Well, that depends. Is it a new plant or one of your own? And if new, is it alive, or trimmed to death.

Need more clues.

Ah, now the pictures, show up. Hmmmm. It is a mystery indeed. Perhaps the macrame holder saved it from breaking?

Just a plant that used to hang from the patio with its brothers, has been there for two years, and now it alone sits on the floor.

I do not understand.

The macrame is fine. It makes no sense at all. Unless he's trying to tell me something, in Francisco-speak.

Could the wind have moved it? I must say Francisco is a mystery unto himself. Totally.

But yeah, a plant suddenly moved, for no reason, would make me pause and wonder why.

How are you Mary? Doing okay? Need a gardener?

Maybe the plant is the chosen one. Francisco's Chosen One! It now may have pruning powers of its own. If I were you, maybe I'd move it farther from the house (and closer to the weeds!).

I did it.

hehehehehehe ... Kathy. too funny.

Amy! Maybe I should artfully arrange some other objects around it, like one single garden glove and a candle? Send a sign back?

I'm doing good. And yes, I need a gardener. Does Francisco know how to rake leaves?

I'd watch out for that Kathy. She says she did it.

Ooh, I cringe at the sight of that poor topped tree. That is sooo bad for trees. Crown-thinning and special pruning should be left to qualified arborists, and they all say that trees should not be topped. Owie. Tell Francisco, "THIS is a weed. Whack it back. THIS is a tree. It is not a weed. Do not whack it back."

Ha! Yes, do that! Cut a finger or two out of the gardening glove... that'll scare him!

Perhaps Francisco is Batman and was in the process of rehanging the plant when he got an urgent call on his Bat(cell)Phone. He had to leave immediately to save society and left the plant on the patio without thinking.

You think??

Liz, that explains it!!! Francisco, mild-mannered gardener by day, saving the world in between tree murderings. I love it!

He. is. so. odd.

Laurie, have you ever thought of maybe, firing Francisco?

Well, he comes with he house LOL

Besides, what would I make jokes about if there were no Francisco? He adds an element of surprise to my otherwise mundane valley yard ;)

Have you investigated putting land mines in your yard? Not to kill him of course but to put him out of business for while. So your yard can actually grow peacefully for 6-8 weeks!

Did you like the hideous scarf I made for you? It looks like something from Fraggle Rock.

This is clearly Mexican Gardener Santeria. You are now supposed to kill a chicken and drain the blood into the dead plant, while burning one of those big glass votive candles bearing a picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Speaking of killing chickens ... Carencro, eh? Aiii-eee, mon cher jolie blanc! Carencro is so small, the town square is a triangle.

I was damnclose with Grosse Tete, you gotta admit.

Oh, you are just breaking my heart now. You are not only a displaced Southerner, you are a displaced Coonass! A Coonass stranded in L.A. with no decent food!

This is killing me. My dear departed mother-in-law was from so far back on the bayou she didn't speak ONE WORD of English until she was nine years old.

Boo, I'm gonna HAVE to run over the river to Bada's Bait Stand and send you some boudin, and some Tony's.

Check his forehead, he probably walked right into it which would have been priceless to see. I'm visualizing it over and over. Hee hee

I think it's just a little message from Francisco the Garden Mafioso. A mob boss post-it, if you will, like a decapitated horse's head left in your bed. A reminder that you'd best not be considering hiring that other gardener, the hunky guy he caught you with the other day. Francisco is saying, don't fire him, or else the dying plant gets it.

Because what he did to the tree wasn't nearly brutal enough....

Are you sure that Francisco doesn't use the alias Roberto?

I have a gardner named Roberto who does the same exact thing. Cut the trees and bushes and leave the weeds? I don't get it? When I ask him about it he just shrugs and smiles!

Oh well.... if the tree survives we know we have a winner.

