CAP, I am so sorry you feel alone right now, but hon, you are hardly average!! I don't want to discount how you feel, but you really mean alot to many people! Me for example, I was feeling really depressed when I found your site. By the time I got done reading your site (3 hours later - !) my stomach hurt so hard from laughing and I had forgotten (almost) why I was depressed. You're wonderful and very rare!!! (((Hugs)))

Thank you for sharing your loneliness. (Doesn't that sound funny?) This is a beautiful post. I'm sorry that you feel it, but glad that you wrote it.

Oh, when I read that I just want to give a big hug! And a bottle of wine. Or maybe two.

Well, ya'll know. It happens, right? I figure I can't be the only lonely person out there. It's just... this was a long week.

A very long week.

I am sorry for your loneliness--know that many of us are here with you. And I reckon that you are not average---you are outstanding!

Lauri, you are SO not alone with all us out here - you just don't know us all yet. Do you know how many of us wait to hear from you every day - happy that we have met you? You have touched so many people. Yes, you may be physically alone in your apartment (with 4 sweet cats), but we are all out here, loving YOU.

Reading your post right now made me leave my very first comment ever (and I've been lurking here for well over a year now...). I just want to tell you, that yes! praying for love really does help sometimes. Back in 1999 I was deeply unhappy, my father had just died and I had been single for more than 3 years and had forgotten what it fells like to be hugged by someone else than my mom. It was St Johns Day (June 24), I was in Spain, where it is customary on this day to dip into the ocean three times at midnight and make a wish. I wished with all my heart for someone to love... My wish was granted 6 weeks later and I've been happy ever since. Please don't give up wishing! I just know that happiness is waiting for you right now. Nobody could be more deserving, that's for sure!
P.S. Please forgive my English, it's not my mother tongue...

Ya'll are lovely and adored. I love you, too. It is always one of the things I put on my grateful list!

Just weird to sit out here, late, crickets and quiet and wine and just know you're another night into So Alone. Just wonder when it will end. Stupid, really.

And I like being average, makes me feel better on those days I suspect I am Crazy, and therefore Colorful (read: unloveable)

I have been known to ask the universe for love in my life. I never specify; just ask for love. Often it shows up in the form of a new friend. I think that's how Grasshopper ended up in my life. Sometimes I end up with companionship, like the Child.

And I just knew that five four had to be the average height for women. You should see my journal entries from my freshman year of college bemoaning that fact. My "average" friends had no problem finding dates but I at five ten took much longer. Hmmm. I think that's why I like the Child. I can wear heels around him and he's still taller.

Dagny, Jen will argue that I am perhaps a tad shorter than the average. However, I aspire to be tall and one day will wake up a fabulous five ten myself ;)

Average isn't all bad. In fact, there is occasionally some comfort in simply maintaining the status quo. But really, you are pretty well on the "fabulous" end of average. ;) And I just know that one of these days, I am going to wander over here late at night and find a post that starts something like, "Why did I ever wish for so damn much togetherness?!?"

I feel your loneliness. Eight years into my divorce, I listen to others speak of their spouses. On most days, I find that coming home to my German shepherd sounds less lonely than being in a bad marriage again. Hang in there! You will find your stride, your zone, and your inner peace, regardless of what the future holds. Take each day as it comes. I find that chocolate, yarn/fiber/knitting/spinning and pets help.

Sometimes even when you do crawl into bed next to someone who is warm and waiting for you, there can still be a horrible lonely void that no one can fill. That, I think, is the worst feeling of all. How does one go about getting over that? If anyone has an answer, I'd love to hear it.

Your soul searching definately calls out to me, because I can identify. I had made several very bad choices in men (including schitzos and drug dealers), then just gave up. Thought I would never have a real love, or marry. I said "it's totally ok. I'll date, have sex, and just not settle down."

I've now been married for two years to a man who is a perfect match for me. But don't get me wrong--please don't fall into the trap of "the one". that is an incorrect concept. there are many men out there who are actually waiting for YOU to show up. You just have to show up!

You want love. I want love for you. It's good to want love, because then you are capable of creating the situation where it will happen. I send MY love to you.

Thanks for your honesty and bravery. Your truth rings bells loud & clear and stands as a light burning brightly for all to see.

Yes, for you loneliness will end. How do I know? Because God always favors those who remember to pay attention and GIVE THANKS. Keep up the good work, girl.

Another eloquent post. As someone who has been alone the vast majority of her life, I can tell you that it doesn't kill you, although sometimes you might wonder who would notice if you were dead (besides the neighbors complaining about the smell and work calling to see why the hell you're not in). I am probably too old to accomodate myself to another person sharing my oxygen, but I firmly believe that you are too vivid, too alive to be alone unless you choose not to take that first step. The reason your blog is read before my own email? Your humanity and eloquence. And you're damn funny besides. Thank you for blogging, you really are inspiring in how you not only give us glimpses into your life but how you pick yourself up,dust yourself off, and get back on that damn horse.

When I was in high school, I read that the 'average' woman was 5'4". I was so hell bent on not being average that I think it was sheer will that kept me from growing past 5'3!

My divorce didn't make me average, but it did make me a statistic. As easily as it was to change my status to divorced (didn't matter what I wanted), I was certain that I would once again fall in love and be married quicky.

After the third year, I realized it wasn't going to come all that quickly and decided to stop waiting and start living. I went back to school. I started painting. I wrote a (still unpublished to this day) novel. I'm not sure I spent all that time improving myself, but I certainly added character. I worked hard, I played hard, laughed and cried. I packed a whole lot of living in my shorter than average body.

Good thing I didn't put my life on hold. It was 13 years after that decree was signed that I met the man I wanted to spend my life with. He was NOT what I prayed for, but he sure was the answer to my prayers.

Oh...and he came into my life in a parking lot. I was lost, he gave me very poor directions and I had to back track and ask him again. I was NOT looking and had stopped waiting.

Chin up, sweetie, if it is meant to happen, there ain't nothing you can do about it.

Be you. Be happy.

Peace,
Jan

Maybe this will help! I just realized on Monday that some things (including relationships) that I have thought were failures or my fault for a really long time were choices. Good choices! Very good choices, in which choosing the other thing would have been a HUGE lie and not true to myself, even though it turned my life into hell.

