know what? Loss still hurts even if you have a lot of other things to be thankful for. Fortunately, I have friends that understand that grieving a loss is a whole different thing from not appreciating what you do have. Chin up and enjoy your penguin gang!!

Grouse are birds, too. You have a fine feathered theme working. And I love love love the tree-in-an-urn thing, I covet the urn, it is infinitely more elegante and haute Xmas couture than a silly old skirt.
Having someone you love die is not a dissimilar experience to the feelings you described, how you just stop talking about the hurt because really, everyone wants it - and I do, too - to be more like a sitcom with plenty more laughs and only one solemn moment, because who could take 45 Very Special Blossoms in a row? But sometimes we still have to live them because we don't get to direct. And that's why everyone always wants to direct.

There is no timeline for "getting over it". If there was, we'd all be running around like brainless idiots with stupid grins on our faces. You feel things deeply, which is harder when the emotion is sadness, but sooooo good when you are happy. I felt just like you last Xmas, and I got a tiny, little, puppy. The cats have adjusted. I'm just sayin' is all.

Awwwwwwwww I know you hurt and are lonely over Christmas but as I recall, you almost broke your back trying to please Mr. X and when he should have been appreciating the trouble you went to Laurie, he had his eye out for another woman. Maybe the chase is the attraction and though you say he's spending Christmas with his new wife, what if she's breaking her back trying to make his holiday great, and he's feeling like he wants out and has his eye out for another woman. I'd rather be in no relationship than a bad one.

Why don't you plan a party and invite your friends. It will give you something to look forward to and you'll most likely be invited to other people's parties. Let other people enjoy your beautiful little tree in person :)

Perspective. Perspective is a wonderful, yet annoying thing.
My husband and I are celebrating our 4th Christmas together. Last Saturday morning at about 6am we both came downstairs to deal with the dog. I had been down there ahead of him and I'd been gazing at our Christmas tree thinking back on all my lonely Christmases when I longed for someone to share these moments with me. My husband comes down and as we sit looking at the tree I share this tidbit from my heart. Does he respond by drawing me close and whispering in my ear how much he loves our life together? No, not even close. He looks at me and says suspiciously "In four years you've never told me that before." Yes, his nose is out of joint because I have kept this to myself for all this time. And I sit there watching the magical moment disappear.

I will have Alanis stuck in my head for the rest of the day now!

This will be my second Christmas alone now, not that I'm divorced but my last relationship lasted three years (I don't count the recent one that only lasted oh, about 5 minutes) and before that I was in another one so wasn't ever alone for Christmas. I'm spending it with my family in the most beautiful place on earth, the same place we go every year, the same place my ex came with me to but it's a time for making new memories now.

It'll be a good one, I think!

(and where I'm going, there are penguins!!!)

Like so many others, I like the penguin and your aquarium analogy. Thanks for expressing that so well.

I have been there. All you want to do is vent about whatever is awful in your life at the moment. You don't expect someone to fix it - you know that isn't possible, and no one wants to listen. Whenever I do that to my dad, he says "it makes you stronger." I always want to take my apparently new found strength and hit him over the head with it!

Blogs are great for venting! Vent here, we will listen.

First let me say I truly enjoy your blog. I stumbled on it by chance, and I fell in love with your cat photos. It has become part of my daily routine to check for updates. (No pressure!) Anywhooo, after reading today's entry I felt compelled to add a comment, which is this ... I empathize with how you feel. It's ridiculous to think there is a timeline for the emotional (and mental) resolution to the ending of a relationship/marriage. Cut & dried, it's human to want to love and be loved in return. So, if you're feeling sad, well, Hells Bells!, feel sad. If no one gets it, then tell 'em to stick it in their ...

Laurie -
I've been reading your blog for a while now, and I just wanted to comment and say how much I appreciate the things you post. You are so honest about your thoughts and feelings; I find it very refreshing (I'm a high school teacher, and therefore surrounded by b.s. ALL the TIME).

Just hang in there, girl. I'm sorry you had a sucky day, but you shouldn't feel like your grief is supposed to be on some timeline. Just keep being who you are, because who you are is quite wonderful. :)

I hope tomorrow is better (Thursdays usually are for me. Hope it applies in the Valley, too.)

Laurie, the one-year-anniversary of your divorce is when you are ALLOWED - nay, REQUIRED - to feel bad! Wallow in it! Eat a pint of superpremium ice cream out of the carton! Cry your eyes out! It's an anniversary date of a sucky day, and you have every right to feel the way you feel.

