You're my hero.

It's amazing when I read your posts lately - you seem to be in such an amazingly different place - I hope it keeps getting better.

I'm no where near The Valley or CA - but I am laughing my ass off about the roasted marshmallows - it is such a when life gives you lemons comment ;)

Of course he'll laugh at your jokes: if he doesn't, you won't end up being with him for very long.

Marshmallows! They go in my emergency kit today.

Bravo, sweetie. I'm so proud of you!

Why does Los Angeles burn every year?? Is that when Smokey the Bear takes his vacation?

could ventura blvd really burn down?

I don't know, smokey joe. One year the fire marched all the way from the valley to Malibu and burned everything.

Fire season always makes me a little crazy.

dunno if you're a joni mitchell fan, but even if you're not, "both sides now" is just oh-so-fabulously gut- and heart-wrenching. sometimes i hear it and think how far i've come to know what it means. sometimes i hear it and bawl because i don't want to have to know. but it's there, and so so good.

{{{{Hugs}}}} You have us! I always laugh at your jokes.

I want to get to where you are. Thanks for showing the way.

Laurie, you are singin' my song. Alone is TIRING when you have to clean the gutters, take out the trash, worry about money.....but alone is amazing when you can do what you want- you don't need a permission slip, and you find out just what you are made of-we are all so much stronger than we know.

He better damn well laugh at your jokes, or it is NOT worth it. Honestly, what a lithmus test humor can be. If they do not get it, what else are they not getting? HMMM.....

The last guy I dated had no sense of humor. Needless to say, we are no longer seeing each other. I just NEED to be able to laugh at stuff, laugh at the abject horror or embarrassment or dorkiness of life. I bump into stuff and break stuff and do awkward things all the time... with this innate talent, one must be able to laugh.

Now, just imagine the posts you'll be writing this time next year - you're getting better all the time!

Pouring us a Chardonnay and tipping mine to you once again, Dear Laurie. Your new strength is an awesome thing. You go, Girlie.

Ah, sense of humor is one of the top 3, if not THE #1, important aspect of a friend/mate/human! Even if they're not funny themselves, if they can laugh and enjoy a good joke or situation or snarky comment, it makes life so much better.

Sending hugs, admiration and s'mores fixins to you!!

AMEN, SISTER.

Hey...Your valley's on FIRE!!

You're absolutely right you know. There's real value in knowing yourself alone, and real value in knowing that you DO want to share your life.

After all...it IS your life.

I, too, have been alone (almost 7 years now) and damn it, it was the best thing I could have ever done. And now my life is changing again, and I'm as afraid as the day I decided to go it alone.
BUT!

Feeling afraid isn't bad, it's allowing it to prevent you from being alive that's bad.
(Gosh, I'm full of pithy sayings today!)

Cheers to you Laurie. Being an adult isn't easy, but it's so worth it.

I thought the Valley was HOT because you lived there! Great post. You are strong. And there are actual men who DON'T laugh at your jokes?

You'll find your man, Laurie. And when you do, make sure he has an older brother that you can persuade to have an adventure travelling to New Zealand, and then sedn him to meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Yep - he will laugh. And he will tell you you're beautiful. And he will take care of you when you don't feel good. And he will know that when you say, "I'm ok" that you probably aren't but are being "brave" so you're not being a pain in the ass. And, if he's a particularly good one, he'll buy TWO bags of marshmallows, just because you want them.

The 'chick didn't think it was possible, that there were any good guys left...she hadn't found them, but there ARE. It's sorting through the crap ones that makes you lose your fear of hell.

Hang in there, CAP. You're doing great and you're learning valuable lessons about YOURSELF. They're horrible and hard sometimes, and funny as shit other times, but all worthwhile in the end.

Love ya (mean it)!

Rock on, Laurie.

(((((())))))

yummmmmmm s'mores

oh sorry got distracted... now what was I going to say?

*wondering if the graham crackers are still good.....*

Mmph mmm phup mump

*hard to talk with a mouth full of melted marshmallows!*

I hear you on the trying-to-get-everything-out-on-your-own feeling of scared. My husband fixes the planes that get people out. That means in an evacuation, I have to do it alone and go with my Girly, the dog, two cats and one fish. When I get there (wherever that is) I have to sit and wait and pray that he gets out too. The guys who keep the planes in the air and the pilots are the last ones out.
A man who can't laugh at stuff is a useless man.

You've come a long way, baby! **wink**

He MUST laugh at your jokes, and you must laugh at his. That's a cardinal rule for great relationships, right?