I can't explain it all in commentsville but here's a nice image an actor told me: you go to the audition thinking it's about what you do, how well you do, whether you say the right thing or do the right thing or look good, have just the right body, smile big, wow the casting person.

But the reality is: it's not about what you do. They have a script and a particular role in mind and if you don't get the job, it's simply because it wasn't right for YOU. It's not that you screwed up. You are just fine. It just wasn't a match.

Your choices make you who you are, exactly 100% yourself, as it should be. You'll find the right person when you find them, by being 100% yourself! Go have a blast and talk a lot and say those wonderful things that make you cringe in retrospect, because the person you want to be with LOVES that about you! You're already exactly right for that person. Just keep your eyes open!

Stay strong!

I swear to you that the loneliest place I've ever known was the middle of a bad relationship I shouldn't have been in. Still to scared to tell anyone it should be over (or should never have begun), you're greeted at the door each night with your fear of being found out when you're still not ready to explain yourself.

I know it's not the same, but if you think about it, warm bodies to greet you at the door and to sleep with abound at your place. Sure, they're a little high maintenance at times but no more so than many men. And, having been with the wrong guy while also having a couple dogs, I can tell you that it was better to have the pups greet me at the door with all their enthusiasm than for him to do it.

And, one last happy thought: you've, once again, reminded me of my family's crazy little Southernisms. My mom has "tumped" things over for years. It's always been a source of giggles for non-Southerners. I love that word.

Laurie, your blog is read all round the world (I'm in New Zealand)and we all love your candour. I can relate to your loneliness because I feel the same way. Unfortunately, my prayers aren't being answered either. In the meantime, I at least go home to 2 standard poodles who are ecstatic to see me. Sometimes Frodo (the boy dog) blowing in my
ear is the best I get from a male, but I guess it's something. Hang on in there, girl.

Wonderful post! Reading it made me smile and shed a tear at the same time AND a thought just popped in my head. Good things are coming your way girl! I just know it, don't know why, don't know how, but I feel it. Not average good things, good things that are worthy of your unaverage wonderfulness!

I absolutely know how you feel.

Laurie, again - thank you. My god (who also listens to wine-prayers,) I remember being not-alone and still lonely; no wait, I still am, cause my husband's job takes him away all the time, and there's no one here but me and the dog and his kids, and sometimes I want to get into Our Jeep and just drive away, but I can't because the Social Services people would catch me and institutionalize me... so now it's late at night and I check the blogs to feel not-quite-so-alone... and hey! Crazy Aunt Purl is there! but she feels lonely too, and so I can well up with tears remembering and feeling sad/happy/not alone all at once...
You are such an incredibly real person. That's definitely not average! thank you for being yourself for all of us.

Each word is a pearl.
Now visit my url.
http://www.bobwoodyard.com

The thing about loneliness is that when it is shared it evaporates. If only cat pee did that.

I went to see a psychic after my ex and I split. She told me that the ex wasn't my true love, and that I would meet the right guy sometime in the future, but that I'm just not ready yet. Sometimes I like to walk around and look at males and wonder if he's the one. That sort of helped me in the beginning, silly as it all sounds.

She also told me when you're feeling angry or sad about the ex, to write his name on a piece of toilet paper, and flush it down the toilet! It's called "psychic flushing." And I don't know if she's a fraud or not, but it's very effective!

Whoa! Hold on there! First of all, we might try crawling out of this here handbasket. I'm not sure that's where we want to be going, y'all. Now, all the pollyanna-ish sentiment in the world ain't going to change the fact that sometimes it just plain hurts to feel lonely. Just plain hurts. There is cause to be wary here, though. For when we are needy, we sometimes make poor choices. My experience has been that it is better to just carry on with things, and when we least expect it, BAM, something wonderful will happen. I have found that trying to force the issue rarely produces success. Having said all that, I for one, would tell you that you are an incredibly beautiful woman, Laurie. Far from average! I would be thrilled to have Crazy Aunt Pearl for my girl! Be still my heart ...

Just my couple of cents - as a therapist, I see more people who are married and feel lonely than those who are single and lonely - a trip in a jeep to a waffle house sounds like livin' to me!

Just my couple of cents - as a therapist, I see more people who are married and feel lonely than those who are single and lonely - a trip in a jeep to a waffle house sounds like livin' to me!

LOL Laurie. My mom who is five four and 3/4 swears to everyone that she is five five. Uh huh. I'll let her tell it.

I was five four sometime in elementary school. I'm not sure really when. So I've always thought of myself as being something other than average. Oh, but how I desperately wanted to be average.

Glad to see that you're so comfortable in your skin. It took me a lot of years to get to that point. Well, I'm still not quite there to honest. I just like to pretend that I am. But when I get the tattoo, I'm sure I'll be there.

In the words of Cher, "snap out of it". You make your life, some man does not make your life. Alone doesn't have to mean lonely. You are too cool and have too much to offer the world to think you need a husband.

you are such a sweet lovely person. that i promise you, you'll have someone waiting for you at home soon. i know we don't take the place of that warmth that another person who loves you more than anything brings you, but we're all cheering for you. and if we're all cheering for you, that's got to bring you some mojo.

Laurie - the aloneness can be unbelieveably overwhelming at times, can't it? I am thankful for my dogs - they might not talk back, but they are great listeners!

Take it from someone who knows...I mean BEEN THERE! But, there is a kind of loneliness that even when you have someone...you are all alone! My ex's love was alcohol, and I was alone. My best advise, though it's very hard to see, is patience...I've found the best-friend I dreamed of and it took many years (I won't say how many because it may not take you that long)
I wish I could be there to give you a BIG HUG, and tell you everything will be just fine...just because, he was a selfish jerk!
When you get home tonight pour a glass of wine and we'll raise them together..."To Being Average"!

I'm thinking of you. Thank you, for your very sweet comment, by the way. I'm so touched that, in your feelings of lonliness, you still reach out to comfort others.

It's posts like these that make me grateful I'm an introvert. I don't really know what loneliness is. Exhaustion from spending time with needy extroverts? Yes. I'm a little too familiar with that.

"And I said, 'Love will come to you'
hopin' just because I spoke the words that they're true..."
-Saliers & Ray

I am the mother of small children. I love my family dearly, but sometimes (LOTS of sometimes) I crave alone time. And mothers of adults always look fond when you're sleep-deprived and crumb-covered and tell you to Savor These Moments, because they grow so fast.

