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September 29, 2006

Could I speak to your supervisor please?

Hi, if ya'll run into my ex-husband this weekend or also anyone from the Automobile Club of Southern California, would ya'll give them a friendly hi-to and also a swift kick to the soft and pink regions?

Hey. How's ya'lls Friday going?

So, I'm driving down to see my grandma here in the next few days and I decided against taking the train since I would have to get someone to pick me up and shuttle me around so on and so forth and then I waited too long to rent a car and ya'll know. It has been a really long week and I'm tired and need a wine IV. Anyway, I thought, "Hey! No problem! I have Triple-A, and I'll buy an upgraded membership so I have lots of towing mileage, and I am all set. Me and The Jeep Of Despair will travel unhindered, and if hindered, we shall have coverage. Life is good and also, soon to be grape-infused."

Fucking Triple-A.

(Oh, also! I forgot to mention I'm a teetiny bit angry so there will be bad words, because I am Tacky and also Trashy and also Really Bleeping Pissed Off. But I will try to keep it to a minimum.)

Today I called Mean Horrible Triple-A and told them I wanted to upgrade (read: I will pay you more money for a service I may never need) to the expanded towing membership, or whatsit.

The person on the end of the line told me that was impossible.

Me: Impossible? Like Britney being cute again impossible? Or like men having babies impossible?

Person: (silence)

Me: I mean to say, HOW IS THIS IMPOSSIBLE? I have money and would like to upgrade. I have a great driving record. I'm nice. And did I mention I want to pay for this service which you do offer, you offer it right?

Person: You must be a member for one full year before you can upgrade.

Me: Oh! See, OK, that's no problem.

Person: You've only been a member since July.

Me: Yes, but that's because I was a member for ten years, before all this, I mean, my divorce, you know? I even have my old card right here, with my old membership number and my name on it and it says right on the card "Years As Member: 10" but my ex-husband sort of dropped me from the policy without telling me. So I didn't know, you see? HE DIDN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME. And so I had to buy a new membership but I have been with ya'll a long time. You could check. I love Triple A.

Person: Yeah, uh, well I'm sorry but that's the rule.

Me: But it doesn't apply here. It's an actual fact. Because I HAVE been a member for ten years and now three months. I just have a new number. I mean it's not my fault my ex-husband is a big... uh... not nice person. But he shouldn't get credit for those ten years while I get nothing. I mean, HI! The judge already did that! Can't you help me here? I have my old membership card right here...

Person: Yes, I'm very sorry but I can't help you.

Me: Ya'll are a business, you ought to be able to see ...

Person: Yes, I'm very sorry but I can't help you.


And then I launched into a good fifteen minutes of how could she, as a woman, not see the intrinsic WRONGNESS in this scenario and why does he get all the credit for our JOINT membership when he is clearly the bigger bleephead? And also, I paid for that membership just as much as he did, from a JOINT account and also with ten years of doing laundry and dishes and GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT ELSE and hello? Are you still there?

Seriously, I think at some point she just set the phone down and walked out for a smoke break. I was full of righteous indignation. My words may have said "Please, nice person, won't you help me? I would love you so much if you could just help me..." but my message was all, "That's right! Ya'll betta recognize! This woman will NOT be denied!"

Yeah. That really worked. The "Can I speak to your supervisor?" and repeated calls back finally netted me someone who was at least willing to ask a supervisor on my behalf, and lucky me will find out in eight to ten days if I can PAY MORE MONEY TO THESE IGNORANT NO-GOOD UNDESERVING PROBABLY UGLY TRIPLE-A PEOPLE who seem to really have a LOVE of peckerhead ex-husbands and a real hatred of nice ladies named Me.

Anyway!

I'm fine now, because you see I simmered and stewed and carried on about the wrongness until I developed a PLAN. Yes, now if my Jeep breaks down, I have a SOLID PLAN. I think it is a very Good and also, Full Of Southern Ingenuity plan.

Upon breakage, I will call this roadside assistance club and have my Jeep towed to someplace at the VERY outer edges of my tow limit, toward my final destination. I am bringing both a Thomas Guide and a full-scale map of the area to be sure. Upon arrival at tow destination #1, I will get a coke and chitchat with the staff and be Very Southern and Nice, and then I will call AAA back in 30 minutes and request a new tow, to the wee outer edges again. Wash rinse and repeat for my third and final membership tow which will place me within easy access of my beloved Valley. At which point they will effectively have paid WAY more for all the towing than if they had merely allowed me to purchase a simple upgrade, for which I am qualified seeing as I have been a member FOR TEN YEARS.

Ya'll betta recognize! I have a plan!

You can't hold a good (read: ornery) Southern woman down. We may seem sweet on the outside, but we are just powder puffs disguising mack trucks. Or tow trucks, as the case may be.

Posted by laurie at September 29, 2006 4:37 PM