First. Mostly because the Baby (who is 18) just finished all the potatoes (and I made extra) and he and his brother are taking naps. The Husband had to work and I am sitting in front of the computer. At least with pizza there are no dishes.

Real words of wisdom. I've been keeping a journal since I was 9, and I can't tell you how many times I've gone back to see just how far I've come. I'm glad you kept a journal and were true to yourself in the moment. And even gladder that it gives you some peace to see how far you've come. Peace to you in this season of madness.

Even though I'm halfway across the world (Singapore), I read your blog all the time and feel less alone.

Thanks.

Definitely keep the diary. Once you are through it, you will read it again, and you will think:
"Damn. I got through that? I am STRONG, baby!"
And we are, all of us.

Hope you and the cats have a very happy Thanksgiving!

From one single, divorced (twice, 'cause apparently I'm not so good with the smarts) gal to another....

May you find the peace within yourself this year and many years beyond.

And remember...."It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho for the rest of your life." :)

Besides, when you're on your own for the holidays, no one looks down on you spending your time with the fibers!

Good for you, Laurie. I'm glad you can look back and feel compassion for your past self. I'm glad things are better for you. Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you and the cats enjoy your pizza.

You've come a long way baby. Happy Thanksgiving to you and the cats. I had a glass of wine for you today. Sometimes alone is a better place to be than the crazy dysfunction of family.

We love you Laurie! Glad to see you love yourself too.

I just wonder how many holidays before I feel compassion for myself? I'm on Thanksgiving #3...if you count the one where I "faked it" at his family's and they didn't know we were separated. I know what you mean about the journal...think I'll go review.

Just so you know, I come here and feel just a bit less lonely. So you are one of the people I'm thankful for this year! :-D

Don't all the holidays just suck after some point? My mother died last January and so far all of my holidays have sucked. It was a couple of weeks before my 35th birthday, so that will always suck now, too. I am obligated to *appear* happy this Christmas, but I did reserve a cabin in the woods for my next birthday, which is a place I can feel alive again.
Today wasn't as bad as it could have been.
Happy Thanksgiving from one of your many, many adoring fans.

As long as you come here to write, you will never be alone.

Dear Laurie:

Thanksgiving is for saying "thank you." so:

Thank you, Laurie, for being so engaging, funny, and real. Thank you for getting me through qwful days at work working for the arrogant jackass I work for, knowing that at the end of the day, I can come home, fire up the command center, and read the very funny, very human writings of a very smart, very interesting person. I laugh with you when you laugh. I cry with you
when you cry.

And yes, I have a very full life, so than ain't it.

Have a great pizza-and-fur-filled Thanksgiving, dear.

Happy Thanksgiving Laurie!!! From one crazy wine drinking knitter to another!!!

Happy Turkey Day to you and your kitties from someone who is still using an email address that they created when there still was an "and" after the "becky" part. Things are just too new and weird to decide on a new email address amongst all the other issues.

Laurie, I check your blog everyday because I just know that if we had known eachother growing up we would have been best girlfriends. lol. You give me a little bit of a reminder that life does go on even when it feels like it's falling apart.
I don't have any kitties but I have four human kids. I even have a Sobakowa, but mine is a twelve year old human girl who seems to think she already rules the world. lol

Honey Pie, you can just come up and have Thanksgiving AND Christmas with us and our three cats.

The holidays here have sucked ever since my dad died, because he was the heart and soul of the family, and because of him, the whole family came together on Christmas. When he was killed after rolling the tractor over, Mom decided we "didn't need to do all that any more."

Shucks, and here I thought we did.

Now we're all scattered around. I tried inviting family to our house several times, but no one came. Sometimes my mom would invite us over, then decide to go over to one of her friends and cancel out on us.

Holidays feel all freaky and weird now. We're slowly putting together our own traditions. But I sure miss the big ol' family gatherings.

I boycotted 80% of Turkey day (we had chicken) and 99.9% of xmas last year (cards and gifts for the under 5s were necessary evils).