Another mom friend of mine was feeling guilty because she wasn't Savoring Every Moment. Her husband looked at their 3 kids, laughed, and told her that was like telling a thirsty man to Savor the Water as he tried to drink it from a fire hose!

So yeah, it's about balance. You're getting your solitude from a fire hose right now. There is such a concept as Too Much of a Good Thing.

But life will change, because you're growing so fast. :-)

Laurie,

I love your writings. It is so reassuring, in a very sisterly way, to know that someone else often feels the same way I feel.

I am trying very hard to continue to build a life that I want to share with someone, rather than waiting for someone to rescue me from a life that I allow just to happen "to" me. And I know that I would so much rather be alone and lonely that with someone and lonely (the latter of which I fear is often the more 'average' type of lonely).

Oh, and if you drove to Rosarita, we'd miss you. ;)

Wenders

I used to have a lot of lonely too. It's not awful usually but it usually isn't great either.

You're fantastic you know.

Oh, Laurie. I echo what so many have said. The loneliest I've ever felt was when my marriage was so amazingly bad. And now that's it's better, even though there is very little love and a whole lot of courtesy to make things smooth, I'm still lonely. Maybe some of us just need that external and internal validation of being truly loved and understood by a man. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I'm glad you count your blessings. I do too, even when things are somewhat abusive and not too glamorous, and I realize that I have terrific daughters, incredible girlfriends, blog friends I read daily, and a great working environment. And the missing the love eases a little because I realize I have the love.

You are amazing, and special, and my girls and I spent two hours this week reading your cat posts and laughing until our stomachs hurt, and I hear my 13 year old tell her cat he has the IQ of a cabbage and it makes me laugh all over again.

And 5'3" is tall! I just wear four inch heels to cover up for the shortness factor!

Also, know that you are truly, deeply loved by all of your faithful readers.

You know, sometimes I feel that you're taking the words I can't get out of my head and putting them on the screen so I can understand my own thoughts. I have struggled lately with not wanting a relationship but wondering why I'm so damned miserable. And that's it. The last paragraph nailed it on the head for me. Thank you again.

And (((hugs))) the right ones will come along, for both of us. :)

I was thinking of all of this last night myself. I've had both loneliness and under-the-feet, makes-you-want-to-howl-he's-so-in-your-face relationships. I finally found stasis, that in-between place you mentioned. I got bored with it. Then I had kids. It's a constant under-the-feet, makes-you-want-to-howl-they're-so-in-your-face life now. I'm happy, oddly enough. I think I operate best when my lonely and crowded swoop up and down like a sine wave.

I must say, however, Rosarita by dawn sounds pretty damn good to me today.

My marriage ended because the man I fell in love with turned into a psycho. Guns, Knives, threats. He tried to kill "his" dog. After three years as a divorce statistic, I still like coming home to the dog better than the fear. I'm one of those bizzare people that believes that all things happen so we grow (or we grow after all things happen, you choose) and this is your time to be dormant. Don't let lonely push you out of being contempletive about who you are and what you really want. Take your time and heal up. don't scramble in pain and fear. Your friends love you, your cats love you, and the bizarre world of the internets loves you.

Reading your post brought back (good & bad) memories.... Divorce "afterlife" can be a rollercoaster of ups and downs - and at times, the painful feeling loneliness. Hang in there - it will soon pass. The person coming through on your blog won't let herself be trapped in that pit for long! Here's to you (lifting wine glass)!

As a college freshman with almost no romantic experience, I prayed nightly for a NICE boyfriend. A mere boyfriend wouldn't do, as I had witnessed too much boyfriend-induced roller coaster emotions displayed by my friends while I just went along my merry, mediocre, average way.
Lo and behold, a guy showed up at my dorm room one night, saying that he had seen me around campus and wanted to meet me. Having been alerted by a rumor from my RA, I welcomed him in for a nice conversation and agreed to a date the following night. He was so nice that it seemed surreal, and he more or less fell out of the sky.
Could he be the one? Thirty-plus years, two kids, and many adventures later, the answer is definitely YES. I'm not the most religious person in the world, but when I hear that prayer changes things, I can't help but agree. Keep the faith!

I feel you. I feel the same way.

Do you just love those late-night, wine-influenced lonely bits? Me neither. Stay the course and just know that the reason you haven't met him yet is because he's being prepared for you, just as you are for him.

Dear Laurie:
As I read the comments today a thought occured to me: We need you to voice our feelings. So many know the lonliness you speak of and can't manage to express it so well. When you get your prayer answered (when, not if!) will you still make us laugh over the furbabies? Bpb and his rawhide bone *snort*

Laurie,

Want me to send you some Waffle House? Maybe a "double order of hashbrown all-the-way"? Mmmm...now I'm hungry for cheese grits.

Hugs and wine, (good combo by-the-way)

There is no average loneliness - it's all soul-sucking and debilitating.

But, if there is a positive to loneliness, it's better be be lonely and alone rather than lonely and lying the dark next to the person you married, wondering if you're going crazy because you shouldn't feel this way - you're married.

It gets better. There are good days and bad days and you learn to treasure the good days like the gold that they are. On the bad days, you cling to your friends and your cats and your knitting and the electronic circle of support that is always here for you.

Sometimes it feels easier to give up the hope that things will be "normal" again, but don't. Recovery from loneliness takes just as long as recovery from debilitating illness - maybe longer. An article in the Sept 2006 Oprah said that rejection causes physical pain because it fires along the same neural pathway. Amen. And like any physical pain, sometimes, heaven help us, it just takes time.

Love you, CAP. You always make the 'chick smile.

amen.
'nuf said.

Dear Laurie:

That was the most beautiful thing I've read in a long time.

You are definitely way above average. Me, I'm only 5'2-1/2". and yes, I'll keep the 1/2" thank you.

Jacki in CT

You can't pack up and drive away like that anyway because the rest of us out here in blogland would miss you too much! I know it's not the same as having a warm body to cuddle up to at night, or coming home to another person, but it's a start. It's something, anyway.

Laurie, thank you for sharing this. Just so you know, you are NOT alone in feeling like this. I could have written that post fo' sho (although not as well as you did!). HUGS from a fellow lonely divorcee in TN! This too shall pass...or so I've heard.

Totally understand what you're saying. I miss having someone who'll wonder where I am or is waiting for me at home.

