« About last night. | Main | Grammar and traffic, you know it's a Monday. Whoops. »

October 27, 2006

I tried a Freudian slip but it was a size six and would not fit over my behind.

Dear Inner Fat Child,

Hi! How's it going and everything? And also, as soon as I decide to lose five pounds with ardent maniacal fervor, why the HELL did you make me watch that one episode of Anthony Bourdain where he goes to Mexico and the Texas border, and I was all like, "Look! It's my people! Love ya'll!" and I was so excited and happy and then WITH THE CHICKEN THAT HAS CHEESE STUFFED INSIDE AND IS WRAPPED IN BACON AND GRILLED.

I hate you, Inner Fat Child.

Because every single night this week I have had some form of the cheese-chicken-bacon rollup, as if I have made the new sushi and it has a lovely bacon exterior instead of that icky-tasting seaweed stuff.

But I digress. Why mention something as grossifying as seaweed when there is chicken wrapped in bacon to rhapsodize? Oh, what's that? You want the recipe, Inner Fat Child? YEAH. YOU WOULD.

It's so easy, even for a cooking-challenged firestarter like myself. Because really it's just like making crafts, like those fimo clay beads I was nuts about a few years ago, or the Play-Doh creations of my (your) youth. And you get to use bacon to glue everything together! Bacon tastes WAY better than Play-Doh and I know that you, Inner Fat Child, fully understand why it is I can speak on that matter with some authority, ahem.

There isn't really a whole recipe or anything. First you make the chicken breasts really thin by beating them into submission with a special meat-pounder mallet thing I purchased specially for this very dish. Yeah, I made a trip to Target at 8 p.m. on a school night to buy the special meat hammer. (Ha ha!! Meat hammer!!)

Then you make the flattened chicken wonderlicious by putting cheese on it, and other stuff to taste, and rolling it into a little yule log of meat-cheese-stuff. Then you wrap BACON yes I said BACON around the whole thing, secure with toothpicks and put on the grill over low heat until your are drooling with anticipation. If it doesn't cook the chicken all the way through (like for me on the first night when I didn't hammer the chicken thin enough) (ha!ha! hammer the chicken!!) you just put it in the oven on 350 degrees for a few minutes to cook through.

This has been my week. No, really. THANKS A LOT, INNER FAT CHILD:

The Filling, Night One: Neufchatel cheese with fresh minced jalepeno pepper and garlic. Spicy! Yummy!

The Filling, Night Two: Leftover filling from night one, plus a tiny bit of cumin and a dallop of salsa.

The Filling, Night Three: Goat cheese with sun-dried tomatoes and fresh garlic.

The Filling, Night Four: Cave-aged gruyere and thinly sliced cherry tomatoes a piece of ham lunch meat, YES I AM PUTTING MEAT INSIDE MEAT. And wrapping it in what? Guess! Really, guess! MORE MEAT.

Boy, the losing five pounds is going awesome!

Actually, though, it is going awesome, NO HELP FROM YOU AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. In a fit of cholesterol-saturated horror, I looked at my diet for the past few days (read: bacon chicken yule logs and green salad, as if a green salad could balance this out? really?) and I dicovered I was eating THE PERFECT ATKINS DIET.

Ergo, I am now totally fully on the Atkins Diet! Doesn't that rock! Like I planned it all along!! HAH HAH TAKE THAT INNER FAT CHILD. Sure, my version is more the "Chicken Yule Log Atkins diet" but whatevs. You say Play-doh, I say Play-Mah-Doh.

The one who has a meat hammer



Posted by laurie at October 27, 2006 8:38 AM