Amen, Sister!

It does surprise you; what leaps up and smacks you in the face when you're doing just fine, thanks.

I left my husband and his lovely children in 1998 and there was a girl in the pizza place last night who made my heart hurt for his daughter whom I love and who would not be that age any more, but still......

Thanks for sharing.

Someone? Someone who?? Cmon, spill!! :-)

I think my husband and I are forgetting how to talk to each other. We have 2 little ones who make conversation difficult, but I cringed right along with you at the whole Reaching for the Paper thing. In our house it's Reaching for the Laptop.

I must figure out what to do about this. It hurts.

love this entry. you are so right about it all. snuggle with the furballs for me and stay strong! you're awesome. :o)ek.

The toughest reality of marriage is we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and unhappiness - no matter how much we want to put it off onto our partners. I finally figured out that my baggage would be waiting for me in whatever marriage/relationship I entered- so I should figure out the path to my own bliss (Dude, how Californian) while married. I think that is the biggest marital lesson for me to date.

I am a huge believer in kharma. If the lesson isn't learned in this life (marriage) it still has to be learned and it will reappear in the next incarnation.

Laurie, I think that's the hardest lesson to learn, that changing spouses isn't going to solve anything really. I know this. But my husband (separated still) doesn't. Sigh. He'll have to learn the hard way, if he ever does.

Thanks for this post. Your clarity is wonderful.

I'm what, 4.5 months out from the ex-fiance dumping me, and I'm constantly getting smacked in the face with echoes. But on the other hand, its good, because then the new guy acts completely different in the same situation, and it reminds me that the ex-fiance was an ass and a half.

(Not that I should necessarily be dating, but hey, I made it 3 months before meeting a new guy, whis is an all time record for me. And I'm just enjoying the now. Or so I say. This is sooo going to turn out badly. Heh.)

Look how far you've come....I'm so proud of you!! It's been 2 years and you are much more self-assured. I heard someone say (on the View?) that the little quirks you think are cute in the beginning of a relationships are the very same things that you despise at the end.

Bravo, sweetie. BTW, what did you make for dinner??

How's the Jeep???

As crazy as women are, I still think men are crazier. Women accept and try to fix their craziness. Men tend to blame or hurt women for theirs. Just my opinon.

Gail -- you know, there aren't any timelines. It took me FORever to date but I had ten years of really bad baggage to haul around. My luggage and I wouldn't have fit in some guy's car to even GO on a date! I'm glad you're just enjoying it righthere-rightnow. That's what I'm doing, too. Isn't that all we can do?

Nancy, it's just, you know. Someone. :)

Liz! I made this chicken dish I'm addicted to now. Hey, I'll post the recipe tomorrow maybe. mmmmm.

bwblogs: YES YES YES

Mary: He might never figure it out. I don't think mine will. It makes me sad for him ... for like eight-tenths of a second....

Suzie, that's it exactly, just a little thing and you're right back there feeling something from years ago.

Pyewacket, I know that feeling. I do, I definitely do. I wish I would have found a way to change it.

My mom, almost thirty years after leaving my dad (for many good reasons and some not-good ones) still cringes if someone reaches for the paper at the table. My hubby and I often read together, and we're fine with that, but it drives my mom crazy. All these years, and she still gets echoes.

You're so right that we're all a little crazy and not all that different. Don't forget that we also tend toward similar people in our lives. Add that into the mix, and it's even less likely that spouse-hopping will solve anything.

Hope this week is better. Hugs!

Oh, Liz, the someone mentioned above fixed my Jeep enough so that it's running to get me back and forth to the metro lot until Saturday when I can take it in. OK, listen: nothing is sexier than a man who can fix a car. NOTHING.

Psychomom, me and jen were talking about how it is that we think about things in the relationship, deconstruct them, analyze, wonder, ponder, fear, suspect, hope, wish, etc. And how men are crazy in the ways that are so different, at least different from the way she and I are crazy.