And yes, I have lots and lots to be grateful for and I am, but I still miss the little things of being married. The warm weight of someone in the bed next to me, or even his little snores. And I really miss having someone to take drives with while we talk about anything and everything and hold hands. Sigh.

Onward, though. Onward and upward.

You took me back in time, Laurie. I remember the lonlieness. The silence in the house was just unbearable. I would watch tv until the wee hours of the morning just to hear someone's voice. Hang in there. You will find love and companionship. Hugs.

Did you watch the movie Hope Floats? I know it is an oldie but she talks about being average to her daughter. And it's okay to be average, what with her all being the "Cream of Corn Queen" and then ending up being a divorced, depressed woman living with her mom, who was not all that sane, and her daughter who blamed everything on her and then she ends up with that man who wasn't perfect but just right. I know it is just a movie but I love that line, "and it is ok to be average". We're just average people. I love to be average and at the same time not average, do you get what I'm sayin'? I love your blog and this would be the first time I have commented. You make me laugh and cry at the same time. Is that possible?

Laurie,

You know I love you and your writing. I'm a big fan of your blog and the way you put a funny twist into the pathos of what you write about. But today, for the first time, I'm going to tell you what I usually think to myself when I read posts like these. "At least she got to wear a wedding dress." Sometimes I cringe when you call yourself a spinster, because to me that's someone like me, someone who never got married, who never had someone say, "I choose you." I don't mean to diminish what you're feeling - not at all. But the old saying, "Better to have loved and lost...." is probably true or people wouldn't keep saying it.

You write about the human condition better than most people live it. I have no brilliant insights. I have not ever married. It just never happened for me. I always felt as though I was wrong, sick, ugly, whatever because "nobody" loved me. Yet, I am loved. I hope that someday you can find the kind of love you want. I haven't given up hope, but I have built my life up because I don't have it. I have filled my life with friends. When you find the love you want, will you still have time for us?

Oh, honey. I'm sorry you're feeling like this these days. You are SO not average, chickadee. Not average at all!

Mmmm...Waffle House....stupid Pennsylvania. (I have yet to locate a WaHo here...grrrr)

I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion. ~Henry David Thoreau

Laurie,
I remember feeling like that, and I had two little boys and people (ok, my mother) would think I was crazy to say I was lonely with so much fullness in my life. But I was soul-lonely, and I get that. I really get that.

The only thing I can say is that I fully believe that the stasis you are taking about, will come, and when it does, the Universe is kind and gives back in direct proportion to the amount of emptiness that came before.

I don't understand how it is that being lonely is equated to being ungrateful. i mean, i understand that that is the perception, but I see the two as total opposites. Now, I've been pissing Californians off as a hobby lately so here i go again - this is a very image conscious (absorbed) climate you're trying to operate in in all your beautiful honestness and the stealth of sexy that comes with knowing you could contract a strange flu and not waste away in three days because you have had all your body fat sucked out on a regular basis - you know, there are places where guys are not so used to looking at plastic girls and where a fun, bright, honest woman who eats and loves beer could cause a riot!

I think lonliness is part of the human condition... No matter where we are, most people get lonely for the opposite--lonely for quiet, lonely for noise, lonely for space, lonely for warm company.

Thank you for being so open and honest. Judging from the comments above, you've made lots of FR (faithful readers) a little less blue.

I think that made sense about the balance of it all, and you know what you are missing and that's just part of it.... So more power to you for your honesty and for being grateful and still just reconciling that hey, sometimes you don't want to be alone every night. And it's true - I crave my alone time, and at the same time, can feel incredibly alone inside my head or in my relationships. We all do. And we all crave something a little different to balance it out. (I hope this isnt a reflection on recent dates!)

Hey Laurie. I hope I didn't inspire this post by celebrating my alone time. The thing is, no matter how rarely I get to be actually all by myself, an extended period of all by myself scares the crap out of me. Even when hubby and I fight like a divorce is just an excuse away, deep down (in my chicken-shit heart) I know the fight is better than the possibility of alone. I tell myself that I'm not easy to live with and I'm not perfect and only human after all, and why should I expect more from him? Why do I expect to have these deep intellectual conversations with my man, when I already know the only two things ever on a man's mind (as revealed by the great Mr. Foxworthy) are beer and nekkid women?

{{{Friday hug}}}
I hear you and feel your pain.
I don't think you are asking for much but it sure is hard to find.
Keep looking.

You forgot to mention your miles above average funniness!! Thank you for making me think and laugh so much all year. I'm so sorry that this world has grown so impersonal and jaded. Let's go back to the 60's and reclaim the notions of free love and also acceptance and community. Wouldn't we all be happier if we could go into the boss' office and say "I've had a stressful day, fancy a shag?" Just kidding. But seriously, people need physical contact. Hugs and kisses are the answer. Kids are the best source. Nothing makes me feel more special than having a child run up to me with open arms and a big smile. Have you ever looked into Big Brothers Big Sisters?

Laurie if I was near enough, I would give you a great big hug. I know what lonely is like. It sucks. I know people have lots of good advice about how wonderful it is to be alone and do whatever you want, but I understand, it sucks. I think some people were just meant to be with someone. I have no advice about how to find that someone, but I know you will. When you do enjoy the heck out of it because you never know when it will leave you. There are many reasons why people end up alone divorce only being one of them. I just hope that all those people with someone who wish they had alone time would think instead how wonderful it is that they have someone special in their lives to be with cause really being lonely sucks.

Laurie,

Your writing never ceases to amaze me. You are able to express yourself so well - whether it be the funny or the serious. Well done.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGE, BONECRUSHING HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so proud of you. Do you realize just how far you've come over the past year and a half?? Your ability to really see who you are and what you need has become so much clearer. You took a terrible emotional blow and have come out of it with clarity and self-reflection, instead of rage and resentment. Now you know what you really want out of life. And it will come, I promise.

I hope that you understand how much you mean to me. I am basically homebound because of my illness and spend a lot of time alone when my family is out living their lives. I've lost all of the important women in my family to cancer over the last 8 years. Your blog, besides being brilliantly written, makes me feel like there is someone out there who is just like me. I couldn't even begin to thank you for that.

With lots of love, Liz

Oh, praying totally works! The new guy in the office was a little shorter and a little balder than I was looking for -- but 15 years later, he still makes me laugh every day.
Don't worry, you'll be fine.