This year I experimented with turkey breast, and I'm hunting for an inexpensive Rosemary Tree. They are small and they're alive and, hey, they smell like Rosemary! I have one ornamnet to hang on it, given to me last year.

It's corny but, one day at a time :).

Beautiful post, Laurie. Yeah keep the diary. I have all of my old ones, dating back to when I was 11 years old. I don't go back and read them really. Something about reading what I've written gives me a skeevy feeling. But I think it's worth keeping for those "Who am I? Where did I come from? Where the @&#$ am I going" days. That and a good merlot.

One thing to keep in mind: There are a lot of us out here who are thankful for YOU. For posting honestly. For sharing what makes you human, and making us feel more human too. For being funny as hell and bright as halogen. For adorable cats with hilarious captions. For all that stuff & more, we lift a pizza box to you.

^^^^^^^^What she said, plus....sometimes it's a million times better to be alone on Thanksgiving - well, alone with cats and frozen pizza and wine.

I spent my evening hanging out with a group of people (not even my relatives, fellow grad students!) who, by the end of the night, I wanted to slowly kill. Seriously. People are snarky and cruel and pissy. I don't like people right now. Can I borrow a cat?

You should congratulate yourself because you have come so far in a year. Thank you for being so honest with us.

Yay! You're right about looking back: sometimes you need to look back to see the progress ~x~

Whoa...that's a huge spanking spam comment you've got there.

Anyway: *hugs*

The best Thanksgiving I ever had was when we were in England. It was just another day. I don't celebrate Christmas, so I get a free pass on that one. Like a lot of people, I really fight depression during this time of year. Too much. But, to paraphrase The Manolo, The Laurie she makes the smiles!

Hi,

Long time reader, first time commenter.

The thing to note is that it isn't good to go back and read the diary when everything is still raw. Everything is new for me (a couple of months new) and it's just too hard to go back and read my emotions, they're still to real and painful.

But yes, I see myself today and I'm in a lot better shape than I was when it first happened. I'm still in no way close to being "okay" but atleast I can go about (most) days without dying inside (and that counts for something).

Thanks for your blog, it's addiction and inspiration for those of us in pain.

:).

What Valerie said, up there. I can't remember how I found your blog, but I am glad I did: you're honest, funny, perceptive and I hope you're proud, because you're showing the world (those who are lucky enough to find you) that it's possible to recover with style. I wish SO HARD that you'd been around to set an example for my mother in the 70s: she allowed her divorce to wreck her life and do weird things to all three of her children. Including me :-)
It's no wonder you've got cool cats: they know a good thing when they see it! (Not just gooshy food.)

Just a note to chime in for those peeps that are surrounded by people and still excruciatingly lonely! It's very important for everyone on the planet not to feel they are totally alone in anything, I can guarantee that someone somewhere has had the same feelings/doubts/whatever that you are having right now and they will survive and be happy too. Thank you Laurie for everything. Don't forget to use your humor, or Amazon Shield of Doom, when peeps start that "personal question" stuff. When someone asks you what you're doing for the holiday you could always say something like "oh, not much. Sacrificing chickens in the front yard for the voodoo spell I'm working on this week." You got it girl.

You've come a long way, baby!

I said that in a comment last week, I think, but it's so fitting.

You've come a long way, with us thankful for your blog and rooting for you every step of the way.

The great thing about the Internet is the connection with people you would otherwise never hear of. The bad thing is that most of them live so far away you can't invite them over for pizza and wine. I would if I could.

Laurie - I am Thankful for your blog - and how you somehow reasonate with all of us on the Internets and make us laugh and cry and not feel so buckwild crazy and alone. Your example is helping me live wide and not be so upset when my family and in-laws start in on the criticism - everytiime I hear "why don't you...." or "why can't you..." on and on and on.....I get so tense and sick. Your parents sound wonderful and they are probably now giving thanks that you are NOT running a porno site out of your garage. KIMBERLING

I have been reading your blog for over a year now. It was just before T-giving '05 that i googled "easy roll brim hat" (because I was a beginning knitter and just wanted to make a goddamn hat!) and stumbled upon a blog that would change my life! I have never checked a website EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN day just to see what someone has to say. Just to see if she's ok. Just to see if she needs a virtual hug, or if she's giving them out, cuz often I need them just as much. And whether you know it or not, you've given me many!