So there. And if anyone disagrees, send them to me. I got a baseball bat.

When you feel better, maybe you try Match.com? That's how I met my guy - and he's 100 percent penguin and also reads your blog and keeps saying, "But she's pretty!" - and also thinks Mr. X is a jerk and an idiot.

There are bad and good days, but you are doing all the right things, including finding things like penguin ornaments that will make you happy. To snatch a phrase from one of the Harry Potter books, your Mr. X has the emotional depth of a teaspoon, and you, my dear, are the Ocean.

How do you keep the kitties from wrecking the tree? Mine would be swinging from the branches...

I can see your reflection in the penguin ornament. Love the tree and your perspective. Need some snow...

Hi. My SO of 4 years decided some time last month to move to San Fransisco and not do the long distance thing for the 6 months it will take for me to finish my masters. He left last Thursday (I really need to get one of these blog things, so I can just ramble about this there, instead of using other peoples blogs). Needless to say, I am definitly having a bad day (they are all bad days right now), and am tired of lessons.
Anyway, you are entitled to not be happy today, and to drink lots of wine.

Yes, the Universe can be damn persistent with the life lessons at times...

I have no advice, all I can say is when oh when are you going to publish your book? You are such an incredibly gifted writer. Every day I read your blog and laugh and cry and knit and laugh some more. Then I feel bad because my blog is so lame.

Merry Christmas.

Hi Laurie,
You've hit the nail on the head with your aquarium analogy. All you can really do is pray that you find there is a beer stand in that aquarium! hehe.

I know only too well what you mean when you say you stop telling people how you are, because they expect you to be "over it". There's no time-line on pain or loneliness. Don't beat yourself up over it, just hang in there for the next good day.

Also, where I'm from, "grouse" also means "great". Coincidence? I think not. Grouse away!

rfx1982-- damn, that is COLD. i'm so sorry. hang in there.

laurie--the first year is the hardest. it does get better. reallly it does. i've been divorced for five years and two months and i don't miss the bastard one bit. he had his moments, but he wanted kids and i can't have them (im pro-adoption but i have health issues that would make raising a child --how do i put this? um, insane!). anyway, he wanted kids kids kids!

he still doesn't have kids. his longest relationship was with a woman who was more of a pain in the ass than i was and threatened to kill herself with the knives she bought him. oops. irony? yeah. he's a chef.

and just so you know--men live longer if they marry and women don't. so you are better off!

oooo, sorry =( I've been thru a divorce, and he remarried, and boy, I feel sorry for his wife. Really, I do. But what can you do? Just what you're doing, which is being strong and waiting for it to get easier. Which it will. Have faith and keep being gentle to yourself. Things will come around again for you. They will. Sadly, we can't make these things happen, but must be in a holding pattern until they do. Happy Holidays

I'm all for feeling your feelings and recongizing when things suck, but do not start with the no love in your life! You have lots of love in your life! You have love in your life that in past centuries would have been reserved for royalty and explorers! You have so much love in your life that it might well crash the average server! People who have never met you send you things and pray for your cats!

This is not a "be grateful and count your blessings" message; you have every right to be anything from depressed to mad as hell! But just because the particular flavor of love you're craving isn't there at the moment doesn't mean you're thirsting in the desert.

OK, end of rant. Sorry about that. Phew. Carry on.

Anniversaries of any sort just suck ass but one day you'll wake up and realize that your divorce anniversary was last week and you totally forgot about it! It'll happen... Penguins rock.

Auntie,
I think I have suggested this before, but I will say it again. Please go listen to Jackson Browne sing, "Only Child". This song has always made anything I'm going through more bearable.

And if that doesn't make you feel any better, I live in So Cal, and I can always join you in the throwing of eggs or what ever it will take to make your holiday season bright!

LOL so much - oh thank you, thank you! I really needed that. We are soooo not alone!!

HUGS!!

Laurie, I've been a regular reader and only sporadic commenter. I wanted to say how much it helps me--and probably everyone--that you're honest with yourself about what you're feeling, and you remind us all that it's ok to have good days and bad days. My boyfriend of 10.5 years and I just broke up a week ago; it's been hard. And knowing that it's OK to have good days AND bad days, well, it makes me feel a lot better. Love your tree and penguin ornaments! There's nothing quite like the cuteness of a penguin to cheer you up. You should knit yourself a Pasha; the penguin from Knitty.com!