The time may have come to fire Francisco. I mean really. The guy's a menace. What happened to that other guy you were talking to on the porch? He seemed nice and actually able to tell a weed from a hole in the wall.

The plant is trying to drag itself to water?

looks like the plant is desperately seeking that other gardener guy, why did you keep francisco? are you secretly having an affair with him and this is why he can abuse the plant life?

The other gardener guy is getting a lot of votes.

Really, I think I'd fire him too, after seeing that tree ... my ex-stepfather is the only other person I've seen who butchers plants quite like that, but he at least never claimed to be a gardener.

Squirrels.

I think Stacey has it right

I think tt's a message from Francisco. It says, "The pots are next." Be afraid, be very afraid. I wonder if maybe the landlord is thinking you are getting F. to do this and is afraid to discuss the yard problem with you.

I suspect, once decoded, the message would say: Time to get a new gardener.

That's my best guess based on all the evidence provided. I don't know though. What's best for your garden may not be what's best for the stand-up comedy career you've got planned as a back-up for when you are no longer able to pull Flash-internetty things out of your hind quarters.

I, too, think it is a message from Sans san Francisco, only it has a very clear meaning:

All the others have died, but THIS one survives your neglect. Buy more of THESE plants, and I won't water them, either.

He's probably enjoying his time thinking about all of his old girlfriends, and real gardening gets in the way of his daydream time. Forget the cute guy - he probably has 8 girlfriends and will charge too much to buy them all dinner.

Yes, it obviously spied the cute landscape guy drive by again, and made a desperate attempt to get his attention!

Laurie, Please for the love of your garden, fire that incompetent SOB. That tree is crying in pain. Mary in Boston hit it right on in her comment.

Looks like Francisco thought it needed some sun?????? maybe? it is sitting in the sun.. thats too much.. so glad the gardening it left to me. along with the taking out of the garbage the lawn mowing the car washing and well if it should be done guess who dones it.. oh well.. Maybe a ghost moved it? the Ghost of dead plants past

I really don't understand why you keep him, especially since there is a ready alternative.

Here is what you say to Francisco:

"Francisco, usted asasino' mi arbol. No mas trabajan para usted. Salga! Salga!"

Say "Salga!" REAL LOUD.

Or tell him in Cajun...

"Vous etes mis le feu. Allez-vous-ens!"

Well, you must really enjoy Francisco--cause that guy is a butcher. I studied the cuts--there is absolutely no rhyme nor reason--are topiaries his thang?

I think Francisco knows that he can't be fired.. and does it just to torment you. Perhaps it's time to talk to the landlord. Enjoy the weekend!!

It must be the hanging pot that Francisco bonks his head on each time he ventures into the weed sanctuary.

Maybe Francisco is taking up feng shui and that plant needed to be moved to the middle of the patio to make his gardener chi flow better. After all, he is Francisco.

Does he get paid per whack?

I was trying to escape the patio of death.

Francisco needs help. I think he has a fear of the color green. Check to see if he has a green card. Therein lies the problem.

Gobble gobble.

Francisco just plain scares me.
A person who displays such an unbridled hatred of plants should not be allowed near garden tools.

Oh that poor tree!!! It breaks my heart to see it. Go find the cute one!

Maybe it's a Mexican gardener sort of thing? The guys who work on my apartment building do the same thing - prune back without mercy, or apparently, any reason.

Just because they are gardeners doesn't necessarily mean they have any training, you know...

And what's this Meow Mix stuff, missy? SCIENCE DIET!!! SCIENCE DIET!!! Yes, it costs a little more, but it's more bioavailable for the kitties - meaning more of the cat food actually stays in the cat, and not in the litterbox.

Trust me. Their fur will be glossier, the litterboxes will be less stinky, and they won't get sick so much. (I wrote a newspaper story once on what's in cat food - the superpremium stuff is worth the money.)

Oh, and buy an airtight container for it so it doesn't spoil. And have you seen those great Drinkwell cat water fountains? Totally worth the money.