And I agree that women tend to want to change/better themselves. My ex would just say, "I'm secretive. That's the way I am." as if it were some fabulous quality, something he had no intention of changing, and it made him mad that I hated his secretiveness.

You have to understand... mean are like babies. They see a newspaper or a TV and their attention just turns to it. There's really only one cure for this -- cleavage. Then he won't notice the newspaper, even if you put it under his nose.

It's so true: Only we can make ourselves happy or unhappy. Some people are happy/sad/angry/apathetic/lazy/(insert emotional personality here), and that's just the way they are. It's no one's fault, and only they can change it.

Another hard lesson to learn is that sometimes we can love someone very much, but we might not like them at all. Many people never learn this, or understand it.

*smooch*

Neil. You speak the truth.

Word.

And hi everyone! It's Thursday! Soba called to say she isn't fat and she will kill me in my sleep.

You know what a male friend of mine told me?

He told me that men are more messed up than women, they just talk about it less. :)

My challenge is to remember not to punish the current person for the former nutbag's issues... My ex used to come up with the most bizarre and complex ways of wanting to accomplish the most straightforward tasks, and it drove me up a freaking wall. My current beau mentioned that he wanted to do one thing in a more time-consuming way than usual, and I had to bite my tongue from saying No! Bad idea! Bad bad bad!!! *sigh* Even though it's a good idea. I know I'm crazy, but I'm trying my damnedest not to be crazy AT him, you know?

I'm willing to bet that this is just more unintentionally boorish behavior to be laid right at the feet of mamas that never bothered to teach their boys any better.

It might be good for his obliviousness and your own communications chops to tell him gently and humorously that "Dining at Chez Purl is an interactive experience, please turn off all electronice communications devices, reading materials and put your ears in a full upright conversational position.".
(If he's too stupid or deliberately thick to respond to nicely--then kick his now KNOWN-to-be-deliberately-boorish ass to the curb!)

And you're right- it also can't hurt to limit temptation and keep all things newspapery and readable out of sight. Just like we've found that ALL legos must be not only off the table but out of line of sight in order for my nephew to eat dinner undistracted.
(sigh) Some things jest never change....

"I'm secretive."

REALLY? He actually said THAT?

OMG! You really cannot make this stuff up, can you???

Why not just say, "I'm a selfish bast**d and I have no intention of letting you get close to me or share anything because I'm sooooo much better than you" and be done with it.

Loser. Honestly, I would have been tempted to smack him upside the head with a cast-iron skillet. In the words of "Weird Al" Yankovic, Mr. X must have delusions of adequacy.

Glad to hear the Jeep is fixed - and yes, there is nothing sexier than a man who can fix things!

Hugs to you and all your fine kitties!

Laurie,
Nothing turns me on more than when my husband comes in covered in grease and oil and tells me my car is running great! He even bought one of those mechanic jumpsuits (Dickies?) to work in.
Delicious!!!
PS: did you get my package??

After 10 years of a horrible relationship, my husband was kicked out of the house by his often drunk, often loud, sometimes abusive ex. Not that he was a saint. Different cultures, different expectations. Five years down the road he and I met and six years later we married; we've been married for nearly 17 years and he is the most wonderful man I could ever imagine. His bad experience taught him the need to communicate as well as the fact that he never wanted to go through the pain of a divorce again. He fixed himself (okay, I helped), and taught me to ALWAYS keep those lines of communication open.

Prior to their divorce, his ex was running around with a married man. After several years of this, the ex's lover divorced his wife and married another woman. They then were divorced and the guy once again took up with my husband's ex. They have been in this relationship 25+ years.

Crazy? In this case, a woman threw away a perfectly wonderful man (IMO) in search of something elusive in a man who was married, cheated on her with another woman, married the other woman, then said, "hey, I'm back."

So, there's all kinds of crazy. You just can't judge. Not that you would...