You're doing so well. You really, really are. (((((hugs)))))

How come your smoke looks all cool and shit and mine looks like smog? What's up with that?

Alone on your own terms is a wonderful gift that sometimes we don't see unless we've been alone with someone sitting next to us. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come. Of course, he'll laugh at your jokes. If he doesn't, Roy would fang him!

Having choices; it is the best thing we can treat ourselves to. You now realize you don't have to stay and be unhappy, since you learned that being alone wasn't terminal. You CHOOSE not to stay alone, but you will not accept anything less or compromise your happiness simply for the sake of no longer being "alone".

You've got the world in the palm of your hand, just be sure not to drop us!! Love ya!

the ones who laugh at your jokes are always keepers!

Hope you find a special someone who will enjoy the valley on fire with you :)

"I bump into stuff and break stuff and do awkward things all the time... with this innate talent, one must be able to laugh. "

Amen! Same here--always have, always will. I sometimes feel just as dorky and awkward as I did back in junior high, and I'm 38! Cheers to you, I just discovered this blog and it's excellent.

I know what you mean about alone in a crisis. I've been single for nine years and I've lived alone for six. Usually it doesn't bother me. In fact, most of the time I love it. But I've never felt so lonely as I did evacuating for Hurricane Rita last year. Alone in the car, 22 hours straight, just me and the cat. (And he was drugged up, pissed off, and not speaking to me.) It would have been such a relief to have someone else around.

I think, for me, the bad stuff just creeped in a little at a time. I mean, if he treated me like that at the beginning of the relationship, I would have told him to FOAD. But I was worn down, a little at a time, and made another sacrifice here, gave a little more there, and when he was finally gone I realized how bad it had been before he left. I think that's a lot of why people stay. They know it's not great, but they don't realize how much it truly sucks.
Oh yeah, and MMMMmmm toasted marshmallows...
(And I'm pretty sure that in a crisis, my former would have jumped in the car and left me to herd the dogs down the street on leashes, outrunning whatever disaster was coming our way. And it was my car.)

carrie -- FOAD -- *snort*

While posts like these do make me appreciate what I have with my husband, I think you've also idealized what it means to be with someone. More often than not, when there is a crisis, he's adding to it. Yes we share the experience, and yes, it's occasionally about mutual support, but sometimes, it's me hauling his ass through the tough stuff.

I don't want to be alone, but if I was, I wouldn't have to rescue two people in case of emergency.

Okay, that's wrong. I guess sometimes he hauls my ass too. Sorry.

Thank god for wiki...how have I lived without knowledge of the word *FOAD* this long???

Heh @ mollysusie....thank goodness for the Internets, eh?

Bravo to you, Laurie. You *shall* find the right guy. :)

((((((((hugs))))))))

:) I was trippin out last nite, too, checking out the red skies.

Red skies at nite. Woah-hoah.

The Fixx?

There's a lot of growth going on around this blog. And you help us with our growth processes too Laurie.

As for fire season - it scares me sometimes to think that CA even HAS a fire season! I worry about my Dad, in Calaveras County, surrounded by dry grasses in the summer. I'm a worry-wart, and it's not healthy! I worry about all the same alone-stuff too, and have for years. Luckily, there are rarely huge crises that require that kind of action. And if some huge crisis does arise, I like to think that human nature will take over and I (or we, as people) will react accordingly to survive. Sometimes people surprise themselves.

I swear CAP you and my fellow commenters are my therapy. I'm just at the beginning of this journey of aloneness. I have to resist the urge to run to another unhealthy relationship just so I'm not by myself. I love what Carrie said--the bad stuff just creeps in a little at a time. And in the end all you have left is a creep. Thanks, Laurie.

Who ever has the opportunity to have you in their life is going to be one lucky man!

You are great! Congratulations on your journey!

wow, great post today...

I knew that my husband was my one and only when I told him (at work) that the cookie he was eating looked just like something out of a litter box (it did, BTW) and he cracked up laughing and almost choked!!

Laughter is the one thing that can bond you to someone despite the level of banality and tragedy in every day life. It's gotten me through 17 years so far.