Loved your posts about how far you've come. It really is like that - it seems as though you hurt for so long, in a million different ways, and then one day you notice it hurts a lot less.

Deees eeeez Francisco!

Si Senorita Laurie I DO come wid dee howz, but I no gardner. I pool man, Did they no tell you?

BD

I think Francisco the butcher needs to go. You need some hot bodied lawn boy out there who melts the ice cubes in your lemonade spiked with Southern Comfort! That poor tree, I feel so bad for it. It looks like it needs a wig!
The cats are adorable as usual!

I'd put a pair of shears, some lopers and a voodoo doll beside it. Maybe Francisco will lay off the pruning for a while.

Francisco is arborcidal! And he knows he can't be fired. But doesn't the owner notice the slow awful death of his plants?!

Oh, your poor tree! I hate it when people do that to trees - the people who bought the house I grew up in did that to the lovely trees I used to climb. I wanted to march right up and knock on the door and ask them just what the heck they thought they were doing, not to mention tearing out my mother's lovely flower garden and replacing it with grass (!?!) but my dad talked me out of it.

truly. Francisco must go. Has your landlord seen your blog? Or the tree? Or rather, the tree stump? Todo es muy loco.

Oh my gosh - I'm a little stumped but intrigued. I'm going to call on Calleigh Duquesne to help with this one. Please do not touch anything and allow nobody to enter the crime scene - you now the drill!!!

*snort* aborcidal!

I thought the plant was saying "Take me to your leader", but any plant I've ever had has died, so what do I know?
And very moving post about Thanksgiving; I usually work bc I can't get time off & it's not feasible to travel 6+ hours each way for a 1 day holiday. It's not a big deal to me as I'm so used to it, but this year my neighbors invited me for dinner, it really touched me that they would do that.

OMG! It's a warning! Prolly something to do with that other landscape architect who showed up on your doorsteps a while ago. You remember that one? ;-)

What is wrong with that guy?

Are you paying this guy to kill your tree?!!!
Someone should trim him.
Sorry, but I think Francesco needs to put away his pruners and find another occupation. Obviously landscaping is not his forte.

Love the kitty pics.

The plant in the middle of the patio is a sign, but not from Francisco. Clearly Soba has learned to move things with her mind. Beware! No one is safe!

I think it's trying to escape, trying to avoid sharing a fate with The Topless Tree. Chances are it was in the middle of a mad dash when you appeared and it tried to freeze ... "If I don't move, she won't see me."

Here's a phrase for Francisco: "Hola, mi nombre es Laurinigo Montoya. Estoy buscando a hombre que mató a mi árbol. Prepárese para morir." (Hello, my name is Laurinigo Montoya. I am looking for the man who killed my tree. Prepare to die.")

I really think that other gardener should have won your yard. That tree looks as if it is in pain and if you pay this guy to garden, the weeds really need to go.

The plant is trying to run for its life, it just didnt realize that it has no legs.

Did he water it?

I always take them down to water them.

Sorry can't have a more clever response.

I think Fransisco either needs a good dose of prozac, or really needs to get laid.... because seriously... he is taking it all out on the poor trees...

Hmmm. I see there is already the horse head reference. My thought was that it was more like the fish wrapped in newspaper. "Just as this plant once hung high, now your tree too has been lowered to the ground." Of course, also hidden in this is the threat of, "And I'll be back for the rest of them soon."

Erm...I don't think you are supposed to top trees? I don't think it's good for them? Pruning, good, topping, bad.

Holy crap, he IS a butcher. Talk to your landlord before he kills everything!

That poor tree! As for the moved plant, it looks like something my ADHD husband does often. The loose translation is usually: I bonked my head/tripped over/bumped into this six or seven times, so I moved it out of the way, and then couldn't remember where it went to put it back, so I left it.

Perhaps Francisco is OCD, and instead of checking to make sure the door is locked, he prunes???