It's a funny thing: DH and I are both total bookoholics. Also newspapers, magazines, blogs, just about anything with words and sentences strung together, print or online, doesn't matter. We agree at the start of a meal that either both or neither of us will read, and we will often read each other stuff, or in the car on the way to work sometimes I'll knit (which bothers him just a tiny bit in the same way, so I try very hard to carry on a coherent conversation even while attempting complex knitting maneuvers, or to have mindless car knitting, and not to knit all the time) but sometimes I'll read him whatever newspaper article catches his eye, often with my own editorial embellishments. (I should probably add here that he always drives.)

All of which is to say that reading can be a shared thing or a wall between two people -- and, come to think of it, almost anything could be, even conversation. I have known people, nearly all of them male, strangely enough, whose sole purpose in talking was to display their brilliance, and who listened only for holes to poke. (Some of these men were married to very nice women. It's one of life's mysteries.)

I wouldn't write off Newspaper Guy just yet -- maybe some article caught his eye, and maybe next time he'll read it to you. Or not. You never know.

I've always said "if you stick all the men in a bag and shake it up, when you pull one out, it may look a little different, but it's still the same old thing."

Law of Relationships (I forget who said it): Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Terri's Corollary:
The trick is to find someone just as crazy, but no crazier, and to realize that there are many different flavors of crazy...

Liz, Stella atthe mail place is holding a "buttload of stuff" (her words not mine LOL) since I have been spending weekends in OC with grandma, but I'm picking up everything this weekend :)

you made dinner ;)

I didn't think it was good idea to post that pic with the rather unflattering butt angle. She is gonna get you!

On the other hand, I blame the photographer for making her look a tad "wide."

Kisses to the Soba Tator. Don't tell her I called her that.

Terri, I've been saying for years that I married my husband because I knew so few other people from my home planet, which may be another way of stating Terri's Corollary. (I plan to quote TC. I hope you don't mind.)

"I'm secretive, that's just the way I AM"???!!!

Jesus man, why wouldn't a woman hate that??? 'Cuz EXCUSE ME- but to MY little meta-message-detector that just says,

"I'm a devious bastard who gets his kicks out of withholding information so I can always keep the upper hand. And what's more, that disclosure allows me to justify being a big fat cowardly LIAR via omissions because I'm "packaging it' as a quirky part of my personal mystique."

Wow, Laurie, you are SO lucky that you got rid of that bastard before part of his "secretiveness" included a lovely STD notice from the Health department!

You're right- his changing wives solved none of his problems, because the problem is HIM. But on the brighter side- it set you free, and now that you've had your eyes so unpleasantly opened, you know how to screen for lurking secretive bastards now!

My friend took her mom, who is long divorced, to a ballet. The lead female was in love with some prince who ultimately turned into a tree or something and couldn't marry her. My friend's mom turned to her and said, "She's better off, don't you think?"

If the fates are kind, SHE ignores HIM when he wants to talk or be acknowledged.

I would have too.

Holy sh--! RB's friend's Mom's comment (above) made me spit coffee. So very, very true.

Kuddos to you, Laurie. You just get stronger everyday and I'm so proud of you.

god, i have the same cringing reaction when someone reaches for a paper at dinner. i haven't dated anyone who does it, but i am the only member of my family who doesn't do it (dad, mom, and brother all do---even sometimes when we go out to eat!!). it always made me feel so fucking lonely.

Oh! And I'm not giving up on him, Lucia, nothing of the sort. It was just weird how I got such a frisson of ickiness from it. But it wasn't the same at all. He was still plugged in, unlike certain ex husbands we know.

Good for you on the dinner and the revelation.

We ARE all nuts. I like to think that any SHE is way nuttier than I or you could ever possibly imagine to be.

:)

Yes, women are Crazy, but at least we are interesting.

Glad you are marching forward. Also, a nice point of perspective on the New Wife.

My ex used to BUY THE NEWSPAPER before we went out to eat. It used to hurt and piss me off, but now I realize HE was the boring one who couldn't think of anything interesting to say. All women are good crazy, some men are bad crazy.

When I first met the current guy I'm seeing, I was telling a friend that it won't last, because we both have too much baggage. And she said that it doesn't matter if you both have baggage, as long as together it makes a matched set. Or is at least interesting to look at.