After picking a series of really bad boyfriends, I spent 10 years(!) alone, only dating occasionally. I did find my true self and learned why I was making such lousy choices. I was often told I was good alone, friends could not imagine me being paired with anyone. The quintessential single girl. Like you, my friends also said alone was better than coupled in a bad situation. And I totally agree with them. But, no matter how much you master that single life, lonely is real. I just think we were meant to be with other people (and more scientifically to find a mate). I think alone time is an optimal survival skill and growth tool. And I would not change a moment of those 10 years (well okay, I wish I would have gotten laid more often). But if it wasn't for the lonely feeling, I would not have been inspired to get out and make some better choices and meet my partner.

wow. what a difference a year makes. i'm glad you shared that with us.

such a lame comment by the way. i apologize.

don't worry, I promise to one day actually write something funny again.

I blame the maudlin on FIRE SEASON!!!

I was a divorce lawyer for 20+ years and am now a Family Law Judge. Trust me on this one. You will not be alone forever. Next time you will simply choose wisely, not out of fear of being alone but for what wonders the new person will add to your life. The women and men I represented who had the worse time during the divorce came out the other end healthy and happy.

Well, I say those things, i.e., "better to be alone and lonely than in a bad relationship" from the vantage point of being alone and lonely, (but only lonely sometimes). Like, for instance, yesterday, when the washing machine vomited all over my closet and bedroom floor and I had no one to help me and nothing to sop up the mess because all the towels were being washed inside the washing machine. Times like that are my equivalent to a fire in the valley. I survived it, though. And today, as I was feeling sorry for myself for having just spent a zillion dollars at Lowe's on a new washer/dryer, God quickly slammed my life into perspective as I watched a woman in the Lowe's parking lot lower her handicapped son in his wheelchair out of their handicapped van. What the hell am I whining about? I have my health, a home, a career, friends, extended family. My life is heaven compared to 90% of the world, I think, so I need to stop the self-pity.

laurie, you are super awesome and an inspiration. i can't even tell you how much i needed to read something like this today.

Mary in VA -- I think part of me appreciating my life more has come from seeing my grandma in the wheelchair now, and all the folks at the convalescent hospital. I know exactly what you mean!

It's also showing me that life is short. Life is so short! I want to grab it by the you-know-whats while I can, find love while I can still vigorously appreciate it (heh) and just live, live live.

You give a girl hope!

Laurie - It's almost like you have a little window into my world lately. Being alone is new for me. We're 2 weeks out from him leaving the house...and I have mostly clear moments (with the 3 year old, I have to be clear for her) but after she's in bed and the house is quiet and creaky and it's too late to call the trusty friends & family..it's hard to remember that it's all for the best and we're better off and I won't always feel alone. Thank you again for another insightful post to help me realize that light flickering at the end of this dark tunnel is not a train.

You're doing great, Laurie! It really is a process and I know what you mean when you wish someone could just give you a date when it's all going to be better. That was me a few years ago! But now you can see that you HAVE turned a corner, and things are getting better and you are happier and stronger - even if you are lonely sometimes.

If you want to be with someone in the future, you will. Make up your mind what you want, and go get it. You might find it useful, like I did, to just meditate on the qualities you want - even write them down. And I STILL swear by match.com. It's still dating, and dating still sucks, but it does speed up the process and eliminates some of the first-date awkwardness.

A man with no sense of humor is exhausting to live with. Mine likes silly jokes and puns, and we crack each other up. We were watching some silly 1960s Italian Sci Fi movie the other night, and one of the characters was reading off a string of numbers: 42, 27, 35, 22...and we both yelled "HIKE!" at the exact same moment and then spent the next 10 minutes laughing ourselves silly.

Enjoy the alone time while you can. Make a list of what you want and don't want in a relationship and then don't settle for anything less. I did it and so did my new hubby and we found each other 7 yrs. ago. Any man who can't appreciate YOU for what YOU are doesn't deserve a chance anyway!!! You are awsome!! You make me and my coworkers laugh on a regular basis. Stay strong!!

You are wonderful - strong, clear thinking, cleaned by the fire of despair. I'm so proud of how far you've come, Laurie.

Love and best wishes to you!

hee heee, you said "stuck it out"....

'Fess up,Laurie

What you were really afraid of was that you would come home and those darn kittiies would have drunk all the beer and be sitting on the couch with that "dude, you're home early! I mean...we weren't doing anything - really!"
look on their sneaky little faces,forcing you to confront the reality that they have an entire secret life when you're away!!

You are fantastic. I'm alone too, but it's ok most of the time! Especially with furry friends who don't remark rudely that you've almost drunk the whole bottle...at least in my case! XO

Oh..my..dog...

How can you not love a post and comments that include "fire..IN THE VALLEY" with "FOAD" and a Fixx reference.