Awww. But I have been enjoying the Alanis. Because nothing says holiday season to me like Alanis does. Honestly.

Laurie, I think that it takes as long as it takes and there is no right or wrong amount of time. Take as long as you need. Take the steps that you need. My husband of 10 years has decided to move out in January. He's staying through the holidays so that we can give the kids "one last christmas" as a family. Personally, I almost wish that I could just go ahead and get my first christmas without him in a decade done and over with.

I've been rereading a lot of your old posts lately and telling myself, "See it really does get better and you can greet the hard times with grace and a sense of humor." and you are giving me a great example to live up to. Maybe not the example that you wanted to give people, but damn girl, I hope I'm half as gutsy and brave and growthful as you have been.

My dad asked me today what my plans were. "Move into a little house and acquire too many cats." I answered. And I guess next Christmas, the kids and the cats and I will see what that looks like.

Enjoy your tree to the fullest. You earned it.

I'm a long time reader and a rare poster. Just wanted to chime in and say that I can totally see why it kinda upsets you that the x has a new wife. He doesn't deserve one and I doubt he appreciates her. Hope your good days outnumber your bad... hang in there and enjoy your new tree :) It looks great.

Many things:

a) penguins are my favorite animal.

b) My split is ironic, too - I wanted to be in a family where everyone is happy to be there and can work together as a unit and be joyful about it instead of heavy-sighingly resentful all the time, so as it turns out, I get to be alone, husband- and child-less for half of each week! See? Irony! Screw you, Alannis! So I get it.

c) If I were a man, I'd take you out in a heartbeat, and

d) If I knew a quality man in your area, I would so send him your way.

I just wanted to leave a comment. This is the first time I've read your blog. One of my best friends sent me the link and told me to read it today. I am totally understanding this today. Right now. Two months ago my partner (I hate to say boyfriend because I feel that that makes it seem like it wasn't valid), and I broke up. He cheated on me. With one of my best friends (not the one that sent me this link. the other one, ha). I have had this internal struggle for quite some time, and couldn't bring myself to explain it, but you just did.

You know what? You're better off. So am I. Its not fair, but in the long run, we are the bigger people. The better people.

Thank you for writing this.

some days you just need chocolate and a nice bottle of wine.

Hi Laurie - It's been a year since I first commented. I had enjoyed reading your blog for some time by then, and had wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and wishing you all the best. You seem to have done very well this year, and more power to you. There is nothing wrong with appreciating what you have, but wanting a bit more: companionship, someone to help decorate the tree, someone to love and be loved by. Here's wishing all that and more for you in the coming year.

P.S. Your tree looks lovely!

How funny! You, my best friend and a sale at Michael's prompted me to decorate for Christmas this year. Divorced people can have Christmas trees! I bought the same one this weekend, only I selected the off-white urn thingy. I know what you mean about life lessons- how "wise" and "evolved" do I have to become to have true love? Growth is great, but that doesn't keep me warm at night and sometimes it is really a struggle to believe that there is a divine plan for me. There must be men in their thirties who are committed to commitment, right?

Laurie, I'd like to tell you a little story that will not help you at all now but may give you hope for the future: 10 years ago, give or take, my mom threw my dad out of the house because she "needed space," took up immediately with a guy from work, and was pretty crappy to my dad all the way around. She got married the weekend their divorce was final. My dad spent several of lonely years trying to figure out why the love of his life had up and dumped him. He dated a bit, but nothing serious until he met my stepmom a few years ago. They are now very happily married and cute as kittens with the PDA and everything. Mom stayed with her new guy, too: he's been unemployed for about 3 years now and oh, btw, turns out he's a big drunk. (Yes, of course I feel bad for her -- she's my mom. But she did make her choice.) So here's hoping that in a few years you'll be wallowing in happiness like my dad, and you-know-who'll be wondering what he was thinking to give up a peach like you.

Laurie;
After having lived through being alone during more Christmas seasons than you have yarn, I've finally discovered that the "secret" to being happy during that time is to do non-traditional things. Go to the beach, fly a kite, go to the re-opened observatory at night for some star gazing. Play tourist for a day in Your City. The trick is not to get pulled into all that "Tis' the season to be jolly" crap. That's just a bunch of marketing hype, and you (and everyone else) know it. Go create your own memories of the month, don't buy into the myth that the Beverly Center can make you happy (although their ice cream does help)..