Do you think maybe stuff like this happens because the people we are attracted to over and over again have the same traits over and over again? My husband's best friend recently got remarried. We knew the ex-wife really well, and now the new wife is exhibiting some of the same behaviors. We have to keep reminding ourselves that the new wife is a different person, but it's hard not to think, "here we go again!"

On the bright side of things, I am my husband's second wife. When those things started to happen, and I think they always do, he faced his fears, talked to me about them (because how was I supposed to know that I was doing something that reminded him of his ex) and we sailed through. So if you like this guy, talk to him. Communication and how he reacts to it will tell you way more than him reaching for the newspaper during dinner.

Hoo boy, it took me a loooong time to realize I wasn't responsible for my ex-husband's happiness. I was so busy trying to make him feel happy (when he truly didn't want to be), that I was miserable myself.

If Mr. X is relying on his new wife to make him happy, he's going to spend the rest of his life in a vicious circle.

Well, now, I do love me a man who is handy. And the coveralls, oh yeah, the coveralls.

Glad your jeep is sort of running and I cannot wait to see the chicken recipe.

Tingles Laurie, tingles....
Reading that made ME feel better about my own craziness. You have a great way of explaining the tough life stuff that we all go through, but feel so alone when it's staring us in the face.

p.s. because you have so many loyal readers/commenters/lurkers... any knitters looking for another great cause to knit for - info is on my blog at this address: http://brixknitz.blogspot.com/2006/10/holiday-do-gooding-knitters-wanted.html

I can relate! On another note..."he" and "it" are new, I assume. if that's the case, you need to put him in the trash bin because any man who would do anything except (a) look at you or (b) talk to you or (c) rave about the dinner you prepared for him doesn't deserve your time. Or your cooking. Especially when it's new.

I've been married forever, and my hubbie and I have been in marriage counseling a few times...when we can't resolve something on our own.

But I think it's perfectly fine to say something like, 'Are you ignoring me? 'Cause when you reach for the paper instead of talking to me and you're not even looking at me when I talk to you, it feels like you're ignoring me.'

And then just step back and see what the reaction is. A good man will apologize and say it's a bad habit he's picked up because he eats alone a lot...he just needs to be reminded when he does it.

Also, I don't expect my husband to make conversation much, 'cause he's not a very talkative person...not everyone is. (But I live in Minnesota, where NO ONE is very talkative.) But I DO expect him to listen to me when I'm talking, and also, laugh at my jokes.

I firmly believe in telling people when something bugs you.

Good luck!

Laurie,

Will you please put this on your site? I go here everyday and click to feed animals. I am just looking for ways to spread the word.

Thank you!!!!!

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites.woa

Actually, I mean I didn't expound on this because ya'll know I'm quiet about the personal life stuff on this front, it's just ... hard to write about current events LOL. Especially when I'm just figuring them out! But was fine, a fine evening, a much better October 25th than I had envisioned :) Just that one moment, you know? Threw me for a loop.

But then it was different from mr. x because (this guy)reached for the paper, looked at the circuit city and best buy ads and then began to point out to me all the movies he wants and/or already has on DVD from the ads. It was cute.

So it was different, not the same at all. It was me that had the "moment" because it reminded me of eight years of silence and secrets and dinners with someone who never saw me.

Also, I love reading all the comments today, thank you! I love seeing everyone's different perspectives, and I love that sometimes I'm worried about something (like: "oh my god, do other women ever feel this way??") and it's SO GOOD to know I'm not alone in my nuttiness.

What did you make for dinner?

*the you-know-what arrived and I need further instructions on what to do with it...I'm just saying* ;)

drew I will call u tonight :)

I'm so glad you explained his further behavior, because male or female, if I cooked for someone and they picked up the paper at the table, it had better be followed by some sort of 'look at this'!

Good luck fending off Soba's wrath. I have been known to threaten my cats with photoshopping in a "wide load" sign. (And I just got a new camera that has enough bells and whistles, I may be able to do that on the screen.) How do they manage to look wide in some shots and narrow in others? Cat mystery...