Thank for your online diary. Thank you for your friendship, even though I'm an infrequent commenter and have never had an actual conversation with you. I feel like you are a friend, a friend that I share with a million other people but don't have to share with anyone at the same time.

I had frozen pizza yesterday too! And I hung out with someone else's cat because I am housesitting for her. I know you don't want to hear this (believe me, I know.) You are going to be better than OK!!!!

I just started reading your blog. I'm enjoying it so much that I'm starting back through the archives. I'm from Northern California and moved to Mobile, Alabama, which was like moving to a different country where they sort of speak the same language but are lacking certain essential words like "liberal" and "starbucks" and "tofu". And I'm now on my THIRD marriage (married at 36) and had my first child at 40, which in the Deep South qualifies you as being your child's mother and grandmother at the same time. So I can relate to your transcontinental move and divorce. Thanks for writing!

hi. i'm only 23 and not divorced. or ever married. but i am studying abroad in sweden right now. and facing the possibility of spending christmas here. alone. in the darkest, most unfriendly country in the universe. i was going to spend the holiday with a nice swedish boy, and so i didn't buy a plane ticket home.

but then he dumped me.

thanks for this entry.

Gee...I wonder what the folks living under the bridge are doing for the holidays...

You make a celebration of so many things; your cats, the drive to work, former hair styles, a boy from college. I think this is a gift that very few people possess, and it is the reason I look forward to your posts. The longer we live, the more sadness gathers around holidays that will never be the magic of our youth. But, you take joy and celebrate your day to day experiences, the things most of us miss.

I'm glad this year is more okay.

*HUGS*

Love you.
(hey, delete that spam thing, willya?)

I totally agree with you on keeping your journals through the bad times. They give you a chance to look back and see how far you have come and what you have learned in that time.

What you do with your blog is very brave, to share your life and feelings like you do. You are an amazing human being.

What if every year's a bad year, holiday-wise? I'd just as soon not celebrate them....

Laurie:

I had a huge turkey and all the fixings for my brother and his two kids (he's going through a divorce) but it felt like home. It was just five of us, but it was so worth the effort. We should get together today and have a day after thanksgiving feast. I'll bring the food, you provide the wine.
Next year I will make sure you are not eating frozen pizza with the cats (although with as much work as yesterday's feast was, that doesn't sound like a half-bad idea.) Or maybe, if we both find ourselves alone next year, let's go work at the Red Door Mission on Figueroa and spread some Thanksgiving cheer to others in need. I admit, after I cooked all that food yesterday, I felt like that is what I should have done with my time and talents, even though my brother and nephews really appreciated it.

As far as Christmas goes, go to Tar-jay and buy the smallest, dorkiest, cheesiest X-mas (yes, X-mas) tree you can find. Last year, when my hubby and I were all alone out here for Christmas in a tiny house too small for our beautiful tree that we always put up (it was our first year out here) that's what we did and it was the best. Tacky, tinsley, fiber-opticky goodness. The only thing it didn't do was spin and play O Tannenbaum. It is amazing how much better that dorky little tree made us feel.

Kiddo, with all of the countless friends you have out here in the blogosphere (and in RL) you are never alone. I raise my glass to you :)

Wow.

Being a newly single divorcee -- I can see the liknesses in various journals. I got forwarded your URL by another friend of mine -- just to let me know I wasn't alone going through all of this mess.

It does get better (I keep telling myself that as well when life gets me down) Surround yourself with friends -- That is the only way I was able to keep myself sane this year. (1st year alone without him)

Take care of yourself -- I'll keep reading.

I still sort of relate to your diary. Even now. I always feel like such an outsider during the holidays. I haven't figured out why, either. I spent yesterday with friends who are not really friends but cared enough to insist that I join them, to the point of threatening to drag me out of my apartment. And you know what? That was the part that felt nice... that someone cared that I was there.