Hug your kitties tightly, and look at the love in their eyes. What more does anyone need? (Well, perhaps a fresh plat of Roy-approved bacon).

Merry Christmas to all, to Laurie, her cats, and all the bloggers, lurkers, knitters, non-knitters, and cat fans who are glad to call this place part of their "home". And it does feel sprt of like a like a home to us, because a home is a place where sharing feels safe.

i've been where you are, and i swear to you, it gets easier over time.

i still feel that loneliness you describe, that desire for a special someone (i still haven't found one, though i've been divorced much longer than you). and that feeling is definitely stronger at the holidays.

but really, it will get easier. promise.

not that that makes NOW any easier...

a feckin' year, aye?
shit, woman, you're just getting juicy!
love the tree.

your ex sounds like a prick of Rockefeller Christmas Tree porportions.

Ya know, sometimes life craps on your head for no good reason. And I could tell you God must love you very very much to give you so much crap, but you would probably react much as I did, and I would like to live to see my next birthday.

So... grouse away. And hang in there. I love you, even if I am not your type.

And I swear there were no typos when I originally wrote out my posting!!!!

i will say this for alannis' song. it's cathartic. go to karaoke, and sing it at the top of your lungs (if you do karaoke, other wise just sing in the car). it does help.

I'm always impressed by your spirit but I'm going to do the lame biologist thing and rain on the penguin parade. Penguins could give your ex a run for his money. Most of the chicks those guys are holding on their feet in March of the Penguins were fathered by another male. They partner for a season or there wouldn't be any chicks to survive but that doesn't stop males from trying to be the source for as many of them as possible and the females from trying to get those macho genes into their kids.

The whole monogamy thing is some weird crack dream that people came up with after watching that movie, despite the fact that it is one giant Disney-fied version of the truth. Just like the Little Mermaid got her prince in the end type of truth.

It doesn't stop them from being cute at least.

Oh, Laurie. I'm feeling much the same as I move in to Christmas #3 alone, although my "divorceary" was in the summer. I don't have any specific advice, just chiming in to say I hear ya, and you're not alone in your feelings.

Hya there fellow cat lady,

You may feel lonely (duh), you may feel deprived (yup) but there is love everywhere...not just in a man's embrace. Although that's a pretty good place to find love...that doesn't help you. I'm sorry. I've been single for 2 years. I know. When there's no love in the champagne room, you begin to wonder exactly what the Universe is doing up there...I'm blaming it on Uranus.

I love your blog. It keeps me going.
xoxoJen

Laurie, you enjoy your Generic Winter Holiday (tm). I know you'll do fine and all that cliche stuff.

Remember, you gotta stay strong and stuff because you're the Hero to some nerdy 17 year old girl in Ohio. I need your blog as some sort of assurance that even as a grown up, you can still be rad and still feel and love as you did when you were a teenager. Thanks for being awesome and so on.

--Ally

ya'll are my favorites :)

thanks for understanding my short, squat pengiun ways... the Disney penguin ways, anyhow!

it's the holiday thing. it passes. at least i have learned that much anyway.

thank you!

shitfuckpisshelldamn

I know, Sweetheart.

I know.

~ JillieoftheValley

Hon, I'm coming up on my 6th Christmas as a born again single. If it wasn't for the kids I probably wouldn't even bother with the tree and decorations and suchlike. Presents - YES - we can all use a little something just BECAUSE WE DESERVE IT. Doesn't help that this is the time of year when everybody seems to take pleasure in shoving down our throats that we live in a couples society with a side of "OH, you're STILL alone".

When I get sick of the whole alone thing I remind myself of all the crap I had to put up with from the EX and it makes it all seem just a little bit better.

At least you just have cats at home and can get decently trashed when the mood takes you. Kids don't exactly treasure the image of a trashed mom, cats just try to convince you that they haven't been fed yet and that tuna, bacon, ham and cream are a nice balanced meal.

Feel free to vent. Feel as crap as you like. This too will pass and you will feel better eventually.

I'm sooo with you on needing hugs, although my divorce won't even be final till April. Everyone says I need to wait & take it slow, blah blah blah, but I still want someone to care about me.

I love your tree. You've inspired me to get mine up this weekend!