I know all about being ignored at the dinner table, sister. My soon-to-be-ex-husband (please, God, let it be SOON!) could be easily distracted by anything technological. At my birthday dinner at a lovely restaurant in Cambridge, MA two weeks before our first anniversary, he spent the ENTIRE time fiddling and obsessing with his new phone. How insulting and hurtful is it to be thought less interesting - on your birthday, no less - than a stupid phone? I'm wishing in hindsight that I'd just excused myself to go to the bathroom and left him with the check and without a ride home. ;-)

On another note, I've been reading your blog for about a year now, and I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed your humorous and poignant writing. You've helped this fellow Southern gal knitter make it through a difficult year of separaton and pending divorce and another Northeast winter! Many thanks!!!

Okay, okay! Jeesh! I know the someone is more than just a someone, but fine, I'll try to be patient.

LOL at Soba :-) She's got a big ole butt, oh yea!

Trust me, they're not all alike. From years of "training" I expect the same reaction from my sweetie as the ones that came before him. Even after 3 years with him, I'm still amazed that he hardly ever reacts the way the jerks did.

us vs them. We talk about it, they don't.
My husband teaches 4th graders all day long. When he gets home from work it is impossible to pull his attention away from the TV or magazine he has his hands on. After all these years of being frustrated because of his distraction, I have come to realize that he recharges his batteries this way. Your dinner guest may not have the same excuse but I would imagine he meant no disrespect by reaching for the paper. Perhaps he is still just a little shy being around such a noted celebrity....

Women may be crazy, but boys are stupid. And easily distracted by boobies and shiny objects. The trick is knowing how to use these things to your advantage.

My God, did this ever resonate with me.

I had 23 years of "baggage". I have been remarried for 12 years. I tried to "fix" my baggage at first and finally realized it is a part of what makes "me" be "me". I would be a very different person if I had not gone through all of it. I will agree, however, that women at least try to analyze the situation and themselves to see if they understand what went on. And, of course, we just talk more.

I read your blog every day - and am disappointed the days you don't post. I feel for you, honey. Just remember, we Southern women are tough. We have grit!!

shiny objects!!!

(wait, I'm easily distracted by pretty sweaters and soft yarn.......)

Definitely not the same, right ladies??

You Southern gals know how to work the of-course-it's normal craziness in a cute, colorful way; the rest of us just try to hide our weirdness lest we frighten the neighbors. Glad you had a nice dinner, he sounds promising. He got the Jeep functional, maybe he'll get your motor running too! Woohoo!

I don't know what they call you when you have a date set to be married and your fiance dies, but that is the boat I have been sailing in for the past few years. Dating has been disappointing to say the least. Well, ok... its a freak show. Men definitely don't know how or do not care to 'date' properly. Your blog has made me feel 'normal' as I can "second that emotion" as far as your experiences that you have related. I think that you have come up and extremely important point regarding dysfunctional people that think that their unhappiness or lack of fulfillment is the fault of an outside source, i.e. spouse, and that a presto-changeo will solve the problem. Specialists say that we tend to date the "same person" in a different package. What puts you so ahead of the game is that you caught that immediately with the newspaper thing and did not project all the associated junk relative to Mr. X on the new guy. Granted, it is kind of weird to pick up a paper like that and read it, but maybe that was his after dinner relaxation and he felt really comfortable with you. At any rate, your blog is a social service as far as I am concerned. Don't stop blogging... your following needs you:):)

If this old dog is learning some new tricks, you can too! I swore after divorce #1 I would never do it again. Never say never. I'm in the middle of divorce #2. I recently stumbled across Dr. Neil Clark Warren's (the eHarmony.com guy) book "falling in love for all the right reasons." BINGO! Those red flags are poppin' up like fireworks. Read this book and read it soon!