We pray the same nightly prayer.. and yeah.. it's not so much being alone.. just that those little things you mentioned.. someone caring where you are.. snuggling next to a sleepy someone.. and feeling like someone knows you exist. or cares..

yeah, it's definitely not about just being alone.

Delurking! As someone who's been fighting the urge to get up and run away from my life for the past week, I'm all emotional reading this, especially that last part about Rosarita. You're right -- it's all about balancing love and freedom. I think most of us, regardless of whether we're in relationships, struggle to attain that balance. So at least in that you're not alone!

Abrupt change of subject: I just found out my job is sending me to Paris for a week! (I have a pretty sweet gig.) Off now to read all your Paris-related entries....

Thank you for sharing this. This is exactly how I have been feeling for quite some time.

Two things, dear:

1. The road trip helps. It really does. No, there might not be a man waiting for you when you get back, but it's liberating and refreshing to have a change of surroundings that you are in control of. We'll wait for you.

2. God does answer prayer. I've learned that sometimes the answer is "Maybe," or "Wait," or "Not now." I'd venture to guess that He's not telling you "No" but "Not now."

Hugs. Thanks for sharing.

Laurie,

I started reading your blog at my daughter's suggestion and have continued to read it because you are so insightful and funny (I am not interested in knitting and am alergic to cats).

You speak eloquently for a huge number of people (nearly half of all adults are single and more than half of them are women- not to mention all the women who are enduring a loveless marriage.)

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 35 years (proof that she is wonderful? She has put up with me all those years!) In looking back over my life, I find that God has surrounded me with love. For that I am very grateful.

What I have finally come to realize is that loving is even more of a blessing that being loved. (I know, If I didn't feel loved, I would probably feel being loved was more important than loving- we want most what we don't have).

Laurie, you have a big heart, full of love. This comes out in all of your writings. You are blessing friends and family (and all of your readers). I found that my church family and ministries provided long term relationships with people I can love. Mentoring at risk youth has been challenging but incredibly rewarding. Somebody is in need of the love you can give them in the flesh.

To sum up- you can choose to love, but only hope to be loved back (the more you give out the more you do get back, though). I echo what many others have written- don't get so busy you neglect all of us!

I hear ya' sister
and I do not feel sorry for you or pity you.
I just hear you and know where you are coming from but if given a choice - being alone and lonely is way way better then feeling lonely in a relationship, that is a sadder and far lonelier feeling.
Buy something nice and super useless for yourself like a nail polish bottle holder! *smile

Laurie, ditto what YHAOS wrote. When you feel down or lonely, please remember how many of "us" you touch and bring smiles to every day! and my get-through-this mantra was (and still is) "It could be worse. I could still be married to the bastard!" You are loved.

Thanks for sharing your feelings... I am one of those that long for the occasional free night of serenity. I'm sure, however, that I'll be just like you when it becomes a permanent thing in a few years.

BTW, what/who is 1/2 a cat? three and a half cats??

I was lonely, in and out of 2 marriages, and it wasn't till I had my very own house, that I stopped being lonely. It is small, and old and all mine. I call it the love of my life. I am blessed with good friends and I am quite a bit older than you, and I do think that makes a difference in perception, and of tolerating another person. I am not looking for romantic love. If it wants to find me, fine, but I am not looking, and it will have to work like hell to rope me in again.

And I am happier than I have ever been.

So, I wish love for you, if that is what you want. It is the little things, as you said, and once in a very blue moon, I miss those things.

Take care-

I'm married and feel so lonely without my cats, who gone to kitty heaven. It's so hard to sleep without those little fur balls next to me.

When I was single, I belonged to a book club full of stay-at-home moms. Suddenly my loneliness seemed like such a valuable treasure--I would come home and dance around the living room with my cats, thrilled to be living my life and not theirs.

I know that this doesn't help right now, Laurie. But know how much all of us love you. And it does get easier as time goes on.

I've been single for many more years than you and I can tell you that it gets better, and most days/nights I'm fine with it, but I still get lonely at times. Holidays can be rough. Returning home from business trips when there's no one at the airport glad to see me or waiting to pick me up. Having to make every freakin' decision about the house myself. I have to be honest and say that I've pretty much given up on love, but that's okay. I have a new batch of knitting friends, most of whom are empty-nesters who are able to go out and play and do things on evenings/weekends, whereas most gals my age or younger are still too bogged down with kids to be any fun.

Not sure if this is at all encouraging, (I definitely hope it's not discouraging), but it's what my life is, these days.

However, I don't really see this as your future. You're far too cute and fun and smart and funny and good-hearted to be overlooked by the other gender for long. I see this period of your life as your healing/growth time.

It's hard to understand why God has us go through those painful healing/growth times in our lives, but I equate it to when I have to wrestle my cats to give them medicine or that flea stuff. They hate it and don't understand why mommy is so mean, but it's for their own good. They'll be better off for it down the road.

May God answer your sweet prayers beyond your wildest dreams. :-)

I think I might be your east coast twin ... well, except I live alone with only two cats, am a brunette, and have never been married. BUT I feel exactly the same way. Thanks for writing this.

Kathleen, roy is half-sick, half-well, so he's the half-well cat :)

I do thank ya'll, you know that this relationship we've all somehow developed online here is always at the top of my grateful list?

Oh-- and to the person who was thinking this was all about me wanting to get married. I often feel I've failed somehow to explain a thing when I see comments like that. As if somehow in all this, nothing made sense, it was just me not expressing a thing well, not saying it right.

It's not about getting married, I'm not interested in remarrying. Sometimes you just want human contact, you know?

Hon, I know you feel down right now, but look at all the people that love you! Alright, I know cyber love is hardly a substitution for honest-to-God-someone-to-run-the-bbq-grill love, but we all love you very much. You take care of yourself and fill up those quiet nights with 80's music and crazy dancing. The cats will then fear you.

"Tumped Over"...I misread this and thought it said TRUMPED Over. Thought maybe you and the Donald...well, you know. Or maybe that you auditioned for the apprentice!

Laurie, you're not average. Anyone that says "tumped" is special!!!! I screamed when I saw that btw.