And truly humor(and hand-holdin' dammit, Mr. X)is the key to success.

You have changed a lot, Laurie. It's been awesome to watch and made me want to be a better person!

What Carrie said, about the marriage: You get worn down a little at a time. Then one day, something happens, and you think, "Hey! I'm actually NOT happy! When did that happen?" You figure it out, and figure out how it happened, and you learn.

I'm soooo making a list...

Laurie.. you rock.

I'll bring the graham crackers and chocolate bars.

I stayed with someone far longer than I should have, partly out of stubbornness (he was too passive-aggressive to actually break up with me, or even admit that he wanted to, and I was bound and freakin' determined to MAKE HIM), and partly because I deep-down didn't 100% believe I could be alone. But I did, and I could, and now I have the husband I DESERVE rather than the guy I settled for.

Laurie,
I have to add to your man requirements. Yes, he must be funny and think you are funny, because you are. But he should also think he is the liuckiest man in the world to have gotten YOU. And, make him put forth some effort. I have always made everything very easy for the man in my life, and they don't value me. You value what you work for. I am not saying play games or go by the Rules, but require more of him than your first impulse may want you to. You are a treasure, a treat, and baby, you are a prize!!

You've come a long way, baby! Thanks for taking all of us on the ride with you. When you do meet someone deserving of you, introducing him to mom and dad has nothing on a plethora of protective internet friends!

And the next thing we know, you will have Estee Lauder ads up on your blog, and this will prove to us that you've made it.

Whoops! You *do* have Estee Lauder ads on your page now!

Congrats on being a survivor, Laurie! We all knew you could do it, and you did, with great style.

Marshmallows are a nice start but won't you also require some chocolate and graham crackers? Nothing says campfire like s'mores. Oh, and a nice red wine to wash it all down with.

Just sayin'...

Another brilliant post Laurie. Hope the fires stay well away and hope Grandma is doing well

The older I get the more I realize that the universe tends to unfold as it should. You should not, ever, feel ashamed for wanting someone. I usually hate when people tell me that "this too shall pass", but the truth is that it will pass. You might be the same when it does, and just as lonely, but I've found that sometimes just knowing that tomorrow will (ok, probably) come is enough.

And if you bring the marshmallows I'll bring the chocolate and graham crackers.

You can (mostly) relax about the fires. The one think I learned from working on a NASA wildfire project is that "fire is like a river that flows uphill". I don't know where you live, but your photos suggest that you live in the relatively safer flats.

See my post from a year ago. http://badmomgoodmom.blogspot.com/2005_09_01_badmomgoodmom_archive.html

Kismet or what?! Tomorrow is the day I have set to finally tell someone that I don't want to do this anymore and that I want to be alone. It's taken a long time to get to this stage...to realise I deserve better rather than second, or probably third best. I know it's going to be lonely at times but I'd rather do that then keep going where I'm going - which at the moment is nowhere!

When I'm done, out of here, on the way to getting my life sorted, I'm heading to your S'n'B Laurie so I can give you a big hug (I can be scary too!) to say "thank you". For saying what's in your heart and making me realise that however much we think we're the only one feeling this way in reality we're not. We're not too different. Everybody wants affection, respect, laughter...to have someone look up and smile that special smile that says "I'm so glad I've found you". It could be the biggest mistake of my life but you learn from mistakes and taking risks.

Life is way too short and I'd rather sit in the old folk's home at the end of my days looking back and thinking "I did that that" rather then "I wish I'd done that". Thanks Laurie.

Hey Laurie!

I went past a church in NYC one morning, the lettered sign read,

"WE ARE ALL ONE!"

On the way home I passed the same church. Either an "L" had fallen off, or someone had snagged it, and now the sign read,

"WE ARE AL ONE"

What a difference an L makes, huh?

I spent so many years alone - certain I'd never find anyone (I hadn't had anyone, so I was conviced that I was totally unlovable) Like the above commentor, I wouldn't trade those sad and lonely years for anything for the lessons I learned.

However, Sunday afternoons walking around lower Manhattan because I was bored and alone stick in my mind as one of the most desultory experiences of my life.

Friends and I would get together and talk about our 'dream man' - my top traits required were

1) Kindness
1a) Sense of Humor
2) Intelligence

And eventually a guy with all 3 fell out of the sky and into my mailbox - postal miracles do happen!

You are awesome! You are also a great writer which makes it an even greater pleasure to read your blog.

I was reading a biography on Gene Tierney (I love old movie star bios) and two things she said jumped out at me in regards to you, who I have never met but read. They were...