Wow, great comments and how interesting that so many of us can completely relate...once my ex and I had a two hour car trip, I deliberately didn't say one word to see if he would and, of course, he didn't. When I first started my now 2nd husband, he was quiet during meals at restaurants which completely freaked me out...I felt like if we weren't talking through the whole thing we were doomed. Thank goodness I realized it was my issue and not his. That's what happens when an introspective Cancer meets an outgoing, very talkative Gemini!

Hi Laurie,

This is my first comment, but i've been reading for a long time!

Jennifier's line "Women are crazy," she said. "I mean, men are crazy, too. In their own ways. But women are crazy." - that really says it all! I don't think it could have been said better!

Thanks for the giggles, and distraction from work :)

In my not so humble opinion, not just the fact that Mr X left, but also the way he left, the things he said, etc, show him to be a small person. With issues. I don't care who he married, that won't go away. No one else can make it go away.
Glad you are gaining wisdom and perspective through it all....... : )

My dear departed Aunt Mary used to say, "Women want to be loved. Men want to be entertained. That is the fundamental difference between the sexes, and nothing can be done to change this."

Your post sure hit a chord. Even many years after a Bad Relationship Thing, anything that reminds you of it can set you off.

I say next time you snag the newspaper before he can. hehe

It's been years since my divorce from H#1 aka Practice Husband, and yep, I still get the echoes too. But H#2 (the joy of my day), understands and we just keep muddling along. Whoever said there all flavors of crazy is so right. Just got to find the right crazy!

Laura,

Marriage/relationships are tough even under the best of circumstances and in every relationship, there will be communication issues, and issue where one person thinks there's a problem and the other wont.

If you get 30%-40% compatiblity you're doing great. The big thing is everyone changes every 7 years. You're not the same person you were 7 years ago, and you wont be that same person you are today in 7 years. Both partners have to grow in the same direction or grow apart.

To be honest, I think because Sydney and I got married later in life (I was 33, she was 40), and we didn't have kids, then we were able to grow together. Don't get me wrong, her and I can annoy each other to no end, but when a man hits mid 40's, we know we don't want to be alone when we're older, where women wouldnt want another man after the husband passes away.

Men ARE from Mars, women ARE from Venus. Communication is the key in any marriage. I even read Syd's blog, to see if I missed anything that she told me. (tonight has been 'HUH' night, both of us have had to repeat things we've said to each other. LOL.)

But there is one thing for sure in life, a man will do ANYTHING for the woman he really loves. If he won't, then he doesnt' really love her.

I will admit this here and I told my sisters about it as well. I kick the shit out of my husband when he is sleeping at night, if he really pisses me off. I even woke him up one night and had to apologize! I made up some excuse, and said my foot was itching and I was using his leg to scratch it. He went back to sleep.
I married one of those men who loves to talk it out. He can talk it to death and when he finally decides to listen to me, it does work out.
I know how you feel that this one man might be like loser boy who walked away. Just think if he walked away from you so easily, it will be super easy to walk away from his current wife a lot easier. He may be on the road to many marriages.
My theory about relationships is that you really won't find one if you are looking. If you are totally fed up with all men and have pretty much given up, then Mr. Right will come walking through a door and it will hit you in the face like a bolt of lightning.

Thank you for sharing this lovely observation. As a woman who struggles to keep the ghost(s) of her own Mr X safely tucked in the closet, (so many Mr Xs, so few closets) ... well, this helps. This and a cantankerous feline and knitting socks...

whatever runs the universe (if anything) has a wicked sense of humor.

when i was married, my arthritis was a bee-otch. but i worked while he was jobless, took heavy-duty meds, tended the kids and house and garden, kept things together until i could stand it no more. divorced him and have been mostly-happily single (haven't even dated) for a decade.

within a few months of the final decree, x married again. less than a year later, wife had a relapse of a serious illness that had begun but gone undiagnosed and into remission in her teens. several years later, she remains seriously ill and he's out of work. again. they're poor as church mice.

i've got a paid-for house and can look forward to a retirement in which cesar cat food won't qualify as a gourmet treat. and, by the way, my arthritis is much less severe now, even though there's a decade more wear and tear on my bones.