Is 5'4" really the average? At 5'12" I must be a circus freak!

yeah. sometimes you just want SEX!!!

hee hee.

i'm only kidding. I call it the "people in the world who love me" club. Its why I am sad at funerals of friends - because (being that its all about me) there's one less person in the world who loves me. And when you get down to that, you realize there aren't all that many and the loss of just one is a big deal.

back to work.

Laurie,

I love your tales of intrigue.
I like your style and attitude.

You were having a bad day and needed props, I get that.
You are in NO way unloved. Cats are better than men. And they like padded mommies. You can at anytime pick up the phone and call a friend and get ANY emotional need you have met.

Looking at the empty "side" of the bed is a million times better than being in a lonely relationship. Because the man sleeping there puts restraints on your life and feelings, and decisions.

Think about Mr. X, if he had said "I know where I can find my creativity, but I'm going to stay with you anyway, we can make this work" You would be in a million times worse situation.

Your life rocks.
Free will rocks.
You rock.

Now shake it off, or around, go to SnB, call Drew, chase the kitties (Psycho Mom!!!), and have a good weekend.

Truly your friend,

Lil' Lady Bear

May I suggest listening to lot's of Jackson Browne, eating a lot of chocolate and inviting all of your kitties to sit on your lap? Those are the things that make me feel better when I feel too alone.

You are NOT alone. You have this wonderful group of admirers and supporters who count on your witty, intelligent, fun to read blog to provide joy in life. Your writing is so true, (to use Hemingway's term). And being a transplanted Southern Girl myself, I know of what you speak! It's the first thing I read **every single day**. I loved the pix of your tortie cat so much I went out and adopted one. Your cute little bracelet handbag got me knitting--it had been many, many years. You are doing lots of good in this world CAP! Write on, girl! You are LOVED.

Yes! I felt EXACTLY the same way after my divorce!

Meditation/prayer worked very well for me. I would light a candle - a "love" one I got at a Hallmark store, for Pete's sake - sit down on a cushion and focus on the guy I wanted to meet. Kind, honest and ethical. Intelligent. Funny. Please, God, not too political. No drug or alcohol problems or prison records...and on and on and on. One of my cats would get on top of the cat tower while I did this, put her front paws on my skull and start this deep purring noise, which was kind of spooky, but very pleasant.

It really helped me figure out what I wanted. I did Match.com, met a few very nice "not quites" who were ever so much better for me than my ex- and finally met a wonderful guy who I'm going to marry next year, seven years post-divorce.

I had a flat tire on Tuesday, and because the stupid mechanic who rotated my tires last had stripped the lug nuts, I had to leave it at the garage over night. My wonderful fiance drove 18 miles from West LA to Tarzana (Shout out to the Shell at Reseda and Ventura - you guys rock!) to pick me up, then INSISTED on driving me all the way to work the next morning at o-dark-thirty. I told him I could have taken the bus but no. Now, that's love!

Now, if only the "money" candle I alternated with would come through with a lottery win....although I did just get a better paying job...

(P.S. Your writing skills are wayyyyyy beyond "average." Write a book! You'd sell millions!)

I am feeling the same way. I overslept for work by an hour this morning because I was having a terrible, elaborate dream that the newly-found love of my life (who happened to be a rock star) had died and I was so sad and lonely for the lost possibility and discovery.

(Maybe I should have listened to the cats when they tried to wake me up and missed out on some of the misery...)

What is it they say? LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE.

LIVE WELL my friend.

I am right where you are.

Ah this reminds me of what I said to my dad the other day in response to.. "Someday this will all work out."

Could you please tell me the exact date for someday? I could get through the "rougher" times if I knew if there is a finite limit on them (and when).

Oh and I must tell you that I had a dream the other night of "getting" back at someone for someone else... You'll appreciate the irony of my 5"2' frame telling this person that "Carma was there to kick their ass" :) Apparently in my dreams I'm much more confident than I am in real life.

Laurie, I'm sorry that you're lonely. It's not a good feeling. I have been married a long time and it's a good marriage but even so, I have had lonely times so I know what you are feeling. The dating world is so different now that I can't give you much insight on that, however, both of my twenty-something children have found soul mates when they weren't looking for them. My daughter had just about given up on finding someone that was right for her--opinionated but sensitive to others, very democratic, vegetarian, supportive but not oppressive etc. Just before she left for a semester in London, three years ago, they met, dated and fell in love. They are still together and are incredibly happy. I know this will happen for you also. It will happen when you least expect it and he will probably be a friend first or the friend-of-a-friend. Don't give up or settle for less and please keep sharing yourself with all of us on the internets.
P.S. I never thought that I liked cats until I started reading your blog.

Human contact? How about a little something spelled G-I-G-A-L-O? (and I don't mean Deuce Bigalow)

Sorry, Mom and Dad Purl. I'm only kidding! ;oO

Laurie: I'll let you know when I send the package. Probably tomorrow.

Hey, Liz, I'd like to know where these so-called men of the night ARE. I mean, the ones who aren't skanky, disease-covered, meth-heads. THOSE are easy to find. But nice Richard Gere types from the movies? So. So impossible to find. *le sigh*

Hey, girl...

First, I don't know why so many people think "average" is a bad thing. It's not. And most people are average ... once you've balanced out all their different extremes. However, I will say you have an above-average gift for expressing difficult things and humor. And patience with demanding kitties.

Next, I'm sorry you've had a week that's made you sad. Lonely hurts and there really isn't anything wrong with it. Expressing it and feeling it while it lasts is fine, as long as you don't let it push you into real depression. Since I can tell you're a big girl and have been taking quite excellent care of yourself, I doubt you need any advice or "fixing" from me.

I'm glad you're willing to express all this where the rest of us can benefit from knowing we're not alone. I've been where you are, I've been in the bad relationships, and now I'm married (good relationship! yay! Finally!)with kids and the only alone time I have is driving to and from work. So yeah, that balance thing is pretty hard to acheive. But over the course of a lifetime, it averages out.

You mean skanky, disease-covered meth heads aren't good enough for you??? Isn't that why condoms were invented? And handguns?

Jeez......I had no idea you were so picky!!!
I'll keep looking for you.

I've been reading your blog for a few months now. Last week my husband decided he no longer wants us to be married. Now I look at you blog in a whole new light. Thanks so much for sharing things. This entry really reminded me of something Paula Deen said on her wedding special on the Food Network (I'm going to assume a Southern girl like yourself is aware of who Paula Deen is). She said that before she met her then fiance, Michael she would pray to God each night just to send her a neighbor. One day, she saw that Michael on the water or something and it sparked from there.

what i miss most is the complete lack of physical contact. no hugs, no hand touching my shoulder, no incidental bumps passing in the halls. nothing.