By the way, I'd love to see some knitting on your blog.... :-)

Oh, honey. To use the age-old Southern adage, bless your heart. Personally, I think you're doing great and it's okay to still feel sad about this. I think it would maybe be a little weird if you didn't. Yes! I am saying your ex is weird for spending Christmas with his new wife as though nothing was a bit off kilter! He is weird! You are not! (Okay, maybe you are weird, as we all are, but I mean that in the best possible way.) Hugs, hugs, hugs.

Oh, fuck him. (Can I swear in your comments? I didn't know). I hope he gets stabbed through the heart with some mistletoe, which is also poisonous. Anyhoo-Merry Christmas!

TC-first time commenter, long time lurker.

It's my 3rd Christmas alone too. At least "really" alone, so as the rest of the world can tell. (Most of the earlier 20 were alone too, but not one could tell...or believed me when I told them.)

My divorce has only been final since 10/13. I thought the light I was beginning to see was the end of the tunnel. Now you tell me it's probably a train. Well, at least this explains what I'm feeling...in a way.

Still, you inspire me to keep going, one day, one skien of wool, one bottle of wine at a time.

Firstly, right on about people being hateful with their grief-timetables. My older brother died when I was 11, and three months later a teacher asked "Aren't you OVER that YET?" GRRRRRR. I still get mad 17 years later!

Your writing always says things I feel, no matter how different our lives and situations are. Thanks aren't enough.

If you want a pity-party, grab yourself a copy of Ranier Maria Rilke, and read "you who never arrived." It's sad and perfect some days, for whatever crappy event is haunting you.

Hug yourself. Hug the kitties. Wallow if you need to. Holler if you need to.

And then do something really nice for yourself.

As for wanting to drink aquarium water - just remember that's where fish have sex. Do you really want to go there ;)
Sorry about D-day.
I second the comment from guinnessgirl.

Ok Laurie.
I get the divorced pain...but what about being with someone(thinking its forever) getting pregnant, losing the baby, and then breaking up....and then moving on and meeting someone terrific but babies no where in the significant future ( but still wanting one!) and turning 30 with the clock ticking......please tell me, (not trying to make you feel bad an any way) how do you deal..? I never planned on having kiddos after 35 so now I'm in a flux.
What is your take on the kiddos and such...do you want them?
I know you are now "single" and you are just looking for a "somewhat possibly special" relationship...but what is your take on the kid thing?
And your take on the "special relationship" thing?"
Enquiring minds want to know...
=)

Im loving that tree, i havent got one yet :(

Also I do love penguins, my pet rat looks like one - she also looks like Dewey in Malcolm in the Middle - she is a confused rat....

I did have a point... Do you still have that same PO Box? I think il spend my day productivly and find you a penguin :)

I'll marry you!

AND! I own a yarn shop! So we could hug and kiss (yarn) all day long, profess deep words of love (of yarn), take our love to the public (KIP) and spread the gosple of the ulitmate marrage (of merino and silk). See, it would be perfect!!

Of course, you would have to deal with snow, country hicks, 4 kids (all boys, although the 14 year old knits and crochets and looms and idolizes Drew which is funny because his name is Andrew haha!), 2 dogs, 6 birds, a guinea pig, 5 chickens... and a furry teddy bear (aka my husband, who does very much resemble a lumberjack, but hey we do live in Maine you know!)

But we could skip off barefoot (felted slippers?) down the street wolding hands (with alapacas, who may or may not have hands) and fend off any nay-sayers with our swords (sharp pointy sticks turn into swords after you lush up, right? Or is it just me?)

We love ya, and honest, we live for your posts - the funny ones to be sure, but also the sad ones.

Oh crap, spell check is such a good thing before coffee. Sorry for all the typos!

Everytime I read one of your sad/lonely posts I ache for you. Sometimes it's hard to understand why it's so difficult for someone who is so obviously bright and funny and talented to find that special someone who will wrap his arms around you and never let go.
But then I remember that men can be really stupid.

My Christmas wish for you is not for acceptance but that a bright, funny and talented man will find his way to you soon.

Love the tree, LOVELOVE the penguin!!! And after reading Cecilia's post above, I scrolled back up and sure enough - I see your reflection in the penguin! Isn't there something spiritually significant there???!!

Of course, your reflection doesn't exactly look human. It looks more like a ... penguin ... <3

Thanks for this post Laurie. Many, many hugs from me. You've hit the nail right on the head.

"But -- cruel trick of nature -- you can be thankful for blessings and still want some love in your life."

Amen, and amen.

Here's to happier days in the coming new year.

