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October 2, 2006

October Spooky-scopes

No, I did not forget about the very important stars and moons and planets and Pluto happening in October! But it's soon to be Halloween, and no time like the present for detailing all the ways in which we, as astrological profiles, kind of bite. We're all vampires in our own ways, sucking the life right out of life and there's no excuse for it. UNLESS you want to blame it all on being born under an unlucky star, or Pluto, which I wholly 100% endorse.

Happy scary Rocktober!


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Have ya'll heard about this Congressman guy who sent all kinds of salacious emails to underage boys? Mmmm. I love scandals. They're so... scandalous. I half wondered if ole Representative Foley wasn't an Aquarius, because man ya'll can be impulsive. Left alone in a room with a computer and an innernet connection, ya'll will be up to no good in about three seconds flat. Now, this isn't a comment on your goodness, deep down ya'll are good as gold and have a kindness streak a mile wide. But Lord you do some boneheaded things (no pun intended). Most of the zodiac needs a five-second rule: give yourself five seconds before you act on that impulse. Aquarians need a seventeen day rule. And even then sometimes ya'll surprise the pants off me (whoops, with the puns again!)

PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
I know a cute Pisces guy who is so darn adorable you want to just hug him until he needs chiropractic help to disentangle. Problem is, he's a Pisces, so it's real real hard to get close enough to hug, and if hugging were to occur he'd break away before medical intervention were necessary. Not that ya'll aren't warm and affectionate. It's just that once you've been hurt -- and come on, by now if your old enough to be sitting upright and reading words in a sentence, you have been hurt -- you're about as excited to let someone else into your heart as you are to jump headfirst into an empty swimming pool. Unlike us Cancers who just keep volunteering for more heartache and sorrow on our World Quest For Love and Attention, you Pisces folks want the same thing but are most reluctant volunteers. Explain to me how you're going to get the Recommended Daily Allowance Of Lovin' if you're too scared to re-enlist for hugging?

ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Listen, I know we've had a rough year. First, there was all the months I held back on you because my Mr. X was a big ol' Aries. Then there was the whole Jupiter issue which I may or may not have forgotten to mention because people! I do not control the planets! I know you need self-indulgence and attention, and I was all about Me, Me, Me. Fortunately for us we can't get divorced because I'm not even your Legally Wed Astrologer! I'm just the person who needlessly reminds you that you are someone who needs self-indulgence. Which is not an entirely bad quality, I have it myself, but if you could see past that little flaw of mine, you'll see that I'm trying to tell you something valuable here. Aries, you have been maligned, misunderstood, and un-indulged. Oh, haven't we all. Your acting ability is second to none, so you haven't shown how misunderstood you truly are. You've been playing a role, it had nothing at all to do with Jupiter or Planet Mr. X, and now you want to know when we'll get down to the real business of unearthing the Aries Truth. Maybe when you get down to the business of showing your true colors on a more regular basis. People only misunderstand because they don't see the real you. How can they indulge an act?

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

According to Love Astrology, Taurus would be an excellent match for me. I've yet to date a Taurus (surprisingly) but I do think I would enjoy your also tenacious character, the way you secretly like to save things, your conflicted relationship with money. I do wonder if we'd be able to move around our house, though, cluttered as it would be with my memories and your stuff. Whoops! I just crossed a Taurus line, calling all that stuff you've been saving "stuff" instead of Treasured Valuable Items. I like the way you rationalize holding on to the weirdest junk, the same way I do. I'm betting that you have a little spreadsheet in your mind of the justification, purpose, and history of each thing/person/piece of paper in your collection. Oh my little Taurus, where are you? You might be the only person in the world who I could help by throwing things away. Your things, of course. Gosh... we're not getting rid of mine!

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
My most favorite Gemini recently turned 62, cashed out all his stock in a Big High-Tech Company, and bought himself a brand new Corvette. HE IS SUCH A GEMINI. Hi wife, a darling Cancer, probably had a near heart attack. Geminis are always being characterized as impulsive and selfish. But I'm going to teach ya'll a great Southernism you must embrace: ya'll are just particular. It's not that you fly by the seat of your pants, always running afoul of the boring signs with your hedonism and impracticality. Ya'll are just particular, see? You have needs, and while they may not mesh with anyone else's vision of reality, ya'll just keep on down the path to crazybones because you know, you KNOW, that when you find happiness you better damn well be driving a fun car. Amen.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)

If you've spent even five minutes ever reading the astrological profile of Cancer, you know what they like to say abut us. If you believe all that crap, we're just a bunch of loveable oafs who want to mother the world and we tentatively watch from the sidelines for stray cats to take in, in between violent mood swings. What they don't tell you is that we are really deep down inside just in search of one thing, pure and simple: adoration. We don't want it the way Leos do (read: obedience) or the way Taurus does (smoochy acquiescence), no, we want -- nay, demand! -- full adoration and we need it ya'll. We NEED it. Which is why we're so damn hard to get to know, really know, Lord can we keep secrets. What we love to do most is think about how sad and maudlin we're going to be around the holidays, since there's no adoration in sight and here it is October and the Halloween candy is in the aisles and we know. We know what's coming. YOU CANNOT FOOL A CANCER. I say, let's make everyone else miserable, too. Let's start telling all the Jolly Hi Ho people of other zodiacal dimensions that, oh yeah, Christmas is just X days away. It will freak them out and make you so, so pleased.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