Janette, I am so sorry to hear about your recent trouble and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can say, now that you've "known" me for a few months, one of the resons I keep writing on this online diary, even though sometimes it feels scary exposing personal things, is that when I go backward and look at where I was and see where I am now, I feel somehow that anything is possible, that even lonely (bad as it is) is just something you feel, and you make it through.

Not sure I would have ever believed that possible when I began writing this diary online.

And I have to believe that whatever lies ahead for me, and for you, will be something new and good, because it's true that God can dream a bigger dream for us than we dream for ourselves. I just hang onto that hope. Sometimes more tightly than other times.

And I love me some Paula Deen!

Carolyn, and to the others who have mentioned this as well: sometimes the need for physical affection, any kind human touch, is so overwhelming I almost feel I am shriveling for lack of it.

That is the thing I miss. I don't need to be married and all that. I just need a hand on mine, a hug now and then, someone to sit very near. Small things. But God I need that.

Anyway. Good grief I can carry on and whine like nobody's bidness. LOL.

Tomorrow is another day. Thank ya'll for all of this.

Oh, Laurie! You are fantastic. Outstanding. Gold stars, A+++. We all love you & wish we were there to keep you company when you're down. We've all been lonely. On the bright side, it's less lonely being lonely when you're actually alone than being lonely when you're with someone. I know, that sentence is an English teacher's worst nightmare! Anyway. Hugs. I hope today is a better day for you.

Helen

Been there for years and it was damn scary. Best Advice: Go to confession return to the Catholic Church.

The most lonesome I've ever been is lonely in a room with someone sitting beside me.

The absolute worst loneliness I've ever experienced was physically being with a person who simply 'wasn't there' in any other important sense. The second worst was losing someone who just 'couldn't be there' with/for me. And the third? Well, that happens when you feel that there will never again be anyone to connect with at that deeply personal level. I'm now working on that one, and age/past experience are very major factors. So, I pursue the everyday joys of living.

Nearly eight years ago, when my son was in the hospital, I spent most of my time there, DH spent most of his time either working (someone had to pay the bills) or spelling me at the hospital, and our then-two-year-old daughter spent days with the sitter, luckily in place before disaster struck, and nights with whichever one of us wasn't at the hospital. So only one of us was ever home at a time, except when my dad visited to give us a break now and then, may heaven shower him with riches, but instead of going home to a dark empty house whichever one of us was not on bedside duty would come home to a small sweetie flinging her arms around our neck and squealing her delight at our presence and asking to be taken to Friendly's for dinner. DH is convinced, probably correctly, that she is the sole reason we're still together and reasonably functional.

All of which is to say: I haven't been where you are, exactly, but I hear you. Hang in there.

Hey Laurie, your post me sad because I often feel that same way. But see, right there, we are not alone, because everybody feels that way sometimes. So next time you feel like putting gas in the jeep and seeing how far you can drive, get on the 5 and drive right up to San Francisco and see me and we'll count our blessings over a nice bottle of wine, all spontaneous like. :)

Laurie,

Me too. Also 5'4". Also Southern. Waiting for divorce to be finished (after 24 years to a man who turned out to be a liar and cheat for at least half our marriage - the depths of deception are unbelievable). But I have no job. Invested in him. He now has his future secure, high paying career, and I am alone, with kids now leaving home. The future is scary.

I was having the same thoughts last night that you wrote about. I understand - sometimes you ache to feel special - a hug from someone who is not a platonic friend, not a relative, someone to genuinely care about your day, to be glad to see you (and not because you feed them).

Nights alone are a luxury for those for whom it's not constant or those who don't fear that it's permanent. Not a luxury for those of us who are not alone by choice. When you have been betrayed and rejected by the most intimate person in your life, the wound is very deep; the aloneness is very different. The time to heal much longer.

Here's to you Laurie, who so often blogs just what I have been feeling. Thank you.

B.

Laurie, I went through a divorce 2 years ago and life is not at all like I thought it would be at this point (today is my 38th birthday). However, I believe that wherever you are today is where God means for you to be. In fact, I just wrote a post about this very belief last night because loneliness has been heavy on my mind lately too. But as you said, God has plans for us and we can't know what they are until they happen. But that's part of what makes life so exciting. When the good stuff comes along and surprises you. Whenever it's meant to be, it will happen and as much as we want to rush life to the good parts, we just can't. I believe the lonely times, and the ugly times are there to make us appreciate the good times all that much more.

P.S. I can walk to a Waffle House from my house here in Atlanta. As you know, they're on every street corner in the South.

loneliness creeps in when we least expect it. And like Skip said, sometimes it can happen with someone sitting right there.
As a wise fairy Godmother once said "Patience My Dear, Some day your prince will come." I bet when he does, you will be taken by surprise....and it will take him a long, long time to convince you to marry him. xox r

The nearest Waffle House is 79 miles away-but I would meet you for coffee. I happened upon your blog today, so I figured I'd pop in to say-

God DOES know what he's doing, Sadly, you can't fast forward to see what it will look like later. I will tell you that the best thing about getting married a second time is that the second time, you will know what you want, and what it looks like.

Please, please, please-if you run in to Mr. Nice Guy---bumbling, sweet, no challenge at all-stay and look. We're often junkies for the people who give us the adrenaline rush, the challenging ones, the bad boys. You deserve NICE, not PITAs! Remember that! I am very glad you have four-footed pals...when I got divorced, I thought my dog was my only friend.

Pullin' for you, girlfriend.

How about you book yourself for a spa day with a MASSAGE? Everyone needs some physical contact, even as fleeting as a touch on the hand when handing back change.

Laurie, it will end when it is time for it to end. You have been in the midst of an adventure of self discovery, but that doesn't mean that at times you don't want something different or a different kind of familair.
I think that when you've leared what it is you are supposed to learn during this season of your life, it will change and bring new and equally exciting things. I'm sure enough of this that I don't hesitate to say "Count on it."

I am comment #120 - so if you find this it will be amazing. I found your blog via Drew's and am so glad I did. Your post brought back bittersweet memories of the years I spent single after my divorce as well as the loneliness my mom is experiencing after the death of my father last December. I have found myself somewhat reminiscent since my dad's death and I think it is a normal part of the healing process. You will grow during this time, and yes, it does eventually come to an end.