And I LOVE the penguins. Good choice!

My sweet, I think you have more love in your life than you're aware of -- and I'm sending some more to you right now.

xoxo

Will I be booed if I admit to liking that song (I knew exactly what that title referred to when I read it)?

You know, I have love in my life (my kids and husband), but the holidays are extra hard for me, too these days. I have been living outside the US for the past 5 1/2 years, and Christmas has been a bit of a challenge ever since. Makes me think it's not the love you are craving at this time of year (though, maybe it is), because you've got that with your family and friends (I know - not the same kind). Maybe it's that the holidays are so steeped in traditions of all kinds that when something happens to change the holidays and the way they work in your life (and mine), it's traumatic and takes LOTS of getting used to. For me, since the French don't have all the same traditions as we do in the US (or in my family), it doesn't quite seem like Christmas, and I crave a trip to the US. You got used to spending Christmas with someone in the house with you sharing all your little traditions. It's hardly going to be the same without that, right?

Oh yes, the keep it to yourself routine because people don't want to let themselves get upset because you are lonely and hurting. Been there and done that with my family so many times. Sometimes I feel more hurt about my family's reactions about the lack of a mate in my life (almost) than the actual lack of a mate. People who have been married forever, even if they aren't particularly happy, or go in and out of relationships rapdily, have absolutely no clue what life is like for the unattached. Believe me it is OK to complain, whether the person you are complaining to likes it or not. No consoling words from me. Emotional pain hurts!! Hester from Atlanta

wow, it's like looking in a mirror. granted i'm going through something different, but i have felt the EXACT same way the past 2 years & i have my little landmark days too. God love ya, it's perfectly fine to have sucky days. i feel you on the life lessons... you stand there thinkin'... damnit to hell can we please just fast forward to some good stuff in my life?! solidarity sister!

Oh Honey, virtual hug.

here are some virtual hugs coming your way. Hang in there kiddo, I know this is gonna suck, but trust me, it is true...this to shall pass...and in the meantime, here is what you can use as an adage and time honored tip *wink* I learned this and have applied it MANY times and trust me it DOES work...."when life has got you down, and your hurt, angry or offended or offending someone else*heehee* sometimes ya just gotta say ...what the fluck!!" there ya have it..... I said it!!

P.S. -- had to double comment. Your idea of loyalty and community and mating for life fits so much nicer into Wolf society. Think about it, hon.

But penguins are real cute, too, although they are sluts (both male and female). And that's okay.

I think a lot of us want this year or so behind us. For met it was losing my Dad, followed smack-dab by Katrina, and nine months of 80-hour weeks in rescue work (which was worth every minute of exhaustion), plus repairing Mom's house, and two job reassigments, and commuting to New Orleans every freaking day, and car wrecks, and, well.

I just want to usher in 2007 and hope for some of that good stuff you were talking about.

Go howl at the moon, girl. A shit like that dude doesn't deserve your love-for-life loyalty.

My husband left me when I was 31, and I still remember how painful it was. I have found that the best revenge is truly living well, though, and I have now been married for 20 years to a wonderful man. I also have a great kid (14 years old), and I know I'm much better off than if the first marriage had lasted.

The other thing I would share with you that helped me was to realize that I could not change my ex-husband, but I COULD change the way I felt about the situation. I also saw a counselor, and that helped immensely as I worked through the pain and feelings of rejection and anger.

You will find your own way through this, and I hope that you are happy and content sooner rather than later!

Judy

I couldn't have said it better myself.

For what it's worth, we have Penguins where I'm from--both at the zoo and the hockey playing kind.

First time commenter...long time reader :) I just thought I'd toss something back to you since I enjoy your blog so much. Here's my thought: if you haven't seen it yet, go see Happy Feet. The music is great and the penguins are awesome. To paraphrase from the movie: when all the penguins are singing around you, you don't have to add your squeeky voice to find your heartsong. Sometimes you have to tap your feet. I'm not sure what that means, but make of it what you will.
Lots of Love,
Rie

Laurie -
My roomate is a total hugger and had been without an outlet or hug-provider for two years when I met her. She struggled to think who might be out there, and when she'd find him, and in the meantime just lamented a lack of hugs. But then the universe smiled on her (see my most recent post). Now we're in a reversed position and I'm the one with a lack of hugs - but somehow seeing how it worked out for her, I have faith I'm not waiting in vain :)