my only regret is that, if he was the alternative i didn't have my kids by artificial insemination! unfortunately, i stayed with him long enough that my kids got the idea that women work, men watch tv or play video games. my son seems to still believe this. next time, my daughter will find a man who works as hard as she does, or she won't marry.

a jimmy buffett song says, "if we weren't all crazy, we would go insane."

there's a difference between the two, believe me.

women are crazy: we put up with stuff we shouldn't, in the hope that things will get better.

men are just insane: they keep doing the things that they know drive us crazy and/or are just plain wrong, but keep expecting us to overlook such things . . . or forgive them . . . or not to make a big deal of it because it's not important that they put a fist through the wall, or terrified the children over a simple prank, or think it's more important to watch canadian football or college lacrosse than to notice what the kids are up to . . .

there ARE men worth marrying. but there are a lot that aren't even worth having dinner with even if they're paying, let alone worth cooking for. i'm just saying . . .

The reason that so many of us cringe when someone reaches for the paper at the table is because it's RUDE.

It's just me and my 12 year old son at my house, but we have dinner every night and talk. No paper, no laptop, no tv. He is a very slow eater and sometimes I have to force myself to stay at the table instead of taking care of all those things that need to be done...but I do stay and it's alway a precious time.

EVERYONE is crazy in some way.
I am the quirky-and-adorable kind of crazy. My ex's 24 year-old twinkie girlfriend, whom he dumped me for, is psycho crazy.
And he's asked me three times in the past two weeks if we could try family counselling, so I think he's tiring of her brand of crazy.
BTW, I've spent the past two years growing, as you have, and he hasn't changed at ALL. He's exactly the same arsehole he's always been. I don't think he'll ever have a mature relationship with a woman.

I like this line. I can't remember where I got it though...
Have you ever noticed that the one thing that never changes in any of your relationships is...you?
(not about YOU of course, but the evil ex)

I would be wary of a casual boyfriend who would read in front of me when we're supposed to be talking together. At that stage of the game he's supposed to be enchanted!

I would be wary of a casual boyfriend who would read in front of me when we're supposed to be talking together. At that stage of the game he's supposed to be enchanted!

Thank you so much for this. Really. The man, or should I say boy, that I was going to marry has a older, pretty thing in his arms right now. I guess at my age, older is more competition than younger. But that's beside the point. He said I was all his pain and none of his happiness. And for two years, small things people do will hurt, because that's what he did, day to day. But after reading this, I realize that he always chooses the same kind of girl, so that he can have someone to blame for being unhappy.

So thank you.

Well said, Laurie. I've only been reading your blog for a little while (a few months), but can totally see where you're coming from. My ex-fiance got cold feet 3 months ago from his own issues that he could never manage, and his echoes (and still some of the heartbreak) are still sometimes present in the tender beginnings of my new relationship. It's a weird thing to experience. There are two or three books, though, that I can only recommend. They're all by Barbara De Angelis and are called _Are you the One for Me?_, _Secrets About Men Women Should Know_, and _What Women Want Men to Know_. The new boy in my life actually suggested that we read them together, just because they're interesting and would get us to communicate better. And you know what? They have.

(Sorry to respond so late; I'm trying to catch up after getting out of the hospital...)

I've been married 19 years to a wonderful, sensitive man. We usually don't talk over dinner, unless we're in a restaurant and we talk until the food comes. Not sure what that says about us, other than if we talked more, we'd eat less ;-) Part of the problem is we think too much alike and believe in pretty much the same values, which doesn't lead to a good conversational debate.

Dinners aside, he frequently asks if I'm all right, if I'm unhappy about anything. He's better at it than I am, I'm embarrassed to say. So I don't think it's the "reading at the table" problem as much as it is the "giving a damn about your partner" problem.

That said, I've got triggers of my own from childhood that still make me shiver over twenty years later. My husband makes sure I get the seat at the restaurant with my back to the wall, and he never comes up behind me to hug me without warning. It's strange that the thing you've written about that makes you feel safe and loved is the thing that makes me cringe. Life makes different triggers for everyone, I guess.