Well, Leo, in the words of your arch-nemesis Dr. Phil, let me ask the question of the month: How's THAT workin' for you? You know what I mean. You're very exact these days, very precise, very Leo (which is why the last man I dated for a while was a Leo, I did enjoy his confidence) (until he forgot he needed the audience, needed my attention, and just went out catting off as Leos are prone to do.) It's all fine and good to be the Big Cheese, but no one can eat an entire wheel of cheese. One must break it down into bite size pieces, savory tidbits, sometimes inexactly sliced and yummy. Cheese is always more palatable when mixed in with a nice salty cracker or a glass of wine, mix! Enjoy the other hors d 'oeuvres! You must relax, or the cheese metaphors will continue and you will be constipated, alone in your greatness, alone with no one to admire you, alone with no cracker to complement your cheesy goodness. And how would THAT work for you?

VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Virgo is one of my favorite signs on the wheel because, like Cancer, people think they have you pigeonholed into an exact Type, they think you're stuck in this prurient rut of cleanliness and sanctity. OH IF THEY ONLY KNEW. If they only knew you the way I do! I love your icky spots best. How you can be secretly very judgmental of the oddest things. You'll forgive a lot, but with you there are absolute, hidden dealbreakers and I love the way you keep them totally unarticulated so the rest of the world is always running afoul of your little internal barometer. Don't you dare change. Or, if you do change, don't tell anyone. Best to always keep people wondering where they've gone awry.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)

The scales of justice thing? Total crock of youknowwhat. All that "fair and balanced" stuff applies to you as much as to the network that trademarked it. You're a thinker, that's for sure, but you also get annoyed easily and in fact I am annoying you right this very minute. Hi! Maybe now I'll talk too much, and tell you about this really boring long involved dream I had (you = not a fan) and then by the end of this paragraph you won't even bother to tell me what an idiot I am, you'll just look at me in that Libra way -- ya'll have THE most expressive expressions -- and I Will Know. You're very discerning that way. Weeding out the flotsam. Problem is, we all have our flotsam (what the hell IS flotsam, anyway? Is it green? Like that stuff sitting on top of the swamp in Bayou Lafayette?) and even you, Oh Wise Libra, have flotsam. YES YOU DO. Flotsam. Don't look at me like that! This is your horror-scope, not your fair and balancedscope!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)

If only I could hold a grudge the way you do. Problem with Cancers is that while we DO hold our grudges, we're just not hard as nails on the follow through. I mean, sure, we can harbor resentment and hurt, but you Scorpios really know how to zing it to 'em. Interestingly enough, fewer Scorpios have road rage than other signs, because ya'll get your issues out in your day-to-day just fine, thankyouverymuch. It's those one or two nagging doubts you have, about the time you got so mad and just gave a big F-you to so-and-so, or said what was REALLY on your mind to you-know-who -- that keep you from being really happy with yourself. Which is good! Trust me, Guilt Cancer, on this one. The guilt of how you behaved that one time keeps you from being the total jerk you aspire to be when jerkiness is called for. I know you may not believe me, but that guilt can keep you happy. In a really roundabout and messed-up way.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
The best way to get rid of a Sag is to start telling them exactly what to do. So I won't do that today, seeing as I have already alienated for sure the Libras and Aries and Aquarius folks. Hi ya'll! Don't change a thing! Except... wow, ya'll. Don't you ever WANT to plan obsessively like the Cappies and Cancers and Virgos do? I mean, you don't have to get all Excel spreadsheet on us or anything. But you could try to make a list, maybe, pros and cons of your latest greatest good idea? Actually -- wait -- I have an idea. Just embrace your inner Unplanner, and hook your wagon to one of the more neurotic signs in the zodiac family. We'll do all your planning for you. The downside is that we will nag. A lot. And tell you what to do. So, you must invest in a really good Selective Hearing Aid. Oh hell, there I go again, telling you what to do. Whoops.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
So, the very last date I went on was with a guy who is a Capricorn through and through. I thought we'd be great together, after all, my dad is a Cap and my best friend is a Cappy, and why did this not work out? Oh, I could blame myself (hey, I am a Cancer, that's what we do) (Until we start blaming you) and then I realized he was TOO Capricorn. You see, I love jokes. I adore goofyass ridiculous jokes, and I often make fun of myself, because in my Cancer mind I'm able to joke about the things that I am most okay with, like, say, calling myself a big nerd or a goobernut. As an ubercapricorn, however, my date was unnerved by my dorkiness, wondering when the spotlight would shine on him and reveal his Inner Flaws. I know ya'll say you don't mind your little quirks, but boy are ya'll sensitive to even implied future criticism. Are you sure you aren't just a bunch of Cancers in disguise? Look, the bottom line is that we are not making fun of you, and even if we are we do it because we're callous dorks who love you. Embrace the love. Embrace the dork inside.

Posted by laurie at October 2, 2006 6:47 PM