I am sending you a nice long distance hug. You sound like you really need it. I will be having a sad Christmas this year, since I lost my Mom in January and it still brings tears to my eyes over it. I don't have either parent now since I lost my Dad way back in 1999, lung cancer did him in. So, it will be me and my many siblings at Christmas and broken hearts take a long time to heal, I am still grieving for my Dad and now for my Mom.
Hug those kitty cats of yours, I bet they love you more than life itself. One great thing about a cat, they love to sleep on your feet even after kicking them off of the bed ten times per night, they crawl right back on and make your feet go to sleep.
Merry Christmas. There is also eggnog spiked with rum to take away most of the miseries of the season. hic

Irony lives! I have now been divorced for longer (23 years) than I was married (19) and am still happily single. The irony part: we were married on my birthday, July 4. It was a Sunday, and convenient for the family to gather, etc. When the first July 4 came around after the divorce I clutched, thinking, "Is this going to spoil my birthday?" No! I now celebrate Independence Day each year!

Oh Laurie;
I could've written this post myself. Christmas was always a great time of year for me but these past 2 I haven't wanted to celebrate.

9 years with him and he can walk away without a glance back or a thought about what is left behind.

I KNOW it will get better, I just wish it were sooner rather than later.

Here's some hugs for you! ((((( Laurie )))))
Lorraine

Laurie love, I have 2 words and 1 movie for you.
"Happy Feet".
Go see it!

Hi Laurie,
I can't believe I've been reading your blog for well over one year already. One year ago tomorrow, my husband wanted to separate and I found out about his affair. God. He stopped it and is home, but we are struggling so much, and people DO expect -no matter whether you stay married or not- that you only have so much "down time" and then they don't want to hear it, really. I SO get that. So we struggle through this alone (and with our counselor).

It has flown by, and also been the most difficult year of my life, all at the same time. I really thought we'd be so much further along ("in a better place") in one year (it SEEMS like such a long time when you're looking ahead) but we are not.

Anyway, just thinking of you and thankful for your insight(s). I, like the others, am so proud of you. I shake a pompom for you as one of your many cheerleaders.

Laurie, you know what he has isn't real.
When you have it again, you know you'll make sure it is.

Laurie -

I just went to court this week for my divorce hearing, and even after having more than a year to process the end of this relationship, it's amazing how you find yourself directly back in the space of wondering how it is you managed to get here. I sometimes question whether you can ever totally wrap your mind around the thing called divorce or if parts of it will never make sense.

I can certainly sympathize with being replaced. My husband had barely left me before starting a new relationship, and I recently found out that they're expecting. Nothing like being replaced before you've been gotten rid of technically.

Like you, I know I'm so much better off where I am now, but man, have I been jonesing for some hugs lately! They're in our future. I can feel it! For now, we relish the hugs of our friends of the human and feline variety, I suppose (watch the claws on the latter).

Thanks, as always, for your eloquence and for identifying so well exactly how many of us are feeling. It's a daily hug for me to read your blog.

Sending warm hugs from frigid Boston!

P.S. Love the tree!

A friend calls these @#$%$ life lessons
A.F.G.E. -- Another Fucking Growth Experience.

Works for me! :)

Wow, I'm so glad I found your blog - it really does make a lot of sense, but more importantly it makes me laugh like a horse and frankly I'm not the cheeriest person in the world at the moment. I think I'm going to go and get a tree this week - a little one that I can haul out to the pavement in January when I'm back here not only dismantling the decoration but our married life. Roll on February!

Just so you know....things really do get better. My ex-husband turned to me one night, said he wasn't in love with my anymore and moved out the next day. I had three daughters under 5! Okay....he already met someone else...duh....they got married as soon as the friggin' divorce was final, had two kids and....fast forward about 9 years. SHE LEFT HIM AND MOVED OUT OF STATE!!! Ha, ha, ha.....I like that better than Ho, Ho, Ho. So, what I can tell ya is that things really do get better. Oh, and by the way, I have been happily re-married for 7 years. It all comes full circle and you really do get to look back and realize it was the best thing that ever happened to you. Love the penguinos!

*comf* This is the fourth year since I remarried and the fifth year since the divorce was finalized. It's the first year that I've thrown out everything left of his(our)Christmas stuff and bought all new stuff. It still hurt to do it and I was the one who gave him the boot in the first place. Gratz to you and your strength in moving on faster than I did.

This is beautiful, Laurie.

Thank you.