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December 6, 2006

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

xmastree-house.jpg


One full year.

My divorce was final one year ago yesterday. THAT IS CRAZY.

Honestly, for all my talk about working it out and trying to bring ChristmasBack (yes one day that joke will get old but not yet! bringing XmasBack!) I have to tell you there was a moment, maybe more than one, where I sat alone on the patio recently and wondered how it was possible that things are where they are. He wanted to be free of responsibility and the antiquated notions of "through thick and thin" and I wanted to be married forever, yet here we are coming up on my third Christmas without love in my life, and he's spending it with his new wife.

This is what we call "irony." Or, also, "shitonastick."

You have your good days and your bad days. Everyone wants you to have more good than bad, of course, so after a while you stop telling people anything. They have a notion there is a timeline on feeling crappy about a thing. In a weak moment, you might whine to your parents about how you miss them, and also HE GETS TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH HIS WIFE OF ALMOST ONE FULL YEAR and DIDN'T ALANIS MORISSETTE MAKE A SONG ABOUT THIS. My mom has reminded me how nice it is I will be spending Christmas with Grandma and Aunt Pam and making poor Mr. Hakim's ear fall off from the talking, too. She's right, of course. Others have reminded me how far I have come, all that, it's lovely and true. And also, let us not forget I do not live under a bridge. Thankful all around.

But -- cruel trick of nature -- you can be thankful for blessings and still want some love in your life.

It isn't a thing you can remedy by surrounding yourself with people. That's like being really thirsty, so you visit a public aquarium. Fun, but not thirst-quenching! Some folks will understand that same brand of puddled up, some people never feel it and no one is right or wrong either way. You don't cease to function, you don't grouse about it except on the internet to the whole wide world (whoops) and you just motor along because you are Doing Well, and People Have It Far Worse, and it's fine. It's fine.

My theory is I am just more like a penguin, what with the whole mate-for-life thing. Also, I am sort of shaped like a penguin. It's nice, I have a low center of gravity and lots of padding for harsh winters.

I know this is one of life's little lessons, and I should probably be learning something, or valuing something, or appreciating this time of ONCE AGAIN being free to contemplate my navel without any distractions whatsoever or some other noble thing that my small, shallow brain cannot yet grasp. But ... hello. Universe? I am kind of tired of lessons. I would like some hugging now. Thank you.

So, I have been divorced for a year and I'm fine and nothing dramatic is happening and I did end up buying a fake tree because it fit in my house and was On! Sale! and it came in a decorative urn and I decorated it with all new ornaments, there is not a single thing left to remind me of the past. And it should surprise no one at all that my entire theme was built around a sturdy little fellow who likes the warmth and company of a special also-sturdy friend, and wears nothing at all but a scarf:

xmastree-penguin.jpg


So it's fine. You just have good days and bad days, and I guess One-Year-Divorced Day wasn't one of the better ones. It was maybe one of the grouse ones. But I have my penguins, and that is a starting place. I will take this lesson. I will make sure to be appreciative. I will enjoy everything I have. I will not think much of ex-husbands and new wives and so on. YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE? I got the life lesson memo. YOU CAN STOP PLAYING ALANIS MORISSETTE NOW.

Posted by laurie at December 6, 2006 12:07 PM