I live with a Bob too (even looks just like him), bless their hearts, it is a good thing we're there for them.

Thanks for making me laugh.

It's amazing how many people are lonely "together." It's also amazing how much that doesn't make it feel any less lonely. It's really healthy to be thankful for what you have, even when you're wishing for more.
Thanks for the great post... it feels good to know that it's not just me!!

A massage is a very good idea! I had one when I was going through the middle of my divorce and the massage therapist even had me fill out a form beforehand noting what stresses I had in my life. She said she could tell by how knotted up I was.

And while a fuzz-ball cat or four is not the same as a human being, just snuggling with the kitties is better than being all alone in Chez Spinster. There have been many, many days when I was soooo happy to come home and have my three little furballs come running to greet me or wake me up with their snoring or hogging the pillow.

Actually, the massage idea is really good, I just really need some human touch.

Roy sleeps on the pillow next to mine, or on my pillow, and sometimes I just look at his little face and feel so lucky he's mine.

CAP - Yeah - I so get the 'miss just a hand to hold, miss teh S*x, miss just a 'be-ingness' of another person.

Trust me, widowed is the same song with just a little more money in the hat and just one or two fewer regret verses.

I feel like I'm too flipping YOUNG be using that "W" word. This was supposed to be OUR time after raising our son. Damnit.

Thank you for sharing this beautifully written piece....I'm sorry you're hurting. This is the first time I've posted, but I've been visiting your site for awhile...no I'm not lurking, just enjoying and laughing and finding solice in the fact that there is a fun, strong, full of life women out there that is going through what I am....thanks for the laughter, the tears and for being there everyday....you are NOT ordinary by any means!! Snakes on a Plane is in the theatres now - THAT has to make you smile - Cheers!!

I don't know you and I NEVER comment on blogs (although I do LOOOOOVE to read them). But, this particular journal entry strikes a very tender chord tonight. Nice to know that even when you're alone, you're not alone. Know what I mean?

{{Hugs for Laurie}}}
Sweetie, here in Santa Monica there's a place called "The Massage Company" where massages are $45 per hour (no, they're NOT a "Happy ending kinda place!). I found that in long lonely times, a good massage once in a while to perk up the singleton sense touch-deprived nerve endings helped a lot.
I hear you. Lonely is a nice place to visit, but a hard place to live in. And you said it right.
But you are lovable, annd loved. And you did the right thing by walking away- how many women cling to the known abyss of a lonely marriage that cuts them and their spouses off from the very possibility of real love because they fear "alone" more than "Lonely"? You're not in a dead-end...merely the hallway of doors leading to many loving opportunities.
We're not there with you, but you are loved here in cyber-space...and we will hold your hand figuaritvly until the right one shows up literally. :-)

Thank you for sharing what we all feel from time to time, and sharing it in a funny, poignant way. Obviously you have lots of friends on this blog- I'm envious! Massages are good, and so is a snootful of your closest pet's scent. Mmm!

I just wrote about this last weekend in a quick little rant. It was Saturday night, and there I was, AGAIN, laying on my couch reading when my incredibly gorgeous neighbor came tramping downstairs - off to whatever adventure awaited him that night. (Dinner with friends in a trendy neighborhood. Yes, I asked him the next day when I saw him in the basement. My nosiness knows no bounds.)

It made me look around the apartment and take stock of being almost 30 and having a duller life than women my age should be leading. I've never dated much, and the closest people in the world to me are yukking it up in NYC and Chicago while I feel like I am wilting away in Cleveland.

Oh well. Just wanted to say - I know those nights with the crickets and the neighbors and the gaping white noise of having nobody to talk to. They haunt me too.

Laurie,
Hi, I've been lurking for a while. I had to comment on this post. As I read it last evening and then then comments, my face was completely wet with tears. Tears of relief, that I wasn't the only one who felt this way. Tears of grief, tears of my own lonliness exposed even as I've had a couple of weeks of feeling good, tears of joy that even in your lonliness you had about 100 people who are there to encourage you and lift you up. Tears of hope that I can rebuild my life to a point where my support network is this strong.

That it struck such a loud resonance in my being tells me that I'm not through grieving my divorce yet. And that made me cry too.

Anyway, know that for every person who posted a comment there are probably a dozen "lurkers" who are in your circle too.

Peace,
Becky

What you say about the difficulty (impossibility?) of balancing solitude with companionship is dead on.

As others have said, just know that your feelings of loneliness put you in good and vast company. Everyone who has been single for any stretch of time during her adult life has felt this way. And it *so* isn't ingratitude or weakness (as you well know), it's just loneliness.

Keep the faith. Better times are coming...

the roots of terror: Islam, Marxism, Feminism:

http://www.iranian-women.com/

This is a beautifully written post. There have been times when my cats really were all I had at home too. I'll add my prayers to yours.

I have never posted a comment before but this post really did it for me. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one in the world who feels this way.We seem to think no one understands this feeling and we are the only ones who are feeling this way.

I don't know if you read all these comments or not, especially when the response list exceeds 100. I've never posted a comment on a blog, either. But this was a great entry. Somehow you manage to convey your feelings without evoking pity from your reader. That's a tough line to walk. And I continue to be impressed by your honesty and ability to find humor even when you're pissed off and hurting. I'm not much of a prayer (at this point God wouldn't be answering any of my prayers anyway), so I can't keep you in my prayers. I don't know that keeping you in my thoughts is menaningful either, since you don't know me. But as long as you are blogging, I will keep reading your excellent and insightful posts. Rock on, Laurie.

Laurie:
On your grateful list: the 101st Airborne (17,000 out of Fort Campbell KY) returned safe and sound yesterday from IRAQ. My nephew, a Blackhawk pilot among them. You may want to consider a move back South - can't beat the military for the Good Ones! :) Happy day, another proud, somewhat crazy AUNT

i know it doesn't help, but (hugs)!! hang in there!!!!

I do read all the comments, and thank you Gina. And Donna, I'm glad your nephew is back from Iraq safe and sound!

Laurie - that was beautiful. I know your requests are not falling on deaf ears...something good will happen. You are a beautiful person and you cannot go on for long without beautiful things happening to you.