1) "Falling in love is a lark. Falling out of love is hard, and letting go is harder."

2) "Anyone who gets divorced, no matter how inevitable it was, goes thru a period of wondering if they will ever be able to care so much again - or have that much to give anyone else."

Just thought I would share that with you.

When it comes to what really matters, I think we're all alike. So, it's wonderful to come here and see true feelings exposed with so much clarity it makes me feel dumb for not having realized a couple of things about people -and myself- before. As you say, just like therapy but so much cheaper and fun and with waaay more feedback!

You go, girl, have a great weekend!

I logged some serious alone time and its made me able to really choose to be in my marriage. It would suck to divorce, but I do know that I can find moments of joy and satisfaction while single. That said, I don't want to be single, but there is a solace for me in knowing that I can wrangle the animals, housing, bills, 401K, vacations, etc. I find the knowing that I can survive single makes me more honest about getting what I want in my marriage -and that was something that only came after surviving (and thriving) in an extended period of single-dom. So way to go and thanks for calling out the smug-marrieds - I have so been guilty of uttering banal platitudes about the greatness of single-hood from my comfortably married vantage point. Which I hated when I was single but wanted to believe anyway.

I hate to admit it, but I have come to love the hues wrought by the burning hills around the Bay Area. I don't wish for fire and there is hell to pay in terms of asthma each time some mountain range burns - but the skies are stunning.

It's okay to feel lonely at times. The key is to not feel lonely all of the time. I've only been reading since the divorce and can honestly say I've seen you grow more comfortable with yourself. That is key when it comes to finding the right person. And that person is out there, Laurie.

Is it possible to be in the same place that you are if you've never been on the other side of the coin? Is the loneliness and longing, or self-knowledge/awareness/love any different if you've always been alone? I don't even have cats to come home too....VERY allergic, and little dogs aren't allowed. Thanks for the post.

So true. Been there. Felt lonely. Then, I had the sense to leave before losing myself in it somewhere. And, you're right, it helped me to recognize the real thing when I found it.

And, people do stay for the saddest reasons. Talking to someone just the other day... they've thought of leaving their spouse many times. Stayed because "he needs someone, and I'm that someone." Maybe I'm just selfish, but there's just no way I'd stay for that reason.

Laurie,
You're blessed to learn this at such a young age. I'm learning the same lessons in my mid 40's for most all of the same reasons as you (except with kids) and struggling with feeling stupid for having waited for so long (over 20 years!) But it's probably never an easy lesson to learn...no matter what decade you finally learn it.

still sucks sometimes though...

thanks for your blog.

78 comments on this post prior to mine, you are anything but alone and now that I've found this site, neither am I.

Weepy and maudlin are okay, as long as they bring the insight you need to keep going. You're blessed with wonderful writing skills and a sense of humor. You've brought me to tears before just because you're able to write about the things that I feel, too, but didn't realize that other people felt.

Yeah, feeling lonely is awful, even for someone who's independent. I hope you get lucky like I did and find a guy who tells you you're beautiful all the time, but still lets you do your own thing when you need to (even if it's sitting on the couch all day, knitting to CourtTV programs).

When I posted earlier that it was easier to be alone then alone with someone - I just wanted to pass on some wisdom, it wasn't a judgment. I've been single 9 years now and if given a choice I choose alone over just being with someone because at least it's quiet one in a while and I can fart in bed if I want to or eat cookies or whatever. (c:

All I have to say is that I'm so proud. Hugs!

for a long time, i did sit alone and he turned to me and said ... "you are pretty". but, it was not enough. he was mean. he was abusive. he wanted me to think he was the only one ,the only one that would love me as he did. i hope he's right. i hope no one ever loves me as he did. all he did was hurt me.

i agree with you whole heartedly on many points.

but, what i worry about is what about the "next" guy? will i trust him? will i trust myself?

i want good. i appreciate alone. i'm afraid of who will be next. has my vision been clouded? will i see a "good thing" when it's (he's) there ?

i don't want to be afraid, but i am.

and i don't have cats. i don't have pets. but, i DO have fleas!!!! WTF?!

Amen once again... sister of my heart.

You are so Cancer! And sadly, so am I. That said, the only guys I ever dated were Cancer, Aries and Taurus. Weird, huh? Not that I asked and then said "No, I can't date you" if it was different, just turned out that way. Dated one Sag, ewwww! No offense to those out there, but really bad for me.
Loved them all and love reading you,