I dunno, I'm stumped.

Yep- It's time for Francisco, killer of grass, hacker of trees to git gone. This is too much. Call the landlord and let him know. For Landlord to be paying this guy to keep up the garden, and therefore the property value and only getting Agent Orange in the shape of a middle aged guy is just plain silly.

This might be a long shot but do you think in some weird way that Fransisco left it there so that you'd see it and water it? Maybe he was trying to give a hint or something although seeing what he does to your trees and shrubs I would think that he would not be in a position to judge. :-)

Laurie. Please, please, PLEASE at least discuss his backwards gardening habits with the landlord. I love trees and that was a crime!!! Not to mention, you wouldn't want to get accused of neglecting to tell them it was going on and maybe getting charged for the damage to the property... at this point the tree needs to come out because all it will do is sprout those skinny witchy looking things all over and be an even bigger eyesore than it is now. : (

Ok, stepping off my eco soapbox... sorry.

(Loved the whole the plant trying to get to water comment up there... laughed out loud for real!)

The poor tree - it looks like an amputee.

Hee - love the kitty in the basket photo essay. You're so funny. Sometimes when I need a laugh I go back and browse through the Insane Kitty Posse so I'm glad there's a new entry.

The plant on the patio is a " left over " .
While Fransico was molesting the plants ...they formulated a plan .
The plan involved a LOT of intricate details that chloroplast owners find hard to execute.
They did their best to "GET " Fransisco ... but failed ......
The one on the patio was " expendable " .
:-P

The poor tree. That's what my floribunda roses look like a few days after I've had a go at them. "Floribunda rose" sounds so sweet, so rosy, doesn't it? Trust me, they are evil plants. They have thorns, they spread like wildfire, they are indestructible. Maybe you should get some and sic them on Francisco?

Obviously the plant tried to escape but did not get far.

Hi! I am crazy too :) Seeing how I was on vacation all week and missed (I KNOW! I am sorry) your Hairstory posts, I only now got to read through them, and was compelled to comment. I was just the opposite. Which is also very sad. I was so affraid of "stepping out of the box" that I wore hair barretts for four years in highschool, and would not bring my head near a pair of scissors! Why? Because my mom gave me a poodle perm (after cutting my hair to one inch length all over my head) in 5th grade. Even the school bus driver laughed at me!! I was so traumatized for so many years, that I didn't even discover hot rollers until my senior year. It was sad....very very sad! I KNOW what it is to look like buckwheat.

What did he do to that poor tree?

Did the plant contain any living greenness? Maybe Francisco took it down intending to prune it, as he does all other living things?

You don't have to keep Francisco around just to keep us entertained, you know. I'd be perfectly well entertained by stories of the hot gardener with the great smile. I promise.

Wow, it looks like Franscisco has a serious aversion to foliage. Either that, or he is on crack. I'm stumped on the how and why your hanging plant ended up where it did, unless it got caught in the fray while Franscisco was wildly swinging the saw back and forth on the tree. Does Francisco happen to have any anger management issues that you know of? I mean....well....after seeing what this man did to your tree and all, I'm growing a bit concerned for the safety of your cats around him.

chupacabras

Francisco prunes the same way my father does!

I MUST know: does Francisco have children? Or goldfish? Or plant of his own? He doesn't seem like the kind of person who's very good with things that, uh, live.

Honestly, you really should keep sharp objects away from him. When I saw what he did to that tree, I felt like I'd just heard the Angry Ent in Lord of the Rings.

'Taint right, girl.

Oh please get rid of that good for nothing gardner!! He has runined that tree and it is a crying shame to actually pay someone for that butcher job!!! Get the other guy.

That man has to go. He is not a gardener, he is a crazy man someone gave a pair of shears/lopers to. He would scare me.

He doesn't need a reason for putting it there. He is Francisco.

can you email me your mailing address, so i don't have your holiday card in april like last year?

thank you.