I hope you had a lovely day yesterday, cats, pizza and all.

*
You are a darling and dear young woman ..
You can create an abundance of lovely new memories ..
Dream big, dear heart ..

*

No pity here wanna come to our house for christmas? if you leave now.. you can be in NYS just in time.. Holidays suck whether you are alone or with family.. you always forget that one gift for someone.. you always work your ass off to getan oh.. thanks..or a I wanted that not this.. and well all the stress prior to.. all the shopping to find the perfect gifts for everyone going broke in the process.. The holidays suck whether you are alone or not.. hang in there..

Laurie, I agree with the commenters above, especially the one saying we loyal readers are thankful for your open honesty. (And not only are you refreshingly honest, you are a damn good writer.) I wish I could have been able to keep a journal. However there is so much of my past that I thought I would never want to revisit. And when my mom went all bi-polar she would write and write and it was embarrassingly awful crazy stuff. I was afraid that writing a journal and being that openly honest was a sign I was becoming bi-polar myself. I am gradually learning differently. Reading reflective posts such as this one helps me see how it can be ok to save moments and revisit them.

now please don't get too mad at me for my next thought, but as someone who lives far from extended family (by design) I am familiar with generosity at Thanksgiving and invitations extended. As I was reading your last year's journal I could not help but think that at least some of the folks that asked you about T-day plans were asking so that if you didn't have plans they were going to ask you to join them.

I posted this last night, after too much wine probably! I don't know, it seemed like a good idea at the time somehow.

But to the woman who asked, in the poor you voice, "What about the people living under the bridge?" ... yeah, I know. Look, I am southern, I am familiar with guilt (the guilt of feeling sad when someone has no shoes and no feet, somewhere!) You do not have to guilt me, I have a whole regional upbringing to do that :)

About a year and a half ago, I was crying about something divorce-related and my mom did one of those things on the phone where you tell a story about how awful someone else has it, because the moral of the story is you're supposed to shut up with the whining and be happy because someone out there has it worse.

I know I'm supposed to always be happy because I do not live under a bridge. Or, in the country we say, "Well, you think you've got it bad! Have you heard about the so and so girl?"

But I'm flawed and probably self-centered and you know what? Losing my husband still hurt me and I still cried even when I was thankful for the roof over my head. I'm happy I don't live under a bridge. I was sad about my divorce.

I don't think people stop feeling pain just because they have a bed to sleep in. Have I whined in my life? You betcha. Lady, I ONCE CRIED OVER A BAD HAIRCUT. I'm not a saint, or a TV character. I'm just a normal girl who has normal junk. I'm really grateful for my happinesses. I also get sad sometimes, sometimes it's over a lost husband, sometimes a lost earring. I am not above reproach. I'm just not perfect.

After the boy I moved half way around the world to marry decided to say "Probably no" to marriage and I said "Definately no" after that and re-moved half way around the world back to my parnets home, I can honestly say that time (a year and counting), knitting and doing things for others is helping. Personally, I'm making red scarves for orphan.org and getting others to do so. After all, kids who have aged out of the foster system and are going to college have had a harder life than I can ever imagine. It's helping. Keep knitting and let us all know the progress. Thanks.

Susan! I think it's wonderful that you are offering to feed and care for the people living under bridges this holiday season!

Oh...or were you just using them to guilt-torture a perfectly nice, decent woman? Shame on you.

(Laurie, while your explanation was beautiful and heartfelt and right on the money, you didn't owe one to anybody. Rock on!)

Susan, kiss my ass and Merry Christmas.

You leave our Laurie alone.

Well, of course she had a point, and people have it way worse off, but we just do what we can with what we got. I can't say I meant to start an anti-susan thing, just how it's okay to acknowledge your blessings and also, simultaneously, you can feel broken up over something. Anything.

I only put up the old diary stuff because it seemed a good way to see, for me, hey, I made progress, I'm not such a pity party anymore, I think we do get better, we do! I'm closing comments 'cause you know. I'm a weirdo. Love ya'll! Avoid the mall! There's a lot of people there!