It's trying to escape, lest it meet the same fate as your poor tree.

Hey, have you seen the knit tree cozies? (see Brenda Dayne :) Perhaps a tree cozy would comfort the poor mangled thing AND *hopefully* discourage Francisco from any further carnage!?

That is so not right. Francisco = Angry Edward Scissorhands

Hope you had a great holiday, CAP!

Holy shit! Fransisco is no landscaper. He's a tree assassin! I know y'all do things a little different over there in California, but what do you have against trees? For crying out loud, what are you gonna do for shade in a couple of weeks?

I think you might have broken Francisco's heart.

Just read the whole Hairstory. Lovely. I could do the same thing with glasses. The progression from granny ovals to big-assed green plastic bug eyes to something else completely forgotten therefore probably hideous to red preppy round wire rims to tortoise-shell rectangular jobbies to the return of the granny ovals to my current purple "Is she actually from Germany? I don't know?" frames.

You were a cute kid. Very cute. Pigtails on little blonde girls -- it's the law. Nothing much you or your parents could have done about that. And, no, you never went through an ugly phase. I can show you Ugly Phase that would drop you to your knees in thanksgiving to the merciful God who spared you such a fate. May I remind you, big-assed green plastic bug eye frames?

Hey Laurie, just wanted to say Happy Holidays! I haven't commented in a while but let me tell you I greatly enjoyed the Hairstory and the diary entries. I am thankful that you keep it real around here and make me feel normal. If Laurie has had bad hair years(!) and bad relationship years like I have, then maybe I can mourn them, laugh them off, and let go of them too. cheers!

Can I ask a cat question??

We were adopted by a cat this weekend. He has a litter box in the laundry room. It's the scoopable kind of litter. I feel like I'm breathing kitty litter all over my house, even though the litter box is downstairs and pretty far away. Is this possible? Is kitty litter that dusty? Should I not have bought the cheapest kind at Rite Aid?

TIA!

p.s. Laurie, sorry about the plants. I'm in the "find a new gardener" camp.

to rd:
yeah, cheap litter is no good for the cat either.
if it's dusty, the cat is breathing all that into his tiny lungs too, and it can cause problems. same for scented litter.
bad. same for cheap kitty food. really bad!
it's better to spend a few extra dollars. i know it's hard sometimes, but it's so much better for the animal. :) good luck!

Perhaps a plea for fresh planting?

Just caught up with your last few posts!

sorry about the tree, Im sure Franscisco knows what he's doing...pruning, he is, making sure your tree is nice and bushy this next fiscal plant year...I think.

All those fantastic pictures of your younger years what a great chronicle of your hair(and family) history...guard them. Thanks for sharing.

I don't know how, but somehow I stumbled on your blog and I have to tell you, I think you are wonderful. I can't stop laughing.

RB, here's more info besides the previous one on cheap litter. Sometimes you are smelling litter because it is caught in their tiny paws.

RB, I an an animal behaviorist and work in the animal sheltering business as a shelter manager. Don't buy the cheapest clumping litter. It's no good for you or the animal. Buy the good quality dust-free stuff -- unscented. It clumps better and harder, so you actually end up using less of it. The basement may not be the bestplace for the box unless you add a cat-access door. It's not the cat' sfault if the door is closed and she can't get to the box. You might want to put it somewhere else in the house. Good food and good litter seems more expensive on the outset but the end result is less litter wasted and smaller, firmer lass stinky stools. Ask your vet -- get your pet the bust nutritionally availablle food, and buy your dress shoes at Pay Less, quit smoking, or save money some other kind of way. Good luck.

Well, thanks everyone. Dez, my cat's box is not in the basement. I have a two story house. And I don't smoke, and I will not be buying shoes at Payless.

I will get him the good litter next time, though it turns out he won't be around long because he tested positive for FELV - he was a stray.